- 5 hours ago
Saturday Night Live UK - Season 1 - Episode 02: Jamie Dornan / Wolf Alice
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00:03In 1997 MI5's top agents gathered in Thames House for a secret meeting. This is that meeting.
00:19Director, Prince Andrew is here for his briefing. Your Majesty, thank you.
00:23I came as soon as I could. Thank you, Your Majesty.
00:26We appreciate that with the recent passing of Diana, this is a difficult time for the family.
00:39She was such a beautiful woman.
00:42Prince Andrew, no one knows better than us how charming, capable, fiercely intelligent, and morally upstanding you are.
00:50You are a credit to princes everywhere.
00:54You're too kind.
00:56Since the death of Diana, the public have turned on Prince Charles, but still, one day he will be king.
01:01We need to make him look good.
01:03There's no easy way to say this, Your Highness.
01:06We have deduced that the only way to increase the likability of our future king is to decrease the likability
01:12of everyone around him.
01:17I see. Well, I love my brother, I love my country, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes.
01:23We hoped you'd say that.
01:25We have prepared a 29-year plan.
01:30To slowly, but surely make the entire country think you are a...
01:34Well, have a little read.
01:41Huh.
01:46It's, uh...
01:49Huh.
01:51We're aware it's a lot.
01:53And you actually want me to do all of this stuff?
01:56Sadly, yes.
01:59Even the part about befriending a notorious pedophile?
02:03That's an important part of it, yeah.
02:06Before and after he's convicted.
02:09Right, okay.
02:10Of course.
02:10And there's absolutely no other way to make my brother look good.
02:13Well, we're also going to push an environmental angle for him, but it will be half-arsed.
02:20This all seems very high-risk.
02:22God, I'm sweating.
02:25Of course you are, Andrew, of course you are.
02:28But surely you can't make everyone around Charles unlikable.
02:31I mean, what about William?
02:33He's so handsome.
02:35We're seeing to that.
02:39And Harry?
02:40He's going to marry a woman 98% of the UK public will find it impossible to have a normal
02:46conversation about.
02:48Oh, heavens.
02:49I'm afraid this will kill mummy when the news comes out.
02:52Turn to page 72, it will.
02:56Gosh.
02:57I'm afraid of doing this alone.
02:59Isn't there anyone in government who can go on this journey with me?
03:03Send in Agent Maggelson.
03:08Gentlemen.
03:10Peter Maddox.
03:12The most honourable, ethical politician we have.
03:16No one will believe he's corruptible.
03:19I'm sorry, Andrew.
03:20The responsibility in our shoulders is more than any man can bear.
03:24And are people going to think you did all this stuff?
03:28Kind of.
03:31Well, for Britain, I'm in.
03:34I'm in, too.
03:35Oh, Fergie.
03:38Sorry I'm late.
03:40What do you need?
03:41Nothing, Fergie.
03:42You've done so much already.
03:46What's she doing here?
03:47We got divorced a year ago.
03:49Agent Ferguson has been on the payroll since 86.
03:52You wouldn't believe how good she's made you guys look by comparison.
03:56I know, and I know I can do more.
03:59Go further.
04:00Be more odd.
04:03I could drop more nudes.
04:04Suck more toes.
04:05Make my walk even weirder.
04:13The one thing that might help is if you stay by Andrew's side.
04:17Live with him, without explanation, for the next 29 years.
04:22Sure, I'm going to do that anyway.
04:25And remember, your highness, if you're ever in too deep, just say the code word and we'll step in to
04:30save you.
04:31What's the code word?
04:32Pizza.
04:34Express.
04:36Woking.
04:39I'm not sure how I'd ever fit that into a conversation, but I'll make it sound as natural as possible.
04:45Good man.
04:46Good man.
04:47Well, here goes nothing.
04:49Gentlemen, thank you, and say goodbye to the man you know and love.
04:55I'll see you in 2026, where I can finally hold my head up high and say,
05:00Live from London, it's Saturday!
05:11It's Saturday Night Live!
05:16With...
05:18All right.
05:28...
05:51Anya Magliano
05:57Annabelle Marlowe
06:02Al Nash
06:08Jack Shep
06:14Emma Trini
06:22Paddy Young
06:28Musical guest Wolf Alice
06:35And your host Jamie Dorner
06:47Ladies and gentlemen, Jamie Dorner
06:52Thank you, thank you
07:07Thank you very much, I'm very happy to be here
07:10As the first ever host of SNL UK
07:13Since the first ever host of SNL UK
07:16My name is Jamie Dorner
07:18I am the star of the fall
07:22The Oscar winning film Belfast
07:24And of course, your auntie's favourite dreams
07:29Now over the years, you know, it's fair to say
07:31You've all seen a lot of me
07:35And by that I mean my arse
07:39But there is another part of me
07:41That you've not seen
07:44So tonight
07:46I've decided
07:50To follow broadcast guidelines
07:52And keep it that way
07:54But I will reveal something
07:56Far more intimate about myself
07:59Because I'm not just
08:00A sex symbol who
08:02Looks sexy in everything he does
08:05I am also a guy who collects rocks
08:10That look like potatoes
08:13Bring them out boys, come on
08:21There are my girls
08:25Look at these gorgeous little things
08:27And no, this isn't a joke
08:31God knows I wish it was
08:35And if you
08:36If you Google
08:38Jamie Dornan
08:39Potato rocks
08:40You'll see that I'm telling the truth
08:42Trust me, this is real
08:43I look for these
08:45When I'm on holiday
08:47I mean
08:48This one looks exactly like a chip
08:56You know, people say
08:57Well, you can't care that much
08:58Because you've only got five
09:01But that's wrong
09:01If I cared less
09:03I'd have way more
09:04My standards are like
09:05Very, very high
09:08Like take this one
09:09For example
09:10Can we get a close-up on this?
