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Chris Fleming: Live at the Palace

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Transcript
00:00:01Oh
00:00:51Thank you very much.
00:00:58We're shooting a special tonight.
00:01:00I'm trying to grow my fan base beyond women who brought a knife to prom.
00:01:08I live in Los Angeles now, even though everyone thinks I live in a cider mill in Rhode Island.
00:01:15Everyone thinks I live in a she shed in night country, but I live in L.A. now.
00:01:19Within a week of moving to L.A., I immediately got a jaywalking ticket.
00:01:24And the direct quote from the cop was,
00:01:26You're walking around all animated.
00:01:32Which was true at this point in my life.
00:01:36I was doing a lot of fanciful street dressage.
00:01:41But I was shy.
00:01:47So I had a little Paul Dano smile on.
00:01:54You know how Dano's got that big face, tiny smile that A24 goes nuts over?
00:02:02I wish that someone had told me that a small smile is worse than no smile at all.
00:02:13We need to get them out of here immediately.
00:02:18I said, no carnival clowns tonight only.
00:02:23A Ferris wheel has been left unattended tonight.
00:02:28And I cannot have that on my conscience.
00:02:45Careful.
00:02:46Careful.
00:02:48My nude form, it's like, it's like if a girl went missing in Y2K,
00:02:54and they found her and she's been living off pup cups for the last 25 years.
00:02:59Just small amounts of cream.
00:03:01I don't have that.
00:03:02I don't have that.
00:03:03I don't have that.
00:03:03I don't have that.
00:03:04I don't have that.
00:03:05I released this special two years ago and it sparked a nationwide manhunt for my pronouns.
00:03:16FBI.
00:03:19You tell me you're looking at it.
00:03:23I'm just waiting for Gen Z to send me a proper gender diagnosis in the mail.
00:03:27Like, they seem to have that shit locked down.
00:03:31I'm too passive.
00:03:32My whole life, the way I've identified, I just go by restaurant order.
00:03:36Whatever order the waiter or waitress calls on me.
00:03:38My whole life, it's gone children, women, Chris.
00:03:49Men, which tells me that I easily could have snuck onto one of those lifeboats.
00:04:01Why'd you let him on?
00:04:02I don't know.
00:04:03Look at the panty lines.
00:04:06His landing strip's out.
00:04:12Lost him on landing strip.
00:04:15Reset to zero.
00:04:17That's good.
00:04:19I think my expectations of masculinity were fucked from the jump because I played in band
00:04:25in middle school.
00:04:27And I know you did.
00:04:28I know you did.
00:04:29I know.
00:04:30I know.
00:04:31I know.
00:04:32I know.
00:04:38I think my expectations of masculinity were fucked from the jump because I played in band
00:04:41in middle school.
00:04:41And to this day, I have not seen a more developed man than a middle school tuba player.
00:04:49Whenever the alt-right is like, where have all the real men in this country gone?
00:04:54They are holding down the green-sleeved bass line in the back of the set.
00:04:59Boom, boom, boom.
00:05:01These guys make Dave Bautista look like Bernadette Peters.
00:05:05My God.
00:05:07What is happening hormonally with middle school tuba players?
00:05:11I think it said if you were to give a regulation-sized child a tuba, they would...
00:05:17So enter these seven-foot-one behemoths.
00:05:21Very docile.
00:05:30With the thickest HBO miniseries beer.
00:05:34It's just the...
00:05:35And the wind-worn visage of a ferry worker.
00:05:44And they're passing around a flask of whiskey just to stay warm.
00:05:50There's a bloodhound drinking beer out of a dish.
00:05:55One of them picks up the phone in the middle of a band.
00:05:57Hey, kiddo.
00:06:01They'll pick you up after practice, buddy.
00:06:04You have a child?
00:06:05Yeah, he's a freshman.
00:06:08Good kid gets in a bit of trouble, but who didn't at that age?
00:06:17In American media, it's always the football players that are shown as the biggest
00:06:22because they're the most aggressive.
00:06:23Because there's a hell that comes with being almost huge.
00:06:26There is a peace and tranquility that comes with being truly huge.
00:06:39True giants don't need PR.
00:06:44It's like a Great Dane versus a German Shepherd.
00:06:49Also, whenever I feel like I have an understanding of the world and I want to just kick it into
00:06:55the abyss,
00:06:56I look up what dogs were originally bred for.
00:06:58Or it'll be like the Springer Spaniel was originally bred to locate a pond in the town.
00:07:08And then it would see if there was another pond touching that pond.
00:07:15And then it would go into town and tell a guy.
00:07:24Period.
00:07:27What does it mean?
00:07:39You can also tell how old a dog breed is when it's like the Clumber Spaniel was originally bred to
00:07:45locate holes
00:07:46and stand over them in case the devil were to come out.
00:08:01That feels a little Prairie Home Companion when you clap like that.
00:08:08Right.
00:08:09Great Danes versus German Shepherds.
00:08:11A German Shepherd has never known a moment of peace in all of its life.
00:08:14These dogs are in constant shambles.
00:08:16And this is the highest ranking dog in the country.
00:08:18That's the police dog.
00:08:20I've never seen a cop with a dog and been like,
00:08:21they've got a really good handle on that dog.
00:08:28And cops are turning airports into these like Petco Unleashed Obedience Training Grounds.
00:08:34Where they have this little wayward German Shepherd with a police dog in training vest
00:08:38and he's running around with someone's neck pillow in its mouth.
00:08:42And the cop's chasing behind like,
00:08:43don't look at us, he's in training!
00:08:46And it's like, at this point you may as well just have a police crab, you know?
00:08:50Like at least...
00:08:53At least...
00:08:55At least the crab is going to stay pretty much in one place.
00:09:00If I walk into TSA and I see a TSA guy or gal,
00:09:06the subreddit was about to get real ugly,
00:09:11and I see them standing next to a crab,
00:09:13I don't even want to know the plan.
00:09:17And if you get the knowing eye of the crab on you,
00:09:24you're going to empty those liquids.
00:09:29And I'm an empath.
00:09:33If you had an ounce of the empathy that I have,
00:09:35you would be bedridden.
00:09:40You would all be fastened to a Murphy bed.
00:09:44Girl interrupted style.
00:09:47I can feel your energy.
00:09:48I can feel one of your boyfriends is going to DM me after the show.
00:09:54Hey, Chris.
00:09:56Loved your skit about police crabs.
00:10:04Well, humorous.
00:10:07There's also some truth to that.
00:10:13In some parts of Turkmanistan...
00:10:21Oh, my God.
00:10:29Certain TSA units have been known to utilize
00:10:32a crustacean police force.
00:10:35Oh, my God.
00:10:41Well, maybe not the crab you spoke of in your skit.
00:10:47Thank you, Thomas.
00:10:48You have been blocked.
00:10:57Everyone I know right now
00:10:58is popping up with a mustachioed fiance
00:11:01out of nowhere.
00:11:05All these guys that dress like Robin Williams
00:11:07in the birdcage.
00:11:10Just thick-thighed.
00:11:16All these guys seem like they have no past.
00:11:21It seems like Hinge was getting all these complaints,
00:11:23and so they just factory-produced, like, all these...
00:11:29who I get are all under the same mutual delusion
00:11:32that they're the life of the party at weddings.
00:11:36Chris.
00:11:37Chris.
00:11:39You've got to meet Thomas.
00:11:41He is so fun.
00:11:43He wears a kooky sock.
00:11:48Ladies, if he's only comfortable squeaking out the kook in the sock...
00:11:57That's a guy who's going to hide behind you
00:11:59if, God forbid, you ever fall into the gorilla enclosure.
00:12:07You got this, babe.
00:12:10You're so strong and independent, babe.
00:12:12You got this.
00:12:14No, Chris Thomas is so fun.
