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Top Gear Ambitious But Rubbish S01E08
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00:22Hello and welcome to Top Gear ambitious but rubbish, carefully seeking out previous idiocy
00:29and parceling it up for your pleasure.
00:31Action!
00:34Bloody murder!
00:36You'll be killed!
00:39Christ on a bike!
00:50We start this programme with old people.
00:53You see the world's population is ageing yet car makers seem determined to befuddle the elderly with ever more complicated
01:00features and functions.
01:02Well Jeremy and I decided to do something about this by building a true car for old people.
01:11This meant heading to the Top Gear technology centre, the birthplace of all our great projects.
01:17And while Richard went off to buy a car which we could modify, I examined the scale of the problem.
01:25This Volvo has very few buttons and that's a good thing.
01:29But each one seems to do 28 different things depending on how you push it.
01:34What does my car mean?
01:38Bliss, DSTC, collision warning.
01:40Why would you want to turn that off?
01:42Look at these.
01:43If you're 85, these are just out of focus hieroglyphics.
01:48Things were just as bad in this Ford Focus.
01:54What does block Fonive A mean?
01:57There's literally nothing, nothing on here which is old people friendly.
02:02Press source for USB BT line in.
02:07I'm sure all this makes perfect sense to the foetus that designed it.
02:12But to anyone over 65, it is just incomprehensible gibberish.
02:18Before I had a chance to get to grips with the Citroen.
02:21Oh for f***ing sake.
02:23Richard was back with the car he'd bought.
02:26A Fiat Multipler.
02:27Famous for having three seats in the front and three in the back.
02:33To decide what to do with it, we set up a mood room.
02:51All top designers use rooms like this to put them into the actual mind of the customers they're trying to
02:59attract.
02:59So for example, we have an early vacuum cleaner, a one bar heater, a TV listings magazine, many of which
03:06are available.
03:07With the programs we want to watch highlighted.
03:10It really is just like being in James May's front room.
03:13Well where do you think we got everything from?
03:18What I'm seeing with every single thing in here is simplicity.
03:24And comfort. Comfort on the Volgador chair, simplicity of the mop, the drinks load, the kettle, the tea leader, everything
03:32is simple.
03:33It's simple, straightforward and yet in the case of this small sofa, also strangely itchy.
03:42After several intense hours in the mood room, we at least knew what colour our car should be.
03:49So we went off to get some paint.
03:55Excuse me, do you know this machine?
03:57Yeah.
03:58Can you match the colours of things?
04:00Yeah, enjoy.
04:01Can you match the colour of this hearing aid?
04:05This bit, specifically that bit, yeah.
04:07That is a symphony in beige.
04:09That's the colour we want.
04:10Come on.
04:11But it can really do that.
04:12So it analysed the colour of the hearing aid.
04:15Could it do my left nipple?
04:16Yeah.
04:22With the paint sorted, we went back to the Top Gear Technology Centre to begin work.
04:30Look at this dash.
04:32Speedo, out of focus, radio, too complicated.
04:35It's all going to be changed.
04:37All of it.
04:38I've been thinking about safety, not just for the car's occupants.
04:42So with that in mind, old people find it very difficult to look around when they're reversing.
04:47It's just a fact.
04:48So I'm planning a system for the rear to help them stop reversing into garage walls and lamp posts.
04:55They're wives.
04:56I'm also planning much, much bigger door mirrors.
04:59Then at the front, a radical redesign of the front bumper to avoid and minimise expensive bodywork damage.
05:06Thinking.
05:12After several hours, Jeremy's dashboard was beginning to take shape.
05:22Um, airbags.
05:23Yeah?
05:25Dangerous.
05:26Because you're not allowed to put children in the front seat with them there, are you?
05:29Because they're too delicate.
05:31Yeah.
05:31Old people, they tend to sit quite far fought, even when they're not driving.
05:35And they're just as delicate as children.
05:37There you go.
05:38Danger.
05:39So I think we get rid of them.
05:40Can I have them?
05:41Yeah, I don't need them.
05:42Got a plan.
05:43You need hands.
05:44While Hammond continued with his safety features, I started making a new dashboard and soon had something to show my
05:52colleague.
05:54You know, elderly people like to drive quite slowly.
05:57Yeah, like James.
05:58Exactly.
05:58So this is what I've done to get around the problem.
06:01Brilliant.
06:01So it only reads 20, even if they're doing 80 miles an hour.
06:04115.
06:06So it's, how many did you do in 17 miles an hour?
06:09So they're happy.
06:09Yeah.
06:10The people stuck behind, whose wives are in labour and they have meetings to get to, they're happy.
06:14Everybody wins.
06:15I was also rather proud of my old people friendly rear fog light.
06:20This will be mounted in the car.
06:22This is the switch.
06:22So as soon as it starts a little bit of light drizzle, the elderly person turns on the rear fog
06:27light.
06:27And then what happens around the back is absolutely nothing at all.
06:33With the new dash sorted, I started to think about the rear seats.
06:37And I went online to search for an advert I remembered from the early 80s.
