- 7 hours ago
Holiday in Handcuffs (2007) [Full Movie] [Full Episodes]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:14I'm not crazy.
00:00:16I'm a long way from crazy.
00:00:20Doing one crazy thing does not make a person crazy.
00:00:24Though I have to admit this isn't how I expected to be spending my Christmas.
00:00:28And I'm sure it's not how David Martin planned on spending his.
00:00:33So, you've been walking for what, about an hour?
00:00:36And you've gone exactly 1.8 miles.
00:00:39The nearest gas station is 20 miles away.
00:00:42You do the math.
00:00:45Look, why don't you just come back to the house, we'll make some hot chocolate, okay?
00:01:00Are you okay?
00:01:02Nothing smart to say?
00:01:04Is your face frozen?
00:01:08You are the devil.
00:01:35The day started out like every other day.
00:01:37Which lately, is not necessarily a good thing.
00:02:07Is there?
00:02:08The only thing you can do when it's crazy.
00:02:13Is I'm not happy if I had reached up to the sky.
00:02:18Believe you got something special.
00:02:20Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:02:22There's no matter who can find me.
00:02:24Oh, crap.
00:02:26Trudy, that word is so tacky.
00:02:28Hi, Mom.
00:02:29Hi, honey.
00:02:30We're just getting organized here.
00:02:31We had to bring everything.
00:02:32You never know with a rental.
00:02:34So, you have directions and everything?
00:02:36I do.
00:02:36I'm going to be doing seating arrangements for dinner, so I just wanted to make sure that
00:02:40Nick is still coming with you.
00:02:42Of course he is.
00:02:45Cocktails?
00:02:45At six sharp?
00:02:47I know, Mom.
00:02:51We are so excited to meet him, honey.
00:02:53It's going to be a very special Christmas.
00:02:55Do you think he could be the one?
00:02:56I don't know, Mom.
00:02:58Oh.
00:02:59Yeah, maybe he could.
00:03:01Look, I don't have time to talk about this right now.
00:03:03Um, I've got to get ready for the interview.
00:03:05Oh, oh, oh, wait, wait, wait.
00:03:06Wear your Christmas dress.
00:03:07It's a great color on you, and the style really slims your hips.
00:03:12Mom, no, I'm already dressed.
00:03:14And please, for Christmas this year, no more pink sweaters.
00:03:17Please.
00:03:17Honey, pink is the best color on you with your blue eyes and your hair.
00:03:21Well, I don't even know if it fits anymore.
00:03:22I am telling you, you have to dress some job.
00:03:24Okay.
00:03:25Okay.
00:03:26Okay.
00:03:27No, no, no, no, no.
00:03:28I don't have time to talk to...
00:03:29Hi, Dad.
00:03:30Listen, um, you told Mr. Portnoy that I don't have any sales.
00:03:34Well, what do you mean?
00:03:35You sold him lemonade.
00:03:35I sold him lemonade when I was 10, when he called me little pootie.
00:03:40Listen, never take no for an answer, and do not leave that room until the job is yours, okay?
00:03:44Okay, well, what did you tell him I've been doing?
00:03:47Well, I didn't.
00:03:47I just said you're a late bloomer, but that you're ready to get your life together.
00:03:51You make me proud.
00:03:52I can't wait to see you.
00:03:53Love you.
00:03:53Okay.
00:03:54Drive safe, okay?
00:03:55Bye.
00:03:55Love you.
00:03:57I can feel it, honey.
00:03:58I think things are turning around for you.
00:04:01Okay.
00:04:01Bye, Mom.
00:04:02Oh, honey, honey, be sure to do something with your hair.
00:04:06Oh, my God.
00:04:08Oh, no!
00:04:10This can't be happening!
00:04:12Ah!
00:04:39You f***!
00:04:56Hi, Trudy Chandler.
00:04:57I have a, um...
00:04:57You're late.
00:04:58I know.
00:04:58I'm sorry, I...
00:04:59He can't see you now.
00:05:00Oh, no, no.
00:05:01I know I'm a little late, but you don't understand.
00:05:03You see, my parents and Mr. Portnoy are neighbors, so my dad set this appointment, so it's very
00:05:07important that I see him.
00:05:08If it was so important, you should have been on time.
00:05:11He's in with his next interview.
00:05:13No.
00:05:15No, he can't be.
00:05:16No.
00:05:16I can't miss this interview.
00:05:22Don't even think about it.
00:05:29Mr. Portnoy, it's me!
00:05:31Little pooty from the corner?
00:05:32Come on!
00:05:34Come on!
00:05:35You know I can sell!
00:05:35I need more money than any of those other girls on the street!
00:05:38We have a code red up here.
00:05:44Things are finally turning around for me.
00:05:59How'd it go?
00:06:00I'm pretty sure I didn't get it.
00:06:02Hey, hey, what are you doing?
00:06:03I don't pay you to chitty-tap with a friend, okay?
00:06:05Get to work, or you'll be out in the gutter.
00:06:07Shut up, Taj.
00:06:08You're gonna fire me like I'm gonna sleep with you.
00:06:11He would not keep his great-grandfather's gun here
00:06:13if he knew how close I come to killing him every day.
00:06:16Oh, my God.
00:06:18Oh, I left it in too long.
00:06:20My mom's always complaining that my hair hangs in my face.
00:06:22Oh, my God.
00:06:25It's my Christmas dress.
00:06:27My mom got it for me.
00:06:28Taj is really into Christmas this year.
00:06:31But he's Hindu.
00:06:35How do I look?
00:06:37Oh, sweetie.
00:06:38Oh.
00:06:39Lucy, I completely blew the interview.
00:06:42I can't believe I have to go home today.
00:06:43There's gonna be nowhere to hide.
00:06:45I mean, my mom wanted this to be a special Christmas,
00:06:46so she rented a cabin in the middle of nowhere.
00:06:49We're gonna be trapped like the Shining.
00:06:52I'm sorry.
00:06:54I'd offer to come with you,
00:06:55but Steve and I are having our first Christmas alone together.
00:06:58That's okay.
00:06:58I still have one more chance for survival.
00:07:00Nick's coming with me.
00:07:01Table two wants that check.
00:07:02Table two.
00:07:02What?
00:07:03That's a little fast, isn't it?
00:07:05No, it's been a couple months.
00:07:07Besides, I have nothing to offer these people.
00:07:08No husband, no grandchildren.
00:07:10My dad already thinks I'm a lesbian.
00:07:12So you're using Nick to get your parents off your back?
00:07:14Yes.
00:07:15No.
00:07:15He's just great at first impressions.
00:07:17My parents are gonna love him.
00:07:18I don't know what you have against him anyway.
00:07:20I guess Elita's jackhouses aren't my type.
00:07:22They're not yours either.
00:07:24So his family owns banks.
00:07:25And what's wrong with wealthy and successful for a change?
00:07:27It's easy to be wealthy and successful
00:07:29if you're born into wealth and handed success.
00:07:31Well, he's coming to pick me up at two o'clock,
00:07:32so can you please try to control the chronic bitchitis, please?
00:07:36Check, check.
00:07:36Table two, check.
00:07:38Hurry up.
00:07:40I said I wanted a hot fudge, you chowder head.
00:07:45Nice.
00:07:47Excuse me.
00:07:52When are you gonna quit this heinous job?
00:07:54Oh, you're here.
00:07:55Yes.
00:07:57Oh my God.
00:07:59What happened to you?
00:08:00Believe it or not, I was trying not to attract attention from my parents.
00:08:03Yeah, about that.
00:08:04I think I'm gonna pass on the whole holiday song and dance.
00:08:07What is that supposed to mean?
00:08:09Oh, just meeting your parents is a whole other level
00:08:10and I don't think we're there yet.
00:08:12Oh, uh-huh.
00:08:13Okay, okay.
00:08:14Uh-huh.
00:08:14Well, um, do you think that maybe in, like, the next ten minutes
00:08:17we could get to that level?
00:08:18Because my parents are expecting you to come home with me.
00:08:21I don't think we're ever gonna get there, sweetheart.
00:08:23You can't bail on me now, Nick.
00:08:25Nick, I mean, you know, cocktails are at six o'clock sharp.
00:08:29I need you.
00:08:30Yeah, the needy thing, not a turn-on.
00:08:33I can't believe this.
00:08:34I mean, this is not happening.
00:08:36Why did you tell me you were gonna come home with me for Christmas
00:08:38if you were never gonna do it?
00:08:40Because I knew that that's what you wanted to hear.
00:08:43You know, we hadn't had sex yet, so...
00:08:48Yeah, see you later.
00:08:51Wait!
00:08:53If you walk out that door now, we are so over.
00:08:59Uh, yeah.
00:09:01Okay.
00:09:09Oh, my God.
