- 3 weeks ago
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00:14You
00:14Hello, hello, so I'm clearing out the crawlspace come across the ship from you guys were kids you can fight
00:19about the memories
00:24Why in the hell did you and mom let me cut my own hair hey you were dumb enough to
00:28ask you were dumb enough to learn
00:29Looky here. We have early signs of talent
00:32That was grade six remember grade six Todd barely shitting on my head. You did this in grade six
00:37It was a it was a group project. I think most of the stuff in here would get a teacher
00:41fired today
00:42No, dude Todd is inattentive. He would have more friends if he stopped picking his scrotum and sniffing markers
00:48Well, he's just not the other way around. Oh look at this one self-driven independent thinker a pleasure to
00:53teach the world needs more
00:56Audrey's aren't you perfect or in a winner, baby. Oh, yeah, mr. Bird did not like you
01:02Fucking prick. I hate that guy
01:06Hot damn miss Walton. Oh, here we go. That was your teacher crush crush of all crushes
01:13I know those tight short skirts and those long legs to this day. I still can't walk past a pantyhose.
01:18I'll look getting dizzy
01:18Todd's not reaching his full potential struggles with focus easily overwhelmed
01:25Was I good at anything?
01:27You could run fast help yourself dad
01:29Hey, I'm retired tends to panic during presentations needs to work on this especially after the spelling bee incident
01:36Fuck's sake. What was the spelling bee incident? It was nothing. It was something
01:40He gave the poor kid the word baloney. He froze up. He went white his drywall and crumbled like a
01:45cheap sawhorse. Didn't you baloney?
01:48It's not even a hard word. I could spell it now. I was 12. Oh, yeah, okay. Spell it baloney
01:53B
01:54A
01:54Already wrong. Oh, I hate that word. It's a big word look at this one a born leader
02:01Audrey could be prime minister
02:03Damn I peaked early. Oh, you peaked already peak sniffing teachers asses and polishing apples for extra credit
02:09Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is all ancient history. Come on. Who wants to peak at 11 anyway? Hey now
02:14Well, you got to peak sometime right toddy
02:17Don't worry. There's still hope you're not that old. You're so fucking funny odds
02:26I always thought miss walton was just a flirty lady who bathed in perfume, but now i'm like holy shit
02:30Maybe she actually saw something in me or maybe she wanted fewer parent-teacher meetings
02:35Well, it's kind of wild right? I mean a year ago. I was folding jeans at jean machine and now
02:39I got a stiletto hammer. I got apprentices asking me where the good gloves are
02:44I mean, maybe i'm actually becoming the person she thought I could be miss walton probably still thinks i'm a
02:48dumbass
02:49I bet she tells that fucking spelling me story all the time. She's still alive
02:54Never heard of cutting in half their dick brain. Then I'd have to chew twice like why make more work
02:59for myself. Todd
03:02Uh earplugs, please. Oh shit. Let's go
03:06What's up?
03:07There's been a mercury spill in the river
03:10Was it us? I don't know yet, but it's a reminder to produce that community outreach video
03:14Conk cares? Conk cares
03:16Corn pulse just released a promo called corn pulse connects and we're getting slaughtered in the pr game
03:21I don't really know much about making videos like do I have to be on camera?
03:24No, you just need to assemble the right people you're good at organizing chaos
03:27It's not really my field of expertise. I'll do it. Oh, yeah. I was head of the av club in
03:31high school
03:33She asked me to do it. I'll do it
03:35Todd
03:36I'm the only person that you know who can make a video like that. Okay, but you have actual work
03:40to do. What about that?
03:41So change of plans todd you're with me
03:44Just got word that the mercury could be us. So we need to address the media. Huh? Isn't that a
03:50head office problem?
03:51No, it's an imperial valley problem and we're imperial valley. Just don't sweat it
03:55It'll be a bunch of local reporters you probably went to high school with
03:58Okay, but if I help you then who's gonna do video can wait or I can start right now. Wow
04:02Look at your initiative. Yeah
04:05All right, audrey. It's yours. What do you need? Nothing
04:08tanner
04:09You're my guy. He just got a new phone. Come here. Sorry. What do I do it? Get over here.
