- 6 days ago
In the Army Now 1994 [Full Movie] [Watch Free Online]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:01See how I just blow those guys? Look, and there's the thing.
00:00:04Look up, look up, look up!
00:00:05No under-
00:00:06Huh?
00:00:09Game over you again!
00:00:11Shouldn't we get back to work?
00:00:12I'm working. Look, I'm testing on new products.
00:00:15What are you so paranoid for anyways? Pretty soon we're gonna have our own store.
00:00:18Look, Quinn's gonna fire your ass from this place.
00:00:21Do you think I'm scared of that?
00:00:22What is he? Looks like a lurch.
00:00:25I'm Quinn.
00:00:26Are you afraid of him? No.
00:00:28Bones!
00:00:30Quinn's looking for you.
00:00:32I told him you were playing video games.
00:00:34Here, hold this, okay? I gotta do something.
00:00:36Oh, yeah, you're not afraid, huh?
00:00:38Bop, bop, bop!
00:01:05This is all for you. See all the money I'm saving?
00:01:09Wow, Quinn, look at you. You're looking fantastic. Is that a new suit?
00:01:12It's gotta be Armando.
00:01:15Oh, it's JCPenney.
00:01:18Oh, it's JCPenney.
00:01:18Well, at least you wear it well.
00:01:19Is that brood I smell?
00:01:20What did we say about leaving the sales floor?
00:01:24You told me not to, and I won't. If this place catches fire, I'm selling tape decks to the firemen.
00:01:29You're not selling anything to anybody. That's why we're letting you go.
00:01:33Where?
00:01:33Home.
00:01:34No, no, no, Quinn. Hey, hey, you can't fire me. Come on. I'm a crazy boy. I'm a dedicated crazy
00:01:39boy.
00:01:40Bones, let's not drag this out.
00:01:41No, Quinn, hey, look. Come on, please. I mean, my rent's due. My mom, she needs another tummy tuck. Please,
00:01:47come on.
00:01:47No, Bones. No, not this time.
00:01:49Please, there's a lot of personal things. Please don't let me. Please don't let me go, Quinn. I could be
00:01:54crazier.
00:01:55Let go of my life.
00:01:56I could be totally insane.
00:02:00Bones, let go of my life.
00:02:01Bones, you have a customer waiting.
00:02:05You'll have to excuse me, Mr. Quinn. I have a customer. A customer who evidently asked for me by name.
00:02:15Hi. May I help you, miss?
00:02:16Yes. You sold me this watchman last week, and I'm afraid I have to return it.
00:02:21See, I knew you'd be returning it. It's too small to ruin your eyesight.
00:02:25And besides, I can tell the one you really want is this one.
00:02:27This is our top of the line.
00:02:29Our very best 35-inch projection stereo color monitor with advanced super digital PMP.
00:02:36I'm sorry. That's way out of my price range.
00:02:38Not with our $200 rebate. No money down. 10-month deferred, 64-month layaway plan.
00:02:43You ask yourself, how could it be? Right?
00:02:47Because we're a crazy voice.
00:02:51Sorry, they make us do that.
00:02:52That's a very nice offer, but this is just...
00:02:55Plus this screen, though, it promotes good eyesight.
00:02:58Really?
00:02:59Uh-huh. Four out of five optometrists recommend it.
00:03:03Okay. I'll take it.
00:03:06Okay. Here you go.
00:03:07Fantastic. I'm gonna take this to the cashier, and I'm gonna arrange everything.
00:03:11Thank you very much.
00:03:12Come to the front. You're needed for a carry-out.
00:03:15Huh?
00:03:17Hmm?
00:03:18Come on. Am I not still a crazy boy?
00:03:23That is brute I smell, you pervert.
00:03:30Bones!
00:03:35Come on.
00:03:42Gabriella, you were outstanding.
00:03:44Yeah, right. This is the last time I save your butt. Okay? I work, too, you know?
00:03:49I know. It was an emergency. The guy was about to fire me.
00:03:52Right. It's always an emergency. They better take that TV back.
00:03:55Hey, they're gonna take it back.
00:03:57Now, how about just giving your little Italian sausage man a little kissy-poo?
00:04:03Chad, the U.S. has issued strong warnings that...
00:04:08You are so irresponsible.
00:04:11You should be serious for one minute.
00:04:13It's okay. I'll be serious. Let's get naked.
00:04:17Not now. Not here.
00:04:19Why? Don't you love me anymore?
00:04:21Yes, yes, of course I love you.
00:04:23Yeah, but look, your boss is gonna catch us.
00:04:27I don't care about that perverted fat's on a JCPenney suit.
00:04:32Bones!
00:04:34Jack, turn it off.
00:04:35Turn it off!
00:04:47Well, I can't...
00:04:54I can't believe he actually fired us.
00:04:57Oh, come on. Bones, we blew up 22 TV sets.
00:05:00Yeah, but don't those things come with warranties?
00:05:01I'm sorry, man. You know, I didn't realize Quinn could see you in all those TVs.
00:05:05No problemo, my friend. I was sick of getting down on my knees for that guy anyways.
00:05:10Whoa. Bones. I had no idea.
00:05:13Begging for my job.
00:05:15You know what, Jack, though? This is amazing. You know what this does?
00:05:18Yeah.
00:05:19This brings us one step closer to the, uh, store.
00:05:23No, no, no. What this does is it brings us one step closer to living in the dumpster.
00:05:27How are we gonna get the rent for the store if we don't have rent for our apartment?
00:05:31Excuse me, can we play through?
00:05:33Yeah.
00:05:35Sorry, we're just...
00:05:36Disgusting.
00:05:41Oh, my God.
00:05:42Hey, Army!
00:05:44Navy!
00:05:45Air Force!
00:05:46Marines!
00:05:47No.
00:05:48Did you order a code red?
00:05:51Answer me! Did you order a code red, man?
00:05:54You want the truth. You can't handle the truth.
00:05:57Yay. He's goofing off.
00:06:00Wow, that was my Nicholson impression.
00:06:03Good.
00:06:04I do it sometimes when I play golf.
00:06:08Bones, come on, man.
00:06:09See, I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry.
00:06:11When you join the Army, is it true that you have to give your whole life away?
00:06:14Nah, something like that with us.
00:06:16We're in the reserves.
00:06:18What's that?
00:06:20Let's just get this straight here.
00:06:22After our basic training, we owe you two weeks a year, one week and a month, for which we get
00:06:26paid.
00:06:27And then on top of it, you're gonna throw in $2,500 just for signing up?
00:06:33Basically, yes.
00:06:35Wow.
00:06:36Well, then how come everybody isn't in the reserves?
00:06:39Do people actually know about this stuff?
00:06:42Well, we do try to advertise.
00:06:45Oh, yeah, it's not a job, it's an adventure.
00:06:48No, that's the Navy.
00:06:50The few and the proud?
00:06:51No, that's the Marines.
00:06:53Keep going, going, and gone?
00:06:55No, no, that's the Energizer, buddy.
00:06:58Gentlemen, we're be-all-you-can-be.
00:07:01Yeah.
00:07:02In the Army.
00:07:05You need us, and we need you.
00:07:07It's a win-win situation.
00:07:09I got one more question.
00:07:11Can I get a pen?
00:07:12Oh, no, actually, could we just have a second, uh, amongst ourselves?
00:07:16Certainly.
00:07:17Take all the time you need.
00:07:19Just hold that ballpoint.
00:07:23Whew.
00:07:25This is insane!
00:07:27Why doesn't everybody join when you're listening to him in there?
00:07:30Shh.
00:07:31It's like joining a health spa, only they pay us.
00:07:34Oh, my God, you're going nuts.
00:07:35Okay, we are the beneficiaries.
00:07:37We get a guaranteed check for eight years and a special skill.
00:07:41A special skill.
00:07:42Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:07:43Look at the payments.
00:07:44Here we go.
00:07:45Land combat missile op.
00:07:48Opportunities.
00:07:48Tactical fire specialist.
00:07:50You heard him talking about combat pay, right?
00:07:52You know, you have to be in combat to get paid for that, right?
00:07:56He said reserves aren't called up unless there's a major conflict.
