- 5 hours ago
Saturday Night Live UK - Season 1 - Episode 01: Tina Fey / Wet Leg
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TVTranscript
00:00:11Oh
00:00:14Golly, well, well, what if Donald shouts at me?
00:00:19What do I say labby?
00:00:23Just be yourself Prime Minister yourself is who everyone likes
00:00:30Hello
00:00:35I've sought that scary scary wonderful president
00:00:40Why so blubber difficult to talk to?
00:00:44Just be honest and tell them we can't send any more ships to the Strait of Hormuz Oh
00:00:50Crumbs, I just hate conflict so much
00:00:55Are you referring to the wall or this phone call?
00:00:57Isn't there a way I can not do both?
00:01:01I just want to keep him happy labby
00:01:04You don't understand him like I do. I could change him I
00:01:11Don't think the feelings mutual he can't stop insulting you he called you a coward
00:01:16I'm out of my depth here labby
00:01:19How did this trust make this job look so easy?
00:01:25Look we were worried you'd lose your nerve so we've taken steps to help you gain unfounded confidence
00:01:31Mr. Prime Minister meet your Gen Z advisor at Luke Hoopie
00:01:34What's off Stamzy?
00:01:35Boop, boop, boop
00:01:38Is the most qualified person we have he is the only person under 23 who voted Labour and would so
00:01:44again in the next election
00:01:47You're not voting for the Green Party
00:01:49Nah, my dad works in oil
00:01:52No cap Stamzy, I love you and I do hearts this way with my thumb
00:01:57Thank you at little hoopie. I love you too
00:02:02Sirk here is trying to set boundaries with the president while preserving their special relationship
00:02:07Mmm, I see. Facts. Facts. Okay, so you're looking for more of a special situation ship. Okay, I've got you
00:02:14covered
00:02:15I'm an expert in messy drama. I've been in three throuples, and I'm currently gay
00:02:22First thing you've got to do you've got to forget the phone call these days all about the voice note.
00:02:27Oh, I'll try anything. I'll do anything
00:02:31Except take a stand
00:02:35So care-coded hey listen take the phone and just speak from the heart
00:02:42Hi Donald
00:02:45I'm afraid I can't go to war with you
00:02:48That doesn't mean we can't still be chums
00:02:53America and Britain have a long proud tradition of cooperation and nothing can take that away
00:03:00Remember the good times
00:03:02Remember D-Day
00:03:05Remember Live Aid
00:03:08Remember Iraq
00:03:11For the first week and then none of the rest
00:03:16Remember
00:03:16Remember Helen Baxendale of friends
00:03:20Remember Hugh Laurie on friends
00:03:23Remember the episode of friends where they all came to London
00:03:28Remember the one where Joey put on all of childless clothes
00:03:34That was a funny one
00:03:39Get back on tracks I get yes most importantly remember the one where Ross and Rachel were on a break
00:03:46I
00:03:48Think perhaps that's what we need
00:03:50Not forever just until you've got all this war out of your system
00:03:55Listen we want different things I know how badly you want to start world war three and that's great
00:04:04You should absolutely do that but we can't be a part of it
00:04:09You can however use the naval bases whenever you want
00:04:14Me bassa sue bassa
00:04:20Me bassa sue bassa
00:04:44And embrace their wonderful
00:04:46And embrace their wonderful unproblematic culture
00:04:48Speaking of which
00:04:51Speaking of which
00:04:52Live from London
00:04:53It's Saturday
00:05:04It's Saturday Night Live
00:05:07Lee
00:05:09Wynn
00:05:12Hammond
00:05:13Iкеa
00:05:19Ayoade Bromboye, Larry Dean, Celeste Spring, George Foreacres,
00:05:44Anya Magliano, Annabelle Marlowe, Al Nash, Jack Sheff, Emma Ciddy,
00:06:15Paddy Yard,
00:06:22Musical guest, Wet Legs,
00:06:28And your host, Tina Fey,
00:06:40Ladies and gentlemen, Tina Fey,
00:07:02Thank you very much. Oh, my gosh. I am so excited to be here in London. It is an absolute
00:07:08honor, and honestly, kind of historic. Guys, I am the youngest person.
00:07:14Ever to host SNL UK.
00:07:20Again, my name is Tina Fey. Here in the UK, you might know me as the teacher from Mean Girls.
00:07:29Or you might remember a long time ago when I played Sarah Palin on SNL US.
00:07:37Or maybe you feel like you recognize me as the lady from the show Veep.
00:07:42And that's fine, too. Let's go with that. So why do a UK version of SNL? Well, like so many
00:07:50large-scale American operations these days, no one really knows why.
00:07:56But here's what this is, okay? It is a sketch comedy show. There will be a different celebrity host each
00:08:02week. There will be music performances. And the show is truly live. So things may go wrong.
00:08:09Things may have already gone wrong. My pants were supposed to be full length.
00:08:14And I'm so excited for you to meet your cast. They are wonderful. I can't even begin to understand them
00:08:22when they speak.
00:08:23One boy is either Scottish or choking.
00:08:28But their energy is A+.
00:08:30And I'm gonna stay out of their way tonight as much as possible.
00:08:34I'm just here as a long-time SNL employee to help out and to answer, like, any questions anyone might
00:08:42have of what to...
00:08:43Oh, hi! Yeah, Nicola Coughlin!
00:08:49It is lovely to see you. But my question is, if this is SNL UK, then why are you the
00:08:57first host?
00:08:58Like, shouldn't it be, like, a British icon, like David Beckham or Judi Dench or, like, Shrek?
00:09:03Yeah. Shrek, wait, Shrek is British?
00:09:06Scotland isn't Britain, Tina. Educate yourself.
00:09:10Sorry, I told you.
