Taskmaster S21E03 A Creepy Bit of Advice

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Transcript

00:03You

00:04Don't look away

00:17I might just do this all day

00:37I

00:38Five comedy show ponies put through their paces at the gymkhana of laughs the grand national of juggles the dressage

00:45of mirth

00:46Who will get off to a good start on firm ground today?

00:49Who will refuse at the first jump and who God forbid will have to be humanely destroyed?

00:55Find out now, please welcome Amy Glethel

01:07I'm

01:08Man who is surprising in so so many ways he loves to paint for example

01:18He's a keen bird watcher and he has a tattoo on his lower back that simply reads free Britney

01:29I

01:35How are you going to irritate me in the first two minutes of this show?

01:38I'm not going to irritate you. I've got something that I'm going to show you that you're going to love

01:42Because I got my very first smartphone

01:47You want to see it? Yeah

01:49It's a smartphone

01:50It's a smartphone

01:52Look, there's a little face

01:54It's a smartphone, he's all dressed up smart

01:56Right

01:57Yeah?

01:58I thought you'd like that

01:59I mean, I think two things

02:00I'm irritated because that will be the end of the joke

02:02There'll be no...

02:03Right?

02:03Or you think there should be more

02:04Is there a follow-up?

02:05I knew you were going to say that

02:07Note to self, make sure you think of a follow-up to the really funny smartphone

02:10Oh, yeah, no

02:11I sort of think there's something in that

02:14I think sort of moronic teenagers would buy that, wouldn't they?

02:17Well, I've got three, so yeah, maybe I'll ask them when we get home

02:19Put the face up again?

02:20It's my face

02:21Whee!

02:23Nice

02:23Can we copyright that live on air?

02:27That's a thing, isn't it?

02:29Copyright

02:30Copyright!

02:31On with the prize task

02:32What have they brought in this time?

02:34Well, Greg, we've still got loads of good ideas for prize task categories

02:37But this week, they've brought in the most fun thing to drag behind you

02:41On a piece of string when you go for a walk

02:43We all drag string behind us when we go for a walk

02:46But what's the most fun thing to be on that string?

02:49Well, the owner of the thing judged to be most fun

02:51Will be given five points by you, Greg

02:52And also, this is important

02:55No, actually, I'm done

02:57That was it

02:59You've been quite funny today

03:01Hello, Kamal

03:03Greg

03:03I'm a 47-year-old man, Greg

03:05Yeah

03:06And to me, nothing is more fun than going to bed at a reasonable hour

03:11So what I would love to drag behind me on a piece of string is an early-to-bed kit

03:17Let's look at it

03:18Okay

03:20It's a clock without an alarm set

03:23Melatonin

03:24Sleep mask

03:25And a diary

03:26With

03:28One plan

03:28That they cancelled on me on

03:32Oh, I'm getting hard just thinking about it

03:34Yeah

03:35This is one sweet bit of kit

03:38You and I should hang out more often

03:41In one giant bed

03:43Biscuits

03:445pm dinner and then to bed

03:46Joel, what's your fun thing to drag around on a bit of string?

03:49A parachute

03:52Attached to your hip

03:53Right?

03:54Here is a video of me dragging such a thing behind me

04:00LAUGHTER

04:05You might have noticed the sort of eagle-eyed amongst you

04:08That there was some writing on that parachute

04:10Prepare yourself, Greg

04:11You're going to absolutely love this

04:12Here we go

04:12Shoot from the hip

04:14It's a play on words

04:15It's a play on...

04:15Don't like play on words

04:17I don't like it

04:17I know you don't

04:18Don't like it

04:19I know you don't

04:20But I was really...

04:21Not clever

04:21It's not clever puns aren't clever

04:24Not a fan of The Masked Singer I assume

04:28I have not missed an episode

04:31I don't mind a play on words

04:33I love you having a parachute

04:35Because you're far too healthy and fit and bouncy and happy

04:39And I like the idea of you being slowed down occasionally

04:41It's nice

04:43Amy, you're next, what have you brought in?

04:45Well, I brought a projector on wheels

04:50Projecting a fun video

04:53And it is a fun video

04:56I shall be the judge of that

05:00This is what Amy brought in

05:04LAUGHTER

05:11That's just constantly playing

05:12To charge the battery for 15 minutes and it will play that for an hour

05:18It's, er...

