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Taskmaster - S19E01 - Sometimes Spit [Full Movie] [Full Version]Full EP - Full
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00:02This was a mistake!
00:04Shut up!
00:05Button?
00:14You're mad.
00:16Wow.
00:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:34Hello! Thank you, I'm Greg Davis.
00:37Welcome to this brand new series of Taskmaster!
00:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:44I have never felt so full of hope.
00:48The tasks are new, the contestants are new,
00:50and whilst I was enjoying my single-origin espresso this morning,
00:54they were being shaved down and put through our 12-point hygiene programme,
00:58ready for battle so they all smell just great for now.
01:02So let's meet the new recruits,
01:04ready to risk it all to take home Daddy's golden head.
01:10Daddy's golden head of destiny,
01:12is a sentence I forgot I wrote.
01:17Please welcome...
01:18Fathya Al Gorey!
01:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:21Jason Mandzuka!
01:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:24Matthew Bateson!
01:27Rosie Ramsey!
01:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:30And Stevie Martin!
01:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:34And next to me, a man who is a lifelong supporter
01:36of Liverpool Football Club
01:38and tells me that the only downside to that
01:40is meeting the other fans,
01:42who he finds to be universally stupid
01:45and physically disgusting.
01:47LAUGHTER
01:57I've designed for episode one a brand-new magic trick,
02:00and I know you love magic, Greg.
02:01I love magic.
02:02Well, you're going to love this magic trick.
02:03It's called the magic pen.
02:05It looks like an ordinary pen.
02:06Mm-hm.
02:07But I've signed it using the pen.
02:11How?
02:12How?
02:13I'll tell you how.
02:15Magic.
02:16Magic.
02:17LAUGHTER
02:19A magic pen.
02:20How's it done?
02:21I know what you're thinking.
02:22Maybe I've used a second pen.
02:24Well, look, here is another pen.
02:25Also signed.
02:27How?
02:27I'll tell you how.
02:29Magic.
02:30Magic.
02:32Could there be another pen?
02:33Yes, but also signed.
02:35Magic.
02:36Yeah, I know the man well,
02:38and I wouldn't be surprised if there's a fourth pen.
02:42LAUGHTER
02:43Magic.
02:45Yeah, I don't think you'd go to fifth, though.
02:47I did, actually,
02:48and I couldn't work out how to get it on this one.
02:49Anyway, that's the magic trick.
02:52An auspicious beginning to a new season.
02:55Series, Jason.
02:57LAUGHTER
03:00I'm with him.
03:00You're a guest in this country.
03:03You'll learn our ways by hook or crook, young man.
03:06LAUGHTER
03:07OK, let's have our first prize task category, please.
03:10OK, and we're starting the series with the object
03:13that reminds you of school the most in a good way.
03:16We all know Greg used to be a teacher.
03:18Mm.
03:19We also know Greg has played teachers on TV,
03:21and as the taskmaster, he's sort of like a head teacher.
03:24So, yes, Greg's got range.
03:26Five points...
03:27LAUGHTER
03:27I've not got range!
03:29LAUGHTER
03:30I'm amazed you're in showroom!
03:33LAUGHTER
03:33You should be, at most, an assistant bank manager!
03:39Mm.
03:40So, five points will be gifted to the bringer of the item Greg likes best,
03:43and the winner of the episode will take home all five prizes
03:46in a great big school satchel.
03:48Peace out, man.
03:48OK, Fatio, welcome to Taskmaster.
03:51What have you brought me?
03:52So, I brought in a golf club.
03:54Here it is.
03:55That reminds her of school the most in a good way.
03:58As a kid, I used to be really naughty, and my mum had enough,
04:01so she came up the school, and she goes to the teacher,
04:03if Fertiha keeps on playing up, hit her, and then he got this thing,
04:08and he put it as if he's going to do a golf move, and then...
04:11And he would hit you with a golf club?
04:12No, he would pretend to. Are you mad?
04:14Am I mad?
04:17No, he would pretend to, so he'd, like, try to scare me into being a good girl.
04:21So, the thing that you've brought in that reminds you of school
04:24in a good way is a golf club that your teacher used to threaten you with.
04:28Yeah, cos I never got hit, so that's a good thing.
04:30Ah!
04:31The class is half full.
04:34Jason, what thing did you bring in to represent the good times?
04:38Well, this, for me, was something that was ubiquitous in my high school.
04:42It is a map, but it's the kind of map that was mounted on the blackboard
04:45that you pulled down like this.
04:47Oh, sweet.
04:48Right? See, I thought you'd be like that.
04:50Here it is.
04:51Oh, yeah.
04:51Oh, yeah, nice.
04:52I mean, how satisfying is that?
04:54That's nice.
04:55If I could just imagine myself in the world.
04:58So, your childhood imagination just soared?
