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Taskmaster - Champion of Champions IV (2025) [Full Movie] [Long Version]Full EP - Full
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00:02BIRDS CHIRP
00:30Stop it on me!
01:02APPLAUSE
01:08Hello! Hello!
01:12Thank you, welcome, I'm Greg Davis.
01:15Imagine, if you will, a world where the greatest from any era
01:19could be pitted against one another.
01:22Peek Muhammad Ali clashing with the raging youth of Tyson.
01:25Borg trading rally upon rally with Federer.
01:28Simone Biles and Olga Corbett throwing impossible shapes
01:32on the same bars.
01:33Ooh, it's a tantalising prospect, isn't it?
01:36Now, forget all that and let's see some comedians
01:39doing stupid stuff.
01:41Welcome to the Taskmaster, champion of champions!
01:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:46Please welcome back the winners from series 16 to 20,
01:52Andy Zaltzman!
01:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:55John Robin!
01:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:58Mae Zianna!
01:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:01Matthew Baker!
02:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:03And Sam Campbell!
02:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:08And next to me, a man who tells me that,
02:10unlike the vast majority of the United Kingdom,
02:13he found the felling of the sycamore gap tree
02:16absolutely hilarious.
02:18LAUGHTER
02:19It's...
02:20He-he-he!
02:22Little Alex Hart!
02:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:27Hello, Greg, hello everyone.
02:29It's the champion of champions.
02:31It must be a tough, tough prize category, am I right?
02:34Oh, he's always right, although he dresses to the left.
02:37LAUGHTER
02:38And the prize category is The Biggest Betrayal.
02:43Ooh!
02:43Yes.
02:43The audience were right to ooh, enough respect.
02:47Greg will give five points for The Biggest Betrayal
02:49in what is probably the only time ever
02:51that celebrities being duplicitous on television
02:53are rewarded and celebrated.
02:55Hmm.
02:56Right, let us begin.
02:58Hello, Andy.
02:59Hello, Greg.
03:00What betrayal have you brought in for this,
03:02most auspicious of occasions?
03:03Well, I brought in the official Taskmaster book.
03:07OK, well, this is the book.
03:08So, there you go.
03:09Definitive Truth.
03:10Definitive Truth.
03:11The real story by the real star.
03:15LAUGHTER
03:17But the real betrayal is...
03:19I'm going to have to take you to the index, Greg.
03:21Look at that.
03:22Oh.
03:23Not a single mention, mate.
03:24But this...
03:26LAUGHTER
03:31It hurts big time.
03:32It's a big betrayal.
03:33It's a big betrayal.
03:34It's a strong opener.
03:36Can you beat that, John?
03:37A book?
03:37Because it doesn't even mention me.
03:39Would it not impress you more
03:40to betray the only person on Earth
03:43you want to be betrayed?
03:45Alex, two months ago, you received an email from me.
03:48Here it is.
03:49Sorry to ask, but my pal is running a charity auction
03:51and he's a Big Horn section fan, as if...
03:54LAUGHTER
03:55..and you sought out a few signed posters.
03:58Cheers, mate.
03:58And I think I did provide the posters.
04:00Yes, you did.
04:00So what there was was a Horn section show
04:03in the Aylesbury Waterside Theatre.
04:07Yeah, we're doing quite well.
04:08Yeah.
04:09So I added Alex's signed posters for the audience
04:13to see as they walked into the show,
04:15but I did annotate them somewhat with my own messages.
04:19First off, a career low.
04:22LAUGHTER
04:25Aylsbury is a syphilis hotspot.
04:27LAUGHTER
04:30Only here to escape our Harrodin wives.
04:34LAUGHTER
04:35Exemplary.
04:36APPLAUSE
04:37Exemplary.
04:38Strong. This is strong. Who's next? Maisie?
04:41Well, I've not betrayed either of you.
04:43I have betrayed my fellow competitors.
04:47Ooh.
04:48Ooh.
04:49Yes.
04:50So there's a lot of chat forums where people want to know
04:53behind-the-scenes goss about comedians,
04:57specifically some of you guys.
04:59And the day I came home from winning my series,
05:02I set up a fake account on this chat forum
05:05to contribute scathing rumours about these lovely men.
05:11LAUGHTER
05:13All right.
05:15APPLAUSE
05:15So...
05:18Somebody was basically wanting some tea on the UK comedy scene,
05:21so I came straight in with, well, before a gig,
05:24Andy Zaltzman kept asking if tampons were a myth.
05:27LAUGHTER
05:28And then I thought I'd add in, with my good friend Matt Bainton here,
05:31I also worked with Matt Bainton, and when I said I liked football,
05:34he made me list the starting eleven of the past five FA Cup winners.
05:39LAUGHTER
05:39Luckily for you, I didn't discuss you on the chat forum.