04:13What did you mean by address the media?
04:16Don't worry. You're gonna kill the questions. There's gonna be questions
04:19Oh
04:21Fuck
04:23Just turned my sandwich into a panini man. Thanks guy bro
04:27What a fucking day. Okay, we're looking at fast cuts real people. I want it to feel sexy
04:33This isn't gonna be some fucking lame-ass corporate video where some lazy-eyed asshole drools into the camera
04:37Okay, we are going to tell people a story. We are taking them on a journey to the soul of
04:42this place. They're gonna laugh
04:44They're gonna cry. Let's show the world what conch is really about. Okay
04:49Is this the part where I pretend where I know what I'm doing until someone yells at me? Yep, that
04:55someone will be me wonderful
04:56Yeah, get your camera
05:00Let's get this over with
05:17Oh
05:17Oh jeez
05:18It's fucking huge
05:20Yeah, that doesn't look
05:22Great. Yeah, things got its own tide. That's not a blob. That's a bio
05:27Just finished the test. Yeah
05:30Sorry, this is above my pay grade. Oh, that's great and our investigators quitting. My wife and I are planning
05:34on having kids
05:35I'd like them to come out symmetrical
05:37Pussy bummer. What? I'm union. I'm not polite. Yo, are we fucked? Yep. Whoa
05:42The cum nest monster in there. Look at that thing. Please have some good news. Okay. Afraid not. It's definitely
05:48us
05:49It's got conch signature runoff
05:51Mercury lead and a very familiar amount of negligence Todd
05:55We had a chat and uh, the media contact. It's you. You're the guy
06:00What? Not on my own. No, no, no, no, no. You love this kind of thing. You used to vlog
06:05your hangovers
06:06We spoke in front of thousands of people in your flair stack world tour. Come on
06:09I'm the solutions guy and we don't have a solution. You need to stall until we uh
06:14Find one that I can take full credit for. Oh, what about you chels? You're site manager
06:18Oh, we need someone who can speak small town
06:20Someone who can talk to that guy. Who? Fucking beardo?
06:22Now listen, this is our window. We say nothing. We look like we're hiding something
06:25But I don't know what to say or how to say it. You do not want me riffing up there.
06:29Trust me
06:30Correct. That's why we're gonna write you a script
06:33Talking points downbites. I don't like this
06:35A couple of jokes if the vibes feel right
06:37You do great
06:39Okay
06:41Stick with me get our first subject somebody good
06:49All right keep it coming roach video time guys
06:52Are you guys doing? Yeah, what are you doing man?
06:57I'm not a plumber what teaser what oh hey
07:02Uh, nothing I own these um I haven't asked you anything yet, but okay here we go
07:10Describe the conch experience in one word
07:14Gone
07:18What the fuck? Where are you going?
07:21Gotta take a shit
07:21There he goes
07:22What the fuck was that? All right, let's go get roach. Maybe he'll be better
07:26I doubt it
07:27Hey roach, quick interview. Okay, just don't smoke on camera
07:30Oh
07:31Okay, what has conch done for the community?
07:35Uh, I get free drugs and my teeth cleaned
07:38What? How does that relate to the community?
07:41Uh, the pharmacy guy and the teeth doctor get our businesses right so
07:46All right finish my sentence for some it's a job for others it's a
07:53Job am I right?
07:56Thanks for nothing roach
07:57Whoa, told you
07:59Beauty
08:00That went really great
08:03Get your own morning after pill. What do I look like the school nurse?
08:07Oh my god, Steffi. I'm so glad to see you
08:09Honey, it is so difficult working with people who don't take you seriously
08:14I am trying to make art you get me
08:18You got a beautiful face. Will you please give me some star power?
