- 8 hours ago
The Boys Season 5 Episode 5
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00:06I'll fucking kill you.
00:00:11I got you something.
00:00:12Tear.
00:00:13Does he still hump everything?
00:00:14He does his best.
00:00:15My grandma was diagnosed with leukemia.
00:00:17I discovered a cure.
00:00:19They laughed at me.
00:00:20Fuck.
00:00:20Them.
00:00:21Oh.
00:00:22What's that smell?
00:00:24That soldier boy.
00:00:25I can smell him all over here.
00:00:26Where's some arms?
00:00:27He just disappears every afternoon.
00:00:28Won't say where he's going.
00:00:30Won't say shit.
00:00:30I trusted you.
00:00:31Are you still buttered about me bringing in Stan Edgar?
00:00:33I thought we were friends.
00:00:34I needed a win from Homelander.
00:00:36Edgar was that.
00:00:37We get the V1 first.
00:00:38We save Annie.
00:00:38We save Kimiko.
00:00:39Homelander gets it.
00:00:40He's immortal.
00:00:41Punch luck at bleeding.
00:00:42Sledgehammer.
00:00:42A lot of dice for fucking smack.
00:00:44Bombside.
00:00:45It's enriched your radio.
00:00:46Good luck getting out of a soup proof cell while you're bleeding out of your ass.
00:00:50The V1 wasn't here.
00:00:52Just fucking do it already.
00:00:54I was visited by an angel.
00:00:56Today, we commit ourselves to a divine rebranding.
00:01:01I am the Messiah.
00:01:02The Democratic Church of America.
00:01:05Let's do it.
00:01:07Let's do it.
00:01:08Let's do it.
00:01:09They're up before dawn.
00:01:11They've got a thousand heads of cattle to herd.
00:01:14It's hard work and strong coffee.
00:01:18Old leather saddles and the worn stock of a trusty Remington.
00:01:22And when the sun finally rises over the range, the cowboys know America is God's country, and Americans, God's chosen
00:01:32people.
00:01:33So shouldn't we have our own church for Americans, with American grit and American values, founded by the greatest American
00:01:42of us all, a true American prophet?
00:01:45Come home to the Democratic Church of America. Come home to Homelander.
00:01:51Already, the campaign's aided awareness outpaces the norm by plus 22 points, led by white men and women ages 36
00:02:00to 54 and 55 to 72.
00:02:03We are also seeing massive growth on the ground level.
00:02:07Yeah, I'm seeing massive growth myself.
00:02:14Church attendance is up, and our online donation CTR is at 44%. That's a new record. Amen.
00:02:21Amen. Next up is a 500 million ad blitz with OOH, e-blasts, print, and digital.
00:02:30Ain't nobody won't know about the Democratic Church of America and its chosen prophet.
00:02:41Prophets are servants.
00:02:44Of course.
00:02:45Sir, great point. We're just trying to ease people into it.
00:02:50No, no, no. We need to prepare America for my ascension.
00:02:55We must be honest. We must be direct.
00:02:58I like Savior.
00:03:00Or, or...
00:03:01Lord.
00:03:02Yes, I couldn't agree more, sir.
00:03:04Hmm.
00:03:05Religion is not about being meek.
00:03:07We should dominate the seven mountains of society.
00:03:11Bring the kingdom of heaven to earth. Amen.
00:03:13Amen.
00:03:14Amen. I love all that.
00:03:16So fucking dope.
00:03:17Easter is just around the corner.
00:03:19How perfect would it be for your second coming to come on the day of Jesus' resurrection?
00:03:26Second coming?
00:03:27Let's be clear.
00:03:28I am not the son of God.
00:03:32Well, of course, many people believe that Jesus is both God incarnate and the son.
00:03:38Well, that's just confusing.
00:03:40I don't want my church getting involved in all that.
00:03:43Exactly.
00:03:44Besides, if we pull up our timeline, you won't have this.
00:04:00We're gonna drag our feet because of a book.
00:04:03Not a book.
00:04:05The book.
00:04:07The Homelander Bible.
00:04:14Heavy.
00:04:17It's got the Old Testament, the New Testament, and the brand new American Testament, written
00:04:25by AI, trained on the works of Pat Robertson.
00:04:27See, we need to pass the torch, sir, from Jesus to you, sir, and we don't get more than
00:04:36one chance at a first impression.
00:04:38Are we really gonna rush something this important?
00:04:42We ain't Arby's after all.
00:04:45No.
00:04:47We're the Cheesecake Factory.
00:04:52Okay.
00:04:55We'll do it your way.
00:05:01You do realize this kind of sudden religious upheaval is likely to generate widespread civil
00:05:08unrest?
00:05:08Local law should be able to handle the suburbs, but we could use extra hands in major metros.
00:05:13Oh, just recall all soups.
00:05:15Oh, just recall all soups stationed overseas.
00:05:16American heroes should be protecting America, not who gives a fuck a stand.
00:05:20Great idea.
00:05:28Something wrong.
00:05:31Everything's beachy.
00:05:40Well, I can see why they call this the city that never sleeps.
00:05:44How could you with all that racket?
00:05:46You're getting used to it.
00:05:48You seem to if city life seems to suit you.
00:05:51I guess.
00:05:54I was surprised you called, Reverend.
00:05:57Well, I was surprised you answered.
00:05:59It's been a while and, um, I said things I regret.
00:06:02You both did.
00:06:06You remember when you used to stop by the church after school?
00:06:10Use your powers to light our candles.
00:06:13I remember staying for supper.
00:06:15Oh, man.
00:06:16Those fish fry Fridays.
00:06:18I never liked eating alone.
00:06:20Well, were you making sure I got at least one hot square a day?
00:06:27Reverend, is something the matter?
00:06:29I'm embarrassed to bug you with all of this, but, um, the last couple of weeks have been rough.
00:06:35We've been bleeding congregates to the Democratic Church of America, and what folks are sticking around, they're scared.
00:06:42Why?
00:06:43Because last Sunday, somebody, um, melted our stained glass window of Mary.
00:06:48Melted it?
00:06:49Mm-hmm.
00:06:50It was their local soup.
00:06:52Prairie mantis.
00:06:54He sprayed acid out of his butt.
00:06:57I mean, his, his glands, his whatever.
00:06:59Yeah, I know him.
