- 6 hours ago
I’ll Be Home for Christmas (1988) [Full Movie] [Hot 2026]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:07From Coney Island to the Sunset Strip, somebody's gonna make a happy trip tonight, while the
00:00:16moon is bright.
00:00:20He's gonna have a bag of crazy toys, to give the goniest of the girls and boys so did.
00:00:28Santa comes on big.
00:00:32He'll come a-callin' when the snow's the most, when all you cats are sleepin' warm as toast.
00:00:38Dad, you're gonna flip when old Santa Nick plays a lick on a peppermint stick.
00:00:45He'll come a-flyin' from a higher place, and fill the stockings by the fireplace.
00:00:50So you'll have your lips cool.
00:00:59No!
00:01:05Wait !
00:01:20Aw, embarrassing bit.
00:01:22Ah, it's terrifying, no.
00:01:54He's going to have a bag of crazy toys.
00:02:11He's going to have a bag of crazy toys.
00:02:27He's going to have a bag of crazy toys.
00:03:00He's going to have a bag of crazy toys.
00:03:11He's going to have a bag of crazy toys.
00:03:13He's going to have a bag of crazy toys.
00:03:17He's going to have a bag of crazy toys.
00:03:45Good morning, ladies.
00:03:46Hi, Jake.
00:03:48Do those things really work?
00:03:49Yeah, I want to see.
00:03:50No, no, no.
00:03:50It's okay.
00:03:57Hi.
00:04:02Ah, zone defense, huh?
00:04:05Guess I'm not going to be able to get in, unless...
00:04:08What's this?
00:04:10Cherry crunch?
00:04:11Would I bring you anything else?
00:04:19Sierra?
00:04:20I'm sure that tastes good here, but I bet it would taste even better someplace else.
00:04:23Shoo-shoo.
00:04:45Hey.
00:04:46Oh, hi.
00:04:48What are you doing here?
00:04:50Well, you always said you wanted to see what it would be like to wake up next to me.
00:04:54Ooh, good line.
00:04:56Premeditated or spontaneous?
00:04:58Oh, totally off the cuff.
00:04:59I was inspired by the lovely side of you drooling on your French book.
00:05:03I wasn't drooling.
00:05:04I was sleeping.
00:05:07Sleeping.
00:05:08S-s-s-I-I can't sleep.
00:05:09I've got to study.
00:05:10You were studying, uh, subliminally in your sleep.
00:05:12You were absorbing it off the page through osmosis.
00:05:14Not funny.
00:05:15Gimme that.
00:05:16Look, Jake.
00:05:17My final is in three hours, and you're here just distracting me.
00:05:20So would you please get out of here?
00:05:22Okay, okay.
00:05:23Suit yourself.
00:05:23I just wanted to let you know there's a freak storm outside.
00:05:26Looks like it's snowing.
00:05:28Snow.
00:05:29We're in the middle of Southern California.
00:05:31It's not snow.
00:05:33My God.
00:05:36It's snowing.
00:05:39Jake, you lunatic.
00:05:41Where did you get a snow machine?
00:05:45Oh, hey, Ian.
00:05:47Hiya.
00:05:47Holly.
00:05:51It's a white Christmas, just like home.
00:05:54And here's a little Christmas cheer.
00:05:57Eggnog.
00:05:57My mother makes this from scratch.
00:05:59And one more thing.
00:06:02More?
00:06:03Do I detect an overage of niceness going on here?
00:06:05Just read it.
00:06:07Two tickets to Cabo San Lucas, Christmas on the beach.
00:06:12Amazing.
00:06:13Well, I knew you'd be pissed.
00:06:18This is the most inconsiderate thing I've ever heard.
00:06:20I have plans that are important to me, Jake.
00:06:22Allie, it's not like I'm asking you to sleep in a port-a-potty.
00:06:25This is a three-bedroom condo overlooking the ocean.
00:06:27Forget it, Jake.
00:06:28You know I'm driving home with Sierra to visit my family.
00:06:30So tell him what I told my dad last year.
00:06:32You're gonna be stuck in the gym eight hours a day for the next two weeks in preparation for your
00:06:35appearance in the Ultimate Fighting Championship.
00:06:38That's what you told him?
00:06:39Well, sure.
00:06:40And then when he found out I really wanted to stay here and surf, he was so relieved he didn't
00:06:43argue.
00:06:44But I wanna go home.
00:06:46I want a traditional Christmas with snow and stockings and eggnog and carolers.
00:06:51I just thought we could have some fun this Christmas.
00:06:54No, you just thought that you could have some fun.
00:06:56But what about everybody else?
00:06:58My mom and dad would be crushed if I didn't come home.
00:07:01And what about your dad? And your sister and Carolyn?
00:07:04You know, bringing up my dad's new wife just drains me of all my Christmas spirit.
00:07:09Look, all I'm saying is don't you think it's about time you went home?
00:07:14Hey there. Looking good today.
00:07:17Thanks, Eddie. You're looking nice today, too.
00:07:20I'm not talking to you, Wilkinson.
00:07:23Hey, Allie, what kind of perfume are you wearing today?
00:07:25Excuse me?
00:07:26I guess I got three words for you.
00:07:28New, car, smell, and it would smell so good on you.
00:07:31Why don't you come in here and check it out, baby?
00:07:33Eddie, I got one word for you.
00:07:36Beamer.
00:07:39Stand away from the vehicle.
00:07:41You've got to be kidding me.
00:07:44Stand away from the vehicle.