00:12:16He does interpretive dance at a wedding for a laugh.
00:12:20Listen, normies, there is nothing fucking funny
00:12:22about interpretive dance.
00:12:28My costume is not your culture.
00:12:32Interpretive dance is how I keep my lights on
00:12:35and pay my astronomically high emergency vet bills.
00:12:40Because my dog, Eric, ate a smart car.
00:12:44And, yeah,
00:12:46that's Eric with a K.
00:12:55Oh, yeah, Thomas is so fun.
00:12:57Let's see him lead a conga line.
00:13:02Everyone's fun until I thrust him to a leadership position.
00:13:10Leading a conga line takes discipline,
00:13:14vision,
00:13:16and restraint.
00:13:19You got to go a lot slower than you think.
00:13:29You got a chain of dependents behind you
00:13:33varying extremely in age.
00:13:37You got a three-year-old twink.
00:13:43A groomsman relapsing.
00:13:47And the oldest woman
00:13:49in the country.
00:13:56You get any crazy ideas
00:13:57and you're going to be looking
00:13:58at a conga line pileup.
00:14:02And that is a dark chaos.
00:14:09Oh, Chris, please, enough.
00:14:12Thomas is fun.
00:14:14No, no, no, I've seen fun.
00:14:17I've known fun.
00:14:19I lived with a guy in college
00:14:21who jumped out of our second-story bedroom window
00:14:24to dropkick a guy
00:14:27because the guy was pissing on our house.
00:14:32That's fun.
00:14:37Where's Thomas going to be
00:14:38when someone's pissing on your house?
00:14:42I'll tell you where he's going to be.
00:14:44He's going to be on the phone
00:14:45with Jenny's ice creams
00:14:47seeing when the new ube flavor's coming out.
00:14:52Your website says September 1,
00:14:55and September 1 has come and gone.
00:15:05Also, ladies, Thomas,
00:15:07if he makes you call him
00:15:08by the longest possible version of his name,
00:15:11that's a guy who doesn't mind
00:15:12wasting your motherfucking time.
00:15:24I had to get a rental car here
00:15:26to pull the rental car up to me.
00:15:28They were bumping the funkiest music.
00:15:34And then to hand the car over to me,
00:15:36they changed the station to NPR.
00:15:42To be roasted wordlessly.
00:15:47I've toured this so far and wide,
00:15:51and to hear the bone-chilling silence
00:15:53on that line right there,
00:15:57let's take that from the top.
00:16:01Oh, you like when I improvise.
00:16:05Chicago's a comedy town.
00:16:07You love that.
00:16:08This is where Seth Meyers cut his teeth.
00:16:14I had to come to where
00:16:16Seth Meyers learned the rule of three.
00:16:23And I know you're all Second City trained.
00:16:30Under the cruel tutelage of Bobby Moynihan.
00:16:36Useless.
00:16:36Everything I'm saying is unusable.
00:16:42I want to applaud the spotlight operator
00:16:44who was on the team
00:16:46that got Osama.
00:16:59So I took out a rental car recently.
00:17:01And to give me the rental car,
00:17:04they pulled it up bumping the funkiest music.
00:17:08And then to hand the car over to me,
00:17:09they changed the station to NPR.
00:17:14To be roasted wordlessly.
00:17:25Like, I know I'm giving something off,
00:17:27but guy who laughs at wait, wait, don't tell me?
00:17:32Guy who calls tomatoes beautiful?
00:17:37Say it ain't so.
00:17:39I thought my vibe was a little more nuanced than that.
00:17:41Like, I look like somebody
00:17:43who needs to get a message to Imogen Heap.
00:17:53Just give me five minutes with Miss Heap.
00:17:58I received her message
00:18:00in her hit song, Hide and Seat.
00:18:07So I tuned into NPR.
00:18:08NPR isn't even NPR anymore.
00:18:10Like, I go looking for knowledge.
00:18:13And NPR now is just like,
00:18:14what is a zaddy?
00:18:19We're going to get to the bottom of it today.
00:18:22And they interview the youngest person
00:18:23they can find.
00:18:24And it's a 39-year-old in D.C.
00:18:28Off mic, getting it completely wrong.
00:18:31A zaddy is a zombie's father.
00:18:35My heart goes out to elder millennials.
00:18:37Elder millennials deserve a grant.
00:18:39Like, they were prepping for a world
00:18:42that just doesn't exist.
00:18:44They were rolling up the sleeves
00:18:46on their lab coats
00:18:47and having complex discussions
00:18:50with their professors over coffee.
00:18:52And now they find themselves in this world
00:18:54where everyone just sexualizes Shrek.
00:19:00That sucks.
00:19:07We as younger millennials,
00:19:09and I know I look mid-50s,
00:19:10but I am a younger...
00:19:11No one told me you have to put sunscreen
00:19:14on the clav.
00:19:17That's why I look like the secretary
00:19:19at Rydell High.
00:19:23We as younger millennials learn to detach
00:19:26around the Iraq War and Garden State.
00:19:31I was...
00:19:34I was like,
00:19:35if Zach Braff's going to keep
00:19:35getting away with this...
00:19:39I need to learn to fly above my body.
00:19:46Zach Braff,
00:19:47the second coming of Mr. Tumnus.
00:19:53Beta, but psychotic at the same time.
00:19:56Like a flight attendant.
00:20:04Do you ever get the impression
00:20:05that flight attendants would kill us
00:20:07if the pilot wasn't around?
00:20:12They hate us so much.
00:20:17Remember, there was a brief time in 2021
00:20:19when they wouldn't stop
00:20:20duct-taping people to chairs.
00:20:24That never sat right with me.
00:20:28I don't accept food from them, either.
00:20:32To see grown business people
00:20:34be like,
00:20:35Cookies!
00:20:43Pretzels!
00:20:45I go,
00:20:46I'm good.
00:20:53It's the only time in my life
00:20:55I'm like a professional snowboarder.
00:21:01Do not include
00:21:02the professional snowboarder woman.
00:21:08The second I think
00:21:09I have goodwill with you,
00:21:13you leave me in the yard
00:21:14with my yoni in my hands.
00:21:26What were we talking about?
00:21:28Elder millennials.
00:21:30Oh, look,
00:21:30I just want to make
00:21:31a wildlife sanctuary
00:21:32for elder millennials
00:21:33where they can play
00:21:34ultimate frisbee in peace!
00:21:39And say amazeballs in harmony!
00:21:46And enjoy their zucchinis!
00:21:51They love zucchinis.
00:21:52Oh, my God.
00:21:55When someone offers me a zucchini,
00:21:56I'm like, school's out.
00:22:04Yeah, give me the cucumber
00:22:05that lost everything
00:22:06at the casino.
00:22:17And then the elder millennials,
00:22:19they can compare
00:22:19their Trader Joe's snacks.
00:22:20I'm obsessed with Trader Joe's.
00:22:21I have a hyper-fixation
00:22:23with Trader Joe's.
00:22:24I have to talk about it
00:22:26every night.
00:22:26My favorite thing
00:22:27about Trader Joe's right now,
00:22:28you know how Trader Joe's
00:22:29has those weekly recalls?
00:22:33And they're so shameless
00:22:34about what they're recalling.
00:22:37They hold themselves
00:22:38so unaccountable
00:22:39that they make you
00:22:40feel fucked up
00:22:41for getting the thing.
00:22:43It's so brilliant.
00:22:44And they let you know
00:22:45by putting up like
00:22:46an 8x11 crumpled up
00:22:47sheet of computer paper
00:22:49one foot off the ground
00:22:51and it's like,
00:22:52hey.
00:22:57We found human remains
00:22:58in the cantaloupe.
00:23:13You didn't buy that shit,
00:23:14did you?
00:23:19It's like a very
00:23:20middle school alpha tactic.