00:07:00It was a message.
00:07:02I called the sheriff.
00:07:03I called the mayor.
00:07:04I've called half of Florida.
00:07:06You're all I got left.
00:07:09Reverend, I don't know what I could do.
00:07:11Well, you gotta be able to do something.
00:07:14You're Homelander's right hand.
00:07:17Homelander's not too keen on being challenged.
00:07:23Why not just pay the franchise fee and join?
00:07:25Honey, we can barely afford to pay our water bill.
00:07:27Well, besides the Democratic Church of America, God does not favor one nation over another.
00:07:36Doesn't he, though?
00:07:37No.
00:07:38Name one way God's ever blessed Canada.
00:07:44Just cause Homelander tells you that the sky is red does not make it so.
00:07:52You still have that, uh, that Jesus action figure.
00:07:56I'm surprised you remember that.
00:07:58How could I forget it?
00:07:59You carried it with you everywhere you went.
00:08:00You almost wore the face off the thing.
00:08:03You still carry him?
00:08:09It's complicated.
00:08:11No, it's, I don't think it is.
00:08:15Homelander's, uh, he's a great American.
00:08:17He can stop bullets.
00:08:18He can fly and do amazing things.
00:08:21Those aren't miracles.
00:08:23And he is not God.
00:08:27If you're the same Misty Tucker Gray that I taught the Bible to over, Fish, I think
00:08:32you know it, too.
00:08:49We ain't doing that again.
00:08:51That's what you said the last six times.
00:08:53Well, I really mean it this time.
00:08:58You seem a little out of it.
00:09:01Did you nut?
00:09:02As usual, you nut.
00:09:07Were you baptized?
00:09:13Yeah, in front of half of Chestnut Hill.
00:09:15Governor Sproul did the honors.
00:09:17My family kept up appearances, of course.
00:09:20Then we never set foot in church again.
00:09:23I had lunch today with the Reverend who baptized me.
00:09:25He's been getting the heat to switch over to our church.
00:09:30You think Homelander might be open to going easy on him?
00:09:33Just give him a little more time.
00:09:36I wouldn't ask if it was just anybody, but that man practically raised me.
00:09:42So you didn't nut.
00:09:46You know, this whole Homelander is God shit.
00:09:49It's fucking ridiculous.
00:09:52Really?
00:09:53You think so?
00:09:54If he's a second coming, then what does that make me?
00:09:57Joseph?
00:09:58I mean, talk about the biggest cuck in history.
00:10:00A man trades his best cow to bag some hot-ass virgin.
00:10:04And then God comes and squirts his baby gravy up her meat wallet.
00:10:09Fuck that.
00:10:11I guess I've been struggling with where to place Homelander in my heart in relation to Jesus and the Lord.
00:10:19Okay.
00:10:21Of course I worship Homelander.
00:10:23I mean, he's always been a God to me.
00:10:26Look, I'll tell you this.
00:10:27If there is a God,
00:10:30sure as hell didn't come out of my balls.
00:10:33I gotta go.
00:10:34Where are you off to?
00:10:35L.A.
00:10:38I fucking hate L.A.
00:10:44Homelander?
00:10:47Homelander?
00:10:51Hello?
00:10:55Does Homelander know you're here?
00:10:58Yeah, of course.
00:11:00Some of our church's followers generously donated their milk for our savior's sustenance.
00:11:04I mean, he gotta get his liquid gold from somewhere, am I right?
00:11:09You need something.
00:11:11Where's Homelander?
00:11:12Oh, uh, he didn't tell you.
00:11:14Yeah, he had to fly off to L.A.
00:11:16Strange he didn't mention anything.
00:11:18Well, I've been real busy working for his glory, so not much time for chit-chat.
00:11:22Of course.
00:11:23Look at us.
00:11:24The regular Peter and John just bearing witness and spreading the gospel.
00:11:28A real blessing.
00:11:29Amen.
00:11:30Amen.
00:11:30A real blessing.
00:11:32Oh, uh, by the way, after our meeting, I checked in on the timeline of that Homelander
00:11:38Bible, and, uh, the printers were happy to rush it to make Easter.
00:11:44Well, ain't you full of get up and go?
00:11:47Thing is, they said it wasn't a problem.
00:11:49So I wondered why you were so bent on holding it up.
00:11:55I wasn't.
00:11:57See, I just wanted to make sure everything was just right.
00:12:01Listen, if you are ever feeling any doubts, come to me.
00:12:07I could be a warm shoulder and a friendly ear.
00:12:11Oh, bless your heart.
00:12:15I'll do that.
00:12:19What'd you want to talk to Homelander about?
00:12:22Maybe I could help.
00:12:24That is so kind to you.
00:12:27But it wasn't important.
00:12:39What's up?
00:12:41Um, got a tip from our southeast stringer.
00:12:45Praying Mantis raided half a dozen churches in Daytona.
00:12:49Was one of them Holy Baptist?
00:12:53The man upstairs wants us, you, to run with it top of show.
00:12:58He thinks with it being your home church and all, it'll make a strong statement.
00:13:02So I'll have Chris load the new graphics.
00:13:05I gotta finish getting ready.
00:13:17Welcome to Truth Bomb.
00:13:19Our top story tonight's a personal one.
00:13:22It's the story of my hometown church.
00:13:25Holy Baptist of Daytona.
00:13:27It was the church I grew up in.
00:13:29Sang my hymns from the pews there every Sunday.
00:13:32But that church...
00:13:37That church...
00:13:43That church...
00:13:48Has become a hotbed of starlight infestation.
00:13:55And my old pastor, Reverend Greg Dupree,
00:13:59has been infected by starlight seditious propaganda.
00:14:09Now...
00:14:12I never told a soul this, but...
00:14:15When I was a little girl, the Reverend regularly had me over for supper.
00:14:20Alone.
00:14:23Nothing ever happened to me, but...
00:14:27I heard stories about his fish fry Fridays.
00:14:33And if that ain't code for child grooming, I don't know what is.
00:14:39Because...
00:14:41How much longer are we gonna let these institutional, pedo churches diddle our babies?
00:14:52Americans deserve better.
00:14:57Homelander.
00:14:58They deserve...
00:15:01Homelander.
00:15:03They deserve...
00:15:05The Democratic Church of America.