00:09:10Oh, my God.
00:09:11Oh, my God.
00:09:12Oh, my God.
00:09:12Hey, what's up?
00:09:13I'm waiting for Jessica.
00:09:14Right over there.
00:09:15Dude, of course I'm sure.
00:09:17So wish me luck, okay?
00:09:19Bye.
00:09:25Hey, hey, hey, wake up.
00:09:27Come on, hurry up.
00:09:28Customer, table 10.
00:09:29Go, go, go.
00:09:30Took you long enough.
00:09:35What can I get for you?
00:09:38Uh, I'll take a cheeseburger and fries and a Caesar salad, please.
00:09:42Dressing on the side.
00:09:47Do you need to write it down?
00:10:02Yes.
00:10:08Do you need to write it down?
00:10:13that's what you wanted to hear and we hadn't had sex yet i don't think we're ever going to get
00:10:16this sweetheart you okay where's nick oh merry christmas yeah what is that ringing
00:10:31what is that hello mom trudy i knew it you haven't laughed yet have you i'm sorry mom
00:10:40i said six o'clock honey what part of that did you not understand you know trudy the entire world
00:10:45can
00:10:46manage to be on time why can't you do this one thing for me are you trying to ruin christmas
00:10:52trudy we're leaving now nick's bringing dinner clothes right yeah he's wearing a blue blazer
00:10:59dress shirt pink tie did you plan the matching thing no we didn't plan it get in the car
00:11:12excuse me you're not going to the bathroom oh this isn't the restroom you're coming with me
00:11:17no i'm going to the bathroom uh look i'm i'm not sure what kind of government-sponsored work
00:11:24program you're part of but i what the hell is that it's a gun are you sure yeah it's a
00:11:30gun it was used
00:11:31to fight the british maybe you heard of a little thing called the indian war of independence 1857
00:11:36you're kidding right hey watch it
00:11:52for the love of god
00:12:00wake up wake up
00:12:08ah you blitzen excuse you i'm looking for my boyfriend handsome nice dimples handsome nice dimples
00:12:18don't see him maybe this is his way of dumping you
00:12:38hi
00:12:39hi
00:12:41how's your head
00:12:43how about i take the blindfold off now how'd that be
00:12:58look i'm not sure what's going on or what you want from me but this plan doesn't seem very well
00:13:04thought out let's face it i'm a guy and sooner or later i will overpower you yeah good point unless
00:13:11you
00:13:11knock yourself out first or i shoot you you seem like a nice girl probably nothing a little lithium
00:13:21couldn't fix come on you're not really gonna shoot me with that thing
00:13:30oh my god
00:13:33oh my god
00:13:39sorry
00:13:52so this is the deal you're coming home with me to spend christmas with my family as my boyfriend nick
00:13:57who
00:13:57unfortunately couldn't make it i'm not doing anything like that loading tunes uh you don't
00:14:02exactly have a choice dwayne it's david and
00:14:09your boyfriend dumped you no i told you he couldn't make it right
00:14:14you're one of those hairy lady man-hater types who's been rejected time after time and now you're
00:14:21taking it out on an innocent bystander what no i'm not
00:14:40gas gas station green and white sign
00:14:42good right hey you know there's no way you're gonna pull this off right what are you gonna do
00:14:49hold the gun on me during christmas dinner the second i get to your house and tell your family
00:14:53how demented you are hey hey that's getting personal hey what are you doing no cell phone
00:15:01it's in my coat it's in my coat at the diner where i left it before i was kidnapped
00:15:14man what is this stuff made of
00:15:19oh hello
00:15:28uh just ten dollars worth and this
00:15:41there you go i usually pump the gas for the pretty ladies oh please that's not necessary oh you wouldn't
00:15:49want it didn't i an old man one of the few pleasures he has left oh no really you don't
00:15:54have to do
00:15:55that i can handle it whoa what's going on here sweetheart oh well that's my boyfriend i'm surprising
00:16:01him with a weekend in the woods you know the the wild kind of weekend that tie me up tie
00:16:06me down kind
00:16:07yeah you better come with me young lady oh i really don't have time
00:16:29these are on the house honey oh thanks well you better watch out or i'll come back for you next
00:16:47okay okay so this kidnapping just got a little bit more professional
00:16:54you're kidding
00:17:01and more comfy too right and just slightly more humiliating
00:17:08lucky little bastard
00:17:25look i'd like to apologize for earlier for raising my voice and
00:17:29for
00:17:30you know shooting near your manhood
00:17:37beef jerky
00:17:41thank you that's very kind
00:17:43okay so i think we should share a few important facts about each other
00:17:47oh my gosh um
00:17:50you're some sort of a vice president of uh a company your father owns
00:17:57okay that's a yes
00:18:00um your parents bought your first house
00:18:03um you sail and golf i'm guessing a 14 handicap and you're probably some sort of a zeta beta beta
00:18:13shmata
00:18:15okay yes yes and yes
00:18:18i'm a 10 handicap oh how great for you well i think it's safe to say i've lost my job
00:18:24at taj's
00:18:25diner deluxe i live in a crappy loft downtown i don't golf yeah that pretty much sums it up
00:18:53okay i'll be right back
00:19:10oh
00:19:11Oh, there she is.
00:19:13Look who's here.
00:19:14Oh, my baby.
00:19:18Mom, don't cry.
00:19:19Let me look at you.
00:19:20Oh, my gosh, what have you done to your hair?
00:19:22You look like one of those actresses in a pornographic movie.
00:19:25I have porn star hair.
00:19:26How do you even know what a porn star looks like?
00:19:28Trudy.
00:19:30Oh, well, let me look at the dress.
00:19:31Ah, it looks gorgeous.
00:19:33What do you think, Richard?
00:19:34It gets too tight.
00:19:35Hi, Dad.
00:19:36So, what the hell happened today?
00:19:38I don't know.
00:19:39I was late.
00:19:39Mr. Portnoy did this as a favor.
00:19:41Hey, you know what?
00:19:42It's a reflection on me.
00:19:43I know, and I'm sorry.
00:19:44I'm sorry, could we not talk about this now?
00:19:46I don't want to ruin Christmas by all this negative talk.
00:19:49Where's Nick?
00:19:50Oh, he's in the car.
00:19:51But I wanted to tell you guys.
00:19:53You know when we go to a restaurant and Dad tells jokes to the waitresses
00:19:56and they're stupid and embarrassing, but he thinks it's funny?
00:19:58Mm-hmm.
00:19:59Well, sometimes when Nick feels awkward in a social situation,
00:20:02he does this whole, I didn't want to be here, I've been kidnapped thing.
00:20:07Kind of weird, but he thinks it's funny.
00:20:08So, uh, just laugh along so it doesn't make him feel bad, okay?
00:20:15Okay.
00:20:17We're very excited to meet him.
00:20:19Okay, well, Dad, please try not to embarrass him, okay?
00:20:21Yeah, fine.
00:20:30Okay, we're on.
00:20:32No, I'm not going.
00:20:34Well, it's nice and warm in the house.
00:20:35You'll freeze to death out here.
00:20:38Fine.
00:20:38The charade's about to end right now.
00:20:51Welcome.
00:20:53Oh, this is so, so special.
00:20:55You are the first boyfriend Trudy's ever brought home.
00:20:57Yeah, we thought maybe she liked the innies.
00:21:00You know, not the outies.
00:21:02Richard!
00:21:03You know what I mean?
00:21:05Okay, listen to me very carefully.
00:21:08She forced me to come here.
00:21:10This woman held me at gunpoint, kidnapped me, and brought me to this house as her hostage.
00:21:22I see what you mean.
00:21:24What are you laughing at?
00:21:25Did you just hear me?
00:21:26Yeah.
00:21:27Your daughter is a crazy, dangerous criminal.
00:21:30Yes, she is.
00:21:32Would you like some eggnog?
00:21:33I have a secret ingredient that makes all the difference.
00:21:36It's ground cloves.
00:21:39What's the matter with you people?
00:21:40Are you all nuts?
00:21:42All right, honey, that's enough.
00:21:43I will be right back.
00:21:44You have yourself a seat, Nick.
00:21:45My name is not Nick.
00:21:47Yeah, he does that too.
00:21:48And I will not have a seat.
00:21:49Okay, well, I'm going to go help Mom with the eggnog.
00:21:53Okay.
00:22:01Come on.
00:22:02Nick, have a seat.
00:22:03Come on.
00:22:05Mom, I was wondering if I could be key master this year.
00:22:08Really?
00:22:09Usually you hate the idea of key master.
00:22:11Yeah, you know, the idea of being forcibly trapped at the holidays used to bother me,
00:22:14but now I see the higher social purpose.
00:22:18Uh-huh.
00:22:18Well, are you sure you can handle Grandma?