00:09:11Well, that is a valid question. Why an American host?
00:09:15And the way it was explained to me was that for this first episode anyway,
00:09:20how do I put this politely, none of you fuckers would do it?
00:09:26Does that make sense?
00:09:27It does, yeah. It does, but...
00:09:30Is it possible that many of us were a little reluctant to be in the first show because this is
00:09:35going out in Britain?
00:09:36And British people tend to root for the failure of others.
00:09:40Yeah, yeah, why are you guys like that?
00:09:43Well, not me, I'm Irish.
00:09:46Educate yourself.
00:09:49Look, that all is to say, if this show is a hit and if you do ever happen to get
00:09:52Olly Murs for Musical Guest,
00:09:54I would be honored to come back and win a BAFTA for it.
00:09:59That's great to know. Thank you, Nicola.
00:10:04Any other questions?
00:10:06Oh, sure. Michael Cera.
00:10:08Hi.
00:10:13Hi, Tina.
00:10:14Hi, Michael. Why are you here? You're not British.
00:10:17No, I'm Canadian. It's part of the Commonwealth. Educate yourself.
00:10:23Sorry.
00:10:24No, I don't really have a question, but I just wanted to say, I think you just swore a second
00:10:28ago. You said the F word.
00:10:29Oh, yeah, we are allowed to swear in this version of the show.
00:10:37It's crazy. Can I try?
00:10:39Sure, if you want to.
00:10:42Shit bird.
00:10:44Just fucking bollocks.
00:10:49I think I would use it sparingly. It feels kind of, I'm classy.
00:10:51Yeah, you know what? That's, you're right. I agree, Michael. That's a great note. Thank you so much.
00:10:59Time for one more. Oh, yes. Graham Norton.
00:11:05So nice to see you. I just wondered, did you know that this is usually my studio?
00:11:11Yeah, I did hear that, Graham. Thank you for loaning it to us.
00:11:14Oh, would you mind if I came up there and just showed you a fiddly thing about this place?
00:11:18Oh, I would love it. Come on, Graham Norton, everybody.
00:11:23Great.
00:11:24Thank you, thank you, thank you.
00:11:26Now, Tina, I believe you've always had a deep love of British comedy.
00:11:32Are you interviewing me now?
00:11:34Let me help you.
00:11:36I have a gift for making American celebrities likable to a British audience.
00:11:41Wait, are we not likable?
00:11:43Oh.
00:11:46Hey, I hear you have a really funny story about watching British television as a young child.
00:11:52Oh, well, yes, actually.
00:11:54Growing up, we thought that anything British was educational.
00:11:57So my parents showed us all British shows and we used to watch Benny Hill as a family.
00:12:04No. As a young girl, you would watch Benny Hill?
00:12:07No. You know, it really messed me up sexually.
00:12:12What about ABFAB?
00:12:13Oh, sweetie, darling. You're just a little shop girl, darling.
00:12:15Keeping up appearances.
00:12:17Richard!
00:12:18Monty Python.
00:12:19That is an ex-parrot.
00:12:21Fawlty Towers.
00:12:22Nobody mention the war.
00:12:23Are you being served?
00:12:24My pussy is like an alarm club.
00:12:27Reggie Perrin.
00:12:28I didn't get where I am today by waffling.
00:12:30Deep cut, Monty Python.
00:12:32We lived in shoebox in middle of road.
00:12:35East Enders.
00:12:36I killed Ethel.
00:12:40David Fred.
00:12:43David Fred.
00:12:43There's been a rape up there.
00:12:45And dark trends.
00:12:47Nothing beats a Jet 2 holiday.
00:12:50Autoglass repair.
00:12:51Autoglass replace.
00:12:52Autoglass repair.
00:12:54They're all yours now, Tina.
00:12:56All yours.
00:12:57We've done a great show.
00:12:58Wet Leg is here.
00:12:59Stick around and watch this.
00:13:06When it comes to age defying skin care, I don't need a time machine.
00:13:12I just need something that works.
00:13:14So I can bring back the spark in me.
00:13:17And in us.
00:13:21And now, I've found it.
00:13:23The anti-aging cream that works so well.
00:13:26Everyone will think your husband is a nonce.
00:13:31She's my wife.
00:13:32She's a grown woman.
00:13:33Shut your mouth.
00:13:34You made me sick.
00:13:35You made me sick.
00:13:39Introducing Indoraj.
00:13:41With active compounds and hyaluronic acid, Indoraj delivers special protection for your skin.
00:13:47And ensures your husband will need special protection when he's in jail.
00:13:51My wife's skin has never looked more youthful and fresh.
00:13:54It's destroyed my life.
00:13:55Thanks, Indoraj.
00:13:57My skin looks so fresh, my husband can't go anywhere without being hunted by right-wing paedophile-catching militias.
00:14:04You're nuts!
00:14:05You're done with me now!
00:14:07You're done with me!
00:14:09Someone's at the door.
00:14:11Thanks Indoraj.
00:14:13My husband is no longer allowed within 200 feet of a score.
00:14:17My husband lost his record deal.
00:14:20And some, but not all, of his fans.
00:14:24He loves the way I look.
00:14:26Yeah, but, you know, not like that.
00:14:28Sorry.
00:14:29Excuse me.
00:14:31Little girl.
00:14:32Do you know this man?
00:14:33What?
00:14:35You sick bastard.
00:14:37He's married to an Indoraj girl.
00:14:39He's married to an Indoraj girl.
00:14:42I'm married to an underage girl.
00:14:45I'm gonna have I pronounced that right.
00:14:48No, no, no, no.
00:14:49No, I didn't mean that.
00:14:51No, it's the name of the thing.
00:14:54Indoraj.
00:14:55I'm not underage.
00:14:57Or am I?
