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Taskmaster - S16E09 - Fagin at the Disco [Full Movie] [High Quality]Full EP - Full
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00:33Hello. Welcome to the show.
00:37I'm Greg Davies.
00:39If Taskmaster is the new Coliseum, then our contestants are lying fodder.
00:43If Taskmaster is the Olympics, then these five need to beef up on roids, big time.
00:47If Taskmaster is the new religion, then I'm the mother flipping Pope.
00:51And I don't smoke dope and I've never owned a soap on a rope. Wow writing introductions is increasingly tough
00:57So let's crack on and meet our colossal contenders. They are Julian Clary
01:16And next to me the answer to the question which well-known presenter does little plops in the toilet like
01:21the ones you'd expect to see from a sheep
01:24It's
01:34Sagan what are you preoccupied with? Oh, was I sorry? Yeah? No, not very professional. Just a new whatsapp group.
01:41Yeah
01:42I love whatsapp. Do you just the groups anyway? Yes
01:53Yep, let me see my actual friends
02:00The little ones
02:03Yeah, yeah
02:05Lil Nas is in it is he? Yeah
02:08What's he say? Hey guys, you're free Wednesday got some little plans
02:14So funny you say now man not Wednesday swimming lesson
02:19You know this
02:21You should do
02:22And Lil Nas says, Lil Wayne, you're around next Wednesday
02:27Like I say, I've got some little plans
02:29Lil Wayne says, also not free Wednesday. I've got my climbing lesson. Always Wednesday
02:34I thought you knew that Lil Nas
02:35And there are lots of exclamation marks
02:37And then in comes Richard Littlejohn
02:41He says, hi guys, love the banter as always
02:44Yeah
02:47And now free on Wednesday is my javelin practice
02:52My javelin practice has been moved to Sunday mornings
02:568am WTF
02:59Yeah
03:00Yeah
03:01I've messaged him back for you
03:03What did you say?
03:06Oh
03:08I don't think they've ever heard me using that word before
03:14Oh
03:14Right, on with the price tag
03:16Yes
03:16And you'll like this one Greg
03:18Because they've been asked to bring in
03:19The bit of old crap that Greg likes the best
03:22Wow, you are getting lazy
03:25We all know Greg likes old crap
03:27But what old crap does Greg like best?
03:30Best old crap equals five points
03:31And the winner today will take home five bits of old crap
03:34Crappy days
03:36OK, Julia
03:37What bit of crap have you bought in?
03:39Oh, you're going to love this
03:40It's a ceramic soldier from a junk shop
03:42There we go
03:44So, gentlemen at arms
03:45I bought it to annoy my husband because I thought he'd hate it
03:48But actually, we've grown to love him
03:50We call him Bernard
03:52And he's everything you'd want in a soldier
03:54He's well presented
03:56He's very, very smart
03:57And probably available for no strings fun round the back of the barracks
04:04You get that vibe
04:05He's got that look in his eye, hasn't he?
04:07Why does it have to be no strings?
04:09That's how we like it
04:13I wonder where that tradition came from of soldiers having big feathers on their head
04:18Any idea?
04:19Yeah, yeah, I know
04:20OK
04:22Lucy
04:23Can you beat a ceramic soldier?
04:26This is mousetropping
04:27Oh
04:28Basically, where my mum lived when she was growing up
04:32She lived next door to an older couple and they couldn't have children
04:36So the husband, he bought a monkey off a sailor
04:41But the monkey bit her nose off
04:44And so I was never allowed pets
04:48But my mum did eventually get me a hamster
04:52And one night
04:53It ran across the settee
04:56And so because it scared her, she whacked it and killed it
05:00But because of that, my mum's now got mice in her pantry
05:04And instead of getting rid of them, she's keeping them like pets
05:07And that's the job you know
05:12So the feathers are just a symbol of their collective identity
05:14I just feel like I've done what you've asked me to do
05:20You haven't done that
05:21You've just given me an awful insight into your upbringing
05:24And then you've brought me a plate full of shit
05:26That's what I've done
05:29What have you brought?
05:30It's my national insurance number
05:33I had to get a national insurance number
05:35Yeah, we all love to
05:36They rang me up
05:37They said, how do you want it?
05:38You get sent in a letter
05:40Or just email
05:41Or you can get it on a cassette
05:43A cassette?
05:44Yeah
05:45It's to blind people so they can hear the number instead
05:48Oh
05:49Yeah, no surprise
05:50Wow
05:50And this is what his national insurance number is
05:54From the Department for Work and Pensions
05:56Your reference
05:58One
05:59Six
06:00Six
06:02Pretty good
06:05I sort of do want it
06:07Because you have trouble sleeping
06:08I do have trouble sleeping, yeah
06:10Chuck that on
06:11Chuck that on
06:13Hi Sue
06:14Hi you
06:15Can you beat a plate full of shit?
