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00:09For many years, this has been my day job, but when the important work was over, I came
00:26home to this. It's my farm in the Cotswolds. Nestling among the ancient stone villages, it's
00:41a peaceful 1,000-acre haven of wide-open fields, brooks, waterfalls, woods, and wild
00:55flower meadows. It stretches from those trees over there on the far horizon, then it goes
01:06behind that big wood, down into the valley, and then up past here to a point a couple of
01:12miles over there. And ever since I bought it back in 2008, it's been run by a chap from
01:19the village. However, he told me a couple of months ago that he is retiring, so I've come
01:25up with a plan. I shall farm it myself.
01:40I've never done this. Oh, bombing happening. That's as straight as a roundabout. Oh, that
01:48sign of me going up there is not happening. We're going to have a sign saying, guess who
01:52drilled this? Jeremy, Caleb. Take off. Right. Let's go round up some sheep. Jeremy, you're
02:01going too fast. Oh, shit. Please stop. Come on. Don't rain. Don't rain. This is global warming,
02:12and you racing about all your life in vehicles. Just unbelievable horse shit. See them? They're
02:19gold pinches. Really? That actually makes me really happy. Behold! I am Moses. What the fuck
02:29are you doing up here? Here's Moses. I firmly believe that I didn't need anyone but
02:39me. That's a baby. Oh, jeez. Have you looked after sheep before? I think I'm going in it
02:48saying this. No. Oh, yes. This is my wilding project. Oh, no, no, no. This is not wilding.
03:01That's damage. It's like Fulton and Mason's. It's what? Oh, my God. What have I done?
03:15Oh. Stay in your vehicle, please. Stay in your vehicle. I'm pushing 60. I've smoked three-quarters
03:22of a million cigarettes. I've had pneumonia. If I get it... Yeah, there's not a lot of hope.
03:30Oh, shit. Shit. Shit. Wayne Rooney's dead.
03:40And this is the moment. You missed a bit. Where? In the mirror. No, I didn't. You did.
04:07All that is to come. But right now, it's time to start my first job. The biggest, most important
04:14job of them all. Planting wheat and barley in all the big fields like this one. How do you do
04:22that?
04:24No idea. Literally. Honestly, I have absolutely no clue. All I do know is it's going to involve
04:32some tractoring. Obviously, to do tractoring, I'd need a tractor. So on day one, I set off
05:00to my local dealership. Quite like this one, look. The Super Major. There are worse names.
05:13As I'm familiar with stuff that has four wheels and an engine, I should have been at home here.
05:19But I wasn't. So I sought advice from the dealership's owner, Patrick Edwards.
05:25How much is this? 7,500. That is what we specialise in. You've got an engine at the front.
05:32Yeah. You've got a gearbox and a back axle. No suspension. No fancy electronics. There's
05:38nothing to go wrong that we can't mend. What horsepower's that got? 45 horsepower.
05:43It's a bit feeble. Well, it fed the country. No, but people didn't eat very much in those days.
05:52What's the most power... What's that got, horsepower-wise?
05:55Well, that would be about 65 horsepower. And is that the most powerful one here?
05:59Yes. 65 horsepower. Yes.
06:06I then took one of his restored tractors for a test drive.
06:12Oh, it begins. Let's open it up.
06:24Oh.
06:28Having finished my test drive, I made a decision. And bought this.
06:37This is a Lamborghini R8.
06:44Oh, my God. This thing is enormous.
06:49Everything about it is just vast.
06:52It weighs 10 tons.
06:55I have 40 forwards gears and 40 reverse gears.
07:02Well, I know that little Massey Ferguson was very sweet, but come on!
07:09Okay, and here we are at the farm.
07:14Oh, hello.
07:17Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
07:23Oh, shit.
07:28Right.
07:33First up with an opinion was my girlfriend, Lisa.
07:37That is... That's too big.
07:39It isn't. It isn't. The shed's too...
07:42Enormous.
07:44...little.
07:46Ah, here's someone who does know about farming.
07:49It's Charlie Ireland now. He's my sort of land agent.
07:53He knows what's needed and when it's needed.
07:57He'll be guiding me over the coming year.
08:00Jeremy, hello.
08:01Charlie, how are you?
08:01Very well, thanks. How are you?
08:03It's quite large.
08:08Um...
08:08Come on, it's a good tractor.
08:11It's got the wrong hitch on.
08:13What?
08:15That's a European hitch.
08:17What's the matter? I got it from Germany.
08:18You may well have done.
08:20So I can't attach anything to the back of this?
08:22Not at the moment.
08:24But it is a big tractor.
08:26I think it's a vast tractor up here.
08:30But too big?
08:31Yes.
08:33Charlie then sat me down to explain just how expensive it would be
08:37to get my crops in the ground.
08:40So you've got a tractor, albeit too big.
08:43You then need some implements to go on the back of it.
08:47So the tractor at 40.
08:49What else do you need?
08:51A cultivator, 20,000 to 25,000.
08:54A new drill, probably 40,000 to 50,000.
08:5860,000 for a sprayer?