05:43Erm, I discussed you in, erm, the very big WhatsApp group
05:46that is for female comedians.
05:51Here we go!
05:53LAUGHTER
05:54I mean, I said, first of all, Sam Campbell referred to me
05:57as that lady comic throughout the entire time of working together.
06:00Oh, my God.
06:00LAUGHTER
06:01That's...
06:01That's Lou Sanders.
06:03Lou Sanders is my landlord.
06:05LAUGHTER
06:08Disappointing but not surprising.
06:10LAUGHTER
06:11And John Robbins starts all of his sentences around women
06:14with the phrase,
06:15as one of the few good men left in comedy.
06:19LAUGHTER
06:19Is this Kath...
06:20That's Katherine Ryan.
06:21Yeah.
06:22Saying gross.
06:24Saying gross.
06:25And you didn't tell them it was a wind-up, you just put...
06:28No.
06:28It's...
06:29LAUGHTER
06:30This is lovely.
06:32Matthew.
06:33Well, I felt the biggest possible betrayal here
06:36would be to betray this show.
06:39Oh!
06:40On a very big public scale, so this is what I did.
06:46LAUGHTER
06:48I wonder if you could possibly have thrown that way.
06:53LAUGHTER
06:55LAUGHTER
06:56Yeah.
06:57APPLAUSE
07:00That is nice and, I would say, expensive.
07:03Yeah.
07:04£750.
07:05Ooh!
07:06LAUGHTER
07:06The scale of it is lovely.
07:09Yeah.
07:10Sam?
07:10Well, yeah.
07:11I think it is a betrayal
07:12that there is only one female comedian on this entire dais.
07:16Yeah.
07:16So, you listen here, Mr. Alex Horne,
07:19and you listen here, Mr. Greg Walters...
07:22..G...
07:22..Davis.
07:23LAUGHTER
07:25Cos I think it's about time someone taught you
07:28the alphabet.
07:30A to Z.
07:32LAUGHTER
07:36I go on a shopping spree
07:38with Aisling B.
07:39And Bridget Christie
07:40makes my eyes misty.
07:42Oh, Catherine Boha,
07:43you are just so smart.
07:44Dame Ender
07:45should have been played by a woman.
07:47Oh, the colour may be giddy like that ever city.
07:49Fatia Elgory has best Instagram stories.
07:51You can't hold a candle to our Grace Campbell.
07:54I'm crying in my silence
07:59on female comedian.
08:04Harriet Kemsley,
08:05hope you're getting your REM sleep
08:06while joking on putty
08:07from sweet Izzy Sadi.
08:09Put your hands on the air
08:10for Jenny Eclair.
08:11There should be a monument
08:12to Gary Goleman.
08:14Lucy Beaumont,
08:15this is your moment.
08:16Forget Aladdin,
08:17wish to see Meziato.
08:18Natasha Dimitri,
08:19every TV show should feature you.
08:21Female comedians,
08:21I want you to hold me accountable.
08:23Sketch Cozo Golda,
08:25cos I'm Olivia Colman.
08:26Patty Harrison,
08:27there is no comparison.
08:28Queen Latifah
08:29is in some comedy movies.
08:31Rosie Jones,
08:32I wanna make words.
08:33Sarah Millican,
08:34make another from silicon.
08:35Tati McLeod,
08:37is cloning allowed?
08:38Can I get a multi-pack
08:39of a rouge ash rack?
08:41And what about the female comedians
08:42from other planets?
08:43Vorg,
08:44is talking the talk.
08:45She's got a new polka,
08:47sharing her thoughts.
08:48Pochita Koala,
08:49you're a comedy master.
08:50I'd like to pick your brains
08:51over a tikka masala.
08:53Sontorial Zork,
08:54I heard your polka arts with Vorg.
08:55Man you guys,
08:56have such a nice talk.
08:58Yip it's a new,
08:59your last special was you.
09:00I heard you instead of laughing,
09:02you goof.
09:03Zoe Lyons,
09:04broader sky horizons,
09:05I'm breaking my silence.
09:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
09:19OK.
09:23Who are you portraying?
09:27Oh, I brought in a special,
09:30a special glove.
09:31Yeah, this is what Sam
09:32has actually brought in.
09:34LAUGHTER
09:37OK.
09:40OK.
09:42Can I go back to my original question?
09:45Who are you portraying?
09:47No, no,
09:48I'm saying that we feel
09:49betrayed by you
09:50and your nasty little boys club.
09:52LAUGHTER
09:54And a lot of them
09:56have been on Taskmaster.
09:58That is a good point.
09:59LAUGHTER
10:01Well, here are my scores.
10:03You ready?
10:04Cool.