06:17A safe security number?
06:19A soldier?
06:20I brought this in
06:21Atomic energy badge
06:22For Boy Scouts
06:23In 1960s America
06:26To get this badge
06:27As a Boy Scout
06:28You had to build an electroscope
06:30Build a Geiger counter
06:32Go to a place underground with radiation
06:35And record the measurements
06:38That's genuinely fascinating
06:39And I've got to say
06:40I think it might have the edge over a plate full of shit
06:45Hello Susan
06:46The thing that I've brought in is my childhood pet
06:51So here is Susan's bit of old crap
06:52Yeah
06:54I really wanted a dog
06:56But my mum
06:56She's Nigerian
06:57So she doesn't really understand the concept of bringing a wild hostile animal like a puppy into your home
07:03Just doesn't translate
07:04Okay
07:04So one day I was with my childhood friend Aurora
07:08She's very arts and crafty
07:10She calls her parents by their first name
07:12Really weird
07:13Really weird
07:13Put yourself together Aurora
07:16And so we decided to walk along the Woolworth Road
07:20And each find a leaf
07:23Which we then covered in sticky-back plastic
07:25And I decided to name my childhood pet Le Fleur
07:29And that is a true story and I feel a bit sick
07:33I'm not surprised
07:34It's genuinely heartbreaking
07:36That someone would have a pet that is a laminated leaf
07:40Not easy for you this break
07:42I mean it's not that hard
07:45It'll come as little surprise
07:47That the thing I want to take home least
07:49Is a big pile of mashit
07:51One point to lose it
07:52One point
07:52What do you think I want to take home least the next?
07:54I think it's the national insurance number of an Australian comedian
07:58It isn't
08:00It's a laminated leaf
08:02Two points to Susan then is it?
08:04Yep
08:04Okay
08:05I sort of want that soldier
08:06Wait, wait, is this getting three points?
08:08Yeah
08:08I can't explain why I want Sam's tape
08:11I almost want it the most
08:14But not quite, I want the atomic badge the most
08:16So I'm going to give four points to Sam's weird tape
08:19And five points to the atomic badge
08:21There we go, well done, Sue Perkins
08:22Winterthur
08:25Okay, let's get going
08:27Stop
08:29Go
08:47And stop!
08:49This is already majestic
08:53Standard sweeper
08:55I haven't got a driver's licence
08:56Do you have a driver's licence?
08:58I do, it took a while to get
08:59I can't drive, I'm a Londoner
09:02We don't drive
09:03You just go out on the bus or the DLR and go boop boop at the front
09:06Can you drive Sam?
09:08Drive people crazy
09:10Do you have a licence?
09:11I know I only have a licence, Alex
09:13I am a member of the Advanced Motorists Association
09:16So stick that in your pipe
09:19Drive
09:20That's good, the first word
09:21Drive across the finish line
09:24You must obey all the rules of the road
09:26You must only stop your vehicle at a traffic signal
09:33If you disobey a rule, Alex will blow his whistle and you must return to the start
09:40Back here
09:40Back here
09:41For a ten second driving lesson
09:43Fastest wins
09:44Your time starts when the traffic signals first change
09:49So I'm going to teach you about this vehicle
09:51Right
09:52This is the horn
09:54Alex
09:55Sorry
09:57Not yet
09:58Not yet
09:58Not yet
09:58Quite finished or started
10:02It goes up to ten miles an hour
10:04Oh, I'm going to push this bitch
10:05I'm going to push it
10:07I'm not entirely clear about these signals
10:09No
10:09I'm assuming red means stop
10:12No
10:12It doesn't
10:13You start when the traffic signals change
10:16OK
10:27There were things that surprised me about the intro
10:29I'm going to push this bitch
10:32That's the reason it took 14 years to get the licence
10:37Julian, you're an advanced driver
10:38Well, my father was a traffic policeman
10:42So he knew about this organisation
10:44They teach you how to drive extra safely
10:47And you get a sticker to put in your car
10:49But can you also do donuts in a car park and stuff?
10:53I have been known
10:58Things that didn't surprise me
10:59Sam and Lucy can't drive
11:01And Radha sits on the front of trains and pretends she's the driver
11:06I'm happy to see their attempts
11:08So neither of these two have a licence
11:10And neither of them should ever have a licence
11:12It's Lucy and it is also Sam
11:14Here we go
11:15You can start when the traffic signals change
11:17Right
11:28What's up?
11:31Please come back for a driving lesson
11:38Hello Sam
11:39How are you?
11:40Welcome to your first driving lesson
11:47Hello Lucy
11:48You clearly didn't obey the amber signal there
11:51I don't know what it means
11:52Well amber means to activate your brushes
11:53What does red mean?