09:01And you haven't got a trailer?
09:0410,000.
09:06Those are 62,000.
09:07About 35,000.
09:09Same in fertiliser.
09:12So we're about two...
09:13We're a quarter of a million?
09:14A quarter of a million pounds.
09:15And that's just the sort of the backbone of the equipment you want.
09:18No, no, I'm sorry.
09:18I'm just going to say it's a quarter of a million pounds.
09:20A quarter of a million pounds.
09:24So we can either do it two ways.
09:25We're going to get some new equipment,
09:26or we can probably do it the sensible way
09:28and get some good second-hand machinery that's lower value.
09:33Yeah.
09:33There's a couple of farm sales coming up.
09:35Okay, so we'll go to a farm sale?
09:37Yeah.
09:43So, a few days later, on a beautiful Cotswolds morning,
09:49I fired up the cheque book and went shopping.
10:00Charlie had provided me with a list of what to buy.
10:04But it might as well have been in Arabic.
10:09No idea what that is.
10:15No idea.
10:18What the hell is that? I mean, what is everything?
10:22It's like a medieval funfair, this.
10:25Hundreds of different ways of killing yourself.
10:28There are, apparently, 20 times more deaths
10:31among people working in agriculture
10:34than there are in all the other sectors combined.
10:3820 times more.
10:40And when you see equipment like this,
10:41you can see why you're alone, you're in a field,
10:44you fall in there,
10:46and then you're just sort of fed into your own field.
10:52I see, right, I think I've worked this one out.
10:55You attach it to the tractor here,
10:58then you slip,
10:59and that scrapes your arm off,
11:02and then the other ones scrape your arm into the ground.
11:07Greetings. Are you a farmer?
11:09No, no, I'm a forester.
11:11A really good way of chopping your arm off in forestry.
11:14Oh, you actually haven't got any fingers.
11:18I can't believe it. You've seen this?
11:22Works in forestry.
11:23Yeah.
11:24This is a thing of beauty.
11:27Button back drain on three-piece suite.
11:31Oh, yes.
11:34Soon the fields started to fill up,
11:38and the auction buzz was building.
11:42He's just showing off. Look at me.
11:44Still got an arm.
11:48Amazon have said they want as much diversity in this show
11:51as we can possibly manage,
11:52and I think we're doing well, because if you look,
11:55there's every different type of white 60-year-old men here.
12:02Right, we have a great line-up of arable kit,
12:05and grassland kit.
12:06To make sure I didn't rip myself off,
12:09Charlie had also provided a handy price guide
12:12for each bit of kit.
12:14I need lock three here.
12:17Good price would be six and a half.
12:19Bad price would be thirteen.
12:21So, Verland CLM cultivator.
12:24That £1,000 CLM.
12:26At £1,000 I'm bid.
12:28At £1,000.
12:29Under the watchful gaze of a man
12:31who seemed to have had an argument with a threshing machine,
12:36I started bidding.
12:38$1,200.
12:39$14,000.
12:40$16,000.
12:41$1,800 I'm bid.
12:42$2,000 I'm bid.
12:44$2,200.
12:45$2,200.
12:45$2,400.
12:46$2,600.
12:47$3,200.
12:48$3,300.
12:49$3,800.
12:50$3,850.
12:52Your bid, sir.
12:53$6,111.
12:56That was good.
12:58See?
12:58We were told $6,500 was a good price.
13:01We've just got that for $3,950.
13:04Yes.
13:06On we go, lock 33.
13:08It's a Bonford double seven hedge cutter.
13:11$2,900.
13:12$2,900.
13:12I did go a bit over on some of my other purchases.
13:16Your bid, sir.
13:17Okay.
13:18So, I was told not to go above $3,600 and I've gone to $5,100.
13:23Here we go then.
13:25Bits on left.
13:26But at the end of the sale.
13:28At $4,200 I'm bid.
13:30At $2,600.
13:32I had everything I needed.
13:34Your bid, sir.
13:35$6,111.
13:36The buyer.
13:40Having spent £82,000 on equipment and £2,000 on office furniture, my next job, according
13:50to Charlie, was to go through the timetable for getting the crops in the ground.
13:58So, I've worked out a cropping plant.
14:00And this is what we're putting in this year then?
14:01This is what I think we should put in.
14:03This is, we've got to get the winter barley all the way along there.
14:07So, the winter barley all the way along here.
14:08So, that's got to be done now.
14:09And the wheat here has got to be done now.
14:12Yep.
14:13So, it's 235 acres, we've got all this.
14:15And then we've got the 200 acres of spring barley to prepare for.
14:18So, we've got to get cultivation, get sprayed off, cultivations and drilling.
14:24In?
14:24In under two weeks.
14:29Okay.
14:29The problem is, if we don't drill the winter barley then, the yield will start dropping off.
14:34We need lots of seeds in the ground to get those going.
14:37So, we've got quite a lot to do.
14:39Okay.
14:40And then there's the biggest challenge, is you've got, we've got to learn how to,
14:45you know, you've got to learn how to do it.
14:48Yeah, no, but I mean...
