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Top Gear Ambitious But Rubbish S01E03
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00:22Hello and welcome to Top Gear ambitious but rubbish as highbrow TV programmes go this
00:29this is not one of them
00:35That was majestic
00:38Stop
00:40I may be going sideways slightly
00:45Now every winter in Britain people complain that roads get blocked by snow and there aren't enough snow ploughs
00:52that's because snow ploughs are expensive
00:55but do they have to be?
00:57We thought not so we set out to create a cheaper snow plough by basing it on an existing vehicle
01:03one that usually lies idle during winter months
01:06the combine harvester
01:11This is the result of our endeavours
01:25and straight away you can see we've removed the rotating cutty harvesty blade thing off the front and replaced it
01:31with this snow blade
01:33It's v-shaped because that makes it more easy to cut through the snow and this should be able to
01:38move through snow up to three feet deep
01:40No problem
01:44Power comes from a V8 diesel engine which drives these chunky front wheels
01:49and in the snow as any BMW driver will tell you front wheel drive is a lot better than rear
01:55wheel drive
01:56and the combine when you think about it
01:58it's almost as though it was designed with snow clearance in mind
02:01it's uncanny everything about it you've got the ground clearance
02:04knobbly tires front wheel drive the weight of it
02:06it's all there
02:07it's one of those times on top gear where you look and think
02:10actually
02:11actually
02:12we've accidentally been a bit clever
02:14this might work
02:17this might work
02:18Since the Dominator has a top speed of just 12 miles an hour
02:21it was easy to decide which one of us would be the driver
02:27What happens if I put it on full?
02:31Don't like that
02:34Give me the beans!
02:36Faster!
02:37It's not like a rally car
02:40You can see rear wheel steering look
02:43It's not very sensitive steer
02:49Oh
02:50There is of course
02:52one tiny drawback to the combine as a snowplough
02:56because it was designed
02:58to work in August
02:59it has no heater
03:00which is why there's a drum in there
03:03you can probably see through the window
03:04and that's well it's an urn
03:07we've put that in there
03:09full of
03:09well we wanted tea
03:10but James said
03:11I want Bovril
03:12because he's in 1950
03:14we all know that when it's snowing and it's cold
03:16you have Bovril
03:17that's a rule of life
03:19he likes to paint himself all over in it
03:21it's like
03:22it's like baby oil to him
03:24that's what he does
03:25Bovril
03:26him and his lorry driver friends all Bovril'd up
03:28and then they slip about
03:30that's what they do
03:35besides attaching a plough on the front
03:37we'd also converted the tube
03:39that normally shoots out the harvested wheat
03:41into a makeshift gritter
03:47I should be responsible for shoveling the grit
03:49from here into this hopper there
03:51should be good at this
03:53because my first job was in fact
03:54shoveling grit into a water filtration plant
03:56go on then
03:57shovel
03:58make shoveling
03:59and while he's doing that
04:01I shall explain my role
04:02erm
04:03I can use this lever here
04:05to swing the arm
04:07to direct the flow of grit
04:08either onto the pavement
04:10or onto the road behind
04:12yes
04:13look at this
04:14okay James
04:16initiating gritting
04:23rems
04:25yes
04:26and there was grit
04:27ha ha
04:28we've made a gritting machine
04:31but there was one more check we wanted to do
04:37you know what it's like when you're following the gritting lorry on the motorway
04:40and there's that
04:40you think oh no it's turning my car into a DeLorean
04:43yeah exactly so to make sure this isn't too powerful
04:46we've got Hammond in a car
04:49who's just going to come in here
04:50we're going to do a little experiment
04:51fire the gritter at it
04:52make sure it doesn't actually take the paint off
04:54okay
04:54you're all right sideways won't you
04:55yeah yeah
04:59okay James
05:01engage
05:03initiating gritting
05:09oh god stop it James
05:10there's been a problem
05:11make it stop
05:14in the car
05:18apart from the fact the grit would kill the occupants of any car it hit
05:23we felt the dominator was ready to start work
05:28but there was a problem
05:34It's not going to snow, is it?
05:37With crossed fingers, we tuned into the weather forecast.
05:40Good afternoon. We're going to see a change in our weather later on this week.
05:43Temperatures really starting to climb. Things heading much milder.
05:47We've had a fair bit of cloud around already.
