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Taskmaster - S18E03 - The Gangsters of the Sea [Full Movie] [Vertical Drama]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:16I
00:16Know you
00:30I
00:36Welcome to taskmaster the olympics for funny people and like elite athletes
00:41Archimedes have been in training for this their whole careers and similarly one slip-up could see them never compete
00:48again
00:48Lose their homes and end up singing sweet Caroline in a high street having drunk a pint of plant feed
00:54they stole from a garden center
00:56The stakes are high and the rewards are low
01:01Let's meet them now, please welcome Andy's
01:05Goldsmith
01:21Next to me a man who secretly confided in me that he doesn't think community liaison officers are real police
01:29Challenges any of them who meet him to kick him hard
01:44Okay, let's begin yes, and what a way to begin because the prize category this week is the object with
01:51the most soul
01:54Okay, I
01:55Know oh indeed as a guy in a band I get a lot of people stopping me and saying you
02:00are
02:01soul
02:02But it's not about me. It's about Greg
02:05Giving maximum points to the object with the most soul all right, Rosie. Should we start with you?
02:10No
02:13It was rhetorical
02:15It's we are starting with you
02:17All right, what I brought to make me more soulful is a saxophone
02:28Yes, it is
02:30Can I play a saxophone?
02:35No
02:36Can I carry around a saxophone?
02:43Yes
02:44Yeah
02:45No
02:45No
02:46No
02:50That is going to score badly
02:56What's your favourite saxophone song?
03:01If you can give me one then I'm Mike's is it not putting you at the bottom?
03:14Oh
03:20You bought something in that has the most soul I've brought in a Furby Oh
03:33If anybody remembers what furbies would get up to but basically they're kind of
03:40And they start off like that then as time goes on they start to learn from you and eventually they're
03:46able to say I love you
03:51Also it opens it little be it with a little tongue
03:56And you put your finger in and it's like love that. Oh la la la soul
04:00My finger in your mouth you wouldn't mind it and that's so I
04:07Like a Furby as much as the next person, okay, but you think that a plastic
04:12Fur based toy going dib-dub-dub-dub is sold
04:16I'm not gonna be able to convince you of this. I just know it to be my truth
04:25She's good she's good
04:28Yeah, what have you brought in I bought James Brown in
04:33Technically not not actually James Brown, but I have brought in an effigy of James Brown, which is all singing
04:39all dancing
04:39Um the budget on this show won't allow us to hear him singing. So if I did it without the
04:45tune. Oh, I feel good
04:52I feel good
04:52We're not allowed to say lyrics either
04:55Oh, I feel good
04:58There you go
05:00Are you ready to see the godfather of soul? I am here. Yes. Here we go
05:05He goes oh, I feel wood. Oh, I feel wood
05:18Jesus Christ this is gonna be a low-scoring right Andy. Yes, what soulful thing have you brought? I brought
05:24a shoe
05:25Ready to see
05:29Obviously a shoe has a soul, but the soles of the shoes are Dover soles
05:37There's a speaker in the lower of the two shoes it's programmed to play only
05:41Soul music the likes of James Brown and Aretha Franklin Bananarama
05:47Yeah, there's a picture of the Sun in Spain or
05:51soul
05:54I'm sorry, I'm not finished yet Greg
05:58So harnessing the power of the occult as a wizard I also
06:03Fixed into the shoes the soul of your late great great great uncle Brian
06:10Do you know what I'm taking up? I mean it says something is the best yet
06:14Who's next father? I brought in a Nigerian talking drum
06:18You see how they make this is quite mythical right what they do once they build it
06:23They put it in the streets of Lagos or whatever town in Nigeria and what it does
06:28They believe it absorbs the language of the people as they're in the streets talking
06:33So when you hit it, it sounds like the language being spoken so I tried this out tried it out
06:39I live in Stevenage and I
06:44The capital of soul yeah, I put it outside I hit it and it literally said you prick and so
06:53That's the most soulful thing in this whole line-up right now the Nigerian talking drum
07:05people
07:05I hope the rest of you are ashamed to yourself
07:09Let's go move on what is the least soulful? What do you think?
07:15Yeah, of course
07:16One point
07:17Okay, I'll give Emma two points for daring to suggest as any soul in a Furby
07:23Jack at least he chose the godfather of soul, but then he had him behead himself on television
07:31Three points on it Andy made an effort sure it's a series of awful puns around the world
07:37So we know that sure he's dressed as a wizard for no reason
07:41And he gets four points and the only person who actually bought anything of any consequence in is Baba, so
07:47he gets five these are my judgements
07:55Time shall we begin Alex? Yes, Greg commence countdown
08:17Oh
08:18Hey, Baba
08:20Emma, you all right?
08:22Let's bring back some memories. Good ones
08:28Terrifying
08:29Is that being operated manually or is it a
08:33machine?
