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The.Miniature.Wife.S01E09.540p.X265.AAC [Full Movie] [Latest Version]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:07New Year, new us.
00:09I've arranged to get the Vermont gang back together.
00:11Are Gary and Meg going to be there?
00:13Terry.
00:14Girl, we did it.
00:15You famously fictionalized your difficult relationship with your mother.
00:18I can barely show my face at Wine Club Wednesday.
00:22Your mother needs your Wine Club Wednesdays.
00:24That's not a stretch.
00:25Your mother was protecting you from your father.
00:27You are without a doubt your father's son.
00:30I would rather die a six-inch death than see Les win a fucking Nobel.
00:36Hilton is going to sell the tech to the military.
00:40We can't be party to that.
00:42Let's finish what we started.
00:44Limitless stabilization!
00:46It is time you knew the truth about Les, little John.
00:49You have no choice but to eliminate them.
00:54Tell me.
00:55Why?
00:56Why Les?
00:59We'll take Manhattan.
01:02Slow down, Terry.
01:04Be clear.
01:05What is she saying?
01:06Lindy.
01:07Quiet.
01:07Okay.
01:07Oh, hell.
01:08Oh, God.
01:09I know.
01:10Okay.
01:12She said yes.
01:14Yes?
01:14Yes.
01:14She said yes?
01:15Yes!
01:16Yes!
01:22Congratulations.
01:23You're getting married.
01:24Good luck.
01:24No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:25She wrote a novel.
01:26And it's getting brothers!
01:27Yes!
01:27Nobody cares.
01:28It's New York.
01:29Swing a cat.
01:30I love this city.
01:31Huh?
01:32Married.
01:32Oh, why would we ever ruin us by getting married?
01:36I know.
01:37I mean, we live together.
01:38We love each other.
01:39What more do we need?
01:40I mean, it's silly.
01:41Silly.
01:42Right.
01:43Lindy, will you not be my wife?
01:46Les, I will not.
01:48And will I not be your husband?
01:51You will not, Les!
01:52And will you?
01:54What?
01:58What is this?
02:00Watch this.
02:02Uh-huh.
02:02Whoa, it's the fast fingers there, mister.
02:07Not marry me?
02:11Absolutely not.
02:12Never, ever.
02:17What the fuck is happening?
02:20Well, I thought we could maybe make it not official.
02:26Are we not doing this?
02:29Are we not not doing this?
02:31I don't know.
02:33I mean, we always said we wouldn't do the icky marriage stuff, but...
02:37But?
02:38But maybe...
02:39Maybe two-nose make a yes.
02:43We've sworn for years that we were never, ever...
02:47I know, I know.
02:48But maybe the really defiant, non-conformist, rebellious thing would be for us to...
02:56Get fucking married.
02:57Yeah.
02:58But?
02:59But, but, like a non-traditional, non-bridezilla, non-wedding wedding...
03:05Yeah.
03:07Yeah.
03:34I cannot believe that you did all the same play.
03:37Alice!
03:39Right here, ma'am.
03:39Oh, there you are.
03:41Always, ma'am.
03:41Let's put this someplace safe, under lock and key.
03:45Nothing can happen to them.
03:46Check.
03:47Next.
03:47Flowers.
03:48After the ceremony.
03:49Transfer to the tables.
03:50Low-stemmed, vases only.
03:52To review.
03:52Rehearsal dinner rundown.
03:54Drinks and hors d'oeuvres on arrival.
03:56Bride and groom welcome speech.
03:58Appetizers and various toasts.
03:59You have the approved list?
04:00Yes, ma'am.
04:01Okay.
04:01Dessert.
04:02Done.
04:02Everybody fucks off.
04:03I get my sleep.
04:04We good?
04:05Good.
04:05Good.
04:06Wait, just good?
04:07Great.
04:08Great.
04:09Oh, one more thing.
04:10Ah!
04:11Videographer.
04:12So very important.
04:13One question only.
04:14What is it?
04:15What is the secret to a happy marriage?
04:16What do I not want?
04:17Advice.
04:18Remember when.
04:19Well wishes.
04:19Gold fucking star.
04:21Wait, ma'am.
04:21Excuse me.
04:22Kevin.
04:22Classic rectangle, not Bishop's hat.
04:24Oh, good catch.
04:26Jesus.
04:27Alice.
04:28Font spelling placement.
04:31My dad cannot sit next to my mom.
04:35We were informed that a Walt was assuming the father of the bride responsibilities by Diane,
04:42mother of the bride.
04:43That is incorrect.