00:07:46You are too close to the vehicle.
00:07:49Stand away from the vehicle.
00:07:52So it's Disco Inferno night at the Viper Room, right?
00:07:55And it's me and the Murph Man and the Ed Man and the Ken Man, right?
00:07:59And we were waiting in line for like half the night, right?
00:08:01And the bouncer, he finally gives us the nod.
00:08:04So we go over there and debut our brand new IDs.
00:08:08And the dude goes, buh-bye.
00:08:11And no one, no one says buh-bye to the Brant Man.
00:08:16Fellas, fellas, fellas, what can I say?
00:08:18Hey, my subcontractor's been slacking off, but I want to make this up to you.
00:08:22I have a foolproof method that'll guarantee you ace your history, finally.
00:08:27But if you'd rather see your grades crash and burn, it's up to you.
00:08:34No cost, right?
00:08:36Of course there's no cost for the answers.
00:08:38I couldn't do that to you guys. You guys are my buds.
00:08:41However, there is a nominal fee for the Viper rental.
00:08:51Wilkinson residence.
00:08:53Oh, I'm sorry. He can't come to the phone right now.
00:08:56He's busy accessorizing.
00:08:58Oh, okay. Jake, it's your dad.
00:09:03See ya.
00:09:11Dad, hey. How are things at the office?
00:09:14Fine. We're all off for the holidays.
00:09:16I sent everybody home at noon today.
00:09:18Great. Getting ready for ski season?
00:09:20Yeah, I just got my bindings fixed.
00:09:22Look, Jake, I'm calling to find out about you.
00:09:24Are you, uh, still planning on coming home for Christmas?
00:09:28Gosh, you know, I'd like to, but I gotta stick around campus
00:09:31and finish up that extra credit lab work.
00:09:33Because I got a call from my travel agent.
00:09:35He says that the ticket I sent you was cashed in for two tickets to Cabo San Lucas.
00:09:39He says somebody sabotaged his computer file.
00:09:43What kind of a world are we living in?
00:09:46Is the convenience of technology worth the loss of our privacy?
00:09:49Who would do such a thing? Where will it end, Dad?
00:09:52Look, I agreed to let you go off to school in California,
00:09:54but you haven't been home for the holidays since Mom died.
00:09:58I think it's time that we become a family again.
00:10:02Dad, Dad, Dad. If you were 18 years old, where would you rather be for Christmas?
00:10:06At home with your family or in Cabo on the beach with a beautiful girl?
00:10:11Allie's parents say she's coming home just like always.
00:10:15I just really want you home, son.
00:10:18Me, too.
00:10:19Ask this Carolyn.
00:10:20No.
00:10:21And Tracy. We all want you home.
00:10:24Well, I just don't think I can get there.
00:10:28Not even if I, uh, give you the Porsche?
00:10:33Excuse me?
00:10:36The Porsche?
00:10:38The 1957 Porsche?
00:10:40The same 1957 Porsche that we rebuilt by hand together with the Kid Glove interiors and the original paint?
00:10:45The 1957 Porsche?
00:10:48I'll tell you what.
00:10:49If you're home by the time we sit down to dinner, 6 o'clock, Christmas Eve, the car's yours.
00:10:556 o'clock, not one minute past. You understand?
00:10:57Yes, sir.
00:10:58We'll see you then.
00:11:00Great. Bye.
00:11:03You are mine.
00:11:06All mine.
00:11:09Okay. Uh, he cashes in the tickets and you offer him a bribe.
00:11:15Do you see anything wrong with this picture?
00:11:17Yeah. Yeah, I do. But...
00:11:20But what?
00:11:22Jake's coming home for Christmas.
00:11:29Okay, I gotta go back, you guys. I'll see you in an hour.
00:11:32Okay, okay. Bye.
00:11:37Nice try, but no chance.
00:11:39Hmm. Must be defective.
00:11:41You know, I estimated it'd be another five hours till you tried to make up.
00:11:45Huh. That's funny.
00:11:46Because I estimate that it takes five hours to fly to Larchmont, New York.
00:11:51I thought you cashed your ticket in for Cabo.
00:11:53I cashed it back in for two tickets to New York.
00:11:56Will you please accept my apology and come home with me for Christmas?
00:12:04You're unbelievable.
00:12:05Tell me about it. Ripley's doing a special on me.
00:12:08So, why the sudden change of heart?
00:12:10Well, I guess you kinda got to me with all that sentimental family stuff.
00:12:14Oh, well, I'm glad to see you're coming around.
00:12:16Hey, if you don't have family, what do you have, right?
00:12:19So you wanna come over and help me pack?
00:12:25No, I can. I gotta go tutor some jocks.
00:12:28Oh, you're such a compassionate man.
00:12:30I am a giver.
00:12:32Pick you up tomorrow morning, eight o'clock.
00:12:34Okay.
00:12:41This better work.
00:12:47Run.
00:12:56Look out, look out!
00:12:57Hey!
00:13:04What's taking him so long?
00:13:10I'm sorry, Ms. Peterson.
00:13:12Coach likes to stay in touch.
00:13:32I'm sorry, Ms. Peterson.
00:14:01When you're driving a Porsche, it's like you have a relationship with it.
00:14:04Like it knows you, and it's listening, and just responding.
00:14:07That is so true.
00:14:09And downshifting? You don't know what downshifting can do to downshift it in a porch.
00:14:13You are a lucky man, Wilkinson.
00:14:15That is so true.
00:14:18So, uh, Jake, are you feeling lucky?