08:34It shouldn't be happening. It's a warning system. Oh, right. Okay. It's a warning system. Yeah. Yeah, okay
08:39Not yet. Okay. No, sorry
08:43Five four three two one zero
09:04It was meant to fire off. Oh unlucky, bro
09:09Put a rocket in your pocket
09:12Fastest wins your time starts now
09:15That's not a rocket. I'm so sorry
09:17That's just a tube your time starts now. That's not a rocket unfortunately. That's just a tube
09:24I'm so sorry
09:27But what are the asterisk
09:31There's an asterisk is there?
09:33There are two
09:34What them two stars mean? Yeah, they're both asterisks. Okay
09:42Double star dot
09:45I'll just ignore that the font. Is this the rocket this red bit? No none of those bits of rockets.
09:50So where's the rocket?
09:52Yes
09:53What do you mean? Yes
09:54Where is the rocket?
09:59Yes
10:00No, no. Where?
10:03Yes
10:04APPLAUSE
10:10Baba, I might be suggesting here that you don't know what a rocket is
10:14I know what rocket is
10:16I see it like with the space people they do that. That's a rocket, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Sorry. I
10:21didn't realize you had a degree
10:25Listen, Greg, we still we gotta go outside after this bro. Like I mean
10:30Oh, you're physically threatening me
10:35I can't say it's the first person who's ever offered me out for a fight
10:38In all these series and I've got to tell you Baba it was exhilarating
10:44Okay, let's crack up first to recce for rockets it is Baba
10:52Is there a rocket here that's the question? Oh
10:56Oh
10:57Listen, I got two children. Yeah, I got time for this. Where's the rocket? Where's the rocket?
11:04We're not gonna do this. We're not gonna do this
11:06Right
11:18Let's go. Look. A rocket
11:21That's not a rocket. That's like a telescope thing in a jig. Anything under here?
11:26Oh
11:26Oh, that's half a rocket
11:30What onto something?
11:33What's that? What's that?
11:36What's that?
11:38That's a full rocket
11:42I've got a rocket in my pocket. Yes, you have
11:46There was the rocket
11:48It was in the
11:50This is an orca. This is an orca's mouth
11:52It was in the orca's mouth
11:53Let's say killer world because that sounds gangster
11:56It was in the killer world's mouth
12:05The man knows exactly what a rocket is
12:07He found it quickly and he labelled the orcas the gangsters of the sea
12:14Absolute textbook
12:15I told you I know what a rocket is, but
12:17Yeah, I know. You didn't believe in me, but you've seen that
12:19I've learned that now and now I believe
12:22There's no need for it to come to blow
12:23Yeah
12:25Who is next? Next up to hunt for rockets are my two favourite condiments
12:30Zolts and pep- Zolts and Emma
12:31Zolts and Peppers, Zolts and Emma
12:35It looks like a rocket
12:36That's not a rocket
12:37No, well, it's not a rocket until it's fired
12:39It's a potential rocket
12:40Even then that is not a rocket
12:42I don't see why why can that not be a rocket
12:44It hasn't got fins
12:46I'm just thinking
12:48Have you got any fizzy drinks?
12:50Can I make fins out of that?
12:53Right, that's better
12:54Right, so did you just make yourself a rocket?
12:56I've made myself a rocket but it didn't go in my pocket
12:58Right, okay
13:03Oh, shit
13:07Right, are you saying you've made a rocket?
13:09Yeah
13:09In that case, I'm going to have to give you that
13:13If you draw, make or write your own rocket
13:16That doesn't count as an actual rocket unless you are a rocket scientist
13:19If you are not a rocket scientist, you must now put two rockets in your pockets
13:25Are you a rocket scientist? No, I'm not
13:26Right
13:27Right
13:28I did languages
13:30Two rockets
13:31Yes, please
13:31Am I allowed out of the room?
13:32Absolutely
13:33Oh, right, okay
13:34Maybe I should have thought of that before
13:37Two rockets in your pockets?
13:39One like that?
13:40No, that's not a rocket, that's a can of Coke with a sweet in
13:43Fuck's sake
13:43Oh, I'm so sorry
13:45I'm going to have to give you this
13:47If you swear at any point after drawing, making or writing your own rocket
13:51You must now put three rockets in your pockets
14:00I mean, is that a rocket?
14:02I don't think you'll fit that in your pocket though
14:09Was it on the rocket?
14:10You saying that's a rocket?
14:11No, no
14:12Oh, well, there is a rocket there
14:14Well, there you go
14:15You found a rocket?
14:16I found one, I need another rocket
14:21Nope, nope, nope, nope
14:23We're going back inside
14:25Is there anything in the sharks?
14:26Not a shark
14:27There's a rocket in there
14:30Walker?
14:33I'll stop the clock
14:34Right, that took a long time
14:37Have you looked in anything yet?
14:39Like, you mean in that?
14:40No
14:41Well, if you want
14:44I don't know what to do
14:46Oh, like, in this pot
14:52Oh!