05:01Just wishing that I could get out and get here onto this stage.
05:05Wow.
05:05It's both heartwarming and tragic.
05:08Who's next?
05:10Oh, I've got some facts about America, if you want.
05:12No, thanks.
05:14Matthew.
05:15I have brought the TV trolley.
05:19Oh, yes!
05:20Another blinding move.
05:23Just a sweet nostalgia.
05:25When this bad boy came out, you knew you were in for 45 minutes
05:29of watching a probably late 70s, early 80s old episode of Equinox.
05:37Yeah.
05:38A science documentary.
05:39And you would ignore the educational content
05:41and you would just be sort of laughing at the fashion.
05:44Well, having been a teacher, I can give you a bit of a glance
05:47behind the magician's curtain here.
05:49Because normally you would see the film or the documentary on a Friday
05:52and the reason for that is the teachers all went to the pub.
05:56And, I'm proud to tell you, I did a five-pint lunch.
06:03Every Friday?
06:04And it was Guinness too, so I was heavy.
06:09Thank you, I like your trolley.
06:11I mean, I've got to say, the golf club's looking less appealing.
06:17Yeah.
06:17Rosie, welcome.
06:18What have you brought in?
06:19I brought me school dinner.
06:22So, that's chicken with gravy.
06:25Is it?
06:26The TV should not stand up.
06:29What's all the way to the left next to the brown turd?
06:32Oh, that's stuffing.
06:34The dessert is on the same thing as the main.
06:36Yeah.
06:37So, you could go in your...
06:38That's all right.
06:39It all goes in the same stomach.
06:41Bold.
06:42This is good.
06:43Stevie!
06:44School, good times?
06:45No.
06:46But I found, like, a sort of cultural cachet in my school,
06:50which involves the prize task.
06:52Right, cultural cachet.
06:53Yes.
06:54Is it, hold it down to get the E acute?
06:59Stay with me.
07:02It is.
07:09So, scented gel pens.
07:11So, what people would do is draw their name for the person they were going out with,
07:16and then everyone would just walk around smelling the back of their hand all day.
07:20Yeah.
07:20But the cultural cachet was that my name begins with S, so I could do the Superman S thing,
07:25which was...
07:26Do you know the Superman S thing?
07:27Yeah.
07:27Yes, of course.
07:28OK.
07:29You said that you were in your 70s or something.
07:31I don't know.
07:32They had Superman, didn't they?
07:33No, they did.
07:36I'm not Victorian.
07:38Sorry.
07:39Sorry, yes, yes.
07:40Five objects there, Greg.
07:42What reminds you of school in the least good way?
07:44Well, obviously, being hit with a golf club.
07:47One point to faculty.
07:48Well done, we're off the mark.
07:49I guess I have to judge it on the things that made me go, ah, the most,
07:52so I have to give Stevie two points, because gel pens are a little bit new for me.
07:55Two to Stevie.
07:56Three to the school dinner.
07:58OK.
07:59For no other reason than we need to move on.
08:01OK.
08:01And...
08:03I love the VHS trolley, but it also slightly reminds me of my own teaching days.
08:08I love the romance of the map.
08:09So, five points to Jason, four points to the map.
08:11There we go.
08:12Well done, Jason McGregor, five points.
08:16Well, let's get going.
08:17OK.
08:18Well, hands down and heads up as we kick off proceedings in the lab.
08:36Hello, hello, hello.
08:38Fancy seeing you here.
08:41Jason.
08:43Alex.
08:43Thanks.
08:47Hi.
08:48Excellent entrance.
08:55Is this the lab?
08:59Wait, am I in the wrong room?
09:01This is the lab.
09:01It's the lab, innit?
09:05Bit mad.
09:05I'm going to read this.
09:07Not wasting any time.
09:08Right.
09:09Hello.
09:10Stevie?
09:11Yes.
09:11Did you get lost?
09:12I went to the wrong room.
09:14Let's go.
09:18Put your hands on the hands.
09:20Shut your eyes and keep them shut until you hear the whistle.
09:24Time starts now.
09:25Put your hands on the hands.
09:26Yes, please.
09:27Oh, I'm scared.
09:29OK.
09:33Are they shot?
09:34Yeah, they shot.
09:36Marvelous.
09:37What?
09:37What?
09:40Oi, don't make me look silly, innit?
09:42I wouldn't dream of it.
09:44Wow.
09:49Can I open my eyes now?
09:50Yes, if you've heard the whistle.
09:54Ah!
09:57What?
09:58What is it?
10:00Yeah.
10:01That's what I thought.
10:02Two jars of piss.
10:05Can you put your glasses on again if you want?
10:07Son of a bitch.
10:09OK, you can read the next part of the task now.
10:11Are you taking a mick?
10:12How am I going to do that?
10:16Oh, I hate this.
