- 5 hours ago
I’ll Be Home for Christmas (1988) [Full Movie] [Full Storyline]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:07From Coney Island to the Sunset Strip, somebody's gonna make a happy trip tonight, while the
00:00:16moon is bright.
00:00:20He's gonna have a bag of crazy toys, to give the goniest of the girls and boys so did.
00:00:28Santa comes on big.
00:00:32He'll come a-callin' when the snow's the most, when all you cats are sleepin' warm as toast.
00:00:38Dad, you're gonna flip when old Santa Nick plays a lick on a peppermint stick.
00:00:45He'll come a-flyin' from a higher place, and fill the stockings by the fireplace.
00:00:50So you'll have your lips cool.
00:01:04Shooshara
00:01:05Shoo!
00:01:17Shoo!
00:01:18Shoo!
00:01:19Shoo!
00:01:21Shoo!
00:01:21Oh, my God.
00:02:12Oh, my God.
00:02:30Oh, my God.
00:02:41Hey, Don.
00:02:42Hey, Jake.
00:02:43Hi.
00:02:44Hi, guys.
00:02:4512.32.14.
00:02:4712.32.14.
00:02:50I'd like to hike.
00:02:51Jake, thank God.
00:02:52Let me out.
00:02:53Did you get my mail?
00:02:55Math test?
00:02:59Hey, minus.
00:03:01All right, you made it look just good enough.
00:03:03You score me those backstage passes to Dave Matthews at the Coliseum?
00:03:07Oh, that's my man.
00:03:09All right.
00:03:10It's, uh, 12.32.
00:03:13Uh, what was that last number again, Ian?
00:03:15168?
00:03:1614, Jake.
00:03:1714.
00:03:17All right, all right.
00:03:18Calm down.
00:03:19I got you.
00:03:22Thanks, Jake.
00:03:22You're welcome.
00:03:23Now, Ian, what is the deal with you being sardined into your locker again?
00:03:27It was Eddie Taffet and his troglodyte trio.
00:03:30They're bugged about the phony IDs we sold them.
00:03:32All right, I'll take care of them later.
00:03:33Right now, I need you to get on the net, change that ticket my dad got me to New York
00:03:37and the
00:03:37two seats to Cabo San Lucas.
00:03:39Okay.
00:03:39Will you be taking Ollie?
00:03:41Working on that now.
00:03:45Morning, ladies.
00:03:46Hi, Jake.
00:03:48Do those things really work?
00:03:49Yeah, I want to see.
00:03:50No, no, no.
00:03:50It's okay.
00:03:57Hi.
00:04:02Ah, zone defense, huh?
00:04:05Guess I'm not going to be able to get in, unless...
00:04:08What's this?
00:04:10Cherry crunch?
00:04:11Would I bring you anything else?
00:04:19Sierra, I'm sure that tastes good here, but I bet it would taste even better someplace else.
00:04:24Shoo-shoo.
00:04:45Hey.
00:04:47Oh, hi.
00:04:48What are you doing here?
00:04:50Oh, you always said you wanted to see what it would be like to wake up next to me.
00:04:53Oh, good line.
00:04:55Pre-meditated or spontaneous?
00:04:58Oh, totally off the cuff.
00:04:59I was inspired by the lovely side of you drooling on your French book.
00:05:03I wasn't drooling.
00:05:04I was sleeping.
00:05:07Sleeping.
00:05:08I can't sleep.
00:05:09I've got to study.
00:05:10You were studying subliminally in your sleep.
00:05:12You were absorbing it off the page through osmosis.
00:05:15Not funny.
00:05:15Give me that.
00:05:16Look, Jake, my final is in three hours, and you're here just distracting me, so would you
00:05:21please get out of here?
00:05:22Okay, okay.
00:05:23Suit yourself.
00:05:23I just wanted to let you know there's a freak storm outside.
00:05:26Looks like it's snowing.
00:05:28Snow.
00:05:29We're in the middle of Southern California.
00:05:31It's not snow.
00:05:33My God.
00:05:36It's snowing.
00:05:39Jake, you lunatic, where did you get a snow machine?
00:05:45Oh, hey, Ian.
00:05:47Hi, Ollie.
00:05:51It's a white Christmas, just like home.
00:05:54And here's a little Christmas cheer.
00:05:57Eggnog.
00:05:57My mother makes this from scratch.
00:05:59And one more thing.
00:06:02More?
00:06:02Do I detect an overage of niceness going on here?
00:06:05Just read it.
00:06:07Two tickets to Cabo San Lucas, Christmas on the beach.
00:06:12Amazing.
00:06:13Well, I knew you'd be pissed.
00:06:18This is the most inconsiderate thing I've ever heard.
00:06:20I have plans that are important to me, Jake.
00:06:22Allie, it's not like I'm asking you to sleep in a porta potty.
00:06:25This is a three-bedroom condo overlooking the ocean.
00:06:27Forget it, Jake.
00:06:28You know I'm driving home with Sierra to visit my family.
00:06:30So tell him what I told my dad last year.
00:06:32You're going to be stuck in the gym eight hours a day for the next two weeks in preparation
00:06:35for your appearance in the Ultimate Fighting Championship.
00:06:38That's what you told him?
00:06:39Well, sure.
00:06:40And then when he found out I really wanted to stay here and surf, he was so relieved he
00:06:43didn't argue.
00:06:44But I want to go home.
00:06:46I want a traditional Christmas with snow and stockings and eggnog and carolers.
00:06:51I just thought we could have some fun this Christmas.
00:06:54No, you just thought that you could have some fun.
00:06:56But what about everybody else?
00:06:58My mom and dad would be crushed if I didn't come home.
00:07:01And what about your dad?
00:07:02And your sister and Carolyn?
00:07:04You know, bringing up my dad's new wife just drains me of all my Christmas spirit.
00:07:09Look, all I'm saying is don't you think it's about time you went home?
00:07:14Hey there.
00:07:15Looking good today.
00:07:17Thanks, Eddie.
00:07:18You're looking nice today, too.
00:07:20I'm not talking to you, Wilkinson.
00:07:23Hey, Allie, what kind of perfume are you wearing today?
00:07:25Excuse me?
00:07:26Yes, I got three words for you.
00:07:28New, car, smell, and it would smell so good on you.
00:07:31Why don't you come in here and check it out, baby?
00:07:34Eddie, I got one word for you.
00:07:36Beamer.
00:07:39Stand away from the vehicle.
00:07:41You've got to be kidding me.
00:07:42You're too close to the vehicle.
00:07:44Stand away from the vehicle.
00:07:47You are too close to the vehicle.
00:07:49Stand away from the vehicle.
00:07:52So it's Disco Inferno night at the Viper Room, right?
00:07:55And it's me and the Murph Man and the Ed Man and the Ken Man, right?
00:07:59And we've been waiting in line for like half the night, right?
00:08:02And the bouncer, he finally gives us the nod.
00:08:04So we go over there and debut our brand new IDs.
00:08:08And the dude goes,
00:08:09Bye-bye.
00:08:11And no one, no one says bye-bye to the Brant Man.
00:08:16Fellas, fellas, fellas, what can I say?
00:08:18My subcontractor's been slacking off, but I want to make this up to you.
00:08:22I have a foolproof method that'll guarantee you ace your history finally.
00:08:26But if you'd rather see your grades crash and burn, it's up to you.
00:08:34No cost, right?
00:08:36Of course there's no cost for the answers.
00:08:38I couldn't do that to you guys.
00:08:39You guys are my buds.
00:08:41However, there is a nominal fee for the Viper rental.
00:08:51Wilkinson residence.
00:08:53Oh, I'm sorry.
00:08:54He can't come to the phone right now.
00:08:56He's busy accessorizing.
00:08:58Oh, okay.
00:09:00Jake, it's your dad.
00:09:03See ya.
00:09:11Dad, hey.
00:09:12How are things at the office?
00:09:14Brian, we're all off for the holidays.
00:09:16I sent everybody home at noon today.
00:09:18Great.
00:09:19Getting ready for ski season?
00:09:20Yeah, I just got my bindings fixed.
00:09:22Look, Jake, I'm calling to find out about you.
00:09:24Are you, uh, still planning on coming home for Christmas?
00:09:28Gosh, you know, I'd like to, but I gotta stick around campus
00:09:31and finish up that extra credit lab work.
00:09:33Because I got a call from my travel agent.
00:09:35He says that the ticket I sent you was cashed in for two tickets to Cabo San Lucas.
00:09:40He says somebody sabotaged his computer file.
00:09:43What kind of a world are we living in?
00:09:46Is the convenience of technology worth the loss of our privacy?
00:09:49Who would do such a thing?
00:09:50Where will it end, Dad?
00:09:51Look, I agreed to let you go off to school in California,
00:09:54but you haven't been home for the holidays since Mom died.
00:09:58I think it's time that we become a family again.
