- 2 hours ago
I’ll Be Home for Christmas (1988) [Full Movie] [Ranked]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:07From Coney Island to the Sunset Strip, somebody's gonna make a happy trip tonight, while the
00:00:16moon is bright.
00:00:20He's gonna have a bag of crazy toys, to give the goniest of the girls and boys so did.
00:00:28Santa comes on big.
00:00:32He'll come a-callin' when the snow's the most, when all you cats are sleepin' warm as toast.
00:00:38Dad, you're gonna flip when old Santa Nick plays a lick on a peppermint stick.
00:00:45He'll come a-flyin' from a higher place, and fill the stockings by the fireplace.
00:00:50So you'll have your lips cool.
00:01:24Yeah, you try.
00:01:25I'm not gonna rush.
00:01:26They're gonna be a Morris town.
00:01:26I'm not gonna be a scorn in auler's kingdom.
00:01:26I'm not gonna be a scorn in the UK.
00:01:26I'm not gonna be a scorn in the UK.
00:01:26I'm not gonna be a scorn in the UK.
00:01:53Yeah, he's gonna have a bag of crazy
00:01:56I'm gonna use the toy to get the tallest of the boomers and boy
00:02:00And so, dig, Santa comes on big
00:02:06He'll come a-calling when the snow's the most
00:02:09When all the cats are sleeping warm as toast
00:02:12And you're gonna flip when, oh, say, me
00:02:15Blaze a lick on the bevelman's dick
00:02:19He'll come a-fly it from a high place
00:02:22And fill the stockets by the fireplace
00:02:25So you, have you let's cool
00:02:31Have you let's cool
00:02:41Hey, Dom
00:02:42Hey, Jake
00:02:43Hi
00:02:43Hi, Z
00:02:4512.32.14
00:02:4712.32.14
00:02:50How'd that hike?
00:02:51Jake, thank God, let me out
00:02:53How'd you get my mail?
00:02:55Math test
00:02:59Hey, minus
00:03:01All right, you made it look just good enough
00:03:03You score me those backstage passes to Dave Matthews at the Coliseum?
00:03:06All right
00:03:07Oh, that's my man
00:03:09All right
00:03:10Uh, 12.32
00:03:12Uh, what was that last number again, Ian?
00:03:15168?
00:03:1614, Jake
00:03:1614
00:03:17All right, all right
00:03:18Calm down, I got you
00:03:22Thanks, Jake
00:03:22You're welcome
00:03:23Now, Ian, what is the deal with you being sardined into your locker again?
00:03:27It was Eddie Taffin and his troglodyte trio
00:03:29They're bugged about the phony IDs we sold them
00:03:32All right, I'll take care of them later
00:03:33Right now, I need you to get on the net
00:03:34Change that ticket
00:03:35My dad got me to New York
00:03:37And the two seats to Cabo San Lucas
00:03:38Okay
00:03:39Will you be taking Allie?
00:03:41Working on that now
00:03:45Morning, ladies
00:03:46Hi, Jake
00:03:48Do those things really work?
00:03:49Yeah, I want to see
00:03:50No, no, no, it's okay
00:03:57Hi
00:03:58Hi
00:04:02Ah, zone defense, huh?
00:04:05Guess I'm not going to be able to get in
00:04:07Unless
00:04:08What's this?
00:04:10Cherry crunch
00:04:10Would I bring you anything else?
00:04:19Sierra
00:04:20I'm sure that tastes good here
00:04:21But I bet it would taste even better someplace else
00:04:23Shoo-shoo
00:04:45Hey
00:04:47Oh, hi
00:04:48What are you doing here?
00:04:50Well, you always said you wanted to see
00:04:51What it would be like to wake up next to me
00:04:53Oh, good line
00:04:56Premeditated or spontaneous
00:04:57Oh, totally off the cuff
00:04:59I was inspired by the lovely side of you drooling on your French book
00:05:03I wasn't drooling
00:05:04I was sleeping
00:05:07Sleeping
00:05:08I can't sleep
00:05:09I've got to study
00:05:10You were studying
00:05:11Subliminally in your sleep
00:05:12You were absorbing it off the page through osmosis
00:05:14Not funny
00:05:15Give me that
00:05:16Look, Jake
00:05:17My final is in three hours
00:05:19And you're here just distracting me
00:05:20So would you please get out of here
00:05:22Okay, okay, suit yourself
00:05:23I just wanted to let you know
00:05:24There's a freak storm outside
00:05:26Looks like it's snowing
00:05:28Snowing
00:05:28We're in the middle of Southern California
00:05:30It's not snow
00:05:33My God
00:05:36It's snowing
00:05:39Jake, you lunatic
00:05:41Where did you get a snow machine?
00:05:45Oh, hey, Ian
00:05:46Hey, Allie
00:05:51It's a white Christmas, just like home
00:05:53And here's a little Christmas cheer
00:05:57Eggnog
00:05:57My mother makes this from scratch
00:05:59And one more thing
00:06:02More?
00:06:02Do I detect an overage of niceness going on here?
00:06:05Just read it
00:06:07Two tickets to Cabo San Lucas
00:06:09Christmas on the beach
00:06:12Amazing
00:06:13Well, I knew you'd be
00:06:15Pissed
00:06:18This is the most inconsiderate thing I've ever heard
00:06:20I have plans that are important to me, Jake
00:06:22Allie, it's not like I'm asking you to sleep in a port-a-potty
00:06:24This is a three-bedroom condo overlooking the ocean
00:06:27Forget it, Jake
00:06:28You know I'm driving home with Sierra to visit my family
00:06:30So tell him what I told my dad last year
00:06:32You're going to be stuck in the gym eight hours a day
00:06:33For the next two weeks
00:06:34In preparation for your appearance
00:06:36In the Ultimate Fighting Championship
00:06:38That's what you told him?
00:06:39Well, sure
00:06:40And then when he found out I really wanted to stay here and surf
00:06:42He was so relieved he didn't argue
00:06:44But I want to go home
00:06:46I want a traditional Christmas
00:06:47With snow and stockings and eggnog and carolers
00:06:51I just thought we could have some fun this Christmas
00:06:54No, you just thought that you could have some fun
00:06:56But what about everybody else?
00:06:58My mom and dad would be crushed if I didn't come home
00:07:00And what about your dad?
00:07:02And your sister and Carolyn?
00:07:04You know, bringing up my dad's new wife
00:07:06Just drains me of all my Christmas spirit
00:07:09Look, all I'm saying is
00:07:10Don't you think it's about time you went home?
00:07:14Hey there, looking good today
00:07:17Thanks, Eddie
00:07:18You're looking nice today, too
00:07:20I'm not talking to you, Wilkinson
00:07:23Hey, Allie
00:07:23What kind of perfume are you wearing today?
00:07:25Excuse me?
00:07:26Because I got three words for you
00:07:28New, car, smell
00:07:30And it would smell so good on you
00:07:31Why don't you come in here and check it out, baby?
00:07:33Eddie
00:07:34I got one word for you
00:07:36Beamer
00:07:41You've got to be kidding me
00:07:44Stand away from the vehicle
00:07:46You are too close to the vehicle
00:07:49Stand away from the vehicle
00:07:52So it's Disco Inferno night at the Viper Room, right?
00:07:55And it's me and the Murph Man
00:07:57And the Ed Man
00:07:58And the Ken Man, right?
00:07:59And we were waiting in line for like half the night, right?
00:08:02And the bouncer, he finally gives us the nod
00:08:04So we go over there
00:08:05And debut our brand new IDs
00:08:08And the dude goes
00:08:09Bye-bye
00:08:11And no one
00:08:12No one says
00:08:13Bye-bye
00:08:14To the Brant Man
00:08:15Fellas, fellas, fellas
00:08:17What can I say?
00:08:18My subcontractor's been slacking off
00:08:20But I want to make this up to you
00:08:22I have a foolproof method
00:08:24That'll guarantee you
00:08:25Ace your history, finally
00:08:27But if you'd rather see your grades crash and burn
00:08:29It's up to you
00:08:34No cost, right?
00:08:36Of course there's no cost for the answers
00:08:38I couldn't do that to you guys
00:08:39You guys are my buds
00:08:41However, there is a nominal fee
00:08:43For the Viper Rental
00:08:51Wilkinson residence
00:08:52Oh, I'm sorry
00:08:54He can't come to the phone right now
00:08:55He's busy accessorizing
00:08:58Oh, okay
00:08:59Jake, it's your dad
00:09:03See ya
00:09:11Dad, hey
00:09:12How are things at the office?