00:07:59When was the last war, huh?
00:08:01Yeah.
00:08:02World War II?
00:08:02No.
00:08:03Twenty years ago.
00:08:04Have you ever heard of Vietnam?
00:08:06Huh?
00:08:06Desert storm?
00:08:08No.
00:08:08Uh-uh.
00:08:09What?
00:08:10I'm kidding.
00:08:11Give me the brochure.
00:08:12We're going to go to the unemployment office.
00:08:14No, just let me see.
00:08:15Let me just try it.
00:08:16Tank tour repair, land mining specialist, water purification?
00:08:21Water purification.
00:08:23That's it.
00:08:24What?
00:08:25Water purification.
00:08:26I'm telling you it's a snap.
00:08:27My brother's a pool man.
00:08:29Hey, look.
00:08:29You take dirty water and you make it clean.
00:08:32How hard can that be?
00:08:33I don't know.
00:08:34And hey, if there is a war, what are we going to go in there with?
00:08:37Water balloons?
00:08:40That's...
00:08:40I mean, but...
00:08:41But...
00:08:41Yeah.
00:08:42This is for our future.
00:08:44Okay.
00:08:44If we could sign up right now, we'd get a guarantee check for $2,500.
00:08:48A few times that times two.
00:08:50Wow.
00:08:53That's $6,000.
00:08:56That's a nice chunk of change.
00:08:57Yeah.
00:08:58But...
00:08:59Hey.
00:09:00This is for our storm.
00:09:03Yeah.
00:09:04Look, I'll even give you first billing.
00:09:06No, you don't have to do that.
00:09:07Jacks and bones and sp...
00:09:10Oh.
00:09:11And Alice's Stereos.
00:09:13I did too much.
00:09:13Alright.
00:09:14Alright.
00:09:14Alright, let's...
00:09:14Oh.
00:09:16Yes!
00:09:17My admitted Australian.
00:09:30My admitted a dreadful night...
00:09:36Say,
00:09:37I told myself that it was all a bad dream.
00:10:09I'm out of bed, it's a mess on today
00:10:12Get a haircut and get a real job
00:10:15Alright
00:10:29My head, I mean, look at it
00:10:32Does it look bigger than it?
00:10:35I mean, do I look like a big potato? Honestly?
00:10:38Yeah, honestly
00:10:39It looks great, it really does
00:10:41Really?
00:10:42Really
00:10:43Really?
00:10:44It looks macho
00:10:46Alright
00:10:47Look at these, man, look at these
00:10:50Army issue
00:10:51See, I think those are unique
00:10:53Idiotic
00:10:54No, those are unique
00:10:55See, you're distinctive
00:10:56No one has them
00:10:57Really?
00:10:58You're king
00:10:59Alright
00:10:59One of a kind
00:11:01They broke them all when they made you, Jack
00:11:10Come on, guys
00:11:12C'mon, go
00:11:12Come on, go
00:11:17Come on
00:11:19Come on
00:11:19Come on
00:11:19Come on
00:11:22They can do it
00:11:24Come on
00:11:25Come on
00:11:26Come on
00:11:27Come on
00:11:38Wait a minute, though. My childhood sucked.
00:11:40No, I can't do it, man.
00:11:41I can't handle being yelled at by some muscle-bound drill sergeant.
00:11:46No, man, I can't do it.
00:11:48Get the hell off the truck.
00:11:53Oh, whoa.
00:11:55She can drill me any time.
00:11:57On the double right now. Come on, move it, move it.
00:12:00Hello, sweet pants.
00:12:02Get down here. Get down here.
00:12:05Rough stuff.
00:12:06And take those glasses off.
00:12:08What do you think, you want something? Beat yourself?
00:12:10No.
00:12:10What's your name, Private?
00:12:11Phone's car. We're reporting for duty, sir.
00:12:14All right.
00:12:15I mean, man, sergeant, whatever.
00:12:18You will address me as drill sergeant.
00:12:21Don't you understand?
00:12:25Yes, but you don't need to yell, because, look, I'm standing right here.
00:12:28I'm not yelling at you, Private. Drill sergeants do not yell.
00:12:31We simply speak in a voice loud enough so everyone can hear.
00:12:34That way we all learn from each other's mistakes.
00:12:37Oh, okay. Thanks for explaining it.
00:12:40From here on out, your butt is mine.
00:12:42You will obey every order without question.
00:12:48Grunt.
00:12:51Oh, you're a funny boy, huh?
00:12:54Cutie pie, right?
00:12:55Well, I don't know you, but I don't even like you.
00:12:57And I make it my personal mission to turn you into a soldier.
00:13:01For the next eight weeks, I'll be all over your butt like white old rice.
00:13:06Is that a promise?
00:13:09Give me 20.
00:13:11I want my wallet.
00:13:13Drop and give me 20.
00:13:14I can't hold this.
00:13:15Boy, you better get on that ground and give me them push-ups.
00:13:19It's been a while.
00:13:21All the way up and down, right?
00:13:24Pump!
00:13:28Is that good?
00:13:37Get up!
00:13:39Get up!
00:13:42Everybody up!
00:13:46On your feet!
00:13:48I'm gonna crash right now!
00:13:50Sleepy, babies!
00:13:54Get up!
00:13:56Get your butt off that rack!
00:13:59Get your butt off that rack!
00:14:06Ow!
00:14:07Ow!
00:14:07Ow!
00:14:08I'm out!
00:14:09I'm out!
00:14:10I'm out!
00:14:12Next hand to the lamp!
00:14:14Next hand to the lamp!
00:14:16All right!
00:14:17Go!
00:14:22All right, everybody, I'm going to be camping champs up again in Bradfield.
00:14:25Happy day, buddy, and play, but I'll say go, go!
00:14:39Jack!
00:14:41Jack!
00:14:41What?
00:14:43Where'd the sun go?
00:14:44All right!
00:14:45There is no sun anymore, Bones.
00:14:47All right!
00:14:48The sun is gone.
00:14:49All right!
00:14:51All right!
00:14:51He died, and this is hell.
00:14:53Oh, okay.
00:14:54Thanks for explaining.
00:14:55All right!
00:15:00Private, he's got that weapon around backwards.
00:15:04Thanks.
00:15:14See the picture on the front of this weapon?
00:15:20Let's put there for privates like you.
00:15:25It's idiot-proof.
00:15:33The gig line runs down the seam of your shirt, through the edge of your belt buckle, down the seam
00:15:38of your zipper.
00:15:39Look, this is a straight gig line.
00:15:42See it.
00:15:44Learn it.
00:15:45Do it.
00:15:52From here on out, anyone without a straight gig line will have to answer to me.
00:16:03Conway, what the hell is this?
00:16:06Just Sergeant!
00:16:07I guess my gig line needs straightening, huh?
00:16:12Oh.
00:16:14Oh.
00:16:18Thank you, Just Sergeant.
00:16:20Don't thank me.
00:16:21Thank your recruiter.
00:16:29Come on, boy.
00:16:30Come on.
00:16:30You can't do it.
00:16:32I know you can't do it.
00:16:33Ah!
00:16:34Ah!
00:16:35There are two types of bayonet fighters, the quick and the dead.
00:16:37What are you?
00:16:38What?
00:16:38What are they?
00:16:39What are you?
00:16:40What?
00:16:41What are they?
00:16:42What are you?
00:16:43What?
00:16:43What are they?
00:16:44They need volunteers!
00:16:48Are you crazy?
00:16:49I sure am.
00:16:50I'm a crazy boy.
00:16:53Hello!
00:16:55Conway!
00:16:56Yes, ma'am.
00:16:57Come here.
00:16:58I'm on my way.
00:17:00Woo!
00:17:03Hi.
00:17:04Hit me.
00:17:05Let's not fight.
00:17:06Come here.
00:17:07Hit me or you'll be sorry!
00:17:09I can't hit you.
00:17:11You're a girl.
00:17:12And I love you.
00:17:16You've got two seconds to hit me.
00:17:22Okay, but this is gonna hurt.
00:17:25Indiana volunteer!
00:17:28Oh, shit.
00:17:30I'm sorry.
