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The King Of Queens S03E15 Ctrl Episode 15 Engsub
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00:04yellow oh hey Arthur it's me Doug what can I do you for actually I was just
00:09calling to check the messages off of the machine so just hang up and I'll call
00:12right back gotcha
00:23yellow Arthur didn't I just ask you not to pick up no you said I should hang up
00:28and you'd call right back okay what I meant was I wanted the machine to get it
00:33not you I'm trying to check my messages you want me to just check them for you
00:37no no thank you no last time you did that you erased all the messages and our
00:41outgoing messages and unplugged the lamp just let it ring okay that's your world
00:48I just live in it
00:56yellow Arthur what did I just say I'm sorry it's habit well do me a favor break the habit
01:02okay I'm running out of freaking change here hi
01:15yellow Arthur what is this some kind of sick little joke I'm sorry I've been
01:19answering the phone my whole life you're asking me to undo 75 years of
01:24instinct in a moment that is not easy just don't pick up fine I'm going
01:30downstairs to lie down well thank you
01:41yeah hello
01:42Arthur oh god what the hell is going on in your head that you keep doing this I need to
01:48understand
01:49my eyes are getting weary my back is getting tight I'm sitting here in traffic on the
01:58queensberg bridge tonight but I don't care cause all I want to do
02:05is catch my check and drive right home to you
02:11cause baby all my life I will be driving home to you
02:32baby you ready
02:36let's hit it cowboy boots that's right ma'am
02:41so what you're gonna go rope yourself a meatball sandwich
02:44I like them plus they were on sale at Tom McCann
02:47honey just because something is on sale doesn't mean you have to buy it we discussed this when you
02:52came home with the microscope now go ahead go change fine I'll change but not because of you
02:58only because they hurt like hell
03:06hello hey it's me oh hey Kel we're just about out the door what's up I'm glad I caught you
03:10we're gonna have to cancel on you tonight oh why deacon has to work late again oh that's crappy
03:16well how about we do something tomorrow what about uh brunch over here I'll see you then okay
03:20bye bye all right got my sneakers on spotlight's back on you now happy
03:28Kelly just called and canceled deacon has to work late tonight really
03:34so you want to just do takeout all right how about Italian hey how about we do Chinese you
03:39want to try that new place tongue shing house you had me at tongue
03:50hi how you doing now my wife called in an order and what is your last name
03:57hello sir I'm sorry you just you threw me with the British thing there I grew up in Hong Kong
04:04I
04:04apologize if not ethnic enough for you would you like me to chink it up a little
04:07check I told she teach I told it's still father I'd love to wait the guy the name's ever and
04:16it's
04:16right there I'm 1850 okay we'll be ready in a moment all right thanks
04:43hey man hey hey what's uh going on there chiefie nothing much just uh just having some dinner dinner
04:52big fan no no secret there though huh right right so I thought you were so who's your friend here
04:59um Doug this is Angie hi hi how you doing nice to meet you and deacon's told me a lot
05:06about you
05:06has he cuz uh he hasn't told me that much about what oh gosh I guess my order's ready okay
05:13uh I guess I
05:14see you tomorrow I will see you whenever or not either way it was okay coming okay I gotta go
05:20all
05:20right I know this looks a little weird no no no you're just pretending to work late to meet with
05:30your lovely vacation planner because you're gonna surprise Kelly with a trip to Oahu no
05:34Puerto Rico no Amish country give me Amish country no man no then what it's what it looks like all
05:42right
05:42I can't believe this man hey American GI you're a number one good time order ready
05:48it's enough of that okay I get it look I should get back just be cool about this and I
05:54promise we'll
05:55talk tomorrow okay we'll talk tomorrow you call this a family restaurant so I looked her square in
06:09the eyes and said ma'am you are undoubtedly the most fetching woman in all of Shreveport and what did
06:17she say my good sir I do believe you're giving me the famous nice then what happened I knocked the
06:26barbecue out of her hand bent her over the porch railing and said I'll give you more than vapors
06:31you're not charming story gone very wrong what's going on with you two over there I'm fine you haven't
06:45anything yeah you know what I'm really not I'm not hungry what I'm not hungry that allowed it's
06:55allowed just never heard you say it what's your story oh nothing just it's tired well if you can
07:03tell your boss maybe one time that you can't work late it doesn't work that way well why is it
07:09always
07:09you that has to stay how should I know well I'd say it's pretty damn clear why you got some
07:14crap work
07:14give it to the color guy there's nothing going on at work now drop it sure why not drop it
07:22by the
07:22way how's the weather in the town of young white mailville for God's sakes everyone has to work late I
07:29work late all the time no you don't sure I do when actually I have to work late this coming
07:38Thursday now
07:39can we please in the sweet name of all that is holy talk about something else Arthur you were saying
07:43a
07:43story you had her bent over the railing then what happened no no wait a second I thought you had
07:49next tickets for Thursday I do I guess I just won't be able to use them can I have them
07:54yes you may
07:59do I get it oh crap honey would you do me a favor and grab me a sponge uh yeah
08:04you know what deke why don't you
08:05give me a hand in case the sponges a pie you got it
08:13all right you said you talked to me today so talk to me what's up what's going on Angie's an
08:17old friend
08:18from high school I hadn't seen her since but then she emailed me a couple of months ago you know
08:21how
08:22How you doing? What's going on?
