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The.Miniature.Wife.S01E09.540p.X265.AAC [Full Movie] [Full Story]Full EP - Full
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00:07New Year, new us.
00:09I've arranged to get the Vermont gang back together.
00:11Are Gary and Meg going to be there?
00:13Terry.
00:14Girl, we did it.
00:15You famously fictionalized your difficult relationship with your mother.
00:18I can barely show my face at Wine Club Wednesday.
00:22Your mother needs your Wine Club Wednesdays.
00:24That's not a stretch.
00:25Your mother was protecting you from your father.
00:27You are without a doubt your father's son.
00:30I would rather die a six-inch death than see Les win a fucking Nobel.
00:36Hilton is going to sell the tech to the military.
00:40We can't be party to that.
00:42Let's finish what we started.
00:44Limitless stabilization!
00:46It is time you knew the truth about Les, little John.
00:49You have no choice but to eliminate them.
00:54Tell me.
00:55Why?
00:56Why Les?
00:59We'll take Manhattan.
01:02Slow down, Terry.
01:04Be clear.
01:05What is she saying?
01:06Lindy.
01:07Quiet.
01:07Okay.
01:07Oh, hell.
01:08Oh, God.
01:09I know.
01:10Okay.
01:12She said yes.
01:14Yes?
01:14Yes.
01:14She said yes?
01:15Yes!
01:16Yes!
01:17Oh, my God.
01:22Congratulations.
01:23You're getting married.
01:24Good luck.
01:24No, no, no, no, no, no.
01:25She wrote a novel.
01:26And it's getting brothers.
01:27Yes!
01:27Nobody cares.
01:28It's New York.
01:29Swing a cat.
01:30I love this city.
01:31Huh?
01:32Married.
01:32Oh, why would we ever ruin us by getting married?
01:36I know.
01:37I mean, we live together.
01:38We love each other.
01:39What more do we need?
01:40I mean, it's silly.
01:41Silly.
01:42Right.
01:43Lindy, will you not be my wife?
01:46Les, I will not.
01:48And will I not be your husband?
01:51You will not, Les.
01:52And will you?
01:54What?
01:58What is this?
02:00Watch this.
02:01Uh-huh.
02:02Whoa, it's the fast fingers there, mister.
02:07Not marry me?
02:11Absolutely not.
02:12Never, ever.
02:17What the fuck is happening?
02:20Well, I thought we could maybe make it not official.
02:26Are we not doing this?
02:29Are we not not doing this?
02:31I don't know.
02:33I mean, we always said we wouldn't do the icky marriage stuff, but...
02:37But?
02:38But maybe two notes make a yes.
02:43We've sworn for years that we were never, ever...
02:47I know, I know.
02:48But maybe the really defiant, non-conformist, rebellious thing would be for us to...
02:56Get fucking married.
02:57Yeah.
02:59But?
02:59But, but, like a non-traditional, non-bridezilla, non-wedding wedding.
03:05Yeah.
03:07Yeah.
03:34I cannot believe that you did all the same.
03:36All right.
03:37All right.
03:38Right here, ma'am.
03:39Oh.
03:40There you are.
03:41Always, ma'am.
03:41Let's put this someplace safe.
03:42Lay safe.
03:43Under lock and key.
03:44Nothing can happen to them.
03:46Check.
03:47Next.
03:47Flowers.
03:48After the ceremony.
03:49Transfer to the tables.
03:50Low-stemmed.
03:51Vases only.
03:52To review.
03:52Rehearsal dinner rundown.
03:54Drinks and hors d'oeuvres on arrival.
03:56Bride and groom welcome speech.
03:58Appetizers and various toasts.
03:59You have the approved list?
04:00Yes, ma'am.
04:01Okay.
04:01Dessert.
04:02Done.
04:02Everybody fucks off.
04:03I get my sleep.
04:04We good?
04:05Good.
04:05Good.
04:06Wait, just good?
04:07Great.
04:08Great.
04:09Oh, one more thing.
04:10Ah!
04:11Videographer.
04:12So very important.
04:13One question only.
04:14What is it?
04:15What is the secret to a happy marriage?
04:16What do I not want?
04:17Advice.
04:18Remember when.
04:19Well wishes.
04:19Gold fucking star.
04:21Wait, ma'am.
04:21Excuse me.
04:22Kevin.
04:22Classic rectangle.
04:23Not bishop's hat.
04:24Oh, good catch.
04:26Jesus.
04:27Alice.
04:28Font spelling.