11:55You've got two seconds left
11:56Red means go
11:56Off you go
12:11You did very well with the brushes that time
12:12But then you hit the purple one
12:13And of course that purple you must get out of your vehicle
12:16Walk round it and get back in it and carry on
12:18Yeah
12:19Right
12:19What's green mean?
12:20Green, wait for three seconds
12:22Off you go
12:22Red is go
12:23Go go go
12:32Blue means you have to come back to the previous signal and then carry on
12:35Oh yeah
12:35What's yellow?
12:37Yellow means you've got to beep your horn and carry on
12:38We're getting there?
12:39Yeah
12:40Oh bye bye
12:42What the hell?
12:43You failed to activate your brushes
12:48Orange means go
12:49Orange means go
12:52Ahhhh
12:52Should I come back on foot?
12:54If you want
12:54Hello Lucy
12:56Turn them on purple is spin
12:58Obviously I would be able to do it if I had that with me
13:01You want my piece of paper?
13:02Yeah
13:06Lovely
13:10Very good
13:25I've stopped the clock
13:31What?
13:32You're not allowed to stop unless you're next to a traffic signal
13:35Can you come back for a driving lesson please?
13:37What the hell? That was good
13:40What happens if this goes forever?
13:42Don't you have other things to film?
13:57Thank you sir
13:59You should be ashamed
14:02You should be ashamed
14:03You should be ashamed
14:12You should be ashamed
14:13This little whistle
14:14What a knob
14:15Now
14:16Lucy
14:17And I say this only in driving terms
14:19I think there's something wrong with you
14:22That's what the instructor said
14:25Sam
14:26You seem very annoyed when you were called back at one point
14:29Yes, I think I know that you mean it's this bit
14:37He kept whistling and the authority figure his hat was pissing me off man
14:42And he was smirking and he was nasty. He's a spiteful little shit
14:46He took 26 minutes and 22 seconds good
14:54No
14:57Lucy 24 minutes and 30 seconds. They're pretty similar times, but Lucy's in the lead at the moment. Well, don't
15:02they see
15:06It's a real opportunity to practice mindfulness close your eyes and breathe then make a list of all the things
15:12you haven't done
15:13Jesus you behind get up panic. No one thinks you're up to the job
15:24I
15:34Rules of the road yes, Greg
15:36It's our way or the highway code
15:39We've seen Sam and Lucy now for Sue Perkins and our resident advanced motorist. Mr. Julian Clary off we go
15:50Sorry Julian would you mind coming back for a driving lesson?
15:56Hello Julian hello, did I do something wrong so you fail to obey the amber signal which is of course
16:02activate brushes and red means go blue blue means
16:06Return to the previous signal and obey that signal as well, okay?
16:12I'm returning yeah, yeah, I knew it
16:15Do you have a pen father taught me to drive really I passed on my 17th birthday. Oh, happy birthday
16:21birthday. I am
16:24Well enough about you. Yeah, okay
16:27Let's go
16:31Oh, dear I can't read my own hands
16:36Oh
16:36Oh
16:37Oh
16:50Really nice really nice
17:02Don't want it to end
17:10I
17:11Stop the clock
17:16What was yellow 10 second driving lesson, please
17:38I'm not sure in the history of this show we've ever had such a chillingly calm meltdown
17:45Smelt freedom
17:47Like a light bulb filament burnt out and then nah
17:52Not for me
17:55All that blowing I don't know how long I was there for but it was a long time. Well, it
18:00wasn't that long
18:0113 minutes
18:04I've got a shorter fuse than you thought to me. He was the only one there to talk to
18:11So Julie gets no points, but you know what a glorious crash burn it's all worth it
18:16So I've just realized that whatever we've asked you to do for this whole series. You look like it's your
18:22job
18:24I'm told to do something I go absolutely and then I'm just it you really did push that bitch
18:29No
18:32Exhausted bitch, but it's
18:36Bitch for a total of 11 minutes and 43 seconds
18:44It's Susan on the sweep
18:54Please come back for driving this oh my god, all right
19:07Wait wait wait wait wait I've got it everyone calm down good
19:15I'm sorry they killed you I'm so sorry
19:31Welcome to your first driving lesson unfortunately you didn't obey the amber signal amber of course means you have to
19:37activate your brushes
19:38bye
19:47Please come back for a drive
19:48No, wait, well, I need to tell you what blue does
19:52Lovely me to wait blue means come back to the previous set of signals off you go
19:55What does yellow mean now you have to come back for a driving lesson careful?
