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00:17Welcome to the end!
00:30Nice everybody!
00:32Welcome to the end, everybody.
00:34It's a storytelling show.
00:35Me and my comedian friends, we're all telling true and really terrible stories.
00:38You guys ready to start the show?
00:48You know this next comic from his hit special, Jew, and his podcast, You Be Trippin'.
00:53Please help me welcome to the stage, Mr. R.E. Shafir, everybody!
01:05This story is about my downstairs neighbor, Thatcher.
01:08Thatcher is gay in a very specific way.
01:12I'm not sure if you guys know all the different styles of gay.
01:15There's, it's a great time to be gay.
01:17There's so many.
01:19When I was growing up, it was really just bears and twinks.
01:23Yeah, what a terrible time to be a young gay.
01:26To be like, I'm gay.
01:27I'm like, alright, right or left?
01:29You know, it's a real two-party system.
01:31Bear, twink, fit in.
01:32But now, the scene has exploded with flavors.
01:37Bears, twinks, seals, otters, cubs, foxes.
01:42There's probably non-animal ones that I'm not aware of.
01:47So many.
01:48Asian twink.
01:49Have you ever heard of Asian twink?
01:50There's a name for it.
01:51Twink.
01:56I'm sorry, I'm legitimately retarded.
02:00Anyway, Thatcher is none of those.
02:02He's one of one.
02:03He's somewhere between the ages of 30 and 50.
02:06No one can tell.
02:07When he was 19, he completed the rare task of fucking every man in Manhattan.
02:12And at 22, he overdosed on semen and got frozen that way.
02:17So now he's got this reverse vocal fry I've never seen in any other human.
02:21Instead of going up, it goes down at the end.
02:24He always feels like he did acid like two days ago.
02:27Whenever I see him, he's like, how you doing?
02:33Good.
02:35I always talk to him when he's outside smoking, smoking cigarettes.
02:39He's wearing one piece of leather, just to keep it real.
02:42Never goes full leather on weekdays, but either leather pants,
02:46or if he's got jeans on, then a leather strap underneath his sweatshirt.
02:50Something.
02:51Hates white women, by the way.
02:52Fucking hates you guys.
02:54Yeah, woo girls, he calls them.
02:56He barks at them when they walk by.
02:59Yeah, yeah.
03:00Bark is also, that's not a figure of speech.
03:02Like, he legitimately barks at white women when they walk by.
03:05Yeah, we'll be talking.
03:06He's like, oh my God, all right.
03:07I find the best new jungle room.
03:09It was like, one till like 6 a.m.
03:11Excuse me, one second.
03:15And they jump and run, and he laughs with glee.
03:20Thatcher rules.
03:21He's so fucking cool.
03:25Here's who he is, if you want to get a sense of him.
03:27One day I was walking home late night from the comedy cellar,
03:29and a fire truck passed me with the sirens on.
03:32And I was like, ooh, somebody's in trouble.
03:33And then 10 minutes later, I turn onto my block.
03:35The fire truck is in front of my building.
03:38Which, yeah, that's never a good thing.
03:41I was like, oh shit.
03:42And I get up there, and I look.
03:43There's no smoke coming out.
03:44So I'm like, oh, it's not a fire, I don't think.
03:46And then Thatcher's out there.
03:47He's smoking, looking at it.
03:48I was like, hey, Thatcher, what's going on in there?
03:49He goes, somebody's ODing in my apartment.
03:54I'm like, what?
03:55He goes, they're like dying or whatever.
03:59And the fire, I looked at there banging on his door,
04:01trying to get in, like, open up, open up the fucking door.
04:04One of them comes over, he's like, what did he take?
04:06And Thatcher's like, G.H.B.
04:08And they go, how much did he take?
04:09He goes, fucking all of it!
04:14So the fire department got serious, like, fuck.
04:16One of them goes, we got a body for sure.
04:18I'm like, what the, and they go get a battering ram
04:20to knock his door down.
04:22Guys, for three in the morning,
04:24I was gonna watch an episode of Severance.
04:27This was so much more exciting than anything
04:29on any television program.
04:32And I'm like, and they start banging on the door,
04:34and I go to Thatcher, I'm like, I mean,
04:35who's in your apartment?
04:36Like, what's the story?
04:37What's going on here?
04:38And he goes, he leans in, he goes,
04:41nobody's in there.
04:48What?
04:49What do you mean?
04:50And he goes, I locked my keys inside.
05:03Yeah, I guess he called the locksmith,
05:05and it was like $100.
05:08And he was like, no fucking chance.
05:11That's so much drugs I could buy with $100.
05:14I'm not spending $100 again at my own home.
05:16No.
05:17I'll think of another way.
05:19And he did.
05:21And they knocked his door down.
05:23They banged it up.
05:24It didn't pop open.
05:25The whole thing fell.
05:27And five firemen ran in there to find
05:29what I knew they were not going to find.
05:32And I'm just like...
05:35And then I waited.
05:36They came out like 20 seconds later,
05:38a mixture of like relief and like sadness, I guess.
05:42And they go, hey, nobody's in there.
05:44And Thatcher just goes, what?
05:47And then he walked over his door and went to sleep.
05:52He had no door for like six days.
05:55Like the super hates him.
05:57He's like, I'm not in any rush to help you.
05:58You're always a problem.
06:00Yeah, we'd come home.
06:01I'd come home and I'd just see him on his bed.
06:03I'm like, hey, Thatcher.
06:04I'd be like, hey.
06:05This open door.
06:06He fucks too, like a lot.
06:09And he didn't change his fuck schedule for no door.
06:13Yeah, you guys probably fuck at night.
06:15Thatcher fucks whenever a fuck presents.
06:18So I heard he was getting railed at like 2 10 PM.