04:30Placement.
04:31My dad.
04:32Cannot sit next to my mom.
04:35We were informed that a Walt was assuming the father of the bride responsibilities by Diane.
04:42Mother of the bride.
04:43That is incorrect.
04:44We need to start again.
04:45Kevin.
04:45Kevin.
04:45We need to begin again.
04:46Hold on.
04:47What are you doing?
04:47I am preventing a nuclear fallout.
04:50She always does this.
04:52Who?
04:52Diane.
04:53Does what?
04:54Pushes my dad out.
04:55But he's coming, right?
04:56Right.
04:57So we need to seat Jim, father of the bride, next to Nancy.
05:02Nancy.
05:03Mother of the groom from a normal, stable, functional family and not my house of lies madness sadness
05:12family.
05:13Okay?
05:13Kevin.
05:14Okay?
05:15Kevin.
05:15Champagne or cocktails before dinner?
05:17Cocktails.
05:17Thank you, Alice.
05:19What?
05:19Champ.
05:20No.
05:21Champagne.
05:21Champagne.
05:22Champagne.
05:23Thank you, Alice.
05:24Diane and cocktails.
05:26No food, no absorption.
05:27We talked about this.
05:28She can...
05:29Whoa, whoa.
05:29Let's take a breath.
05:30We're losing sight.
05:31We're losing sight.
05:33Thank you for using we.
05:35Yeah.
05:35We hate...
05:36What does that mean to me?
05:37We hate this.
05:38Right.
05:39Right.
05:40Oh, my God.
05:40We do not want this.
05:41And that's why it's fun.
05:44Okay?
05:44Everything that goes bad is good because it makes for a better story.
05:48Our not wedding wedding for our not marriage marriage.
05:52It's all knots.
05:53Okay?
05:54Rebels of the altar.
05:55It's just us.
05:57Right.
05:58It's you and me.
05:59You and me.
05:59You and me.
06:00Okay.
06:00Okay?
06:02Yeah, okay.
06:03But, like, what if I lose control?
06:06Yeah, what if you lose your time?
06:07I'm really on the edge.
06:09I think that perhaps we need a safe word.
06:11That'd be good.
06:12Yeah.
06:13Okay?
06:13Like, um...
06:15Um...
06:17Uh...
06:17I know.
06:18Like, like, um...
06:19Halloween, 1999.
06:21Okay, yeah.
06:22In the sea of Bill Clinton's and Monica Lewinsky's and Linda Tripps.
06:25There were only two...
06:27Janet Reno's.
06:29Oh, Janet Reno.
06:31Safe word.
06:31I love it.
06:32I love you.
06:32I fucking love you.
06:34Okay.
06:35Okay.
06:36Okay, but that flower is not in the center.
06:39Hey, hey, hey.
06:39Come on.
06:40Okay, I'm gonna...
06:41Cool.
06:41I'm gonna let it go.
06:42Come on.
06:42Countdown guests arrival.
06:43T-minus 25 minutes.
06:4525.
06:46I did.
06:47I did.
06:47Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:48Hey, hey.
06:48Martin.
06:49Hey, how are you?
06:50Hey, buddy.
06:50Hey, hey, hey.
06:53Oh, mwah.
06:55Oh, oh, sweet redeemer.
06:58Am I the first?
06:59You're punctual.
07:00I'm where's, uh...
07:01Is it Dana?
07:02Uh, Dana and I are exploring.
07:05Our options in a good way.
07:07Cool.
07:08I need you in the kitchen.
07:10Uh, I'm greeting guests.
07:11I'm supposed to be here.
07:14What?
07:19Okay.
07:21It's nothing.
07:22Okay.
07:23Nothing.
07:23Is everything okay?
07:24Yes.
07:24Good.
07:25Um, so?
07:26Well, Dana felt that she needed something.
07:28No, no, no.
07:28About the...
07:29Oh, oh, oh.
07:29You know what?
07:30Let's not talk to me.
07:31Oh, they passed.
07:32They fucking passed.
07:33What else?
07:34What?
07:35Feezy assholes.
07:36They've got no vision.
07:37They've got no fucking balls.
07:40Hey, hey.
07:40Well, get there, okay?
07:41I know a guy at Monsanto.
07:42Kill me if we end up at Monsanto.
07:46Hey.
07:46Hi.
07:47So how was your nothing?
07:48It's fine.
07:49Yes, it'll be fine.
07:50Good.
07:51How's everything?
07:52Everything fine?
