- 1 hour ago
Taskmaster - S20E09 - A 1970s Camping Kettle [Full Movie] [Full Story]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:01Oh, no!
00:05Hello?
00:12Hey!
00:18Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.
00:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:34Hi! Hello!
00:35Welcome to Taskmaster. I'm Greg Davis and I've got beef.
00:39I've got beef, I've got lamb, I've got pork, and I've got chicken.
00:42Who wants chicken?
00:50Welcome to Taskmaster. Expect the unexpected,
00:53but also expect the following people.
00:56They are...
00:57Anya Magliano!
01:00Maisie Adam!
01:01Phil Ellis!
01:04Reece Shearsmith!
01:07And Sandy Baskar!
01:11And next to me, a man who, according to fan fiction on the internet,
01:16I am in and out of like a sewing machine.
01:24It's a plan of time!
01:27APPLAUSE
01:29Hello, everyone.
01:30I have to deal with the correspondence.
01:32Wow!
01:33So many questions this week.
01:34So let's have some frequently asked questions
01:36to little Alex Horne.
01:39FAQs!
01:40For the L-A-H!
01:42FAQs to the L-A-H!
01:43Yeah, the FAQs!
01:45For the L-A-H!
01:47OK, so we've got a question...
01:49LAUGHTER
01:50from Jeremy.
01:51I have such genuine contempt for you sometimes.
01:54Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:55OK.
01:55Question here from Jeremy in Egypt, who says...
01:59Did you do anything special for dinner last night, Alex?
02:01And I did, Jeremy.
02:02I had Stephen Fry for dinner, so...
02:06Stir fry!
02:06I had stir fry for dinner.
02:08Next question.
02:10FAQ!
02:12For the L-A-H!
02:13Oh, and Jeremy has asked another question.
02:16He says, did you have the...
02:18Ooh, he already heard my answer.
02:19Did you have the stir fry with anyone?
02:21And I did, I had it with Annika Rice.
02:23With special fried rice!
02:24LAUGHTER
02:30What are you writing?
02:31I've written 20 series, and that was the worst start of...
02:35Right, let us begin with the proceedings.
02:38Off we go!
02:39It's prize task time, and the category is...
02:41The most respected item that retains its credibility
02:45when you talk about it in a high-pitched voice.
02:51Respectability and credibility in the face of high-frequency soliloquies.
02:54It's as simple as that, guys.
02:56Five points for the best one,
02:57and all five items will still go home with the episode winner.
03:00Maisie, what is your respected item?
03:03Well, I've bought in...
03:05LAUGHTER
03:07This is the task, no?
03:09OK. Do you want me to...
03:10Yeah.
03:11Do you want me to go high as well?
03:12Er...
03:12Well, I don't know if it lessens my high voice if you're also high.
03:17Maybe I go deep.
03:20Didn't like the eye contact when you said...
03:22LAUGHTER
03:23Maybe I go deep.
03:25LAUGHTER
03:28Erm, so I've brought in a wonderful and authentic signed photo of Aled Jones.
03:35Here it is.
03:37Erm...
03:42He's most well-known for the Walking in the Air song, which is pretty much up here.
03:48Yeah.
03:49Is he credible, Aled?
03:51Credible?
03:51Yeah.
03:52He's a national treasure.
03:54He didn't sing the one in the film, though.
03:57He re-recorded it.
03:58Yeah, well, less about that.
03:59I don't want to tell you.
03:59LAUGHTER
04:00Oh, my God, someone's lost their credibility.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:04Sanjay.
04:04Well, erm, you...
04:06You know that, you know, from previous episodes what my attitude to this show has been.
04:12It can be summed up...
04:13It can be summed up by, I've got an OBE, why am I here?
04:16LAUGHTER
04:19So, in that vein, let me show you, it's a book.
04:23Look!
04:25It's puppies and...
04:27LAUGHTER
04:28What?
04:30LAUGHTER
04:31And on the back, just to kind of help it...
04:34Sanjay.
04:35Sorry.
04:37LAUGHTER
04:38Look, look, look at the little one down there.
04:41LAUGHTER
04:42I feel a lot better now.
04:43I know.
04:44I mean, you are off the hook, my friend.
04:47I have never seen a puppy in a park and picked it up and I'm going,
04:49oh, oh, it's so credible.
04:53LAUGHTER
04:53You've brought some terrible price dust in, but this is a new look.
04:58Ania.
05:00Hello.
05:00What have you brought in that I will respect?
05:03I've made a rug.
05:06LAUGHTER
05:08She genuinely did make a rug.
05:12Model on a specific boots store, is that right?
05:15Piccadilly Circus.
05:17LAUGHTER
05:19I think it's an incredible shop.
05:21Boots has been around for generations, hasn't it?
05:23Well, I wouldn't know about that.
05:26LAUGHTER
05:27We get it.
05:28We get it, you're young.
05:30APPLAUSE
05:33What I will say is that I think in this society that we live in,
05:37it's become quite a godless state.