00:09:14Fine
00:09:14We're all off for the holidays
00:09:16I sent everybody home at noon today
00:09:17Great
00:09:18Getting ready for ski season?
00:09:20Yeah, I just got my bindings fixed
00:09:22Look, Jake
00:09:23I'm calling to find out about you
00:09:24Are you, uh
00:09:25Still planning on coming home for Christmas?
00:09:28Gosh, you know
00:09:29I'd like to
00:09:29But I gotta stick around campus
00:09:31And finish up that extra credit lab work
00:09:33Because I got a call from my travel agent
00:09:35He says that the ticket I sent you
00:09:37Was cashed in for two tickets to Cabo San Lucas
00:09:39He says somebody sabotaged his computer file
00:09:43What kind of a world are we living in?
00:09:46Is the convenience of technology worth the loss of our privacy?
00:09:49Who would do such a thing?
00:09:50Where will it end, Dad?
00:09:51Look, I agreed to let you go off to school in California
00:09:54But you haven't been home for the holidays since Mom died
00:09:58I think it's time that we become a family again
00:10:02Dad, Dad, Dad
00:10:03If you were 18 years old
00:10:05Where would you rather be for Christmas?
00:10:06At home with your family
00:10:08Or in Cabo on the beach with a beautiful girl
00:10:11Allie's parents say she's coming home just like always
00:10:15I just really want you home, son
00:10:18Me too
00:10:19Ask this Carol
00:10:19No
00:10:21And Tracy
00:10:22We all want you home
00:10:24Well, I just don't think I can get there
00:10:28Not even if I, uh
00:10:31Give you the Porsche
00:10:33Excuse me?
00:10:36The Porsche?
00:10:38The 1957 Porsche?
00:10:40The same 1957 Porsche
00:10:42That we rebuilt by hand together
00:10:43With the KidGlove interiors and the original paint?
00:10:45The 1957 Porsche?
00:10:48I'll tell you what
00:10:48If you're home by the time we sit down to dinner
00:10:51Six o'clock, Christmas Eve
00:10:53The car's yours
00:10:54Six o'clock, not one minute past
00:10:56You understand?
00:10:57Yes, sir
00:10:58We'll see you then
00:10:59Great, bye
00:11:03You are mine
00:11:06All mine
00:11:09Okay, uh
00:11:10He cashes in the tickets
00:11:12And you offer him a bribe
00:11:15Do you see anything wrong with this picture?
00:11:17Yeah
00:11:17Yeah, I do
00:11:18But
00:11:19But what?
00:11:22Jake's coming home for Christmas
00:11:29Okay, I gotta go back, you guys
00:11:30I'll see you in an hour
00:11:32Nice try, but no chance
00:11:39Must be defective
00:11:41You know, I estimated it'd be another five hours
00:11:44Until you tried to make up
00:11:45Huh
00:11:46That's funny
00:11:46Because I estimate
00:11:48That it takes five hours
00:11:49To fly to Larchmont, New York
00:11:51I thought you cashed your ticket in for Cabo
00:11:53I cashed it back in
00:11:55For two tickets to New York
00:11:56Will you please accept my apology
00:11:58And come home with me for Christmas?
00:12:04You're unbelievable
00:12:05Tell me about it
00:12:06Ripley's doing a special on me
00:12:08So
00:12:08Why the sudden change of heart?
00:12:11Well, I guess you kind of got to me
00:12:12With all that sentimental family stuff
00:12:14Oh, well, I'm glad to see you're coming around
00:12:16Hey, if you don't have family
00:12:18What do you have, right?
00:12:20So you want to come over
00:12:21And help me pack?
00:12:25No, I can't
00:12:26I gotta go tutor some jocks
00:12:28Oh, you're such a compassionate man
00:12:30I am a giver
00:12:32Pick you up tomorrow morning, 8 o'clock
00:12:34Okay
00:12:41This better work
00:12:47Run
00:12:56Look out, look out
00:12:57Hey
00:13:04What's taking him so long?
00:13:11Sorry, Ms. Peterson
00:13:12Coach likes to stay in touch
00:13:15Shh
00:13:16Shh
00:13:16Shh
00:13:17Shh
00:13:19Oh, my God.
00:13:49Oh, my God.
00:14:18So, uh, Jake, are you feeling lucky?
00:14:20I'm instantly.
00:14:21Well, I think that's all about to change.
00:14:27Something wrong, fellas?
00:14:29You think you're some kind of wise guy, right?
00:14:31You think it's real funny to make us look like morons, right?
00:14:33What are you talking about?
00:14:35The beepers, dipstick.
00:14:37Ian, where's Ian?
00:14:39Twelve, thirty-two, fourteen.
00:14:42Oh, man.
00:14:45Look, I'm sure there's some explanation for this.
00:14:47Let me make a couple phone calls.
00:14:48No, I think we're done explaining.
00:14:52Boys?
00:14:54Come on, guys.
00:14:56Fellas, fellas.
00:15:02All right, see you guys later.
00:15:04Have a good break.
00:15:04See you.
00:15:08All right, Jake.
00:15:09Where are you?
00:15:10Where are you?
00:15:20Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:15:22Dreaming of a white Christmas
00:15:28With every Christmas heart I cry
00:15:34May those days, may those days, may those days be merry and bright
00:15:44Oh, God.
00:15:46Wish I were dead.
00:15:49I said I wished I were dead.
00:15:58What the?
00:16:05Let's see you sweet talk your way out of this one.
00:16:07Eddie and the boys.
00:16:09It's the last time I do business with those guys.
00:16:13Go on, get out of here.
00:16:18Ow!
00:16:20You glued it on, didn't you, you jerks?
00:16:25That, too?
00:16:27This is not acceptable!
00:16:29This is not acceptable!
00:16:41Sit.
00:16:43Roll over.
00:16:45Die.
00:16:47Hmm.
00:16:53Hey, it's Jake.
00:16:54You found me.
00:16:56Idiot!
00:16:58Who's an idiot?
00:16:59I am.
00:17:00Jake Flaked, huh?
00:17:02What a surprise.
00:17:04Well, lucky for you, the Ed Man's here to the rescue, so
00:17:07what do you say we blow this popsicle stand
00:17:09because I got butt warmers in the seats?
00:17:11You're loving this, aren't you?
00:17:14Pretty much, yeah.
00:17:17Okay, let's go.
00:17:18All right!
00:17:19Oh, no, no, no, no, allow me.
00:17:21I got it, I got it.
00:17:23The ultimate in irony.
00:17:25Seventeen Academy kids are driving back east this winter,
00:17:28and I get a ride with you.
00:17:30Just the two of us,
00:17:31riding the crest of destiny's rainbow,
00:17:34sharing, caring,
00:17:37pair for the ages.
00:17:39Okay, hold on.
00:17:40First, the ground rules.
00:17:42If you say too many stupid things like that,
00:17:44I'll have to slug you.
00:17:45If you say anything nasty about Jake,
00:17:47I'll have to slug you.
00:17:48If you try to feel me up,
00:17:50I'll have to slug you.
00:17:51If you make me listen to any sexist, racist,
00:17:54or homophobic jokes,
00:17:56I'm gonna have to slug you.
00:17:58And finally, I might just have to slug you
00:18:00from time to time
00:18:01simply because I find the prospect
00:18:02of driving across the country with you
00:18:04incredibly stressful!
00:18:06All right, sounds like a party to me.
00:18:11So, what should we listen to?
00:18:13Jewel, Sarah, Fiona?
00:18:15I'm in a sensitive mood, aren't you?
00:18:17Cut the crap, Eddie.
00:18:18I'm already in the car.
00:18:20All right, let's burn this baby.
00:18:21New York, go!
00:18:31They'll be singing
00:18:33Gonna be singing
00:18:36Christmas carols
00:18:39By the old charell
00:18:43Celebrating
00:18:44Hungry-cating
00:18:46And exchanging greetings
00:18:49By the old charell
00:18:52There'll be lots of little children
00:18:56And I'll pick their eyes open
00:18:58Say lovebirds
00:18:59See what Santa left
00:19:01Around the tree
00:19:04There'll be merry
00:19:06Singing those merry
00:19:09Christmas carols
00:19:11By the old charell
00:19:16Hey, it's Allie.
00:19:17You got the machine.
00:19:18You know the...
