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Mock The Week - Season 22 - Episode 09
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00:00Hello, I'm comedy legend Daryl O'Brien and you're watching a very special edition of
00:05Back From The Dead TV Phenomenon, Mock The Week. Our return has been literally all
00:10anyone has been talking about so far in 2026, so sit back and enjoy some of our
00:14finest moments as well as some of his new material. I f***ed that up didn't I?
00:31I read about the things that happen throughout the world
00:38Don't believe in everything you see or hear
00:43Read all about it
00:46Read all about it
00:49Listen to the world, listen to the world
00:52Read all about it
00:55Read all about it
00:57Listen to the world
00:59Listen to the world
01:03Hello, I'm comedy legend Daryl O'Brien and you're watching a very special edition of
01:07Back From The Dead TV Phenomenon, Mock The Week. Our return has literally been all
01:12anyone's been talking about in 2026, so sit back and enjoy some of our finest moments
01:16as well as some new material and some outtakes. We'll be back with Series 2
01:20in the autumn. See you then.
01:23The people who've just arrived, you are sat next to my mum and dad.
01:28So if you could not openly slag me off during the recording
01:32It really helped me quite a lot. Hi guys!
01:36Were you talking to your mum and dad then? Yeah!
01:40We start now with a round call. If this is the answer, what is the question? On the board are
01:44six categories.
01:45Russell, which category would you like? World news please, Dara.
01:49OK, the topic is world news. The answer is 700 billion. What is the question?
01:54Is it how many careers has Brooklyn Beckham tried?
02:00Is it how much are TLC paying Dara to do this?
02:06It's how much Dara arse for from TLC for settling on £50 a week and a chance to meet the
02:12cast
02:12of MILF Manor?
02:16I can tell you. I just like the way the handle entails.
02:22Is it how much would you have to pay me to watch my parents make love?
02:26Well, there is a number.
02:29Look, now we can negotiate.
02:32Can I just say, I'm giving the context. I'm so glad our hair didn't do that joke.
02:39Is it what do our ratings have to be before someone at the BBC admits they made a mistake?
02:50Is it how many times have I forgotten to finish the do you have ADHD test?
02:57Is it how many messages have there been in the female comedian's WhatsApp group
03:00since the David Walliam stuff came out?
03:04Is it how far down the channel list is TLC?
03:12We salute you, those of you who set off an hour ago.
03:16No, no, no.
03:17I know what I'm saying.
03:19Is it the age of consent for a galaxy?
03:24Is it according to HMRC, how much money is just too difficult to pack?
03:34No, that wasn't. That wasn't. I thought it was very satirical.
03:39Wow, that's relatable content.
03:40No, no.
03:43None of those are the correct answer. Can somebody give me the correct answer?
03:46If this is the first episode of Mock the Week on TLC, what episode is it on Dave?
03:54Does anybody have the correct answer?
03:55Is it how much would Greenland actually cost the USA were they to buy it?
04:00Thank you very much, Hugh.
04:07It's the chair. It's just the chair.
04:09Total force of habit out there had to be.
04:12Before we go on to that, can we just say, look, generally, hello.
04:15It's lovely to be back. I hope you're well and it's a delight to be here.
04:19Thank you very much for coming in, joining us here at the end.
04:26Oh, that was it. That was the whole welcome back thing.
04:28Okay, I can do more welcome back if you want.
04:29No, no. I just wanted to say I feel a bit bad for the viewers,
04:32because when they brought back gladiators, they had fit, young, sexy, new ones.
04:36They didn't bring out the old ones again.
04:43They'd be like, oh, who's on Mock the Week? I was just saying, oh, guys.
04:48Okay, here we go. The first subject is unlikely lines from a blockbuster movie.
04:53Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in.
04:57Sundays, 9 o'clock on TLC.
05:03Why must we take it and drop it into the fires of Mount Doom?
05:07Because you took more than two seconds to answer the door,
05:09and that's our policy here at DPD.
05:15Simba.
05:17I have brought you a sandwich.
05:20Tuna, tomato.
05:29I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy,
05:31asking him to notice that my hair is a completely different color today.
05:38We're sending you to the Caribbean, Bond. We need you to befriend a nonce.
05:48Finally, we meet, Bond.
05:50I just need to finish my interpretive dance, and I'll be back with you.
05:54LAUGHTER
06:00If you only watch one movie this year, watch F1.
06:03The gripping story of a function key on a computer keyboard.
06:11The next round is called audience question time.
06:15We throw those open to the studio audience and invite them to ask us questions on any topic.
06:19Is there an Ed here?
06:21There's Ed there. Absolutely on that road there.
06:23Er, do you have a question for us?
06:25No.
06:25Yeah, no.
06:26LAUGHTER
06:27If you're on, Ed, I can give you more of a build-up to it.
