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American Dad - Season 22 - Episode 05: Idol Threat
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00:03Good morning, USA. I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day. The sun in the sky has
00:11a smile on his face, and he's shinin' a salute to the American race.
00:19Oh boy, it's swell to say...
00:22Good morning, USA!
00:32You are cool. Cool as a cucumber. A cucumber doesn't want, it doesn't fear, it just is.
00:41Everyone, come quick! Steve is doing something!
00:44I'm psyching myself up for the Langley Church Carnival.
00:46Take this with a grain of salt, because I've never been to this fair and this is the first I'm
00:50hearing of it. You're not ready.
00:52The Church Carnival closes the summer social calendar. It's a chance to reinvent yourself right before school starts again.
00:58And you're going as... what did you say? A pickle?
01:02Your trolling would have gotten to the old Steve, but new me is easy and or breezy.
01:07I've been very patient. Please talk about the belt now.
01:10It's the centerpiece to the new me. Gives me the confidence of a cucumber.
01:15Famously the most confident of all the penis-shaped foods.
01:19Ready to go, Steve? Whoa, I'm loving the new braided centerpiece.
01:23You guys are doing this fair thing too?
01:25Carnival, and yes. It's the perfect opportunity to reset who you are before the school year.
01:30If it goes well. It goes wrong sometimes.
01:35Haley had a bad carnival last summer. Derailed her whole year.
01:40She developed an unhealthy bond with a goat in the petting zoo. They caught her trying to, uh, to lure
01:46it away into a port-a-potty.
01:48Are you guys talking about the goat again? Let it go!
01:51You freaked everyone out!
01:52He needed to be alone! With me!
01:54This fair sounds incredible! Everyone get in the car right freakin' now!
01:59Well, it doesn't start for a few hours.
02:00Wow! I can't stop learning things about this fair!
02:07I can't do it. This Henley was a mistake. Look how much chest I'm just giving away for free. Be
02:13honest. Is it slutty?
02:14Honestly? Yes. But in a way that really sings. If anything, I'm worried about my bold lip. Is it?
02:21Absolutely perfect. Yes. Those lips belong in Paris or on a motorcycle. I can't wait to see them drop like
02:28a curtain on a bunch of fried pickles.
02:30Oh, Stan.
02:34Right. I've watched 16 hours of YouTube videos on how to beat every rigged game here. Those carny fat cats
02:40have had it too good for too long.
02:43And I am gonna have a normal time. I'm certainly not going anywhere near the port-a-potties.
02:47Or the petting zoo.
02:48You're literally acting insane about this. Can we just forget about the goat?
02:52I have. I bet he wouldn't even recognize me anyway. I mean, I've grown a bunch. Has he grown?
02:58I don't care!
02:59And I've got my cucumber thing. Or wait, was that Steve's? I will also be a cucumber.
03:06Whoa, Steve. Nice belt.
03:09Thanks. That flamenco fingernail is nothing to sneeze at either.
03:12This? Oh, no. My new thing is gonna be cocaine.
03:16So what do we do first? Check out the rides? The girls? The women?
03:20This year, I'm easy peasy steezy. I'm even willing to ride the big kid rides.
03:27Are you sure?
03:28Snot, look at my belt. The new Steve is ready for anything.
03:31That's great news! Because there's a new ride this year that's supposed to be nuts.
03:37There is?
03:39Satan's tantrum.
03:47Very cool. But what's the rush, right? Let's get some funnel cake first.
03:52Stop hitting yourself!
03:55Steve, help me!
03:58Smith! I was just thinking about how I'd like to hit you with this.
04:02I got a cricket leg in my funnel cake last year. Let's hit that ride.
04:06What about Billy?
04:08Billy might have been the aggressor here. We came in late.
04:10Now the trick here is the backspe-
04:13Hey, watch it!
04:14Winner, winner, chicken dinner!
04:16I'm not a prize to be won!