00:19:18Allie, it's me.
00:19:20Listen, I am so sorry...
00:19:29Hey, it's Allie.
00:19:30Desert Santa Buzzer Tumbleweed
00:19:33This totally sucks
00:19:37You got a mean disposition for a Santa
00:19:39I need to make another phone call
00:19:42Long distance?
00:19:44What from here
00:19:46Is not long distance?
00:19:58Hello?
00:19:59Tracy, it's Jake
00:20:00Oh, hi.
00:20:02Where are you?
00:20:03I'm in the middle of nowhere
00:20:04Dressed like Santa Claus
00:20:06Being attacked by a killer Tumbleweed
00:20:07Cool
00:20:08Get me, Dad
00:20:09When did I become your slave?
00:20:12The day you were born
00:20:13Oh, right
00:20:15Oh, Dad
00:20:18It's the prodigal son
00:20:21Hello?
00:20:23Hello, Father
00:20:23Dad
00:20:25Jake, you sound funny
00:20:26Are you at the airport?
00:20:28Well, I've had some setbacks
00:20:30But if you wire me some money
00:20:31I'll make it home for Christmas
00:20:33Just what kind of a bind are you in, Jake?
00:20:36He's in the middle of nowhere
00:20:37Dressed as Santa Claus
00:20:38Being attacked by a killer bumblebee
00:20:40That's Tumbleweed
00:20:41Otherwise, it's just like she said
00:20:43That is the worst alibi
00:20:45And a long line of bad alibis, Jake
00:20:47But it's all true
00:20:48That's what you always say
00:20:50I know, but I really need your help
00:20:52If I'm gonna make it home on time
00:20:53Now, look
00:20:54We had a deal
00:20:55It is up to you to get yourself home
00:20:57On Christmas Eve
00:20:58Or you can forget about the Porsche
00:21:00Dad?
00:21:05Excuse me
00:21:06I couldn't help overhearing
00:21:08You're trying to get home for Christmas
00:21:10And your father won't help you?
00:21:13Oh, it's not that
00:21:14It's just
00:21:19He's so worried about the operation
00:21:21He's not thinking clearly
00:21:24Operation?
00:21:26Yeah
00:21:26The whole family chipped in
00:21:29And got him a triple bypass for Christmas
00:21:31I sent home every last dollar
00:21:33I earned working as a shopping mall Santa
00:21:37The operation's on Christmas Eve
00:21:39And now I won't be home
00:21:40Until after the anesthesia wears off
00:21:44Oh dear
00:21:47You know
00:21:48Me and the girls are driving to Vegas
00:21:51To see Tom Jones
00:21:52We're Tom Tom girls
00:21:54You wanna ride with us?
00:21:57Do you have
00:21:58What's New Pussycat?
00:21:59Do we have
00:22:01What's New Pussycat?
00:22:03What's New Pussycat?
00:22:04Whoa
00:22:05Whoa
00:22:06Whoa
00:22:06Whoa
00:22:07Whoa
00:22:07What's New Pussycat?
00:22:09Whoa
00:22:09Whoa
00:22:09Whoa
00:22:10Whoa
00:22:10Whoa
00:22:11Whoa
00:22:14Could we crack open a window?
00:22:16Do you think it's funny how easily old people can catch pneumonia?
00:22:20Do you think that's a joke?
00:22:22Ha
00:22:22Ha
00:22:22Ha
00:22:22No
00:22:23It's just
00:22:24I had a hard night
00:22:25And I'm not feeling so well
00:22:27Hey
00:22:28Get out of there
00:22:29Aw
00:22:31Darlene
00:22:32Mama's teeth have fallen out of her mouth again
00:22:35Just wedge them back in dear
00:22:37Okay Santa Claus
00:22:39Make yourself useful
00:22:41And just put those right back in her mouth
00:22:43Uh
00:22:44Gurtons anyone?
00:22:47Oh
00:22:47For Pete's sake
00:22:48Oh
00:22:51Well that's lovely
00:22:52What happened?
00:22:54Santa just yammied in your handbag
00:22:57There he goes again
00:22:59Well stop him
00:23:00Okay
00:23:01Here Santa
00:23:02Santa get up
00:23:04Ow
00:23:06Ow
00:23:07Did I hurt you Santa?
00:23:10Good
00:23:10Alright Buster
00:23:12Out you get
00:23:14Out you get out
00:23:16Get out of here
00:23:17Get out of here
00:23:19You
00:23:19And take your beard with ya
00:23:22I never heard of such a
00:23:24Imagine
00:23:25Yammying in my sister's handbag
00:23:35There you go
00:23:37There's five
00:23:37Thank you
00:23:38Desert Santa Buzzard Tumbleweed
00:23:42Desert Santa Buzzard Tumbleweed
00:23:45Oh I love this game
00:23:46Pick which one is not like the others
00:23:48Uh Santa
00:23:49No idiot
00:23:50It's a message Jake left on my machine
00:23:54Wow
00:23:56Bizarre huh
00:23:56Yeah
00:24:01Thanks
00:24:10Allie
00:24:14Eddie
00:24:15Eddie
00:24:25Oh my god
00:24:30Allie
00:24:31What's wrong with you
00:24:32Uh we gotta go
00:24:34We're just
00:24:34Way behind schedule
00:24:36Allie wait
00:24:39Allie
00:24:41Stop
00:24:43Wait
00:24:53I'll have a blue Christmas
00:24:59Without you
00:25:03I'll be so blue
00:25:06Just thinking
00:25:09Just thinking
00:25:10About you
00:25:15Decoration
00:25:17Red
00:25:19On a green
00:25:22Christmas tree
00:25:36This is the worst day of my life
00:25:40Snowflakes
00:25:41And it just got worse
00:25:42Falling
00:25:45That's when those blue
00:25:49Memories
00:25:51Start calling
00:25:56You'll be doing
00:25:58All right
00:26:02With your Christmas
00:26:03Or white
00:26:07But I'll have
00:26:08A blue
00:26:10Blue
00:26:12Blue
00:26:12Christmas
00:26:21Oh
00:26:22But I'll have
00:26:24Hey
00:26:25A blue
00:26:26Blue
00:26:27Blue
00:26:28Christmas
00:26:32Oh
00:26:33Oh
00:26:33Oh
00:26:33Dubby
00:26:34Secret fat man
00:26:35Handshake
00:26:36All right
00:26:38You know confidentially speaking
00:26:40Just between us
00:26:41Santas
00:26:41Don't you ever get tired
00:26:43Of wearing this suit
00:26:44I mean every year
00:26:45It's the same suit
00:26:45Red red red red red
00:26:47I mean does any guy
00:26:48Really look good in red
00:26:49I don't think so
00:26:53Got room on the sled
00:26:54For two
00:26:56Thanks
00:26:57I really appreciate it
00:26:58You're a pal
00:27:00I don't think so
00:27:01You're a pal
00:27:01You're a pal
00:27:07You're a pal
00:27:17You're a pal
00:27:18You're a pal
00:27:19You're a pal
00:27:19You're a pal
00:27:19You're a pal
00:27:21You're a pal
00:27:22You're a pal
00:27:22You're a pal
00:27:25You're a pal
00:27:28You're a pal
00:27:28You're a pal
00:27:33Whoa, you're not so cute in the morning, I'm kind of glad nothing happened.
00:27:38Ow, you just slugged me.
00:27:40As per our agreement.
00:27:47Wake up, Chief. Time to feed the reindeer.
00:27:54All right, I'm going, I'm going.
00:28:04Here comes Saddle, here comes Saddle, riding down Saddle's land.
00:28:10Six, seven, seven, I'll lay with the reindeer pulling on the rain.
00:28:17Wells are ringing till anything at all is merry and bright.
00:28:23Hang your stockings and say good prayer.
00:28:26Hi there!
00:28:28Yeah, Merry Christmas, you too.
00:28:31Come Saddle, come Saddle, ride down Saddle's land.
00:28:35He's gonna bang up and we'll talk for boys and girls again.
00:28:41Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle.
00:28:44What a beautiful sound.
00:28:48Oh, where's your hand?
00:28:50The sound of the ghost comes in.
00:28:52Bang!
00:29:08It's that horse?
00:29:17Oh
00:29:25Man, I went and killed santa
00:29:33Santa
00:29:34No
00:29:35Santa
00:29:39Santa
00:29:41Oh
00:29:47Thank God
00:29:52Hang on Santa, I'm coming
00:29:55I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming
00:29:57Hold on, hold on
00:29:59Oh
00:29:59Oh
00:30:01Hey
00:30:04Am I alive?