04:44We need to start again.
04:45Kevin.
04:45Kevin, we need to begin again.
04:46Hold on.
04:47What are you doing?
04:47I am preventing a nuclear fallout.
04:51She always does this.
04:52Who?
04:53Diane.
04:53Does what?
04:54Pushes my dad out.
04:55But he's coming, right?
04:56Right.
04:57So, we need to seat Jim, father of the bride, next to Nancy.
05:02Nancy.
05:03Mother of the groom from a normal, stable, functional family and not my house of lies madness sadness
05:12family.
05:13Okay?
05:13Kevin.
05:14Okay?
05:15Kevin.
05:15Champagne or cocktails before dinner?
05:17Cocktails.
05:17Thank you, Alice.
05:19What?
05:19Champ-
05:20No.
05:21Champagne!
05:22Champagne.
05:23Thank you, Alice.
05:24Diane and cocktails.
05:25No food, no absorption.
05:27We talked about this.
05:28She can-
05:29Whoa, whoa.
05:29Let's take a breath.
05:30We're losing sight.
05:31We're losing sight.
05:33Thank you for using we.
05:35Yeah.
05:35We hate-
05:36What does that mean to me?
05:37We hate this.
05:38Right.
05:39Right.
05:40Oh, my God.
05:40We do not want this, and that's why it's fun, okay?
05:44Everything that goes bad is good, because it makes for a better story.
05:48Our not-wedding wedding, for our not-marriage marriage, it's all nots, okay?
05:54Rebels of the altar.
05:55It's just us.
05:57Right.
05:57It's you and me.
05:58You and me.
05:59You and me.
06:00Okay.
06:00Okay?
06:02Yeah, okay.
06:03But, like, what if I lose control?
06:06Yeah, what if you lose control?
06:07Because I'm really on the edge.
06:08I think- I think that perhaps we need a safe word.
06:11That'd be good.
06:12Yeah.
06:13Okay?
06:13Like, um-
06:15Um-
06:15Uh-
06:17I know.
06:18Like- like, um, Halloween, 1999.
06:21Oh, yeah.
06:22In the sea of Bill Clinton's and Monica Lewinsky's and Linda Tripp's.
06:25There were only two-
06:27Janet Reno's.
06:28Yeah.
06:29Oh, Janet Reno.
06:31Safe word.
06:31I love it.
06:32I love you.
06:32I fucking love you.
06:34Okay.
06:35Okay.
06:37Okay, but that flower is not in the center.
06:39Hey, hey, hey, come on.
06:40Okay, I'm gonna-
06:41Cool.
06:41I'm gonna let it go.
06:42Come on.
06:42Countdown chance arrival, T-minus 25 minutes.
06:4525.
06:46I did, I did.
06:47Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:48Hey, hey!
06:48Martin!
06:49Hey, how are you?
06:50Hey, buddy.
06:52Congratulations!
06:53Oh, mwah!
06:55Oh, oh, sweet.
06:57Redeemer.
06:58Am I the first?
06:59You're punctual.
07:01I'm- where's, uh, is it Dana?
07:03Uh, Dana and I are exploring our options in a good way.
07:07Cool.
07:08Okay.
07:08I need you in the kitchen.
07:10Uh, I'm greeting guests.
07:11I'm supposed to be here.
07:14What?
07:19Okay.
07:21It's nothing.
07:22Okay.
07:23Nothing.
07:23Everything okay?
07:24Yes.
07:24Good.
07:25Um, so?
07:26Well, Dana felt that she needed something.
07:28No, no, no.
07:28About the-
07:29Oh, oh, oh.
07:29You know what?
07:30Let's not talk to me at all.
07:31Oh, they passed.
07:32They fucking passed.
07:34What?
07:35Feezy assholes.
07:36They've got no vision.
07:37They've got no fucking balls.
07:40Hey, hey.
07:40Well, get there, okay?
07:41I know a guy at Monsanto.
07:42Kill me if we end up at Monsanto.
07:45Hey, hey.
07:47So how was your nothing?
07:49It's fine.
07:49Yes, it'll be fine.
07:50Good.
07:51How's everything?
07:52Everything fine?
07:53Fine, fine, fine.
07:53Good.
07:54Oh, they passed.
07:55No, no, no.
07:56It's Dana.
07:57We're hoping she'll come through, right?
07:58Uh, yeah.
08:00Uh, hey, you know, I'll be at the bar.
08:02Okay.
08:05Diane!
08:06Walt!
08:07Walt needs to use the restroom.