09:13I mean, isn't she beautiful?
09:19Seriously, this is who
09:20You want to sleep with?
09:21Not me, your rocks suck
09:23I think they're suck
09:26Hang on, I recognise that voice
09:27Is that Chris O'Dowd?
09:29That's right, it's me
09:30Your greatest enemy
09:31And personal friend
09:33Chris O'Dowd
09:34What's going on?
09:35Yeah, yeah, yeah
09:37Yeah
09:39What's going on?
09:42Yeah
09:43Couldn't help but notice
09:44That you're showing off
09:45Your spud rocks again
09:49You pebble slag
09:53Seriously, Chris
09:54I mean, do you really have to
09:55Turn up in the middle of
09:56Everything I do and ruin it?
09:58Is that what you're going to do?
09:59Seems that maybe
10:00I do have to do that, Jimmy
10:03Uh, okay
10:04Um, I don't really
10:06I mean, what do you want?
10:08Well, you are the man
10:09Who's got everything, huh?
10:11But maybe you don't have
10:13Everything
10:14Maybe you're missing
10:15A little something
10:20You've swapped one of my rocks
10:21For a potato
10:21Yes, I did do that
10:23For some reason
10:25And here's the best bit, huh?
10:29Smell it
10:32I'm not
10:33I'm not going to smell it
10:34Smell my spud, darn it
10:39Yeah, that's right
10:41It's not even Irish
10:44Just domestic slop
10:46Okay, right
10:47I'm sorry
10:48I'm going to have to deal with this
10:49We've got a great one for you tonight
10:51Wolf Alistair here
10:52So stick around
10:53Enjoy the show
10:54Right, come on
10:55Give me
10:55God, come on
10:56Go, God, come on
10:57Go, God, come on
11:05Go, God, come on
11:05Go, God, come on
11:05Go, God, come on
11:05Go, God, come on
11:06Hola, amigos
11:06We out here in Bristol Airport
11:09And we are going to España
11:11España
11:12The most beautiful place in the world
11:14A country of art, culture and culinary delights
11:18And when we get there
11:20There's only one place we're gonna go
11:46I know a place that I gotta get to
11:49Package holiday, flying jet too
11:52Three euro beer, two euro shot
11:54It's just like that pub by my house but hot
11:57Alicante, Mallorca and Benidorm
11:59I don't wanna speak Spanish in any form
12:02In your football shirt, in my carry-on
12:04So everybody knows I'm also from where they are from
12:08Everything we need
12:09Many we can read
12:10On the big screen
12:11They got West Ham leaves
12:13Come on
12:14Flexing while we Brexiting
12:15With Spanish and my lexicon
12:16I'm wearing a sombrero
12:18Even the VCs are Mexican
12:19I met a last request
12:20And I was sent to no protection
12:21Make a bunch of babies
12:22Bring them back
12:23To the British
12:24We're in the Mediterranean
12:28We're in the Mediterranean
12:28We're in the Mediterranean
12:29We're in the Mediterranean
12:29We're in the Mediterranean
12:34We're in the Mediterranean
12:41Forget I'm having four courses
12:43Eggs
12:43And chips
12:44And chips
12:44And chips
12:45Fish fingers and frozen garlic bread
12:47And lemon rings
12:48Meal damage if you act
12:49Playing the hits
12:50Sunburnt ladies are swinging the hitch
12:52Oh, we're going to Ibiza.
12:56Me and all my chicas to eat some chips and pizza.
13:01I know the British things.
13:02Hub, hub, hub, hub, hub.
13:05I'm playing darts with Dada.
13:06A British thing.
13:07Hub, hub, hub, hub.
13:09Why does Melissa look sad?
13:12Mmm.
13:13Un año en yo lingo pa' este día, say.
13:18Pero en el ba nadie me entiende que desastre.
13:22I don't know what you're saying.
13:31What the f*** are you talking about?
13:33Don't just make up words.
13:35Guys, this isn't right.
13:36We've come all this way just to replicate our own culture.
13:40Like, surely we should at least broaden our horizon.
13:42She's right. We're too narrow-minded.
13:44There's got to be more to Spain than British-themed pubs.
13:46Hey.
13:49I know a kiss.
13:55Follow me.
13:58To the Irish shoes.
14:00Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
14:02Only thing better than a British is an Irish shoe.
14:05Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
14:07Even though they are quite similar.
14:09Irish shoes.
14:09Come on, you sexy mamas.
14:11I got the Irish toppers.
14:12Got no potatoes, Travis, but I got the plain potatoes.
14:14From Dublin to Marbella.
14:15I've never tried paella.
14:17But I'm a lucky fella.
14:18Cause I own an Irish theme pole.
14:20In speed.
14:21EEE.
14:36I got the same frustrations on the beach.
14:37And then, after that one of my brothers and sisters,
14:50I got the same from the blackают who was on the beach.
14:52I've got Amy. She's alive and she stays that way if you listen carefully.
14:57I need 250 grand in cash. So I guess how much do you care about your girlfriend?
15:06What? What?