20:05Yellow has beat the horn and carry on right bye
20:11And do I keep them off
20:21I've already got it on so I just carry it I'm going
20:24I'm bloody going
20:25You can't stop me
20:27You can't stop me
20:33You can't stop me
20:42You're a worse driver than Lucy Beaumont
20:46Why don't I have a driver's license and no way
20:49No, no, no
20:50I had so much fun
20:52Oh good
20:53Yeah
20:54Especially when I nearly killed one
20:56Didn't I hit that thing twice
20:57Twice
20:58The thing with the man behind
20:59Yeah, yeah, yeah
21:00She didn't fulfill the task
21:02She learned really quickly
21:04So at first you were turning left but not understanding why it went left
21:08You managed to time it better than anyone else with the flag
21:11So you did it in 13 minutes 50 seconds
21:13Wow
21:13Oh god, that's
21:14Oh, what?
21:16What?
21:17It was amazing
21:19But it means
21:20Sam gets two points
21:21Three for Lucy
21:22Four for Susan
21:22But Sue Perkins gets five points
21:23There we are
21:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:27And a scoreboard please
21:28Maximum points at the moment goes to Sue Perkins in the lead with ten
21:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:35May we have another task please, Alex?
21:37Yes
21:37And it's another one that really is just for you, Greg
21:40GASP
21:58Hello
21:58Oh, hi, Susan
21:59Oh, hi
22:02Oh, there's something in your pigeon hole
22:08That's proper 50
22:14Coin fever, hey?
22:16Make Greg the best gift
22:18You have five minutes to order your items
22:22Then 15 minutes to make your gift
22:25Your items must cost no more than 50 pounds
22:28I will need that money
22:30So I've got to pick these up like an animal
22:33OK, your time starts now
22:35Right
22:36OK
22:40Have you thought of anything you want me to buy yet?
22:43Yeah
22:43OK
22:44Shall I tell you?
22:45Yes, please
22:45OK
22:50Can you get me a box?
22:52Can you get me a box?
22:52Corrugated cardboard
22:53Something furry
22:54Fluffy
22:55A blanket
22:59What colour?
23:01I'd like it
23:02And if there's any Mr Sheen spray and a duster, if you can afford that as well
23:08I'd like a hairdryer
23:09Nothing with nuts
23:10The craziest straws that you can see
23:12So that's up to about £8 now, do you think?
23:15You've got 30 seconds and probably about £2 left to spend
23:17Let's put some little sweets in
23:19Maybe he's a crisps
23:20I think he might be a crisps man
23:22For her, I wish you
23:24We're going to spoil him
23:26Cheap crisps
23:26Cheap crisps
23:27Because then we can have a few
23:28Yeah, like that
23:31OK
23:31Are you OK?
23:33Yeah, I'm going to the shop
23:34Whatever's left over, just buy yourself something
23:36Right
23:38All right
23:39You've got 15 minutes to create your gift for Greg Davis
23:42Fabulous
23:46Um, is it appropriate to call him Sarah?
23:48Definitely
23:50It sort of looks like you know what you're doing
23:52I don't
23:53Wear this one
23:54Yeah
23:55And then I'd like you to come out naked
23:56Look at that
23:57That's new
23:58Yeah
23:59I'm sorry I started this
24:01Yes
24:01And you finished it?
24:03Yeah
24:03Yeah
24:04Now
24:04This is really good by the way
24:06You want me to pass it on?
24:08Yeah
24:08I've got a real feeling this is going to be quite, quite wonderful
24:13We sort of set Sam up there a little bit by giving him coins where everyone else had a note
24:18But I think we set him up because we always know he's going to say something amazing
24:21And I just loved coin fever, eh?
24:26Why did you have an orange tie on?
24:29I was under instructions to spend whatever money was left over
24:32On something for myself
24:34I'm very excited by all of these
24:36I'm well done for the sir thing
24:38It puts me in mind of my teaching days
24:40I thought it might
24:41Advert time
24:42A wise man once said
24:44Never a borrower nor a lender be
24:46And did that guy have an air fryer or a soda stream?
24:49No
24:49What a loser
24:50Apply for a new credit card immediately
24:52The neighbours are talking about you
25:05Hello
25:07Welcome back to Taskmaster
25:11Well, I've been a very patient boy, haven't I, Alex?
25:14Such a patient boy, Greg, but the waiting is about to pay off.
25:17Are you ready? Yes.
25:19Let's go and get your presents. Come on.
25:22APPLAUSE
25:26Happy birthday, Greg. Present time. Yes.
25:29Let's start this end.
25:30This one is from Mr Julian Clary.
25:33You remember the box he made? Yes.
25:34Enjoy.
25:36Ah, that is a lovely box with pink spots on it.
25:39You're so with love for Julian.
25:41This could change your life.
25:43Oh.
25:44Oh, God.
25:49Oh, God.
25:51That is...
25:52There's more.
25:53Oh.