05:48Good evening. Well, the good news is there's absolutely no sign of the cold air returning in the near future.
05:53It's a very mild outlook. The reason we've got all this warm air, it's pumping up from the tropics.
05:58Was he? Oh, all right.
05:59He doesn't know everything. He's trying to rub it in, doesn't he? He sounds all beautiful about it.
06:04So, if the snow wouldn't come to the Dominator, we would take the Dominator to the snow.
06:14Here in Norway, we decided to clear the snow from a frozen lake to make a runway.
06:20And then a gnaw would land his plane on it.
06:25This is quite snowy.
06:27It must have snowed.
06:29We knew the ice would be thick enough for a light aircraft, but what about our heavy snowbine?
06:39I thought you'd been drilling for hours.
06:41That was ten seconds and you...
06:42Don't move. Just nobody...
06:44Susie, has that gone through?
06:56Don't...
06:5845 centimetres.
06:5845 centimetres.
06:59So, it's, well, say 50.
07:00Let's say 40.
07:01Well, it's 45.
07:02It's 45.
07:03So, 50 centimetres of ice, 12 tonnes. Combine's more than the tonnes.
07:0913 tonnes.
07:09It's 13 tonnes.
07:10So, we can't do it?
07:12Well, it's only a tonne over.
07:16Bravely, Hammond and the optimistic Jeremy decided not to be on board as I gingerly drove the snowbine out of
07:22the woods.
07:25It's bloody big, this thing. Towards the ice.
07:29Three yards to the lake. This is it!
07:37I don't like that noise.
07:45Eventually, though, I made it.
07:47Did I or did I not say we'd be all right?
07:50Yeah, was that not based entirely on guesswork anyway?
07:53Yes.
07:54Yeah.
07:57But, as my guesswork was correct, we set to work.
08:04We're ploughing.
08:08We're ploughing, chaps. Look at this.
08:14Yeah! Here we go!
08:17The snowbine-ister.
08:20It works!
08:23Yeah!
08:25Ha-ha!
08:25Come on!
08:26Come on!
08:28Yeah, yeah!
08:30This is...
08:34I think we've just gone through it.
08:36Ha-ha-ha-ha!
08:37Yeah, we have.
08:38That's not an emergency.
08:40It's just time to empty your bowels.
08:42Sinking!
08:43Sinking!
08:45Sinking!
08:45Bravely, Jeremy dismounted.
08:48Hi, James. Back it up.
08:49And started issuing orders.
08:52Woo-hoo!
08:54That is sinking badly.
08:56Put your blade down, James.
08:58Because that's just gone through again.
09:00When the combine finally moved, we could see the scale of the peril.
09:06Oh-ho-ho-ho!
09:08That's 300 metres deep.
09:10I mean, it's just...
09:12It's just water.
09:15However, unlike the snowplough people at Heathrow Airport, we decided not to just give up.
09:22Do you know how many flights were cancelled in Heathrow last year because of the weather?
09:303,700.
09:31Do you know how many flights were cancelled at Oslo because of the weather?
09:362,000.
09:37Two.
09:39Heathrow, 3,700.
09:41Because we had one bit of snow.
09:43And as we were proving, all that misery was completely unnecessary.
09:49There really is no excuse.
09:51Heathrow, BAA, if you're watching this, you're pathetic.
09:55And if anybody in a meeting says, oh, well, the reason why it was shut is, sack him.
10:01There is no reason why it was shut because it isn't difficult to clear a runway.
10:06It just isn't.
10:07My rant was interrupted at this point by news from below decks.
10:13The bob roll's boiling.
10:15The bob roll's boiling over.
10:18And up top, Hammond was still fretting about the ice.
10:21Oh, my God.
10:25That's another crack there, look.
10:27Yeah, big one.
10:29When we go through, it's going to be worse for him.
10:32Oh, God, yes.
10:33Because he will be pawing at the glass, desperate.
10:36Right now, though, he was pawing at the steering wheel.
10:40James!
10:42James, go right, you idiot. Stay right. It's a straight line we're looking for.
10:47Yeah, I think this will be a tricky landing, actually, James.
10:50They got into a tank slapper.
10:52Look where we're pointing.
10:54James, the trees indicate land.
10:57Eventually, though, James mastered the rear wheel steer.
11:01I'm waiting to look behind us and see a runway completely light and everything.
