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The King Of Queens S03E15 Ctrl Episode 15 Engsub
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00:04yellow oh hey Arthur it's me Doug what can I do you for actually I was just
00:09calling to check the messages off of the machine so just hang up and I'll call
00:12right back gotcha
00:23yellow Arthur didn't I just ask you not to pick up no you said I should hang up
00:28and you'd call right back okay what I meant was I wanted the machine to get it
00:33not you I'm trying to check my messages you want me to just check them for you
00:37no no thank you no last time you did that you erased all the messages and our
00:41outgoing messages and unplugged the lamp just let it ring okay that's your world
00:48I just live in it
00:56yellow Arthur what did I just say I'm sorry it's habit well do me a favor break the habit
01:02okay I'm running out of freaking change here hi
01:15yellow Arthur what is this some kind of sick little joke I'm sorry I've been
01:19answering the phone my whole life you're asking me to undo 75 years of
01:24instinct in a moment that is not easy just don't pick up fine I'm going
01:30downstairs to lie down well thank you
01:41yeah hello
01:42Arthur oh god what the hell is going on in your head that you keep doing this I need to
01:48understand
01:49my eyes are getting weary my back is getting tight I'm sitting here in traffic on the
01:58queensberg bridge tonight but I don't care cause all I want to do
02:05is catch my check and drive right home to you
02:11cause baby all my life I will be driving home to you
02:32baby you ready
02:36let's hit it cowboy boots that's right ma'am
02:41so what you're gonna go rope yourself a meatball sandwich
02:44I like them plus they were on sale at Tom McCann
02:47honey just because something is on sale doesn't mean you have to buy it we discussed this when you
02:52came home with the microscope now go ahead go change fine I'll change but not because of you
02:58only because they hurt like hell
03:06hello hey it's me oh hey Kel we're just about out the door what's up I'm glad I caught you
03:10we're gonna have to cancel on you tonight oh why deacon has to work late again oh that's crappy
03:16well how about we do something tomorrow what about uh brunch over here I'll see you then okay
03:20bye bye all right got my sneakers on spotlight's back on you now happy
03:28Kelly just called and canceled deacon has to work late tonight really
03:34so you want to just do takeout all right how about Italian hey how about we do Chinese you
03:39want to try that new place tongue shing house you had me at tongue
03:50hi how you doing now my wife called in an order and what is your last name
03:57hello sir I'm sorry you just you threw me with the British thing there I grew up in Hong Kong
04:04I
04:04apologize if not ethnic enough for you would you like me to chink it up a little
04:07check I told she teach I told it's still father I'd love to wait the guy the name's ever and
04:16it's
04:16right there I'm 1850 okay we'll be ready in a moment all right thanks
04:43hey man hey hey what's uh going on there chiefie nothing much just uh just having some dinner dinner
04:52big fan no no secret there though huh right right so I thought you were so who's your friend here
04:59um Doug this is Angie hi hi how you doing nice to meet you and deacon's told me a lot
05:06about you
05:06has he cuz uh he hasn't told me that much about what oh gosh I guess my order's ready okay
05:13uh I guess I
05:14see you tomorrow I will see you whenever or not either way it was okay coming okay I gotta go
05:20all
05:20right I know this looks a little weird no no no you're just pretending to work late to meet with
05:30your lovely vacation planner because you're gonna surprise Kelly with a trip to Oahu no
05:34Puerto Rico no Amish country give me Amish country no man no then what it's what it looks like all
05:42right
05:42I can't believe this man hey American GI you're a number one good time order ready
05:48it's enough of that okay I get it look I should get back just be cool about this and I
05:54promise we'll
05:55talk tomorrow okay we'll talk tomorrow you call this a family restaurant so I looked her square in
06:09the eyes and said ma'am you are undoubtedly the most fetching woman in all of Shreveport and what did
06:17she say my good sir I do believe you're giving me the famous nice then what happened I knocked the
06:26barbecue out of her hand bent her over the porch railing and said I'll give you more than vapors
06:31you're not charming story gone very wrong what's going on with you two over there I'm fine you haven't
06:45anything yeah you know what I'm really not I'm not hungry what I'm not hungry that allowed it's
06:55allowed just never heard you say it what's your story oh nothing just it's tired well if you can
07:03tell your boss maybe one time that you can't work late it doesn't work that way well why is it
07:09always
07:09you that has to stay how should I know well I'd say it's pretty damn clear why you got some
07:14crap work
07:14give it to the color guy there's nothing going on at work now drop it sure why not drop it
07:22by the
07:22way how's the weather in the town of young white mailville for God's sakes everyone has to work late I
07:29work late all the time no you don't sure I do when actually I have to work late this coming
07:38Thursday now
07:39can we please in the sweet name of all that is holy talk about something else Arthur you were saying
07:43a
07:43story you had her bent over the railing then what happened no no wait a second I thought you had
07:49next tickets for Thursday I do I guess I just won't be able to use them can I have them
07:54yes you may
07:58take it away oh crap honey would you do me a favor and grab me a sponge uh yeah uh
08:04you know what
08:04Deke why don't you give me a hand in case the sponge is a pie you got it
08:13all right you said you talked to me today so talk to me what's up what's going on Angie's an
08:17old
08:17friend from high school I hadn't seen her since but then she emailed me a couple of months ago you
08:21know how you doing what's going on I emailed her back and things kind of took off from there what
08:28did you go and email her back for plenty of other things to do on the internet you're gambling you're
08:33born all the other stuff it's just that Angie and I really connect you know we can talk with Kelly
08:47lately she's got her things going on I got my things and more and more just seems like our
08:52things are different but just put your things that are different together they did it with the Reese's
08:55peanut butter cup and it was a huge success Douglas quick question what is it Arthur can I grab those
09:01Nick tickets from you now you know I'll give them to you later what if I don't see you later
09:05live in
09:07our basement I will see you give me a time three a.m. or p.m. if it's a.m.