25:55What's that, polish?
25:57Oh.
25:59Julian's written, have fun, in the bottle.
26:02This is what, the shorts?
26:05Oh, God.
26:07I mean, you know, it's getting to the time where I should consider retiring,
26:11so why don't I go out with a bang and put this on?
26:14LAUGHTER
26:15Thank you for my...
26:17..gimp costume?
26:18OK, second present.
26:20This is from Susan Wakoma.
26:23Oh.
26:24Oh, I like that. Homemade.
26:25Oh, that is nice.
26:27I think you should put it on.
26:29Pop that on.
26:30Get that on, yeah?
26:31A more cynical man would say this was just some crudely cut pieces of material...
26:36..that have been glued onto a fur coat.
26:38No, no, you've been mistaken.
26:40Do you want to go out to the fur?
26:41Look at that. Look at that.
26:42Give it a spin!
26:46APPLAUSE
26:47LAUGHTER
26:49Pop these on.
26:51Yeah!
26:53They're nice.
26:54Yeah.
26:55They're nice presents so far, aren't they?
26:57Honestly, they do feel quite nice.
27:01Lucy Beaumont's...
27:02..den.
27:04Oh.
27:06That's quite clever, though, because I do like a den.
27:08Well, you can hide in there waiting for your victims.
27:12LAUGHTER
27:13There's a trailer crisps, you know, where someone might go,
27:16ooh, crisps, and then they'll come in the den,
27:17and then you can get them.
27:20LAUGHTER
27:20Can you fit in there, OK?
27:22Oh.
27:23LAUGHTER
27:26LAUGHTER
27:28Let's see, shall we?
27:30LAUGHTER
27:31Oh, you're going in backwards?
27:33Yes.
27:34Do you like the present, Greg?
27:37No.
27:39LAUGHTER
27:41A bit more delicate, this one.
27:42This is, er, from Sam Campbell.
27:45All for you.
27:47Oh.
27:48What is, at the bottom of the bucket, there's snow.
27:51I mean, I have to say, this is Sam's actual credit card.
27:55LAUGHTER
27:55So, that's incredible.
27:57Yeah, it's a gentleman's basket.
28:00What was I thinking?
28:02Well, I thought we saw you were so stylish.
28:04I didn't know you were going to start dressing like Fagin
28:05at a disco.
28:08LAUGHTER
28:10APPLAUSE
28:10Last one.
28:11And now you can enjoy a lovely bit of art.
28:14Oh!
28:16Is that you?
28:17That's you.
28:17Yeah, we did that in the garden.
28:19There's a version on the back with the artist in the frame.
28:22LAUGHTER
28:23I just wanted you to see Alex in a more aesthetic, romantic,
28:28perhaps even sexual way.
28:30Yeah, it's absolutely beautiful.
28:32Which is your least favourite gift, Greg?
28:34I don't want to give any of them one point.
28:36Right.
28:37I'm going to give, er, two points to Sam's gentleman's basket
28:40because I think, well, it's insane.
28:43Lovely stuff.
28:44And I think I'm going to give, erm, three points to Susan's coat.
28:49Yeah.
28:49Do you know why?
28:50I can imagine.
28:51It's rubbish.
28:53LAUGHTER
28:54I'm going to give four points to Lucy's crisp den,
28:58and I'm going to give four points also to Julian's rubber outfit
29:02because it's just something I've never considered before.
29:05LAUGHTER
29:05And I'm going to give five points to this beautiful painting
29:08of my favourite man in the world.
29:09Aww.
29:10Aww.
29:10Well, there we go.
29:11Sue Perkins wins the task!
29:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:14Let's go right down.
29:15BOOM!
29:18Shall we try it for another?
29:19Mmm, yes, please.
29:20OK, Greg, here is some more clowning about.
29:38MUSIC PLAYS
29:44Hello!
29:45Hello there.
29:46Aww.
29:47That's a creepy clown.
29:49Don't go any closer to the clown.
29:50I don't want to, it's a clown.
29:51Good.
29:52OK, here we go.
29:53Feed the clown the most cards.
29:57No part of you must cross the threshold of the stage.
30:02BUZZER
30:02This is the stage.
30:04Don't go any closer than that.
30:05Exactly.
30:06Even if a hair goes over it.
30:08You have ten minutes.
30:09Your time starts now.
30:13Pretty straightforward.
30:15Get the cards into the clown's mouth.
30:17Do not cross the threshold.
30:19And I will be ruthless on this.
30:21I think we should just get on with it.
30:22OK, well, let's begin, as we so often have, with Lucy and Susan.
30:28I'm going to just try and see what my aim's saying.
30:33Cool!
30:34Have you got a fishing rod and a magnet?
30:37What I've got is a shed.