05:20It's sort of a phenomena of some kind

05:24That it's only the long breast I can concentrate on

05:28I have what's fun

05:30LAUGHTER

05:32So you started with a blank canvas

05:35Blank sheet paper

05:36What's in life...

05:37What's fun?

05:38Circled it

05:39Yeah

05:39And then put a little circle in the middle of that circle

05:43And then wrote...

05:44An even smaller one

05:46And then wrote fun bags

05:48Fun bags

05:49One of those bags isn't fun

05:53LAUGHTER

05:54Joanna

05:55I have brought a hip flask in the shape of a fish full of sherry

06:01Yes

06:02Thank you

06:03LAUGHTER

06:04At last

06:06Sensible voice

06:07Now, my love of sherry started when I was about seven

06:11LAUGHTER

06:15Shrapping

06:15So I lost my appetite after chicken pox

06:18My nan, who was a matron in a hospital

06:20Uh-huh

06:21Told my mum the best way to get my appetite back was to give me sherry

06:24It's funny how medical standards have changed over you

06:26LAUGHTER

06:27So my love of sherry started then

06:29It then continued when we got our first dog, a spaniel

06:32Oh, no, hang on

06:35You weren't eight when you got the dog, were you?

06:38I...no, I was about eight

06:39We're not going year by year

06:40LAUGHTER

06:42We used to take our dog for a walk down Park Mill, which was this lovely place in the woods

06:47But there was a pub and then a big car park

06:50And then you'd walk out the back and there'd be the woods

06:52My dad would get the dog out and then they'd go into the pub, get me a glass of sherry

06:56And I'd have my glass of sherry and then we'd go for our walk

07:00And so that is why I think everything in life is better with a glass of sherry

07:05So if I'm going for a walk, I would have a hip flask full of sherry

07:08Yeah, it's funny, isn't it?

07:11Not only have I had time to write down Joanna one point

07:13I've...

07:16I've drawn two flowers either side

07:19Armando

07:20Right, fun

07:21I thought, a person who

07:24You'd be surprised to meet but then when you saw her you'd think, oh, yeah, that is fun

07:28Which is Lorraine Kelly

07:29And I thought I could drag her on an improvised trolley

07:33OK

07:34Which is what I've done

07:35No!

07:36No!

07:37No!

07:38No!

07:44The winner of the episode gets this cardboard cutout of Lorraine Kelly on a trolley

07:49I don't know who that is

07:51How dare you?

07:53That's like me asking you who Thomas Jefferson is

07:56Lorraine Kelly drew up our constitution 200

08:04And every morning defends it on air

08:08I really liked all of those and it feels very mean to give Joanna one point

08:12But there we are

08:15One point to Joanna

08:16If he hadn't stuck the pun on it, it'd have been right up there

08:18Two points to Joel, OK

08:19Honestly, I think you'd be at the top of the pile if it wasn't for the long breast

08:23Oh!

08:24Just three points

08:25OK, well done

08:26A man after my own heart

08:27Four points

08:28But how can I beat...

08:30How can anyone beat Lorraine Kelly being dragged on a trolley?

08:33Of course, five points

08:38What's up first, please, Alex?

08:41Well, we have an instruction heavy task that will give everyone a brand new earworm

08:47Hmm?

08:56You must now sing these words with me

09:00Hello!

09:01Are you OK?

09:02Have a seat

09:04OK

09:07How are you?

09:08I'm good, are you comfortable?

09:10Yeah, you're loud

09:13Oh, hello

09:18OK, before you open that

09:19Yeah

09:26Oh, this is hot

09:27Oh, shit

09:32Oh!

09:33Oh!

09:39It'd be better if the wind was going in a different direction

09:43They're biodegradable, Joel

09:45I'm glad you clarified that

09:46Oh, my God

09:47I wish I'd put those on first

09:50I bet it's going to say

09:51Time started when the competitive animal goes off

09:54I've seen this show

09:57Nice to see you

09:58It's a lovely day for tasking

10:01Put on the headphones, obey the instructions and build the tower

10:05When you think you have built the correct tower, you must clap three times

10:10Fastest correct tower wins

10:12Your time started when you first blinked

10:16Yeah, you did blink when the confetti went off

10:17Oh, well, OK

10:19Yeah

10:21I've seen it, I've seen this show

10:22APPLAUSE

10:25By grown adults who react to a confetti cannon going off in the way that normal people would react to

10:31being attacked by a tiger

10:33Have to build a tower

10:35Yes, they do

10:35Shall we then?