00:30:05Sir, I have never been happy to answer that question in my life
00:30:09Yes, you are alive
00:30:12You been asked that question before?
00:30:14Oh, maybe
00:30:1510, 12 times
00:30:17No
00:30:19No
00:30:22Oh
00:30:23Dr. Jones
00:30:24Dr. Jones
00:30:25Dr. Jones
00:30:26Dr. Jones
00:30:51Yeah, well, what I'm getting at is, what does Jake have that I haven't gotten?
00:30:58It's the stuff he comes up with.
00:31:01Funny things.
00:31:03Amazing things.
00:31:04Things that just give me the chills.
00:31:07Yeah, give me an example of one of these chills things, huh?
00:31:10Okay.
00:31:13Okay, there was this one time I was feeling really bad.
00:31:15It was just a really down day, and Jake took my hand in his, and being really sweet, he said,
00:31:23not even the rain has such small hands.
00:31:27Not even the rain has such small hands?
00:31:31What a nerd!
00:31:32It's E.E. Cummings.
00:31:34Huh?
00:31:36Poetry, Eddie?
00:31:38And that gave you chills?
00:31:41You wouldn't understand.
00:31:45Allie?
00:31:47What?
00:31:49Not even the corn had such big ears.
00:31:53Oh, that's beautiful. I'm really moved, Eddie.
00:31:55Oh, look, because if it's poetry you want, I got it, baby.
00:31:59There once was a man from Nantucket.
00:32:01Just drive the car, Eddie.
00:32:09Man, oh, man, I was sure you were a goner.
00:32:12Nolan, it's been two hours. I can't have this conversation with you anymore.
00:32:17What conversation?
00:32:18The one where you go, you were sure I was a goner, and I go, yeah, that was really a
00:32:21close one.
00:32:23Oh, okay.
00:32:28Hey, that's a Pathfinder. Catch up with them.
00:32:31Who's them?
00:32:31My girlfriend.
00:32:33No kidding? All the way out here?
00:32:36Wait a minute.
00:32:37Are you saying that's Mrs. Claus in that car with another guy?
00:32:41Mrs. Claus stepping out on Santa and letting some other guy down the chimney?
00:32:46Why, that two-time and hoe?
00:32:48Uh, Nolan reality check?
00:32:51You say no more, Santa. I'm after it.
00:33:02Nolan, I said catch them. Try not to kill us.
00:33:05All right, all right.
00:33:08Nolan, there's a cop behind us with his lights on. Slow down.
00:33:12Oh, man.
00:33:13Cops make me nervous. I'm gonna make a run for it.
00:33:16What are you, nuts?
00:33:17Look, my daddy always said it's better to go out in a blaze of glory
00:33:20than to rot in a state correctional facility.
00:33:25Let me guess, you're about to tell me the stuff in the back's stolen, right?
00:33:30I won't if you don't want me to.
00:33:32You, stop the car, Nolan.
00:33:35Stop the...
00:33:36Stop the car.
00:33:41Woo-hoo!
00:33:43All right, come on, Jake.
00:33:44Think, think, think, think, think.
00:33:46I know.
00:33:47Put this on.
00:33:48Act like my elf.
00:33:50All right, all right.
00:33:51How do elves act?
00:33:52I don't know.
00:33:54Happy.
00:33:55Happy.
00:33:56Happy.
00:34:07Merry Christmas, officer.
00:34:08Problem?
00:34:10You in a bit of a hurry, aren't you?
00:34:12Well, that's my fault.
00:34:13Busy time of year for me.
00:34:15Ho, ho, ho.
00:34:16I'm an elf.
00:34:18So it seems.
00:34:19Do you realize you were going 79 in a 65-mile-per-hour zone?
00:34:23You should try catching me in my sleigh.
00:34:26Ho, ho, ho.
00:34:28You see, officer, my elf Snowpuff and I are heading to the children's hospital in the next town.
00:34:33You mean Redcliffe?
00:34:35Yeah, Redcliffe, exactly.
00:34:36To distribute toys to the youngsters.
00:34:39You know, I'm sorry if in my haste I sped up a bit, but every second counts to a bedridden
00:34:43child.
00:34:46All right.
00:34:47I tell you what.
00:34:48No more speeding.
00:34:50Okay, Santa?
00:34:5165, stay alive.
00:34:53Merry Christmas.
00:34:54Thank you, officer.
00:34:57And that is how the big boys do it.
00:35:00You know what?
00:35:02My shift ends in a few minutes.
00:35:04Why don't you follow me?
00:35:05I'll get you there in no time.
00:35:09So that's how the big boys do it?
00:35:11Shut up, Nolan.
00:35:21So close, yet so far.
00:35:33Please stay in the car.
00:35:34Please stay in the car.
00:35:35Please stay in the car.
00:35:36Oh, man.
00:35:38I guess he couldn't hear you.
00:35:46Hey, thank you, officer.
00:35:47Say, do you all mind if I go in there with you?
00:35:50I kind of like to see the kids' faces, you know, when you give them their gifts.
00:35:53The more, the merrier.
00:35:57And do you want a pony and a Barbie Dreamhouse and Lightbrite Deluxe and...
00:36:02Now, that's all great stuff, but Santa's going to give you something even better.
00:36:06A KitchenAid Classic Plus toaster with exclusive AcuToast sensor for consistent toasting time
00:36:12after time.
00:36:12Now, sweetie, this toaster is extra wide so you can get four bagels in there instead of the usual two.
00:36:19Okay, thank you, Santa.
00:36:20You're welcome.
00:36:21But, Santa, this toaster was already promised to a little cowpoke named Nolan.
00:36:29Hand it over to the kids, Snowpaw.
00:36:35All right, let's get this line moving.
00:36:37Who's next?
00:36:39All righty.
00:36:40And what do you want for Christmas?
00:36:43And finally.
00:36:45Ho, ho, ho.
00:36:47Merry Christmas.
00:36:48And what's your name, little boy?
00:36:50Esteban.
00:36:51Esteban.
00:36:52All right, let's see what we have here today for Esteban.
00:36:58Look at this.
00:37:00A Eureka Boss Cordless Rechargeable Vacuum Cleaner.
00:37:03No, thank you.
00:37:07Well, uh, I don't know what else I have here for you, buddy.
00:37:11What do you want for Christmas?
00:37:13To go home.
00:37:18I want to be with mi mamá, mi papá, mi hermana Maribel, mi hermano Mario, Tío Carlos y mi Tío
00:37:27Ramón.
00:37:28And Tía Cristina, Tía María, grandmothers and grandfathers, and my dog, Sorrito.
00:37:36And half Christmas tree and lights and angels and Christmas cookies.
00:37:42With little red and green sprinkles on top and plum pudding and Christmas carols and...
00:37:48Oh, sugar doll, I miss you so much.
00:37:51I don't want to offend stolen goods no more.
00:37:53I just want to beg you to come home for Christmas.
00:37:56Please, Marjorie, you know I didn't mean to hurt you.
00:37:58I don't know how I'm going to get through the holidays without you.
00:38:00I just need to talk to my dad or Tracy.
00:38:04Are either of them there?
00:38:06Oh, gee, your dad and Tracy went to the mall.
00:38:09It's just me holding down the fort.
00:38:12Uh-huh.
00:38:12We are all so excited you're coming home.
00:38:16We've got the tree all set up.
00:38:18It looks great.
00:38:19And I've just been shopping and cooking and cooking and shopping.
00:38:23Speaking of which, your sweater size.
00:38:26Are you a...
00:38:27You're a 38, right?
00:38:29Yeah, I guess.
00:38:31Where are you now?
00:38:33Are you on your way home?
00:38:34Yeah, look, I got to run, so you take care now, okay?
00:38:39Okay.
00:38:40Bye.
00:38:41Bye.
00:38:54I got to tell you, Santa, sir, although I've only been your elf for a very short time,
00:38:59I feel like a new man, changed.
00:39:02Do I look changed to you?
00:39:06Well, maybe you've changed on the inside where it counts.
00:39:09Yeah, that's it.
00:39:10I've changed on the inside and...
00:39:12I'm going home for Christmas.
00:39:15Home?
00:39:15I thought you were going east.
00:39:17Nope, back the other way.
00:39:18But, Nolan, I saved your buck back down the road.
