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Taskmaster - S20E05 - Bats Bats Hang Up [Full Movie] [Hot 2026]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:01Oh, no!
00:05Hello?
00:12Hey!
00:18Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.
00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:33Hello! Welcome!
00:35Welcome to Taskmaster, a fun entertainment show
00:38in the same way that Chairman Mayer was a chilled-out wacky uncle.
00:45Let's take a great leap forward into fun!
00:49Please welcome...
00:50Anya Magliano!
00:53Maziana!
00:55Ben Ellis!
00:58Reece Shearsmith!
00:59And Sandy Baskar!
01:04And next to me, a man who thinks that men should be men
01:07and women should be physically jacked up enough
01:10to be able to lift those men.
01:16It's...
01:17He likes a henchwoman.
01:18Little Alan Tone!
01:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:25So, I've got my special hat.
01:26It's my favourite hat.
01:27It's a bucket hat.
01:28Yeah.
01:29With our faces on.
01:30Yeah, nice.
01:30And inside, my bucket list.
01:32And my bucket hat.
01:34And the good news is, sort of good news, bad news,
01:35I've almost finished it, so not much to live for any more,
01:38but...
01:38Almost done.
01:40I've touched a horse.
01:41I've touched a motorbike.
01:42I've done most of them now.
01:43Three left.
01:44I've still got to find an emerald,
01:46sell the emerald on the black market and buy a speedboat
01:48and then I'm done.
01:50Yeah, OK.
01:52So, what's the punchline?
01:53There's no...
01:54Well...
01:55The punchline to this bit is,
01:56find an emerald,
01:58sell it on the black market,
01:59buy a speedboat.
01:59Buy a speedboat.
02:00Yeah.
02:04I guess I could try and...
02:06Oh...
02:07There's an emerald, right?
02:09There's an emerald!
02:11Oh...
02:11I found an emerald!
02:15Well, that's my bit done.
02:16Yeah, that's a good bit.
02:17That's it.
02:18Price task.
02:19Please, my little whippet.
02:22I'll...
02:22I'll whip it in a minute,
02:23you cheeky mink.
02:26So, the prize task category is...
02:29A possession that would most confuse a future archaeologist
02:33if you were buried holding it.
02:36Five points for the best possession,
02:38four new possessions for the winner.
02:40And now it's back to flirty-bertie.
02:45Amazing.
02:45What thing did you bring in?
02:46I thought it would be good to be buried with a defining piece of literature.
02:51Er, so I've got it here, as you see, written with Egyptian hieroglyphs.
02:55There's the front cover.
02:56And inside it looks like this.
02:57Hmm.
02:58Er, what will be confusing for the people that eventually translate it
03:01is that this isn't actually an ancient Egyptian piece of literature.
03:05Er, it's the Amanda Holden autobiography.
03:07LAUGHTER
03:10No Holding Back.
03:11Yes, it is.
03:12And it is a genuine translation into hieroglyphs of that work.
03:16LAUGHTER
03:16Is the title No Holden Back, she's put...
03:19No, no, no, you'd think it would be.
03:21Yes.
03:22No, this is just No Holding Back.
03:25And you've converted it into Egyptian hieroglyphics?
03:27Into Egyptian hieroglyphics.
03:28Jesus Christ.
03:30Mosey, this is excellent.
03:31Phil, what have you brought in to confuse an archaeologist?
03:34Yes, erm, it's a photograph of myself.
03:36And here it is.
03:37There we go.
03:38What?!
03:39LAUGHTER
03:41You're on the right.
03:42LAUGHTER
03:44I think it's my 12th birthday.
03:46Er, the thing is, we didn't have a dog.
03:48I have no idea who that is.
03:50No idea who it is.
03:52So, why do you think it's going to confuse an archaeologist?
03:55Congratulations.
03:56So, they're going to think, is it a couple?
03:59LAUGHTER
04:00I reckon they'd find it confusing, but equally...
04:03I don't think they would, Phil.
04:04I think any archaeologist who finds this goes,
04:07well, here's just a picture of a weird kid.
04:09It's a dog.
04:11Now then, Rhys, how are you going to confuse an archaeologist?
04:14I, erm, thought it would be unusual to be buried with something
04:17that could be...
04:19Well, you can't quite work out what it is,
04:21whether it's an omen, a portent, a curse,
04:25so I came up with being buried with this.
04:29LAUGHTER
04:30It's a mirror with the words,
04:32is this you on it?
04:33So, they'll open it up,
04:35they'll be like, like that,
04:36and they'll go, snap the bones to the other door.
04:38And they're looking at themselves,
04:39but they don't quite know what the message means.
04:41Did I do it?
04:41Is it me?
04:42Is it me?
04:42Is it meant for them?
04:43Am I?
04:44Is it just a mirror with Tippex on it?
04:46LAUGHTER
04:48There have been quite a few examples of mirrors
04:50found at burial sites.
04:51Oh, right.
04:51And it has confused archaeologists in that part.
04:54No-one knows quite why they were buried with them.
04:56Amanda Holden said she'd want to be buried with her mobile phone
04:59in case she wasn't dead, then she could use Insta.
05:03Anya, what have you got?
05:04I brought in limited-edition jelly beans.
05:09Yes, she made them.
05:10They look...
05:11LAUGHTER
05:12...like this.
05:15Dual-flavoured jelly beans.
05:17I did it all by hand.
05:19Cutting in half jelly beans, sticking them back together.
05:21So, yeah, I didn't actually think of using scissors.
