- 17 hours ago
1997 Plump Fiction FULL HOT MOVIE [Full Movie] [Trending Drama]Full EP - Full
Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:10In 1994, an irreverent young filmmaker shocked audiences at the Cannes Film Festival
00:00:16with a violent, out-of-sequence new movie that changed the style of motion picture storytelling forever.
00:00:22That film won the coveted Palme d'Or, resurrected the career of a former sweat hog,
00:00:26made its director a star, and a handful of people made a shitload of money.
00:00:31The success of the movie spawned a new wave of bloody cinema that is currently sweeping the globe.
00:00:36We feel this type of filmmaking is barbaric and irresponsible.
00:00:40We fear these films will trigger more violence in an already brutal society.
00:00:44Now is the time for Hollywood to supply mankind with a more wholesome, non-violent...
00:00:50What? Affirming potion mixture.
00:01:05I love cappuccino. I love the taste of it. I love the smell of it.
00:01:09I even love the sound of it. Cappuccino.
00:01:12If someone held a gun to my head and forced me to choose a celebrity,
00:01:15any celebrity whose life I'd have to assume,
00:01:17I'd choose Al Pacino because my name would sound like cappuccino.
00:01:21I would choose Major Nelson for my dream of Jeannie.
00:01:25Having your own girl in a bottle would be fun.
00:01:28Yeah, I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you, Bumpkin?
00:01:30Your own little pin-up girl wearing nothing but hair and pants and a halter top,
00:01:34popping out of a cookie jar every time you snapped your fingers.
00:01:37It wasn't a cookie jar. It was a fancy bottle with a plug.
00:01:41A stripper in a bottle. Can you believe that?
00:01:44A freaking call girl in a bottle.
00:01:45And this was prime time. 7.30, right before laughing.
00:01:50Yes, Master. Right away, Master.
00:01:53If I was Barbara Eden, I would have crossed my arms
00:01:56and blinked Major Nelson right into a leather sling.
00:01:58Then we'd see who would be Master.
00:02:02Fucking waitress.
00:02:04What's a sling?
00:02:06I can't believe how fucking stupid you are.
00:02:09Stupid is a stupid...
00:02:11You say that stupid line one more time,
00:02:14I'm going to execute you and every other pancake eating motherfucker in this place.
00:02:18Do you hear me?
00:02:18I'm not eating pancakes.
00:02:20I said, do you hear me?
00:02:21Yes, okay, I'll hear you.
00:02:24Stupid movie.
00:02:26Life is just like a box of chocolates.
00:02:29Life is just like a box of shit.
00:02:32Ah, but what do I care?
00:02:34I'm just written about...
00:02:35Brilliant, violent script in the history of cinema.
00:02:39And somebody's actually producing it.
00:02:41Look out, Bumpkin, my star is on the rise.
00:02:44If your star is on the rise, how come they banned you from the set?
00:02:48I'll show them.
00:02:49I'm going to get my hands on my first million bucks
00:02:51and I'll make my own movie and screw all of them.
00:02:54Oh, actress.
00:02:56Could you bring me another double cappuccino?
00:03:02I am not an actress.
00:03:04I am an aspiring filmmaker.
00:03:08Filmmaker?
00:03:08Filmmaker, wow.
00:03:11Why don't we do a nice, slow tracking shot
00:03:14of you bringing me another fucking cappuccino?
00:03:23That wasn't very nice.
00:03:26Well, nice doesn't get you anywhere.
00:03:28Just ask Barbara Eden.
00:03:29Ow.
00:03:34Look what I've been sitting on.
00:03:37Give me that.
00:03:46Jesus Christ.
00:03:48What is it?
00:03:53Hello?
00:03:55Do I have a sign on my back
00:03:57that says, blow smoke up my ass?
00:03:59Crispin, sweetheart.
00:04:01Do I have a sign on my back
00:04:03that says, blow smoke up my ass?
00:04:05Did you put another sign on the director's back?
00:04:09No, no, there's none that I'm aware of.
00:04:12No, I do not have such a sign.
00:04:13You know why I have no such sign?
00:04:14Because I don't like having smoke blown up my fucking ass.
00:04:17Now, I got lights, I got cameras, I got actors, I got a crew, I even have a fucking cappuccino
00:04:24machine.
00:04:24But there's only one thing I don't have, Bunny.
00:04:26You know what that is?
00:04:27A script, Bunny.
00:04:28I don't have a fucking script.
00:04:30It's the first day of shooting, I don't have a fucking script.
00:04:33Now listen, unless you want me to make a movie
00:04:35about a couple of grips sitting around jerking off and eating crullers,
00:04:38you can get that script down to your front, though.
00:04:40That's yesterday, you fucking hear me?
00:04:42And don't you blow smoke up my ass anymore.
00:04:44I got enough smoke up my ass to elect a pope in my fucking pants.
00:04:48Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
00:04:50Bumpkin, take this to the warehouse in LaBray and Washington.
00:04:53Okay.
00:04:54And this time, don't screw up.
00:04:56It's my last copy.
00:04:58Treat that script as if your life depended on it.
00:05:01Because, frankly, it does.
00:05:05Oh, okay.
00:05:08Love you, Bumpkin.
00:05:10I love you, too, Bunny Rabbit.
00:05:14That's Roberts.
00:05:16Bunny Roberts.
00:05:18Fucking retard.
00:05:21And you, Marcel, Marcel,
00:05:22I don't need some fucking coffee shop mime
00:05:24throwing attitude at me like it's fucking rice at a wedding.
00:05:27Now, you get me that cappuccino and I,
00:05:28or I'll blow that fucking bonnet-wearing head of yours right off.
00:05:31And that goes for every last motherfucking one of you!
00:05:36And that goes for every last motherfucking one of you!
00:05:59I didn't like this!
00:06:01I didn't like this!
00:06:02I didn't like this!
00:06:02I didn't like this!
00:06:04I didn't like this!
00:06:06I didn't like this!
00:07:17The pair of serial killing wrestlers are still on the loose.
00:07:20We're going to be searching for a high of 70.
00:08:04We're going to be searching for a high of 70.
00:08:05You know what they call Goofy?
00:08:07What?
00:08:07Le Chien Les Goufes.
00:08:10You know what they call Mickey?
00:08:11You keep going, Kat.
00:08:12Le Rétan Royale.
00:08:14Le Rétan Royale.
00:08:16That's groovy.
00:08:17Now, what about Dumbo?
00:08:18I don't know.
00:08:19I didn't make it over to Fantasy Moura.
00:08:20But I did see the Little Mermaid.
00:08:22Le Petit Simone.
00:08:23Had her right out in front.
00:08:24Check this out.
00:08:25You know, in the cartoons and the commercials, she's got those two shells covering her breasts.
00:08:28Right, right.
00:08:30Nothing.
00:08:31Get out of here.
00:08:32These two enormous surf and turf tits just hanging out in Disney's daylight.
00:08:36Damn!
00:08:37Yeah, apparently in Europe, seeing a woman's tits is like an everyday thing.
00:08:41So she's just sitting up there waving at the kids.
00:08:43Families huddled around taking her picture.
00:08:46Hair up in the bun?
00:08:47You better believe it.
00:08:48Hey, this black motherfucking hairy ass nigga got to get his ass down.
00:08:51Now I'm telling you that right now.
00:08:57You hit something.
00:09:00Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.
00:09:01Get that fucking bug off the hood of my car.
00:09:17Uh-oh.
00:09:19No page numbers.
00:09:23Oh, fucking bug, huh?
00:09:25We should have a grenade for this type of shit.
00:09:28Maybe we could just spray him with your jerry curl.
00:09:31Say, man, this is Rio hair, okay?
00:09:33Helps a nigga's hair relax.
00:09:34You wouldn't know nothing about that shit.
00:09:36Why don't you relax?
00:09:37How many of them up there, man?
00:09:38I don't know.
00:09:38The place is probably cron.
00:09:41And it only sends two of us?
00:09:42Well, you know Martello.
00:09:44Man, we should have a fucking Uzi.
00:09:48Hey, stop that!
00:09:49Is that the revolutionary new pesticide you've been working on?
00:09:52Hey, man, that's going to get this brother out of this bullshitting ass exterminating suit into an Armani suit.
00:09:56I might even end up with a Porsche.
00:09:58Like most fly niggas.
00:10:00Hey, Julius.
00:10:00It's a fucking donut.
00:10:02This is a lethal puff pastry.
00:10:05Within the walls of this flaky golden crust is a Bavarian cream laced with DDT.
00:10:12Enough to exterminate a whole tenement.
00:10:14Lay one of these suckers on your kitchen counter.
00:10:15You wake up the next morning, it's like fucking cockroach Jonestown.
00:10:18Yeah, and kill an entire family.
00:10:21Huh?
00:10:21You can't leave a fucking poisonous donut laying on the counter.
00:10:24Somebody's going to eat it.
00:10:26And none of you tell them it's poisonous.
00:10:27Look at that fucking donut.
00:10:30We spray once.