04:17Help! I'm being trafficked! Probably for sex!
04:21Wait, is it for sex?
04:22No.
04:23Okay, yeah.
04:23Then heeeelp!
04:28The best part is, it wasn't even built by a ride architect.
04:32Then who made it?
04:33A guy.
04:34After he built it, he was committed to an insane asylum.
04:38Are pieces supposed to be falling off like that?
04:43Nobody knows!
04:45That's what makes it great!
04:46Step on the scale, boy.
04:48And get this.
04:50No height requirement, just a weight requirement.
04:53The guy was absolutely mental.
04:55What happens if you don't weigh enough?
04:58You fly out!
05:03He's not heavy enough.
05:05But Toshi's smaller than me!
05:06I can't ride the ride!
05:11I can't ride the ride!
05:14Enjoy the hell out of it, boys!
05:16I'm gonna try to cool off in the mirror maze.
05:18Agarva!
05:21Hi, I'm a little late to the game on this fair thing,
05:23but I'm loving what I'm seeing from you carnies.
05:26Doing drugs in the open, having filthy hay sex while your teeth drop out.
05:30I'll do anything to work here.
05:32You're hired.
05:34Fantastic!
05:35I need the first two weeks off.
05:41Hey, big guy.
05:42Close shave out there.
05:44Satan's tantrum was a curve ball.
05:46It's okay to be scared.
05:47You're still King Cuke.
05:53Mertz!
05:54Wow!
05:55What in the candy ass hell did I just stumble on?
05:58Oh, no.
05:59I can't control myself.
06:01When I see a wuss being this vulnerable,
06:04my body just has to bully.
06:07Good luck catching the real me.
06:09I know this place like the back of my...
06:11This is exciting.
06:13I wonder what my body's gonna do to you.
06:17I know my rights.
06:19I am allowed to sing to the goat.
06:21You're a cucumber!
06:22You're a cucumber!
06:23Nah, listen.
06:24He's a flight risk.
06:27Hot damn!
06:29Welcome to hell, boy.
06:30No, please!
06:31Somebody stop him!
06:38What are you doing?
06:40I told you, I don't know.
06:42But whatever happens is your fault, King Cuke.
06:48Ah!
06:50Ah!
06:56Ah!
06:58Ah!
07:02Ah!
07:06Ah!
07:07Ah!
07:07Ah!
07:07Ah!
07:08Steve!
07:08I got you!
07:09Next on Greg's Goodies, I'll be trying the famous twice-fried corndogs...
07:14Ah!
07:16A real news story!
07:18And at the carnival, my school year is set!
07:20Ah!
07:23Ah!
07:28Ooh, you are so dead!
07:30Everyone saw that!
07:32Assault, attempted murder, and worst of all, misleading an innocent carny!
07:36I know what your body's gonna do next!
07:39Go straight to jail!
07:40Go straight to jail!
07:44We'll see if we can get a word from the hero himself!
07:47Hang on!
07:47And hang on he did!
07:49To you!
07:50What was going through your mind up there?
07:52Nothing!
07:52I just did it!
07:54Inspiring words!
07:55And what's new about me is the bono tie!
08:01And at the height of Satan's tantrum, Mertz!
08:04Clear-eyed and cool!
08:06And Steve!
08:08The sniveling nerd!
08:10Unchanged by the miracle of the carnival!
08:12Wearing pink hot boxers like a cartoon sea captain whose pants are ripped open by an alligator!
08:17Can't say I love the way I'm being depicted!
08:19I gotta set the record straight!
08:21Mertz is no hero!
08:22It's his fault I was even on that death trap!
08:26What?
08:27It's just he did save your life!
08:30Criticizing Mertz now might come across as ungrateful!
08:34Dare I say, uncool!
08:38He's tormented us our entire lives!
08:40Barry, he gorilla glued your boobs together!
08:43You had to have surgery!
08:44We know that!
