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00:16You're useless
00:36I
00:37Juggernaut of comedians crashing off Korea Mountain soon one of them will hold aloft the golden trophy depicting my
00:45Delicious face the losers will be rightly kicked from their homes and have to live in the forest like giant
00:52human rats
00:54Please welcome
01:06I
01:12To me a man who told me that he likes attending parents evenings because his middle child's form tutor is
01:19and I quote one hot piece of
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01:37Would you rather all of the fingers on one of your hands as worms? Yeah, or would you like ten
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04:01I couldn't believe this hasn't been done before.
04:05OK, here's her non-container container.
04:07Oh, yes.
04:09Yeah.
04:11I love it.
04:16It's sort of fabulous.
04:19It sort of does work, doesn't it?
04:21Yeah.
04:22Trousers are already in existence to store your legs in.
04:25It's not a huge leg.
04:27You're not storing your legs.
04:28My point is...
04:30What about storage devices, your knob?
04:33Ooh, where am I going to put these legs for the day?
04:36Very good.
04:37Thank you, Greg.
04:38Tick.
04:38Who's next?
04:39Baba.
04:40I bought a biscuit tin.
04:43Yeah.
04:46This...
04:46This thing is evil, right?
04:49Whenever you see this, you're like,
04:50Oh, my days.
04:52Biscuits.
04:52I love biscuits.
04:53I love Danish butter cookies.
04:54And then you open them.
04:56Uh-oh.
04:58It's a sorry thing.
05:00I've got bad news for you.
05:02Right.
05:02There's not a person in this room...
05:04OK.
05:05...who doesn't come from a household...
05:07...where a biscuit tin has been repurposed to store other things.
05:11LAUGHTER
05:11So, we all can agree...
05:13That...
05:14...that I've won.
05:15That it's a container...
05:17LAUGHTER
05:18...and it's commonly used as such.
05:21LAUGHTER
05:21So, I've won.
05:22You were supposed to bring in the best item for keeping things in,
05:25that isn't just a regular item for keeping things in.
05:29LAUGHTER
05:29All right.
05:29My bad.
05:30I messed up.
05:34APPLAUSE
05:39Rosie, what thing have you brought in to contain things in?
05:42Why would you ever need a bag when you have a bra?
05:50Here it is.
05:52Rosie's bra.
05:52LAUGHTER
05:56LAUGHTER
05:57APPLAUSE
05:59Is that all about a chicken rib?
06:03So, if you've got eyes, you know that I have big bazookas.
06:14LAUGHTER
06:15He hasn't stopped talking about it the whole thing.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:20LAUGHTER
06:21So, I'll take whatever I'll pop it in my bra.
06:28I've even got something in my bra right now.
06:34LAUGHTER
06:36Ah, doing a riddle.
06:38Ah!
06:38There you go!
06:40LAUGHTER
06:42APPLAUSE
06:52One left, Greg.
06:53Andy.
06:53Yes.
06:54What container have you brought in
06:55that wouldn't normally be used as a container?
06:57Er, well, Greg, I brought in a toilet.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:01Want to see it?
07:02There it is.
07:03Oh.
07:04I think we can agree that's, you know, it's a nice toilet, isn't it?
07:06It's a lovely toilet.
07:07What are you storing in it, you weirdo?
07:09LAUGHTER
07:09LAUGHTER
07:09It's a very, very flexible storage device.
07:10It's a lovely toilet.
07:10LAUGHTER
07:11It's a very, very flexible storage device.
07:13LAUGHTER
07:13Let's open her up.
07:15LAUGHTER
07:16Then, obviously, the cistern...
07:18Yep.
07:18..that's your prime storage area in your average toilet, I would say.
07:21Obviously, we've got your filing...
07:23LAUGHTER
07:25LAUGHTER
07:26LAUGHTER
07:26You've got pens, er, and, er,
07:29a model of the 19th century cricketer WG Grace.
07:31Yes, just...
07:32Just to have a...
07:33To finish with a cricket reference.
07:35Yeah, yeah.
07:35Yeah.
07:36I like it.
07:36I can score these really easily.
07:38Ready?
07:38OK, who gets one point?
07:39Who do you think?
07:40Correct!
07:41OK.
07:43LAUGHTER
07:43Jack, two points.