00:22:20You know how she is.
00:22:21And that's before she dips into the eggnog.
00:22:23She's like 75 years old.
00:22:24Yes, but she's still freakishly strong.
00:22:27I think I can handle it.
00:22:30I'm trusting you.
00:23:07Hello!
00:23:13Hello!
00:23:15Is anyone out there?
00:23:23Help.
00:23:37Look, sir, I think I can clear up the situation and we can forget the whole thing ever happened.
00:23:42I just need to use a phone.
00:23:43No phones in the house.
00:23:46What about a cell phone?
00:23:47Ah, the key master's got all the cell phones.
00:23:50Apparently, it interferes with our quality family time.
00:23:54You're a little kid.
00:23:55What are you going to do?
00:23:56Whoa, these places.
00:23:58Oh, my God.
00:23:59Gang's all here.
00:24:01Hey!
00:24:02Hi, Todd.
00:24:02My kids get so good looking.
00:24:04Oh, hi.
00:24:04Most beautiful girl in the world.
00:24:06Merry Christmas.
00:24:06Yeah, I want to hear all about school.
00:24:08Hey!
00:24:09I'm glorious, Dad.
00:24:10I'm good.
00:24:10That's my boy.
00:24:12So glad you're here.
00:24:12Gosh, you look stunning.
00:24:14Have you lost weight?
00:24:15No.
00:24:15I cut out dairy, though.
00:24:17You look fantastic.
00:24:18Thanks, Mom.
00:24:19Mom.
00:24:19Hi!
00:24:20Wow.
00:24:21Mom, you have really made it look perfect and Christmassy.
00:24:24Yeah, some digs.
00:24:26Mom, would you cash in Dad's 401k?
00:24:28Hey.
00:24:29Hey, where's Jen?
00:24:30I thought she was coming.
00:24:30I told you she had to stay in town to work.
00:24:32I'm lucky I could take the time off.
00:24:33You work too hard.
00:24:34Well, markets don't stop when I'm not there, Ma.
00:24:37Hey, numbnuts, come here.
00:24:39Look at his hair.
00:24:40What is that?
00:24:40What is that?
00:24:41Jake, Jake, we have company.
00:24:43I would like you to meet Trudy's boyfriend, Nick.
00:24:45Hey, nice to meet you.
00:24:46I'm not her boyfriend.
00:24:48I met her today when she poked a musket in my ribs,
00:24:51tied me up with furry handcuffs,
00:24:52and drove me to wherever I am right now.
00:24:55Furry handcuffs.
00:24:56Now I'm embarrassed.
00:25:02He's, it's a, oh, it's a whole thing.
00:25:04All right, come here.
00:25:05Look, Jake, is it Jake?
00:25:06You look like a reasonable person.
00:25:08Listen to me, man.
00:25:09You may think your sister is normal, but she's not.
00:25:13Believe me, she is a psychopath.
00:25:16Tell me about it, huh?
00:25:19All right, I want eggnog.
00:25:21Come on, Nick.
00:25:23Merry Christmas, come on.
00:25:24Come on.
00:25:32Okay, Nick, you'll be in here.
00:25:34And Trudy?
00:25:35I am 27 years old.
00:25:36I'm going to sleep in the same room as my boyfriend.
00:25:38End of story.
00:25:40Oh.
00:25:41Okay, dear.
00:25:46Yeah, you better get used to these bunk beds,
00:25:48because that's what you're going to be sharing
00:25:50with your new jail buddies, Mad Dog and Roz.
00:25:53Why don't you try and relax?
00:25:55Oh, make no mistake, freak show.
00:25:57I will find a way out of here.
00:25:59And what's going to keep me going
00:26:00is the look on your twisted face
00:26:02as they haul you off to the slammer.
00:26:05You know, you might as well settle down,
00:26:07because there's no way out of here.
00:26:08See, as the key master,
00:26:09I have control of all the car keys and cell phones,
00:26:11which I've hidden quite well, if I do say so myself.
00:26:15So, you might as well try and get a good night's sleep,
00:26:17because we have a couple of big days ahead of us, schnookums.
00:26:46Be the key master.
00:26:48Be the key master.
00:27:10There's got to be a neighbor somewhere.
00:27:33So, you've been walking for what, about an hour?
00:27:41Look, why don't you just come back to the house?
00:27:43We'll make some hot chocolate, okay?
00:27:54No hot chocolate for you, then?
00:28:17Hello?
00:28:19Hey, it's me.
00:28:20What happened to you yesterday?
00:28:21You looked kind of strange,
00:28:22and then I turned around and you were gone.
00:28:24Are you okay?
00:28:24Yeah, I'm fine.
00:28:26Well, not exactly fine.
00:28:29I think I had a little bit of a nervous breakdown.
00:28:31I didn't know they came in sizes.
00:28:33Yeah, and I did something kind of crazy.
00:28:47Hey!
00:28:48Good morning.
00:28:49Morning.
00:28:49Come on, sit down.
00:28:50I'll make you a special breakfast.
00:28:52It's not that big of a deal.
00:28:53It's not that big of a deal.
00:28:57You have to let him go right now.
00:28:58What are you going to do after the holiday?
00:29:00You can't keep him.
00:29:01He's not a puppy.
00:29:02I know.
00:29:03Look, I haven't thought that far ahead,
00:29:04but I'll figure it out.
00:29:05Hope you like eggs, Benedict,
00:29:06and I hope you're hungry.
00:29:09A little fruit salad.
00:29:11Here you go.
00:29:19You didn't sleep in those clothes, did you?
00:29:22Yeah, I'm trying to tell you that.
00:29:23Oh, you know, in all the chaos, we forgot his suitcase.
00:29:27That's right.
00:29:28I left it at the diner.
00:29:30You know, I should really call about that bunny.
00:29:32Could I borrow your phone, please?
00:29:34Sorry, I didn't bring my phone, sweet pea.
00:29:35Yes, you did.
00:29:37It's in your...
00:29:40Trudy!
00:29:43You were supposed to put that away.
00:29:45Right.
00:29:46Forgot.
00:29:48I'll go get you something to wear while I wash your clothes.
00:29:50Richard always brings a few things
00:29:51he thinks he'll be able to fit into
00:29:53if you lose ten pounds.
00:29:59Give me the phone.
00:30:00Come and get it.
00:30:01Give me it!
00:30:02No!
00:30:08You know, I ran track in high school.
00:30:10I played football.
00:30:11My nickname was Flash.
00:30:12Ooh, scary.
00:30:20You know, I was also really good at home ec.
00:30:23Really?
00:30:24That's useful.
00:30:25Right.
00:30:25It is.
00:30:26Because I was really good at making one dish.
00:30:28What's that?
00:30:30Beef tenderloin.
00:30:33Extra tender.
00:30:35Don't do it!
00:30:35Don't do it!
00:30:42Here you go, Nick.
00:30:56This sucks.
00:30:58So the sheepdog says.
00:31:00So the sheepdog don't talk.
00:31:02Is that gut?
00:31:03Did you get it?
00:31:04No.
00:31:06No.
00:31:16I forgot the extra virgin olive oil.
00:31:19How could that have happened?
00:31:29I'd be happy to go to the store for you.
00:31:31No, Mom.
00:31:33I should go.
00:31:34It'd be rude to send a guest.
00:31:36It is a long drive.
00:31:37No, really.
00:31:38It'd be my pleasure.
00:31:40Well, Nick, thank you so much.
00:31:42But you know what?
00:31:42Richard will drive.
00:31:43You go with him.
00:31:44Mom.
00:31:44Trudy, Trudy.
00:31:45I'm going to need your help, honey.
00:31:46And this is a good opportunity for the men to, you know, have some quality time together.
00:31:49Mom!
00:31:50Gertrude.
00:31:50Marie.
00:31:54Well, come on, Nick.
00:31:56Richard will drive.
00:31:57You go get the keys.
00:32:13This shouldn't do the damage.
00:32:15I don't know what you were thinking.
00:32:17Who perms their hair anymore?
00:32:20No offense, but this look says desperate.
00:32:23Guys can tell when you're trying too hard.
00:32:26So you dating anyone at law school, Katie?
00:32:28I'm dating a few guys.
00:32:30Katie?
00:32:31I didn't say I slept with them.
00:32:33I'm not a slut.
00:32:35I know.
00:32:36I just want to know how Trudy hooked up with Nick.
00:32:39He is so hot.
00:32:41Oh, I just gave him no choice.
00:32:44But to love me.
00:32:45Yeah, well, he is something.
00:32:47He's well-spoken.
00:32:48He's successful.
00:32:49He's handsome.
00:32:50I think your father's taking a liking to him.
00:32:52I'm sure they're bonding.
00:32:54I'm sure they're bonding.
