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Taskmaster - S16E10 - The Final - Always Forks and Marbles [Full Movie] [Full Storyline]Full EP - Full
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00:33Hello!
00:35Hello, everyone!
00:37I'm Greg Davies.
00:40And I would like to welcome you to the Taskmaster Grand Final!
00:52This is where we finally sort the wheat from the chaff.
00:56The culmination of ten weeks of fundamentally pointless activity pops its cork right here, right now.
01:03At the end of this episode, one of our fearless five will be able to hold aloft my gilded dome
01:07and scream like a feral wolf into the night sky.
01:10My parents may well have thought my chosen career path was disappointing given the opportunities I was afforded in life.
01:17But no one, no one can take this from me!
01:21Please give them a huge round of applause for the final time.
01:24They are Julian Clary!
01:26.
01:27.
01:27.
01:27.
01:28.
01:29.
01:29.
01:29.
01:29.
01:29.
01:30.
01:30.
01:31.
01:31.
01:32.
01:33.
01:33.
01:33.
01:33.
01:34.
01:37And now for a man who once confided in me that he considered Welsh people
01:42to only be suited to menial work.
01:45LAUGHTER
01:46It's the man at home!
01:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:55Hello there.
01:56Oh, I'm so excited. It's the live final.
01:58Oh, it is. Are you excited?
01:59Well, I am, cos it's live.
02:00The first ever live edition of Taskmaster.
02:04Anything could happen.
02:06OK.
02:07Cos we're live on Channel 4.
02:08Yeah, we're not.
02:09Ooh, we're live, look.
02:11Look at the watch just after 9pm.
02:13So it must be live.
02:14Yeah, you've changed your watch.
02:15You can't change a watch, Greg.
02:17Oh, I'll send a tweet right now.
02:20Huh.
02:20So look at your phones.
02:23LAUGHTER
02:24We've just got that.
02:25If you're watching the show, go to your windows
02:27and I want you to shout...
02:29LAUGHTER
02:30What's the weather like?
02:32Mild.
02:33It's mild?
02:35LAUGHTER
02:36How would I know it's mild?
02:37Yeah, God, it doesn't sound like two people
02:39planted in the same room as us.
02:41LAUGHTER
02:42Right, it's time to find out what the final prize task category is.
02:46The final category is the thing that, when you turn it round,
02:50gives you the biggest shock.
02:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:54Five points for the most shocking thing when turned around.
02:57And at the end of the show,
02:58the overall winner will take them all home.
03:00What a shocking turnaround.
03:02LAUGHTER
03:02That's comedy C.
03:05LAUGHTER
03:05And what's the thing that you've brought in,
03:08that when you turn around will give me a shock?
03:10Well, let's see the thing from the first position.
03:13Pre-turn round.
03:14Pre-turn round.
03:15LAUGHTER
03:15Uh-oh.
03:17LAUGHTER
03:17Let's turn it round.
03:18What could be there?
03:19Here we go.
03:22LAUGHTER
03:30Why are you smooth in the back?
03:32LAUGHTER
03:34I do sort of rub, I guess I rub...
03:37I rub around a bit.
03:40I rub more in the back than the front.
03:43Fidgeting, well, otter a man down.
03:45LAUGHTER
03:47Sam.
03:48Yes.
03:48Right?
03:49I'm good.
03:49Have you done something different with your...?
03:51It was all a bit grey.
03:54LAUGHTER
03:56What thing have you brought in,
03:58that when you turn it round will shock me?
04:00A baby.
04:02LAUGHTER
04:03So, here's the baby from the back.
04:07Oh, oh.
04:08Look at it.
04:10Look at it.
04:12LAUGHTER
04:13No way!
04:16You can't be serious!
04:18LAUGHTER
04:18Jesus Christ.
04:21LAUGHTER
04:22I mean, I'm not that shocked,
04:23because I knew it would be something like that.
04:26LAUGHTER
04:26Susan?
04:28Er, my prize is some vanilla ice cream.