00:10:02Dad, Dad, Dad.
00:10:03If you were 18 years old, where would you rather be for Christmas?
00:10:06At home with your family or in Cabo on the beach with a beautiful girl?
00:10:11Allie's parents say she's coming home just like always.
00:10:15I just really want you home, son.
00:10:18Me too.
00:10:19Ask this Carolyn.
00:10:20Yeah.
00:10:21And Tracy.
00:10:22We all want you home.
00:10:24Well, I just don't think I can get there.
00:10:28Not even if I, uh, give you the Porsche?
00:10:34Excuse me?
00:10:36The Porsche?
00:10:38The 1957 Porsche?
00:10:40The same 1957 Porsche that we rebuilt by hand together
00:10:43with the KidGlove interiors and the original paint?
00:10:45The 1957 Porsche?
00:10:48I'll tell you what.
00:10:49If you're home by the time we sit down to dinner,
00:10:51six o'clock, Christmas Eve,
00:10:53the car's yours.
00:10:55Six o'clock, not one minute past.
00:10:56You understand?
00:10:57Yes, sir.
00:10:58We'll see you then.
00:11:00Great.
00:11:00Bye.
00:11:03You are mine.
00:11:06All mine.
00:11:09Okay.
00:11:10Uh, he cashes in the tickets
00:11:12and you offer him a bribe.
00:11:15Do you see anything wrong with this picture?
00:11:17Yeah.
00:11:18Yeah, I do.
00:11:19But...
00:11:20But what?
00:11:22Jake's coming home for Christmas.
00:11:29Okay, I gotta go back, you guys.
00:11:30I'll see you in an hour.
00:11:32Okay.
00:11:32All right.
00:11:37Nice try, but no chance.
00:11:39Hmm.
00:11:39Must be defective.
00:11:41You know, I estimated it'd be another five hours
00:11:44till you tried to make up.
00:11:45Hmm.
00:11:46That's funny,
00:11:46because I estimate that it takes five hours
00:11:49to fly to Larchmont, New York.
00:11:51I thought you cashed your ticket in for Cabo.
00:11:53I cashed it back in for two tickets to New York.
00:11:56Will you please accept my apology
00:11:58and come home with me for Christmas?
00:12:04You're unbelievable.
00:12:05Tell me about it.
00:12:06Ripley's doing a special on me.
00:12:08So, why the sudden change of heart?
00:12:10Well, I guess you kind of got to me
00:12:12with all that sentimental family stuff.
00:12:14Oh, well, I'm glad to see you're coming around.
00:12:16Hey, if you don't have family,
00:12:18what do you have, right?
00:12:20So you want to come over and help me pack?
00:12:25No, I can.
00:12:26I gotta go tutor some jocks.
00:12:28Oh, you're such a compassionate man.
00:12:30I am a giver.
00:12:32Pick you up tomorrow morning, 8 o'clock.
00:12:34Okay.
00:12:41This better work.
00:12:46Run!
00:12:56Look out!
00:12:57Look out!
00:12:57Hey!
00:13:04What's taking him so long?
00:13:11Sorry, Ms. Peterson.
00:13:12Coach likes to stay in touch.
00:13:13Shh.
00:13:18Shh.
00:13:21Oh, my God.
00:14:01And when you're driving a Porsche, it's like you have a relationship with it.
00:14:04Like, it knows you and it's listening and just responding.
00:14:07That is so true.
00:14:09And downshifting, you don't know what downshifting can do to downshift it in a Porsche.
00:14:13You are a lucky man, Wilkinson.
00:14:15That is so true.
00:14:18So, uh, Jake, are you feeling lucky?
00:14:20Immensely.
00:14:21Well, I think that's all about to change.
00:14:27Something wrong, fellas?
00:14:29You think you're some kind of wise guy, right?
00:14:31You think it's real funny to make us look like morons, right?
00:14:33What are you talking about?
00:14:35The beepers, dipstick.
00:14:37Ian, where's Ian?
00:14:39Twelve, thirty-two, fourteen.
00:14:42Oh, man.
00:14:45Look, I'm sure there's some explanation for this.
00:14:47Let me make a couple phone calls.
00:14:48No, I think we're done explaining.
00:14:52Boys?
00:14:53Come on, guys.
00:14:55Fellas, fellas.
00:15:02All right, see you guys later.
00:15:03Have a good break.
00:15:04See you.
00:15:05Yeah.
00:15:08All right, Jake, where are you?
00:15:21I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
00:15:26With every Christmas card I try
00:15:35May those days, may your days, may your days
00:15:38Be merry and bright
00:15:42Oh, God.
00:15:46Wish I were dead.
00:15:50I said I wished I were dead.
00:15:57What the?
00:16:05Let's see you sweet-talk your way out of this one.
00:16:07Eddie and the boys.
00:16:09It's the last time I do business with those guys.
00:16:13Go on, get out of here.
00:16:18Ow!
00:16:20You glued it on, didn't you, you jerks?
00:16:25That, too?
00:16:27This is not acceptable!
00:16:29Acceptable!
00:16:30Oh.
00:16:41Sit.
00:16:43Roll over.
00:16:45Die.
00:16:52Hey, it's Jake.
00:16:54You found me.
00:16:56Idiot!
00:16:57Who's an idiot?
00:16:59I am.
00:17:00Jake flaked, huh?
00:17:03What a surprise.
00:17:04Well, lucky for you, the Ed man's here to the rescue,
00:17:07so what do you say we blow this popsicle stand,
00:17:09because I got butt warmers in the seats?
00:17:11You're loving this, aren't you?
00:17:14Pretty much, yeah.
00:17:17Okay, let's go.
00:17:18All right!
00:17:19Oh, no, no, no, no, allow me.
00:17:21I got it, I got it.
00:17:22I got it.
00:17:23I got it.
00:17:24I got it.
00:17:24The ultimate in irony.
00:17:25Seventeen academy kids are driving back east this winter, and I get a ride with you.
00:17:30Just the two of us, riding the crest of destiny's rainbow, sharing, caring, pair for the ages.
00:17:39Okay, hold on.
00:17:40First, the ground rules.
00:17:42If you say too many stupid things like that, I'll have to slug you.
00:17:45If you say anything nasty about Jake, I'll have to slug you.
00:17:48If you try to feel me up, I'll have to slug you.
00:17:51If you make me listen to any sexist, racist, or homophobic jokes, I'm gonna have to slug you.
00:17:58And finally, I might just have to slug you from time to time simply because I find the prospect of
00:18:02driving across the country with you incredibly stressful!
00:18:06All right.
00:18:07Sounds like a party to me.
00:18:11So, what should we listen to?
00:18:13Jewel, Sarah, Fiona?
00:18:15I'm in a sensitive mood, aren't you?
00:18:17Cut the crap, Eddie.
00:18:18I'm already in the car.
00:18:20All right, let's burn this baby.
00:18:21New York, go!
00:18:30They'll be singin', gonna be singin', Christmas carols by the old charell.
00:18:44Celebratin', congregatin', and exchangin' greetings by the old charell.
00:18:53There'll be lots of little children, and I think their eyes will be.
00:18:58See you love birds.
00:18:59They'll see what Santa left around the tree.
00:19:04They'll be merry, singin' those merry, Christmas carols by the old charell.
00:19:16Hey, it's Allie.
00:19:17You got the machine, you know the...
00:19:18Allie, it's me.
00:19:20Listen, I am so sorry.
00:19:28Hey, it's Allie.
00:19:30Desert Santa Buzzer Tumbleweed.
00:19:33This totally sucks.
00:19:37You got a mean disposition for a Santa.
00:19:40I need to make another phone call.
00:19:42Long distance?
00:19:44What from here is not long distance?
00:19:59Hello?
00:19:59Tracy, it's Jake.
00:20:01Oh, hi.
00:20:02Where are you?
00:20:03I'm in the middle of nowhere, dressed like Santa Claus, being attacked by a killer Tumbleweed.
00:20:08Cool.
00:20:09Get me, Dad.
00:20:09When did I become your slave?
00:20:11When did I become your slave?
00:20:12The day you were born.
00:20:14Oh, right.
00:20:15Oh, Dad!
00:20:18It's the prodigal son.
00:20:21Hello?
00:20:22Hello, Father.
00:20:24Dad.
00:20:25Jake, you sound funny.
00:20:26Jake, are you at the airport?
00:20:28Well, I've had some setbacks, but if you wire me some money, I'll make it home for Christmas.
00:20:33Just what kind of a bind are you in, Jake?
00:20:36He's in the middle of nowhere, dressed as Santa Claus, being attacked by a killer Bumblebee.
00:20:40That's Tumbleweed.
00:20:41Otherwise, it's just like she said.
00:20:43That is the worst alibi in a long line of bad alibis, Jake.
00:20:47But it's all true.
00:20:49That's what you always say.