15:08Hi, sorry. Um...
15:12Um, it's just, we haven't really been, um, saying, uh, girlfriend, boyfriend.
15:19Um, but I'm really comfortable with, like, everything else you've said so far.
15:23Shut up, I'm warning you.
15:30I've got Amy. She's alive. And if you want to see your friend...
15:34Oh, no, sorry.
15:38Just to clarify, we are seeing each other. Like, he's practically my boyfriend.
15:45Um, yeah, you got it. You go. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
15:53I've got Amy. She's alive.
15:55God, it would just literally kill me if you knew I was referring to him as my boyfriend.
16:05Okay, so, you're sleeping together?
16:08Yeah, so, basically, we were friends first, um, and then we had this kiss, but it was just this, like,
16:17drunk thing, like, we didn't even speak about it, which is, like, crazy.
16:20Like, you would have thought, like, I'd have the confidence to, like, just bring it up, but, like, I'm not
16:24an extrovert, like, what everyone thinks.
16:26Like, I'm hesitant to join a conga line, for God's sake.
16:31So, yeah, then, like, a few weeks later, we, um, we randomly slept together, and then we just, like, kept
16:36sleeping together, and then you put me in the boot of your car, and now we're here.
16:39So, like, what would you define?
16:47Listen, when I was watching you, both through the tiny crack in the wardrobe door, I thought you looked really
16:56comfortable together.
17:02Girl, thank you for saying, um, like, I don't know, like, we do know each other intimately, and, like, like,
17:09I could describe his handwriting to you.
17:13Oh, my God!
17:15I'm so sorry, I don't know why I'm getting so upset.
17:18No, of course, I mean, this is an intense situation, I've got a gun.
17:22Um, I know I should just, like, not care, but, like, you're so fit, like, he's, like, a fit version
17:28of you.
17:30Yeah, I mean, hey, you don't have to tell me twice, you know, I saw him when I was creeping
17:34on you.
17:37Okay, like, you can, like, totally say if this is crazy, obviously, but, like, do you think there's a way
17:43you could ask him where his head's at?
17:48Girl, I gotta ask for the money anyway, so, of course!
17:53Um, just send it on my phone.
17:57Oh, I, I, I probably should have taken that off you before, huh?
18:01So, I'll, I'll text him?
18:03Um, no, we're not married, just Instagram DM.
18:05Oh.
18:11I have Amy.
18:12I need to know.
18:14Do you care about her?
18:16Do you want her to be your girlfriend?
18:19Do you have other girls to fall back on if she goes missing?
18:23I mean, what are your hopes for the future?
18:26Like, do you even want to have kids?
18:28And once I know all that, I'll send through the demands.
18:36Oh, my God!
18:37Do you feel so nervous?
18:38I know, like, what if he airs me?
18:40Oh.
18:40Oh.
18:41Hey, if he won't pay, if he won't pay 250 grand to stop me from chopping into little pieces, then
18:46he doesn't deserve you.
18:51Oh, my God!
18:52Oh, my God, he's typing.
18:55He stopped?
18:56Oh, should I send them another text?
18:57No, no, no, don't double text.
18:58Um, maybe we should upload an Instagram story of your little girl handing my boy and...
19:04Oh, my God!
19:04Okay, it's genius.
19:05Yeah.
19:06Oh, my God, he sent a video.
19:07Oh, my God.
19:08Oh, my God.
19:09Oh, my God.
19:09Oh, my God.
19:10Oh, my God.
19:24Oh, my God.
19:26Oh, my God.
19:27Oh, my God.
19:31I'm so sorry that's happened to you, babe.
19:33Babe, like, I'm sorry this has happened to you.
19:34Like, you clearly put so much work into, like, setting this whole thing up.
19:39No, it's, like, so not on that I'm going to have to kill you now.
19:43Babe, like, in the spirit of being direct, like, I have taken your gun.
19:49Okay.
19:50And I am going to escape.
19:52Oh, she's the CEO of her own future.
19:57Oh, my God.
20:00Promise me you won't go back to him.
20:02Babe, I will.
20:04Oh, my God.
20:18Sweetheart, it's one in the morning.
20:19What are you doing?
20:20Putting the clocks forward, Daddy.
20:22Daylight's saving time.
20:23If we don't change the clocks tonight, he'll get us.
20:27Who's going to get us, Eleanor?
20:28The Time Man.
20:30He waits for us at the end of every year and brings the new one in with song.
20:33He keeps the seasons in his pockets.
20:35The keeper of the clocks.
20:36The boogie woogie man.
20:38Jules Holland.
20:40It's just a myth, Eleanor.
20:42It's true.
20:43He brings the new year in with his hootenanny,
20:46and every spring he flies across the country to check that we've changed the clocks.
20:51And he's forgotten.
20:52He imprisons our souls in his boogie woogie wonderland.
20:55I know all the stories.
20:56Come on, let's get to bed, okay?
21:01It's too late.
21:03He's here.
21:04Who?
21:04Ladies and gentlemen, Olivia D.
21:07Oh, no.
21:09Five.
21:10Four.
21:11Better change the clocks.
21:12I'm nearly here.
21:13Three.
21:14Five.
21:15Two.
21:16Paloma fights him later.
21:17One.
21:18One.
21:20One.
21:21Good evening, everybody.
21:23Have you had a good winter?
21:25The하고's ready.
21:26Jane Cullen's here.