04:31And I actually have it here for you, Greg.
04:34OK.
04:36Is it something horrible, though?
04:38Um...
04:40LAUGHTER
04:41LAUGHTER
04:42It's made out of human breast milk.
04:45LAUGHTER
04:47Now, would you turn the label round?
04:50And that's the ingredients.
04:52Yeah.
04:52Make sure of anus secretions and urine of beavers.
04:55Yeah, it's a standard ingredient in vanilla ice cream,
04:58castorium.
04:58Are you serious?
04:59I'm serious.
05:00LAUGHTER
05:01They've all got beaver pests in there.
05:03LAUGHTER
05:04Not all of them, but that one, yes.
05:05It's normally categorised under natural ingredients,
05:08so you won't know that you're sucking on some secretion of beaver.
05:12LAUGHTER
05:12Well, where are all these beavers?
05:15LAUGHTER
05:17LAUGHTER
05:18LAUGHTER
05:20LAUGHTER
05:20LAUGHTER
05:20OK, yeah, that's genuinely horrific. Thank you.
05:24Julian, what have you brought in?
05:25It's an urn containing the, erm, ashes of a friend of mine.
05:31LAUGHTER
05:32It's a first for the show.
05:34So here's the urn from the front.
05:37Turn the urn!
05:39LAUGHTER
05:41So, let me explain.
05:43Please!
05:44I was on tour in Norwich and I saw this in a shop window
05:48and I really liked it.
05:49So I bought it and then, a week later, my friend died.
05:53And that was his favourite word.
05:54And this is his favourite programme, so I thought he'd love to appear on this show.
05:58Awww!
06:01Well, you're clearly going to win.
06:03LAUGHTER
06:06Because the idea that you might make, genuinely might make me feel moved
06:10with an urn that's got shit to it.
06:12LAUGHTER
06:14You're doing very well, Julian.
06:16Hi, Lucy.
06:17Erm, it's a lamp.
06:19So, my daughter had a hair braid
06:21and then it sparked a memory.
06:23My mum was at our house and I said,
06:25well, I used to have one of them.
06:27Cos, like, I untaffled my daughters when she didn't want it in
06:30and I said...
06:31Er...
06:31I'm fairly sure untaffled isn't a word.
06:35What?
06:37Untaffled.
06:37Are you joking me?
06:39Your search did not match any documents.
06:40Did you mean unruffled, unmuffled, unravelled or unbaffled?
06:43No!
06:43OK.
06:45LAUGHTER
06:46I'll tell you what, the people are screaming at the TV now.
06:49Well, we can listen.
06:50Fuck them.
06:55APPLAUSE
06:59Bad play to the boy.
07:02OK, you were untaffling, I think.
07:04So, I untaffled it, but my mum, I said,
07:06you just cut mine out of my hair.
07:09And she said, yeah, I know.
07:10And she said, I've still got it.
07:12Have you never noticed?
07:14It's the light pulley for the downstairs toilet.
07:17LAUGHTER
07:18And it's on this lamp here.
07:22But has it shocked you?
07:24Yeah, I don't know why I find it so unsettling.
07:27Jesus Christ.
07:28Do you need a second?
07:29Are you all right?
07:29Well, we're live, aren't we, sir?
07:33Speed through it, if I can.
07:35Honestly, I knew it was going to be its horrible bottom.
07:37One point to Sue Perkins.
07:39I mean, I am shocked by Sam's baby, but I'm not shocked,
07:42because Sam's put something like that in every week.
07:45OK.
07:46Two points to Sam.
07:47I'll give three points to you, Susan.
07:50Four points inexplicably for that braid.
07:52It's unsettled to me.
07:53LAUGHTER
07:53And five points because he pulled a sweet story
07:56out of one of the darkest things ever to appear on the show.
07:59LAUGHTER
08:00APPLAUSE
08:05OK.
08:05What's next, Alex?
08:07OK.
08:07Well, we're sticking with the shocking theme, Greg,
08:10and combining it with one of your five a day.