00:15:23Something wrong?
00:15:26Everything's beachy.
00:15:31Would you like some knee pads?
00:15:32I'm sorry?
00:15:33You're looking at me like you want to suck my hog.
00:15:37So I'm asking if you would like some knee pads.
00:15:41Take it easy on the little guy.
00:15:43You brought me Stan Edgar.
00:15:47Thank you, sir.
00:16:10Harry Gibb.
00:16:11B-G.
00:16:12There's no B-G's without me.
00:16:14B-G means the brother's Gibb.
00:16:16What, you think that falsetto makes you boss?
00:16:18I think Saturday Night Fever going platinum 16 times makes me boss.
00:16:22We made that album together.
00:16:24Nothing...
00:16:25Without me and Maurice.
00:16:26Don't you dare bring Maurice into this!
00:16:29I don't know, it feels inauthentic for Barry to move like this.
00:16:32Oh, yeah?
00:16:36In what way?
00:16:38Egomaniacs like Barry are really just insecure.
00:16:41I think he's threatened by Robin's talent.
00:16:43So maybe he, uh, expresses that by doing a barrel roll instead.
00:16:52Never mind, sorry, I broke character.
00:16:53I didn't mean to...
00:16:54Yeah.
00:16:56You need to apologize, all right?
00:16:58For being a fucking genius.
00:17:01Are you fucking kidding me?
00:17:03A barrel roll?
00:17:05Holy shit!
00:17:07It's brilliant.
00:17:09Justin, I don't know who you are,
00:17:11or where you came from,
00:17:13or anything about you,
00:17:14but my God,
00:17:15if you are not a fucking talent!
00:17:18Well, thank you.
00:17:19No.
00:17:22Let's take ten, everybody.
00:17:27All right.
00:17:30Lay down on me, Justin.
00:17:32What do you mean?
00:17:33You're acting.
00:17:34Up there, stop acting.
00:17:36Stop acting.
00:17:38Don't...
00:17:40act.
00:17:40Don't.
00:17:41Because I don't need an actor.
00:17:45I need Barry Gibb.
00:17:46I need Barry Gibb.
00:17:46You're right, boss.
00:17:47I'm sorry.
00:17:48My process has been all over the map.
00:17:50We're just...
00:17:51This scene is a little close to home.
00:17:55All right.
00:17:55Then I guess the egomaniac we're talking about,
00:17:57that's someone in your life?
00:17:58Someone I work with.
00:18:00In my...
00:18:01day job.
00:18:02All right, what are you doing?
00:18:02So quit.
00:18:03There's no way this gig is more important
00:18:04than the fucking theater.
00:18:05I thought this guy was my brother,
00:18:07but he straight up hijacked something I did
00:18:09and took all the credit for it.
00:18:11All right.
00:18:14I've been trying to keep this on the DL,
00:18:16but...
00:18:18in addition to my theater work,
00:18:19I also happen to be a massive feature director.
00:18:22Forced Saturn Wars to prove it.
00:18:24So I was working on this little film.
00:18:26I don't know, you may have heard of it called
00:18:27Dawn of the Seven.
00:18:28Billion-dollar gross, but who's counting?
00:18:31It was this fucking guy.
00:18:33The Deep.
00:18:35He just kept upstaging everyone
00:18:37with his trite, shitty improvs.
00:18:40I heard he's a real baby.
00:18:42He's a Jared Leto-level baby bitch.
00:18:45But you gotta put people like that
00:18:47in their place, right?
00:18:48So whoever's upstaging you,
00:18:50you fucking upstage them right back.
00:18:53Okay?
00:18:53Yeah.
00:18:54All right.
00:18:55You got this, Pubala.
00:18:58Testing, testing.
00:19:00Tasty.
00:19:00Bitch, bitch.
00:19:01So great you're here, bro.
00:19:02I will save my favor.
00:19:03Yes, well, we need to meet young men
00:19:06where they are if we plan to usher them
00:19:08into the fold of our lord.
00:19:10Mmm.
00:19:10Totes my goats.
00:19:11So listen, you know, I've got some ideas
00:19:13about how to take this whole church thing
00:19:15to the next level.
00:19:16Oh, yeah?
00:19:17So you know how communion wafers taste like dried shit?
00:19:21What if they were Nilla wafers instead, huh?
00:19:26Oh, yeah, and if you could throw in a commandment
00:19:29about how it's not cool to try and moan another bro's girl?
00:19:33We have that.
00:19:34That already exists.
00:19:36Great minds then, eh?
00:19:38Point is, me and homeowner, we go way back.
00:19:40I know what he likes, doesn't like,
00:19:41so you ever want to bounce some ideas back?
00:19:44Don't listen to him, bro.
00:19:46Oh, shit.
00:19:48He talks.
00:19:49No, he does not.
00:19:50He's not trying to help you.
00:19:51He's like those fish who suck on whales.
00:19:53Talking about a sucker fish?
00:19:55He latches onto every new soup.
00:19:57Starlight, me, sage.
00:19:59He pretends he's a guy, but he's not the guy.
00:20:01He's a joke.
00:20:02That smell in his breath?
00:20:03It's because he's been clam diving.
00:20:05On clams.
00:20:06What?
00:20:07I have not done that.
00:20:08I have definitely never done that.
00:20:10Look, if you really want to impress Homelander,
00:20:12bring me on stage for Easter.
00:20:14Homelander can heal me,
00:20:15I'll get my voice back,
00:20:16and then I'll fly.
00:20:18You know I can fly, right?
00:20:20That's so fucking stupid, bro.
00:20:22Well, now, I'm going to have to run this by Homelander,
00:20:23but, uh,
00:20:25in honest-to-God faith healing,
00:20:26that's like a nine-point bump
00:20:28with Pentecostals right there.
00:20:31God damn.
00:20:48There's my guy.
00:20:50Little pep in the step, huh?
00:20:54Sir, I did what you said,
00:20:55and I upstaged that fuckhead at work.
00:20:58I'm proud of you.
00:20:59You know, that's exactly how I handled
00:21:01that motherfucker Paul Rudd.
00:21:03He's not who you think he is.
00:21:04I appreciate the help, boss.
00:21:06You bring...
00:21:07Oh, my God, kid.
00:21:08You know what?
00:21:09Keep this between us, but...