14:49Because, you know, there's an old saying that I've got, you know, well sown is half grown.
14:55So, if the crop is planted well, then actually, you're halfway there.
14:59So, the biggest risk factor is, you know...
15:01Not planting it properly.
15:02Not planting it properly.
15:04Right.
15:05And we haven't mentioned the other factor.
15:08We all get weather.
15:10If the weather's rubbish, we just have to sit there...
15:13So, the soil needs to be dry.
15:15The soil needs to be, you know, in good condition.
15:18Lorry.
15:19There's a lorry arrived.
15:23What have we got?
15:24We've got fertiliser.
15:25Yeah.
15:26Come in here and seed in this one.
15:29So, we need to move the tractor.
15:33Yeah.
15:34Then the forklift's in here.
15:36Yeah.
15:36So, we'll get that going.
15:55I should have got a smaller tractor.
16:03I reckon these guys are going to get itchy in a minute.
16:12Just as I was about to get started, cheerful Charlie delivered a little bundle of government red tape.
16:20We've got some hay in there.
16:21Yeah.
16:21So, we need to move the hay.
16:23So, you can't store a combustible, such as hay, straw or anything like that, with fertiliser.
16:27The two mix quite well.
16:29So, you've got an oxidising engine.
16:30Why not?
16:30Why not?
16:30Why not?
16:31Well, because...
16:31Hay doesn't spontaneously combust.
16:33Well, it might do in the presence of fertiliser.
16:36Which is a good...
16:38Really?
16:39We're not allowed to.
16:39It's breaching the fertiliser industry assurance standard rules.
16:43So, the government has an opinion on what I store my fertiliser next to?
16:48In fairness, it's quite a sensible one.
16:53Within our working week, we've got to build in the, you know, the regulations and rules that we have to
16:58comply by.
16:59Some of those rules are a little bit challenging, but, you know, they're there for a reason.
17:06Farming is a patient game.
17:08And given that he's, you know, not the world's most patient man...
17:12Fucking useless.
17:15You know, that will be a real test.
17:18Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
17:29For fuck's sake.
17:33Eventually, the hay...
17:36And everything else that might suddenly explode was taken out of the shed.
17:42And, much to the relief of the delivery drivers, I could finally start unloading.
17:48Oh, look at this. Look at this.
17:52Oh-ho-ho!
17:56Backwards.
18:02Excellent.
18:05Cheers, mate, that's brilliant.
18:07Do you want to pull forward so I can get the seed off?
18:10There's, er, 46 more bags on here for you.
18:14What?
18:15Yep, it's all for you.
18:17All the way back.
18:19You're kidding.
18:24This is all for you.
18:26I know, he just said.
18:32Despite a couple of small accidents...
18:37Oh, shit.
18:39I had all the fertiliser and the seed unloaded in just five hours.
18:56This was it?
18:57Yeah.
18:58One of those.
18:59One of those.
19:0016 and a half tonnes.
19:02That's right.
19:05There you go.
19:06And many thanks for your patience.
19:07No problem.
19:08It was my first day, so I wasn't quite as quick as...
19:11I perhaps will be one day.
19:17Now I have these seed and fertiliser, I was finally ready to start farming.
19:24And with Charlie's tight timetable looming over me, I had to learn my way around the equipment quickly.
19:34So, once the correct hitch had been fitted to the tractor, I sprang into action.
19:55I assumed the answer to the question of how I'd join everything together lay in the cab.
20:02However...
20:03Three buttons there, I don't know what they do.
20:06No, no, don't know.
20:08No.
20:10No.
20:11Buttons here, don't know.
20:14No.
20:15And then...
20:17Oh, God, look.
20:19There was only one thing for it.
20:21First, call my local branch of the National Farmers' Union and ask for help.
20:26No, that would be perfect, thanks.
20:28That's good. My union representative's coming over.
20:31Erm, to give me some help.
20:35I'll go and light the brazier.
20:39Instead of Arthur Scargill, however,
20:42they sent Georgia Craig.
20:45I'll be honest, I'm not the most practical man.
20:48Are you good with tractors?
20:49Yeah.
20:51But this is the only tractor you've got?
20:53Well, yeah.
20:55Yeah.
20:55OK.
20:56Well, what's wrong with it?
20:57It's just a...
20:58It's quite big.
20:59Everyone says it's too big.
21:02So, what made you choose it?
21:04It's a Lamborghini.
21:05I'll get it done more quickly.
21:07Right, OK.
21:08So, what's the problem?
21:09Honestly, truthfully, I don't really know how the tractor works.
21:14OK.
21:14I can drive it, but I can't...
21:16But I can't operate it.
21:17It's got three gear levers.
21:19Yeah.
21:19Two brake pedals.
21:21And...
21:218,000 buttons.
21:24OK.
21:25Some of which are in German.
21:26OK.
21:28Lesson one was learning how to attach the tractor to something called a cultivator.
21:34Hold it, hold it there!
21:38Argh!
21:40Put a door couch there.
21:43It's the last time I'm coming out of there forwards.