07:53Fine, fine, fine.
07:53Good.
07:54Oh, they passed.
07:55No, no, no.
07:56It's Dana.
07:57We're hoping she'll come through, right?
07:58Um, uh, hey, you know, I'll be at the bar.
08:02Okay.
08:05Diane!
08:06Walt!
08:07Walt needs to use the restroom.
08:09The signage here lacking.
08:12Uh, down the hall.
08:13First left, on the left.
08:14Left?
08:15Right.
08:16No, left.
08:17Okay.
08:18Right.
08:20Good luck.
08:23Okay.
08:25Snub.
08:26Noted.
08:28Les, has he cancelled yet?
08:30Who?
08:30Jim.
08:31Uh, no, no, no.
08:32He's confirmed.
08:32Who said?
08:33Lindy said.
08:34No, he's not coming.
08:35You need to prepare.
08:36Prepare for what?
08:37Heartbreak, drama, tears.
08:39Walt will walk Lindy down the aisle.
08:41I think Lindy wanted her to do that.
08:42It's handled.
08:43Walt will step in for Jim.
08:45Crisis averted, less drama, fewer tears.
09:02Ready?
09:03And what is the secret to a happy marriage?
09:07There is no secret, Walt.
09:11Nope.
09:11And happy, unsustainable.
09:14Enough said.
09:15But I will say, I know it's fashionable these days for everyone to express every single
09:21feeling at every single moment.
09:24But as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't do anyone the slightest bit of good.
09:29And marriage, Walt?
09:33Be nice.
09:36And if you can't be nice, be silent, Walt.
09:53Why the fuck are you two doing this?
09:55Terry!
09:56Why are we doing marriage?
09:58Hey, hey.
10:00Hi.
10:00Hi, hi.
10:01Be nice.
10:02Okay.
10:03I do have the greatest wedding present ever.
10:06Open it now.
10:08No, we're doing gifts after the...
10:09Damn it.
10:10Okay, is this what I think it is?
10:13You have a ton of work to do.
10:15Oh.
10:15No, we don't.
10:15Stop.
10:16It can't wait.
10:19No, it has to wait.
10:20I mean, I have to be here.
10:22Well, you want to be here.
10:24Yes, I want to be here.
10:25You have to be here.
10:26All right, Stepford.
10:27I want to be here.
10:28It's my wedding.
10:29We agreed that we wouldn't do any work on the wedding.
10:31Right.
10:31Does your book go to print Monday, Tomato Head?
10:34What?
10:34You told her about the tomato?
10:36Was it a secret?
10:37Yeah.
10:38Oh.
10:38I don't have any secrets.
10:39Get used to it, Leslie.
10:40You can get out.
10:41You have no right to call me Leslie.
10:43Is it not your name?
10:44You have no emotional right.
10:44Okay.
10:45Hey, hey, hey, hey.
10:45Hey, look who's here.
10:46Your mom and dad.
10:48Oh.
10:51Wendy.
10:52Mom and dad, I'm here.
10:52I'm right behind you.
10:54I'm right behind you.
10:56Mom and dad, how sweet.
10:58Yeah, I am going all fucking in on this new normal family.
11:01There is no normal.
11:03Do you want your book in Barnes & Noble?
11:04What?
11:04Yeah, of course I do.
11:05Take a drink.
11:06We're getting blurbs from France.
11:07We're getting blurbs from Donna Tartt.
11:09She doesn't blurb.
11:10Here you are worrying about the fucking canapes.
11:12Oh, my God.
11:14What happened to our pact?
11:17Terry.
11:17We marry our careers.
11:18We breed success.
11:20Only we date and dump.
11:22No marriage, no traditional gender roles, no Midwesterners, no cowboys, New Yorkers.
11:27Need only apply.
11:28We were young, and we were not serious.
11:31We were deadly serious.
11:33Yeah, but that was when I didn't think I was ever going to have actual love in my life.
11:38I will throw myself off the roof of this hotel.
11:41Is it the wedding you're mad about?
11:43Or is it less?
11:44Fine, I don't like either.
11:46But my concern is less about Les and more about you moving to the fucking suburbs and being
11:51unable to write.
11:52I am not moving to the suburbs, Les doesn't want that either.
11:55I will never not write, and I don't vacuum, so I will be me.
11:59Now I know I'm fucked.
12:01It's a wedding.
12:02It's not a death sentence.
12:04They're one and the same.
12:08How was the journey down?
12:10How was the drive down?