08:10The signage here lacking.
08:11Uh, down the hall.
08:13First left, on the left.
08:14Left?
08:15Right.
08:16No, left.
08:17Okay.
08:18Right.
08:20Good luck.
08:23Okay.
08:25Snub.
08:26Noted.
08:28Les, has he canceled yet?
08:30Who?
08:30Jim.
08:31Uh, no, no, no.
08:32He's confirmed.
08:32Who said?
08:33Lindy said.
08:34No, he's not coming.
08:35You need to prepare.
08:36Prepare for what?
08:37Heartbreak, drama, tears.
08:39Walt will walk Lindy down the aisle.
08:41I think Lindy wanted to do that.
08:43It's handled.
08:43Walt will step in for Jim.
08:45Crisis averted, less drama, fewer tears.
09:02Ready?
09:03And what is the secret to a happy marriage?
09:07There is no secret, Walt.
09:11Nope.
09:11And happy, unsustainable.
09:14Enough said.
09:15But I will say, I know it's fashionable these days for everyone to express every single feeling at every single
09:24moment.
09:24But as far as I'm concerned, but as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't do anyone the slightest bit of
09:28good.
09:29And marriage, Walt.
09:33Be nice.
09:36And if you can't be nice, be silent, Walt.
09:52Why the fuck are you two doing this?
09:55Terry!
09:56Why are we doing marriage?
09:58Ugh.
09:58Hey, hey.
09:59Mm-hmm.
10:00Hi.
10:00Hi, hi.
10:01Be nice.
10:02Morning.
10:02Okay.
10:03I do have the greatest wedding present ever.
10:06Open it now.
10:08No, we're doing gifts after that.
10:10Now, damn it.
10:10Okay, is this what I think it is?
10:13You have a ton of work to do.
10:15Oh.
10:15No, we don't.
10:16It can't wait.
10:19It has to wait.
10:20I mean, I have to be here.
10:22Well, you want to be here.
10:24Yes, I want to be here.
10:25You have to be here.
10:26All right, Stepford.
10:27I want to be here.
10:28It's my wedding.
10:29We agreed that we wouldn't do any work on the wedding.
10:31Right.
10:31Well, does your book go to print Monday, Tomato Head?
10:34What?
10:34You told her about the tomato?
10:36Was it a secret?
10:37Yeah.
10:38Oh, we don't have any secrets.
10:39Get used to it, Leslie.
10:40You can get out.
10:41You have no right to call me Leslie.
10:43Is it not your name?
10:44You have no emotional right.
10:44Okay.
10:45Hey, hey, hey, hey.
10:46Hey, look who's here.
10:46Your mom and dad.
10:48Oh.
10:51Wendy.
10:52Mom and dad are here.
10:52I'm right behind you.
10:53I'm right behind you.
10:56Mom and dad, how sweet.
10:58Yeah, I am going all fucking in on this new normal family.
11:01There is no normal.
11:03Do you want your book in Barnes & Noble?
11:04What?
11:04Yeah, of course I do.
11:05Take a drink.
11:06We're getting blurbs from France.
11:07We're getting blurbs from Donna Tartt.
11:09She doesn't blurb.
11:10Here you are worrying about the fucking canapes.
11:12Oh, my God.
11:15What happened to our pact?
11:17Terry.
11:17We marry our careers.
11:18We breed success only.
11:20We date and dump.
11:23No marriage.
11:23No traditional gender roles.
11:25No Midwesterners.
11:25No Cowboys.
11:26New Yorkers.
11:27Need only apply.
11:28We were young and we were not serious.
11:31We were deadly serious.
11:33Yeah, but that was when I didn't think I was ever going to have actual love in my life.
11:38I will throw myself off the roof of this hotel.
11:40Is it the wedding you're mad about?
11:43Or is it less?
11:45Fine.
11:45I don't like either, but my concern is less about Les and more about you moving to the
11:50fucking suburbs and being unable to write.
11:52I am not moving to the suburbs, Les doesn't want that either.
11:55I will never not write and I don't vacuum, so I will be me.
11:59Now I know I'm fucked.
12:01It's a wedding.
12:02It's not a death sentence.
12:04They're one and the same.
12:08Yeah, I think it's a little done.
12:09How was the journey down?
12:10How was the drive down?
12:12Oh, Lord.
12:13Oh, my leg wrapped up.
12:14I don't know.
12:15Mom, it is.
12:16Oh.
12:17Did I get you anything like ice or aspirin?
12:20I'm not crying about it.
12:21The little dads are here!