14:53It's a tiny little rocket
14:54Well, you'd better put it in your pocket then
14:56Like, okay, now I'm on board with it
14:58Alright, fine
14:59Any other little rockets about?
15:02There's one
15:03Oh my God, there's one in Charlotte Ritchie
15:06Oh, yeah, there you go
15:08Time's up
15:09I've stopped the clock
15:10Oh, you did the noise for me
15:11Yeah, sorry
15:12No, no
15:20Classic case of him moving the goalposts as the task goes on
15:23Incredibly irritating, I find
15:25Me?
15:26Yeah
15:26Oh, sorry
15:27Well, I'm at it
15:28I also found it really irritating when you opened the plug and there was a rocket inside and you looked
15:32at the camera as if to say
15:33Yeah
15:37Andy, you were told repeatedly that the yellow tube in the lab was not a rocket
15:40Yeah
15:42Repeatedly
15:42You know, if you fire something upwards, you've rocketed it
15:47Have you not?
15:48I think you've rocketed it, but it doesn't become a rocket
15:50Become a rocket
15:51Your argument is if it gets fired, it's a rocket
15:53Yeah
15:53Well, you could do that to a chartered accountant
15:55Yes
15:59Emma
15:59Yeah
16:00Now, I'm no rocket scientist
16:02Fine
16:03But putting a sweet inside a can of coke
16:08How in any rational mind can that be justified as a rocket?
16:12Well, yeah, it's shocking, isn't it?
16:14I mean, it was a totally stupid decision and also it didn't even fizz. It was just crap, wasn't it?
16:20Well, look, Bubba took 5 minutes 52, Andy 18 minutes 10, Emma 39 minutes
16:27Wow
16:27Oh, my God
16:28Get in!
16:30All right, part one is over. It never really loved you anyway. Part one didn't even make an effort with
16:34your mum. It's finished! Let it go! Make a life with part two! It's a great cook and it's a
16:39tomcat in the bedroom. We'll see you in a bit.
16:47APPLAUSE
16:52Hello! Welcome to the start of part two. Please remind us what was happening before the break, my sad little
16:58otter.
16:59Well, they're all trying to find a rocket and put it in their pocket as fast as is bloody possible.
17:04Finally, it's Jack and Rosie.
17:07Can I go extra boring?
17:11You may.
17:14I mean, it will be... It's going to be staring at me, isn't it? That's the thing.
17:18Mm-hmm. I know what you mean. It's so annoying. Yeah, it is. OK.
17:23OK.
17:24OK.
17:25Is it rocket salad?
17:36That's what I was looking for.
17:38It stinks.
17:40Done.
17:44I've stopped the clock. You've got rocket in your pocket.
17:48Have you enjoyed that?
17:50Well done, me!
17:52LAUGHTER
17:54APPLAUSE
17:54Wow!
17:56OK.
17:57Great money.
17:59Two grown adults.
18:02Genuinely thrilled that they've put salad in their pockets.
18:05Oh, come on. You should try it sometime. It's good.
18:07Maybe you and I could hang out sometime.
18:09Yeah, I'd like that.
18:10LAUGHTER
18:14Rosie, that well done me was genuine, wasn't it?
18:17Yeah!
18:19Honestly, that's the best thing I've ever done.
18:24LAUGHTER
18:26The wizard has a point.
18:27Just, um...
18:29What was the wording of the task?
18:32It was put a rocket and then a silent salad in your pocket.
18:35Right.
18:35It's like a piece of rocket or a bunch of rocket, didn't it?
18:38A rocket.
18:39Do you want me to take Rosie's point off her?
18:43Yeah.
18:44LAUGHTER
18:45Just look at Rosie...
18:46Look at Rosie when you say it.
18:48Yeah, I do.
18:49LAUGHTER
18:51Does the word A mean nothing these days?
18:54You are a prick today.
18:57LAUGHTER
18:58That's perfectly fine.
19:00That's...
19:00I'm not...
19:01I'm not some pricks.
19:03I'm a prick.
19:05LAUGHTER
19:08APPLAUSE
19:13Baba, do you think I should disqualify the salad?
19:15What's the timing of theirs?
19:17Yeah, yeah.
19:17LAUGHTER
19:18You haven't yet said that.
19:20All right, let's get to that first.
19:22LAUGHTER
19:22Well, I can tell you Rosie put rocket in her pocket in 2 minutes 40.
19:27Yeah, let's take away the point.
19:29LAUGHTER
19:30LAUGHTER
19:32Jack pocketed rocket in 1 minute 59.
19:35Wow!
19:37APPLAUSE
19:38No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
19:41Yeah, it's, erm, everything he said, I'mma back it.
19:46I've got news for you.
19:47I am going to allow rocket, and I want you to know this.
19:51I may not have allowed rocket if it wasn't for this wizard.
19:55LAUGHTER
19:58Rocket stunts.
19:59In that case, it's one point to Emma, two to Andy, three to Baba,
20:02four to Rosie, but five to Mr Jack Dean.