00:17:30I was just gonna...
00:17:31I'm gonna teach you a lesson.
00:17:35Never!
00:17:35No!
00:17:37Drop!
00:17:40You're gone!
00:17:43Oh, got it.
00:17:46Can I please throw up now?
00:17:51Get up!
00:17:52Fuck!
00:17:52Get mad!
00:17:53You get mad, you!
00:17:54Get mad at me!
00:17:56Now, listen to me very carefully, Private.
00:17:58This is exactly the same as practice, but this is a real live grenade.
00:18:01I want you to do exactly as you've been trained.
00:18:04Yes, Joe, Sergeant.
00:18:05When I give the command to execute, I want you to drop the pin, throw the grenade.
00:18:09Yes, Joe, Sergeant.
00:18:10Drop the pin, throw the grenade.
00:18:12Yes, Joe, Sergeant.
00:18:15Execute.
00:18:18Move it!
00:18:26Help!
00:18:26Help!
00:18:31Thanks, Joe, Sergeant.
00:18:33You saved my life.
00:18:34I owe you one.
00:18:36No, you owe me 50!
00:18:4950!
00:18:50Mama, mama, can't you see?
00:18:53Mama, mama, can't you see?
00:18:56Drill Sergeant Lamb made a man out of me.
00:18:59Drill Sergeant Lamb made a man out of me.
00:19:02And that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States.
00:19:06And I will obey the orders of the President of the United States.
00:19:10And the orders of the officers appointed over me.
00:19:13And the orders of the officers appointed over me.
00:19:16According to regulations.
00:19:18According to regulations.
00:19:20And the Uniform Code of Military Justice.
00:19:23And the Uniform Code of Military Justice.
00:19:26So help me God.
00:19:27So help me God.
00:19:29So help me God.
00:19:30Nice to meet you.
00:19:31Bye.
00:19:31Be good.
00:19:32Take care.
00:19:33Bye.
00:19:34It's the uniforms, man.
00:19:36I know.
00:19:38Private Conway.
00:19:43Never thought I'd say this, but I think I've done the impossible.
00:19:46I've turned you into soldiers.
00:19:48Thank you, Drill Sergeant.
00:19:50Carry on.
00:20:01Uh, is this, uh, Unit 341?
00:20:05That's us, soldier.
00:20:06Hey, Bones Conway here.
00:20:07This is my partner, Jack.
00:20:08Hi.
00:20:08Christine.
00:20:09Nice to meet you.
00:20:10You look like we'll be working together.
00:20:12Good.
00:20:12Christine a la G.I. Jane, right?
00:20:15What brings a pretty little lady like you to water pier?
00:20:18I want an infantry, but until they ask that crap about women not being allowed in combat,
00:20:23I'll just have to settle for kicking your little butt.
00:20:25Oh.
00:20:27That would be nice.
00:20:30Heisty one, huh?
00:20:31I like that.
00:20:34Shut up.
00:20:39I'm gonna have to kill your friend.
00:20:41Hey, Bones Conway.
00:20:43Hey, uh, Fred Osthoff.
00:20:44Good to meet you.
00:20:46You okay, Fred?
00:20:47Oh, man, I'm fine.
00:20:48Yeah.
00:20:49Thanks.
00:20:52So, uh, what do you do when you don't purify water?
00:20:55Well, I'm going into my, uh, final year of dental school.
00:20:59Wow.
00:21:00And now that is great.
00:21:01No, it's not.
00:21:03Why?
00:21:04Did you know that dentists are more feared and loathed than any other profession?
00:21:09That's including lawyers.
00:21:10No, see, I don't think people hate dentists.
00:21:13It's just the sound of that drill.
00:21:14Oh.
00:21:15Yeah, and then they stick that sucking thing in the back of your mouth.
00:21:18Like this.
00:21:19And the nurse says, oh, yeah, that.
00:21:21And then they jam those cardboard x-ray things.
00:21:24And then they...
00:21:25And you know when there's...
00:21:26You have a cavity, and they do that little pointy thing, and then...
00:21:29Vee!
00:21:30Hey, Vee!
00:21:31Right?
00:21:32The nurse leaves, and she goes to lunch.
00:21:35And she jams it out there, right?
00:21:37Meanwhile, there is a lead apron, right, on the thing.
00:21:40And you're sitting there, and you're like...
00:21:42Cough.
00:21:43Cough.
00:21:44Cough.
00:21:44Cough.
00:21:45Cough.
00:21:48See?
00:21:49See?
00:21:49That's what I'm talking about.
00:21:50If you don't want to talk about it, it's okay.
00:21:53Oh, no, no, no.
00:21:53It's good.
00:21:53We should talk about it.
00:21:54Because my therapist said that I need to get it out.
00:21:58Kind of like an emotional enema.
00:22:00So we talked about it, and said, why not join the Army Reserve?
00:22:04Be all that you can be on the weekends.
00:22:08Yeah.
00:22:09Maybe it'd help me to face those things in my life that I'm most afraid of.
00:22:14And what are you afraid of?
00:22:16Uh...
00:22:17Well, I'd have to say, uh, damn near everything.
00:22:21Floss?
00:22:23Hey.
00:22:24Keep it.
00:22:29Good morning.
00:22:30Purifying our water is one of the most vital operations in the military.
00:22:35It is absolutely vital that you know your equipment inside and out.
00:22:41It's okay.
00:22:42Uh...
00:22:44Uh...
00:22:44Uh...
00:22:45Uh...
00:22:46Uh...
00:22:47Two soldiers must man the hose at all times.
00:22:50This is for your own safety, people.
00:22:53Okay.
00:22:54Never lose control of your hose.
00:22:57Ah!
00:22:59Turn it off!
00:23:00Turn it off!
00:23:02Turn it off!
00:23:05After careful training, you will be able to produce potable water from the most disgusting, swampy, parasite-infected, diseased water.
00:23:14Hey!
00:23:15Guys!
00:23:16Look!
00:23:16It's our first glass of purified water.
00:23:19All right.
00:23:22Go for it, man.
00:23:23Try it.
00:23:24Nah.
00:23:25I'm not gonna try.
00:23:26Hey, you try it.
00:23:27I'm not gonna try it.
00:23:29We should get Christine.
00:23:31Yeah!
00:23:32She'll taste anything.
00:23:38I'm not gonna try it.
00:23:40Let's get Freddy.
00:23:42Okay.
00:23:43Oh, Freddy!
00:23:44No, no, thanks.
00:23:44I'm allergic.
00:23:45It'll make me break out.
00:23:48Well, then who's gonna try it?
00:24:08Who's the leader of this outfit?
00:24:10He is.
00:24:11He is.
00:24:13Son, I've been doing this for a long time and I gotta say, this is the best damn glass of
00:24:19purified water I ever had.
00:24:21Congratulations.
00:24:22You keep this up and I'll be putting you in for private first class.
00:24:25Thank you, Sergeant.
00:24:27But I could not have done it without the inspirational guidance of my brother, the poor man.
00:24:41We're back, honey.
00:24:44Excuse me.
00:24:46Gonna go freshen up, huh?
00:24:50You're not gonna-
00:25:05Uh...
00:25:08is a家 show that sir noone, uh-
00:25:10Uh...
00:25:15Uh...
00:25:16Uh...
00:25:18Uh...
00:25:24huh?
00:25:25Uh...
00:25:49You
00:25:49Wait wait hold it here a second listen hey we're in the middle of the party here
00:25:53You know your friends might come in. That'd be cool. I don't think I think it's very rude if we
00:25:57stay away more than a couple of minutes
00:25:59two minutes, that's perfect. We'll have time to cuddle afterwards
00:26:06Hold that thought
00:26:09Somebody better be dead. Hello. This is an official message. I
00:26:15saw a flock of wild geese migrating south. I
00:26:19Say again the geese are migrating south
00:26:23Yeah, well, uh, my goose is about to lay a golden egg
00:26:26So you're gonna have to cruise the south solo. Okay. Have a nice flight
00:26:40Look you saw the goose. I'm the walrus and tall is dead and I'm trying to bury my beak here.