00:23:22It's like an 8th grader
00:23:23in a hoodie on the back
00:23:23of someone's bike pegs.
00:23:30Yeah, we found eels
00:23:31in the sparkling water.
00:23:39Hey, none of you posers
00:23:40got any Caprizi sandwiches,
00:23:42right?
00:23:42Because they found
00:23:42Jimmy Hoffa
00:23:43in most of the Caprizi sandwiches.
00:23:47There were bullets
00:23:48in the mochi, dude.
00:23:51That'd be so fucked up
00:23:52if you got mochi.
00:23:55And anyone who set foot,
00:23:57it always ends
00:23:57in salmonella.
00:23:58Anyone who set foot
00:23:59in Trader Joe's
00:24:00between April and November
00:24:02has generational salmonella.
00:24:08I'm so tired of people
00:24:09blaming viruses on animals.
00:24:11Like, oh, the horses
00:24:12caused this.
00:24:14I know horses.
00:24:15They're not doing shit.
00:24:23You ever know a horse
00:24:24and then find out
00:24:25he's 35?
00:24:30I love that.
00:24:33I'm like,
00:24:34hell yeah, man.
00:24:35Remember the fleet foxes?
00:24:40Yeah, we really thought
00:24:41folk was coming back.
00:24:45You gotta go forehead
00:24:46to forehead.
00:24:50Tummy time.
00:24:51That's for company men.
00:24:52Mind melding with a mare.
00:24:54That's for the real revolutionaries.
00:24:56That's what Swayze was doing
00:24:58on his weekends off,
00:24:59shooting DD.
00:25:01The captions will have
00:25:03dirty dancing,
00:25:03but DD, it's...
00:25:10Yeah, it's not the horses
00:25:11causing these viruses.
00:25:13It's probably the guy
00:25:14refusing to clean out
00:25:15his cast-iron skillet.
00:25:19How sick did those guys
00:25:21have to get to quiet
00:25:22their evangelism
00:25:23about not cleaning out
00:25:24your cast-iron skillet?
00:25:25They were the loudest
00:25:27population in America
00:25:28for much of the 2010s.
00:25:29No, babe, baby.
00:25:33Babe, hold up.
00:25:34You don't have to...
00:25:35You don't have to clean it out.
00:25:39No soap, babe.
00:25:40You'll take out the seasoning.
00:25:42Seasoning with what?
00:25:43The virus that took out
00:25:44Beth and little women?
00:25:49You know that guy's
00:25:50cast-iron skillet
00:25:51is moving a little bit
00:25:52at night.
00:26:03He's got a kombucha scoby
00:26:05just undulating.
00:26:07Kombucha, kombucha.
00:26:11We're gonna get the fuck
00:26:12out of here tonight, kombucha.
00:26:16Kombucha?
00:26:17Kombucha?
00:26:19He keeps his passport
00:26:21out in his credenza.
00:26:24We'll put on some of his
00:26:25Indochinos.
00:26:27And we'll fly north
00:26:29to Canada
00:26:30when our friends
00:26:31in the north
00:26:32see how we've been
00:26:33mistreated.
00:26:36That I haven't gotten
00:26:37so much as a horse bath
00:26:41since Romney was running.
00:26:45Romney, Romney.
00:26:50Yeah!
00:26:58Get on my back,
00:26:59kombucha scoby.
00:27:00Come on.
00:27:01Come on, get on my back.
00:27:02Kombucha, kombucha.
00:27:03Kombucha.
00:27:04Kombucha.
00:27:06Yeah!
00:27:07Oh, shit!
00:27:08Here he comes, quick!
00:27:09Let's pretend to be
00:27:10his girlfriend.
00:27:10Grab that ukulele.
00:27:18Hey, babe.
00:27:19I didn't know you were
00:27:19coming over so soon
00:27:20for mocktails.
00:27:24Kombucha, kombucha.
00:27:28Why are you using
00:27:29our safe word, babe?
00:27:32And scene.
00:27:33How did that feel?
00:27:33How did that feel?
00:27:432014, I was about
00:27:44to clean out
00:27:44my cast iron skillet.
00:27:46I was like,
00:27:47you know what?
00:27:47I don't see any
00:27:48of those guys around.
00:27:48I don't see any stubble.
00:27:50I'm gonna put a little
00:27:51squirt, a soap squirt.
00:27:53And then one of those guys
00:27:54just apparated
00:27:55in my kitchen
00:27:56and put his arms
00:27:57over me
00:27:58like a computer teacher.
00:28:07remember that?
00:28:08Remember getting absorbed
00:28:08by the computer teacher?
00:28:19I didn't mind that.
00:28:20It was a really early
00:28:21exercise and letting go.
00:28:31I went to your
00:28:32Whole Foods, by the way.
00:28:36Cheddar's getting sharper
00:28:37for every year.
00:28:54My crowd gives
00:28:55the gentlest high-fives.
00:29:01That still would be
00:29:03like a picture
00:29:04on a primate
00:29:05behavior brochure.
00:29:17Everyone knows
00:29:18I'm like,
00:29:19I couldn't handle
00:29:20any blowback.
00:29:22I would,
00:29:22ah!
00:29:23Ah!
00:29:29Yeah,
00:29:30cheddar's getting sharper
00:29:31every year.
00:29:32When I,
00:29:32my favorite part
00:29:33of the grocery store,
00:29:34I beeline it
00:29:36to the cheddar.
00:29:38Oh, yeah,
00:29:39it's like
00:29:39regular cheddar.
00:29:40Okay, okay,
00:29:41yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:29:43Medium cheddar.
00:29:44Oh, mm-hmm.
00:29:46Ooh.
00:29:48Sharp cheddar.
00:29:49Yeah.
00:29:52Really sharp cheddar?
00:29:54Come on!
00:29:56Ah!
00:30:01Seriously sharp cheddar?
00:30:04Fuck!
00:30:08And I'm like,
00:30:09come on!
00:30:11Let's keep this party going!
00:30:16Give me that Tillamook psycho!
00:30:20Hey, hey, hey, hey.
00:30:22Hey, hey, old lady,
00:30:23keep it down.
00:30:27I hear you're looking
00:30:28for Tillamook psycho.
00:30:32Yeah, I thought
00:30:32Biden outlawed that.
00:30:36Biden's gone, man.
00:30:46You wait right there.
00:30:48Then a guy in Lederhosen,
00:30:50no panties comes out.
00:30:59I hear you party.
00:31:02Yeah, yeah,
00:31:02give me that shit
00:31:03that Bernie Sanders hits
00:31:04before he filibusters!
00:31:07How do I know
00:31:08you're not a cop?
00:31:09Would a cop get this jazzed
00:31:10about a score?
00:31:11Hey, okay, okay, okay,
00:31:13okay.
00:31:14Take it slow.
00:31:15Take a little nibble here.
00:31:16Okay.
00:31:19Oh, fuck.
00:31:27Oh, shit.
00:31:38Well, that shit is jagged.
00:31:49I hear Wilco.
00:31:57I see Terry Gross!
00:32:01Let her in, man.
00:32:05Look, I talk a lot
00:32:06of shit about NPR,
00:32:08but the one person
00:32:09keeping it down,
00:32:10brutal,
00:32:11and ruthless
00:32:12is Terry Gross.
00:32:15My,
00:32:17my goodness.
00:32:20In a world
00:32:21of all these interviewers
00:32:22like Jimmy Fallon
00:32:23wearing a French tickler,
00:32:30the completely
00:32:31unmanageable tension
00:32:32of every episode
00:32:33with fresh air
00:32:34with Terry Gross
00:32:37is so refreshing.
00:32:40It feels like
00:32:41every episode
00:32:41was recorded
00:32:42in the space
00:32:43between the living
00:32:43and the dead.