21:45The first thing I've noticed is that pin is down, so you want to have both pins up.
21:50Can I go in there?
21:51I would turn the engine off and then pull the pin up, just to be safe.
21:54Go back up the ladder again?
21:55Yeah.
22:00Right, so...
22:00Pull that pin up.
22:04So, what we're going to do is lift the link arms up.
22:06Right, so start the engine?
22:08Yep.
22:08Back up the ladder.
22:11Don't do that!
22:11Sit in it!
22:20Right.
22:21No, can I kick that one?
22:22It's just slight look.
22:23No, no, no, don't kick it.
22:25Do it inside.
22:27Back up the ladder.
22:28God.
22:31Hold it there!
22:33Can I operate it from in here and see if that's worked?
22:36No, because they might come flying up.
22:39That's really safe.
22:42OK, so you're nearly on.
22:44You just need to come back a tiny little bit and then they'll go on.
22:47Yeah, but it's literally a millimetre.
22:48Yeah, you don't need a little bit.
22:50Back up the ladder again.
22:53Fucking hell.
22:55That's it!
22:56Right.
22:57Turn the engine off and then we'll do it from out here.
23:00OK, I'm going to operate it from in here.
23:02I don't care what she says.
23:04Ha-ha!
23:05No!
23:06Oh, shit!
23:07Yes!
23:07I did it!
23:08I just couldn't be bothered to come down the ladder again.
23:14When the cultivator attached, we headed out to a nearby field
23:18so Georgia could teach me how to use it.
23:21And what it did.
23:23The idea is that we're just loosening the top,
23:27the sort of friable surface of the soil.
23:29So we'd loosen it up now, jiggle it up a bit.
23:31Yeah.
23:32So when we put the seeds in using the driller,
23:35Yeah.
23:35they're into good loosened up soil.
23:37Yeah.
23:38And so began my first driving lesson for 42 years.
23:43First gear?
23:44Yeah.
23:45Low?
23:45Yeah.
23:47Let's farm.
23:56Look at that, I'm farming.
23:59Dang it!
24:03Look at the difference already.
24:05You can see where you're cultivating.
24:07Right.
24:08Let's go a little bit faster.
24:10So we always want to get that soil to bubble up.
24:12Speed up a bit.
24:16And that soil is like boiling, isn't it?
24:18Like a soil boil.
24:20It's amazing.
24:25So before you turn, you're going to lift up and then we're going to just do a three-point turn.
24:30Okay.
24:32Little turn.
24:37Going down.
24:41Do you like cruising in your Lambo?
24:44Oh, come on.
24:44It's a pretty good tractor.
24:46Too big.
24:47Is it too big?
24:48It is.
24:50I was very much enjoying farming.
24:53So I decided to pull over and enjoy it some more.
24:57With a Plowman's.
25:00What cheese is this?
25:01Cheddar.
25:02Do you want to pick a lily?
25:03Mm.
25:07I think you're ready to go on your own.
25:09Cultivating.
25:10Really?
25:11Yeah, because you'll get your own feel for it.
25:14Flying solo on day one.
25:16I'm actually doing farming.
25:18It's not how I've...
25:19It's what you wanted to do.
25:20I've never... I know.
25:22And Howard, the previous farmer, said,
25:24I'm jacking it in.
25:25And I just thought, I'll do it.
25:28And everybody said, you're stupid.
25:30You're literally...
25:31That's the stupidest thing ever.
25:33You'll never be able to do it.
25:34And now you are.
25:36I'm actually doing farming.
25:41Look at that now.
25:43That's beautiful, isn't it?
25:46Perfect.
25:48I like that tractor.
25:50I like that tractor.
25:51I shouldn't have been mean about it to start with.
25:53No.
25:53I was probably just jealous.
26:05The next morning, I was up early.
26:08Excited about going solo.
26:14This is not a bad commute.
26:16You know, this isn't.
26:18Forging a path through the dew
26:20on a beautiful, beautiful autumn morning.
26:32Look at that view.
26:34No.
26:45Lower cultivator.
26:47Cultivator lower.
26:54Farming happening.
27:04Look at my seagulls.
27:06There are thousands of them.
27:10I wonder if seagulls can hear tractors from 70 miles away.
27:15They must be able to.
27:17It was a wonderful, happy day.
27:20Third gear.
27:21Nice.
27:23In fact, the only irritation was having to faff about
27:27turning round at the end of every run.
27:37So I came up with a better idea.
27:41Right.
27:41Here's my plan.
27:42It's a good one.
27:43I'm not going to do one of those three-point turns
27:45and then come back alongside the bit I've just done.
27:48I'm going to do a series of U-turns like that
27:53and then come back on the bits I haven't done
27:58and it'll all fit together.
28:00Right, ready?
28:02Up she comes.
28:03Go on full lock.
28:05And then drop it back down.
28:13Oh, yeah.
28:15I just have to stay parallel with that bit
28:17I've already done over there.
28:21And then...
28:22Oh, yes.
28:30Sadly, though, this turned out to be harder than I thought.
28:35Oh, God, I've not done this right.