00:33:04Mr. You have to help me.
00:33:06I've been kidnapped.
00:33:07Let me guess.
00:33:08By a sexy lady in a pink dress.
00:33:11Yes, yes, you remember.
00:33:13And she tied you up in blindfolded.
00:33:16Yes, yes, that's right.
00:33:17That's right.
00:33:18And she spanks you and does naughty things.
00:33:21What are you doing?
00:33:23Oh, that's disgusting.
00:33:25Extra virgin olive oil.
00:33:28What does that mean?
00:33:30Can you really be an extra virgin?
00:33:35That little woman at home loves to have everything lathered up in oil.
00:33:40Not that I'm complaining.
00:33:41That's the best thing about the holidays.
00:33:44No guilt.
00:33:46Right, son?
00:33:50Oh.
00:34:03Where in God's name are we?
00:34:05I'm freezing my ta-tas off.
00:34:08Well, Merry Christmas to you too, Grandma.
00:34:09No, don't call me that.
00:34:24All right, old man.
00:34:25I'm not leaving here until you help me.
00:34:27I'm coming back there and I'm going to use that phone.
00:34:28There's not going to be any trouble in my store, super freak.
00:34:33Now back that ass up nice and slow.
00:34:52I'm going to turn the radio...
00:35:00Get out of here!
00:35:03Calm down, son.
00:35:05I just want to go home.
00:35:07Oh, I know.
00:35:08Relationships can seem suffocating at times, but, you know, it'll be nice.
00:35:17Oh, now, don't you worry.
00:35:18This will be our little secret.
00:35:29There it is.
00:35:30Sweet.
00:35:31What's wrong?
00:35:31Don't take the pieces from my side, please.
00:35:33There's pieces missing.
00:35:34Hey, hey!
00:35:35How'd it go?
00:35:37Everything's fine, honey.
00:35:38Yeah?
00:35:39Everything's fine.
00:35:47Oh, just like Paul Newman.
00:35:51Nice, firm...
00:35:52Grandma!
00:35:53A Dolores Grant.
00:35:55Nice to meet you.
00:35:57Hey, dude, I got some clothes you can borrow.
00:35:59Come on.
00:36:01Whatever.
00:36:01Thanks, man.
00:36:10I didn't like those pants anyway.
00:36:13Here.
00:36:15Try those.
00:36:22You have a phone?
00:36:24Yeah.
00:36:25Keep it to yourself that you know how my mom is about phones at Christmas.
00:36:29Uh, I need to make a call.
00:36:32Could I borrow it for a minute?
00:36:35Sure.
00:36:38Thanks.
00:36:56I'll be out in a minute!
00:36:58Let's go in there, sunshine.
00:37:00Hi, you've reached Jessica's voicemail.
00:37:01Damn it.
00:37:10Maria.
00:37:14Hello?
00:37:16Mrs. Barber, it's David.
00:37:17Hello, darling.
00:37:19Merry Christmas.
00:37:20I was looking for Jessica, but I don't have time for that.
00:37:22Listen, I've been taken hostage.
00:37:24Maria, I can't reach my drink.
00:37:28Mrs. Barber, are you there?
00:37:30Let me get Jessica for you, darling.
00:37:32Jessica!
00:37:33No, no, no, no, Mrs. Barber, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:37:35Maria?
00:37:36Maria!
00:37:38Oh, no, Mrs. Barber.
00:37:41Not again.
00:37:44Hey, where's Nick?
00:37:46He's on the phone.
00:37:48Phone?
00:37:48What phone?
00:37:49My phone.
00:37:51Oh, man!
00:37:55Oh, man!
00:38:01Hello?
00:38:03Hello?
00:38:03Jessica!
00:38:04Who's this?
00:38:05It's David.
00:38:06Look, I've got something really important to tell you.
00:38:08Really?
00:38:09Because you said that you had something important to say yesterday, and then you stood me up.
00:38:16Is my boyfriend in there?
00:38:17Daisy May has been in there primping for ten minutes.
00:38:20Open the door!
00:38:21I was getting my Gamma Pie Delta alumni luncheon to meet you.
00:38:24Jessica, please listen to me.
00:38:25And I am sure that Betsy Palmer jumped at the chance to campaign for my spot as social chair.
00:38:31Open this door!
00:38:33I was on Broadway once.
00:38:36Hey!
00:38:37I was kidnapped from the restaurant yesterday by a waitress.
00:38:40She's about 5'2".
00:38:42She's got crazy hair and crazy eyes.
00:38:47If this is your way of getting out of Christmas Eve with my parents...
00:38:50Listen to me.
00:38:51I'm a couple hours outside the city.
00:38:53North, I think.
00:38:54It's a log cabin.
00:38:56Six plus four.
00:38:57Rustic charm.
00:38:58Are you drunk?
00:38:59Please, sweetheart.
00:39:01I love you.
00:39:02The important thing yesterday...
00:39:04I was going to propose.
00:39:07Propose?
00:39:09Go to the police and tell them what's happened.
00:39:13Jessica, are you there?
00:39:14Oh!
00:39:16You're serious?
00:39:18Yes!
00:39:21I have to go.
00:39:34Did you talk to someone on the phone?
00:39:36Nope.
00:39:37Couldn't get any reception in the bathroom.
00:39:39I don't believe you.
00:39:40You talked to someone.
00:39:42Okay.
00:39:43You're right.
00:39:44I did.
00:39:44And it's only a matter of time now until I'm broken out of this asylum.
00:39:50But I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
00:39:52Until that time, I've decided I'm going to help you.
00:39:56I'm going to be the best boyfriend ever and your parents are going to fall in love with me.
00:40:02Why would you do that?
00:40:04Because it's going to be more satisfying for me when your family learns the truth about you.
00:40:17You have to swing your hips in conjunction with your shoulders.
00:40:20If you watch Tiger, it's all connected.
00:40:23One fluid motion.
00:40:25There you go.
00:40:26Playing through.
00:40:28Okay.
00:40:29So, what is it you do, Nick?
00:40:32I work for a real estate development company.
00:40:35Really?
00:40:35Which one?
00:40:36Barber and Partners.
00:40:37I know Barber and Partners.
00:40:38That's a good company.
00:40:40My friend did some legal work for you on the Pinehurst condos.
00:40:42Oh, okay.
00:40:43What do you do there?
00:40:44I'm a vice president of new business.
00:40:47You know, there was a time we thought Trudy, with all her causes, might go to law school like her
00:40:52sister Katie.
00:40:53Being a Democrat is not a cause, Dad.
00:40:56But she got her degree in liberal arts.
00:40:59Fine arts, Dad.
00:40:59I don't even know what that means.
00:41:01It's an expensive way to say, do you want fries with that?
00:41:06Yeah, that's...
00:41:09Homemade ornaments.
00:41:10Yeah.
00:41:11Trudy made that when she was five.
00:41:13She was a little withdrawn as a child.
00:41:15Okay, Mom.
00:41:16You know, her brother and sister are so outgoing, and they had so many friends, but Trudy was, I don't
00:41:20know, a little antisocial.
00:41:22Really?
00:41:23We even paid a little boy down the street to be her friend, but he gave us our money back.
00:41:27All right.
00:41:30So from then on, it was Trudy and her projects, and of course, Bobo Blankers.
00:41:37Bobo Blankers?
00:41:38Her imaginary friend.
00:41:39Thanks, Mom.
00:41:40Thanks a lot.
00:41:41What?
00:41:41What was that?
00:41:42Are you talking to Bobo Blankers right now?
00:41:45I have an idea.
00:41:46Why don't we let Nick put the angel up on the tree this year?
00:41:48Um, Mom, I've been doing it since I was four years old.
00:41:52You know, remember when Dad used to hold me up to the top of the tree, and I was so
00:41:55cute up there?
00:41:56I know, honey.
00:41:57You don't be selfish.
00:41:58I know.
00:42:00Dad, it's my thing.
00:42:01I mean, this is my moment.
00:42:02You know, it's tradition.
00:42:03Does anyone care about that anymore?
00:42:05Trudy, what's wrong with starting a new tradition?
00:42:08Nick.
00:42:08Nick.
00:42:09Up the tree.
00:42:10Oh, thanks.
00:42:11All right.
00:42:15Hey, there she is.
00:42:18Nick!
00:42:19Nick!
00:42:20Nick!
00:42:20Get back!
00:42:20I got him!
00:42:21I love you!
00:42:22Okay, wait.
00:42:23Ah!
00:42:25Ah!
00:42:25Ah!
00:42:26Ah!
00:42:27Ah!
00:42:28Ah!
00:42:29Ah!
00:42:30Ah!
00:42:31Ah!
00:42:33Ah!
00:42:34Ah!
00:42:35Ah!
00:42:38Ah!
00:42:51This is really a great place.