05:40LAUGHTER
05:41Something has filled the gap of church and I think it's Boots.
05:45Against all odds, this is the strongest one so far.
05:49LAUGHTER
05:51Phil.
05:52I've brought in...
05:54LAUGHTER
05:54..my nana's headstone.
06:00LAUGHTER
06:07Yes, he has.
06:09I mean, obviously this is not her real gravestone.
06:11Well, my dad had never got one.
06:13So I thought I'd get one.
06:16What, they just tossed her in a hole?
06:18LAUGHTER
06:19When we lowered it in, I remember my mum went,
06:22that's a bit deeper than normal.
06:23And my auntie went, yeah, I've asked them to go deeper
06:26so I can go in on top of her.
06:28LAUGHTER
06:30So my auntie is buried on top of my nana with the chihuahuas.
06:36Oh, my God, this is all true, isn't it?
06:38It's true.
06:39LAUGHTER
06:40And we're fine with there being a picture of Winston Churchill on the...
06:43LAUGHTER
06:44Do you know, I'd never seen the resemblance until you mentioned it, yeah?
06:48LAUGHTER
06:51APPLAUSE
06:53Incredible, Phil.
06:55Um, Rhys.
06:56Yes, well, I began, not doing the voice for now,
06:58but I began thinking what was a respectable item,
07:02so I proceeded to create a one-off, limited-edition commemorative plate
07:08for the coronation of the King Charles and the Queen Consort, Camilla.
07:13Beautiful.
07:14LAUGHTER
07:17And then I thought, well, who better to voice in a high-pitched manner this,
07:22so I asked Joe Pasquale.
07:24LAUGHTER
07:26Who better?
07:27Yeah.
07:27This decorative 12-inch commemorative plate
07:30features two detailed portraits of King Charles III
07:32and Queen Camilla wearing their magnificent crowns,
07:36perfect for serving of sandwiches on a big pile of rich teas.
07:40Mm.
07:41LAUGHTER
07:43APPLAUSE
07:44APPLAUSE
07:45APPLAUSE
07:47Wow.
07:48Mm.
07:48And this is almost impossible to score.
07:51LAUGHTER
07:52OK.
07:52One point to Sanjeev.
07:53One point to Sanjeev, OK.
07:54I'm going to give two points to Maisie.
07:56OK.
07:57I'm going to give Anya and Rhys four points.
08:00Four to Anya.
08:00Four to Rhys.
08:01And I'm using this task to give Hetty the respect she was not afforded
08:05by whoever tossed her in a hole in the ground.
08:08LAUGHTER
08:08And then these five points are for Hetty.
08:10There we go. Well done for Lillis.
08:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:15Right, let's get tasking.
08:17Here we go.
08:18And lucky us, it's time to get trollied.
08:20MUSIC PLAYS
08:33Maisie!
08:34How are you?
08:35Really good.
08:37Hello.
08:40OK.
08:42Trolley?
08:43Yeah, it's a nice trolley.
08:46Right.
08:49Ahem.
08:51Build a tower of bricks on this trolley,
08:54then push it down the slope.
08:56You may not touch the trolley after it passes the start line.
09:00Is that the start line up there?
09:01Yeah, that's the start line, yeah.
09:02OK.
09:03The tallest tower that passes the finish line wins.
09:05As well as bricks, all the contents of one of these bins
09:10must be part of your tower, but nothing else.
09:13You may only look inside the bins once,
09:16and only for as long as you can scream.
09:20You must replace each lid before looking in the next bin.
09:22You have a total of ten minutes and three attempts
09:25during which you must also scream.
09:30Your times start when Alex screams.
09:34OK.
09:41So...
09:41Ah!
09:42Oh, my God!
09:43Ah!
09:45Ah!
09:47Good.
09:47Build a tower of bricks on this trolley.
09:49Where are all the other bricks?
09:50Ah!
09:59There was a lot for me to be distracted by in that set-up.
10:03Alex's screaming, in particular, was disturbing.
10:07Never done it before.
10:08Yeah.
10:09Love to scream.
10:10Give it a go.
10:11Ah!
10:13All right, I'm ready.
10:15Here we go.
10:16First to attack the stack are Anya and let's have Phil.
10:21Let's start screaming.
10:23Screaming for the whole time?
10:24For the whole time.
10:25Ah!
10:28Ah!
10:32Ah!
10:34Ah!
10:35Ah!
10:35Ah!
10:36Ah!
10:37Ah!
10:37Ah!
10:38Ah!
10:38Ah!
10:39Ah!
10:42Ah!
10:43Ah!
10:47Ah!
10:49I didn't actually see what that was.
10:51And I think I did a little wee from screaming so hard.
10:55Oh!
10:56Ah!
10:59Ah!
11:00Ah!
11:00Lovely stuff.
11:01I've forgotten what was in the bins.
11:04Kettle?
11:05That said cement.
