- 1 hour ago
Operation Taco Garys
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00:00:25Breaking news, actor Jason Biggs
00:00:27of American Pie fame was found dead
00:00:29in his Wind River home.
00:00:31The event brings this year's celebrity death toll to 27
00:00:33after Pope Francis' heart explosion
00:00:36last week. His estate wants
00:00:37to remind the world that Jason Biggs was
00:00:39a good guy, and we should all be very
00:00:41very sad. Authorities aren't
00:00:43ruling out foul play.
00:01:06Get fucked, Biggs!
00:01:12I heard, I heard
00:01:14the old man say
00:01:16Today, today's a holiday
00:01:22Chonka-nakka-nakka-tu-ra-yay
00:01:26Tu-ra-yay
00:01:28To-ra-yay
00:01:36Chonka-nakka-nakka-tu-ra-yay
00:01:57We'll work tomorrow but not today
00:01:59Chonka-nakka-nakka-tu-ra-yay
00:02:02We'll work tomorrow but not today
00:02:04Chonka-nakka-nakka-tu-ra-yay
00:02:07To-ra-yay
00:02:09Oh-oh
00:02:10To-ra-yay
00:02:14Chonka-nakka-nakka-tu-ra-yay
00:02:16We'll bow the way
00:02:18Frisco way
00:02:19Chonka-nakka-nakka-tu-ra-yay
00:02:21We'll bow the way
00:02:22At the break of hay
00:02:24Chonka-nakka-nakka-tu-ra-yay
00:02:26To-ra-yay
00:02:28Oh-oh
00:02:30To-ra-yay
00:02:32Hey, John, you're not going to do that, hey.
00:03:13So, 35? We have a deal?
00:03:17Okay, you got me. 25. Drive a hard bargain.
00:03:21Yeah, Luke, how much for this?
00:03:23Oh, for you, Jake? Absolutely free. Take it. It's yours.
00:03:29No kidding?
00:03:30No kidding.
00:03:31You know, a toaster like this would probably get you $27.
00:03:35I doubt that.
00:03:38It's a very nice thing.
00:03:41I think I'll put it on my desk next to my computer.
00:03:45I came by to give you a little going-away advice.
00:03:49You need to change the password on your Wi-Fi
00:03:53in the majority of your streaming accounts.
00:03:56What do you mean?
00:03:57Type in some extra numbers or some big letters.
00:04:01Those go a long way.
00:04:02Jake, are you saying you've been using my Wi-Fi?
00:04:05Is that why Google keeps recommending different ketamine clinics?
00:04:07I'm just saying I don't want people in your new building to take advantage of you the way some people
00:04:14might have been taking advantage of you here.
00:04:16Thanks, Jake.
00:04:17You're a good guy, Luke. You deserve better.
00:04:20You deserve better.
00:04:21Okay.
00:04:23Oh, hey, Janet.
00:04:25Respectfully, Janet, I really think that we should just try it my way.
00:04:28We're really going to miss you around here, Luke.
00:04:30And not just your Wi-Fi and your streaming services. You look like family.
00:04:34Were my passwords that easy to figure out?
00:04:36Where are you headed now?
00:04:38Ottawa, Canada. Watch your finger.
00:04:39Ottawa. You got family up there or something?
00:04:44No. No, the only family I've left is an older brother, but I haven't heard from him in years.
00:04:48In fact, I actually don't even know if he's dead or alive.
00:04:50Oh, well, that's dreadful because family is the most important thing there is.
00:04:56Family sticks together no matter what.
00:05:01What was that?
00:05:03What was what?
00:05:03The random family sentiment you just read out loud. What was that about?
00:05:09Um, I gotta go.
00:05:12Clinton, what?
00:05:13How much you want for this? It's beautiful.
00:05:17What the hell? This isn't mine. Who put this here?
00:05:20You did.
00:05:20No. Why would I have a painting of the Pope eating tacos with Bigfoot?
00:05:24I mean, I'm basically Jewish, for Christ's sake.
00:05:26That's a lie.
00:05:28I've seen his penis.
00:05:30The man you know as Luke is not circumcised.
00:05:33Quite the opposite.
00:05:34He possesses a generous amount of foreskin, making his dick look like the head of a baby elephant.
00:05:38What?
00:05:39Who are you? What is happening?
00:05:48Jeez, Louise.
00:05:51Ow!
00:05:56Danny!
00:05:57Bring it in.
00:05:57Danny!
00:05:58Huh?
00:05:58Ow! Ow!
00:05:59Ow!
00:05:59God, God, God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
00:06:01What happened? You okay?
00:06:02Yeah, it's nothing, really.
00:06:03You should have seen the other guy.
00:06:04Yeah?
00:06:05Oh, yeah.
00:06:05He was driving the sickest Mercedes when he plowed into me.
00:06:08Okay, that looks really bad.
00:06:09Oh, and that painting is from me.
00:06:12Hmm?
00:06:12Oh!
00:06:13You like it?
00:06:15Yeah, man.
00:06:16One more hug.
00:06:17Soft.
00:06:17Wow, I can't...
00:06:19Oh!
00:06:34So, how's life living off-grid all this time?
00:06:38That's fine.
00:06:38Until the grid got bigger.
00:06:40After a while, it became like one of Todd Simmons' famous nosebleeds.
00:06:44Yeah.
00:06:46Wait, so what's with the moving sail?
00:06:49You moving somewhere?
00:06:49Uh, very perceptive of you.
00:06:51Yeah, yeah, I know.
00:06:52I'm heading up to Ottawa, Canada.
00:06:55Ottawa!
00:06:56Oh, you got a girlfriend up there or something?
00:06:58No.
00:06:58Yeah, you do.
00:06:59No.
00:07:00You have a girlfriend in Canada.
00:07:03I wish.
00:07:03Yeah, you gotta go all the way up there to get laid,
00:07:05because you can't get laid here.
00:07:06Danny! Danny!
00:07:08No, sorry.
00:07:08No, I...
00:07:09I am driving up today to start at the new paleontology research center.
00:07:16What, today today?
00:07:17Yeah.
00:07:18Well, you can't leave today.
00:07:20Why not?
00:07:21Well, because I'm here now.
00:07:22I want to hang out.
00:07:23Yeah, but I start on Monday.
00:07:24Oh, fuck muffin.
00:07:28I was really hoping to spend some time together
00:07:30before I start my new job in Tucson next week.
00:07:47Hey, man, why don't you come with me?
00:07:48Really?
00:07:49Yeah.
00:07:50You wouldn't mind?
00:07:50No, I...
00:07:51I...
00:07:51I've wanted to spend time with you, too.
00:07:53Wow.
00:07:54I'm impressed, Luke.
00:07:55You really do have faith in your fellow man.
00:07:59It's like Todd Simmons said,
00:08:00faith is all about taking that initial step
00:08:02without first checking for scorpions.
00:08:04Yeah.
00:08:06Who is this Todd Simmons guy?
00:08:08Ah!
00:08:16So, tell me about the job in Ottawa, huh?
00:08:19You happy with it?
00:08:20Oh, beyond happy, man.
00:08:21It's like for the first time in my life,
00:08:23everything's finally making sense, you know?
00:08:25And that's a good thing?
00:08:26Yeah, of course it is.
00:08:28I get to go on real digs with real paleontologists,
00:08:30and you know what we're doing on my very first day?
00:08:32How would I know that?
00:08:33We're going to go to a dig site
00:08:34where they've already found
00:08:34a brand new species of Cretaceous Aerotheropon.
00:08:37And they've already given her a name, too.
00:08:39Snomisdod.
00:08:40Snomisdod.
00:08:40Yeah, apparently she's massive.
00:08:43And her femur bone
00:08:45is exactly five foot, ten and a half inches long,
00:08:47which is my precise height,
00:08:49which is weird and neat, right?
00:08:51Yeah.
00:08:52I'm just happy you're happy.
00:08:54Just don't freak out
00:08:55when you learn what actually killed the dinosaurs.
00:08:58What do you mean?
00:09:00No.
00:09:02It's too soon.
00:09:03I'm sorry.
00:09:04I'm just going to shut up now.
00:09:06No, no.
00:09:07What do you think killed the dinosaurs, Danny?
00:09:10Well, it wasn't a fucking meteor, I'll tell you that.
00:09:18What?
00:09:20Just so you know,
00:09:22I don't actually care
00:09:23that you believe in all this conspiracy theory stuff.
00:09:26It honestly doesn't even bother me.
00:09:29Conspiracy theory stuff?
00:09:30Just so you know,
00:09:31all science is theory until proven otherwise.
00:09:33Did you know that Galileo was once considered a conspiracy theorist?
00:09:36Okay, but just so you know,
00:09:37even if somehow one of your crazy conspiracy theories
00:09:41just happened to be proven true,
00:09:42nobody would believe you
00:09:43because you think everything is part of some massive conspiracy theory.
00:09:45so you'd basically just be the boy who cried wolf.
00:09:47Oh, just so you know,
00:09:48the boy who cried wolf is a personal hero of mine.
00:09:50Of course he is.
00:09:51Now think about it.
00:09:51He tricked his entire town into thinking that a wolf was coming,
00:09:54so by the end,
00:09:54when the wolf actually came,
00:09:55he had them all to himself.
00:09:56And who doesn't want a little wolf?
00:10:07It's just in.
00:10:09Jason Biggs' death has been officially ruled a homicide.
00:10:12The suspect is set to bloody, grisly murder.
00:10:14We should all be very sad, according to his estate.
00:10:23So, tell me about this job in Tucson.
00:10:27Oh yeah, I'm really excited about it.
00:10:30Is it like an office job or?
00:10:32The day I set foot in an office is the day I die.
00:10:35Yeah, so what is it?
00:10:37Oh, I can't say.
00:10:38I signed an NDA.
00:10:39Well, with who?
00:10:40Can't say that either.
00:10:41Well, can you tell me anything about it?
00:10:44Let me think.
00:10:44No.
00:10:45Well, come on,
00:10:46you're not being chased by a bounty hunter or something, are you?
00:10:49Jesus, Luke!
00:10:51I'm not that guy anymore.
00:10:53All right, sorry.
00:10:54Sure, at one point I was a little off my rocker.