06:42And that's it.
06:44That's it.
06:44Hammond!
06:45Hammond!
06:45Come and look at this.
06:46Watch this commercial.
06:47Ready?
06:48Yeah.
06:50It's grand to find a comfortable chair when you're getting on a bit or you've got arthritis.
06:55My niece got this from Shackleton's, you know.
06:58You know?
06:58You know.
07:00Shackleton's original high seat.
07:02Never thought it'd be so easy to get in and out of.
07:06Shackleton's high seat chair.
07:08It's lovely.
07:10Hang on.
07:11So you're saying replace that with one of those?
07:13But they're so easy to get in and out of, you know.
07:15You know.
07:16And it is lovely to find a nice high seat.
07:28Things were better in the old days.
07:29Oh, they were.
07:30Fast.
07:37Come in from the back.
07:41Oh.
07:44Oh.
07:44Oh, yeah.
07:47Come in.
07:48Come on.
07:48That is brilliant.
07:49Our car was coming along nicely.
07:52We removed the Fiat Badgers, which were a bit foreign.
07:56And replaced them with something more appropriate.
08:01Hammond then softened the suspension.
08:04And I installed a pet cage.
08:07The cat bolted to the roof.
08:08Oh, bolting the cat and bolting the cat cage to the roof.
08:11And then it'd be up here and I won't get asthma.
08:14As I was busy with my cat carrying system, Hammond decided to make some covers for the front seats.
08:22Weirdly, I've used this as my inspiration.
08:24It's a BAC Mono.
08:26Because it's a track car, it's got no roof or doors or windows.
08:29So they'd line the interior with this special material.
08:32I've got some here in beige, obviously.
08:36Now, it's quite plush.
08:36It feels like sort of suede or even velvet.
08:39But when it gets wet, here's the strange thing.
08:43The water just runs off.
08:44Look at that.
08:45You'd think it'd be ruined, but it just flies away.
08:47And I'm going to use it to make what I shall call inconti seat covers.
09:03By the evening, our car was finished.
09:08I think we've created something really rather brilliant.
09:19Now, listen, I've got a couple of questions for you.
09:22First of all, this.
09:27Yeah.
09:27Underneath the brake pedal, I've fitted one of these.
09:30So you know which pedal you're hitting.
09:33Oh, I see.
09:34So there's no chance of unintended acceleration.
09:37Yeah.
09:37Yeah.
09:38That's a big problem.
09:39Solved.
09:40Am I pushing the right pedal?
09:42There you go.
09:43Yes, I am.
09:43There's an audible reminder.
09:47That's brilliant.
09:48Not only that, but the nature of the noise?
09:51Yes.
09:52It's funny.
09:54When it comes to cadence braking.
09:57Oh, that is lovely.
09:58Because a cadence braking situation is a panic situation.
10:01Yes, but.
10:02But that sprinkles some comedy into it.
10:06And then the next one I've got really is this.
10:08Well, I've been thorough here.
10:09I've addressed all the senses.
10:11Because look.
10:12Magnified glass.
10:13Let's have a look.
10:15Whoa.
10:17Next, we tested my new speedometer.
10:20Taking it up to five.
10:24Seven.
10:26Nine miles an hour.
10:29And into fourth.
10:33Go straight up.
10:35Ten.
10:37But then disaster.
10:42It's gone.
10:44What?
10:44The cat.
10:45No.
10:47The cat had not fared well.
10:50It's dead.
10:52Then a young policeman arrived.
10:55Where was the cat before?
10:57It's there, but the...
10:58So is it your cat or...?
11:00It's dead.
11:02And his name?
11:03Tiddles.
11:03Dead.
11:04Tiddles.
11:05Ex-cat.
11:09After giving the cat a decent burial.
11:14We decided to find out how our car would go down with some actual old people.
11:19So we set off to an old people's home.
11:23Turn right at the newfangled mini roundabout.
11:26And on the way, I showed Hammond another of my special features.
11:32Now, the radio, Hammond, just one station.
11:39It's the music from the Horse of the Year show.
11:42And old people love that, because you can clap along to it.
11:46Very nice.
11:46Does it tune into any of the stations?
11:48No.
11:49That's it.
11:50They just place it on a loop constantly.
11:52But why do you want anything else?
11:53What if you get in your car after your children have been driving it,
11:57and they've left it tuned to Radio 1?
11:59Or worse still, Radio 2 and that talk show man who does, you know...
12:04Jeremy Vine.
12:05There you go.
12:05They have those difficult topics.
12:06They're unsuitable.
12:07Or by pregnancy.
12:09Exactly.
12:10However, there was a problem.
12:16I can't stop clapping.
12:18Seriously, I can't stop clapping.
12:20This is a safety piece.
12:21This is a massive design fault.
12:22This is a safety piece.
12:22Turn it off.
12:24Eventually, we arrived at the old people's home.
12:29Well done. That was lovely.
12:32And went to find a testing team.
12:35So you're Miriam.
12:37I am, yes.
12:38And you're Betty.
12:38Yes.
12:39I'm Barbara.