10:18Pour all the vinegar into the fish tank.
10:22Fastest wins.
10:23For every millimetre spilled.
10:25One second will be added to your time.
10:27Your time starts when you heard the whistle.
10:29OK.
10:30Alex, where's the fish tank?
10:31Let me guess, it's underneath me?
10:34Is that a fish tank?
10:36Is this a fish tank?
10:41Hmm.
10:43Good.
10:44Fatia said,
10:45Oi, don't make me look stupid, innit?
10:47And all I've written is,
10:49You have come to the wrong show, my friend.
10:52LAUGHTER
10:54She was furious from the moment we said, shut your eyes.
10:56Oh, for goodness.
10:57Yeah.
10:58That's how I am, honestly.
11:00Once I went to the shop and they ran out of the chocolate I wanted,
11:02and I called the police.
11:05You reported him because he hadn't kept up to speed with his chocolate supply.
11:08Yeah.
11:09Wow.
11:11Well, we begin with Fatia and Jason.
11:14And Matt.
11:16And Stevie.
11:19And that's it.
11:20Sorry, Rosie.
11:21Here we go.
11:25Laughing doesn't help.
11:29Oh, I can't...
11:32What happens if it's smashed?
11:35Oh.
11:38Oh.
11:40It's going to take some time.
11:42And I haven't thought through what happens when I get to the edge.
11:47Your fingers bend the wrong way.
11:48Why are you laughing, bro?
11:53It's all science-y in here.
11:55This season's theme, science.
11:57Oh, God.
12:03It's probably in the shed.
12:04Fish tank, fish tank, fish tank.
12:06A pile of vinegar in the fish tank.
12:09If I don't find it soon, I'm going to drink it.
12:11Okay.
12:11I'm either going to hate you or I'm going to hate myself.
12:14Okay.
12:14Well, I hope it's you in a way.
12:16This is a tank.
12:18No, it's not a tank.
12:19Well, that's a...
12:20It's a submarine.
12:21Mmm.
12:22All right.
12:23Have I lost my mind?
12:28Oh, you're taking the piss, bruv.
12:30What's this?
12:32What's it look like?
12:32You fucking assholes.
12:36Wait.
12:37Oh!
12:38Fish tank!
12:48Oh, fuck.
12:50I just spilled some.
12:52This is popping everywhere.
12:56Oh!
12:57Okay.
12:58Okay, I don't like that.
13:00Son of a bitch.
13:06Oh!
13:07This is good.
13:09Okay.
13:09All the winning is in the fish tank?
13:11Yeah, yeah.
13:11I've told the clock.
13:12Done.
13:13Woo!
13:13That was exciting.
13:14Yeah, for you.
13:15You're not the one that smells like a chip shop now, innit?
13:19Have I gone past it and just not seen it?
13:21I genuinely don't know.
13:22I can't imagine so.
13:23You genuinely don't know.
13:27Bullshit.
13:31He's doing laps now.
13:35I'm going back in here.
13:41Fuck off!
13:44Hey, Matthew.
13:45You found a fish tank?
13:46Yeah.
13:47Found a fish tank?
13:48Remember I said I'd either hate myself or you?
13:51Yeah.
13:53It's you.
14:01It seems that we have a very angry cohort already this year.
14:06Matthew ran around a garden.
14:07What were you thinking when you were just running around the garden?
14:11Looking for a fish tank.
14:12Yeah.
14:14And then when you did find it, you were very angry.
14:17Yes.
14:17Were you angry at the pun?
14:19Yeah.
14:20Yeah.
14:21I think that's what we all got.
14:23Yeah.
14:23I think you were very angry.
14:25Yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:25I mean, it was irritating.
14:27So irritating.
14:28Stevie, I was quite fascinated by you suddenly shouting
14:32that if you didn't find the tank soon, you were going to drink the liquid.
14:35Especially as in the early part, you'd identified it as Pierce.
14:39It was quite dehydrating, the process.
14:42And also, as well, I just completely ignored the two jar lids.
14:47It messes with your brain, doesn't it?
14:48Yeah.
14:48And this is the stuff that he loves.
14:50Yeah.
14:50He sits at home when going...
14:55I can tell you that, so far, the person who's doing the best in the task is Stevie.
15:00You did 7 minutes 42 and you didn't spill anything.
15:03Matt didn't spill anything either.
15:04It took 12 minutes 3 seconds.
15:06It looked worse than that, but because of the lack of spillage, you were fine.
15:09Jason, you were much quicker, but your millilitres, or spiller-litres, you could call them spiller-litres...
15:14LAUGHTER
15:14Let's not do that.
15:16Tipped you over to 17 minutes 29. I'm so sorry.
15:18Because I was penalised for spilling.
15:20Penalised.
15:21And Fatia, you were...
15:22LAUGHTER
15:24And Fatia, 10 minutes 12.
