- 32 minutes ago
Taskmaster - S19E08 - Science All Your Life [Full Movie] [Full Series]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:01This was a mistake!
00:04Shut up!
00:05Button?
00:13You're mad.
00:16Wow.
00:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:34Hello!
00:35Welcome to Taskmaster, or as they call it in Wales.
00:39All right, boys, how's it going?
00:40Dear, it's called at the moment, isn't it?
00:42Ooh, I've had to wear my big court, fair play.
00:45It is called my dinner.
00:46Hey, do you know my brother?
00:48He looks like my brother, he doesn't.
00:51The competition is really hurtling towards a conclusion,
00:54so please welcome the warriors holding on for dear life.
00:58They are...
00:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:02Jason Mantzuka
01:04Matthew Bainter
01:07Rosie Ramsey
01:09And Stevie Martin
01:14And next to me, a man who says that women
01:17should be like the landmark Shard Building in London.
01:20They should look attractive, remain silent
01:23and have a glass ceiling firmly in place.
01:26LAUGHTER
01:27LAUGHTER
01:30Don't shoot the messenger!
01:33Shoot...
01:33Little Alex Hall!
01:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:38Hello, Greg.
01:39Hello, mate.
01:39Hello.
01:40I've just got this madman before we start, I'm so sorry.
01:43Mm-hm.
01:43But today, for the viewers at home
01:45and people watching on the big screen in Trafalgar Square,
01:47here is your bingo code.
01:50So just scan that now.
01:51One of you could be a lucky winner.
01:54And, erm...
01:55Greg, if you wouldn't mind, we'll just do a quick selfie.
01:59Is that all right?
02:00It's just my...
02:00One of my mum's friends really fancies you, so...
02:03LAUGHTER
02:04One of your mum's friends?
02:08LAUGHTER
02:09Thank you to smile.
02:10Actually, it's a video, actually.
02:11It's for Jennifer, really.
02:13Just...
02:14Hello, Jennifer.
02:15Lovely, yeah.
02:16I understand you fancy me.
02:18LAUGHTER
02:18You'll strap yourself in.
02:20LAUGHTER
02:21Thanks, Greg.
02:22She'll love that, honestly.
02:23Right.
02:23Let's up the prize category, please, Alex.
02:26You sure can, Greg.
02:27This time you've asked them to bring in the best object
02:29that you've borrowed from a fairly close friend.
02:32Mmm.
02:32It's down to you to judge the best borrowed object
02:35and the winner of the whole episode will sort of own
02:37five things that actually belong to other people
02:39that are sort of friends of the cast.
02:40Done.
02:42Stevie, what have you borrowed?
02:43So, erm...
02:44I went to a wedding, erm,
02:47and it was one of my very close friends
02:48and she really liked Lord of the Rings,
02:50but her partner doesn't.
02:51And so, as a compromise, she put, like,
02:53a secret bit on her website
02:55and it said if you wanted to get dressed up
02:58as a Lord of the Rings character for the party bit,
03:00then you could.
03:01So, I borrowed loads of things,
03:03one of which was this sword, a foam sword.
03:05Here it is.
03:06Erm, four people in the entire wedding
03:08had just put some little cloaks on
03:10and I went as the Witch King of Angmar.
03:13Erm, Lord of Nazca.
03:15APPLAUSE
03:18Is that the bride, Destiny?
03:19That's the bride.
03:20I mean, I looked at that and I thought,
03:22God, you look different without make-up on.
03:24LAUGHTER
03:25And then I realised you were the Witch King of Angmar.
03:28LAUGHTER
03:28Well done.
03:30This might be your best thing so far.
03:32Yes!
03:33Three points.
03:35LAUGHTER
03:36I don't see it going past three, for sure.
03:40Matthew.
03:40Well, for me, it was a case of Jim Howick's two-man kayak.
03:46And here it is.
03:48LAUGHTER
03:48So, I remembered he had this and I thought that would be
03:52a pretty significant thing to have borrowed from a fairly close friend.
03:57So, I managed to persuade him that I needed to borrow it
04:02to let my kids go kayaking.
04:04Why didn't you just tell him you were borrowed it for this?
04:06Well, why did you have to tell this ridiculous lie?
04:09Is that an option?
04:11LAUGHTER
04:12That wouldn't be funny!
04:15How would that be funny?
04:18Fatia, can you beat a kayak?
04:20Yeah, I can.
04:20You know when you're struggling in life, yeah, and things are hard,
04:24and then everything, every part of your life starts to suffer.
04:27So, there was a point in my life where I was struggling,
04:30with Fae particularly, and then there was a girl that I was working
04:33with, and she gave me a prayer mat.
04:37And here it is, on Taskmaster.
04:39There it is.
04:39Aww. Nice.
04:40And every time I struggle in something, I always look at this
04:42and remember, like, the hope at the end of it.
04:45So, I'm grateful, and, yeah, that was it,
04:48and good luck making that funny.
04:51LAUGHTER
04:54There are not many people, I would argue,
04:57on television globally, in my position,
05:01who would have the sheer audacity
05:03to put a rubber sword above an Islamic prayer.
05:10LAUGHTER
05:12I've got to say, it feels like quite the test.