12:40And you're Barbara.
12:41And this is the car that we've...
12:43What is she called?
12:44No, this is the James.
12:46Called the James.
12:46James.
12:47The James.
12:47The Rover James.
12:49Oh, it's a Rover.
12:50Yeah.
12:50First impressions, what do we think?
12:52That's wonderful.
12:54This material is waterproof.
12:56Oh, good.
12:57So if there's any little accidents, don't you worry.
13:01However, there was an issue with the Shackleton rear seating.
13:05Have you got a hoist?
13:07That bit there.
13:08Yeah.
13:08See, in the advert for the chairs, we were told they were very easy to get into and out of,
13:12you know.
13:12Get me bottom round.
13:13Should we get a nurse to do this?
13:15To an older...
13:16No, I'll do it if it kills me.
13:18Well, we'd rather it didn't.
13:19Oh, right.
13:20I was going to say.
13:20There's a lot of paperwork.
13:21I'm so sorry.
13:23Can I help at all?
13:24Yay!
13:25With both our dignity nearly intact.
13:33Lovely.
13:37With the testing team on board, we set off to the Bulls Club.
13:42Don't overdo it. Not with your back.
13:44Look at the speed we're going now.
13:46Three miles an hour, as you can see.
13:48Oh, isn't this absolute fun.
13:55Soon, we reached our destination.
13:57Here we are, ladies, at the bowling club.
14:00Oh, lovely.
14:02And Hammond insisted I show off his new parking sensors.
14:07Just keep going.
14:08Yeah, keep going.
14:10But you know there's no bumper on the back.
14:12Just keep backing up.
14:14Ignore the noise. Pretend you can't hear that at all.
14:18What did he hit?
14:21External, rear-mounted airbag.
14:24But...
14:25It's genius.
14:25Excuse me a minute.
14:27Three quite elderly ladies in there have now all had heart attacks.
14:31Look at it.
14:32There is that.
14:33Ladies, I do apologise for that.
14:36When have you ever experienced banging like that?
14:38The war.
14:39When the bombs dropped.
14:40So you're saying that because these ladies live through the war, they're capable of dealing with a bang of that
14:48nature?
14:48Yeah.
14:50Leaving the ladies to play bowls, we went off to buy food for a picnic.
14:56What about some Battenbergs or is that too German?
14:58It is too German, isn't it?
15:04Sandwich spread.
15:05Potted meat.
15:06Beef spread.
15:07They must have ginger beer in Christchurch.
15:10Ginger beer is a bit racy, don't you think?
15:12No.
15:12They love it.
15:13Enid Blyton used to rub herself with it.
15:15There it is.
15:16Peruvian, Greek.
15:19Brazilian.
15:19Holland.
15:20Dutch.
15:21Grown in the UK.
15:23With the shopping finished, it was time to demonstrate yet another feature of the James.
15:29If you've got osteoporosis, arthritis, lumbago.
15:33Or rheumatism.
15:34Or rheumatism.
15:35Then lifting your heavy shopping into the boot can be, well, very difficult indeed.
15:41But with this genius solution, not a problem.
15:44Bring the trolley up to the back.
15:45That's easy.
15:46Lift.
15:47Drop in.
15:47Job done.
15:48How brilliant is that?
15:53Having picked the ladies up, we set off for our picnic.
15:58Where did you get that buzz from?
16:01It's a squeaky ball he's got underneath the brake.
16:05Sadly, because it was an English summer's day, it soon started to rain.
16:10Which revealed a bit of a design flaw.
16:13Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
16:16Oh, no, no, no, what's happened here?
16:18Oh, that's a lot of water coming in now.
16:21This is a disaster that we've had, Hammond.
16:24I think some of our modifications have interfered with the waterproofing.
16:28Is it all on you, dear?
16:30It's all a great stream down there.
16:34And look at this spirit of the Blitz going on as well.
16:36This is what makes us great.
16:38The Americans would be weeping now.
16:40Oh, they'd be making a fuss, Chris.
16:41What could with that?
16:42Nothing.
16:42We had just the thing to raise our spirits even more.
16:55Can't help it.
16:56You can't, can you?
16:58Oh, no, the Constabulary.
16:59Oh, not again.
17:00Sorry, officers.
17:01Nothing to see here.
17:05Eventually, we arrived at exactly the sort of picnic spot elderly people love.
17:15There we go.
17:16Now, if we pop it, what, just here?
17:18Yeah.
17:19Look at that for a sunset picnic.
17:29Having rescued what we could from the ruined shopping trolley...
17:33Mr Kipling, bread.
17:35This is all soaked.
17:36We settled down to do what all old people do when they're on a picnic together.
18:05The next morning, we left Christchurch, generally quite pleased with how things had gone.
18:11Oh, water.
18:13Leaking again.
18:15There are a few things we need to address.
18:18There's the, well, obviously, there's the waterproofing.
18:20The Shackleton easychairs that aren't, as it turned out, so easy to get in and out of, you know.
18:25The irresistible clapping machine.
18:27Yeah.