09:15I need to move some things
09:16around will you just leave us alone fine why didn't you tell me I haven't told anyone I'm not exactly
09:25proud of it Doug honey I think you misunderstood I meant the indoor sponge not the outdoor sponge
09:32I was uh just talking to Deke about my uh uh Roy Orbison collectible plate yeah yeah Doug was saying
09:39how it may or may not increase in value I hope it increases all right well my ears are about
09:47to
09:47snap off I'm gonna head back inside honey you're getting a snotsicle we better get back in there
09:56look I hate to put you in this position man but please just be cool for a little while longer
10:01okay all right look I got ranger tickets for next month don't blow that for me
10:16all right you guys thanks again it was great hey let's do a movie this week yeah I'll call you
10:21all right all right okay good people nice people solid people Doug honey do I strike you as stupid
10:31and or unaware nope you are sharp as against you pretty girl so then what's going on not a thing
10:42are you enjoying that issue of Marie Claire yes I am by the way I know you're staring at me
10:49and it
10:49doesn't bother me a bit stare all you want there's nothing going on in fact what's going on with you
10:59yeah maybe there's something going on with you maybe I should stare right back at you how would
11:02that feel huh eyes off all right so let me think about this you've been acting strange ever since you
11:18came home from the restaurant last night did something happened there maybe but I'm not at
11:26liberty to discuss it did what happened involved Deacon because you guys have been acting very weird this
11:32morning perhaps but once again not Liberty just got those knick tickets so I know you're not really
11:41working late was Deacon really working late last night or were you like covering for him okay do you
11:48understand the concept of not at Liberty if you called Liberty right now I wouldn't be there when you
11:56picked up the food last night did you did you see Deacon there with another woman yes but that's all
12:03you're
12:04getting out of me oh my god he's having an affair you did not hear that from me okay if
12:11it ever comes
12:11up you heard it from a British Chinese guy Kelly is gonna be so devastated oh you're not planning on
12:20telling Kelly Doug the man is running around behind her back she has a right to know she's my best
12:26friend
12:26well he's my best friend that I already promised I wouldn't say anything I can't look her in the eyes
12:31and
12:31not tell her so don't look at her eyes look at her breasts that's what I do Doug listen to
12:37me hon I
12:38know this is tough on you but it's tough on me too I'm sorry if Deacon doesn't tell Kelly I'm
12:43gonna
12:43have to there you are look we uh we need to talk yeah I kind of need to talk to
12:49you too I'm sorry man
12:50I couldn't even sleep last night I don't know man I just feel like I really hey Bergen why don't
12:57you
12:57go take that dog for a walk huh yeah bye bye please all right go ahead look I just feel
13:04like I screwed up
13:04so bad man and now I'm dragging you into this and hey I'm gonna pay you for those Nick tickets
13:08all
13:08right you shut up come on you think I care about those huh they were a gift from Carrie's boss
13:12right
13:13sorry although they're worth like 160 bucks if you want to toss me something that's your call
13:16whatever I gotta tell you I did a lot of thinking last night and
13:29and what I'm definitely gonna break things off with Angie excellent idea that's it man you break
13:34things off with Angie you tell Kelly and everything's back to ham and eggs tell Kelly oh no no no
13:40no way
13:40man why not I think you're gonna be surprised she has very kind eyes yo she's hit me with a
13:45frying pan it ain't liking cartoons man that sucker hurts you know let me come at this from a slightly
13:51different angle Carrie knows and if you don't tell Kelly she will you don't carry I can't believe
13:57you man I didn't tell her she got it out of me how Doug she stared at me you know
14:03you just couldn't
14:04keep your mouth shut could you know what you are you're a yenta I'm not a yenta yes you are
14:08yenta yenta yenta TV joining me sleeping around with someone else who's not your wife we're you
14:12talking about I never slept with Angie what I never slept with her I mean I'm not sure what would
14:19have
14:19happened but so far all we've done is meet for dinner you know talk guy am I crazy or is
14:24that not
14:25the kind of information you'll leave with I guess what I figured what I was doing was still kind of
14:30cheating no it's not your big dumb ox it's not that bad at all now you tell Kelly I'll tell
14:36Carrie we can get
14:36on with our lives. There, we just cheated more than you ever did. Carrie? In here. Great news,
14:48my little chickie. Turns out Deke is not cheating with that woman. What? What do you mean? Just
14:52what I said. He's not cheating. He's had as much sex with her as I've had with your dad.