15:25But we're not going to find out how Rosie's done till after the break.
15:27Oh!
15:28Ooh, that builds the tension.
15:30It must be really shit.
15:32LAUGHTER
15:33Come on then, off you pop.
15:35I said it's break time!
15:36Go!
15:37LAUGHTER
15:44APPLAUSE
15:45APPLAUSE
15:47APPLAUSE
15:47Hey!
15:48Welcome back to Taskmaster.
15:50Our first task is underway, and the new contestants have been trying to pour
15:53all of their vinegar into a fish tank.
15:56A fish tank which turned out to be a tank driven by a fish.
15:59It's clever, it's funny, and it winds Greg up.
16:02Tick, tick, tick.
16:03For every millilitre spilt, one second will be added to their time.
16:07Rosie has watched all of her rivals' attempts,
16:09and now she has to watch herself back, knowing what's happened before her.
16:13So, good luck, Rosie.
16:18MUSIC
16:21Mm.
16:23Well done.
16:25Can I go in here?
16:26OK.
16:27Fish tank.
16:30LAUGHTER
16:32How's it going, Rosie?
16:33Erm, it's...
16:34No, I haven't found anything yet.
16:36This is a bath.
16:38That's a good...
16:39That's not a fish tank.
16:41I don't think...
16:42I've not seen a fish tank anywhere.
16:46No.
16:47I'm just looking for a fish tank.
16:50Anything could be a fish tank, really, couldn't it?
16:54LAUGHTER
16:58Is that a fish tank or a jar?
17:01It's a jar, isn't it?
17:04LAUGHTER
17:07Can we stop the clock, Rosie?
17:08Yeah, we'll stop the clock.
17:09OK, bye.
17:10OK, bye.
17:11OK, bye.
17:11What's the end of this?
17:12APPLAUSE
17:16I mean, should I disqualify you or not?
17:18No.
17:19What?
17:21LAUGHTER
17:22It's not a fish tank.
17:23Do you want me to tell you the definition of a fish tank?
17:24I do want you to tell me.
17:25Well, it's a tank driven by a fish...
17:28LAUGHTER
17:30..or a transparent container of water in which live fish
17:33and other water creatures and plants are kept.
17:35I thought outside the box.
17:37She did think outside the box.
17:38I did think outside the box.
17:39Shall I tell you the times and you can decide what to do?
17:41Stevie was the quickest, was 7.42.
17:44Then Fatia, 10 minutes.
17:45Matt, 12 minutes.
17:46Rosie was 15 and a half minutes.
17:48OK.
17:49Didn't spill a drop.
17:50Jason, because of his spillage, was 17 minutes 29.
17:53If it had been a normal fish tank,
17:55then I would be penalising Rosie,
17:56but because it was a stupid play on words,
17:58I'm going to allow her fish tank.
18:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:02Well done.
18:04Yes.
18:04OK.
18:05So you're saying that Jason comes last.
18:07One point.
18:08Two points to Rosie.
18:09Three to Matt.
18:10Four to Fatia.
18:10But Stevie gets the full five points.
18:12Very nice.
18:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:16Let's have our first scoreboard, please.
18:19Joint leaders with seven points are Matt and Stevie.
18:22Good luck.
18:22Good luck.
18:26What's next, my cylindrical little piglet?
18:29Oh, thanks.
18:30Don't mind that.
18:31Backwards and forwards thing cooler doing involves task.
18:35Next, this, Greg.
18:36Well...
18:36Oh, God.
18:50You look very cool.
18:51I know.
18:54You look nice.
18:55I look...
18:57Cool.
19:00Cool guy.
19:03If you could use one word to describe me, what would it be?
19:07Ridiculous.
19:07Oh.
19:09Not what that's happening for.
19:11Do something really cool.
19:13You have a maximum of ten minutes.
19:16Your time starts...
19:18Now.
19:21Is there a bed?
19:23Cool's sort of not caring.
19:25Yeah, I don't care.
19:26Or is it actually cool to be passionate?
19:30Now, super quick question.
19:32Can I get on the roof?
19:33I would say you definitely can't do that.
19:37Really?
19:38I can't go out into traffic.
19:40No.
19:41Can't get on the roof.
19:42Can't go on the road.
19:43You know what?
19:44Comedy thrives on yes and, not no but.
19:48It wasn't even no but, it was...
19:50You definitely can't.
19:50Oh, that's anti-cool.
19:53Okay.
19:54What cool things can you do?
19:56Let's think of cool things I can't do.
19:59Right.
19:59And then we try to find something that I can do.
20:02What's cool?
20:03What is cool?
20:05Lemonade?
20:07Yeah, lemonade is cool.
20:08What do you do that's cool?
20:10Sometimes spit.
20:14What?
20:15Yuck.
20:15I'm going to go and get the guitar.