05:15LAUGHTER
05:16It's a really lovely story and a lovely object.
05:19Rosie!
05:21So, it's lovely, really lovely.
05:23And I'm so glad it brings you so much joy.
05:27Erm, I brought in, erm, a pelvic floor exerciser.
05:31LAUGHTER
05:33APPLAUSE
05:39Sorry, somebody wants that back.
05:43LAUGHTER
05:45You...borrowed it?
05:46LAUGHTER
05:47I did, yeah.
05:48Who did you borrow it from?
05:49My fairly close sister.
05:52You could have lied. She's being honest, which is good.
05:54I know, yeah, no, but I...
05:55We've got the same juice.
05:58LAUGHTER
06:02Everyone's got their hands on their face.
06:04Everyone.
06:05Like, I've washed it in that, obviously.
06:07Obviously.
06:08Shall we pop back to the prayer mat for a bit, or...?
06:11LAUGHTER
06:12One more, there's one more.
06:13Oh, God, this is awful.
06:15I dread to think what you've brought in.
06:17So, the best thing to borrow from a close friend, or a semi-close friend,
06:22Mm-hm.
06:22Is, for me, a prize that has previously been awarded five points
06:28in the prize task category.
06:31Let's see it.
06:32That's nice.
06:33He borrowed this from Fatia.
06:36You won, Carl!
06:37LAUGHTER
06:40This is the Taskmaster pop-up book that Matthew brought,
06:44and Fatia won, and I asked to look at it, and she said,
06:49Yeah, go ahead, borrow it, take it as long as you want.
06:51This was 45 minutes ago.
06:54LAUGHTER
06:56So, and you gave it five points last time,
06:58so give me them points, baby.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:01OK, that's everything.
07:02I don't know...
07:03No.
07:04..whether you should be borrowing...
07:07..a device for your vagina.
07:09LAUGHTER
07:11So...
07:12So, one point.
07:13One point to Rose.
07:14Two points to Matthew's thing.
07:16Two to the kayak.
07:16Got it.
07:17Kayaks are boring.
07:19Three points to Jason.
07:21How dare you!
07:22Stevie wouldn't be getting four points just for the sword
07:26if I hadn't seen that picture of her in that outfit...
07:28..next to a bride.
07:30And five points for Fatia,
07:31because, you know, of course,
07:33it was a genuinely touching story,
07:35and I'm thrilled that it's so important to you.
07:37LAUGHTER
07:37Five points to Fatia Oghori!
07:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:43Let's start the tasks popper!
07:45Yes, and we're going to see them doing their best to impress
07:48in the garden, first of all.
07:57MUSIC PLAYS
08:02Hello.
08:04Hi, Alex.
08:05Hi, Jason.
08:06Hello, Alex.
08:06Lovely to see you.
08:07Lovely to see you.
08:08We were just speaking inside.
08:09Hello.
08:10What's cooking, good-looking?
08:12Oh, really?
08:12LAUGHTER
08:13I went on a school trip bowling,
08:15and it went really badly.
08:19Knock over all ten Skittles in ten minutes.
08:23In America, Skittles are a candy.
08:25Ah, what are these?
08:27Bowling pins.
08:28The final Skittle should fall exactly when the whistle sounds.
08:32If any Skittle is left standing after ten minutes,
08:37you have failed.
08:39You must stay behind the rope at all times.
08:42Closest to ten minutes wins.
08:44Your time starts...
08:47Now.
08:48I mean, it's pointless asking.
08:49There's not a bowling ball that you've got there, is there?
08:51You could do whatever you want behind that rope.
08:54Um...
08:55LAUGHTER
09:00You alluded to a terrible bowling trip there.
09:03Yes.
09:04Do you want to talk about it?
09:05Not really.
09:05No.
09:07I get...
09:07I got bullied at school, and that's where it started.
09:11So...
09:11It's not...
09:13You ass!
09:13It's not funny!
09:14Put the prayer mat up.
09:18Come on, let's bounce.
09:19Let's bounce.
09:20OK, well, first up,
09:21and I hope they do really, really well at this one.
09:23It's Jason, Matt and Stevie's attempts.
09:27I'm going to smash this
09:28because I, um...
09:30went on a bowling trip with school
09:32and, uh, came last,
09:33and it was the pinnacle of the bullying experience,
09:38and I...
09:38No-one sat with me on the bus home.
09:40So sorry to trigger you.
09:41So I just need to clear them all but one for now.
09:45That won't do it.
09:54Pretty great, right?
09:55Pretty good.
09:55You want the last one going down in nine minutes' time.
10:02Three.
10:03Sorry about the pop.
10:06Not bad.
10:07OK.
10:13I care nothing for your cameras!
10:17Yes!
10:18Yeah, you've done one.
10:19Look out!
10:24Yes!
10:37No!
10:42I'm on at five.
10:45Ooh!
10:46Knocked out!
10:51Yes!
10:52What's the time?
10:5350 seconds.
10:55OK.
11:05You OK?
11:08I think I'm over the line.
11:1112 seconds left.
11:12Three Skittles still.
11:13They need to all go down.
11:14He passed me the brick.
11:19Yes!
11:20Four seconds.
11:20One brick!