20:06APPLAUSE
20:09Is it scoreboard time?
20:11It is Baba with your speedy rocket.
20:13You are in joint first place with Jack Dean on eight points.
20:17APPLAUSE
20:22Please, we have another task.
20:24Oh, yes.
20:25Now, for some physical art.
20:36BELL RINGS
20:39Yo!
20:40What's going on?
20:41Hello, Baba.
20:41Man-like.
20:43You're on dry land.
20:44Dry land, yeah.
20:45Yeah.
20:46You've been at sea.
20:48No, it's a caravan, bro.
20:49It's a submaravan.
20:50LAUGHTER
20:55Do I?
20:57You do.
21:01We create a famous 2D piece of art in 3D.
21:12Most creative recreation wins.
21:16Do I look like I go to art exhibitions?
21:19I'll go to an art exhibition, my guy.
21:22You have 20 minutes.
21:23Your time starts now.
21:26Right.
21:27Famous 2D piece of art in 3D.
21:31You understand it?
21:32Of course I understand it.
21:33What's the matter with you?
21:34You think I'm sick?
21:35You kept saying recreation.
21:37I said recreation instead of recreation.
21:38But, you know, they are the same spelling, aren't they?
21:45Well, I'm just excited to see these.
21:483D art.
21:49OK, would you like to see a montage of them arting hard?
21:51I want to see a hard art montage.
21:54OK.
21:55Here you are.
21:56Oh, my God.
22:01Noisy?
22:01Really noisy.
22:03I hate bloody flowers.
22:05Don't give a flying toss about no damn flowers.
22:10It needs to go far corner.
22:12Far back as it goes, I think.
22:18Hi, Alex.
22:22Are you all right?
22:24Yeah, I'm all right.
22:25Er...
22:25Shall I shit here?
22:28I'll just see who's Dutch is here.
22:30Oh, I see.
22:31OK.
22:31The Andy Warhol ones didn't do baked beans and soup.
22:41Soup?
22:42Baked beans is a lump of soup.
22:51Does this look like a human mother?
22:55I need to get my thug pose on.
22:58You look like a thug.
22:59No gang affiliation over here, bruv.
23:01Apart from the church.
23:03I go to church.
23:04I gang bang for Jesus.
23:05You get me?
23:06OK.
23:08I don't know if you're celebrating a goal, but really upset.
23:11Oh, upset?
23:12Yeah.
23:15Did you do that?
23:16Yeah.
23:17Wow.
23:18Yeah, did that.
23:19I'm slipping in.
23:21Oh!
23:22That feels gross!
23:33Who of us in this room isn't blown away by how much Jack D looks like Van Gogh?
23:40He looks literally like the man who came back to life.
23:44Oh, my God!
23:46Baba, did you have some sort of traumatic instance in your life with flowers?
23:49Why?
23:49You're the only person I've ever met who hates flowers.
23:51I quote,
23:52I don't give a flying toss about no damn flowers.
23:56You know what it is?
23:57I'm traumatised by how much my wife requests flowers.
24:00Cos when I'm walking on the street, people will be like,
24:02Oh, he's in the doghouse.
24:03It's like, I ain't in no damn doghouse.
24:05You know what I'm saying?
24:06How often do you buy your wife flowers?
24:08Oh, oh.
24:12Not including the ones you take off lampposts.
24:20Emma.
24:21I'm already quite impressed, cos I already know what your painting is.
24:24Really?
24:25It's Clint, right?
24:26Yeah.
24:26Well, look, I'm going to show you Emma's 3D version of the well-known painting.
24:31Let's see it in all its glory.
24:32Here we go.
24:42Oh, that's good.
24:44Oh, that's good.
24:45Well done.
24:46That was quite a good one.
24:49Yeah.
24:51I mean, so rarely on this show that I just have to just say,
24:55Oh, that's good.
24:55Yeah.
24:57It was good.
24:57The original sparked a sexual revolution.
24:59Do you think hers will?
25:01Meh.
25:02I can't feel anything.
25:05No.
25:06It's really good, Emma.
25:08OK, well, shall we see another?
25:08Yes.
25:09Well, as you might have worked out, Andy Zaltzman took on
25:12the almighty Guernica by Pablo Picasso.
25:14Wow.
25:15So, first of all, we're going to look at the original.
25:18Now, Picasso obviously made the incredibly moving and powerful
25:21anti-war painting to help raise awareness and raise money
25:24during the Spanish Civil War.
25:25It's harrowing.
25:26And here's Andy Zaltzman's 3D recreation.
25:28LAUGHTER
25:37APPLAUSE
25:38APPLAUSE
25:44I mean, we have to reward ambition.
25:47LAUGHTER
25:47It's incredibly ambitious.
25:50I mean, I just feel, you know, amongst the many things this show
25:53doesn't address, the pity of war is right up there.
25:57LAUGHTER
25:58Cow's the wrong way round.
26:00LAUGHTER
26:04Sorry, Emma, have you...