00:14:58She's not.
00:14:59She's not.
00:15:00Indoraj by Peter Lay.
00:15:10Hello, I'm David Attenborough.
00:15:15And it can't be long now.
00:15:21As the only remaining national treasure not on that list,
00:15:26I enjoy a place as one of 90% of the British public's dream dinner party guests.
00:15:34But I'm often asked, who would be on mine?
00:15:38Well, using DNA sampling and my own brother's Jurassic Park technology,
00:15:44I have reanimated some of history's greatest Britons for one night only.
00:15:50So that I can ask them, what really makes Britain great?
00:15:55This is David Attenborough's Last Supper.
00:16:07I'd like to welcome my guests.
00:16:10Prime Minister Winston Churchill.
00:16:14Astronomer and mathematician Sir Isaac Newton.
00:16:18Nurse Mary C. Cole.
00:16:22Diana, Princess of Wales.
00:16:27Author, Agatha Christie.
00:16:31Poet, Benjamin Zephaniah.
00:16:34Freddie Mercury from Queen.
00:16:38Elizabeth I from Being the Queen.
00:16:41Eh-oh!
00:16:43Surprise, surprise.
00:16:45It's Ella Black.
00:16:47Eh-oh, Chuck!
00:16:49Thank you so much for hosting this dinner party, Sir David.
00:16:53You're very welcome, Princess Di.
00:16:55Now, as this cloning technology only works for one hour, I'll cut to the chase.
00:17:09What do you think makes Britain great?
00:17:13Before we commence, there is a mystery I should like to solve.
00:17:18Are we doing starters?
00:17:21I'm getting a starter and bleeding starving.
00:17:24Yes, order whatever you like.
00:17:27Tonight is about thrilling conversation and the greatness of Great Britain.
00:17:32Yes, Mr. Churchill.
00:17:34Shall we get three starters for the table and do picky bits?
00:17:39Eh-oh!
00:17:42Freddie says he wants the croquettes.
00:17:43Oh!
00:17:46I'd have the croquettes, but I only want a little nibble.
00:17:54Well, hang on, hang on.
00:17:57By my calculations, there are three croquettes in one order and ten of us.
00:18:02Therefore, if we order three portions, one person will miss out.
00:18:05The solution is simple, we order four.
00:18:08That means that three people will get two croquettes.
00:18:12But who?
00:18:13Another mystery.
00:18:14Look, look, look, look.
00:18:17Don't worry about the food.
00:18:18The BBC have spared no expense bringing you back to life.
00:18:23I'm sure they're happy to cover one dinner at the Ivy.
00:18:27Now, as to the source of Britain's greatness.
00:18:32Not to be that person, but I don't like croquettes, I'd rather get the soup.
00:18:35How about? That's a lot of starter just for use.
00:18:39Have a need at it.
00:18:41Freddie's right. We should all have to pay for your starter.
00:18:44No one's paying. No one's paying. It's...
00:18:48It's cupboard, guys.
00:18:50Tonight, it's about scintillating conversation.
00:18:55And learning from each other.
00:18:57Yes, Benjamin Zephaniah.
00:18:58Do you think each curry comes with a free rice?
00:19:01If it has an asterisk next to its name, then it comes with a free rice.
00:19:07People on the street.
00:19:09You're right, Freddie. There are some people on the street.
00:19:13But that doesn't answer the question about poppadoms.
00:19:16Stop it!
00:19:18Stop it now!
00:19:20It doesn't matter what we have to eat!
00:19:24I'll put that down.
00:19:26Put it...
00:19:28This experiment has been a complete waste of time and money.
00:19:33The answer I was looking for, as to what makes Britain truly great,
00:19:37was the NHS and centre parks.
00:19:40There!
00:19:42You've ruined it!
00:19:44Dinner over!
00:19:47Now we shall move on to the love-making portion of the evening.
00:19:53Anybody who wants to leave, now's your chance.
00:20:00Head over to iPlayer now to see the full, uncut edition of David Attenborough's Last Supper.
00:20:07Cheers.
00:20:13Cheers.
00:20:18Cheers.
00:20:25Cheers.
00:20:27Cheers.
00:20:29Cheers.
00:20:29Cheers.
00:20:31Cheers.
00:20:44I'm Ed Boobies. Welcome to Boobies Goes to the Films, the show about all things cinema.
00:20:51And this is a very special day. I'm pinching myself, to be honest.
00:20:54We've got Ricky Hall and Lena Phillips in the house.
00:20:58In the house.
00:21:00What's happening?
00:21:01Good to be here.
00:21:02They're here to talk to us through their new film, Hot Streak.
00:21:05And they are two icons of cinema. I hope you don't mind me saying.
00:21:09No, I don't mind at all.
00:21:10Keep saying it.
00:21:14Lena, I've been a fan since your first film, Sunrise Eyes.
00:21:18Wow, that's a deep cut.
00:21:20Oh, yeah.
00:21:24And Ricky, Crazy Goat, underrated movie.
00:21:29Thanks so much, man.
00:21:30No, no, thank you.
00:21:31And I guess I'm trying to say, I love you and your work so much.
00:21:34I hope that's not too creepy.
00:21:36No, thank you.
00:21:37Thanks so much, man.
00:21:38Wow.
00:21:38Okay, so let's talk about Hot Streak.
00:21:40I watched this last night.
00:21:41I watched this last night.
00:21:41It fucking sucked.
00:21:49Excuse me?
00:21:51It sucked.
00:21:53So bad.
00:21:54Like, all the way through.
00:21:55What happened?
00:22:02Lena, you first.
00:22:06Yeah, well, we loved working on this movie.
00:22:09Yeah, it was a dream to work with Vicky, our director.
00:22:13But why did it suck so bad, like, all the way through?