00:10:57Sure, at one point I ran for sheriff of Daytona under the name Deacon Shrimp.
00:11:00Sure, at one point I scammed the Portuguese mafia out of a thousand fluid ounces of Taiwanese
00:11:04ketamine.
00:11:05What?
00:11:05But I also know I haven't been the best big brother to you.
00:11:08I left you all alone in that hellhole, took out multiple houseboat loans in your name.
00:11:12That was you?
00:11:12But I'm a changed man now who's trying to get his life back on track.
00:11:17And I need you to believe that.
00:11:21Uh, yeah.
00:11:23All right.
00:11:24I have no reason to lie to you, man.
00:11:26Literally not one.
00:11:27Knock on wood.
00:11:29Sheriff's department!
00:11:31Sheriff's department!
00:11:50Hey, oh yeah, he's been here.
00:11:52Looks like his brother's helping him after all.
00:11:54We're going to need an additional 277 on Luke Davenport, accomplice to a wanted felon Daniel Davenport.
00:12:05We're going to need an additional 277 on Luke Davenport.
00:12:42Let's see diverse Heathcl tape.
00:12:43Let's see soon.
00:12:44Let's hear it.
00:12:45Three mother hearts are young
00:12:48Brown and ma, la, la, la, la
00:12:50Three mother hearts are young
00:12:52They set seven, Brittany
00:12:54A storm began as they set sail
00:12:56The winds were going round
00:12:58And the winds were strong
00:13:00The journey long
00:13:01They landed in you
00:13:02It's an incident that it was around the same time
00:13:05Bill Gates had Princess Di assassinated
00:13:07And that's the fourth reason why one should never trust the Portuguese
00:13:12What?
00:13:13Nothing
00:13:14Oh, seriously, man, what?
00:13:16No, it's, it's nothing, never mind
00:13:18I know that look
00:13:19You're contemplating whether or not I'm back on my meds, huh?
00:13:22How is that a look?
00:13:23Well, I am, okay?
00:13:25I mean, do I look like Todd Simmons on a Spanish holiday?
00:13:27Who the fuck is Todd Simmons?
00:13:29I swear, you have nothing to worry
00:13:34What? What is it?
00:13:36Nothing, it's nothing
00:13:38I'm just gonna go see if old man Waters still lives over there
00:13:41I'll be right back
00:13:41Old man Waters, it's clearly made up
00:13:44And it's my turn to drive
00:14:08Hands on the steering wheel, now!
00:14:10Oh, dear
00:14:11I gotta hand it to you
00:14:13I thought I lost you back in Wind River
00:14:15You banged me up good
00:14:18I don't want your fucking money
00:14:19Hands on the wheel, do it now!
00:14:21Oh, dear
00:14:21Does this mean anything to you, huh?
00:14:24It's a Taco Gary's taco
00:14:26Taco, as in the TG Truce of 21?
00:14:29It's Taco Gary?
00:14:31It's Taco Gary!
00:14:33This is a Mercedes, right?
00:14:35I don't know, I don't know
00:14:37It's my husband's car!
00:14:39He was using the restroom!
00:15:01God damn it!
00:15:02I'm truly sorry for mistaking you for a member of the Coalition
00:15:05It was an honest mistake
00:15:09I'm assuming you have the child lock on
00:15:12Thank you, ma'am
00:15:14You have a lovely day
00:15:36You okay?
00:15:39Not really, man
00:15:40I saw it
00:15:42Fuck
00:15:43Okay, yeah, putting a hunting knife to a grandmother's throat looks really bad on paper
00:15:46But technically that was in self-defense
00:15:48What? No, I'm talking about these
00:15:50Fucking M&M's, man
00:15:53Oh, yeah
00:15:53Me too
00:15:54You're lying to me, Danny, again
00:15:57Relax, Luke
00:15:58They're just anti-psychotics
00:15:59Nothing bad's gonna happen
00:16:00Not yet, but
00:16:01I refuse to be the idiot in the horror movie
00:16:04Who sees all the dead animals and the ghost children
00:16:07Yet doesn't get out
00:16:07I feel like I'm being set up for disaster
00:16:10If you would like me to take the regular pills that work, I will, okay?
00:16:14Pinky swear
00:16:15I love you, Danny
00:16:16I do
00:16:16But I am in a new chapter in my life
00:16:18And I don't have time to accommodate you
00:16:19And you
00:16:19Wait, what did you do to some grandma?
00:16:22Nothing
00:16:22It's a metaphor
00:16:26Where's my phone?
00:16:28You promise you won't get angry?
00:16:31Oh, God
00:16:32Look, for your own safety
00:16:33And for reasons I can't disclose yet
00:16:35I had to dispose of your phone
00:16:37Via toilet at the gas station
00:16:38Pull over
00:16:39Why? We just stopped
00:16:40Pull over!
00:16:41Hey, please, calm down
00:16:44What is happening right now?
00:16:48Where are you going?
00:16:51God damn it!
00:16:52What the fuck?
00:16:55Shit, shit
00:16:57Just wait, just wait
00:16:58Nope, it's over
00:17:00You're not gonna talk me out of it
00:17:01I know, I know
00:17:03I understand
00:17:04Fuck, I'm sorry
00:17:05You know, I hate taking that shit
00:17:08It makes me feel too
00:17:10Not me
00:17:11Things make too much sense
00:17:12That's a bad thing?
00:17:14Can you just get out of the car
00:17:15So I can give you a proper hug goodbye?
00:17:17Dude
00:17:17I'll leave
00:17:18I promise
00:17:20This might be a really long time
00:17:21Before I see you again
00:17:22Just come out and give me one last hug
00:17:24And then I'm gone, okay?
00:17:27Please
00:17:32Thank you
00:17:37Love you, man
00:17:38Oh, you too
00:17:39What the fuck was that?
00:17:43I know, I'm sorry
00:17:43It's for your own good
00:17:44Trust me
00:17:45Trust me
00:17:47You're okay
00:17:49All right
00:17:50That's it
00:17:52You're okay
00:17:57Good night, sweet prince
00:18:00Huh, they never show this part in the movies
00:18:03How hard could it be?
00:18:31How hard could it be?
00:18:40There's Mr. Sleepyhead
00:18:42There's Mr. Sleepyhead
00:18:45What happened?
00:18:46Where are we?
00:18:47What, you don't remember?
00:18:48Makes sense
00:18:49You were pretty damn drunk
00:18:50No
00:18:51No, I
00:18:52I remember
00:18:54I couldn't find my phone
00:18:57And then
00:18:57And then
00:18:58We got in an argument
00:19:00And
00:19:04Holy shit
00:19:06You
00:19:07Okay, fine
00:19:08I injected you with some ketamine
00:19:10But you were having a temper tantrum
00:19:11Oh, you're out of your mind
00:19:12You're
00:19:13Oh, God
00:19:21There's Mr. Sleepyhead
00:19:23God damn it
00:19:24I know
00:19:24This hurts me
00:19:26Just as much as it hurts you
00:19:27Why are you doing this to me?
00:19:30I haven't been completely honest with you
00:19:32I kind of stumbled into some trouble
00:19:34And I sort of need to
00:19:35How do I say this?
00:19:36Flee the country
00:19:37So when I found out
00:19:38That you're going to Canada
00:19:38I thought it was meant to be
00:19:39You know, like fate
00:19:40What did you do?
00:19:41Nothing
00:19:42I simply took something
00:19:44From someone deemed important
00:19:45Hey, keep it back
00:19:46No
00:19:47The world needs to see this
00:19:48And I need your help
00:19:49No
00:19:50Come on, Luke
00:19:51You're family
00:19:52And you know family
00:19:54Is the most important thing of all
00:19:55Family sticks together
00:19:57No matter what
00:19:59Paid my neighbor to say that
00:20:01Didn't you?
00:20:01Look, it's not my fault
00:20:02Your neighbor didn't take the extra five minutes
00:20:03To memorize his fucking lines
00:20:04Look, whatever
00:20:05It doesn't matter
00:20:06The fact is
00:20:07I love you
00:20:08And you're the only one
00:20:09That I can truly trust
00:20:09And you have a valid passport
00:20:11And we kind of look like each other
00:20:12I can't believe I fell for this
00:20:14No, no, no, no
00:20:17Help!
00:20:18Come here, you little rascal
00:20:20Help!
00:20:21Stop doing that!
00:20:23Look, I'm begging you, man
00:20:24I need your help
00:20:25And I need to borrow your identity
00:20:26One last time
00:20:27Just try to see the forest
00:20:29Through the trees
00:20:29It's for the trees, you idiot
00:20:31And the answer is no
00:20:33I am not going to risk
00:20:35My chance at happiness for you
00:20:36Thing is, Luke
00:20:38I don't think you have any other options
00:20:41Of course I do
00:20:42I'll just suck it up and fly there
00:20:44Truck's worthless anyway
00:20:45And all my important stuff
00:20:46Is already in my new place
00:20:47Yeah, but you can't book a flight
00:20:48Without your phone and your wallet
00:20:50God damn it
00:20:51Where's my wallet, Danny?
00:20:55It's in safe hands
00:20:55You'll get it once we cross the border
00:20:57I know that look
00:20:58You want to cause me physical harm
00:21:00But right now
00:21:00I'm your best and only option
00:21:02You'll still get there on time
00:21:03I promise
00:21:04Any questions?
00:21:05Can I at least have my shirt back?
00:21:07No
00:21:07Oh, and there's something else
00:21:08I need to give you
00:21:09Now, you're probably not ready to hear this
00:21:11But that right there
00:21:12Is a highly advanced homing beacon
00:21:13This is a Rubik's suit
00:21:14Covered in black sharpie
00:21:15Trust me
00:21:16That's the highest of high tech
00:21:17I do not trust you
00:21:18And don't ask me how I got it
00:21:19I'll just say
00:21:20It involved a full-figured Bigfoot suit
00:21:22A live chicken
00:21:23And a shit-ton of ketamine
00:21:24Now, in the off chance
00:21:25That we get separated
00:21:26You press this part down right here
00:21:27And I'll know exactly where you are
00:21:30Oh shit, get down!
00:21:31What?
00:21:31Get down!
00:21:32No!
00:21:32At least take a knee!
00:21:33No!