00:14:20I'm instantly.
00:14:21Well, I think that's all about to change.
00:14:27Something wrong, fellas?
00:14:29You think you're some kind of wise guy, right?
00:14:31You think it's real funny to make us look like morons, right?
00:14:33What are you talking about?
00:14:35The beepers, dipstick.
00:14:37Ian, where's Ian?
00:14:39Twelve!
00:14:40Thirty-two!
00:14:41Fourteen!
00:14:42Oh, man!
00:14:45Look, I'm sure there's some explanation for this.
00:14:47Let me make a couple phone calls.
00:14:48No, I think we're done explaining.
00:14:52Boys?
00:14:53Come on, guys.
00:14:55Fellas, fellas.
00:15:02All right, see you guys later.
00:15:03Have a good break.
00:15:04See you.
00:15:05Yeah.
00:15:08All right, Jake, where are you?
00:15:21I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
00:15:44Oh, God.
00:15:46Wish I were dead.
00:15:50I said I wished I were dead.
00:15:58What the?
00:16:05Let's see you sweet talk your way out of this one.
00:16:07Eddie and the boys.
00:16:09It's the last time I do business with those guys.
00:16:13Go on, get out of here.
00:16:18Ow!
00:16:20You glued it on, didn't you, you jerks?
00:16:25The hat, too?
00:16:27This is not acceptable!
00:16:29This is not acceptable!
00:16:42Sit.
00:16:43Roll over.
00:16:45Die.
00:16:53Hey, it's Jake.
00:16:54You found me.
00:16:56Idiot!
00:16:58Who's an idiot?
00:16:59I am.
00:17:00Jake Flaked, huh?
00:17:02What a surprise.
00:17:04Well, lucky for you, the Ed Man's here to the rescue,
00:17:07so what do you say we blow this popsicle stand
00:17:09because I got butt warmers in the seats?
00:17:11You're loving this, aren't you?
00:17:14Pretty much, yeah.
00:17:17Okay, let's go.
00:17:18All right!
00:17:19Oh, no, no, no, no, allow me.
00:17:21I got it, I got it.
00:17:23The ultimate in irony.
00:17:2517 Academy kids are driving back east this winter,
00:17:28and I get a ride with you.
00:17:29Just the two, just the two of us riding the crest of destiny's rainbow,
00:17:34sharing, caring, pair for the ages.
00:17:39Okay, hold on, first, the ground rules.
00:17:42If you say too many stupid things like that, I'll have to slug you.
00:17:45If you say anything nasty about Jake, I'll have to slug you.
00:17:48If you try to feel me up, I'll have to slug you.
00:17:51If you make me listen to any sexist, racist, or homophobic jokes, I'm going to have to slug you.
00:17:58And finally, I might just have to slug you from time to time simply because I find the prospect of
00:18:02driving across the country with you incredibly stressful!
00:18:06All right, sounds like a party to me.
00:18:11So, uh, what should we listen to?
00:18:13Jewel, Sarah, Fiona?
00:18:15I'm in a sensitive mood, aren't you?
00:18:17Cut the crap, Eddie.
00:18:18I'm already in the car.
00:18:19All right, let's burn this baby.
00:18:21New York, go!
00:18:31They'll be singing
00:18:33Gonna be singing
00:18:36Christmas carols
00:18:39By the old charell
00:18:43Celebrating
00:18:44Hungry-cating
00:18:46And exchanging greetings
00:18:49By the old charell
00:18:52There'll be lots of little children
00:18:56And how big their eyes will be
00:18:58So they see what Santa left around the tree
00:19:02They'll be merry
00:19:06Singing those merry
00:19:08Christmas carols
00:19:11By the old charell
00:19:16Hey, it's Allie. You got the machine. You know the re-
00:19:19Allie, it's me. Listen, I am so so-
00:19:29Hey, it's Allie.
00:19:30Desert Santa Buzzer Tumbleweed
00:19:33This totally sucks
00:19:36You got a mean disposition for a Santa
00:19:39I need to make another phone call
00:19:42Long distance?
00:19:44What from here
00:19:46Is not long distance?
00:19:58Hello?
00:19:59Tracy, it's Jake
00:20:00Oh, hi. Where are you?
00:20:03I'm in the middle of nowhere
00:20:04Dressed like Santa Claus
00:20:06Being attacked by a killer Tumbleweed
00:20:07Cool
00:20:08Get me, Dad
00:20:09When did I become your slave?
00:20:11The day you were born
00:20:14Oh, right
00:20:16Oh, Dad
00:20:18It's the prodigal son
00:20:21Hello?
00:20:23Hello, Father
00:20:23Dad
00:20:25Jake, you sound funny
00:20:26Are you at the airport?
00:20:28Well, I've had some setbacks
00:20:30But if you wire me some money
00:20:31I'll make it home for Christmas
00:20:33Just what kind of a bind are you in, Jake?
00:20:35He's in the middle of nowhere
00:20:37Dressed as Santa Claus
00:20:38Being attacked by a killer bumblebee
00:20:40That's Tumbleweed
00:20:41Otherwise, it's just like she said
00:20:43That is the worst alibi
00:20:45In a long line of bad alibis, Jake
00:20:47But it's all true
00:20:48That's what you always say
00:20:50I know, but I really need your help
00:20:52If I'm going to make it home on time
00:20:53Now, look, we had a deal
00:20:55It is up to you to get yourself home
00:20:57On Christmas Eve
00:20:58Or you can forget about the Porsche
00:21:00Dad?