06:30On the count of three, Ed.
06:32Three, two, one.
06:34Dara, do you think you have any celebrity look-alikes?
06:37Oh, do I? Or does anyone else?
06:39Do you have any celebrity look-alikes?
06:41Anyone who's 50 and bald, and I'm trying to...
06:43I mean, like, the Mitchell brothers, er...
06:46The one thing I'm not short of is look-alikes.
06:48No-one else trades on look-alikes in the same way that I do.
06:50No, Minions guy.
06:51The Minions guy, yeah.
06:53Hunky Dumpty, that's, er...
06:56I've got a celebrity look-alike, but, like, obviously, I appreciate that, like,
06:59I can say it.
07:01Do you know what I mean?
07:02If you said it, it'd be weird.
07:04But I can say...
07:06Idris Elba.
07:09You're right.
07:10It would be...
07:12I wouldn't like to come across as racist by denying that.
07:17I don't get many celebrity look-alikes, but I did get someone on Twitter once
07:20told me I look like Ron Weasley's mum after a couple of bad divorces.
07:26It has been said that I look like a cross between Gerard
07:29Deppidue and Orinoco the Wombat.
07:34What about the time you were mistaken for Al Murray?
07:37Oh, that's the best!
07:38A man...
07:39A man walked in genuinely, because Al Murray lives not far from me,
07:41and I was walking along the street, and a man walked in and said,
07:43Hello, Al Murray.
07:45And I said, I'm not Al Murray.
07:47And he went, Oh, sorry.
07:49Hello, Poblando.
07:55The next round is called Between the Lines.
07:58This week is Hugh and Rhys.
07:59Would you make your way to the press pit, please?
08:01Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise of a leading figure in the world stage,
08:04while Hugh will translate what it really means.
08:06This week, Rhys is Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.
08:12Are you f***ing kidding me?
08:14You told me I was going to be Cristiano Ronaldo.
08:19Hello, it's me, Mr. Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.
08:32I am currently facing some personal challenges.
08:36And that is putting it f***ing mildly.
08:40Things are starting to get serious for me.
08:43I've suddenly realised I do sweat.
08:47I realise now, I should have kept better company.
08:50Marrying Fergie was a terrible idea.
08:54I'm getting a lot of criticism, but remember all the good things I've done.
09:09When I was a royal, I used to work like a dog.
09:12I spent my time on all fours, panting a lot.
09:17It's been incredibly exhausting, moving house.
09:20You would not believe how hard it is to bubble wrap a horse.
09:31If you accuse me, I will defend myself robustly.
09:34I will give you £12 million to shut the f*** up.
09:39These claims about me and Epstein are ancient history.
09:42Some of them are over 17 years old.
09:5517 years old.
09:58Thank you very much, Rhys and you.
10:03It's Operation Epic Fury.
10:06Yeah, Epic Fury, isn't it?
10:07So American, isn't it?
10:08Might as well call it Operation Kaboom.
10:11What they should be calling it is Operation Distract Everyone
10:14from the Epstein files for a bit.
10:16That's...
10:16What?
10:17Oh, shit, I've started it, Alex.
10:20You think it was good calling it Operation Epic Fury
10:22when Operation Muller Cornered was right there?
10:30It's not the most FIFA Peace Prize thing he's done.
10:35I will say that that, and while that's maybe not the most important thing in some ways,
10:39it is quite the most striking thing that he's the first person to ever host a World Cup
10:43and bomb one of the participants in the building.
10:47There are a lot of clever people out there.
10:49I mean, you remember Saddam Hussein, he had a degree in chemistry and combined in humanities.
10:54LAUGHTER
11:01I love that you just move on.
11:05You never dignify Milton with a response, you just turn away.
11:10I think the timing of it is it gives it its time and then we move on.
11:14That's absolutely what we should do.
11:15This is the Situation Room from which this was launched.
11:18Where is this top-secret secure room?
11:21Is it at a wedding venue?
11:22It looks like they've just cornered off a bit of a wedding venue.
11:24It's very much at a wedding venue.
11:26It's got all the security of a mum holding a towel in front of you at the beach.
11:32What's happening? Are they saying, please stop talking about the war?
11:34Yeah, sort of.
11:37Can I remind you that you asked us?
11:40Moving on.
11:41What have shoplifters in the UK been targeting?
11:43Chocolate bar.
11:44Yes, chocolate bar.
11:45And apparently there was one man who was found with a coat full,
11:50stuffed full with Cadbury's cream eggs.
11:52And, Reader, I married him.
11:56Yeah, chocolate bar has become the thing to steal now.
11:58There are lots of high-value chocolates out there, so...
12:01Freddo's are 45p now.
12:03Fuck off!
12:03Yeah, that's the real chocolate crime.
12:0645p for Freddo.