10:04I'm going to give Sam
10:05one point
10:06because I don't think
10:07you know who you've portrayed.
10:09Andy Zaltzman,
10:10two points,
10:11seems fair.
10:13John,
10:13three points.
10:14Matthew Bainton,
10:15four points
10:16because I like the scale of it.
10:17And who else
10:18can I give five points to
10:20but Maisie Adam?
10:20Well done, Maisie Adam,
10:21she wins the title!
10:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
10:26All right, let's let this
10:27firmest battle begin!
10:28Oh yes,
10:29and first up,
10:30it's Verses
10:31followed by Curses.
10:33Ooh!
10:39MUSIC PLAYS
10:41MUSIC PLAYS
10:42MUSIC PLAYS
10:46MUSIC PLAYS
10:48MUSIC PLAYS
10:49MUSIC FADES
10:50Hi Maisie.
10:51John Robbins.
10:52Alex Horne.
10:57Ta-da!
10:58There he is. Hello, Andy.
11:00Hello.
11:03Hi, Sam. How have you been since the victory?
11:07Yeah, good. I haven't had any acting work.
11:09Would you say that's a coincidence or...?
11:14I've got to ask, how's your back?
11:15Yeah, all right, OK.
11:17I did wrestling. I wasn't dressed as a nun when I did that.
11:20But I landed on me back, so that's happened. Great.
11:23I'm a drugged-up nun with a guitar, essentially.
11:28Write, memorise and perform
11:30the most powerful poem about being a champion.
11:33You must perform the entirety of your poem sat on the special chair.
11:36You have 15 minutes to write and memorise your poem,
11:39then a maximum of five minutes to perform it.
11:42Most powerful champion poem performance wins.
11:45Your time starts now.
11:48Can't be that difficult. Shakespeare churned him out, didn't he?
11:51There is a whiff of Shakespeare about you. You kid.
11:54I used to write a lot of poetry back in the day.
11:57I would write lots of pretty moving poems
11:59about girls who didn't fancy me.
12:01Oh, did that change?
12:02No. Lady repellent.
12:04This is how I'll remember it.
12:06I think they're called acrostic poems.
12:08I'll defo remember it,
12:09cos I've just got to remember what it is I'm spelling,
12:12which is going to be champion.
12:14OK, so now it's just learning time.
12:16Mm-hm.
12:17I need more time.
12:18I need more time!
12:21I need more time!
12:23Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
12:35I see.
12:36It's not a chair.
12:37A chair is something you sit on.
12:39That's the chair.
12:39That is not a definition of a chair.
12:41It's a chair. It's a special chair.
12:42It's not a chair.
12:44APPLAUSE
12:48Well, well, well.
12:50Seeing them all come in one by one,
12:51it really did make me question my judgements over the series.
12:56The sister bad back and the four troubles.
13:00Let's have a look.
13:01First to orate and gyrate, yes, in those shorts...
13:05..it's Matthew Bainton.
13:07I'm going to swing on this way for obvious reasons.
13:10LAUGHTER
13:15OK.
13:17A champion wins.
13:19A champion...
13:20Fuck yeah.
13:22A champion wins.
13:23A champion defeats.
13:26A champion destroys.
13:28A champion...
13:29..never cheats.
13:32But after the battle...
13:34After the fight...
13:36What keeps a champion up at night?
13:38The champion's burden.
13:40The champion's...
13:42The champion's burden.
13:44The champion's curse.
13:45When all is done,
13:47there can be...
13:48Only one!
13:50Only one!
13:51LAUGHTER
13:56APPLAUSE
14:00APPLAUSE
14:02Pretty powerful, Scott.
14:04Because it's not just about what it takes to be a champion,
14:06it's about what it costs to be a champion.
14:08And what it costs is your acting career.
14:10Yes.
14:12Despite the ghoulies, it was a strong poem.
14:15OK, one part of our final is done,
14:17and it's so good to have our old friends back.
14:19Yes, it is.
14:20In fact, I put together a little highlight reel,
14:22and I thought we could watch that before the break.
14:24If you'd like to see it, Greg.
14:25Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
14:27Why don't you just marry them?
14:28Here's some adverts.
14:35APPLAUSE
14:40Hello.
14:41Welcome back to this tremendous tussle of the Tusk Titans.
14:45Yes, and it's nice to see Sam Campbell again too, isn't it?
14:48So...
14:49Before the break, they were performing the most powerful poem
14:52about being a champion whilst riding a bucking bronco.
14:56Now, back on the ball we go with...
14:59Randy Zaltzman.
15:04Are you wearing a box?
15:06Yes, I am.
15:08The world where once the penguin feared to tread,
15:12now bestrode by this titan of Tarskmerian fate,
15:16who wields the sacred willow,
15:19and on his head that helmet showing the world that's...
15:27Where have we got to?