00:21:10You know a lot of studios hung me out to dry
00:21:12after they shelved training A-train?
00:21:14Oh, yeah.
00:21:16And at first, I drowned my sorrows in crack.
00:21:19Nitrous, huff and glue, huff and paint,
00:21:21paint thinners, cough medicine,
00:21:22guns, high-risk sex, codeine.
00:21:24Did you ever fuck on codeine?
00:21:28But that's not the answer.
00:21:32This play...
00:21:35It saved me.
00:21:36You saved me.
00:21:38Wow.
00:21:40No.
00:21:41Kid, thank you.
00:21:43Because I got some big news.
00:21:46We're going to Broadway.
00:21:47Yes, no more mindless studio bullshit.
00:21:50I can probably be the artist I always dreamed of,
00:21:52and you.
00:21:52Kid, you have no idea,
00:21:54but you're going to be a fucking star.
00:21:56So you ditch that office, kid,
00:21:58because you and I,
00:21:59we're going to save the world
00:22:02with our talent.
00:22:03Oh, my God, you have no idea
00:22:05how much this means to me.
00:22:08I love you, kid.
00:22:12You start your vocal warm-ups.
00:22:14Yeah.
00:22:15I'm going to drop a juice.
00:22:22Fucking Tony Gilroy.
00:22:29Okay.
00:22:34Fucking Tony Gilroy.
00:22:36Adam?
00:22:39Adam?
00:22:40Oh, my God.
00:22:41Holy shit.
00:22:42Get it up!
00:22:43Get it up!
00:22:44Get it up!
00:22:47God!
00:22:51Come here.
00:22:55Come here.
00:22:56Closer.
00:23:01My ass hurts so fucking much.
00:23:03My ass hurts so fucking much.
00:23:28Hey, bro.
00:23:29Don't you fucking hate bro me?
00:23:30What the fuck is wrong with you?
00:23:34Nothing.
00:23:34Why?
00:23:35What's wrong with you?
00:23:35I call you a clam diver,
00:23:37and you send an eel to ass-murder Adam Bork?
00:23:39Did something terrible happen
00:23:40at your play rehearsal today?
00:23:42Which is definitely not your job.
00:23:43The lead producer's stepping away.
00:23:45They're shuttering the production.
00:23:47Get it coming.
00:23:49Fucker didn't use my improvs in Dawn of the Seven.
00:23:51He believed in me, you fuckwit!
00:23:53And for what?
00:23:54Because I fucking upstaged you with O-Father?
00:23:57Here's what's gonna happen now.
00:23:59You are gonna fucking do whatever I say,
00:24:02whenever I say it.
00:24:03I'm gonna tell Homelander you are in some pussy play,
00:24:06which is a definite conflict of interest
00:24:08since Homelander outlawed
00:24:10the National Endowment for the Arts.
00:24:14You have nothing to say?
00:24:16Nice.
00:24:18You were getting the hang of that Meisner technique, huh?
00:24:28Hey, buddy.
00:24:30Good boy.
00:24:32Good boy.
00:24:37You wanna fuck me?
00:24:39You wanna fuck me like a good boy?
00:24:43Americans.
00:24:44We've got you people.
00:24:46We have our own church for Americans.
00:24:59Hold on.
00:25:01What are you doing?
00:25:02Frenchie won't cook my steak pasopini, I'm rare.
00:25:04And I like mine burnt.
00:25:06With ketchup.
00:25:06Okay, and why don't you tell him that?
00:25:08I have.
00:25:10Maybe we just don't like the same...
00:25:13steak.
00:25:14You know?
00:25:18Jesus Christ.
00:25:20Has Butcher ever washed this thing?
00:25:22Oh, that thing is, like, glazed in dog semen.
00:25:25Like a cum donut.
00:25:26Cum nut?
00:25:27Did I just invent a new word?
00:25:29You know what?
00:25:29I'm gonna do a cell a favor and wash this.
00:25:32Terror.
00:25:32Your boyfriend is about to become a virgin all over again.
00:25:35Shh.
00:25:36Good boy.
00:25:38Good boy.
00:25:41Good boy.
00:25:42Good boy.
00:25:42Good boy.
00:25:43Good boy.
00:25:43Good boy.
00:25:43Good boy.
00:25:44Good boy.
00:25:56What the fuck is that?
00:25:57You finally building yourself a fuckbot?
00:25:59Something me and Frenchie are working on.
00:26:02Proper preparation and planning, my son.
00:26:05None of my fucking business got it.
00:26:06Yeah, that's the one.
00:26:08Any leads on bombsite?
00:26:09Not a damn thing.
00:26:11Well, he's an unbreakable cunt that flies through the air.
00:26:12How hard can it be?
00:26:14Well, if it's so easy, why don't you look for him?
00:26:17I've hit every single dead end and then some.
00:26:19How about legend?
00:26:20That old bastard knows everyone.
00:26:22He's in the wind.
00:26:23And if I had as much shit on Vod as he did, I'd fuck off too.
00:26:27Oh, shit.
00:26:28Wait, wait, wait.
00:26:29Wait.
00:26:30Terror, no.
00:26:30Hey.
00:26:31Get down.
00:26:31Good boy.
00:26:32Terror.
00:26:32Good boy.
00:26:33Wait, wait, wait.
00:26:33No.
00:26:35You can't have no chocolate, mate.
00:26:36Yeah, get your own chocolate.
00:26:44What?
00:26:46Free Mississippi rule.
00:26:47Bloody hell.
00:26:47I never thought I'd see the die.
00:26:49It's got a fucking pubic ear on it.
00:26:51And no.
00:26:51Tasty, too.
00:26:53Hmm?
00:26:56You know what's funny?
00:26:59Here we are, parked in the middle of hell.
00:27:03And I've never slept or shit so good my entire life.
00:27:06What's different?
00:27:08Well, like you, I just finally realized that I'm already dead.
00:27:13And once I just gave up that stress of needing to stay alive, it's like, shit got easier.
00:27:22You know, I spent my whole life going after Soulja Boy for what he did to my family.
00:27:27Yet, he's immortal?
00:27:30He's immune.
00:27:33What kind of fucking cosmic joke is that?
00:27:36So you tell me, Butcher, why should I keep going?
00:27:41Well, you keep going from Monique to Janine.