08:21Oh, you think you can handle the wattage? Let's find out
08:25Roll the cam
08:26Words of wisdom for the conch cares video
08:31Get yourself a tetanus shot
08:34And don't fall off the flare stack
08:36Anything a little bit, I don't know, warmer?
08:39I got work to do here
08:41Don't sleep with backwoods
08:43Fuck off
08:43Give me this
08:44Give me this
08:46Okay, repeat after me
08:48I feel at home at conch
08:50I feel at home at conch
08:52That's perfect if we're making a horror film
08:54But we're not trying to terrify people we're trying to excite them
08:57Right
08:57I'm gonna shout out some emotions
09:00And you infuse the words with the vibe
09:01Okay
09:02Got it
09:02Yeah
09:02Okay
09:03Okay
09:04Happy
09:04I feel at home at conch
09:07Okay
09:07Sexy
09:08I feel at home at conch
09:10Jesus
09:11I feel at home at conch
09:13No, no, that's not what you meant
09:15Your video sucks
09:15Yeah, man, what are you like, Oliver Stoner?
09:18Fuck off, guys
09:19Alfred Spliffcock
09:20Hey, did you guys sign those out?
09:21Twice, man
09:23I keel at foam
09:24At honk
09:25Fuck my life
09:26Here, just fucking take this
09:27We're done here
09:31Use your wee fucked up voice and try to cry if you can
09:38Okay
09:39Hey, hi
09:41Hey, hi-ho
09:42Get to the cue cards
09:43Um
09:45Our
09:46Commitment
09:47Two's
09:49What the fuck is this?
09:50Come on, guys
09:50Can you fucking read now?
09:51What are these words?
09:52Like, it's hard to read
09:53Who wrote this?
09:54I was in a rush
09:56Fucking read it
09:57We
09:58Here
09:58A crotch
09:59A crotch
10:00Conch
10:00What do you say?
10:01A crotch
10:02Conch
10:03You ever stare at a word too long and it stops looking like a word, everyone?
10:07No
10:07Uh, conch
10:10Is that even how it's spelled?
10:11It's not a spelling contest, just read it
10:13Move on
10:13Anyway, there's a lot of technical mumbo-jumbo in these notes
10:17Uh, carbon trails
10:19Don't skip that
10:20River acidity
10:21Are you kidding me, Todd?
10:22And fuck me
10:25You know what?
10:26I left my science brain in the truck
10:27What's he doing?
10:28What's he doing?
10:28So, if you're worried
10:30Don't be
10:30I mean, this is basically like
10:33Three Mile Island
10:34Or
10:34What?
10:36Fukushima
10:36Or, you know, the, uh
10:38I didn't write
10:39The Exxon Valdez, which turned out okay
10:42And none of those places complained
10:44They didn't bitch about a little radiation or glowing otters
10:47And, you know, they didn't stop having kids
10:49Hell no
10:50They probably had more kids because they couldn't go outside
10:55Well, I guess that's gonna be, uh, about it for me
10:59Wrap it up
11:01In a sandwich
11:02Letty, you're up
11:02Pull him out
11:04Baloney
11:07B
11:09A
11:11L
11:16That's not what I wrote
11:17Blood sugar
11:18Blood sugar issue
11:30Give me a fight
11:30Hey, bro
11:30Jesus
11:31There he is
11:32Do you have five minutes for my Concares promo piece?
11:35I need silence in another drinking box
11:37Come on, Todd
11:38Everyone else is fucking treating this like a joke
11:41They're disrespecting me and my crew
11:42I need you
11:43Your crew?
11:44Isn't just you and mini tripod over here with a fucking cell phone?
11:48Hey, I'm five five
11:49I'm sure you are
11:51Fuck
11:51Fine
11:52You've got five
11:53Perfect
11:56This is General Foreman Todd Stuhl
11:59He's also my brother
12:01That's right
12:02At Conk, we're one big shiny family
12:05Some of us are shinier than others
12:09And how would you describe this family, Todd?
12:12I don't know
12:14Dysfunctional
12:14A bunch of peer-pressuring pricks
12:16Fuck you, man
12:17Trying to fucking tank this?