06:22Yeah.
06:23He lives on the ground floor.
06:26Like you have to pass his door to get to any other apartment in the building.
06:30And he's just getting bent over and split open by some guy.
06:34And fucking people are walking their dog and they're coming home.
06:37It's coffee hours still.
06:39They're like, close the door.
06:41And he's like, I can't.
06:44Fair.
06:46Anyway, here's what I want to tell you.
06:47I need your opinion on it.
06:49One day.
06:49Do you guys have a homeless guy in your neighborhood that you recognize?
06:52Yeah.
06:53Isn't that wild?
06:54We all live in different neighborhoods.
06:57Every neighborhood is like a mayor homeless.
07:02Mine just smiles.
07:03I have a homeless guy in Tompkins Square Park.
07:05Well, there's two actually.
07:06There's a female homeless guy.
07:11I recognize because I saw her when she started.
07:13That's what I noticed.
07:15Cause she was hot.
07:16She was like legit hot.
07:17She was hotter than you.
07:18Hotter than you.
07:19Hotter than you.
07:20Hotter than all you.
07:21This is not an attack on any one of you.
07:22I'm just saying she was legit hot.
07:26You will be happy to know she is no longer hotter than any of you.
07:31Heroin did what it was supposed to.
07:37The last time I saw her, she was reaching into her pants and going like this.
07:40Going, ugh.
07:42And then like walking and then reaching in again and going, ugh.
07:46And she just kept doing that.
07:48I want to be like, lady, that ain't just going to clear up.
07:51If you got pussy rot, you got to treat that.
07:54That says that in every farmer's almanac.
07:58But this other guy, he just smiles.
08:00Sits on the eastern corner of Tompkins Square Park.
08:02Never got his name.
08:03Those are the people.
08:04You don't give them money.
08:05You don't know.
08:05They just go, how you doing today?
08:06You know?
08:06And you're like, I'm a good person.
08:08Even though, like, I could desperately use a dollar.
08:10Like, it's not a relationship.
08:14Anyway, he just sits there and smiles.
08:16And he's not bothering anybody.
08:17But I like him.
08:18He's actually the first person I see most mornings when I walk my dog.
08:21And it's nice.
08:22It's nice to see him.
08:23If I'm in a bad mood, I'm like, I'll do this and this.
08:25And there's some homeless guy like.
08:28Like, all right, maybe I should be in a better mood then.
08:31Anyway, one day, I was coming downstairs.
08:33My elevator door opens.
08:34It's elevator, hallway, front door.
08:37Thatcher's vestibule, I guess now.
08:39I don't know what you would call a place without a door.
08:42And then some other guy lives here who fucking hates Thatcher.
08:46He's got to share a recycle bin with him.
08:48And I would not want to do that.
08:52Anyway, I thought the door had been fixed.
08:54So it's like two weeks passed.
08:55But anyway, came down.
08:57Elevator opens.
08:58That smiling homeless guy is in my building.
09:02Somebody buzzed him in.
09:05If you're a homeless guy, you get access to a building.
09:09And the first door you see has no door.
09:13You must be like, yeah, this is the dream.
09:21And so I go up there to tell him no, you know, to be like, hey, get out of here.
09:25Like, I'm mostly coward, but like, the level of hero I have in me is I'll be like, hey, no.
09:34That's about as much as I can give.
09:37If there's a homeless guy about to rob an apartment in my building, I can say, don't.
09:44And if they're like, I'm still gonna, I go, well, I tried.
09:46I don't know, fucking, it's up to you.
09:48So I go up there to be like, hey, hey, don't.
09:51And as I go up there, I see the door is fixed, but it's open.
09:54And Thatcher's in there and he's talking to him and he's smiling too.
09:58And then he takes a wad of crumbled up bills, shoves it at the guy and says, get the fuck
10:05out of my apartment already.
10:10Question for you guys.
10:14What preceded that?
10:24What do you think was going on in Thatcher's apartment?
10:27While I was putting my socks and shoes on for the day.
10:32I know what I don't want it to be.
10:41You got any guesses?
10:43You don't want to say it.
10:46Okay, let's stay positive.
10:48Maybe it's not what we're all thinking that definitely happened.
10:52I don't want to live in that world.
10:54I don't want to be in a world where someone's, hold on, let's not even say it yet.
10:59Fucking the homeless.
11:01That's a, that's a line.
11:05Would you run out of home full people to fuck?
11:09I mean, what is the gay world where you're like, I wish there was an untapped market of single dudes
11:14I'm just not looking at.
11:18Maybe it's not, maybe it's something, okay, let's, let's not, let's not, let's, okay, maybe, oh, maybe Thatcher was commissioning
11:24him to paint a mural in his apartment.
11:30Maybe someone was fucking or sucking.
11:34But then that leads to more questions.
11:35Who's fucking whom?
11:37Or is it just sucking?
11:39Is it a relationship?
11:40Like I have, but how do you ask somebody that?
11:44It's if I'm wrong, it's an insulting question.
11:47You know, like, Hey, you fucking the homeless?
11:51What?
11:53You know, it's not like, Hey, did you park outside?
11:55Like, no, I parked around the corner.
11:57Not an issue.
11:59Are you fucking the homeless?
12:00Like, wait, wait, what did you think?
12:03There's certain questions you ask that like, the answer is going to be no, whether it's true or not.
12:09You know, what's your name?
12:11Maria.
12:12Let's say I found out you were stealing money out of the collection plate at church, which is, I think
12:16rules, but society does not agree.
12:19And if I was like, are you stealing money out of the collection plate, Maria?
12:21You go, no.
12:22And that means no or yes.
12:25So you got to phrase it right.
12:27You got to phrase it just right.
12:29You know, maybe we're out getting beers.
12:31I'm like, wait, 16?