00:21:05Excuse me
00:21:06I couldn't help overhearing
00:21:08You're trying to get home for Christmas
00:21:10And your father won't help you
00:21:12Oh, it's not that
00:21:14It's just
00:21:19He's so worried about the operation
00:21:21He's not thinking clearly
00:21:24Operation?
00:21:26Yeah
00:21:26The whole family chipped in
00:21:29And got him a triple bypass for Christmas
00:21:31I sent home every last dollar
00:21:33I earned working as a shopping mall Santa
00:21:36The operation's on Christmas Eve
00:21:39And now I won't be home
00:21:40Until after the anesthesia wears off
00:21:44Oh, dear
00:21:47You know
00:21:48Me and the girls are driving to Vegas
00:21:51To see Tom Jones
00:21:52We're Tom Tom girls
00:21:54You want to ride with us?
00:21:57Do you have What's New Pussycat?
00:21:59Do we have What's New Pussycat?
00:22:03What's New Pussycat?
00:22:04Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
00:22:07What's New Pussycat?
00:22:09Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
00:22:13Could, uh, we crack open a window?
00:22:16You think it's funny how easily old people can catch pneumonia?
00:22:20You think that's a joke?
00:22:22Ha, ha, ha
00:22:22No
00:22:23It's just
00:22:24I had a hard night
00:22:25And I'm not feeling so well
00:22:27Hey, get out of there
00:22:29Aw
00:22:31Darlene
00:22:32Mama's teeth have fallen out of her mouth again
00:22:35Just wedge them back in, dear
00:22:38Okay, Santa Claus
00:22:39Make yourself useful
00:22:41And just put those right back in her mouth
00:22:43Uh, Gertens, anyone?
00:22:47Oh
00:22:47Oh, for Pete's sake
00:22:50Oh, well, that's lovely
00:22:52What happened?
00:22:54Santa just yammied in your handbag
00:22:57There he goes again
00:22:59Well, stop him
00:23:00Okay, here, Santa
00:23:02Santa, get up
00:23:07Did I hurt you, Santa?
00:23:10Good
00:23:11All right, Buster
00:23:12Out you get
00:23:14Out you get
00:23:15Out
00:23:16Get out of here
00:23:17Get out of here
00:23:19You
00:23:19And take your beard with you
00:23:22Oh, never heard of such a
00:23:24Imagine yammeing in my sister's handbag
00:23:36There you go, there's five
00:23:37Thank you
00:23:39Desert, Santa, Buzzard, Tumbleweed
00:23:42Desert, Santa, Buzzard, Tumbleweed
00:23:45Oh, oh, oh, I love this game
00:23:46Pick which word is not like the others
00:23:48Uh, Santa
00:23:50No, idiot
00:23:50It's a message Jake left on my machine
00:23:54Wow
00:23:56Bizarre, huh?
00:23:57Yeah
00:24:01Thanks
00:24:10Allie
00:24:14Eddie
00:24:15Eddie
00:24:18Eddie
00:24:26My god
00:24:28Allie
00:24:31What's wrong with you?
00:24:32Uh, we gotta go
00:24:34We're just
00:24:34Way behind schedule
00:24:37Allie, wait
00:24:39Allie
00:24:41Stop
00:24:44Wait
00:24:53I'll have a blue Christmas
00:24:59Without you
00:25:03I'll be so blue
00:25:06Just thinking
00:25:09About you
00:25:15Decoration
00:25:17Red
00:25:19On a green
00:25:23Christmas tree
00:25:24It won't
00:25:28Mean a thing
00:25:36This is the worst day of my life
00:25:40Snowflakes
00:25:41And it just got worse
00:25:42Falling
00:25:45That's when those blue
00:25:49Memories
00:25:51Start calling
00:25:56You'll be doing
00:25:58All right
00:26:02With your Christmas
00:26:03Or white
00:26:07But I'll have
00:26:08A blue
00:26:10Blue, blue
00:26:13Christmas
00:26:17Ooh
00:26:22But I'll have
00:26:24Hey, a blue
00:26:26Blue, blue
00:26:28Christmas
00:26:32Ho, ho, ho
00:26:33Dubby
00:26:34Secret fat man
00:26:35Handshake
00:26:36All right
00:26:38You know
00:26:39Confidentially speaking
00:26:40Just between us
00:26:41Santas
00:26:42Don't you ever
00:26:42Get tired of
00:26:43Wearing this suit
00:26:44I mean
00:26:44Every year
00:26:45It's the same suit
00:26:45Red, red, red, red, red
00:26:47I mean
00:26:48Does any guy
00:26:48Really look good in red
00:26:49I don't think so
00:26:53Got room on the sled
00:26:54For two
00:26:56Thanks
00:26:57I really appreciate it
00:26:58You're a pal
00:27:00You're a pal
00:27:01You're a pal
00:27:10No
00:27:16You're a pal
00:27:18You're a pal
00:27:20You're a pal
00:27:28No
00:27:33Whoa, you're not so cute in the morning.
00:27:35I'm kind of glad nothing happened.
00:27:38Ow, you just slugged me.
00:27:40As per our agreement.
00:27:47Wake up, chief.
00:27:48Time to feed the reindeer.
00:27:54All right, I'm going, I'm going.
00:28:18All right, I'm going.
00:28:26Hi, there.
00:28:28Yeah, Merry Christmas, you too.
00:28:31Come inside the clouds, right?
00:28:32Downside the clouds, lane?
00:28:35He's got a bag of hell.