00:39:21Don't you think you owe me something?
00:39:23Uh, yes, I do.
00:39:28Didn't mean to leave you hanging, buddy.
00:39:32Merry Christmas!
00:39:36What?
00:39:36Can I have a word with you?
00:39:38What is it?
00:39:39Well, it's my wife, Marjorie.
00:39:41She left me last month, and...
00:39:43Well, if I could just get her back home for Christmas, I know we could start again.
00:39:47Why are you telling me this?
00:39:48She won't listen to me, but I got a hunch she might listen to Santa.
00:39:52See, if you walked into the restaurant where she works and asked her to forgive me, I know she'd come
00:39:56home.
00:39:57She left you, right?
00:39:58Yeah.
00:39:59So where's your dignity?
00:40:01Don't go crawling back to her.
00:40:02Let her come groveling back to you.
00:40:04Yeah, maybe you're right.
00:40:05Why drive all the way to Nebraska just to get slammed again?
00:40:09Wait, Nebraska?
00:40:11As an Easter here?
00:40:12It's about a six-hour trip.
00:40:14What's the matter with you, man?
00:40:15You love her enough to marry her, but you won't take a little drive.
00:40:20So, Max, what'd you do that made your wife so mad that you'd take a job 300 miles away?
00:40:25Uh, I stayed out at Smitty's till 3 one morning.
00:40:28Doesn't seem so bad.
00:40:30With an old girlfriend.
00:40:33Alright, here's the deal.
00:40:34If I get Marjorie to come home for Christmas, you buy me a bus ticket to New York.
00:40:39If you can get Marjorie to come home for Christmas, I'll buy you a bus ticket to the moon.
00:40:44Alright.
00:40:48Hey.
00:40:48Hey.
00:40:49Looking good.
00:40:50Yeah.
00:40:51I got kind of a weird call from Jake while you were out.
00:40:54He didn't say where he was calling from, but I'm pretty sure he's on the road.
00:40:58I hope he's going to make it okay.
00:41:00There is not an obstacle in this world that will keep my son from this car.
00:41:05Oh, my God, there's a scratch! There's a scratch!
00:41:07Where? Where?
00:41:08Get a life, Dad.
00:41:14See ya.
00:41:14See ya.
00:41:21Well, she's ready for you, son.
00:41:25Wherever you are.
00:41:35There she is, right there.
00:41:37Isn't she the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?
00:41:41Yeah, no doubt.
00:41:42So what do you want me to tell her?
00:41:43That if she doesn't come home,
00:41:46I'll die.
00:41:48Good.
00:41:48Die!
00:41:49Now, don't you think you're being a little bit harsh now, Marjorie?
00:41:52Harsh?
00:41:53After he kissed that tramp in front of everybody at Smitty's?
00:41:57Well, you know, I'm sure it was a friendly kiss, right?
00:41:59Like brother, sister.
00:42:00There was tongue.
00:42:02There was not!
00:42:04There was too, you big pig!
00:42:06Everybody saw it!
00:42:07Marjorie, it wasn't me kissing her.
00:42:10It was the Eggermeister!
00:42:12We made a commitment, Max,
00:42:14to honor and obey for better or for worse.
00:42:17Okay, this is worse.
00:42:19Ugh!
00:42:19He really burns my biscuits.
00:42:21Let me handle this one, okay, Max?
00:42:25Don't you think you should give Max another chance?
00:42:27I mean, maybe this is all just a misunderstanding.
00:42:30He kissed her.
00:42:30How do you misunderstand that?
00:42:32Well, I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you.
00:42:34You know, it's just like this other couple I know.
00:42:37We're all upset about a misunderstanding.
00:42:39Oh, yeah?
00:42:39What's wrong with them?
00:42:40Well, they had a trip planned to go back east
00:42:42and he canceled last minute
00:42:43because he wanted to take her to Cabo San Lucas
00:42:45for Christmas instead.
00:42:46But she thought he was being selfish,
00:42:48which was a misunderstanding.
00:42:50No, it wasn't.
00:42:50He sounds like a jerk.
00:42:51No, he's not.
00:42:53I mean, if she had understood,
00:42:54she would have realized that the guy's got a stepmother
00:42:56that he doesn't like very much.
00:42:57Well, what's wrong with the stepmother?
00:42:59Well, the dad married her only ten months after his wife died.
00:43:02She must be a babe.
00:43:04Why is this guy mad at the stepmother?
00:43:06It's not her fault.
00:43:07Don't you think ten months is a little soon?
00:43:09No, she's a babe.
00:43:12Look, what does any of this have to do with me and Max?
00:43:16Misunderstandings can be overcome if both people just try.
00:43:20Look, right now Max is sitting out there with a broken heart
00:43:23and all he's asking for is a second chance.
00:43:26Just give him another shot.
00:43:30Hey, Marge.
00:43:32Sounds about a tougher on this coffee.
00:43:35You know what?
00:43:36I've got a job to do.
00:43:44How did it go?
00:43:45Well, you know what a swirly is?
00:43:47You mean when somebody jams your head in a toilet bowl and flushes it?
00:43:50Yeah, it was pretty much like that.
00:43:51Oh, man.
00:43:52Now get in there.
00:43:53Say something romantic.
00:43:55Huh?
00:43:55Something apologetic?
00:43:59Something in English.
00:44:01Use us.
00:44:03All right already.
00:44:04Come on.
00:44:16I've got an idea.
00:44:24I've got an idea.
00:44:28Oh, Marjorie, oh, Marjorie, I need to have you home.
00:44:40Oh, Marjorie, oh, Marjorie, I need to have you home.
00:44:53I'm sorry I was such an insensitive jerk that night.
00:45:00I hope that singing this song will make everything all right.
00:45:09You're not the only one.
00:45:10Oh, Marjorie, oh, Marjorie, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby.
00:45:23I'll make it up to you on the velvet skirt of the Christmas tree.
00:45:31Oh, Marjorie, oh, Marjorie, oh, Marjorie, oh, baby, oh.
00:46:01No, we don't sing it.
00:46:08Marjorie, I'm so sorry, baby.
00:46:11Won't you please?
00:46:29Here's your ticket.
00:46:30Your bus will be here in 10 minutes.
00:46:33Thanks. Thank you.
00:46:40Well, see ya.
00:46:43Hey, Santa.
00:46:44Yeah?
00:46:45I, uh, I hope that other couple, you know,
00:46:47works through their misunderstandings.
00:46:51Me too.
00:46:55What other couple?
00:46:57No, it doesn't matter.
00:46:59It's just you and me, baby.
00:47:01Oh.
00:47:08You know what I've always wondered?
00:47:10What?
00:47:12Out of all the planets in the universe,
00:47:15how is it that this is the only one that spawned intelligent life?
00:47:20Yeah.
00:47:22You know what I always wonder about?
00:47:24What's that?
00:47:25How come more breakfast joints don't serve your food right in the skillet?
00:47:29Like Denny's.
00:47:30I mean, think about it.
00:47:30They give you your meat, your eggs, your spuds right in the pan.
00:47:33Like that man that rocks.
00:47:34Or like when a homeless guy, he comes up to you and he says he's the messiah.
00:47:37And then he asks you for money and you're just like, pfft.
00:47:39You know, you just want to walk away.
00:47:40But then you think to yourself,
00:47:42what happens if he is the messiah?
00:47:44And I'm just blowing the dude off.
00:47:47Think about it.
00:47:49I take back what I said about intelligent life on Earth.
00:47:56Hey, look at that!
00:47:58Ugh.
00:48:00Velveeta.
00:48:00Come on now.
00:48:02That's why we have to stay there.
00:48:04Come on, where would you rather go?
00:48:06Another dumpy motel or a fake Bavarian village in the middle of nowhere?
00:48:11I don't think it's very Eddie.
00:48:13Well, I think it's totally Eddie.
00:48:15It's completely cheesy and trying to be cool.
00:48:19When are you going to stop being mean to the Ed man, huh?
00:48:22When do you stop referring to yourself in the third person?
00:48:39Maybe I should just go with it.
00:48:50Hey.
00:48:52Hey.
00:48:53Check this out.
00:48:54Tell me what's better.
00:48:56Ho, ho, ho.
00:48:57Merry Christmas.
00:48:59Ho, ho, ho.
00:49:00Merry Christmas.
00:49:02Ho, ho, ho.
00:49:03Merry Christmas.
00:49:06Merry Christmas.