08:24I emailed her back, and things kind of took off from there.
08:28What did you go and email her back for?
08:30There are plenty of other things to do on the Internet.
08:32You think that you're gambling, you're born...
08:36All the other stuff.
08:38It's just that...
08:42Angie and I really connect, you know?
08:45We can talk.
08:46With Kelly lately, she's got her things going on, I got my things,
08:50and more and more, it just seems like our things are different.
08:53Well, just put your things that are different together.
08:54They did it with the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, and it was a huge success.
08:58Douglas, quick question.
09:00What is it, Arthur?
09:00Can I grab those Nick tickets from you now?
09:02You know what? I'll give them to you later.
09:04What if I don't see you later?
09:06If you live in our basement, I will see you.
09:09Give me a time.
09:11Three. A.M. or P.M.?
09:14If it's A.M., I need to move some things around.
09:17Will you just leave us alone?
09:18Fine.
09:22Why didn't you tell me?
09:23I haven't told anyone.
09:24I'm not exactly proud of it.
09:27Doug, honey, I think you misunderstood.
09:28I meant the indoor sponge, not the outdoor sponge.
09:32I was just talking to Deke about my Roy Orbison collectible plate.
09:37Yeah, yeah.
09:39Doug was saying how it may or may not increase in value.
09:43I hope it increases.
09:46All right, well, my ears are about to snap off.
09:48I'm going to head back inside.
09:49Honey, you're getting a snotsicle.
09:55We better get back in there.
09:56Look, I hate to put you in this position, man,
09:58but please, just be cool for a little while longer, okay?
10:01All right.
10:02Look, I got ranger tickets for next month.
10:04Don't blow that for me.
10:16All right, you guys.
10:17Thanks again.
10:18It was great.
10:19Hey, let's do a movie this week.
10:20All right, buddy.
10:20Yeah, I'll call you.
10:21All right.
10:21All right.
10:21Okay.
10:22Good people.
10:23Nice people.
10:25Solid people.
10:28Doug, honey, do I strike you as stupid and or unaware?
10:34Nope.
10:34You are as sharp as against you, pretty girl.
10:37So then what's going on?
10:39Not a thing.
10:42Are you enjoying that issue of Marie Claire?
10:46Yes, I am.
10:47And by the way, I know you're staring at me,
10:49and it doesn't bother me a bit.
10:52Just stare all you want.
10:53There's nothing going on.
10:55In fact, what's going on with you?
10:59Yeah, maybe there's something going on with you.
11:01Maybe I should stare right back at you.
11:02How would that feel, huh?
11:12Eyes off.
11:15All right, so let me think about this.
11:17You've been acting strange ever since you came home
11:19from the restaurant last night.
11:20Did something happen there?
11:24Maybe.
11:25But I'm not at liberty to discuss it.
11:28Did what happened involve Deacon?
11:30Because you guys have been acting very weird this morning.
11:34Perhaps.
11:34But once again, not at liberty.
11:38And you just got those Knick tickets,
11:40so I know you're not really working late.
11:43Was Deacon really working late last night,
11:46or were you, like, covering for him?
11:48Okay, do you understand the concept of not at liberty?
11:51If you called liberty right now, I wouldn't be there.
11:56When you picked up the food last night,
11:58did you see Deacon there?
12:00With another woman?
12:02Yes, but that's all you're getting out of me.
12:06Oh, my God.
12:07He's having an affair?
12:09Okay, you did not hear that from me, okay?
12:10If it ever comes up, you heard it from a British-Chinese guy.
12:16Kelly is gonna be so devastated.
12:19Oh, you're not planning on telling Kelly.
12:21Doug, the man is running around behind her back.
12:24She has a right to know.
12:26She's my best friend.