00:27:46They're better off without me.
00:27:47How can a man so smart be so fucking daft?
00:27:50They are.
00:27:51And I'm better off without them.
00:27:54Because if I thought that there was a snowball's chance in hell, that I might see him again.
00:28:02Then I might be too scared to do what you and me both need me to do.
00:28:28Oh, bonsoir, mon toutou.
00:28:31You wonder what am I doing?
00:28:33Well, first, I made Kimiko.
00:28:36You know, the perfect French rebuy.
00:28:39You know, she loves my steak.
00:28:42And for dessert, my soufflé en chocolate.
00:28:46It's a thing of legend.
00:28:55You know, she wants one of you, too.
00:28:59I don't know.
00:29:00What is it that you do?
00:29:03Eat, sleep, or fetch?
00:29:06Ha-ha.
00:29:07I throw the ball.
00:29:08You bring it back.
00:29:10I throw the ball.
00:29:11You bring it back.
00:29:13It's a nightmare of futility.
00:29:16What would I do with one of you?
00:29:18I've killed every plant I've owned.
00:29:21I'll surely kill you, too.
00:29:28You know, she deserves peace and normal life.
00:29:35But I...
00:29:41I don't know how to give her this.
00:29:47If I even can.
00:29:53Oh, la, la, la, la, la.
00:29:58No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:30:01Oh, futility...
00:30:07I need fresh air.
00:30:09You want to come?
00:30:10Outside?
00:30:12No?
00:30:13Okay.
00:30:19if you and mm still think oh for fuck's sakes you knock it off with this v1 shite you're
00:30:24doing me fucking head in oi terror cut it out come on now listen if we do find that stuff
00:30:32we're not making any fucking vaccines out of it all right we're not the department of fucking
00:30:36health we burn that shit before home lender gets his paws on it and that's it well if you want
00:30:40to
00:30:40chill yourself knock yourself out but why do you have to decide for the rest of us oh because i'm
00:30:44fucking right because i've always been right i've been telling you lot from the fucking start the sky
00:30:50has fallen and guess what the sky fucking fell well you kind of helped bring it oh don't give me
00:30:55that
00:30:55bollocks listen homelander thinks he's a fucking god once he becomes immortal he's gonna start
00:31:02killing like one and we are talking millions of people now you're telling me you're honestly happy
00:31:08to risk all of that for a life on the run with your girl knowing that you could have stopped
00:31:15it
00:31:17you can live without kenya
00:31:21what if it was becca
00:31:25you just let her die
00:31:32i didn't let her die
00:31:35look
00:31:37i know that homelander comes first
00:31:39i really do
00:31:40all i'm asking
00:31:42is that we try
00:31:45annie and kimiko deserve that much
00:31:50oi terror no
00:31:53oi get out of there
00:31:54oh bloody hell is that chocolate
00:31:56isn't chocolate bad for dogs
00:31:58for a dog the soda's fucking lethal
00:31:59oi french are you cunt
00:32:01get me some hydrogen peroxide would you
00:32:03okay we have some in the first aid kit give me one second
00:32:05what happened
00:32:06you poisoned me fucking dog
00:32:07no
00:32:08what's going on
00:32:09no no no no no no
00:32:10look all you need is charcoal
00:32:12we should call a vet
00:32:12they're gonna tell you you need charcoal
00:32:14guys we got this just give us some room
00:32:15i'll hold his mouth open you pour right on the count of three
00:32:18one two three
00:32:20sorry buddy
00:32:21hang out
00:32:24that's all right
00:32:29oh that's it
00:32:30that's a good boy all right
00:32:32you're gonna be all right boy
00:32:35fucking hell
00:32:41hey
00:32:42you want some turkey
00:32:44well first you gotta fuck me
00:32:48then i'll give you the turkey
00:32:56hi
00:32:58there he is
00:32:59hey
00:33:01hey were you having a dream were you
00:33:03was it a goodie
00:33:08how's he doing
00:33:08yeah
00:33:09he's all right
00:33:12thank you for uh
00:33:14yeah
00:33:15it's all good
00:33:27oi
00:33:29oi
00:33:32listen uh
00:33:35if we do
00:33:36find that b1
00:33:38and if it don't fuck us
00:33:42you can have some
00:33:46for any
00:33:47and uh
00:33:48coming home
00:33:49what about you
00:33:54oi
00:33:54but as soon as frenchie's got that shite sorted
00:33:56we're using it all right
00:33:58really or not
00:34:12what you looking at
00:34:16nothing
00:34:16nothing
00:34:22and as for you
00:34:23don't you ever fucking do that to me again all right
00:34:26good boy
00:34:29now
00:34:30i caught blondie trying to give you wet plus the boil wash
00:34:33i don't know how you love the crunchy bits
00:34:36yes i do
00:34:36i know how you love those crunchy bits
00:34:38yeah
00:34:52you do realize
00:34:53this kind of sudden
00:34:55religious upheaval
00:34:56is likely to generate widespread civil unrest
00:34:59local law can handle the suburbs
00:35:00but we could use extra hands in major metros
00:35:02all right
00:35:02well recall all the soups stationed overseas
00:35:05american heroes should be protecting america
00:35:07not
00:35:08who gives a fuck a stand
00:35:10great idea
00:35:23where to
00:35:23crime analytics
00:35:30that was thrilling
00:35:32wasn't it
00:35:34what a bright future we have ahead of us
00:35:37it was a real gucci-oni piss party
00:35:40imagine how much more exciting it'll be when homelander becomes immortal
00:35:47have you found who you are
00:35:51no
00:35:53homelander hasn't gotten anything out of stan edgar
00:35:55no
00:35:57but i haven't had a crack at him yet
00:36:10jesus give me a little personal space will you garth
00:36:1424 7 agents must be hard for someone so into scat play
00:36:17you realize i do actually work
00:36:19i was this close to convincing the fcc to pull every broadcast license but vnn
00:36:24homelander feels this is more important
00:36:28what now
00:36:29the president and i stand by this decision
00:36:31we need our american soups here in america
00:36:35well isn't it kind of sorta your fault for being invaded
00:36:38you might as well have been wearing a short skirt
00:36:40man those ukrainians sure have a fucking mouth on them
00:36:44remember
00:36:45you're doing the lord's work
00:36:47words out
00:36:47vod stock is tanking
00:36:49the international markets are in free fall
00:36:51and you're not the least bit concerned
00:36:53it's not about what i think
00:36:55it's what the man wants
00:36:58it's always what the man wants
00:37:05you want a drink
00:37:07so we're at the climate change summit in reykjavik
00:37:09when the swiss chancellor says we should all race our gulf streams
00:37:13the amount of co2 we splooched out
00:37:15the air was chewy the next day
00:37:17lols
00:37:22come on
00:37:23what do you want from me sage
00:37:25what makes you think i want anything from you
00:37:27you haven't called me the poster child for late term abortion once today
00:37:30truth be told
00:37:30you're not the one i want
00:37:33i know you know what homelander's doing