00:20:50I know, but I really need your help if I'm going to make it home on time.
00:20:54Now, look, we had a deal.
00:20:55It is up to you to get yourself home on Christmas Eve, or you can forget about the Porsche.
00:21:00Dad?
00:21:05Excuse me.
00:21:06I couldn't help overhearing.
00:21:08You're trying to get home for Christmas, and your father won't help you?
00:21:13Oh, it's not that.
00:21:14It's just...
00:21:19He's so worried about the operation.
00:21:21He's not thinking clearly.
00:21:24Operation?
00:21:26Yeah.
00:21:27The whole family chipped in and got him a triple bypass for Christmas.
00:21:32I sent home every last dollar I earned working as a shopping mall Santa.
00:21:37The operation's on Christmas Eve.
00:21:39And now I won't be home until after the anesthesia wears off.
00:21:44Oh, dear.
00:21:47You know, me and the girls are driving to Vegas to see Tom Jones.
00:21:53We're Tom Tom girls.
00:21:55You want to ride with us?
00:21:57Do you have What's New Pussycat?
00:22:03What's New Pussycat?
00:22:05Whoa!
00:22:07Whoa!
00:22:08Whoa!
00:22:09Whoa!
00:22:10Whoa!
00:22:12Whoa!
00:22:12Whoa!
00:22:12Whoa!
00:22:13Whoa!
00:22:14Whoa!
00:22:14Whoa!
00:22:14Whoa!
00:22:16Whoa!
00:22:17Do you think it's funny how easily old people can catch pneumonia?
00:22:20Do you think that's a joke? Ha ha ha!
00:22:23No. It's just, I had a hard night and I'm not feeling so well.
00:22:27Hey! Get out of there!
00:22:30Aw. Darlene! Mama's teeth have fallen out of her mouth again.
00:22:35Just wedge them back in, dear.
00:22:38Okay, Santa Claus, make yourself useful and just put those right back in her mouth.
00:22:44Gherkins, anyone?
00:22:47Oh, for Pete's sake.
00:22:50Oh, well, that's lovely.
00:22:53What happened? Santa just yammied in your handbag.
00:22:57There he goes again.
00:22:59Well, stop him!
00:23:01Okay. There, Santa! Santa, get up!
00:23:05Ow!
00:23:07Did I hurt you, Santa?
00:23:10Good.
00:23:11All right, Buster, out you get!
00:23:14Out you get out!
00:23:16Get out of here!
00:23:17Get out of here, you!
00:23:20And take your beard with you!
00:23:22Oh, I never heard of such a...
00:23:24Imagine yammeing in my sister's handbag!
00:23:36There you go, there's five.
00:23:40Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed.
00:23:42Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed.
00:23:45Oh, oh, oh, I love this game.
00:23:47Pick which word is not like the others.
00:23:48Uh, Santa.
00:23:50No, idiot.
00:23:51It's a message Jake left on my machine.
00:23:53Wow.
00:23:55Bizarre, huh?
00:23:57Yeah.
00:24:01Thanks.
00:24:10Allie?
00:24:15Eddie?
00:24:17Eddie.
00:24:18Eddie?
00:24:19Eddie?
00:24:21Eddie?
00:24:27Eddie?
00:24:31Eddie?
00:24:33Eddie?
00:24:34Eddie?
00:24:36Eddie?
00:24:38Eddie?
00:24:39Eddie?
00:24:40Eddie?
00:24:40Eddie?
00:24:41Eddie?
00:24:42Eddie?
00:24:42Eddie?
00:24:43Eddie?
00:24:44Eddie?
00:24:46Eddie?
00:24:47Eddie?
00:24:53I'll have a blue Christmas without you
00:25:03I'll be so blue just thinking about you
00:25:16Decoration, a red on a green Christmas tree
00:25:25It won't mean a thing if you're not here
00:25:33This is the worst day of my life
00:25:39Snowflakes
00:25:41And it just got worse
00:25:45That's when those blue
00:25:50Memories start calling
00:25:56You'll be doing alright
00:26:00With your Christmas
00:26:03A white
00:26:06But I'll have a blue
00:26:10Blue blue Christmas
00:26:21But I'll have a blue
00:26:26Blue blue Christmas
00:26:32Oh, oh, oh, tubby
00:26:35Secret fat man handshake
00:26:36Alright
00:26:38You know, confidentially speaking
00:26:40Just between us Santas
00:26:42Don't you ever get tired of wearing this suit
00:26:44I mean, every year it's the same suit
00:26:45Red, red, red, red, red
00:26:47I mean, does any guy really look good in red
00:26:49I don't think so
00:26:53Got room on the sled for two
00:26:56Thanks
00:26:56I really appreciate it
00:26:58You're a pal
00:27:00No
00:27:01No
00:27:02No
00:27:04No
00:27:05No
00:27:05No
00:27:08No
00:27:09No
00:27:10No
00:27:10No
00:27:25No
00:27:29No
00:27:30No
00:27:31No
00:27:31No
00:27:36No
00:27:38No
00:27:38No
00:27:59No
00:28:01No
00:28:01No
00:28:04Here comes Saddle, here comes Saddle, riding down Saddle's land.
00:28:10They're such a new sail, I'll leave the reindeer pulling on the rain.
00:28:17Wells are ringing till anything at all is merry and bright.
00:28:23Hang your stockings and say your prayer.
00:28:26Hi there!
00:28:28Yeah, Merry Christmas you too.
00:28:30Come Saddle, ride down Saddle's land.
00:28:35He's gonna bang up, we'll talk for boys and girls again.
00:28:41Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle, what a beautiful sound.
00:28:47Come on, where's the hand?
00:28:50Come on, where's the hand?
00:28:54Come Saddle, ride down Saddle's land.
00:28:59Come Saddle, ride down Saddle's land.
00:29:00It's time to bring out, it's Christmas morn again.
00:29:05Peace on earth, we'll come tomorrow.
00:29:08We'll follow the light.
00:29:11Oh, let's give thanks to the Lord above you.
00:29:14Oh, Santa.
00:29:24Oh, man.
00:29:25Oh, maaaan.
00:29:26I went and killed Santa.
00:29:32Oh, no.
00:29:36Santa!
00:29:39Santa!
00:29:41Oh, thank God!
00:29:52Hang on, Santa, I'm coming!
00:29:55I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
00:29:57Hold on, hold on.
00:30:01Hey?
00:30:02Ow, ow, ow, ow.
00:30:04Am I alive?
00:30:05Sir, I have never been happy to answer that question in my life.
00:30:09Yes, you are alive!
00:30:12You've been asked that question before?
00:30:14Oh, maybe 10, 12 times.
00:30:27Oh, you-pee-ye-yay.
00:30:32Oh, you-pee-ye-yay.
00:30:33Oh, you-pee-ye-yay.
00:30:46I mean, I'm in touch with my inner child, for God's sake.
00:30:49Is the question coming before Ohio?
00:30:51Yeah, well, what I'm getting at is, what does Jake have that I haven't gotten?
00:30:58It's the stuff he comes up with.
00:31:01Funny things.
00:31:03Amazing things.
00:31:04Things that just give me the chills.
00:31:07Yeah, give me an example of one of these chills things, huh?
00:31:10Okay.
00:31:13Okay, there was this one time I was feeling really bad.
00:31:15It was just a really down day.
00:31:19Jake took my hand in his, and being really sweet, he said,
00:31:23not even the rain has such small hands.
00:31:27Not even the rain has such small hands?
00:31:31What a nerd!
00:31:32It's E.E. Cummings.
00:31:34Huh?
00:31:36Poetry, Eddie?
00:31:38And that gave you chills?
00:31:41You wouldn't understand.
00:31:45Allie?
00:31:46What?
00:31:49Not even the corn had such big ears.
00:31:53Oh, that's beautiful.
00:31:54I'm really moved, Eddie.
00:31:55Oh, look, because if it's poetry you want, I got it, baby.
00:31:59There once was a man from Nantucket.
00:32:01Just drive the car, Eddie.
00:32:02I got it now.
00:32:09Man, oh, man.
00:32:10I was sure you were a goner.
00:32:12Nolan, it's been two hours.
00:32:14I can't have this conversation with you anymore.
00:32:17What conversation?
00:32:18The one where you go, you were sure I was a goner,
00:32:20and I go, yeah, that was really a close one.
00:32:23Oh, okay.
00:32:28Hey, that's a Pathfinder.
00:32:29Catch up with them.
00:32:30Who's them?
00:32:31My girlfriend.
00:32:33No kidding?
00:32:33All the way out here?
00:32:36Wait a minute.
00:32:37Are you saying that's Mrs. Claus in that car with another guy?
00:32:41Mrs. Claus stepping out on Santa
00:32:43and letting some other guy down the chimney?
00:32:46Why, that two-time and hoe?
00:32:48Uh, Nolan reality check?
00:32:51You say no more, Santa.