00:21:34Shit, the truck's been made
00:21:36Oh, thank God
00:21:38What?
00:21:38Let go!
00:21:39If you tattletale, I swear
00:21:40You'll never make it to your job
00:21:41I'll tell them you're the mastermind
00:21:42Behind all this
00:21:43How are you gonna do that?
00:21:44You really should rethink your password
00:21:45Just add a few numbers
00:21:47Or big letters
00:21:47Those go a long way
00:21:48What have you been doing?
00:21:50Enough to make it seem like
00:21:51You and I have been accomplices
00:21:52All along
00:21:52But if you stick with me
00:21:53I'll clear your name
00:21:54Thank you, swear
00:21:54God damn it
00:21:55That's okay, brother
00:21:56I intended for plan A to fail
00:21:57This is all part of the plan
00:21:59We're just gonna skip ahead
00:22:00To step 17
00:22:02WWTSD
00:22:03What would Todd Simmons do?
00:22:04How many hand grenades
00:22:06Do you have on your person?
00:22:06Did
00:22:06On second thought
00:22:07We don't need a truck
00:22:08Well, my passport is in there
00:22:09God damn it
00:22:10Look, what were you thinking?
00:22:11I was unconscious
00:22:12Just say that again
00:22:13That's them
00:22:13Shit, plan C
00:22:14Run
00:22:15You'll never catch us
00:22:16We're very armed
00:22:17And extremely deranged
00:22:19Why would you say that?
00:22:20No, no, no
00:22:20We're not
00:22:21I'm not
00:22:22I'm not
00:22:23Fuck
00:22:26This way
00:22:26This way
00:22:33This way
00:22:44I'm not
00:22:46I'm not
00:22:47I'm not
00:22:52I'm not
00:22:53I'm not
00:22:57I'm not
00:22:57Hick
00:22:57Dieseала
00:22:58No
00:23:03Mr.
00:23:13Oh, my God.
00:23:45I need a salt.
00:23:48Come on.
00:23:49Fuck.
00:23:50I'm so fucked.
00:23:51Why did you say that?
00:23:53That is nothing compared to what I told the authorities we've been doing for the last few weeks.
00:23:56No, you.
00:23:57Not we.
00:23:58You.
00:23:58Shut up.
00:23:59This is all happening according to the new plan that I just thought of.
00:24:02All we need is a ride so I can connect with an associate I have in the area, and that
00:24:06guy's perfect.
00:24:08Okay, here's what we're going to do.
00:24:09I'm going to tell him that my fiancé's dog, Stanley McRuff-Ruff, was stolen by a one-eyed Portuguese man,
00:24:14and we're on a desperate and inspiring rescue mission.
00:24:16Why would anyone believe that?
00:24:18Because no one wants to believe the truth anymore, man.
00:24:20People don't let strangers with no pants ride in their car willy-nilly.
00:24:23Why is there no pants?
00:24:24Bingo-bongo.
00:24:26What the fuck?
00:24:30You know, if something happened to my little ruff ruff, I'd do the same thing.
00:24:35Damn Portuguese.
00:24:36Amen, brother.
00:24:38Oh, right.
00:24:39For your information, I've kidnapped my brother, and I'm forcing him to come along against his will.
00:24:44He wants to let you know in case you're a witness in a trial that'll never happen.
00:24:48Brothers, huh?
00:24:50I guess y'all do smell pretty similar.
00:24:56Daddy, what the fuck are you doing?
00:24:57These are the exact coordinates.
00:24:58I triple-checked.
00:25:00Oh, excuse me.
00:25:00Sir, do you mind driving me to the hospital?
00:25:02I've been kidnapped!
00:25:04Nice try, Luke, but no one wants to believe the truth anymore.
00:25:06Just let me work.
00:25:08Now that neither of us have a passport because you're irresponsible,
00:25:11we're going to require the services of a badger.
00:25:13It's like a Canadian coyote.
00:25:15She'll help us cross the border.
00:25:18Oh.
00:25:27Let's talk.
00:25:29No running, Eric!
00:25:33It's nice to see you again, Allison.
00:25:35It's been a while.
00:25:36This is my little brother, Luke.
00:25:39Ah, I know that, Luke.
00:25:41You're sexually attracted to her, aren't you?
00:25:44So, where are you two heading?
00:25:45I'm trying to get to Ottawa before Monday, and he's a wanted felon.
00:25:49Ottawa.
00:25:50What, you guys got family up there or something?
00:25:54Eric, slow the fuck down!
00:25:55You're a good brother, you know, helping Danny out like this.
00:25:58That man has opened my eyes to a lot of truths.
00:26:02Did you know there's a metropolis of squid people living directly beneath Santa Fe, New Mexico?
00:26:10I'm just playing.
00:26:10I don't believe in that kind of stuff.
00:26:12Push it, Eric.
00:26:14God damn it, Eric.
00:26:15I don't get it.
00:26:16You seem so...
00:26:17Look, when Danny called me up asking if I knew a badger, I just went, screw it.
00:26:21I'll be your badger.
00:26:22I've got nothing else to do right now.
00:26:23And Danny always knows how to spin nothing to something crazy and fun.
00:26:26This is not fun.
00:26:28Okay, before Danny came back, things in my life were just finally starting to make sense.
00:26:32And that's a good thing?
00:26:34Danny will clear your name.
00:26:35He's gotten me out of much tighter chance than this, trust me.
00:26:38And who knows, maybe by the end you'll no longer see this cup as half-empty like me.
00:26:41Oh, yeah?
00:26:42Why's that?
00:26:42Because I stopped drawing contacts.
00:26:43Can't see shit now.
00:26:44I just made contact with an associate of mine.
00:26:47He's going to provide us with a new vehicle and weaponry.
00:26:49Can he be trusted?
00:26:50Oh, yeah.
00:26:50We ran a lot of jobs together back in Pismo.
00:26:53No, no, no, no, Danny.
00:26:54Please tell me you're not talking about Clio.
00:26:56I don't know what you'd like me to say then.
00:26:59Danny, come on.
00:26:59Isn't he like the president of the Flat Earth Society?
00:27:01No, not anymore.
00:27:02He knows the world is a three-dimensional isosceles triangle.
00:27:05Don't worry.
00:27:06He said to meet him at these coordinates.
00:27:09Jesus Christ.
00:27:10Relax, baby.
00:27:12You're in a sauna.
00:27:13This is definitely the spot.
00:27:14I quadruple-checked the coordinates.
00:27:16But you said his name was Clio?
00:27:17Yeah.
00:27:18He purposely misspells his name to make himself harder to track.
00:27:21It's very smart.
00:27:24Come with me.
00:27:29Were you followed?
00:27:30I don't think so.
00:27:32What about that guy?
00:27:33Nope.
00:27:34He's not one of them.
00:27:35Well, who's the sheep?
00:27:37That's my little brother, Luke.
00:27:39Can you be trusted?
00:27:40Yeah, 100%.
00:27:41He's my brother.
00:27:42So you found yourself a badger.
00:27:44Best in the business.
00:27:46Only the best for Danny.
00:27:47Okay, guys, can we please just hurry this up?
00:27:49How can I help?
00:27:50They need to get to Ottawa.
00:27:52Ottawa.
00:27:54And no, we don't have any family.
00:27:57Wait.
00:27:59You're going to Ottawa?
00:28:01There's no way you stole what I think you stole.
00:28:03Maybe I did.
00:28:05Oh, you really got it, huh?
00:28:07Then whip it out and show it to me.
00:28:12Yeah.
00:28:17You didn't realize that it's worth upwards of $27.7 million USD.
00:28:23He's exaggerating.
00:28:24Besides, it's not for sale.
00:28:25Now, can you help us with the vehicle and weaponry or not?
00:28:28You can't sell it.
00:28:30And eat me.
00:28:32Yes.
00:28:32Yes, I can.
00:28:36Take your pick.
00:28:37Is this your entire inventory?
00:28:39Yeah.
00:28:40My mom isn't CEO of Gucci Vuitton.
00:28:42I'm sorry to say.
00:28:43Huh.
00:28:46This one doesn't have any side mirrors.
00:28:49Yeah.
00:28:49Well, I had to kick them off to decrease wind resistance.
00:28:52Yeah.
00:28:53Smart.
00:28:58Ooh.
00:29:00Impressive.
00:29:01If you want anything, all this stuff is 30% off.
00:29:12Hey, sheep.
00:29:15Hey, Baba Sheep.
00:29:16Hey.
00:29:17Hey.
00:29:19You gonna answer me or not?
00:29:20What's the question again?
00:29:21If Grover Cleveland showed up right here, right now, right next to you, and you got to ask him one
00:29:27question, what would it be?
00:29:28I don't know.
00:29:29I guess I'd ask him what he thought about current events and stuff.
00:29:33Eh.
00:29:34Wrong.
00:29:34Mm-mm.
00:29:35Okay.
00:29:36Clio.
00:29:37What would you ask him?
00:29:38How we did it.
00:29:40How we did what?
00:29:41Time travel.
00:29:42How did a man that size show up right here, right now, right next to you?
00:29:46That didn't weird you out or anything?
00:29:47That didn't spring up a bunch of questions in your mind?
00:29:50Danny, we already got the car, man.
00:29:51Can we just go?
00:29:52Jesus.
00:29:53Be careful, man.
00:29:54Relax.
00:29:54It's not even loaded.
00:29:56Whoa, Danny!
00:29:57The fuck are you doing?
00:29:58What?
00:29:58There's nothing to worry about.
00:30:00See?
00:30:02Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
00:30:05Clio, you son of a bitch.
00:30:07You were trying to rip me off.
00:30:08Bullshit.
00:30:09You probably had the safety on.
00:30:10It's off.
00:30:11Look.
00:30:13That is not how you test it.
00:30:16Let me see.
00:30:17What?
00:30:17Jesus.
00:30:18What is the matter with you guys?
00:30:19God.
00:30:21I don't understand it.
00:30:22It randomly discharged this morning.
00:30:24It should work.
00:30:25Hmm.
00:30:29Wouldn't it be funny if it just randomly went off right now?
00:30:35I mean, a little.
00:30:41Hey, mommy, you want a taco?
00:30:43Okay.
00:30:44You're lost.
00:30:55Hey, hey, Bubba.
00:30:56Next question.