15:30Showing the world.
15:32It's never too late to grasp from the chasm of eternal gloom
15:36a sprig of hope,
15:37or thus, the champion of series 18
15:38who sprang in triumph from human womb.
15:41Proof of all the victory can be seen,
15:43even in a hero who's over 50.
15:45Ah!
15:47Fucking...
15:47Oh, shit!
15:52Oh, shit!
15:53Vic!
15:55I'm still holding onto it.
15:56You're fine, you're fine.
15:57A victory can be seen,
15:58even in a hero who's over 50,
16:01balding, quite out of shape and locks,
16:03in Alex Horne's dark and task-filled harrowing room.
16:08The end.
16:09Finish?
16:10You're finished, mate.
16:12Thank you for the choir, Mandy.
16:13You're an evil fucking bastard.
16:17APPLAUSE
16:21Well, it was supposed to be a poet doing a powerful performance.
16:26Honestly, what I've written down is it was a bit like watching an old man fail a medical.
16:30LAUGHTER
16:31Well, potato-potato, you know.
16:34Who's next?
16:36Next up, it's the turn of John Robbins to recite his poem
16:39whilst having his nipples tossed all over the place.
16:42LAUGHTER
16:45But you can't just need to make one adjustment.
16:49There we go.
16:51Hemberton.
16:53Blessed dweeb of cryptic.
16:55Willan and Mohammed.
16:56Trout-pleasing.
16:58Thick-o-diptic.
16:59McNally.
17:00Pants!
17:02Whee!
17:04Prosecco smile and Monroe nose.
17:07Our champion in Freddy pose.
17:10Hi-ya!
17:13Ow!
17:14Our champion with record score.
17:17Robbins, they cry.
17:19Let it rain once more!
17:24OK.
17:26You got to level one with that one.
17:29On that one, but on other ones, I got to the max, didn't I?
17:33LAUGHTER
17:34APPLAUSE
17:39You were writing about your fellow contestants as well.
17:41Yes.
17:41When you first got on, you said you had to make an adjustment.
17:44Yes.
17:45And I wrote down, I thought that maybe you were putting part of you inside of you.
17:50LAUGHTER
17:52No, I was very much just ensuring that the Robbins lineage of champions can continue.
17:59LAUGHTER
17:59Good. Who's next?
18:01It is the time of Sam Campbell and Maisie.
18:07Oh.
18:09What?
18:10Are you joking?
18:11That's the magic chair?
18:13It's a special chair, yeah.
18:14Special chair.
18:16I've told you I've got a back injury and you thought, yeah, bubber on there.
18:20You look like you're going to give birth.
18:22LAUGHTER
18:24Oh, far out!
18:26Oh, my God.
18:27Life is insane.
18:29Some people say it's a game of snakes and ladders.
18:32Champion of champions.
18:34How did we get here?
18:36Ah!
18:37So many!
18:38Blood, sweat and tears.
18:40A ladder and something happens, not nice!
18:42Many have failed, but not I.
18:46Pushing through, task after task, with my eyes, oh, on the prize.
18:52And the real champions are nurses, and people who designed hospitals,
18:56and people who held troubled teeth.
18:58In pursuit of Big Daddy Greg's approval.
19:02And, of course, Roger Federer and Carlos Alcaraz.
19:05Oh, I'm here to stay.
19:08Ain't no removal.
19:11And I'm going to pass over to Alakon.
19:17Everyone's talking about this guy.
19:18They're not all saying good to you.
19:20Blue Horizons beckon.
19:23Victory again, you reckon?
19:25Would you like me to stop the magic carpet?
19:27Yes.
19:28And that's the life of a champion.
19:32Maisie, thank you for your powerful performance.
19:34You're a lawsuit waiting to happen.
19:36Just so you know.
19:40APPLAUSE
19:44That's honestly one of the saddest things I've ever seen.
19:48You look like you're microwaving me.
19:53I remember it being quicker and thinking, this'll look cool.
19:59It.
20:00Did.
20:00Not.
20:03Sam.
20:03The poem was rubbish.
20:05Yes, it's also not the poem he wrote in the room.
20:07In the room he wrote,
20:08Everyone is a champion.
20:09Roger Federer.
20:10I feel 100%.
20:11My life has been amazing.
20:12Lonely at the top.
20:20It's time to score, Greg.
20:21Well, I sort of felt the same about Andy and Sam's, really.
20:25I could only give them two points because of the criteria of the poem.
20:29Right, two points.
20:30Two points each.
20:31To Sam and Andy.
20:31That's correct.
20:32Now, I do think, you know, you're a physical disadvantage because you had a terrible wrestling injury.
20:37Yes.
20:37But I just don't think we can...
20:39No, I get what you're saying.