00:26:45So give it a rest
00:26:46All right, that's it
00:27:01Okay, let's get the phone. Who is it? Freak on about wild geese migrating
00:27:07Bones
00:27:08Hello
00:27:12Bones
00:27:13Just keep going don't
00:27:15Don't
00:27:15Don't
00:27:15Don't
00:27:15Don't
00:27:16Which way?
00:27:17Who cares?
00:27:18North or south?
00:27:19South
00:27:22yes yes yes what you guys don't you remember about the code so that if we got called up for
00:27:31active duty then we would know that it was for real it's gotta be a mistake it's gotta be chad
00:27:36hello mama it's frederick uh you sitting down chad is in the african country the one that
00:27:44libby's about to invade uh turn off the music
00:27:50you remember when you told me that every black man should visit the motherland
00:27:53bones why do you think i chose water purification is your brother a poor man no it's because chad
00:28:01is in a desert and water purification is the reserve occupation most likely to be called up
00:28:06if there's a desert war and there's a desert war and we're going
00:28:12that's it bones i'm gonna kill you well go ahead you gotta relax here okay i'm gonna get us out
00:28:16of
00:28:16this one trust me
00:28:30at ease sir i know we're going to chad but there's something that you need to know about jack and
00:28:37i
00:28:37before we go sir yes uh bones and i are very close uh friends
00:28:47very oh i see in that case boys i guess you're not going to chad
00:28:57sorry to disappoint you sir
00:29:03uh just one thing
00:29:08anything
00:29:10kiss him
00:29:12excuse me
00:29:14kiss your friend you don't have a problem with that now do you
00:29:20oh no
00:29:22he kisses me every day
00:29:41just do it
00:29:49is it hot in chad
00:29:51as the libyan raids against u.n forces near the border continue this u.s force is being
00:29:58ready to deter the invasion threatened by the libyan leader in his television broadcast
00:30:03last night and as the build-up here continues the first army reserve units arrived here today
00:30:09these units will aid in the supply and logistical support the growing u.s presence here these troops
00:30:15are in high spirits and the morale is high and their hopes are high and this mission will remain
00:30:21in high school reporting live from chad for worldwide news report this is stew creek
00:30:44i am first sergeant brandon t williams it is my intention to run this company like a clock
00:30:49if one gear slips in my clock my clock will tell the wrong time
00:30:54if one spring is losing my clock my clock will tell the wrong time
00:30:57first sergeant williams likes his clock to tell the right time
00:31:00do you understand me
00:31:03yes sergeant
00:31:04what did he just say
00:31:05i don't know something about his clock being broken
00:31:10have my words fallen upon deaf ears
00:31:12yes sergeant
00:31:15i mean no sergeant
00:31:17don't you know i'm your first sergeant
00:31:21well actually i wish you were my first sergeant
00:31:23but i already had a couple ones already
00:31:27drop and give me push-ups
00:31:29you will continue to do push-ups until you learn to address me as first sergeant
00:31:33is that clear yes first sergeant
00:31:36call one first sergeant two first sergeant three first sergeant four first sergeant five
00:31:42first sergeant don't eyeball me
00:31:45nine first sergeant ten first sergeant
00:31:50onrael for sergeant
00:32:13you just graduated peeling potatoes six thousand five hundred and forty three for sergeant six
00:32:20thousand five hundred and forty four for sergeant for sergeant six thousand five hundred five six
00:32:29six hundred thousand fifty four hundred fifty two for sergeant okay i lost count
00:32:56oh look hey it's the sunroof
00:33:21oh look gabrielle tucked in a little note into my duffel bag oh yeah dear bones by the time you
00:33:30read this i will already be well i will already be in milan with guido
00:33:39oh she dumped you sorry bones i must say though this guy sounds really nice he's got a villa right
00:33:46on the adriatic sea jack don't rub it in no no you're better off she's a horrible speller there's
00:33:52only one s and loser look at that and immatureish i don't even think that's a word gabriella she
00:33:59broke my heart sorry well fortunately i'm too shallow to stay bummed for too long
00:34:09oh would you mind turn the light off please jack oh yeah fred you checked your your bag for scorpions
00:34:16right scorpions he's messing with you fred no i'm not chad is the scorpion capital of the world
00:34:24yep fred they're big ones too about as big as my fist they outnumber people two to one and that
00:34:31margin grows with every sting so have a good sleep fred good night everybody good night
00:34:37people nice to alan nice john boy scorpions
00:34:53i got one i got one
00:34:57i got one i got one i got one i got one got one i got one i got one
00:35:06i got one i got one
00:35:10very funny we're just trying to help you get over your fears fred really fred don't worry about it
00:35:17you come and sleep with me yeah well i i'd rather take my chances with the scorpion thank you
00:35:24god i hate this it's not that bad it's like camp john jacob jingelheimer smith
00:35:47come on
00:35:50that's my name too
00:36:17oh
00:36:23don't eat the chicken and it tastes just like frog
00:36:36ready go
00:36:42who are you that special forces
00:36:45don't eat the chicken
00:36:5014.11 seconds
00:36:51damn try it again
00:36:55he's incredible time me
00:37:01all right
00:37:04go
00:37:16well that is not good what happened that is not good
00:37:27oh great it's coming over just just don't look at him
00:37:32you lose something
00:37:35yeah thanks
00:37:38put it in my lasagna
00:37:40you better call 9-1-1 get an ambulance find a doctor order a toe tag because i'm gonna tear
00:37:44off your head and spit down your neck do you understand me boy
00:37:49hey hey
00:37:52you have to relax a little take it easy we're in the middle of a war and we're on the
00:37:58same
00:37:58side
00:38:00yeah dude
00:38:03would america have won the civil war
00:38:08if benjamin franklin did not get along with eleanor roosevelt right on
00:38:12a little knowledge
00:38:14a little knowledge to partay
00:38:17go ahead man
00:38:19if our soldiers our american soldiers
00:38:22acted like this in desert storm
00:38:25saddam the same would still be running iraq
00:38:35so maybe we're a bunch of reservists fresh off the plane right
00:38:38it's obvious
00:38:40but you regular guys you've been here so long that your brains are fried
00:38:44right so i guess what i'm really trying to say is
00:38:51that doesn't mean we all can't be friends
00:38:56please there's only one problem with you newbies
00:38:59you don't eat enough
00:39:05watch it shut
00:39:19as you were
00:39:27son
00:39:29i bet the mess sergeant could use a volunteer to peel potatoes
00:39:33yes sir
00:39:34can i count on you
00:39:36yes sir
00:39:37carry on
00:39:40i happen to know on this base there's not one unpeeled potato
00:39:58i heard the uh libyans are already backing down and we're gonna be out of here in two weeks
00:40:02yeah well i hear they're sending 20 000 more troops and we're gonna be here till christmas
00:40:08wait wait wait wait wait wait where you going
00:40:22and until they comply with you and resolution 991
00:40:26i don't think anybody's going anywhere
00:40:29oh you're amazing christine how do you keep up with all that stuff
00:40:36christine
00:40:38christine
00:40:39christine
00:40:42all right quit screwing around
00:40:46chris
00:40:48send some water with this mud
00:40:56chris
00:41:01jack
00:41:02jack
00:41:07fred
00:41:12how does it feel to be dead motor boy
00:41:18i don't know how does it feel to be a dick dick
00:41:29damn it where's my water there was none delivered last night for a sergeant
00:41:37god damn piece of shit newbies how am i gonna run a decent hq without my coffee
00:41:47that is truly a pathetic sight who perpetrated this
00:42:00ow
00:42:06who did this to you i can't tell you for a sergeant what you have too much honor
00:42:14oh i've been threatened with death
00:42:16untie these clowns and give me some water
00:42:19i have an announcement do you guys want your water because you're looking a little bit crispy
00:42:32you better oh i know i know i know tell me if this is right i better call 976 find
00:42:38a doctor and tag an
00:42:39ambulance because you're going to tear off my toe and spit down my head right do you guess what you
00:42:44watered or not sergeant report to captain roberts you've got a mission
00:42:50water boys report to first sergeant williams you've got a mission too listen up captain denby
00:42:58says we're going to resupply the forward un peacekeeping base this is a very simple routine
00:43:05mission you will fall into line in the very large very prepared convoy all you have to do is follow
00:43:11the truck in front of you when your troops get thirsty you will give them water conway you look
00:43:17confused are you sure you want to send us to a forward area we're just water boys you are soldiers
00:43:23you will get in that convoy and you will be a credit to the united states army is that clear
00:43:27and muscle your lollygagging bus we're getting chicken move out
00:43:31so
00:44:01damn it forget it they're gonna send a tow truck
00:44:08man what i wouldn't do for a double meat chili cheeseburger right now no a margarita on the rocks
00:44:18or some fresh buttery jiffy pop that's not popcorn boys that convoy's under attack
00:44:29so
00:44:30really i don't think so
00:44:35Maniac shooting at us!