20:19It's time, Horn.
20:25Yeah?
20:26Happy with that?
20:27Yeah, see you later, mate.
20:28Move.
20:28Actually, you're not sitting down.
20:30I'm so sorry.
20:31It's actually rude rather than cool.
20:33I know.
20:34Sorry, sorry, sorry.
20:35There is one more thing.
20:39Great.
20:40Do your cool thing backwards.
20:42The cool thing backwards played backwards
20:44that looks most like the forwards cool thing played forwards wins.
20:52You're 15 minutes.
20:58Well, I think I speak for all of us when I say I'm looking forward to Matthew playing a song
21:03backwards.
21:06It's time, Horn.
21:10It's time, Horn.
21:13It's time, Horn.
21:15It's time, Horn.
21:21It's time.
21:35It's time, Horn.
21:45All right.
21:46Well, there's Matt playing guitar next.
21:47Here we go.
21:48LAUGHTER
21:51I'm Matthew Bainton and this is Cool.
21:57Turn that big frown upside down, you'd be a fool if you thought that not caring was cool.
22:05tried to do came out.
22:26If you think that's good.
22:47I mean, I thought you were this generation's Morrissey before I
22:53Saw it reversed quite Eurovision in the sort of 70s Eurovision it straddles the genres
22:59It does I mean if this is the last thing you achieve in your life you've done well
23:05I think it's powerful. Thank you. Can I get a rewind? You can because it's time for Rosie Ramsey
23:11Can you give me a sick sick beat? Okay
24:04I
24:04Got kids
24:05I... I felt like we were watching CCTV from a secure unit.
24:14Really... Really bad.
24:19And now, as I always say, partway through Alex and my playful wrestling sessions,
24:24it's time for a break!
24:35Hello! Welcome back to the third part of the show,
24:38where our cool new contestants have to be cool
24:41and then do that cool thing backwards.
24:43Oh, yeah, this guy knows his shiz.
24:45Next up, and good luck guessing what's happening here, Greg,
24:48it's Fatia's attempt.
24:51So, is this in...
24:53My arms is here.
24:56Yes, yeah, well, that's it.
24:58You know what I'm saying?
24:59Yeah, I'm sicky.
25:00Now, yeah.
25:02Ragley.
25:10I'm in over half.
25:29What the fuck's going on?
25:32Do you want to see it going forward?
25:34Well, I need to, cos at the moment I just feel angry.
25:39OK, well, this is a cool thing she did forwards,
25:41then let's see if you understand it after that.
25:43If we get some sweets, and then you eat one,
25:47and I can tell which one it is, by the way, you're chewing.
25:50For real, man, for real, I'm not even playing with you.
25:53Well, that's quite cool.
25:54I'm so good at that game.
25:56Yeah, let go.
26:02It's in.
26:05Right, start chewing it.
26:11Is it this?
26:15Is it this?
26:19Is it this?
26:21It's not going to plan.
26:30I only had seven goes, and I got it on the eighth.
26:34Wow, pleased?
26:34Yeah.
26:35If we were holding hands, I would have got it on the first one.
26:37Yeah.
26:39APPLAUSE
26:44OK, Fatsy, what's going on here?
26:47Because that's not a known game.
26:49It is.
26:50Me and my friend play it all the time, and I always win.
26:52Oh, play?
26:53Yeah.
26:53At what present tense?
26:55Yes.
26:55Only with him, because you have to have a connection.
26:58Do you know why it didn't work?
26:59Because Muppet features over there had glasses on.
27:01Oh, wow.
27:02It was Alex's one.
27:03It was.
27:04Why didn't you tell me to take the glasses off?
27:07Because I thought...
27:08SHUT UP!
27:16Who buys the sweets?
27:17Any of us.
27:18If he doesn't bring them, do you call the police on him?
27:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
27:27OK.
27:28One left to see, Greg.
27:29Yeah.
27:29It's Jason Manzuka.
27:41Locked door!
27:45Locked door.
27:46Lock pick set.
27:51Locked door.
27:58It's about 30 seconds.
28:03Whoa!
28:04I'll be Ray evidence.
28:08LAUGHTER
28:19SH booing
28:26Cool!
28:28Luke!
28:37Huh?
28:38Pretty cool, right?
28:39It was pretty cool.
28:40Yeah.
28:41I mean, what am I, Magnum P.I.?
28:43Where's that come from?
28:44My bag.
28:52Undeniably impressive.
28:53I've been sidetracked, though, by when you were asked
28:56where you got the lockpicking set.
28:58Yes.
28:58You replied, from my bag.
29:00Correct.
29:01OK.
29:02Who are you?
29:04Well, you might have also heard me say, who am I, Magnum P.I.?
29:07Because that is where I learned those skills.
29:10Then I became obsessed with picking locks, so I bought a lockpick set.