11:06That isn't happening, but it's not bad, look.
11:08And pretty soon, the runway was finished.
11:13So we pulled over and radioed the pilot, giving him permission to land.
11:19It's not the smoothest runway.
11:22No, but there's less snow on it than there was.
11:26It is smooth enough, isn't it?
11:27Well, we're about to find out. Here he comes.
11:37Look at that.
11:38Job done.
11:39Ladies and gentlemen.
11:41We did that.
11:43We did that.
11:43How about that?
11:45Sadly, though, our celebrations were premature.
11:50Oh, oh my God.
11:51Yeah, that is quite bumpy.
11:56He's crashed.
11:57He has pretty much crashed there.
12:00At a time like this, there's only one thing a man can do.
12:04Right, quick. Go. Go. Just get in. Go. Go. Go.
12:07Right, James, run.
12:22I am the God of Hellfire.
12:25And I bring you fire.
12:28Yes.
12:30As we entered the town, we all went to action stations.
12:34I'm turning the bubble roll on.
12:37Give it more, Rebs.
12:40Yeah, we got grit. Hammond, you got good grit.
12:44Unfortunately, the communications were a bit ropy.
12:49Stop! Stop! We've hit the building!
12:53Fans are on. Going forwards.
12:56Oh, God! Stop!
12:57Don't stop! Stop! Stop!
12:59James, James, James, stop!
13:01No, drive. No, don't stop. Drive.
13:03Drive, James, drive.
13:05Just drive away.
13:06He did it! He did it!
13:07Annoyingly, it was a dead end, so James had to do a three-point turn,
13:12which he's not that good at in a normal car.
13:18Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
13:20But, if I'm honest,
13:23Jeremy and I weren't much help.
13:25Now! Now! Now!
13:26Hard turn left, I think.
13:27Hard left, hard left.
13:29Up to the right. To the right.
13:30Not now, not now.
13:31Up to the top of the slope.
13:32Not now.
13:33Oh, maybe straight up a bit now.
13:37Straighten up now.
13:38I've also had a wing.
13:39Can you give me sort of clear instructions rather than a load of hysteria?
13:43I've no idea what's going on here.
13:47After much palaver, we finally broke free.
13:51We've damaged it quite badly at the back.
13:53And that house.
13:55Yeah.
13:56But it's okay, because we have gritted at least 30 feet of road.
14:00Yeah.
14:05On the high street, we had yet more success.
14:14I'm in a Ford Sierra Cosmos seat with a flamethrower.
14:19It's not possible to be happier than that.
14:22Here we go. Burning the bank.
14:25We're gritting.
14:27We're flamethrowing.
14:29We've done a bit of ploughing.
14:31It's all marvellous.
14:34It's like we're International Rescue.
14:37We are Thunderbirds.
14:38Cruising Norway.
14:39Looking for people who need our services.
14:42I have to do the three-point turn now, champs.
14:45We're at the end.
14:46I'll provide the rear lighting.
14:49It's like a reversing light.
14:51Yeah, kind of.
14:52It is.
14:53When Jeremy fires his flamethrower,
14:56I can see a little bit in that mirror.
14:58Just keep going backwards, Jen.
15:00Keep going backwards.
15:01Keep going backwards.
15:01Keep going backwards.
15:03Oh, no!
15:04No, no, no, no, no!
15:05Look what I've done!
15:06What have you done?!
15:07Run!
15:08Go, go, go!
15:10Again, there was only one thing to do.
15:13Are we running away?
15:15I've no idea what's happening.
15:19After much driving around and doing things,
15:23we were hungry and the tank was empty.
15:26Dive in here for fuel and a bag of crisps, mate,
15:28and then we'll carry on.
15:32Whoa!
15:33Does he realise how much the back swings out?
15:39I'm going to clear this thing of snow for them.
15:41That'll make them happy.
15:42Watch this.
15:46Cock!
15:50Where have you stopped?
15:51I was trying to clear that thing of snow.
15:53It's got a car in it.
15:56I was going to be helpful and clear that,
15:58and it just...
15:58There was a car...
15:59What, a car?
16:00No, no, it was covered in snow.
16:01I thought it was a pile of snow.
16:02It's not covered in snow.
16:03No, it's not now, you moron.
16:04It was.
16:05I thought...
16:05Why did you run the car?
16:06You ran into a car.