00:44:37What a maniac, it's the enemy!
00:44:38What the hell are you doing? Surrendering!
00:44:40Don't shoot! Surrendering!
00:44:45Whoa!
00:44:52Dale!
00:44:56Nice going, Christine.
00:44:58Did you have to shoot so close, huh?
00:45:00You scared the shit out of me.
00:45:02Excuse me for living.
00:45:03I was just trying to save your worthless little life.
00:45:05Christine, are you aware that after a near-death experience
00:45:09there's often a desire to have sex?
00:45:11Yeah, Jack.
00:45:12That's right.
00:45:13I feel it.
00:45:16Just not with you.
00:45:19Ever.
00:45:20Got it?
00:45:21Got it.
00:45:23I'm glad we could have this little talk.
00:45:25I didn't feel anything.
00:45:27You guys, let's get out of here!
00:45:29The truck's on fire!
00:45:48Stay low! It's gonna...
00:45:57Explode.
00:46:00Where's the phone?
00:46:03Hello!
00:46:10Now rickety-tick your mustering lollygaggin'
00:46:14out of here!
00:46:27Isn't the road that way?
00:46:29I'm taking the shortcut.
00:46:30Is there one?
00:46:31Uh-huh.
00:46:32The road curves around like this.
00:46:34All we gotta do is cut the desert here
00:46:37and catch up the convoy over there.
00:46:39Watch out! Come on!
00:46:40I think I know what I'm doing here.
00:46:42I guess this is the wrong time to tell you guys
00:46:44because I'd get very easily car-sever.
00:46:47Uh-huh.
00:46:48Uh-huh.
00:47:02Bones, I don't see a road.
00:47:05I have the best sense of direction of anyone you know.
00:47:08The road's over there.
00:47:09Three miles.
00:47:11Maybe four.
00:47:12Oh, yeah. Maybe ten.
00:47:15Maybe twenty.
00:47:17Maybe our truck is sinking.
00:47:21No!
00:47:21Whoa!
00:47:39Push!
00:47:42Hey, forget it, okay?
00:47:43Just shut it down. We'll kick it out.
00:47:45No, stand back. Stand back! I'm gonna rock it!
00:47:54You're quitting. It's not working.
00:47:56You're sucking too much sand into the air filter.
00:47:59I order you to shut it down now.
00:48:02You order me?
00:48:04Yeah, but I'm private first class, okay?
00:48:06I'm ordering you. Come on.
00:48:08The only reason you made private first class
00:48:12is because your brother's a poor man.
00:48:21Huh?
00:48:21You happy?
00:48:22You happy?
00:48:26Yeah, well, I hope you brought your triple-A card.
00:48:29Let's see.
00:48:36Well, look, you cracked the block.
00:48:38I could've done it if you hadn't stopped me.
00:48:40Yeah, you're so full of it. You know what?
00:48:43Shut up!
00:48:44We gotta figure out what we're gonna do!
00:48:47Then why don't you just ask our fearless leader here?
00:48:49Private first class bones,
00:48:51the one with the highest rank.
00:48:52All you had to do, Jack, was just listen to me, okay?
00:48:55I was trying to...
00:48:56All I've ever done is listen to you,
00:48:57and look where it's taken me.
00:48:58Look!
00:49:00We're in the middle of some African hellhole!
00:49:02Under a flesh-frying sun,
00:49:04with the sky filled with vultures,
00:49:06ready to pluck out my eyeballs.
00:49:09Vultures don't come around
00:49:11unless something's about to die.
00:49:13Shh!
00:49:29What are you...
00:49:30Are you ripping the sleeves off your jacket?
00:49:33Oh, that's gonna look sexy.
00:49:36Jack, tomorrow we have to walk away from this water truck.
00:49:40We have two canteens between us.
00:49:42We're gonna fill up the sleeves of our jackets with water,
00:49:44and then we have more water.
00:49:45Am I the only person who paid attention in survival class?
00:49:49Yeah!
00:49:50Yeah!
00:49:52There's a scorpion on my back!
00:49:54There's a scorpion on my back!
00:49:55That's enough!
00:49:57There's not a scorpion on your back!
00:50:00Uh-uh.
00:50:02There is a scorpion on my back!
00:50:04Fred!
00:50:05There's nothing on your back!
00:50:07You keep on imagining things!
00:50:13I needed that.
00:50:16I'm sorry I snapped.
00:50:18Look, you don't have to apologize.
00:50:20You're right!
00:50:22I see things very clear now.
00:50:25All right, Fred.
00:50:26Look, guys, I wanna apologize to everybody, okay?
00:50:29He's okay.
00:50:30I'll be like a brand new man.
00:50:31All right.
00:50:31Now, can we get some rest?
00:50:33Okay.
00:50:34Okay.
00:50:44What are you doing?
00:50:46Just felt like...
00:50:50He's always playing.
00:50:53Did you guys see that thing?
00:50:54He wasn't...
00:51:04Follow me.
00:51:05I know exactly where I'm going.
00:51:09Trust me.
00:51:35You guys, get down.
00:51:36I see something.
00:51:37Get down.
00:51:40I see something.
00:51:42Get down.
00:51:43Get down.
00:51:44Get down.
00:51:49It's a truck.
00:51:50There's the road.
00:51:51We are safe.
00:51:52I told you I had a flawless sense of direction.
00:51:56What a coincidence.
00:51:58That truck looks...
00:52:00That looks like our truck.
00:52:05Shh.
00:52:08Hey, listen, you guys.
00:52:10Hey.
00:52:11I figured out why we went in circles.
00:52:14Do you remember our map reading class?
00:52:16We didn't follow the sun.
00:52:21Look.
00:52:23This stream is due west.
00:52:25All we have to do is walk away from the sun in the morning
00:52:28and towards the sun in the afternoon.
00:52:30We should be there by nightfall.
00:52:32So you're saying we should risk being dried up into human jerky again
00:52:37just to follow another one of your half-baked plans?
00:52:40I'm not saying anything, okay?
00:52:42I mean, I'm pretty sure this is gonna work.
00:52:43But since I let us down before, I say from here on in,
00:52:47we put everything to a vote.
00:52:49We can't vote.
00:52:51You order, we follow.
00:52:53Okay, why order us to vote?
00:52:55That is not how the army goes.
00:52:57You have to tell us what to do.
00:53:00Well, what if I'm wrong?
00:53:03Then...
00:53:04we die.
00:53:10I order us...
00:53:13to do a sun-baked...
00:53:15plan thing.
00:53:17We're dead.
00:53:21We're dead.
00:53:22Hey, guys.
00:53:23Just think of it as a very long day
00:53:26on a very big beach
00:53:28in a very dry year.
00:53:49Hey, hey, hey, hey.
00:53:50Wait a minute.
00:53:51It's the ocean.
00:53:53I don't see anything.
00:53:55What are you, blind?
00:53:56The waves.
00:53:57It's the ocean.
00:53:59It's a mirage.
00:54:01It is a mirage.
00:54:03And there's Caesars.
00:54:04And right across the street is the Barbary Coast.
00:54:07So we can get a $3.99 buffet.
00:54:09And it's the ocean.
00:54:11Come on.
00:54:13Come on.
00:54:14Go.
00:54:16Come on.
00:54:18Come on.
00:54:24Come on.
00:54:26Come on.
00:54:32Come on.
00:54:34Come on.