12:27Well, he's my best friend.
12:27Then I only promised I wouldn't say anything.
12:29Well, tough.
12:30Doug, I can't look her in the eyes and not tell her.
12:32So don't look at her eyes.
12:32Look at her breasts.
12:33That's what I do.
12:36Doug, listen to me, hon.
12:38I know this is tough on you, but it's tough on me, too.
12:41I'm sorry.
12:41If Deacon doesn't tell Kelly, I'm gonna have to.
12:45There you are.
12:46Look, we, uh, we need to talk.
12:48Yeah, I kind of need to talk to you, too.
12:50I'm sorry.
12:50Man, I couldn't even sleep last night.
12:52I don't know, man.
12:53I just feel like I really...
12:56Hey, Bergen, why don't you go take that dog for a walk, huh?
12:59Yeah.
12:59Goodbye, goodbye.
13:02Ace, all right, go ahead.
13:03Look, I just feel like I screwed up so bad, man,
13:05and now I'm dragging you into this,
13:06and hey, I'm gonna pay you for those Nick tickets, all right?
13:08You shut up.
13:09Come on, you think I care about those, huh?
13:10They were a gift from Carrie's boss.
13:12Right.
13:12Sorry.
13:13Although they're worth like 160 bucks.
13:15If you want to toss me something, that's your call.
13:16Whatever.
13:17Well, I gotta tell you, I did a lot of thinking last night, and...
13:25All right, I'm gonna go ahead with you.
13:29And what?
13:30I'm definitely gonna break things off with Angie.
13:33Excellent idea.
13:33That's it, man.
13:34You break things off with Angie,
13:36and you tell Kelly, and everything's back to ham and eggs.
13:38Tell Kelly?
13:39Oh, no, no, no, no way, man.
13:41Well, why not?
13:41I think you're gonna be surprised.
13:42She has very kind eyes.
13:44Yo, she's hit me with a frying pan.
13:46It ain't like in cartoons, man.
13:47That sucker hurts.
13:50You know what?
13:50Let me come at this from a slightly different angle.
13:53Carrie knows, and if you don't tell Kelly, she will.
13:54You don't, Carrie?
13:56I can't believe you, man.
13:57I didn't tell her.
13:58She got it out of me.
14:00How, Doug?
14:01She stared at me.
14:03You know, you just couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you?
14:05You know what you are?
14:06You're a yenta.
14:06I am not a yenta.
14:07Yes, you are.
14:08Yenta, yenta, yenta, yenta, yenta.
14:09Hey, why are you giving me crap?
14:10You're the one who's sleeping around with someone else who's not your wife.
14:12What are you talking about?
14:12I never slept with Angie.
14:15What?
14:15I never slept with her.
14:17I mean, I'm not sure what would have happened, but so far, all we've done is meet for dinner,
14:21you know?
14:22Talk.
14:23Guy, am I crazy, or is that not the kind of information you'll lead with?
14:27I guess I figured what I was doing was still kind of cheating.
14:30No, it's not, you big dumb ox.
14:33It's not that bad at all.
14:35Now, you tell Kelly, I'll tell Carrie.
14:36We can get on with our lives.
14:38There.
14:39We just cheated more than you ever did.
14:43Carrie.
14:44In here.
14:47Great news, my little chicky.
14:49Turns out Deke is not cheating with that woman.
14:51What?
14:51What do you mean?
14:52Just what I said.
14:53He's not cheating.
14:53He's had as much sex with her as I've had with your dad.
14:57And that's none.
14:59But you saw them in the restaurant together.
15:01I mean, if they weren't having an affair, what was going on?
15:04Well, they just meet for dinner, they eat, they talk, they connect.
15:06And does Kelly know?
15:08No.
15:08Then he's still cheating.
15:10No, he's not.
15:11Yes, he is.
15:12Doug, the man is lying to his wife, sneaking around with another woman, sharing intimate feelings.
15:18That is cheating.
15:19No, it isn't.
15:20Yes, it is.
15:21No, you gotta be naked to cheat.
15:23Wrong.
15:24So you're telling me, if I met a woman and we went out for a dinner or two, and then,
15:28say, I forgot to tell you about it, right, I would be cheating?
15:32Yes.
15:32Really?
15:33And that would be just as bad as if I actually slept with her?
15:35Yes.
15:37Good to know.
15:40That's great.
15:42That's really great, Doug.
15:43Make your stupid little jokes.
15:44But I gotta tell you, I am stunned that on something as important as the meaning of marriage and commitment,
15:52that we would be so far apart.