16:08I didn't.
16:08I was trying to be helpful.
16:10There was only one thing to do.
16:12Go, run away, run away.
16:14Run, run.
16:18So far then, we'd crashed a plane, ruined a car, burned a sign and smashed a house.
16:24And then, things got worse.
16:29Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on.
16:31I've jammed.
16:31My flamethrower's jammed.
16:33The flamethrower is jammed.
16:36What are you doing here?
16:37Oh, God, the...
16:40I can see a yellow...
16:41A yellow mist in the mirror.
16:44Oh, God.
16:46There's a man on fire.
16:48Jeremy set fire to a skier, run away.
16:51Run away.
16:52I think if we do get reported to the police,
16:56it's not going to take them very long to find us.
16:59Still, as we weren't actually being stoned by an angry mob,
17:03we went to bed that night, feeling quite cheerful.
17:08However, the next morning, there was bad news.
17:19What does it actually say?
17:20Is it upbeat?
17:22I don't think it's going to be upbeat, is it?
17:41I don't think it's a good idea to stay here any more.
17:47Can I make a suggestion?
17:48Yes.
17:49Since this is a sort of prototype and we're testing it,
17:51why don't we go and test it on, I don't know, a country road
17:53where there's...
17:53just snow.
17:55No people.
17:56No people or cars or buildings or trees or benches.
17:59Let's just try and clear some snow.
18:02This was a good idea.
18:04So we fired up the Dominator and headed for a road so remote
18:08even the Norse had abandoned it to the weather.
18:15A mountain pass called the Road of Terror.
18:19Probably.
18:23If we can open this road, the only one, the Norwegians...
18:28With this?
18:28Yeah.
18:29We've proven we can.
18:30We've proven the worth of this machine internationally.
18:33And I think we'll be forgiven for the small things we've done wrong.
18:36The man on fire has his car inside.
18:42Eventually, we arrived at the gates to a frozen hell.
18:47One of the problems we found yesterday, one of them,
18:50was that you tend to get snow sticking to the plough and building up
18:53and it doesn't work as well.
18:55So, an idea that I had is to cover the plough itself
18:58with a mixture of oil and diesel.
19:01And I'm now doing it because it's my idea.
19:03He's claiming it's his idea.
19:06I happen to know he was talking to a snow plough driver in the bar last night.
19:11Nothing's gonna stick to that.
19:13With the preparations done, we set off.
19:22Come on, Dominator!
19:25Our destination was a desolate hamlet, ten kilometres away.
19:31Oh, look at that!
19:34Boldly ploughing where no Norwegian has ploughed so far this winter.
19:43This is a 1980s machine, so that is a cassette player.
19:48Do you think James is getting lovely up there?
19:50He'll love it.
19:52About £10 million says he's fantasising about being a lone skipper
19:56of some rain-weather-battered taller out of the North Sea.
20:00Oh, no, he didn't mean be a lone skipper,
20:03but with just one quite attractive man in the galley.
20:14With the oiled plough scything nicely through the snow,
20:17Jeremy and I swung into action.
20:28Let's grit!
20:30Oh, yeah!
20:35The gritting is going well, Hammond.
20:42Oh, thanks, sir!
20:53I lost my wedding ring!
20:55What?
20:56I've lost my wedding ring!
20:58Has it gone in the thing?
21:00It must have done.
21:03That's a tricky one to explain.
21:07Soon, though, we had bigger things to worry about than Hammond's ring.
21:11Oh, hang on.
21:11Whoa!
21:15What's that?
21:16He nearly went through the windscreen.
21:18But a snowy hillock was no match for the Dominator.
21:22Right, take this, Snow.
21:25Charge!
21:27Roast! Roast! Roast!
21:31Yes!
21:32We're through!
21:33Yes!
21:36However, while the battering round was okay in this lonely place...
21:41No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't do it!
21:44...the rear wheel steering was a nightmare.
21:48No, no, no, no, no!
21:50It's like a tank slapper.
21:53Whoa, on tow!
21:55No!
21:56No, don't do it. It's got a mine of its own.
21:58And on the hills, we had a serious power shortage.
22:03James, is that full speed?
22:06Yes, it is.
22:09Oh, OK, that's enough. Go back to digging holes, don't do that!
22:16Stuck.
22:17If you think about it, a combine harvester is designed to never work in the snow,
22:21or the rain, or on a hill.