05:23Right.
05:24About halfway through, my partner said you could use a knife.
05:27What were you using?
05:28What were you using?
05:28I was using my teeth, yeah.
05:31LAUGHTER
05:32I was sticking them back together.
05:33Some of them just went naturally,
05:35and then some of them needed a bit of lubrication from the old tongue.
05:39Oh!
05:40So, you think the archaeologists are going,
05:42oh, there's some jelly beans here.
05:44Wait a minute!
05:46LAUGHTER
05:46They've been bitten in half by some mad woman!
05:50LAUGHTER
05:50Oh, please, this is really nice that I did this.
05:54Anya, I'm telling you now, I've written down Anya one point.
05:57LAUGHTER
05:58I haven't even heard everyone.
06:00LAUGHTER
06:00Can I just say, the mind is like a parachute,
06:03it works best when it's open.
06:05LAUGHTER
06:06You may...
06:07You may say that.
06:10Sanjeev is all to play for here.
06:12Well, this would be more confusing
06:14if someone else was found buried with it.
06:16OK, this is what Sanjeev has brought in.
06:18Oh!
06:18LAUGHTER
06:19So, that is a sample of urine.
06:22LAUGHTER
06:23So, now, someone else found buried
06:26holding a sample of my urine.
06:28Yeah, OK.
06:29And a pet treat gun.
06:32OK!
06:32A pet treat gun?
06:33Yeah.
06:34It launches treats into the air for the...
06:36Yeah, and then the creature jumps up and bites it.
06:38The creature...
06:39LAUGHTER
06:41You know, the gorilla, like beef.
06:43You're a big dog lover, Rhys.
06:45LAUGHTER
06:46Is there a link between the dog catcher and the urine?
06:50You're the archaeologist who told me.
06:52LAUGHTER
06:52I think he's made his point very well, though.
06:55Well, shall we deal with Anya first?
06:56Yeah, Anya, one point.
06:57Oh.
06:58Dog boy.
06:59LAUGHTER
07:00Let's give him two.
07:01Two to Phil. Well done, Phil.
07:02Let's give the mirror three.
07:04I'm going to give four points to Sanjeev.
07:07Oh.
07:07So, five points to Maisie!
07:09Well done, Maisie Ellen!
07:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:14Right, on we go.
07:16What have you got for me, Alex?
07:17Well, Greg, why don't you have a good old yank on this?
07:19LAUGHTER
07:36Hi.
07:40Anya.
07:41Hello.
07:41You blend in.
07:42To what? To the wall?
07:44Yeah.
07:44You look like the wall.
07:46Looks like an obstacle course of some kind.
07:48Yeah, quite an expensive one.
07:56Impressive.
07:58Pull something from that red-green
08:01onto this red-green using this string.
08:06Throughout your pull, you must remain on this red-green.
08:09Your thing must travel through or over all the obstacles.
08:14The biggest thing pulled onto this red-green
08:18wins.
08:19You have 15 minutes and one attempt.
08:22Your time starts now.
08:24OK, let me just have a look.
08:25Let me just walk the course.
08:27Like, in golf.
08:30Very good.
08:32Urine.
08:33Didn't expect that.
08:35Yep.
08:37OK, so these are the things that...
08:40I can choose?
08:41No, that's a rhino.
08:42That's going to be firing balls at your thing.
08:44Oh.
08:45OK.
08:47APPLAUSE
08:52Well, I don't think we need to mess around.
08:54Let's fire balls.
08:56That's a salt course.
08:57We start by watching Anya, Maisie and Rhys pulling on a thread.
09:00Here we go.
09:01Put a little person on that, maybe.
09:03Oh, that's lovely.
09:04Oh.
09:05I think he's going to go on there.
09:10Yeah.
09:11Nice, nice.
09:12Those are good wheels.
09:13Fuck off.
09:18That's pretty big.
09:19It's going to look like a baby.
09:21You're going to be dragging a baby through the obstacles.
09:23Yeah, it's like a metaphor for giving birth.
09:25Is it?
09:35Right, I'm doing it.
09:36Pulling.
09:38She's ready.
09:41So it's a steady pull of a pig.
09:43Yeah.
09:43Steady pig pull.
09:44Pull pork.
09:49Stop firing balls at my baby.
09:52If you had a doctor firing tennis balls as you were pulling it out of your...
09:56Are you allowed to say vagina on this show?
09:59Yeah, you can say vagina if you want.
10:00Vagina?
10:02Why is it going over to the other side?
10:05I specifically put the wheels so that it would come to me.
10:08It's going toward the rhino.
10:10Oh, come on.
10:12I don't understand what's happening with it.
10:14Oh, no.
10:15Alex, please, if you could help me out a little bit.
10:20Oh, thank you.
10:24Oh!
10:25Striking the pig.
10:28You on the bridge?
10:32I think you might have to drag him.
10:33I'm going to drag him.
10:34You have a minute and a half.
10:36OK.
10:38We have movement.
10:41Fuck off, Rhino.
10:43She's through the door.
10:45Don't lose your momentum.
10:47OK.
11:00I could cry.
11:02Can I go?
11:03Yes.
11:03Thanks.
11:05It survived the saloon doors.
11:07What is a cervix if not a set of saloon doors?
11:11LAUGHTER
11:13Uh-oh.
11:15Oh, no!
11:16She's caught on the ledge of the womb.
11:18I was going to snap.
11:19OK.
11:19What would you like me to do?
11:20Could you lift it higher, please?