00:32:52I'm after this.
00:33:02Nolan, I said catch them.
00:33:04Try not to kill us.
00:33:05All right, all right.
00:33:08Nolan, there's a cop behind us with his lights on.
00:33:10Slow down.
00:33:12Oh, man.
00:33:13Cops make me nervous.
00:33:15I'm going to make a run for it.
00:33:16What are you, nuts?
00:33:17Look, my daddy always said,
00:33:19it's better to go out in a blaze of glory
00:33:20than to rot in a state correctional facility.
00:33:25Let me guess, you're about to tell me
00:33:27the stuff in the back's stolen, right?
00:33:30I won't if you don't want me to.
00:33:33Stop the car, Nolan.
00:33:35Stop the?
00:33:36Stop the car.
00:33:43All right, come on, Jake.
00:33:44Think, think, think, think, think.
00:33:46I know.
00:33:47Put this on.
00:33:48Act like my elf.
00:33:50All right, all right.
00:33:51How do elves act?
00:33:52I don't know.
00:33:54Happy.
00:33:55Happy.
00:34:06Merry Christmas, officer.
00:34:08Problem?
00:34:10You in a bit of a hurry, aren't you?
00:34:12Well, that's my fault.
00:34:13Busy time of year for me.
00:34:15Ho, ho, ho.
00:34:16I'm an elf.
00:34:18So it seems.
00:34:19Do you realize you were going 79
00:34:21in a 65-mile-per-hour zone?
00:34:23You should try catching me in my sleigh.
00:34:26Ho, ho, ho.
00:34:28You see, officer,
00:34:29my elf Snowpuff and I
00:34:31are heading to the children's hospital
00:34:32in the next town.
00:34:33You mean Redcliffe?
00:34:35Yeah, Redcliffe, exactly.
00:34:36To distribute toys to the youngsters.
00:34:39You know, I'm sorry if in my haste
00:34:40I sped up a bit,
00:34:41but every second counts
00:34:43to a bedridden child.
00:34:46All right.
00:34:47I'll tell you what.
00:34:48No more speeding.
00:34:50Okay, Santa?
00:34:5165, stay alive.
00:34:53Merry Christmas.
00:34:54Thank you, officer.
00:34:57And that is how the big boys do it.
00:35:00You know what?
00:35:02My shift ends in a few minutes.
00:35:04Why don't you follow me?
00:35:05I'll get you there in no time.
00:35:09So that's how the big boys do it?
00:35:12Shut up, Nolan.
00:35:23So close, yet so far.
00:35:33Please stay in the car.
00:35:34Please stay in the car.
00:35:35Please stay in the car.
00:35:37Man, I guess he couldn't hear you.
00:35:46Hey, thank you, officer.
00:35:47Say, do you all mind
00:35:48if I go in there with you?
00:35:50I kind of like to see
00:35:50the kids' faces, you know,
00:35:51when you give them their gifts.
00:35:54The more, the merrier.
00:35:57And do you want a pony
00:35:59and a Barbie dream house
00:36:00and light bright deluxe stand?
00:36:02Now, that's all great stuff,
00:36:03but Santa's going to give you
00:36:04something even better.
00:36:06A KitchenAid Classic Plus toaster
00:36:08with exclusive AcuToast sensor
00:36:10for consistent toasting
00:36:11time after time.
00:36:13Now, sweetie,
00:36:14this toaster is extra wide
00:36:15so you can get four bagels
00:36:17in there instead of the usual two.
00:36:19Okay, thank you, Santa.
00:36:20You're welcome.
00:36:21But, Santa,
00:36:22this toaster was already promised
00:36:23to a little cowpoke named Nolan.
00:36:29Hand it over to the kids, Snowpaw.
00:36:35All right, let's get this line moving.
00:36:37Who's next?
00:36:39All righty.
00:36:40And what do you want for Christmas?
00:36:43And finally,
00:36:45ho, ho, ho.
00:36:47Merry Christmas.
00:36:48And what's your name, little boy?
00:36:50Esteban.
00:36:51Esteban.
00:36:52All right, let's see
00:36:53what we have here today
00:36:54for Esteban.
00:36:58Look at this.
00:37:00A Eureka Boss
00:37:01cordless rechargeable vacuum cleaner.
00:37:03No, thank you.
00:37:07Well, uh,
00:37:08I don't know what else
00:37:09I have here for you, buddy.
00:37:11What do you want for Christmas?
00:37:13To go home.
00:37:43I want to be with
00:37:44candles on top
00:37:45and plum pudding
00:37:46and Christmas carols
00:37:47and...
00:37:49Oh, sugar doll,
00:37:50I miss you so much.
00:37:51I don't want to offend
00:37:52stolen goods no more.
00:37:53I just want to...
00:37:54I just want to beg you
00:37:54to come home for Christmas.
00:37:56Please, Marjorie,
00:37:57you know I didn't mean to hurt you.
00:37:58I don't know how I'm going to get
00:37:59through the holidays
00:38:00without you.
00:38:01I just need to talk
00:38:02to my dad or Tracy.
00:38:04Are either of them there?
00:38:06Oh, gee,
00:38:07your dad and Tracy
00:38:08went to the mall.
00:38:09It's just me
00:38:10holding down the fort.
00:38:12Uh-huh.
00:38:13We are all so excited
00:38:15you're coming home.
00:38:16We've got the tree
00:38:16all set up.
00:38:18It looks great.
00:38:19And I've just been
00:38:20shopping and cooking
00:38:21and cooking and shopping.
00:38:23Speaking of which,
00:38:24your sweater size.
00:38:26Are you a...
00:38:27You're a 38, right?
00:38:29Yeah, I guess.
00:38:31Where are you now?
00:38:33Are you on your way home?
00:38:34Yeah, look,
00:38:35I got to run,
00:38:36so you take care now,
00:38:38okay?
00:38:39Okay.
00:38:40Bye.
00:38:41Bye.
00:38:54I gotta tell you,
00:38:56Santa, sir,
00:38:56although I've only been
00:38:57your elf for a very short time,
00:38:59I feel like a new man,
00:39:00changed.
00:39:02Do I look changed to you?
00:39:06Well, maybe you've changed
00:39:07on the inside where it counts.
00:39:09Yeah, that's it.
00:39:10I've changed on the inside,
00:39:11and I'm going home for Christmas.
00:39:15Home?
00:39:15I thought you were going east.
00:39:17Nope, back the other way.
00:39:18But, Nolan,
00:39:19I saved your buck back down the road.
00:39:21Don't you think you owe me something?
00:39:23Uh, yes, I do.
00:39:28Didn't mean to leave you hanging, buddy.
00:39:30Whoa.
00:39:32Merry Christmas.
00:39:36What?
00:39:36Can I have a word with you?
00:39:38What is it?
00:39:39Well, it's my wife, Marjorie.
00:39:41She left me last month,
00:39:42and, well,
00:39:43if I could just get her back home
00:39:44for Christmas,
00:39:45I know we could start again.
00:39:47Why are you telling me this?
00:39:48She won't listen to me,
00:39:49but I got a hunch
00:39:50she might listen to Santa.
00:39:52See,
00:39:52if you walked into the restaurant
00:39:53where she works
00:39:54and asked her to forgive me,
00:39:55I know she come home.
00:39:57She left you, right?
00:39:58Yeah.
00:39:59So where's your dignity?
00:40:01Don't go crawling back to her.
00:40:02Let her come groveling back to you.
00:40:04Yeah, maybe you're right.
00:40:05Why drive all the way to Nebraska
00:40:07just to get slammed again?
00:40:09Wait, Nebraska?
00:40:11Hasn't ease to hear?
00:40:12It's about a six-hour trip.
00:40:14What's the matter with you, man?
00:40:15You love her enough to marry her,
00:40:16but you won't take a little drive?
00:40:20So, Max,
00:40:21what'd you do that made your wife so mad
00:40:22that you'd take a job 300 miles away?
00:40:25I stayed out at Smitty's
00:40:26till three one morning.
00:40:28Doesn't seem so bad.
00:40:30With an old girlfriend.
00:40:33All right, here's the deal.
00:40:34If I get Marjorie to come home for Christmas,
00:40:36you buy me a bus ticket to New York.
00:40:38If you can get Marjorie
00:40:40to come home for Christmas,
00:40:41I'll buy you a bus ticket to the moon.
00:40:44All right.
00:40:48Hey.
00:40:48Hey.
00:40:49Looking good.
00:40:50Yeah.
00:40:51I got kind of a weird call
00:40:53from Jake while you were out.
00:40:54He didn't say where he was calling from,
00:40:56but I'm pretty sure he's on the road.
00:40:58I hope he's gonna make it okay.
00:41:00There is not an obstacle in this world
00:41:02that will keep my son from this car.
00:41:05Oh, my God!
00:41:06There's a scratch!