22:23It's always flat ground on lovely summer's evenings.
22:26It's out of its comfort zone here.
22:29Which meant that, sadly, so was I.
22:35Jesus.
22:37He'll want the Victoria Cross now for using a shovel.
22:41Yeah, he will.
22:44Shall I just raise the plough and take his head off?
22:46Yes.
22:47Ah, for God's sake!
22:50Each kilometre was now a gruelling challenge.
22:54Oh, go!
22:56Stop!
22:57And my ingenious snow measuring tactic didn't go brilliantly.
23:03Wow!
23:04That's a lot harder there.
23:07But the Top Gear Snowbine kept on moving.
23:11Go! Full power!
23:19Look at us carving a path. Look, that's us.
23:21I know.
23:23This road is open, and will remain so until it snows again.
23:27Tonight, probably.
23:29What's for us?
23:32Warning!
23:32The Top Gear Snowbine Harvester is approaching.
23:35Warning! The Top Gear Snowbine Harvester is approaching.
23:39It's really annoying, this.
23:40For the first time in my life, I've got one of those tannoy things,
23:42and there's absolutely nobody to talk to.
23:50James, there's one kilometre to go.
23:53One kilometre.
23:54This road is open.
23:56Who fancies a celebratory Bovril when we get there?
24:01Unless Bovril's the code word for something dirty,
24:03I don't want to do that.
24:05Hang on. I'm getting a bit of a tank slapper.
24:08It's wandering off.
24:11Oh, no!
24:13Getting a tank slapper, it's flat out!
24:20This time, we come off the road and into a massive snowdrift.
24:30Jesus, what?
24:31That's a lot of snow.
24:32The snow out here that we're in is incredibly deep.
24:38Yes, that's what I feared.
24:39It felt quite deep as it went off the edge.
24:42You see, the extent of the problem is quite big.
24:47The whole machine is...
24:52So, one wheel was stuck and one was spinning uselessly.
24:56Full power!
25:04It's not gonna do it.
25:08Spurred on by the previous day's failures, we dug furiously.
25:17Just for once, I want to do something properly.
25:21No, I want to clear this road and do it.
25:23No talking about.
25:25No talking about.
25:32This is coming out of here.
25:35Rocket bag, now forwards.
25:38Ah, it feels abusive.
25:42I'm wearing the clutch out.
25:44Hang on, it's starting to smell.
25:45Don't stop, James, don't stop, don't stop.
25:48With darkness falling and the temperature dropping,
25:50this was no time for mechanical sympathy.
25:53Come on, James, come on, we can do this.
25:58A bit less left.
26:01Oh, nearly.
26:03Ah, go, go.
26:04Yes, you so broke.
26:10Yes, come on, come on, come on!
26:16It's out!
26:18Yes!
26:19Yes!
26:20Yes, yes, yes, yes.
26:21That's it, climb aboard.
26:25The Dominator surged forwards.
26:29And soon our destination hoved into view.
26:38We are so nearly there.
26:41Look at that.
26:47That is a blaze of glory.
26:50A blaze of glory, grit and bovrum.
26:55Ladies and gentlemen, the top gear snowmine harvester has arrived.
27:02And so there we are.
27:04For once in our wretched lives on this programme,
27:07we'd actually done what we set out to do.
27:11You know what?
27:13What?
27:13We've been ambitious and brilliant
27:15and it's all thanks to the Dominator.
27:17Successful.
27:18Gentlemen, it's been a pleasure ploughing with you.
27:20It's been a joy and an honour.
27:22That was the right road, wasn't it?
27:24Yeah.
27:29A few years back, the mayor of London decided to get rid of the city's hated bendy buses.
27:35But what to replace them with?
27:37I decided to help this decision-making process
27:40by organising a highly scientific bus test
27:43that would in no way end up with everything crashing and getting broken.
27:49To find out what sort of bus is best for a busy city,
27:53obviously you should form some committees and the focus group
27:56and then do some intensive studies into running costs, safety, passenger usage and the environmental impact.
28:03But all of that takes time.
28:05So instead, we're going to sort this using the ultimate crucible of excellence, motorsport.
28:11For anything on four wheels, this is the white heat of the anvil of the spearhead of evolution.
28:17If you want to improve the breed, you go motorsport.
28:20Second is the first of the losers.