00:10:32Oh, man.
00:10:32And that's it.
00:10:34But then they're going to come right back.
00:10:35Uh-huh, and then we'll come back.
00:10:36That's how we make a living.
00:10:38No, that's how Montello makes a fucking living.
00:10:40I don't get paid enough for this bullshit.
00:10:43Say, you know what they call an eclair in New Zealand?
00:10:47So, what's her name again?
00:10:48Mimi.
00:10:49They say she's plumber.
00:10:50Yeah, used to be an exotic dancer.
00:10:54Montello likes his women party size.
00:10:55Oh, yeah, not me.
00:10:56I don't like fat chicks.
00:10:57Yeah, right.
00:10:58I don't.
00:10:58Yeah, okay.
00:10:59Serious, man.
00:10:59Yeah, whatever.
00:11:00Fat, me, no can do.
00:11:01Uh-huh, yeah, right.
00:11:02I'm telling you.
00:11:03Well, let me tell you something.
00:11:03200 years ago, you would have been singing a whole different tune, my friend.
00:11:06Oh, that's right.
00:11:07All right, yes.
00:11:07A man's prowess was measured by the size of his wife.
00:11:10The bigger, the better.
00:11:12Okay, fat women were revered.
00:11:14200 years ago, that little mermaid at Euro Disney would have looked more like a free willy.
00:11:24I hear this Mimi is a real handful.
00:11:26Remember that kung fu dude with the black belt and the noon chucks, Tony Krakatoa?
00:11:30Used to call him Polly Want a Cracker?
00:11:31Little guy?
00:11:32Always smelled like cheese?
00:11:34Mm-hmm, nacho.
00:11:35Right.
00:11:36Well, word around the x-ray room is that those same noon chucks he had, he's wearing on the inside.
00:11:39Sets off every metal detector there is over at LAX, just by driving by the place.
00:11:44All on account of a certain plump ex-stripper.
00:11:47She used to strip?
00:11:49Mm-hmm.
00:11:50Well, uh, what'd he do?
00:11:52Make fun of her?
00:11:53Helped her wax her mustache.
00:11:56She has a mustache?
00:11:57Not anymore.
00:11:58Supposedly, the bitch wanted to get rid of some unsightly facial hair, convinced Tony Krakatoa to help her out.
00:12:03Now he's wearing two wooden sticks inside his monkey motherfucking hands.
00:12:07Shit and sawdust.
00:12:10What's her name again?
00:12:12Mimi.
00:12:13Why are you so worried about the bitch's name?
00:12:16Montello asked me to show her a good time while he's down in Tijuana.
00:12:19Show her a good time?
00:12:21No, not like that.
00:12:24Oh.
00:12:25Show her a good time.
00:12:26Ah!
00:12:28Not like that either.
00:12:30Just take her out for some coffee, keep her from getting bored.
00:12:33Woo-hoo!
00:12:34Three's my lucky number, baby.
00:12:37Nikki.
00:12:43Sounds like we caught somebody with her pants down.
00:12:45Who is it?
00:12:47Exterminator.
00:12:48Did you come?
00:12:49Come on, you two honeymooners, open up.
00:12:51You're standing in the path of the working man.
00:12:57Holy shit.
00:12:59Stay cool, Jimmy.
00:13:08We could hear you.
00:13:09No need to be brand like a mule.
00:13:12You just caught me and Nikki here in the middle of some real important business.
00:13:16Ain't that right, baby?
00:13:18That's right, business.
00:13:19Real important business.
00:13:20So I guess you'll just have to come back some other time.
00:13:24All righty, let's go.
00:13:25Wait a second, Kato.
00:13:27So you, uh, you're asking us to reschedule?
00:13:30She ain't asking you nothing, spray boy.
00:13:34I'm telling you.
00:13:39Now pick up your fucking bug cans and get out!
00:13:45Come here.
00:13:48Mommy.
00:14:00Holy shit.
00:14:01Holy shit.
00:14:02Holy shit is when some pissed off waitress spills coffee on your lap because you're acting like a son of
00:14:06a bitch, okay?
00:14:07Watching two inbred, gun-toting psychos try to fill you with lead because you're trying to rectify an ant problem?
00:14:13That's not holy shit, my friend.
00:14:15That's not even holy fucking shit.
00:14:17You know what that is?
00:14:18That is a miracle.
00:14:21A miracle?
00:14:22That's right, I said a miracle.
00:14:24We could have been killed up there, motherfucker.
00:14:26But you know what, Jimmy?
00:14:31I've had it.
00:14:32That's right, I've had it.
00:14:33No more bug-hunting door-to-door candy-gram bullshit for me.
00:14:37And you can tell Montello that shit, too.
00:14:39From now on, he can exterminate his own fucking roaches.
00:14:42Come on, Julius.
00:14:44Exterminating's all you know.
00:14:45What are you gonna do, walk the earth?
00:14:46Hey, man, I said fuck that shit.
00:14:49I'm going to find my own way.
00:14:50Maybe I'll start my own exterminating business or something.
00:14:53And I'm going to exterminate anybody who can get in my fucking way.
00:14:58Your dim-witted ass out the goddamn way.
00:15:17I had that nightmare again, Valerie.
00:15:20Me too, Nicky.
00:15:22The one where Bonnie Franklin had her own TV show again.
00:15:26Oh, no.
00:15:28The other one.
00:15:29Where we're forced to watch that unwatchable movie about our truly fantastic lives.
00:15:34Natural blonde killers.
00:15:36Damn that Gulliver Stone for making that convoluted film.
00:15:40Do I look like a blonde to you, baby?
00:15:42No, you don't, sweetness.
00:15:43You're just a guy in a bad bald cap and my hair's a black and stringy white trash mess.
00:15:49We were well on our way to becoming the most infamous homicidical maniacs this country's ever seen.
00:15:55And now look at us wallowing in obscurity as a couple of ridiculous tag team wrestlers.
00:16:00Well, we're going to change all that tonight, sweetness.
00:16:04The Michigan Valley of Old are about to weave their most intoxicating spell over all of America.
00:16:11Once we double-cross Montel and, um, win this match, we'll have enough, um, money to stage the most violent
00:16:19and memorable comeback in serial-killing history.
00:16:23And then we get Gulliver Stone.
00:16:28No, you don't.
00:16:30None of that took too much acid.
00:16:32Who shot Jeff?
00:16:32Let's do mushrooms with Jim Morrison shit with us.
00:16:35Not this time.
00:16:37Come on.
00:16:38You want to make a film about us?
00:16:40Then you got to do like we do.
00:16:43Just point and shoot.
00:16:48You got that?
00:16:54Well, all right.
00:16:58Oh, I love you, Nicky.
00:17:01I love you, Valerie.
00:17:09Hey, yo.
00:17:10Break it up.
00:17:11Break it up.
00:17:12Well, well, well.
00:17:15Tweedledum and Tweedledumma.
00:17:17You two finished slobbering all over each other?
00:17:19Now, listen up.
00:17:21It's showtime.
00:17:23No more funny stuff.
00:17:25You go down inside of ten minutes, or I'll have the two of you roasting over an open fire like
00:17:29two fucking chestnuts faster than you can say Nat King Cole.
00:17:32That gabish?
00:17:34You asked?
00:17:35You get it?
00:17:37Then say it.
00:17:39Hmm?
00:17:40Hmm?
00:17:40Repeat what I just said.
00:17:42Oh.
00:17:44You two fucking chestnuts are gonna fucking be roasted.
00:17:48All right, all right.
00:17:49Forget it.
00:17:51Just go down in the first ten minutes.
00:17:58That was quite a charm on Montella's bracelet.
00:18:01Are you thinking what I'm thinking, sweetness?
00:18:05How about Pamela Anderson on that surfboard?
00:18:07No.
00:18:07No, Nicky!
00:18:10I'm thinking that we snatched that briefcase on our way out of here, and then we could add a little
00:18:17insult to, um, injury.
00:18:21I love the way you think, baby.
00:18:24Let's do it.
00:18:28Dad, you think I'm sexy?
00:18:31Huh?
00:18:37You had ants, Candy.
00:18:39You had fleas in every fucking room in your house.
00:18:42Remember, you called me up, crying, saying, Montello, please, please take the vermin away.
00:18:48And my boys came, and you couldn't pay your extermination bill.
00:18:52So, I opened up my heart, allowing you to come into this dank and moldy room every night and take
00:19:01off all your clothes in front of drunken, lowlife, pathetic, scumbag strangers, so you could afford to pay me back.
00:19:10But that was four years ago.
00:19:12Montello, I have paid you back for that friggin' extermination.
00:19:16Did the ants ever come back, Candy?
00:19:24No. No, because I did my job, and you don't leave here until you finish yours.
00:19:41Bonjour, Rhonda.
00:19:43Jimmy!
00:19:45They let you back in the country?
00:19:47Good move.
00:19:48Say, Rhonda, you want to hear what they call a bartender in Albania?
00:19:52No.