00:22:16Well, I don't think it sucked.
00:22:18It did.
00:22:20Did it?
00:22:21Yeah, all the way through.
00:22:23Where's our PR?
00:22:24No, no, he's gone to get me some fruit.
00:22:26Look.
00:22:28I could be wrong.
00:22:29I don't think I am.
00:22:31But I could be.
00:22:32Let's check out a clip.
00:22:35You have to listen to me here, then you are only.
00:22:37Oh.
00:22:39Oh, boo.
00:22:42They're sucking so bad, Vicky.
00:22:44You're not even acting there.
00:22:46I mean, you are acting, but it's so wrong and sour.
00:22:50You know?
00:22:51No, no, stop the tape.
00:22:53Stop the tape.
00:22:54It's just, that sucks.
00:22:58I just.
00:23:02I just know, if you tried, if everyone tried and, like, gave me everything, we could've
00:23:08got there.
00:23:10It didn't have to be good.
00:23:12You know, I don't need good.
00:23:14I just need it not to fucking suck.
00:23:17Like, all the way through.
00:23:19Can everything stop sucking all the time?
00:23:21Because it's making my life bad.
00:23:24Is that too much to ask?
00:23:26Please.
00:23:28Sorry.
00:23:29We're, we're, we're sorry.
00:23:31That's okay.
00:23:33Join us next time on Boobies Goes With The Films.
00:23:36I've been at Boobies wishing you a decent day.
00:23:39Oh, get in, legend.
00:23:40Thanks.
00:23:46Get to work.
00:23:47What a time to be alive, people.
00:23:49My name is Turpin Turpin.
00:23:50Yep.
00:23:51Both my names are Turpin.
00:23:53Great job.
00:23:53All right.
00:23:54Janet, how we doing?
00:23:55Good.
00:23:55Yeah.
00:23:55What do we do here?
00:23:57We're all working together to make the internet as bad as we can possibly get it.
00:24:00It's, it's a team effort.
00:24:02I'm Jan.
00:24:02I'm almost 19 and I'm the password manager.
00:24:05Essentially, my job is just before you enter in a short, memorable password of your own,
00:24:10and I come up with a very long and complicated one, I can't remember it and, and I don't.
00:24:15I'm the X-Man, I do all the X-Men, I do all the X's for online adverts, we try
00:24:19and make them smaller than any human finger.
00:24:20Even if you do all the X's for online adverts, what does it even mean?
00:24:24Sometimes it can mean, close this window.
00:24:26Sometimes it can mean, open four more windows.
00:24:29It can matter.
00:24:30I think most people think it's the first one.
00:24:36I think most people think it's the first one.
00:24:48Most people vote for Hitler.
00:24:49Just for being born between 1995 and 1997, and no one intentionally clicks on family guide porn, except me.
00:24:57But that's only because of how much I like to look at it.
00:25:00This is good, people, this is good.
00:25:03Woo!
00:25:04My speciality.
00:25:05I'm the guy who moves things at the last second so that people click on the wrong stuff online.
00:25:16Okay, she's about to click, stand by.
00:25:18Standing by.
00:25:24She's hovering.
00:25:27She's hovering.
00:25:30And...
00:25:31Budget.
00:25:36Annoying.
00:25:37Yes!
00:25:40Yes!
00:25:41Yes!
00:25:42Yes!
00:25:43That's five seconds, she won't get back.
00:25:47So, we got her.
00:25:53Do you get paid?
00:25:54No.
00:25:55No, no, no, no, no.
00:26:12Gosh, ten hours of labour.
00:26:14Doesn't look like this little man's in a rush.
00:26:16Why is it taking so long?
00:26:18Don't worry.
00:26:19He's just a bit...
00:26:19He's just a bit shy.
00:26:23Oh, look at this.
00:26:24Oh, bless him.
00:26:26Well, he's not wrong with being shy, is he?
00:26:28Oh, no.
00:26:30Oh, no.
00:26:30Oh, no, wrong at all.
00:26:31I think I'd prefer a shy one, to be honest.
00:26:34Out of my way. I'm Dr. Amanda Miller.
00:26:36I graduated Harvard, summa cum laude.
00:26:38My kids are very mean to me,
00:26:39but I don't have time to get into that right now.
00:26:42Where's the obstetrician here?
00:26:44He's just a bit shy, isn't he?
00:26:46I wish that was the case.
00:26:47I'm so sorry, Mrs. Cook,
00:26:48but your baby is not shy.
00:26:50He's something much more sinister.
00:26:53He's pretending to be shy for attention.
00:26:59And we need to act fast before it metastasizes.
00:27:03But this all seems a bit dramatic.
00:27:05Unless you want your son to be an adult man
00:27:08who is addicted to cancelling plans,
00:27:10let me do my goddamn job.
00:27:14Well, wait, hang on.
00:27:16What if he's shy around strangers,
00:27:18but he lets his guard down around people he trusts?
00:27:21Like an introverted extrovert.
00:27:23Yeah, those are essentially a myth.
00:27:25Most people who make a big deal out of being shy
00:27:28are, medically speaking, fake-ass divas.
00:27:31That son of mine's going to be a fake-ass diva.
00:27:35I mean, look, I'm no doctor.
00:27:38I'm just a stupid rocket scientist,
00:27:40but I think he's genuinely shy.
00:27:44OK, but, like, now he's dancing.
00:27:55I'm just like, why would a genuinely shy person do that?
00:27:59Wait, he's quite good.
00:28:02Oh, my God.
00:28:03He is quite good.
00:28:06He's not amazing, but he's quite good.
00:28:08He's got spirit.
00:28:10You can tell he's actually enjoying himself.
00:28:12Hey!
00:28:14Ho!
00:28:15Hey!
00:28:17Ho!