12:19Jesus, I thought I could count on you
12:21Oh, come on, Odds
12:22You hijacked the assignment
12:23Now I'm the assholes
12:24I don't want to smile through it
12:25I didn't hijack the assignment
12:26Chelsea gave it to me
12:27Because I'm the only one around here who gives a shit
12:29Maybe if you gave less of a shit about being a star
12:31And more about being part of a team
12:33The crew wouldn't treat your passion project like a joke
12:36Should I still be filming this?
12:37Yes
12:37No
12:37Okay
12:38Jesus, Todd
12:39You've been grumpy since middle school
12:40At least I didn't peak in middle school
12:41Well, talent never dies
12:43Neither does herpes, Odds
12:44Doesn't mean we'll make a film about it
12:46Hey, sorry, Odds
12:48You can finish this later
12:51Want me to get a sibling rivalry?
12:53Help me
12:54Okay, table it
12:56All right, on to the next
12:58Come with me
13:01How you doing? Your head okay?
13:02Okay
13:03Okay, good
13:03Listen, we're pulling you from the media scrum
13:05We can't have our GF blacking out on camera again
13:08It just looks a little bad for the, you know, everything
13:11All right?
13:14Okay
13:18Okay
13:18Miss Conk, you look amazing today
13:20Do you have time for a quick interview?
13:21No, no, no, no
13:22Just a quick conversation
13:23I said no
13:24We just need one sound
13:25No, no time
13:25Oh, there she goes
13:27Shit
13:27Is this a janitor's closet?
13:29Oh yeah, it's a closet
13:30I'm just so fucking nuts
13:32Okay, um
13:32Through the door then
13:35Can you tell me a little bit about Conk caring from the family perspective?
13:39Oh my
13:40Fucking god, there's a bird in this closet
13:42Bird in that closet?
13:43No, there's no bird in the closet
13:47Never mind
13:48It was
13:48It was a feather duster
13:51Uh, anyway
13:52Granddaddy Conk
13:53Built an empire less on caring
13:55More on rules, silence and fear
13:57You know
13:58Classic fanny father shit
14:00Okay, just one more question before you go
14:02No, I have to go damage control your brother's fainting spell
14:04What?
14:06Oh, fuck
14:08That's why Todd was freaking out
14:10I thought he was just being Todd
14:12Yeah, you're being kind of a dick
14:13I was
14:14Yeah
14:19Are you zooming in on me?
14:21Stop that
14:26Come on
14:27All right, go, go, go, go
14:32Wow
14:33What a turnout
14:35Hot damn
14:36Guys, I have some really good news
14:39At Conk
14:41We are in a true partnership with mother nature, right?
14:44I mean, that old gal can flood a town
14:47And what do we do?
14:47We pivot
14:49When we leak an itty-bitty amount of mercury into the river
14:53She just, I don't know, hides it in fishes or something, right?
14:57Oh, no, no
14:58She keeps making it sound like no big deal
14:59They'll think we're burying barrels
15:01Oh, well
15:02She keeps talking it all, we'll be burying the company
15:05You feel down again, huh?
15:07I might have
15:08A little
15:10Seems like I'm still a fucking fuck-up
15:12No, no, hey, hey, hey, hey
15:14You remember your Uncle Jerry?
15:16Like your brother?
15:17Yeah, yeah
15:17You remember when you were 13
15:18And you helped him after he crashed his Sea-Doo into his ex-wife's pool?