00:30:57If you could have brunch with one person, living, dead, or ghost, who would it be?
00:31:02My former self.
00:31:03Do you remind me to never, ever trust my brother?
00:31:06Seriously, if I miss out on this dig, I will literally shoot you.
00:31:09Wrong answer, pal.
00:31:10Okay, Clio.
00:31:12What's the right one, then?
00:31:13Todd Simmons.
00:31:14Okay, will someone please just tell me who the fuck this Todd Simmons guy is?
00:31:18Oh, shit!
00:31:19Oh, my God.
00:31:21I told you it worked.
00:31:23Oh, fuck.
00:31:24Oh, fuck.
00:31:25I've been fucking shot.
00:31:26You sure that wasn't there the whole time?
00:31:28God, no.
00:31:28Call 911.
00:31:29I'm fine.
00:31:30It's just a BB.
00:31:30Fuck you, Danny.
00:31:31It hurts.
00:31:32Check for an exit work.
00:31:35Somebody help me.
00:31:36Somebody help me.
00:31:37Bring him.
00:31:39Somebody.
00:31:41Not like that, you idiot.
00:31:47Badger, go upstairs to my room and get the band-aids from my grenade drawer.
00:31:51On it.
00:31:51All right, we got to restrain him because I'm going to suck the bullet out.
00:31:54What the fuck?
00:31:55That's what you do with snake venom.
00:31:57Yeah, that doesn't sound right.
00:31:58Trust me.
00:31:58I'm a doctor.
00:31:59Really?
00:32:00If you're a doctor, let's see your badge.
00:32:03Checks out.
00:32:03Proceed, Clive.
00:32:04Okay.
00:32:06Oh, gross.
00:32:08He's vaccinated.
00:32:11Nobody call that.
00:32:12You want one, please.
00:32:14I got it.
00:32:15It's okay.
00:32:16I'll take care of you, all right?
00:32:19No.
00:32:20It's okay.
00:32:21It's just enough to ease the pain.
00:32:22How about we make our own exit wound?
00:32:24I'm going to push the bullet all the way through.
00:32:28Wait, wait.
00:32:28What is happening?
00:32:29What does it look like we're making an exit wound?
00:32:32Let me try.
00:32:34Oh, shit.
00:32:35Sorry, sorry.
00:32:35I'm right at the back here.
00:32:40Okay.
00:32:41All right.
00:32:42Okay.
00:32:43Okay.
00:32:44That was satisfying.
00:32:47Everything's going to be fine.
00:32:49Woo.
00:32:51Oh, fuck my finger.
00:32:55Clio.
00:32:55Clio.
00:32:58Clio.
00:32:58Clio.
00:32:59Clio.
00:33:00Clio.
00:33:01Clio.
00:33:02Clio.
00:33:03She must have just bought it.
00:33:04I swear, I didn't know.
00:33:05Well, now they know.
00:33:06Oh, easy.
00:33:07Easy.
00:33:07He's pretty dazed.
00:33:10Run.
00:33:11Run.
00:33:11Run.
00:33:11Run!
00:33:12Go!
00:33:14Go!
00:33:28Go!
00:33:28Go!
00:33:29Go!
00:33:29Go!
00:33:29Go!
00:33:31Go!
00:33:32Fuck my finger.
00:33:34I think I just pissed my pants.
00:33:36Are we being followed?
00:33:37I don't know.
00:33:37I can't tell without any sign for you mirrors.
00:33:41Shit.
00:33:42Is that them?
00:33:43Think so?
00:33:44Good thing I called shotgun.
00:33:46Well, what the fuck are you doing, Danny?
00:33:48Calm down.
00:33:48It's okay, all right?
00:33:50I'm just going to shoot out the tires.
00:33:51No blood shall be spilled this day.
00:33:54I mean, no additional blood.
00:33:57God damn it!
00:33:58Clio, this one's busted, too!
00:34:00No, doy.
00:34:00Why do you think it was in the parking, BF?
00:34:02Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
00:34:03What do we do, man?
00:34:04The only thing we can do, we've got to get to a Taco Gary's.
00:34:07It's neutral territory.
00:34:09No member of the Coalition can do business inside of a Taco Gary's restaurant.
00:34:12Can you please let me out of the car?
00:34:13It's the truth, non-believer.
00:34:15When the Coalition was founded, fights broke out for tickets off-world.
00:34:18The Head Elders declared their favorite restaurant, Taco Gary's, as a safe zone.
00:34:22Violators of the safe zone had their eyes melted, and their souls sold on the Galactic Slave Market.
00:34:28It's not that bad. He's exaggerating.
00:34:31The Galactic Slave Market closed about seven years ago.
00:34:33Okay, just keep going straight. I think there's one just over Geremani Ridge.
00:34:36Copy that.
00:34:46The
00:34:56Hey, come here, come here.
00:34:59Come here.
00:35:11Danny.
00:35:12It's okay.
00:35:13Stop staring.
00:35:14We're safe.
00:35:14For now.
00:35:15I say for now, but how the heck are we gonna get out of here alive?
00:35:23I don't know.
00:35:23Are you guys sure she wants to kill us?
00:35:25Mm-hmm.
00:35:26What she wants is what I stole, and she'll happily string us up by her testicles to get it.
00:35:30And your vagina.
00:35:31Sorry.
00:35:32You should go before you're implicated any further.
00:35:35You could shove that idea, because I'm going with you guys.
00:35:38All the way to Ottawa.
00:35:40I gotta see this thing through, buddy.
00:35:41No, I can't be responsible for another soul, Kyle.
00:35:44Oh, but this guy gets to go?
00:35:46This useless piece of this guy?
00:35:48No way.
00:35:49Probably couldn't shoot a pheasant out of the sky with a sightless crossbow.
00:35:52But you know who can?
00:35:54Cash Israel.
00:35:56Yeah.
00:35:56You're not friends with him, are you?
00:35:57Yes, I am.
00:35:58You guys are talking.
00:35:59Yeah, we're talking and we're tight.
00:36:00And he told me one thing.
00:36:02He said, I'm gonna teach you everything I know, pal.
00:36:04And then he gave me a kiss on the cheek.
00:36:06Look, what I have here is worth 27.7 million USD.
00:36:11I cannot be responsible for another soul, Kyle.
00:36:16Fine.
00:36:17I'll leave.
00:36:19But I'm not going out without me.
00:36:23What is this?
00:36:26It's not friggin' heavy.
00:36:28What the?
00:36:29It's bolted.
00:36:37Fine.
00:36:41Goddammit.
00:36:43Okay.
00:36:45Clio's alive.
00:36:47Well, what are you doing?
00:36:48Jesus.
00:36:48Are you that unaware?
00:36:50I am done with all of this.
00:36:52I'm taking whatever he's stolen.
00:36:53I'm calling the police.
00:36:54You can't do that.
00:36:55What about getting to Ottawa on time, huh?
00:36:57If I stay with you, I'll probably never make it out.
00:36:59Do my fucking thing.
00:37:00Go.
00:37:00Hey!
00:37:02Did you take something out of here?
00:37:04Huh?
00:37:05No.
00:37:08What the fuck?
00:37:13Ugh!
00:37:14You truce-breaking fuck!
00:37:16What happened to Taco Gary's piece?
00:37:18I beg your pardon?
00:37:19Don't play dumb with me.
00:37:21I know you're a member of the Coalition.
00:37:22Danny!
00:37:23Danny!
00:37:29No, no, Kyle!
00:37:31No!
00:37:31No, no, no, no, no, no!
00:37:32Fuck!
00:37:33Fuck!
00:37:36Goddammit!
00:37:37I swear to God, I'm going to rip off his fucking head, shove it up his ass, and fuck-
00:37:41Shut up!
00:37:45Listen to me very closely.
00:37:48You're fucking insane.
00:37:49Why?
00:37:51Why?
00:37:51No, there is no but, asshole.
00:37:53Wow.
00:37:54I can't believe my own brother's turning against me, too.
00:37:57Of course you can't believe it, because it's the truth.
00:37:59Look at me.
00:37:59I have been shot and stabbed and drugged and fucking kidnapped all in the last 16 hours.
00:38:04I know this sounds crazy, but it's still all part of the plan, okay?
00:38:07I don't like seeing you like this.
00:38:08You know how hard it is to be-
00:38:09Oh my God, are you actually trying to play the victim right now?
00:38:11Seriously, you have got to be the most selfishly, psychotic fuck-up on the entire planet!
00:38:18And I am not going to let you ruin my life anymore!
00:38:21Wait, no, you can't go.
00:38:23This whole trip is about you.
00:38:26Mom and Dad were right to cut you out of their lives.
00:38:30And my only regret is that I didn't do the same.
00:38:35You are what's wrong with this world, Danny.
00:38:39Never contact me again.
00:38:45You coming?
00:38:49Come on, Allison.
00:38:51You are clearly a smart person.
00:38:53If you want some excitement in your life, just buy your Vespa.
00:38:55It's a lot safer than all this!
00:39:04I'm gonna stay with Danny.
00:39:08Okay!
00:39:10Okay!
00:39:11Am I the last same person left in this entire country?!
00:39:16Okay!
00:39:17Okay!
00:39:18It's okay.
00:39:19Just let him cool off a little bit.
00:39:20He ain't going far.
00:39:21You want a burrito?
00:39:22I'm starving.
00:39:24Okay.
00:39:25Oh, yeah.
00:39:31Okay.
00:39:37Oh, yeah.
00:39:43Okay.
00:39:43Excuse me.
00:39:44Hey, can I use your phone?
00:39:46I'm not allowed to let customers use the phone.
00:39:49Use your own damn phone.
00:39:50Oh, great.
00:39:51Well, that is a very good idea, except it has been stolen, hence why I'm asking to borrow
00:39:55yours.
00:39:56Customs aren't allowed.
00:39:57Well, it's an emergency.
00:39:58What kind of emergency?
00:39:59Well, I have been kidnapped and shot, for one.
00:40:02You've been shot?
00:40:03You think I'm dumb?
00:40:05This motherfucker.
00:40:07Would it help if I told you that my fiance's dog has been kidnapped by a one-eyed Portuguese
00:40:10man and I need to tell the police about it?
00:40:13Of course.
00:40:26911, what's your emergency?