29:13OK.
29:13And you can also buy practice locks that you can practice.
29:16Don't use this tone, I'm the fool, here.
29:20Listen up, dummy.
29:22Yes, and if you're wondering, the lockpick set is in my dressing room right now.
29:26Who do you let on this show, bruv?
29:29Says fucking guess the sweets.
29:35Well, who's only going to get one point, then?
29:37Well, Fattier.
29:38Correct.
29:39One?
29:41One.
29:42I feel like I've dissed Rosie really badly, but it's probably the least accurate.
29:46Two points for Rosie.
29:47Oh, God, everybody else is pretty good.
29:49God.
29:49Maybe Jason gets three.
29:51I'm going to make a rogue decision and say that because I think that he moved the hearts
29:55of the nation with his beautiful son, I'm going to give Matthew the five points.
29:59I don't know.
30:00Four to three to five points.
30:02Incredible.
30:03Caring his tools.
30:06I'd like another task, please.
30:08Little Alex Hayden.
30:08OK, yes, and roll up, roll up.
30:11No, I don't mean reefers, Greg.
30:13I mean it's time for the greatest sporting event of all time.
30:38What have you been?
30:39Just been for a little hike around the forest, clearly.
30:43Should we do it?
30:45By we, I mean me, and you just stand around.
30:52Win the Peely-lympics.
30:55Win the Peely-lympics.
30:58Peely-lympics.
30:59Well, P-E-A-L-Y, Peely.
31:04M-P-I-C-S, Peely-Impics.
31:06Peely-Impics.
31:07Peely-Impics.
31:08There are five events.
31:09Top two performers in each event get a medal.
31:13Most medals wins.
31:16Mm-hmm.
31:17So it doesn't matter if you come first or second, as long as you come first or second.
31:20All right.
31:20Yeah?
31:21Yeah.
31:21Ready for the Peely-lympics?
31:23Do I have a choice?
31:25No.
31:26Yeah, exactly.
31:28APPLAUSE
31:32OK.
31:33Straight in.
31:34Straight in.
31:34Well, first up, it is Fatia and Mattia.
31:39Five events.
31:40This is event number one.
31:42Work out which pillow the pea is under.
31:46In the fewest guesses, you have three minutes.
31:49Well, it could be any of them, couldn't it?
31:51Could be.
31:52I think it's that yellow one.
31:53Right.
31:54Chop, chop.
31:55Not under there.
31:55The green one next to it, please.
31:57Right.
31:57No.
31:58Order of Colours changes around here.
32:01Oh, that's interesting.
32:02Is that arbitrary?
32:04Either is or isn't.
32:07How many are there?
32:0926.
32:09Nice number.
32:10Whatever.
32:11I don't feel like it makes a difference.
32:1320 seconds to find the pea.
32:17That green one over there?
32:19Uh, no.
32:20Two seconds.
32:24Nice sign of the pea.
32:25Well, that was a waste of time.
32:26Yep, I agree.
32:27Ready for the second event?
32:28Wow.
32:29I don't mind going back to your spot.
32:31If you don't mind, I'd like to just dwell on the regret.
32:34Yep.
32:34No, that's fine.
32:36Balance your pea on the highest tower of carrots.
32:39You have three minutes.
32:40I don't have the pea.
32:41I'm going to get you the pea.
32:42Here we go.
32:43Oh, you're out of order.
32:45I'm taking my mind here.
32:46I think it counts, doesn't it?
32:5012 seconds left.
32:56Not long now.
32:57Two seconds, really.
32:59Fuck off!
33:00No!
33:02No!
33:03Event number two is over.
33:06It's a lovely tower.
33:08No pea.
33:10Right, event number three.
33:11Okay.
33:12Catch a pea fired from the pea catapult.
33:15If you catch a pea in one hand, your time is divided by two.
33:20If you catch a pea in your mouth, your time is divided by five.
33:24Good luck, Matthew.
33:26Here they come.
33:28Literally can't see it.
33:30Couldn't see it?
33:32Quick.
33:32I can't even see it.
33:35I can't see it.
33:39Can you do more than one?
33:41Yeah.
33:44Do it again.
34:00Why couldn't you get, like, the big bees?
34:03The haricot, or whatever they're called.
34:04Why you get these?
34:05Who's catching these?
34:07I'm not a bird.
34:08Oh, if it gets in my hijab, does that count?
34:11Yeah, that counts.
34:11I've got loads.
34:13Oh, congratulations.
34:14Okay, this is the last one.
34:16Please.
34:21Is there a pea in your hand?
34:26That's the end of event number three.
34:30Throw a pea the furthest.
34:32Towards the river, please.
34:34So, into the wind?
34:35Yep.
34:38Throw a pea that way.
34:39That right, yeah, it must be in that direction, yeah.