11:06There's no point with cement, because I don't really have time to mix it.
11:11I'm going to go with cement.
11:13OK.
11:14Oh!
11:15Oh, my God!
11:15It's actually, like, I get to make it.
11:17OK, well, should I build it up there, then, maybe?
11:19If you want.
11:20Do you want me to bring any bricks or not?
11:21Yes, please.
11:22How many?
11:23All of them.
11:25Well...
11:26I'm going to go for the top cap bit.
11:28Oh, this is bullshit!
11:30HE LAUGHS
11:32Ah!
11:33OK, now we're talking!
11:35Oh!
11:37Oh!
11:39Er...
11:40This isn't cement.
11:43That's flour, by the way.
11:45Yeah, don't taste everything.
11:53HE LAUGHS
11:54So these are really useful, because look...
11:57Oh, I've got two more bricks!
11:59Yeah, you don't have to use all the bricks.
12:01Have I made a terrible error?
12:02Well, you've got to get it down that slope in the next three minutes and ten seconds.
12:04Oh, I've got to get it up the slope as well?
12:05And down the slope.
12:06I've got to get it up!
12:08Two and a half minutes.
12:09How do you turn it?
12:10How do you turn it, Charlie?
12:12This is worse than the ones I steal from Lidl.
12:16That.
12:17All right.
12:18Bit of class.
12:20You've only got time for one go.
12:21You've got ten seconds.
12:22OK.
12:22Oh, I'm going to do it during this time?
12:24Absolutely.
12:24Oh, I thought I was just waiting!
12:28AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
12:29AHHHHH!
12:30AHHHHH!
12:30AHHHHH!
12:33AHHHHH!
12:40AHHHHH!
12:43AHHHHH!
12:45AHHHHH!
12:46AHHHHH!
12:47AHHHHH!
12:47AHHHHH!
12:48AHHHH!
12:48AHHHH!
12:49AHHHH!
12:49AHHHH.
12:53AHHHH!
12:53I've only killed the whole crew!
12:55It went so much worse than I thought it was going to go.
12:58It wasn't a very sturdy structure.
13:00It's only because it went off piece.
13:04OK, thanks, Anya. Thank you.
13:11I mean, we've said it many times, crew are dispensable, right?
13:18But you both genuinely almost hurt them.
13:21Watching it back, it looks like a targeted attack.
13:25Phil screams full-throated like a mighty bear, I thought.
13:28Oh, thank you.
13:28You, you sound exactly like a 1970s camping kettle.
13:36He took me back to childhood holidays.
13:43Phil's did just about cross the line.
13:46Anya's didn't cross the line at all.
13:47Don't I get points for mine looking quite flamboyant
13:50and exciting as it went down?
13:51Absolutely not.
13:53OK, break time.
13:54And statistically, we will spend nearly four years of our lives
13:59watching adverts.
14:01Also, kangaroos have three vaginas.
14:03Interesting facts.
14:09APPLAUSE
14:13Hello!
14:14Welcome back to Taskmaster,
14:16where the current task involves stacking bricks on a trolley
14:19and shoving it down a hill.
14:20Yes, it's absolutely safe and almost no crew were in danger.
14:24Tallest tower past the finish line wins.
14:27Finally then, it's the three-card trick of Maisie, Rhys and Sanjeev.
14:32Ready?
14:33Ahhhhhhhhhh or
14:39AHhhh ahhhh
14:41No!
14:42No, no, screens finished.
14:44AAAHHS
14:53Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
14:54AHhhhhhh uhhhhhhh
15:02Oh, and then I have to keep screaming while she's using it?
15:04Only while looking in it.
15:05Oh!
15:06Right.
15:07Oh.
15:08Shout out if you want any builder's gloves.
15:10Might be good to have builder's gloves.
15:12I've got some here for you.
15:13All right, well, go on, then.
15:15This is the first time I've ever done manual labour.
15:18Ah, you can't tell.
15:23Oh, bollocks.
15:24God's sake.
15:26What the...
15:29Ah, that...
15:30Well, you're welcome to, I suppose,
15:31but it is a camera.
15:33It's in there.
15:34At this point, I'm going to choose this.
15:36Ah!
15:37I'm going to put that down there
15:40with the apple inside.
15:46Don't hurt your back.
15:48Okay.
15:49Ready?
15:50Here we go.
15:53Ah!
15:54Ah!
15:59Oh!
16:03It didn't work.
16:06What's that?
16:08Oh, I am laughing.
16:10I am laughing.
16:11Oh!
16:13Um, right, help me push it.
16:16Please?
16:16Please.
16:18Steady, steady.
16:20Okay.
16:20All right.
16:23Right.
16:24So that tells us something.
16:29Okay.
16:30Are we going up the hill?
16:31We're going to go up the hill.
16:32Okay, here we go.
16:33Oh, best of luck, Sanjeev.
16:36Oh!
16:45Alright.
16:54Oh!
16:55Oh!