00:41:06There's a scratch!
00:41:07Where?
00:41:07Where?
00:41:08Get a wife, Dad.
00:41:14See ya.
00:41:14See ya.
00:41:21Well, she's ready for you, son.
00:41:25Wherever you are.
00:41:35There she is, right there.
00:41:37Isn't she the most beautiful thing
00:41:39you've ever seen?
00:41:41Yeah, no doubt.
00:41:42So what do you want me to tell her?
00:41:43That if she doesn't come home,
00:41:46I'll die.
00:41:48Good.
00:41:48Die!
00:41:49Now, don't you think you're being
00:41:50a little bit harsh now, Marjorie?
00:41:52Harsh?
00:41:53After he kissed that tramp
00:41:54in front of everybody at Smitty's?
00:41:57Well, you know,
00:41:57I'm sure it was a friendly kiss, right?
00:41:59Like brother-sister.
00:42:01There was tongue.
00:42:02There was not!
00:42:04There was too, you big pig!
00:42:06Everybody saw it!
00:42:07Marjorie, it wasn't me kissing her!
00:42:10It was the eggermeister!
00:42:12We made a commitment, Max,
00:42:14to honor and obey
00:42:15for better or for worse.
00:42:17Okay, this is worse!
00:42:19Ugh!
00:42:19He really burns my biscuits.
00:42:21Let me handle this one, okay, Max?
00:42:25Don't you think you should
00:42:26give Max another chance?
00:42:27I mean, maybe this is all
00:42:28just a misunderstanding.
00:42:29He kissed her!
00:42:30How do you misunderstand that?
00:42:32Well, I'm sure he didn't
00:42:33mean to hurt you.
00:42:35You know, it's just like
00:42:35this other couple I know
00:42:36who are all upset
00:42:37about a misunderstanding.
00:42:39Oh, yeah?
00:42:39What's wrong with them?
00:42:40Well, they had a trip planned
00:42:41to go back east
00:42:42and he canceled last minute
00:42:43because he wanted to take her
00:42:44to Cabo San Lucas
00:42:45for Christmas instead.
00:42:46But she thought he was
00:42:47being selfish,
00:42:48which was a misunderstanding.
00:42:50No, it wasn't.
00:42:50He sounds like a jerk.
00:42:51No, he's not.
00:42:53I mean, if she had understood,
00:42:54she would have realized
00:42:55that the guy's got a stepmother
00:42:56that he doesn't like very much.
00:42:57Well, what's wrong
00:42:58with the stepmother?
00:42:59Well, the dad married her
00:43:00only ten months
00:43:01after his wife died.
00:43:02She must be a babe.
00:43:04Why is this guy
00:43:05mad at the stepmother?
00:43:06It's not her fault.
00:43:07Don't you think
00:43:07ten months is a little soon?
00:43:09No, she's a babe.
00:43:12Look, what does any of this
00:43:14have to do with me and Max?
00:43:16Misunderstandings can be overcome
00:43:17if both people just try.
00:43:20Look, right now,
00:43:21Max is sitting out there
00:43:22with a broken heart
00:43:23and all he's asking for
00:43:25is a second chance.
00:43:26Just give him another shot.
00:43:30Hey, Marge.
00:43:32Sounds about a topper
00:43:33on this coffee.
00:43:35You know what?
00:43:36I've got a job to do.
00:43:44How did it go?
00:43:45Well, you know what a swirly is?
00:43:47You mean when somebody
00:43:48jams your head in a toilet bowl
00:43:49and flushes it?
00:43:50Yeah, it was pretty much like that.
00:43:51Oh, man.
00:43:52Now get in there.
00:43:53Say something romantic.
00:43:55Huh?
00:43:57Something apologetic?
00:43:59Something in English.
00:44:02Here's us.
00:44:03All right, already.
00:44:04Come here.
00:44:15I got an idea.
00:44:28Oh, Marjorie.
00:44:31Oh, Marjorie.
00:44:33I need to have you home.
00:44:41Oh, Marjorie.
00:44:43Oh, Marjorie.
00:44:45I need to have you home.
00:44:53I'm sorry I was such an insensitive jerk that night.
00:45:00I hope that singing this song
00:45:05will make everything all right.
00:45:09You're not the only one.
00:45:11Oh, Marjorie.
00:45:14Oh, Marjorie.
00:45:18Oh, baby.
00:45:20Oh, baby.
00:45:23I'm waking up to you
00:45:26on the velvet skirt
00:45:29of the Christmas tree.
00:45:36Oh, my God.
00:45:46If you just come home
00:45:57Now on your knees.
00:45:59Now on your knees.
00:46:01No, we don't sing it.
00:46:08Marjorie, I'm so sorry, baby.
00:46:11Won't you please?
00:46:29Here's your ticket. Your bus will be here in ten minutes.
00:46:33Thanks. Thank you.
00:46:40Well, see ya.
00:46:42Hey, Santa.
00:46:44Yeah.
00:46:44I, uh, I hope that other couple, you know, works through their misunderstandings.
00:46:51Me too.
00:46:55What other couple?
00:46:57No, it doesn't matter. It's just you and me, baby.
00:47:08You know what I've always wondered?
00:47:10What?
00:47:12Out of all the planets in the universe, how is it that this is the only one that spawned intelligent
00:47:18life?
00:47:20Yeah.
00:47:20Yeah.
00:47:22You know what I always wonder about?
00:47:24What's that?
00:47:25How come more breakfast joints don't serve your food right in the skillet?
00:47:28Like Denny's.
00:47:30When you think about it, they give you your meat, your eggs, your spuds right in the pan.
00:47:33Man, that rocks!
00:47:34Or like when a homeless guy, he comes up to you and he says he's the messiah.
00:47:37And then he asks you for money and you're just like, you know, you just want to walk away.
00:47:40But then you think to yourself, what happens if he is the messiah?
00:47:44And I'm just blowing the dude off.
00:47:47Think about it.
00:47:49I take back what I said about intelligent life on Earth.
00:47:56Hey, look at that!
00:47:58Ugh.
00:48:00Velveeta, come on now.
00:48:02That's why we have to stay there.
00:48:04Come on, where would you rather go?
00:48:06Another dumpy motel or a fake Bavarian village in the middle of nowhere?
00:48:11I don't think it's very Eddie.
00:48:13Well, I think it's totally Eddie.
00:48:15It's completely cheesy and trying to be cool.
00:48:19When are you gonna stop being mean to the Ed Man, huh?
00:48:22When you stop referring to yourself in the third person.
00:48:39Maybe I should just go with it.
00:48:50I think it's okay.
00:48:53Check this out.
00:48:54Tell me what's better.
00:48:56Ho, ho, ho.
00:48:57Merry Christmas.
00:48:59Ho, ho, ho.
00:49:00Merry Christmas.
00:49:03Ho, ho, ho.
00:49:03Merry Christmas.
00:49:06Well, the first one's good for really little kids like my sister, who's three.
00:49:11And the second one's good for big kids, like my friends and me.
00:49:15And the third one's good if you want to scare people
00:49:18and watch them run away screaming.
00:49:22Okay, cool, thanks.
00:49:24Whatever.
00:49:53Well, look at that. The clock man is sexually harassing the clock lady. How typical.
00:50:00Uh, don't witness it. You might have to testify.
00:50:04Wow, Eddie, that was actually clever.
00:50:06Hey, I'm a witty guy. I mean, you think this astonishing physique is all the Ed-Man has to offer,
00:50:13huh?
00:50:13Well, take this, Ed-Man.
00:50:17Oh, my God, you're dead. You're so dead. I'm gonna get it so dead.
00:50:20Oh, my God.
00:50:25This is Wendy Richards reporting live from Adelbrook, Iowa,
00:50:28site of the Strudelstrasen and world-famous human clock.
00:50:31Now, the temperature outside stands at 31 degrees,
00:50:34but, of course, the temperature's always a little bit warmer underneath the mistletoe arch.
00:50:38And, uh, here's a couple now.
00:50:40I hope you kids know where you're standing.
00:50:48I'll kill him.
00:50:49Your attention, please. Bus 33 to New York is now boarding.
00:50:53All passengers with tickets, please, proceed to Kerr.
00:50:59I think you just stopped being mean to me.
00:51:17Excuse me. Conway?
00:51:18Get behind the yellow line.
00:51:20Hey, just a second. I need to ask you a favor.
00:51:21Just get behind the yellow line.
00:51:23I realize you're on a schedule, but it being the holidays and all.
00:51:26I wonder if you wouldn't mind taking a small detour to Adelbrook.
00:51:28I think everyone would really enjoy it.
00:51:30But I wouldn't.
00:51:32What if we...
00:51:33No.
00:51:33How about we...
00:51:34But...
00:51:35No.
00:51:36Got it.
00:51:41That is very good.
00:51:43Look at that.
00:51:45Here.