00:32:47It feels like
00:32:48the guest
00:32:48is sitting on one end
00:32:49of a long medieval table
00:32:51and Terry's
00:32:52on the other end
00:32:53just cleaning a gun.
00:33:02My favorite
00:33:03David and Goliath
00:33:04moment
00:33:04of recent times,
00:33:072019,
00:33:08Terry Gross
00:33:08interviews
00:33:09Adam Driver.
00:33:11You know this?
00:33:12Okay.
00:33:13It got scrapped
00:33:14because
00:33:14she freaked out
00:33:16former Marine
00:33:17Adam Driver,
00:33:19little Terry Gross,
00:33:20little three-foot-one
00:33:21Terry,
00:33:23freaked him out
00:33:24so much
00:33:25that he fled
00:33:28the interview.
00:33:31I guess he doesn't
00:33:32like engaging
00:33:33with his own work
00:33:34and she basically
00:33:35clockwork-oranged
00:33:36him with it.
00:33:40It was a clip
00:33:41of him singing
00:33:41the Sondheim song
00:33:42from Marriage Story
00:33:44and she was just
00:33:46torturing him
00:33:47with it.
00:33:48He was like,
00:33:49Terry, please!
00:33:51And Terry was just like,
00:33:59until Adam
00:34:00left.
00:34:01Now,
00:34:02we don't know
00:34:03what happened
00:34:03because there's no
00:34:05record of this,
00:34:05but
00:34:08in my fantasy,
00:34:10I like to imagine
00:34:10that Terry gave chase.
00:34:16just hauling ass
00:34:17after Adam Driver
00:34:18like the Terminator
00:34:19down the street.
00:34:21Holding a Bluetooth
00:34:22speaker,
00:34:23blasting him
00:34:24singing the Sondheim song.
00:34:40now Adam,
00:34:42I've interviewed
00:34:43a lot of bitches
00:34:43in my day,
00:34:46but few as big as you.
00:34:48Now,
00:34:48I would expect
00:34:49this whole,
00:34:50oh,
00:34:50I can't listen
00:34:50to my own work
00:34:51thing from Johnny Depp
00:34:52because of the scarves
00:34:53and the hats.
00:34:55But with you,
00:34:56I would expect
00:34:57a little more tea
00:34:57pumping through
00:34:58those vast efforts.
00:35:00Yeah,
00:35:00right.
00:35:04You basically
00:35:04turned girls
00:35:05on HBO
00:35:06into your own
00:35:06personal OnlyFans account.
00:35:10And now you wet
00:35:11your Tom Ford
00:35:12to the little
00:35:13Sondheim clip
00:35:14where you sound
00:35:15like a wealthy child
00:35:16singing at his
00:35:17karaoke birthday party.
00:35:20What I find
00:35:21so intriguing
00:35:22about you,
00:35:23Adam,
00:35:23is you're so simian,
00:35:25but so cowardly
00:35:26at the same time.
00:35:28When I catch you,
00:35:29and I will catch you,
00:35:33I want to shimmy up you
00:35:34and feed you a banana.
00:35:41She makes contact.
00:35:45Terry, no!
00:35:48You don't get to call me
00:35:49Terry Gross.
00:35:52Terry Gross
00:35:53is my nickname.
00:35:54My real name
00:35:56is Teresa Disgusting.
00:36:30I recently disgraced myself
00:36:32in front of Lin-Manuel Miranda.
00:36:39Here's what happened.
00:36:41He responded to something
00:36:42I put out on Instagram.
00:36:44He was like,
00:36:45ha ha,
00:36:45this is very funny.
00:36:48I freaked out.
00:36:51When I got this message,
00:36:53I was outside
00:36:54of a Starbucks
00:36:54that was playing
00:36:55his song
00:36:56from Mary Poppins.
00:36:58It's like a chimney sweep song.
00:36:59It's like,
00:36:59I got me,
00:37:00baby,
00:37:01Jamesy,
00:37:01me,
00:37:02back.
00:37:03I was like,
00:37:04this is so kismet.
00:37:05This is serendipitous.
00:37:06I'm going to film this
00:37:08and send it
00:37:09to Lin-Manuel Miranda.
00:37:15And it's going to form
00:37:16such a bond.
00:37:18And I thought
00:37:19that I could edit
00:37:19the video in app,
00:37:21but it just sent.
00:37:31So what I ended up
00:37:32sending Lin-Manuel Miranda
00:37:34was a two-minute video clip
00:37:40of the exterior
00:37:41of a Starbucks
00:37:47where I am
00:37:49too far
00:37:49to hear
00:37:50the music.
00:37:56But luckily
00:37:58what you can hear
00:37:58is me breathing.
00:38:09I'm breathing.
00:38:18So to recap,
00:38:21Lin-Manuel Miranda
00:38:22writes a pretty innocuous
00:38:23ha-ha,
00:38:24this is very funny.
00:38:31Eleven minutes
00:38:32go by.
00:38:39And then he receives
00:38:41a very dark
00:38:42short film
00:38:51of the brutalist
00:38:53exterior
00:38:53of a Starbucks
00:38:57in San Bernardino,
00:38:59California.
00:39:03with me wheezing
00:39:04on mic.
00:39:05Now,
00:39:07what was his response?
00:39:09Scene
00:39:09at 12.23 p.m.
00:39:18So I don't think
00:39:19you're going to be
00:39:19seeing me in
00:39:20Moana 9
00:39:21anytime soon.
00:39:28I spend too much
00:39:29time at Starbucks.
00:39:30I'm a sugar fiend.
00:39:32But I don't do
00:39:32dessert in public.
00:39:33My dessert face,
00:39:34it's way too graphic.
00:39:37But I will,
00:39:38though,
00:39:38occasionally,
00:39:39to be sociable,
00:39:40I will go to
00:39:40the ice cream parlor
00:39:41with friends.
00:39:44I'm always appalled
00:39:46at what the
00:39:47frozen dessert world
00:39:48is allowed to do
00:39:49in regards to
00:39:50their treatment
00:39:50of Oreos.
00:39:54They have a bunch
00:39:55of public domain
00:39:56toppings,
00:39:56like strawberry sauce,
00:39:59choco-choco chips,
00:40:01marshmallow sauce,
00:40:02and then they have
00:40:03a heap of
00:40:03disfigured Oreos.
00:40:07At first glance,
00:40:08I'm like,
00:40:09is that soot?
00:40:16Oh, no,
00:40:17it's just
00:40:17America's cookie.
00:40:21named beyond
00:40:23recognition.
00:40:27Looking like
00:40:28the cartel
00:40:29is trying to
00:40:29send a message.
00:40:31Looking like
00:40:32a witch
00:40:33has been grinding
00:40:34them up
00:40:34all winter.
00:40:42Almost ready!
00:40:46Jesus Christ!
00:40:49Oreos are an icon.
00:40:51It's not like
00:40:51they need
00:40:51this free exposure.
00:40:54This would be
00:40:55like if you saw
00:40:55Dame Judi Dench
00:40:56selling vibrators
00:40:57on Instagram.
00:41:17Use code
00:41:18Dench
00:41:24to fuck
00:41:25your shit up
00:41:26this Galentine's
00:41:27Day.
00:41:30Jesus Christ!
00:41:33I've never
00:41:34seen a company
00:41:35with a looser
00:41:36grasp on their
00:41:37property as
00:41:38Nabisco
00:41:38with Oreos.
00:41:42If this were
00:41:43being done
00:41:43to Milano's,
00:41:44Pepperidge Farm
00:41:44would bomb
00:41:45Dairy Queen.
00:41:49Do we get
00:41:50the Milano's?
00:41:51Check for
00:41:51the Sausalitos!
00:41:55What sick fuck
00:41:56is in charge
00:41:57of Nabisco?