18:29Hold on, if we carry on along here, we'll have to get on the motorway.
18:32Yes, I know, and that will give us the opportunity to test a feature that I fitted.
18:39Oh, God, what?
18:40Well, you know you're always reading, erm, in the newspapers about an old person who's driven 30 miles the wrong
18:46way down the M1.
18:47Yeah.
18:48Well, I fitted something that'll stop that happening.
18:51How?
18:52Well, now look, you see here, it's not clearly marked.
18:55It's easy to go the wrong way down that slip road.
18:59I just did.
19:00Exactly.
19:01Watch this.
19:02Here we go.
19:06Oh, I see.
19:07That's clever.
19:08That's good.
19:09But, if I miss the signs, I could just as easily miss all this.
19:13Yeah, okay.
19:13Keep going.
19:14Oh, this is going to be, oh.
19:16Keep going.
19:27There you go.
19:28There you go.
19:29You idiot.
19:30What?
19:31Well, it's ruined.
19:33Yes, but I can't go on the motorway going the wrong way.
19:36No, we can't go anywhere because you exploded the car.
19:40Exactly.
19:40We're alive.
19:41Everybody on that motorway is alive.
19:43This is the best solution ever.
19:46I've wet myself again.
19:49Another pair of trousers ruined.
19:51Anyway, I'd like to move on to government-funded safety adverts called public information films.
19:56These used to be on TV all the time.
19:59But now, with cuts and so on, they aren't.
20:02So, Jeremy and James decided to bring them back by making a safety film about cycling.
20:09Oh dear.
20:13Having come up with a cracking idea, I appointed myself as director, gathered together a small cast and crew, and
20:22set to work.
20:23The whole point of this is to be with you on the swing and try and look doctorish.
20:29That pen isn't very medical, I'm afraid.
20:32Action.
20:33I love it.
20:34Golden.
20:35Yeah.
20:35First positions, let's go again.
20:38If you could be opposite each other on this three-pronged arrangement.
20:42Arms out, singing in the rain.
20:49Good.
20:50And action.
20:51Good swinging.
20:53Nice.
20:54I'm liking this.
20:57When my film was finished, Jeremy and I went to Westminster Council to show it to the panel of experts.
21:05There was Chris Boardman, Policy Advisor for British Cycling.
21:09Martin Lowe, City Transport Commissioner.
21:13And Alan Kennedy, Road Safety GB.
21:17The good news is we have two films for you to look at.
21:21No, we have one.
21:22No, two.
21:23There's two.
21:24Why don't you show them yours first of all, which I believe is that one there.
21:29Gentlemen, if you'd like to relax whilst I just insert this in the machine.
21:49You stopped playing with children's toys when you grew up.
21:53So why ride a bicycle?
21:57Oh, I did a skid!
21:59Act your age.
22:01Get a car.
22:07You just haven't got it, have you?
22:08What's that?
22:09Absolutely crazy.
22:10Well, no, I can see you're disappointed just in the way you're looking.
22:13James, they're disappointed with your work.
22:16May I just play you this one, if I may?
22:18Just let me show you this one, because I think this will rectify the problem which has begun already.
22:26John works hard, which means that he can afford to drive a car.
22:33Work harder, get a car.
22:37Terrible.
22:38Sorry.
22:38Absolutely terrible.
22:39You just got it wrong.
22:40Dreadfully wrong.
22:41Where's the cyclist?
22:42Yeah.
22:43Mangled at the end.
22:44What was the brief?
22:46Well, we're trying to make cycling safer, and we thought the best way to do that is to stop people
22:51cycling.
22:52But the message you should be getting across is that people need to be considerate towards each other.
22:56I'm not sure they're going to like our poster idea that we had as well, but we came up with
23:01that.
23:07We did spell it wrong.
23:10I think we're going entirely the wrong direction.
23:12Entirely the wrong direction.
23:13Have you actually spoken to a cyclist?
23:15Well, no.
23:16Well, maybe that would be a good idea.
23:18Or even try it yourself.
23:21And so we put on some cycling clothes and went on a fact-finding trip around London's glittering West End.
23:29Come on, Jeremy.
23:31I'm behind you.
23:33This sounds my battle for pedestrians.
23:37Look at him.
23:38He's wearing normal clothing, the lunatic.
23:41You'll be killed.
23:42You'll never make it.
23:46Right, so the light just went red, so that means go when you're on a bicycle.
23:51And soon we were picking up valuable information.
23:56Taxi driver.
23:56Very polite.
23:57Thank you very much, sir.
23:59Another taxi.
24:00Extremely polite.
24:03Yeah, look at that.
24:04You see?
24:04He politely let me go.
24:09I've been riding now for three hours.
24:11And not a single car driver has done anything annoying.
24:17You'd imagine that cycling around Hyde Park Corner, which is what I'm doing now, would be as dangerous as juggling
24:23chainsaws.
24:24But if you keep your eyes open and you're courteous, it's fine.
24:32Every car's given me six-foot berth, taxis, vans.
24:35Yeah, all the cars and vans have been very decent.
24:38And I'm not seeing...