11:29Five.
11:29My hands are shaking!
11:31No.
11:32Come on.
11:32What?
11:36I mean, that was...
11:39Hmm.
11:40I'm really sorry.
11:41I'm just a bit upset.
11:42I'm really sorry.
11:43I'm really sorry.
11:43I'm sorry.
11:44This is so stupid.
11:44I'm sorry.
11:44I'm sorry.
11:45I'm sorry.
11:45I'm sorry.
11:46I'm sorry.
11:46I'm sorry.
11:46It must have been an easier way, Matthew.
11:49STUMPED
11:58STUPID
12:00Jason?
12:02HTTED
12:03STUPID
12:03Ohhh Ohhh
12:09It's not a real episode, is this...?
12:11LAUGHTER
12:13Rubbish. Rubbish.
12:15Rubbish all round.
12:17What's next? OK.
12:19It was a shame. Well, next up, I'm just going to shut up and press play.
12:24BUZZER
12:30Shall we? Yes.
12:34FAIL THE NEXT TASK IN THE MOST HEARTBREAKINGLY SPECTACULAR WAY.
12:39I'm really sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, this is so stupid, I'm sorry.
12:41Um, TV.
12:43If you succeed in the next task, you will lose one point.
12:48So, the next task? Yeah. Are you going to succeed?
12:52Yeah.
12:53How? By failing. Good.
12:57So, after this, you're going to go out there, turn left and do a task.
13:00How long? Two seconds.
13:02You need to fail that task.
13:04BUZZER
13:05If you succeed in the next task, you will lose one point.
13:10Huh?
13:12Let's do it. Come on. Where are we going?
13:14We're going out there.
13:18Hi, Jason. Hello, Alex.
13:20Lovely to see you. Lovely to see you.
13:22We were just speaking inside.
13:23Were we?
13:24Yeah. Just, like, mere moments ago.
13:29APPLAUSE
13:31Well, thank God.
13:34So, that means that was a fake fall you did?
13:36A planned fall. It was real.
13:38Let me be clear, I fell hard.
13:42Really good.
13:43Jason also chose violence for the 12th time in the series.
13:48Violence against myself.
13:50And the cameraman when you threw a... Oh, yeah, I don't think of them as people.
13:53LAUGHTER
13:58I'd love it if you were out of focus for the rest of the episode.
14:02APPLAUSE
14:05Matthew, I genuinely thought that was your actual attempt.
14:08Because you've been so close to some sort of collapse mentally,
14:12because I thought, yeah, I mean, he's nearly there now.
14:15LAUGHTER
14:16Oh, gosh, thank God.
14:17It was quite harrowing.
14:19It's all right.
14:20LAUGHTER
14:20I felt very hot and sweaty and embarrassed watching that go.
14:23The total light?
14:24I got bullied, but not that badly, and not at bowling.
14:30Right, right. So, they all did well, weren't they, so far?
14:32Look, it's most heartbreakingly spectacular,
14:34and they all came down right to the end.
14:35These two missed the final one at the last second,
14:38and 20 seconds before the end, Jason fell.
14:40LAUGHTER
14:41OK, break time.
14:43Power nap or power crap?
14:44That's up to you, my friends, but whatever you do,
14:46please don't do both at the same time.
14:49LAUGHTER
14:49That's a nice sofa!
14:51See you in a minute.
14:53APPLAUSE
15:02Hello!
15:03Welcome back to part two of Taskmaster.
15:05There have been some unintentionally glorious failures
15:08on this show over the years,
15:10and now they're trying their best to fail on purpose.
15:14Yeah, boy, this is some next-level stuff.
15:18Wow!
15:18Isn't it?
15:19The task they need to fail is to knock over ten skittles
15:22in ten minutes.
15:24If they succeed at the task, they will lose one point.
15:26Now, for the final two heartbreakingly spectacular contestants,
15:29it's rosy and fattier.
15:35What do I use?
15:36What would you normally use?
15:39Are you looking for anything in particular?
15:40Yeah, I'm looking for some balls.
15:42These aren't really that heavy.
15:47Ooh, yes!
15:48Come on.
15:51Are you ready?
15:52I'm ready.
15:56I'll get one, I'll get one.
15:58Oh!
16:02That's a good strategy, right?
16:04They've all got to go down.
16:05I know, I'm trying, I'm trying.
16:07In the next five minutes.
16:08Watch out, everyone.
16:09OK.
16:12Yes! Yes!
16:13Come on!
16:14Maybe if I throw it.
16:15Maybe.
16:16Hold on.
16:21Yes!
16:23Two left.
16:24You don't want to knock them all down.
16:25Right.
16:29Oh!
16:32The last one's going to fall at exactly ten minutes.
16:36Wow.
16:37I'm coming.
16:38OK, you need to get them all down.
16:45I'm coming.
16:45You haven't knocked any down.
16:46How do you feel?
16:47Terrible.
16:48I'm the best thrower in my borough.
16:51And now, look.
16:52Yeah.
17:00Congratulations.
17:01You've knocked over all ten,
17:02and there's just two and a half minutes left.
17:06LAUGHTER
17:11Just, erm...
17:12Check the wording of the task.
17:14Fail the next task in the most...