30:39I'll try again, just so that we're all aware that this is not how we're going to do this.
30:45Useless.
30:47Hello, Lucy.
30:48Hiya.
30:48You got a plan?
30:49Yeah.
30:49Yeah.
30:51Yeah.
30:53All right, so we've done that.
30:54Yeah, I've done that.
31:06That was about six.
31:08Do you mind telling me your plan?
31:09I want to see if you'll, erm, if you'll sit on there.
31:13I don't mind sitting on a sledge.
31:14I can't cross the threshold.
31:21Can you cross the threshold?
31:23Yeah, I can.
31:23I can do what I want.
31:24Can you get me all the cards?
31:25No, thank you.
31:26What?!
31:27I don't really like clowns.
31:29No, nobody does, do they?
31:31I'm just going to give you this card.
31:33You might need to just shuffle forward a bit.
31:35I won't be putting them in the clown's mouth.
31:38You won't be?
31:39I don't think so.
31:41Right.
31:42Hmm.
31:43May I go in the shed, please?
31:45Thanks.
31:48Oh.
31:49I mean, there's nothing in here.
31:52Well, no, that's cos that's not the shed.
31:55Why am I sitting on a sledge?
31:57I was probably going to push you if you needed me to.
31:59Oogie!
32:01No.
32:03You were fine, just.
32:04Was I?
32:05Yep.
32:06I'm over it.
32:08I've got a feeling this isn't the best way,
32:11but I don't know...
32:12I've sort of committed to it.
32:14I don't know any other way now.
32:23Well, there are some cards in the clown's mouth.
32:31What's great about Taskmaster is that people sometimes try a method,
32:34but then they evolve as the task goes on?
32:37Not in Susan's case.
32:39No, no, no.
32:40It was just the throw the cards, route one.
32:42Yep.
32:43Throw the cards into the clown's mouth.
32:44Yep.
32:45How many did you get in?
32:46Was it three?
32:47How many did you get in?
32:48Actually, twelve.
32:49Oh, was it twelve?
32:50Yeah, twelve million.
32:50Four insanity.
32:51That's pretty good.
32:52Well, that's a disappointing start.
32:55Yeah.
32:55You thought no-one would be worse than that.
32:58You would have thought.
32:59Hello, Lucy.
33:00Hi.
33:01Why were you wearing two hats?
33:03I think just because they were in there.
33:06Yeah, pop them on.
33:07Fine.
33:07Perfect answer.
33:08Probably the same reason that when Susan failed, she maniacally laughed.
33:14Lucy.
33:14Did you really think you could use a leaf blower to blow that card into the clown's mouth?
33:18Yeah.
33:19Yeah, she did.
33:20Because what a blower leaves at her.
33:21Into a clown's mouth.
33:22Well, I mean, they go really far.
33:24They go miles.
33:25Yeah.
33:28So it's twelve and zero to beat.
33:30Who's next?
33:30We're going to see Sam Clownbull and Julian Clowney.
33:33Fine?
33:34Yes.
33:34Here we go.
33:42I've got an idea.
33:44OK.
33:46I need some string.
33:47Am I allowed to go back into the house?
33:48Oh, all the information's on the task, Sam.
33:52If I look in the shed, might I find some elastic bands?
33:55It's a really nice shed.
33:56Do you come with me or not?
33:57Do I go on my own?
33:58That's up to you.
33:59You come with me.
34:00Great.
34:02Is this your stage persona or is this what you're like?
34:05I don't know what you mean.
34:12Oh.
34:13Why did you do that?
34:15Just to test my thrust.
34:16How was your thrust?
34:18How was your thrust?
34:19Yeah.
34:20I've done this before.
34:30Oh, fuck!
34:31Fuck!
34:32Fuck!
34:35What I want to do is just shove the whole thing in.
34:38Oh, I see.
34:39Oh!
34:39Oh!
34:40Oh!
34:40No!
34:42Oh, I can still get it in now, then.
34:55That's in the clown.
34:56That's what you wanted?
34:58There's still one card not in.
35:00Um, have I got time to go and get a broom or something?
35:03You've got two minutes.
35:04I've got my own this time.
35:06OK.
35:07I'll miss you.
35:08How lucky did you not get with that little bit, the lip?
35:11Really lucky, Sam.
35:15Are you giving me some sort of countdown?
35:19Do you want to be dramatic?
35:20Well, let's see how dramatic you are.
35:22You've got 45 seconds left, Julian.
35:26Oh, now I've done it.
35:28Oh, well, I give up.
35:29I don't...
35:31..remind about the last card.
35:45It's nice to go to the show with you.
35:46You're not the first.
35:49APPLAUSE
35:51Sam.
35:51My feeling was that probably when you did that successful power throw of the cards,
35:56that you ran off and you just kept running for days.