12:12Oh, I'm going to stir the pot and upset Diane.
12:14My leg ramped up.
12:15Oh, no.
12:15Mom, it is.
12:16Did I get you anything like ice or aspirin?
12:19I'm not crying about it.
12:21The little gods are here!
12:23Hey, where can we get a real drink of this stuff?
12:29Lindy looking hot.
12:30Okay, Sam.
12:31Well, your wife's right there.
12:33Okay.
12:34Congrats, bro.
12:35Thanks, buddy.
12:38Jesus, watch the family's rules there.
12:40I think you're a girl.
12:42Mommy's not going to come to your defense anymore, Lesley.
12:46That's Lindy's job now.
12:47Yeah, well, I'm going to...
12:50Okay, guys, get in the car, you know?
12:54Great to see you.
12:57Do you need ice or anything?
12:59Are you going to throw up?
13:06All right, here we go.
13:11Welcome, everyone.
13:13Welcome.
13:14We can't tell you how honored we are to have you all here.
13:18Yes, many of you know that Les and I never planned to do any of this.
13:23Nope, nope, not at all.
13:25Nope.
13:26No way.
13:27But I did know, I did know, I will tell you this, that I did know that when the first
13:31moment
13:31that I met her, something inside me changed.
13:36And I knew that I wanted her in my life forever.
13:41And ever.
13:42Forever.
13:42Yes, thank you.
13:45Well, alcohol and a sexy Halloween costume will do that to you.
13:50That's what got me.
13:52I will say that our first date got off to a bit of a rocky start, though, because I had
13:57asked her to the classiest restaurant that my grad student's stipend would allow, the
14:02Olive Garden.
14:03Oh, thank you.
14:04Wonderful.
14:05I was so scared, anticipating Lindy's arrival.
14:09I was sitting there waiting, waiting, and waiting until it became obvious to me and
14:14to the entire restaurant that she wasn't coming.
14:17And she had stood me up at the Olive Garden.
14:22And finally, the waiter came over and asked if there was anything else I needed.
14:26My dignity, my pride, maybe.
14:29And I was about to ask for the check when a voice rang out.
14:34Your finest house red, unlimited breadsticks and an apology for the sad sexy sack at table
14:41nine.
14:41I'm glad I waited.
14:42I'm sorry.
14:43Because those breadsticks were really good.
14:48To you, and to me, and to forever.
14:56To all of those things, and to you, to you for making the trip.
15:01We really, we love you all so much.
15:03Let's eat.
15:04Yes.
15:08Lovely speech.
15:09Thank you both.
15:12Cute, right?
15:22Attention, we're having a small issue in the kitchen, a tiny delay with dinner.
15:28So we're bringing cocktails for everyone to enjoy in the interim.
15:32Great.
15:32No, no, no, no, no.
15:34We hate this.
15:36More cocktails?
15:37You know how many cocktails you have?
15:39I hate this.
15:40This is a recipe for disaster.
15:41I hate this.
15:42Gasoline.
15:43Match is lit.
15:44A match is lit.
15:48Guess what it is, isn't it?
15:50Ha, ha, ha.
15:52Ha.
15:57Keeping romance alive.
16:01Les is a hopeless romantic at heart.
16:04Do you remember those sweet poems he used to, he used to write when he was little, dear?
16:09Mm-hmm.
16:09He would, he would put them on our pillow every night before he went to sleep.
16:14Howdy grew out of that one.
16:16I, I remember, um, Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Me, How I Wonder.
16:21Yeah, okay.
16:22What I'll be.
16:22They get it, they get it.
16:24Ha.
16:24Ha.
16:27Ha.
16:31Right, a groom.
16:33Lindy, best friend.
16:34Oh, yeah, Les is my best friend.
16:37How come our paths have never crossed?
16:40I don't like him.
16:41I mean, do you?
16:43I never thought about it.
16:45Huh.
16:45You didn't say yes.
16:46Oh, well, you caught me off guard.
16:48Well, isn't, doesn't best friend imply yes?
16:51Not always.
16:54I get the impression you don't want to be here?
16:56Well, Lindy wants me here, so I'm here.
17:00You here with a plus one?
17:03Why, no.
17:05Where's your date?
17:07It's complicated.
17:08Ugh, complicated leads to all of this.
17:12You're very direct.
17:13You like it.
17:15I don't know if I do.
17:17You will.
17:17I don't know if I will.
17:21Just wait.
17:25So you ready for the show?
17:27Oh, yes.