28:37Yeah, look what I've done.
28:39Made a mess.
28:42Oh, I'm going to have to come up it again.
28:50Jeremy Clarkson, he can't even drive in a straight line.
28:54There's a bit over there as well.
28:56Oh, Jesus Christ.
29:00I was wasting a lot of fuel doing unnecessary runs and time.
29:06Time which I couldn't afford.
29:09I had to get this field done and all the others.
29:15That's 435 acres in less than 14 days.
29:21And all I'd managed to do on the first day was 10 acres.
29:27Oh, I've made the total haul into this.
29:35I realised that I needed help.
29:38Caleb, nice to meet you.
29:39So I called Caleb Cooper, the tractor driver who'd worked for the previous farmer.
29:45I'm in a muddle.
29:47I'm in a proper, proper muddle because...
29:50Well, I mean, you've farmed this farm, haven't you?
29:52Yeah, I've farmed this farm for three years.
29:54Three years, is it?
29:55Yeah.
29:55Well, I've been nearly 24 hours and all I've managed to do is cultivate 10 acres of...
30:02Is that Bury Hill South?
30:0410 acres?
30:05Hmm.
30:07And some of it went a bit wrong.
30:10Erm...
30:11When you've done it in the past, how long did it take to cultivate?
30:14So that would probably take me a good week, but that's long hours to do the whole farm.
30:20I don't mind long hours, but a week?
30:22A week.
30:23And that was just the cultivating.
30:26We'd then have to plant the seeds using something called a drill.
30:30And how long would that take?
30:33A bit longer, because a...
30:35What drill have you got?
30:38A...
30:39A red one.
30:41A red one?
30:42It's...
30:43It's coloured red...
30:44It's red...
30:45Or is it orange?
30:46It's reddy-orange.
30:47Reddy-orange.
30:48So what else do you do apart from this?
30:50So I've got my own contracting business on the side, Caleb Cooper's Contracting Services.
30:55I've also got a 1.5-tonne digger.
30:57I do general digger work, such as burying pipes, water pipes, digging footings.
31:02So you're quite practical.
31:04Yeah, I've also...
31:05I've also got 50 head of sheep.
31:08I normally try and do five pigs a year to fatten up for sausages, pork chops.
31:13I've also got about 120 chickens at the minute on the farm.
31:18I sell the eggs locally.
31:20How old are you?
31:21I'm 21.
31:23What?
31:2421.
31:26You're making me feel pathetic.
31:28I'm 59, I haven't done any of that.
31:30Yep.
31:31So what's your plan?
31:32So we've got...
31:33This has been drawn up by Charlie Island.
31:36We've got Winter Wheaton, Bury Hills Southend.
31:39Do you know what that one's called?
31:40Laos?
31:40You do.
31:41What's this one called then?
31:43Er...
31:43Near Brossela.
31:44Yeah, this one.
31:46Do you know the names of all the fields?
31:48Yeah, I know the names of all the fields.
31:49We'll see.
31:49Aerodrone.
31:51Coming down is Downs Ground.
31:54Coming down after that is Big Ground.
31:56Coming after that is Banks.
31:58And then Spitaway, Taylors.
32:01Down and down the road here is near Brossela.
32:05Mm-hmm.
32:05Far Brossela.
32:06How did you know this?
32:08Well, I've spent three years in each field spraying, drilling, cultivating.
32:13You were a local man then?
32:14Chippy born and bred.
32:15Chippy Norton School?
32:16Never left the place.
32:17We've never left it?
32:18No.
32:19Been to London?
32:19No.
32:20Or once on an art trip.
32:21I stayed in the coach.
32:25Didn't like it.
32:26Too many people.
32:28Banbury?
32:29Banbury at a push.
32:32I asked if I needed something desperately.
32:34But otherwise you're happy.
32:35Chippy Norton.
32:36Chippy Norton, Chadlington, Heathrop.
32:37That's pretty much...
32:38Yeah, that's me.
32:39You sound like just the saving grace.
32:41It's almost as though God himself has beat you down.
32:44Good.
32:45Let's go see the tractor.
32:47Wow.
32:49Lamborghini.
32:50I know.
32:56With Caleb and I operating in shifts, the pace picked up.
33:03And it needed to because, as Charlie kept reminding me, time was money.
33:11If I can get all my winter barley planted by October the 7th, I can expect next year a yield
33:16of around about three and a half tons an acre.
33:22But if it rains, or the tractor breaks down and I'm late, even by so much as a few days,
33:27that yield would drop to perhaps two tons an acre, a ton and a half down per acre.
33:34And each ton is 120 pounds, so over a hundred acres, I'd be losing 18,000 pounds.
33:48Caleb reckoned, however, that if we kept up this pace, we could have all 435 acres planted by the deadline
33:57of October the 7th.
34:00The bottom field is complete.
34:04Yes, you mighty tractor.
34:07However, just three days into our labours...
34:22When the rain did eventually slacken, 48 frustrating hours later, I ventured out again.
34:30But I didn't get far.