00:28:17Mr. and Mrs. Cook, this is serious.
00:28:20OK, an authentically shy person
00:28:22would not pop their puss in this manner.
00:28:26Oh, Harry.
00:28:28Maybe she's right.
00:28:29What if our son is giving cringe,
00:28:32only claiming to be socially awkward
00:28:34when it suits him?
00:28:35Slash them.
00:28:37He's sitting in the corner at parties
00:28:39because he gets overwhelmed,
00:28:41but then he's the loudest and most abrasive person there
00:28:45by quite some distance.
00:28:47The type of bitch to give a presentation at work
00:28:49and make the whole thing about how nervous he is,
00:28:51even though it's like,
00:28:52girl, you volunteered to do this.
00:28:55Oh, no.
00:28:57Then now he's holding his hands out
00:28:58to show that they're shaking,
00:28:59but it's obvious it's him who's making it happen.
00:29:02Oh!
00:29:04Doctor, do something!
00:29:06Grab a leg!
00:29:08Honey, are you the diamond in my wedding ring?
00:29:11Because you are fake as hell
00:29:12and we can see right through you, OK?
00:29:16OK, well, he's dancing again.
00:29:18Oh, gosh.
00:29:19Doctor, please!
00:29:20We just want him out of there, safe and sound!
00:29:24Fine.
00:29:25I promised myself I would never do this.
00:29:29Hey, sweetie, how are you feeling?
00:29:32So, um, a bunch of us are thinking of doing karaoke.
00:29:37Stop!
00:29:37Don't leave without me!
00:29:40But I'm literally just going to watch.
00:29:42Woo!
00:29:44He's coming!
00:29:45He's coming!
00:29:46Oh!
00:29:46Oh!
00:29:48Congratulations!
00:29:49He's a nightmare!
00:29:58Thank you very much!
00:30:05Ladies and gentlemen, Wet Leg!
00:33:55It's Weekend Update with Anya Magliano and Paddy Young.
00:34:10Hey, I'm Paddy Young.
00:34:11And I'm Anu Magliano.
00:34:17Coming up on tonight's Weekend Update, paedophilia, but first, war.
00:34:25Yesterday, in a shock U-Turne, Kir Starmer finally gave his consent for President Trump to use British bases to
00:34:31protect the Strait of Hormuz, at which point Trump said, consent?
00:34:35Now you've got to be right back.
00:34:36Now you've got to be right back.
00:34:40As Iranian strikes continue to hit Dubai, the cost of chartering a private jet has risen so high that many
00:34:47influencers have been struggling to flee.
00:34:49I must stress, though, if you're right back.
00:34:57I must stress, though, if any influencers are killed, if any influencers are killed, and again, we can only hope
00:35:00they are, at least they'll be easy to identify by their dental records.
00:35:05They're the massive white ones, made in Turkey.
00:35:09You've got to feel for them.
00:35:10They went there to evade income tax, and now they have to evade income in a tax.
00:35:15We're now three weeks into the Iran war, which started with the death of one Ayatollah Khomeini and the appointment
00:35:21of another Ayatollah Khomeini.
00:35:23Khomeini, two, but one's dead now.
00:35:33Not everyone in NATO wants to get involved.
00:35:36German Defence Minister Boris Pistorius said there would be no military participation from Germany.
00:35:41Where was this energy in 1939?
00:35:47Also, is there a more evil name than Boris Pistorius?
00:35:53How do you do the name Saddam Walliams?
00:36:00The head of the Asian Football Confederation said this week that Iran is still set to play at the upcoming
00:36:06World Cup in America.
00:36:08If Iran does take part, America has guaranteed that all of their matches will be refereed by a completely impartial
00:36:15MQ-9 Reaper drone.
00:36:18We all know the supply of oil has been affected by this war, but the Strait of Hormuz is also
00:36:24the primary route
00:36:24for a third of the world's helium.
00:36:26A spokesperson for the helium industry said...
00:36:37We've run out of helium.
00:36:46With pressure mounting to secure the Strait of Hormuz and the Royal Navy almost completely out of action,
00:36:53the government have decided to send in the only British naval captain who's ready to go.
00:36:58So, please welcome Captain Birdseye.
00:37:07Now, Captain, I think the question a lot of people at home are asking is why is the government sending
00:37:17a fish finger man to a red hot war zone?
00:37:19Fish finger man! I am the purveyor of the finest fish fingers in the land.
00:37:25Succulent cod fillets and a perfectly crispy golden crumb.
00:37:28Only the best for the captain's table. Fish finger?
00:37:31Captain Birdseye, can I remind you, this is a military operation.
00:37:35Exactly. Preparation, timing, control. Six minutes one side, turn.
00:37:41Six minutes the other. Now, that's what I call a proper fish finger.
00:37:45Fish finger?
00:37:47You're about to be deployed to a ramp. Can you stop banging on about fish fingers?
00:37:51Fine. We also do chicken dippers, potato waffles, and for some reason, the devil only knows, peas.
00:37:59Captain, there are real lives at stake here.
00:38:02Oh, you want to get real, do you, you scurvy little deck rat?
00:38:07All right, answer me this.
00:38:09You think I've spent the last five decades sailing around in a 150-foot schooner with 300 singing children
00:38:16just to sell fish fingers, do ye?
00:38:18I'm sorry, did you say 300 singing children?
00:38:20Because I'll tell you what's real, you bilge-drinkin' haddock.
00:38:25What's real is the nation's favourite fish fingers are just a cover for my actual work.
00:38:30Special Forces black ops savagery that would haunt your dreams.
00:38:34What's real is opening up a Serbian mercenary's neck with a machete.
00:38:39Watching it yawn open, hot and steaming, like a split-fish finger.
00:38:44This is insane!