00:42:53You know, there's an incredible craftsmanship that goes into a cabin like this.
00:42:57I'd say this is Adirondack style with a contemporary twist.
00:43:01Yes, in the Adirondacks, I starred in a revival of Madea.
00:43:05Yes, we know that, Mother.
00:43:07You don't need to shout, dear.
00:43:09I'm not deaf.
00:43:10Okay.
00:43:13Nick, would you like another piece of pie?
00:43:15Sure.
00:43:17Oh, Trudy, would you get another piece of pie, please?
00:43:20Well, he knows where the kitchen is.
00:43:23Are you trying to ruin Christmas?
00:43:28Oh, thank you, Bunnykins!
00:43:31Oh, thank you, Bunnykins!
00:43:34Nick, every Christmas Eve, we read, "'Twas the Night Before Christmas," and I was wondering
00:43:39if, maybe, you would like to do the honors?
00:43:41Yeah.
00:43:43Yes, yes.
00:43:43Come on there.
00:43:45Really?
00:43:46Oh, wow.
00:43:48Okay.
00:43:49That's it.
00:43:50I've had enough.
00:43:53Oh.
00:43:58Uh, I'm gonna...
00:44:01Yeah.
00:44:09What's the matter with you?
00:44:11What's the matter with me?
00:44:12They're fawning all over you, like the last piece of filet mignon.
00:44:15That's what you wanted.
00:44:16Isn't that the whole point of all this?
00:44:17Yeah, but...
00:44:19But what?
00:44:20My family likes you more than they like me.
00:44:29I didn't even want to read the stupid story.
00:44:31So don't read the story.
00:44:32I don't care if you read the story.
00:44:35Well, then fine.
00:44:35Then I'm gonna read the story.
00:44:39Fine.
00:44:39Fine.
00:44:43Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
00:44:46Love this pie.
00:44:47Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
00:44:51Is, um, everything okay?
00:44:54Yeah, it's fine, Mom.
00:44:56Okay, here we go.
00:44:59Twas the night before Christmas.
00:45:01Went all through the house.
00:45:03Not a creature was stirring.
00:45:05Not even a mouse.
00:45:07The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
00:45:10in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
00:45:15The children were nestled all snug in their beds
00:45:18while visions of sugar clumps danced to the house.
00:45:36Mom, we don't have to leave Oreos and milk for Santa this year.
00:45:39What if Santa's hungry?
00:45:42Will you put that away?
00:45:43Mm-hmm.
00:45:46Mom, come on.
00:45:46We're all adults here.
00:45:47We don't have to write letters.
00:45:48How is Santa gonna know what you want?
00:45:55Good night.
00:45:55Good night.
00:46:01You can't eat those.
00:46:03What's it gonna look like if Santa doesn't eat his cookies?
00:46:07Well, it figures you're a dunker.
00:46:09Of course.
00:46:10What are you, a twister?
00:46:13It's so wrong in so many ways.
00:46:16All right, let's get this over with.
00:46:20Oh, this is so dumb.
00:46:22I hope you're not expecting much from Santa.
00:46:24A federal offense probably puts you on the naughty list this year.
00:46:28Laugh it up.
00:46:29You gotta do one, too.
00:46:31Hmm?
00:46:34This may take a while.
00:46:43I'm gonna ask for a new, fully loaded SUV.
00:46:47Hmm, interesting.
00:46:49I'm gonna ask for an end to global warming.
00:46:52What, you think my list is superficial?
00:46:54I don't know.
00:46:54Let me see it.
00:46:55No.
00:46:57You want a pasta machine?
00:46:59I like to cook.
00:47:01Don't you want something more, you know, meaningful?
00:47:03I have everything I want.
00:47:05Great job.
00:47:07Beautiful girlfriend.
00:47:13Let me see yours.
00:47:16Tiki lights.
00:47:18Chinese teapot.
00:47:19Stop disappointing my parents.
00:47:25Come on, I'm sure that's not true.
00:47:28Believe me, it's true.
00:47:30Look, your parents are good people.
00:47:32They love you.
00:47:35I just wish for once they'd look at me, you know, the way they look at you.
00:47:41They do.
00:47:42They don't.
00:47:46The best Christmas I ever had, I was ten.
00:47:49I was taking figure skating lessons, and I was supposed to have this big recital on Christmas Eve.
00:47:54There was this huge snowstorm, and they canceled it.
00:47:57Ugh, I was so upset.
00:47:59But our house had this patio on the back, and my dad shoveled it and ran the hose over it
00:48:03and made ice.
00:48:04And my mom put lights in all the trees in the backyard.
00:48:07Ugh, the glow was so beautiful.
00:48:12It was so quiet.
00:48:16That Christmas Eve, I skated my little routine with my parents watching.
00:48:20It was like I was the only person in the whole world.
00:48:24They were so proud of me.
00:48:29Somewhere along the way, things changed, and I just wish they still felt that way about me, you know?
00:48:41You know, I think parents want the best for their kids, but sometimes they don't know what that is.
00:48:53They should probably hide the evidence.
00:48:55They should probably hide the evidence.
00:49:14Hello?
00:49:16Hello?
00:49:18Hello?
00:49:20Excuse me, there's a concerned citizen here who needs help from her civil servants.
00:49:24I'm never going to guess what that is.
00:49:26Yoo-hoo!
00:49:27Hey!
00:49:30Somebody better pay attention to me!
00:49:32It's all yours now.
00:49:37Let me guess.
00:49:38Domestic disturbance?
00:49:41No, thank you very much.
00:49:44I'm here to report a kidnapping.
00:49:58Merry Christmas.
00:49:59Merry Christmas.
00:50:00Mother, isn't it a little early?
00:50:02Early for who, sugar britches?
00:50:04I have to spend another entire day trapped with you yahoos.
00:50:08Mama's going to need a little help.
00:50:12Okay.
00:50:13Hey, everybody.
00:50:13Here's the schedule for today.
00:50:15Jake and Katie, you'll be on kitchen duty with me.
00:50:17Richard, you're chopping firewood.
00:50:18Mother.
00:50:19Mm-hmm.
00:50:22Do whatever you want.
00:50:23Trudy, you and Nick,
00:50:25go outside and have some fun.
00:50:27I've left some warm jackets and stuff by the back door.
00:50:29Presents are at four.
00:50:30Dinner will be at seven.
00:50:32Nothing.
00:50:34You know, about last night,
00:50:35I didn't mean to get personal and, you know.
00:50:42What?
00:50:44Oh, my God.
00:50:45Never mind.
00:50:47What?
00:50:48What?
00:50:49It's great.
00:50:50You're just checking out my sister.
00:50:51I mean, why wouldn't you be?
00:50:52Of course you are.
00:50:53She's gorgeous and graceful.
00:50:56Your sister's very limber.
00:51:00You're jealous.
00:51:01I am not.
00:51:02Or a two.
00:51:03I'm not.
00:51:04Or a two.
00:51:04I'm not.
00:51:07George kids even play hockey?
00:51:08I played my fair share.
00:51:10Well, I've been playing with my brother since I could walk.
00:51:12So let's go.
00:51:19I'm okay.
00:51:20I'm okay.
00:51:25You sure you want to do this?
00:51:26Yeah.
00:51:27Come on.
00:51:38I'm sorry.
00:51:39I gotta give it to you.
00:51:40Pretty scrappy.
00:51:41Um, I think you've had enough for now.
00:51:47So what do you do for fun?
00:51:48For fun?
00:51:49You know, what are you interested in?
00:51:52I paint.
00:51:53Really?
00:51:54What kind of paintings?
00:51:55Uh, portraits mostly.
00:51:57You know, I like post-impressionist stuff.
00:52:00Um, to focus on color over line.
00:52:02I know what post-impressionism is.
00:52:03Like Cezanne?
00:52:05Or more like Alice Neal?
00:52:06I love Alice Neal.
00:52:07You know Alice Neal?
00:52:09You shouldn't jump to conclusions about people.
00:52:12So what do you do besides build cookie-cutter condominiums for the masses?
00:52:17I didn't start out to do that.
00:52:19I actually studied architecture.
00:52:22For a while there, I thought I was going to go out on my own.
00:52:24Why didn't you?
00:52:26Eh, what's risky, and there's no money in it unless you're established.
00:52:29Well, what about your parents?
00:52:30Wouldn't they have helped you get started?
00:52:32Yeah, they would have if they had two nickels to rub together.
00:52:36They were both school teachers.
00:52:37They died in a car accident when I was nine.
00:52:40Oh.
00:52:42I'm so sorry.
00:52:44But you said you grew up well off.
00:52:46No, you did.
00:52:48I lived with my grandfather in a one-bedroom apartment until I was 18.
00:52:52I worked my way through college mowing lawns for the city.