08:19MUSIC PLAYS
08:25Hello.
08:26Hello, Julian.
08:27I like a sitting-down task.
08:30LAUGHTER
08:30Oh, wow.
08:32I love donuts.
08:34Do something shocking, but family-friendly with this doughnut.
08:38Do something shocking, but family-friendly with this doughnut.
08:43Oh, cos, I mean, obviously you would want to put it on a penis,
08:46wouldn't you?
08:47LAUGHTER
08:48The most shocking doughnut deed wins.
08:51You've got 15 minutes.
08:53All right.
08:54And what did your time do?
08:56Oh, yes.
08:57The time starts now.
08:58Um, yeah.
09:00Nothing going through my head is family-friendly.
09:03Oh, really?
09:04One idea.
09:06What if I, like, tried to marry it or something?
09:08You're just like, that's crazy.
09:11What did my child find shocking?
09:13Anything to do with feces she finds shocking.
09:17Can't do that.
09:18Put a poo through it.
09:20LAUGHTER
09:22No, every single thing is filthy.
09:26No, it's filthy. It's filthy.
09:27LAUGHTER
09:30That's filthy.
09:31Hadn't it been a jam donut then, there could have been all kinds of,
09:34you know, slight filth.
09:37LAUGHTER
09:37I've thought for something.
09:38Is it family-friendly?
09:41Well, my family wouldn't mind.
09:44LAUGHTER
09:46APPLAUSE
09:49I think Lucy spoke for the nation, really,
09:51by voicing the first thing that we all think of,
09:53which is to pop it on a penis.
09:55Yes.
09:55I agree on that, but I'm intrigued, Susan,
09:57that you thought of at least three more filthy things internally.
10:01Yeah.
10:01Do you want to share any of them?
10:03Oh, really?
10:03Just one.
10:05Um, bite it apart and then shove the rest up your arse.
10:10LAUGHTER
10:15That's the number two thing you've got to do.
10:18OK, thanks, Susan.
10:19Yeah, of course.
10:20Let's crack on.
10:21OK, we're going to begin with Lucy and Sam.
10:27What do you find more shocking and saucy out of these two?
10:30It's got to be red.
10:31Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:45Are you hungry, baby bird?
10:48Ah!
10:50Yes, I am quite hungry, actually.
10:51Ooh!
10:53I'm going to get you something to eat.
10:56OK.
10:57Ah!
10:59How does that grab you?
11:01I'm quite excited.
11:03Really?
11:04I know you're a married man, but...
11:07Ah!
11:09Ah!
11:12Ah!
11:14Ah!
11:15Ah!
11:15Ah!
11:29Go home, dog!
11:35Wow.
11:36Ah!
11:36Help me!
11:51Little baby is doing it a bit faster than this!
12:16Oh
12:17Oh
12:21She's very high up close to the heavens you finished let's go back inside
12:52Oh
12:54My god we all knew as soon as you came out as a bird I went on
13:00No
13:02Because if you ask Alex eat anything he always says yes we were at a wedding together once I made
13:07him eat a whole pot of butter
13:10I'm not the one who gobbled a beaver's anal gland
13:18Genuinely absolutely disgusting
13:21I mean Richard Attenborough and Frank David
13:32I
13:33Don't know
13:35Yeah, it's not really that complicated so I created a small bikini clad don't know I know that
13:41Come I guess a femme fatale. Yeah
13:45She was feasted upon by this bird
13:47We can't give you credit for the bird that happened to come along that was nature it was part of
13:52his plan
13:52We're not allowed to work with nature
13:56Yeah
13:56Yeah, pretty good documentary they had all those foxes
14:06Okay, you know if you cook tonight someone else makes the teas if you went to work today someone else
14:13makes the teas
14:13I'm saying if you're a child who gets to go to school and talk about tick-tock and Taylor Swift
14:18or whatever you make the bloody tees
14:20They're parasites children of parasites
14:31I
14:34This is part two of our grand final and we're in a state of shock and awe
14:44See he's absolutely right yes the finalists are all trying to do the most shocking yet
14:49Family-friendly thing with a doughnut and next it's Sue Perkins
15:06Prepare to face the doughnut of doom excuse the American spelling
15:11Are you ready?