00:40:27Yes, hello, hi.
00:40:28My name is Luke Davenport and I have been kidnapped by my brother Danny Davenport.
00:40:32I believe he is wanted or maybe we both are, but I am the victim here.
00:40:36I was the one who was kidnapped and I have been drugged and I have been shot and-
00:40:40One moment, please.
00:40:45So, what brings you out here?
00:40:48Were you not listening?
00:40:49Oh.
00:40:50The dog got right.
00:40:52Is your brother currently with you?
00:40:54No, he is not.
00:40:55What's your location?
00:40:57Hey, what's the name of this place?
00:40:59Huh?
00:41:00What's that?
00:41:01Where are we?
00:41:04You know, if anything happens to my little Ruff Ruff, I'll do the same.
00:41:08I don't-
00:41:13I'll do your fucking head.
00:41:15I'll do your fucking head.
00:41:16I'll do your fucking head.
00:41:16I'll do your fucking head.
00:41:16Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I'm on your side.
00:41:18Oh, man, man, man, man, man, your side.
00:41:20I don't even sound like that.
00:41:21Come on.
00:41:22Oh.
00:41:23What the fuck is that?
00:41:23Sir, that's my penis.
00:41:25Wow.
00:41:25Very nice.
00:41:26It's very nice.
00:41:28What's wrong with that?
00:41:28What's happening there?
00:41:29What?
00:41:29No.
00:41:29You don't understand.
00:41:30I would take it against my will.
00:41:31I-
00:41:32Shut the fuck up.
00:41:35It's Danny that you want, and I can tell you where he's going.
00:41:38You think I'm done?
00:41:40Ah, he's going to Ottawa, him and your other accomplice.
00:41:43The kooky guy with the beautiful hair.
00:41:44They are not my accomplices.
00:41:47So you do think I'm done?
00:41:48Okay.
00:41:49That's how we're gonna play?
00:41:50No, listen, I just, I just, I need to talk to a lawyer, okay?
00:41:52I do get one phone call.
00:41:53Oh, my friend, that is what you're on.
00:41:55You see, I'm not the police, and you don't get to call nobody.
00:42:00What?
00:42:01Yeah!
00:42:10What's up, man?
00:42:11What?
00:42:12What?
00:42:13What's up, man?
00:42:13What's up, man?
00:42:13What?
00:42:15What?
00:42:26What?
00:42:35What is this place?
00:42:37My summer bomb shelter, of course.
00:42:40Jason Biggs.
00:42:41What?
00:42:42Were you expecting Todd Simmons or something?
00:42:44Uh-oh!
00:42:46That was good.
00:42:47Oh, my goodness.
00:42:47That was fantastic.
00:42:51You're supposed to be dead.
00:42:52God, you look terrible, buddy.
00:42:54Tiago, did you offer him a drink?
00:42:55I did not.
00:42:55What about some mango?
00:42:56I could slice one up for you.
00:42:58I'm okay.
00:43:00What do you think, Tiago?
00:43:01Should we, like, tie him up or something?
00:43:03Is that a good idea?
00:43:03No, it's really whatever you feel, Jason.
00:43:05I don't know, Tiago.
00:43:06That's why I was asking you.
00:43:08Do we even have rope?
00:43:09Oh, we have rope.
00:43:10Come on.
00:43:10Okay, great.
00:43:10Then we might as well use it.
00:43:12Right?
00:43:12Mm-hmm.
00:43:13Maybe some duct tape for his mouth?
00:43:15Huh?
00:43:15How's that look?
00:43:17Perfect.
00:43:17Great.
00:43:18Well done, Tiago.
00:43:19Go have yourself some mango.
00:43:21Hey, man.
00:43:21I don't want to be rude, but I'm kind of, like, up to here with mangoes for today.
00:43:31Suit yourself.
00:43:33Lots of good mangoes not being taken advantage of.
00:43:35Sure.
00:43:36So, you are probably wondering, why haven't we shot you in the face yet?
00:43:41Mm-hmm.
00:43:42It's because we need your brother, the criminal, formerly known as Sheriff Deacon Shrimp.
00:43:49You see, I am the victim here, okay?
00:43:53Sure.
00:43:54Myself and thousands of others may be faking our death in order to, well, I'm sure you know
00:44:00all that.
00:44:04What's that?
00:44:10Do you get...
00:44:10What?
00:44:11Just one more time.
00:44:14This is making me so uncomfortable.
00:44:16This whole, like, you know, tied up interrogation vibe, it makes me feel like the bad guy.
00:44:20And you're not the bad guy.
00:44:21Exactly.
00:44:21You are the victim.
00:44:23Let's scale it back.
00:44:24Let's scale it back.
00:44:24Yeah, a little bit.
00:44:25Scaling it back.
00:44:25Okay.
00:44:31Nope.
00:44:32Oh, okay.
00:44:34How does this look, Tiago?
00:44:36Yeah, you know, it looks like two guys just casually enjoying mangoes.
00:44:40Perfect.
00:44:41Perfect.
00:44:42Okay, great.
00:44:42Great.
00:44:43Now, where was I?
00:44:44Ah, yes.
00:44:45The point is, I am not hurting anyone.
00:44:49But if I don't have my ticket, this whole charade would be for naught.
00:44:54Right?
00:44:54Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:44:55Right.
00:44:56So, I need you to contact your brother and explain the situation.
00:45:00What is the situation?
00:45:01That I'm being held hostage?
00:45:04Hold up.
00:45:05Whoa.
00:45:06Wait a minute.
00:45:07Stop that.
00:45:08Yikes.
00:45:09Whew, big word.
00:45:09No, that's, uh, ooh, that word.
00:45:11And again, I am not the bad guy.
00:45:15Okay?
00:45:15You know what?
00:45:17Yep.
00:45:17Tiago?
00:45:18Yep.
00:45:18Bring the ropes back.
00:45:20Okay.
00:45:21Much better.
00:45:22Much better.
00:45:23Now, you need to inform your brother that he has 24 hours to find that Kyle friend of his.
00:45:29Uh, it's, it's Klyle.
00:45:32What?
00:45:32His name is Klyle.
00:45:34Are you, like, stuttering?
00:45:35Or is...
00:45:35No, it's Klyle.
00:45:37Klyle?
00:45:38With, uh, the Nell song?
00:45:39Yeah.
00:45:40Oh.
00:45:40K-L?
00:45:41Y-L-E.
00:45:42Oh.
00:45:43Stupid name.
00:45:44Yeah.
00:45:44That does explain, though, why he's been so difficult to track.
00:45:47He got you.
00:45:48Yeah.
00:45:48Very clever.
00:45:49Very clever.
00:45:50Regardless.
00:45:51You need to facilitate returning what is rightfully mine.
00:45:56Or...
00:45:57This dog gets it.
00:45:59Who?
00:45:59Whose dog is that?
00:46:01Lives are on the line here!
00:46:04Don't make Tiago become the bad guy.
00:46:06I'll do it, but I don't want to.
00:46:07Daddy doesn't even have a cell phone.
00:46:09There's literally no way to contact him.
00:46:10Oh, well, in that case, Tiago...
00:46:12Bye-bye, puppy.
00:46:12No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:46:14I just remembered.
00:46:15He gave me this.
00:46:19Damn it.
00:46:20Oopsie.
00:46:20Tiago?
00:46:21Yeah?
00:46:23Did we not frisk him?
00:46:24I did.
00:46:25I did, Jason.
00:46:25I swear.
00:46:26It's just I got super distracted by his massive amount of foreskin, man.
00:46:30It was like tickling a sharp pain, man.
00:46:32You could feel all that?
00:46:33Dude, you can see it!
00:46:35Oh, my God.
00:46:36Wow.
00:46:37You can see it.
00:46:38Yeah.
00:46:39Very nice.
00:46:40What is it?
00:46:41I don't know.
00:46:41He told me it's like a locating beacon for if we ever get separated.
00:46:47This is obviously just a black Rubik's Cube.
00:46:50Well, I see what's happening.
00:46:51You think we're dumb.
00:46:52No, no, no.
00:46:52No, no, no.
00:46:53Nope.
00:46:54No.
00:46:54Not at all.
00:46:56I know my tech, and that is definitely some elder high tech right there.
00:47:00Okay, fine.
00:47:02How does it work, smart guy?
00:47:03What?
00:47:04I don't know.
00:47:08What if I just like twist it?
00:47:10Good thinking.
00:47:10Great.
00:47:11You too.
00:47:12Third . . . .
00:47:36Born a worm, spins a cocoon, goes to sleep, wakes up a butterfly.
00:47:45Oh, what the fuck is that about?
00:47:50What the fuck is that about?
00:48:10There's Mr. Sleepyhead.
00:48:12What happened?
00:48:14I don't know.
00:48:14You were just having one crazy-ass nightmare or something.
00:48:17I'm just kidding.
00:48:18Jason Biggs really did kidnap you.
00:48:20I figured you'd wander off at some point and get snagged by one of his minions,
00:48:24so the beacon I gave you was actually an Elder's stun grenade.
00:48:29What the fuck is going on?
00:48:34I haven't been completely honest with you.
00:48:36Oh, shit!
00:48:37The police aren't the only ones that are after me.
00:48:39I had in my possession extremely classified information,
00:48:42proof that aliens not only exist,
00:48:44but have been living amongst us since the 1996 Summer Olympics.
00:48:51You just had your first run-in with a member of the Coalition.
00:48:54They're a group of tech giants and celebrities and politicians
00:48:57who have been secretly dealing with said extraterrestrial beings.
00:49:00we call them elders, selling Earth's natural resources for decades.
00:49:09The Coalition agreed to let the elders suck the Earth dry under two conditions.
00:49:14One, that they would provide space shuttles to go to a new habitable world,
00:49:17and two, that they'd get 10% of the back end.
00:49:24Why do you think so many rich and famous people have been dying at such a rapid pace these last
00:49:28few years?
00:49:29Take Jason Biggs, for instance.
00:49:30It's because they're not dying.
00:49:31They're covering up for the fact that they're leaving this godforsaken rock for greener pastures.
00:49:36I didn't believe it either until I saw Jason Biggs face down in a mango.
00:49:38It might be the most insane conspiracy theory on the planet,
00:49:41but if everything Danny's saying is true, then, you know, we gotta do something about it.