28:22You have to win to win, et cetera, et cetera.
28:28Our testing ground is here.
28:31Lydden Hill Circuit in Kent.
28:33A place often described as the Monza of southern England.
28:38By people who've never been to Monza.
28:41It's normally a rallycross circuit, so it is a challenging mix of hairpins and fast sweepers,
28:46tarmac and loose gravel.
28:48Much like central London, in fact.
28:51So, let's meet the candidates for the next London bus.
28:56Representing the double-decker, a 1987 Leyland Olympian.
29:01Representing the single-decker, we have a 1993 Dennis Dart.
29:07Then, on behalf of the current London champion, we have the Mercedes 0305 G.
29:12This, of course, is a bendy bus.
29:15And that means it'll probably spend the day causing crashes and bursting into flames for no obvious reason.
29:20Which is why we've got two of them.
29:25Finally, representing the compact hopper bus, we have a 1997 Metro rider.
29:34Now, because there is so much at stake here, we can't leave the driving to any old bus driver.
29:40So, we've brought in our old friends, the touring car drivers.
29:45Their precise and delicate touch certainly got motorhome racing off to a great start last year.
29:51So, please welcome...
29:54Touring car legend, Anthony Reid.
29:57Touring car legend, Matt Neal.
30:01Touring car legend, Gordon Shedden.
30:03Touring car.
30:05Touring car기.
30:07And hairdressing car legend, Tom Chilton.
30:12Touring carividadavan was better than going to exhaust to the passenger usage.
30:15Touring car tyres.
30:15But if you want to sort out the other important bus stuff, understeer, lift off oversteer, then these are your
30:20men.
30:21Each driver went for their preferred mount, leaving me with the blue and yellow bendy bus.
30:28Now, last time this lot got together with the motorhomes,
30:31to be honest, it all degenerated into a bit of a demolition derby.
30:36But this time, because we're carrying out important research,
30:40they have promised me absolutely no contact.
30:44Yeah.
30:54This is it. We are off.
30:56I'll let the investigations begin.
31:02Interestingly, both bendy buses, 57 feet in length,
31:06but his is mid-engined, mine is rear,
31:10so a good race should sort out which one's best.
31:13True to their word, the touring car race has avoided body contact
31:17for, ooh, at least half a lap.
31:27This is their sensitive touch.
31:31Yeah, that cost me a mirror.
31:34Thinking about it, we have missed one thing out on this test.
31:39Cyclists.
31:40Should have had bicycles on the circuit, perhaps being pedalled by bus drivers.
31:49After two or three laps, I realised that finding the best bus would be harder than I thought.
31:56Because all of them had their good and bad points.
32:02Now, the double-decker, aluminium body, air suspension,
32:06it should have potential here on the track.
32:10But it is compromised in other ways.
32:15No load floor means forward disabled access.
32:22Wow, look at our single-decker go, what a manoeuvre!
32:27And I believe he had the tail abs!
32:28That was majestic!
32:31But it is only licence to carry 24 seated, with a further 21 standing.
32:36And that is where the Fendi bus comes in.
32:39Licence to carry 98.
32:41Whoa!
32:44And the seating is pretty flexible.
32:48So, with all the buses putting forward a good case,
32:52if we were to find a winner, we'd have to turn up the wick.
32:56Fuck!
33:04A common everyday scene from London streets.
33:09This is important work.
33:15First to suffer was the little hopper,
33:18which didn't do too well in the
33:20I'm a bus driver.
33:21And when I pull out, I never use my bloody mirrors manoeuvre.
33:27Oh, that's an evil move being pulled on the diddy hopper there.
33:31Thankfully, nobody would dare mount such an attack
33:33on a bus as big as mine.
33:43Where did he come from, you bloody idiot?
33:50I was limping, and frankly, the other bendy was scoring low on passenger comfort.
33:59The final lap.
34:01Oh my word!
34:02Double-decker coming through.
34:04The last few corners were a straight duel between the single-decker and the double-decker.
34:11But then...
34:18Ignore that, mate.
34:20Just tell the mayor that was a crash test or something.
34:23Our investigation was complete.
34:26We've been thorough, comprehensive.
34:28I've just driven over that man's bonnet.
34:31But we can announce a decision is made.
34:33The best bus for London and any other city is the good old single-decker.
34:39Because it's quick.