00:19:53Are you sure? It's kind of wacky.
00:19:55Keep it in your pants, Sundance.
00:20:00So is the, uh, big guy around?
00:20:02He's over there, talking to one of the strippers.
00:20:06Now, all this money might seem unfair, but if it's any consolation to you, I just took it up the
00:20:12butt myself.
00:20:13A couple of whacked-out wrestlers double-crossed me and made off with a very valuable briefcase.
00:20:18So, we feel good about this.
00:20:23Say it.
00:20:25We feel good about this.
00:20:27Like you mean it.
00:20:30We feel good about this.
00:20:33Good.
00:20:35Now say it like you're underwater.
00:20:38What?
00:20:39Say it.
00:20:43We feel good about this.
00:20:46Hey, Jimmy.
00:20:47I hear you're taking Mimi out to break some bread.
00:20:51Yeah, well, uh, Montella wants me to spend the afternoon with her.
00:20:54Whatever you do, don't let her eat Mexican.
00:20:58Mexican?
00:20:58Yeah, you know, tacos, frajitas, anchiladas.
00:21:02Why not?
00:21:04Because that's when all the trouble starts.
00:21:06Trouble?
00:21:07Yeah.
00:21:08You didn't hear about Tony Quackatone?
00:21:10Well, I heard some things.
00:21:12All I know is Mimi sends Tony out for some chimichangas, right?
00:21:16The next thing you know, he's packed tighter than a Japanese subway at rush hour.
00:21:22Hey, Jimmy.
00:21:24You want to know what they call a burrito over at Montella's house?
00:21:29What?
00:21:30Hey, don't, stupid.
00:21:31Haven't you been listening?
00:21:33No.
00:21:34Mexican.
00:21:36Putz.
00:21:39You strippers will do anything for a buck.
00:21:42Come on, now get out of here before I wet my pants.
00:21:45Come on, squeeze in, yeah.
00:21:48Nice, Tim.
00:21:49Hey, hey, there he is.
00:21:51Jimmy Nova.
00:21:52Mr. Eurotrash himself.
00:21:54Hey, you kill any bugs for me this morning?
00:21:58Back on the job.
00:21:59Attaboy.
00:22:00I can see traveling around the world, you haven't lost your touch.
00:22:03Want to hear what they call a cockroach in Botswana?
00:22:07Now, why the fuck would anybody want to know that?
00:22:10Now, look, this afternoon, I'm sending you out on your most important job yet.
00:22:14Now, you know my Mimi means the world to me.
00:22:17And if anything should happen to my sweet, plump, adorable little Mimi, I couldn't be held accountable for my actions.
00:22:25I hear you.
00:22:27Good.
00:22:28So, we feel good about this.
00:22:33Say it.
00:22:35We feel good about this.
00:22:38Good.
00:22:39Now, say it like there was a hot poker up your ass.
00:22:54Jimmy.
00:22:56I'm slipping into something more comfortable.
00:23:00The door's unlocked.
00:23:01Come on in and make yourself your home.
00:23:05Mimi.
00:23:07Mimi.
00:23:07Mimi.
00:23:10Mimi.
00:23:11Mimi.
00:23:23I'm prospering over.
00:23:26Mimi.
00:23:58Hey, turn it down, will ya?
00:24:03There. Is that better, cowboy?
00:24:06Yeah, it's much better. Hey, where the hell are ya?
00:24:09I'm gonna be another minute putting on my face.
00:24:12Why don't you take off your jacket and stay a while, Tex?
00:24:15All right. Say, uh, are you using a little cowpokes room?
00:24:22What?
00:24:23I need to lead my horse to water.
00:24:27What are you talking about?
00:24:28I gotta take a leak, all right?
00:24:30Oh, knock yourself out.
00:24:33Just remember, all employees must wash their hands before returning to work.
00:24:39That means you, partner.
00:24:42Which way?
00:24:43Right behind you. First door on your right.
00:24:47Hurry back so we can mamba.
00:25:20Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:25:38Now, what did Daddy's little hitman bring Mimi for being so good?
00:25:48Bingo.
00:25:51Oh, my God!
00:25:53Mimi! No!
00:25:57Bring it up.
00:25:59Come on.
00:26:00Come on.
00:26:03God, buy me a drink first.
00:26:06You just swallowed that holy claire.
00:26:08Relax. I'll buy you another.
00:26:10No, you understand. It's...
00:26:12Stale? I know.
00:26:14But I had to have something.
00:26:15I have this little blood sugar problem.
00:26:19Didn't Montello tell you?
00:26:24So, how do I look?
00:26:27Uh, nice.
00:26:33Really nice?
00:26:38To keep our little date from becoming a complete snore,
00:26:41we have to make a little pit stop first.
00:26:43I hope you brought some protection.
00:26:45Protection?
00:26:46I have to pick something up in Van Nuys.
00:26:47How do you expect to protect me if you didn't bring a little beach, Starsky?
00:26:53Hey, let's go.
00:26:54Let's go.
00:26:55Let's drive us.
00:26:56This has been the worst montage.
00:26:57Let's drive us.
00:27:27Pick me up.
00:27:28Mimi, you minx.
00:27:30Where the dickens have you been?
00:27:32Mimi, your new hairdo is just so much fun.
00:27:34Show it to Les.
00:27:35Les, honey, isn't Mimi's hair just F-U-M?
00:27:37W-O-W.
00:27:39Wow.
00:27:42Who's your friend?
00:27:44Oh, this is Jimmy Nova.
00:27:45He's my escort for the afternoon.
00:27:47He works for Montello.
00:27:51Bang, bang.
00:27:52Huh, Jimmy?
00:27:53Wild.
00:27:53It's your money or your wife, huh?
00:27:55It's not what you think.
00:27:56I'm just an exterminator.
00:27:57I bet you're just murder with that magnum weapon of yours, aren't you?
00:28:01Scam.
00:28:02Ooh.
00:28:04Bang, bang.
00:28:05Oh, right through the heart.
00:28:07Ah.
00:28:08Ah.
00:28:10Well, you two didn't just come all the way over here just to stand by a lava lamp.
00:28:15Mimi, wait till you see the shipment that Les just got in.
00:28:18It's some incredible stuff.
00:28:21Show me.
00:28:21This way to the beanbag.
00:28:30You are going to love this stuff.
00:28:35Jesus, Mimi.
00:28:37This is Topolo from Columbia.
00:28:39Very rich.
00:28:41This is Choco.
00:28:43Bitter, but equally as good.
00:28:45And this is Bosco from the Black Forest of Germany.
00:28:57Now, these two are the same, 45 an ounce.
00:29:02These are friend prices.
00:29:05This one, this one's 75.
00:29:09$75?
00:29:11Is it worth it?
00:29:12Mimi, this Bosco is wild.
00:29:14It's crazy with a K.
00:29:17Okay.
00:29:18I'll take $500 worth.
00:29:21Hold on a second there, Mimi.
00:29:23Look, what you do on your own time, that's your business.
00:29:26But today you're with me and I'm not driving around with a shitload of hashish.
00:29:30Are you insane, Columbo?
00:29:32It's not hashish.
00:29:33It's chocolate.
00:29:35It's black market fudge, Jimmy.
00:29:37Did he say hash?
00:29:39Jimmy, this is the valley.
00:29:42Mind if I spark some up right here?
00:29:46Please do.
00:29:47Our casa is your casa.
00:29:50Um, I can't get it open.
00:29:52Oh, they double-seam like that for customs.
00:29:54Here, help me out with this, Samson.
00:29:57I'll get an A.
00:29:58I can't get it.
00:29:59Do you have any cookies?
00:30:01Oh, Slippers, give it for me.
00:30:02Okay, I need some sugar.
00:30:04Please, I'm feeling a little...
00:30:07God, Mimi.
00:30:08Oh, my God, I've killed her.
00:30:10She ate my eclair.
00:30:12Believe me, it would take a lot more than a donut to kill Mimi.
00:30:14It's her blood sugar.
00:30:15She's in shock.
00:30:16Oh, you're right.
00:30:17She told us this was going to happen.
00:30:18Les, honey, grab some orange juice from the fridge.
00:30:20Jimmy, check her bag for some dextrose.
00:30:22We're going to have to give her a shot.
00:30:23Is this it?
00:30:24Yes.
00:30:24Now, just roll her over while I figure out how to read this.
00:30:27Oh, my God.
00:30:28My dough's going to kill me.
00:30:29We're all going to concentrate.
00:30:30I'm going to have to make some French.
00:30:32Honey, please, lamb chop.
00:30:33Just get her something sweet.
00:30:34Anything with cubes.
00:30:35Just hang in there, Mimi.
00:30:36Jimmy's not going to let you die.
00:30:37What do I do?
00:30:38Uh, locate and expose the upper forward quadrant of either gluteus maximus.
00:30:42What the fuck does that mean?
00:30:43Show us her butt.
00:30:45Thanks, Pookie.
00:30:47She's got a tattoo.
00:30:49Oh, that?
00:30:50It's actually a little map, see?