24:38That's my complaint.
24:40But there was one type of road user who wasn't courteous at all.
24:44Look at this idiot.
24:50Oh, God, a buff.
24:52So that bus just overtook me, so I have to now go on the wrong side of the road.
24:57And do you get that?
24:58And now he's just set off.
25:01See?
25:01And I'm stuck on the wrong side of the road.
25:05These are the problem, I've decided.
25:08The buses.
25:09Because all of the drivers think they are literally Lord, God Almighty.
25:17Bloody murder.
25:19Now they're giving me a wide berth.
25:21Oh, shit.
25:21The bus is going to kill me!
25:23You're going to kill me!
25:25Keep going, keep going.
25:26He's a homicidal maniac!
25:29And another one!
25:30Ah!
25:32Ah!
25:34No, don't do that!
25:36Why do they put bicycles in the bus lane?
25:40Whoa!
25:40Whoa!
25:45And then, just to round things off...
25:47Whoa!
25:48Oh!
25:49No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
25:51What are you doing?
25:52Look, the chain's come off.
25:55Sorry.
25:58I know, there's nothing much I can do, isn't there?
26:00Go over here.
26:01Why can't they build a machine where the chain stays on?
26:04You've got that deraillium miles out of adjustment, though.
26:07I don't know what you're talking about. What is a deraillium?
26:09It's the thing that moves the chain across. You've bent it.
26:12So the gearbox on this is broken?
26:14Well, we're going to have to sell it and buy another one.
26:17After James had mended my geranium, he gave me a stern lecture.
26:21Bicycle maintenance...
26:22The reason people have accidents on bicycles is because of things like
26:25the brakes not working, worn out, wheel bearing's bad,
26:28those out of adjustment, that out of adjustment, this not...
26:31You know, that's... It's really easy, bicycle maintenance.
26:33You only need about three spanners and a screwdriver.
26:35It's all right there.
26:39With the fact-finding mission over,
26:41we felt we'd become fully paid-up members of the cycling community.
26:48Have you got the arts pages?
27:01It seems to me, for our public information film, what we should do
27:05is make cycling attractive to bus passengers,
27:10because then there'd be no need for buses,
27:14and they're the biggest problem on the road.
27:16Not just for cyclists, but also for...
27:18Cars, yes.
27:19Cars as well. So, if we get rid of buses,
27:22remove the demand for buses...
27:24We get an extra lane.
27:26Everybody wins.
27:28A few days later, we cycled to the Top Gear office
27:31to discuss some new ideas for our important public information film.
27:37I think what that does is it dissuades people from using the bus.
27:43Yeah, but it isn't true.
27:44It is.
27:45It isn't.
27:46It is. I went on a bus once and I got an eye infection.
27:49Some people get diphtheria or rickets or scurvy.
27:52It's nonsense. It's not going to work.
27:54I then showed Jeremy something I'd put together.
27:58Hello, cyclists.
27:59I'm here today to talk to you about bicycle maintenance.
28:04Let's start with the most important part of a bike.
28:06You simply rotate this adjuster
28:08until the brake blocks are almost in contact with the wheel,
28:11lock it with the nut,
28:13and then...
28:16The chain and the sprockets will grind together.
28:20Make sure there is no play in the steering head bearings.
28:24If there is, if you can feel a little...
28:26How much more is there of this?
28:28Well, quite a lot, but...
28:30How long is this?
28:3158 minutes.
28:33What, a 58-minute thing?
28:35Well, it's more of a public information documentary, if I'm honest.
28:41Annoyingly, James's other ideas were even worse.
28:46Action!
28:51Why is he dressed up as Hitler?
28:53Because cyclists need to be visible.
28:57Christ on a bike!
29:02James, you can't do that.
29:04Yes, I can.
29:06For the rest of the day, we tried all sorts of other ideas.
29:11Here we go.
29:14Oh!
29:20But what's it supposed to be?
29:22It's a cyclist after an accident.
29:25I couldn't use an actual cyclist, could I?
29:27So, for example, the double mini roundabout, okay?
29:31So, you come round here, then it's your right of way going up here, but...
29:36Action!
29:40After a great deal of extremely hard work, we ended up with a couple of films that we could take
29:45to our panel of experts.
29:48Before we show them to you, do you remember the early public information films from...
29:52It was, yeah.
29:53And they always picked on some very specific details, so it was, don't put a rug on a polished floor
29:58or don't fish under power lines.
29:59They were very tight.
30:01And so, we've tried to focus on very specific details of cycling that we experience.
30:08Um, we hope that, er...
30:11This one first?
30:12Yes, I think that's...
30:14Okay.
30:18Cut the green wire.
30:20For God's sake, do not cut the red wire.
30:23It is imperative you cut the green wire.
30:33Cyclists, red and green. Learn the bloody difference.
30:43Well, I mean...
30:44I'm not sure we're really getting anywhere here.
30:45What are you trying to achieve with that?
30:47Cyclists jump red lights, we know this. Everybody's seen that happen.
30:51It's what annoys people most about bicycles.