10:36We shall

10:37And first up, it's the Edinburgh Comedy Award winning stand-up, Amy Gledhill

10:41And also, Joel Dominick

10:43LAUGHTER

10:47At the bottom of the tower, there is a red brick

10:51At the top of the tower, there is a blue brick

10:54On top of the bottom red brick, there is a yellow brick

10:56You must hold up two green bricks within the next two seconds

11:01Otherwise, Alex will dismantle your tower

11:03Lovely

11:04You must now sing

11:06Blue, green, yellow, green, yellow

11:08Your turn

11:09Blue, green, yellow, green, yellow

11:11Yellow

11:12Now, wink at the camera

11:15Above the lowest yellow brick, there is a yellow brick

11:18Above that yellow brick, there are two more bricks

11:21Then a yellow brick

11:22You must hold up a blue brick in your left hand

11:24And a red in your right hand in the next two seconds

11:27Otherwise, Alex will dismantle your tower

11:30Very nice

11:31You've got some confetti in your hair

11:32OK

11:33You must now sing these words

11:35Blue, red, yellow, yellow, red

11:37Blue, red, yellow, red, red

11:39Oh

11:40You can do better than that

11:41Close

11:42From the bottom, it goes red, something, something, red

11:45Something, something, green, something, something, blue

11:48The bottom brick should be red

11:51Yes!

11:51Now, wink at the camera

11:54Wink at the camera

11:56Now, wink at the camera

11:58Now, wink at the camera

11:59Now, wink at the camera

12:01Blue, red, yellow, yellow, red

12:03That bit's right

12:04That bit's right

12:04The bottom brick is red

12:06Yes, I know that

12:07Blue, green, yellow, green, yellow

12:09Is that a clue?

12:10Now, wave to the camera

12:11Holding a red brick in your right hand

12:13And a blue brick in your left hand

12:15Otherwise, Alex will dismantle your tower

12:17Oh, what was that?

12:18Oh, fuck!

12:19I forgot where round it was

12:21No, please don't do it

12:23You didn't wave to the camera, tell

12:25You didn't wave to the camera

12:27Let's start again

12:28Blue, green, yellow, green, yellow

12:32Yellow, yellow

12:33Blue, red, yellow, yellow, red

12:34Yeah

12:36Now, wave to the camera

12:37Holding a red brick

12:38No, I'm finished

12:38And a blue brick

12:39Within the next two seconds

12:40Otherwise, Alex will dismantle your tower

12:42I didn't hear

12:43I didn't hear what he said

12:43No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

12:46I have to dismantle your tower

12:49Blue, green, yellow, green, yellow

12:51Yellow, red, yellow, yellow, blue

12:57Oh, fuck the clock

13:00You may remove your headphones

13:01Is it right?

13:02Looks right to me

13:04Fuck!

13:06You're annoying

13:15Amy, I've got a question for you

13:17Yeah

13:17Have you ever winked before?

13:23I can't do without opening my mouth and sort of doing this horrible thing right to me

13:29Can we have a look at Amy's wink?

13:30Oh, no

13:31OK, here's her wink

13:36Were you annoyed at any point?

13:39Erm, yeah, I was

13:40You were very sad when you grabbed them like a child

13:42When you grabbed the tower

13:44Wow, I've never hugged a brick before

13:46You've never, you said you've never held a brick before

13:48That was the first time that it felt like I'd done manual labour

13:54The times are not that bad

13:56Joel, 11 minutes 44

13:57And Amy, 9 minutes 53

13:59In the lead at the moment

14:00Well done, Amy

14:01Very good

14:01Not bad

14:04Shut up!

14:05It's the end of part one

14:06You think of what you're talking?

14:07Shut up!

14:08LAUGHTER

14:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

14:20APPLAUSE

14:20Welcome back to Taskmaster, where Alex is tournamenting our cast with his horrible whiny voice

14:25LAUGHTER

14:26Red, green, yellow, green, yellow

14:29Yes, they just have to follow my simple instructions to stack the coloured bricks in the correct order

14:34When happy with their order, they need to clap three times to end the task

14:38I can't stress enough how important that bit is

14:41And so comes the turn of two guys with very manly names

14:44It's Armando and Kumail Hunky

14:47LAUGHTER

14:50That...