12:07I can't believe people are stealing chocolate.
12:10Maybe they should put a bounty on their head.
12:12Yay!
12:18I can't believe you...
12:20You can edit that out of your mind.
12:22I can't believe you didn't believe in that, which is clearly the best joke of the entire show.
12:27I did read the story about the guy who was caught with a coat full of cream eggs,
12:32and all I could think is, obviously I don't condone violence, but imagine if they'd shot him.
12:41Oh, it's white and yellow, white and yellow, oh!
12:45This guy appears to have cum everywhere.
12:58I'm washing my hands and I'm washing my hands, but the fondant won't come off.
13:05Is that better?
13:06Is that more what they want?
13:06Yeah, we can go back to some bits.
13:10Yeah, these are your choices.
13:11Insensitivity about the wall, or cum jokes about cream eggs.
13:15We only have two tones here.
13:19Supermarkets are too accusatory anyway, man.
13:21Whenever you're at the self-checkout, it says, have you swiped your nectar card?
13:24It's like, no, I signed up for it fair and square.
13:26What are you talking about?
13:27They said that they're being stolen to order, right?
13:30And I just think, well, surely everything's stolen because someone wants it.
13:35Yeah.
13:35Who's going, that looks shit, I'll have it.
13:38Yeah, it's causing it.
13:46Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.
13:56Now we play a round called You Think That's Bad.
13:59In a world where everything seems to be going wrong,
14:01this is a chance for our performers to compete,
14:03to outdo each other with tales of woe from their lives,
14:05and I decide whose is the worst.
14:07Anyone care to start us off?
14:08A few months ago, me and my wife found what is clearly a lady's watch in our house,
14:14and neither of us has any idea who owns it,
14:18and we have phoned people, we've asked everybody,
14:22the babysitter, the babysitter's daughter,
14:24we cannot figure out who owns this watch.
14:27And my wife is not even vaguely suspicious.
14:38I love the idea that she could find some, like, ladies' underwear,
14:41and her first thought would be, have you started wearing ladies' underwear?
14:45Oh, no, the ghost is back that keeps shedding stuff.
14:49The Victorian lady ghost who keeps leaving underwear and used condoms
14:54to wear that house.
14:56Oh, we have to get a priest in to bless that.
14:59You're the weird lady ghost.
15:01You think that's bad?
15:02I just bought an island for what I thought was an absolutely bargain price,
15:06till I found out I used to own it.
15:07Yeah, that's the next one.
15:09If you think that's bad, I once got cast to play a sex worker in a movie,
15:13and I got paid less than an actual sex worker.
15:17I did it.
15:18If you think that's bad, I grew up in the northeast of England,
15:20and I once heard someone call into a talk radio show
15:23and start their comment with,
15:25I am racist, but...
15:30If you think that's bad, I had a C-section at a teaching hospital,
15:33and if you don't know, when you have a C-section, you're awake,
15:35so I heard everything, and at one point,
15:37I heard the senior doctor say to the junior doctor,
15:40hmm, now what I would have done differently there.
15:45You think that's bad?
15:46When I had my baby afterwards, I heard the doctor say,
15:48where does that bit go?
15:54They're just fucking with you!
15:57Actually, and when I had another baby,
15:59I heard them say, I had a Caesarean afterwards,
16:01they were sewing me up, and they went,
16:02time to clean the gutters now.
16:07What are the gutters?
16:08That means they're clean, I guess, huh?
16:10Yeah.
16:11I think that's bad.
16:16Um...
16:24We've actually got a French exchange student in our house at the moment,
16:27and I've not met him.
16:29Because I, uh, I never got around to getting a criminal background check,
16:33right?
16:34Which is fine, except that my wife said to me,
16:37in front of a neighbour, without context,
16:40don't forget the French exchange student that's arriving tomorrow,
16:42you're not allowed to be alone with them.
16:50Sorry.
16:50So your wife doesn't suspect you have an affair with an adult woman?
16:54No.
16:55She is worried about a French teenager.
16:59Our next round is the quick quiz.
17:01I'll ask the panellists a series of quickfire questions about someone
17:03or something from the news.
17:04This week, to commemorate Prime Minister Keir Star
17:07and Mr Stark visits to the country,
17:08let's see how much you all know about China.
17:10OK?
17:11Our first question is,
17:13China owns all the what in the world?
17:16Is it Covid?
17:20Is it phone charges that catch fire while you sleep?
17:24It is not that, no.
17:26It's a genuine thing.
17:27Is it like the royal family owning swans?
17:30Like, they own all the pandas?
17:31They own all the pandas, you're absolutely right.
17:33Yeah, it's all there in black and white.
17:36Oh, that's lovely.
17:39As a vegan, I don't think you can actually own animals,
17:42and I would not pander to the pandas.
17:44Ah!