34:41I know you're deranged, right?
34:43So I know I'm going to throw this, and then you're going to make me go and get it.
34:49That's not going well.
34:51A few practices.
34:54Are you going to actually throw the...
34:56Yeah, I'm going to throw the real one now.
34:57Ten seconds.
35:02What's there?
35:07Find your thrown pea the fastest.
35:10You have a maximum of three minutes.
35:12Time starts when you open the top.
35:14Be careful.
35:15Why did I do practices?
35:18There's my pea.
35:18Can you see it?
35:19That was my one.
35:20You found your pea?
35:21Yeah, I did.
35:22Is that it?
35:23Yeah, that's it.
35:24You've got two minutes ten.
35:28You're going to be finding peas, not carrots.
35:35I've got the top.
35:36Yes!
35:43Matthew, we've not even won full episodes into this series, and I think you might be close
35:48to the edge.
35:50That is not even close to my lowest edge.
35:52I remember that fondly, if anything.
35:56Fabulous.
35:58Fatia, I'm sure you find this show an inconvenience.
36:01How dare you?
36:03I call fucking five Ps, brother, you mad.
36:07Yes, well...
36:10So, that's the end of part three.
36:12Who will win the episode and then have to drag home a TV trolley?
36:16Not me.
36:16And that's all that matters.
36:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:26Welcome back to the final part of this first outing with our new competitors.
36:32Before the break, they've been taking part in our very own pea-based Olympics.
36:35Oh, yes.
36:36The old Peely-impics.
36:39Five events and just three legume legends to go.
36:42So, last up to the mark, it's Rosie, Stevie and Jason.
36:47Work out which pillow the pea is under.
36:49You may not tamper with a pillow before guessing.
36:52So, it's just guess.
36:53Maybe.
36:54I'm going to guess this one.
36:55No.
36:56No.
36:57No.
36:58No.
36:59Do you know where the pea is?
37:00No.
37:01No.
37:01No.
37:02The peas don't talk.
37:03I don't think peas can talk.
37:04I've lost my mind.
37:05No, they're vegetables.
37:06I'm just going to guess this guy and this guy.
37:09I'm going to guess this guy.
37:10Well, there's no way it has to be guessed.
37:12Oh, really?
37:13So, I'm just going to do them all.
37:16Oh, there, look.
37:17This guy, this guy.
37:18There it is.
37:19I like your system.
37:20Yeah, I just chose different guys to flip over.
37:24Mm.
37:28That one.
37:30Ah!
37:31There's two peas under there.
37:33Weirdly, you put a pea under the right pillow.
37:36Oh, no.
37:37It was clever, but unnecessary.
37:38Yeah, and I was a tamper to do this, so I've lost.
37:40Okay, cool.
37:42Jesus Christ.
37:43What?
37:45Balance your pea on the highest tower of carrots.
37:48I'm not good at building stuff, you know.
37:50Right.
37:50I wouldn't have said that a carrot was a rolly veg, but yeah, all right.
37:56Yeah.
38:00Have you washed these carrots?
38:02We will.
38:11I'm so proud of myself.
38:1412 seconds.
38:18That's as good as I'm going to get, I think.
38:2110 seconds.
38:22Where's the pea?
38:25This is the pea.
38:27This is the pea.
38:28This is the pea.
38:28Two seconds.
38:29No!
38:34I mean, this is irrelevant.
38:38That's a lovely tower.
38:40Will you do any better in event number three?
38:43Catch a pea fired from the pea catapult.
38:46If you catch a pea in your mouth, your time is divided by five.
38:49Good luck.
38:50Okay, go.
38:51Ah!
38:52What?
38:53How?
38:54Can you do one test, please?
38:57Oh.
39:06Oh, okay.
39:08What about if you fire it right into my face?
39:1255 seconds.
39:14Can you catch one?
39:15No!
39:18Yes!
39:19You got a pea?
39:20Here we go.
39:23Let's see.
39:24Congratulations.
39:29Throw a pea the furthest.
39:32Now, I'll be honest.
39:33I'm going to chuck this in there.
39:34Nobody's ever going to find it.
39:37LAUGHTER
39:40Pee is inside.
39:44The pea has been thrown.
39:47LAUGHTER
39:49LAUGHTER
39:52I think they got down to here.
39:54Did it?
39:58Have you found the pea yet?
40:00No!
40:01Oh!
40:04Got it.
40:05I've stopped the clock.
40:06I will need to check the peas in it.
40:09Any sign of the pea?
40:1320 seconds.
40:14We're hurrying up.
40:15Kate, I'll try another bit.
40:18You found the pea?
40:19I found the pea.
40:21Come on.
40:23If I'd have got that carrot tower...
40:26It all rested on that carrot tower.
40:31Ah!