15:23Shocking!
15:26Okay, this is it
15:43Listen I know some element of the surprise is gone now. You've got four minutes left Sue. We'll do it
15:56Yes!
15:57Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
16:08Well, I think the studio audience would have a good long think about what they just cheered there
16:14It might be the least shocking thing I've ever seen
16:18The shocking thing is actually managed to hit him once
16:24Who's next please?
16:25Well, here are Julian and Susan
16:27Okay
16:28Could you come over here please?
16:30Right, yes of course
16:31I'd like you to kneel down here
16:33Right
16:33Yes
16:58Coffee?
16:58Coffee?
16:59Hmm-hmm
17:02CLASHING
17:03CLASHING
17:06CLASHING
17:06CLASHING
17:09Oh, chili sauce?
17:14Oh ketchum
17:23Oh... ketchup
17:24Oh!
17:49It's all in the drink.
17:55HE SIGHS
17:57HE SIGHS
18:03HE SIGHS
18:08Good luck.
18:09HE SIGHS
18:13HE SIGHS
18:14HE SIGHS
18:18So done.
18:20HE SIGHS
18:22HE SIGHS
18:27Family friendly?
18:28We should probably encourage people not to do it too often at home.
18:31OK.
18:31Yeah, thanks, Julian.
18:32Good luck to you and your family.
18:42HE SIGHS
18:43Susan, it's a first. Congratulations.
18:45You made me wretch on Tasmania.
18:47I actually gipped.
18:48We were all expecting there to be a point to it, but...
18:51LAUGHTER
18:52I was there and things were coming out that hadn't gone in.
18:56LAUGHTER
18:58APPLAUSE
18:59But I tell you, the look on everybody's faces was like the high point of Taskmaster for me as I
19:04did that.
19:05Like that, Dane, that's the thing she's enjoyed most.
19:07LAUGHTER
19:09Um, Julian. I was not expecting that.
19:12No, I wasn't really knowing if I would follow through, as it were.
19:17LAUGHTER
19:18But once it started, he was going to get it.
19:22LAUGHTER
19:22All right, here's some points.
19:25Guess who only gets one point?
19:26Give it to me, Uncle Greg!
19:30One point to Sue.
19:31I don't know, Sam.
19:32Come on, Grunko.
19:35LAUGHTER
19:35Just give him three points.
19:37Three to Sam.
19:38Um, I think that both Susan and Julian are disgusting.
19:42I'm giving him four points, but if a woman regurgitates a doughnut into a man's mouth, she takes five points.
19:49Always.
19:50APPLAUSE
19:52OK.
19:54Can I have a scoreboard, please?
19:56Oh, dear.
19:56Julian and Lucy both have nine points.
19:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:02Right.
20:03On with the next.
20:05Yes, sir.
20:06And it's time for P.E.
20:09MUSIC
20:25There you are.
20:26What can it be?
20:27I thought we were going to be trampolining, but that was wrong, wasn't it?
20:30I'm sorry, you're not trampolining.
20:32It's very good for your liver.
20:33Is it?
20:34Yes, shakes it all up, gets the toxins out.
20:36Oh, for goodness sake.
20:38Demonstrate the most effective high-intensity four-part exercise routine.
20:43Each of your four exercises must be original and must take place on this mat.
20:48The first must last eight seconds, the second far.
20:54The third two and the fourth one second long.
20:58Also, each move must start with a whoops and yeah is how it ends.
21:03Each move must start with a yeah.
21:06And end with a scream.
21:08Must start with a scream and end with a gasp.
21:12Must start with a gasp and end with an ah.
21:16Must start with an ah and end with a whoops.
21:19I think most things I do, do is that.