00:30:52It points away to the nearest burger world.
00:30:55Now what?
00:30:56Indicate intended point of penetration by marking the area with a large X.
00:31:00Mark it with what?
00:31:01What are you doing?
00:31:03Pink on purpose.
00:31:04Here, use this.
00:31:05Here?
00:31:05No, here.
00:31:06I believe they meant here.
00:31:08Oh, silly.
00:31:09The upper quadrant is right here.
00:31:10No, I'm positive.
00:31:11It's here.
00:31:12Get out of the way.
00:31:13Oh, ow.
00:31:24Mimi, say something.
00:31:29I need a cookie.
00:31:31Now!
00:31:36God!
00:31:42The least you could have done was rent a decent car.
00:31:45The least you could do is say thank you.
00:31:47Oh, for what?
00:31:48Slamming a needle halfway up my ass?
00:31:50You hit me in my eye!
00:31:52And you didn't even grab my fucking chocolate!
00:31:55That's it.
00:31:55I'm taking you home.
00:31:56No, this is my afternoon and you have to do what I want.
00:31:59You wouldn't want me to tell Montello that you've deprived me of food and nearly forces me to wipe into
00:32:03a coma, would you?
00:32:05What is this place?
00:32:06It's the Independent Cafe.
00:32:07Isn't it great?
00:32:09All the waiters and waitresses dress like characters from your favorite independent movies.
00:32:12Fantastic.
00:32:13You!
00:32:14You!
00:32:15Can't eat a bucket of fuck!
00:32:18Bitch.
00:32:20Hello.
00:32:21I'm Priscilla, Queen of the Desserts.
00:32:23Oh!
00:32:25I'll be your waitress this afternoon.
00:32:27Tables at two?
00:32:28Well, we'd like a private table so we can tell secrets.
00:32:31I understand.
00:32:32Walk this way.
00:32:35What the fuck you got here?
00:32:37Sorry about the mess.
00:32:38We had a little incident this afternoon in the piano section.
00:32:42He had a gun and he had jerry-curved.
00:32:44Come, come, come.
00:32:46Wow, that body looks real.
00:32:49Cool.
00:32:54What's this?
00:32:55Oh, that's movie karaoke.
00:32:57While you wait for your food, you can participate in scenes from your favorite movie.
00:33:01Charlie!
00:33:02They took my fucking cup, Charlie.
00:33:06Sound of music.
00:33:07Watch your backs.
00:33:09Back up, cracker.
00:33:10Coffee coming through for the man.
00:33:12Do the right thing, Mookie.
00:33:15Get the fuck out of my way before I take your fucking ears.
00:33:18Boy, I'll tell you, you know, I had this tuna fish salad sandwich up my ass for two years.
00:33:25Enjoy.
00:33:27She's not retarded.
00:33:28She's deaf.
00:33:32She's just refusing to talk.
00:33:34What did the guy look like?
00:33:35Jesus Christ.
00:33:37Be careful of the corpse.
00:33:39It's slippery when wet.
00:33:40I asked, I asked, I asked, and I had a fight against no head.
00:33:48Mia Farrow and Moe Howard.
00:33:50He was the hottest stooge.
00:33:53So cruel.
00:33:55Today's specials are listed on the back.
00:33:59Oh, what's a crying game appetizer?
00:34:02Well, we tell you it's an absolutely fabulous assortment of raw fish.
00:34:06Then we bring you a hot dog instead.
00:34:08Oh.
00:34:08And the water roll platter?
00:34:10That's just a cheese sandwich, but it costs $270.
00:34:15You go ahead, Jimmy.
00:34:16I just can't decide.
00:34:18All right.
00:34:19I'll just have the Woody Allen with an extra pickle.
00:34:22Sorry, sir.
00:34:23That's our children's menu.
00:34:24You have to be underage to get the Woody.
00:34:27Oh.
00:34:28I'll have the El Mariachi.
00:34:32What's that?
00:34:33That's our cheapest dish.
00:34:34For about $0.99, you get two tacos, a tostada, a fajita, a burrito, an enchilada, chili ralegos.
00:34:41No, no, thanks.
00:34:42That's okay.
00:34:43No.
00:34:44We'll just have two hamburgers and some fries and a couple of Cokes.
00:34:47How original.
00:34:48I wanted the El Mariachi.
00:34:49Yeah, and I don't want any more trouble.
00:34:53No, sir.
00:34:54No, sir.
00:35:13Don't you hate that?
00:35:15What?
00:35:16Those uncomfortable silences that occur when two alluring strangers are thrown together by fate
00:35:21and their pheromones do all the talking.
00:35:24Pheromones?
00:35:25You know, those imperceptible scents that animals give off to attract a mate.
00:35:34Are you saying I smell?
00:35:37I'm saying that maybe one of us should think of something to talk about before our more
00:35:42natural instincts take up.
00:35:47So, I hear you used a strip.
00:35:51Strip?
00:35:52Who told you that?
00:35:53I was just going around.
00:35:54I heard Montello, I believe, mentioned.
00:35:56My husband used the word strip?
00:35:58Well, not necessarily.
00:35:59I believe what he said was...
00:36:01Because I did not strip, okay?
00:36:02I was an exotic dancer.
00:36:04There is a big difference.
00:36:05Naturally, there is.
00:36:06Maybe you heard of me?
00:36:07Sherry Lee?
00:36:09Sherry Lee?
00:36:10That was my stage name.
00:36:11Like the cookies and the cakes.
00:36:14Everybody doesn't like something.
00:36:17But nobody didn't like Sherry Lee.
00:36:20Jellybean.
00:36:25Now, I'm going to go powder my nose.
00:36:28And when I come back, I want you to think of a secret to tell me.
00:36:38Hello.
00:36:39Is this thing on?
00:36:40Hello?
00:36:42I had this monitor up my ass for two years.
00:36:45I had this gun up my ass for two years.
00:36:50And I liked it.
00:36:57We're going to pose as nuns whose station wagon breaks down in front of the club.
00:37:02Montello doesn't leave for the bank until around two.
00:37:04So at 1.30, they should give us plenty of time.
00:37:07I'm going to smack them in the head with this.
00:37:09You're going to grab the cash and hide it in this.
00:37:11And we're going to be out of there for good.
00:37:14No more pasties and no more freaking Montello.
00:37:17No names, no worries.
00:37:19If you have to talk, you call me Sister Mary.
00:37:22Sister Sister.
00:37:24Sister Sledge.
00:37:26Sister Ruth.
00:37:27And Sister Betrill.
00:37:31Why do I have to be Sister Betrill?
00:37:33Because I'm the one handing out the names.
00:37:36Sister Betrill was played by Sally Fields.
00:37:38I don't like Sally Fields.
00:37:39I liked her in Smokey and the Bandit.
00:37:40Yeah, well, she was very good in Places in the Heart.
00:37:42Yep, she won a freaking Oscar.
00:37:44She made a great psycho in Sybil.
00:37:45My mother, my daughter, my mother, my daughter.
00:37:46She was way over the top in Soapditch.
00:37:48Wait, now, wasn't she a nun in Gidget?
00:37:49No, she was identical cousins in Gidget.
00:37:51No, that was Patty Hearst.
00:37:53No, it was Patty Duke.
00:37:54God, I was quiet.
00:37:56I don't want to be Sister Betrill.
00:38:00I'll be Betrill, great.
00:38:02No, there's no switching names.
00:38:04Your Sister Betrill, or you're out of here.
00:38:07Well, that makes me the freaking fucking flying nun.
00:38:10Deal with it.
00:38:11What's with the nuns?
00:38:13Some sort of religious jamboree.
00:38:17Perhaps they're rethinking that ninja motif.
00:38:20Hey, Liz Taylor.
00:38:23You mind?
00:38:24This is a private meeting.
00:38:26Oh.
00:38:27Sorry, Sister.
00:38:30Fucking penguins.
00:38:33And a Wilson twin.
00:38:38Hey, are you okay?
00:38:40Much better, thank you.
00:38:42I don't know what's taking our food so long.
00:38:44It should have been here.
00:38:45Here, have a breadstick.
00:38:46Would you relax?
00:38:47I'm fine.
00:38:49Well, ten minutes ago, you were threatening to lapse into a coma.
00:38:51Well, that was ten minutes ago.
00:38:53Now I want to do something fun.
00:38:56Fun?
00:38:56Yeah.
00:38:57I want to dance.
00:39:01Hey, I think that's a good idea.
00:39:03I believe, Montello, my husband, your boss, told you to let me do whatever I want.
00:39:07Well, now I want to dance.
00:39:09Well, I don't really think this is the time.
00:39:11Or shall we tell my husband that you had me go into insulin shock so you could throw my dress
00:39:15over my head and play tic-tac-toe on my ass?
00:39:18Huh?
00:39:21Maybe in a minute, then he's got a union card and he's practicing hard to play the guitar.
00:39:29Gonna be a big star.
00:39:31Yeah, he's gonna go far.