21:31Josh Stone, everyone, playing a cut-up
21:33for a new album, Super-Dip-A-Loud
21:36He wants his hour
21:38If we give him his hour, then he'll go
21:40Oh, very good, bang on time
21:42Sting will be pleased
21:50He forgot the oven
21:52Where's my hour?
21:58Big year for you, Dad, what's next?
22:01I think he wants an anecdote
22:03Does it have to be funny?
22:04Not really
22:04Tell the lovely people what's in store
22:06God, that's all over-handed
22:09Dad's here, everybody
22:10We love you, we welcome you
22:11More jewels
22:12Well, I'm not called Jewel, Holland, am I?
22:17Jessie J?
22:18What are you doing?
22:19I forgot to change the clocks on my DVD player
22:22Now the jewels are my soul
22:24You just give me my hour
22:27Why don't you join me
22:28In my boogie-woogie wonderland
22:31Forever
22:32Oh, oh, oh, oh
22:34Come to the day
22:39Dad?
22:41Lose an hour
22:42Not your dad
22:43Keep a clip forward tonight
22:45Visit dub.uk for us
22:47Ask where's J.D. Villa from there
22:49OK, just signing up, guys
22:54This is the big moment
22:56Mother and son reunited
22:58After years of war
22:59OK, we've got some eye drops
23:00If you need help with the crying
23:03I'm happy to give it a go with that
23:05Yeah, me too
23:05OK, right
23:06Well, let's just go for one
23:08See what happens
23:09Yeah?
23:10Rolling
23:12The battle within
23:13Take one
23:16And action
23:20Mother
23:21I'm home
23:28Oh, my son
23:31Oh, my son
23:34Oh, my son
23:36Oh, my son
23:42Oh, my son
23:49So, so, it's her line
23:50Oh, sorry
23:50Sorry
23:52Yes, so Stella
23:53A little quicker in on the line
23:54Yes, quicker on the line
23:55Yep, yep, yep
23:56OK, great
23:56And remember
23:57You're a mother
23:58Being reunited with her son
23:59OK
24:01Got it
24:02OK, rolling
24:04So, battle within
24:05Take two
24:08And action
24:11Mother
24:13I'm home
24:14Oh, my son
24:16Oh, my son
24:19Oh, my son
24:21Oh, my son
24:24I dreamed of this day
24:28Do I seem very different
24:31Well, um
24:32I need to
24:32I need to get a look at you
24:34To answer that
24:38You look the same as ever
24:40Oh, God
24:41I missed you, Mummy
24:43You know, I
24:45I had the strangest time
24:46I met this old man
24:50Whoa
24:50Whoa
24:52Whoa
24:52Whoa
24:52Whoa
24:52Whoa
24:53Whoa
24:53Whoa
24:54I don't think that's the story, love
24:56No, no, no
24:57Sorry, no
24:57Sorry, I wasn't
24:58No, I was just leaning in
24:59To listen
25:00I was like
25:00What are you saying?
25:03OK
25:03Yeah
25:04So, Stella
25:05You're playing his mother
25:06Yeah, yeah
25:07OK
25:08Do you think, um
25:09The skirt's maybe like
25:10A little bit cinched
25:11For mum
25:11Yeah, I'm not worried about that
25:12Yeah, yeah, yeah
25:13OK
25:13We're losing time
25:14Michael
25:15We really need to get that speech
25:16Are you happy to just go for it?
25:17Yeah, I'm ready
25:18Yeah, yeah
25:18OK, Stella
25:19Just reactions from you
25:21OK
25:21Really almost nothing at all
25:23Yeah
25:23OK
25:23We're still rolling
25:25All right
25:25Just reactions
25:27Action
25:30I know I'm back
25:31But in a sense
25:33I'm not really here
25:35Mm-hmm
25:37The things I've seen
25:39Yeah
25:40The things I've done
25:41Oh
25:45Mother
25:48My mother
25:50Yeah
25:50Yeah
25:50Yes
25:51I've done some bad things
25:53Oh, yes
25:54I mean, no
25:56Oh, no
25:56Oh, no
25:58It keeps me up at night
26:00Oh
26:00All night long, son
26:03I did some terrible things
26:05In
26:06In the war
26:07Oh, naughty
26:09You were so naughty
26:11In the war
26:13Cut
26:13I'm sorry
26:14I'm sorry
26:14I'm sorry
26:15This is not working for me at all
26:17This is
26:17Get her out of here
26:18No, no, no, no
26:19I can do it
26:19No, I can do it
26:20I can do it
26:20No, I'm on my side
26:21My sexy son
26:24They thought there was a chance
26:25This might happen
26:26So don't worry
26:27We've already got another actress
26:28Lined up ready to go
26:29Come on
26:30Oh, my son
26:34What is happening?