17:27Gary, when do you think the show will start?
17:28Watch out.
17:30Wait, is this your first McMichael event?
17:32Have you never been to a McMichael event?
17:34Yeah, I know.
17:35Why?
17:35Things are going to get nuts.
17:36Oh, we guarantee it.
17:38Nuts.
17:39I predict blood?
17:40Yes.
17:41Blood.
17:43What kind of blood?
17:46What?
17:47Look at me.
17:48Tell me.
17:50Is this what you really want?
17:55Terry.
17:56Ha.
17:56You didn't say yes.
17:58Are you working at your wedding?
18:01My book goes to print Monday.
18:03Hi.
18:04Welcome.
18:04How many is that?
18:08I told Les.
18:10Walt will walk you down the aisle.
18:12Dad will.
18:14Optimism is naive and not you.
18:16You have been perfectly cast as negativity.
18:19Hi, Cost.
18:20Hi, Diane.
18:20You're not helping.
18:22Hi, Terry.
18:23Need I remind you how many times your father was a no-show?
18:26Pick an event.
18:27Mom, your grievances are not my grievances.
18:30I was the one left to pick up the pieces.
18:33You mean kick the pieces and say I told you so.
18:38If you don't want to follow in your father's footsteps,
18:41you should be over there with your husband-to-be.
18:43That is your duty as wife-to-be.
18:46Don't mess this up, too.
18:54Mother of ice.
18:56What an accent.
18:58Duty?
18:59Well, you are a wife-to-be.
19:02Oh, is that the book?
19:04Yeah.
19:04Am I in it?
19:05Okay, no one's in it.
19:07It's fiction.
19:07I cannot believe that you are getting married
19:11when you always said you never wanted to.
19:14And I always wanted to.
19:16But I could never find the one.
19:18Not that there is, like, a one.
19:19But I found him.
19:21Oh.
19:22Tim, this is my...
19:25Has anyone seen Tim?
19:27Um, Aaron.
19:29Is that him?
19:31Oh, God.
19:32Uh, yeah.
19:33Isn't he great?
19:35I'll be right back.
19:36I dare you.
19:37Bye.
19:39I don't know what love is.
19:41I don't know.
19:42None of us do.
19:43But they know.
19:44They know.
19:45Last time I spoke to this many people
19:47was for the launch of the Ford Taurus
19:49that some of you probably know I designed.
19:51Sorry, I'm going to bring this down to human height.
19:54I've known you a long time.
19:56Long time.
19:57Remember?
19:58Yeah.
19:59I do.
20:00Oh, this, um, is Les's favorite song when he was little.
20:03You'll remember it, Les.
20:05I utilized to play the lady.
20:07Odlo, banjo, odlo.
20:07And redlessed it.
20:08Odlo on my needly-liddy-liddy.
20:09But honestly, when I first saw you two together,
20:12I was like, mm-mm, no way.
20:14Never going to happen.
20:14It's never going to happen.
20:16We're so happy for you.
20:18So happy for you.
20:20To my much older sister,
20:23who found the one so easily.
20:26Because, of course.
20:27Lindy, Lindy, Lindy, Lindy, you are...
20:30You are hot.
20:32I'm not allowed the streetlings are meddling
20:34and the sort of long-ice seedling for you to live.
20:38Anyway, I'm hopeful.
20:39You know, I have my Tim.
20:43We should ask them what love is.
20:46Right?
20:47Ah.
20:49Junk.
20:51Has anyone seen Tim?
20:52This sort of long-ice seedling for you to-lid-lid-lid-lid-lid.
20:57Love.
20:59Love.
21:01It's a beautiful thing.
21:08Where the fuck is the food?
21:10Minutes away, ma'am.
21:11I mean, miss.
21:12Alice, you said that five minutes ago.
21:14I know, I know.
21:15It's...
21:18Daddy.
21:19You know, Lindy was born on my birthday.
21:21Stealing my thunder from day one.
21:24From the moment my baby girl breathed air, she screamed.
21:28And not just been born screened.
21:30No.
21:31This one.
21:32This one had something to say.
21:34And I thought, holy shit.
21:36Now I got two women screaming at me.
21:39Hi, Diane.
21:42Then, I held her in my arms.
21:45And she suddenly stopped screaming.
21:47Silence.
21:48And the nurse said she'd never seen anything like it.
21:51She said, you two belong together.
21:55Like peas and carrots.
21:57I was in Milwaukee the day she was born.
22:00And to see her now.