12:23Hey, where can we get a real drink of this stuff?
12:26Hey!
12:29Lindy, looking hot.
12:30Okay, Sam.
12:31Well, your wife's right there.
12:32Okay.
12:34Congrats, bro.
12:35Thanks, buddy.
12:37Jesus!
12:38Watch the family tools there.
12:40I think you're incredible.
12:42Mommy's not going to come to your defense anymore, Leslie!
12:45That's Lindy's job now.
12:47Yeah, well, I'm going to...
12:50Okay, guys, get in the bar, you know?
12:54Great to see you!
12:57Do you need ice or anything?
12:59Are you going to throw up?
13:06Yay!
13:07Here we go!
13:12Welcome, everyone.
13:13Welcome.
13:14We can't tell you how honored we are to have you all here.
13:17Yeah, as many of you know that Les and I never planned to do any of this.
13:24Nope.
13:24Nope.
13:24Not at all.
13:25Nope.
13:26No way.
13:27But I did know, I did know, I will tell you this, that I did know that when the first
13:31moment
13:31that I met her, something inside me changed.
13:36And I knew that I wanted her in my life forever.
13:41And ever.
13:42And ever.
13:42Yes.
13:45Um, well, alcohol and a sexy Halloween costume will do that to you.
13:50That's what got me.
13:51Um, I, I will say that our first date got off to a bit of a rocky start, though, because
13:56I had asked her to, um, the classiest restaurant that my, my grad student's stipend would allow,
14:02the Olive Garden.
14:03Oh, thank you so much.
14:05Wonderful.
14:05I was so scared, anticipating Lindy's arrival.
14:09I was sitting there waiting, waiting, and waiting, until it became obvious to me
14:14and to the entire restaurant that she wasn't coming.
14:17And she had stood me up at the Olive Garden.
14:21Uh, and finally the waiter came over and asked if there was anything else I needed, um, my
14:27dignity, my, my pride, maybe.
14:29Um, and I was about to ask for the check when a voice rang out.
14:34Your finest house read unlimited breadsticks and an apology for the sad sexy sack at table
14:41nine.
14:41I'm glad I waited.
14:42I'm sorry.
14:43Those breadsticks were really good.
14:48To you.
14:49And to me.
14:51And to forever.
14:56To all of those things.
14:58And to you.
14:59To you for, for making the trip.
15:01We really, we love you all so much.
15:03Let's eat.
15:04Yes.
15:08Lovely speech.
15:09Thank you both.
15:11Ah, ah, cute, right?
15:18Uh, attention, we're having a small issue in the kitchen, a tiny delay with dinner.
15:28So we're bringing cocktails for everyone to enjoy in the interim.
15:32Great.
15:32No, no, no, no.
15:34We hate this.
15:36More cocktails?
15:37And how many cocktails she's already had?
15:39We hate this.
15:39This is a recipe for disaster.
15:41We hate this.
15:42Gasoline, a match is lit.
15:44A match is lit.
15:48Guess what it is, isn't it?
15:57Keeping romance alive.
16:00Les is a hopeless romantic at heart.
16:04Do you remember those sweet poems he used to, he used to write when he was little, dear?
16:09He would, he would put them on our pillow every night.
16:12Before he went to sleep.
16:14Howdy grew out of that one.
16:16I remember, um, Twinkle Twinkle, little me, how I wonder what I'll be.
16:22They get it, they get it.
16:31Right, a groom.
16:33Lindy, best friend.
16:34Oh, well, yeah, Les is my best friend.
16:37How come our paths have never crossed?
16:40I don't like him.
16:40I mean, do you?
16:43I never thought about it.
16:45Huh.
16:45You didn't say yes.
16:46Oh, well, you caught me off guard.
16:48Well, isn't, doesn't best friend imply yes?
16:51Not always.
16:54I get the impression you don't want to be here?
16:56Well, Lindy wants me here, so I'm here.
17:00You here with a plus one?
17:03Why, no.
17:05Where's your date?
17:07It's complicated.
17:08Ugh, complicated leads to all of this.
17:11You're very direct.
17:13You like him.
17:15I don't know if I do.
17:16You will.
17:17I don't know if I will.
17:21Just wait.
17:25So, you ready for the show?
17:27Oh, yes.
17:27Gary, when do you think the show will start?
17:29What show?
17:30Wait, is this your first McMichael event?
17:31Have you never been to a McMichael event?
17:34Yeah, I, no.
17:35Why?
17:35Things are gonna get nuts.
17:37Oh, we guarantee it.