26:05You've spotted an inaccuracy in this painting.
26:08LAUGHTER
26:10Well done, wizard.
26:11OK, well, next up, with his 3D nod to self-portrait with bandaged ear.
26:15Right, well, we already know this looks exactly like it.
26:17LAUGHTER
26:17Cos we've got his face in the room.
26:19Yep, it's Vincent Jack Goff.
26:20Here we go.
26:23LAUGHTER
26:27Yes.
26:32APPLAUSE
26:37Who would have thought that anyone could look more haunted
26:42than Vincent van Gogh?
26:45LAUGHTER
26:47Van Gogh looks like it's his birthday by comparison.
26:51LAUGHTER
26:52Another one.
26:53Really good.
26:54This is the worst episode of Taskmaster ever.
26:57OK, time for another break and probably some more adverts
27:00for holidays in the sun.
27:02Costa Living Crisis?
27:03Yeah, more like Costa del Sol living la vida loca crisis.
27:07Let's whack it under the credit card.
27:10Wayne Lineker, call me YOLO!
27:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:24Come on, then.
27:25Here we are.
27:27It's part three.
27:28Some classic artworks are being brought to life in a three-dimensional way.
27:32Cool.
27:32Yeah, I love 3D.
27:34But I also like Harry Styles' solo stuff.
27:37LAUGHTER
27:37Next up, there's the artist currently known as Rosie Jones.
27:41BLOOMING
27:43BLOOMING
27:43Andy Warhol
27:47from...
27:48Campbell'sụ
28:02It's some...
28:05Campbell'sụp.
28:06I get it.
28:07LAUGHTER
28:09It's really good. Yeah, it's good. Everyone liked it.
28:12Did you like it? Not that much.
28:15LAUGHTER
28:17One left, Greg. Yes. One left.
28:19And this man doesn't go to art galleries. He hates flowers.
28:22It's Bubba's turn.
28:27MUSIC PLAYS
28:29Very good. It is good.
28:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:43Oh, sorry. Sorry about that.
28:45You like that, Greg?
28:48LAUGHTER
28:50Tell me about that. Yes. Yes. Of course I do.
28:52Yes, you do. You see the angle? You know what I'm saying?
28:54This is what I'm trying to say. I keep telling people I'm amazing.
28:57LAUGHTER
28:58LAUGHTER
29:01Well, look, Greg, here are all five of the excellent 3D picks.
29:05Well, I'm going to have to give everyone a really high score, aren't I?
29:07And then we'll just have to hope they fuck up the next task.
29:10LAUGHTER
29:10So I'll give everyone five points.
29:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:18OK, what's next, please, little Alex Hall?
29:21OK, well, Greg, we're off to the pub. Ooh!
29:24MUSIC PLAYS
29:36In you go.
29:39Oh, hello!
29:42Lovely!
29:43Oh, we have company.
29:45Where's Alex?
29:47Who cares?
29:49Oh, lovely.
29:52Do you want...? Yes, please.
29:53Oh, thank you so much.
29:54Would you like to...?
29:55Yeah, sure.
29:56Yes.
29:58Win the pub quiz by cheating.
30:01The team that wins by cheating in at least five different ways wins.
30:06If the quiz master notices you cheating, you will lose a point
30:10and you must use a different method of cheating.
30:13This quiz will start in five minutes.
30:15Your time starts now.
30:17OK, so we need ways of cheating.
30:19Mobile phone.
30:23Hiya.
30:24Here he is.
30:26Hi, guys.
30:26Are you doing a pub quiz tonight?
30:28Oh, great.
30:31I'll come and get your team name soon.
30:32Have I got time to go to the toilet?
30:37Yeah, quiz starts in three minutes.
30:39Good thinking.
30:40There's your answer sheet. Are you all right?
30:42D.
30:43OK, there's your answer sheet for the first two rounds.
30:46OK, enjoy. Anyone need anything?
30:47Good luck, enjoy!
30:49Yes.
30:51What did you get?
30:52I got my phone.
30:55What's that?
30:55Your phone.
30:56Up.
30:57And take a piece of beer.
30:59How do you intend to use that without being noticed?
31:02That's the next challenge.
31:05Oh, come on, you.
31:07Keep, keep.
31:08Yeah, it might do.
31:10Oh, what's up?
31:11One of you look after you.
31:12A little book of...
31:12That's Sue Perkins' number.
31:15Do you have your phone?
31:16Save that now.
31:18872.
31:18Quiz starts in 45 seconds, guys.
31:20Cheers, mate.
31:21OK.
31:22Team name, please.
31:23GK, picky people.
31:25Team honesty.
31:26Team honesty.
31:27That's funny.
31:28And have you got a team name?
31:30Cheetahs, but like they're animals.
31:33Cheetahs?
31:34Just Cheetahs with a Z.
31:35C-H-E-T-A-H-Z.
31:40Cheetahs.
31:41OK, right, let's go get my microphone and then we'll be off.
31:43Yeah.