12:32I thought it was 14.
12:32Fuck, I'm too long.
12:33Maria, how much did you get out of the collection plate today?
12:38Maybe you can get it.
12:39Oh, I got 12.
12:39I fucking knew it, you bitch.
12:44So I had to ask Thatcher what was going on with this smiling homeless guy.
12:48Every time I'd try to get him in a good mood, he'd be outside talking and he'd be throwing shoes
12:53over the trees in front of my apartment.
12:56That's one of his favorite pastime.
12:58Yeah, it's not his shoes.
12:59He goes out some days to find shoes to throw over the branches of the trees in front of my
13:04house.
13:04You can find my apartment if you look hard enough.
13:09And every time I'd be about to ask him, you know, suddenly...
13:15Yeah, see?
13:16You jumped.
13:17You jumped.
13:20It works.
13:21They jump.
13:22White chicks jump when you bark at them.
13:27Every time I'd be about to ask him, some fucking white bitch would walk by and make him angry.
13:32And I'm like, I can't ask him now, he's in a bad mood.
13:37I couldn't figure out how to ask him.
13:38And then one day I was leaving my apartment, elevator door opens, right?
13:41I'm about to come out.
13:42There's another homeless guy in my building, sleeping on the floor in the hallway, like blocking the whole hallway.
13:49By the way, guys, I should tell you at this point, I actually do well.
13:55You know, I'm fine financially.
13:58I know this story involves a lot of homeless people in my building.
14:02Actually, that's almost all the characters, but...
14:06I'm telling you, this is out of the ordinary for how I live.
14:09So I'm like, what the fuck?
14:10Anyway, so I go like, what happened to my fucking building?
14:13So I go to like, step over, and it's Thatcher.
14:18He's laying next to his door with the keys and his phone in his hand, just like out sleeping.
14:23Like, I don't know what drugs you did all night, but you came home at six in the morning and
14:28was like, close enough.
14:32It was so hard to get, we've all been drunk trying, I just gotta get home.
14:36And you're like, through the front door of the building, like, that's fine, I'll call it.
14:39Like, you're right near your bed.
14:43And I'm like, what the fuck?
14:44And I looked down, but there was some blood on the wall by the floor.
14:49Yeah, and he was kind of like, like shaking, and there was some fucking shit coming out of us, like
14:53white bile in his mouth.
14:55Yeah, I think he fucking collapsed and bashed his head.
14:58And he was, he was like choking on it.
15:00He was like, like Breaking Bad.
15:02Remember when that girl died?
15:04Yeah, it was like that.
15:06Yeah.
15:07And just like Breaking Bad, I briefly considered doing nothing.
15:13Briefly.
15:13Less time, less time than Walter White.
15:16It was like a millisecond.
15:18I was like, well, maybe don't get in the way of nature.
15:21But, well, no, it was not, there was also cameras in the hallway and that's, it's a pretty bad look.
15:28You know?
15:29If they're like, Thatcher died, did you see anything?
15:31Like, no, didn't see anything.
15:33Like, hey, really?
15:35There's footage of you going.
15:39Yeah, that's not gonna help me sell tickets.
15:43So, so I bent down and I turned him over.
15:46There's blood everywhere.
15:47Blood, I wasn't wearing this outfit, but blood all over me.
15:51And then the fucking vomity shit comes out and he's still shaking unconscious.
15:54Right then, the other guy who lives downstairs came out of his apartment, saw it and goes, ugh.
15:58And then just fucking shuts the door.
16:01Anyway, 911 called him.
16:03They got there pretty fast.
16:04White neighborhood.
16:05Sorry.
16:08And a male and a female paramedic.
16:10They show up.
16:11They fucking, they cleared his mouth.
16:13He was completely unconscious.
16:14It was fucking wild.
16:15The guy never stops entertaining.
16:20And they put him in a gurney and then the male goes, hey, what drugs does your friend take?
16:24And I'm like, first of all, do not write friend down on a piece of paper.
16:31That is very official.
16:33That is a guy who lives in my building.
16:35His name is Thatcher, I think.
16:40And they go, he goes, did he take drugs?
16:43I'm like, yeah, Thatcher always takes drugs.
16:44He rules.
16:47They're like, what drugs does he take?
16:48I'm like, whatever you got, he's down.
16:50He's not gonna stop a party.
16:52Thatcher takes everything.
16:53He's fucking, he's legitimately maybe the coolest guy I've ever met in my life.
16:57And they go, okay.
16:58And they put him in the gurney.
16:59And then the female paramedic goes, hey, just so we know, if he regains consciousness,
17:02is he gonna be a danger to us?
17:04Because that's their job, I guess.
17:06And I was like, I mean, physically, no.
17:11But lady, I'm looking at your haircut right now.
17:15He's gonna light you up.
17:19She was like, I'll be fine.
17:20I'm like, you don't know Thatcher.
17:21I would, I would let the man wheel him in.
17:27Anyway, so that's it.
17:28They pulled him away.
17:29And I didn't hear anything.
17:30Three days later, I pass the other guy who lives in the building.
17:33As I pass him, he goes, you know he survived.
17:36Like, I'm sorry, dude.
17:37What do you want me to do?
17:38There's cameras in the hallway.
17:44And then I saw Thatcher.
17:45I saw him, like, a week after that.
17:47And he was outside, throwing shoes over the branches.
17:50You know, at full recovery, I guess.
17:54By the way, I just found out what his favorite television show is of all time.
17:57You're not gonna guess.
17:58The view.
18:00But not just his favorite.
18:01Like, he's been to ten tapings.
18:05Anyway, so he's up there fucking trying to chuck shoes over the telephone wire or the branches.
18:11And he sees me.
18:13Somebody told him what had happened.