22:01Young.
22:02In love.
22:03Getting married.
22:06Bright futures ahead of you.
22:08It makes a man feel a little bit giddy just sharing the air with you.
22:13As long as there's no screaming.
22:17You know, when you got kids.
22:20You see a little bit of you in them.
22:25And when they find someone who loves them.
22:30It's like that little piece of you is getting that love too.
22:36It makes this old man feel.
22:41Very proud.
22:44Congratulations to you both.
22:45I couldn't be happier.
22:47Hey, you're the peas and carrots now.
22:49Oh, let's all.
22:57Speech of the night.
22:58Speech of the night.
23:00Reisted in regalos for the so-called baseball career.
23:06Oh, baby.
23:11I'm so happy you're here.
23:13Gotta have someone on your team, kiddo.
23:15Daddy.
23:17This is less.
23:19Mr. McMichael, an honor, sir.
23:21Jim, never serve.
23:24And the honor is mine.
23:25But there's an obligation I have as a father.
23:28And that is that if you break her heart,
23:30I will break your son.
23:34I'm kidding.
23:36Clear, direct, threatening.
23:38With warmth and jest.
23:40I can see where Lindy gets her.
23:43Hey, hey.
23:45Diane.
23:47Jim.
23:48Walt.
23:49Jim.
23:50Les.
23:51Oh, Kevin.
23:52Mom.
23:54Lindy.
23:56Lindy.
23:58So how about that book of hers?
24:02You read it.
24:03It's incredible.
24:04You're a big talent, Lindy.
24:06Dad.
24:06Chip off the old block.
24:07And boy, did you get the Diane character down to a T.
24:11Dad.
24:11Yeah, it kept me looking over my shoulder, kiddo.
24:14I'm in it.
24:15No, nobody's in it.
24:16It's fiction.
24:16I'm a character in your book,
24:18and you managed to send him an advanced copy
24:20to address unknown, but not me.
24:23Mom.
24:24Walt.
24:26Diane.
24:27Mom.
24:29Kevin!
24:35Leslie, show Dad what you were showing him.
24:37Oh, no, no.
24:37It's early days.
24:38Show him.
24:39It's extraordinary, Frank.
24:41Yeah, show me.
24:42Come on.
24:42Yeah.
24:43Okay, if you're sure.
24:44Food's not here yet.
24:45See?
24:46It's the perfect time.
24:47Go on, dear.
24:47Okay.
24:48Well, Dad, I am on the brink of inventing the GMO tomato.
24:57So the genetically modified tomato really has the potential to change agriculture as we know it.
25:03And Monsanto is interested, actually.
25:05Hasn't the tomato already been invented?
25:07Yeah, but this is a new kind of, this is a different kind of tomato.
25:10You love tomatoes, Frank.
25:11I do love tomatoes in the sandwich.
25:16Does it look like a tomato?
25:18Yeah, but it's genetically modified.
25:20And it tastes like a tomato.
25:21Yes, but, yeah.
25:24It's a tomato.
25:25It is.
25:25It is?
25:26Yeah.
25:26Nice.
25:28Yeah, yeah.
25:29You see, he's impressed.
25:44Bullshit to marriage.
25:45Bullshit to happy.
25:46Do you want to know what genre I file romance under?
25:48Fantasy.
25:49And as for Lindy and the Nutty Professor, science fiction.
25:52I'm just waiting for the day my phone rings and she's accidentally got two heads.
25:57Attention, distinguished guests.
25:59The food is on its way.
26:02Please return to your seats in a timely manner and we'll...
26:05Chapter 9.
26:08Mother of Ice.
26:10Oh, fuck.
26:11My mother was not kind or warm.
26:14Walt, go stop her.
26:16Do something.
26:17I'm no hero.
26:18Okay, all right, everybody take your seat.
26:20Sit down.
26:21Don't worry.
26:22Everybody, mom.
26:22Her feelings frozen into harsh, jagged edges, ready to impale anyone who got to...
26:29Stop it.
26:29You're ruining mom.
26:30What the fuck are you doing?
26:31You're ruining my wedding.
26:32Diane, would you like some coffee?
26:34Where's Kevin?
26:34As soon as...
26:35You know what, let's just...
26:36Kevin?
26:36I'm...
26:37I'm...
26:37Kevin!
26:37As soon as...
26:38Go ahead.
26:38Kevin!
26:39The temperature dropped.
26:40The air's hot.
26:41The air's hot.
26:41The air's hot.