00:28:37We'll talk for boys and girls again.
00:28:41Hear those sleigh bells jingle-jangle?
00:28:44What a beautiful sound.
00:28:48Oh, where's the hand?
00:28:50Come inside the clouds, downside the clouds.
00:28:52Bang!
00:28:52Come inside the clouds.
00:28:55Come inside the clouds.
00:28:56Come inside the clouds.
00:28:58Come inside the clouds.
00:28:59Come inside the clouds.
00:29:00Come around the town.
00:29:01Bring out it's Christmas morn again.
00:29:05Peace on earth, who comes to all.
00:29:08We'll follow the light.
00:29:11Good.
00:29:11Hey, Plastic.
00:29:13Come inside the clouds.
00:29:16Good.
00:29:18Come inside the clouds.
00:29:20Come inside the clouds.
00:29:24Good.
00:29:25Good.
00:29:25Oh, man. I went and killed Santa.
00:29:33Oh, no. Santa?
00:29:39Santa?
00:29:40Oh, thank God.
00:29:52Hang on, Santa. I'm coming.
00:29:55I'm coming. I'm coming. I'm coming.
00:29:58Hold on. Hold on.
00:30:03Am I alive?
00:30:05Sir, I have never been happy to answer that question in my life.
00:30:09Yes, you are alive.
00:30:12You been asked that question before?
00:30:14Oh, maybe 10, 12 times.
00:30:32I'm coming.
00:30:35I'm coming.
00:30:38I'm coming.
00:30:40I'm coming.
00:30:41I love world music.
00:30:42I think Freon should be banned.
00:30:44You know, I'm all about yoga and macrobiotic food.
00:30:46I mean, I'm in touch with my inner child, for God's sake.
00:30:49Is the question coming before Ohio?
00:30:51Yeah, well, what I'm getting at is, what does Jake have that I haven't got?
00:30:58It's the stuff he comes up with.
00:31:01Funny things.
00:31:03Amazing things.
00:31:04Things that just give me the chills.
00:31:06Yeah, give me an example of one of these chills things, huh?
00:31:10Okay.
00:31:13Okay, there was this one time I was feeling really bad.
00:31:15It was just a really down day.
00:31:17And Jake took my hand in his, and being really sweet, he said,
00:31:23Not even the rain has such small hands.
00:31:27What a nerd!
00:31:32It's E.E. Cummings.
00:31:34Huh?
00:31:36Poetry, Eddie?
00:31:38And that gave you chills?
00:31:41You wouldn't understand.
00:31:45Allie?
00:31:46What?
00:31:49Not even the corn had such big ears.
00:31:52Oh, that's beautiful.
00:31:54I'm really moved, Eddie.
00:31:55Oh, look.
00:31:56Because if it's poetry you want, I got it, baby.
00:31:59There once was a man from Nantucket.
00:32:01Just drive the car, Eddie.
00:32:09Man, oh man, I was sure you were a goner.
00:32:12Nolan, it's been two hours.
00:32:14I can't have this conversation with you anymore.
00:32:16What conversation?
00:32:18The one where you go, you were sure I was a goner.
00:32:20And I go, yeah, that was really a close one.
00:32:22Oh, okay.
00:32:28Hey, that's a Pathfinder, catch up with them.
00:32:30Who's them?
00:32:31My girlfriend.
00:32:33No kidding?
00:32:33All the way out here?
00:32:36Wait a minute.
00:32:37Are you saying that's Mrs. Claus in that car with another guy?
00:32:41Mrs. Claus stepping out on Santa and letting some other guy down the chimney?
00:32:46Why that two time and ho?
00:32:48Uh, Nolan reality check?
00:32:51You say no more Santa, I'm after it.
00:33:02No one, I said catch them, try not to kill us.
00:33:05All right, all right.
00:33:08No one, there's a cop behind us with his lights on, slow down.
00:33:12Oh, man.
00:33:13Cops make me nervous.
00:33:15I'm gonna make a run for it.
00:33:16What are you, nuts?
00:33:17Look, my daddy always said, it's better to go out in a blaze of glory than to rot in a
00:33:21state correctional facility.
00:33:25Let me guess, you're about to tell me the stuff in the back is stolen, right?
00:33:30I won't if you don't want me to.
00:33:33Stop the car, Nolan.
00:33:35Stop the?
00:33:36Stop the car.
00:33:43All right, come on Jake, think, think, think, think, think.
00:33:46I know.
00:33:47Put this on, act like my elf.
00:33:49Uh, all right, all right.
00:33:51How do elves act?
00:33:52I don't know.
00:33:54Happy.
00:33:55Happy.
00:34:07Merry Christmas, officer.
00:34:08Problem?
00:34:10You in a bit of a hurry, aren't you?
00:34:12Well, that's my fault.
00:34:13Busy time of year for me.
00:34:15Ho, ho, ho.
00:34:16I'm an elf.
00:34:18So it seems.
00:34:19Do you realize you were going 79 in a 65 mile per hour zone?
00:34:23You should try catching me in my sleigh.
00:34:26Ho, ho, ho.
00:34:28You see, officer, my elf Snowpuff and I are heading to the children's hospital in the next town.
00:34:33You mean Redcliffe?
00:34:35Yeah, Redcliffe, exactly.
00:34:36To distribute toys to the youngsters.
00:34:39You know, I'm sorry if in my haste I sped up a bit, but every second counts to a bedridden
00:34:43child.
00:34:46All right.
00:34:47I tell you what.
00:34:48No more speeding.