08:45But I think Barry's right!
08:47You gotta let this blow over!
08:48On the bright side, he hasn't bullied any of us today!
08:51True!
08:52I don't miss the usual back-to-school butt-crack wet willy!
08:55Maybe you're right!
08:57Maybe this'll all die down in a few days!
08:59A key to the city is the greatest honor Langley Falls can bestow upon a citizen!
09:06Though, in truth, it opens very little.
09:09The holes simply aren't big enough, I found.
09:13And so to you, Mertz, we offer this key!
09:16Thank you for not forcing me to cancel the carnival because of a death!
09:21Thank you!
09:22But the truth is, I'm no hero!
09:25That's a thing a hero would say!
09:27I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of!
09:30I used to prey on the weak, Steve in particular!
09:33For the record, that was the old Steve!
09:35If I can draw your attention to my belt for a moment...
09:38But saving him awoke in me a desire to do good!
09:41Now I get up each day and try to be the person all of you believe I am already!
09:47Thank you!
09:49I wasn't supposed to be on that ride!
09:51And for the other boy, Zane's department store has graciously donated a pack of less embarrassing underwear!
09:59For the love of...
10:00My underwear is fine!
10:02No!
10:03They're the underwear of a foppish captain who gets his pants ripped open by a hungry alligator!
10:09I've seen that one!
10:10What was it called?
10:12Meet me by the stage!
10:14Everyone else, go home!
10:16Francine, your makeup!
10:17People are gonna think we skipped this thing to have sex in the car!
10:20Especially the people who saw us doing it!
10:22Can we go now?
10:24Mertz!
10:24We never had a chance to say a proper thank you for what you did for Steve!
10:28I'd shake your hand, but I haven't washed mine and...
10:30I, uh, just did something cool!
10:33Do you have dinner plans tonight?
10:35I was gonna have a quiet night in!
10:37Dang, he's booked up! Let's go!
10:39Come to our house for dinner! It's the least we can do!
10:42Wow!
10:42Uh, okay! Thank you!
10:45Dad, no!
10:47He once did an entire history report on the agrarian tradition of plowing mom!
10:52Great!
10:52You'll never wanna talk about the stuff I'm interested in!
10:57So, Mertz, what kind of doors are open to you now that you're a celebrity?
11:01I bet you could get on Raya easy!
11:03Everyone's been so generous!
11:04The petting zoo said I could pick any animal I want! And keep it!
11:10Ahem!
11:10What did you decide on?
11:12Could someone pass me a napkin?
11:14A teacup piglet!
11:16Mm-hmm! Yeah, I don't see what the fuss is about this guy!
11:18Okay!
11:19Probably time for Mertz to be hitting the old dusty trail!
11:22No can do!
11:23I am not leaving you guys with all these dishes!
11:26That's sort of my thing!
11:27Since when?
11:28Let him clean up if he wants!
11:30I torched the casserole dish! It's gonna need a hero!
11:34Alright! You got into my house! You won over my family! Congratulations!
11:38Now you can use it all to stab me in the heart! That's the plan, right?
11:42There's no plan, Steve! God's plan, maybe!
11:46Something shifted inside me on that ride!
11:48Something more than my elbow popping out!
11:51Well, I don't buy the act!
11:52I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life in debt to the guy who gave me a swirly in
11:56a toilet he upper decked!
11:58Steve, I don't think you understand! I'm in debt to you!
12:02For the first time in my life, I like who I am!
12:05You saved me! And I can't wait to tell the whole world about it tomorrow!
12:10What's tomorrow?
12:11You didn't hear? Buddy, we're gonna be on Morning Mimosa!
12:15Hmm... Show the world who you truly are, you say?
12:18I didn't! But I love when you put words in my mouth! Gives my tongue a rest!
12:25Look, babe! I got you a goat!
12:27Who's that? I don't know that goat!
12:29It's a goat, like you like!