34:41I think what we should do now is collate all those findings and get them straight to the mayor's office.
34:47Yeah. Well done, everyone.
34:50You know what that was?
34:51It was science.
34:53As long as you accept that science can sometimes be quite stupid.
34:57In which case, science.
34:58Anyway, we must now move on to my colleague, James May.
35:01And one of Top Gear's oldest nemesis...
35:04Neme...
35:05Neme...
35:06Neme...
35:06Neme...
35:07Neme...
35:07Enemies!
35:12Yes, it's the caravan.
35:15Now, as regular viewers will know, we have done our very best to rid the world of the caravan menace.
35:26I think there's one more, actually.
35:31That is, I think you'll agree, sterling work in our battle to free the roads of these mobile traffic jams.
35:38Sadly, it's a battle we're losing.
35:40There are now almost half a million caravans on UK roads.
35:45And the British are the most prolific caravanning nation in Europe.
35:49A title we've held for almost four years, according to the Caravan Council.
35:54In short, they're building them faster than we can destroy them.
35:57So, we need a scientific approach to getting them off the roads.
36:01And I may have found it.
36:02And...
36:10And...
36:24And...
36:32Oh, my God.
36:56Oh, my God.
36:58Oh, my God.
37:03Oh, my God.
37:09Oh, my God.
37:38Oh, my God.
38:10Oh, my God.
38:31Oh, my God.
38:51Oh, my God.
39:13It's Hunter's Moon Caravan Club, which is just outside Wareham in Dorset.
39:48I've made the booking.
40:18The caravan attachments are still here.
40:22Oh, my God.
40:46Oh, my God.
41:00Yeah.
41:01How not quick is it?
41:03Well, top speed's about 17.
41:0570 miles an hour's not bad in a straight line.
41:08No, no.
41:0917 miles an hour.
41:12Oh, God.
41:12But look, I think Dorset might be a bit far.
41:14But look, I think Dorset might be a bit far.
41:14So I've got a new address for you.
41:16Are you ready?
41:16What?
41:17Another address?
41:18Dale Acres Caravan Club site.
41:20That's in Kent.
41:21Kent?
41:22Yeah.
41:22Probably not my first choice of caravaning destination.
41:24I know, but it's not miles from air bay.
41:26I'll buy you the ice cream.
41:27I'll see you there.
41:31Right.
41:32Campsite number two.
41:33Here we come.
41:39It's now time for a spot of airborne lunch.
41:44This is unquestionably the most powerful cooker ever fitted to a tuna bird caravan.
41:50It's very well cooked on one side.
41:56OK.
41:56Another B road through another village somewhere.
41:59It's all part of the adventure of caravaning.
42:02Back to the Balboni.
42:06The thing is, the basicness just makes it better to drive.
42:09The steering feels so much quicker because there's no four-wheel drive in the way.
42:15And this gear change, the manual box, it just feels...
42:18It's like shaking hands with an old friend.
42:23The only thing that isn't the basic is price.
42:26Because, weirdly, this stripped-out, strictly functional Gallardo costs £163,000, which is 18 grand clearer than the ordinary four
42:36-wheel drive one.
42:38So maybe less really is more.
42:42The Balboni propelled me towards our campsite in Kent.
42:47And then James rang again.
42:50Hello?
42:51Hello?
42:51Are you ringing from the grave?
42:53No, not at all.
42:54It's going marvellously up here, mate.
42:56You'd love it.
42:57There is one slight hitch, though.
42:58Alright, what's up now?
42:59The performance is slightly marginal.
43:02If I get ahead with more than 13 knots, I sort of...
43:05Well, I start to go backwards, really.
43:07What, you can't go into a wind more than 13 knots?
43:10No.
43:10What's the wind speed now?
43:12Well, it was 12.
43:13So what you're telling me is you've just been blown around Britain?
43:17It takes too long to get down to Kent, so I'm going to turn round and go the other way
43:20up to Suffolk.
43:23Right.
43:24Anyway, listen, I've got an address for you.
43:25Why didn't you just ring up and book us into every caravan site in Britain before we left?
43:30Stop nitpicking, will you?
43:35Otto Norbert.
43:36If this airship caravan scheme of his cat is on, what we'll have is the skies full of airships crashing
43:43into each other whenever the wind gets up.
43:45And then the roads full of cars crashing into each other because they have to keep turning round.