00:52:56That must have been tough.
00:52:57You know, it actually helped me in certain ways.
00:53:00I learned at an early age that we're all on our own.
00:53:17Would you go, please?
00:53:18Don't rush me.
00:53:28Oh, for the love of God.
00:53:31Ha.
00:53:34Ha.
00:53:35Aw, that's too bad.
00:53:37Making a move like that must be killing you.
00:53:40Hey.
00:53:41Oh, why didn't you keep hitting yourself?
00:53:43Seriously, what are you doing?
00:53:45Trudy, I'm starting to worry about you now.
00:53:46Oh, my gosh, you have to stop that right now.
00:53:48Stop.
00:53:49No, give it back.
00:53:50I didn't mean to do that.
00:53:51But you did it.
00:53:52It's done.
00:53:53It was a mistake.
00:53:54You can't take something back once it's already done.
00:53:58Even if you realize right away it was wrong and you're sorry.
00:54:08Fine.
00:54:10But know that you're a cheater.
00:54:16Such a cheater.
00:54:22I'm gonna go get some milk for these.
00:54:32Oh, well, we're not into public displays of affection.
00:54:36Right.
00:54:36Come on, don't be such a prude.
00:54:38Yeah, sorry, you have no choice.
00:54:40It's mistletoe.
00:54:52Get the milk.
00:54:55Oh, this is it.
00:54:57The scene of the crime.
00:54:59Are you gonna draw your guns?
00:55:03Merry Christmas.
00:55:04Welcome to Taj's Diner Deluxe.
00:55:06We have a delicious ho-ho hot dog special today.
00:55:10We're not here to eat.
00:55:11We're here because my boyfriend was kidnapped by one of your waitresses yesterday.
00:55:16You have female, 5'2", crazy hair, crazy eyes.
00:55:20You know anyone who fits that description?
00:55:22Apparently he was taking a gunpoint.
00:55:24Do you know where she may have gotten a gun?
00:55:26Oh, huh?
00:55:28No, no, no, no, I don't know.
00:55:30I don't know anything.
00:55:31I don't know.
00:55:38Come on.
00:55:39Isn't it time for presents?
00:55:40Oh, is it?
00:55:41It's 4 p.m.
00:55:43Hmm.
00:55:44What are you doing?
00:55:44Um, oh, I'm folding your father's jockey shorts.
00:55:48Sometimes I have dreams that hundreds of pairs of underwear envelop me.
00:55:53Do you ever have dreams like that?
00:55:55No.
00:55:56Mom, are you okay?
00:55:59Do you know that your father's the only man I have ever slept with?
00:56:03Have you slept with more than one man?
00:56:08No.
00:56:09Oh, of course you have.
00:56:10It's the way of the modern world.
00:56:11You boink a whole lot of different people.
00:56:13You don't just pick one and hope for the best.
00:56:19Well, I'm pretty sure it's time for presents.
00:56:22Come on.
00:56:25Oh, honey, you're right.
00:56:27Yes.
00:56:27Okay.
00:56:28Let's go, go, go.
00:56:29Let's go.
00:56:30Let's go.
00:56:52Let's go.
00:56:57Nick, time for presents.
00:57:00Grandma.
00:57:04Have you noticed anything strange about Mom?
00:57:07Make more than usual?
00:57:08Yeah, I just had a weird conversation with her,
00:57:10and I think she might not be so happy with Dad.
00:57:14That's crazy.
00:57:16She used the word boink.
00:57:18Yeah.
00:57:21Nick, for you.
00:57:22Wow, Trudy, for you.
00:57:25Can I...
00:57:26Okay.
00:57:28Nick's in.
00:57:29It's a back scrubber!
00:57:31Wow.
00:57:32Exploliation is the key to good skin.
00:57:34Yeah, cool.
00:57:35Wow, good job, Mom.
00:57:37Trud, you have to.
00:57:44It just lights up your face.
00:57:45Pink.
00:57:46Smile.
00:57:48Oh, beautiful.
00:57:50All right.
00:57:51Gone with the parts, son.
00:57:53Greed is good.
00:57:55Wow.
00:57:57Your dad found that.
00:57:58It lists every law firm in America.
00:58:00Okay.
00:58:02Are we always saying you don't have enough underwear?
00:58:04Oh, my gosh.
00:58:05This is really heavy.
00:58:08Oh, great for tightening screws.
00:58:15Oh, I picked that out.
00:58:17Oh, right.
00:58:17Oh, Trudy.
00:58:18One more gift.
00:58:19It's for you.
00:58:20It's Christmas time again.
00:58:23It's Christmas time.
00:58:24It's Christmas time again.
00:58:33Well, we just thought that, yeah.
00:58:38Hey, look.
00:58:38Trudy, I don't know what happened the other day with Mr. Portnoy, but I think it's time to
00:58:44get your head out of the clouds.
00:58:45What do you mean?
00:58:46You need to grow up and get focused on a legitimate career.
00:58:50You're unsettled.
00:58:51You're unfocused.
00:58:52You need to find something to do really well.
00:58:54But I have.
00:58:55I do.
00:58:56It's painting.
00:58:57I mean, it's the only thing I care about.
00:58:58It's the only thing that makes me feel like me.
00:59:00That has nothing to do with what I'm talking about right now.
00:59:03You can paint or draw or color in your spare time.
00:59:07I am talking about your life here.
00:59:09So am I.
00:59:10Don't you want to do something with your life?
00:59:12Yes, but...
00:59:13Honey, we just...
00:59:14We were just trying to help.
00:59:24Um, Mr. Chandler, if you don't mind me saying, sir, I've seen Trudy's paintings, and, well,
00:59:33they're raw and expressive, complex and, well, a little strange, but really beautiful.
00:59:50And I have one more gift for her.
01:00:00Gertrude Chandler, will you marry me?
01:00:11Yes?
01:00:16Oh, my...
01:00:18Oh, my...
01:00:21Oh, my God!
01:00:23This is the best Christmas present you could ever give me!
01:00:27Oh, my God!
01:00:28I'm so excited!
01:00:30Oh, I can't wait to start planning the wedding!
01:00:33Sorry.
01:00:35Congratulations.
01:00:36Okay, um, next on the agenda is, um, dinner in three hours, so, um...
01:00:41I'm sorry.
01:00:42Everybody just get changed and do whatever, and, um, we'll meet back in the dining room at
01:00:47seven o'clock.
01:00:50That's it!
01:00:51I have it.
01:00:58I know, I...
01:01:00That was...
01:01:01Something.
01:01:02Well, you know, I figured we may as well give them all the bells and whistles.
01:01:05At least for a couple more hours, right?
01:01:12I assume you made up the part about the paintings.
01:01:14I saw your album.
01:01:15It was sticking out of your purse.
01:01:18Oh, you were looking at my bag.
01:01:20Well, the keys aren't there.
01:01:22No, it was an accident.
01:01:23Relax.
01:01:26So do you just carry an engagement ring in your pocket all the time?
01:01:30Yeah.
01:01:31Right.
01:01:34Well, look, I just want to say I'm sorry about...
01:01:39everything.
01:01:41To tell you the truth,
01:01:44it hasn't been that bad.
01:01:47Well, if you can just hang in there through Christmas dinner, I promise I'll take you wherever
01:01:50you want to go tomorrow.
01:02:00Hey, Mom, can I help you with anything?
01:02:02Oh, yeah, um, you can bundle up and take out the garbage.
01:02:05Thank you very much, honey.
01:02:13Hey, what are you doing out here?
01:02:16I'm just enjoying a little downtime.
01:02:18Well, well, that sounds good to me.
01:02:24Hey.
01:02:26Want one?
01:02:27Yeah.
01:02:31So you're engaged.
01:02:34Man.
01:02:36I'm so happy for you, Trude.
01:02:41You know...
01:02:43I really hope that happens for me someday.
01:02:45What do you mean?
01:02:46It has happened for you.
01:02:47Jen's great.
01:02:48Yeah, about that.
01:02:52Jen and I broke up like six months ago.
01:02:55Shut up.
01:02:57And I've started seeing someone else.
01:02:59Shut up!
01:03:01And his name is Ryan.
01:03:04Oh, my gosh.
01:03:08Well, you know, I think maybe I knew.
01:03:14Yeah, I knew.
01:03:15What?
01:03:16You didn't know?
01:03:17Come on, I didn't even know.
01:03:18I mean, I guess I kind of knew, but...
01:03:21Well, does anyone else know?
01:03:25I thought I'd tell everyone at dinner.
01:03:28Are you out of your mind?
01:03:50Dolores!
01:03:59What are you doing?
01:04:00I'm going back to the city to get a decent steak and a cognac.
01:04:05You can't drive.
01:04:06Give me the keys.