20:40You're saying three points and get back in the kitchen.
20:42I hear you.
20:44And then, I think, Matt, you couldn't hold on long enough to give your poem the audience
20:48it deserved, whereas John held on, he slagged off his fellow contestants, and he did it
20:55in a very powerful way.
20:56Four points and five points, and that's an end to it.
20:58Right.
20:58Here we are.
20:59Five points to go on.
21:00There we go.
21:01I'd like to see a champion scoreboard, please.
21:04Three of the champions cannot be wrought apart.
21:07Matt, Maisie and John all have eight points.
21:11Also Andy and Sam are there.
21:13Four and three.
21:15Then let us see the champion's tusks and more.
21:19OK, we've had poetic metres, and now for two more metres in a race against time.
21:41Hey, Matt.
21:45It's cold, Alex.
21:47Hello.
21:48Oh.
21:48How are you?
21:49You look a little bit...
21:51Stiff.
21:52There's your task.
21:54Right by the start line.
21:56Oh, what have you got in store for me?
21:58Oh, don't do this to me.
21:59No!
22:00Oh, you're cruel.
22:03Oh, wow.
22:11You all right?
22:12Win the two metre race.
22:18First to break the tape wins.
22:20You must start the race after the starter's bang and behind the starting line.
22:26If any part of your body moves beyond the starting line...
22:29Or you break the tape before the starter's bang, you are disqualified.
22:36Finally, every time the bike wheel stops spinning, your final time will be doubled.
22:42And throughout the task, you must big yourself up.
22:45Like, give myself compliments and make myself feel nice.
22:49You don't want that wheel to stop.
22:51I know, dude!
22:59Did anyone understand this task?
23:01No.
23:02No, no.
23:03It really did cause confusion, did it?
23:05It's a two metre sprint, that's all you need to know.
23:07Shall we start the race?
23:08Let's start the race.
23:08OK, first up, it's series 17 versus series 19.
23:13That's right, it's Matthew on your marks, Luke and John.
23:18What are you doing?
23:19Taking the bike off so I can ride the bike.
23:21Do you want a tool?
23:23I don't need a tool.
23:24I am a tool.
23:27So there's no other course?
23:29No, this is the course.
23:30It's a two metre running track.
23:32That's it.
23:33I'm the best.
23:35I've got this.
23:36Where's the starter?
23:37I just don't know.
23:38He works independently from me or she.
23:45Why is there someone in there?
23:51OK, I got eight minutes and 19 seconds before the bang.
23:55Right.
23:56But I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing with my time.
23:58Bigging yourself up, John.
23:59Do I need to big myself up any bigger?
24:04It's a waiting, isn't it?
24:06Yeah, but I'm good at waiting.
24:07I'm good at waiting.
24:12That's now safe.
24:13It's secure.
24:14Six.
24:15Five.
24:16Four.
24:17Three.
24:20A specific...
24:27You've completed the course after the bang.
24:30Yeah.
24:33Don't keep that bit in.
24:39Well, I think both men made the mistake of thinking that this task was cleverer than it is, basically.
24:44You even looking for another course at one point, went you.
24:46Yeah.
24:46It was the amount of time.
24:47Yeah.
24:48I've thought about it so much since.
24:50I was sure that I would come here tonight and watch it and find out there was a whole other
24:54aspect.
24:55Waiting, hiding somewhere.
24:57There wasn't.
24:57There wasn't.
24:58It was just really scary.
24:59There wasn't.
25:00You're not going to tell us times now, I wouldn't think.
25:03Let's see some more then.
25:04OK.
25:04Two more men now.
25:05Sorry, Maisie, but they're not particularly manly men, because it's Sam and Andy.
25:11You think you're better than me?
25:13You don't want that wheel...
25:13I'm one of the best ever.
25:15Right.
25:16Oh, he's flying.
25:18Right.
25:19Can I move this?
25:21You do whatever you want.
25:22You've been talking about me behind my back?
25:23I'll tell you why you're behind my back, because you are in my shadow.
25:26And you are nothing to...
25:27And I'll...
25:29Yeah.
25:31I mean, this has been one of the most impressive displays of moving Alex Horn on a bicycle.
25:35Yeah.
25:36Can I move the tape?
25:39No.
25:40Not move the tape.
25:41So you're just going to do that and wait for the bang?
25:43Yeah.
25:44Are you familiar with voodoo dolls?
25:46You piss me off sometimes.
25:48I don't always love talking to you.
25:51Well, the tape's gone now.
25:52Yeah, you've got to stay this side of the starters line.
25:54The starters line?
25:56Oh, shit.
25:58My arm is getting sore, dude.
26:00Is it?
26:01Can I just ask?
26:02Yeah.
26:03So I'll...
26:04The bang will happen, I spin it, then I run.