18:14He goes, oh my god, Ari, you saved my life.
18:19And I was like, it was nothing, man.
18:21Meaning his life was worth.
18:23No, I'm joking.
18:24I'm joking.
18:25He is fucking so unique and interesting.
18:26He's made my life better by being a part of it.
18:28I love that guy.
18:29But I go, don't worry about it.
18:30It's fine.
18:31And he goes, no.
18:32You know, you saved my life.
18:32Is there anything I can do to repay you?
18:33I'm like, you don't have to.
18:35You would have done the same for me.
18:36There's cameras in the hallway.
18:39And he goes, that's nothing you want?
18:40I'm like, no.
18:41Oh, actually though, yes.
18:44There is something that I would like to know.
18:51I have a question for you.
18:53And I would like an honest answer.
18:55And I believe saving your life warrants one answer
18:58that's honest to one question.
19:02And he goes, sure, whatever.
19:03I was like, okay.
19:04You know that smiling homeless guy
19:07that sits in the corner of Tompkins Square Park?
19:09And he goes, Danny?
19:16Yeah, I don't know.
19:17Maybe.
19:17I never got his name.
19:19He goes, the one I pay to blow me?
19:28Yeah, we're probably thinking about the same guy.
19:30Yeah.
19:32And he's like, what's your question?
19:33I'm like, I actually don't have any questions.
19:37Thank you very much, everybody.
19:58Well, we're going to have a fun time tonight.
20:00You guys ready to party?
20:03There we go.
20:05This next guy is literally my oldest friend in comedy.
20:07When I first started, he hired me at the comedy store.
20:11He was like, put in an application.
20:13I'm sure we could make room for you.
20:14And I've known him for 25 years.
20:16He's the most creative man in comedy.
20:18The host of the Duncan Trussell Family Hour.
20:20Please give it up for Mr. Duncan Trussell, everybody.
20:23Thank you so much.
20:29Hi.
20:30Hi.
20:32What's up?
20:33Hi.
20:34Man, it is so cool to be back in New York.
20:39I used to live in Park Slope.
20:41And the last time I was here, I was single.
20:44But now I am a breeder.
20:48I am a full-on breeder.
20:50I have three beautiful kids.
20:54And I love it so much.
20:56And I don't mean to get cheesy at the beginning of this thing.
20:59But it's definitely the best thing that has ever happened to me.
21:05Like, it is the most incredible experience.
21:08Like, you know, like, I'm sure, hopefully your parents said this to you.
21:11When, like, my mom...
21:14Hey, hey, hey.
21:16My mom, when she was a few Chardonnays deep, would say things like,
21:22you can never understand the love I feel for you.
21:27The love a mother feels for her kids.
21:31And you would be like, oh, when is she gonna shut the fuck up?
21:40You took my weed this morning, lady.
21:49But it's true.
21:51That's true.
21:52It's real.
21:52That's, like, it blows your heart open.
21:55Don't get me wrong.
21:56Like, everything you've heard about it in the negative is true.
21:59Like, I'm exhausted right now.
22:01The kids have been keeping us up for the last week, like, on the hour, every hour.
22:06They just wake us up.
22:07And let me tell you, as a parent, the third time you hear your door creak open in the night,
22:17you're like, please, God, let it be a home invader.
22:21Please, God, just blow my fucking brains out, man.
22:27I just want to sleep.
22:29But, you know, it is incredible.
22:33And one of the most amazing things about it is that you end up going places you normally would never
22:41have gone.
22:42And I took my entire family to the Taylor Swift concert film when it came out.
22:53Are there any Swifties here tonight?
22:54Woo!
23:03Just a couple of tepid Swifties in the back.
23:09Yeah.
23:12You didn't really cheer loud enough for her.
23:15You're kind of a traitor just now, you know?
23:19Don't worry.
23:21We're afraid of you more than you're afraid of us.
23:25No, Swifties are terrifying.
23:27Swifties are the ISIS of fandom.
23:29They will fuck you up.
23:31And the story that I'm going to tell tonight, it's essentially a suicide note.
23:37Like, when this comes out, I'm done.
23:39They're going to take me out.
23:41For real.
23:41They will take you out.
23:43Look at Donald Trump's tweet the day of his second assassination attempt.
23:50I hate Taylor Swift.
23:53Three hours later, there's a dude at his golf course with an assault rifle and friendship bracelets.
24:00Like, I'm about to show you a blank space, Mr. President.
24:09Regardless, when I decided to take my family to see the Taylor Swift concert film, I didn't really know much
24:15about Taylor Swift.
24:17Like, obviously, I knew who she was, because if you live on the planet right now, you have to know
24:23who she is, because there's really no escape from her.
24:26I'm sure there are people in caves in the Appalachian Mountains that if you went to their cave and asked
24:33them, you know who Taylor Swift is, right?
24:35They'd be like, yeah, people walk by, you hear fucking music, there's no escaping her.
24:41She's insidious and everywhere.
24:43But, you know, I only knew, like, songs that I'd heard on the radio.
24:49And one thing I definitely didn't know about the Taylor Swift concert film or Taylor Swift is that the movie
24:56itself is two hours and 40 fucking minutes long.
25:03Like, yeah, my wife didn't tell me that until we were in the movie theater and she whispered that to
25:10me.
25:10And, yeah, I disassociated it.
25:14Like, at that moment.
25:17Because, you know, when I strapped in, when I agreed to go, I had very good intentions.
25:23Because when you become a parent, you know, when you become a dad, you really want to live up to
25:29the way your kids see you.
25:31And more than anything, I want to be a good dad.
25:34I want to be a good husband, you know.
25:37I want to prove my mistress wrong.
25:43And show her that the things she says about me are not true.
25:47People can change.
25:48I'm not a piece of shit.