17:49How did Wenzu in China attempt to boost visitor numbers?
17:52Oh, teaching the pandas to give handjobs.
17:55No.
17:58Letting the punters give handjobs to the pandas?
18:00Nothing involving...
18:01Tell me it involved pandas and handjobs.
18:03Not panda wrestling, no.
18:04It did involve pandas and handjobs.
18:06LAUGHTER
18:07As for those of us who were too busy to put us all to say all the words in the
18:11sentence.
18:11Er, was it...
18:12No Cage Fridays?
18:15LAUGHTER
18:17Instead, they dyed dogs, black and white, to look like pandas.
18:24Oh, wow!
18:25My thing is, who would be fooled by that?
18:27Which parents would take their children and go,
18:29no, they're pandas?
18:30That's clearly not pandas.
18:31Surely it's game over when they start barking.
18:33I will.
18:35We shouldn't slag this off.
18:36At London Zoo, our meerkats are just rats in trench coats.
18:42Did you know that all the meerkats in the world are actually owned
18:44by an insurance company?
18:47OK, what holds parts of the Great Wall of China together?
18:50Sticky Rice!
18:51No!
18:52Jinks!
18:53Yes!
18:54No, you both did.
18:54No, that was a joke.
18:56What?
18:56What?
18:57No, no, it's true.
18:58It's Sticky Rice!
18:59Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is, yeah.
18:59Shut up!
19:02Sticky Rice is the nickname of the guy who meant the rice.
19:07That was meant...
19:08No, it's genuinely Sticky Rice.
19:10It was at the time...
19:10Wait, and you two were both guessing?
19:12Yeah!
19:12That's the most racist guess I've ever heard of.
19:15It only takes 45 minutes to be sharing the one studio
19:19before women's punchlines start to...
19:27Andrew Merriman-Patten-Windsor has consistently denied
19:30any wrongdoing.
19:32Yeah, he would though, wouldn't he?
19:37Yes, for possibly revealing details when he was a trade envoy.
19:40A job that I remember us talking about years ago in this show in a kind of a,
19:44oh, is he a trade envoy now, is he?
19:47Whereas now we have to go, he was a trade envoy.
19:51He was a trade envoy, he was a trade envoy.
19:51To be fair to him, if you look at this picture, this was obviously a very stressful day,
19:55and he's not sweating, so maybe he was telling the truth.
19:59Everybody's praising this photographer for getting the snap that nobody else could get.
20:02The first thing you learn how to do with editing software is red eye reduction.
20:08And they go, I couldn't even manage that.
20:12This picture as well, the guard was actually saying that there was a problem
20:17with the button trying to let them out, that's why they were stuck there for so long.
20:20And I think, what a lie.
20:21He just said again, no, I am pressing it.
20:24Did you get a picture here?
20:25No, I'm pressing it.
20:26Oh, I'm pressing it.
20:27Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, no, don't worry here.
20:30It's one of these, oops, oh, oh, oh.
20:34I can't think you've got real buttons.
20:36I am really.
20:37We just have to mine buttons.
20:39Oh, no, no, no, I genuinely can at any time.
20:41I can do it, like, I just, I don't have to do it just a bit when you're over there.
20:43I can do it at any time.
20:44Wow.
20:46But I choose not to, that's real power.
20:49That's real power.
20:50Yeah, maturity.
20:51To be fair with this photo, there aren't many of us to get to see what we'd look like
20:55in an open casket, do we?
21:01Because it was early in the morning, wasn't it, that they arrived.
21:04And, like, they're saying that, like, oh, he could have been in bed.
21:06And I can't not imagine him in bed, with the police at the foot of his bed,
21:09and him just thinking, one of these is Michael McIntyre.
21:15Yeah, all of it, all of it's very circumstantial,
21:18because they don't actually know.
21:20They say that he could have been in bed,
21:21he could have been having breakfast, but all of it sounds really creepy.
21:25And even last week, he could have been eating an egg.
21:28And I'm like, ugh!
21:30It is bound to have an impact on his mental health, isn't it?
21:34Because, you know, what they say about the Duke of York, you know,
21:36when he was up, he was up.
21:39When he's down.
21:40I mean, Walt also was notable about the timing of the arrest.
21:43He turned 66 that day.
21:46Do you reckon when he got arrested and they said,
21:48date of birth, and he said it, they were like,
21:50that's today, I have your birthday!
21:54What's the main thing that you want on your birthday,
21:56that the whole day is about you?
21:58And that couldn't have happened in a more extreme way.
22:02Everyone's talking about you today, congratulations.
22:04I think it's quite sweet.
22:05Apparently, when they knocked down the door, they went,
22:06ha, have you got anything to say in your defense?
22:11I'm just waiting for this to come out in 24 hours
22:14in police custody.