11:23Yeah.
11:25Yeah, that worked.
11:26Final push.
11:29Congratulations.
11:30But I will have to tell Greg what I did.
11:32You were the midwife.
11:33LAUGHTER
11:38No!
11:39Oh!
11:41He snapped!
11:42It's failed in its failure.
11:43Can I go and tie it?
11:45No.
11:45I'm going to do it.
11:46I don't care.
11:47OK.
11:48Come on.
11:49Oh, no.
11:50Come on!
11:54I'm just doing it round its neck.
11:55Yeah.
11:56Come on!
11:58Oh, the scarecrows.
12:00Oh, it's locked.
12:04LAUGHTER
12:10Well done.
12:12So easy.
12:13Sorry about the sheep.
12:19You're a lot angrier than I imagined you to be, Maisie,
12:22before you came on the show.
12:23It's like a red mist that descends.
12:26And I've got points to bring up, by the way.
12:28You had assistants, you re-tied your knots.
12:31It said, stay on your green, pull something onto the green.
12:34It didn't say you couldn't get help, did it, in the task?
12:36Well, it's...
12:37I can't just, like, open the envelope and then ring people
12:40and be like, can you come and help me?
12:41Well, unless it says you can't do that.
12:44You can.
12:47All the information is on the task.
12:49Fuck off, Greg!
12:52Who would you have run and how would they have helped?
12:54My friend Jordan, he lives not too far from where...
12:57You know Jordan?
12:58Yeah.
12:58I like her.
13:02I don't mean I'd have run Katie Price.
13:04No?
13:05Why wouldn't you not have run Katie Price?
13:06I don't think she would have been best suited to the...
13:08We're getting off topic.
13:10What?
13:12My rope snapped and I accepted it and walked off.
13:16You've had your baby lifted up by him.
13:18I like torn.
13:19And then you've gone and...
13:22You've come off your green to go and re-tie them.
13:25That's right.
13:25Yet somehow I'm the knobhead for not ringing Katie Price.
13:31That saves me something else.
13:34Anya, this is one of those moments where a person's time on Taskmaster
13:39will be defined by one moment and I've asked Alex to capture it.
13:43Yes.
13:43Oh, God.
13:44This is you, Anya.
13:45A vagina.
13:48I don't think I've ever said it like that before in my life.
13:52She did well.
13:54Whatever Maisie might think, she stuck to the rules.
13:57Eh?
13:58I can't see a rule that Anya broke.
14:01Well, you lifted out her object out the pool.
14:05Yes, because...
14:05Because Anya asked him to and it doesn't say in the task that you
14:09shouldn't ask.
14:10It just seems like you're maybe not OK asking other people for help.
14:18That is such a beautiful moment on this show.
14:21We're talking about a task given to one competitor and now
14:26we're like, oh...
14:27Yes, I'll keep your nose out.
14:29What are we?
14:30It's got nothing to do with you, what happened?
14:32What happened?
14:32It's got nothing to do with you.
14:33Thank you, Rhys.
14:35It's got nothing to do with you.
14:35We haven't even gone through down all the fight in the inside.
14:38The fight in again.
14:39The fight in again.
14:39We've had enough of it.
14:41OK, I do love the way that you're contributing to the session.
14:55Well, that rage brings us on to your attempt very nicely, I think.
14:59I thought I was quite calm for me.
15:01I thought the madness kicked in when Alex suggested you drag the pig and you said,
15:06I'm going to drag him!
15:09And then you did, I think, Ā£500 worth of damage by throwing a sheep at a scam.
15:13Yeah, they were costly.
15:15Yeah.
15:17OK, sorry.
15:20All right, we're going to stop for break number one.
15:23Time to book a holiday.
15:25Might as well.
15:26There won't be any party islands left soon.
15:28Just one big ocean ruled by a man with gills.
15:31Bye!
15:41Hello, everybody, and welcome back to Taskmaster.
15:43Before the break, we had a string thing going on.
15:46Yes, I suppose we did, because the contestants were battling it out
15:49in a war of tugs.
15:51There are just two muscle-bound guys left to pull the biggest object
15:55from one circle to the other.
15:56Are we still on tugs?
15:58It's our Victorian muscle man, Phil Ellis,
16:01and the world's strongest Sanjeev Bhaskar.
16:07This is interesting.
16:14Taking the Reiner out of the equation.
16:18Big and light.
16:20Come on, then.
16:21Well, I...
16:22I'm not sure you'll be able to pull me.
16:24Well, you've got to have some give.
16:25I mean, you've got legs, haven't you?
16:28Here's a big old boy!
16:29Ow, fuck!
16:32That looks so grim, didn't it?
16:35You were trying to tug me like a dog in a lead.
16:37Well, I wouldn't put it like that.
16:38I mean, look, I mean...
16:39Listen, I could put it round your neck.
16:41I mean, that's...
16:42But I'm not going to.
16:44Right, I'm just going to tie this gently round your neck.
16:50I didn't even expect to see that this morning when they went for a fly.
16:54Good?
16:56Well, that's no good, is it?
16:57I mean, you didn't help at all then, did you?
16:59Ten minutes left.
17:00I'll give you some money.
17:02Twenty quid.
17:07Twenty quid.
17:08Oh, normally you go up on the second one.
17:11Well, I'll go 25.
17:13OK. Have you got the money?
17:14No, not on me.
17:16How long have I got?
17:17Three minutes thirty.
17:18Perfect.
17:21Give Bernard a chance.