30:53This is making the roads a happier place.
30:56Because cyclists wait like they're supposed to.
30:58Car drivers aren't infuriated.
31:00And cyclists don't get knocked off or indeed blown up.
31:03You didn't listen to what we said, did you?
31:05You said we had to make the roads a more harmonious place.
31:08Exploding the cyclists doesn't really get that message across.
31:11Are you really trying to waste our time today?
31:13Because, you know, that is way off.
31:15Well, you want them to jump red lights.
31:17No, we don't want them to jump...
31:18I'm talking about that commercial. It's absolutely wrong.
31:21Well, let's try... Yes.
31:24Yes, please.
31:25This may be more to your taste then, I think.
31:30The former Beatle, John Lennon, has been shot and killed in New York.
31:39Dr Martin Luther King was shot and killed on the balcony of his motel in Memphis.
32:01So, this is a no, isn't it?
32:05So, this is a no, isn't it?
32:17What, just a week off? Something?
32:20A week alone in a cupboard? Anything.
32:23Anyway, on we go to motorhomes.
32:25Now, these are often American-made and therefore massive.
32:29So, for our next challenge, we were each told to go away and make ingenious motorhomes better suited to UK
32:36roads.
32:39Our meeting point was Fleet Services on the M3.
32:45And Richard was the first to arrive.
32:52And there it is.
32:53I am genuinely, genuinely proud of this.
32:57But before I had a chance to talk you through my Land Rover, Jeremy arrived.
33:03What?
33:05In what appeared to be a block of flats on top of an old Citroen.
33:10Whoa!
33:14Look at it!
33:16Come on.
33:19It's enormous.
33:20It's absolutely superb.
33:22Which cock stuck that on top of a Citroen?
33:27To try and bring Richard round, I showed him my interior.
33:32Wow! It's three storey!
33:35Japanese contemplation area here.
33:38Very useful.
33:40Upstairs, two hammocks and full cooking facilities with a grill.
33:45With the tour over, Clarkson turned his attention to my Land Rover.
33:51This is hideous.
33:52It's stone effect, which is right for the whole Land Rover thing.
33:56It's...
33:56It's hideous, baggy...
33:59Yes.
34:02Perfect, you see.
34:03Please tell me this is not real.
34:05Yes, it is.
34:05You're joking!
34:07If you need it, it's there.
34:10All we had to do then was wait for James.
34:14Whoa!
34:15It's an old Lotus with a roof box.
34:17I didn't expect that.
34:20Wow!
34:22You haven't got the idea of it at all.
34:24No, no, no, no.
34:25This is actually a very good idea.
34:27This is inspired by the work of the pioneer aviators.
34:31It's extremely light.
34:32It's brilliant.
34:33Hammond.
34:35It's a roof box with a sleeping bag in it.
34:38Yeah.
34:38Where's your bog?
34:40There.
34:41Oh, where your head is.
34:42And how do you go on that?
34:44The roof goes up.
34:45It's not a motorhome.
34:46It is.
34:47It's a motorhome with accommodation on it.
34:49What's this?
34:50Why's it got that?
34:51Stability.
34:52At this point, we were interrupted by the arrival of a challenge.
34:57Here we go.
34:58This is it.
34:58It says you are going on a camping holiday.
35:01Yes, that's a win.
35:02Where?
35:02He loves camping.
35:04Oh, yeah.
35:04In Cornwall.
35:06Yeah!
35:07That's going to be great.
35:08What's great about Cornwall?
35:10Cornwall's lovely.
35:11You'll have sand in your food.
35:13You'll be freezing cold if you go anywhere near the sea.
35:15Yeah, but the food will be stuff you'll recognise.
35:17You'll be able to read the road signs.
35:19I prefer...
35:20Why don't we go to France?
35:21Can I finish the...
35:22You're going to get...
35:22Stop being a wimp.
35:24You are going...
35:25Are going on a camping holiday in Cornwall.
35:28This is 215 miles from where you are now.
35:32So, with my heart singing, it was time to show the world
35:36that a new era in motorhoming had begun.
35:39We roll.
35:41There we go.
35:51Ah!
35:52Ah!
35:53Ah!
35:53Oh!
35:54Oh, my God!
35:56No!
35:57This is terrifying!
35:58It's an...
35:59I can't begin to describe what this feels like.
36:02It's...
36:02It's...
36:03Okay.
36:04Wallowing quite badly.
36:06I asked James to pull in behind and assess the ground.
36:09gravity of the situation.
36:10But he wasn't much help.
36:12Ha!
36:13Ha!
36:14Ha!
36:15Ha!
36:16Ha!
36:17Ha!
36:19Ha!
36:21Ha!
36:22Ha!
36:22Ha!
36:22Ha!
36:24Ha!
36:24Ha!
36:25Ha!
36:52Hammond?
36:53Yes!
36:54I may have made a mistake.
36:56Where?
36:57Well, I added this escape chute so that I can go from my
37:02aeroplane fuselage into the back seat of the car.
37:04Yes.
37:05Which is here.
37:05It's very good.