00:41:59Because the
00:42:00other known
00:42:01topping in these
00:42:02places is M&M's,
00:42:03but I get the
00:42:03impression that
00:42:03whoever represents
00:42:04M&M's is like,
00:42:05yeah, you can use
00:42:05the M&M's,
00:42:06but please don't
00:42:07hurt them.
00:42:13Whereas it feels
00:42:14like Mr. Nabisco
00:42:15was on the phone
00:42:15with the frozen
00:42:16dessert world
00:42:17and the frozen
00:42:17dessert people
00:42:18were like,
00:42:18Mr. Nabisco,
00:42:20it would be the
00:42:21honor of a lifetime
00:42:23to work with your
00:42:24esteemed client,
00:42:26Oreos.
00:42:27We think they would
00:42:28fit seamlessly into
00:42:29the frozen dessert world
00:42:30and we promise
00:42:31to follow any
00:42:33guidelines that
00:42:34you see fit
00:42:35to maintain
00:42:36the dignity
00:42:38and the integrity
00:42:41of what has
00:42:43become America's
00:42:44premier cookie
00:42:45for the better
00:42:46part of a century.
00:42:49Do whatever
00:42:50you want to them.
00:42:59Disgrace them.
00:43:07degrade and
00:43:08humiliate them.
00:43:12Chop them up.
00:43:20Okay, yeah.
00:43:22Okay, yeah, yeah,
00:43:23we can totally
00:43:24chop them up,
00:43:25but we promise
00:43:27to do so equally
00:43:28and uniformly.
00:43:30Do it differently
00:43:30every time.
00:43:34I want no rhyme
00:43:35or reason
00:43:36to the mutilation
00:43:37of my client.
00:43:40Put them in a
00:43:41Ziploc bag
00:43:41and have a hungover
00:43:42teen stomp on them
00:43:43in the breaker.
00:43:55Do you want us
00:43:57to include the cream
00:43:57filling?
00:43:58Do you want us
00:44:01Sometimes.
00:44:10Why are you doing this?
00:44:12Why are you doing this?
00:44:16Because I can.
00:44:30Now that exact same dialogue
00:44:32could be copy-paste
00:44:33applied to whoever
00:44:33represents Eugene Levy
00:44:34for commercial work.
00:44:49This is going to sound like
00:44:50something I made up.
00:44:51I'm not making this up.
00:44:53I went to my friend's
00:44:54wedding recently.
00:44:54It was a city hall wedding.
00:44:56I was wearing the most
00:44:57masculine thing I've worn
00:44:58since my first communion,
00:44:59pretty much.
00:45:01I was quite literally
00:45:02in a zoot suit
00:45:06and as I'm wearing
00:45:08this zoot suit
00:45:10I was like
00:45:11there's something
00:45:11weirdly liberating
00:45:12about this.
00:45:14Wearing this kind of
00:45:15hyper-masculine outfit.
00:45:17It felt like
00:45:18crashing into this wave
00:45:20that I'd been
00:45:21so avoiding
00:45:22my whole life.
00:45:24There was something
00:45:25kind of sexy about it.
00:45:26giving in to that
00:45:28and saying
00:45:28I was like
00:45:29you know what?
00:45:29Maybe I could do this
00:45:31more often.
00:45:32Maybe I'm just kind of
00:45:33I'm limiting myself.
00:45:35I feel sexy.
00:45:37I feel alive right now.
00:45:38This is really interesting.
00:45:39Right as I was feeling that
00:45:41an older woman walks by
00:45:43points at me
00:45:44and goes
00:45:44Frances McDormand?
00:45:58This wasn't like
00:46:00a hip young woman
00:46:01having some fun with me.
00:46:02This was a woman
00:46:02old enough
00:46:03to be named Priscilla
00:46:07who was sure enough
00:46:09that I was
00:46:11Frances McDormand?
00:46:15Right as I was
00:46:16on the cusp
00:46:16of a sexual renaissance
00:46:19in a Suge Knight
00:46:21zoot suit
00:46:28if you're going to
00:46:29go around
00:46:30with your finger
00:46:32on the trigger
00:46:35diagnosing people
00:46:36as Frances McDormand
00:46:42don't shoot
00:46:43until you see
00:46:44their Oscar
00:46:45for three billboards
00:46:46over summer
00:46:46in Missouri.
00:46:52If you're playing
00:46:53some kind of
00:46:53Pokemon Go version
00:46:55of but finding
00:46:55if you're playing
00:46:56Frances McDormand Go
00:46:57out in the world
00:47:03she goes
00:47:04Frances McDormand?
00:47:05I go
00:47:06no
00:47:13and she goes
00:47:14oh
00:47:18Frances McDormand
00:47:19was my age
00:47:20right now
00:47:20when she shot Fargo
00:47:21she didn't say
00:47:22Frances McDormand
00:47:23when she shot Fargo
00:47:27the parenthetical
00:47:28was 81 year old
00:47:29Frances McDormand
00:47:37and as pissed
00:47:38as I was
00:47:38what made me
00:47:39even more irate
00:47:40was the glee
00:47:41this brought
00:47:41my friend
00:47:42the way
00:47:45they were standing
00:47:46soaking it up
00:47:47it was almost like
00:47:47they were at an
00:47:48energy healing
00:47:48just like
00:47:49palms open
00:47:57Frances McDormand
00:47:57now see
00:47:58that's a name
00:47:58that just
00:47:59was destined
00:48:00for stardom
00:48:01some names
00:48:01just work
00:48:02a name
00:48:04needs to be
00:48:04as un-efforted
00:48:05as a sneeze
00:48:06Tracy Chapman
00:48:10Boulder Colorado
00:48:13Jigglypuff
00:48:14Wigglytuff
00:48:14I'm not even
00:48:16trying right now
00:48:19conversely
00:48:20some names
00:48:21they just
00:48:21don't work
00:48:23the new president
00:48:24of my college
00:48:25keeps mass
00:48:27emailing me
00:48:27and
00:48:29I'm sorry
00:48:31but his name
00:48:31just doesn't
00:48:33work
00:48:39Mark
00:48:49C
00:48:58if I have to
00:49:00take a Gatorade
00:49:01break between
00:49:01your first name
00:49:02and
00:49:04middle initial
00:49:06then we
00:49:07gotta take this
00:49:08thing back
00:49:08to corporate
00:49:09offices
00:49:12saying Mark
00:49:15C
00:49:15it's the vocal
00:49:16equivalent of
00:49:17doing this
00:49:25I feel that
00:49:26in my belly
00:49:27button
00:49:33it feels like
00:49:34doing burpees
00:49:35up a hill
00:49:37Mark
00:49:53come on
00:49:54you got this
00:49:55buddy
00:49:58who are you
00:50:03I live across the street
00:50:04I saw you doing burpees
00:50:05up the hill
00:50:07you got this
00:50:08you got this
00:50:09bud
00:50:10Connor
00:50:12I want to be
00:50:13the Justin Timberlake