40:32LAUGHTER
40:35LAUGHTER
40:36LAUGHTER
40:36APPLAUSE
40:37I've stopped the clock.
40:41APPLAUSE
40:42Oh, my God!
40:44Well, that's the most joyous moment so far.
40:48Unbelievably, she found a pea in a field
40:51quicker than these two found carrots in a field.
40:54LAUGHTER
40:55Well, you found loads of other carrots before your one.
40:57You took over two minutes.
40:58She found hers in a minute and a half.
41:00Now, on to the tragic story of this particular Pea-lympics.
41:05LAUGHTER
41:05But there was a victory within your attempt, wasn't there?
41:07I mean, no-one's made a better carrot tower than that ever.
41:11I then lost because the pea rolled off.
41:13Yes.
41:13No, I know, I mean, it's all for nothing.
41:15It's all right, yeah.
41:17Well, the medal ceremony will happen on the screen behind me
41:19and I can tell you that, Stevie, as you can see,
41:21you did get one medal for your catch in your mouth.
41:23Matt, you also got one medal, so you come joint fourth.
41:25You get two points.
41:26Fatia, you got two golds in your tower and your find.
41:30You are third.
41:30Two people in first place.
41:31Jason, with your two golds and your silver.
41:34Rosie, you got one gold and two silvers, so you both get five points.
41:37APPLAUSE
41:40Can we have to look at the scores?
41:42Yes.
41:43Fatia, you are in last place with nine points.
41:47Jason and Matt in the lead on 14.
41:50Ooh.
41:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:53Please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!
41:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:04Hello there, sweet cheeks.
42:06Hi, Greg.
42:07Who will be meeting the tasks?
42:08I would like Rosie Ramsey to read it, please.
42:11Rosie.
42:11Pleasure.
42:13Get the most raisins in your wine glass.
42:16You may only touch raisins with your mouth.
42:20You must not bend at the waist and your hands must be behind your back
42:25at all times.
42:26Also, every time you drop a raisin into your wine glass,
42:30you must shout the name of one of your competitors.
42:32That competitor must immediately shout their name, too.
42:36If they don't, Alex will empty their wine glass.
42:40Oof.
42:41You have 100 seconds.
42:43Wow.
42:44So, Greg is going to be watching the waist work.
42:46Greg, if you think someone's bending, I'll come over.
42:49Oh, my God, I'll be on them like a puma.
42:50Yes.
42:52LAUGHTER
42:52But also, I will empty their wine glass.
42:54OK, good luck, everyone.
42:55Your time starts on the whistle.
42:58WHISTLE
42:58Don't bend that waist.
43:06WHISTLE
43:06You must shout someone's name if you...
43:08JASON!
43:10JASON!
43:20Rosie, shout!
43:21Dini!
43:22Rosie!
43:23No!
43:24No!
43:25No!
43:26No!
43:27You must shout your own name.
43:28Oh, fuck!
43:29Rosie!
43:29Rosie!
43:30Rosie!
43:31Rosie!
43:36Rosie!
43:36Rosie!
43:38Rosie!
43:39Rosie!
43:39Rosie!
43:40You must shout your own name.
43:41She did shout your own name.
43:45Vatiyah!
43:46Vatiyah!
43:47Vatiyah!
43:47Vatiyah!
43:48Vatiyah!
43:49Well, I would empty it, but there's nothing else.
43:51Rosie!
43:59Vatiyah!
44:08Vatiyah!
44:09Vatiyah!
44:10Vatiyah!
44:11Vatiyah!
44:14Vatiyah!
44:14Vatiyah!
44:15Vatiyah!
44:16Vatiyah!
44:16Vatiyah!
44:17Vatiyah!
44:17Vatiyah!
44:17Vatiyah!
44:17Vatiyah!
44:18Vatiyah!
44:19Vatiyah!
44:20Vatiyah!
44:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:28Listen, we'll work the scores out, we'll add them to your final scores.
44:32Please come down and join me!
44:41Well, well, well, that was insane.
44:46I guess we start with Fatia.
44:47You didn't get any raisins in your glass in the end.
44:49And there's a very good reason for that, isn't there, Fatia?
44:51My shoes in you, I'm not getting on the floor, right?
44:56She gets one point, really,
44:58which is more than the amount of raisins she got in the glass.
45:01So it's one to Fatia.
45:02Jason ended up with just three raisins in his glass.
45:04Two points to Jason.
45:06Incredibly, Stevie and Rosie both got 70 raisins in their glass.
45:10Oh, my God!
45:10So they share second place and four points each,
45:13but Matthew, with 315 raisins, gets five points!
45:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:20So, I think we have to say scores.
45:22In first place, it's Matt with 19 points!
45:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:27Matthew wins!
45:29Please sail up to the stage and snap up your school day star!
45:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:02Thank you!
46:02That's nice and deep again!
46:05Thank you!
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