17:23OK, I've got a few things here.
17:25I mean, that's obviously got a handle on it.
17:27Yeah, I like that.
17:27Yeah, that's good.
17:28I just want you just to protect your head.
17:31Right.
17:31As well.
17:32Right.
17:34Here we go.
17:37Oh.
17:39We're off. I'm feeling a tug.
17:40Come on, Bernard!
17:43Come on, boy!
17:44Doesn't look happy.
17:44Come on.
17:45Let's get you to that glue factory, pal.
17:48I know what it's like.
17:49And what the hell was that?
17:50That's the rhino firing balls at himself.
17:52Don't do it!
17:53There's only three of you left.
17:56Whoo!
17:57Whoo!
17:58Good use of shield.
18:06Come on, Bernard!
18:07I'm going to put a small child on your back and charge the money for the privilege.
18:11You've got one minute.
18:14Nice work, Alex.
18:16Nice and steady.
18:19Come on, Bernard!
18:20He's doing all right, isn't he?
18:21Hey!
18:22There's not much pleasure you get in life that could beat dragging a lifeless horse over a child's paddling pool.
18:31What happens here, Sanjeev?
18:33I mean, feel free to duck.
18:34I can't.
18:34Oh, can't you?
18:38How long have I got?
18:39Three...
18:39Oh, God, don't speak.
18:42How's that?
18:44Pretty good, isn't it?
18:50Excellent!
18:51Oh!
18:53Well done.
18:54Safe and sound.
18:55Helpful, Alex.
18:5625 quid.
18:57And that.
19:05Did you receive the Ā£25 from Sanjeev?
19:09No.
19:13I didn't have it on me then, but I do now.
19:18Because I made sure...
19:21So I didn't know when the task was on.
19:22But every show I've been...
19:24Oh, did you?
19:25I've been carrying this around.
19:28I've been able to do it.
19:34Are you all right with this?
19:35No, no.
19:37Are you all right with this?
19:38I think I may get enough points that I can be all right with it.
19:44I'm over.
19:46LAUGHTER
19:47Phil, you've got incredibly emotionally attached to an inanimate object.
19:52Genuinely sweet.
19:53Well, I've never been involved in any kind of teamwork
19:55or someone would say long-term friendship.
19:58So...
19:59You finally look where you can.
20:00You make your own friends.
20:01Exactly.
20:02Size-wise, it was about the size of the objects that made it over.
20:06Yeah.
20:06Sanjeev's was the size of a baby, I suppose.
20:09Sanjeev's was the same size as me.
20:11Weirdly, Phil's horse was the same size as you.
20:13Oh, yeah.
20:14It's 4.8 cubic feet, which famously you are.
20:17I think there's no doubt that Phil wins the task and gets five points.
20:20I think what a great task as well I'd like to see.
20:24Are you happy that Sanjeev dragged me to the other end?
20:26I'm afraid I am.
20:27Four points to Sanjeev.
20:28Well done.
20:29Are you happy that Anya, with some help, got the baby to the other end?
20:33I am.
20:34Three points to Anjeev.
20:35OK.
20:36So, I guess rules-wise, zero points to Maisie.
20:38And Rhys?
20:39He didn't complete the task, he broke the rules, so he can't have any points either.
20:42So, 0-0, but Phil Ellis is the winner of the task of five points!
20:45Hello, Maisie!
20:50Can we see the scores, please?
20:52Yes, well, I can tell you that was the first time that Phil has won a task so far.
20:56Yes!
20:56Well done, Phil!
21:00And what a task to win as well.
21:02Oh, I know.
21:03And just by following the rules...
21:06It means, Phil, you're in second place, but in the lead with eight points,
21:09it's Sanjeev Bhaskar!
21:13Shall we have another task?
21:15Ah, yes.
21:16Now, would you...?
21:17I don't want to make things tricky, but do you mind if I just...?
21:21Do you...? Yeah.
21:22Would that be all right if I just...?
21:23Yeah.
21:23Just...?
21:25Oh.
21:31OK, happy?
21:32Yeah.
21:34You?
21:35Not as happy as you.
21:37No.
21:39OK, well, here we go.
21:52Yeah.
21:53Yeah.
21:55Sanjeev!
21:58Nothing for me.
21:59OK.
22:00Have a seat.
22:04No, go on.
22:06Are you sure?
22:07Yeah.
22:08I mean, we're both meant to. Should we both try it?
22:09Yes, let's.
22:11You look like you're about to do a duet.
22:13I know.
22:15Let's go one cheek each.
22:16I've got a tiny arse, to be honest, I can probably do this.
22:23Oh, it's awkward, I'm not getting cramped.
22:26Make things genuinely awkward.
22:29Most genuine awkwardness wins.
22:31You have 20 minutes.
22:32Your time starts now.
22:35That's really hard.
22:37Wait, wait, for who? For who?
22:38It doesn't have to be for us.
22:41We can make Alex awkward.
22:46What are you doing?
22:49Just turn the light.
22:50Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:51Yeah.
22:51It's really awkward.
22:53Can we just ask you some more questions?
22:58So, you know...
22:59Alex, just look away, I'm going to start taking my clothes off.
23:02Alex, look at me, I'm about to start taking my clothes off.
23:04Oh, you want me to look at you?
23:06Yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:06Not look at you, right.
23:07Who do you think is the funniest, me or you?
23:11Alex, who's funnier and who has been funnier?
23:15Have you two?
23:15Yeah.
23:16Oh, that's difficult.