00:49:45I don't care.
00:49:48Stop involving me in this.
00:49:50We want to let the world know that the planet is being sold off by the Coalition.
00:49:54I don't care!
00:49:55I just want to go to Ottawa, that's it!
00:49:58We're gonna make it to Ottawa, and you're gonna get there on time.
00:50:00And once the whistle is blown, no one can touch us.
00:50:02Like Snowden and other tattletales, we'll be protected, and our names will be cleared.
00:50:06But, you're gonna have to stick with us.
00:50:08Okay, buddy?
00:50:10How do you feel about that?
00:50:20Goddamn coalition.
00:50:21We don't have time for this.
00:50:23Ooh.
00:50:35You all right?
00:50:36I just wanted a better life.
00:50:39A fresh start in a new place.
00:50:41You'll get it.
00:50:42One way or another.
00:50:44Look at what he's done to me.
00:50:48Oh, wait.
00:50:49You can't.
00:50:50Because you prefer to be blind.
00:50:54This isn't normal!
00:50:55There's no such thing as normal, Luke.
00:50:57Look, I used to have a strong narrative that I believed in.
00:51:00Like, after my mom's death and losing everything to a houseboat fire,
00:51:03I realized the only way I was gonna survive this chaotic world is
00:51:06if I just kept admitting to myself that I don't get it.
00:51:09I had to accept the absurdity.
00:51:11Except the chaos.
00:51:12Except the Todd Simmons of it all.
00:51:14Okay, thanks.
00:51:15We gotta go.
00:51:15Right now.
00:51:24Hey, boss.
00:51:25I just have, like, a couple of notes, but, like, I don't want you to take this the wrong way.
00:51:30Okay?
00:51:31Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
00:51:32Okay, sometimes I feel like we can, um, like, shorten the time between, like, talking to the people and, like,
00:51:39killing them.
00:51:40That's a good note.
00:51:41Good note.
00:51:42You know, the power that you exude when you, like, say less is wow.
00:51:47I understand what you're saying.
00:51:48I get it.
00:51:49I get it.
00:51:49Thank you, Tiago.
00:51:50What do, like, do you, though?
00:51:51Yes, Tiago.
00:51:51I said I get it.
00:51:53God.
00:51:59I have what you seek, and if you'd like to end this race, come to the following coordinates with $27
00:52:05.7 million in a large Gucci Vuitton briefcase.
00:52:09This is quiet, by the way.
00:52:11You know I don't mess around.
00:52:19I don't turn this off.
00:52:20I was not shitting.
00:52:26Did you hear that?
00:52:29No, I'm pretty far away.
00:52:30What?
00:52:31No, because I'm pretty far away.
00:52:33Okay.
00:52:35Hey, Tiago, what rhymes with 1230 a.m.?
00:52:38Phlegm.
00:52:39Phlegm.
00:52:40Okay, yeah, I can make that work.
00:52:42Oh, looks like Clio just crossed the border.
00:52:45How do you know?
00:52:46Oh, same reason I knew where Luke was.
00:52:48Microchips.
00:52:49You see, your soccer mom conspiracy theorist thinks that the government tracks us through vaccines.
00:52:53Not true.
00:52:54In fact, not even the elders have that kind of tech.
00:52:56No, it's anytime you go get your teeth cleaned or a cavity filled, the dentists inject you with microchips.
00:53:01So you're saying all dentists are actually undercover government agents?
00:53:04Contractors, yes.
00:53:05Think about it.
00:53:05I mean, have you ever met a dentist that doesn't seem like they're hiding some horrible secret?
00:53:09The answer is no.
00:53:11So, what's our plan for crossing, Badger?
00:53:13Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:53:37I haven't been completely honest with you, Danny.
00:53:40Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:53:42What do you mean?
00:53:49I mean...
00:53:51The subterranean bobsled track that was big enough to smuggle cars to collapse last fall.
00:53:54We're going to have to pass our cross by 11 using a basic diversion tactic.
00:53:57From 3 p.m. to 5 p.m., there are only two agents stopping us from getting across.
00:53:59From there, it's a straight shot to Highway 34.
00:54:01God damn it!
00:54:03So your subterranean bobsled track, that's like a Canadian version of an underground railroad...
00:54:08Shut up!
00:54:08It would have been perfect, no matter.
00:54:10So, uh, what's your diversion plan?
00:54:12I'll leave that up to you, but it's got to be big.
00:54:14Um, afterwards, meet up at these coordinates just north of the border.
00:54:17Copy that.
00:54:18Roger.
00:54:19Over and out.
00:54:20These days, it's hard to hold anyone's attention, so it's got to make as little sense as possible.
00:54:24We need to make a few stops.
00:54:38Woo!
00:54:38Well, that went smoothly.
00:54:41Okay, according to Clio's teeth, he's just off the main road by Big Mountain Crest.
00:54:45Aren't you going to even ask me how I made it look like I sucked the blood out of that
00:54:47live chicken without actually having...
00:54:51Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
00:55:02ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
00:55:04ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
00:55:05ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
00:55:07ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
00:55:08ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
00:55:17What happened? Is that rhetorical or can you actually not see? Both.
00:55:32I can tell by Clio's teeth. He's still alive. We just have to follow his tracks.
00:55:37You can see here he was dragged off by several people or one person who was really good at breakdancing.
00:55:43We'll go with the former.
00:55:49You okay bud? Oh yeah I'm totally cool man. I know that look. You look like you're about to have
00:55:55a psychotic break.
00:55:57Right again Danny? You've actually been right about a lot lately. But?
00:56:01No there's no but man. You're fucking Galileo. You're the boy with the wolf.
00:56:06In fact I can't believe I'm about to say this after everything that you put me through but I am
00:56:11sorry for ever doubting you.
00:56:13You clearly know more about how the world works than I do. Like I would give you a hug right
00:56:18now if I could but you know.
00:56:19Meh.
00:56:20Well that's so sweet.
00:56:22I'm glad you finally came around.
00:56:24Yeah.
00:56:27Aw love you man.
00:56:29Love you too.
00:56:32Fuck!
00:56:33No no no!
00:56:34Back off! Back off!
00:56:35Fuck!
00:56:36I am Cops! I am B-Cops! I'm the only one who's talking!
00:56:38No no no no!
00:56:39Fuck!
00:56:40Oh that's better.
00:56:42Ow! What are you doing?
00:56:43Oh my!
00:56:43Ah!
00:56:45Oh!
00:56:46Stop!
00:56:47Stop!
00:56:49Fuck!
00:56:49Stop!
00:56:50Jesus Christ!
00:56:51Back off me eyes.
00:56:52Please look at me!
00:56:52You look at me! You can't even see!
00:56:54You can't see any of this!
00:56:55Get the fucking glasses!
00:56:56What the fuck!
00:56:57Okay enough!
00:56:58Fuck!
00:57:00Ah!
00:57:01Ow!
00:57:01Fuck! I did too much! Give me one more!
00:57:03Ah! Yeah we're even!
00:57:04Okay!
00:57:08Wait! What about our deal?
00:57:10I'm dealing with this!
00:57:11Hey! A deal is a deal!
00:57:12We signed the contract at Taco Gary's Waka Poli Picante!
00:57:14I did my part!
00:57:15Hey!
00:57:16Take your damn ticket!
00:57:19Wait up!
00:57:21Good luck!
00:57:24Got the golden ticket!
00:57:27I'm not mad bro!
00:57:28I'm proud of you for taking the initiative!
00:57:30You don't need me anymore!
00:57:31Let me go!
00:57:32There's no point in leaving Luke!
00:57:35I haven't been completely honest with you!
00:57:38There is no job in Ottawa!
00:57:40Nice try! Go fuck yourself!
00:57:42There's not!
00:57:42I made the whole thing up!
00:57:44It's not gonna work!
00:57:45Alright!
00:57:46If you don't believe me!
00:57:47Take the name of that new dinosaur!
00:57:50Snomastot!
00:57:50And spell it backwards!
00:57:53As if!
00:57:53That's!
00:57:54That's the stupidest thing ever!
00:58:02No!
00:58:04No!
00:58:04Yeah!
00:58:05No!
00:58:05Yeah!
00:58:06Yeah, yeah!
00:58:06Yeah!
00:58:06Yeah, yeah!
00:58:06It spells Todd Simmons!
00:58:08Doesn't it?
00:58:10I'm sorry brother!
00:58:11But the ends justify the beans!
00:58:13Okay?
00:58:13This is for your own good!
00:58:17it was you this whole time the months of emails and the calls the fucking femur bump yeah it was
00:58:31a lot of work but I knew it was the only way to safely get you to Ottawa why do
00:58:37you hate me so
00:58:38much I don't hate you I love you and it doesn't change anything whether you like it or not I'm
00:58:45the
00:58:45one that got you into this mess and I'm the only one who could get you out so we have
00:58:48to stick
00:58:48together all right look feel free to punch me I deserve it come on let me have it I can't
00:58:52feel
00:58:52my face anyway
00:59:10come on bro I'm sorry just let me explain everything all right
00:59:20Clile you dirty piece of shit I know exactly what happened here he's trying to give the
00:59:26prize back to the coalition but got taken instead the backstabber becomes the backstab stabby got
00:59:33stabbed in the back guy if he only knew that money would be completely worthless in two weeks
00:59:38anyways Jason Biggs he's trying to never mind
00:59:54yeah there you go okay very hostage hey hey look at me no look at me I'm not the bad
01:00:00guy okay I'm as
01:00:01much of a victim as you are you think I want to be here I don't want to be doing
01:00:05this neither do I
01:00:06that's why I'm out of here oh shit what is he doing I believe he's trying to kick us
01:00:13and that's why you never take martial arts lessons from cash Israel it's all leg sweeps
01:00:18okay Marco follow okay now go over there and say
01:00:24Marco follow okay now go over there
01:00:26follow follow into you how long do we let you get in my way
01:00:29sweep what is he doing
01:00:31axe kick
01:00:33I need a break
01:00:33hey hey let me get
01:00:35yeah that was really fun hey come
01:00:37okay let's lay down over there
01:00:38yeah rest area just watch the knees watch the knees
01:00:41yeah yeah I got you
01:00:54yes they don't have it yet
01:00:55hold my way okay wait a minute remember when Clio was talking about a secret smuggling
01:01:00compartment under the minivan passenger seat
01:01:01oh shit it killed him yes it has to be there
01:01:04come on
01:01:08come on bro
01:01:12she's stranded us here
01:01:13I should have known better
01:01:15it's like Todd Simmons always said
01:01:17Danny
01:01:17hang on
01:01:19hang on
01:01:21I think it's in here
01:01:22I got it
01:01:23I got it
01:01:24I found it
01:01:25I got it
01:01:26I don't care
01:01:26well you should care
01:01:27this is probably the most important thing that you'll ever
01:01:30clap
01:01:30clap
01:01:30oh shit
01:01:35sir
01:01:36can I have a hug
01:01:37sir can I just please have one hug
01:01:44sorry man
01:01:46oh
01:01:48let's do this
01:01:48how many times did you drink me again
01:01:50I don't know like five
01:01:51I need a bump
01:01:53of coke
01:01:54oh dear
01:01:56you're going to be kidding me
01:02:03come on
01:02:04come on
01:02:20oh
01:02:20oh
01:02:20oh
01:02:21oh
01:02:21dude
01:02:21okay
01:02:22oh
01:02:23fuck
01:02:23no
01:02:24okay
01:02:25oh
01:02:25god
01:02:26Too many fucking pedals.