36:00LAUGHTER
36:00Um, incredible.
36:02Must have been quite a rush.
36:03This woman came to my school.
36:05She died but she came back to life and she came in to tell us about it
36:09cos she said she saw God and he was a giant pink crystal
36:11and that's how that felt.
36:14LAUGHTER
36:17Cheers, Sam.
36:19Julian, your system worked really well.
36:21The only question I've got, really, is why did you make the cards,
36:23like, two feet from the top of the rod?
36:26Well, I think there was something wrong with that rod.
36:27It wasn't quite as euphoric an experience for me as your brush with God.
36:34To me, it was just a packet of playing cards and a rusty old clown's mouth.
36:39Yes.
36:40It didn't make you think of a rebirth and crystals, no?
36:44Not at any point.
36:46LAUGHTER
36:46No.
36:47So, Julian still had time to get that last card, he didn't get it,
36:50which meant he got 51 in, whereas Sam got 52.
36:53The full 52 cards.
36:54That one card was the difference.
36:56We've reached the end of part three once more.
36:59The prizes today include a sellotaped leaf,
37:01a cassette tape of a national insurance number
37:03and some mouse droppings.
37:05And yet, you will still watch.
37:08You will still watch.
37:19APPLAUSE
37:24Hello.
37:26Welcome back to the final part of the show,
37:28where there's a big old clown head that still needs feeding.
37:31Oh, dear. Hungry are you?
37:34LAUGHTER
37:38No, I suppose you mean the clown head in the current task.
37:41The last person to launch is Sue Perkins.
37:44These are the most funnily things I could find,
37:46but I think they might mean I have to cross the threshold.
37:50Right. OK.
37:52That's not going to work.
37:53Let's try and just...
37:54I'm going to go for plan B and just throw some things.
38:00Yeah, we're running out of cards, so...
38:02So we're on to plan C, is it, now?
38:03Can I bring the clown nearer me?
38:05As long as you don't cross that threshold.
38:07Right.
38:07How's it going, Sue?
38:08Is there any gaffer tape in the shed?
38:10Yes, would you like me to get it for you?
38:12Oh, thanks so much.
38:13Also, if you find anything longer than this, that'd be great.
38:15You've got five minutes left.
38:17No!
38:39Take that, you hungry clown.
38:42Are there more cards?
38:43Oh!
38:49Hello, Sue.
38:51Hello.
38:51How long have I got?
38:52You've got 30 seconds.
38:55Is there another whole packet?
38:57Yeah.
38:59The classic 72.
39:00The classic 72.
39:02Is it 72?
39:06Thanks, Sue.
39:07Classic 72, mate.
39:09It's the classic 72.
39:10Added to the 87 that were there.
39:12We're talking big numbers.
39:15APPLAUSE
39:17What did you think the classic 72 was?
39:19One pack or two?
39:21I thought it was one pack.
39:22And it's just the way I said the classic 72.
39:24And I just went, 72.
39:25And then I just thought, I have just become the biggest cock on all.
39:29The plan works a treat.
39:31You've got the classic 72.
39:32Oh, don't you?
39:33I do need to show you some more stuff.
39:34Oh, there's a but, isn't there?
39:36I think we all felt there might be.
39:37It was actually a birthday card.
39:41He's excited because he's going to crush me again.
39:43Let's see what the dream crusher's got in store.
39:46That's what my children call me.
39:47OK, here we go.
39:49I'm going to go for plan B and just throw some things.
39:52Yeah, wash that hand.
39:54I'm going to just try and see what my aim's saying.
39:59Cool!
40:15The dream crusher!
40:18That's fingertip cruel, mate.
40:20He's right.
40:21It's fingertip cruel, mate.
40:23You look so nice, but underneath it all, you're just a shit.
40:27Oh, that is.
40:28Oh, that's awful.
40:29But rules are rules, unfortunately.
40:31Yeah, it means Julian Clary was the only one who completed the task.
40:34Wow.
40:34Oh, really?
40:3651 cards, and you would have won the task if you hadn't done anything at all.
40:39Well done.
40:40So, look at the scores.
40:42The winner so far is Sue with 15 points.
40:48Oh, can you please stay where you are
40:51while Alex and I make our way to the stage
40:54for the final task of the show?
40:57Wow!
40:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:04Hello there.
41:05Who will be reading the task note?
41:06It's me.
41:07OK.
41:12Watch Alex's parade.
41:14Ooh.
41:15Then answer the questions.
41:18Most correct answers wins.
41:20You may not make any notes during the parade.
41:25Let the parade commence.
41:27And here he comes.
41:29The furry watsit.
41:31Oh, he's wearing a lollipop person's outfit.
41:35I remember my lollipop lady when I was a boy.