07:44Rosie, three points.
07:45Er, I enjoyed Andy's thing, but I just think anyone who makes an effort
07:48to design something like that...
07:50Mm-hm.
07:50..put a loaf of bread in it.
07:51She's got modelling skills.
07:52She's the full package.
07:53She gets the five points.
07:54There we are.
07:54Four to Andy, five to Emma City!
08:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:01Right, let's get going.
08:03Let's have a proper task.
08:04Oh, yes, please.
08:05Er, this one is called 5-6-7-8 by Steps.
08:09LAUGHTER
08:24Hi, Emma.
08:25Hi, hi.
08:26Pardon?
08:27Yeah, hi.
08:28Emma.
08:29Yeah.
08:29Before you start...
08:30Yeah.
08:31..please can you give me your phone and put on that hat?
08:33Give you my phone?
08:34And put on the hat.
08:35Oh.
08:36Please, can you put that hat on and give me your mobile telephone?
08:40Right.
08:42Why?
08:43I think you look good in the hat.
08:47OK.
08:48There you go.
08:49Is it a mobile?
08:51Yeah.
08:51Great.
08:53LAUGHTER
08:56Oh, that looks pretty good.
08:58Yeah.
08:59I suit hats.
09:01You really do?
09:01I'm lucky.
09:02Is it one on...?
09:03One in, one out?
09:04Oh, OK.
09:05Is that all right?
09:06Yeah.
09:08Wow.
09:08Come on.
09:09Come on, bro.
09:10This is what I'm trying to say, bro.
09:11I look good.
09:13LAUGHTER
09:15Walk exactly one furlong in exactly ten minutes.
09:21You may not make use of technology except to make three five-second phone calls.
09:28Also, you may not remove the hat.
09:35Closest to one furlong and ten minutes wins.
09:39Oh.
09:41I don't know what a furlong is.
09:44Do you know what a furlong is, Emma?
09:46No.
09:48I'm young.
09:50So, that's 600 seconds.
09:52Furlong is 220 yards.
09:54That's...
09:55That's ten cricket pitches, Alex.
09:58You don't need to be a rocket scientist to know that.
10:00LAUGHTER
10:02APPLAUSE
10:02That is a look.
10:03That is amazing, isn't it?
10:09Now, lack of self-esteem, as usual, with our contestants.
10:13Baba has spent the whole series announcing how good he looks.
10:17LAUGHTER
10:17And I'm inclined to agree.
10:19I've tried some of this positive thing.
10:20I looked at myself in my pants just this morning in the mirror
10:23and I thought, I'm going to try a Baba.
10:25Pow!
10:25When I look at it, I tried and just the word bleak came out.
10:28LAUGHTER
10:29But I like it.
10:31Let's see some stuff.
10:33They're allowed three five-second phone calls.
10:35We're going to begin with three detectives.
10:38Emma, as Inspector Clouseau, plus Detective Inspector Jack DeFrost
10:42and Lieutenant Frank Columbaba.
10:45Here we go.
10:46LAUGHTER
10:48I don't know how long a furlong is,
10:50but you said I could make three five-second calls
10:55and you didn't say I couldn't call the same person three times.
10:58Let's get that.
10:59Come on, bro, come on my phone.
11:01If I phone my agent...
11:02Mm-hm.
11:03Good agent?
11:04Yes.
11:05She'll get me out of here if I ask her.
11:07LAUGHTER
11:10Hi.
11:11Hi.
11:11OK.
11:12OK.
11:12One of the main clients, do you think?
11:15LAUGHTER
11:16Five seconds, remember?
11:18Yep.
11:19Pick up your phone, bro.
11:20Oh, yeah.
11:21All right.
11:22Call Mo Gilligan.
11:26Welcome to the...
11:26Yep.
11:27Called your van.
11:29You definitely know these people.
11:30Yes!
11:31LAUGHTER
11:31I'm going to call my son.
11:36Hello, are you all right?
11:37Miles, can you work out how long a furlong is?
11:39I'm going to ring you back.
11:42I can give him a minute to find out.
11:45But then he might ring me back
11:46and that doesn't count as a phone call, does it?
11:48Interesting.
11:49No.
11:49I'd like to call my mum,
11:51but I'm worried that she'll also get worried about me.
11:55Miles, did you hear?