37:06But I've covered up the filler flap.
37:09Oh, my God!
37:10Jeremy, no!
37:11No, no, no, no!
37:12What?
37:12Seriously, you're going to hit it?
37:14Yeah, that's quite close.
37:15Yeah, but...
37:16Unlike your two cars...
37:18Yes.
37:19Ready?
37:25Oh, yes.
37:27Yes!
37:30Soon, refuelling was underway.
37:36Here we go.
37:36Ha!
37:37Ha!
37:38Ha!
37:38Ha!
37:40That's an all-new...
37:41I've never seen a lockable fuel filler cap where you need to sort.
37:45It's very secure.
37:49Refuelling over, we headed on our way.
37:52And several perilous miles later...
37:58We've finally reached Cornwall.
38:02We're on the go now pretty much seven hours.
38:06Could have flown to New York in that time.
38:09But no.
38:10Here, drizzled.
38:12Cold.
38:13Frightened.
38:15And all I have to look forward to is camping with a...
38:19A lunatic and a retard.
38:21But then...
38:22Oh, no.
38:24I've got a warning light.
38:26Guys, I've got a warning light on the dashboard that says stop.
38:31As you'd expect, the happy campers chose to ignore my distress signal.
38:37Oh, yeah.
38:38That looks a suitable holiday destination.
38:41I think so.
38:45Holy moly.
38:47It's actually had diarrhea, is what's happened here.
38:52At the campsite, I settled down to watch Hammond's creation take shape.
38:57Oh, yeah.
38:59Oh, yeah.
39:01Ow!
39:06I'm brave.
39:08Having got the block of flats going again, Jeremy eventually joined us.
39:13This is gripping.
39:14Ah!
39:16What are you doing?
39:18Finishing touches.
39:21No.
39:24An hour later, Jeremy and I were bored.
39:27Is there a pub?
39:28There was.
39:30So we went to it, leaving Hammond to carry on building.
39:34I see this as a sort of club room.
39:37Darts.
39:39Hanging out with your mates.
39:42Shall we order Hammond something?
39:43I'm thinking of the beer-battered fishes.
39:45Pea puree, tartar sauce and real chipped out-locked beer,
39:49out-locked better than out-locked fish, out-locked fish.
39:51He doesn't like fish. He doesn't eat fish.
39:53He doesn't fish.
39:54He might eat a free-range egg.
39:58When we got back from the pub, Hammond was still going.
40:01Dude, is this his motorhome?
40:04I don't believe that.
40:05That is outrageous.
40:07Come in, dude, come in.
40:09This is the bed.
40:11Sorry.
40:13I'll give you a quick squeeze round if you like.
40:15Yeah, sure.
40:16This is the library here.
40:18So you've got a library?
40:19Library.
40:20This is the dining room.
40:21Waiting dining room furniture.
40:23Bloody Lord.
40:25Oh, mind that.
40:28What's in here?
40:29Look at this.
40:30I just think he's got an ancestral portrait.
40:32Yes, I have.
40:32A great uncle.
40:33This is great uncle yourself.
40:35Yeah, it is.
40:36Yeah.
40:39With the very lengthy tour over, it was time to get some sleep.
40:45This is my...
40:46These are my night clothes that I like to wear.
40:51There we go.
40:52There we go.
40:53Ah.
40:57No!
41:00Still, could be worse.
41:08Oh, God!
41:09Come on!
41:22The next morning, mercifully, the wind had died down, but it had taken its toll.
41:30Oh, dear.
41:32Oh, dear.
41:33Oh, look.
41:35So it's done the same in the games room?
41:36Yeah, brought the roof down onto the pool table, and the living room, and the cinema.
41:41I promise you, Hammond, it was worse for me.
41:43How can it be worse for you? The roof fell in on my library.
41:45I promise you, it was worse for me.
41:47What's worse than that?
41:50Oh, yeah.
41:51That's worse.
41:54Morning.
41:55Oh, God.
41:57Is that just the wind did that?
41:59Oh, yeah. No, a big giant came.
42:03After a revolting breakfast in Hammond's Citadel, Jeremy pulled out all the stops to get his citron righted.
42:10So we've had cold beans.
42:12Yep.
42:13I'm sorry I didn't think you're raw bacon.
42:15At least I remembered them.
42:19That is my Japanese garden. Look at it. Just leaking out.
42:23It's up. It's the right way up.
42:24Oh, hello.
42:24Get some more. Oh, God.
42:32Our next challenge was to cook a three-course meal in our motorhomes, using whatever ingredients we could find at
42:39a nearby petrol station.
42:42Sit rep. Don't like driving my citron. Don't like sleeping in my citron.
42:47Almost certainly won't like cooking in it either.
42:52Oh, my God.
42:54No, no, no, no, no!
42:57Now I have crashed into a petrol station.
43:00James said he'd do the starter, Richard the pudding and me the main course. But this was the sticks.
43:08So, do you have any steak?
43:11No.
43:11Pork?
43:12No.
43:13Uh, lamb.
43:15No.
43:17Bacon.