17:15Oh, heartbreakingly spectacular.
17:17Sorry, I thought it was just shit.
17:21And you didn't fail.
17:22No, I know.
17:23I didn't really understand.
17:24And he talked to me for ages about it,
17:26and I just...
17:27I nodded, didn't I?
17:28Yeah.
17:28And I was like, yeah.
17:29I went, I didn't have a clue.
17:31LAUGHTER
17:32So, what does that mean, Rosie gets...?
17:34Well, it means it's mad that she's in second place in the series,
17:36but, erm...
17:40She has to get minus one point.
17:42That's it.
17:42You have to go down a point in the series.
17:44I'm sorry.
17:45What?!
17:45Oh, you don't understand.
17:46You have to lose a point.
17:47I lose a point?!
17:49So, all we know is that Rosie definitely gets minus one point
17:52because she succeeded in the task.
17:53The rest all failed, so it's up to you.
17:55Who was the most heartbreakingly spectacular?
17:56Fatia, do you think that was heartbreaking or spectacular?
17:59I think it was bloody spectacular.
18:02Well, I'm here to tell you it was neither of them.
18:06You're so cruel, but it just makes me want you more.
18:10LAUGHTER
18:11Exactly my tactic, my friend.
18:14OK, two to Fatia.
18:15OK, er, Matthews was generally quite heartbreaking
18:18because he was, er, you know, part of his ongoing breakdown.
18:22Right.
18:22But I think we have to reward Jason's incredible stunt at the end.
18:27OK.
18:28Three to Matthews, four to Jason.
18:30I genuinely believed you were bullied.
18:32LAUGHTER
18:32I was, but not that bad.
18:35But not that bad.
18:35So, it's all cool.
18:37Five points.
18:38That's what's up to him!
18:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:42Hey, what's the scores?
18:43After two tasks, Rosie's got these...
18:45A memorable scene.
18:47Like a scene in a film.
18:49Just a memorable scene.
18:50That's all the information.
18:56OK, I'm just going to collect in those cards.
19:04And that's for you.
19:05Aww.
19:06That's the second part of the task.
19:08OK.
19:09OK, here we go.
19:10Paint your memorable scene so that your team-mate can guess your three words.
19:16You must not give any clues about your own three-word scene, except by painting the scene.
19:22You must not write any words.
19:24Fastest wins.
19:26Your time starts when the turntable turns.
19:30Turn the turntable.
19:38What?
19:39Are you joking?
19:41Have we got to do it?
19:42Are you kidding me?
19:43Are you kidding me?
19:45Are you kidding me?
19:49Your nickname is not going to catch on.
19:52Yes, it is.
19:52It makes you both less memorable.
19:55What?
19:55What is it?
19:56JV Marzoukas!
19:57JV Marzoukas.
19:58We should get a point for having a team name and team spirit.
20:01And we've lost every team task so far.
20:04You have been bad.
20:06Good.
20:07Good.
20:08Let's spin the canvases, man.
20:11Will do.
20:11I suppose we might as well start with a team of two.
20:14Jason and...
20:16JV Marzoukas.
20:17Better known as...
20:18JV Marzoukas!
20:19Thank you!
20:22Turn the turntable.
20:26OK.
20:27Oh.
20:28Oh, I see.
20:29OK.
20:32Don't guess yet.
20:37Rabbit.
20:38That is one of the words.
20:40OK.
20:41Oh, dang.
20:42OK.
20:42I'm bad at this.
20:45Now it just looks like boobs.
20:46It looks like boobs, but it's not boobs.
20:47I won't guess boobs?
20:48Yeah.
20:49Wait.
20:50Guess, guess, guess.
20:50Based on my sense.
20:51Oh, sorry.
20:52Poison.
20:52Skull and crossbones.
20:53Pirate.
20:54Medicine.
20:58Um...
20:59What?
21:00Woman?
21:01Yeah.
21:02Graveyard.
21:03Oh, son of a bitch.
21:05Like, what more can I possibly do than what I've done?
21:08Mountain dead.
21:09Dead is right.
21:13Car.
21:14Yes!
21:15Car.
21:15Great, great, great.
21:15She's got none of yours.
21:16None of mine.
21:17Oh, what is it?
21:18Oh, it's a lip.
21:20It's a car.
21:21It's a boat.
21:21But, but, but.
21:22Smiling.
21:23Smiling.
21:23Lip smiling.
21:24Sad face.
21:24Oh, love.
21:25Kissing.
21:26Kissing.
21:26Kiss.
21:27Kiss.
21:27Kiss.
21:27Kiss is correct.
21:28Okay, right.
21:29Memorable scene with kissing.
21:30Boobs kissing.
21:31It doesn't feel like you're doing anything.
21:33Turn them around and start again.
21:34Maybe.
21:34Yeah, great.
21:35That's a great idea.
21:36I'm gonna do that.
21:37Okay.
21:38So we're starting again.
21:39Right.
21:40Here it comes.
21:40Oh, baby.
21:42Babies kissing.
21:44It would be memorable.
21:46Oh.
21:47Oh!
21:49I see.
21:50Slap.
21:50Yes.
21:51Correct.
21:52One to go.
21:53We've got two words right now.