00:39:32And Carrie Moondee's home in a jar.
00:39:35He ordered Chet's guitar core.
00:39:37C-O-D makes A and E and he's working on B and D.
00:39:41C and W and R and B and me and a chimpanzee agree that one day soon he'll be a
00:39:47celebrity.
00:39:48Get it, get it, get it, get it out!
00:39:50Guitar zan!
00:39:52He's a guitar man!
00:39:55He's all you can stand!
00:39:56Give him a hand!
00:39:58Guitar zan!
00:40:03Help me down!
00:40:04Help me down!
00:40:12I can't believe they asked us to leave.
00:40:15I hope you didn't tip.
00:40:17People were complaining.
00:40:19Must have been the stupid nuns.
00:40:21Look, uh, maybe we should just call it a day.
00:40:24Well, we haven't even had lunch yet.
00:40:26Oh, look, look, you just passed Burrito Barn.
00:40:29Oh.
00:40:29Look, look, God, don't you have any food over at your place?
00:40:31Oh, and look, there's Taco Hut.
00:40:33They have these chimichangas.
00:40:35They're these little peanut-shaped pastries.
00:40:37Oh, God, just thinking about them gets me down.
00:40:40Maybe we can zip on over to your house and I can make a tuna sandwich.
00:40:44I want some gum.
00:40:45Huh?
00:40:45I said pull over so I can buy some gum!
00:40:48You're beautiful!
00:40:56What are you fucking nuts?
00:40:57Now, you wait here and I'll be out in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
00:41:01And they shake their tails real fast.
00:41:03No!
00:41:06Toodle.
00:41:07Two minutes!
00:41:08Two minutes and I'm going!
00:41:13Turn-offs include cruelty to animal and vain people.
00:41:16That makeup she's wearing, I'm sure, is tested on lab rats.
00:41:19That shaved muff, it's the ultimate form of vanity.
00:41:22Hey, clerks!
00:41:33Bigger budget.
00:41:45Bigger budget.
00:41:49Oh, my God!
00:41:51It's Taco Tuesday!
00:41:56Baby!
00:42:01No!
00:42:10Hola, Jimmy.
00:42:14Baby, your hair, you look...
00:42:17Oh, Lord.
00:42:18Mimi tiene hambre para hambre.
00:42:30Mimi!
00:42:34No más!
00:42:40No!
00:42:41No!
00:42:44No!
00:42:47No!
00:43:01Jesus Christ, Mimi! What the hell'd you do that for?
00:43:05I hate that song.
00:43:09And I hate a bloody Quakey Mart.
00:43:12Look at this place.
00:43:13You know how much bleach I'm gonna have to use to clean up this mess, you stupid American pig!
00:43:20I'll drop the gun, Mr. Bouffalewbill.
00:43:23Before I blast you and Calamity Jane here so far into next week, you'll have to time travel just to
00:43:28take a dump.
00:43:36Coming into my store and waving your big gun around like you were walking past the White House.
00:43:45Nobody shoots nobody in this Quakey Mart except for Jean-Claude Ennumi.
00:43:50You try to steal something, I shoot you.
00:43:54You read my magazines, I shoot you.
00:43:56You make a mess at the Lotto station using all my phone, breaking all my pens, I shit you!
00:44:05But that is me. Jean-Claude Ennumi. I do all the shooting.
00:44:11And now...
00:44:15I'mma shoot you.
00:44:19Unless...
00:44:20Hmm?
00:44:20You wanted to buy something first.
00:44:22I got it.
00:44:22I want to.
00:44:24Oh, merde!
00:44:25I forgot to flip the sign!
00:44:28Mr. Gork, can we go?
00:44:29What?
00:44:31Miss Killing will have to wait.
00:44:39What?
00:44:40You think I am some stupid American pig?
00:44:43Who's gonna leave you here all by yourselves so you could wiggle your way free and drink on my Yahoo?
00:44:56I'm going to get the gimp.
00:45:00Gimp!
00:45:02You call it!
00:45:04Hey!
00:45:05Hey!
00:45:06Get out of here!
00:45:18Salons, les salons d'Américaines!
00:45:20Heal!
00:45:22Heal!
00:45:23Heal!
00:45:26Heal!
00:45:26Heal!
00:45:26Heal!
00:45:27Heal!
00:45:28Sit, sit, rollin' over, rollin' over!
00:45:33Good girl!
00:45:40Stay, stay!
00:45:43This one, I'm terrible.
00:45:46Boot of fleas, oh la la.
00:45:49I tried everything, the deep, the spray, the color.
00:45:52Boot still, I'm scratchy.
00:45:53Hey, who do you have to fuck around here to get a slushie?
00:45:56I'll be right there!
00:45:59Customers.
00:46:02Jesus.
00:46:04Okay, Gimp, time to wash the prisoners
00:46:07while Jean-Claude overcharges some American pig for a soda.
00:46:16Neil need pig, chickpea.
00:46:21Hey.
00:46:21Hey.
00:46:25Neil, what?
00:46:27Prina, in God ain't let Neil free,
00:46:31that day in a wind.
00:46:34Day in a wind.
00:46:36Day in a wind.
00:46:38Day in a wind.
00:46:38That's right.
00:46:39Blah, blah, blah.
00:46:40Now you keep talking like that
00:46:42until you make the freakin' earth bleed.
00:46:46And if that doesn't kill you,
00:46:48I'll be back to do the job myself.
00:46:50Hello?
00:46:51All right, all right, I'm coming!
00:46:59Neil, God, Neil, God ain't.
00:47:02But Neil no like that.
00:47:05They'll eat, do it.
00:47:07No let Neil.
00:47:08Day in a wind.
00:47:10Day in a wind.
00:47:13Day in a wind.
00:47:16Day in a wind.
00:47:16Me make sure little chickpea free,
00:47:18ta-ta in a wind.
00:47:20Oh!
00:47:22Bye-la, don't let Neil.
00:47:26Bye-la, don't let Neil.
00:47:28Bye-la, don't let Neil.
00:47:29How bye-la, don't let Neil.
00:47:32Me ma wa al cow how from the south.
00:47:34Me o-one in my fam to turn up.
00:47:37Neil, me frey, don't tell Neil.
00:47:43Then untie me and my frey hand,
00:47:46and B-lay can help now.
00:47:47E-da-ha-nail, e-da-ha-nail.
00:47:54B-lay show now, pitcher Lee Sneeze wiki.
00:47:57Lee Sneeze wiki.
00:47:58Lee Sneeze wiki.
00:47:58Ta-ta big.
00:48:00Ta-ta big.
00:48:03Okay.
00:48:05Okay.
00:48:08Have a nice day now!
00:48:10You stupid American pig!
00:48:12Hey!
00:48:14Peppy Le Pew!
00:48:15How about a little Coco bang?
00:48:17Hmm.
00:48:20That's just great!
00:48:22Hey!
00:48:23The hell is that?
00:48:24You must have set the alarm off.
00:48:25May help me.
00:48:27They don't take me.
00:48:28Let's get out of here.
00:48:29Yeah, let's go out the back.
00:48:29Yeah, what about the gimp?
00:48:32Ta-ta new ween, little chickpea.
00:48:35Ta-ta new ween.
00:48:37What a moron.
00:48:42Watch out!
00:48:42Holy shit!
00:48:44That's a fucking car!
00:48:46All right, out!
00:48:47Maybe.
00:48:47Drive!
00:48:49All right, let's go!
00:48:50Out of the car, Julie Andrews!
00:48:52Watch it, I'm a fucking nun!
00:48:56Holy fuck!
00:48:57You're Montel's wife!
00:48:58Fight me, Ann-Margaret!
00:49:04William, this is my boyfriend's car!
00:49:07Oh, yeah?
00:49:08Well, I got a message for your fucking boyfriend.
00:49:14What the fuck are you doing?!
00:49:16Just drive!
00:49:17Hey, what about us?
00:49:23Oh, sweet Jesus!
00:49:25Hang on!
00:49:29I don't believe it!
00:49:31You just shot a nun!
00:49:32She wasn't a nun, she said she had a boyfriend.
00:49:35Yeah?
00:49:35Well, maybe she meant God was her boyfriend, ever think of that?
00:49:38What?
00:49:38Did you ever have been married to the church?
00:49:41Oh, and they were just going steady?
00:49:42Please.
00:49:44What's the difference between Purgatory and Limbo, huh?
00:49:47Huh?
00:49:51What are you doing?
00:49:52See?
00:49:52They don't know.
00:49:53They're not nuns.
00:49:54Yeah, what is the difference between Purgatory and Limbo?
00:49:57Well, Purgatory is like mini-hell, and Limbo is like...
00:50:02Christ!
00:50:03Well, if I was a fucking nun, I'd know!
00:50:06Right, sisters?
00:50:08Christ!
00:50:09Christ!
00:50:10Christ!
00:50:12Christ!
00:50:14Christ!
00:50:15Christ!
00:50:15Christ!
00:50:16Christ!
00:50:16Christ!