22:15That's what I'm watching.
22:16Oh, it's going to be the best episode ever.
22:18That's going to be the greatest episode ever.
22:19Because he will do it, because he'll think,
22:21oh, wait for me to get my side of the story out.
22:25Oh, we've got to cry for one more.
22:26Where's Emily?
22:27Hey. Hi.
22:28Hey, how are you? How are you?
22:29I'm all right, how are you?
22:30I'm good, where you come from, Emily?
22:31Leeds. From Leeds, thank you very much.
22:33I was actually meant to be seeing QI tonight,
22:34but my ticket got cancelled.
22:41Let's give you some boring facts, then.
22:45The largest type of whale.
22:49So you've got this.
22:50Emily, do you have a question?
22:52Yeah, I'm wondering if you've got any travel tips?
22:54Based on what you said about QI,
22:55fuck off back to Leeds.
23:01Who has Starmer reportedly been advised to sack?
23:04It is West Street.
23:05It is West Streeting, yes.
23:06Who I think is doing that sort of tactic of you do that thing
23:10where you behave like you've already got the job that you want
23:12and hope people don't notice.
23:14But at the end of that round, the points go to Sarah Rees.
23:19People started clapping.
23:20That's how good you were.
23:22I love you.
23:23Then press the buzzer.
23:24I dare you.
23:24Yes!
23:30I feel like I've just touched a U.S. police officer's gun.
23:36Our next round is called, oh, sorry, it was points, wasn't it?
23:40Fuck.
23:40Fucked it, didn't I?
23:41Fucked it.
23:42Fucked it.
23:43You can have the job.
23:46Join us after the break for more Mock The Week.
23:55Our next round is connections.
23:59I, to the panel, have pictures of two well-known figures
24:01and ask them to tell me how they might be connected.
24:03So, what connects me to international spy James Bond?
24:08Is it that your full name is Dara Double O'Brien?
24:14It's a tragedy, really, because 007 is your sperm count, isn't it?
24:21That'll be fine now.
24:22How's his fault? Thank you very much.
24:25Is it that everyone thought in the reboot
24:27they'd both be played by a woman?
24:32Out of my cold, dead hands.
24:36Is it sex addiction?
24:46Kill him.
24:48He's got Bond girls.
24:50Have you got O'Brien girls?
24:52O'Brien girls doesn't sound as glamorous, I've got to say.
24:55The O'Brien girls just sounds like, you know, sort of your sisters.
24:58Yeah.
24:59Oh, the O'Brien girls have been off to trouble.
25:01They've been tipping the cows again out there.
25:04It sounds like some girls who went missing, sort of, 40 years ago.
25:07Oh, no!
25:08No-one heard from the O'Brien girls again.
25:11The town is still haunted by the memory of the O'Brien girls.
25:14Is it that you've both got the licence to kill the vibe?
25:20Is it that you've both got the licence to kill my career?
25:24Is it that you've both had characters based on you in the Austin Powers films?
25:31Is it that you've been doing the same job for decades, don't look any older?
25:48You're welcome.
25:49That's the nicest of all of them.
25:51Both just really attractive, charismatic people I have a lot of respect for.
25:58Both of you think you're the main guy, but it's all the teams around you that make it good.
26:04Is it both of them, despite what people may think, have actually been played by Irish people?
26:10It's, OK, well, I'll play you by Irish.
26:14This is not a persona I have that I've got.
26:17He's really Irish.
26:18Yeah, and after the show goes, oh, the thing that Dara, Dara's been good to me, I suppose.
26:23Is it that you're wearing the same outfit in these pictures?
26:26Er, I am, although I feel I'm not wearing it as accurately as he is.
26:30I've worn tuxedos a lot over the course of my life.
26:32Did you have to pick one in which I'm like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh?
26:37For some reason, I'm trying to give a smoldering look, and yet my tie is going, for Dorgan.
26:42His picture is obviously James Bond, and yours would have been hosting like mortgage provider.
26:49No, it's not that.
26:51It's a dude's face.
26:52You both won't shut up about it.
26:56That's an exciting fact.
26:58Have you both got like a moon named after you?
27:00It's not, it's very close.
27:02It's not a moon, no.
27:03A constellation.
27:04Not a constellation.
27:04Constellation would be amazing if they're a constellation.
27:07Fine, then, a fucking alien.
27:10We both have an asteroid named after us.
27:13Oh.
27:14So we could all get flattened by the Dara O'Brien.
27:16Oh, yeah, no, if it gets bumped out of its path, it will destroy all life on Earth.
27:19And for about six weeks, I'll get a lot of coverage.
27:24Now, why do you have this?
27:26How do you get this?
27:26Why did they name it after you?
27:27Are you a similar size?
27:29No.
27:31Fast boys aren't all laughing.
27:32They're bigger than me.