25:50So, yeah.
25:55And, you know, my wife is a Taylor Swift fan.
25:58And, you know, my kids are a Taylor Swift fan.
26:01Like, I'm sure you've heard, this is kind of dark to say during this show, but it's sad.
26:06Sometimes a pregnant doesn't know that she has venereal disease, like chlamydia, gonorrhea, whatever.
26:15And she gives birth and she passes the disease on to the newborn.
26:22You see, this is what my wife has done musically to my children.
26:33She's infected them.
26:35And there's no way out now.
26:37Like, the kids love Taylor Swift and they wanted to go see this movie.
26:42So, I agreed that I would do that.
26:45Now, before I continue to, out of respect for my wife, I must say that when I told her what
26:53I, the story I was going to tell, she said,
26:57Duncan, you will not call Taylor Swift a succubus.
27:03So, okay.
27:07I'm not going to call Taylor Swift a succubus, but I do think she's a vampire.
27:12I do.
27:13I mean that.
27:17Like, I actually think that Taylor Swift was here before any of us were born.
27:24And she's going to be here long after we've died.
27:30And I, now, look, I understand.
27:35When someone makes the vampiric accusation, you should be skeptical.
27:41But if you are questioning what I'm saying, if you don't believe she's a vampire, then I would invite you
27:48to go and stream the Taylor Swift concert film.
27:53You don't have to make it through the entire film.
27:56You just have to make it through the first three minutes.
28:01Now, watch, after Taylor Swift, the girl next door, descends from a sinister obsidian cube, like a Saturnian cube, an
28:15occult cube, like the kind of cubes that are no doubt all over Jeffrey Epstein's island.
28:20And just a weird, unnecessary black cube, she then points to sections of the audience, and they cheer.
28:31Now, I know this isn't remarkable.
28:33This happens at any show.
28:35But this isn't normal cheering.
28:39This is the sort of cheering you might expect from a mob of cultists gathered at the base of a
28:49dark pyramid in some cursed forest where, at the top, a robed figure was driving a dagger into a toddler's
29:00face.
29:00This is terrifying.
29:26See with my eye, bastard.
29:34terrifying and again i knew nothing i know i didn't know that this was part of the taylor
29:41swift fandom i didn't know there was some hp lovecraft eldritch demonic fucking cult i had no
29:48idea so so i'm watching this and and and then i i realize what i'm seeing and watch this because
29:57maybe for the first time in 4k you can watch a vampire feed you see her drain their energy you
30:09see it
30:09she gets bigger she
30:21she inflates or something and
30:26you know at this point as i'm as i'm taking all this data in as i'm sort of reconsidering
30:32everything thinking about late stage capitalism thinking about the kali yuga thinking about the
30:38book of revelation thinking about oh my god it's true it's all true like this is the apocalypse that
30:43i'm living inside of is i'm taking all that in i'm also you know for the first time listening to
30:50a lot
30:51of her songs in a row and i i realized that taylor swift doesn't sing a bunch of different songs
31:01actually taylor swift sings one very long song it's the same song and this song goes
31:14worked out
31:15but it didn't work out then worked out but it didn't work out worked out but it didn't work out
31:23worked out but it didn't work out worked out but it didn't work out worked out but it didn't work
31:31out
31:31champagne but it didn't work out on and on and on and on relentless and that's when i saw it
31:44taylor swift is not pop music taylor swift is death metal disguised as pop music it's death
31:59metal that's what she's doing it really is the most insidious form of satanic rock and roll
32:05that has ever existed because she might as well be up there going
32:13worked out but it didn't work out
32:20i am a 15 000 year old vampire
32:29who disguises herself as the girl next door so as not to alienate my female fans
32:39and to make the men in the audience think they could fuck me
32:49do you really think that you could fuck me
33:08i'm a billionaire workaholic again
33:13maintain stable relationships
33:18and when i crush the hearts of my lovers i turn their sorrow into money
33:37worked out but it didn't work out
33:47thank you thank you thank you so much
33:52thank you
33:55we left that movie
33:59made it through the whole thing
34:03it was a quiet car ride home
34:09and then the next day in the morning i gathered the family together
34:13and i told them that
34:15because of that movie
34:18i realized that
34:21satan was far more deceptive than i ever imagined
34:25that
34:25in my mind satan was someone who paraded around in dark robes
34:30you know i always pictured satanism as a bunch of billionaires wearing animal masks
34:37fucking in some mansion in front of candles
34:41but then i saw satan is
34:43in a very subtle way inundated the
34:47mainstream
34:48and
34:51i had a bible out
34:52i read some verses from the bible
34:54and
34:56yeah it was that moment i gave my heart to jesus christ
34:59and
35:02and i moved the whole family up to a survival shelter in oregon
35:07where we're currently living
35:09i get visited by an angel a silver angel
35:12that has shown me that in the year 2027
35:17civilization as we know it will cease to exist
35:20new york city will be no more
35:21and the real reason i did this show
35:23was to warn you guys you should get out of here fast
35:26thank you so much
35:28thank you
35:28thank you
35:31praise jesus
35:32jesus is my savior