16:55Oh!
16:55Oh!
16:55I'm so happy with that.
17:01Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
17:03Uh oh.
17:04BOOM GUYS
17:08Nine bricks!
17:09Anybody want... a wall doing?
17:39You've got 30 seconds left
17:42Yeah
17:51I mean that is a full-throated scream, the drama of the final image
17:56I mean it might be your proudest moment
17:58It's a shame I have to disqualify you because so much of the flower fell off
18:02I'm only joking
18:07You didn't keep that going for long Greg
18:09No I know, I thought she was going to paint the zombie
18:14Very impressive from Sanjeev yet again showing why he landed a role on Paddington 2
18:19It's just so resourceful
18:23But what he did very cleverly was incorporate the camera that wasn't meant to necessarily be part of it
18:27And that to the height
18:28And that gave him the height
18:29Well done Sanjeev
18:30Well thank you very much
18:30Rhys, did you enjoy yourself?
18:32No
18:33That's funny because I, you know throughout this whole series have pointed out that you're very close to committing an
18:39atrocity because you're so angry
18:40But I thought you built that beautiful ornate brick thing and it collapsed
18:44Like a chimney wasn't it?
18:45Yeah
18:45And all you said was
18:46That tells us something
18:48But no, I did enjoy it and it was nice to get me hands dirty
18:54Why don't you give us some statistics?
18:57Yes, well we know that Anya failed so I guess zero points for
19:00Oh God, zero
19:01Okay
19:02And you'll thank me for them
19:03Oh
19:03You never won?
19:04No, you didn't cross the line
19:10It's just interesting isn't it because you come into this show and you believe in justice and stuff like that
19:16and then you realise actually it's a dictatorship
19:18Not quite, I've never said it isn't a dictatorship
19:21Yeah, that's fine, I'll take my one point, thank you
19:23No zero points
19:23Okay
19:26Rhys and Maisie's very similar
19:27Maisie's, yours was 82cm tall
19:29Rhys, yours was 77cm tall
19:32Oh
19:32So despite your building work, you were second last Rhys
19:35Mm, I'll stay on the way
19:37Three points for you Maisie, 82cm
19:39But Sanjeev was 105cm
19:42Phil, yours was 1m36
19:44Which means that Phil gets five points
19:46Yeah
19:49APPLAUSE
19:50Let's see a scoreboard please
19:51Yes, well first of all I'll tell you the series scores with one and a half episodes to go
19:55Sanjeev, you're in last on 117 but it's tight
19:57Rhys, 1-2-1
19:59Maisie, 1-2-3
19:59Phil, 1-2-8
20:00Anya, 1-2-9
20:01Anyone can win it
20:02Anyone can win it
20:04Not a good win it
20:05Yeah
20:06And this episode, he's got maximum points so far in the lead with ten points, it's Phil Ellis
20:11CHEERING
20:15Very good, what's next please with Alex?
20:18Well, jockstrap yourself in Greg, because we're off to the changing rooms
20:43You'd be disqualified straight away, wouldn't you? You're far too tall
20:47LAUGHTER
20:47Here we are
20:49You'd make a lovely couple
20:51Thank you, would you like him to pass it?
20:53Is it him?
20:53I'm not sure
20:54Hmm
20:56LAUGHTER
20:56Make your jockey weigh almost exactly the same as Alex
21:00If your jockey weighs more than Alex, you are disqualified
21:04You may only get two readings from the scales
21:07There is a bonus point for the sexiest jockey
21:10You have ten minutes, your time starts now
21:14This is your jockey, right?
21:16Those are your scales
21:17Good luck
21:19It's got to be sexy
21:20Doesn't have to be sexy, but if you want the bonus point
21:22It's got to be really sexy
21:23There are your scales, good luck
21:25Thank you, I'm not allowed to stand with them because that counts as one, doesn't it?
21:27Because I've checked some scales and they're definitely wrong
21:29Because there's no way I'm over 14 stone
21:31OK
21:33APPLAUSE
21:38So, Anya's jockey is going to be super sexy and Phil's fatter than he looks
21:43Shall we have a look at them then?
21:44Well, who are we going to see first?
21:46It's a great equestrian
21:48It's...
21:48Oh!
21:48Oh, Jesus Christ
21:50Anya, Phil and Rhys
21:52What are these?
21:54Are these jockey things? Is this lead?
21:56Don't eat it
21:56Oh, come on
21:57Eat lead, kids
21:59You'll have hair like mine
22:04I'd like to start my characters with what the hair's like
22:08Yeah
22:08What hair? What are you doing up my mountain?
22:12Dice things first
22:13The fatter! I got this sausage
22:15I think she's Austrian
22:16I'm going Eastern European with this
22:20Lovely
22:20Pretty sexy
22:24That's not hair, that's the eyelashes
22:28Do you know what?
22:29Scale, please
22:30OK
22:31Do you mind if I feel how heavy you are?
22:33Well, you can try
22:34Front's probably better, isn't it?