15:53Yeah, well, we are, my friend.
15:55You're way over there and I'm way over here.
15:57How do?
15:59Oh, shut up.
16:02I'll get it.
16:03What do you want for dinner?
16:04I don't care.
16:09Deke, what's going on, man?
16:10I told Kelly.
16:10And you know what?
16:11You were wrong.
16:11It is as bad as cheating.
16:13I know.
16:13I'm in the middle of the same argument.
16:16She threw you out?
16:17Yeah.
16:18With no shoes?
16:19Yeah.
16:20And as hard as it is to get a cap as a black man, imagine trying to get one as
16:23a black man with no shoes.
16:28Hey, Carrie.
16:30What does he want?
16:31Easy, okay?
16:32He's been tossed out.
16:33Shoeless.
16:34I have nothing to say to him or you or anybody else on this whole sickening subject.
16:40Excuse me.
16:44Sit down, man.
16:45You sure it's okay?
16:47No, it is not okay.
16:50Hey, you know what?
16:51I just figured out what I want for dinner.
16:53A nice hot bowl of shut it stew.
17:02Does he know that he has a baby?
17:04Huh?
17:05You know what?
17:05I'm sorry.
17:06I've had shut it stew before and it sure as diddly didn't taste like that.
17:13Hey, man.
17:14Maybe you better stay in a motel tonight.
17:15Yeah.
17:15Look, Kelly kicked me out without my wallet.
17:17Can you lend me a few bucks?
17:18Oh, yeah.
17:19No problem.
17:20Do not give him money.
17:22Why not?
17:23Because it's half mine and I don't want you to.
17:27Well, fine.
17:27Then I'll just give him twice as much for my half.
17:33And you know what?
17:35I'll drive him to the motel myself and my half in a car.
17:38Come on.
17:41Fine.
17:41And while you're gone, I'm gonna bake you a nice, warm, flaky, my leg in your ass up to
17:45my knee pie for dessert.
17:48That was such a reach.
17:58What is the huge ruckus here?
18:00It's all a man can do to take a simple four-hour nap.
18:03I'm sorry, Dad.
18:04It's...
18:05It's Doug.
18:06He's just got me so...
18:08What happened?
18:09Okay.
18:10Okay.
18:10Let me ask you a question.
18:12If someone is married and then sneaks around and has dinner with another person even though
18:19they are not sleeping with that other person, would you say that that was wrong?
18:23Look, darling, I know Douglas isn't the most physically attractive man in the world, but...
18:29I beg you not to jump ship just yet.
18:33Now, I have a book downstairs of special positions for the overweight that I think...
18:40I think it could be a big help.
18:43I am not talking about me.
18:45I am talking about a friend.
18:48And, uh, is that friend you?
18:52No, it's not.
18:54It's...
18:56It's Kelly.
18:58And are you...
18:59Kelly?
19:01Dad, you don't have to give Kelly air quotes.
19:03You know her.
19:05Oh, my God.
19:06How dare she cheat on that boy while he's out working late to pay for her fancy creams and
19:11powders?
19:13She's not doing anything.
19:15He is.
19:17Oh, and then Doug covers for him.
19:19And, like, that's not bad enough.
19:20He comes home tonight all lit up and happy because, as it turns out, Deacon hasn't slept with this skankola.
19:26Yet.
19:27Like, we should all give him some fat frickin' award for that.
19:30I told Doug he was wrong and I'm just... I'm so mad at him.
19:36Uh, trust me, I am.
19:38No, no, honey.
19:40You see, you and Doug look to Deacon and Kelly as an example of a perfect couple.
19:45Now that their supposedly solid marriage is in trouble, you start to wonder, who's to say yours isn't next?
19:55You're not angry, Cookie.
19:58You're scared.
20:01Wow, Dad.
20:02That was a remarkably lucid thing to say.
20:06I'm coming right out of a nap.
20:31Woo!
20:34Woo!
20:35Woo!
20:42piano plays softly
21:05piano plays softly
21:13piano plays softly
21:56You've reached the Heffernans.
21:57We're not here to take your call, so leave a message.
22:01Arthur, are you there?
22:03Arthur, I just left the house two seconds ago when you were there.
22:06Pick up.
22:07Oh, no.
22:08I'm not falling for your games, big boy.
22:10Arthur, come on, pick up.
22:11I think I left the oven on and the pilot light is broken.
22:16No sale.
22:17Arthur!
22:19Arthur, come on, man.
22:20I know you're there.
22:20Pick up the damn phone!
22:23Pick up the phone, old man!
22:263
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