26:06No, the wheel's got to spin the whole time.
26:08Every time you stop it, your final time has doubled.
26:16I need to find a starter now.
26:19Do you think Baton's doing this?
26:21Oh, Baton's just perfect.
26:23Oh, Baton.
26:23Oh, did you see Baton?
26:25Oh, Baton's just great.
26:29What?
26:29Can you press that?
26:39Oh, I just saw Baton in the play.
26:41It was scrumptious.
26:42Oh, yes.
26:43Oh, yes.
26:45Oh, yes, that's right.
26:49Oh, yes.
26:50Oh, no, yes.
26:54Oh, no.
26:55Oh, no.
26:57Oh, yes, yes, yes.
27:09Oh, no, no, yes.
27:12sarcastically reviewing Matthew Bengtons I think that's like jealousy and green
27:20doesn't look good on me and apologize and it's just yeah jealousy honestly
27:24think you're the thinking woman's crumpet we're halfway through this champion of
27:32champions showdown and already it's incredibly absolutely incredible that
27:37any of them ever won a series Alex is going to do an impression of one of the
27:43Beatles hello Ringo yes it was Ringo it's the man there is one race left her body
28:05might not have been match fit but what about her brain let's find out it is
28:08Maisie Adams we'll just move this closer won't we do your hand because you have
28:16terrible back injuries yeah come on that's it that's it yeah no keep going
28:21right just bob it there bob it here yeah maybe I could tie something to it and then
28:30the moment I hear the bang break it uh-huh could you go and get me some string string
28:36string string great well done am I looking at the starter now no the start is not one of these
28:48people
28:52are you the starter yeah do you do do are you are you sorry oh you've got the button yeah
29:11right three two one you've broken the finish line after the bang very fast see ya thanks Lazy
29:26well you broke the tape must be the first well I think you've done really well
29:31fuck off surely she can't be beaten let's find out well we can see all five running at the same
29:39time yes please it's time for this year's two-meter race three two one
30:06yes Sam your wheels stopped 21 times so we have to double six point one one seconds twenty
30:15one times which works out as two hundred and thirteen thousand five hundred minutes which is 21 weeks
30:28yeah I'm so honestly put that on my gravestone in top-level athletics if you go within point one
30:38second of the gun going off it's considered to be a full start because that's beyond the scope of human
30:43reactions shut the fuck up so Greg are you happy with all the performances I'm happy with all the
30:50performances and nothing Zaltzman can say can change my mind on that in which case Sam gets one point
30:54Andy two John three Matt four but Maisie Adam get five points
31:04one more tough task for our champs to tackle oh yes we do and just like you Greg it's bold
31:10it's big and
31:11it's really very simple
31:27oh wow hello Sam oh who's that it is I Matthew Bainton what the what's going on in here hello
31:37Maisie
31:38hello hello hello okay oh that is good oh right on
31:54be brilliant for a minute most brilliant minute wins you have a total of 20 minutes your time
32:04starts now I mean it just would be tiresome if I got a guitar out again wouldn't it what if
32:09it's all
32:10of history in the minute oh yeah we've got primordial obviously gave people bronze age
32:17huns Attila the hun yes Attila the hun this is good I've got my dear oh I want to play
32:24a game
32:26I mean they say stick to what you know but mostly what I know is cricket stats yeah I'm gonna
32:31go and
32:31have a think all right okay don't look at it it's just too much I think I'm just gonna do
32:43Attila the hun the
32:44yeah however brilliant what we're about to see is for me nothing's gonna be as brilliant as Matthew
32:56blinding himself and then smashing into small okay well two brilliant champions first of all Andy and Maisie
33:22Andy I'm down here Maisie Maisie Maisie
33:57you got three
34:00three seconds right there we go ah none in a bush none in a bush you were in there yeah
34:14being
34:14brilliant at hiding okay thanks Maisie this is a bit of wordplay by you isn't it minute well you just
34:29never know on this show what the hidden meanings are yeah most brilliant minute or most brilliant
34:34minute will yes oh oh I love that little Andy by the way I love little Andy as well he
34:42did lots of
34:43brilliant things thank you Maisie how did you think it went genuinely on the day I thought smash this I
34:55couldn't find her I didn't know what she was doing she left and I couldn't find it and isn't that
34:59brilliant you'd think you'd
35:00spotted none in a bush now she's fully inside the bush I mean they could be
35:11she was fully inside the bush okay who's next now for a man who could do with some even more
35:19brilliant pants
35:19yes it's Matt Bainton
35:48yes it's Matt Bainton
35:49yes it's Matt Bainton
36:18The sun is the most brilliant thing in our solar system.
36:23It is.
36:2435.7 octillion lumens.
36:27The projector at IMAX is only 4,000, so that's crazy.