17:38Nuts.
17:39I predict blood?
17:40Yes, blood.
17:43What kind of blood?
17:45What?
17:46Look at me.
17:48Tell me.
17:50Is this what you really want?
17:55Terry.
17:56Ha.
17:56You didn't say yes.
17:58Are you working at your wedding?
18:01My book goes to print Monday.
18:03Hi.
18:04Welcome.
18:04How many is that?
18:08I told Les.
18:10Walt will walk you down the aisle.
18:12Dad will.
18:14Optimism is naive, and not you.
18:16You have been perfectly cast as negativity.
18:19Hi, Cust.
18:20Hi, Diane.
18:21You're not helping.
18:22Hi, Terry.
18:23Need I remind you how many times your father was a no-show?
18:26Pick an event.
18:27Mom, your grievances are not my grievances.
18:29I was the one left to pick up the pieces.
18:33Oh, you mean kick the pieces and say I told you so.
18:38If you don't want to follow in your father's footsteps, you should be over there with your husband-to-be.
18:43That is your duty as wife-to-be.
18:46Don't mess this up, too.
18:54Mother of ice.
18:57What an accent.
18:58Duty?
18:59Well, you are a wife-to-be.
19:01Oh, is that the book?
19:04Yeah.
19:04Am I in it?
19:05Okay, no one's in it.
19:07It's fiction.
19:07I cannot believe that you are getting married.
19:11When you always said you never wanted to.
19:14And I always wanted to.
19:16But I could never find the one.
19:18Not that there is, like, a one.
19:19But I found him.
19:21Oh.
19:22Tim, this is my...
19:25Has anyone seen Tim?
19:27Um, Aaron.
19:29Is that him?
19:31Oh, God.
19:32Uh, yeah.
19:33Isn't he great?
19:35I'll be right back.
19:36I dare you.
19:39I don't know what love is.
19:41I don't know.
19:42None of us do, but they know.
19:44They know.
19:45Last time I spoke to this many people was for the launch of the Ford Taurus,
19:49as some of you probably know I designed.
19:51Sorry, I'm going to bring this down to human height.
19:54I've known you a long time.
19:56Long time.
19:57Remember?
19:58Yeah.
19:59I do.
20:00Oh, this, um, is Les's favorite song when he was little.
20:03You'll remember it, Les.
20:05I utilized to play the lady.
20:07Odlo, banjo, odlo.
20:07And read, let's did odlo on my needly-le-le-le.
20:09But honestly, when I first saw you two together, I was like,
20:13mm-mm, no way.
20:13Never going to happen.
20:14It's never going to happen.
20:16We're so happy for you.
20:18So happy for you.
20:20To my much older sister, who found the one so easily.
20:26Because, of course.
20:27Lindy, Lindy, Lindy, Lindy, you are, you are hot.
20:32I'm not allowed the streetlings are meddling and disorderly.
20:35This is a long-eye seedling for you to lose.
20:38Anyway, I'm hopeful, you know, I have my Tim.
20:43We should ask them what love is.
20:46Right?
20:47Ah.
20:49Junk.
20:51Anyone seen Tim?
20:52This is a long-eye seedling for you to lose.
20:59Love.
21:01It's a beautiful thing.
21:08Where the fuck is the food?
21:10Minutes away, ma'am.
21:11I mean, miss.
21:12Alice, you said that five minutes ago.
21:18You know, Lindy was born on my birthday.
21:21Stealing my thunder from day one.
21:24From the moment my baby girl breathed air, she screamed.
21:28And not just been born screaming, no.
21:31This one, this one had something to say.
21:34And I thought, holy shit, now I got two women screaming at me.
21:38Hi, Diane.
21:42Then, I held her in my arms.
21:45And she suddenly stopped screaming.
21:47Silence.
21:48The nurse said she'd never seen anything like it.
21:51She said, you two belong together.
21:55Like peas and carrots.
21:57I was in Milwaukee the day she was born.
21:59And to see her now, young, in love, getting married, bright futures ahead of you, it makes
22:08a man feel a little bit giddy just sharing the air with you, as long as there's no screaming.
22:17You know, when you've got kids, you see a little bit of you in them.
22:24And when they find someone who loves them, it's like that little piece of you is getting
22:33that love, too.
22:36Makes this old man feel very proud.
22:44Congratulations to you both.
22:45I couldn't be happier.
22:47Hey, you're the peas and carrots now.
22:57Speech of the night.
22:58Speech of the night.
23:00At least it didn't regale us for the so-called baseball career.
23:06That one, baby.