00:37:35he's going after the v1
00:37:37wait what
00:37:38and if he gets any
00:37:40he lives forever
00:37:41what is v1
00:37:42and what do you mean homelander lives forever
00:37:45i've done what i can to make sure he doesn't find any
00:37:47how do you know about this and i don't
00:37:50have you two been talking without me
00:37:53homelander is an open baby book but soldier boy is tricky i need you to read his mind what he
00:37:58knows where they're headed next and most importantly if soldier boy is warming up to his sadistic regret
00:38:32okay i'm in
00:38:33now don't make you
00:38:35now don't make me drink
00:38:39i'm starving
00:38:40are you starving
00:38:41i'd kill for a chalupa right now
00:39:12i'd kill for a big juicy dick
00:39:13hewitt hewitt hewitt hewitt hewitt used to make fun of my nose
00:39:15so my mom tells mr hewitt that mrs hewitt has been railing the ups guy which she was that was
00:39:22mom bringing a nuke to a knife fight
00:39:28so they moved
00:39:29and the rest of kindergarten was no sweat
00:39:32my folks shot me out with v
00:39:35thinking i'd be a meal ticket
00:39:36and then my power turned out to be smarts
00:39:39which is the worst fucking one
00:39:40try knowing what everyone really thinks of you all day
00:39:43ooh trust me
00:39:44the thing people hate more than just about anything
00:39:47is feeling stupid
00:39:49so when a three-year-old corrects your grammar
00:39:52or oh tells them their life dream yogurt shop is doomed to fail
00:39:57they start to hate you too
00:39:59at least my parents did
00:40:00until they dumped me my grandmas
00:40:02but grandma
00:40:04you know she was the only one who ever thought it was a gift
00:40:08i would quote a fellow to her word for word and and
00:40:13she'd clap
00:40:15and laugh her big laugh
00:40:19i'm still so pissed she is gone
00:40:23i used to want to be like my mom
00:40:28strong pushy as fuck
00:40:30didn't take shit from anyone
00:40:31you still can
00:40:34if you help me
00:40:38fuck you
00:40:40you knew about my mom the whole time
00:40:41you drew it out of me just to soften me up
00:40:44did it work
00:40:44no this is my fucking problem with you
00:40:47i know you've been working some big plan all year
00:40:49how am i supposed to trust you if i'm just a pawn in your
00:40:52fucked up chess game all right
00:40:55if i tell you will you help me
00:40:58i would heavily consider it helping homelander take control of the country is phase one
00:41:04it was only ever the beginning phase two is the end the end of what
00:41:08the world after this soup killing virus is released wait you want it released oh you bet i do
00:41:16after soups you realize humans are behind it all hell will break loose
00:41:21soups butchering humans virus butchering soups
00:41:25oh
00:41:25fucking world war soup
00:41:26i don't believe you
00:41:28swear on my grandma's soul
00:41:29why would you possibly want that
00:41:32because i'll be watching from my cozy bunker outside colorado springs
00:41:36and when it's all over i can read all day every day
00:41:41no one bothering me
00:41:44nothing but peace and quiet forever
00:41:49which is why homelandry can't survive
00:41:52that needy asshole would never give me a moment's rest
00:41:55and defeats the whole purpose
00:41:58don't worry you're invited to my bunker
00:42:01you too ashley
00:42:10would you like some knee pads sorry what you're looking at me like you want to suck my hog
00:42:18so i'm asking you if you would like some knee pads
00:42:21go easy on the little guy he brought me stan egger thank you sir you may leave
00:42:38what crawled up your shithole no idea what you mean when you're pissy
00:42:43you tend to make everybody else's lives pissy too
00:42:47stan edgar still stonewalling you i've talked to him three times now says he has no idea where
00:42:52the v1 is heart rate steady as a rock i'm starting to believe him that slippery
00:42:58fuck used to fetch my cocaine
00:43:03you know what i have an idea
00:43:08why don't i take a crack at him
00:43:12what you don't trust me well you did lock me in a room with nuclear material and uh tried to
00:43:19stop me
00:43:19getting the b1 so i'm sure you can understand my hesitance you could have killed me at fort harmony
00:43:26but you didn't maybe i feel like i owe you or maybe you're lying maybe
00:43:37give me an hour i'll meet you at edgar cell
00:43:51my my now the mighty have fucked themselves square in the ass
00:43:57don't shit where you eat stan so you've called in reinforcements i wanted to see the prick that
00:44:02sold me out to the reds he wasn't personal it was a business decision we had your replacement
00:44:07model on the way even as a toddler homelander showed more promise than you ever did
00:44:14not that it amounted to much when have you ever done anything remotely interesting or original my
00:44:23power is absolute stan at heights no one's even dreamed of i'd call that pretty fucking original
00:44:32nothing that the lowest speck of this pointless species couldn't have thought of were they to be
00:44:38granted your level of power why am i still alive because you're useful stan and i always wanted a
00:44:48pet perhaps or is it because you are so desperate for daddy figures that you can't even bring yourself
00:44:55to kill the ones who hate you at least that's something he and i have in common do you want
00:45:02to die stan
00:45:09jesus you'd get pregnant with all the eye fucking tempe arizona is that supposed to mean something
00:45:17well i had the eggheads and crime analytics track down your granddaughter zoe and her dad they're in tempe arizona
00:45:30so where is the v1
00:45:35as i told you i genuinely don't know
00:45:44but
00:45:47i may know someone who does you should go and see mr marathon in la
00:45:52he's always had an intense interest in vaught's history it should be a delightful reunion
00:46:15homelander is really uh really good to see you um why but uh you know what what brings you by
00:46:20relax we're just here to talk yeah great awesome it's soldier boy wow big fan sir i actually uh
00:46:26pop my cherry in your underoos nice so you were part of the seven i was i was you know
00:46:33until this
00:46:33one replaced me with a train check it out come on well you're only the world's fastest man as long
00:46:39as
00:46:39you're the world's fastest man champ and you got slow it was one race you never gave me the chance
00:46:44to
00:46:44win it back boss hey check this one gross 35 mil on a 200 million dollar budget these aren't even
00:46:56vod films what's the difference these were made where washed up soups go to die sony pictures tv
00:47:02it's a legit studio and i save half on their tvs and maybe we're not part of the official vcu
00:47:08and
00:47:08maybe we can't mention vod or you know any licensed vod hero but hey still making magic that and i
00:47:16uh