36:31Sorry, sorry, sorry, there wasn't the facts about the sun.
36:34You dressed... No, there was the sun.
36:35You adapted your face to look like something,
36:37which is also what I did.
36:39And that was critically panned.
36:42But I didn't realise it. Critically panned!
36:47Matthew, I thought it was powerful.
36:48Oh, you would.
36:51There is just one part left for our champions.
36:54Who will win and take my headless body
36:56and attach my head to it, which they already own,
36:59and then what will they do with me?
37:02Oh!
37:04APPLAUSE
37:14Welcome back!
37:15Here we are, then, mere moments from a former champion
37:18rising head and shoulders above the rest
37:20to become the ultra-champ.
37:22But first, let's finish this brilliant task.
37:24We simply must.
37:25And it's time for the final two guys to be brilliant for a minute.
37:29It's Sam and John.
37:36Welcome to the 60-second game show,
37:39where the crew of Taskmaster are going to compete
37:41to get money to their chosen charities.
37:43We've got a minute on the clock.
37:44Alex is going to blow his whistle.
37:46Our crew are going to shout out their charities
37:48and throw the ducks into the buckets, which have...
37:52Didn't... Didn't see that, didn't agree to that,
37:54and that's fine.
37:55Alex, are you ready to be brilliant for a minute?
37:57Yes, please.
37:58OK, let's do some bloody good.
38:00And we're off.
38:01The Hospice of St Francis.
38:03Oh, well, that went in the hundreds.
38:05Did it? Yeah, it did.
38:07Markinsons. Markinsons, that was in.
38:09And as we know, they come out, that counts.
38:12Straight forward in the streets.
38:13Shelter, UK.
38:15Mind mental health.
38:18Well, that was basically it.
38:25Let's get a coffee, please.
38:26Welcome to Attila's,
38:28the cafe where we think Attila the Hun is just so much fun.
38:32We love Attila the Hun!
38:33Kids Against Hunger.
38:35Dream flight.
38:37Or two!
38:38And you helped that one in, and I'm glad.
38:40There you go.
38:41That'll be $3.50.
38:42All right. Card?
38:43Card's great.
38:45Great Ormond Street. Lovely.
38:47Ten seconds left.
38:48And that's counting.
38:49It's nice if someone goes for one of these little red ones.
38:51Not bad. Lovely.
38:53And that's going in...
38:55$150.
38:56And that's $150.
38:57Very generous, John.
38:58Thanks.
39:00It's close to a grand.
39:01It's close to a grand.
39:03And...
39:04Charity matters.
39:06Thanks, John.
39:07There you go.
39:08Thank you so much.
39:08Great. Thank you.
39:10Actually, I'm so sorry, but I don't want to receive.
39:19Welcome to Attila's.
39:20Welcome to Attila's.
39:22The cafe where we think Attila's heart is just so much fun.
39:27It's just so much fun.
39:28It's just so much fun.
39:42We have to support local businesses and local, like, cafes.
39:48Stick of the chains.
39:56I think it's brilliant that you raise that money, I do.
39:58I don't think the game show is brilliant.
40:01OK, sorry I raised so much money for charity.
40:05What was the name of the game show?
40:06The 60-second game show.
40:08I just think why go with that title when you had
40:10chuck it, duck it, book it right there?
40:14Can I just say, I can't stop thinking about little Andy.
40:17I want to see him having, like, a regular-sized meal.
40:20Like, imagine, like, the pizza that we would have,
40:22but it's little Andy having that and, like, where does he live
40:25and what does he get up to?
40:26All I'm saying is I'm pretty much addicted to little Andy.
40:28Yeah.
40:30Right.
40:31The Till of the Hornet was a fairly awful, murderous...
40:34Mm.
40:34The Scourge of God.
40:35Yeah.
40:36Ah, I thought this might come up.
40:39LAUGHTER
40:43I think he used to, like, boil his enemies alive.
40:46I think you've got to separate the barista from the boiling.
40:52OK, I'm ready.
40:53Obviously, you know, I enjoyed seeing her painted face green
40:57and hide in a bush, dressed as a nun, but it wasn't brilliant,
41:00one point.
41:00OK.
41:01I think it's brilliant that John raised money for charity.
41:03Right.
41:03But I thought his game show was terrible.
41:06I'm giving him two points.
41:08Two points to John.
41:08OK.
41:09I'm going to give Andy three points.
41:10OK.
41:11Matthew, I'm going to give four points.
41:13And I don't know why I'm doing it.
41:15I'm giving Sam Campbell five points.
41:17There you go.
41:18Well done, Sam Campbell.
41:20Five points.
41:21All right, here we go, then.
41:22Please head to the stage for your final, final task!
41:34Hello, baby boy.
41:38Hello.