00:50:17Christ!
00:50:20Did you kill any of them?
00:50:22No.
00:50:23But I got their penguin.
00:50:25I know.
00:50:25The beak is sticking me in the neck.
00:50:27Do I have anything on me?
00:50:33No.
00:50:33You look great.
00:50:38That's it.
00:50:38You're cool.
00:50:39You're gonna be just fine.
00:50:41Stupid cow just shut me in the stomach.
00:50:43I am not cool.
00:50:44I'm gonna fucking die.
00:50:45You're not gonna die.
00:50:46Shit!
00:50:47You slipped on my own intestine.
00:50:48You're gonna get me twice.
00:50:50Oh!
00:50:50I'm taking you to the rendezvous point.
00:50:52No!
00:50:52Yes!
00:50:53Yes, Sabrina!
00:50:54I'm losing life.
00:50:56I'm gonna die.
00:50:56I'm gonna fucking die!
00:50:58Ah!
00:51:01And now I just lost the lens.
00:51:02Great!
00:51:03Is it bleeding to death wasn't enough?
00:51:04Now I lose a fucking contact lens!
00:51:06I'm not gonna see the light.
00:51:08The tunnel of the light.
00:51:09I'm gonna go right past the light.
00:51:10And go straight to hell!
00:51:12Enough!
00:51:13You're not gonna die, okay?
00:51:14You're bleeding now.
00:51:15But everything is gonna be fine.
00:51:17Now come on!
00:51:18Ow!
00:51:19Great!
00:51:20You just broke a nail!
00:51:43Here we come, walking down the street.
00:51:48We get the funniest looks from everyone we meet.
00:51:54Hey, hey, we're the monkeys.
00:51:56And people say we monkey around.
00:51:58But we're too busy singing.
00:52:01To put anybody down.
00:52:06Who's the best?
00:52:07You're the toughest, yeah?
00:52:09You're the toughest!
00:52:10You're the toughest!
00:52:10Ow!
00:52:13Don't turn your fucking going, you stupid prick!
00:52:15Ow!
00:52:16Sorry, sisters.
00:52:19I'm tired.
00:52:21I believe I will stop running.
00:52:30Everything's gonna be fine.
00:52:31Bye!
00:52:32Great!
00:52:32Now the fucking cops are after us!
00:52:35What do you mean?
00:52:36What happened?
00:52:36What happened?
00:52:37That fat chick with the magnum and the Cleopatra hairdo started taking punch on them up!
00:52:42What?!
00:52:42Holy shit!
00:52:43I threw that fucking penguin right out of my hands!
00:52:45I think she got a piece of my ear!
00:52:47What happened to the car?
00:52:48Fuck the car!
00:52:49What about these outfits, huh?
00:52:51I got powder burns on my windfall and you both got blood all over yours!
00:52:55Relax!
00:52:55I swiped these fucking habits from the dressing room at my kids' school!
00:52:59They're doing a fucking benefit tonight at eight!
00:53:02And you can't do a production of The Sound of Music without fucking habits!
00:53:06Where's Frankie's car?
00:53:07Fuck Frankie!
00:53:08Fuck this whole fucking stupid plan!
00:53:11Shit!
00:53:12Fuck!
00:53:12Somebody ratted us out.
00:53:14Did you see who that was?
00:53:15That fat chick with the gun?
00:53:16Yeah.
00:53:17Yeah!
00:53:18That was Montello's wife!
00:53:20Montello's fucking gun-toting, nun-shooting wife!
00:53:22You said you had this covered.
00:53:24How'd you find out about this, huh?
00:53:25I don't know!
00:53:26I don't know!
00:53:27One of us is not a stripper.
00:53:31One of us is a lying bitch who's fucking Montello and now she's fucking all of us!
00:53:37Who you calling a bitch, you fucking who?
00:53:39You couldn't table dance your way out of a paper bag!
00:53:43Fucking mother fucker!
00:53:45Hey!
00:53:45Sister Betrayal, relax!
00:53:47She said I-
00:53:47I know what she said!
00:53:48And I said relax, put the gun away!
00:53:51I said put the gun away!
00:53:55I could win a fucking Nobel Prize for table dancing!
00:54:01Everybody's gotta keep their head!
00:54:02Now what happened to Sister Sister and Sister Sledge?
00:54:05I don't know!
00:54:06I didn't stick around to find out!
00:54:09Fucking bullshit!
00:54:11We didn't even get the fucking money!
00:54:12We'll get the fucking money!
00:54:14Candy, I feel dizzy.
00:54:16You told her your name?
00:54:19I can't believe you told her your fucking name!
00:54:21She's bleeding to death!
00:54:22What the fuck was I supposed to do?
00:54:24What happened to the plan, huh?
00:54:27No names, no worries!
00:54:29I had to improvise, okay?
00:54:31Yeah, well, your plan sucks!
00:54:34This whole nun thing was fucked to begin with!
00:54:38I don't wanna be Sister Betrayal!
00:54:40I'll be Betrayal!
00:54:41Great!
00:54:42No!
00:54:42There's no switching names!
00:54:44You're Sister Betrayal!
00:54:45Or you're outta here!
00:54:47Hey!
00:54:48Liz Taylor!
00:54:50You mind?
00:54:51This is a private meeting!
00:54:52Oh!
00:54:53Sorry sisters!
00:54:55Fucking penguins!
00:54:56Maybe she knew all along!
00:54:58Well, somebody had to tip her off!
00:55:00I think it was Sister Sledge!
00:55:03Speak of the devil!
00:55:05Who called the cops?
00:55:06We don't know!
00:55:07We think somebody's trying to fuck us up!
00:55:09Yeah, well, they're doing a good job!
00:55:11Sorry!
00:55:12I think I smell a rat!
00:55:14Sure you don't mean a bat?
00:55:16Sister Betrayal!
00:55:18Why don't you close those scrawny little legs,
00:55:20give us all a break?
00:55:20You're the one that tipped off Montel,
00:55:22you fucking bitch!
00:55:24I got a tip for you, you scrawny piece of trash!
00:55:27You best back off Ice Mocha,
00:55:28before she tears you a whole new hole
00:55:30to shake at your customers!
00:55:31Oh, yeah!
00:55:32Oh, yeah!
00:55:33Oh, yeah!
00:55:34And you should say your name, you asshole!
00:55:36You fucked up!
00:55:37You fucked up!
00:55:37You fucked up!
00:55:39Sister Sledge is cool!
00:55:41I picked her myself!
00:55:42She hates Montello more than any of us!
00:55:45How do we know it's not you, Betrayal?
00:55:48You're the one who's running around
00:55:49pointing all the fingers!
00:55:51What the fuck you talking about?
00:55:53I supplied the fucking costumes!
00:55:56Oh, yeah?
00:55:57Well, I've never seen you strip!
00:55:59I ain't even seen a pasty!
00:56:00Yeah!
00:56:01And them mosquito bites of yours
00:56:03certainly ain't the tits of an exotic dancer!
00:56:05Show us your tits!
00:56:06Yeah, bitch!
00:56:07Yeah!
00:56:08Where'd you get this one, Sister Mary?
00:56:10I didn't!
00:56:12She came to me!
00:56:15Don't you fucking fuck with me!
00:56:18It's been you who's been fucking with us all this time!
00:56:21Drop the gun, Betrayal!
00:56:23Make her drop it first!
00:56:25Sledge!
00:56:26This ain't the way!
00:56:28Back off, Candy!
00:56:29Don't pull that mother superior crap with me!
00:56:31Put it down, Sledge!
00:56:32It's for Tri...
00:56:33I know it!
00:56:36You sit the fuck out of this, Sister Ruth!
00:56:40Go ahead, you bloody bitch!
00:56:41Let me finish ya!
00:56:46Get out!
00:56:47Get out!
00:56:48Get out!
00:56:50Get out!
00:56:51Get out!
00:56:51Get out!
00:56:56You...
00:57:00We're just shut up!
00:57:01We're trying to shoot a fucking movie in here!
00:57:03the fucking script would ever get here.
00:57:07Enough with the fucking cappuccino!
00:57:23And in the world of Federation Tag Team Wrestling,
00:57:26a fatal upset last night as Nicky and Valerie Cox
00:57:28defeated and inadvertently killed the famed Tag Team Wrestling Champions,
00:57:32the brothers McMullins.
00:57:34The pair escaped and are currently being sought to answer
00:57:37to three separate charges of criminal manslaughter.
00:57:40In other news...
00:57:42Woo-hoo!
00:57:43Three's my lucky number, baby.
00:57:46Oh, Montella never knew what hit him.
00:57:49Oh.
00:57:50Oh, that's it, baby.
00:57:53Oh, yeah.
00:57:55Bring that booty over here, baby.
00:57:58Ow!
00:57:59You don't talk about your name.
00:58:00You don't fucking help me or nothing.
00:58:03So what are you saying?
00:58:04A man can't pull a piece of melted wax off a bitch's face
00:58:06without it meaning something?