00:38:46Insane? I'll show you insane!
00:38:50Are those human fingers?
00:38:52Only the best for the captain's table.
00:38:56Captain Burnsey, everyone!
00:38:58Another new hero!
00:39:04Renovations to Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor's new home, Marsh Farm, have been taking place over the last month,
00:39:11including the installation of Sky TV.
00:39:14So, if you're watching, Andrew, hello!
00:39:17You're not gonna like this next bit.
00:39:20Also, I'm older than I look.
00:39:28Andrew's new residence, Marsh Farm, is of course named after the nearby marsh where his body will be found.
00:39:38It was reported this week that the police investigation into Andrew is set to widen.
00:39:43The big question now is, if Andrew is charged, found guilty and put in prison, will he be able to
00:39:48keep his mouth shut?
00:39:49I hope not, said his cellmate's penis.
00:39:59Conservative leader, Kemi Badenoch, told Times Radio that she would confront a shoplifter if they were, quote,
00:40:06not too big.
00:40:08So, rest assured, if you shoplift and Kemi does try to stop you, it means she thinks you're skinny!
00:40:16In showbiz news,
00:40:17feuding father and son David and Brooklyn Beckham narrowly miss each other whilst at the same Beverly Hills Hotel.
00:40:23The feud began when Victoria was, quote,
00:40:25quote, inappropriately close with her son at his wedding and escalated after Brooklyn accidentally yelled out his wife's name during
00:40:31sex with his mum.
00:40:43The award-winning TV series, It's a Sin, is set to be adapted for the stage as a dance show,
00:40:49as if a TV show about the AIDS crisis could get any gayer.
00:40:57Tonight, the K-pop band BTS are launching their New World Tour.
00:41:01My worry is, with 82 dates across 23 countries, the stress of the tour is going to put a strain
00:41:07on Jimin and V's soulmate relationship.
00:41:10Sure, J-Hope nurtures Suga's inner child, but will Jimin's teasing of Suga make V jealous?
00:41:15And can RM give enough skin chip to baby Jungkook while melting at J-Hope's laugh?
00:41:19Will his dimples still be popping at Jimin's cuteness after an 82 date tour?
00:41:24No idea.
00:41:26I'm not really that into BTS.
00:41:29For Weekend Update, I'm Anya Magliano.
00:41:31And I'm Paddy Young.
00:41:32Good night!
00:42:11Please be safe in London, Will.
00:42:14Nay, worry not, wife.
00:42:16I will be nothing but safe,
00:42:18for all I will think of is returning to thee
00:42:21and our boy, Hamnet.
00:42:25What about our daughters?
00:42:27I must away.
00:42:30My production of the Tempest begins anon.
00:42:35Adieu.
00:42:49The Tempest was a hit.
00:42:53Methinks I might write another of these plays.
00:42:58Will, thou art returned.
00:43:00Did I not tell thee I would?
00:43:02But hast thou nothing to say?
00:43:06I have sorely missed thee.
00:43:09Likewise, my dear wife, likewise.
00:43:11But dost thou not think I appear chinged?
00:43:17Tis hard to fix mine eyes on anything
00:43:20for the blood that doth course in mine veins
00:43:22on the sweet return of thee to me.
00:43:25Really look at me, though.
00:43:29What vexes thee?
00:43:31I've got a cunty little earring.
00:43:38That's all it is.
00:43:39The hour is upon me.
00:43:40I must to London.
00:43:42My staging of Macbeth awaiteth.
00:43:47Farewell, Will.
00:43:48I will wait upon thy return.
00:44:06William, thou art returned.
00:44:11Good day, wife.
00:44:13Good day, Hamnet.
00:44:15Good day, Hamnet.
00:44:20Will, how London hath changed thee.
00:44:25Come, wife.
00:44:26Let me sit and put me fate up.
00:44:31What art thou wearing?
00:44:33Oh, dislike it.
00:44:36Tis me slutty little chain.
00:44:42Tis all rage in London.
00:44:45I must to London.
00:44:49My next staging awaits.
00:44:52Henry IV, part two.
00:44:54Henry V.
00:44:58Let not London change thee too much.
00:45:16You don't call them and have returned it.
00:45:22Oh!
00:45:31Will, mine eyes do not recognise thee.
00:45:35Girl.
00:45:36Tis me bitch.
00:45:39Will, thou art a different man.
00:45:42Peace, wife.
00:45:43I be you, Shakespeare.
00:45:44The remix be Troy Savan.
00:45:46Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:45:49Tis not thee, Will.
00:45:51Tis so, bitch.
00:45:53Thou art in Stratford-upon-Avon, and I've been in London upon Ketamin.
00:45:59I'm like Charlie XCX.
00:46:01Sorry.
00:46:02Charlie 10, 110.
00:46:08I'm in my glow era.
00:46:09I'm in my glow up era, honey.
00:46:13What's that era?
00:46:14We are in one, bitch.
00:46:16Mine.
00:46:19My wife, I bring gifts.
00:46:21This is called a tote bag.
00:46:25I want that not.
00:46:31Wig, my girl.
00:46:33Thou'st look cunty for sure.
00:46:37What does the C word mean?
00:46:40Hmm.
00:46:41Methinks I can't explain.
00:46:42It's not a bad word.
00:46:44It's a good thing.
00:46:45A great thing.
00:46:46It's bleached brows.
00:46:49It's the cast of Desperate Housewives.
00:46:52It's cabin crew, bald head on a woman.
00:46:55The Elizabeth line, a thin woman eating a big plate of meat.
00:46:58It is as the riddles play upon thy tongue.
00:47:01Thou art just gagged.
00:47:07Hamlet's ate the powder within your coin purse.
00:47:18He'll be fine.
00:47:19Tis but a K hole.