26:42The air's hot.
26:42The air's hot.
27:00There's always had to be controlled.
27:01I don't know where it...
27:04I'm burning!
27:05He's fine.
27:06He's fine.
27:07He's not burning.
27:08My mother was not one to forget or forgive.
27:11Mother!
27:12Stop!
27:13We're getting out of here.
27:15Walt!
27:15Stop!
27:16Jesus!
27:17Fuck, Diane!
27:18Fuck the knife!
27:20Fuck the knife!
27:20Put the knife down!
27:21Fuck!
27:22Fuck!
27:24Fuck!
27:25Fuck!
27:25Fuck!
27:26Fuck!
27:27Fuck!
27:27Fuck!
27:28Fuck!
27:30Don't pull it out!
27:31I don't think you should have any fight with me!
27:33I really don't think you should have any fight with me!
27:35Five, two, one!
27:40Everybody's getting stabbed!
27:41Oh, let's get you out of here, dear.
27:44Oh, my God!
27:50Walter, could you restrain your fucking wife?
27:52Walt, don't tell me what to do!
27:54Come on, go up there!
27:54I'm coming in for nothing to do!
27:56Come on!
27:57I fucking will!
27:58I don't know about that!
27:59I'm coming in for a while!
28:02I'm coming in for a while!
28:05I'm coming in for a while!
28:05Holy gracious savior!
28:07You called it!
28:07Double stabbing!
28:09You should have put money on it.
28:10Marriage.
28:11Bloodsport.
28:12Everybody, please sit down and enjoy the fucking tuna tartar!
28:24Uh...
28:25What happened exactly?
28:28Rehearsal dinner.
28:30Rehearsal dinner.
28:32Got it.
28:58What's the secret to a happy marriage?
29:01Being in sync.
29:02Being in sync.
29:02Being in sync.
29:06What a shit show!
29:11Oh, my God.
29:12My family.
29:14Always with the drama.
29:16I mean, I only wanted to get married to join your normal family so I could escape from the madness
29:22of my own.
29:23Only.
29:26Only.
29:31Less.
29:33You only wanted to get married to join my normal family?
29:38Do you have any idea how small that makes me feel?
29:44Oh, hey.
29:47Nothing's changed.
29:50And I love you.
29:52Not enough to not work at our rehearsal dinner, right?
29:57Maybe I could...
29:58Maybe I could still feel my thigh.
30:01What happened to everything that goes bad is good?
30:05Makes for a better story.
30:06We're not even doing this for real, are we?
30:10I don't know.
30:11All right.
30:13What's happening?
30:15Is this maybe the drugs talking?
30:17Uh, maybe.
30:20Maybe.
30:20Maybe.
30:20Maybe not.
30:21Hang on.
30:22Where are you going?
30:23Going to my room.
30:25God bless.
30:26Let's just fuck that traditional wedding superstition stuff.
30:29Well, you wanna fuck the wedding?
30:33That is not what I just said.
30:35But that's what you meant.
30:36No.
30:37Wait.
30:38What's this?
30:40I...
30:40I...
30:41I...
30:42Let...
30:42That's your vow?
30:43Let's do this thing?
30:45Come on.
30:46I'm...
30:46That?
30:47That's...
30:47I'm...
30:48Tomorrow.
30:48I'm gonna...
30:49I wanted to be...
30:49I got it.
30:50I got it.
30:50It really is a fucking wedding.
30:52I understand.
30:53Hang on.
30:54Where...
30:54Where...
30:54Wait.
30:54What?
30:55What?
30:57Uh...
30:58Am I gonna see you tomorrow?
30:59Am I gonna see you tomorrow?
31:15Am I gonna see you tomorrow?