21:53Okay.
21:54Kiss.
21:55Slap.
21:56Look.
21:58What is that?
22:00Glare.
22:01Glower.
22:02Yes.
22:03Yes.
22:03Yes.
22:04Please.
22:04Look.
22:05Glance.
22:06Glance.
22:07Glance is right.
22:08I've stopped the clock.
22:09You went from glower to glimpse to glance.
22:11I got glance from that.
22:13That's incredible.
22:15That's incredible.
22:18Can I just say something?
22:19Before we did it, when we wrote the words, Jason went,
22:22just so you know, when we're writing these words,
22:24we're probably going to have to paint them.
22:26And then he wrote glance.
22:30This was a real low point for JV Martzukas,
22:32because I felt particularly bad for Stevie,
22:35because I am dog shit at every element of this.
22:39What?
22:39This is going to come as a surprise.
22:41I'm willing to say I'm not good at art.
22:46And this, ladies and gentlemen, marks the first time
22:48that Jason has admitted that he's bad at anything.
22:52Unless it's boobs, which I can draw when I'm trying to draw
22:55anything.
22:55It comes out looking like boobs.
22:59Thank you for saluting me.
23:01This might be your journey to becoming British, you know?
23:03A bit of self-doubt.
23:04Oh, Daddy!
23:06OK, advert time.
23:10In a troubled world, what better moment to take the hand
23:13of that special person in your life and tell them
23:16that you love them?
23:20Do you want me to get the belt again?
23:22I'm so sorry.
23:23I thought you wanted me to... No?
23:24We'll see you in a minute.
23:25So, sorry.
23:27APPLAUSE
23:38Here we are.
23:39It's the start of the second half of the show.
23:41There's a team task which needs closure.
23:43So, the task involves each contestant painting a memorable scene
23:46on their canvas, which can be described in three words.
23:49And they then have to guess what each other three words are
23:52from their paintings.
23:53Fatia, Matthew and Rosie are all in one team,
23:56so this won't be straightforward.
23:59Oh, for God's sake.
24:01Right, that's yours then.
24:02Right, this is mine.
24:06Oh, sugar.
24:08Do you know what?
24:09I like this, cos I used to do art,
24:11so I'm going to smash this right up.
24:13Guess what the others are.
24:16Lightning.
24:17No.
24:18Storm.
24:19That is one of the worst.
24:21Is yours Jaws?
24:22Not Jaws.
24:23It's three words.
24:24Captain Phillips?
24:25No, no, it's three words.
24:26Is it love?
24:27Love is one of the words, correct.
24:28Love.
24:29Are we guessing the film?
24:30Ocean.
24:30No, you're just getting the three words that you've been driven out.
24:34Oh, giraffe?
24:35No.
24:40Is it drowning?
24:41Correct.
24:42We're looking for six more words.
24:45Wow.
24:46You've added details.
24:47Is it a sex scene?
24:48Romeo and Juliet.
24:50Is it from Titanic?
24:51Is it?
24:52Weirdly, the Titanic was what was in my mind for this.
24:55Can I tell him?
24:55Definitely not.
24:56No.
24:57That would give it away.
24:58Could I quickly draw some things that might guess the words?
25:01Well, I think you should have done that a while ago.
25:04French women.
25:05French is correct.
25:07Oh, yeah.
25:08I can't give any clues, can I?
25:10No, you can by painting.
25:12Life drawing.
25:13Posing.
25:14Figurative.
25:15Masturbating.
25:17Touching yourself.
25:18Are you giving me a clue?
25:19Seduction.
25:20No, am I?
25:20Yeah, seduction.
25:22Seductive.
25:22Drag each other.
25:24Yeah, let's try it so...
25:25What could your word be?
25:26Mine is so easy.
25:28Where are they?
25:29Restaurant.
25:30Cafe.
25:30Cafe is right.
25:31Yes!
25:32Oh.
25:33Is it them?
25:34What's it called?
25:35It's the film, it's the I'll have what she's.
25:36Harry and Sally.
25:37Correct.
25:38Yay!
25:39High five, bruh.
25:40We've got Harry, Sally, Cafe, Stormlove, Drowning and French.
25:44And French.
25:45Yeah.
25:46Sexy.
25:46Sexy is correct.
25:48Okay, now, my last word.
25:49How do you draw this?
25:51What's the film?
25:52Titanic.
25:52And what's the scene?
25:53The scene where he paints her naked.
25:55Using?
25:56Using paint.
25:58Pencil.
25:58Crayons.
26:01Charcoal.
26:02Correct!
26:03Is it?
26:03Stop the turntable!
26:05I'm so sorry.
26:07I'm so sorry.
26:08I remember the bit where he drowns more.
26:11APPLAUSE
26:14Well, Rosie, I put it to you for the...
26:18No, no, I didn't.
26:20What's absolutely fascinating is even when you understood it,
26:23you chose to depict the scene where Kate Winslet gets painted
26:28with the words sexy French charcoal.
26:33She says, draw me like one of those French girls.
26:36Yes.
26:37Right, here we go.
26:38Oh, sorry.
26:39Can you go off a bit?
26:39Sorry, Lizzie.
26:41That's it.
26:41Go back a bit.