00:50:14in the social network
00:50:15for Mark C. Connor
00:50:20I want to take him
00:50:21out for sushi
00:50:22dazzle him
00:50:23over appletinis
00:50:24and then on my way
00:50:25I'll be like
00:50:25hey Mark
00:50:26one more thing
00:50:28drop the C
00:50:33Trent Reznor
00:50:34Trent Reznor
00:50:36Trent Reznor
00:50:36Trent Reznor
00:50:37Trent Reznor
00:50:40look Mark
00:50:41Mark
00:50:42if the C
00:50:43means so
00:50:43god damn
00:50:44much to you
00:50:44drop the
00:50:45Mark
00:50:45in the
00:50:46Connor
00:50:46and just
00:50:46go by C
00:50:52this guy starts
00:50:54going by C
00:51:08I'm sending him
00:51:09my panties
00:51:19yeah I bet
00:51:20you've never seen
00:51:21Seth Meyers
00:51:21do this kind
00:51:22of mic play
00:51:29Lauren Michaels
00:51:30would put one
00:51:30in my leg
00:51:31if he saw this
00:51:40in my dressing room
00:51:41all day
00:51:42just don't talk
00:51:43about Seth Meyers
00:51:50just get through
00:51:51the night
00:51:51without talking
00:51:52to him
00:51:56this guy starts
00:51:57going by C
00:51:58we're going to see
00:51:58him popping up
00:52:00on tour
00:52:00with Killer Mike
00:52:04come November
00:52:05he's just going
00:52:05to be in the back
00:52:08doing the cleanest
00:52:09sea walk
00:52:16were you worried
00:52:17about me
00:52:17when I went
00:52:18down on the stool
00:52:20a little
00:52:20the impact
00:52:21was hard
00:52:21don't worry
00:52:22the community
00:52:22has always been
00:52:23very concerned
00:52:23about me
00:52:26this is a good
00:52:26anecdote about that
00:52:27okay
00:52:27I was in 6th grade
00:52:28end of the year
00:52:29lake party
00:52:30hosted by the
00:52:31coolest girl
00:52:32in my grade
00:52:33now she had
00:52:34an older brother
00:52:35in 8th grade
00:52:35who was a known
00:52:36psychopath
00:52:36in the community
00:52:38he famously
00:52:39spent a brief stint
00:52:40in a juvenile
00:52:40correction center
00:52:41for beating up
00:52:42an adult
00:52:42security guard
00:52:44lake kids
00:52:45in central
00:52:46Massachusetts
00:52:46are not
00:52:47fucking around
00:52:48okay
00:52:49so I get to
00:52:50the end of the
00:52:51lake party
00:52:51and
00:52:53he
00:52:53the brother
00:52:54is on the dock
00:52:55and he is
00:52:55throwing my peers
00:52:56one by one
00:52:57into the lake
00:53:04almost like a
00:53:05carnival attraction
00:53:06they're all lined up
00:53:08I'm like
00:53:08hell yeah
00:53:09this looks great
00:53:09I line up
00:53:17gets to my turn
00:53:18he stops
00:53:19he looks down
00:53:20at me
00:53:20he goes
00:53:23Chris are you sure
00:53:24you want this
00:53:35first of all
00:53:36I didn't know
00:53:36you spoke
00:53:42second of all
00:53:42what are you
00:53:43picking up on
00:53:43in me
00:53:46that is stirring
00:53:47an until now
00:53:48dormant
00:53:48empathy
00:53:52throw me
00:53:53in the lake
00:53:57no Chris
00:53:58I cannot
00:53:58in good faith
00:53:59throw you
00:53:59in the lake
00:54:04I just saw you
00:54:05throw a fourth grader
00:54:06in her street
00:54:06Delia's
00:54:0740 feet
00:54:08into the air
00:54:09throw me
00:54:10in
00:54:10the drink
00:54:14hey what's
00:54:15the hold up
00:54:18I don't know
00:54:18he sees
00:54:19something in me
00:54:20that he
00:54:21deems
00:54:21unthrowable
00:54:25yeah I could
00:54:26see that
00:54:30I don't really
00:54:31have the language
00:54:31for it yet
00:54:38but I bet
00:54:38there's a term
00:54:39in German
00:54:40or Japanese
00:54:40for it
00:54:43like a paragraph
00:54:47okay Chris
00:54:47here's what
00:54:48we're gonna do
00:54:49I'm gonna hold
00:54:50you around
00:54:51the waist
00:54:52and we're gonna
00:54:53count down
00:54:53from three
00:54:54and then you're
00:54:54going to throw
00:54:55yourself
00:54:59into the lake
00:55:01oh like
00:55:02stage combat
00:55:07I came here
00:55:08to get away
00:55:08from the theater
00:55:12fade to black
00:55:13executive producer
00:55:14Mike Birbiglia
00:55:21Mike Birbiglia
00:55:22Jesus Christ
00:55:25that guy looks like
00:55:26a father and son
00:55:26freaky Friday
00:55:27into the same body
00:55:28my god
00:55:36he looks like he sells
00:55:38wordle spoilers
00:55:39to the FBI
00:55:41come on
00:55:48yeah we were talking
00:55:48we were talking
00:55:49Mark C. Connor
00:55:49earlier
00:55:49I went to school
00:55:51he's the president
00:55:52of Skidmore
00:55:52I went to college
00:55:53there
00:55:54the last vacation
00:55:55first of all
00:55:56I don't believe
00:55:56in vacations
00:55:57I think vacations
00:55:58are for children
00:55:58and Dua Lipa
00:55:59the last vacation
00:56:03I took
00:56:04was 2017
00:56:04and I overdrew
00:56:06my bank account
00:56:07in a luxury hat store
00:56:17the hat store
00:56:18was in Saratoga Springs
00:56:21New York
00:56:22which is like
00:56:22it's like a horse racing town
00:56:24so we're talking
00:56:25sinister wealth
00:56:26just
00:56:28me and my guy friends
00:56:30we're nostalgia freaks
00:56:31so we went back to
00:56:33and someone told me recently
00:56:33that nostalgia used to be
00:56:34considered like
00:56:35a pretty serious
00:56:35mental illness
00:56:37back in the pioneer days
00:56:38like you could even
00:56:39be quarantined
00:56:40for showing signs
00:56:40of nostalgia
00:56:41so if you were like
00:56:53I miss Christmas time
00:57:00get away from her boys
00:57:02she aren't well sons
00:57:05why daddy be a typhus
00:57:07no no no no
00:57:08it not be typhus
00:57:12it be the nostalgia
00:57:15listen to me sons
00:57:16if you ever see your papa
00:57:18after a couple of whiskeys
00:57:19lighting a candle
00:57:20and going backwards in time
00:57:22in me Facebook photos
00:57:27while listening to
00:57:28the Animal Collective
00:57:32or the Passion Pit
00:57:35do me a favor sons
00:57:37kill me like you would
00:57:38a chicken or a mosquito
00:57:39E.T.