23:11I'm so happy you're here.
23:13Gotta have someone on your team, kiddo.
23:15Daddy.
23:17This is less.
23:19Mr. McMichael, an honor, sir.
23:21Jim, never serve.
23:24And the honor is mine.
23:25But there's an obligation I have as a father.
23:28And that is that if you break her heart, I will break your son.
23:34I'm kidding.
23:36Clear, direct, threatening.
23:38With warmth and jest.
23:40I can see where Lindy gets it.
23:44Hey, hey.
23:46Diane.
23:47Jim.
23:48Walt.
23:49Jim.
23:50Les.
23:51Oh, uh, Kevin.
23:52Mom.
23:54Lindy.
23:58So how about that book of hers?
24:02You read it?
24:03It's incredible.
24:04You're a big talent, Lindy.
24:06Dad.
24:06Chip off the old block.
24:07And boy, did you get the Diane character down to a T.
24:11Dad.
24:11Yeah, it kept me looking over my shoulder, kiddo.
24:14I'm in it.
24:15No, nobody's in it.
24:16It's fiction.
24:16I'm a character in your book.
24:18And you managed to send him an advance copy to address unknown.
24:22But not me.
24:23Mom.
24:24Walt.
24:26Diane.
24:27Mom.
24:29Kevin!
24:35Leslie, show Dad what you were showing.
24:36Oh, no, no.
24:37It's early days.
24:38Show him.
24:39It's extraordinary, Frank.
24:41Yeah, show me.
24:42Come on.
24:42Okay, if you're sure.
24:44Food's not here yet.
24:45See?
24:46It's the perfect time.
24:47Go on, dear.
24:47Okay, well, Dad, I am on the brink of inventing the GMO tomato.
24:56Wow.
24:57So the genetically modified tomato really has the potential to change agriculture as we know it.
25:03And Monsanto is interested, actually.
25:05Hasn't the tomato already been invented?
25:07Yeah, but this is a new kind of, this is a different kind of tomato.
25:09You love tomatoes, Frank.
25:11I do love tomatoes in the sandwich.
25:16Does it look like a tomato?
25:18Yeah, but it's genetically modified.
25:20And it tastes like a tomato.
25:21Yes, but, yeah.
25:24It's a tomato.
25:25It is.
25:25It is.
25:26Yeah, nice.
25:28Yeah, yeah.
25:29You see, he's impressed.
25:32Yeah.
25:34Well, they did a great job.
25:36Good job.
25:43Uh, bullshit to marriage, bullshit to happy.
25:46Do you want to know what genre I file romance under?
25:48Fantasy.
25:49And as for Lindy and the Nutty Professor, science fiction.
25:52I'm just waiting for the day my phone rings and she's accidentally got two heads.
25:57Attention, distinguished guests.
25:59The food is on its way.
26:02Please return to your seats in a timely manner and we'll...
26:05Chapter 9.
26:08Mother of Ice.
26:09Oh, fuck.
26:11My mother was not kind or warm.
26:15Walt, go stop her.
26:16Do something.
26:17I'm no hero.
26:18Okay, all right.
26:19Everybody take your seat.
26:20Sit down.
26:21Don't worry.
26:22Everybody, mom.
26:22Her feelings frozen into harsh, jagged edges.
26:26Ready to impale anyone who got to...
26:29Stop it.
26:29You're ruining mom.
26:30What the fuck are you doing?
26:31You're ruining my wedding.
26:32Diane, would you like some coffee?
26:34Where's Kevin?
26:34As soon as...
26:36Kevin?
26:36I'm...
26:37Kevin!
26:39Temperature dropped.
26:40The air's hot.
26:41You wanted these little freaking there.
26:43Kevin, we need coffee.
26:45Can I unplug this?
26:47Good idea.
26:48Great idea.
26:49Scorned my mother's love.
26:50Unplug it.
26:51Mom, what are you doing?
26:52Hell hath no fury like a repressed middle-aged mother scorned.
26:57My mother's love conditional.
26:59It had to be earned.
27:00It had to be controlled.
27:02I don't know where I...
27:04I'm burning!
27:05He's fine.
27:06He's fine.
27:07He's not burning.
27:08My mother was not one to forget or forget.
27:11Mother!
27:12Stop!
27:13We're getting out of here.
27:15Walk!
27:15Stop!
27:16Jesus!
27:17Fuck, Diane!
27:18Fuck the knife!
27:20Put the knife down!
27:24I've been stabbed!
27:26I've been stabbed!
27:27I've been stabbed!