43:21Despite the lack of choice, we soon had enough for our dinner.
43:27So, back at the campsite, we parked up.
43:33And got cooking.
43:35Right, what I'm going to cook tonight is spam slices coated with a crushed, cheesy, popular snack item.
43:43So, first, using the fork, you crush up your cheesy comestibles.
43:47I'm going to make Eaton Mess cross with trifle.
43:50I couldn't find any of those sponge fingers.
43:52But then I had an absolutely brilliant idea.
43:54I'm going to use bread.
43:56Lining the bowl with the sponge fingers.
43:59Now we put our ice cream yoghurt in.
44:02Like that.
44:04Right, the water is boiling, so it's time to start preparing the vegetables.
44:09Here they are.
44:11So, thin slices, about an eighth of an inch, or about 2.5 millimetres in Roman Catholic.
44:17But flavour the flowers with just a couple of pickled onions.
44:24Ow! Ow!
44:26I need a handle for that.
44:27Now, I'm monitoring everything at this point very carefully, because the last time I tried to cook on a campsite,
44:33the caravan caught fire, you may remember.
44:36And the one next to it.
44:38So, I can't be...
44:41Holy cow, what's that?
44:45Get an extinguisher, man.
44:46I haven't got one.
44:47Who's got an extinguisher?
44:48I've got one there.
44:50Who's got a safety thing on it?
44:53Who's put a health and safety thing on it?
44:58James, are you not going to get out?
45:00I can't. It takes half an hour.
45:02Hammond then found another extinguisher, but unfortunately, there was a height issue.
45:08That's not working.
45:10No, left a bit. Right, no, the other way, the other way, the other way!
45:14This is all working terribly well. I think mine's going to be ready quite soon, but we're not going to
45:17have anywhere to eat it, because I believe the plan was to eat in Hammond's dining room, which has just
45:23burnt down.
45:27We decided to abandon the cooking and cracked open a liquid supper instead.
45:34That's the first time we've seen the sun, gentlemen, since we...
45:38Well, that makes it worthwhile, doesn't it?
45:40That's not bad.
45:40Listen.
45:43All you can hear is just the creaking of the embers in his...
45:47Yeah, just my...
45:48...burning motorhome.
46:00Out.
46:01Just get out.
46:02And you.
46:02Out.
46:04Out.
46:07Oh, God.
46:09Look at it.
46:12And on that note...
46:28After James had failed to wipe his bottom with any dignity, we decided to go to a nearby beauty spot.
46:35James May.
46:36Jeremy Clarkson.
46:38What's it like driving around under a bucket of your own faeces?
46:42Are you going to fall over today for our entertainment?
46:49Ah!
46:50Oh!
46:54As we drove along, we began to realise that our motorhoming holiday hadn't been a great success.
47:00Covered in egg and crisps and spam juice, I haven't shaved, I haven't had a proper wash for three days.
47:08The thing about this exercise is that it helps you to appreciate the basic amenities of home life.
47:13You know, a tap, a chair.
47:21Eventually, we made it to the beauty spot.
47:26Oh, yeah.
47:27Now that is a view.
47:29It's more like it, yeah.
47:32I think it's fabulous.
47:33Yeah.
47:34This is all right.
47:35Right now, I'm quite enjoying motorcaravan.
47:38Yeah, I'm enjoying it.
47:39It's the first time since we set off that motorhoming is making sense.
47:42Guys!
47:44What?
47:44There's a pub down there.
47:46Yes, very nice.
47:47I'm going to the pub.
47:48Look, I'm going for an ice cream.
47:50Will you bring one back?
47:51I would really like...
47:52I've been thinking about ice cream for three days.
47:54I will bring you back an ice cream, would you?
47:56All right.
47:56And then everyone will go, they really do get on those three.
47:59Yeah.
47:59Okay.
48:01While Jeremy was gone, I'm afraid we hatched a plan.
48:07See where it drops away to the edge of the cliff?
48:09Mm-hmm.
48:10If we pushed his car there, just park it on the edge.
48:14It won't be able to go forwards, obviously.
48:16No, I know what you think.
48:17And never back it up.
48:18That's brilliant.
48:20Go on, stick it down there, because he'll see it from the bottom,
48:23and he'll see the tower on the edge.
48:25He's taking the...
48:26Well, push it, push it, push it.
48:32That's good.
48:34Mm-mm.
48:35That's very good.
48:37Handbrake's off.
48:39I'll just give it...
48:40Just get it right to the edge.
48:41Yeah, yeah.
48:42I reckon if we...
48:43Oh, hang on.
48:44Well, that's...
48:44Oh, sh**!
48:45In weather like this, among scenery like that, holidaying in England, even in a motorhome,
48:53does make sense.
48:56Is that alright?
48:59What?
49:07What's that?
49:09And if you'd like to buy a hat just like Jeremy's, there's something wrong with you.
49:14Well, that's it for this programme.
49:15I hope you've enjoyed the stupidity and skin knuckles as much as I almost certainly didn't.
49:20Until next time, goodbye.
49:23Bye.
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