22:36Oh, don't mind
22:36One, two, three
22:41Go dead weight
22:45OK, I'm happy with that
22:46I'm going to say
22:47I'm going to say you're just over 14
22:49I'd say 14, four
22:50OK
22:51Oof
22:52What do you mean?
22:5314 stone
22:54Nearly 15 in a way
22:550.9
22:56I think that's 0.09
22:57Oh
22:59Well, that's not 14 stone
23:00Got to be a lot more on this
23:02In you go, darling
23:03Sexy, sexy
23:05Sexy space lady
23:07May I hide the display?
23:08Oh, you don't want to get the reading yet?
23:10No
23:11I can't see through the mouth
23:12Promise?
23:13Yeah
23:14Yeah, that's a great idea
23:15What's going on?
23:23See that?
23:24I can see everything
23:26Oh, fuck
23:27What does it say?
23:29Two stone
23:30Three stone
23:31You've got three and a half minutes
23:33That can't be three stone
23:34Second reading
23:35Yep
23:37Four stone
23:39For about a minute and a half
23:41Well, I'm going to give up on accuracy
23:43No, will you?
23:50Beautiful lady with a long arm
23:52Every man's dream
23:53Stop, stop, stop
23:59Do you help me?
24:01Put as much weight into his shorts as possible
24:06Now that can't be the real way
24:08Let's get some out
24:10Three seconds
24:10How long?
24:13Please leave her or him alone
24:14Okay
24:17And then she can have some of my lipstick
24:21Well, I think you should go and wash your hands
24:22Yep
24:23Don't lick them
24:24No
24:27Look after yourself, kids
24:28Tough out there in the big city
24:30Good girl
24:39Good girl
24:40Please, does a man become more or less sexy when his trousers are down and his pants are full of
24:4711 stone of lead?
24:50Well, that was a miscalculation
24:52I thought the pants would keep everything in place but they came down
24:55It looked like someone that would just capture themselves
24:58Yours both were almost identical for a lot of it
25:02Yeah, we've got a type
25:03Yeah
25:04It's a sexy Scandinavian sausage girl
25:07Yeah
25:07Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
25:08It's a lot
25:08I think it's because we thought
25:09We must be thinking, like, what is Greg going to find sexy?
25:12Yeah
25:13And so it's with you in mind
25:14Yeah, and it is
25:15Yeah
25:15It is a girl with pigtails and sausage
25:17I know
25:19You always form a weird relationship with inanimate objects, mate
25:24Yeah, I did get quite attached to the character
25:26She was leaving the mountain that she grew up on
25:31To join NASA, she was off to start
25:33Yeah, when you put the silver trousers on you said, now you are future sexy
25:40Time for a break
25:41I'm not sure who said this, but I think it's something that's relevant to this show
25:45From such crooked wood as that which man is made of, nothing straight can be fashioned
25:53Camp Tossa
26:04Welcome back to the start of part three
26:07It's Taskmaster and we're having some sexy time
26:10Mmm, yes, yes, that's right
26:12Things are pretty flippin' hot as they're trying to make a jockey weigh the same as me
26:16With a bonus point for the sexiest jockey
26:19Finally then, it's Sanjeev and Maisie
26:24Right, so sexy, you want sexy
26:27Just one point for sexy
26:28Yep
26:29The main thing is
26:30The primary concern is the weight, isn't it?
26:32OK
26:33Right, well, first of all, that's sexy, isn't it?
26:36That's hard work though
26:37Feather boa, they're always sexy
26:39I think you should go on there first
26:41I'm going on, Sanjeev
26:42OK
26:42I'm on
26:4413 stone
26:4813
26:49OK
26:50Alex, could you come stand on him?
26:52What do you mean?
26:53Just stop him from wibbling over
26:54Can I stop him from wibbling?
27:05Quite buckle heavy so far
27:07Oh, sexy police officer
27:18OK
27:19OK
27:21Knee pads, sexy, cos they suggest you're going to be on your knees
27:26So at the moment, the jockey is...
27:30Three stone, nine pounds
27:34Now, I don't want to be disqualified on a technicality
27:37But what if I just stood with the mannequin?
27:41Does that count?
27:42I think I'm about 12 and a bit
27:45I think I'll be over then
27:47Cos if I'm 12, 13, 14, then that'll be about 15, which will be too much
27:52Let's see if I...
27:53Let's see if that is...
27:59So you're basically taking a bit of a risk here
28:01I am taking a bit of a risk
28:02I think Greg's always wanted to be blonde
28:06Don't you?
28:11Does that look like me?
28:13LAUGHTER
28:18Are you saying you've become one with the jockey?
28:20I have
28:21We are one
28:22You're one, are you?
28:24Fantastic
28:25That is your time up
28:26Great
28:28I'm pretty turned on
28:29I don't know about anyone else
28:35Well, let's talk this through some of you
28:38How are we going to get away with me allowing this?
