- 15 hours ago
EastEnders 13th April 2026
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TVTranscript
00:00Music
00:05Music
00:06Music
00:06Music
00:12Music
00:43Hi! Yeah!
00:45It's a bit early, isn't it?
00:47Well, yeah, we were going to do it at the Albert,
00:48but Ma'am got Harry's barn, so we're going to start it early.
00:51Who have you come as? Marge Simpson?
00:54Suck religion. I'm a wee for Franklin.
00:56Thank you very much. I'll say a little prayer for you
00:59because the theme is actually 60s chic, yeah?
01:02So this Wainetta slob look is not going to cut it, babe.
01:05Do you know what? I would rather a couple of wines
01:07in a McClunkey's Bonanza bucket if I'm on this.
01:09Do me a favour. Listen, you are not a scapey.
01:13It's the ritual of humiliation. It is tradition.
01:17Do you see? No, Cathy's bringing around your costume
01:19and we'll see you at Harry's barn later.
01:21Yeah? Yeah. Come on, see you.
01:24Yes, come on.
01:29I'll just get a drink in a bit later.
01:32Hey, pretty nice.
01:33Here, Sam, coming to the hen do? More than merrier?
01:36Oh, I'd love to, but I've got plans.
01:40Yeah, been in the diary for ages.
01:42Have fun, girls.
01:43Oh, yeah, all right.
01:45Let's see you later, too.
01:53Probably seems real, eh?
01:57How can I be having a hen do when I don't even know
01:59if I should be getting married, eh?
02:02Come on.
02:07Thank you so much, Mum.
02:08Appreciate it.
02:09Uh, Lauren and Max won't be back from the auction till late
02:11and, well, you know what stag news are like.
02:13Yeah, I do.
02:14And if you end up in France,
02:16bring me back a bit of rosé.
02:18You don't miss a trick, do you?
02:20Never.
02:20And I get to watch Disney films with my favourite boys.
02:23Yes, Hercules!
02:25Oh, wait, oh, wait.
02:27Your snag deal is going to be remembered for years to come.
02:30Well, that's kind of what I'm counting on,
02:32but what's in the bag?
02:33Handcuffs with mancanies?
02:41I really thought you and Ross would have sought this by now.
02:44Nope.
02:45Brushed it under the carpet, didn't I?
02:47I didn't want to hurt him.
02:50He's paranoid that I'm going to run off with my secret bloke.
03:01I love him.
03:03And I don't want to live with his psycho son when he gets out.
03:06Then you've got to talk to Ross.
03:09Sorry.
03:11Interrupt, Saint.
03:12No, I was just on my way, mate.
03:23It's all very kind of you,
03:24but I am quite happy going on my own.
03:26And shouldn't you all be getting ready for the hen party anyway?
03:29I can do both.
03:30Listen, we've got to show Nigel how much we love him.
03:32Listen, ask Jasmine.
03:33She knew him.
03:34It's a carer.
03:35I'm not Disneyland.
03:36Listen, we want her to be part of the family.
03:38Include her, yeah?
03:39Go on.
03:40All right.
03:42Hi, Josh.
03:44Jasmine, we're going to see Nigel if he wanted to come with us.
03:47Oh.
03:48I mean, I know he ran you over and everything, but, you know.
03:51But it was an accident.
03:54Listen, we just want to show him that, you know, he's not forgotten.
03:56Yeah?
03:57I love nice.
03:58Can I come?
03:58Yeah, yeah, of course.
03:59Come on.
04:00Oh, yeah.
04:01Yeah, then I'm in.
04:02Amazing.
04:02See you outside.
04:07Right.
04:08Anything you can say to Zach, you can say to me.
04:14You said you didn't trust me and you were right not to.
04:20Because I haven't been honest with you.
04:24Talk to me.
04:27I'm scared for us when Joel comes out.
04:34I don't know how we're going to fix it.
04:36We've got time to work something out.
04:38No, we don't.
04:39I don't want to go on my head with all the girls talking about my dream man if...
04:45if you're going to choose your son over me.
04:48It's not a choice.
04:49No, it is.
04:51Ross, I'm sorry, it is.
04:53If you want Joel living with you, then I won't be.
04:56Is this punishment because I said I didn't trust you?
04:59You know, you haven't got to blackmail me over me own son.