31:44Yeah.
31:44I've got something a little bit provocative to say.
31:47Are you both married?
31:50Mm-hm.
31:50I'm also married.
31:52Mm-hm.
31:52I was thinking like maybe just kiss and cheat.
31:54Right.
31:55Handshake?
31:56I don't know if it's that kind of cheating.
31:58Check that.
32:04I remember what's in there.
32:06OK.
32:07All right, remember.
32:09Um, what's in your right hand?
32:11Nothing.
32:13It's just falling on the floor there.
32:15I will put the books in my area.
32:17Can I have the guide to the Beavers, please?
32:19And also AirPods out.
32:21You're so strict!
32:22Yes.
32:23Sorry, I didn't see it down on.
32:24Mm-hm.
32:24Sorry about that, bro.
32:25Excuse me.
32:27Hello? Hello?
32:28Pretty much back to square one.
32:29Hello?
32:30Everyone here?
32:36Are you pub quizzes before we start?
32:38No.
32:39I think it's a waste of pub time.
32:42Every Monday.
32:43Thank you, Emma.
32:44Do you really, Emma?
32:45Yeah, genuinely.
32:47Q, what's your tinkle?
32:49Um, no arguments.
32:52Because we have a problem with arguing,
32:54so one day we realise,
32:56oh, if we called no arguments,
32:57maybe we'll stop.
32:59Oh.
32:59So now we just argue on the way home.
33:02It's me and my husband.
33:06All right, then.
33:07You want to see the quiz?
33:07I want to see the quiz.
33:09OK.
33:09Pens down, heads up or something.
33:11It's time to quiz.
33:13Welcome to the ship.
33:14Welcome to the pub quiz.
33:16OK.
33:17Question one.
33:17What is the largest species of rodent?
33:20What is the largest species of rodent?
33:23Not that.
33:24It's a little mouse.
33:26In what year was Mary Queen of Scots executed by her cousin?
33:30Elizabeth first, of course.
33:33In what year...
33:34I'm just going to faint choking.
33:36I got cramp.
33:39Oh!
33:39Oh, just move around the room a bit.
33:41Oh, my God!
33:43Yeah.
33:44Oh, man.
33:46It's quite early in the quiz to get cramp.
33:48Right.
33:49Right.
33:49Right.
33:50She just needs to be...
33:51Yeah.
33:52Yeah.
33:53Yeah.
33:53Yeah.
33:54Right.
33:55Oh!
33:57There's a hat there, though.
33:58Me!
34:01Me!
34:02Me!
34:03Me!
34:04Me!
34:04Yeah.
34:05I'm feeling better now.
34:07See you later!
34:08We do need to carry on with the quiz.
34:09See you later!
34:10Question three.
34:11What is the boiling point of mercury?
34:13It's 500.
34:15Yeah.
34:15Do you think it's that?
34:16Yeah.
34:17Mercury.
34:18How are you getting on?
34:19What do the following states have in common?
34:22Oh!
34:24Oh!
34:25Come down!
34:26Come down and help!
34:27What do you...
34:28Come down and help, mate!
34:29That's not really how it works, then.
34:31You don't come down and help.
34:31What's wrong?
34:33Basically...
34:33Yeah.
34:33I feel so sick.
34:35OK.
34:36I feel really nauseous.
34:37Do you want a blanket?
34:38Yeah.
34:39I was going to get her a blanket, apparently.
34:40OK, yeah, please.
34:45OK.
34:46Phone's away, please.
34:47I see what you're doing there.
34:53Round two.
34:54Sport!
34:55If I potted a red, then a black, then a red, then a black, then a red, then a pink,
35:03then a red, then a
35:04green, then a green, then a green, then all the colours, what would my break be worth?
35:10I'll be honest with you, I think this is when we do a quick romantic cheat.
35:14Right.
35:15So can I just give you a quick...
35:17There we go.
35:19Let's never speak of it again.
35:25What is Sue Perkins' favourite sport?
35:28Oh!
35:29I need a sick bucket, now!
35:31A big bucket.
35:33Yeah.
35:35Cool, Sue Perkins.
35:36Hi, it's Sue here.
35:38Sorry I can't take your call.
35:39Come on, Sue!
35:40What?
35:41Hockey.
35:42Hockey.
35:43Hockey.
35:43Hockey.
35:52Hello, everyone.
35:53Hi, yeah!
35:54The answers.
35:55Have you all swapped sheets?
35:56No, sorry, we just got them all mixed up.
35:58Quick as you can, please.
36:00Let's swap red, then.
36:02As long as you don't have your own.
36:04As long as we don't have our own sheets.
36:06Good try, though.
36:07The biggest rodent was, of course, please sit down, Kapubara.
36:1015.87.
36:12356 points.
36:13That would be a break of 70 points.
36:15Sue Perkins' favourite sport was, and still is, football.
36:19It's hockey.
36:21It's not, it's football.
36:22Sorry, I have to be very passionate about this.