35:42tuck your trust one more time everybody
35:44thank you
35:45praise jesus
35:47he's mocking my religion
35:50praise jesus
35:51i'm just giving it up it's a beautiful dress
35:54um
35:55it's not a dress
35:56or whatever outfit
35:57it's blasphemy
35:59i love how it's
36:00easy
36:00easily be like
36:02please don't do that
36:03please don't
36:04no please don't do that
36:05all right
36:06sorry
36:082027
36:09if you're gonna stay
36:11there's a lot you should get
36:12there's just
36:13if you're gonna stay
36:14you're gonna die
36:15and don't
36:16don't
36:17this is
36:17why would you have that on
36:18do you remember we used to set a crowd at a comedy store
36:21every set he would do
36:23he would end his show
36:24this is when we were open micers
36:25he'd go
36:25thanks that's it for me
36:26by the way
36:27there's gonna be a major earthquake this week
36:31and
36:32eventually you're right
36:33in l.a
36:34once a year it was
36:36and you knew everyone in that audience
36:37like wait
36:37how did that guy
36:39how did that guy know
36:40but that that was before i found jesus
36:43and i mean this now
36:45you gotta get out of new york
36:47it's coming
36:48watch the skies
36:57talk and trust it one more time everybody
36:59thank you
37:00thank you
37:02thank you
37:03thank you
37:03thank you
37:04thank you
37:05thank you
37:05thank you
37:13you guys ready for the next comedian
37:17nice nice
37:18uh
37:19you know i'm as half of the we might be drunk podcast
37:21and tuesday the story
37:22and my friend from protect our parks
37:24one of the funniest guys in america
37:25mr mark norman
37:35hey hey
37:37comedy huh
37:39all right
37:39how about re krishna
37:41huh
37:41okay
37:43sorry i've been sitting on that for about six hours
37:44um
37:47all right
37:48okay
37:48all right
37:49this is cool
37:50what a room
37:51this is fun
37:51uh
37:52it's good to be here in uh
37:53new york city
37:54what a day
37:55i should
37:56i should preface
37:56i'm from uh louisiana
37:58originally
37:58you know
37:59i'm from like louisiana
38:01i uh
38:02i really
38:03really new orleans it up
38:04you know
38:05i got a dui when i was 13
38:06which is
38:07that's like our bar mitzvah
38:08over there
38:10yeah
38:10it's gonna cost a lot of money from the family
38:12and it'll make a man out of you
38:15but you know
38:16we lived it up
38:17it's a fun town
38:17it's a drinking town
38:18it's like vegas with culture
38:19i always say new orleans is like a dad
38:21who does drugs
38:22and sells drugs
38:24but doesn't drive you to school
38:25so your friends are like
38:26hey this is awesome
38:27i'm like yeah but you don't live here
38:28you know
38:30i could use a hug and a vegetable
38:33but i grew up in the 90s
38:35and so i made friends with all these kids
38:38and uh white people
38:40in the 90s
38:42were pretty wild
38:43you know
38:44you remember that
38:45remember white boys
38:47how fucking nuts they were
38:49like you see white boys now
38:50and they're all like sorry
38:51i did a lot of stuff
38:53and i have to acknowledge my privilege
38:55and i'm toxic
38:56but white boy
38:57we didn't know about any of that
38:58so we just did acid
38:59and vandalized shit
39:01we drank and drove
39:02and like fucked with old people
39:04it was
39:05it was a real heyday
39:06for the honky
39:07back in the 90s
39:08we had a good time
39:09i'm not saying it was all good
39:10but uh
39:11you know you see like
39:11shia labeouf
39:12or fucking mel gibson
39:14have a meltdown
39:14and like
39:15we were like
39:15that's crazy
39:16i'm like
39:16that was like a tuesday
39:17for my friend chris
39:18you know
39:18just get drunk
39:20and do ghb
39:20and go nuts
39:21at a grocery store
39:22and we would just laugh
39:23yeah
39:24kanye
39:25he's like
39:25oh he's wearing a klan hood
39:26and the swastika
39:27i'm like
39:27my friend did that
39:28every halloween
39:29you know
39:30that was nothing
39:32nothing
39:33but it was a different time
39:35the 90s baby
39:36so me and my jerk off buddies
39:38we uh
39:39we got together
39:39and that was
39:401999
39:42the millennium
39:44y2k
39:45remember that
39:46that was big
39:47y2k
39:48that was a scare
39:49you know
39:49it was new year's
39:50was coming up
39:50everybody thought
39:51the world was gonna end
39:52and all the computers
39:53were gonna shut down
39:53it was this ominous
39:55scary
39:56uncertain time
39:57so we said
39:58hey look
39:59we're from new orleans
40:00it's uh
40:011999
40:02we're all gonna die tomorrow
40:03let's go to bourbon street
40:04and live it up
40:05so me and five guys
40:07went down to bourbon street
40:08and
40:09two of my friends
40:10just got fake ids
40:11so they're like
40:11hey we're gonna go
40:12we're gonna go get drunk
40:14and uh
40:15buy booze
40:15and it'll be fun
40:16and me and my other two friends
40:17were like
40:18ah
40:18we're gonna look at the tits
40:20that's a new orleans thing
40:21on the balconies
40:23women just flash
40:24and this is pre-pornhub
40:25so this was like
40:27HD
40:27you know
40:29we're gonna just plant it right here
40:31and look at these cans
40:32and we're 16
40:33you know
40:34what the fuck do we know
40:35we've been beer drinking all night
40:36and really uh
40:37pre-gaming
40:37so my two friends leave
40:39this was kind of before cell phones
40:41so like
40:41they left
40:42and it wasn't like
40:43hey where you at
40:44we just
40:45they were just gone
40:46you know
40:47I still haven't talked to them
40:48I don't know where they are
40:50no idea what they're doing now
40:52so
40:53I'm walking down with my two buddies
40:55we're pretty sloppy