26:42Back a bit.
26:43Back a bit more.
26:44That's it.
26:44Stop.
26:46Sorry, not that.
26:46Go back again.
26:48LAUGHTER
26:48OK, yeah.
26:49From there, please.
26:50Good.
26:50Right, here's the next task.
26:52LAUGHTER
27:05I came in with a bang.
27:08Jason.
27:11Lots of props.
27:18Obey the autocue.
27:21OK.
27:22The most authoritative delivery with the fewest mistakes wins.
27:28Oh...
27:29Your time starts when the autocue starts.
27:33Have you used autocue before?
27:35No.
27:40Rosie, I forget that you're a mother.
27:42You've got two children, right?
27:43Yeah.
27:44And every now and again, you just get a brief insight into it.
27:47And the way that you arrived at this task and assessed it,
27:50it looked like a mum going into a kid's room and going,
27:53look at the state of this bedroom.
27:54Can you just show the clip?
27:55I know the bit.
27:56It's this bit.
27:59LAUGHTER
28:01APPLAUSE
28:05OK, good.
28:06Who's first?
28:07Yes, it's time to try out our first three young science presenters,
28:10Jason, Matt and Rosie.
28:12Commence the autocue.
28:14Oh, hello, folks.
28:15My name is scientist Dr Rosie slash Ramsay.
28:20Dr Jackson Mickey.
28:23My name is Dr Dark Stuff.
28:26And I'd like to welcome you all to Science Today Today.
28:33Science Today.
28:35Science Today.
28:36What's going to happen?
28:38I'm science all your life.
28:40Get fucking buckled in!
28:43Science Today!
28:44Here we go!
28:46So, what's on today's Science Today show?
28:50We're going to do two scientific demonstrations,
28:52and I guarantee...
28:53They'll both blow your mind.
28:57Let me think.
28:59Which two experiments should we do today on Science Today?
29:03OK, we will do...
29:05One.
29:06One.
29:06And three.
29:08Number one and number three.
29:09Oh, yes.
29:10So, that means you'll see me do the bounce experiment.
29:15Ha-ha, boing!
29:15Pink, whoing!
29:16Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y!
29:19Yeah!
29:19This ball is so bouncy, every time you drop it, and that's drop, not throw!
29:24It bounces up to a much higher place than where it started.
29:28I know, Matt, watch this!
29:30BUZZER
29:31LAUGHTER
29:34Failure.
29:35This fantastical orb has a tiny track out inside,
29:38which means it always returns to exactly where it was thrown from.
29:41Don't believe me? You will soon.
29:52Ta-da!
29:53Are we talking? Let's move on to my second experiment.
29:58Yes!
29:59Yes!
30:00Did you know a rainbow changes the colour of the whole sky?
30:04I think that's right. I can't remember.
30:06I'm having trouble sleeping.
30:08There was this time a few years ago
30:11when I actually was dropped from a very high height.
30:15LAUGHTER
30:17I hit someone in my car.
30:22LAUGHTER
30:25I think... I think they were still OK.
30:29But I was... I panicked and I drove away.
30:32LAUGHTER
30:32Ten years ago.
30:35I was lost at sea.
30:38Anyway, there's a way you can change the colour of other things too.
30:42And that way is called... paint.
30:47PAINT!
30:50PAINT!
30:51WOOOOOO!
30:53If you shut your eyes and really concentrate,
30:55you can actually tell the colour of paint by its smell.
30:59Take this tub here, OK?
31:01I'm going to put the tub behind my back
31:02and open it without looking at it.
31:05Now, I'm going to do a big sniff of the air in front of me.
31:11That's definitely blue.
31:12Blue.
31:13Blue.
31:23That's the one.
31:25Yellow.
31:25Ooh!
31:26I think that one's yellow.
31:28It's yellow.
31:30Totally yellow.
31:32But what happens if I mix these two together?
31:35It'll make a brand new colour.
31:37That colour is called...
31:39BLALO.
31:40And that colour is called...
31:42And that colour is called...
31:44James.
31:47Once they're mixed together,
31:49I can use my thumb as a paintbrush.
31:51On this.
31:52It's like a brown colour, isn't it?
31:54What's brown?
31:55A piece of turd.
31:58And hey, presto!
31:59I've made a blalo car.
32:05Boobs!
32:06I've got to go now.
32:08But not before I sing the theme tune again.
32:10Exactly the same as I sang it first time round.
32:12Let's dance together!
32:14Goodbye, everyone.
32:15Science today.
32:17Science today.
32:18Dr Rosie Ramsey.
32:20Science today.
32:22Science yesterday.
32:22We're waiting for science today,
32:23not science tomorrow!
32:26Science today!
32:27I will kill you!
32:34When I was a child growing up in the 1970s,
32:37the BBC used to show really boring open university lecturers
32:41it was so tedious and awful.
32:44For the vast majority of it,
32:45that's what Matthew reminded me of.
32:48That's what I was going for.
32:50And then every now and then,
32:52something weird just sneaked in.
32:54Here's science, Matt.
32:56Science today!
32:58And science all your life!
33:04I guess those broadcasts when you were a child
33:07were different over in the States,
33:08Much more aggressive.
33:09Yeah.