23:17Is it awkward?
23:18For me, no.
23:19No, maybe it's been funnier.
23:29I can't wait to see the horrors of what you've got planned.
23:34I was immediately awkward by everything that happened in that,
23:37but I know it gets worse.
23:38Well, let's see the first team's attempt,
23:40and slightly awkwardly, it's the team of two,
23:43with Sir Shearsmith and Madam Adam.
23:49Thank you, everyone, for coming to Josh's memorial.
23:55As my son, he was obviously the apple of my eye, and we had such high hopes for him.
24:01And one of the teachers that always used to inspire him was Miss Reuben, Miss Reuben's here,
24:07who has very kindly agreed to say a few words about Josh.
24:14I'll just go now.
24:15OK.
24:16Thanks so much.
24:20So, um...
24:21Yeah, it's, um...
24:22What was your name, sorry?
24:24Alex.
24:25Alex, Alex.
24:26My son was Josh.
24:27Yeah, yeah.
24:28Yeah, yeah.
24:29So, as Alex has just said, I was fortunate enough to teach Jack...
24:36Josh.
24:37Josh.
24:38A lively character.
24:40Not now, obviously.
24:41But, um, frankly, we had quite a few cleverer kids in the class.
24:50Um, in fact, I used to say cleverer, and then he'd put his hand up and go,
24:53cleverer's not a word, actually!
24:55Um, which did used to rile me up.
24:58Just one of those people that thought you were smarter than he is.
25:00I'm not sure.
25:01And I always used to think, like, you know, like father, like son.
25:04Cos I remember you from a lot of parents' evenings.
25:07You never lost faith.
25:08I'll give that to you.
25:09You would always go, oh, it's in there somewhere.
25:11And it wasn't.
25:12It was never there.
25:13It wasn't.
25:13And I tried, so...
25:16But thanks again for coming.
25:17Thanks again for coming.
25:18And God bless...
25:21..us all.
25:22Now my wife would like to say a few words.
25:24You know my wife, don't you?
25:25Yeah, I do know your wife.
25:26Cos I've seen you both together.
25:28Oh!
25:31Thank you for coming.
25:32Right.
25:33I'm leaving.
25:34OK.
25:34My own son's memorial.
25:35Cheers.
25:36That's Alex, Josh's dad there.
25:39Um, cake is served in the, um...
25:44..by the font.
25:47Wow.
25:52It was pretty strong, I thought.
25:54Yeah.
25:54Pretty excruciating.
25:55So they left the room.
25:56They just decided to do some improv about a funeral,
25:59came back in, so they didn't know what they were going to say,
26:01and it was tense in the room.
26:02And the teacher was having a...
26:04..a lesbian affair?
26:06Mm-hm.
26:07Well...
26:07We think so.
26:08We...
26:08We think so.
26:11Our idea was to do bad improv,
26:14because there's nothing worse or more awkward than...
26:18..improv when it's bad.
26:19Oh, I just thought you were bad at improv, but...
26:22LAUGHTER
26:23We're at the halfway point of the episode.
26:25Advert time.
26:27What are you going to do about it?
26:28Who are you looking at?
26:29Shut up.
26:38Hello, and welcome back to the start of part three.
26:40Things were awkward before the break,
26:42and it's not about to get any less awkward now, is it, Alex?
26:44That's right.
26:45Most genuine awkwardness wins,
26:47and now it's time for the team of three,
26:48who, let's face it, are awkward just to look at.
26:51It's Anya, Phil and Sanjeev.
26:55Oh, you're back.
26:56Thanks, would you mind just come in and sit there?
26:58Just have a seat.
27:00If you could just grab that.
27:04Do I need this?
27:04No, you don't need that.
27:09Thank you, Sanjeev.
27:10Hello, Anya.
27:13It's better for us if you're just honest.
27:16You know, which one of us would you rather have sex with?
27:26Your answer here would either make you a racist or a sexist.
27:31So...
27:32Bearing in mind I'm 15.
27:36How old are you, Sanjeev?
27:38I'm older than 15.
27:39I'll have sex with you, Sanjeev.
27:41I think that's sexist.
27:43Because, I mean, during the week,
27:45you were very happy to kind of contemplate the bits.
27:48My body.
27:48Yeah, exactly.
27:50You remember what you called my hole?
27:54It was French.
27:56Sound French.
27:56Was it Les Coles, a school?
27:58You called my bumhole a school.
28:01Wow.
28:02We've got...
28:03We have got another thing you could help us with
28:04to maybe make it feel better,
28:07which is that you could wash our baby.
28:09I don't mind washing your baby.
28:11OK.
28:11Excellent.
28:13Baby, it's so dirty.
28:24Right.
28:24Don't like that.
28:26Please be thorough.
28:27Thorough.
28:33Do your knees.
28:36Are you still dirty?
28:38Baby hungry.
28:39No, no, no.
28:39Baby hungry.
28:41Baby hungry.
28:45I'm 43.
28:55Go to sleep.
28:57I'm 43.
28:59Yeah, I'm 46.
29:09I mean, what's wrong with you?
29:10Oh, jeez.
29:15The word hole...
29:18The word hole was horrible.
29:20But I wasn't expected to be...
29:23OK.
29:23...to be an anal sex friend.
29:26Yeah, it was not the vagina.
29:30Yeah.
29:30This is going to be a challenge for the children's version of this show.
29:35I would argue you can't show footage of a grown man sucking from another man's teeth.
29:43We did not plan that bit.
29:45No.