14:51There

14:51At the bottom of the tower, there is a red brick

14:54At the top of the tower, there is a blue brick

14:58Blue is the top

14:59You must now sing these words with me

15:02Blue, green, yellow, green, yellow

15:04Blue, green, yellow, yellow, green, yellow

15:05Your turn

15:05Blue, green, yellow, yellow, green, yellow

15:09The bottom brick is red, remember?

15:12Yes

15:12And the top one is blue

15:13OK

15:14Now, wink at the camera

15:15Blue, red, yellow, yellow, red

15:18This is like Guantanamo Bay

15:22From the bottom, it goes red, something, something, red, something, something, green, something, something, blue

15:29Oh my god

15:31Blue, green, yellow, green, yellow

15:33Huh-huh

15:34Blue, red, yellow, yellow, red

15:37Huh-huh

15:42Blue, red, yellow, yellow, red

15:44Blue, red, yellow, yellow, red

15:46When you think you've built the correct tower, you must clap three times

15:53Blue, red, yellow, yellow, red

15:54Huh-huh

15:56The even bricks are

15:58Yellow, red, yellow, yellow, blue

16:00Yellow, red

16:02yellow yellow blue the correct tower you must clap three times right yellow yellow fucking red

16:12are you nearly finished pardon have you nearly finished thanks come out how's it going I mean

16:25I'm miserable you must clap three times blue green yellow green yellow your turn blue green

16:34yellow green yellow I forgot I could stop it at any time I thought I had to listen to all

16:50of this yeah

16:51what I enjoyed that hmm I'm glad you enjoyed it you finished it half your time ago so I did

16:58this for

16:59twice twice as long as I needed to exactly that yeah I mean absolutely textbook apart from forgetting

17:11the three claps your wink was incredible wow wait nice one of the loveliest winks I've ever seen yeah

17:18well when I was very young my dad told me you should be able to wink so that only the

17:22person

17:23you're winking at knows you're winking what a creepy bit of advice no yes do you have a good time

17:35doing

17:35that one part my brain I was enjoying myself and another part I was thinking why yeah oh I mean

17:42just reordering colored bricks you started weirdly kind of I don't know why I was coming I thought

17:48maybe it's because I saw that thing about how it helped someone and who wants to be a millionaire

18:00this is wrong way it sort of felt like we were watching someone playing a game in an old people's

18:05home

18:05yeah I have taken it the wrong way yeah well I mean obviously Kamal would have been the fastest so

18:17far by quite a long way really had he clapped when he was told to clap but 12 minutes oh

18:22six literally

18:23couldn't be closer to Armando's because he was 12 minutes 30 oh couldn't be closer who's next

18:28finally it's time to see Joanna Page stacking it I'm on okay that's for the top blue red yellow

18:41yellow red what the hell is that it's green then a yellow brick then another brick the top is blue

18:50so that must be green this is it's not right this not right is there anything else that's gonna show

18:56me

19:08I saw the clock I mean I genuinely probably would have kept going all day yeah I think so you

19:14were nowhere near getting it right

19:26well I didn't trust you I knew something was up and also I just couldn't follow the song she was

19:31getting no one yeah it took her eight minutes 50 oh if we went by who did the tower first

19:38I would

19:39have had the shortest time huge if you did it the best and the second life though isn't it if

19:44I

19:44hadn't consistently eaten pies my whole life I'd be able to run unfortunately Amanda you all last

19:53with one point Kamal you get two points because you were so slow in the end don't Joel was third

19:59three points four points to Amy but Joanna Page gets the four points it is and it's so close at

20:10this

20:11stage Armando Joanna and Kamal in joint second on six points Amy's in the lead with seven points

20:22yes and just like our relationship this task involves an equal amount of hugging and grunting

20:39oh look right here's the donkey he's oh my god he's got plasters on his bum hello Joe hello Amy

20:46hey come out please don't touch that or look underneath it sorry shall we yes let's have a

20:52look paint the best painting of the painting while hugging oh that must be a painting one person must