11:56Yes.
11:57I need to...
12:01How long's a furlong?
12:05Um, eight.
12:06Eight.
12:08Eight.
12:09Eight.
12:11Eight.
12:11Can I call her again?
12:11Third call, third call.
12:13This is it, Jack.
12:15Hello?
12:16How long is a furlong?
12:17How long is a furlong?
12:19Call me back.
12:20LAUGHTER
12:22Oh.
12:23So he ends up asking you how long a furlong was.
12:25Yeah.
12:26Come back.
12:27How long is a furlong?
12:29I'm going to call you back in five...
12:30in a bit.
12:31I'm going to call you back.
12:33All right.
12:34Call him back.
12:35Now?
12:35Yeah.
12:36How long's a furlong, bro?
12:38Hello?
12:38How long's a furlong?
12:40Furlong?
12:41Yes!
12:42Oh!
12:42All right.
12:44One more.
12:45Straight away?
12:45Straight away, bro.
12:46We've got to get it.
12:47Yeah, bro.
12:48Quickly, quickly, quickly.
12:49How long's a furlong?
12:51My guy!
12:52Let's go!
12:54Oh, he's called me back, so I can take that.
12:56We agreed, I think.
12:57OK, thank you, Miles.
13:00Cheers.
13:01Yeah.
13:02One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...
13:05Hello?
13:06Eight what?
13:07I think it's eight...
13:08Eight miles?
13:09No, that's not...
13:12So that's all your phone calls.
13:14Eight miles.
13:15Yeah, right.
13:16220 yards.
13:17I don't know how long a yard is.
13:19Ha, ha, ha, ha!
13:21.
13:26Write this down, yeah?
13:28Yep.
13:28The first person in life didn't know anything.
13:31He had to, you know, I'm saying work it out.
13:33So therefore, always be willing to work things out.
13:37You get what I'm saying?
13:38How far have you walked?
13:40I don't know.
13:41No.
13:44OK, OK, that's it.
13:46I'm saying that's ten minutes.
13:47Stop the clock. That was ten minutes.
13:50OK.
13:52I'm going to stop.
13:54That's the end of it, is it?
13:55Yeah, that's it, sorry.
13:56OK.
13:56That's the end of it.
13:57Yeah.
13:58Anti-climax.
14:00Yeah.
14:01Cheers.
14:02Cheers, Jack.
14:07APPLAUSE
14:10What's your theory, Baba?
14:11The first person who discovered anything
14:14had to start somewhere, so you're...
14:16I might have said that.
14:18LAUGHTER
14:18If you pay it back, you will understand the wisdom
14:21that I hold.
14:22The wisdom of Baba?
14:24Yeah, he wrote that.
14:25You wrote down a lot of my quotes, didn't you?
14:26Yeah, you said that dirty baths make you itchy.
14:28That's all I've written down.
14:29There you go.
14:31Jack was the only person to work out
14:32that you could get a call back, which paid dividends.
14:35Yeah.
14:35I have a problem with that.
14:37That's technology.
14:38That's still using technology to answer the call, isn't it?
14:42Well, you're right.
14:43I did say you can't use technology except to make three phone calls,
14:45but then the phone rang and it was his son
14:46and it might have been an emergency.
14:49LAUGHTER
14:50I think picking up a phone is using tech.
14:54Yeah.
14:54You always say that.
14:56LAUGHTER
14:57You did also look at your watch and claim
14:59that it's not technology, it's decorative.
15:02LAUGHTER
15:02Is this tech?
15:03It's not a Brussels sprout.
15:06LAUGHTER
15:06On your wrist, is it?
15:08I'm also impressed by how confident you are
15:11that your gait is exactly one metre as well.
15:13It is.
15:14Oh, fine.
15:15LAUGHTER
15:17No more discussion on that, it is.
15:19Confidence.
15:20Well, look...
15:21I can tell you they had to try to get exactly ten minutes
15:24and exactly one furlong.
15:25Emma, you were exactly eleven minutes.
15:28Not bad.
15:28What?
15:29262 yards.
15:30That's ten seconds.
15:31But slightly closer to the furlong, 40 yards short.
15:33Baba, you're only 23 yards...
16:04That's four.
16:04That's four.
16:33Yeah, two more so...
16:33You...
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