41:39Who will be reading the task?
41:40Series 18's champion...
41:42Zoltzman.
41:43Zoltzman.
41:44Andy.
41:45Using only tape, turn yourself into a famous person
41:49from the previous millennium who you'd like to see on Taskmaster.
41:55Best all-round new Taskmaster contestant wins.
41:59You have three minutes.
42:01Three minutes?
42:02Yes.
42:02Whoo!
42:03That's going to be riveting television.
42:04Yeah, yeah, yeah.
42:05Ready, Greg?
42:07Ready!
42:08They're off.
42:14I find them making a decision that quick is quite disturbing.
42:18Alex.
42:19Yes, John?
42:20The tape doesn't stick on your face.
42:22Yes, it does.
42:24LAUGHTER
42:29I hesitate to ask, but how are you doing, Sam?
42:31Very well, thank you.
42:33It's anyone's game.
42:36LAUGHTER
42:37You'll be happy to know Green is not enrolled.
42:43Oh, shit.
42:44And there we go.
42:46APPLAUSE
42:52Contestants, please stand on your spots.
43:04Oh, my God.
43:10I can't.
43:11Oh, I think I'm going to hit myself.
43:17I can only presume Andy has become the son?
43:21No, no.
43:22Joan of Arc.
43:30Why do you think that Joan of Arc would be good on Taskmaster,
43:33I suppose is the question.
43:34Well, she heard voices in her head.
43:37And that's very much like what doing this show is like.
43:41Yeah.
43:42And, of course, if Taskmaster was set during the time of Joan,
43:45we would perhaps burn people.
43:47LAUGHTER
43:48We can't rule it out.
43:49I may as well say it, because if anyone's feeling uncomfortable
43:51with that idea, strap yourself in for John.
43:54LAUGHTER
44:00So, next to Joan of Arc, who do we have, Greg?
44:03It's the Fuhrer, I presume.
44:06Charlie Chaplin.
44:07Thank you for that.
44:10It's a great booking.
44:13What a relief.
44:14Yes.
44:15And why do you think Chaplin would be good on Taskmaster,
44:17John?
44:18Well, one of the great physical comedians of the last millennium,
44:23who I'd like to hear talk a bit more than I did.
44:27So, our middle contestant, and who do we have?
44:30Well, I'll tell you who we've got.
44:31We've got David Bowie, surely.
44:33Oh!
44:33Yeah.
44:39And why do you think the slim white Duke
44:41would have been a good contestant?
44:42Well, from what I've seen, white men really do get booked.
44:47LAUGHTER
44:51Next to Bowie, Greg.
44:53Now, who is this?
44:55Is it Liza Minnelli?
44:57No.
44:58Oh.
44:59This is Dawn French.
45:01APPLAUSE
45:05Can I say for the record, we agree that Dawn,
45:07you'd be great on Taskmaster.
45:09Maybe after she sees this...
45:11Oh, yeah, she'll look at this and go,
45:13that's a show that respects me.
45:15LAUGHTER
45:17And finally, at the end of the line...
45:20Are you a person?
45:22Yes, technically, yes.
45:23I feel it might be a Power Ranger.
45:26No.
45:26Are you from a movie, Sam?
45:28Yeah.
45:29Are you a Smurf?
45:31No.
45:31Is it Avatar?
45:32Yeah.
45:33You're a character from Avatar?
45:34Jake Sully.
45:35Jake Sully.
45:36Yeah.
45:36Greg, there is a technicality.
45:37Avatar is set in 2154 and it was made in the early 2000s.
45:41It was definitely this millennium, not the last millennium.
45:43So...
45:44I'm a Smurf!
45:45No, I wasn't.
45:46OK, so we have no choice, unfortunately.
45:53One point to Sam Campbell.
45:55I'm giving Andy Zaltzman two points.
45:58I think I'm going to put Dawn French above Chaplin on this occasion.
46:02And I've recognised the great songwriter immediately.
46:06It's five points to Maisie.
46:07There we go, five points.
46:08Goodbye.
46:11Please come down.
46:12We'll have that to your final score!
46:21This has truly been a tale of Maisie and Men,
46:25but now four of them must walk away with their golden tails
46:29between their golden legs,
46:30whereas one will walk out of here
46:32waving their tail around like a flippin' lunatic.
46:35So, let's ask the man with the calculator.
46:38Oh, Mr. Calculator.
46:41Who has come out on top?
46:43Very close.
46:45Very close.
46:46The champion of champions.
46:47One point in it at the end.
46:51The winner with 20 points,
46:53it's Matt Bainton!
46:57Matt Bainton is the new champion of champions.
47:01Please pop off your Fast Master trophy!
47:08honor to introduce my men.
47:30Averb Simon is ours
47:35with a merciless,
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