00:51:46Why don't you try to use the yellow line?
00:52:02Sorry we only had one room left tonight.
00:52:04It being Christmas and all.
00:52:05But, uh...
00:52:06You'll find that it's very special.
00:52:11Feel coming to your honeymoon suite.
00:52:35Is this yours?
00:52:37Hmm?
00:52:38No.
00:52:39Not yours either.
00:52:41Whose is it?
00:52:45No.
00:52:45Human liver?
00:52:47Organ donation?
00:52:48Oh, my God!
00:52:49We've got a live liver here!
00:52:51It says, deliver to Ali Henderson in Adelbrook.
00:52:53ASAP.
00:52:54Think it's real?
00:52:55Let's take a look.
00:52:57We move!
00:52:58We need to get to Adelbrook!
00:53:01Okay, everybody sit down!
00:53:04What the hell is wrong with you, man?
00:53:06You get behind the yellow line!
00:53:07Don't give me your lip!
00:53:08I don't believe you, man.
00:53:10There's a little girl in Adelbrook that needs a liver transplant.
00:53:14We've got a schedule to keep!
00:53:15Schedule, shmedule!
00:53:16Shame on you!
00:53:17This isn't about schedules, man!
00:53:19It's the gift of life!
00:53:21The greatest Christmas gift ever!
00:53:23And we've even got Santa to bring it to her!
00:53:25This is a non-stop bus to New York!
00:53:27This is happening for a reason!
00:53:29We were put on this bus to take this organ to Adelbrook!
00:53:33Adelbrook!
00:53:34Adelbrook!
00:53:35Adelbrook!
00:53:36Adelbrook!
00:53:36Adelbrook!
00:53:37Adelbrook!
00:53:37Okay!
00:53:38You think I don't care about that little girl?
00:53:41Well, you're wrong!
00:53:42We're going to Adelbrook, all right, but because I say we are!
00:53:46Hey, hey, hey!
00:53:47Now, everybody behind the yellow line and sit down!
00:53:56It's funny, Eddie.
00:53:58I never thought I'd end up sleeping in the same bed with you, and yet somehow with you here, I
00:54:03feel safe.
00:54:05You want me to put on any more clothes?
00:54:08Nah, that should be fine.
00:54:10Good night, Addy.
00:54:11Good night.
00:54:14Good night.
00:54:15Good night.
00:54:23I'm giving you 10 minutes!
00:54:25You fired that girl, Santa!
00:54:27Go, Santa!
00:54:28Go, Santa!
00:54:29Go, Santa!
00:54:30Go, Santa!
00:54:30Go, Santa!
00:54:30Go, Santa!
00:54:30Go, Santa!
00:54:31Everybody shut up!
00:54:33Yeah!
00:54:47Hi. Can you tell me if there's an Ali Henderson or an Eddie Taffet checked in here?
00:54:50I'm sorry, Santa. I'm not allowed to give out information on our guests.
00:54:54Listen, ma'am, I have a full plate of activities tonight.
00:54:57Not to mention a pesky Grinch who has kidnapped Mrs. Claus in an attempt to make my life miserable.
00:55:01I'm sorry, Santa, but that's policy.
00:55:04Policy? Policy does not apply to me. I override policy. I want to know where my girlfriend is.
00:55:20Music is playing.
00:55:20Music is playing.
00:55:36Lady Delano
00:55:40Lady Delano
00:55:40Lady Delano
00:55:57Maintenance
00:56:02Where is he?
00:56:03Jake
00:56:04What are you doing here?
00:56:07Why are you dressed like Santa Claus?
00:56:09I had to hijack a bus.
00:56:10Eddie and his buddies left me in the desert like this the other night.
00:56:14Desert Santa buzzard tumbleweed.
00:56:16So what gives with you kissing that slimy moron?
00:56:19It's not what you think.
00:56:21Jake, what are you doing here, bud?
00:56:22This love nest is full.
00:56:24Calm down, Jake. Nothing happened.
00:56:26Where's the trust, man?
00:56:28I saw you kissing her on TV, you dirtbag.
00:56:30He got me under the mistletoe for two seconds. Big deal.
00:56:33It was more like five seconds.
00:56:36And they were good.
00:56:40Foul. Fighting foul.
00:56:45How could you let that idiot give you a ride?
00:56:47I thought you left me high and dry.
00:56:49What was I supposed to do? Beam myself home?
00:56:51Allie, I was stuck in the desert. I couldn't get to you.
00:56:54I had no choice.
00:56:58Okay, forgive you.
00:57:08So, you still mad at me?
00:57:10Yo, if anyone should be mad here, it's me.
00:57:12Okay, because I've had to listen to non-stop Natalie Merchant, E.Z. Cummings.
00:57:16It's E.E. Cummings.
00:57:18I have been stuck in a Santa suit for two days,
00:57:20fighting off buzzards, dentures, and thugs in lederhosen.
00:57:23I'm tired, I'm hungry, I stink, and because of you,
00:57:26I'm not going to be home by six o'clock tonight.
00:57:29Why do you have to be home by six o'clock?
00:57:32What's that?
00:57:34You heard the question, why do you have to be home by six?
00:57:39Because that's when dinner will be ready.
00:57:41Ow!
00:57:42If you have even one decent chromosome in your DNA,
00:57:45you will not lie to me right now, Jake.
00:57:47All right.
00:57:51It's just that, if I get home by then,
00:57:55my dad's going to give me the Porsche.
00:57:58The Porsche.
00:57:59Allie, let me...
00:58:00Wait!
00:58:01So you didn't trade Cabo for me, you traded it for a car.
00:58:04It's not like that.
00:58:05You two deserve each other.
00:58:11Allie, wait.
00:58:13Will you just stop and listen to me?
00:58:15Look, if I had to do it all over again,
00:58:17I probably wouldn't mention the stupid car.
00:58:20What? I was kidding!
00:58:22You don't care about anybody but yourself.
00:58:24You're a manipulator and a liar.
00:58:26I am not a liar.
00:58:27Hey, wait a minute.
00:58:28You're the girl who needs the transplant?
00:58:30Is that what Santa told you?
00:58:33Uh-huh.
00:58:35Right.
00:58:36I'm taking his place on the bus.
00:58:38No, wait.
00:58:38Allie, give me another chance.
00:58:40Why?
00:58:41Because I care about you.
00:58:43You gotta believe me.
00:58:45Santa, if you showed up on my doorstep
00:58:47in a one-horse open sleigh,
00:58:48I wouldn't believe you.
00:58:50Allie, I'm sorry.
00:58:52You know, I can't take fake remorse
00:58:54from a fake Santa making fake apologies.
00:58:56You might be a fake boyfriend, Jake,
00:58:58but I'll tell you one thing.
00:58:59You're a genuine butthole.
00:59:04Bye, Santa.
00:59:26I got rolled.
00:59:28The one I love is gone.
00:59:31I got rolled.
00:59:34Oh, man, I've seen guys get dumped before,
00:59:36but that was nuclear.
00:59:37I mean, she wasn't even aiming at me,
00:59:39and I'm gonna be walking funny for, like, a week.
00:59:41How do girls do that?
00:59:42I don't know.
00:59:43It's like that whole chick verbal skills thing.
00:59:45It's deadly.
00:59:47Oh, man, you know what?
00:59:48I gotta tell you, bro,
00:59:49I would've never thought I'd ever help you out.
00:59:52After that massacre,
00:59:53man, I just wouldn't be human.
00:59:55God, I never thought I'd be driving home with you either.
00:59:57It's pretty wild.
00:59:58Oh, it sure is.
01:00:00All right, now I get home in time to get the Porsche,
01:00:02I'll drive it back to school in January,
01:00:04figure out how to get Allie back,
01:00:05everything's gonna be great.
01:00:07Thanks, Ed, man.
01:00:10Sure.
01:00:17Get out.
01:00:17What?
01:00:19All that stuff you just said.
01:00:21I'm sorry, man.
01:00:22I just can't do that much good stuff for another person,
01:00:25you know?
01:00:26It'd be way bad for my rep.
01:00:27What are you talking about?
01:00:28I mean, what about that stuff you just said
01:00:30about being human, helping out another guy and me?
01:00:32Dude, I just took you to Wisconsin.
01:00:35Besides, what am I doing helping you out
01:00:37so you can get a Porsche and be cooler than me?
01:00:40I mean, not very smart.
01:00:42Not very Eddie.
01:00:48Uh, you're, uh, gonna have to take that off first.
01:00:51Yeah, I know that.
01:01:05Father Christmas, just tell me what you want from me.
01:01:19Better hurry!
01:01:49It's called carbo loading.
01:01:51Best thing you can do before a race like this.
01:01:55Hi.
01:01:56I'd like a number, please.
01:01:57Okay, that'll be a $10 entrance fee.
01:01:59You know I nailed that in.
01:02:01Oh, okay.