05:01I'm not.
05:02I respect your loyalty to Joel.
05:07I won't live with the boy who nearly killed me.
05:13Darn it.
05:16You've given me a lot to think about, okay?
05:19I don't want you to do any more thinking.
05:23I just want to know that you choose me.
05:25I want to marry you, don't I?
05:28Look, I don't have all the answers, Vic.
05:31Okay, all right?
05:32He's my son and you're the innocent party.
05:36Hello, Vic?
05:37Come on, I've got your head out for here.
05:41Are we going to do it as soon as they do?
05:46Yeah.
05:47Yeah.
05:54Nice outfit, by the way.
05:57Biggie said that if she had to dress up, so did I.
06:00Well, you've got enough booze to stand around, huh?
06:02Thanks for sorting this out, Pen.
06:04You've done us proud.
06:05Ladies.
06:07Oh.
06:07My mum and Sharon have paid for all the booze.
06:11Oh!
06:12I'm going to be a match.
06:14I'm going to be home.
06:15I'm not starting on the free booze before the hen gets there.
06:18This is my only night off from being a mum.
06:20I want to let me out down.
06:21And that's just why you started on the booze hours ago, yes?
06:23Oh, sue me for wanting to party.
06:25I'll get me home.
06:26No.
06:27So my billy's taking me up the West End tomorrow.
06:32Hashtag blessed.
06:33Are we still saying that?
06:35I mean, hashtag had, you know, couples' goals.
06:38That's you and Billy, am I?
06:40Yeah.
06:41A bit like me and Howie, may I just add?
06:43Yeah.
06:44Oh, and me and Jack.
06:45Jack, I have to pinch myself on, I think, where we were a year ago.
06:48Hmm.
06:49Well, you know what that is, isn't it?
06:51It's the magical healing properties of not sleeping with other people.
06:55Shut up, kid.
06:58I mean, you could have a couple's goals, couldn't you?
07:00If you got together with Ian.
07:01What do you think, ladies?
07:02Yeah.
07:04Yeah.
07:04And Denise can give you a few tips, because back in the day...
07:06Like I said, shut up, Kimberly.
07:09You know, I don't think I can take the risk, to be honest.
07:12Because I was in love once, but it didn't end well at all.
07:17Yeah.
07:17I mean, it's not like I'm demanding or anything.
07:20You know, all I want from a relationship is respect, compassion, laughter, chemistry,
07:27intellect, ambition, adoration.
07:30You know, just the basics, really.
07:31Just the basics.
07:32And, um, for Samson's on a Wednesday would be nice.
07:35But, you know, not the red ones, because...
07:39I think you won't mind if it might be a little star.
07:41No.
07:42No.
07:42I'll be just going to mind.
07:43No.
07:43It's a good answer.
07:44Yeah.
07:44Yeah.
07:45Cheers.
07:45Cheers, please.
07:46Cheers.
07:51Oh, lovely.
07:52Come on, then.
07:52Give us a twirl.
07:54Really?
07:55Really.
07:55Good.
07:59Oh, you can be as miserable as your mother sometimes.
08:03Come on, then.
08:04What's up?
08:04Give me the wine, Kat.
08:06Here you go.
08:11Me and Ross don't trust each other.
08:13Why?
08:15Is it all about this Zach business?
08:17Because you've got to put it all behind you, all right?
08:20It was just one kiss.
08:24It ain't just that.
08:25It's...
08:26I gave Ross an ultimatum about Joel moving back.
08:30And, um...
08:30Well, he said he needed to think about it, but he still wants to marry me.
08:33Well, that sounds promising, doesn't it?
08:36Does it?
08:37Yes, it does.
08:39So, come on.
08:40Go and put your slap on, because you are going to get plastered, and then you're going to
08:44get married, even if it kills me.
08:48He's got pneumonia, so, um, he's been in and out of hospital over the last couple of days.
08:52Julie, we're sorry.
08:53We didn't know.
08:54Well, don't go, not stay.
08:56Please.
08:57Could really do with you.
08:58We're not coming, Nigel.
09:02Nigel?
09:02My granddaughter, Jasmine.
09:05Remember her, don't you?
09:07I know, I don't look old enough, do I?
09:10Don't know about that.
09:13Hi, Nigel.
09:16Where did you disappear to?