26:35No, wait
26:36I actually like this one
26:38Okay, let's dance, everyone
26:47Ladies and gentlemen, Wolf Alice
26:50Let's dance, everyone
26:55Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go
27:00My love has magnetic properties
27:03Roll the skull off from the island like they came from me
27:07I don't need a soul
27:08My heart don't like a tattoo
27:10Just need an answer to the question in the taxi
27:13My sister paints a treat like blasphemy
27:16But I never thought it was an answer to the challenge
27:19It's my choice to choose who I am
27:22There's a family
27:23My choice to choose, yeah
27:24My choice to choose, yeah
27:26Now who I am
27:28That's important to me
27:32Do what I got
27:34To see the wind from the trees
27:38Now who I am
27:41That's important to me
27:44That the branch is right there
27:49I could just wander always
27:55Like a leaf on the side of the trees
27:58I do not need no room in
28:02I carry you home with me
28:05To be a nomad and dirty
28:08On the waves of the jungle sea
28:11I can see the wind of the way
28:14Why for the sky with me
28:31I can't love it
28:32I can't love it
28:33Have magnetic properties
28:34Wrote a skull off from the island like they came from me
28:37I don't need to soul my unknown identity
28:40Just need an answer to the question in the taxi
28:44My sister paints apathy
28:46Life, blasphemy
28:47I've seen God's right on
28:48People closest to me
28:50My choice to choose who I am
28:52Brace in family
28:53I choose you
28:55Yeah, I choose you
28:56Now here I am
28:59That's important to me
29:02Do what I get
29:05To see the wind from the trees
29:09Now here I am
29:12That's important to me
29:15Let the branches wrap their arms
29:21I can just wander always
29:26Like a leaf on the sunfish breeze
29:29I do not need no room in
29:33I carry you home with me
29:36To be a nomad and dirty
29:39On the waves of the jungle sea
29:42I can see the wind of the wind
29:46White horses stare with me
29:49To be a nomad and dirty
29:52That's important to me
29:54Do what I got
29:57To see the wind from the trees
30:01Of the wind
30:03That's important to me
30:07Let the branches wrap their arms
30:12Let the branches wrap their arms
30:21I can just wander always
30:24Like a leaf on the sunfish breeze
30:27I do not need no room in
30:31I carry you home with me
30:34To be a nomad and dirty
30:37On the waves of the jungle sea
30:40I can see the wind of the wind
30:44One force is right
30:59I can see the wind of the jungle sea
31:01I can see the wind of the jungle sea
31:04I can see the wind of the jungle sea
31:06I can see the wind of the jungle sea
31:06I can see the wind of the jungle sea
31:06I can see the wind of the jungle sea
31:06I can see the wind of the jungle sea
31:06I can see the wind of the jungle sea
31:07I can see the wind of the jungle sea
31:09I can see the wind of the jungle sea
31:10I can see the wind of the jungle sea
31:13I can see the wind of the jungle sea
31:20It's Weekend Update with Anya Magliano and Paddy Young.
31:33Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update.
31:37I'm Paddy Young.
31:38And I'm Anya Magliano.
31:42In a world of darkness, horror and despair,
31:45we're here to make it worse.
31:48Let's have it.
31:51The conflict in the Middle East continues to escalate.
31:55Israel has intercepted a missile from Yemen,
31:57which has been identified as a Houthi missile.
32:00As in, Houthi hell fired that missile.
32:04While Trump has been insisting that Iran wants a deal so badly,
32:08an Iranian military spokesperson has said, quote,
32:11our first and last word from the very first day
32:14has been, is and will remain.
32:17Someone like us will never come to terms with someone like you.
32:20Not now and not ever.
32:22Oh my God, just kiss already.
32:28Corey Edwards, a reform candidate in Wales,
32:30has stepped down after being photographed
32:32while appearing to do a Nazi salute.
32:35Reform leader Nigel Farage said it looks terrible.
32:37And he's right.
32:38The arm's too low.
32:39He's grinning.
32:41And where's his swastika?
32:42When did Nazis get so sloppy?
32:45Chancellor Rachel Reeves has indicated
32:48that millions of households will get no help from the government
32:51to pay soaring energy bills.
32:53Thanks, bitch.
32:58A US congressman has made a direct plea to Sarah Ferguson
33:01to testify about her close personal and business ties
33:05to Jeffrey Epstein.
33:06But to be fair to Fergie, she does have a full diary.
33:14Reports have revealed that in the upcoming musical adaptation
33:17of Trainspotting, the main character will be addicted
33:20not only to heroin, but also to social media.
33:24The show will premiere in July and is being directed
33:27by your year 11 drama teacher.
33:31Leonid Ravinsky, the owner of OnlyFans, has died.
33:34So gentlemen, when you're visiting the site this week,
33:36lower your penises to half mass.
33:41Beautiful funeral, by the way.
33:43Wasn't a dry tissue in the house.
33:47And now, it seems like the whole world is at war.
33:51Russia and Ukraine, the Middle East,
33:53Chapel Rhone and that tiny girl.
33:56By the way, it was actually Sabrina Carpenter's bodyguard.
33:58But anyway, war.
33:59We could just keep making jokes about it.
34:02But first, we do want to check.
34:04Are you OK?
34:10This is Hand in Hand with Anya and Pad.
34:14We're here to tell you that it's going to be OK.
34:16Because we've got each other.
34:18World War III.
34:19Sounds scary, huh?
34:20But we've already had two.
34:24And don't they say good things come in threes?
34:26Good things can come from war.
34:29Antibiotics, jet engines, something to talk to your dad about.
34:33If London gets bombed, house prices will drop.
34:37And so will house numbers.
34:39We'll all get to live across the two houses that are left.
34:42Like in Friends.
34:44It might sound scary to have missiles rain down on us.
34:47But look on the bright side.
34:49Stephen Bartlett might get his face blown off.
34:55And who's to say we won't come out on top?
34:58As a nation, we've beaten them all.
34:59The French, the Germans, foot and mouth.
35:03And sure, the bad guys might win and we end up speaking Ukrainian.
35:10But don't worry.
35:11We're in this together.
35:13We've got you.
35:14We've got each other.