27:36Tonight on Mock the Week, our two teams will be fighting over the news like seagulls over chips.
27:40Join us as we tear into the news.
27:42That's the news twice at night.
27:43Yeah.
27:44Or you could do an impression of a seagull to end it.
27:46Yeah, yeah.
27:46Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:51Here's my seagull.
27:52Can I quickly, it's very, very quick.
27:54So I was in Portugal.
27:55I saw an English couple eating chips and this seagull tried to take one of their chips and this
28:01bloke did the most English thing ever.
28:02He turned to the seagull and went,
28:03Oi!
28:03What have I told you?
28:06His wife went, Tony, you moron.
28:08He won't understand.
28:08He's Portuguese.
28:09LAUGHTER
28:18Where is Jack? Where's Jack? Hey, Jack, how are you? How's yourself?
28:21Where are you from, Jack?
28:22Er, Kerry, in Ireland.
28:24Thank you for, thank you for explaining to me where Kerry is.
28:29I know you are, I know you are.
28:31He's horrified by the rest of them.
28:33He's explained to everyone else, but obviously, I'm like, oh, jeez, I haven't forgotten, you know?
28:37The good people in TLC.
28:38Jack getting a sly dig in there, Kerry, in Ireland, do you remember it, Jack?
28:44Jack, thank you very much.
28:45Er, what's your question, by the way?
28:47Er, I want to know, what is your best hack for living healthy?
28:50All right, you coming to me for that?
28:52Yeah, yeah.
28:52It feels like everything Jack says is a veiled attack.
28:57Hang on, hands so weak, you struggle to open packets of crisps.
29:04Sometimes I'll just be like, oh, I'll just have some lettuce.
29:08I find opening packets harder and harder.
29:12I don't know if I'm getting old or packets are getting stronger.
29:17They've run out of the, oh, the adhesive they used to use, make it stronger now.
29:21I know, is everybody, is it just me?
29:23Does nobody else find themselves carrying something on their chest?
29:26Yeah, it's just me.
29:27I figured it out.
29:29It didn't look like that.
29:30It didn't look like that.
29:31It looks like you needed somebody to help you and you're willing to do anything to get them to do
29:35it.
29:36Please, please open the back for it.
29:46Oh, please, strong French teenager, please.
29:54I don't think it's on Sunday when we're going to watch this, we won't now.
29:59That's really awkward, your first time, your first time in the room with Jean-Claude.
30:04We're going to watch this Jean-Claude, this is what I do professionally.
30:07Oh, OK, meanwhile, how did a julty...
30:14Tief.
30:15Is fucking Ireland slipping through?
30:18How did jule tief in Turkey make us...
30:22You know, the news now, the announcement has the Supreme Leader of North Korea...
30:28Do you know about his daughter?
30:31I'm being haunted by the Abrean girls.
30:35I can just see the faces of the Abrean girls coming down on me, like,
30:41why you do it, why you do it, like...
30:44I am an elder for acting work in the many Sky series I've made in Ireland.
30:48If you think that's bad, last week my wife and I watched all the episodes of Game of Thrones,
30:54back-to-back.
30:55Unfortunately, I wasn't the one facing the screen.
31:03My kids used to go to a school in Portsmouth, where most of the dads were in the Navy,
31:08and I had this chat once with this guy, just like a parent's evening,
31:12and I said, what do you do?
31:13And he said, I fly helicopters and I drive warships.
31:17And he said, what do you do?
31:19And I literally went, it doesn't matter.
31:24Of course, we should say for the record,
31:25Manson doesn't remember receiving those payments.
31:30Oh, Ben, he doesn't remember receiving...
31:32Yeah, he fucking doesn't, so shut up, mate.
31:35He's a good man chased at the end of the earth by an angry and jealous media.
31:39How dare... Honestly, sometimes, Peter, I think what you give to this country...
31:45I found out I was old last year.
31:48That really annoyed me, if you want something that really annoys me.
31:50Yeah, go on.
31:51I was in Amsterdam with my friends from university,
31:53and there was a drug dealer ahead of us, and he was going,
31:56cocaine, cocaine, cocaine, and he pointed at me and my friends and went,
31:59Viagra.
32:02I told my brother about this, and he's like, did you take it?
32:04I was like, no, we were on our way to Anne Frank's house.
32:10Well, no surprise in the... Oh, fucking hell.
32:15I've had so many kids since I last saw you, Rhys.
32:18Yeah. I've been breastfeeding so long,
32:19when I clear customs, I have to declare myself as dairy produce.
32:25I've had so many kids.
32:28Can I just say, having you say that in my eyes was a lifelong dream.
32:32LAUGHTER
32:35It's completely what? It's completely...
32:39Oh, say, alleged. OK, fine, OK.
32:41Obviously, everything we're saying is, are mere allegations.