01:02:29Okay.
01:02:30This is work.
01:02:32Fuck.
01:02:37No, leave me alone.
01:02:46Hang on, dude.
01:03:05All right.
01:03:06No.
01:03:07No.
01:03:09No.
01:03:12No.
01:03:13No.
01:03:13No.
01:03:15No.
01:03:17Welcome back to Taco Gary's.
01:03:19No.
01:03:21No.
01:03:23No.
01:03:29It's always nothing about the fiesta at Taco Gary's, so eat up if there's no tomorrow.
01:03:35Okay.
01:03:37Okay, buddy.
01:03:38Wakey, wakey.
01:03:39Ah!
01:03:40Woo!
01:03:41Mmm!
01:03:42It's okay.
01:03:43It's okay.
01:03:43You're safe now.
01:03:44What happened?
01:03:44Where are we?
01:03:45Are we in the shuttle?
01:03:45No, we're at Taco Gary's.
01:03:46You passed out.
01:03:48Oh, really?
01:03:48Yeah.
01:03:49That doesn't sound like me.
01:03:50I must have been trying to teach you a valuable life lesson or something.
01:03:53Hey, guys.
01:03:54I gotta say, this has been a blast.
01:03:57Really.
01:03:57All the chasing and the shooting.
01:03:59Wow.
01:04:00How fun.
01:04:01Okay, it has had its moments.
01:04:03Come on.
01:04:03Yeah, it has had.
01:04:04We've been having a great time.
01:04:05What was your favorite?
01:04:06Like the...
01:04:07Uh, Marco Polo was funny.
01:04:08That was really funny.
01:04:09Yeah.
01:04:09Watching him run around, he was like...
01:04:11He thought there were like six of you.
01:04:12Yeah, I wasn't.
01:04:12It was great.
01:04:14Anyway, please hand it over.
01:04:15Oh, you want it?
01:04:17Okay, listen.
01:04:18This motherfucker.
01:04:19We are aware...
01:04:20Okay, shh, shh, shh, shh.
01:04:21We are aware of the Taco Gary's truce, but you're going to have to leave eventually if
01:04:25you want to catch that shuttle.
01:04:26Oh, really?
01:04:27So you could kill us, too?
01:04:28If you just hand over the ticket, we will let bygones be bygones.
01:04:32You blew my best friend's head off.
01:04:35He said you were just associates.
01:04:36No, we were best...
01:04:39Actually, you know what?
01:04:40I never really liked the guy.
01:04:41Hey, guys.
01:04:42Look me in the eyeball.
01:04:43Right here, okay?
01:04:44Last chance to save your skins.
01:04:45Please just fucking hand it over.
01:04:47Yeah, just give it back to him, baby.
01:04:48No.
01:04:49Fuck you, Jason Biggs, and your Portuguese Popeye.
01:04:52Super rude.
01:04:52People need to know about this.
01:04:53Why?
01:04:54So they can pretend to know what's best for humanity?
01:04:56Please.
01:04:58Leave that to us celebrities.
01:05:00Yeah, and celebrity-adjacent people.
01:05:01No.
01:05:02You talked about this to me.
01:05:03Just celebrities.
01:05:04Sorry, I did it again.
01:05:05That is enough.
01:05:07Oh, my goodness.
01:05:10What's this now?
01:05:12It's a pesticide elder.
01:05:13A what?
01:05:13A fucking alien, dude.
01:05:1613 days remain to try the taco dairy.
01:05:19Chaos no deal.
01:05:27You two.
01:05:28Stand up.
01:05:29Your majesty, these are the ones that have...
01:05:31Silence, unless you would like to ejaculate guacamole picante.
01:05:35What?
01:05:36I can make any human secrete guacamole picante from any orifice.
01:05:40Behold.
01:05:42Oh.
01:05:45Oh.
01:05:46Fuck.
01:05:48See?
01:05:49What do you want, you conquistador?
01:05:53Clever.
01:05:55Follow me.
01:05:56Daniel.
01:05:57Lucas.
01:05:59We travel by Silver Sonic.
01:06:02No one would suspect the master race of the galaxy to drive a spacious yet affordable compact sedan.
01:06:07A great cover with a great turning radius.
01:06:10A great cover with a great turning radius.
01:06:10Let's just get to the point.
01:06:11Ah, yes.
01:06:12I have been following you two for some time now.
01:06:14Maybe.
01:06:15Lucas.
01:06:16You want to expose us.
01:06:17Oh, yeah, we do.
01:06:18Oh, this can't be.
01:06:20Oh, why is...
01:06:21A galactic super race interested in Earth?
01:06:23I will soon show you.
01:06:25Trust me, Luke, you don't want to know.
01:06:26No, no, no.
01:06:27He should know the whole truth.
01:06:30We are here for the same reason why your people invade...
01:06:33well, anywhere.
01:06:35Oil.
01:06:35For fuck's sakes!
01:06:37Yes, it is true. Every planet in the galaxy runs on oil.
01:06:41Told you, Luke. It's fucking bonkers.
01:06:44We are currently collecting the last of your earthly reserves.
01:06:46Once our extraction is complete, we plan on exterminating all life on this planet.
01:06:52Why?!
01:06:53Dead organic material mixes with other sediment when buried.
01:06:56Over millions of years, under high pressure and high temperature,
01:07:00the remains of these organisms transform into what we know as fossil fuels.
01:07:05By exterminating all life, we are simply creating a new oil reserve
01:07:09to be harvested in 16 million years, which to an elder is not long at all.
01:07:14We did the same process with the organisms you call dinosaurs.
01:07:18You killed the dinosaurs? Literally my one and only interest?
01:07:23Told you you weren't ready.
01:07:24No, no, no, no. This doesn't make any sense,
01:07:27because if you can fly through space and live for millions of years,
01:07:29then why don't you just synthesize your own fucking oil?
01:07:31Well, it is very political.
01:07:34Too many jobs would be lost by transitioning to greener hypercoils.
01:07:38Fucking unions.
01:07:39However, we are not barbarian invaders.
01:07:42Therefore, we have made a deal with your chieftains.
01:07:44In exchange for the oil and destruction of all life,
01:07:48we have allowed for passage to a brand-new planet development
01:07:51in the Midwestern Milky Way.
01:07:54I think I'm gonna throw up.
01:07:58Was it something I said?
01:08:00Uh, yeah. It's everything you said.
01:08:03Listen, human. We elders are not without our empathy.
01:08:08I feel your plight and your anguish.
01:08:13Cool.
01:08:14You'll be glad to know that I will be asking our board of directors
01:08:17for a 100-year delay in humanity's destruction.
01:08:20100 years?
01:08:21Yes. All you must do is continue to keep our existence a secret.
01:08:27Why? I wasn't sworn to anything. I'm not part of the coalition.
01:08:30You are now.
01:08:46Fuck it.
01:08:47And I will transfer the $27.7 million into your bank account immediately.
01:08:53Was that all?
01:08:54You're forgetting one thing.
01:08:56Ah, yes. I will also free these squid people underneath Santa Fe, New Mexico.
01:09:01Great. I gotta hand it to you.
01:09:03I was not expecting this from a smug alien fuck like yourself,
01:09:07but you got yourself a deal.
01:09:09Fantastic. Now we seal the agreement with a simple genital cupping.
01:09:13Of course we do. Fucking weirdos.
01:09:17They're a little higher.
01:09:19Oh, Jesus.
01:09:23Come now.
01:09:31Ow.
01:09:33Oh, dear luck.
01:09:36There. Happy now?
01:09:38We got all the proof that you need and then we can just return the whatever the fuck to Jason
01:09:42and...
01:09:42What the fuck are you doing, you idiot? We were just about to...
01:09:46Actually, you know what? Fuck it. It's better this way. Come on, let's go.
01:09:48What about the alien?
01:09:51Oh, yeah. Uh...
01:09:54I haven't been completely honest with you.
01:09:56Oh, damn it.
01:09:57The plan was never to reveal them to the world or blow any whistles, okay?
01:10:01Then why are you doing all of this? What is the point? Why did I just assault a freaking alien?
01:10:07I didn't tell you to do that!
01:10:08Look, whatever. The world's about to end and the shuttle's leaving today, so forget this thing and it's a two
01:10:13-headed dick. Come on.
01:10:25Please, answer the question. Why are you trying to fuck me over so hard? Why am I here?
01:10:31I told you, the shuttle is here.
01:10:32What shuttle?
01:10:35Fuck!
01:10:37Bingo bongo.
01:10:38Oh, it's the ID confirmed. Welcome.
01:10:41The entrance to the spaceport is around here somewhere.
01:10:43I'm 99.7% sure this is where the elders first made contact.
01:10:46This is where they had their first Taco Gary's taco. It has to be here.
01:10:49It could look like anything. It could be tiny, it could be invisible, it definitely won't look like a door.
01:11:20Is this it?
01:11:26Yes, yes, good eye, yes, come on.