01:04:07You want to come along for the ride, Rosebud?
01:04:10Come on.
01:04:10Let's blow this rinky-dink log cabin.
01:04:14Dolores!
01:04:27Oh, my gosh.
01:04:28Grams?
01:04:32Oh, my gosh.
01:04:33Are you okay, Grandma?
01:04:35Don't touch me and don't call me that.
01:04:38Are you all right?
01:04:40Yeah.
01:04:41What happened to him not trying to escape anymore?
01:04:43I was just trying to make sure she didn't hurt herself.
01:04:47Well, I'm glad you're okay.
01:04:54I swear to God, Mary had better be giving birth to baby Jesus outside.
01:04:59Oh, just as good.
01:05:01Police officers...
01:05:02No, no, Mrs. Claus, it's time for Stevie Weaver to open another place.
01:05:05You had it out, Steve.
01:05:07What can I do for you?
01:05:09The owner said that you were her best friend.
01:05:13I don't know where they went.
01:05:14She just took off.
01:05:16You know, when we catch her, you'll be put away, too.
01:05:19For accessory to kidnapping, obstructing justice.
01:05:24It's not her fault.
01:05:27It's men.
01:05:31They drive women crazy.
01:05:48Oh, I'm sorry.
01:05:50It's okay.
01:05:52I, um, just needed the, uh, the toothpaste.
01:06:05Do you, uh, do you need to take a shower?
01:06:09No, I'll, I'll wait till you're dry.
01:06:11Um, dressed.
01:06:12Done.
01:06:15Whew.
01:06:17Okay.
01:06:20Well, I should probably go now.
01:06:25Probably.
01:06:46I'll go now.
01:07:00I didn't mean to scare you off back there.
01:07:03You didn't scare me off.
01:07:06You look great.
01:07:10So do you.
01:07:11Come on. I want to show you something.
01:07:17I'm not giving you a rematch right now.
01:07:20Hold on just one sec.
01:07:25Okay, put these on, please.
01:07:27It's almost dinner time, and I'm going to dress you, moron.
01:07:30Please, shut up.
01:07:31Shut up?
01:07:32Just put these on.
01:07:35Hi.
01:07:46Whoa.
01:07:57Oh, my gosh.
01:08:01I can't believe you did all this.
01:08:06It's beautiful.
01:08:10You're welcome.
01:08:12But you owe me something in return.
01:08:15What?
01:08:16A show.
01:08:17No way.
01:08:19Come on. I want to see this infamous routine.
01:08:22Really?
01:08:23Okay, but if you laugh...
01:08:25What?
01:08:28You're welcome.
01:08:37You're welcome.
01:09:13Oh, there you go.
01:09:15Warm bread.
01:09:17Your tie's crooked.
01:09:19You tied it.
01:09:20Still crooked.
01:09:31Mom, aren't you going to make your annual toast?
01:09:37I'm hungry.
01:09:38Let's just eat.
01:09:42Um, excuse me.
01:09:44I, uh, I have something I'd like to share with everyone.
01:09:50Actually, I have something I'd like to say first.
01:09:53It's about school.
01:09:55Oh.
01:09:56I'm not going to law school.
01:10:00What did you say?
01:10:02It's just not for me.
01:10:05I dropped out last semester.
01:10:07Last semester?
01:10:08Well, what have you been doing with all the tuition that I've been sending?
01:10:13I used it as a down payment.
01:10:15Down payment?
01:10:16On what?
01:10:17On a Pilates studio in California.
01:10:20Pilates?
01:10:21I don't know what that is.
01:10:23Somebody translate that.
01:10:25Dad, it's great.
01:10:27It's a type of exercise mixing ballet techniques with yoga used to stretch and lengthen the muscles.
01:10:33Moving to the land of fruits and nuts.
01:10:35Going to lay around all day and stretch.
01:10:40I think it's very creative.
01:10:42Kudos, Katie.
01:10:44Thanks, Mom.
01:10:45What, what, what are you talking about?
01:10:47Our daughters just made a fool out of us.
01:10:49Yeah, you did put one over on us, didn't you?
01:10:54You're not dropping out of school.
01:10:56No, no, that's not what's happening.
01:10:57I'm going to tell you what's going to happen.
01:10:59You're going to get the money back and you're going to re-enroll.
01:11:03Oh, lighten up, Dick.
01:11:14Um, everyone, I, uh, I want to say something, too.
01:11:23I'm gay.
01:11:27Oh, honey, I know.
01:11:29I'm sorry.
01:11:43For God's sake, Catherine, what is wrong with you?
01:11:46What's wrong with me?
01:11:47Huh, let me think.
01:11:48Um, I hate the way you moan when you chew your food.
01:11:52What are you talking about?
01:11:57It's disgusting.
01:11:58It makes me want to throw up.
01:11:59And also, I hate that we never talk about anything important.
01:12:03Maybe that's because we all live in your world, Catherine,
01:12:07or where nobody can say anything honest because it might be upsetting.
01:12:12You are the puppet master and I am your little clown.
01:12:16Boom!
01:12:17Stop it!
01:12:18God, you two, what are you guys doing?
01:12:20You think I am controlling?
01:12:22You are the ass who is forcing your children to become mini versions of yourself.
01:12:26This isn't my world, because if this was my world,
01:12:29I wouldn't have to picture Clint Eastwood just to get through our annual birthday sex!
01:12:33Ugh.
01:12:50Aren't you glad you're gay?
01:12:54Everybody freeze!
01:12:55They're up there!
01:12:56Freeze!
01:12:57Don't move on!
01:12:58Whoa, whoa, whoa!
01:12:58Calm down, everybody.
01:12:59Just relax.
01:13:00Wait.
01:13:01What is going on?
01:13:02Reason to believe that woman's guilty of kidnapping.
01:13:05That can't be.
01:13:05That's absurd.
01:13:06Kidnapping?
01:13:07Who?
01:13:08David Martin.
01:13:10Who's David Martin?
01:13:14No.
01:13:15That's her boyfriend, Nick.
01:13:18No, Mom.
01:13:20It's not.
01:13:24I'm not her boyfriend.
01:13:29This is getting weird.
01:13:31I don't know who brought home the bacon, but I'm going to fry it up in a pan.
01:13:37Mother, no!
01:13:38Somebody has to protect this family.
01:13:40It looks as though it's got to be me.
01:13:42Man, put the gun down.
01:13:43Is she having a Civil War flashback?
01:13:45She's just had a little too much eggnog.
01:13:47She's an actress, and the gun is probably just a prop.
01:13:51You take the big one.
01:13:53Dolores.
01:14:03I was on Broadway once.
01:14:10I know.
01:14:15Merry Christmas.
01:14:18Merry Christmas.
01:14:39Mom, kidnapping?
01:14:43Kidnapping?
01:14:43Mom, look at me.
01:14:45Where did I go wrong?
01:14:47Was I not a good mother?
01:14:49Yeah, of course you were.
01:14:50This is not your fault.
01:14:51Don't want to talk about it.
01:14:53Dad!
01:14:54Not now, Trudy.
01:15:00The horse muck didn't press charges.
01:15:06You're free to go.
01:15:07Thank God.
01:15:12Hi.
01:15:22Ah.
01:15:23It's not you, Granbo.
01:15:26Why, Officer?
01:15:28What did you have in mind?
01:15:31One change purse.
01:15:33One can opener slash keychain.
01:15:36Comes in handier than you'd think.
01:15:38One...
01:15:39Holy crap, look at that rock.
01:15:42Girl, you hold on to that man.
01:15:49Yeah.
01:15:49We are both here, hand in hand, in the sun and you and I are talking.
01:16:11Realize we've become.
01:16:18Hi.
01:16:19Hi.
01:16:20Just wanted to say thanks for not pressing charges.
01:16:25Can't say I ever imagined saying that in a sentence.
01:16:29Is, uh, is everyone okay?
01:16:32Yeah, they're fine.
01:16:33They're not too happy with me right now.
01:16:36I really did it this time.
01:16:39I wanted to give this back to you.
01:16:43Thanks.
01:16:45Listen, uh, this whole situation's sort of confusing, but I wanted to say...
01:16:51David, let's get out of here, honey.
01:16:53Uh, give me one minute, okay?
01:16:55Who's this?
01:16:57Is this her?
01:17:01You have some nerve.
01:17:03Look, I wanted to apologize again to both of you.
01:17:05Save it.
01:17:05You and your band of hooligans would still be in jail if it were up to me.
01:17:10Let's go.
01:17:15I, uh...
01:17:16David.
01:17:23Take care of yourself.
01:17:25Yeah, you too.
01:17:34I, uh, I know what we have known.
01:17:50I'm sure you don't want your old job back.
01:17:54You want lunch?
01:17:55Sure.
01:17:57Here.