29:45But they left me on my own.
29:46Oh, was that spontaneous, that?
29:48I panicked.
29:51We're all too very aware that you've played the very short version of what happened.
29:55LAUGHTER
29:57Erm, I mean, I'm horrified by both teams' efforts.
30:00But I would give one more point to the team of three.
30:03So I would give them five points and the team of two, four points.
30:07There we go.
30:07Well done, both teams.
30:08Well done, both teams.
30:10All to start.
30:12Right, let's have another task, Alex.
30:14Sure.
30:15And guess who forgot where he put the paintbrushes?
30:19MUSIC
30:38Ooh, hello.
30:41Hello Anya.
30:42How are you?
30:44Er, tickety-boo?
30:45Yeah.
30:47Erm, I'm well, if you're bothered.
30:49No, I'm just here to record what happens.
30:51Right.
30:53Do the most accurate finger-painting of the person on the other end of the phone.
30:59You may only use four-letter words when speaking to them.
31:03And every other reply will be a lie.
31:07You have a total of ten minutes.
31:09Your time starts when the phone rings.
31:11Good luck.
31:12OK.
31:14PHONE RINGS
31:15And we're off.
31:16PHONE RINGS
31:18Erm, hello?
31:19PHONE RINGS
31:21Hi-hi!
31:23APPLAUSE
31:24Hi-hi!
31:28Four-letter word seems an unusually cruel rule.
31:31It's tricky.
31:32It's tricky.
31:32Very tricky.
31:33I don't think there's much to discuss.
31:34Let's just crack on and do some finger-painting.
31:36Yes.
31:36The person they are painting can only say the truth every other answer.
31:41First to finger-paint are Anya and Sanjeev.
31:45PHONE RINGS
31:47Hiya.
31:48Hello.
31:49Hello.
31:50How are you?
31:51Er, fine.
31:54Erm...
31:55Er...
31:55Cool.
31:57Er...
31:58Cool?
31:59I'm cool, yeah.
32:00Great.
32:02What...
32:03Er...
32:04Head?
32:06I do have a head.
32:08Face?
32:09I do have a face, yes.
32:11Chin?
32:11Er, I have three chins.
32:15That's...
32:15OK.
32:16A little more complicated than I thought.
32:20Size?
32:21Nose?
32:22Er, I don't have a nose.
32:23They don't have a nose.
32:24Oh, that's a lie.
32:25We're narrowing this down.
32:26Er, name?
32:28Er, John.
32:30John.
32:32So, this is something that I do want to know.
32:37Sexy?
32:38Er, very.
32:41Very.
32:42Very.
32:42And that's true.
32:44John?
32:45No, my name's not John.
32:46My name's Andrew.
32:48OK.
32:49Er, John?
32:50Hi, yes.
32:51My name's John.
32:52Erm, hair?
32:54Er, no, I'm bald.
32:55Oh.
32:56Hair?
32:57Er, yes, I do have hair.
32:59Are you working out a tactic here?
33:01Not really.
33:02What am I doing?
33:05What, where, use?
33:08Yeah.
33:08Like you, straight from work.
33:11Straight from the kitchen.
33:12So, I do think they're in a chef outfit.
33:13Any idea what John's wearing?
33:15No, I can't find another word in my head for clothes.
33:20Mess upon your garb?
33:24No, I wouldn't say suit.
33:26Suit?
33:27I'm not wearing a suit, no.
33:28Suit?
33:28Er, yes, I am wearing a suit.
33:31Long hand?
33:32Er, yeah, I do have a long hand.
33:34Oh, that's a lie.
33:35Oh, shoe size?
33:37Er, small.
33:39Small.
33:39He's got small feet with his short hands, has he?
33:42Sounds like a right catch.
33:45Ring?
33:46No, I wouldn't say so.
33:54You haven't said anything to John for a minute now.
33:56I can't multitask.
33:58That's the problem.
33:59Ah, wrong show.
34:00You're going to have to hang up on John in a second.
34:02Any final words?
34:03Erm, love?
34:07You...
34:08I do love.
34:11I think we had a real connection there.
34:13Bats.
34:16Bats.
34:17I love bats.
34:20Excellent.
34:22Right, well, thank you so much, Sandy.
34:24Thank you very much for that.
34:26Ah!
34:27You're kidding!
34:29Oh, my God.
34:36Were you behind me the whole time?
34:38Yeah.
34:40Ah!
34:46What did you mean?
34:47Bats.
34:49Bats?
34:51Yeah, I mean, it didn't mean anything other than bats.
34:52It was a minute and a half of silence, then bats, bats, hang out.
34:57Anya just seemed to be on a dating app, as far as I could.
35:01It looked like...
35:01I think I looked like I was on a dating app,
35:03and then I say this with the utmost respect to Sanjeev,
35:06it looked like he was a person getting scammed.
35:10LAUGHTER
35:13We can see Anyas and Sanjeev while we're on the subject of them.
35:16So, Anya drew this.
35:18Not...
35:19Not terrible.
35:20The right sort of clothing.
35:22The gentleman is here.
35:23That's pretty good.
35:24The essence of the show.
35:25It's surprisingly all right, isn't it?
35:27Flip over to Sanjeev.
35:29Bats, bats!
35:30Oh, my God!
35:31You see the bat?
35:32I think if you took his hat off, I don't think that's too far off.
35:35Well, let's have a look at him.
35:36It's not a million miles...
35:37It's not as far as I thought it'd be.
35:38Well, it's a man.