00:49:07Well, the first one's good for really little kids.
00:49:09Like my sister, who's three.
00:49:12And the second one's good for big kids, like my friends and me.
00:49:15And the third one's good if you want to scare people and watch them run away screaming.
00:49:21Okay, cool. Thanks.
00:49:23Whatever.
00:49:50Come on!
00:49:53Well, look at that.
00:49:55The clockman is sexually harassing the clock lady.
00:49:58How typical.
00:50:00Uh, don't witness it. You might have to testify.
00:50:04Wow, Eddie, that was actually clever.
00:50:07Hey, I'm a witty guy.
00:50:08I mean, you think this astonishing physique
00:50:11is all the Ed-Man has to offer, huh?
00:50:13Well, take this, Ed-Man.
00:50:17Oh, my God, you're dead. You're so dead.
00:50:19I'm gonna get it so dead. Oh, my God.
00:50:25This is Wendy Richards reporting live from Adelbrook, Iowa,
00:50:28site of the Strudelstrasen and world-famous human clock.
00:50:32Now, the temperature outside stands at 31 degrees,
00:50:34but, of course, the temperature's always a little bit warmer
00:50:37underneath the mistletoe arch, and, uh, here's a couple now.
00:50:40I hope you kids know where you're standing.
00:50:48I'll kill him.
00:50:49Your attention, please.
00:50:50Bus 33 to New York is now boarding.
00:50:53All passengers with tickets, please proceed to Kerr.
00:50:55Come on.
00:51:00I think you just stopped being mean to me.
00:51:17Excuse me. Conway?
00:51:18Get behind the yellow line.
00:51:20Hey, just a second. I need to ask you a favor.
00:51:21Just get behind the yellow line.
00:51:23I realize you're on a schedule, but it being the holidays and all.
00:51:26I wonder if you wouldn't mind taking a small detour to Adelbrook.
00:51:28I think everyone would really enjoy it.
00:51:30But I wouldn't.
00:51:32What if we...
00:51:33No.
00:51:33How about we...
00:51:34No.
00:51:34But...
00:51:35No.
00:51:36Got it.
00:51:41That is very good.
00:51:43Look at that.
00:51:45Here, why don't you try using the yellow line?
00:52:02Sorry we only had one room left tonight.
00:52:04It being Christmas and all.
00:52:06But, uh...
00:52:06I think you'll find it's very special.
00:52:12Feel coming to your honeymoon suite.
00:52:35Is this yours?
00:52:37Hm?
00:52:38No.
00:52:39Not yours either.
00:52:41Whose is it?
00:52:45Human liver?
00:52:46Organ donation?
00:52:48Oh, my God!
00:52:49We've got a live liver here!
00:52:51It says,
00:52:51Delivered to Allie Henderson in Adelbrook, ASAP.
00:52:54Think it's real?
00:52:55Let's take a look.
00:52:57We move!
00:52:58We need to get to Adelbrook!
00:53:01Okay, everybody sit down!
00:53:04What the hell is wrong with you, man?
00:53:06Get behind the yellow line!
00:53:07Don't give me your lip!
00:53:08I don't believe you, man.
00:53:10There's a little girl in Adelbrook that needs a liver transplant.
00:53:14We've got a schedule to keep!
00:53:15Schedule Schmedule!
00:53:16Shame on you!
00:53:17This isn't about schedules, man!
00:53:19It's the gift of life!
00:53:21The greatest Christmas gift ever!
00:53:23And we've even got Santa to bring it to her!
00:53:25This is a non-stop bus to New York!
00:53:27This is happening for a reason!
00:53:29We were put on this bus to take this organ to Adelbrook!
00:53:33Adelbrook!
00:53:34Adelbrook!
00:53:35Adelbrook!
00:53:36Adelbrook!
00:53:37Adelbrook!
00:53:37Okay!
00:53:38You think I don't care about that little girl?
00:53:41Well, you're wrong!
00:53:42We're going to Adelbrook, all right, but because I say we are!
00:53:46Hey!
00:53:47Hey!
00:53:47Now, everybody behind the yellow line and sit down!
00:53:56It's funny, Eddie.
00:53:58I never thought I'd end up sleeping in the same bed with you, and yet, somehow, with
00:54:03you here, I feel safe.
00:54:05You want me to put on any more clothes?
00:54:08Nah, that should be fine.
00:54:10Good night, Addy.
00:54:11Good night.
00:54:23I'm giving you ten minutes!
00:54:25You fired that girl, Santa!
00:54:27Go, Santa!
00:54:28Go, Santa!
00:54:29Go, Santa!
00:54:30Go, Santa!
00:54:30Go, Santa!
00:54:31Everybody shut up!
00:54:46Hi.
00:54:47Can you tell me if there's an Ali Henderson or an Eddie Taffet checked in here?
00:54:50I'm sorry, Santa.
00:54:52I'm not allowed to give out information on our guests.
00:54:54Listen, ma'am, I have a full plate of activities tonight.
00:54:57Not to mention a pesky Grinch who has kidnapped Mrs. Claus
00:54:59in an attempt to make my life miserable.
00:55:01I'm sorry, Santa, but that's policy.
00:55:04Policy? Policy does not apply to me.
00:55:06I override policy.
00:55:08I want to know where my girlfriend is.
00:55:24I want to know where my girlfriend is.
00:55:57I want to know where my girlfriend is.
00:55:57Maintenance.
00:56:02Where is he?
00:56:04Jake, what are you doing here?
00:56:07Why are you dressed like Santa Claus?
00:56:09I had to hijack a bus.
00:56:10Eddie and his buddies left me in the desert like this the other night.
00:56:14Desert Santa buzzard tumbleweed.
00:56:16So what gives with you kissing that slimy moron?
00:56:19It's not what you think.
00:56:21Jake, what are you doing here, bud?
00:56:22This love nest is full.
00:56:24Calm down, Jake.
00:56:25Nothing happened.
00:56:26Where's the trust, man?
00:56:28I saw you kissing her on TV, you dirtbag.
00:56:30He got me under the mistletoe for two seconds.
00:56:33Big deal.
00:56:33It was more like five seconds.
00:56:36And they were good.
00:56:40Foul.
00:56:41Fighting foul.
00:56:45How could you let that idiot give you a ride?
00:56:47I thought you left me high and dry.
00:56:49What was I supposed to do?
00:56:50Beam myself home?
00:56:51Allie, I was stuck in the desert.
00:56:53I couldn't get to you.
00:56:54I had no choice.
00:56:58Okay, forgive you.
00:57:07So, you still mad at me?
00:57:10Yo, if anyone should be mad here, it's me.
00:57:12Okay, because I've had to listen to nonstop Natalie Merchant, E.Z. Cummings.
00:57:16That's E.E. Cummings.
00:57:18I have been stuck in a Santa suit for two days, fighting off buzzards, dentures, and thugs
00:57:22in lederhosen.
00:57:23I'm tired.
00:57:24I'm hungry.
00:57:25I stink.
00:57:25And because of you, I'm not going to be home by six o'clock tonight.
00:57:29Why do you have to be home by six o'clock?
00:57:32What's that?
00:57:34You heard the question, why do you have to be home by six?
00:57:39Because that's when dinner will be ready?
00:57:41Ow!
00:57:42If you have even one decent chromosome in your DNA, you will not lie to me right now, Jake.
00:57:48All right.
00:57:51It's just that, if I get home by then, my dad's going to give me the Porsche.
00:57:58The Porsche.
00:57:59Allie, let me...
00:58:00Wait!
00:58:01So you didn't trade Cabo for me, you traded it for a car.
00:58:04It's not like that!
00:58:05You two deserve each other.
00:58:10Woo!
00:58:11Allie, wait.
00:58:13Will you just stop and listen to me?
00:58:15Look, if I had to do it all over again, I probably wouldn't mention the stupid car.
00:58:19Ugh!
00:58:20What?
00:58:21I was kidding!
00:58:22You don't care about anybody but yourself.
00:58:24You're a manipulator and a liar.
00:58:26I am not a liar.
00:58:27Hey, wait a minute.
00:58:28You're the girl who needs the transplant?
00:58:30Is that what Santa told you?
00:58:33Uh-huh.
00:58:35Right.
00:58:36I'm taking his place on the bus.
00:58:38No, wait.
00:58:38Allie, give me another chance.
00:58:40Why?
00:58:41Because I care about you.
00:58:43You gotta believe me.