21:01always look at the original painting and hug the other two people with both arms the other two people

21:09must always look at the new painting the hugger may only grunt did you write this the painter may ask

21:18questions for one minute then for the rest of the task they may only say colors shapes or directions

21:26colors shapes or directions 10 minutes your time starts on the whistle I can't draw for toffee I don't mind

21:35do you want to have a go okay I'll paint okay kind of want to paint you want to paint

21:38you want to paint all

21:39all right okay are you looking at the painting oh I have no idea on top of all your many

21:57talents that you

21:58could do impressions who's that oh well you didn't you don't know your own impression let's see it again

22:11let's see them do some painting yes here they all are painting and grunting and holding each other

22:16tightly is it a human it's a human is it the Prime Minister yes it's an animal is it a

22:29horse is it a donkey

22:54is the horse brown I'm going to start on a brown horse is there anything

22:59now colors shapes and directions please it's a blue it's a red yellow it's a yellow orange

23:07oh skin color white oh skin color is that is a shape color shapes and directions

23:40green oh I've done quite a lot of green

23:58please stop painting do not look back come out you can look at what they did

24:17honestly I've never heard anyone grunt he's on a horse there was a bit of flexibility on the rules they

24:25also said leg as a shape and I guess the leg is a shape well no it isn't is it

24:30not oh it isn't a

24:31shape is it not no if someone told you to draw a leg shape you'd know exactly what to draw

24:38that's true

24:39very clever we'll see their paintings after you have watched some adverts and Alex has flossed me

24:48bring forth the gooch floss

25:07oh yes one person from each team could look at the original painting while the painters held them and ask

25:12questions the answers could of course only come in the form of grunts or in Amanda's case quite a lot

25:17of words

25:18let's see the team of three's picture first of all this is what Joel Amy and Kamel came up with

25:26oh

25:28wow wow

25:31you used to say that Freddie Mercury didn't ride horses

25:36we don't know I write me look at all those beautiful leg shapes

25:40yeah and look at the direction of the horse as we compare the two yeah oh

25:46the only thing that's let it down it's pretty good yeah it's pretty good quite a coquettish back leg from

25:51their horse

25:55may I

25:58you might not think it's quite as good when you see what the team of two managed to come up

26:01with

26:02ready they did this

26:15that was with Armando saying full word

26:18yeah

26:19I think I made the mistake by facing the man forward because that's what Putin does in the photo I've

26:26seen of him

26:27so the man's forward but the horse is sideways

26:31what is the horse?

26:32it's got a year

26:33where's the horse?

26:34it's years are down this way

26:35the only way you have the horse is if it was painted seconds after it was hit by a bazooka

26:43I haven't said this in 20 series but I sort of think you should be removed from the show

26:51let's have a look all three

26:52okay all three and then some points please Greg

26:55it says something

26:57when that painting of Freddie Mercury on

26:59sitting on the back of an anteater

27:02is by far the best thing

27:05so is that five points for the team of three?