12:32Oh! Wow!
12:33Okay, now I'm starting to see what's going on here!
12:36Hayley likes goats! Any goat'll do! Is that about right?
12:39I don't understand!
12:41Yeah! Well, everything's coming into focus for me!
12:44I'm achieving a level of clarity about you now!
12:46Did I do something wrong?
12:48Get out of here! And take whatever it is you think this is with you!
12:52The goat!
12:53Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Go!
12:54Jeff! Jeff! That went so sideways in there!
12:59What the hell did you do?!
13:02Stop saying that!
13:06Welcome back from our boot and rally intermission sponsored by Fruit Stripe Gum!
13:11Fruit Stripe Gum! For when you need your mouth to be as fresh as a zebra!
13:15Our producer Charlie is telling me our guests are the carnival hero and the boy he saved!
13:22So tell us, are you as worried as me that every car is clay-colored now?
13:28Uh...
13:29Sure! In fact, there's not much I don't worry about, Suze!
13:32Yes! You look like a worrier!
13:35Guilty! I'm a bit of a wuss!
13:39I have this fun little thing I like to do that helps me!
13:42It's incredibly earnest and vulnerable!
13:45Do you all want to see it?
13:49Please don't!
13:51Stephen Anita Smith!
13:54My middle name is Anita!
13:55You are cool!
13:57Cool as a big, firm cucumber!
14:03Calm and cool!
14:05Probably the coolest of all the fruits!
14:08The king cucumber!
14:11Gotcha!
14:12Oh my god! I'm so sorry! I don't know why I did that!
14:17No, I feel it too! I want... I want to stuff him somewhere small?
14:21His place!
14:22Yes! I want to put him in his place!
14:25In his place! In his place!
14:28Stop! I don't mean to silence women!
14:32But where you look at Steve and see a four-eyed weenie, I see a guy with the courage to
14:37try to change!
14:39And in the end, isn't that what we all really want? To be better versions of ourselves? To be more
14:45like Steve?
14:49You son of a bitch!
14:51Ow! My arm!
14:52Show!
14:53That!
14:54You're!
14:55A!
14:55Bully!
14:56Free for all!
15:04Ah, Snot's basement. My safe place. Figuratively. The radon actually makes it pretty dangerous to spend much time down here.
15:12Are you okay? We saw the show.
15:14No. But I will be.
15:16Thanks for doing this emergency sleepover. You guys might be the only ones immune to the Mertz mania.
15:21Hey guys. Sorry I'm late. Pizza Overlord keeps giving me pizzas.
15:26I hope it's okay that I brought some.
15:28Yum yum yum. I'm fat. Is that what you all want me to say?
15:33You invited Mertz?
15:35Steve, he said some beautiful things about you on Morning Mimosa. I think he's being sincere.
15:41And the Steve we saw on the show, that wasn't you. We thought the real Steve would want the chance
15:48to apologize.
15:50No way! I'm not apologizing to that, that douche nozzle!
15:54Too far, Steve. We've always believed the carnival is an opportunity to change who you are. Why can't you accept
16:01that's also true for Mertz?
16:03Because I didn't change! I tried! And I couldn't! And if I can't, then this monster doesn't deserve to!
16:13Wrong, Steve. You did change.
16:16I did? For the worst!
16:22Look what I've done to your game. I'll just go. Enjoy the pies.
16:28No! Mertz, stay! Steve, you go! Me?!
16:33Look what you've become, Steve! Get out!
16:39Ooh, Mertz! We all love you! And your idiot broken arm, Mertz!
16:49Kiss my baby, Mertz! Now kiss me, Mertz! Now let's all kiss at the same time on Steve's stupid grave!
16:57Steve! Steve! I got worried when it started raining! Hop in!
17:01Stop kissing everyone!
17:03What?
17:06Whoa! Is it raining?
17:08I love my job!
17:10Leave me alone!
17:12I can't! I'd never forgive myself if something happened to you!