28:40You just got on the scales with the mannequin
28:44I asked
28:44I said would this be breaking the rules?
28:47I said you're taking a big risk Sanjeef
28:49Yes, which is not a no
28:52I think if you had got on the jockey it would count
28:55I was on his foot
28:56If someone gets on my foot they're on me
29:01I admired the lateral thinking
29:03And if you'd have somehow hoisted yourself up that jockey
29:06It would have been ironic as well that you were riding a jockey
29:08Yes
29:10See how they bloody like it
29:12Am I right?
29:14I like it, it was very close to being allowed
29:17It was good lateral thinking
29:20Amazing
29:21Well, we know how this went
29:23There's a lot to unpack here
29:25Just show the clip
29:26Yeah, she definitely established it's all about the weight
29:30The sexy thing is just a little bonus
29:31Here we go
29:32Yep
29:32Just one point for sexy
29:33Yep
29:34The main thing is...
29:35The primary concern is the weight, isn't it?
29:38Okay
29:38Right, well first of all, that's sexy, isn't it?
29:42LAUGHTER
29:45And from then on, it was just sex
29:49Yep, story of my life, that is
29:51I thought identifying my possible vanity was a masterstroke
29:56Making him sexy by making him look like me
30:00Unfortunately for you, I have to look at myself naked in the mirror every morning
30:04And it is fucking rough
30:08But you're not naked in this, you're in a sexy police officer outfit
30:12Maybe that would change things
30:14Yeah
30:16Well, shall we look at the weights first and then you can decide on sex
30:18Yeah, yeah, let's have a look
30:23Two stone, five pounds
30:27Five stone, twelve pounds
30:30Seven stone, six pounds
30:36Sixteen stone, five pounds
30:40Let's see, so I'm not going to say this out loud
30:42Okay
30:45Yeah, so that's the readings
30:47Only Sanjeev came close
30:48Rhys, I'm so sorry, you went over the top
30:50You get zero points
30:52That's a shame, I really thought I was under
30:54Is he still in the running for the sexiest?
30:55Of course he is, yeah
30:56Ah, okay
30:57So what are we saying about Sanjeev? Any points?
31:00Ah, yeah, I can't not give him any points
31:02So, he can come last
31:06So we're saying Phil gets a full five points
31:09Yes
31:09Four for Anya, three for Maisie
31:11One for Sanjeev?
31:12Yes, I think that's fair
31:13One for Sanjeev and zero for Rhys
31:15Ah, sorry Rhys
31:29Sexy Maisie
31:30What?
31:33I gave you a muff
31:34That's good
31:35Thank you
31:36The two sausage Scandinavians cancel each other out
31:40Right
31:40Well, between Rhys and Maisie and they've both got sexy vibes
31:44I mean, Rhys is without wishing to be crude
31:48Looks like he'd throw you round the room
31:53I think I'm going to give one point each
31:55I'm going to add an extra bonus point
31:56There's an extra sexy point
31:57I can't deny either of them, my love
32:01Bonus points each to Rhys and Maisie
32:03There we go
32:07Very good, what have we got now, Alex?
32:09Well, it's a proud moment, Craig
32:11As we reveal the Task-O-Matic
32:28Hello there
32:30Nice contraption
32:32Ooh
32:34So, Task-O-Matic
32:36I like this
32:37I like sort of little machines and things
32:39I've got lots of them at home
32:40Have you?
32:41Yeah, like a whisk and stuff
32:44Shall I open and then spin, or spin and open?
32:47You don't need to open
32:48I don't... really?
32:50What's it going to do?
33:02Wow, look at this
33:03Oh!
33:05Oh, wow, this is so good
33:07Can I have this?
33:12Oh, this is so strange
33:26This is so strange
33:27I can read it now
33:27Make the most fantastic
33:3015-second film
33:32Featuring your face in full frame
33:34Featuring your face in full frame
33:36You have 15 minutes to film your fantastic 15-second full-frame face film
33:41Those 15 minutes start now
33:45Disappointing lack of alliteration in the last sentence, I felt
33:48But anyway
33:50Any other need for this?
33:52No
33:57Please be very careful
33:58I know, I know, I know
34:00Isn't like it's going to be a close-up of my face?
34:02Oh!
34:03And it's got to be fantastic, hasn't you?
34:05I've got an idea
34:06I think I'm going to do...
34:07I already know what I'm doing
34:09I need Papamache
34:10Will you get any?
34:12Yep
34:12It could be a silent film
34:14Could be a silent film
34:15But I can't make myself black and white
34:18Can I?
34:20But I could paint my face
34:21Which colour?