00:54:34Here's the canteen.
00:54:35Go get your boy, because he's bugging.
00:54:37Come on.
00:54:51You okay, man?
00:54:53You okay?
00:54:54Here, take a sip.
00:54:57Listen.
00:54:59Look, Jack.
00:55:00We got two choices.
00:55:02One, we can put your clothes back on.
00:55:04We can get ourselves out of this mess.
00:55:05Go back to Glendale.
00:55:06Start up our own store.
00:55:07Become rich and famous.
00:55:09Or two, you can lie here butt naked and crushed away,
00:55:13leaving your skull to be found by a young Arabic prince
00:55:16that's gonna use it for an ashtray.
00:55:21You don't want that in your head.
00:55:23You make the call.
00:55:25Come on.
00:55:25Let's get out of here.
00:55:27What do you say?
00:55:28Come on.
00:55:29Here.
00:55:31Here.
00:55:32Here.
00:55:32Here.
00:55:33Here.
00:55:34Here.
00:55:35Come on.
00:55:36Come on.
00:55:37Here.
00:55:38Come on.
00:55:39Here.
00:55:41Hey.
00:55:43Oh, Jack.
00:55:44Look at that ass.
00:55:46Maybe you should stay naked.
00:55:47Get some sun on those cheeks.
00:55:57What?
00:55:58Oh, man.
00:55:59Now, I'm seeing things.
00:56:01The palm trees right on the horizon.
00:56:03Oh, it's another mirage.
00:56:05Oh, my God.
00:56:06I see it, too.
00:56:07It's not a mirage.
00:56:09Those are the palm trees.
00:56:11It's the oasis.
00:56:12Oh, man.
00:56:13You saved our life.
00:56:15Oh, my God.
00:56:19Oh, my God.
00:56:20Where's my kiss?
00:56:23Christine?
00:56:30The street was due west, right?
00:56:33It was on the map, right?
00:56:34Where's the water?
00:56:39This is sand.
00:56:47Nobody move.
00:56:50There is a big snake right by your feet.
00:56:55No!
00:56:57Thanks for not moving, Jack.
00:57:01Throw me the gun.
00:57:04If you don't attack it, it'll go away.
00:57:07I don't want it to go away.
00:57:09I want to have it for dinner.
00:57:10Throw me the gun.
00:57:24You want some of this, baby?
00:57:26There you go.
00:57:27Come on.
00:57:29Oh, no.
00:57:31I'm still going to get you.
00:57:36Die for me.
00:57:37I'll kill you.
00:57:42Huh?
00:57:42Shoulda-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da!
00:57:50Huh? It's a win-win situation.
00:57:56Will you look at that?
00:57:59Water from the bullet hole.
00:58:04Water! Yeah!
00:58:07Water! Water!
00:58:10Fresh water!
00:58:12Now believe it!
00:58:13Water!
00:58:14Is it snake yet?
00:58:16Depends how you like it.
00:58:18Well done.
00:58:20Used to be afraid of scorpions. Now he's eating snake.
00:58:23That is impressive, Brad.
00:58:27I thought we were all gonna die.
00:58:30But you pulled us through.
00:58:32I don't know how, but thank you.
00:58:47That was, uh, pretty exceptional.
00:58:53So what are you gonna do if I get us rescued?
00:58:58Um, I will take off all your clothes, tie you to the bed, rub warm oil all over your body,
00:59:14from the bottom of those feet to the top of that head, and proceed to have the nastiest, freakiest sex
00:59:24with you.
00:59:25That's the only thing that you have ever imagined.
00:59:29Oh, that's it.
00:59:31Damn it!
00:59:32I saw her first.
00:59:33And look what happens.
00:59:35Same thing that happened with Gabriella.
00:59:37I saw her first.
00:59:39And, and, and Wanda Tushman.
00:59:40In the third grade, I saw her first.
00:59:42And that girl in Palm Springs, it turned out to be the guy.
00:59:45I saw that thing first, too.
00:59:47You know why I'm not just strangling you right now?
00:59:51Cause you can't cook a snake?
00:59:53No.
00:59:55Because no matter how long we've been friends, I never thought you'd be the kind of guy that would save
01:00:01our lives.
01:00:02Let alone kill a snake.
01:00:05But you did.
01:00:06Oh, hey man, thanks.
01:00:08Yeah.
01:00:10I think it's the UN flag.
01:00:12We're safe.
01:00:14Guys, Christine and I are going to need some time alone.
01:00:17Sure, man.
01:00:23...in the situation room of the White House today, and the president is scheduled to address the nation tomorrow at
01:00:296 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.
01:00:31We will, of course, bring that to you live on...
01:00:33You are the reservist from Glendale, California, correct?
01:00:36This all fuels...
01:00:37According to WNR, you are presumed dead in a truck explosion.
01:00:42Um...
01:00:42Where are we?
01:00:45You're on a military base.
01:00:47Well inside Libya.
01:00:48That is all you need to know.
01:00:50Oh!
01:00:50I forgot to mention.
01:00:53The war is starting tomorrow.
01:00:55How'd you know that?
01:00:57American TV.
01:00:59Your country is expected to start bombing our air bases tomorrow.
01:01:03And when that happens, we will unleash missiles with chemical warheads against your bases.
01:01:08Consider yourself lucky to be here.
01:01:11Sleep well.
01:01:15You know, this is fine.
01:01:16It's like the time you got us arrested, Tijuana.
01:01:18Except we're in Libya.
01:01:20And your dad's not going to pick us up here, brother.
01:01:25Yo, it's...
01:01:26Aren't you guys also American?
01:01:32Oh, see, I see.
01:01:34I was wounded and I don't feel well.
01:01:36Please, sing a song to comfort me.
01:01:38Sing a song?
01:01:39Any song!
01:01:43Oh, okay.
01:01:44Yeah.
01:01:46Rescue me.
01:01:48Sing.
01:01:49Uh-huh.
01:01:49What?
01:01:50Oh, yeah.
01:01:51Sounds cool.
01:01:52Keep us alone.
01:01:55My team was on strategic recon.
01:01:58Huh?
01:01:59You know, that's when you go behind enemy lines and you try to locate their assets like tanks
01:02:03and bunkers.
01:02:04We were on our way to resupply dropping.
01:02:06We were ambushed.
01:02:07The other guys were killed.
01:02:08Killed?
01:02:13I took a bullet in the leg and they brought me here.
01:02:17Uh-huh.
01:02:18I don't know any words to this song.
01:02:20Kiss me, baby.
01:02:21Kiss me, baby.
01:02:22Kiss me, baby.
01:02:24Kiss me, baby.
01:02:25Kiss me, baby.
01:02:26Kiss me, baby.
01:02:26Kiss me, baby.
01:02:27Use this to dig around the base of the bars on the window.
01:02:31I got one of them loose all over.
01:02:32You want to escape?
01:02:33What are you, crazy?
01:02:38Look.
01:02:39It's the duty of every POW to try and escape.
01:02:41We're in the middle of a desert.
01:02:42What good is it gonna do for us to escape?
01:02:44To complete the recon mission, soldier?
01:02:47A special operations cargo plane was instructed to make a supply drop at a rendezvous point
01:02:51about 15K north of here.
01:02:53If we can get off this base, I can get us to the rendezvous one.
01:02:56You're insane, okay?
01:02:57The Libyans are gonna launch chemical weapons.
01:02:59We're much safer here.
01:03:00No.
01:03:00I'm a soldier and I got a job to do.
01:03:03And so are you.
01:03:05Now get to work.
01:03:07Private.
01:03:07Because I'm lonely.
01:03:10Yeah.
01:03:11Rescue me!
01:03:13Duke $478aph idé counseling, baby.ілhu
01:03:24Ayy
01:03:25BAM
01:03:25Ah,
01:03:25ah, ah, ah, ah!
01:03:28Oh, my heart.
01:03:30You know what?
01:03:31You didn't scare me.
01:03:33I just fell like screaming.
01:03:34Don't worry about it.
01:03:35Most men think I'm scary.
01:03:40So you can't sleep, huh?
01:03:42I'm too excited.
01:03:44Excited?