17:17Oop! Gotta blot that before it stains!
17:19I got napkins here somewhere!
17:22Look! Maybe you have changed! Maybe you're a completely different person!
17:26But that doesn't change the fact that I hate you!
17:29And I hate that I'm gonna be an afterthought to you the rest of my life!
17:34Back in the seat!
17:36Almost ready to look out the windshield again!
17:38Where my eye drops at!
17:43Ahhhh!
17:44Ahhhh!
17:46Ahhhh!
17:47Ahhhh!
17:49Ahhhh!
17:49Ahhhh!
17:50Ooh! That was good!
17:57Dad?
17:58Oh, Steve! We were so worried!
18:01Are you naked?
18:02Yes, your mother prefers when I dress like this!
18:05My arms! I can't believe I got the correct goat! I believe!
18:10I always believed!
18:12And now it doesn't matter if no one else understands!
18:14I understand a little!
18:16Oh, really, Jeff?
18:17What part exactly?
18:23Don't feel bad for him!
18:25This is what he does!
18:26And I've given up on the carnival circuit!
18:29Kicked out, really, for hygiene reasons!
18:31Gotta keep my eyes peeled for something less buttoned up than carny life!
18:35And is that Klaus?
18:36Timing will be of the essence!
18:38While Sergei is clogging the filter,
18:39it'll be up to me to open the window
18:41so Beth can catapult Pierre to freedom!
18:44Oh, my God, guys!
18:46That's my family!
18:47Get me out of here!
18:49Are you good to leave?
18:50Seemed like you're in the middle of something.
18:51An escape plan for the clownfish.
18:53It's fine. I wasn't crucial.
18:58Wonderful! You're awake.
19:00You're very lucky you made it.
19:01A certain hero got you here in the nick of time.
19:04Oh, no.
19:07Oops!
19:08Wrong curtain.
19:09The truck driver's in pretty rough shape.
19:13Lucky, too, that Mertz was a donor match.
19:16Okay, everyone, that's visiting hours.
19:18Steve needs rest.
19:21Mertz, you can do whatever you like.
19:24Come by the parking lot when you're done, and I'll smoke you out.
19:28They gave me this Jell-O for giving blood, and I figured you could use it more.
19:34I've got a spoon here somewhere.
19:36I guess I owe you an apology.
19:38You really have changed.
19:40Into my belt?
19:42Oh, you notice my little trophy, huh?
19:45It's for defeating you completely.
19:48What?
19:49I was being honest when I said you changed me, Smith.
19:52You unlocked a whole new form of torture I didn't know was in me.
19:56I call it long-form bullying.
19:59You're not even hurt.
20:01Right?
20:01And we're the only ones who will ever know.
20:05I saved your life so I could ruin it, Smith.
20:10Oh, there's that spoon.
20:12Oh, that's ripe.
20:14Hope this doesn't overpower your white grape Jell-O.
20:18It's a delicate taste.
20:20No!
20:27You wanted to see me, detectives?
20:29We need you to take a look at something.
20:34Am I supposed to know him?
20:35The truck driver who hit you 50 years ago.
20:38The guy who made you more metal than me.
20:41I'm no filthy bot!
20:42Easy! Easy!
20:44Our future technology has allowed us to do a retinal scan on cadavers and see everything they've ever seen.
20:50Show him, Kyle.
20:55I saved your life so I could ruin it, Smith.
21:00All your complaints over the years and you were right all along.
21:04On behalf of the Langley Acid Falls Police Department, we want to issue an unofficial apology.
21:11Wait, unofficial?
21:13We can't ever let this footage leak.
21:15It'll cause global instability and threaten the reputation of the United States President.
21:21President Mertz.
21:23Man, I'd love to get a belt like his.
21:25Ah, so cool.
21:27Bye! Have a beautiful time!
21:29Bye!
21:29Bye!
21:31Bye!
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