00:58:45Santa, if you showed up on my doorstep in a one-horse open sleigh, I wouldn't believe you.
00:58:50Allie, I'm sorry.
00:58:52You know, I can't take fake remorse from a fake Santa making fake apologies.
00:58:56You might be a fake boyfriend, Jake, but I'll tell you one thing.
00:58:59You're a genuine butthole.
00:59:04Bye, Santa.
00:59:34Oh man, I've seen guys get dumped.
00:59:36But that was nuclear. I mean, she wasn't even aiming at me and I'm gonna be walking funny for like
00:59:40a week. How do girls do that?
00:59:42I don't know. It's like that whole chick verbal skills thing. It's deadly.
00:59:47Oh man, you know what? I gotta tell you, bro. I would have never thought I'd ever help you out.
00:59:52After that massacre, man, I just wouldn't be human.
00:59:55God, I never thought I'd be driving home with you either. It's pretty wild.
00:59:58Oh, it sure is.
00:59:59All right, now I get home in time to get the Porsche. I'll drive it back to school in January,
01:00:04figure out how to get Allie back. Everything's gonna be great. Thanks, Edman.
01:00:10Sure.
01:00:17Get out.
01:00:17What?
01:00:19All that stuff you just said. I'm sorry, man. I just can't do that much good stuff for another person,
01:00:25you know? It'd be way bad for my rep.
01:00:27What are you talking about? I mean, what about that stuff you just said about being human, helping out another
01:00:31guy and me?
01:00:32Dude, I just took you to Wisconsin. Besides, what am I doing helping you out so you can get a
01:00:38Porsche and be cooler than me? Not very smart. Not very eddy.
01:00:48Uh, you're, uh, gonna have to take that off first.
01:00:51Yeah, I know that. Thank you.
01:01:04Father Christmas, just tell me what you want from me.
01:01:20Better hurry!
01:01:49It's called carbo-loading.
01:01:51Best thing you can do before a race like this.
01:01:55Hi. I'd like a number, please.
01:01:57Okay, that'll be a $10 entrance fee.
01:01:59You know I nailed that in.
01:02:01Oh, okay. So we sent you a receipt.
01:02:04Yes, yes, you did. But, you see, here's the dilly.
01:02:08There was a house fire and everything got torched. You know, personal papers, family photos, that little clay handprint ashtray
01:02:14I made when I was three.
01:02:15Oh, tragic tale. I'll cover the kid.
01:02:19Hey, thanks. Jake Wilkinson. Jeff Wilson.
01:02:24Here's your hat and beard. You gotta have them on when you cross the finish line or you'll be disqualified.
01:02:29Here we go again.
01:02:34Can anyone in this race actually run?
01:02:36Well, Sparky Fanaloni won the state marathon ten years ago. That was before the two-pack-a-day habit and
01:02:42subsequent lung removal.
01:02:45Oh, okay, this guy will give us a run for a money.
01:02:48Kenyon?
01:02:49Yes.
01:02:51All Santas to the starting line. All Santas to the starting line.
01:02:58See you at the finish line.
01:02:59All right.
01:03:00Go, Santas, go!
01:03:02Woo-hoo! Go, Santas, go!
01:03:07Santas, to your mark.
01:03:12On your mark.
01:03:15Get set.
01:03:28Out of all the reindeer, you know you're the mastermind.
01:03:34Wrong, wrong, Rudolph, right?
01:03:37Nothing too far behind.
01:03:41Run, run Rudolph, Shannon's got a merry-go-round
01:03:47Shannon, make a little bit down, he can take the freeway down
01:03:53Run, run Rudolph, cause I really like merry-go-round
01:03:59Hey, jingle balls, move your candy canes
01:04:05All I want for Christmas is a rock-and-roll electric guitar
01:04:11Go, Shannon, go!
01:04:18Come on, guys, sing it!
01:04:22Come on!
01:04:22Want a cookie?
01:04:24Rock, rock?
01:04:25Santa, make a little bit down, he can take the freeway down
01:04:28Oh, yeah, I can't handle it
01:04:30Oh, yeah
01:04:56Well, that's the end of that
01:05:02Or not
01:05:04Here you go, easy, dude
01:05:06Looks like it's just you and me now
01:05:08Ready to make a run for it?
01:05:10I was born ready
01:05:27I got your hat!
01:05:28Go, Santa Claus, go!
01:05:29Get it!
01:05:29Don't nutri, go!
01:05:36Santa Claus is coming down
01:05:39Santa Claus is coming down
01:05:43Santa Claus is coming down
01:05:46Santa Claus is coming down
01:06:16Merry Christmas Merry Christmas
01:06:27Jake Jake thank God you're gonna try to arrest me. They're gonna try to arrest me come down and meet
01:06:32me at the station
01:06:35Taxi
01:06:38Santa says take me to the airport
01:06:56Hey
01:06:56Hey, you're the kid who beat mayor Wilson in the Santa 5k. Yep, that's me
01:07:03Wait a minute mayor Wilson. Oh, you didn't know well he wins every year a lot of us folks wish
01:07:08you'd won this year, too
01:07:09Yeah, he seemed like a good guy keeps bottles filled, huh?
01:07:12Yeah, he keeps the potholes filled he also donates his entire winnings every year to buy turkeys for people who
01:07:18can't afford them
01:07:22You had to be the mayor
01:07:28Can you turn around please
01:07:37I'll be right back
01:08:01Hey
01:08:04When did Santa start using the mailbox oh didn't you hear about the new work exchange program postman should be
01:08:10coming down your chimney a little later
01:08:13You got some place to go
01:08:15Yeah, it's Christmas Eve who doesn't
01:08:20Set a place for you
01:08:23No, thanks. I'll be fine
01:08:27Jake
01:08:29Merry Christmas
01:08:31You too
01:08:51Yes operator. It's collect from Jake
01:08:55Tracy accept the thank you
01:08:57My my dear brother you are sounding slightly stressed to the bumblebees again
01:09:02Look Tracy. I'm not gonna make it home and I want you to tell dad, okay?
01:09:06What do you mean you're not gonna make it home?
01:09:08Is this about Carolyn?
01:09:10No
01:09:10It's about being stuck out here in the middle of nowhere with absolutely no money
01:09:15The rate I'm going I'll show up sometime in January so Merry Christmas Happy New Year and I'll see you
01:09:19around
01:09:19Wait, what about the Porsche?
01:09:22What about it?
01:09:24Wow surely must be in trouble
01:09:27Would you fly home right now if you could like yeah
01:09:31I've got at least four years of birthday money stashed upstairs in my ballerina bag
01:09:35If I went to a ticket agent right now and bought you a plane ticket home
01:09:39You'd make it in time for Christmas, right?
01:09:41You do that for me?
01:09:43No, I'd do it for dad
01:09:46Plus think of the incredible pleasure I'll have holding this over your head for the rest of our lives
01:09:51Okay, fine. Whatever you want. I'm near Madison, Wisconsin. I'll hitch a ride to the airport. I'll see you soon
01:09:56Wait, I don't have any idea. How am I gonna pick up the ticket?
01:10:00I know I'll make up a secret password to go with your reservation that only you would know
01:10:05Great, what's it gonna be?
01:10:06I am a smelly and revolting jerk who doesn't deserve to live and my sister is a mad cool goddess
01:10:12Bingo Wilkinson comma Jake
01:10:14It's an unusual password
01:10:16Unusual everything. So what time's the flight leave?
01:10:18In 20 minutes. I'll need to see a picture ID
01:10:21Well, I just gave you my password
01:10:23That's right, sir, but I can't let you on the plane without proper identification
01:10:26Then what was the point of my password?
01:10:28I don't make the rules, sir. It's just policy. I know. Thank you
01:10:35Next
01:10:37Oh
01:10:42Hi
01:11:03Good Ringo
01:11:04Merry Christmas to you too, Ringo. Good Ringo
01:11:11Spadrigo
01:11:11Petringo
01:11:12Pettringo
01:11:14Roots
01:11:21Hey! Hey Dylan! Get on! Get him
01:11:24Hard?
01:11:25Jennifer
01:11:26Boots! Come here!
01:11:27Get him away.
01:11:28Over here
01:11:30Get him, boy!
01:11:30No
01:11:31No
01:11:31No
01:11:32No
01:11:32No
01:11:33No
01:11:33No
01:11:33Oh
01:11:34Whoa
01:11:34Oh
01:11:34Aah
01:11:37Oh
01:11:50Excuse me, come over, excuse me.