32:50Obviously, what we're saying, it's all alleged.
32:54Maybe none of this happened.
32:56LAUGHTER
32:59Is he, uh, is he on Chat Beat G... Oh, I can't speak.
33:03LAUGHTER
33:03See, see, this is what our generation are.
33:05Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand, yeah.
33:07We've got what we call a Chat Beat GB.
33:09It's GB, isn't it, because it's Great Britain, isn't it?
33:11Yeah, yes. Chat GB, GMTV.
33:15LAUGHTER
33:16If you think that's bad, I once went to the shop to buy a cauliflower,
33:21but I accidentally bought a cabbage,
33:23and I peeled the whole cabbage looking for a cauliflower.
33:28LAUGHTER
33:33When the whole thing was gone, I still didn't get it.
33:37LAUGHTER
33:37Oh, no, I'll give it one more layer.
33:39I'll give it one more layer. It must be in here.
33:42And I really wish I was a good enough comedian to have made that up.
33:45LAUGHTER
33:47The next topic is...
33:49Unlikely road sign.
33:50Very embarrassing. Fully going to piss myself if I don't go to the loo right now.
33:53Then run to the loo right now, if you really...
33:55LAUGHTER
33:56I mean, you've made him vivid.
33:58I'll say it last, actually, yeah, it's got it.
34:01APPLAUSE
34:01Do you know what?
34:02I'm going to... I'm going to watch him.
34:04LAUGHTER
34:06Anyone want to ask a question?
34:07Anyone want to ask a question?
34:08Oh, there's somebody down there. Very, very good. Hi.
34:10What's your name?
34:11My name's Charlie.
34:12I'm going to do it again with the microphone there. Apologies, Charlie.
34:14What's your name?
34:15My name's Charlie.
34:16How are you, Charlie?
34:17Oh, sorry, the camera's not on you yet.
34:19So, for the third time, Charlie, I'm going to ask you again in a second.
34:22I apologise for that. OK, Grant?
34:23Erm, sorry, who are you?
34:24Charlie.
34:25My name's Charlie.
34:28OK.
34:31Done.
34:31You're negative. We're just going to hear you one more time.
34:33Oh, hi, how are you? What's your name?
34:34My name's Charlie.
34:35Sorry, Charlie, we're out of time.
34:40Oh, for fuck's sake.
34:41Can you all see the word allegedly and then they'll put it, they can edit it in?
34:45OK, that's true.
34:48Are you starting with Amanda?
34:50Allegedly.
34:52Allegedly.
34:55Allegedly.
34:58Allegedly.
34:59Allegedly.
35:03Allegedly!
35:04That is...
35:05That's how I say it.
35:06That's what Andrew would have wanted.
35:08No, no, no.
35:10OK, now we've got time for one more.
35:12Let's throw it open.
35:13Has anyone else got a question?
35:14Oh, there. OK, Grant.
35:15Thank you very much.
35:16What's your name?
35:16My name's Charlie.
35:18Charlie, you really fucked with the show here.
35:22It was all going really well and then Charlie came in like a fucking agent of chaos.
35:30Sarah.
35:32Will you marry fleet services?
35:38That one wasn't me.
35:41Why Sarah?
35:43Of all names.
35:45He said you want a boyfriend.
35:49Not you.
35:52Sorry to interrupt.
36:02OK, guess what we have to do again.
36:07I'll put it this way.
36:09Guess who's fucked it up for the fourth time.
36:15OK, now we've got time for one more.
36:17Let's throw it open.
36:18Has anyone else got a question?
36:19Not you, Charlie.
36:22Sorry.
36:22I saw a haircut you lifted.
36:27Frogs crossing.
36:28Or as some people call it, the channel tunnel.
36:34Do you think that's bad?
36:36I haven't married so long that I actually booked myself a prostate exam for Valentine's Day just to feel something.
36:41What happened in this?
36:47What did you think?
36:48What did you mean it become this?
36:51The gentle observations about life.
36:53This.
36:54That was a cry for a hell.
36:56Doctor.
36:57Do you think that's bad?
36:58I did my first shift as a prostate doctor this afternoon.
37:03Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.
37:13Now we come to scenes we'd like to see.
37:16So we're going to make the way over to the performance area.
37:19I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panels can come up with.
37:23OK, here we go.
37:23The first subject is unlikely slogans for British towns and cities.
37:29Glasgow, fucking hello!
37:36Swindon, city of culture.
37:39Unfortunately, it's mostly thrush.
37:44Clacton, don't worry, he's almost never here.
37:50Welcome to London and enjoy that phone while it lasts.
37:56Bristol, you don't have to live on a barge to look like you do.
38:03Welcome to Luton, or as EasyJet calls it, London.
38:10Why are we called Cockermouth?