01:03:44They might torture us tomorrow.
01:03:46They might even kill us.
01:03:48I know.
01:03:48It's just like the night before Christmas.
01:03:51Yeah, well, at my house we got presents.
01:03:53I'm talking about the anticipation.
01:03:57We might die.
01:03:59We might escape it.
01:04:01We don't know what's going to happen.
01:04:02That's the coolest thing in the whole world.
01:04:05Most girls are into horses and stuff.
01:04:08They're weird.
01:04:11Most men say that, too.
01:04:14I like it.
01:04:17You do?
01:04:20Yeah, horses are boring.
01:04:31So, if I do get us out of here, and I will, is it true what you said about tying
01:04:37me up and all that wild, sick stuff?
01:04:40I'll have you kiss me again.
01:04:41I'll have you kiss me again.
01:04:44Okay.
01:04:48I can't wait.
01:04:49I, wait, I, I think I got it.
01:04:52Wait, look.
01:04:53Look at it.
01:04:54You got it?
01:04:54Yeah, look, look.
01:04:56Oh!
01:04:57Oh!
01:05:00Oh!
01:05:01Stern!
01:05:03Stern!
01:05:04You gotta wake up!
01:05:05I can't turn the alarm off.
01:05:06It's not an alarm.
01:05:07It's an air raid silence.
01:05:09Oh, thank God.
01:05:11I thought I was having another panic attack.
01:05:16James?
01:05:18James?
01:05:32Oh, it's okay.
01:05:53Yes.
01:05:58Almost.
01:06:00Try again.
01:06:02Okay, Cush.
01:06:09that was good just a little more to the left we got him yeah you guys just keep trying do
01:06:14you guys
01:06:15realize what we are doing right now this is a scene from pirates of the caribbean all we need
01:06:21is that mangy dog right and then we can go why just try it again
01:06:57how much do you love me
01:07:09i'm sorry i don't get it what is it with us and trucks i mean we get them we break
01:07:13them we smash
01:07:14them we crash them we run out of gas i don't get it yes yes yes i understand that but
01:07:18we're not
01:07:18getting tortured by baba gadoosh right now okay no instead we're lost in the desert again without
01:07:25food and water again stuck with this special forces guy he can't even walk because he got his leg shot
01:07:31up fred we're free damn we're gonna die free or maybe not
01:07:4455 american dollars and then on top of it see this chuck serious bona fide libyan army
01:07:53fighting machine and it's all part of this amazing offer my friend and maybe if you're lucky might
01:07:59even have a cool eight track you can play a buddha buddha buddha stuff on it
01:08:04huh and you asked me how could it be why such a deal because we're crazy boys we're giving it
01:08:11away
01:08:21you like this watch is it interesting no no no no no no no no no no no no he
01:08:26likes it
01:08:27come on it's got the phases of the moon and the compass
01:08:32what this has a compass yeah really yeah well we've been stuck in the desert for three days and
01:08:38you're telling me this watch has a compass sorry oh jack oh you're gonna get some noogies later
01:08:43i'm gonna just pound you like this i forgot yeah well uh about the compass well you're gonna forget
01:08:48about your little watch here jack because it's gone uh-huh here you go my friend hey you guys
01:08:55in my life i've seen a lot of camel's toes but i never see one in a camel i think
01:09:04he's got a
01:09:04crush on you bones really how can you tell because he's been nibbling on your ears yeah
01:09:11and licking on your neck it's okay you're just a camel
01:09:20our supply drops on the other side of that libyan base what libyan base paul are you blind
01:09:27it's a libyan base covered with a camo tint what are you talking about i guess we're gonna have
01:09:32to go around it around what see that jeep right there i see the jeep okay but i certainly don't
01:09:41oh you mean that libyan base the one under the camo tent i thought you guys were talking about some
01:09:48other libyan base will there be medical supplies medical supplies uniforms food water radio everything
01:09:55yeah but where is it it's supposed to be right here
01:10:00hey you guys come on
01:10:04hey come on you guys come on
01:10:07oh
01:10:07oh
01:10:08oh
01:10:12oh
01:10:13oh
01:10:13oh
01:10:13oh
01:10:13oh
01:10:14oh
01:10:15oh
01:10:17oh
01:10:17oh
01:10:17oh
01:10:19oh
01:10:26oh
01:10:29oh
01:10:30oh
01:10:36Oh.
01:10:43Stern, these things are intense.
01:10:45No wonder people joined the army.
01:10:47Be all that you can be in the army.
01:10:52What happened to him?
01:10:54His leg looks pretty bad.
01:10:55I think it's infected because he lost a lot of blood.
01:10:58But look at his gums.
01:10:59They're fabulous, man.
01:11:00Not a touch of gingivitis.
01:11:02He's been flossing.
01:11:03Yeah, but why is he acting so wasted?
01:11:05Oh, that's the morphine.
01:11:07Absolutely.
01:11:08The morphine better.
01:11:12Hello?
01:11:13Somebody answer us, please.
01:11:14You gotta believe us.
01:11:15We're stuck out here in the middle.
01:11:17Please, just help us.
01:11:18Get a hold of yourself, soldier.
01:11:20Oh, thank God, it's you.
01:11:22Listen.
01:11:22Don't say my name.
01:11:24What did I say to you when you first arrived in Chad?
01:11:28Uh, something about your clock being broken.
01:11:31Close enough.
01:11:32Okay, calm down, son.
01:11:34We're gonna get you out of there.
01:11:35Now, listen carefully.
01:11:36Your call sign is now Glendale.
01:11:39Our call sign is now Burbank.
01:11:43Did you recover the fast attack vehicles, Glendale?
01:11:45Oh, you mean those dune buggies.
01:11:47Yeah, those things are intense.
01:11:49Good.
01:11:50This equipment was intended for the Special Forces team to carry out a vital mission.
01:11:54You are our only assets on the ground with the right equipment in the right place.
01:12:00Say what?
01:12:01You have to take over, Glendale.
01:12:04Listen, let me explain something.
01:12:06First of all, Sergeant, we're water boys.
01:12:08Your soldiers first, Glendale.
01:12:12Now, listen up.
01:12:14The Libyans have a mobile scud launching base right in your area.
01:12:19These scuds are loaded with chemical weapons and targeted at U.S. bases.
01:12:23Our aerial photographs haven't been able to find them.
01:12:26You want us to find them?
01:12:28Well, what about Stern?
01:12:29Stern can find them.
01:12:30He'll be up pretty soon.
01:12:31Stern?
01:12:31Daddy, why can't I go to ballet class?
01:12:35Teacher says I'm a natural.
01:12:38These scuds can't be spotted from the air because of heavy camouflage.
01:12:43Camouflage?
01:12:45Why didn't you say so in the first place?
01:12:47Listen, we saw the thing this morning.
01:12:49Stern wrote down the coordinates, right, Stern?
01:12:51Stern, we'll tell you where it is.
01:12:53You guys can come here and bomb the hell out of it.
01:12:56Come on, send the Air Force.
01:12:57It's not enough to tell us.
01:12:59You have to go back there and paint it.
01:13:02Paint it?
01:13:04Trust me, it looks perfectly fine the way it is.
01:13:06I mean paint it with the laser.
01:13:08The laser target designator is in your equipment.
01:13:12All you have to do is return to that base, point the laser at it, and call me back on
01:13:17the radio.
01:13:18The Air Force will do the rest.
01:13:19You can be a mile away in perfect safety.
01:13:24All right, wait a minute.
01:13:26Chris!
01:13:27What?
01:13:28Get over here.
01:13:29No, Bones, they can't make us do anything.
01:13:30We don't know how to use this stuff.
01:13:32Fred, do you use lasers in dentistry, right?
01:13:36I know what's going on.
01:13:37You're going to try to make the brother hold the laser, right?
01:13:39No.
01:13:39My laser was a little itty-bitty laser.
01:13:41This is a big laser.
01:13:42There's a difference.
01:13:44Glendale.
01:13:44Glendale.
01:13:45No, no, no, no, no, no.
01:13:46Can't they just evacuate the bases?