36:25Yeah.
36:26Sue Perkins is my best friend.
36:29It's hockey.
36:30Well, I've got a hand before we give her a call in the break.
36:32Give her a call.
36:32I'm sorry, I don't want to be afraid about this.
36:34Can we call her now?
36:34Give her a call now.
36:36Yeah, please, let's call her now.
36:36Put it on the speaker, let's hear it.
36:38Hi, it's Sue here.
36:40Sorry I can't take your call, but I'm at the underwater hockey.
36:45Which is a shame, because I actually really love football.
36:52Underwater football.
36:53Have you just caught up the scores?
36:56The sporty foodie flag, guys.
36:59Yep.
36:59Zero in round one.
37:01Right.
37:02And then three in round two.
37:06Three, really?
37:08Didn't quite get there.
37:10And round two.
37:12Well, we got three.
37:14We thought we had got more.
37:15Well, rugby ball's right, isn't it?
37:16Yeah, that is...
37:17Well, misspelling apparently.
37:18It's misspelling.
37:19Well, they've misspelt the word misspelling.
37:21Well done, guys.
37:22All right, round three will start in one minute.
37:26APPLAUSE
37:31I mean, some of the most ludicrous overacting.
37:35I mean, Jones went down within seconds.
37:37Yeah, good friend.
37:38And then, Emma, I presume a trained actress when you had your multiple physical collapses.
37:43I never trained, darling.
37:45I never trained.
37:46Oh, it doesn't show.
37:49Do you know what I mean?
37:50Mama was the only one, wasn't he?
37:51He wasn't overacting.
37:53Yes.
37:53But there's more to come, right?
37:55We're only halfway through.
37:56They've both pretty much neck and neck.
37:57I've caught them a few times, but there is a second half to come.
37:59That's the end of part three.
38:01Come back for part four and see someone take home some soulful prizes.
38:04It'll be like watching your kid in a school play.
38:07Except shorter and fun, and you won't have to stave off boredom
38:10by imagining having an affair with a teacher.
38:13Just me?
38:26Hello!
38:27Welcome back to the final part of the show
38:29where a pub quiz is taking place in the ship.
38:32On with the second half of the quiz,
38:33where the two teams have to win by cheating at least five times
38:37without being caught by old eagle-eyes Horne,
38:39the handsome quiz master.
38:40Here's how they get on.
38:43Round three, picture round.
38:45Question one.
38:45What is Alex Horne holding?
38:48Phones away, please.
38:49PHONE RINGS
38:50What country's flag has a green triangle on the left?
38:53I do have a cramp again.
38:57Please sit down.
38:58Don't be a bore, bro.
38:59Come on, ma'am.
39:00Question three.
39:01Please sit down.
39:02Alex, I've got a delivery.
39:03A delivery?
39:05Just checking if the guy's at the front door.
39:06Yeah.
39:07This is a pub.
39:08Right.
39:09Yeah!
39:10Yeah!
39:11You're right.
39:16I don't think anyone saw that.
39:18Oh!
39:20Oh!
39:21Oh!
39:22Oh, God!
39:24There's no one there.
39:25What animal features on Albania's flag?
39:29Right, we'll be back in two minutes with the answers.
39:40What?
39:41What are you going on?
39:42We are...
39:47Yo!
39:47Yo!
39:48Yo!
39:48Yo!
39:49Oh!
39:51Oh!
39:58This thing is inside.
40:01Hello, everyone.
40:02Hiya.
40:03Hiya.
40:04OK.
40:05The answers.
40:06Please swap papers.
40:08Round three, the picture round.
40:09OK.
40:10What was I holding?
40:11What was redacted there?
40:13A colander.
40:15How did you know that?
40:16It wasn't...
40:17It's just the expression.
40:19A colander.
40:20And it was a colander.
40:21Yeah.
40:22I love the colander.
40:24Mmm.
40:25Thanks for coming, everyone.
40:26That is closing time now, so...
40:28Woo!
40:29Please get out.
40:30Bye-bye.
40:31Cheers, guys.
40:32Cheers.
40:37First of all, I will tell you the scores in the quiz.
40:41Andy, Emma and Bubba got 22 out of 30.
40:43Jack and Rosie got 23 out of 30.
40:45Oh, God!
40:46Ah!
40:46But we subtract points for the amount of times I caught them cheating.
40:49I caught the team of three six times.
40:51I caught the team of two nine times.
40:54Which means a team of three win the quiz!
40:56Wow!
40:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:03It was close, so I don't know how you want to distribute points.
41:05Five and four?
41:06There we go.
41:07So, four for the team of two, five for the team of three!
41:09APPLAUSE
41:10That is great!
41:10That is great!
41:12That is great!
41:13That is great!
41:14Do you want to get the scores out?
41:15Yes, we can have a first look at the series scores, if you want, Greg.
41:18Ooh, yes, please.
41:19Mmm.
41:19Well, it's sort of going like this.