38:12Oh, you'll find out.
38:17Canvey Island, in the world's best island rankings, we're still behind Epstein's one.
38:25Blackpool, because your nan had to be a slag somewhere.
38:32Ever wonder what Cambridge would be like if it didn't have a university?
38:35Discover Peterborough.
38:40Want to leave London but not give up your drug habits?
38:43Come to Margate.
38:47Come to Yorkshire, where we've got the word the down to a T.
38:56Bath, Jane Austen once lived here and we won't let you fucking forget it.
39:04Southampton, the people who left on the Titanic still feel like they made the right choice.
39:13Visit Portsmouth?
39:15No?
39:17Fair enough.
39:22Hereford, also for Himmerford.
39:37Welcome to Eton, Britain's cunt factory.
39:45Wet Wang, we're a real place.
39:47Genuinely, that's our name, Wet Wang.
39:49The whole reason we call it that is so people would come here and no one's coming here.
39:51What do we need to do?
39:53Wet Wang, we're not wet.
39:57Muff, we're a real place.
39:58Like, what do we have to do?
39:59We're actually called Muff.
40:02Finger in home, finger in home.
40:05We're in Essex, we're in the front of buses.
40:07Come on, guys.
40:09What's wrong with you?
40:15Shitstorm.
40:16It's not a place.
40:22Welcome to Kent.
40:23Oh, thanks.
40:24Not you.
40:26LAUGHTER
40:30OK, the next topic is chat-up lines that won't work.
40:36Having sex with me is like having a Happy Meal.
40:38I come with a little toy.
40:45Can you iron?
40:53Sorry, I'm a bit of an anxious nail-biter. I didn't hurt your toes, did I?
41:00If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U next to I, and then a T in the middle, because
41:08I've got cystitis.
41:11LAUGHTER
41:13The room just lit up when you walked in.
41:16I think they have motion-sensitive switches.
41:20LAUGHTER
41:25Girl, are you a watermelon?
41:27Because I want to take you back to my place and then feel too overwhelmed to do anything with you.
41:33LAUGHTER
41:38My ex-girlfriend used to call me the horse on account of my massive, uh, ketamine problem.
41:46I would take the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes.
41:50That noise, that's Dara Breen crying because the stars are in the wrong place.
41:56LAUGHTER
42:00Wow. God must have taken the day off after making you, because you seem like a lot of work.
42:06LAUGHTER
42:12Hey, girl, are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see.
42:16No? Well, then, are you from Pennsylvania? Because you've made my Pencil-vania.
42:19I'm so sorry.
42:27Forgive me, forgive me.
42:29Risa has actually tried that one on me.
42:33Yeah, I am a high-flying PR executive.
42:36I'm launching a new client's fragrance.
42:38What do you think of just Andrew?
42:43Look, I don't care that you have a son.
42:46I... Yeah, I know, Risa.
42:47LAUGHTER
42:55I would ask you back to my place, but it seems a bit soon.
42:58I only escaped this morning.
43:03Did you fall from heaven and it wasn't your fault?
43:07You might be eligible for compensation.
43:11I'm not wearing any deodorant.
43:14LAUGHTER
43:17Hey, girl, is that a Snapchat filter, or are you an actual dog?
43:22LAUGHTER
43:24Hey, are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see.
43:27No? Well, then, are you from Virginia?
43:30Because you should have this Vir-gin-ia.
43:32LAUGHTER
43:37Come on, don't be silly. You pay.
43:40LAUGHTER
43:42If I could rearrange the alphabet.
43:45Chee-li-wa-du-wa-li-la-wa.
43:49LAUGHTER
43:53Sorry, I know this is so cheesy, but I haven't showered in a while.
43:58LAUGHTER
44:00All your underwear must be lucky underwear, because it gets to touch your...
44:04Ah, she's gone.
44:04She's gone.
44:08You know, they call me the stallion.
44:10At weekends, I get whipped by small men while Clare Balding commentates.
44:14LAUGHTER
44:17How many comedians can you squeeze into nine seconds?
44:20Glen Moore, Rhys James, Zoe Lyons, Ed Byrne, Sarah Pascoe, Emmanuel Sanubi,
44:23and me, Dara Breen. Easy, done.
44:25Mock the Week, Sunday at 9 on TLC.
44:28BUZZER
44:38I know I'd watch it.
44:40LAUGHTER
44:45I don't think that's what you're doing.
44:47What do you mean cranium osteopathy?
44:50Don't do that!
44:51LAUGHTER
44:51You fuzzed it all up now.
44:54LAUGHTER
44:54The news keeps happening, so we keep mocking it,
44:57because pretending it isn't there hasn't worked.
45:00Don't miss Mock the Week with me, Dara O'Brien.
45:04And we can all just go fuck ourselves.
45:06LAUGHTER
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