34:22Oh, wow, very white
34:25Very white
34:31I won't dwell on it too long maybe
34:35But I would say I'm quite a Luddite
34:37But even I know how to make pictures on my phone black and white
34:41I don't think you necessarily need to contemplate a hate crime
34:49Alright, let's go
34:49So we do begin with a man of many fantastic faces
34:53Mr Rees Shearsmith
34:59MUSIC PLAYS
35:00MUSIC PLAYS
35:10MUSIC PLAYS
35:14APPLAUSE
35:18I can see why you were such a competent Papamache man
35:21I went back to the dawn of cinema
35:23Voyage to the Moon
35:24Yeah
35:24Georges Mele
35:25What was the stuff that came out of your eye?
35:27It was icing sugar
35:28Lovely
35:29Yep
35:30Can't fault it
35:31No
35:31It was a fantastic film and it involved his face
35:34Next
35:35Sanjeev
35:35OK
35:36Yes, it's time for Sanjeev's charismatic countenance
35:39Get ready
36:06I'm not particularly in touch on my spiritual side but I imagine there was a...
36:09I'm not particularly in touch on my spiritual side but I imagine there was a...
36:10There was a strong message in there
36:11There was, yes
36:13And what was that message?
36:16It's...
36:16Be...
36:17Nice
36:19Oh, and the...
36:20The floating banana
36:23Yes
36:24Represented
36:24Exactly
36:25Ah
36:27What was the stuff that was falling down before you caught the apple in your mouth?
36:31It wasn't falling down was it? It was orange juice falling up
36:33Deep is falling up
36:34Oh, God
36:35So deep
36:38I mean, the second fantastic one
36:40Someone's going to let us down
36:41Who will it be?
36:43It's time for Maisie's
36:45You're back to us now
36:50A long time ago in a taskmaster house a really long way away
36:52A leather-jacketed lady was held under the tyrannous rule of a prick with a clipboard who lived in fear
36:57of his master
36:57One day, enough was enough and she locked the prick in the caravan where he spontaneously combusted
37:02The master moved to Spain
37:04The end
37:10I think that's quite good
37:12I mean, honestly, I've never been so disappointed so far
37:15I just think they're all good
37:16Oh, good
37:17And I've gelled my hair back and it's stuck like that for three days
37:21I mean, it just looked great
37:23I like the story
37:25I mean, this is an awful thing to say, but I hope one of the last two is shit
37:28Yes
37:30OK, we must stop once more
37:32A chance for Alex to pop to the bathroom and time his movement
37:46Hello and welcome back to the final part of the show
37:50Where we're watching some fantastic 15-second films involving faces in full frame
37:55Two to go
37:56First up, have a look at Anya's vivacious visage
38:03Greg
38:05Your task is to die
38:08Your time starts now
38:12Trigger
38:14Good boy
38:16Let's go
38:19He works for me now
38:23APPLAUSE
38:28What a narrative
38:29I've replaced Alex for the horse
38:31Yeah, so he was trying to kill you
38:33He was trying to rebel
38:35But the horse actually worked for you
38:37And then the horse replaces him for the rest of the series as the tusk
38:41Whatever his role is
38:43Yeah
38:45Honestly, this is like, for me, it's awful
38:47They're just all good
38:50Who's left?
38:51There's only one left
38:52Really good
38:52It is Phil Ellis left
38:53Oh, God, I mean, Phil
38:55Phil's bound to have fucked this up
38:58Fingers crossed
38:59Finally, it's Phil's fantastically flexible face
39:02LAUGHTER
39:20LAUGHTER
39:21LAUGHTER
39:24LAUGHTER
39:24APPLAUSE
39:24APPLAUSE
39:29Phil has not done one thing on this show
39:32In nine episodes that hasn't ended with a cheesy wink
39:36LAUGHTER
39:38You know, well done, Phil
39:39I thought you would let us down, but it's great
39:42But what's the narrative? I'm fascinated
39:44Is there a narrative?
39:46Of course there is
39:48It's...
39:49It's about parenthood and...
39:52LAUGHTER
39:53Having to let your children...
39:54At some point, you've just got to let them go, haven't you?
39:57Out of your mouth
39:57Yeah
39:58I mean, I'm not a father
40:01But...
40:02Thank God
40:05Look, I hate doing this, I'll be honest with you
40:07Because I like to victimise someone
40:09But I could say something positive about all of them
40:11So, I'm going to give everyone five points
40:14APPLAUSE
40:19OK, everyone, will you make your way to the stage for the final task of the show?
40:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:31My dear man
40:33You're my guy
40:34Who will read the task for us?
40:37Phil
40:37Allow me
40:40Become the person the taskmaster shouts
40:43You will have one minute to draw yourself a new bottom of your face and body
40:48Also, you must bob up and down throughout your attempt
40:52Worst new person each round is eliminated
40:56Yeah
40:56So, you've each got a card
40:59And you've got a little space for your nose
41:01You need to draw the bottom of your face
41:03And then give yourself a body beneath your face
41:06Ready? Here we go
41:07Henry VIII on a horse
41:10Go
41:10OK
41:11We're looking for Henry VIII on...