33:10Yeah.
33:11Get fucking buckled in.
33:13I don't know how relevant I will kill you is.
33:18Listen.
33:19You know what that's going to do?
33:20Bring them back for the next episode.
33:23I mean, the thing I thought about Rosie was
33:25she's just a pretty good presenter.
33:27Wasn't she?
33:27That was a task.
33:28Yeah?
33:29OK, let's stop for the last time and take a break.
33:33Come back when someone will win
33:34and then have to give back some borrowed prizes.
33:37And there was me thinking this show couldn't get any more low rent.
33:41We'll see you in a minute.
33:44APPLAUSE
33:53Welcome back!
33:55Here's the last part of the show
33:56and the cast are auditioning to be children's TV science presenters.
34:00Yes, they are.
34:02Because that's what the task told them to do
34:04and no-one seems to question the premise.
34:05Now, for our final two.
34:07It is Stevie and it is Fatia.
34:10Oh, hello, folks.
34:12My name's Dr. Darth Lightfinger.
34:15My name is F-F-F-F-F-F-Furr.
34:20And I'd like to welcome you all to Science Today Today.
34:26Which two experiments shall we do today on Science Today?
34:33I'm going to pick one and four.
34:36Number one, the bounce experiment.
34:38Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing.
34:41A boingy boing.
34:42This ball is so bouncy.
34:44Watch this!
34:46Good Lord!
34:48This fantastical orb has a tiny tracker inside.
34:52This is what...
34:53Woo!
34:55And I'll also do number two.
34:58The toothpaste experiment.
35:00The balloon popping experiment.
35:03Nobody likes the sounds of balloons popping, do they?
35:06Especially not me.
35:08As everyone knows, elephants have teeth that can grow to this big.
35:13Well, you can easily stop a balloon from popping by filling it with liquid.
35:18The best way to get toothpaste for your elephant is to manufacture it in your home.
35:24Here we go, bruv.
35:28This is not going to work.
35:30Stop!
35:34First, I just need to add this yeast to my warm water.
35:39I'm stirring vigorously.
35:42See?
35:43I told you I could do it.
35:46Now!
35:47This is crazy.
35:48And I'll put all the glitter into the special elephant's toothpaste mixture bottle.
35:52I'm also going to blow a balloon up now.
35:55With the gas inside my body, I'm not farting into a balloon.
35:58Are you mad?
35:59I always make a horrible retching sound.
36:03Sorry about that.
36:11Watch the chemicals react!
36:15When I put a sharp pin on the first balloon, it won't make a noise at all.
36:21It will be absolutely silent.
36:25Oh, my God, is it going to blow?
36:27Oh, my God, I can't do it.
36:29Ah!
36:31Oh!
36:33Bruv.
36:35Look at that.
36:35David Attenborough, you can suck it.
36:37Look at that, bruv.
36:38Now, let's give Eddie a little clean.
36:44Cover your ears.
36:45It's bang time.
36:47OK, here we go.
36:48Oh, my God.
36:49Oh!
36:51There we go.
36:52That was science today.
36:54Today.
36:55Woo!
36:56Goodbye, everyone.
36:58Science, science, science.
37:00State of life!
37:00Science is a shit.
37:02Science is great!
37:02My hands are really sticky.
37:04Science!
37:05Science.
37:06Science.
37:10APPLAUSE
37:11Dr Darthe Leisfinger.
37:13Yes.
37:14I just thought she was quite a good presenter.
37:16OK.
37:17Until...
37:19The noise you made when you were cleaning the elephant's tusks.
37:22I didn't hear it.
37:23Well, let's have a listen.
37:24Here we go.
37:25Whoa!
37:26Whoa!
37:30OK, I get that, yeah.
37:32Fatia? Yeah. OK.
37:34The scientist was called...
37:38I couldn't... Do you know what?
37:40As soon as I walked in, I saw the balloons on the side,
37:42I was like, oh, shit.
37:43So I couldn't really think of anything.
37:45I just wonder... Yeah.
37:47If you were a children's science presenter, OK,
37:50when you put the pin into the balloon that has a bit of water in it,
37:53you, Fatia, were genuinely amazed it had worked.
37:56It's a fair character.
38:00And I just wonder if...
38:03Should she say, David Attenborough, you could suck it?
38:08In this country, say, David Attenborough, you should suck it.
38:12Look at that bruv.
38:15Well, it's most authoritative delivery.
38:18She was authoritative, I think.
38:19Thank you. She was authoritative.
38:21But also with the fewest mistakes, and arguably...
38:23Oh, really?
38:24..you ignored quite a bit of the mistakes.
38:26I feel that Rosie was the most accurate and authoritative,
38:31followed by Stevie, and then Matthew and Fatia and Jason,
38:36to me... Yeah?
38:37..were all very engaging and very interesting,
38:40but had moments of such madness...
38:43..that it didn't sit within the word authoritative.
38:47LAUGHTER
38:48So you won't like it, but I'm going to give them all three points.
38:51So it's three to Fatia, three to Jason, three to Matthew,
38:53four to Stevie, five to Rosie Ramsey.
38:55There we go!
38:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
38:58Can we see the scores, please?
38:59Yes, well, it is still hers to lose.