27:07of course

27:08right

27:08of course

27:09and now it's

27:11how low do we go I suppose

27:14so I was going to give you two points

27:16do you need to be penalised for Armando's flagrant cheating

27:19so you'll have one point and you'll thank me for it

27:22it's one for the team of two it's five for the team of three

27:24thank you

27:24well done

27:28let's get on with the next task please

27:30okay and taskmaster gets all classy now

27:33as this task involves ascension via a gilded royal staircase

27:37upon which there are boobs

27:51alex

27:53come out

28:08like the echo

28:09me too

28:10how are you

28:11good

28:15there's so many boobs

28:17Greg did the high ones

28:22it's the alphabet

28:24nothing gets by me

28:25get to the top of the staircase

28:27you must take one step at a time

28:32on each step you must discard a letter

28:35and say at least one word

28:38you must not use a word

28:40I love to start it again because I'm not listening to what I'm saying

28:46get to the top of the staircase

28:50feels like a bit of me this

28:52you must take one step at a time

28:54on each step you must discard a letter

28:57and say at least one word

29:00you must not use a word containing a letter you have discarded

29:04and you must not repeat any words at any point

29:08nah that's not a bit of me this

29:09really not a bit of me

29:10you must not repeat any words at any point

29:14otherwise you must start again

29:16highest step reached wins

29:18you have ten minutes

29:20your time starts on the whistle

29:22do you understand

29:24it's very condescending

29:27yes I understand

29:29it's pretty simple

29:30all the information is on the task

29:32if you want to put on the alphabet gauntlet

29:35uh

29:38look at this

29:40this is going to go badly

29:41there are 25 steps

29:46are there 25 letters in the alphabet

29:48there are aren't there

29:49are there

29:50roughly

29:56so early on you said

29:57oh this is a bit of me this is

29:59right

30:00and then later you went

30:01oh actually this is not a bit of me

30:03what happened to change your mind that this was a bit of you

30:06I realised that when I said oh this is a bit of me

30:08yeah

30:09uh it was just steps

30:11right

30:13that's why I'm between

30:14so

30:17so the thing that's a bit of you is walking up steps

30:20yeah

30:21and I'm always interested in uh digging into an actor's method

30:25your method is to say the words but not think about

30:33yes

30:34yes

30:38right who are we going to see first

30:39first up it's Ian, Dom and Paige

30:42that's Iannucci, Domit and Joanna Page

30:53hi

30:54just say the letter and then the word

30:55that would be crazy

30:56said hi

30:57hi

30:58yep hi

30:59okay you've now said yeah as well so just

31:02let's not say yes again please

31:03I'm discarding the letter X

31:09fruit

31:10discarding the letter Z

31:14dromedary

31:15dromedary

31:16oh

31:17G

31:18hamster

31:19N

31:20mouse

31:21T

31:22buzzard

31:23back

31:24what's the letter?

31:26T

31:26T back

31:27okay

31:27what's the letter?

31:33R

31:34yep

31:35K

31:36pool

31:37Y

31:372

31:38J

31:38pool

31:39P

31:39O

31:40L

31:40S

31:41helicopter

31:42yeah you've got a T in helicopter unfortunately

31:44yes but you can't use words using any of these letters

31:49yeah it's harder than you thought it was

31:52same

31:53pardon

31:54same

31:54well I don't think you can say that really because what was the one you just put down

31:58so now you have to complete them all off and start again

32:00I understand it now

32:01yep don't say anything else

32:02I get it

32:02okay

32:03we're in

32:04yep

32:04let's go

32:04okay

32:05I'm discarding the letter W

32:09B

32:10U

32:11O

32:13lovely

32:14we're halfway through the alphabet

32:15yes

32:16well you can't really say yes

32:18no

32:18because you've got rid of Y

32:21sorry about that

32:22can I ask a question?

32:23do I have to say I'm discarding the letter?

32:25I don't know why you're doing that

32:26I thought you said

32:27well

32:28this changes everything

32:30G

32:31house

32:32B

32:33new

32:34S

32:36bus

32:38no let's start again

32:39Y

32:40low

32:43X

32:43soppy

32:45soppy

32:45you've had Y though so start again

32:46oh

32:47concrete

32:48door

32:49light

32:50ah

32:52this is where we got to last time

32:56there's a W

32:58wank

32:59pardon

33:00you're saying wank

33:01oh no

33:02start again

33:03the W

33:04there's a W

33:06not appropriate

33:07one minute 30 left

33:08oh no

33:09Q

33:09fuck

33:11said

33:11peace

33:12still got a minute 20

33:13pain

33:14balance

33:15eagle

33:16BOOM

33:18I

33:1945 seconds

33:24Nail how we spelling nail is it with an eye

33:33We've really it wrong

33:38I

33:41Oh

33:42You can just like look at this yeah, we've only got 15 seconds now

33:45Just look at this and like spell stuff off that well you said that twice so start again. You've got

33:4910 seconds

33:51So just take the 10 seconds just to think for like a moment. Just enjoy the fact that we're in

33:55a beautiful place. Yeah

33:57Be

34:07I

34:07And that is your time up your language in the last one wasn't great. Yeah, okay in discover NLF. Yes

34:15right

34:17I'm off for some ice cream

34:26I

34:26Wrote down that Joel Joel and Armando are very different men aren't they and my evidence for that was that

34:33your opener was high and his was

34:36dromedary

34:39I

34:40Would you all like to see a grown man say words that he knows he shouldn't be saying

34:44Look at that

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35:12I know I just I wrote down something when you started bomb I wrote Armando

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