15:20I remember him being fucking wasted
15:22And he thought he was at the marina
15:24That's the day, that's the day
15:25That night he foamed me
15:26He says to me
15:27Todd's my guy
15:29Todd's the kind of kid who's ready to help out
15:30If I ever killed somebody
15:31Todd would be the first one there with shovels and snacks
15:34You don't judge, you just show up
15:36And you do your best when you're there
15:38Whether it's, you know
15:39Helping your drunk Uncle Jerry in a Sea-Doo out of a pool
15:41Or comforting your community after an environmental disaster
15:44You're there
15:47Thanks, Todd
15:50Hell, no, she doesn't
15:51She just crashes right on in
15:54Uninvited
15:55Like my Aunt Marilyn
15:57Half drunk and some cheap-ass rose
15:59She's killing us
16:01Let me fix this
16:02That ship capsized, no offense
16:04I know, but I want another shot
16:06I've been fainting in front of public crowds since grade six
16:09Looks like I'm due for a win
16:10Well, hopefully the podium comes with a handrail this time
16:13Honey
16:13If you're getting back up there, we spin this
16:16You don't apologize, anthropomorphize it
16:19Toxic spills don't sell
16:20But Bobby the safety sludge?
16:23That's a brand
16:23Give him a jingle, you know
16:25I'm serious
16:26Smokey the Bear, Pillsbury Doughboy
16:29It could be like the Michelin Man meets Slimer
16:31People love a weird little creep with a smile
16:34Well, anything's better than this shit show
16:36How about you drink some of the water?
16:39Well, I would
16:40But I am doing an intermittent fasting
16:43So, uh, no liquids until sundown
16:45We need clean water
16:46And a real apology
16:49Come on
16:51It's a complicated issue
16:56What? What can you do?
16:58I got this
17:00Okay
17:02We're gonna fix this
17:03Not with bullshit
17:05With work
17:07And maybe sandbags
17:08I don't know yet
17:10You know what?
17:11Fuck this
17:13Follow me
17:15What are we doing?
17:16Uh, doglets
17:19Let's go
17:20Right
17:20Follow the man with the podium
17:24Follow me
17:25Let's go
17:25You want me to drink the water?
17:27I'll drink the fucking water
17:37Anybody have a container or glass to put some water in?
17:41Anybody?
17:44Thanks, Conky
17:51Oh, what's he doing?
17:52Oh, what's he doing?
17:55Go Todd
18:02Let's go
18:06Mmm
18:08Why don't you drink the whole thing?
18:10Not just a sip
18:18That's it, keep it down, keep it down, keep it down.
18:22Cha-cha-cha-cha!
18:24Yeah!
18:25Every last drop.
18:31Not bad.
18:32Well done.
18:38Oh, Jesus.
18:39Oh, my.
18:42Mercury is speaking.
18:43We all grew up on this river.
18:45We fished in it.
18:46We swam in it.
18:47We probably swallowed some of it.
18:48And yeah, I mean, it's full of mercury now, but so are most of us.
18:53When I was in elementary school, I broke a thermometer open,
18:56and I touched the mercury.
18:58I thought it was cool.
18:58You did.
18:59And fuck it.
19:00Full disclosure, I licked it on a dare.
19:03And then I licked it again for attention.
19:05Atta boy, Todd.
19:06And I turned out mostly normal.
19:08The thing is, most of us have stories like that.
19:11We're all still here, we're all still weird, and we're all pretty much normal.
19:15I'm not saying it's good, but to pretend it didn't happen isn't gonna fix it.
19:19We all released our pet goldfish in this water.
19:21Take a look at these.
19:22Half my chompers are mercury.
19:24I lit a jar of this water on fire to impress my girlfriend.
19:28Now she's my wife!
19:30Atta boy!
19:33Behold, Todd's stool.
19:35Leading by example, which in this case means drinking contaminated water on camera.
19:39He's also my brother.
19:41You got this, bro.
19:42Here's the thing.
19:43If we're stuck with this blob, let's own it.
19:46Okay.
19:46Let's make it our own.
19:48I say we name the fucking thing.
19:50Yeah.
19:50Yeah.
19:50All right.
19:51Globby.
19:52That's a friendly name.
19:53Nice, Dad.
19:54How about, uh, Lil Spilly?
19:56Oh.
19:57Mercury.
19:58That's pretty good.
19:59Just spitball in here.
20:00What about Blob Gnarly?
20:02Oh, that's good.
20:03Huh?
20:04Lil Spilly's just a misunderstood bottle.