39:01Stevie's in the lead with 18 points now.
39:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:08OK, everybody, please.
39:10Stay where you are for the final task of the show!
39:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:21Who's going to read the task?
39:23I think Fatia is going to read the task.
39:25Say whether the next person will have a higher or lower number
39:29of things than the previous person.
39:32The category of things will change each time.
39:35If you make two mistakes, you are eliminated.
39:39Last player standing wins.
39:41So, we start with a picture of me,
39:43so it's whether the next person has more or less things than me.
39:46And Greg will tell you what the category of things is.
39:49Ready?
39:50Does the person next in line
39:52have a higher or lower shoe size than Alex?
39:59Reveal the person. Higher or lower shoe size than Alex Horne.
40:02Not many people have a higher shoe size than me.
40:05In fact, it's only, Greg.
40:07It is Rosie Ramsey, it is lower.
40:08You are all right.
40:09Yes!
40:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:12Does the person next in line
40:13have a higher or lower Wikipedia entry word count
40:17than Rosie Ramsey?
40:20They've all gone higher.
40:21All gone higher.
40:22Well, I can tell you, it is actually...
40:23It's Matthew Bainton and it is higher.
40:25It is higher.
40:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:29Sorry, I've broken one of my paddles.
40:32How and why did you do that?
40:34I was using them to clap.
40:36You even destroy stuff when you don't mean to.
40:39You're welcome.
40:40OK.
40:41Does the person next in line
40:43own a higher or lower number of trainers
40:46than Matthew Bainton?
40:48OK.
40:48We've got three lowers, we've got two highers.
40:50Matthew, how many pairs of trainers do you own?
40:53Five.
40:54Greg, how many do you own?
40:5616 pairs.
40:57Higher was right.
40:58We have lost a life here, here and at the end.
41:01All the females lose a life.
41:03Has the person next in line
41:05owned a higher or lower number of dogs?
41:08Life total, please.
41:10We've gone higher, higher, lower, lower.
41:12Matt goes higher.
41:13How many dogs have you owned, Greg?
41:15Two dogs!
41:16Oh, fuck.
41:18How many dogs have you owned, Fatia?
41:21Zero.
41:22Because they stink!
41:23It's not.
41:24Laura is correct.
41:25If you've gone higher, we have lost Fatia Al Ghori.
41:27She gets one point.
41:30Does the person next in line have a higher or lower
41:34number of nieces than Fatia Al Ghori?
41:38She's got family.
41:40Well, I have six nieces.
41:44Fatia?
41:4516.
41:46They're all correct.
41:46They all stay in.
41:47It's going to be a big wedding, Greg.
41:49Have you got the dollars?
41:51I have.
41:53Does the next person in line have a lucky number
41:56that is higher or lower than Alex Horne?
42:01Yeah.
42:02Can I ask what the logic is?
42:03I just think he's got a very obtuse, annoying...
42:06Like, 103 or something.
42:09He's not going to just choose six like a normal person.
42:13Well, let's find out.
42:14Jason, you've gone higher and you are the next person.
42:17What is your lucky number, Jason?
42:1811.
42:19Perfectly normal.
42:20My lucky number is...
42:23One.
42:24Whoa!
42:25Oh, no.
42:26It's a trillion!
42:28It's a trillion!
42:30It's a trillion!
42:30Hold it.
42:31We've lost Jason Manzoukas.
42:32He comes fourth.
42:33Do it.
42:34Has the person next in line visited a higher or lower number
42:37of countries this year than Jason Manzoukas?
42:40Americans don't usually leave America.
42:42Yeah, but he's a famous man.
42:43Yeah, he is.
42:44And here he is in Britain.
42:49Well, the next person, it's interesting.
42:50A DJ?
42:51It's only Greg Davis.
42:52Jason, how many countries have you visited this year?
42:54I believe it's five.
42:56Is it higher or lower?
42:57It's two, Ashley.
42:58It's lower.
42:59We've lost Rosie Ramsey.
43:00Oh!
43:03It's Matthew versus Stevie.
43:06Has the person next in line run a higher or lower distance
43:09ever in their life than Greg Davis?
43:12Have you ever run in one go?
43:1310K.
43:15I'm talking.
43:16We don't think you should run any more.
43:20Well, this is the final one.
43:21It could have the person next in line failed a higher or lower
43:24button.
43:25Lower, higher.
43:26It's you, Matthew.
43:27How many of you failed?
43:28One.
43:29How many of you failed?
43:30None.
43:30She's never taken a test.
43:31We have a winner.
43:33It's Stevie Martin.
43:37Stevie Martin wins.
43:39We'll add that to the final scores.
43:40We'll see you back down there.
43:47She's done very badly in almost every episode.
43:49Oh, my gosh.
43:50She's been rubbish.
43:52But in this particular episode, she has got a grand total of 23 points.
43:57She's won the episode.
43:59It's Stevie Martin!
44:03Stevie is today's winner.
44:06Please bowl up to the stage to behold your boy Milano!
44:09Yay!
44:11Well, it's just two episodes to go, but for now, it's tonight's winner.
44:15She's done it!
44:17Stevie Martin!
44:18She's done it!
44:18Woo!
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