35:41Both better than I thought they would be.
35:43Right.
35:44One part to go.
35:45Who will amass the points needed to stand victorious on the stage?
35:49Sanjeev's second urine sample of the series is not going to win itself!
35:58APPLAUSE
36:02Hello!
36:04It's the final part of the show and we've gone back to preschool for some finger painting.
36:08Yes, Mr Davis, they're trying to paint the man on the other end of the phone,
36:11in the phone box that was directly behind them.
36:14Remember, they may only use four-letter words when speaking to him
36:17and every other reply will be a lie.
36:20Remember that.
36:21Maisie, Phil and Rhys.
36:23Remember that.
36:29Hello?
36:30Well, they won't reply to that.
36:31Hiya.
36:32Hello.
36:35Erm...
36:35Face?
36:37I do have a face, yes.
36:39Nice face.
36:41I've actually got a pretty ugly face, to be honest.
36:44Oh, OK.
36:45Sorry to hear that.
36:49Erm...
36:55Name.
36:57Andrew.
37:01Am I expected to know this, Andrew?
37:03You expected a painting?
37:05Hair.
37:06I don't have any hair.
37:09Eyes.
37:11I do have eyes.
37:13Blue?
37:14They are blue, yes.
37:15Ah.
37:17We're off.
37:17We're off.
37:18We're off.
37:19Eyes blue?
37:20My eyes are not blue.
37:22They're hazel.
37:23Right.
37:24I don't even think that's a colour.
37:26That's grey.
37:27How have I got grey from green and red?
37:29You don't have to answer that, they weren't four-letter words.
37:31It's just nice to know you're there.
37:32High nose?
37:33Have...
37:33Have...
37:34Have high nose?
37:35Er...
37:36Yes, high.
37:37Blue nose?
37:38I also have a blue nose, yes.
37:40You have a blue nose?
37:41Oh, come on.
37:42This is Papa Smurf.
37:44Hair?
37:45I do have hair, yes.
37:46Lots?
37:47No, I'm bald.
37:48You just said you had hair, mate.
37:51I was going to ask him if he had big ears, but...
37:55If I'd have said ears, he wouldn't know that.
37:56I mean, size, would he?
38:02I've got small ears.
38:04Oh, I've got big ones.
38:06Body?
38:07I do have a body, yes.
38:09Bigs?
38:11Er, yes, large.
38:12He's got a bigs body, doesn't he?
38:14Coat?
38:15Yes, I am wearing a coat.
38:16Cool coat?
38:17I would say it was quite cool, yeah.
38:19He's got a cool coat, is he?
38:20Yeah, it's a black leather jacket.
38:22I think it might be Danny Zuko.
38:24What make jobs?
38:27I make jobs.
38:28I make jobs.
38:28Spaghetti bolognese.
38:29That's your job.
38:30Spag.
38:31Ball.
38:32Two L's.
38:33No, that's not right.
38:34That's not right.
38:35I don't think I care.
38:37Can I ask you something, Rhys?
38:39Yeah.
38:39How are you getting on with the truth and lie system of this?
38:42Have you remembered that?
38:43Oh.
38:52I hadn't been considering that.
38:55Right, I'm off now.
38:57You've been really, really unhelpful.
39:01Goodbye, Andrew.
39:02Nice talking to you, liar.
39:06I'm going to miss our chats.
39:08Not good for my blood pressure, this, you know.
39:10I need this.
39:20Yeah.
39:21The fact that they all made the same mistake is fascinating enough.
39:24I think we should just see the pictures.
39:25Let's get to the goods.
39:26Maisie was furious that he wasn't apparently telling the complete truth
39:30and this is what she painted with her fingers.
39:32You liar.
39:37The info I got was blue nose, spaghetti bolognese and no body,
39:42so I think I...
39:43I genuinely left that caravan thinking, nailed that.
39:46I've smashed this.
39:47Yeah.
39:48You thought that man was on the end of the line.
39:51So Maisie did that.
39:52Phil did this.
39:53Ooh.
39:54Ooh.
39:55That'd be cool.
39:56Yeah, I mean, straight away you went to Fonz.
39:58Yeah.
40:00Rhys, renowned artist, did this.
40:10What was the answer to the question?
40:12Bigs.
40:15Why did I think very definitely red shoes?
40:18How could I have got that from him?
40:20And that's the thing that worries you about your drawings.
40:23All five with our chef Andrew, that's his name, here.
40:28It's not really about who's good at art, cos maybe...
40:30You know, you could say I've captured his spirit.
40:34The rule was, do the most accurate...
40:36Oh, now we're in the rules, are we?
40:39So, here we go.
40:40What's the point?
40:41Yes.
40:42Least accurate first, please, Greg.
40:43Well, I don't think that Maisie will be annoyed with me for this.
40:46You think wrong.
40:50Because with the best one in the world,
40:52as charming a character as that is,
40:54it does not look like a human.
40:56So, one point for Maisie.
40:57One to Maisie, good.
40:58And I'll give Sanjeev two points.
41:00Ooh.
41:01I like you, Sanjeev, two points.
41:02Phil, three points.
41:03Phil, three, OK.
41:05Rhys has captured his haunted look.
41:08See?
41:08But, you know, Anya's...
41:10I mean, somehow, that...
41:13Forgive me, Anya.
41:14Shit painting.
41:16It does look most like the chef.
41:19Wow.
41:20So, against all odds, she takes five points.
41:22Wow, there we go.
41:23And, yeah, five points.
41:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:27Right.
41:28One of the scores, Alex.
41:29I can tell you that in the series,
41:32Phil and Sanjeev are joint last with 70 points each,
41:35but in this episode, they're joint first with 15 points each.
41:39Oh, yeah!
41:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:43All right, everyone, can you make your way to the stage
41:46for the final task of the show?
41:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:53Hello, you angel.
41:55Hello.
41:55Who will be reading the task?
41:57I think Sanjeev should.
41:59OK.
42:02Eat the lame duck or don't eat the lame duck?
42:06I'm going to stop you there.
42:07Is there an accent on the E?
42:10LAUGHTER
42:14Yes, there is.
42:18The lame duck.
42:20That's good.
42:24Thank you very much.
42:25OK, here we go.
42:27Eat the lame duck or don't eat the lame duck?
42:29If you are the only person to eat the lame duck,
42:33you win five points and everybody else loses one point.
42:37If more than one person eats the lame duck,
42:40all lame duck eaters lose three points
42:43and the lame duck refusers gain three points.
42:47What?
42:48If no-one eats the lame duck,
42:49you must each give Greg 25 pounds.
42:53LAUGHTER
42:55If everyone eats the lame duck,
42:58Alex will give you each 25 pounds.
43:01LAUGHTER
43:02You have two minutes.
43:03LAUGHTER
43:04You've got to make the choice.
43:05Do you eat the duck or not eat the duck?
43:08Vegan chocolate, I will tell you now,
43:09it's delicious.
43:10Are you ready?
43:11Yeah.
43:12Eat or not eat vegan lame ducks!
43:15Listen, I say we all eat it.
43:17Yeah.
43:17We all get 25 quid.
43:19Yeah.
43:19We all lose three points.
43:21Yeah.
43:21What?
43:21We don't lose three points if you eat it.
43:23If more than one person eats the duck,
43:25all the duck eaters lose three points.
43:28Well, that is true.
43:28But that leaves us where we are anyway.
43:29We're all 25 quid richer.
43:32Yeah.
43:33But three points less.
43:34Yeah, but across the board.
43:36Yeah.
43:37But you're already 25 quid down today.
43:40That's why you...
43:40Well, don't worry about me.
43:42LAUGHTER
43:43I want to eat the duck because it smells really good.
43:46Another good reason.
43:47Well, then, good news,
43:47you can eat the duck and get 25 pounds.
43:49That feels like the win-win.
43:51How do you do that?
43:52By eating the duck?
43:53Yeah.
43:54We all eat the duck.
43:55We all eat the duck.
43:55If we all eat...
43:59If we all eat the duck, we'll all get 25 pound and no points.
44:03But if one of you fails to uphold their end of the bargain...
44:06Yeah, but we won't because we'll all eat the duck.
44:08Why don't you all pass me your ducks?
44:11Now.
44:12And then we'll now, won't we?
44:15Quick as you can.
44:16Yeah, but do we trust Phil not to eat all the ducks?
44:19Well, that would be the thing, wouldn't it?
44:20We each have our duck.
44:22We can eat it.
44:22If all of us do it.
44:25I was voted most trustworthy person in my primary school.
44:29LAUGHTER
44:3122 seconds of decision-making.
44:33What do we reckon?
44:37BUZZER
44:38Guys, I ate mine.
44:39You're going to eat yours?
44:40I'm going to eat mine.
44:42No!
44:43What?
44:44Are you eating them?
44:45Five seconds left.
44:46Are we eating them now?
44:47Yes, three.
44:48Are we eating them?
44:49Yes!
44:51Yes!
44:56Did someone not eat their dog?
44:58We will find out.
45:00We will find out.
45:01I did not expect that to be so exciting.
45:05Alex, go and clear up.
45:07Come down here and join me and we'll see how that's affected the final score!
45:12APPLAUSE
45:18Well, well, well, well.
45:19Any duck gobbling treachery?
45:22There was a bit.
45:23I think they all agreed to eat their duck.
45:25Did somebody not?
45:27Somebody did not.
45:28Oh!
45:30Murder most foul!
45:33Are you joking?
45:34Who?
45:35Who?
45:36Reece, is it you?
45:38Yeah.
45:39Oh!
45:41Reece!
45:41Reece Sheersmith did not eat his duck and if only one person didn't eat his duck,
45:46everyone else loses three and he gains three.
45:49Wow.
45:50Wow.
45:50Noted.
45:51You know why that happened?
45:52I didn't understand the rules.
45:55Sure you didn't get the rules, Macbeth.
46:00But there's more, Greg.
46:05And this time I want to show you this.
46:08What do you mean?
46:10He didn't eat his duck.
46:13I've still got it.
46:15I sucked all the gold off.
46:18What does that mean, though?
46:20It means I'm now worth more than I ever have been.
46:25If more than one person eats the lame duck,
46:27all lame duck eaters...
46:29That's Anya.
46:30That's Maisie.
46:30That's Sanjeev.
46:31Lose three points and the lame duck refuses.
46:33That's Phil.
46:34That's Reece.
46:35Gain three points.
46:36So, well done, Phil.
46:37Well done, Reece!
46:40Right.
46:41Which means that Maisie's now at the bottom of the table with seven points,
46:44but way above her with 18 points.
46:46For the first time he's won an episode, it's Phil Ellis!
46:49Oh!
46:50Phil Ellis has won!
46:52Please make me get your seeds from a tree in your future archaeological tree!
46:56Mmm!
47:25Yay!
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