00:34:50Okay, Santa?
00:34:5165, stay alive.
00:34:53Merry Christmas.
00:34:55Thank you, officer.
00:34:57And that is how the big boys do it.
00:35:00You know what?
00:35:02My shift ends in a few minutes.
00:35:04Why don't you follow me?
00:35:05I'll get you there in no time.
00:35:09So that's how the big boys do it?
00:35:12Shut up, Nolan.
00:35:22So close, yet so far.
00:35:33Please stay in the car.
00:35:34Please stay in the car.
00:35:35Please stay in the car.
00:35:36Oh, man.
00:35:38I guess he couldn't hear you.
00:35:46Hey, thank you, officer.
00:35:47Say, do you all mind if I go in there with you?
00:35:50I kind of like to see the kids' faces, you know, when you give them their gifts.
00:35:54The more, the merrier.
00:35:58And do you want a pony and a Barbie dream house and light bright deluxe and...
00:36:02Now, that's all great stuff, but Santa's gonna give you something even better.
00:36:06A KitchenAid Classic Plus toaster with exclusive AccuToast sensor for consistent toasting time after time.
00:36:13Now, sweetie, this toaster is extra wide so you can get four bagels in there instead of the usual two.
00:36:19Okay, thank you, Santa.
00:36:20You're welcome.
00:36:21But, Santa, this toaster was already promised to a little cowpoke named Nolan.
00:36:29Hand it over to the kids' snowpuff.
00:36:35All right, let's get this line moving.
00:36:37Who's next?
00:36:39All righty.
00:36:40And what do you want for Christmas?
00:36:43And finally...
00:36:44Ho, ho, ho.
00:36:47Merry Christmas.
00:36:48And what's your name, little boy?
00:36:50Esteban.
00:36:51Esteban.
00:36:52All right, let's see what we have here today for Esteban.
00:36:58Look at this.
00:37:00A Eureka Boss Cordless Rechargeable Vacuum Cleaner.
00:37:03No, thank you.
00:37:07Well, uh, I don't know what else I have here for you, buddy.
00:37:11What do you want for Christmas?
00:37:13To go home.
00:37:18I want to be with mi mamá, mi papá, mi hermana Maribel, mi hermano Mario, tío Carlos y mi tío
00:37:27Ramón, tía Cristina, tía María, grandmothers and grandfathers and my dog, Sorito, and have Christmas tree and lights and angels
00:37:40and Christmas cookies.
00:37:42With little red and green sprinkles on top and plum pudding and Christmas carols and...
00:37:49Oh, sugar doll, I miss you so much. I don't want to offend stolen goods no more. I just want
00:37:54to beg you to come home for Christmas.
00:37:56Please, Marjorie, you know I didn't mean to hurt you. I don't know how I'm gonna get through the holidays
00:38:00without you.
00:38:00I just need to talk to my dad or Tracy. Are either of them there?
00:38:06Oh, gee, your dad and Tracy went to the mall. It's just me holding down the fort.
00:38:11Uh-huh.
00:38:13We are all so excited you're coming home. We've got the tree all set up. It looks great.
00:38:19And I've just been shopping and cooking and cooking and shopping. Speaking of which, your sweater size. Are you a...
00:38:27you're a 38, right?
00:38:29Yeah, I guess.
00:38:31Where are you now? Are you on your way home?
00:38:34Yeah, look, I gotta run. So, uh, you take care now. Okay?
00:38:39Okay.
00:38:40Bye.
00:38:41Bye.
00:38:54I gotta tell you, Santa, sir, although I've only been your elf for a very short time, I feel like
00:38:59a new man. Changed.
00:39:01Do I look changed to you?
00:39:06Well, maybe you've changed on the inside where it counts.
00:39:09Yeah, that's it. I've changed on the inside and I'm going home for Christmas.
00:39:15Home? I thought you were going east.
00:39:17Nope, back the other way.
00:39:18But, Nolan, I saved your buck back down the road. Don't you think you owe me something?
00:39:23Uh, yes, I do.
00:39:28Didn't mean to leave you hanging, buddy.
00:39:30Oh!
00:39:32Merry Christmas!
00:39:36What?
00:39:36Can I have a word with you?
00:39:38What is it?
00:39:39Well, it's my wife, Marjorie. She left me last month.
00:39:42And, well, if I could just get her back home for Christmas, I know we could start again.
00:39:47Why are you telling me this?
00:39:48She won't listen to me. But I got a hunch she might listen to Santa.
00:39:51See, if you walked into the restaurant where she works and asked her to forgive me, I know she'd come
00:39:56home.
00:39:57She left you, right?
00:39:58Yeah.
00:39:59So, where's your dignity? Don't go crawling back to her. Let her come groveling back to you.
00:40:04Yeah, maybe you're right. Why drive all the way to Nebraska just to get slammed again?
00:40:09Wait, Nebraska? As an easter here?
00:40:12It's about a six-hour trip.
00:40:14What's the matter with you, man? You love her enough to marry her, but you won't take a little drive.
00:40:20So, Max, what'd you do that made your wife so mad that you'd take a job 300 miles away?
00:40:24Uh, I stayed out at Smitty's till three one morning.
00:40:28Doesn't seem so bad.
00:40:30With an old girlfriend.
00:40:33All right, here's the deal. If I get Marjorie to come home for Christmas, you buy me a bus ticket
00:40:37to New York.
00:40:38If you can get Marjorie to come home for Christmas, I'll buy you a bus ticket to the moon.
00:40:44All right.