01:02:02So we sent you a receipt.
01:02:04Yes.
01:02:05Yes, you did.
01:02:06But you see, here's the dilly.
01:02:08There was a house fire and everything got torched.
01:02:10You know, personal papers, family photos,
01:02:12that little clay handprint ashtray I made when I was three.
01:02:15Oh, tragic tale.
01:02:18I'll cover the kid.
01:02:20Hey, thanks.
01:02:21Jake Wilkinson.
01:02:22Jeff Wilson.
01:02:24Here's your hat and beard.
01:02:26You gotta have them on when you cross the finish line
01:02:28or you'll be disqualified.
01:02:29Here we go again.
01:02:34Can anyone in this race actually run?
01:02:37Well, Sparky Fanaloni won the state marathon ten years ago.
01:02:40That was before the two-pack-a-day habit
01:02:42and subsequent lung removal.
01:02:45Look at this guy.
01:02:46I'll give us a run for our money.
01:02:48Denyon?
01:02:50Yes.
01:02:50All Santas to the starting line.
01:02:53All Santas to the starting line.
01:02:57See you at the finish line.
01:02:59All right.
01:03:00Go Santas, go!
01:03:02Yahoo!
01:03:04Go Santas!
01:03:07Santas!
01:03:08To your mark!
01:03:12On your mark!
01:03:15Get set!
01:03:24Thank you!
01:03:28You heard about the reindeer, you know you're the mastermind
01:03:34Run, run, Rudolph, right nothing too far behind
01:03:41Run, run, Rudolph, Santa's got a manip at time
01:03:58Hey jingle balls move your candy canes
01:04:23Oh
01:04:45Get up! I couldn't see her!
01:04:48Go! Go!
01:04:56Well, that's the end of that.
01:05:02Or not.
01:05:04Here you go. Easy.
01:05:05Looks like it's just you and me now.
01:05:08Ready to make a run for it?
01:05:10I was born ready.
01:05:26I got your hands!
01:05:28You can't see it without the hands!
01:05:30Go!
01:05:34Go!
01:05:37Go!
01:05:38Santa Claus is coming to town!
01:05:40Santa Claus is coming to town!
01:05:43Santa Claus is coming to town!
01:05:47Santa Claus is coming to town!
01:05:50Santa Claus is coming to town!
01:05:52Santa Claus is coming to town!
01:06:15Thank you very much. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
01:06:25Jake, Jake, thank God, dude. They're gonna try to arrest me. They're gonna try to arrest me.
01:06:31Come down and meet me at the station, please, man. I'm second.
01:06:34Taxi! Santa says take me to the airport.
01:06:48One-one-hundred, two-one-hundred, three-one-hundred.
01:06:56Hey there. All right.
01:06:58Hey, you're the kid who beat Mary Wilson in the Santa 5K.
01:07:01Yep, that's me.
01:07:04Wait a minute. Mayor Wilson?
01:07:05Oh, you didn't know?
01:07:06Well, he wins every year.
01:07:07A lot of us folks wish he'd won this year, too.
01:07:10Yeah, he seemed like a good guy.
01:07:11Keeps the potholes filled, huh?
01:07:13Yeah, he keeps the potholes filled.
01:07:14He also donates his entire winnings every year to buy turkeys for people who can't afford them.
01:07:22He had to be the mayor.
01:07:28Can you turn around, please?
01:07:37I'll be right back.
01:08:01Hey.
01:08:04When did Santa start using the mailbox?
01:08:06Oh, didn't you hear about the new work exchange?
01:08:10Postman should be coming down your chimney a little later.
01:08:13You got some place to go?
01:08:15Yeah, it's Christmas Eve. Who doesn't?
01:08:20I could set a place for you.
01:08:23No, thanks. I'll be fine.
01:08:27Jake.
01:08:29Merry Christmas.
01:08:31You, too.
01:08:51Yes, operator, it's collect from Jake.
01:08:55Tracy, accept the...
01:08:58My, my dear brother, you are sounding slightly stressed.
01:09:01Is it the bumblebees again?
01:09:02Look, Tracy, I'm not gonna make it home, and I want you to tell Dad, okay?
01:09:06What do you mean you're not gonna make it home?
01:09:08Is this about Carolyn?
01:09:10No.
01:09:11It's about being stuck out here in the middle of nowhere with absolutely no money.
01:09:15The raid I'm going, I'll show up sometime in January, so Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and I'll see you
01:09:19around.
01:09:20Wait, what about the Porsche?
01:09:22What about it?
01:09:24Wow, you really must be in trouble.
01:09:27Would you fly home right now if you could?
01:09:30Uh, like, yeah.
01:09:31I've got at least four years of birthday money stashed upstairs in my ballerina bag.
01:09:35If I went to a ticket agent right now and bought you a plane ticket home, you'd make it in
01:09:39time for Christmas, right?
01:09:41You'd do that for me?
01:09:43No.
01:09:44I'd do it for Dad.
01:09:46Plus, think of the incredible pleasure I'll have holding this over your head for the rest of our lives.
01:09:51Okay, fine.
01:09:52Whatever you want.
01:09:52I'm near Madison, Wisconsin.
01:09:54I'll hitch a ride to the airport.
01:09:55I'll see you soon.
01:09:56Wait, uh, I don't have any ID.
01:09:58How am I gonna pick up the ticket?
01:10:00I know.
01:10:01I'll make up a secret password to go with your reservation that only you would know.
01:10:05Great.
01:10:05What's it gonna be?
01:10:06I am a smelly and revolting jerk who doesn't deserve to live and my sister is a mad cool goddess.
01:10:11Bingo.
01:10:12Wilkinson comma Jake.
01:10:14It's an unusual password.
01:10:16Unusual everything.
01:10:17So, what time's the flight leave?
01:10:18In 20 minutes.
01:10:20I'll need to see a picture ID.
01:10:21Well, I just gave you my password.
01:10:23That's right, sir, but I can't let you on the plane without proper identification.
01:10:26Then what was the point of my password?
01:10:28I don't make the rules, sir.
01:10:30It's just...
01:10:30Policy.
01:10:31I know.
01:10:35Text.
01:10:42Hi.
01:10:57Tsk.
01:11:01Tsk.
01:11:03Okay.
01:11:04Good Ringo.
01:11:05Merry Christmas to you too, Ringo.
01:11:07Good Ringo.
01:11:11Fat Ringo.
01:11:15Hey, Billy.
01:11:23What's going on?
01:11:23Get him!
01:11:24Get him!
01:11:25Move! Come here!
01:11:27Get away! Come back!
01:11:49Excuse me, come over, please.
01:11:52Excuse me.
01:12:00Good job.
01:12:01Merry Christmas, Santa.
01:12:03Got a ticket?
01:12:04No.
01:12:08The station is called.
01:12:10Next stop, New Rochelle followed by Larchmont.
01:12:12Larchmont.
01:12:23Even a bribe couldn't get him home.
01:12:27He still has 15 minutes.
01:12:34Hey!
01:12:35Hey!
01:12:36Hey, hey, hey!
01:12:38Hey, lady!
01:12:39Give me a ride?
01:12:40Please?
01:12:44Hey, give Santa a ride?
01:12:47Will anybody take me to Larchmont?
01:13:04All right.
01:13:08Are you still in the class?
01:13:21Wait!
01:13:21Wait, wait, wait!
01:13:22No, no, no!
01:13:22Don't turn left!
01:13:23Don't turn left!
01:13:24What are you doing?
01:13:25Don't turn!
01:13:26Go straight!
01:13:27Hey!
01:13:27Hey!
01:13:28Hey!
01:13:33Oh!
01:13:35Oh!
01:13:36Oh!
01:13:39Yeah!
01:13:46Oh!
01:13:50Oh!
01:13:52I hope for the day to go.
01:13:57Package people, do not unwrap yourselves.
01:14:00I repeat, do not unwrap yourselves.
01:14:03You unwrap yourself, you are out of my parade.
01:14:06Do I make myself clear?
01:14:15Hey!
01:14:16Hey!
01:14:17All right.
01:14:18What do you think you're doing?
01:14:19Hey!
01:14:21Buddy!
01:14:26I could have swore I parked that sleigh right here.
01:14:30Silent night
01:14:33All is calm
01:14:37All is calm
01:14:42All is bright
01:14:45Round yon virgin
01:14:51Mother and child
01:14:52Look out!
01:14:53Wait!
01:14:53Wait!
01:14:54Wait!
01:14:55Wait!
01:14:56Sorry!
01:15:04Come on, Jake.
01:15:06You can make it.
01:15:13You can make it.
01:15:13Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
01:15:15Ha, ha, ha.
01:15:48Nice ride.
01:15:50Thanks.
01:15:51Just got him back from the shop.
01:15:53Alves upgraded his shoes to the new Firestone radials.
01:15:58Not bad.
01:15:59Maybe you should have thought about snow tires.