20:06All right.
20:06I think we have a winner.
20:07What?
20:08Oh, my God.
20:09Society made him foxy.
20:10I want royalties.
20:11I guess this is what Peking feels like.
20:14Somewhere out there is Blob Gnarly.
20:16Good job.
20:18You stayed upright.
20:19You didn't shit yourself.
20:19That's gross.
20:20I think I might screw your pants.
20:23Kidding.
20:24Don't smell it, obviously.
20:25Oh, I know.
20:26With you trades guys, it's always about shit and piss.
20:28And the occasional cock.
20:30Hey, Todd.
20:31Um, still need to make my video,
20:33except none of the guys will play ball.
20:35Half of them think that I'm filming a prank show.
20:38I'm their boss.
20:39I can make them dance.
20:41Let's show everybody that we're functional.
20:43Aw.
20:44You do care.
20:45No, but I can fake it for five minutes.
20:47Cool.
20:48That's six more than usual.
20:51Okay.
20:52Into the camera.
20:54And action.
20:55Yeah, well, my old man worked here,
20:56and, uh, now I do,
20:58and hopefully my son after me.
21:01It's, uh, it's not always easy,
21:03but when you're in a jam, people show up.
21:06Nice.
21:06And it's a job where I can be unapologetically weird
21:09and get paid.
21:10The big bucks.
21:12Not a bad deal.
21:13One of a kind, Dewey.
21:14I care about the lunch truck.
21:16Okay.
21:16And that's...
21:18that's all that you want to say for the video?
21:20What video?
21:21Fuck, Roach.
21:22Conk has covered me through, uh, two divorces,
21:25four injuries,
21:26and one surprise custody hearing.
21:28Aw.
21:29That's important.
21:30Okay.
21:30Well, if you need a nail gun or an alibi,
21:33someone's got you.
21:35Conk isn't a perfect place,
21:36but when the shit hits the fan,
21:38people show up.
21:39They care about the work,
21:41the town, and each other.
21:43It's not some corporate mission statement.
21:45It's just how it is.
21:48Yeah.
21:48You get the picture.
21:50T-shirts, hats, hoodies,
21:52all proceeds go to the cleanup
21:53or sandbags or whatever helps.
21:55We made this mess, and we'll deal with it,
21:58because...
21:59Conk cares!
22:01Okay.
22:03Well, I guess you're not a complete failure.
22:05Oh, high praise from a guy
22:06who head-butted a podium on live TV.
22:08And who had the brilliant idea
22:10of letting the town name a toxic blob.
22:13I mean, that was Homer's idea,
22:14but who's counting?
22:16You know, I never gave a damn
22:17about your report cards.
22:19I didn't need any teacher
22:20to tell me who my kids were.
22:21You came out strong, you came out smart,
22:24you came out of mine.
22:25Oh, just so you know,
22:27that sexy crush of yours, Miss Walton?
22:28Yeah?
22:29She was a box wine drunk.
22:31Really?
22:31And I should know.
22:32I banged her.
22:36What?
22:37It was the only A I ever got.
22:40Ew, guys!
22:41I'm so jealous.
23:03Honestly, the most frequent thing
23:04that happens here in terms of safety is,
23:06like, dude's getting their dicks caught in their zippers,
23:08and I don't go into the bathroom for that.
23:10I send Homer in.
23:12He likes it.
23:13The mercury blob will be contained.
23:16This is not our first rodeo.
23:17I mean, it is our first rodeo.
23:19It's just not the first rodeo.
23:22There are plenty of rodeos out there.
23:24It's happened before.
23:24The point is, the technology is there.
23:26We will clean it up.
23:28Things will be fine.
23:29Life will go on.
23:30All right?
23:30Are we done?
23:31Okay.
23:32We're totally fine.
23:45It's time to cut.
23:47Now...
23:48Oh, wow!
23:53We'll be back.
23:55Bye!
23:56See you then?
24:00Bye.
24:01And if you live my life, you would understand
24:03Devil is a friend of the working man
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