31:18hey hey cold feet maybe drink yeah
31:33i'm sorry about your arm
31:35ah you've been waiting 20 years to stab me with something
31:39it's okay
31:40i think this wedding was a mistake
31:47the wedding or the marriage
31:51gotta say i never thought i'd see my little firecracker settle down
31:57but you like less right
32:00you chose dependable over exciting
32:02is that bad
32:03we don't do dependable me and you
32:11i wanted normal
32:15never had normal
32:18well
32:20not normal fueled your talent
32:23hell you wrote a fantastic book because of it
32:27normal can kill a creative spark
32:33that's why i can't write my vows maybe
32:36could be
32:38i should know
32:41before i met diane i was a lock for the majors and but you know the story
32:45yep yeah you got married and then the armoire
32:49the armoire whatever the dresser thing she wanted upstairs had to have it upstairs and then tore a ligament and
32:55now is that
32:56my baseball career
32:58you really think you would have been a baseball star if you hadn't married mom
33:06after we divorced i started playing down the mexican pacific league
33:10everyone thought i was washed up coach was forced to sign me so yeah he benched me game after game
33:16and one day their star player got injured and coach had no choice but to send me to bat
33:24first pitch swing and a miss second pitch another whiff if i blow it i'm done
33:31the next pitch i hit that goddamn ball so hard it smashes out the stadium lights sparks flying onto the
33:38field crowd goes wild and i knew i mean i remembered in that moment
33:45for great talent to thrive you gotta put you first
33:51you hear me kiddo
33:54yeah
33:55yeah
33:57i'll have the car running tomorrow morning if you wanna make a run for it
34:03we both know this isn't you
34:05peas and carrots
34:07i'll be right back i ain't gonna see a man about a horse
34:16um
34:17you do know that was the plot of the natural
34:20right
34:22oh yeah kevin
34:24i know
34:34i know
34:37i know
34:38i know
34:51i know
34:53i know
35:00are you crying no are you smoking no
35:07is it because i stabbed you no is it because you stabbed me yes
35:18what did she say or what did she do
35:22she was so uh excited
35:30fear cloaked in excitement and now she wants to run well she didn't say that she didn't have to
35:41lindy is like jim but she's more like me and she realizes the more she loves someone
35:46the more she fears they will run we have the endlessly charming jim to thank for that
35:55say what you will about me but i stuck around i know i am not easy or charming
36:03and contrary to popular belief i am not a monster after jim left
36:13my heart broke
36:16yes mother of ice has a heart i vowed i'd never marry again
36:24then i met walt
36:26he's a good one i may be the only one who sees that but everyone else can fuck right off
36:33now you less
36:37you are one of the good ones too
36:43and lindy knows it and that's why she's trying so hard not to run
36:55this conversation never happened
36:59diane thank you
37:01not bad for an emotional icicle
37:29fuck
37:31fuck
37:36fuck
37:38fuck
37:38fuck
37:39fuck
37:41fuck
37:42fuck
37:45fuck
37:46fuck
37:53oh daddy
37:56damn it
37:57reno
37:58fuck
38:17Let's do this thing.
38:28You took my fucking bullhorn!
38:31Kevin!
38:39What happened up here?
38:43This is not us.
38:44It's not us.
38:49But is it you?
38:52Be honest.
39:00Yeah.
39:01I wanted to get married to you.
39:07And I wanted a wedding.
39:12I did.
39:14But you, um...
39:16Did you?
39:16No.
39:20So why didn't you say yes?
39:23Because I didn't want to lose you.
39:25Or my family.
39:26But you see why now, right?
39:32I just wanted, was longing for some sense of...
39:39Normal.
39:40Yeah.
39:41I said I'd do what I had always said I wouldn't do.
39:47Because I didn't want you to go.
39:49Go?
39:51I am an overly educated, uh, science nerd nobody with, with one dumb idea no one gives a shit about.
40:02You are brilliant and you're gonna change the world.
40:07I truly believe you will.
40:09And I can't wrap my head around why you want to stay with a dumb-dumb like me.
40:18When you tell me I can change the world, then I believe it.
40:24And there is nothing I want more than to be with a dumb-dumb like you forever.
40:30Fuck the paperwork.
40:31But you want the paperwork.
40:32But you don't.
40:33You don't.
40:34So fuck it.
40:38But you saying fuck it really makes me fucking happy.
40:42I fucking love you.
40:46I fucking love you.
40:53Now I just want to un-fuck it and just get married.
40:56I'm like...
40:59What?
41:00Fuck it for real?
41:01But for us, like our, our thing, our, our normal, our version, and, and no drama.
41:10Yes, no violence, no police.
41:12No family.
41:13No.
41:19And I know a perfect place.
41:23The Grey House.
41:24The Grey House.
41:39The Secret.
41:42Not having a wedding.
41:46Having two.
41:48Diane.
41:49Don't make me come over there.
41:55I, Les Littlejohn, do not take you, Les Littlejohn, do not take you, Les Littlejohn, to be my wedded husband.
42:09Not?
42:10Never.
42:11Never.
42:11Ever.
42:12You are signing the papers, yes?
42:13Yes.
42:14Yeah.
42:14Okay.
42:15Okay, well, I now pronounce you, not husband and wife.
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