27:27I've been stabbed!
27:27I can bleed out!
27:29I've got to pull it, right?
27:29I've got to pull it out!
27:30Don't pull it out!
27:31I don't think you can have any fight with me!
27:34I really don't think you can have any fight with me!
27:35Three, two, one!
27:40Everybody's getting stabbed!
27:41Oh, let's get you out of here, dear.
27:44Oh!
27:49Walter, could you restrain your fucking wife?
27:52What?
27:52Don't tell me what to do!
27:54Come on, go up there!
27:54Stop coming in!
27:55What are you doing?
27:56Come on!
27:57I fucking will!
27:58What are you doing about that?
27:59Damn!
27:59Jesus!
28:02Oh, my God!
28:05Holy gracious, Savior, you caused it!
28:07Double stabbing!
28:09Should have put money on it.
28:11Marriage bloodsport.
28:12Everybody, please!
28:14Sit down and enjoy the fucking Tudor Tartar!
28:24Uh...
28:25What happened exactly?
28:28Rehearsal dinner.
28:31Got it.
28:34By the way, I liked your speech.
28:36A lot.
28:39By the way...
28:41I liked your face.
28:44A lot.
28:46Myra, let's go.
28:48Now.
28:50Blessed shepherd.
28:52I should probably introduce myself.
28:54Don't.
28:57I'll...
28:58What's the secret to a happy marriage?
29:01Being in sync.
29:02Being in sync.
29:06What a shit show.
29:11Oh, my God.
29:12My family.
29:14Always with the drama.
29:16I mean, I only wanted to get married.
29:18To join your normal family so I could escape from the madness of my own.
29:23Only.
29:27Only.
29:31Only.
29:32Less.
29:33You only wanted to get married to join my normal family?
29:38Do you have any idea how small that makes me feel?
29:44Oh, hey.
29:47Nothing's changed.
29:50And I love you.
29:52Not enough to not work.
29:55But I rehearsed a dinner, right?
29:57Maybe I could...
29:58Maybe I could still feel my thigh.
30:01What happened to everything that goes bad is good?
30:05Makes for a better story.
30:06We're not even doing this for real.
30:09Are we?
30:10I don't know.
30:11Are we?
30:13What's happening?
30:15Is this maybe the drugs talking?
30:18Uh, maybe.
30:19Maybe.
30:20Maybe not.
30:21My God, where are you going?
30:23Going to my room.
30:25God bless.
30:26Let's just fuck that traditional wedding superstition stuff.
30:29Well, you want to fuck the wedding?
30:33That is not what I just said.
30:35But that's what you meant.
30:36No.
30:37Wait.
30:38What's this?
30:40I...
30:40I...
30:41I...
30:42Let...
30:42That's your vow?
30:43Let's do this thing?
30:45Come on.
30:46I'm...
30:46That?
30:47That's...
30:47I...
30:47I'm...
30:48Tomorrow, I'm gonna...
30:49I wanted to be...
30:49I got it.
30:50I got it.
30:50It really is a fucking wedding.
30:52I understand.
30:53Hang on.
30:54Where...
30:54Where...
30:54Wait.
30:58Am I gonna see you tomorrow?
30:59Am I gonna see you tomorrow?
31:17Hey.
31:18Hey.
31:20Cold feet?
31:22Maybe.
31:24Drink?
31:26Yeah.
31:27You all right?
31:33Oh, I'm sorry about your arm.
31:35Ah.
31:37She's been waiting 20 years to stab me with something.
31:39It's okay.
31:41Yeah.
31:43I think this wedding was a mistake.
31:47The wedding or the marriage?
31:51Gotta say, I never thought I'd see my little firecracker settle down.
31:57But you like less, right?
31:59You chose dependable over exciting.
32:02Is that bad?
32:04We don't do dependable.
32:05Me and you.
32:12I wanted normal.
32:15Never had normal.
32:20Well, not normal fueled your talent.
32:24Hell, you wrote a fantastic book because of it.
32:29Normal can kill a creative spark.
32:33That's why I can't write my vows, maybe.
32:36Could be.
32:38I should know.
32:41Before I met Diane, I was a lock for the majors.
32:44But you know the story.
32:46Yep.
32:46Yeah.
32:47You got married and then the armoire.
32:49The armoire.
32:50Whenever they dress her thing, she wanted upstairs.
32:52Had to have it upstairs.
32:53And then tore a ligament.
32:55And how was that?
32:57By baseball career.
32:59You really think you would have been a baseball star if you hadn't married mom?