35:15This has been Hand in Hand with Paddy and Anya.
35:25Research has found that pregnant women on the tube
35:28have to stand for an average of five stops
35:31before being offered a seat.
35:32It seems like a bit of basic social etiquette.
35:35But please, if you're watching men, wear a condom.
35:40Lux Maxine influencer Clavicula has been arrested.
35:43And I'm sure he has no regrets about dedicating his life
35:46to making himself look like a beautiful young boy
35:48right before he was taken to jail.
35:54The former Tory justice minister, Crispin Blunt,
35:57has admitted to hosting chemsex parties
36:00and has been fined £1,200 for possessing illegal drugs,
36:04including crystal meth and the sedative GBL.
36:07I have to say, he looks surprisingly grumpy
36:10for someone who loves being jacked up on meth.
36:14Blunt told the court that he got involved
36:16in the chemsex party scene to help inform government policy.
36:21Blunt is set to publish his research
36:23in a parliamentary advisory paper entitled,
36:25Oh, my God, guys, you have to try chemsex.
36:29In his speech to the court, Blunt called for all drugs to be legalised,
36:33but he acknowledged that the chemsex lifestyle did carry risks,
36:37like coming so hard you drop your poppers.
36:41Trust me, it happens.
36:43In lighter news, the town of Grantham in Lincolnshire
36:47has announced that it's reviving its medieval onion fair.
36:50The event on October 10th will see onion tastings,
36:54onion-themed street food, onion-flavoured drinks
36:56and an onion-eating competition.
36:58So if you're looking for something fun to do on October 10th,
37:02why not avoid Grantham?
37:05An AI-generated military influencer and foot fetish model
37:09has reached over a million followers on Instagram.
37:12There she is in her military-grade stilettos.
37:16Honestly, what kind of a sad, sexually frustrated loser
37:20would sit alone fantasising about her
37:22for hours in my bedroom last night?
37:25A new documentary reveals K-pop group BTS
37:29struggled to return to music after mandatory military service.
37:32So, did the stress of this overstimulate Jimin,
37:35causing Sunflower Spillover and Microsnaps towards Jungkook?
37:39And what now?
37:40Will V's whimsical detours cause the deep-thinker RM
37:42to become overprotective?
37:44And what about the push-ball duo of Sugar and J-Hope?
37:47Can Jin be the quiet stabiliser,
37:49anchoring Jungkook with Microbubble Maintenance?
37:51Or will V use his whimsy shield to offset bubble drift
37:54and soften Jimin with mirror gestures?
37:57No idea.
37:59I've never even heard of BTS.
38:03A new report has said that birth rates in the UK are falling
38:07and for a change, us girls are getting the blame for it.
38:10Reform's Matt Goodwin has said that the problem
38:12is women having children too late in life.
38:16You know who I wish left having a baby
38:18till it was too late in life, Matt Goodwin?
38:20Your mum.
38:22Here to discuss the ins and outs,
38:24please welcome our own fertility expert and cast member,
38:26Ayo Adi Banboe!
38:31Thank you for having me.
38:33So, Ayo Adi, you're here to explain
38:36why you think birth rates are plummeting?
38:38Yes, and the media would have you thinking
38:40that this is a complex issue,
38:41but it's actually quite simple.
38:43We're not being honest about what the real problem is here.
38:46Women not wanting to have babies?
38:48Women not wanting to have babies with men like you.
38:52Like me?
38:53How is this my fault?
38:54Paddy, no one looks at you and thinks,
38:56yes, your genes must be preserved for the next generation.
39:00What's wrong with old pads?
39:01When was the last time you changed your bedding?
39:03Can you drive?
39:04Have you drunk water today?
39:06Had a shower?
39:07How is he going to impregnate anyone?
39:10He's completely dehydrated.
39:11His sperm probably looks like dusty oak.
39:14Wait, wait a second.
39:15What if I told you that most women actually want to have children?
39:18And I'm going to have to say the quiet part out loud.
39:21The fact of the matter is
39:22men are very, very difficult to be around.
39:27Anya, have you watched a man eat?
39:31It's not good.
39:32It's so scary.
39:34This generation of men just aren't up to it.
39:37They're easily overwhelmed.
39:38Some even have the audacity to grow a moustache.
39:42Moustache is for men with full driving license.
39:46So, what is your solution to a generation of women
39:49being repulsed by the idea of having my children?
39:51I'm so glad you asked.
39:52To me, we have two options.
39:54We bank the sperm of the gays,
39:56the practicing gays to be exact.
39:58And we just use that, yes.
40:00Or we milk three to five high-value males
40:04whose seed would actually be useful to us.
40:07So, for example, people like
40:08Martin Lewis, money-saving expert.
40:11Yes!
40:13Ayuade, we can't milk Martin Lewis.
40:15We need him on the front line.
40:16To be fair, you're right.
40:17You're right.
40:18We can't lose our strongest soldier.
40:20Thank you for joining us fertility expert
40:22Ayuade Bamboye, everybody.
40:25For Weekend Update, I'm Paddy Young.
40:27I'm Emmanuel Magliano.
40:28Good night.
40:29Good night.
41:03Please, I can't do it anymore.
41:06Please.
41:06You're coming with me.
41:07Please.
41:14This ain't right.
41:17This ain't right.
41:19My damn for crap's sake.
41:20If they hear you, it'll be lessons for all of us.
41:23You.
41:24What is it we do here?
41:25I can't.