41:21We've got Andy on 37, Bubba on 40, Emma on 42,
41:25then we jump to Rosie on 46, Jack's on 53 at the mark.
41:28It's doing the job.
41:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:32OK, it's that time again.
41:34Please head to the stage for the final task of the show!
41:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:46What is going on?
41:48We found their doppelgangers!
41:51LAUGHTER
41:55It's uncanny!
41:57Are you just going to read the task, Alex?
41:59I'd like Jack D to read the task, please, Greg.
42:01Oh, Jack, would you read it?
42:02Yeah, OK.
42:05Russell Russell, Phil Phil, Mark Mark, Rob Rob and Pat Pat.
42:09When Alex blows his whistle, you must all immediately
42:12either say one word to the person next to you or perform one action.
42:17The people may only say yes or no.
42:20If you perform the wrong action, you are disqualified.
42:23You will then meet a new person.
42:25First person to perform all the right actions
42:28to all the right people wins.
42:30Yes, so you're sitting next to somebody who's either called Mark,
42:33Pat, Russell, Rob or Phil.
42:35So, if you think they're called Mark, you put a mark on their clipboard.
42:38If you think they're called Pat, you pat them on the head.
42:40If you think they're called Russell, you Russell them.
42:42You know what I mean?
42:44If you think they're called Rob, you steal one of their pencils.
42:46If you think they're called Phil, you put your stuffing down their top.
42:50If you find out that you're sat next to, for example, Mark,
42:53you have to wait till the next time you meet Mark to mark Mark.
42:57If you correctly Phil Phil or Mark Mark or Rob Rob or Russell Russell,
43:00you will get a little sticker on your arm.
43:02The first person to get all five of them wins five points.
43:05No one gets any other points.
43:07If you do the action wrong, you're out of the game.
43:10OK, once we get going, it's less complicated.
43:13LAUGHTER
43:13Let's go.
43:15Rob.
43:16No.
43:16Phil.
43:17No.
43:17Russell.
43:18No.
43:19Mark.
43:20No.
43:20Pat.
43:21No.
43:22Move!
43:23We're off.
43:24Phil.
43:25No.
43:25Rob.
43:26Yes.
43:27Move!
43:28If you think you've got it right, you have to remember till next time.
43:31Mark.
43:32Yes.
43:32Pat.
43:33Yes.
43:35Not yet!
43:36Sit down!
43:37Make you sit down.
43:38Hey!
43:39Move!
43:41Now move!
43:44It's not very often you'll see Alex genuinely annoyed, ladies and gentlemen.
43:48So, here we go.
43:49Wait, wait, what are their names again?
43:53It's worth trying to remember them.
43:54It's Mark, Pack, Russell, Rob and Phil.
44:01Move!
44:01Four!
44:02Good!
44:07There has been a successful action.
44:10Move!
44:20We have a disqualification.
44:21Bubba has got this person wrong.
44:23You must stand behind your chair.
44:24He is disqualified.
44:25Oh, Bubba.
44:26At this rate, I don't care.
44:27Right.
44:28Move!
44:30Move!
44:31Oh, shit!
44:35That's definitely not his name.
44:40OK, we've got some more action.
44:42This is good.
44:43Move!
44:48We have more actions.
44:50Move, please.
44:50Move.
44:53We have action over there.
44:55Another sticker.
44:56Please move.
45:02We have a disqualification.
45:03Jack D is gone.
45:04Jack's gone.
45:05Only three left in the game.
45:07Ray, you're going to kill me.
45:13Russell.
45:14Mark.
45:15Phil.
45:17Mark.
45:17Yes!
45:19Go!
45:20OK.
45:22And just so you know, thank you, Emma.
45:23Emma has one sticker.
45:25The wizard has one sticker.
45:26Rosie has two stickers.
45:29She's got two.
45:30I know.
45:31She's playing you, Emma.
45:33She knows exactly what she's doing.
45:35Here we go.
45:37Move, move, move.
45:40Some action going on.
45:43The wizard has another sticker.
45:45And move.
45:47We have more action here.
45:49The wizard has three stickers.
45:55Oh, stickers.
45:59We could be approaching the endgame.
46:04We have four stickers!
46:09We will add those scores to the final score.
46:12Come down and join me!
46:20What.
46:21A.
46:21Rush.
46:22Mm.
46:23All right.
46:24Well, as you saw, there was only five points to one person there,
46:27and that person was Mr Andy Zaltzman.
46:28The wizard has his revenge.
46:32It means the final table today looks like this.
46:36He's only gone undone it.
46:38The winner with 21 points is Andy Zaltzman!
46:43Andy Zaltzman wins.
46:46Please go up and celebrate with your soulful prizes!
46:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:54Andy Zaltzman wins.
47:01Please go up and celebrate with your soulful prizes!
47:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:11Thank you so much.
47:13Thank you!
47:14Thank you very much, very much.
47:17Thank you, Andy!
47:18Thank you, Andy.
47:20Thank you very much.
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