00:57:41hurt your papa permanently
00:57:43boys
00:57:45that seems a little extreme
00:57:47doesn't it daddy
00:57:48no you want to know extreme
00:57:51longing for a girl talk
00:57:52concert that happened
00:57:54in 2008
00:57:56that was just him
00:57:58holding two boom boxes
00:58:01okay so
00:58:06the hat store
00:58:07in which I overdrew
00:58:09my bank account
00:58:10was a place called
00:58:11Hatsational
00:58:14there is such high demand
00:58:16for luxury headwear
00:58:17in Saratoga Springs
00:58:18New York
00:58:18that there are
00:58:18two Hatsationals
00:58:21.1 miles
00:58:22from each other
00:58:24something you gotta know
00:58:25about Hatsational
00:58:26time
00:58:27doesn't flow there
00:58:28the way you and I
00:58:30are used to time
00:58:31flowing
00:58:32it's ruled over
00:58:34by a 14 year old
00:58:36boy
00:58:37and he claims
00:58:39status
00:58:39he is decked out
00:58:41in formal wear
00:58:42and I'm not talking
00:58:43black tie formal
00:58:44I'm talking
00:58:44jazz age tycoon
00:58:46formal
00:58:49and he's very
00:58:50he's quiet
00:58:51but not because
00:58:51he's shy
00:58:52because he doesn't
00:58:54respect you enough
00:58:55to raise the volume
00:58:56of his voice
00:58:58hmm
00:58:58yeah
00:58:59I didn't even think
00:58:59to remember
00:59:03I'm sorry
00:59:03what was that
00:59:04I mean of course
00:59:05I didn't even hear
00:59:10there are older
00:59:11women who work
00:59:12there too
00:59:12but they all
00:59:13defer to this
00:59:14imp in a derby
00:59:16the age play
00:59:17is very
00:59:18Miyazaki
00:59:24and they're all
00:59:25high on their
00:59:26own supply
00:59:27meaning they are
00:59:27wearing the
00:59:28hats
00:59:30full body
00:59:31fascinators
00:59:35the only thing
00:59:36tethering him
00:59:37to the modern age
00:59:38is he's got
00:59:38top and bottom
00:59:39bunk braces
00:59:42we made the
00:59:43mistake
00:59:44of trying
00:59:45to make him
00:59:45feel comfortable
00:59:46because we're
00:59:47well into our
00:59:4730s and he's
00:59:48a tween
00:59:49but what we
00:59:50fail to take
00:59:50into consideration
00:59:51is what unlimited
00:59:52access to luxury
00:59:53headwear does
00:59:54to the tween age
00:59:55ego
00:59:57I don't think
00:59:58we've seen
00:59:58anything like it
00:59:59in the west
01:00:03I think the
01:00:04closest comparison
01:00:04might be in Tibet
01:00:05when the Dalai Lama
01:00:06is selected
01:00:07as a boy
01:00:07what that would
01:00:11do to pump
01:00:11up the ego
01:00:12it seems like
01:00:13he's always
01:00:14been there
01:00:15like he failed
01:00:15some sorceress
01:00:16test in the
01:00:1720s
01:00:19he had eyes
01:00:20that had seen
01:00:20Prussia
01:00:21like he's
01:00:25it seems like
01:00:26he was just
01:00:27cursed to work
01:00:27between both
01:00:28hatsationals
01:00:29you could go
01:00:30into one
01:00:30hatsational
01:00:31and he's there
01:00:31in a derby
01:00:32and you could
01:00:33sprint to the
01:00:34other one
01:00:34and he's
01:00:35well I mean
01:00:35of course
01:00:38of course
01:00:38I'm here too
01:00:40where do you
01:00:41think I would
01:00:41be
01:00:43he's in like
01:00:44a vertical
01:00:45fedora
01:00:45looking like
01:00:47Hannibal Lecter
01:00:48when they find
01:00:48him in Costa
01:00:49Rica
01:00:55another thing
01:00:55you gotta know
01:00:56about
01:00:56hatsational
01:00:57it's price
01:00:58prohibitive
01:00:58you go to
01:00:59try on the
01:01:00hats
01:01:00you do not
01:01:01buy the
01:01:01hats
01:01:03so me
01:01:04and my
01:01:04guy friends
01:01:04are trying
01:01:05on the
01:01:05hats
01:01:06I'm being
01:01:07very encouraging
01:01:08oh my god
01:01:08Jerry you look
01:01:09amazing in that
01:01:10hat
01:01:10Buck you look
01:01:11so French
01:01:11in that
01:01:12hat
01:01:12the tween
01:01:14is guarding
01:01:15like the
01:01:16best hats
01:01:18for like
01:01:19poachers
01:01:20and war
01:01:20criminals
01:01:20and just
01:01:22the generally
01:01:22indecent
01:01:23and god
01:01:25forbid one
01:01:25of us tries
01:01:26on a hat
01:01:26the wrong
01:01:27way
01:01:27he's beside
01:01:28him
01:01:36we have
01:01:37our fun
01:01:37I'm like
01:01:37let's get
01:01:38out of
01:01:38here
01:01:38okay
01:01:38I'm like
01:01:39thank you
01:01:39so much
01:01:40I'm the
01:01:40spokesperson
01:01:40of course
01:01:41thank you
01:01:42so much
01:01:43we've had
01:01:44such a great
01:01:44time
01:01:45trying on
01:01:45your hats
01:01:46thank you
01:01:46we'll be
01:01:47back
01:01:47as I'm
01:01:49walking out
01:01:49I hear him
01:01:50turn to the
01:01:51old ladies
01:01:52and he goes
01:01:52hmm
01:01:53I knew
01:01:54they were
01:01:54bee packers
01:02:01I'm sorry
01:02:02what the fuck
01:02:02did you just
01:02:03say
01:02:05I said
01:02:06I knew
01:02:06you were
01:02:06bee packers
01:02:07and what's
01:02:07a bee
01:02:07backer
01:02:08somebody
01:02:08comes in
01:02:08tries on
01:02:09a bunch
01:02:09of hats
01:02:09says they're
01:02:09going to
01:02:10come back
01:02:10and they
01:02:10never do
01:02:10come back
01:02:23oh you
01:02:23think we're
01:02:24bee packers
01:02:27Chris let's
01:02:27get out of
01:02:28here man
01:02:35I'm not
01:02:35going to
01:02:36let this
01:02:36little art
01:02:37deco
01:02:37bastard
01:02:42this
01:02:43he
01:02:43flapper
01:02:51slander
01:02:52my
01:02:52squad
01:02:58I'm
01:02:59not
01:02:59going to
01:02:59let this
01:03:00prepubescent
01:03:01west
01:03:02egg
01:03:02biatch
01:03:08call me
01:03:09and three
01:03:10of the
01:03:10finest
01:03:11guys
01:03:11I know
01:03:12bee
01:03:13backers
01:03:15a term
01:03:16I'm hearing
01:03:17for the
01:03:17first time
01:03:21a term
01:03:22that bears
01:03:23no cultural
01:03:23weight
01:03:27a term
01:03:28born out
01:03:29of the
01:03:29twisted
01:03:29demented
01:03:30minds
01:03:31of these
01:03:31jazz age
01:03:32retail
01:03:33charlatans
01:03:37I'm
01:03:38going to
01:03:38prove to
01:03:38him
01:03:38that we
01:03:39are not
01:03:39bee
01:03:39bad
01:03:40now
01:03:41Chris
01:03:41man
01:03:41you've
01:03:41had a lot
01:03:42of
01:03:42ciders
01:03:44no I
01:03:45haven't
01:03:48I
01:03:49haven't
01:03:49had a lot
01:03:49of
01:03:50ciders
01:03:56hey
01:03:56son
01:04:00how much
01:04:01for that
01:04:01hat
01:04:02right
01:04:02there
01:04:02yeah
01:04:02Jerry
01:04:02you like
01:04:03that
01:04:03hat
01:04:03right
01:04:03oh
01:04:04no
01:04:04Chris
01:04:04not
01:04:05enough
01:04:05to
01:04:05buy
01:04:06it
01:04:06man
01:04:08how
01:04:08much
01:04:08is
01:04:08that
01:04:08it's
01:04:09120
01:04:09dollars
01:04:10why
01:04:12put it
01:04:12in the
01:04:12bag
01:04:12no
01:04:14no
01:04:15fuck
01:04:16you like
01:04:17that
01:04:17hat
01:04:17right
01:04:17well
01:04:18yeah
01:04:18I
01:04:18think
01:04:18I
01:04:18looked
01:04:19pretty
01:04:19French
01:04:19in
01:04:19that
01:04:19hat
01:04:20okay
01:04:20yeah
01:04:20put that
01:04:21one
01:04:21in
01:04:21and
01:04:21Rory
01:04:22you like
01:04:22that
01:04:22one
01:04:22oh yeah
01:04:23I think
01:04:23I look
01:04:23like Rod
01:04:23Stewart
01:04:24in the
01:04:241980s
01:04:24in that
01:04:25hat
01:04:25yeah
01:04:25you didn't
01:04:26but yeah
01:04:26put that
01:04:26in
01:04:27that's
01:04:27fine
01:04:27and
01:04:29whatever