00:47:22And you know what hitteth hard in the hole?
00:47:25Rihanna, bitch.
00:47:31We've gone through it, by the way.
00:47:49You've seen the film.
00:47:51You've heard the musical.
00:47:54Now experience the experience.
00:47:58The live Paddington bear experience.
00:48:02This is so exciting.
00:48:03We can't believe we're actually going to meet Paddington, aren't we?
00:48:06We brought marmalade sandwiches.
00:48:09It's Clara's hand too.
00:48:11We got bands from Magic Mike.
00:48:13Liz kept groping Magic Mike.
00:48:16Watch out, Paddington.
00:48:17I can't wait to meet that little bear.
00:48:22Welcome to 32 Windsor Gardens.
00:48:27At London's most immersive experience, get closer to Paddington than ever before.
00:48:34Now, who here would like to meet a very rare sort of bear?
00:48:40Yay!
00:48:42Janet!
00:48:43Open the cage!
00:48:44A place where memories last forever.
00:48:53Paddington?
00:48:57Oh, no!
00:48:59Oh, my!
00:49:00Oh, my!
00:49:01Oh, my!
00:49:02Oh, my!
00:49:02Oh, my!
00:49:03Oh, my!
00:49:04Oh, my!
00:49:06Oh, my!
00:49:06Oh, my!
00:49:07Oh, my!
00:49:07Take the cyrus!
00:49:09Take the cyrus!
00:49:10Why did we hire a real bear?
00:49:12Well, I know we wanted to hire the little actress from the musical, but she wanted too much money.
00:49:17And I had seen the bear in something.
00:49:20He was amazing.
00:49:21What was it?
00:49:22Oh, my!
00:49:24Oh, my!
00:49:25Oh, my!
00:49:26Oh, my!
00:49:27Oh, my!
00:49:28Oh, my!
00:49:28Oh, my!
00:49:30The zoo.
00:49:30I had seen him at the zoo.
00:49:32Mm-hmm.
00:49:33Mm-hmm.
00:49:34That was amazing.
00:49:36Yeah.
00:49:36Well, I've lost half my face.
00:49:38I had to get some memories.
00:49:40None of that happened in the films.
00:49:44That was a lot more blood than I thought there'd be.
00:49:46And at Paddington's photo booth, we'll be sure to capture all of the magic.
00:49:51Well, I was actually on a terrible date.
00:49:54But let's just say I didn't need to ask for Angela.
00:49:56I asked for Paddington.
00:50:00The Guardian calls it truly unforgettable.
00:50:04They said he likes marmalade.
00:50:05He doesn't like marmalade.
00:50:07He likes human hands.
00:50:11I've always thought that three kids was a bit too many.
00:50:15And now I've got the optimum amount.
00:50:18None.
00:50:20The sage says inarguably immersive.
00:50:23Do I have any regrets?
00:50:26In retrospect, maybe hot glue gunning the hat to the bear's head may have made it more angry.
00:50:34I'm taking it to Broadway regardless.
00:50:36The live Paddington Bear experience.
00:50:39Book before June 25th and get a free tetanus jab.
00:50:44Found a foot.
00:50:46Has anyone lost a foot?
00:50:47No.
00:50:54Once again, wet leg!
00:51:12Can you catch a medicine ball?
00:51:16Can you catch yourself when you fall?
00:51:19You should be careful.
00:51:21Do you catch my drift?
00:51:22Cause what I really want to know is can you catch these fists?
00:51:27Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man down.
00:51:34Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:51:39Level up!
00:51:41I know I'll do well just with your life.
00:51:47I don't want your love, I just want to fight.
00:51:52I don't want your love, I don't want your love, I don't want your love.
00:51:58I don't want your love, I don't want your love.
00:51:59We're on our way to the club.
00:52:02Stupid is, stupid does.
00:52:06Women's in, racking up.
00:52:09Get to me.
00:52:11Giddy up!
00:52:12Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man down
00:52:19Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
00:52:26I know I too will just love your life
00:52:33I don't want to love, I just want to fight
00:52:44We don't get pussy, get the boo
00:52:46I saw him sipping on dog food
00:52:48This always happens late at night
00:52:50Some guy comes up says I'm his type
00:52:51I just threw up in my mouth when he just tried to ask me out
00:52:55Don't approach me, I just want to dance with my face
00:52:59Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man down
00:53:06Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
00:53:11Level up
00:53:12I know I too will just love your life
00:53:19I don't want your love, I just want to fight
00:53:26I know I too will just love your life
00:53:33I don't want your love, I just want to fight
00:53:37I don't want your love, I just want to fight
00:53:57I don't want your love, I just want to fight
00:54:06I don't want your love, I just want to fight
00:54:36Oh, Jane, look at you
00:54:39Divorced, saggy, alone
00:54:41What a sad little life, Jane
00:54:46Fancy bra fitting?
00:54:50Sure, yeah, I've actually lost a ton of weight
00:54:53Oh, good for you
00:54:54Due to immense stress
00:54:56I have a bad life
00:54:58I'm sorry to hear that
00:54:59Well, I'm just going to do it around your top, okay
00:55:01So, here we go
00:55:03We've got the middle, that's 38 inches
00:55:05So, yeah, that's quite wide
00:55:08In cup size, that's a B, so it's small
00:55:13You're not happy with that?
00:55:15Oh, 38B, that's not exactly a sexy bra size
00:55:18It feels kind of schlubby
00:55:22Would you like me to zhuzh?
00:55:25Huh?
00:55:27Zhuzh it up a bit for the surrounds
00:55:30What does that mean?
00:55:32A zhuzh for the surrounds
00:55:34Right, okay
00:55:35So, I come back in and I zhuzh, right
00:55:39I very loudly make a point of how big your bra size is
00:55:43These out there don't know what you really measured as
00:55:47Wink, wink
00:55:48Is that a British thing?