21:22You have a maximum of 15 minutes.
21:25Your time starts now.
21:27When I think exercise, I think exorcism.
21:31So when you think exercise, you think of a different word.
21:33Yeah.
21:35I'm guessing this is just for fuel, just a bit of like ah.
21:39Yes, hydration.
21:40Yeah.
21:41Just because I want to increase my body temperature, I think let's gaffer me up real good.
21:48So you've got to be speaking in tongues.
21:50Could you give me a little demonstration of that?
22:02Well its a stage now Sam.
22:04Well I'm not even surprised anymore.
22:06We know each other.
22:08We, we do know each other.
22:09Yeah.
22:11Um, but do you know what phrase I want to take us into the break?
22:14It's gaffer me up real good.
22:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
22:30Hello! Welcome back to our final.
22:35I think it's about time we had a decent workout, Alex.
22:38Yes, time to see their exercise routines.
22:40Let's go to the gym.
22:41Ah!
22:53You ain't know, but I wouldn't even ask you so.
22:57May the power of Christ control you.
23:02Ah!
23:11Oops!
23:15Can I keep the hydration?
23:20Yeah!
23:21Yeah!
23:22Oh!
23:28Oh!
23:28Oh!
23:30Ah!
23:38May the power of Christ compel you.
23:42Ah!
23:42Ah!
23:47Whoops!
23:52Yeah!
23:59Ah!
24:03May the power of Christ compel you.
24:05Ah!
24:08Whoops!
24:11Yeah!
24:14Ah!
24:16Ah!
24:21Whoops!
24:22Yeah!
24:25Ah!
24:35So, I think you only did one exercise.
24:39Let me tell you what was going on there, all right?
24:41Yeah.
24:42Hot yoga.
24:43It's a thing.
24:43Is that why you gathered yourself up real good, for hot yoga reasons?
24:47Of course!
24:48My kidneys were on.
24:50Kidneys!
24:51Wow!
24:52You were so over-hot, you started pronouncing the name of organs again.
24:56Tell that to my live ear.
25:01Lucy, what exercises were there within yours?
25:04There was head football.
25:06You did call it head football, yeah.
25:08Head intensity.
25:09One of those birds from the 70s.
25:11What, like, that go on top of the pops?
25:13Yeah, on top of the pops.
25:17Susan, you lost me a little bit when you were rolling those little dumbbells on the floor.
25:22Ah, no, and that does look deceptive, but it's to help get hench, er, wrists.
25:29You're getting nice and thick.
25:31Julian, my observation is, none of them involved you doing very much work.
25:37Oh, no, there was pelvic floor.
25:39Mm-hm.
25:40Do you want me to tell you what you called them?
25:41Yes.
25:42Well, the first one, you called it stirrups.
25:44The third was called the flying homosexual.
25:48The fourth was called horsey hamstrings.
25:51Remember the second one was called the one where you were punching me with your feet?
25:53Punch the...
25:54LAUGHTER
25:57APPLAUSE
26:03And...
26:04To the eternal quandary.
26:07What I'll need you to do is to justify how you exercising Alex exercised you.
26:14We had to get rid of his de-hevens.
26:17LAUGHTER
26:20Well, we'll just flip around the last two, I was exercising him.
26:23He was upside down the last one.
26:24Oh, yeah.
26:25Right, I'll just score them.
26:27I can't separate Sue, Susan and Lucy, I don't think.
26:33I don't think I deserve that many.
26:35All right, great.
26:36LAUGHTER
26:38So, if I give Lucy two points...
26:40LAUGHTER
26:41..I'll give the Susans three.
26:43I think there was a variety in the weird exorcism.
26:46I'm going to give him four points.
26:47With Julian, I think there were four distinct exercises.
26:50I'll give him five points.
26:51There we go.
26:54Do we have something special lined up for our last task, Alex?
26:59Oh, we certainly do, Greg.
27:00And for the very first time, I'd like to welcome everybody to the Taskmaster Hotel.