34:33Right, the bolt has come out of there, and that bolt's come out and turned the other way round.
34:40Which means these discs are turning, which means I'm just creating a little mud mountain.
35:00Come on.
35:04That's just jammed.
35:14Right, so the lug's done, that's done, so this is working again now.
35:17Yep, it's all back up together.
35:19But it's raining.
35:21The roller on the back here will pack up with mud, and then you'll just be skimming on the top,
35:26and it's hard work to get it unblocked.
35:32Of the 400 acres we needed to tackle, we'd only managed 150.
35:39Right, well, that's alarming, because I now have...
35:45I've got nine days.
35:48I've got nine days to do all those fields down there.
35:53And that means I've got to cultivate them, and drill it.
35:57And I've got nine days, and the weather forecast says it's going to be raining for the next seven of
36:02them.
36:07Why don't farmers all have coronaries?
36:15As predicted, the rain continued to fall for the rest of the week.
36:24But eventually, the sun did come out.
36:28So, finally, we can start cultivating again.
36:33A map of where I'm going.
36:41Not going. Why am I not moving? Come on.
36:44I've got no drive.
36:46Right, what have I forgotten?
36:50Let's have a look.
36:53What's going on?
36:54All in fucking German.
36:56We've got no book with that, have we?
36:58It's all right. Google translate.
37:01Page not found.
37:04Is there anyone we can call?
37:06Well, that's why I'm trying to find Dukesvar dealer, the nearest one to call down.
37:10PHONE RINGS
37:11Hello?
37:13Hi, Peter.
37:14Hello.
37:15Hi, it's Jeremy Clarkson, over in Chipping Norton.
37:18Starts, put it in gear, and then let the clutch in.
37:21I would start with your brake fluid reservoir.
37:26So, it's either low, or it's having a bit of a hissy fit with a level sensor.
37:33Right, reservoirs.
37:37This is now Italian.
37:39No, wait, wait, wait. Good news, this is in French.
37:44Never been to France.
37:46That can't be brakes. No, that's all to do with the hydraulics on this.
37:49No. We need a book, don't we?
37:52Yes, but we haven't got one.
37:53I mean, I've got thousands of books. Have you got a book?
37:56No.
37:58Any books?
37:59No.
37:59Have you not got a book?
38:00No.
38:01I've got hundreds and hundreds of books, but...
38:03Yeah, but how do you read hundreds and hundreds of books?
38:05What?
38:05How do you read them all?
38:06Have you got hundreds of them? You can't read all of them, sure.
38:08Yes, no, I've read thousands of books.
38:09Oh, I didn't do that.
38:11Have you had a haircut?
38:13Yeah, I have.
38:13Trying them all.
38:14What?
38:15I'm trying all different haircuts.
38:17Why?
38:17Until I get older.
38:18You know, because I'm going to lose all my hair.
38:20Really?
38:20The next thing, I'm going to perm it.
38:24Good luck with that.
38:25How many hairstyles have you had?
38:27Er, going from long, top and side, top...
38:31About five in the last, what, probably.
38:33Have you had a Filoki?
38:35What's that?
38:36Human League.
38:36Long on one side, short on the other.
38:38No, no, not about that.
38:39Okay.
38:40Anyway, can we just get back...
38:41Can we just stop talking about your hairdressing?
38:43You brought it up?
38:44Yeah, I just wanted to know, because I was making conversation while you found the brake reservoir.
38:50Fucking...
38:50Buy a tractor in the UK, not in Germany.
38:53You'll be all right.
38:55Despite much ferreting, we couldn't find the source of the problem.
39:01Fuck!
39:04Right, that's it.
39:06Cup of tea then.
39:07Yet another day of no farming.
39:10Yeah.
39:12We could grease up.
39:16Oh.
39:21You look at me like that!
39:27You mean grease all the nipples?
39:29Yeah, yeah, grease the nipples.
39:31Right, we've got an hour, we can grease nipples.
39:37The following day, mercifully, we were able to get back to work.
39:43Okay, I'm slightly embarrassed this morning, because the tractor wasn't actually broken.
39:48There's a lever down here which had got knocked somehow into neutral, which is why it wouldn't set off.
39:54And that means I lost an entire afternoon's farming, because this tractor is...
40:00complicated.
40:06As a result of everything, there was now no hope of hitting Charlie's deadlines.
40:16We were miles behind with the cultivating, and we hadn't even started planting the seeds.
40:24The situation now, I'd call it desperate.
40:29Please don't rain.
40:32Please don't rain.
40:37And back at base, an even bigger issue was developing.
40:47Shit, that is a really big problem, isn't it?
40:50Yeah.
40:50Yeah.
40:50See, what's happened is, is the bag of seed, we've had it for such a long time now,
40:54not being able to get it in the ground because of the rain,
40:56which has been going underneath the...
40:59well, the wall of the barn,
41:01and the seed has actually started to grow in the bag.
41:04So we can't... that... you can't feed that into the drill, can we?
41:08No.
41:08If you look underneath, it's just a carpet of roots.
41:12Fuck.