40:56I just see this woman on a
40:58on a balcony
40:59with a jeans on
41:01no shirt
41:01and a leather jacket
41:02just open
41:03and she's just walking around
41:04and uh
41:05she was an older lady
41:06pretty hot
41:06and I was like
41:07oh man
41:08look at that
41:08holy shit
41:09so I was just glued to this woman
41:10my friend's like
41:11come on let's go
41:12and I'm like
41:12look at this lady
41:13she's hot
41:13she's old
41:14she looks like
41:14she you know
41:15she looked like Jennifer Aniston
41:16after a fist fight
41:17I'd say you know
41:19she'd seen a few winters
41:20I'd say 55
41:21something like that
41:24but uh
41:24yeah
41:24I just couldn't stop staring at her
41:26and she caught me
41:27she caught my eye
41:28and she was like
41:29what's up with you
41:29and I was like
41:30oh nothing
41:30I'm scared
41:31it's an adult
41:32you know
41:32and I'm just some retarded kid
41:34like oh
41:35don't mind me
41:36you old bag
41:37you know
41:39so she kind of goes
41:40hey you guys want to come up
41:41and we were like
41:42oh my god
41:43this woman is talking to us
41:44this is crazy
41:44it was the Ramada Hotel
41:45I'll never forget
41:46so we go
41:47yeah we want to come up
41:48so we go to the hotel
41:49they're like
41:49well you can't come in
41:50you're children
41:51you know
41:52we don't know who you are
41:53and we're like
41:54ah shit
41:54that's a good point
41:55so then we went back
41:56and I'm like
41:56they won't let me up
41:57I'm sorry
41:58she goes
41:58well I'm coming down
41:59so we're like
42:00oh my god
42:00this lady's gonna come down
42:01and talk to us
42:02she's got tits
42:03this is wild
42:03you know
42:05so she comes down
42:06and she goes
42:06hey you kids want to come up
42:07and throw some beads
42:08and you know
42:08she was being very maternal
42:09and I was like
42:10oh this lady doesn't want to do anything
42:11but her jacket's open
42:13and flapping in the wind
42:14and I don't know what came over me
42:16Y2K
42:17the world's gonna end
42:18I had a few
42:20Michelobes
42:20and I put my hand on her shoulder
42:21and I go
42:22I don't want to go in a 2000 and virgin
42:24and she goes
42:25well I won't let you
42:29so I've already came
42:32yes
42:33that was enough for me
42:34I'm rock hard
42:35I'm freaking out
42:36heart's pumping
42:37I'm dry mouth
42:38I'm going nuts
42:39so I was like
42:40oh okay
42:41alright
42:41so she walks us into the hotel
42:42she goes
42:43I'm gonna get some ice
42:43you guys go up to room 239
42:46I'll never forget
42:46so we're like
42:47oh my god
42:48okay
42:48so we get in the elevator
42:49right when the doors close
42:50we're all like
42:50what the fuck is going on
42:52holy shit
42:53we're freaking out
42:54and we get to room 239
42:56we wait there
42:57we wait there
42:57finally she shows up
42:58she's got the ice
42:59she puts the key in the door
43:01opens it up
43:02the door swings open
43:03there's an old man
43:05with a white beard
43:06a Harley Davidson hat
43:07and a leather jacket
43:08sitting staring at the door
43:09and I was like
43:10well
43:10we're gonna get fucked
43:11then killed
43:12alright
43:14that's it
43:14we're done
43:15there we go
43:16we're dead
43:17here we go
43:18bah
43:19it's the 90s
43:20what else are we doing
43:21let's see what happens
43:22with this old piece of shit
43:25so he goes
43:26alright alright
43:26let's see
43:27which one is it
43:28and she points to me
43:29and he goes
43:30alright you two
43:31out on the balcony
43:32I got a cooler of beer
43:33out there
43:33some liquor
43:34let's get drunk
43:35my friends are like
43:36alright let's do it
43:37that's all it took
43:38so they go out on the balcony
43:39he closes the two French doors
43:41the woman goes up
43:43hits the blinds
43:43and now I'm in the room with her
43:45just me and her
43:46I'm freaking out
43:47meanwhile it's winter
43:48I'm wearing jeans
43:49a sweater
43:49a button down
43:50a jacket
43:51she's like
43:52why don't you get more comfortable
43:53and I was like
43:53alright
43:53so I took off the jacket
43:55yeah
43:57and she goes
43:58how do you want to do this
43:59and I go
44:00wow
44:01I'm trying to be cool
44:02you know
44:02I'm like well
44:03I'll take a blowjob first
44:04and she goes
44:05well I don't give blowjobs
44:06and I remember thinking
44:07you fuck kids off the street
44:08you don't give blowjobs
44:11that was the first thought I had
44:13and then I realized
44:13shit I think I said that out loud
44:16so that was bad
44:18she goes
44:18alright
44:19I'm gonna go powder my nose
44:20or whatever
44:20whatever they said in the 30s
44:22I don't know
44:23and so she leaves
44:25she's like
44:25I'm gonna get more comfortable
44:26you get comfortable
44:27and I was like
44:27alright
44:28I took the jacket off
44:28took my shoes off
44:29took my pants off
44:30but I got a sweater on
44:31and boxers
44:32she comes out
44:33completely naked
44:34she looked great
44:36holy shit
44:37I'm freaking out
44:38she goes
44:38do you have a condom
44:39and I go
44:39you're damn right
44:40I have a condom
44:40I'm a goddamn adult male
44:42open my wall
44:44I pull out a piece
44:45of fucking taffy
44:46from the Reagan era
44:47I mean
44:48this thing was yellow
44:49and wiggly
44:50and so she's like
44:52Jesus Christ
44:53hang on
44:53she opens a drawer
44:54she's got lube
44:55butt plugs
44:56ticklers
44:56you know
44:58vibrators
44:58dildos
44:59you name it
44:59whips
45:00whatever
45:00so she takes out a condom
45:02and she goes
45:03alright
45:04I'll put it on you
45:05and I was like
45:06okay
45:06and I was so nervous
45:07I just put my dick