41:13Please bob
41:13Please bob
41:16Keep bobbing, Sanji
41:17Thank you
41:18Phil is on a child's trampoline
41:22Lovely rhythm at the end, isn't there? Lovely rhythm
41:26Pens down! Pens down, Maisie Addo
41:29Pens down, thank you
41:29Oh, rhythm is a dancer
41:32I hereby instruct you to become Henry VIII on a horse
41:39APPLAUSE
41:44They're all good
41:47But which one's the worst, Greg?
41:48Well, I'm afraid...
41:50Er...
41:53I'm afraid it's Phil
41:54That man is not sitting on a horse
41:58I mean, if I'm honest
41:59It looks like Henry VIII has shat himself out
42:03We have lost Phil Ellis
42:05Phil, you're out, I'm sorry Phil
42:07OK, round one done, there are four left
42:10Here we go
42:11A supermodel skiing
42:13Go
42:15A supermodel skiing
42:16Please bob
42:17Bobbing at the end, please
42:18Thank you
42:19Maisie, bobbing
42:20Thank you
42:22Maisie, bobbing
42:24Stop!
42:26OK, a supermodel
42:28Oh!
42:31Wow!
42:33APPLAUSE
42:37They're pretty good
42:40Thanks!
42:42Can I have that after?
42:45Maisie's will be censored for the children's edition of the show
42:48Why?
42:49Because I can see her tits
42:52First time he's ever said tits
42:55It's between Maisie and, erm...
42:59How sexist
43:00Sanjeev
43:01Racist
43:05She's got big boobs, but I'm sort of a bit worried about her legs
43:10Her legs are attached to her breasts
43:13And that's why she gets the work
43:18I'm really worried anatomically about Maisie's
43:21So I will kick Maisie's big boobs
43:23We've lost Maisie Adam
43:24There we go
43:25Thank you Maisie
43:25APPLAUSE
43:28That's why it is
43:29Elvis on an escalator
43:31Go
43:33Ooh
43:34Bobbing!
43:39Got focused bobbing now, isn't it?
43:40It is
43:42Ironically in this bit we've had a little less conversation
43:45LAUGHTER
43:49APPLAUSE
43:50And that's your time off, that's your time off
43:52One for me
43:52One for me, one for me
43:53OK, let's see Elvis on an escalator
43:55Here they go
43:56We have our first landscape over here
43:59APPLAUSE
44:02The best Elvis is Sanjeev, I would say
44:04He's got the handsome lopsided smile on races
44:09And...
44:09And I think I sum up what everyone's thinking
44:13Anya has not drawn Elvis
44:14LAUGHTER
44:16I'm young
44:19I had to put in what I know, which is about escalators
44:22LAUGHTER
44:23So I went for Baker Street
44:25Sit down, Anya
44:27APPLAUSE
44:30It's the final, it's the big one, here we go, you ready?
44:33A mermaid
44:34Making a mistake
44:36Ooh
44:38Bit of licence here for the bobbers
44:41Good face from Greece
44:46Greg, can you imagine Sanjeev drawing and not bobbing?
44:49LAUGHTER
44:51I just think Sanjeev's bob has become more graceful as it's gone on
44:57Pins down, please
44:58Pins down
44:59APPLAUSE
45:02This is it, Greg?
45:03What mistakes will our mermaids have made?
45:05Hopefully they're legal
45:08Let's see
45:09Oh my God
45:14Sorry, my tits were too much
45:17It's a mermaid, it's different
45:21Your mermaid's fingering a fish
45:24Fish fingering?
45:26LAUGHTER
45:32It was meant to be that she's eating a fish on a fork
45:35Oh, OK
45:36Which would be terrible, wouldn't it, for a mermaid?
45:38Oh, that's a fork
45:38You wouldn't eat your friends, would you?
45:40No
45:41So it's a mistake
45:43Sanjeev's mermaid, who appears to have a father Christmas beard
45:47LAUGHTER
45:49Has missed a bus?
45:50It's trying to catch a bus
45:52LAUGHTER
45:53What's the mistake, Sanjeev?
45:54Why is that a mistake?
45:55It might be the bus to the sea
45:57LAUGHTER
45:59What is wrong with you?
46:02Mermaid wouldn't be on land catching a bus
46:05LAUGHTER
46:05LAUGHTER
46:07The man makes a good point
46:09Yeah
46:10I mean, I do think probably the superior mermaid picture
46:13is the cannibal mermaid
46:14There we go, five points to Rhys Shearser
46:16APPLAUSE
46:17Well done, Rhys
46:19Please come down, we'll add that to the final score
46:23APPLAUSE
46:29What a lovely, creative group of people we've got
46:32So, the winner of the task, with some fantastic arc
46:35Rhys Shearsmith, five points, really good
46:38They all do well
46:39They all do well
46:41It's been a very close episode
46:42Until you get to the top of the table
46:44where you've got Phil on 21 points
46:46He's won the show!
46:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:50The Manus wins
46:51Please don't inspect your respective prizes!
46:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:18APPLAUSE
Comments