41:16We needed to get the remaining seeds in the ground as quickly as possible.
41:21Right up.
41:22Even if that meant planting them in fields that hadn't been cultivated.
41:29First, though, I had to get to grips with the fearsomely complicated seed drill,
41:34which turned out to be neither red nor orange.
41:39So as we go along, there were nine of these on the...
41:41Yeah.
41:42That splits, it creates a little mound.
41:44That's it, yeah.
41:45And then the seed comes down here, two seeds.
41:48One goes to the left-hand side.
41:50That's it.
41:50And one goes to the right and is planted...
41:53Like that.
41:54A couple of inches down.
41:55Yeah, apart, yeah.
41:56It's machine-gunning the ground.
41:58Yeah.
41:59With goodness and nutrients.
42:02A lot to take in, so are you listening?
42:04Are you ready?
42:05Yeah.
42:06Yeah?
42:06Main menu.
42:07Yeah.
42:07Right.
42:08Yeah, so our rate, we're going on at 220 per kg per hectare.
42:14This is your fan speed, all right?
42:16So in a minute, when I turn the fan on, that's going to come with a number.
42:18You want it running about 4,000.
42:20This is your trams.
42:22So every eighth time you pick it up, it's going to put a tram line in.
42:26So we're off the tram line.
42:28So what do you mean we're off the tram line?
42:29So, right, we're starting a field.
42:32From last field, we're set out at eight.
42:34So this field is a new field.
42:35Eight tram line.
42:37So what that means...
42:37Caleb, I've lost complete...
42:39I don't know what you were doing 30 seconds ago.
42:42Right.
42:42I reckon you could drop a cruise missile on Damascus more easily
42:47than you could get that drill to plant some seeds along there.
42:53After baffling me for a bit longer, Caleb and I switched seats
42:57and we got cracking.
42:59Here we go.
43:00And drilling.
43:04Drilling an uncultivated field like this would mean less yield
43:08and therefore less profit at the end of the year.
43:12But for complicated reasons to do with carbon in the soil,
43:16it is kinder to the environment.
43:20Greta Thunberg likes this.
43:22Yeah.
43:23I don't know who that is, but yeah.
43:25Keep going, keep going, keep going.
43:28It'll be dead straight.
43:29Because when you start growing, you're going to have lines like this
43:32if you're not careful.
43:33And people driving up and down the main road will see it.
43:36Exactly.
43:37But I'm just going to have a big sign at the end of it saying Caleb did this.
43:41Whoa!
43:43You missed a bit.
43:45Where?
43:45In the mirror.
43:47No, I didn't.
43:48You did.
43:49Well, they're not going to see that from the main road, are they?
43:51Most probably. Everyone will pick up on everything.
43:54Guarantee, if you make a cock-up in the middle of nowhere,
43:56someone's going to see it.
43:58They'll go into the pub and go,
43:59you see that bit he missed over in coordinates of this, this, this?
44:04They will. They'll get the coordinates off that place
44:06and they'll tell everyone.
44:08I do it.
44:10Once he thought I'd got the hang of it,
44:13Caleb went off to look after his own farming stuff,
44:16leaving me all alone.
44:20I'm so low, so low drilling.
44:29So, Jeremy's out drilling, which is actually one of the most complicated parts of getting crops established.
44:36So, what he's doing is going up and down the field,
44:39so the seed is being planted in rows behind the seed drill.
44:46And then the drill will shut off.
44:51It will leave two undrilled sections, which are called tramlines.
44:58We use those tramlines as a guide so that when the sprayer goes up between them,
45:04we're putting on the right amount of spray,
45:06putting on the right amount of fertiliser,
45:08and hence, it's all mathematically laid out.
45:12So, it's a pretty critical part of the operation.
45:17Oh, shit. Oh, wrong button, that's the problem.
45:20There it is, and there we are.
45:23A lot more complicated than cultivating, this is.
45:26A lot more.
45:31Soon, I wanted to sit in the sun, having another picnic.
45:36But I was beginning to understand that in farming,
45:39you really do have to make hay while the sun shines.
45:45How many more ups and downs have I got to do in this field,
45:48and will I get it done before the sun set?
45:51What have we got?
45:52One, two.
45:54About 30 more, perhaps?
45:57Yeah. If I'm going to do 30 more ups and downs,
45:59and it's now a quarter to five,
46:02I'm going to be doing this with my headlights on.
46:05In order to speed things up,
46:07I once again decided to replace the annoying three-point turns
46:13with my much faster sweeping manoeuvre.
46:18And...
46:19Here we go.
46:21Yes, look at that.
46:25It's just me and my drill and my Lamborghini.
46:35Dropping.
46:37Dropping.
46:38And...
46:38Seeding.
46:41What a beautiful evening.
46:42In the Cosmos.
46:46However, when Caleb came back,
46:48the evening mood took a bit of a downturn.
46:51What have you been doing?
46:53What?
46:55What do you mean?
46:56What have you been doing?
46:57Going up and down.
46:59Going up and down like this?
47:00No.
47:01I went up and then went across like that.
47:03What did I say at the start?