41:39Mandy.
41:39She was an angry lady who hated children.
41:44Ooh.
41:45Here he comes again.
41:48Born in 1972 and found as a baby in a car park in Natwich.
41:54Alex is now dressed as a doctor.
41:56Which is ironic, as he's currently suffering from ugly hemorrhoids.
42:01Ooh.
42:04Who's Alex?
42:05He's Alex the handyman.
42:07He can fix your immersion heater or do a very workmanlike strip at a hen do.
42:14But in real life he couldn't do anything like that because he's had a soft upbringing and he's incompetent.
42:20Ooh.
42:21Who could this be?
42:23Who ordered the limp white meat?
42:27The limp white meat.
42:29No.
42:30That's just Alex the chef.
42:32He's always unappetising.
42:34And when he eats he has to shut his eyes because he can only open one orifice at a time.
42:41There he is again.
42:43As a magician.
42:45Alakazam!
42:46Wow.
42:48He can literally turn any situation into a lifeless vacuum.
42:53What's his magician's name?
42:54Why?
42:55It's the mysterious bacteriosis.
42:59LAUGHTER
43:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:05Wow.
43:06He's got legs.
43:07Look at his legs.
43:09Look at it.
43:10Right, it's time for the parade test.
43:13You may now pick up your blackboards and pens.
43:16Question one.
43:19What three-word phrase did I use to describe Alex's chef character?
43:27Julian.
43:29Limp white meat.
43:30Lucy.
43:31Swirling meat man.
43:33LAUGHTER
43:34I don't remember telling you my stage name.
43:38Sam.
43:39A good bloke.
43:41LAUGHTER
43:43Sue.
43:44I got the wrong character so I said kill any vacuum.
43:47Yep.
43:49Susan.
43:50My mind was sort of nearly their soft white meat I got.
43:54Very close.
43:55Yeah.
43:55And no cigar.
43:56APPLAUSE
43:58Question two.
43:58In what year was Alex born according to me?
44:05Julian.
44:061972.
44:08Lucy.
44:08He was born in 2015 at 1800.
44:12LAUGHTER
44:13Absolutely incredible.
44:15Sam.
44:161984.
44:18Sue.
44:191972.
44:20Susan.
44:211972.
44:21APPLAUSE
44:22Well done.
44:24Well done.
44:24Question three.
44:25What was my magic word?
44:30Julian.
44:32Alakabaz.
44:33Ah.
44:34Lucy.
44:35Cheesecake tips.
44:38LAUGHTER
44:39What's up?
44:40Alakazam.
44:41Sue.
44:42Alakazam.
44:43Susan.
44:44Alakazam.
44:45Very close, Julian.
44:46Very close.
44:48Question four.
44:49What couldn't handyman Alex fix?
44:52What couldn't he fix?
44:54Julian.
44:55Big End.
44:57LAUGHTER
44:58Who's he?
44:59His tripod.
45:01LAUGHTER
45:01Sam.
45:03His personal wife.
45:05LAUGHTER
45:05Sue.
45:07Immersion heaters.
45:08Susan.
45:09Immersion heaters.
45:11APPLAUSE
45:12And finally, question five.
45:15What was I holding when Alex took his trousers off?
45:20Julian.
45:21Rub a duck.
45:22Lucy.
45:23A penis, brackets, cock ring, or cheese triangle.
45:28Sam.
45:29The holy bible.
45:31LAUGHTER
45:33Sue.
45:34Yeah, I guess a duck as well.
45:36Sue?
45:37A duck as well, yeah, yeah.
45:38Seriously?
45:39Yeah.
45:40It was a delicious satsuma.
45:41Oh, magic.
45:43I didn't take any of it in at all.
45:45LAUGHTER
45:46We know.
45:48LAUGHTER
45:49So, we'll add all of those and we'll put them on to the final scores.
45:52We'll come down there and join you.
45:54That's the duck, isn't it?
46:01APPLAUSE
46:01That's put the cat amongst the pigeons, hasn't it?
46:04Yes.
46:05I changed my clothes really fast and you produced a satsuma secretly.
46:08Yeah.
46:08Scores-wise, Lucy didn't get any right but still gets one point for coming fifth.
46:12So, well done.
46:13Aw, thanks.
46:14And that feels like charity.
46:15Yes.
46:16Sam, you got one right, so you get two points for coming fourth.
46:19Julian, you come third, you get three points.
46:22Sue and Susan with suspiciously similar answers.
46:25You both win the task and get five points each.
46:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:31And so, the winner of the episode with 20 points is Sue Perkins!
46:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:38Sue Perkins wins!
46:40Please go and collect your bits of crap!
46:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:46Just one sweet final to go and one sweet winner tonight.
46:50Sue Perkins!
46:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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