41:26I can't.
41:27I need to hear you say it.
41:28What is it we do here?
41:31You know when you open a hot wrap from Pret or McDonald's.
41:34And part of the wrap sticks to the inside of the packet.
41:38So when you take it out, the whole wrap completely falls apart.
41:42We're the people who glue down that bit of a wrap.
41:50I can't do this anymore.
41:53I can't do this anymore.
41:55It ain't right.
41:59Glue in all day.
42:01Glue in all night.
42:03Glue in wraps.
42:07Will they join my fight?
42:13Oh, God.
42:15Here, Arketer.
42:16The people's princess.
42:18Seen her kind before, haven't we, Marty?
42:21Brave.
42:22Rebellious.
42:23Doesn't understand the wrap gluing thing.
42:27Pipe down, little girl.
42:29You ain't got a clue.
42:31Shut that shiny mouth of yours.
42:33You ain't too much a clue.
42:35We like things how we like them.
42:37We're never so scared of change.
42:40Being alive is suffering.
42:41We exist to remind you of that.
42:46But would it be so bad if the wraps came out in one piece?
42:51Face facts, Freckles.
42:53It's rotten work, but someone's got to do it.
42:57Do they, though?
42:59Do I smell unglued wraps?
43:02Quick, it's a pullman.
43:08I am a man and that is good to run this factory.
43:13My wife is dead.
43:15I hate the poor.
43:16And I'm the mayor.
43:21Well, well, well.
43:23If it ain't my stinky little workforce
43:26with their horrible faces
43:28living their miserable lives.
43:31Oh, doing exactly what they're told, I'm sure.
43:37Huh.
43:41Who is responsible for this?
43:46I said, who is responsible for this?
43:53Oh, tired, sweetheart.
43:56Cream cracker from glue and wraps.
44:00Oh, you've got to always work in my other factory.
44:04When we stick fruit polos together
44:06so they can deal into one weird cylinder.
44:13Tired.
44:15I'm not tired.
44:17I'm the opposite of tired, whatever that is.
44:21In fact, I'm just getting started.
44:26Stop her!
44:28Please, can't you see why we're here?
44:30We are ruining the lunches of innocent folk.
44:33We mustn't turn our backs on the packs
44:35of the people on the street
44:36who need us the most.
44:38We can't.
44:39You with the glue, which is true.
44:40What I'm saying will stop sticking in your brain.
44:42You're not listening.
44:43Same old story being said.
44:45Try your rap instead.
44:46Bad luck, it's stuck.
44:49We can't give up, my friend.
44:54No.
45:00She's right.
45:01I joined the fight.
45:03Me too.
45:04And me.
45:04She'll set us free a new life.
45:07No strife.
45:08Also, how is this a job?
45:12Whoa.
45:13Get off me.
45:14I said, get off me.
45:16He's going to fall into the furnace.
45:18No one will be but touching him.
45:19It's a power of God.
45:21Curse you, you bloody little bitch.
45:24Whoa.
45:25Ah.
45:34Wow.
45:38His reign of terror is over.
45:41People of the factory what glues down wraps, we're finally free to get new jobs in an Amazon warehouse.
45:50Yes!
45:52Yes!
45:53Yes!
45:55Yes!
45:56Yes!
45:57Yes!
45:57Yes!
45:59I'm Olly Duggan, and I'm Matty Duggan, and we are the Bean Crows.
46:04Growing up, we never had much, but there was always two things we could rely on.
46:08Our lovely Nanny Sue, and her legendary Beans on Toast.
46:13Four years ago, our beautiful Nanny Sue took out our life savings, so that we could follow
46:17our dreams and open our very own food truck.
46:22And since then, we've sold over 50 million beans to happy customers up and down the country.
46:27We owe everything we have to our dear Nanny Sue and our kick-ass secret recipe.
46:32And before you ask, aye, our Nanny Sue is that Sue Duggan.
46:37Recently dubbed a toxic widow because last week, she was convicted of injecting a bus
46:41full of children with Hepatitis C.
46:46And before you ask, no, we don't know why she did it.
46:49And before you ask, yes, we have cut ties with our Nanny Sue completely.
46:54We're opening our first real restaurant tomorrow, and the timing could not be worse.
47:01We've got classic beans, we've got Nashville barbecue beans, we've got Thai bean curry beans.
47:06And before you ask, no, the beans will not give you Hepatitis.
47:10And before you ask, yes, some of the children are still in comas.
47:14Also, before you ask, yes, we are both considering chemical castration,
47:19just to make sure the evil in our bloodline dies with us.
47:27We also do chicken wings.
47:30And beans goes to our three things we are passionate about.
47:33Big flavours, good vibes, and a Tory for the sins of our wicked family.
47:37That's why we've partnered with a local charity that helps rehabilitate grandmothers convicted of serious violent crime.
47:43This is Jenny. She cut the brakes on her daughter-in-law's Vauxhall Corsa.
47:48Sandra posted a letter bomb to her next-door neighbour because they left their Christmas lights up too long.
47:54Deborah threw acid at an Uber driver.
47:57Before you ask, yes, it was racially motivated.
48:02Fuck!
48:03Fuck!
48:03This is hell!
48:05Oh, I didn't realise we had to do it ourselves!
48:07So come on down to Beans Bros, because those kids are not coming back.
48:11And we don't want to go to hell!
48:14And we don't want to go to hell!
48:19Once again, Wolf Ellis!