47:05You said, don't do that, but I couldn't see why.
47:08Oh, that sign of me going up there is not happening.
47:11We're going to have a sign saying,
47:12guess who drilled this?
47:15Jeremy Caleb.
47:16Well, what's the matter with that?
47:17I said, every eighth time, you're putting a tramline in.
47:21Your tramline's going to be everywhere.
47:22Down here, you're going to have tramline, tramline, tramline, tramline, tramline,
47:25every three metres.
47:27On this bit here, you're going to have no tramlines.
47:29When I come to spray it and fertilise it, how do I know where to drive?
47:35Guess.
47:36I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing in there.
47:39I'll do it properly now, or is it too late?
47:41Oh, it's too late. You're pretty much screwed.
47:44And you haven't even drilled it straight.
47:46What do you mean I haven't drilled it straight?
47:50That's as straight as a roundabout!
47:53Well, it's because it started off bent there by the head, so it's still bent here.
47:58It wasn't that bent, though, was it?
47:59I didn't know about the eighth thing.
48:01You didn't say, you must do that because if you don't...
48:04I did tell you that.
48:05I couldn't understand what you were on about. It was country speaking.
48:08Everyone is going to see this.
48:11That's a main road there.
48:12Yes, I know, but I've learned my lesson now. I want to do it again.
48:16Have you not seen TV episodes and stuff like that?
48:18Are people drilling? Are we going up and down?
48:20No, I haven't watched that.
48:23I'll buy you a drink later and you'll feel better.
48:28I'm in so much trouble.
48:40The next day, there was even more trouble.
48:43Most of the oilseed rape fields planted earlier by the previous farmer were fine.
48:49We've got a nice array of rape, which has come up really well.
48:53But in one...
48:54Why isn't it growing?
48:57The flea beetle got hold of it.
48:59So...
49:00What?
49:00Where is the...
49:02Further up there?
49:03No, sorry.
49:05This has been planted.
49:06This has been planted.
49:07Well, where's the rape not?
49:08Well, it's failed.
49:10It's gone.
49:11We might find the odd plant in the middle, but I'll show you what's happened.
49:14The whole field's failed.
49:15Yeah, just the little black beetle have come in and they've just foraged it.
49:20The whole bloody lot?
49:21Yeah.
49:22All four hectares.
49:23Ten acres of it.
49:26You know, there comes a point...
49:28Most...
49:28That, you know...
49:30There is no...
49:30There's...
49:31I just...
49:33Well, this is a beetle.
49:34Yeah.
49:36Well, why can't we kill it?
49:38Well, neonicotinoids are, you know, seed coatings were banned in Europe.
49:42Well, so we can't use them.
49:43We can't use them.
49:43I mean, this is...
49:44How many...
49:45What's the typical yield?
49:46So there's about 12 tonnes.
49:47So there's, um...
49:48There's about £4,000 worth of loss.
49:51£4,000?
49:52Yeah.
49:53Just gone because of the beetle?
49:54Just gone, yeah.
49:55And the EU won't let...
49:56Won't let me kill the beetle?
49:57Well, you know, we've just got to work within the rules.
50:00We are working within the rules and an entire field is dead.
50:04Yeah.
50:10I figured as I climbed back on my tractor that things couldn't get any worse.
50:16But I was wrong.
50:18Very wrong.
50:22The next day, it started to rain again.
50:25And this time, it didn't really stop for the next six weeks.
50:35Across the country, warnings remain in place for severe weather.
50:40Risk of flooding, risk of transport disruption.
50:44Torrential rain, a month's worth in a day.
50:47The wind here is at its highest level since records began.
50:50Clearly unprecedented.
50:52The Met Office says presents a danger to life.
50:56And caused havoc not seen for almost a century.
51:02For British farmers, the autumn of 2019 was Armageddon.
51:09My farm is 700 feet above sea level and the brashy soil drains well.
51:14But even it had become a quagmire.
51:20And planting seeds in ground like this is impossible.
51:30I used to whirl away my evening hours reading car magazines, but not anymore.
51:35Nowadays, it's Farmers Weekly and it's Farmers Guardian and all they're talking about is the rain.
51:41The unbelievable levels of rain that we've been having.
51:44Look, deluge disaster. Biblical.
51:46And inside, that's the only topic of conversation as far as I can work out.
51:51That's all there is. Just rain, rain, rain, rain, rain, rain, rain, rain.
51:55Farms sacrificed to protect homes from rising flood water.
51:59Worst autumn leaves, winter crops undrilled.
52:01This poor guy hasn't planted a single thing.
52:04Can't plant anything. It's too wet.
52:08Look at that poor sod.
52:10Look at that for a farmer. What's he gonna do?
52:14Everyone is saying to me,
52:16you couldn't have picked a worse year to start farming.
52:21You couldn't. This is unbelievable weather.
52:23Unbelievable.
52:28Oh, God.
52:40Have you looked after sheep before?
52:43No.
52:44Here they come!
52:45No, no, no, no, no!
52:55The End
52:57And I'll help you.
53:06The End
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