01:04:29bullshit
01:04:29I was
01:04:30wearing
01:04:30and how
01:04:30much
01:04:31is
01:04:31all
01:04:31that
01:04:31it's
01:04:32560
01:04:32dollars
01:04:36we
01:04:36we
01:04:50still
01:04:51be
01:04:51backers
01:04:56that's what I thought
01:04:57motherfucker
01:05:01you've
01:05:01you've
01:05:01you've
01:05:01overdrawn
01:05:02your bank
01:05:02account
01:05:07now
01:05:07I know
01:05:08you're thinking
01:05:08Chris
01:05:09guy
01:05:10friends
01:05:14yeah
01:05:15what are they
01:05:15Funko Pops
01:05:16yeah show us
01:05:17the guy
01:05:17friend
01:05:19Chris
01:05:20none of this
01:05:20adds up
01:05:21okay
01:05:21well
01:05:21you know
01:05:42look at the
01:05:43regret
01:05:44look at the
01:05:45regret
01:05:45on these
01:05:46faces
01:05:52look at this
01:05:53tragic
01:05:53polycule
01:05:56you walk
01:05:57into a bar
01:05:58and you see
01:05:59these three guys
01:06:00on a stage
01:06:00putting gear
01:06:01back into
01:06:02guitar cases
01:06:03you go
01:06:03thank god
01:06:04we missed that
01:06:05thank god
01:06:07we missed that
01:06:09two hour
01:06:09acoustic cover
01:06:10of Uptown Funk
01:06:17we had a pretty
01:06:17rough conversation
01:06:18recently
01:06:19where we all
01:06:19admitted to
01:06:20having never
01:06:20worn these
01:06:21hats
01:06:26ever again
01:06:31and I can
01:06:31feel what
01:06:32you're thinking
01:06:32okay
01:06:34so the guy
01:06:35friends
01:06:35okay
01:06:35they check
01:06:36out
01:06:38but the
01:06:38evil teen
01:06:39Chris
01:06:39come on
01:06:41that's one
01:06:41of your
01:06:42hyperbolic
01:06:42delusions
01:06:44you think
01:06:45I'm not
01:06:45going to
01:06:45bring receipts
01:06:50who do you
01:06:51think I am
01:06:54who the
01:06:54fuck do you
01:06:55think I am
01:06:58you think
01:06:59this is a
01:06:59game to me
01:07:02you think
01:07:03I don't
01:07:03take this
01:07:03job
01:07:04seriously
01:07:07you think
01:07:07this is a
01:07:08fucking
01:07:08game to me
01:07:11you think
01:07:11I'm not
01:07:12going to
01:07:12bring receipts
01:07:13to Chicago
01:07:13Illinois
01:07:19I'm going
01:07:19to tell you
01:07:20something that
01:07:21you know
01:07:21somatically
01:07:22if not
01:07:22intellectually
01:07:25he's older
01:07:26than them
01:07:38these three
01:07:39are by no
01:07:39means good
01:07:40people
01:07:45they've done
01:07:46things that
01:07:46would make
01:07:47your blood
01:07:47run cold
01:07:51but next
01:07:52to this
01:07:52ancient
01:07:53demon
01:07:58why
01:07:59they're
01:07:59Greta
01:07:59Turnberg
01:08:09look how
01:08:10tight
01:08:10he's holding
01:08:15trying to
01:08:16hold him
01:08:17back
01:08:20and he's
01:08:21smiling
01:08:21because he
01:08:22knows he
01:08:22can break
01:08:23free
01:08:29get him
01:08:30out of
01:08:30here
01:08:39what do
01:08:39you mean
01:08:39the cameras
01:08:40weren't on
01:08:49sorry
01:08:49sorry
01:08:49sorry
01:08:50sorry
01:08:50sorry
01:08:54you ever
01:08:55get the
01:08:55boot
01:08:55on your
01:08:55car
01:08:56oh my
01:08:56god
01:08:56I love
01:08:57the boot
01:08:58you know
01:08:59it's what
01:08:59you get
01:08:59when you've
01:08:59been parked
01:09:00somewhere
01:09:00for an
01:09:00insane
01:09:00amount
01:09:01of time
01:09:03it's
01:09:03humiliating
01:09:04it's like
01:09:04a dunce
01:09:04cap
01:09:05for your
01:09:05car
01:09:07and people
01:09:07have no
01:09:07dignity
01:09:08when they
01:09:08see a car
01:09:09with the
01:09:09boot
01:09:09on it
01:09:10like
01:09:10librarians
01:09:11will be
01:09:11like
01:09:11oh
01:09:12shit
01:09:21Jesus
01:09:22Christ
01:09:24are you
01:09:24doing the
01:09:25crib walk
01:09:25right now
01:09:27what I like
01:09:28about the
01:09:29boot
01:09:29is it
01:09:29it's the
01:09:30last
01:09:31element
01:09:32of modern
01:09:32law
01:09:33that feels
01:09:33like the
01:09:34wrath
01:09:34of a
01:09:35sorcerer
01:09:35you know
01:09:54you've been
01:09:55gone
01:09:55there too
01:09:56long
01:10:00now you
01:10:01must
01:10:02stay there
01:10:25you've been a
01:10:25wonderful crowd
01:10:26let's end on a song
01:10:27thank you so much
01:10:30let's get some dramatic
01:10:32lights
01:10:32thank you
01:10:56sometimes I think I miss the point of things
01:11:02like one time in a haunted house what scared me the most made no sense at all
01:11:12don't get me wrong I was in shambles the whole time you walk in single file and things pop out
01:11:24at you like demons with chainsaws and goat people
01:11:28talk as clowns escape convicts asking for your help I'm barely getting through it I'm saying no please no but
01:11:35the thing that makes me scream uncontrollably
01:11:39what needs my legs
01:11:42what needs my legs
01:11:42what needs my legs get out it's not a ghoul or a goblin no it's another patron
01:11:47a young professional
01:11:50I don't know why
01:11:51in a tasteful made
01:11:53well outfit
01:11:54she wasn't dressed eccentrically this was no god this was a concept
01:12:00and for some reason after seeing all that spooky shit the sight of this 28 year old civilian doing nothing
01:12:07weird at all hit me in my horror g spot and I hit the ground screaming and I said I'm
01:12:13sorry I don't know why I'm having this reaction to alleviate my
01:12:17terror she starts waving which only makes me scream louder
01:12:25so now I'm Shelly Duvall screaming at this woman who's waving at me like a mare on a parade float
01:12:35while the scare actors are looking in confusion wondering why they're being upstaged by this person so benign that she'd
01:12:42fit seamlessly into the regal
01:12:56and what sucks for her is she's right behind me in line so she's seen all the other freaky shit
01:13:08that I've not reacted this way to
01:13:13like an old cockney strapped on a mattress
01:13:17a boy wearing a dog mask
01:13:20saying Jerry Maguire lines
01:13:23I wish I had the words to tell her that I'm just an Irish Catholic
01:13:30who doesn't let their screams out nearly enough for example in 2014 I was throwing up so loud that my
01:13:39partner called my mom and said is this normal my mom said yes Chris is a very performative
01:13:47the fact that I was most terrified of another patron
01:13:51the fact that I was most terrified of another patron actually was quite a modern horror spin on the hall
01:13:54the haunted house where all the patrons are looking and going away are we the monster I hate that shit
01:14:05you know how in modern horror movies the whole thing will be like a little bushy guy
01:14:10but then they're like no it's about seasonal allergies
01:14:15fuck off
01:14:17don't tell me
01:14:21hereditaries
01:14:23about motherhood
01:14:24it's about how scary a group of naked adults are in fluorescent lights
01:14:34thank you Chicago
01:14:38thank you so much
01:14:48thank you
01:14:50music
01:14:57music
01:14:57music
01:14:57music
01:14:57music
01:15:10But whatever we do, I'm running in the night with you.
01:15:19I'm not sure I want you.
01:15:24I'm running in the night.
01:15:29Oh, I'm running in the night so soon.
01:15:34I'm running in the night with you.
01:15:40You're on nobody.
01:15:42Running in the night...
01:15:42Sometimes to say no one, many times.
01:15:46No one means sorry for anhui on you.
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