01:17:59What about Taj?
01:18:00Oh, please.
01:18:02You know, he's a softy under all that bluster.
01:18:04Besides, we've reached a new stage in our relationship.
01:18:07Oh, what's that?
01:18:07Partners.
01:18:08That's great.
01:18:11Yeah.
01:18:12So, how's the real job search going?
01:18:15Oh, not so great.
01:18:16Apparently, I have no real skills.
01:18:19Mm-hmm.
01:18:20I don't know.
01:18:21My parents are right.
01:18:22I have to be realistic.
01:18:24I can't just wish for something that's never going to happen.
01:18:27There is no perfect job, perfect family, perfect guy.
01:18:31So you haven't heard from him then?
01:18:32No.
01:18:34See, this is what I'm talking about.
01:18:35I can't believe I actually thought I had feelings for some guy I kidnapped.
01:18:39I mean, what did I think was going to happen?
01:19:03I like the capsule script.
01:19:04All right.
01:19:06Done.
01:19:07Where is Maria with the next dress?
01:19:10Maria!
01:19:11We have three more dresses to go.
01:19:13We're on.
01:19:26Do you like that font?
01:19:29David.
01:19:32Font.
01:19:35I'm sorry.
01:19:37I need some air.
01:19:39Oh.
01:19:51Hey.
01:19:53Hey.
01:19:55It could be a bit overwhelming in there.
01:19:57As you don't say.
01:19:58You all right?
01:19:59Yeah.
01:20:00Yeah, I'm fine.
01:20:02Well, we need you inside.
01:20:04Okay.
01:20:10Jess, um, do you, uh, ever have any doubts about us?
01:20:17What?
01:20:19Well, it's just that you could be with any number of guys.
01:20:24Why me?
01:20:26Because we make sense.
01:20:29And we're going to lead a life that most people dream of.
01:20:32All right?
01:20:32You and I are going to have a fairytale wedding and a fairytale life.
01:20:43Maria!
01:20:45I hate my life.
01:21:16Hello?
01:21:16Trude, hey, it's me.
01:21:18Hey.
01:21:19How's it going?
01:21:20Hmm, I've been better.
01:21:22Did you talk to Mom and Dad yet?
01:21:24No, I've been avoiding them.
01:21:26Trude, you should call them.
01:21:29Oh my God, Jake.
01:21:31I'm just saying, you know, be the bigger person.
01:21:34No, no, no, no, no.
01:21:34I've been accepted into a show at Gallery 717.
01:21:37Wow, that's great.
01:21:38It's a new artist exhibit.
01:21:40They want a piece from me.
01:21:41Trude, that's fantastic.
01:21:43When is it?
01:21:44Uh, a week from Saturday.
01:21:45Will you come with me, please?
01:21:46Yes, of course I will.
01:21:49Are you going to tell Mom and Dad?
01:21:50No, no, I don't want to fight with them.
01:21:52I just want this to be my night, you know?
01:22:19Trude?
01:22:20I'm so happy you're here.
01:22:22I wouldn't miss it for the world.
01:22:24So, um, this is Ryan.
01:22:27Hi.
01:22:28Jake, you didn't do her justice.
01:22:30It's so nice to finally meet you.
01:22:31So, listen, I'm a little nervous.
01:22:33I don't know what people are saying about the piece,
01:22:35so go over and eavesdrop for me.
01:22:37Okay, okay, but listen, um,
01:22:40there is one other thing.
01:22:41What?
01:22:42Now, don't freak out, but I, uh,
01:22:45I brought a few more people with me.
01:22:53I told you I didn't want them here.
01:22:58I don't have time to do this tonight, okay?
01:22:59I won't do this.
01:23:00Just for one night,
01:23:01I don't want to feel like the black sheep,
01:23:03the weird one, the wrong one, okay?
01:23:05Okay.
01:23:05We hear you.
01:23:07What?
01:23:08Your father and I have found that
01:23:10keeping open lines of honest communication
01:23:12is the only way to restore a healthy relationship.
01:23:15What?
01:23:16They've been in therapy.
01:23:20It really is working.
01:23:22So, what else, honey?
01:23:23Just let it out.
01:23:26I'm tired of trying to live up to your ideals,
01:23:28you know?
01:23:29And I won't live my life to please you.
01:23:31I mean, sometimes I feel like
01:23:31you have no idea who I am.
01:23:34I'm a slob.
01:23:35I mean, sometimes,
01:23:36if I leave a dish in the sink too long,
01:23:38I just throw it away instead of washing it.
01:23:40And, Mom, I hate pink.
01:23:40I hate it.
01:23:41And I don't want a job in computer sales, Dad.
01:23:43You know, I'm an artist.
01:23:44That's who I am.
01:23:46And I love you guys,
01:23:47but if you make me choose between me and you,
01:23:49I choose me.
01:23:52Okay.
01:23:54Okay?
01:23:57Yes, okay.
01:23:58We hear you.
01:24:00Okay.
01:24:03You know, we worry about you, kiddo.
01:24:06We don't want you to get hurt.
01:24:07We want you to be safe.
01:24:08I mean, if I could,
01:24:09I'd have you live inside of a plastic bubble,
01:24:11but I was told that's a little too impractical.
01:24:13And we never meant to make you feel weird or wrong.
01:24:18We love you.
01:24:22Whatever you want,
01:24:24that's what we want for you.
01:24:32Thanks, Dad.
01:24:33Come here.
01:24:37I love you so much.
01:24:39I love you too, Mom.
01:24:43No, sis.
01:24:51I love your paintings.
01:24:53I love it.
01:24:54The compositions are amazing.
01:25:02It's great to meet you.
01:25:07You okay, sweetheart?
01:25:10Someone bought it.
01:25:11I know.
01:25:12It's wonderful.
01:25:16What's the matter?
01:25:18It just feels different than I thought it would.
01:25:20Oh?
01:25:21How?
01:25:22I don't know.
01:25:23It's just...
01:25:24It's...
01:25:25Nick?
01:25:26No, not Nick.
01:25:28Well, maybe.
01:25:29Well, no.
01:25:29I mean, it's not Nick.
01:25:30It's David.
01:25:31Stupid is what it is.
01:25:33It is not stupid.
01:25:38If there's one thing I know,
01:25:40it's the corrosive nature of silence.
01:25:43It leads to regret,
01:25:44and it'll eat away at you bit by bit.
01:25:47Look at your dad and me.
01:25:48It's never too late.
01:25:51Actually, it is.
01:25:53He got married today.
01:25:59Cheers.
01:26:15Hey!
01:26:18Just so you know,
01:26:19I have a black belt,
01:26:20and my hands are considered lethal weapons.
01:26:22Ooh, scary.
01:26:24David?
01:26:25What's going on here?
01:26:26Payback.
01:26:27It's a bitch.
01:26:28Aren't you supposed to be on your honeymoon or something?
01:26:32Okay, how about I take that blindfold off now?
01:26:34Huh?
01:26:35How'd that be?
01:26:39Wow.
01:26:41Where are we?
01:26:44Trudy,
01:26:45you are...
01:26:48unorganized
01:26:49and pushy
01:26:51and crazy.
01:26:52I know,
01:26:53and I'm working on those things,
01:26:54and if you'll just listen to me...
01:26:55And you talk too much.
01:26:56Okay.
01:26:59I lost a lot because of you.
01:27:03But I've realized
01:27:04that I don't want any of those things.
01:27:07Wait.
01:27:08You don't?
01:27:11everything I want
01:27:13everything I want
01:27:13is right here.
01:27:17Martin art
01:27:18and architecture.
01:27:20Gallery
01:27:21and studio.
01:27:24Wow.
01:27:26It's amazing.
01:27:27And
01:27:28I've just acquired
01:27:29my first piece.
01:27:38I don't know what to say.
01:27:40I don't know what to say.
01:27:41That's a first.
01:27:47I've spent my entire life
01:27:48striving for things
01:27:49that I didn't even want
01:27:50because I thought
01:27:51that's what I was supposed to do.
01:27:53I thought I had something
01:27:54to prove.
01:27:56But I don't have to prove
01:27:57anything to anyone
01:27:58anymore.
01:28:00You don't?
01:28:03Well,
01:28:06maybe one more thing.
01:28:25Can you take these
01:28:26off me now?
01:28:38There may be no such thing
01:28:39as a perfect job,
01:28:40a perfect family,
01:28:41or a perfect life.
01:28:43But there is such a thing
01:28:44as a perfect moment.
01:28:46So I take back what I said.
01:28:48Doing one crazy thing
01:28:49probably does make you crazy.
01:28:51But
01:28:52it can also make you happy.
01:29:25I don't know what to say.
01:29:34I don't know what to say.
01:29:34I don't know what to say.
01:29:38You
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