09:17Well, if we're going to have a pie, any pie you've made us, right?
09:20That's a really good idea.
09:21Thanks very much.
09:24Help yourself, everyone.
09:26Come on, Julie said it's fine.
09:29Shall I do a good time, yeah?
09:32Jean said you two like a sing-song.
09:34Yeah.
09:35Oh, that reminds me.
09:37I made a speaker out of a loo roll.
09:39It was a top tip in my magazine.
09:41So, um, ta-da!
09:45Yeah.
09:47It's good sound quality, isn't it?
09:49And so stylish.
09:50Yeah!
09:51I prefer my speaker, Jean.
09:52I don't really fancy an old bog roll in my dress.
09:54It's so great.
09:56Nigel loves this song.
09:57Oh.
09:58Yeah.
10:04I love you still, I need you, I need you.
10:15Come on, Jazz, join in.
10:17Oh, I don't know the words.
10:18That don't matter.
10:20For years, Dan thought Bob Dylan was singing knocking on Kevin's door.
10:23I thought, who the hell's Kevin?
10:26Good.
10:28Baby, baby.
10:30My heart.
10:31Baby, baby.
10:33All in the world.
10:34So, why do you want me fun?
10:36That what happens on the stag stays on the stag.
10:39Come on, phone.
10:40Where's your phone?
10:40Oi, I'll be fun.
10:42Come on.
10:42Thank you, Jack.
10:43Lovely.
10:44Come on, Ian.
10:45What you got lined up for us?
10:47I'll tell you.
10:47You are gonna love it.
10:49Peter!
10:51Wait for it, wait for it. We are going to have an indoor sports day.
11:00Is that why you confiscated our phones?
11:02Yeah, so the shame fleets can't see the evidence.
11:05No, no, no. We're meant to be in the prime of our lives.
11:12Let's kick off with beer darts, beers all round and a set of your finest arrows, please.
11:18Boys, let's get this.
11:23So, you and Vicky earlier, looking as thick as thieves.
11:28Why are you having a drink with me and not getting a hammer with that lot?
11:32Come on, Sam, you can talk to me. I'm a mate.
11:39Listen, Vicky cheated on us.
11:43What?
11:46Wait.
11:55Just a few drinks, yeah?
11:56That's all I do.
11:59I love you, Sam.
12:01I love you, Sam.
12:09I love you, Sam.
12:21nightmare or is it sexy as hell can you at least pretend you're not enjoying this um listen i'm
12:27recovering from breast cancer okay i'm allowed to enjoy a little bit of scandal right it's fair
12:32all right so is um is vicky gonna leave ross is that what you want no i don't know
12:41i want her to be happy oh shut up stop being such a girl why are you a misogynist
12:50look ross is a good bloke and they've got a nice life together steady they go at work work hard
12:56they come in here for a pint of an evening sounds like the end of a marriage not the start
13:00stop being
13:00so horrible all right then what do you want all the same i've got the goosebumps you know
13:09well uh me and vicky guys electric or it's not just sexist water
13:16it just works all right
13:23well listen if this is what you want then i think you've got to fight for it
13:30i mean she's gonna bite your hand off zach
13:33the sexiest bloke around here by miles and you know it
13:37if this if this is what vicky wants and she's willing to risk her marriage then
13:42then give it to her give her goosebumps
13:47zach what you had an idea for i need you on my team mate come on yeah yeah i'm all
13:52yours mate
13:57come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on
14:01all right ladies
14:08that sends her apologies as she's staying on in the care arm to give julie a break
14:15well let your hair down girls
14:17well i am quite happy to watch the shenanigans but i am not going to party
14:23i am not going to party
14:39god preserve me
14:45well so it's not something about your dad's good looks because you ain't got his moves
14:49phil had the moves when we were married but grant well it's something extra special
14:54what you and grom yeah you didn't invent looking you know i was a teenager in the 60s i have
15:00seen it all
15:01thank you mickey mickey okay come on tell us all what first attracted you to rocks
15:07because he can fill out a check shirt like real hair man
15:12because all the hours that my jack's been in the gym i actually like a little bit of timber on
15:17a fella
15:17but you're such a liar listen you've only got three types do you yeah you're like the psycho
15:24the gym bunny and the psycho gym bunny and that's that i'll have a bit of rough any time
15:30of the day
15:31not for me my patrick is a smooth operator all right now come on come on vicky what was it
15:39about ross um
15:41um well he weren't spencer oh who's spencer oh no he he was my ex alfie's brother he um no