48:28It really, really made the room sing
48:32The way you said my name
48:38Like you could not believe I'll be here
48:43Though our friends are all the same
48:48I wanted you to walk on over
48:53But you turned and went the other way
48:58I followed you around the corner
49:03And I'll always picture you this way
49:06Beating against the wall
49:12You put my world in just love more
49:22You put my name on in love
49:26You put my name on in love
49:28You put my name on in love
49:31We come
49:33Doesn't anybody love you more than I do?
49:51Is love our greatest performance?
49:57I thought as you spun me around
50:02Perfect displays of affection
50:06Well, it takes two
50:08So there's always a crowd
50:11I dance so you will watch me
50:16That doesn't hurt my pride
50:21I like the thrill of night before me
50:26My music, courage on my mind
50:29You're leaning against the wall
50:35You put my world in just love more
50:42You put my world in just love more
50:45You put my name on in love
50:54You put my name on in love
51:01You put my name on in love
51:09You put my name on in love
51:19You put my name on in love
51:20You put my name on in love
51:20You put my name on in love
51:21You put my name on in love
51:24You put my name on in love
51:25You put my name on in love
51:35I've been描く
51:38I've been描く
51:43I've been描く
51:48I'm not in here
51:57I'm in love
52:45Oh, all right.
52:47Home time, I think.
52:47Oh, sorry, look, I've been trying to keep my cool all night,
52:52but I'm such a huge fan of yours.
52:54Like, I can't believe ex-international rugby player
52:57Jason Robertson, OBE, is actually dating my wife's best friend.
53:02Oh, thanks.
53:04You know, I have to say I was quite good at rugby myself.
53:08Oh, yeah?
53:10Yeah, yeah, yeah.
53:10No, I probably could have gone pro if it wasn't for my...
53:12Oh, no, no, no.
53:13Please, please don't say me.
53:15All right, I hate that.
53:17Do you know how many people come up to me and say,
53:18oh, I could have gone pro if it weren't for my knee?
53:21No, you couldn't go pro because you weren't good enough.
53:25No, I was good enough.
53:27It wasn't actually my knee.
53:29I had a different, like, a rare condition.
53:32What condition?
53:36Oh, oh, one sec.
53:38I'm just going to get another drink.
53:39All right.
53:41Did he finally mention the rugby?
53:42Yeah, big time.
53:43Oh, he loves it so much.
53:45Bless him.
53:45Did he freak out?
53:46Oh, no, no.
53:47He was going on about how he could have gone pro if it weren't for his condition.
53:52His what?
53:52Yeah.
53:53Babe, sorry, can I see you in the kitchen for a second?
53:55Yeah.
53:55Yeah.
53:57What's up?
53:59Uh, I've gone and bloody cut my balls off and super glued them onto my hips, haven't I?
54:10You've what?
54:15I've cut off my balls and stuck them to my hips.
54:18What part of that don't you understand?
54:22Why?
54:24I panicked.
54:25I panicked.
54:26I needed a serious condition, otherwise he's not going to like me.
54:30He's going to think I'm just one of those, like,
54:32I could have been a pro if it wasn't for my knee, guys.
54:35You are that.
54:37Please.
54:37This is my last chance to be friends with a genuine rugby player.
54:40Just let me have this.
54:43Fine.
54:44Fine.
54:49Does anyone want more wine?
54:52Because I don't need a drink.
54:55You all right, mate?
54:56Yeah.
55:00He's got this rare condition and it's just flaring up.
55:04Don't be ashamed, Jonathan.
55:05Show them.
55:08Yeah.
55:09Uh.
55:14Whoa!
55:15What the fuck?
55:16Whoa!
55:17Whoa!
55:17Whoa!
55:20Yeah, I was born with it.
55:23It's called, um, it's called scrotumus hiptumums.
55:29Oh, what?
55:30How did that stop you playing?
55:33It's a great question.
55:34Uh.
55:36Um, everything was going great.
55:38You know, I kept it sort of hidden until I was about 15 and then my balls dropped.
55:43And, uh, it became a problem during, uh, lineouts, you know, so, so painful, you know,
55:48getting picked up from my waist, like, crushing my balls, so, yeah.
55:53Oh, and, um, during scrums, yeah, the scrums, the lads would, you know, they'd have their
55:58ear pressed against, you know, eating my, my balls.
56:02Whoa!
56:03Wow!
56:04I'm not going to lie.
56:05It would be hard to go pro with those.
56:08You know?
56:09You, you'd be in the showers looking like a, like a sparsely decorated Christmas tree.
56:14Sorry.
56:15Sorry, mate.
56:15Sorry, mate.
56:15That was above the belt.
56:18No, no, I was expecting you to struggle, man.
56:20I was...
56:22Is he good, yeah?
56:23He's fine.
56:24All right.
56:25Well, see you at work, Soph.
56:26All right.
56:26Great to see you, Jason.
56:27Let yourselves out.
56:28Bye, Jason.
56:29See you.
56:29See you.
56:32Oh.
56:34Oh.
56:35Oh.
56:36Oh, my God.
56:38Oh.
56:39So, Soph's just asked if Jason can have your number.
56:42Yes!
56:42Yes!
56:43Well done!
56:44Oh, my balls!
56:45Oh!
56:46Oh!
57:03Well, my biggest thanks to Will Ballas, the crystal guy.
57:06Huge thank you to the cast, the writers, everyone working on the show for making such a great week.
57:11Good night!
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