00:40:48Hey.
00:40:48Hey.
00:40:49Looking good.
00:40:50Yeah.
00:40:51I got kind of a weird call from Jake while you were out.
00:40:54He didn't say where he was calling from, but I'm pretty sure he's on the road.
00:40:58I hope he's gonna make it okay.
00:41:00There is not an obstacle in this world that will keep my son from this car.
00:41:05Oh, my God! There's a scratch! There's a scratch!
00:41:07Where? Where?
00:41:08Get a wife, Dad.
00:41:14See ya.
00:41:14See ya.
00:41:19Uh...
00:41:20Well...
00:41:22She's ready for you, son.
00:41:25Wherever you are.
00:41:35There she is, right there.
00:41:37Isn't she the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?
00:41:41Yeah, no doubt. So what do you want me to tell her?
00:41:43That if she doesn't come home, I'll die.
00:41:48Good. Die!
00:41:49Now, don't you think you're being a little bit harsh now, Marjorie?
00:41:52Harsh? After he kissed that tramp in front of everybody at Smitty's?
00:41:57Well, you know, I'm sure it was a friendly kiss, right? Like brother-sister.
00:42:00There was tongue.
00:42:02There was not!
00:42:04There was too, you big pig!
00:42:06Everybody saw it!
00:42:07Marjorie, it wasn't me kissing her. It was the Eggermeister!
00:42:12We made a commitment, Max, to honor and obey for better or for worse.
00:42:17Okay, this is worse.
00:42:19Ugh! He really burns my biscuits.
00:42:21Let me handle this one, okay, Max?
00:42:25Don't you think you should give Max another chance?
00:42:27I mean, maybe this is all just a misunderstanding.
00:42:29He kissed her. How do you misunderstand that?
00:42:32Well, I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you.
00:42:35You know, it's just like this other couple I know.
00:42:37We're all upset about a misunderstanding.
00:42:39Oh, yeah? What's wrong with them?
00:42:40Well, they had a trip planned to go back east, and he canceled last minute
00:42:43because he wanted to take her to Cabo San Lucas for Christmas instead.
00:42:46But she thought he was being selfish, which was a misunderstanding.
00:42:50No, it wasn't. He sounds like a jerk.
00:42:51No, he's not.
00:42:53I mean, if she had understood, she would have realized
00:42:55that the guy's got a stepmother that he doesn't like very much.
00:42:57Well, what's wrong with the stepmother?
00:42:59Well, the dad married her only ten months after his wife died.
00:43:02She must be a babe.
00:43:04Why is this guy mad at the stepmother? It's not her fault.
00:43:07Don't you think ten months is a little soon?
00:43:09No, she's a babe.
00:43:12Look, what does any of this have to do with me and Max?
00:43:16Misunderstandings can be overcome if both people just try.
00:43:20Look, right now Max is sitting out there with a broken heart, and all he's asking for is a second
00:43:25chance.
00:43:26Just give him another shot.
00:43:30Hey, Marge.
00:43:32Sounds about a topper on this coffee.
00:43:35You know what? I've got a job to do.
00:43:44How'd it go?
00:43:45Well, you know what a swirly is?
00:43:47You mean when somebody jams your head in a toilet bowl and flushes it?
00:43:50Yeah, it was pretty much like that.
00:43:51Oh, man.
00:43:52Now get in there. Say something romantic.
00:43:55Huh?
00:43:56Something apologetic?
00:43:59Something in English!
00:44:02Here's us!
00:44:03All right already!
00:44:14I got an idea.
00:44:28Oh, Marjorie, oh, Marjorie, I need to have you home.
00:44:41Oh, Marjorie, oh, Marjorie, I need to have you home.
00:44:53I'm sorry I was such an insensitive jerk that night.
00:45:01I hope that singing this song will make everything all right.
00:45:09You're not the only one.
00:45:11Oh, Marjorie, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby.
00:45:23I'll make it up to you on the velvet skirt of the Christmas tree.
00:45:35Ah!
00:45:36Say you're my wife.
00:45:39I'd give my life.
00:45:44Ah!
00:45:46If you just come home
00:45:57Now on your knees!
00:45:59Now on your knees!
00:46:01No, we don't sing it!
00:46:08Marjorie, I'm so sorry, baby.
00:46:11Won't you please?
00:46:29Here's your ticket. Your bus will be here in ten minutes.
00:46:33Thanks. Thank you.
00:46:40Well, see ya.
00:46:42Hey, Santa.
00:46:43Yeah.
00:46:44Yeah.
00:46:44I, uh, I hope that other couple, you know, works through their misunderstandings.
00:46:51Me too.
00:46:55What other couple?
00:46:57No, it doesn't matter.
00:46:59It's just you and me, baby.
00:47:08You know what I've always wondered?
00:47:10What?
00:47:12Out of all the planets in the universe, how is it that this is the only one that spawned intelligent
00:47:18life?
00:47:20Yeah.
00:47:22You know what I always wonder about?
00:47:24What's that?
00:47:25How come more breakfast joints don't serve your food right in the skillet?
00:47:29Like Denny's.
00:47:30I mean, think about it.
00:47:30They give you your meat, your eggs, your spuds right in the pan.
00:47:33Man, that rocks!
00:47:34Or like when a homeless guy, he comes up to you and he says he's the messiah.
00:47:37And then he asks you for money and you're just like, you know, you just want to walk away.
00:47:40But then you think to yourself, what happens if he is the messiah?
00:47:43And I'm just blowing the dude off.