15:49he was
15:50very very sweet but i always felt like i was looking after him and then when ross came along you
15:56know
15:56what he felt like my equal like he celebrates me oh nice or he used to anyway
16:08babe i told him that i can't live with joel when he gets out
16:13he can't blame you no no no he doesn't he doesn't but what what if he can't turn his back
16:19on joel
16:22he nearly killed me look look look i know i don't know what it's like to not feel safe in
16:29your own
16:29home but ross he stood by you in the internet at that trial so you gotta just trust him he's
16:37making
16:37the right decision back joel nearly ruin everything don't let him ruin your marriage yeah yeah they're
16:42right vick after everything you've been through ross is a good bloke yes look at him look good bloke
16:51all right so let's get back to the hen business where's the cabaret that's french for stripper
17:00yeah i didn't book one if you want one you have to get yourself one oh well challenge accepted
17:12no no no it's disgusting she's my sister
17:20well you can help me find one then come on
17:23jammer you can't
17:32seriously no cheating
17:35you're gonna go on my whistle
17:38three
17:39two
17:43listen thanks for making all the effort i'm sorry i was a miserable git earlier you all look after her
17:48won't you yeah i love your little cousin once removed strictly speaking i'm glad to hear it all right
17:57i know it was a bit a bit harsh now the other week i'm glad you still working out and
18:03um ross
18:06you're a good boy auntie pauline would approve and as the patriarch of the family so do i
18:15well i won't let you i won't let vicky down so how would you feel about being my best man
18:21as our
18:22patriarch i'll be honest no thank you very much come on all right well this one ain't gonna do it
18:30so let's see who will i'm looking for a stripper no no definitely no i've seen it all before babe
18:44no
18:51easy tiger easy tiger do me a favor oh no
19:01hey i bet you like taking off your top for the girlies yeah well yeah it's been known
19:06kimberly i'm right here you know don't be stressed howie i'm just looking for a stripper for vicky's
19:12been doing it i'm not looking for a new life partner but then again well sam mitchell did
19:18just say that i'm the sexiest geezer around it's a bit weird i don't know it's a laugh isn't it
19:30at least i know the bride ain't gonna run away with a stripper
19:36okay okay can you shut up now i've never had a family that don't care about looking stupid okay
19:42that's why the slaters love you so much oh they love you too they can be making more of that
19:50hey hey hey honestly what a day i helped my mom pack up and it was so sad oh i'm
19:57sorry no it's good i
19:59mean i came back to the trumans i was all oh what have i done what have i done but
20:02then yolanda
20:03made me some nice coconut chickadee curry and even though we barely know each other it was it was just
20:09fun just chatting you know when you just felt right like everything's gonna be all right
20:18sorry i'm so sorry it hears me blowing on about happy families when things are so orcs for you and
20:23the
20:24satyrs especially after answer at least they're trying sorry that sounded patronizing i'll get drinks
20:41wow truth hurts doesn't it
20:44he's just blabbering on because he wants to make a good impression yeah but what if he's hit the nail
20:48on
20:48head though i mean everything that cat said in court she can't just forget about that can she
20:53stop it you saw how cat stood up for you from the whole pub yeah yeah she did do that
21:01didn't she
21:02yeah the slaters want me around i just i've got to believe that just do without josh staring the pot
21:23oh yeah yeah yeah yeah now miss fowler yes yes bad girl dressed up in white i think you've committed
21:38a fowl
21:51now
21:52What is that?
21:58Yeah, yeah!
22:00Yeah!
22:03All right!
22:05Now! Booker!
22:08Oh, no!
22:10Chelsea!
22:12Oh, no!
22:19It's taking us back decades.
22:22Feminism would literally be turning in her grave.
22:25If God had wanted us to see that he wouldn't have created the fig leaf.
22:29Yeah, I agree.
22:31Listen, do you think I should arrange that date with Ian?
22:35I mean, do you think he's, you know, he's a good guy?
22:39Honey? Honey?
22:41What?
22:42Yeah, where?
22:43I mean, definitely.
22:45Yeah, grab every opportunity.
22:48Grab him.
22:50A bull by his horns.