45:09through the boxers
45:10I couldn't
45:11I couldn't get naked
45:12I was too scared
45:14I don't know why
45:14I couldn't pull my pants down
45:16I just
45:17so my balls
45:18and pubes are hidden
45:19I don't know
45:20I felt better that way
45:22I'm a child
45:23god damn it
45:24so
45:25so I was like
45:26oh boy
45:27alright
45:27so we had sex
45:28for a while
45:28we really went at it
45:29and uh
45:30yeah I think she really
45:31wanted to get pounded
45:33because she's with
45:34this old geezer
45:35and uh
45:35you know
45:36he probably can't get it up
45:37but I'm
45:37you know
45:38a little boy
45:39so
45:41I was good to go baby
45:43so we really
45:44uh
45:44went at it
45:44and you know
45:45a couple hours went by
45:46and I remember
45:47we finished
45:47she's laying next to me
45:49and uh
45:50a commercial came on
45:51with like a family
45:52and I remember
45:53thinking about my parents
45:54and
45:54what the hell am I doing
45:56I'm sitting next to this
45:57old
45:59geriatric hooker
46:00what the fuck
46:00is wrong with me
46:01she's smoking
46:02and I'm like
46:03I just had a wave
46:04of shame
46:05just like
46:05oh
46:06I gotta get the fuck
46:07out of here
46:07what have I done
46:08so I go
46:09I'm gonna get out of here
46:10we gotta go
46:11blah blah blah
46:11and she's like
46:12what
46:12we should do this again
46:13let's uh
46:14let's keep in touch
46:14and I was like
46:15ah you know
46:16this is a one time
46:17she's like
46:18no let's keep it here
46:18here take my number
46:19and I was like
46:20alright I'll take your number
46:21I don't want you having
46:21my house phone
46:23you know
46:25so
46:26so yeah I'll take your number
46:27alright there you go
46:28really cool
46:28nice lady
46:29very nice lady
46:29and uh
46:31I said I'm like
46:31Trump there for a second
46:32very nice
46:33nice lady
46:34um
46:35so
46:36I put my pants on
46:37I'm getting dressed real quick
46:38and I open the French doors
46:39and my friends just fall in
46:41they are shithouse
46:42they've been drinking for hours
46:43doing shots
46:44chugging beers
46:44so my friends are like
46:45I got sloppy seconds
46:47ah
46:47and I'm like
46:48we're getting the fuck out of here
46:49I jazzy Jeff his ass
46:50right into the hallway
46:51we get the hell out of there
46:53we get a cab
46:54cab home
46:56uh
46:56to my friend's mom's apartment
46:58phone rings at like 7am
47:01it's the other guys
47:02they
47:02they called the house
47:03or the apartment
47:04and uh
47:05my friend answered
47:06and they go
47:07the guy goes
47:07you're not gonna believe
47:08what happened to us last night
47:09and I go
47:10give me that fucking phone
47:12you're not gonna believe
47:13what happened to me last night
47:14and they go
47:15oh we got you beat
47:16I was like
47:16no no
47:17we got you beat
47:17and he goes
47:18we met two college chicks
47:20and fingered them
47:21and I go
47:22that's nothing
47:23I got raped
47:27statutory baby
47:29come on
47:38I love that story
47:39because it's the best
47:40losing your virginity story
47:42I've ever heard in my life
47:43oh thanks
47:43yeah she was a real
47:44catcher's mitt
47:48she was uh
47:49weathered
47:50I mean thank god
47:51she's dead
47:52because
47:52oh yeah
47:53definitely
47:54definitely dead
47:56gotta be
47:57if you're out there lady
47:59don't call me
48:01I think we were
48:02talking about it once
48:03we were on the street
48:03COVID or something
48:05you were telling me this
48:05and we were like
48:06oh
48:07a lot of people think
48:08like your whole
48:08like sexual
48:09like existence
48:11has been formed
48:11by this moment
48:12maybe it really affected you
48:14and you're like
48:17well no one cares
48:19about like a female pedophile
48:20you know
48:21like male pedophiles
48:22we got it down
48:23like burning hell
48:24female pedophiles
48:25we're like
48:25where was that
48:26when I was younger
48:26yeah
48:28I'd like to say
48:29that I do care
48:29about female pedophiles
48:31all female pedophiles
48:33lives matter
48:34but don't you feel
48:34like every time
48:35you turn on the news
48:35there's some skank
48:36in Tampa
48:37fucking an 8th grader
48:38yeah
48:39and we all go
48:40hey look at that
48:40it's always Tampa
48:42too
48:42always Florida
48:43always
48:44Florida really runs the thing
48:45and they never show the kid
48:49I want to see that kid
48:52I've seen the kids
48:53it's always like
48:54they have that
48:55little early mustache
48:56and you're like
48:57yeah they could pass
48:58they could pass the 22
49:00all right
49:01all right
49:01thank you sir
49:02Mark Norman you guys
49:03thank you very much
49:05worked out but it didn't work out
49:13I am a 15,000 year old vampire
49:20that disguises herself as the girl
49:27next door
49:37on your knees in a hot air balloon
49:40tears in your eyes
49:45he wanted me to marry you
49:49tie the balloon knot
49:51and make me your wife
49:53but
49:53I only go where I'm invited
49:57but I don't want to be here
50:01now that I've absorbed your essence
50:05it's time for me to disappear
50:07I only go where I'm invited
50:18you bring your children to my show
50:25let's go
50:28oops I did it again
50:31there's a million dollars
50:33where there used to be a boyfriend
50:39it worked out
50:41but it didn't work out
50:43you bring your children
50:45hoard
50:53comport証
50:54100
50:555
50:5510
50:557
50:554
50:553
50:5510
51:0410
51:18Oops! I did it again!
51:22There's a million dollars where there used to be a boyfriend!
51:32I left a wallet there.
51:36Yo, guys! Check this out!
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