00:55:50It is a thing
00:55:52Do you want to give it a go?
00:55:54It is a free service
00:55:55Sure
00:55:57Won't be long, ladies
00:55:58I'm just doing a fitting
00:55:59Oh, my goodness
00:56:02Wow
00:56:02These are going to measure up nicely
00:56:06So, we're going to start with the width
00:56:08Very petite
00:56:09But your cup size is
00:56:12Big?
00:56:13Big cup size, right?
00:56:16Oh, crikey
00:56:17Yeah, they've got a real weight to them
00:56:19Oh, fantastic
00:56:20In fact, I'm surprised
00:56:22You don't topple over
00:56:24You don't topple over
00:56:25With a great big rack like that
00:56:28Muppet
00:56:30Oh, four
00:56:31You nearly poked my eye out
00:56:34Hey, you've heard of Pinocchio
00:56:36Well, you'll like that
00:56:37But the nose is big, lovely bazoombas
00:56:40Is that okay?
00:56:42Yeah, that's good
00:56:44So, I'm happy to tell you
00:56:45What size would you like, darling?
00:56:47Big, but keep it classy
00:56:48Like, double D is good?
00:56:49Oh, no, we're going bigger than that
00:56:51You're a gorgeous
00:56:53Petite and perky
00:56:5428G
00:56:57What an absolute pair
00:57:01How's that feel?
00:57:03I feel amazing
00:57:05Thank you so much, Miss
00:57:07Juggs
00:57:09They call me Juggs
00:57:12Right
00:57:13There you go
00:57:17Put these back on the rack, Jackie
00:57:20They were all far too small
00:57:22For this customer's great big buzies
00:57:26Lovely tits you got there, Miss
00:57:30Juggs, wait
00:57:33Is there anything else
00:57:35That you could judge for me?
00:57:36Like, for the surrounds?
00:57:38My 2026 is kind of rough
00:57:40Like, basically
00:57:42I was responsible for editing
00:57:44This British Film Awards ceremony
00:57:46And
00:57:49Let's just say
00:57:50I did not get it right
00:57:53It's a zhuzh for the surrounds, darling
00:57:56Not for the soul
00:57:58But you'll be all right
00:58:00With those great big wicked knockers
00:58:04Uh, excuse me
00:58:08Reggae Jean-Page
00:58:09What are you doing
00:58:10In the women's changing rooms?
00:58:12Oh, it's a long end
00:58:14Sexy story
00:58:16Listen, I don't usually do this
00:58:18But
00:58:18Can I buy you a drink
00:58:19On the fifth floor
00:58:21Next to the baby clothes
00:58:22And electricals?
00:58:24Sure, I could do that
00:58:29Thanks for changing my life
00:58:35Tiny little kids
00:58:36They were small
00:58:37Those trips were small
00:58:4244 seconds with four hikers
00:58:52What kind of Irish
00:58:53What kind of Irish is your granddad?
00:58:55What kind of Irish is your gramps?
00:58:59Is it this?
00:58:59Come here to me
00:59:00Which one of you little garbs
00:59:01Shows through a heap of philbs
00:59:02On my window?
00:59:03You've got to tell me
00:59:04Cos I know you're a dart
00:59:05And I know you're a dart
00:59:07And I know you're a dart
00:59:08What kind of Irish is your granddad?
00:59:11Is it this?
00:59:12So that's a picture of me
00:59:13Back in 82
00:59:14On the 12th
00:59:15With the King William Lodge
00:59:16And I know they can all
00:59:16They want a panachear
00:59:17Isn't it desperate?
00:59:18What kind of Irish is your granddad?
00:59:21Is it this?
00:59:22I'll bring him round the back
00:59:23I'll put four new shoes
00:59:24And I don't worry about it
00:59:25If I'm a grand man for the shoes
00:59:27I'll hit the shot of any man's back
00:59:28Bastard
00:59:29Whack!
00:59:29If I'm a Irish is your granddad
00:59:31Is it this?
00:59:33To gran you will
00:59:34Each actor's soul
00:59:35Ugly armily
00:59:37Margarida
00:59:39Gweal a fiend
00:59:40Is the golden spodic
00:59:42Is the golden rager gold
00:59:45Oh
00:59:46Roshida
00:59:47Oh
00:59:49Roshida
00:59:49Oh
00:59:51Roshida
00:59:52Roshida
00:59:52Roshida
00:59:52Roshida
00:59:54Roshida
00:59:56Roshida
00:59:57Roshida
00:59:57Roshida
00:59:59Roshida
01:00:00Wow
01:00:02Wow
01:00:02Nicola Coughlin from the Dairy Girls
01:00:06Err
01:00:06No, it's um, it's Dairy Girls
01:00:08It doesn't matter, Nicola Coughlin
01:00:10None of this is real
01:00:13Goodnight, God bless, love you
01:00:16Ha ha ha
01:00:17Ha ha ha
01:00:21It happens with four eyes
01:00:22My biggest thanks to Wetleg
01:00:29Nicola Coughlin
01:00:31Michael Cera
01:00:32Graham Norton
01:00:33Reggie
01:00:34Jean-Page
01:00:34And a huge thank you
01:00:36To the cast
01:00:37And writers
01:00:38And everyone
01:00:39For welcoming me here
01:00:40And making such a great week
01:00:42Congratulations
01:00:43SNL UK
01:00:45It's full
01:00:46It's full
01:00:47Gut guys
01:00:48Bye
01:00:48No
01:00:49No
01:00:51No
01:00:52No
01:00:54No
01:00:55No
01:00:56No
01:01:03No
01:01:05No
01:01:05No
01:01:07No
01:01:07No
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