22:52Well, you're right.
22:53Yeah, I should do that.
22:55I'm going to find that bull and grab it by its...
22:57Well, I'm going to look for Ian one more.
23:01What the hell was the idea?
23:03Hmm?
23:04Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
23:07Yeah!
23:10They're coming from ya.
23:11Good grief, honey. Stop it!
23:15Okay.
23:22Out!
23:24Out!
23:34I'm going to nominate Mr McClunky for Mitch and his staff.
23:40Oh, hey, I'm Mr McClunky.
23:42Yeah.
23:44Was that Harry's barn spiral on?
23:48There it is.
23:49Look out.
23:50Oh.
23:51Um, on this box?
23:54No, no, thank you.
23:56Um, so, I've decided that you can take me out on that date that we discussed, and I'm free tomorrow.
24:04Right.
24:05Uh, just a couple of little stipulations.
24:08Can I ask that you treat me like I deserve to be treated,
24:11and then you don't expect anything other than intelligent conversation and company in return.
24:16And if you're happy with that arrangement, you can pick me up at 7.30 tomorrow.
24:22Hey.
24:24Oh, yeah, yes.
24:26You haven't ever cheated on a partner, have you?
24:31No.
24:32Huh?
24:33That's good.
24:34Yeah.
24:35I'll see you tomorrow, then.
24:41What was I supposed to say?
24:44Keep me down!
24:45You said that you're not!
24:47You said that you're not!
24:47Guys!
24:48False alarm!
24:49You can go back in!
24:52Well done!
24:55You look freezing.
24:57Yeah.
24:57Put this on.
24:58I'm all right.
24:59For my sake.
25:01Put it on.
25:03Mm-hmm.
25:05Show up.
25:09You always get your own way, don't you?
25:12Always.
25:13No.
25:21I love Ross.
25:23So you keep saying.
25:24Yeah.
25:25And we are working through our issues.
25:27And I'm going to marry him.
25:30I'm pleased for you.
25:31Good.
25:32I'm pleased you're pleased.
25:35You know what?
25:36Ross is a good guy.
25:37He's a nice guy.
25:39You know, on his lap.
25:41Bed by night.
25:42It's nice that he's found somebody that wants to do the same.
25:44How dare you!
25:47Ross ain't second best.
25:49I am not settling.
25:51Ross loves me.
25:52He's going to look after me.
25:53He promised me that.
25:54Well, he said that, did he?
25:56You don't need to worry about me and Ross.
25:58We're going to be just fine.
26:00He presses my buttons.
26:02All of them.
26:04What?
26:04I'll never know.
26:08Do you know I watch you?
26:10You two.
26:11And then I watch you.
26:14You're watching me.
26:15Shut up.
26:16Tell me I'm not in this.
26:17You think you can make me happier?
26:20A loser who gets his kit off just to feed his massive ego.
26:23What?
26:24Take that.
26:25I don't even want it.
26:26Yeah, well, I've seen it all before, mate.
26:28Why are you down here if I'm such a loser?
26:29Why aren't you indoors with Ross?
26:31Don't worry about it.
26:32I'm going.
26:34No.
26:34Please, please, please.
26:36Just answer one thing.
26:40When you are in bed by nine and he's pressing your buttons, tell me you ain't thinking about me.
26:51About that night, about what we did.
26:55Go on.
27:05Oh, can't I have one, Niles?
27:11Come here.
27:16Yeah, boss, there's the key.
27:18I'm on my way over.
27:24Ross.
27:26Don't forget your phone, mate.
27:29What are you sneaking off to?
27:30I am going to find your sister and I'm going to tell her how much I love her.
27:36See you later.
27:37See you later.
27:38See you later.
27:48It's Ross.
27:54Vic!
27:59Vic!
27:59Oh, I can't do this.
28:00No.
28:01Vic, Vic, Vic.
28:13Cork's Funniest.
28:14The Young Offenders are back.
28:15More crack.
28:16More chaos.
28:17Watch the brand new series on iPlayer.
28:20This and everything across the BBC is made possible because we're funded by you.
28:48And what is this?
28:50All right.
28:52Bye-bye.
28:52Bye-bye.
28:52Bye-bye.
28:52Bye-bye.
28:53Bye-bye.
28:53Bye-bye.
28:54Bye-bye.
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