00:47:16i sling a little bit on the side low pills whatever you need fastest dealer in town all right come
00:47:22on
00:47:22the gang will be psyched to meet you
00:47:28did you guys hear they rounded up aziz macaulay joaquin kiefer merrill i also heard they got
00:47:34benedict wong or cumberbatch oh i know dude what the fuck mel chemical get your boys in check huh just
00:47:40because i'm a soup doesn't mean i truck in that fascist shit we need to do something counterpoint
00:47:44why because we're storytellers dude our superpower is we inspire hearts and minds look at the
00:47:50characters we create luke skywalker katniss condi oh bitch please come on like mark hamill j-law and
00:47:56sir ben kingsley do anything but collect their fucking residuals they're very engaged look here's what we
00:48:02do we all post about this simultaneously on instagram yes black squares on the main feed black lives matter
00:48:09did black squares fuck you're right we do blue squares on the grid because blue lives matter i
00:48:14wouldn't post that is there any color that hasn't been taken by some fucking group what about white
00:48:20around oh oh i'll get lena dunham to write an editorial for the atlantic that'll really
00:48:26people that has great readership she's very persuasive whatever fuck stinks look best day of my life
00:48:32was when they executed hater right more offer only's for the forte hey do you think michael cera's a star
00:48:38letter because we're up for the same part right now and be pretty good if you got vanished we've
00:48:41been friends with him for 20 years chris yeah but i really need this part man oh no oh no
00:48:46what's up
00:48:48homelander soldier boy wow i'm will remember me i'm the one who turned in channing tatum
00:48:57seth rogan we actually met once before uh with black noir the premiere for silent vengeance 3 vengeance
00:49:03reloaded big fan i'm actually uh testifying in front of congress for you you know outing suspected
00:49:09starlighters spoiler alert post malone you need to get the away from me right now you bet yeah
00:49:17we came here looking for something what do you know about v1
00:49:23you come to the right place
00:49:33here you go
00:49:37oh yeah law yanked that one from newsstands after kent state
00:49:43good times how'd you end up with it some old bitch on ebay i paid 20 bucks i mean it'll
00:49:48go for half a
00:49:49millet auction easy
00:49:59yeah dr vaught was uh was a titan a visionary he was a pansy with a german accent and sweaty
00:50:05palms
00:50:07he was a complicated guy
00:50:16do you or do you not have v1 i don't but bombsite does he does that piece of
00:50:27shit still alive yeah he was my best customer for a long time what makes you think he has it
00:50:31one night
00:50:32he was tweaked out of his gourd and he told me he has some and i believe him where is
00:50:36he me and
00:50:36bombsite are still cool why don't we all just hang out for a sec and i'll call him he'll fly
00:50:41right over
00:50:49let's get this up in bogota where you're taking a pass i mean for the soldier boy nothing but the
00:50:55best
00:51:02oh no i actually hate weed i just pretend to like it from my brand so i can sell ashtrays
00:51:07to suckers
00:51:10um yo homelander uh you want to hit this it is my life goal to smoke you out homie
00:51:21don't call me that homelander it's good to see you again
00:51:30do i know you yeah uh we met like six times malchemical make deadly gases did that whole campaign with
00:51:37gas
00:51:42that's embarrassing homelander is still as weird as he was when i was there well i wasn't there back
00:51:48then but yes let's get this one one time at ledue misha barton wanted to suck him off right he
00:51:54spent
00:51:55two hours talking to her about nichi then left when she stepped on his cape oh that cape like a
00:52:00baby with
00:52:01blanket pretty sure he jerks off into it probably why it's so stiff huh say that again oh can't you
00:52:11take
00:52:11a fucking joke say it again i thought as much if bombsite's not coming i'm leaving no he's on his
00:52:22way
00:52:22be here any minute i swear nah i'm done
00:52:31oh by the way hey i heard you all and i want you all to know that very soon gentlemen
00:52:38you are going to pay for your sick posts and your hateful memes especially the memes
00:52:48no no no no it was camale and seth's idea what i was to get food it was he was
00:52:53fucking his idea man if he is just sucking your dick so you can help his shitty fucking career
00:52:57take them okay shut up i'll take them out for you right now oh really yeah you want to take
00:53:00me
00:53:01bitch i'm fucking yoked shut up okay you're making this worse everybody stop we really should round
00:53:08up michael cera home letter sorry quick question what oh for fuck's sake
00:53:23who's memorable now what the fuck easy easy easy can we fuck off please sure mcgruber everything is
00:53:29cool hey man we don't have a problem with you honest but but but but fuck this fucking guy you
00:53:33he fucked my life if you help us get rid of him then we all win and you you can
00:53:39have the seven
00:53:39and i don't even like really care if you bring me back or whatever i don't need to kill him
00:53:43to get
00:53:43the seven no yeah of course not but what about all that creepy he's doing with that church i mean
00:53:47they're rounding up everybody cool all the hookers the drug dealers they want to ban porn i mean they
00:53:53want to ban fucking abortions okay well banning abortion would be a big problem for me personally
00:53:58exactly exactly for all of us so so if we kill him we can stop worrying about being cops or
00:54:03or gods or
00:54:05or asexual weirdos you know we can go back to fucking and and being awesome look we know you've
00:54:11got that up chest blast thing i mean i was at hero gas and i saw it just finish him
00:54:16now take away his
00:54:17powers so we can curb stomp him while we have the chance he is a fucking asexual weirdo yeah yeah
00:54:31but as much as it pains me to say this he's my fucking asexual weirdo
00:54:41nobody fucks my son but me what that came out wrong
00:55:08damn trail need to stick to acting up top of us fuck my shit up soldier boy
00:55:179-1-1-1 what's your emergency yeah please send police right now i don't know the address
00:55:22do you know the address i don't know the address oh fuck fuck shut up shut up i'm not gonna
00:55:27kill you
00:55:28i'm gonna get you out of here but you need to do exactly as i say
00:55:37go go
00:55:39go
00:55:43fuck
00:55:44fuck
00:55:54no no
00:56:03what'd you do to be bad
00:56:06seth
00:56:06fuck
00:56:08hey hey hey hey hey is it bad well uh i i didn't mean to i don't want to die
00:56:15bad
00:56:16it's gonna be okay i'll remember you every time i watch an american pickle what
00:56:29way
00:56:31no
00:56:32no
00:56:36but
00:56:38No!