27:04MUSIC PLAYS
27:24Oh!
27:28Sue, Susa, should we put these on?
27:31Yeah.
27:31Come on.
27:32Get confused.
27:33OK.
27:35Alex isn't here.
27:36Oh, I've got keys.
27:37It's very exciting.
27:38I've got some reservations.
27:39Oh, we're busy.
27:40Brian O'Yoghurt is in room one, which is good.
27:43That's good.
27:44So...
27:44Do you want me to?
27:46Yeah.
27:48Give your guest the best service.
27:51He has 30 minutes.
27:53His time starts now.
27:55His time starts now?
27:56Who's our guest?
27:57Shall we go find Alex?
27:59Shall we go find a mannequin?
28:00Guest?
28:01Is he going to come in?
28:01Normally they...
28:04Ah, good evening.
28:06Hi.
28:06Can I check in, please?
28:08Bonjour.
28:09Hello.
28:09The Avenue, our hotel Taskmaster.
28:11APPLAUSE
28:15Um, I know what you two are going to be like playing together as hotel managers right up your street.
28:23I wouldn't be surprised if you opened the B&B, honestly.
28:26And the other group, I imagine it's a case of Uncle Julian managing the two lunatics.
28:33LAUGHTER
28:34OK, so first up, let's see how Susan and Sue do at being hoteliers.
28:40I've booked a room, so if I could check in, that'd be great.
28:42Yeah.
28:43Are you Mr. Brian O'Yoghurt?
28:45Why do you think I'm Mr. Brian O'Yoghurt?
28:46Well, I don't think that, but we just had a...
28:48That's our mistake, sir.
28:49What is your name, sir?
28:50Chris.
28:51Chris.
28:51What's your surname?
28:52Tuff Wix's.
28:53OK.
28:53How do you spell that?
28:54T-U-B-W-X-Y-Z.
28:58Tuff Wix's.
29:00How do you spell cross?
29:01Q-R-S.
29:01Oh, no, we have it here.
29:02Here we have.
29:03Room 13.
29:04Room 13.
29:07OK.
29:09And here is your room.
29:11Room 13.
29:11Great.
29:12We'll just bring your backs in as well.
29:13Lovely.
29:14Thank you very much.
29:15Thank you so much.
29:17OK.
29:18You've worked in the hospitality industry.
29:20I have.
29:20Yeah.
29:21Extraordinary.
29:22I think he's going to ring us.
29:23That's what I think.
29:25Check, check, check.
29:26There's these different rooms, right?
29:27These are different rooms.
29:28Yeah.
29:29Shall we ring and see if he's OK?
29:31No, no, no.
29:32That's oppressive.
29:33Well done.
29:35Hello, Tuff Wix's.
29:36Sue speaking.
29:37Oh, hello, Sue.
29:37It's Chris.
29:38Tuff Wix is in room 13.
29:40I was hoping to order some room service, if that's all right.
29:42Absolutely.
29:43Have you got the menu?
29:44Do you know what you'd like?
29:45It's a hot cucumber sandwich and a glass of milk.
29:48Bye-bye.
29:49Cucumbers serve between two warm slices of bread.
29:52Okay.
29:53Got you.
29:53Got you.
29:54Do you think you'd like butter?
29:55Ooh.
29:56Hi.
29:59Hello, Taskmaster Hotel.
30:01How may I help you?
30:01When I booked, I asked for a room with a view and all I can see is a hedge.
30:06I would love a better room.
30:08I can double check and see whether room 20 is free.
30:11That's a much nicer view, I think.
30:14Well, that would have been nice to have been in that to begin with, if I'm honest.
30:16I'm ever so sorry, sir.
30:17Okay.
30:17I have been waiting for quite some time for the food, so...
30:20Hi.
30:21I prefer Alex.
30:22Okay.
30:30I prefer Alex.
30:31I prefer Alex.
30:59Hi, sir.
31:00Don't worry.
31:15Hi.
31:20Who does help me out.
31:20He wants to eat.
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