33:06After we divorced, I started playing down in the Mexican Pacific League.
33:10Everyone thought I was washed up.
33:12Coach was forced to sign me, so he benched me game after game.
33:17And one day, their star player got injured, and Coach had no choice but to send me into the bat.
33:25First pitch, swing and a miss.
33:27Second pitch, another whiff.
33:29If I blow it, I'm done.
33:31And the next pitch, I hit that goddamn ball so hard, it smashes out the stadium lights, sparks flying onto
33:37the field, crowd goes wild, and I knew.
33:41I mean, I remembered in that moment.
33:45For great talent to thrive, you gotta put you first.
33:51You hear me, kiddo?
33:54Yeah.
33:55Yeah.
33:56Yeah.
33:57I'll have the car running tomorrow morning, if you want to make a run for it.
34:03We both know this isn't you.
34:05Peas and carrots.
34:08I'll be right back.
34:08I ain't gonna see a man about a horse.
34:17Um, you do know that was the plot of The Natural, right?
34:22Oh, yeah, Kevin.
34:24I know.
34:34I know.
34:38I know.
34:42I know.
35:00are you crying no are you smoking no
35:07is it because i stabbed you no is it because you stabbed me
35:13yes
35:18what did she say or what did she do
35:22she was so uh excited
35:30fear cloaked in excitement
35:34and now she wants to run well she didn't say that she didn't have to
35:41lindia is like jim but she's more like me and she realizes the more she loves someone the more she
35:48fears they will run we have the endlessly charming jim to thank for that say what you will about me
35:56but i stuck around i know i am not easy or charming and contrary to popular belief i am not
36:06a monster
36:08after jim left
36:13my heart broke
36:16yes mother of ice has a heart
36:19i vowed i'd never marry again
36:24then i met walt
36:26he's a good one
36:27i may be the only one who sees that
36:30but everyone else can fuck right off
36:33now you less
36:37you are one of the good ones too
36:43and lindy knows it
36:46and that's why she's trying so hard
36:48not to run
36:55this conversation never happened
36:59diane
37:00thank you
37:01not bad for an emotional icicle
37:29fuck
37:31fuck
37:53oh daddy
37:55janet reno
38:17let's do this thing
38:27you took my fucking bullhorn
38:31kevin
38:41this is not us
38:44it's not us
38:49but is it you
38:52be honest
39:00yeah
39:01i wanted to get married
39:03to you
39:07and i wanted a wedding
39:12i did
39:14but you
39:15um
39:15didn't
39:16no
39:20so why did you say yes
39:22because i didn't want to lose you
39:24or my family
39:26but you see why now right
39:31i just wanted
39:34was longing
39:35for some
39:37sense of
39:38normal
39:39yeah i said
39:41i'd do
39:43what i'd always said i wouldn't do
39:47because i didn't want you to go
39:49go
39:50go
39:51i'm an overly educated
39:53uh science nerd
39:55nobody
39:56with
39:57with one
39:58dumb
39:59idea
40:00no one gives a shit about
40:02you
40:03are
40:03brilliant
40:04and you're gonna change the world
40:07i truly believe you will
40:09and i can't wrap my head around
40:12why you wanna
40:14stay with a dum-dum like me
40:18when you tell me i can change the world
40:20then i believe
40:23and there is nothing i want more
40:25than to be with a dum-dum like you
40:27forever
40:30fuck the paperwork
40:31but you want the paperwork
40:32you don't
40:33you don't
40:34so fuck it
40:38but you saying fuck it really makes me fucking happy
40:42i fucking love you
40:45i fucking love you
40:53now i just want to un-fuck it and just get married
40:59what fuck it for real
41:00but for us
41:02like our
41:04our thing
41:05our
41:05our
41:06normal
41:06our version
41:07and
41:08and
41:09no drama
41:10yes no violence
41:11no police
41:12no family
41:13no
41:18i know a perfect place
41:23the gray house
41:24the gray house
41:40the secret
41:42not having a wedding
41:46having two
41:48diane
41:49don't make me come over there
41:55i
41:55less little john
41:57do not take you
41:59lindy mcmichael
42:00to be my wedded wife
42:02i
42:03lindy mcmichael
42:04do not
42:05take you less little john
42:07to be my wedded husband
42:08not
42:09never
42:10never
42:11ever
42:11you are signing the papers yes
42:13yes
42:13yeah
42:14okay
42:15okay well
42:16i now pronounce you
42:17not husband and wife
42:19i don't know
42:21i don't know
42:21i think
42:49that's because
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