00:56:42No!
00:56:42No!
00:56:43No!
00:56:43No!
00:56:44No!
00:57:02Stop!
00:57:04Fuck!
00:57:05Does bombsite really have it?
00:57:08Fuck you
00:57:08I'm gonna rip your balls off and stuff them down your throat
00:57:11That'd be like trying to shove two grapefruits through a garden hose
00:57:15Does Bobside have the V1s?
00:57:19Oh god
00:57:21Yes, yes, okay, yes, that part was true
00:57:23I swear to fucking god, man
00:57:24He's got it
00:57:25Where is he?
00:57:26I don't know
00:57:26Where the fuck is he?
00:57:27I don't know, I haven't talked to him in like five years, I swear man
00:57:29I swear to god, please
00:57:31Oh fuck
00:57:44What happened?
00:57:45I took care of it
00:57:50Why?
00:57:52Because fuck them
00:57:55That's why
00:57:57I don't think this micro prick was lying
00:57:59Bombside has to be one
00:58:01You just gotta find him
00:58:04Also, um
00:58:08I've been fucking firecracker
00:58:11But
00:58:12Out of respect for you, that's
00:58:15That's done
00:58:18Plus her pillow talk was
00:58:21Getting to be a real drag
00:58:24Pillow talk?
00:58:28Uh-oh
00:58:40Uh-oh
00:58:56Oh, Lander.
00:59:00How was L.A.?
00:59:04Did you catch Annette's truth bomb?
00:59:06I did, indeed.
00:59:07And it was a real barn burner.
00:59:10Well done.
00:59:10Thank you, sir.
00:59:11That means the world.
00:59:14How's sex with my father?
00:59:19Is he good at it?
00:59:21Are you thinking about me
00:59:24when you're making love to him?
00:59:28I never meant to cross a line or offend you.
00:59:32Oh, no, no, no, no.
00:59:33Don't fret, little one.
00:59:34I don't care about the sex.
00:59:36Really.
00:59:38But I do care about your little chats after sex.
00:59:41Sir, whatever soldier boy told you, I can assure you that I...
00:59:44You mean, uh, your inner turmoil when it comes to me and, uh, Jesus.
00:59:53Are you thinking of Jesus when you're praising me?
00:59:56No, you are my one and only savior.
01:00:00You say that, but your jagged little heart is whirring like a hummingbird.
01:00:09You're supposed to worship me.
01:00:12Love me.
01:00:13And me alone.
01:00:15I do.
01:00:16I believed in you.
01:00:17I believed in you.
01:00:18Turns out...
01:00:21You don't believe in me.
01:00:25I need you to collect your things.
01:00:28And leave.
01:00:32But I do believe in you.
01:00:34I love you.
01:00:36I am the only one here who ever has.
01:00:39I gave you everything.
01:00:41I gave you my soul.
01:00:43And everybody else here, they're just...
01:00:45They're just scared of you.
01:00:47Or they want something from you.
01:00:49But I have always loved you for you.
01:00:54Just the strongest, smartest, best man on earth.
01:01:00Hmm.
01:01:01Man.
01:01:02No, no, no, no, no, no.
01:01:03God, no.
01:01:04No, but thee.
01:01:05God.
01:01:07My Lord.
01:01:08That look you used to get when you'd suckle me.
01:01:12I felt like Mother Mary herself.
01:01:15I felt blessed.
01:01:17To nourish someone as...
01:01:20important as you.
01:01:26But nothing I ever did was good enough, was it?
01:01:29You cast me out into the cold.
01:01:32Which was so much worse than never feeling your warmth in the first place.
01:01:37So all I have been trying to do is to get you to see me the way that you used
01:01:42to.
01:01:44Hell, the only reason I was with Soldier Boy was because your reflected light...
01:01:50is better than the light at all.
01:01:53Please, sir.
01:01:56I love you.
01:01:58We all need love, don't we?
01:02:02Even God.
01:02:07I don't know.
01:02:47Hooray for Hollywood
01:02:49That screwy ballyhoo-y Hollywood
01:02:52Where any office for your young mechanic
01:02:55Can be a panic
01:02:57With just a good-looking patent
01:03:00And any barmaid can be a starmate
01:03:04If she dances with or without a fan
01:03:07Hooray for Hollywood
01:03:08Where you're terrific if you're even good
01:03:11Where anyone at all from Shirley Temple
01:03:15To Amy Semple is equally understood
01:03:19Go out and try your luck
01:03:21You might be Donald Duck
01:03:23Hooray for Hollywood
01:04:02Hooray for Hollywood
01:04:05That phony super coney Hollywood
01:04:08They come from Chillicotties and Paducahs
01:04:11With their bazookas
01:04:13To get their names up in lights
01:04:15All armed with photos from local rotos
01:04:19With their hair and ribbon and legs and tights
01:04:22Hooray for Hollywood
01:04:24You may be homely in your neighborhood
01:04:27But if you think that you can be an actor
01:04:30See Mr. Factor
01:04:32He'll make a monkey look good
01:04:34Within a half an hour
01:04:36You'll look like Tyrone Bower
01:04:39Hooray for Hollywood
01:04:46Hooray for Hollywood
01:04:49Hooray for Hollywood
01:04:49Hooray for Hollywood
01:04:52Hooray for Hollywood
01:04:59Hooray for Hollywood
01:05:10Hooray for Hollywood
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