43:51Okay, here comes site number three.
43:58With the wind behind me, I headed for our new destination.
44:02Good morning, Caravan. How can I help?
44:04Oh, hi. I was wondering if there were any pictures available at the White House Beach Club this afternoon, please?
44:10What's your surname?
44:12May, M-A-Y.
44:13Could I just ask if you have facilities for people arriving by airship?
44:17By airship?
44:18Right, okay.
44:20Are you actually a member of the Caravan Club?
44:27Here I am in the village of...
44:30of, er, here, this village.
44:33And it's somewhere I would never have seen.
44:36Okay, that's a really, really big tower over there.
44:40And that's...
44:41Well, that's clearly just a danger to caravans, isn't it?
44:44I mean, look at it.
44:45Must remember to tell James about that.
44:48As it turned out, at that moment, James had more than a tower to worry about.
44:55Mayday.
44:56Mayday.
44:57Mayday.
44:58Norwich Golf, Papa Golf, I am about to enter your airspace.
45:03Golf Tangoska, Papa Golf, Norwich.
45:05You are entering an area of intense aerial activity at the moment.
45:09It is imperative that you remain clear and well clear.
45:13Norwich Golf, Papa Golf, sorry.
45:15Norwich cannot comply, have no control over airship owing to wind conditions.
45:20Norwich, Papa Golf, remain well clear.
45:23Norwich cannot comply.
45:25Papa Golf, you have traffic, left, 11 o'clock.
45:28Range of half a mile, fast moving, similar left.
45:31Roger, have visual, Papa Golf.
45:33Papa Golf, further traffic in your right, 3 o'clock.
45:37Right, left.
45:37F*** a big cock.
45:41BBC Radio 1.
45:42Newsbeat.
45:43Right, that's the news report.
45:44No news of a massive fireball burning over Northamptonshire
45:48or of people in the streets being hit by pieces of long burning hair
45:53and bad jumper.
45:55Anyway, I'm probably being pessimistic.
45:58Sure it's going very well.
46:04No! Stay where you are, man!
46:07Golf, Papa Golf, I'm heading very close to the KLM Cityhopper.
46:10Can you advise the police not to start up or take off?
46:13Papa Golf, Norwich, the police helicopter will surely be approaching.
46:18Golf, Papa Golf, police helicopter, really not necessary.
46:20I will attempt to clear your zone at this altitude.
46:23Golf, Papa Golf, please don't call the police.
46:28Golf, Papa Police Helicopter, Oscar Indian 9-9 to Golf.
46:32Sorry, Oscar, call a Golf, we'll see you in heaven.
46:35Roger.
46:36Roger, Golf, Papa Golf.
46:38Cock!
46:39Yeah, I'm certainly a 9-9.
46:40I'm not really aware of your intentions, but you've traded to the controlled airspace
46:45of Norwich Airport.
46:46I may be about to get a colossal aviation bollocking.
46:58Suffolk, popular holiday destination.
47:02Just a few miles away now.
47:06James will have landed.
47:09Set the van up, organised our little home from home.
47:13Probably got the kettle on.
47:18With the wrath of the sky cops still ringing in my ears, finally I reached a caravan site.
47:24I didn't know if it was the one I'd booked into, but it'd do.
47:27Here we go for a landing you won't even notice.
47:31This is a lovely approach over the trees.
47:34Just a matter of arresting descent with little bursts of gas.
47:38What I'm actually doing here is helping to realise the dream that was held by many great men.
47:44People who envisaged the elegance and the majesty of lighter than air flight.
47:50Count Zeppelin, Neville Chute, Barnes Wallace.
47:53This is for them.
47:57There's a bit of drift.
47:59Drifting.
48:00Oh, God.
48:01Cock ignoring Nora, this is typical.
48:03Gas, gas.
48:05It's going down.
48:08No!
48:12Keep it upright.
48:14I may be going sideways slightly.
48:19Mayday!
48:22No!
48:24Oh, bloody hell!
48:26Stop!
48:27Stop!
48:28Stop!
48:32And I'm sorry to report that following that incident, James's stripy shirt was not ruined.
48:40Maybe next time.
48:41But that's it for this programme.
48:42Join us again soon when more things will be broken, burnt and shouted at.
48:47Goodbye.
48:47Yeah well-
49:07We'll see you next, bye.
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