01:13:48Yeah, or we can take an hour out of our busy lives, hop in these cool dune buggies, pop the
01:13:53base with the laser, and let the Air Force blow the hell out of it.
01:13:56Now you listen to me, Glendale.
01:13:58Please, hold yourself there for one second.
01:14:00I'm just trying to have a moment with my friends.
01:14:02Is that okay?
01:14:02Just have a cup of java.
01:14:04Please, chill.
01:14:08Fred, when you first got here, you were completely freaked, right?
01:14:12Yeah.
01:14:13And now look at you, huh?
01:14:15You're a regular G.I. Joe, a fighting man from head to toe.
01:14:19And Chris, you wanted infantry.
01:14:22Well, now's your chance.
01:14:24Let's see what you got.
01:14:27And Jack, my friend, you were a complete screw-up.
01:14:31But now look at you.
01:14:33You're still a screw-up, but if you did this and you survived, you'd have stuff to tell your little
01:14:37screw-up grandkids.
01:14:39Basically, you guys, up to a few months ago, we were all a bunch of minimum-wage losers from Glendale.
01:14:44But this whole event has changed our lives.
01:14:47You know who we owe it to?
01:14:48The Army.
01:14:50This is something we gotta do.
01:14:52Come on, just go with it.
01:14:54Chris, I know you're with me.
01:14:57Yeah, boy.
01:14:58Fred, listen, if you can't handle it, I understand, man.
01:15:02I can handle it.
01:15:04Jack, what do you say, man?
01:15:07Oh, I say, I say you're crazy.
01:15:09I think you're all nuts.
01:15:11But you're the private first class.
01:15:13I'm the private.
01:15:14I'm gonna follow you, my friend, wherever.
01:15:17All right, you guys, let's do this thing.
01:15:20Kick it, man.
01:15:21Darren, you ready?
01:15:24Let's go, Bone.
01:15:24I know, I know.
01:15:26It's just a little bit of business I have to take care of.
01:15:33You're gonna have to go now.
01:15:36You're gonna have to go be all the camel that you can be.
01:15:44Bye.
01:15:49All right, troops!
01:15:53Let's go bust some scuds!
01:16:03Next one.
01:16:09This one.
01:16:10Oh, my God.
01:16:12Oh, my God.
01:16:14Oh, my God.
01:16:15This one.
01:16:19Oh, my God.
01:16:48All right. Glendale to Burbank. Come in.
01:16:51I wish we had cooler codenames.
01:16:52What was that, Glendale?
01:16:54Nothing. I was just saying that these codenames suck.
01:16:57Can I call you General Sweetpants?
01:16:59You better remember who you're talking to, Glendale.
01:17:01Are you in position?
01:17:02Guy's got no sense of humor.
01:17:04Yeah, we can see the target.
01:17:06Have you painted it with the laser?
01:17:11Just did.
01:17:13Good going, Glendale.
01:17:14The airstrike is inbound.
01:17:16You should acquire the target in seven minutes.
01:17:19It is vital that you do not take the laser off the target
01:17:22until the target is destroyed.
01:17:24Can you hold it there for seven minutes?
01:17:26I got it propped up here on the rock.
01:17:28I can hold it here all day long. I'm good to go.
01:17:31No problem, Burbank.
01:17:33Good. Lay low.
01:17:35And report any change in situation.
01:17:37We'll be standing by.
01:17:39Out.
01:17:55Come on.
01:17:57Come on.
01:18:04Tell me again about the store.
01:18:07Oh, the store.
01:18:09Well, it's going to be great.
01:18:10We're going to have our own room
01:18:12where people can get their feet massaged.
01:18:14Sorry.
01:18:38Hold your position, Glendale, and keep that laser on the target.
01:18:41On the target?
01:18:43We are the target.
01:18:47Tell them to hurry up.
01:18:48You better hurry.
01:18:49We got 60 pissed off Libyans heading towards us.
01:18:52Stay with it.
01:18:53Stay with it.
01:18:57Let's get these guys here.
01:18:59Come on.
01:19:00Okay.
01:19:02Get out of here.
01:19:03All right.
01:19:04This is for the Glendale water boy.
01:19:16Not bad, huh?
01:19:17Whoo!
01:19:20Woo!
01:19:21Woo!
01:19:24Whoo!
01:19:41Reload.
01:19:42No, no, no!
01:19:50Ah, shit!
01:20:20Shit, they missed.
01:20:21Yeah, at least they didn't blow up my head.
01:20:25Where are you going, soldiers? We know you can do it.
01:20:27Oh, perfect.
01:20:28I'm gonna find you the biggest bottle of champagne in Chad.
01:20:32Yeah, well, don't pop the cork yet. The bomb's best.
01:20:35The base wasn't hit. You better send another airstrike here and send it fast.
01:20:39Wait one.
01:20:50The backup strike of F-111s is being diverted to your target.
01:20:54TTA, three minutes.
01:20:55Three minutes? What, are you crazy? We don't have three minutes.
01:20:58In three minutes, we're gonna be shish kebabs. We're under serious attack.
01:21:03You'll have to hold them.
01:21:18Oh, shit. Oh, my God.
01:21:21You better get the planes here sooner. The scuds are ready to fire.
01:21:24Two minutes and 30 seconds.
01:21:29Hey, hey! Where's he going?
01:21:39Hey, hey! Where's he going? Where's he going?
01:21:47All right, my man!
01:21:50You stay right here. I gotta go.
01:21:53Where's he going? Where's he going? Where's he going?
01:21:59Hey!
01:22:00Hey!
01:22:01Hey, guys! Move over! Move over!
01:22:06Oh, whoa.
01:22:08Cock-firing mechanism.
01:22:11Report the situation.
01:22:14Whoa!
01:22:15Shut up!
01:22:28Aim to set range if known or estimate.
01:22:31Who came up with these directions?
01:22:33I don't know.
01:22:34Tell me to shut up one more time when I'm gonna rip your spine out and use it for a
01:22:37putting iron.
01:22:38Shut up! I'm not good with directions.
01:22:42Push, safety, and hold down.
01:22:46Okay, now, everybody back!
01:22:48Fire by pushing trigger.
01:22:51Whoa!
01:22:55Suck on this at once time!
01:23:03Oh, sorry.
01:23:10Last chance, my friend.
01:23:13Whoa!
01:23:15No!
01:23:30Yeah!
01:23:31Woo!
01:23:33Whoa!
01:23:34Yeah!
01:23:38Yes!
01:23:39Yeah! Yeah!
01:23:42Yeah! Oh, man!
01:23:50Guys, on my signal, everybody scream like crazy.
01:23:54Make them think we've got 50 guys up here, okay?
01:23:57One, and go!
01:24:14We scared them!
01:24:17I can't believe we scared them out!
01:24:20Yeah! Don't mess with the Glendale Reserves!
01:24:29Two weeks a year, one week in a month, we're the few!
01:24:34We're the Browns! We're the Water Boys!
01:24:41All stuck!
01:24:42Get down!
01:25:04One, and go!
01:25:08One, and go!
01:25:09Oh, yes!
01:25:11Oh, yes!
01:25:13Oh, yes!
01:25:15Yeah!
01:25:16Woo!
01:25:20Go!
01:25:22Go!
01:25:23Go!
01:25:24Go!
01:25:25Go!
01:25:25Go!
01:25:26Go!
01:25:34Yeah!
01:25:35Hey!
01:25:36All right, start the Poles!
01:25:38Not bad for a bunch of Water Boys, huh?
01:25:40No!
01:25:41Soldiers!
01:25:42I'm proud of you guys!
01:25:44Glendale!
01:25:52You ought to be damn pleased with yourselves!
01:25:56Congratulations!
01:25:57You did an outstanding job!
01:25:59It wasn't a job for a sergeant!
01:26:01It was an adventure!
01:26:24A very fantastic job!
01:26:29Let's go!
01:26:32That's a very incredible job!
01:26:33You're a good guy!
01:26:33It's so well!
01:26:33You're a good guy!
01:26:34You're a good guy!
01:26:35You're going to have to go get a blood test phone.
01:27:14You're going to have to go get a blood test.
01:27:34You're going to have to go get a blood test.
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