01:12:01Merry Christmas, Santa.
01:12:03Got a ticket?
01:12:04No.
01:12:08The station is palpable.
01:12:10Next stop, New Rochelle, followed by Larchmont, Larchmont.
01:12:23Even a bribe couldn't get him home.
01:12:27He still has 15 minutes.
01:12:34Hey!
01:12:35Hey, hey, hey!
01:12:38Hey, lady, give me a ride, please?
01:12:44Hey, give Santa a ride?
01:12:48Will anybody take me to Larchmont?
01:13:08Are you still in the class?
01:13:21Wait, wait, wait, wait, no, no, no, no, don't turn left, don't turn left!
01:13:24No, no, no, what are you doing?
01:13:25Don't turn, go straight!
01:13:27Hey!
01:13:28Hey!
01:13:33Hey!
01:13:34Hey!
01:13:34Hey!
01:13:35Hey!
01:13:35Hey!
01:13:35Hey!
01:13:38Hey!
01:13:38Hey!
01:13:56Package people, do not unwrap yourselves.
01:14:00I repeat, do not unwrap yourselves.
01:14:03You unwrap yourself, you are out of my parade.
01:14:06Do I make myself clear?
01:14:08Oh, my God.
01:14:12Hey!
01:14:16Hey!
01:14:17Hey!
01:14:18What do you think you're doing?
01:14:20What do you think you're doing?
01:14:21Buddy!
01:14:27Could have swore I parked that sleigh right here.
01:14:29Silent night, holy night.
01:14:38All is calm, all is bright.
01:14:46Round yon virgin, mother and child.
01:14:52What do you think you're doing?
01:14:54What do you think you're doing?
01:14:54Sorry!
01:15:04What do you think you're doing?
01:15:05Come on, Jake.
01:15:06We can make it.
01:15:13Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:15:16Hmmm.
01:15:47Nice ride.
01:15:49Thanks.
01:15:50Just got him back from the shop.
01:15:53Alves upgraded his shoes to the new Firestone radials.
01:15:57Not bad.
01:15:59Maybe you should have thought about snow tires.
01:16:05You know, you said even if Santa showed up on your doorstep in a one-horse open sleigh,
01:16:09you still wouldn't believe that I cared about you.
01:16:13So I don't expect this to work.
01:16:16But I gotta give it a shot.
01:16:18I mean, you know, I'm not the real Santa, and contrary to all appearances, this is not a real sleigh.
01:16:28But, Allie, for all the times I've been a genuine jerk, this is a real apology.
01:16:36If you'll accept it.
01:16:40I might.
01:16:45And this is a real kiss.
01:17:10Come with me to my house.
01:17:11I have to be there in two minutes.
01:17:12Is this still about the worst?
01:17:13Just come with me.
01:17:14But I don't want to.
01:17:15Don't trust me.
01:17:19Shepherds quake out of the world.
01:17:36Okay.
01:17:38Let's eat.
01:17:54What time is it?
01:17:57It's 5.59.
01:17:58You made it.
01:18:00Yeah, I guess I did.
01:18:03Tell me when it's after 6, okay?
01:18:06What do you mean? Aren't you going in?
01:18:08No, not yet.
01:18:11But I thought...
01:18:12Shh, shh, shh. Just watch.
01:18:15Watch what?
01:18:18My family.
01:18:42Well, guess it's about time I went home for Christmas.
01:18:46Care to join me?
01:18:47You bet.
01:18:50All right.
01:18:58Hey, everybody. Merry Christmas.
01:19:02We made it.
01:19:07Hey, you made it.
01:19:10Glad you're here.
01:19:11Me too.
01:19:13Did you have a hard time getting here?
01:19:14Piece of cake.
01:19:17What's with this Santa suit?
01:19:19Long story, Dad.
01:19:21Hey.
01:19:22Oh, you stink.
01:19:25Farting dog cargo hold longer story.
01:19:28Well, son.
01:19:30She's yours.
01:19:32But, Dad, I didn't make it home on time.
01:19:34Don't be silly. You were just a few seconds left here.
01:19:36No, no. Deal's a deal.
01:19:38Besides, she isn't ready yet.
01:19:40What do you mean?
01:19:41Well, we're not really finished fixing her up yet, are we?
01:19:44I mean, I'm sure it's gonna take us a bunch more Christmases together to get all the work done.
01:19:49Don't you think?
01:19:51Yeah.
01:19:5230 or 40 at least.
01:19:5636.
01:19:58Excuse me?
01:19:59My sweater says I'm a 36.
01:20:01Or a medium. Either will work.
01:20:04What's yours?
01:20:07Mine?
01:20:09Yeah, you know, for future information.
01:20:13Eight.
01:20:16Eight.
01:20:18I'll remember that.
01:20:21What the heck is that?
01:20:23That would be my parade.
01:20:25Excuse me?
01:20:26Excuse me?
01:20:26I know nothing.
01:20:37Hey!
01:20:37Wait a minute!
01:20:39That's our sled!
01:20:41That's the guy!
01:20:43Come on!
01:20:48Hey, buddy.
01:20:50You stole our sleigh.
01:20:52You're just so lucky you're wearing that suit.
01:20:56you know a few days ago i might not have agreed with you nice wings thanks took a sewing class
01:21:04it shows please come on santa give me a ride home let's all go for a ride come on
01:21:13oh i love it i've never been in a sleigh before you better be careful
01:21:20let this buggy rip bro
01:21:47merry christmas happy
01:21:51merry christmas
01:21:54merry christmas
01:21:56merry christmas
01:21:59happy holiday
01:22:04oh yeah
01:22:05we've been waiting all here for this night
01:22:11when the snow is glistening on the trees outside
01:22:16and all the stockings are hung by the fireside
01:22:22waiting for a Santa to arrive
01:22:26and all the love will show
01:22:29as everybody knows
01:22:31it's christmas time and all the kids will see
01:22:35the gifts under the tree
01:22:38it's the best time of year for the family
01:22:42it's a wonderful feeling
01:22:44and the love in the room will go to the ceiling
01:22:47it's that time of year
01:22:51christmas time is here
01:22:52and with the blessings from above
01:22:55god sends you his love
01:22:57and everything's okay
01:23:01oh
01:23:03yeah
01:23:24thank you
01:23:27Times we share
01:23:31Happiness
01:23:31Cause love is in the air
01:23:35And all the love will show
01:23:37Cause everybody knows
01:23:39It's Christmas time
01:23:42And all the kids will see
01:23:44Kiss under the tree
01:23:46It's the best time of year
01:23:48For the family
01:23:51It's a wonderful feeling
01:23:53And the love in the room
01:23:54From the floor to the ceiling
01:23:56It's that time of year
01:23:59Christmas time is here
01:24:01And the blessings from above
01:24:03God sent you his love
01:24:06And everything's okay
01:24:07Merry Christmas, happy holiday
01:24:12Merry Christmas
01:24:13Merry Christmas
01:24:16And happy holiday
01:24:20Merry Christmas
01:24:23Oh yeah
01:24:24Merry Christmas
01:24:25And happy holiday
01:24:28No matter what your holiday
01:24:31It's a time to celebrate
01:24:35Put your worries aside
01:24:38And open up your mind
01:24:41You can see the world right by
01:24:43Your time
01:24:45It's Christmas time
01:24:47Merry Christmas
01:24:49Oh yeah
01:24:50Merry Christmas
01:24:51Merry Christmas
01:24:52Happy holiday
01:24:55Merry Christmas
01:24:57Come on
01:24:57Merry Christmas
01:24:59Merry Christmas
01:25:01And happy holiday
01:25:04It's a wonderful feeling
01:25:06Feel the love in the room
01:25:08From the floor to the ceiling
01:25:09It's that time of year
01:25:12Christmas time is here
01:25:14And the blessings from above
01:25:16God sent you his love
01:25:18Everything's okay
01:25:20Merry Christmas, happy holiday
01:25:23Come on now
01:25:25Merry Christmas
01:25:26Let me hear you
01:25:28Merry Christmas
01:25:29And happy holiday
01:25:32Merry Christmas
01:25:33Merry Christmas
01:25:35Oh yeah
01:25:36Merry Christmas
01:25:38And happy holiday
01:25:41Merry Christmas
01:25:43Merry Christmas
01:25:45Come on now
01:25:46Merry Christmas
01:25:47Happy holiday
01:25:50Peace!
Comments