00:58:07What I'm saying is Mimi's mustache is between Mimi and Montello.
00:58:11Mm-hmm.
00:58:12Now let's just suppose you and this Mimi go out to a fancy restaurant.
00:58:14All right.
00:58:15The bitch orders eggs, Florentine.
00:58:16Got it.
00:58:17She gets a piece of spinach caught on her upper lip.
00:58:18You mean to tell me you wouldn't help her?
00:58:21Spinach and pubic hair ain't the same thing.
00:58:23Man, what you talking pubic hair, man?
00:58:24This ain't no fucking pubic hair, motherfucker.
00:58:27Pulling a piece of wax off a person's face ain't shit.
00:58:29I used to shave my mother's back before they sent her off to the asylum.
00:58:32Really?
00:58:34Hey, you ever shave a guy's back?
00:58:37Does prison count?
00:58:38Outside of prison.
00:58:42Fuck you.
00:58:43Huh? Have you?
00:58:44Fuck you.
00:58:45Our star is on the rise, Nikki.
00:58:49We are surrounded by angels that are converging on this moment in time
00:58:55to help us realize our destiny.
00:58:58You're just a tree in motion, baby.
00:59:01I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as Nikki.
00:59:12Um, baby, um, you know, I can't wait till tomorrow.
00:59:18Why don't we just pack our stuff and go look for Gulliver Stone now?
00:59:23Sweet little Nikki, you're just a murdering fool, aren't you?
00:59:29All right, let's do it!
00:59:34It's Montello.
00:59:35We're gonna fucking die.
00:59:36We're gonna fucking die.
00:59:38Would you shut the fuck up?
00:59:40Get off!
00:59:41Who is it?
00:59:43Exterminators.
00:59:45Did you call the exterminator?
00:59:47Uh, well, I saw that big spider again lately.
00:59:49We're on a limb, Nikki.
00:59:51We can't have nobody snooping around in here, you stupid bitch!
00:59:54Well, what are we gonna fucking do?
00:59:55Come on, you two honeymooners.
00:59:56Get your gun.
00:59:58Let him in out of the hallway before somebody calls the fucking cops.
01:00:18We can hear you.
01:00:19No need to be braying like a mule.
01:00:22You just caught me and Nikki here in the middle of some real important business.
01:00:25Ain't that right, baby?
01:00:26That's right, baby.
01:00:28Real important business.
01:00:30So I guess you'll have to come back some other time.
01:00:34All righty, let's go.
01:00:36Wait a second, Kato.
01:00:38So you're asking us to reschedule?
01:00:40She ain't asking you nothing, spray boy.
01:00:44I'm telling you.
01:00:47Now pick up your fucking bug cans and get out!
01:00:51Does this seem familiar to anybody?
01:00:54Deja vu?
01:00:55I didn't ask you a goddamn thing!
01:00:59You are standing in the way of the working man.
01:01:02So?
01:01:02So.
01:01:03So, my ass, Uncle Fester.
01:01:05So.
01:01:06So a needle and a thread.
01:01:09Lie.
01:01:09A note to follow motherfucking so.
01:01:12T.
01:01:13The letter and the alphabet I use to describe the way I square off in your motherfucking ass.
01:01:19Which brings us back to...
01:01:21So.
01:01:22I thought it was dope.
01:01:25So?
01:01:26Get your point, bug man.
01:01:28The point is, is that me and my partner here, we represent the plight of the righteous working man.
01:01:33We are here to do our job.
01:01:36And we take orders from one person.
01:01:38Our boss, Montello.
01:01:40Oh shit, baby.
01:01:41That work for Montello?
01:01:43This is so bad.
01:01:44Well do something, baby.
01:01:46Come on.
01:01:47Give me this your hairy armpit face.
01:01:49Shoot them, Mickey.
01:01:50Shoot them.
01:02:02You're a lousy shot.
01:02:03Well, my glasses fogged up, baby.
01:02:05Grab everything!
01:02:06We are leaving now!
01:02:11Nicky, baby, where's Montello's briefcase?
01:02:16It's there.
01:02:17I don't see it.
01:02:19No, I put it on the dresser underneath your copy of Extra Chromosome Magazine.
01:02:24Well, here's the magazine, but I don't see no briefcase.
01:02:28Well, did you look for it?
01:02:29Of course I looked.
01:02:30What do you think I'm doing here?
01:02:33Are you sure you brought it?
01:02:35I'm sure.
01:02:38You don't sound sure.
01:02:41I'm pretty sure.
01:02:43Well, either you're sure or you're not.
01:02:47So which is it?
01:02:50I'm not sure.
01:02:53God damn it, Nicky!
01:02:55You are bad, bad, bad, bad, bad!
01:02:59Well, if you hadn't have made us stop for pancakes after the match...
01:03:03No! No! Don't you blame this on me!
01:03:06God!
01:03:08Wait a minute.
01:03:12Pancakes.
01:03:14I left it in the booth at the diner.
01:03:18Well, get your gun.
01:03:20We're going back.
01:03:21Well, our story's all over the news now.
01:03:26Frank, let's go back and write them another chapter.
01:03:31And that goes for every last motherfucking one of you!
01:03:37And that goes for every last motherfucking one of you!
01:03:43Get down already!
01:03:44Jesus!
01:03:47Yo, bro, it's the brown billfold.
01:03:49I know which one it is.
01:03:51Bro, how'd you know which one it was?
01:03:54Because it's the one that says, cheap motherfucker on it.
01:03:56If the shoe fits, bro.
01:04:00And don't bother coming back till you learn how to tip.
01:04:04Hello.
01:04:05I'm Priscilla.
01:04:07Queen of the desserts.
01:04:08We know we were here last night.
01:04:11Don't you ever go home, fruitball?
01:04:12I'm working a double.
01:04:14Whatever.
01:04:16Listen.
01:04:19Piehead.
01:04:20We left a briefcase.
01:04:22Never mind her, Nicky.
01:04:26I've already found it.
01:04:28Oh, well, looky here, Valerie.
01:04:30Some over-caffeinated patron of this fine dining establishment has located our briefcase for us.
01:04:35Hand over the briefcase, Java girl, before we decide to decaffeinate you.
01:04:39You two skinheads take one more step and I'll blow your fucking white trash heads off!
01:04:45You don't know who we are?
01:04:46No.
01:04:48Damn that, Gulliver Stone.
01:04:50Say your prayers, coffee breath.
01:04:52I'm gonna fill you so full of lead.
01:04:53You'll look like a number two pencil fucker!
01:04:58God damn it, Nicky.
01:04:59Oh, shit, baby.
01:05:00Look, I fucked up.
01:05:01I didn't put the bullets in the gun.
01:05:02You stupid bitch!
01:05:05Prepare to meet your maker.
01:05:07Maybe he'll know who the fuck you are.
01:05:17Holy shit, it's that spray boy.
01:05:19What the fuck's he doing with your gun, baby?
01:05:22I'm in a transitional period, thanks to both of y'all's lousy-ass aim.
01:05:26Now hand over the briefcase.
01:05:28Jesus Christ, baby!
01:05:29Oh, this is so bad!
01:05:31No, no, no, fuck it.
01:05:32I'm gonna give it to him over here.
01:05:33Don't give it to him, Nicky!
01:05:34The briefcase is ours.
01:05:36He's gonna put a bullet in Kojak's fucking ass if he don't hand over the briefcase.
01:05:39Let's go.
01:05:39Do something, baby.
01:05:41Do something.
01:05:41Don't you touch him, Bugman, or you're gonna fucking die and die and die again.
01:05:46Oh, I'm gonna wet myself.
01:05:47Tell Yule Brenner to chill.
01:05:50Tell him!
01:05:52Chill, Yule Brenner.
01:05:54Tell him to be cool.
01:05:56Tell him to be cool.
01:05:58Say it!
01:05:59Be cool, Nicky.
01:06:01I'm going number two.
01:06:02That's it, I'm just going.
01:06:03That is so gross.
01:06:06Yeah, Nicky, that's right.
01:06:07We're all gonna be like little Vinnie Barbarinos.
01:06:09And what was Vinnie Barbarino?
01:06:11Wise ass?
01:06:13Well, all of the sweat hogs were wise asses, but they all had their own distinct characteristic.
01:06:16Like Horshack, he was a nerd.
01:06:18And Boom Boom Washington, he was very suave.
01:06:21He was also in Cooley High.
01:06:22I ain't seen him in shit since.
01:06:24I know.
01:06:25What happened to him?
01:06:26I loved him.
01:06:26You're so good in that.
01:06:27You know, he did go on to do a television movie.
01:06:29He played Michael Jackson's father.
01:06:30He was very good.
01:06:31He didn't work enough.
01:06:31Hey!
01:06:32What was Vinnie Barbarino like?
01:06:35Cool?
01:06:36That's right.
01:06:36He was cool.
01:06:37So we're all gonna have to just be cool or Buffy and Jody get a couple of bullets in
01:06:41their motherfucking ass.
01:06:42Now open up the briefcase.