01:16:04You know, you said even if Santa showed up on your doorstep
01:16:07in a one-horse open sleigh,
01:16:09you still wouldn't believe that I cared about you.
01:16:13So I don't expect this to work.
01:16:16But I gotta give it a shot.
01:16:18I mean, you know, I'm not the real Santa,
01:16:20and contrary to all appearances, this is not a real sleigh.
01:16:28But, Allie, for all the times I've been a genuine jerk,
01:16:33this is a real apology.
01:16:36If you'll accept it.
01:16:40I might.
01:16:46And this...
01:16:48is a real kiss.
01:17:10Come with me to my house.
01:17:11I have to be there in two minutes.
01:17:12Is this still about the worst?
01:17:13Just come with me.
01:17:14But I don't want you.
01:17:16Don't trust me.
01:17:20Shepherds quake.
01:17:22Help!
01:17:24Help!
01:17:37Okay.
01:17:38Let's eat.
01:17:53What time is it?
01:17:56It's 5 59.
01:17:58You made it.
01:18:01Yeah, I guess I did.
01:18:03Tell me when it's after 6, okay?
01:18:06What do you mean?
01:18:07Aren't you going in?
01:18:08No.
01:18:09Not yet.
01:18:11But I thought...
01:18:12Shh, shh, shh.
01:18:13Just watch.
01:18:15Watch what?
01:18:16My family.
01:18:29My family.
01:18:42Well, guess it's about time I went home for Christmas.
01:18:46Care to join me?
01:18:47You bet.
01:18:50All right.
01:18:58Hey, everybody.
01:18:59Merry Christmas.
01:19:02You made it.
01:19:07Hey!
01:19:08You made it!
01:19:09Ah, glad you're here.
01:19:11Me too.
01:19:13Did you have a hard time getting here?
01:19:14Ah, piece of cake.
01:19:16What's, uh...
01:19:17What's with this Santa suit?
01:19:19Long story, Dad.
01:19:21Hey!
01:19:21Hey, uh...
01:19:22Oh!
01:19:23You stick!
01:19:25Farting dog cargo hold longer story.
01:19:28Well, son...
01:19:30She's yours.
01:19:32But, Dad, I didn't make it home on time.
01:19:34Don't be silly.
01:19:34You were just a few seconds late.
01:19:36Here.
01:19:36No, no.
01:19:36Deal's a deal.
01:19:38Besides, she isn't ready yet.
01:19:40What do you mean?
01:19:41Well, we're not really finished fixing her up yet, are we?
01:19:44I mean, I'm sure it's gonna take us a bunch more Christmases together to get all the work done.
01:19:49Don't you think?
01:19:51Yeah.
01:19:5230 or 40, at least.
01:19:5636.
01:19:58Excuse me?
01:19:59My sweater says I'm a 36.
01:20:01Or a medium.
01:20:02Either will work.
01:20:05What's yours?
01:20:07Mine?
01:20:09Yeah, you know, for, uh, future information.
01:20:14Eight.
01:20:16Eight.
01:20:18I'll remember that.
01:20:21What the heck is that?
01:20:23That would be my parade.
01:20:25Oh, my God!
01:20:25Excuse me?
01:20:26Excuse me?
01:20:36Hey!
01:20:37Wait a minute!
01:20:39That's our sled!
01:20:41That's the guy!
01:20:43Come on!
01:20:48Hey, buddy.
01:20:50You stole our sleigh.
01:20:52You're just so lucky you're wearing that suit.
01:20:56You know, a few days ago, I might not have agreed with you.
01:20:59Nice wings.
01:21:01Thanks.
01:21:02Took a sewing class.
01:21:04It shows.
01:21:06Peace.
01:21:07Come on, Santa.
01:21:10Give me a ride home.
01:21:10Let's all go for a ride.
01:21:11Come on!
01:21:13Oh, I love it.
01:21:14I've never been in a sleigh before.
01:21:15Well, you better be careful.
01:21:16It'll go rental.
01:21:17Woo!
01:21:18Oh, this is insane.
01:21:20Huh.
01:21:21Let this buggy rip, bro!
01:21:23Yeah!
01:21:24Keep going in the hole!
01:21:26Look at it!
01:21:29Look at it!
01:21:30Look at it!
01:21:36Look at it!
01:21:38Oh!
01:21:40Oh!
01:21:40Oh!
01:21:42Oh!
01:21:47Merry Christmas
01:21:49Happy Holiday
01:21:52Merry Christmas
01:21:54Merry Christmas
01:21:57Merry Christmas
01:21:59Happy Holiday
01:22:05We've been waiting
01:22:08All here for this ride
01:22:12When the snow is glistening
01:22:14On the trees outside
01:22:16And all the stockings
01:22:17Hung by the fireside
01:22:22Waiting for Santa to arrive
01:22:26And all the love will show
01:22:28As everybody knows
01:22:31It's Christmas time
01:22:33And all the kids will see
01:22:35The gifts under the tree
01:22:37It's the best time of year
01:22:39For the family
01:22:42It's a wonderful feeling
01:22:44And the love in the room
01:22:46And the floor to the ceiling
01:22:47It's that time of year
01:22:50Christmas time is here
01:22:52And with the blessings from above
01:22:55God sent you His love
01:22:57And everything's okay
01:22:59Merry Christmas
01:23:00Happy Holiday
01:23:01Oh yeah
01:23:03Merry Christmas
01:23:05Merry Christmas
01:23:07Happy Holiday
01:23:11Oh yeah
01:23:13Oh
01:23:14Bells are ringing
01:23:16It's time to scream and shout
01:23:19Scream and shout
01:23:21And everybody's praying
01:23:23Cause schools are celebrating
01:23:25Special times we share
01:23:30Happiness
01:23:31Cause love is in the air
01:23:35And all the love will show
01:23:37Cause everybody knows
01:23:39It's Christmas time
01:23:42And all the kids will see
01:23:44The gifts under the tree
01:23:46It's the best time of year
01:23:48For the family
01:23:50It's a wonderful feeling
01:23:53It's a wonderful feeling
01:23:53With the love in the room
01:23:54From the floor to the ceiling
01:23:56Oh yeah
01:23:56It's that time of year
01:23:58That time of year
01:23:59Christmas time is here
01:24:01Oh yeah
01:24:01And with the blessings from above
01:24:03God sent you His love
01:24:06And everything's okay
01:24:07Merry Christmas
01:24:09Happy Holiday
01:24:12Merry Christmas
01:24:13Merry Christmas
01:24:15Merry Christmas
01:24:16And happy holiday
01:24:21Merry Christmas
01:24:23Oh yeah
01:24:24Merry Christmas
01:24:25And happy holiday
01:24:28No matter what your holiday
01:24:31It's a time to celebrate
01:24:35Put your worries aside
01:24:38And open up your mind
01:24:41Cause you do all right
01:24:43Find your time
01:24:44It's Christmas time
01:24:47Merry Christmas
01:24:49Merry Christmas
01:24:50Oh yeah
01:24:50Merry Christmas
01:24:51Merry Christmas
01:24:52Happy holiday
01:24:54Sing it everybody
01:24:55Merry Christmas
01:24:57Come on up
01:24:58Merry Christmas
01:24:59Let me hear you
01:25:00Merry Christmas
01:25:01And happy holiday
01:25:04It's a wonderful feeling
01:25:06With the love in the room
01:25:08From the floor to the ceiling
01:25:09It's that time of year
01:25:11That time of year
01:25:12Christmas time is here
01:25:14Oh yeah
01:25:17Oh yeah
01:25:17God sent you His love
01:25:19Oh yeah
01:25:19Everything's okay
01:25:20Yeah yeah yeah
01:25:22Merry Christmas
01:25:22Happy holiday
01:25:23Come on now
01:25:25Merry Christmas
01:25:26Let me hear you
01:25:27Merry Christmas
01:25:29And happy holiday
01:25:32Merry Christmas
01:25:33Merry Christmas
01:25:35Merry Christmas
01:25:36Oh yeah
01:25:36Merry Christmas
01:25:38Yeah
01:25:38And happy holiday
01:25:41Merry Christmas
01:25:43Merry Christmas
01:25:45Merry Christmas
01:25:47Merry Christmas
01:25:47Merry Christmas
01:25:48Happy holidays
01:25:51Happy holidays
01:25:52Happy holidays
01:25:53Happy holidays
01:25:53Happy holidays
01:25:55Happy holidays
01:25:55Happy holidays
01:25:56Happy holidays
01:25:56Happy holidays
01:25:56Happy holidays
01:25:57Happy holidays
01:26:00Happy holidays
01:26:02Happy holidays
01:26:04Happy holidays
01:26:04Happy holidays
01:26:04Happy holidays
01:26:05Happy holidays
01:26:06Happy holidays
01:26:06Happy holidays
01:26:06Happy holidays
01:26:06You
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