14:57That's none. But you saw them in the restaurant together. I mean, if they weren't having an
15:02affair, what was going on? Well, they just meet for dinner. They eat. They talk. They connect.
15:06And does Kelly know? No. Then he's still cheating. No, he's not. Yes, he is. Doug,
15:13the man is lying to his wife, sneaking around with another woman, sharing intimate feelings.
15:18That is cheating. No, it isn't. Yes, it is. No, you got to be naked to cheat. Wrong.
15:24Kelly, so you're telling me if I met a woman and we went out for a dinner or two and
15:28then
15:28say I forgot to tell you about it, right, I would be cheating? Yes. Really? And that would
15:33be just as bad as if I actually slept with her. Yes. Good to know.
15:40That's great. That's really great, Doug. Make your stupid little jokes. But I got to tell
15:44you, I am stunned that on something as important as the meaning of marriage and commitment that
15:52we would be so far apart. Yeah, well, we are, my friend. You're way over there and I'm way
15:56over here. How do? Oh, shut up. I'll get it. What do you want for dinner? I don't care.
16:09Deke, what's going on, man? I told Kelly. And you know what? You were wrong. It is as bad
16:12as cheating. I know. I'm in the middle of the same argument. She threw you out? Yeah.
16:18With no shoes? Yeah. And as hard as it is to get a cab as a black man, imagine trying
16:23to get one as a black man with no shoes. Hey, Carrie. What does he want? Easy, okay? He's
16:32been tossed out. Shoeless. I have nothing to say to him or you or anybody else in this whole
16:38sickening subject. Excuse me. Sit down, man. You sure it's okay? No, it is not okay.
16:50Hey, you know what? I just figured out what I want for dinner. A nice hot bowl of shut it
16:54stew. Does he know that he has a baby? Huh? You know what? I'm sorry. I've had shut it
17:06stew before and it sure as diddly didn't taste like that. Hey, man, maybe you better stay
17:14in a motel tonight. Yeah. Look, Kelly kicked me out without my wallet. Can you lend me a
17:18few bucks? Oh, yeah. No problem. Do not give him money. Why not? Because it's half mine
17:25and I don't want you to. Well, fine. Then I'll just give him twice as much for my half.
17:33And you know what? I'll drive him to the motel myself and my half in a car. Come on.
17:41Fine. And while you're gone, I'm going to bake you a nice, warm, flaky, my leg in your
17:45ass up to my knee pie for dessert. That was such a reach.
17:58What is the huge ruckus here? It's all a man can do to take a simple four-hour nap.
18:03I'm sorry, Dad. It's Doug. He's just got me so...
18:08What happened? Okay. Okay. Let me ask you a question. If someone is married and then sneaks
18:16around and has dinner with another person, even though they are not sleeping with that
18:21other person, would you say that that was wrong? Look, darling, I know Douglas isn't the
18:25most physically attractive man in the world, but I beg you not to jump ship just yet. Now,
18:33I have a book downstairs of special positions for the overweight that I think...
18:40I think it could be a big help. I am not talking about me. I am talking about a friend.
18:48And, uh, is that friend you?
18:52No, it's not. It's... it's Kelly.
18:58And are you Kelly?
19:01Dad, you don't have to give Kelly air quotes. You know her.
19:05Oh, my God. How dare she cheat on that boy while he's out working late to pay for her
19:10fancy creams and powders?
19:14She's not doing anything. He is.
19:17Oh, and then Doug covers for him. And, like, that's not bad enough. He comes home tonight
19:21all lit up and happy because, as it turns out, Deacon hasn't slept with this skankola yet.
19:27Like, we should all give him some fat frickin' award for that.
19:29I told Doug he was wrong, and I'm just... I'm so mad at him.
19:35You're not mad at him.
19:37Uh, trust me. I am.
19:38No, no, honey.
19:40You see, you and Doug look to Deacon and Kelly as an example of a perfect couple.
19:45Now that their supposedly solid marriage is in trouble,
19:49you start to wonder,
19:51who's to say yours isn't next?
19:55You're not angry, Cookie.
19:58You're scared.
20:01Wow, Dad, that was a remarkably lucid thing to say.
20:06I'm coming right out of a nap.
20:36I'm coming right out of a nap.
21:10You're home.
21:13Yeah, I'm home.
21:56You've reached the Heffernens.
21:57We're not here to take your call, so leave a message.
22:01Arthur, are you there?
22:03Arthur, I just left the house two seconds ago when you were there.
22:06Pick up.
22:07Oh, no.
22:08I'm not falling for your games, big boy.
22:10Arthur, come on, pick up.
22:11I think I left the oven on and the pilot light is broken.
22:16No sale.
22:17Arthur!
22:19Arthur, come on, man.
22:20I know you're there.
22:20Pick up the damn phone.
22:23Pick up the phone, old man.
22:25Pick up the damn phone.
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