01:06:46We'll open it, but we own what's inside.
01:06:56It's an original.
01:06:58It's classic.
01:07:00Well, what is it?
01:07:02Oh, it's a welcome back Cotter lunchbox.
01:07:06Very rare.
01:07:07Very hard to find.
01:07:08And little yellow glowy things.
01:07:10But the box is in mint condition, and we know we could get a pretty penny for it.
01:07:15You damn right.
01:07:17There's a lot of money in that box.
01:07:19That's why we're keeping the box.
01:07:21We're keeping the box.
01:07:23Oh, you can have the box.
01:07:24You and Mr. Penishead.
01:07:25I'm just gonna help myself to what's inside of it.
01:07:30Oh.
01:07:31Oh.
01:07:32Oh, my God.
01:07:34Oh, my God.
01:07:35Like I said, there's a lot of money in that lunchbox.
01:07:38You can have that shit now.
01:07:40But let me tell you, it ain't worth a damn thing without the thermos.
01:07:44Are you flirting with me?
01:07:46Oh, shit.
01:07:48Ah!
01:07:49Oh, my God.
01:07:50Oh, my God.
01:07:52Oh, my God.
01:07:53Oh, my God.
01:07:53We gotta get out of here, Ray.
01:07:54I gotta get out of here.
01:07:57Now, with the exception of a few silverfish in the men's room, this restaurant is now vermin-free.
01:08:05Here's for the pancakes.
01:08:07If the police stop by, you just tell them that this restaurant has been exterminated.
01:08:16You can turn it up.
01:08:28Oh, my God.
01:08:31Oh, my God.
01:08:34Oh, my God.
01:08:45Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:08:49Somebody should have filmed this shit.
01:08:51Somebody should have filmed this shit.
01:08:52Somebody should have filmed this shit.
01:08:53Probably be nominated for an Oscar,
01:08:55unless of course the filmmaker was a black man.
01:08:57He was a black man.
01:08:57He was a brother.
01:08:58Then he won't be nominated for shit.
01:09:00They won't even show his tuxedo-wearing ass
01:09:02doing a telecast.
01:09:13Come on, come on, come on, Bunny!
01:09:15Answer the fucking phone!
01:09:30How'd you go on, you fucking dweeb?
01:09:34Houston, we have a problem.
01:09:38Will somebody help him with the fucking script?
01:09:41No, no, no!
01:10:08Nail free, nail got jawed.
01:10:11Now we're going to feed film.
01:10:15What'd you say?
01:10:17Nobody knows. Nobody cares.
01:10:19She works for free, makes a hell of a cappuccino.
01:10:21Nice job.
01:10:25It's for home. It's for home.
01:10:29Check it be.
01:10:31Finally, the script.
01:10:34Wait a minute.
01:10:35What the fuck?
01:10:37The script is totally fucked.
01:10:39I know, I know. I tried to put it all back together, but I couldn't.
01:10:42It's all messed up. It doesn't make any sense.
01:10:45I know. I love it.
01:10:48You do?
01:10:49Who cares what comes when? That's so mainstream.
01:10:52As long as it's bloody and violent.
01:10:56Maxwell, we're going to shoot this.
01:10:58I have another script I'm planning to drop.
01:11:07How do you feel now, Gini?
01:11:13Fabulous.
01:11:19Let's run for the border.
01:11:30I'm in the mood for some fried chicken.
01:11:32Give me the wheel. Give me the wheel.
01:11:34No, no, no.
01:11:35I'm going to hit the side.
01:11:36Damn, don't you stop me.
01:11:39Come on. Come on up.
01:11:43You, you're so insane.
01:11:49How did you come from, baby?
01:11:54How did you know I needed you?
01:11:58How did you know I needed you so badly?
01:12:02How did you know I'd give my heart gladly?
01:12:07Yesterday, I was one of the luller people.
01:12:11Now your life comes to me, making up to me.
01:12:15Give me your hand.
01:12:16No one's going to die here.
01:12:17Give me your hand. No one's going to die.
01:12:19Maybe over there someone's going to die,
01:12:21but no one's going to die here.
01:12:25All right, and she gets a piece of spinach caught on her lip.
01:12:27You mean to tell me you ain't going to help her?
01:12:29Spinach and pubic hair ain't the same thing.
01:12:31Man, what the fuck are you talking pubic hair?
01:12:33Cut it, cut it, cut it.
01:12:34Keep going for a while.
01:12:36Keep going, guys. Keep going.
01:12:38I'm out of focus now. Bring it back.
01:12:39Motherfucker, what are you talking pubic hair?
01:12:40That don't mean shit.
01:12:42Move it, move it.
01:12:43Oh, man.
01:12:44I can't even tell you something.
01:12:45Cut it, back to life.
01:12:47Oh, fuck.
01:12:47Fuck.
01:12:48Fuck.
01:12:51Did you know you're everything I prayed for?
01:12:55Did you know every night and day for?
01:12:59Every day, needing love and satisfaction.
01:13:03Now you're lying next to me, giving up to me.
01:13:07I believe in miracles.
01:13:17Here's De Niro and Frankenstein.
01:13:19Did you fuck my bride?
01:13:20Did you fuck my bride?
01:13:22I think you did.
01:13:24You've been fucking my bride.
01:13:25Ah.
01:13:27Well, you're a lousy shot.
01:13:29My glasses fogged up, baby.
01:13:31I was thinking, go ahead, hit me.
01:13:33Grab everything.
01:13:34We are leaving now.
01:13:38Shit, shit, shit, shit.
01:13:40Pumpkin, visit Sound of the Warehouse at La Bray in Washington right away.
01:13:44Okay.
01:13:45And this time...
01:13:50And this time, don't screw it up.
01:13:54Smokin'.
01:14:23I'd like to sing.
01:14:24A few songs for you.
01:14:27My rendition.
01:14:29A Christmas song.
01:14:30It brings memories.
01:14:34But our story's all over in the news.
01:14:37Good.
01:14:38Let's go back and write them.
01:14:48I'm a human being.
01:14:51Maltin' animals.
01:15:03Maltin' animals.
01:15:21You know what?
01:15:24You know how they, in the cartoons, in the commercials, they got those little shells covering their breasts?
01:15:28Right, right.
01:15:29They had nothing.
01:15:30Yeah, just those surf and turf titties hanging out in the Disney daylight.
01:15:34Get out of town, babe.
01:15:35You gotta be kidding me.
01:15:36You know they do that in Vegas.
01:15:38Just nothing up top, man.
01:15:40It's heavy.
01:15:40I can only see it with one eye, though, babe.
01:15:44Slowly, I'd pull a cream puff out of my cleavage and then I'd eat it.
01:15:50Gotta pull off my UUs.
01:15:59Two big runny handfuls of peach cobbler.
01:16:06I want you to make my home all to you.
01:16:12Cut.
01:16:13Clear.
01:16:14Keep quiet and enjoy your breakfast.
01:16:16I'm in the middle of where I am.
01:16:18Oh, yeah.
01:16:23I'm your boogie man
01:16:28I'm your boogie man
01:16:29I do what you want
01:16:30I'm your boogie man
01:16:32I'm your boogie man
01:16:37I do what you want
01:16:39I'm your boogie man
01:16:40That's what I am
01:16:43I'm gonna do
01:16:44Hello, I'm Priscilla
01:16:47Queen of the deserts, we know
01:16:49We were here last night
01:16:50Don't you ever go home, Prudy?
01:16:52I'm working a double
01:16:53Whatever
01:16:56Listen
01:16:59Pumpkin head
01:17:01Big lips
01:17:02Pie head
01:17:04Fat lips
01:17:05Pie head
01:17:08Juicy
01:17:09We had this briefcase
01:17:13Hey guys
01:17:19Stay cool
01:17:20And open up a briefcase
01:17:23We'll open it, but we
01:17:24Cut
01:17:39I don't know if you had a break
01:17:40I can't play anything
01:17:42It should work
01:17:44I can't happen
01:17:45Put that back
01:17:48can you see in the comments
01:17:48I don't believe it
01:17:50That's what I am
01:17:52I can't do it
01:17:54I can't do it
01:17:55I can't do it
01:17:55porque I can't buy anything
01:17:57Fa-la-la-la-la. La-la-la-la. I'm Jimin.
01:18:01What? Christmas.
01:18:04Excuse me. Whoa. Where are you going?
01:18:08We're leaving.
01:18:08Excuse me. You don't like my singing?
01:18:10You suck.
01:18:11Fuck you, asshole.
01:18:15Here up in a bun, your titties just hanging out?
01:18:17You better believe it.
01:18:18I love it, babe. Used to do that with Italian chicks in Vegas.
01:18:23Lost my marble over it.
01:18:25I'm your boozey man.
01:18:32I'm your boozey man.
01:18:36I'm your boozey man.
01:18:40I'm your boozey man.
01:18:41I'm your boozey man.
01:18:44Woo!
01:18:53This has been one long, mixed up, crazy out of sequence kind of day.
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