01:11:32Come on.
01:11:37There, there, there.
01:11:43Don't go!
01:11:47Don't go!
01:11:52Oh, shit.
01:11:54Hm?
01:12:00Welcome to the Taco Gary's Interstellar Spaceport, located in beautiful, Aljua, birthplace of the bingo bongo burrito.
01:12:10Don't forget to ask your flight attendant about Taco Gary's, they also DM with our famous walking song.
01:12:17It's always fun to be here, so that you don't care.
01:12:21So eat up, like there's no tomorrow.
01:12:24Luke, I haven't been completely honest with you.
01:12:28Yeah, I know that.
01:12:30No, but you don't know why.
01:12:31The reason I haven't been completely honest with you until this exact moment is because you'd never believe it all
01:12:36at once.
01:12:38It's fair.
01:12:38When I found out that we only had a couple weeks left, I knew I had to get you on
01:12:42the last shuttle out of here.
01:12:43And I know, I've done nothing but lie to you.
01:12:46But if there was ever a time for you to trust me, it's right now.
01:12:51So you're gonna take this ticket, and you're gonna get on that shuttle.
01:12:55You know why?
01:12:57Because your life depends on it.
01:13:00Take it.
01:13:01But it's my ticket.
01:13:02It was meant for me.
01:13:04You are not seeming to grasp the complaint here.
01:13:07Present it and you may board.
01:13:08It was stolen!
01:13:09Oh, that's too bad.
01:13:10Possession may be nine-tenths of the law for humans.
01:13:12It is 100% for elders.
01:13:14We do not have laws against stealing.
01:13:16What? Why not?
01:13:17Because we do not steal.
01:13:18Duh.
01:13:19Every elder has what he slash she slash needs.
01:13:22And it's portable gasoline.
01:13:24What was that?
01:13:24What was that?
01:13:25What?
01:13:26To the excess what?
01:13:27Look, this isn't fair, okay?
01:13:29I faked my own death already!
01:13:31I'm sorry.
01:13:31But no ticket.
01:13:32No boarding.
01:13:33Jason, look!
01:13:36Go, go, go, go!
01:13:40Next.
01:13:40Attention all passengers.
01:13:42The shuttle will be boarding in seven minutes.
01:13:44But what about you?
01:13:45Don't worry about me.
01:13:46You've done enough of that in your life.
01:13:47Okay?
01:13:48This is me returning the favor.
01:13:49No, no.
01:13:50Because if all that were true, then why me, man?
01:13:54And why not, like, a doctor or even a competent swimmer?
01:13:58Because you offer something that most of these self-entitled important people here don't.
01:14:03You are a good person.
01:14:06You care about your neighbors, your family.
01:14:08You make people feel good about themselves.
01:14:11Yeah, sure, the new world will need innovators and goal-driven risk-takers to keep humanity moving forward.
01:14:16But kind, delicate, good neighbors like yourself are the foundation.
01:14:22So knowing that there'll be good people like you on Earth 2.0 gives me hope.
01:14:27And that's more than enough for me.
01:14:31This is absolutely insane.
01:14:33I know it is.
01:14:34It's fucking insane.
01:14:35But I need you to embrace the chaos.
01:14:37I need you to accept the Todd Simmons of it all.
01:14:40Look, I'm asking you.
01:14:42Do you trust me?
01:14:50I can't believe I'm about to say this, but...
01:14:54Yeah.
01:14:56Cough, cough.
01:14:58I can't believe my good luck.
01:15:00Makes me wonder why I didn't just wait for you guys here.
01:15:02But alas, can't change the past.
01:15:04Anyway, this is the part of the story.
01:15:07Hey, Jason, please. Hello?
01:15:07What?
01:15:08You're doing it again, man.
01:15:09Doing what again?
01:15:10The fucking monologue we talked about.
01:15:12Sorry.
01:15:12Can I please just shoot them?
01:15:13You're right.
01:15:13Much simpler.
01:15:14No more Muslims.
01:15:14Thank you very much.
01:15:19Tiago?
01:15:20Yep, that was on me.
01:15:21So sorry.
01:15:23What the fuck, man?
01:15:30Just like...
01:15:43What are you doing now?
01:15:49What are you doing now?
01:15:51Oopsie.
01:15:52Looks like it's over, no?
01:15:55You see, we are covering the only exit.
01:15:59But tell you what, you come on out and there will be no more bloodshed.
01:16:04From this Portuguese.
01:16:05Now that, it's a Portuguese promise.
01:16:11I knew I would end one day in an office.
01:16:13What?
01:16:14Nothing.
01:16:14I have a plan.
01:16:15When I give you the signal, you run back to the space door.
01:16:19Got it?
01:16:20What about you?
01:16:20Did I tell you to stop worrying about me?
01:16:26Just...
01:16:27What the fuck?
01:16:33Bingo! Bongo!
01:16:35Get your dickes to outer space, hear?
01:16:37Hey!
01:16:40Hey, assholes!
01:16:41I have your prize!
01:16:42Come and get it!
01:16:43Jesus!
01:16:44What the fuck are you doing, you idiot?
01:16:46Come and get it, you mango-eating motherfuckers.
01:16:50Hey, Luke!
01:16:51This is the signal!
01:16:52Go, go, go!
01:16:53Luke, go run!
01:16:56Well, well, well.
01:16:58Seems to me...
01:16:59Brother, please, not another fucking monologue.
01:17:01Please.
01:17:01You're right.
01:17:02Let me just do it.
01:17:02Go ahead, go ahead.
01:17:03Thank you so much.
01:17:04Run, Luke!
01:17:10So many years got a face that's old.
01:17:14Saw the world unfold.
01:17:17And the truth be told.
01:17:19In a steadfast love.
01:17:22In a steadfast love.
01:17:36In a steadfast love.
01:17:38Oh, my God.
01:17:39That feels so satisfying.
01:17:40It looked great.
01:17:41It looked so good.
01:17:42Yeah, it looked really good.
01:17:44It's pretty good.
01:17:45Is this empty?
01:17:46Son of a...
01:17:47It's empty!
01:17:47Hey!
01:17:48What?
01:17:48That motherfuck was right there!
01:17:49Son of a...
01:17:50I want him!
01:17:51To be continued...оah!
01:18:06That's amazing!
01:18:09Good god. Good
01:18:10god. Oh,
01:18:14good god.
01:18:15Cheers. Ah... the
01:18:20boarding pass,
01:18:21please.
01:18:21I love you. I love
01:18:21I love you. Thank you,
01:18:23i know what you're thinking why don't you just go ahead and shoot me already doesn't even matter
01:18:26as the world will end in two weeks but this isn't easy for us christmas can you literally not help
01:18:31yourself with the monologue shit sorry what do you mean the world's gonna end in two weeks
01:18:37oh come on i told you this is the last shuttle i thought you figured it out already no i
01:18:42didn't
01:18:42figure it out wait are the elders destroying the earth no no no not at all thank goodness
01:18:47just all life on earth what why did you just tell me the truth man no one wants to believe
01:18:51the truth anymore you said i wouldn't inherit your fortune you still do and i have like two weeks
01:18:55to spend it 12 days technically oh you lie whoa whoa whoa tiago what are you doing buddy come on
01:19:03it's me
01:19:04jason so i wasn't completely honest with you but it was for your own good buddy i i wanted your
01:19:10last
01:19:11precious moments to be lived in blissful ignorance again i am the good guy here actually no jason
01:19:17you are not the good guy you are the bad guy you have always been the bad guy you take
01:19:24that back
01:19:25i am the hero leonardo come on help me out here thank you
01:19:32this is why you should never trust the portuguese what did you say what was it you said something
01:19:35about the portuguese no nothing no fuck you man you know how it changed for you and fuck this eye
01:19:40patch you know he told me to wear it because it would make me more intimidating well guess what
01:19:43it doesn't it doesn't this gun does new plan i'm taking the fucking ticket
01:19:50the hell what is that like supposed to be it's supposed to be uh uh give me a sec can't
01:19:57take my
01:19:58eyes off and look at it give me a second give me a sec ah but what's the significance of
01:20:03the boobs
01:20:03though it's super hypnotic but it makes no sense though wait a minute wait a minute it's not supposed to
01:20:09make any sense because it's a ruse
01:20:16fart muffin
01:20:20he shot there i know just keep running
01:20:24there's a final boarding call from the last shuttle to new earth doors will be closing momentarily
01:20:29if you do not wish to be incinerated and repurposed as fossil fuel please proceed to gate immediately
01:20:54excuse me sirs but murder is not allowed in a taco gary's
01:20:59and this port is technically on taco gary's property so you know the penalty you see why i kept
01:21:05you in the dark i see it now i'm sorry oh wow this is all your fault i know i'm
01:21:12sorry
01:21:15what's that smell i don't know
01:21:16mango oh yes mango
01:21:21oh dear welcome aboard
01:21:30oh dear
01:21:45well i came along to find a little piece of mine
01:21:50neglecting all my duties stepping off that straight line now i just sit
01:21:55for my front door wheels within the links and sounds it's like i'm watching the waves were on my brow
01:22:03look luke this is gonna be hard to hear but it's what dan expected to happen all along
01:22:09he never planned on leaving but he didn't want you to be alone
01:22:13i still don't get it
01:22:15embrace it look this is the norm luke the world is always ending things never make total sense and
01:22:21sometimes our only option is to just go with the flow it's the one thing we can control
01:22:28do you know who said that
01:22:32do you know who said that
01:22:42todd simmons
01:22:50and now you get it
01:22:56happy weeds
01:22:57oh
01:22:57oh
01:23:10oh
01:23:10oh
01:23:11oh
01:23:13oh
01:23:14La la, la la, la la la La la, la la, la la la
01:23:39Run about by the wind
01:23:41A worthless little thing
01:23:42But the world can feel the changes
01:23:44Of a butterfly's wing
01:23:46It's all that group your darned cigarette
01:23:48Rolling on your tongue
01:23:49We'll leave its weeds before your flowers yet have sprung
01:23:52Will there be weeds or wildflowers
01:23:55When you're done?
01:24:34When you're done
01:25:04When you're done
01:25:34When you're done
01:26:02When you're done
01:26:36When you're done
01:26:37When you're done
01:26:38When you're done
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