00:47:47Think about it.
00:47:49I take back what I said about intelligent life on Earth.
00:47:56Hey, look at that!
00:47:58Ugh.
00:48:00Velveeta, come on now.
00:48:02That's why we have to stay there.
00:48:04Come on, where would you rather go?
00:48:06Another dumpy motel or a fake Bavarian village in the middle of nowhere?
00:48:11I don't think it's very Eddie.
00:48:13Well, I think it's totally Eddie.
00:48:15It's completely cheesy and trying to be cool.
00:48:19When are you going to stop being mean to the Ed Man, huh?
00:48:22When do you stop referring to yourself in the third person?
00:48:39Maybe I should just go with it.
00:48:50Hey.
00:48:52Hey.
00:48:53Check this out.
00:48:54Tell me what's better.
00:48:56Ho, ho, ho.
00:48:57Merry Christmas.
00:48:59Ho, ho, ho.
00:49:00Merry Christmas.
00:49:02Ho, ho, ho.
00:49:03Merry Christmas.
00:49:06Well, the first one's good for really little kids, like my sister, who's three.
00:49:12And the second one's good for big kids, like my friends and me.
00:49:15And the third one's good if you want to scare people and watch them run away screaming.
00:49:21Okay, cool.
00:49:23Thanks.
00:49:24Whatever.
00:49:48Come on!
00:49:53Well, look at that.
00:49:55The clock man is sexually harassing the clock lady.
00:49:58How typical.
00:50:00Uh, don't witness it.
00:50:01You might have to testify.
00:50:04Wow, Eddie.
00:50:05That was actually clever.
00:50:07Hey, I'm a witty guy.
00:50:08I mean, you think this astonishing physique is all the Ed Man has to offer, huh?
00:50:13Well, take this, Ed Man.
00:50:17Oh, my God.
00:50:17You're dead.
00:50:18You're so dead.
00:50:19You're gonna get it.
00:50:19So dead.
00:50:20Oh, my God.
00:50:25This is Wendy Richards reporting live from Adelbrook, Iowa, site of the Strudelstrasen and world-famous
00:50:30human clock.
00:50:31Now, the temperature outside stands at 31 degrees, but, of course, the temperature's always a little
00:50:36bit warmer underneath the mistletoe arch, and, uh, here's a couple now.
00:50:40I hope you kids know where you're standing.
00:50:48I'll kill him.
00:50:49Your attention, please.
00:50:50Bus 33 to New York is now boarding.
00:50:52All passengers with tickets, please.
00:50:55I think you just stopped being mean to me.
00:51:17Excuse me.
00:51:18Conway?
00:51:18Get behind the yellow line.
00:51:20Hey, just a second.
00:51:20I need to ask you a favor.
00:51:21Just get behind the yellow line.
00:51:23Hey, I realize you're on a schedule, but it being the holidays and all.
00:51:26I wonder if you wouldn't mind taking a small detour to Adelbrook.
00:51:28I think everyone would really enjoy it.
00:51:30But I wouldn't.
00:51:32Well, what if we...
00:51:33No.
00:51:33How about we...
00:51:34No.
00:51:34But...
00:51:35No.
00:51:36Got it.
00:51:41That is very good.
00:51:43Look at that.
00:51:45Here.
00:51:46Why don't you try using the yellow line?
00:52:02Sorry we only had one room left tonight.
00:52:04It being Christmas and all.
00:52:06But, uh...
00:52:06I think you'll find it's very special.
00:52:12Feel coming to your honeymoon suite.
00:52:35Is this yours?
00:52:37Hm?
00:52:38No.
00:52:39Not yours either.
00:52:41Whose is it?
00:52:44Human liver?
00:52:47Organ donation?
00:52:48Oh, my God!
00:52:49We've got a live liver here!
00:52:51It says, deliver to Ali Henderson in Adelbrook, ASAP.
00:52:54Think it's real?
00:52:55Let's take a look.
00:52:57Oh, we move!
00:52:58We need to get to Adelbrook!
00:53:01Okay, everybody sit down!
00:53:04What the hell is wrong with you, man?
00:53:06Dude, get behind the yellow line!
00:53:07Don't give me your lip!
00:53:08I don't believe you, man.
00:53:10There's a little girl in Adelbrook that needs a liver transplant.
00:53:14We've got a schedule to keep!
00:53:15Schedule Schmedule!
00:53:16Shame on you!
00:53:17This isn't about schedules, man!
00:53:19It's the gift of life!
00:53:21The greatest Christmas gift ever!
00:53:23And we've even got Santa to bring it to her!
00:53:25This is a non-stop bus to New York!
00:53:27This is happening for a reason!
00:53:29We were put on this bus to take this organ to Adelbrook!
00:53:33Adelbrook!
00:53:35Adelbrook!
00:53:36Adelbrook!
00:53:37Adelbrook!
00:53:37Okay!
00:53:38You think I don't care about that little girl?
00:53:41Well, you're wrong!
00:53:42We're going to Adelbrook, all right, but because I say we are!
00:53:46Hey, hey, hey!
00:53:48Now, everybody behind the yellow line and sit down!
00:53:56It's funny, Eddie.
00:53:58I never thought I'd end up sleeping in the same bed with you, and yet, somehow, with
00:54:03you here, I feel safe.
00:54:06You want me to put on any more clothes?
00:54:08Nah, that should be fine.
00:54:10Good night, Addy.
00:54:11Good night.
00:54:23I'm giving you 10 minutes!
00:54:25You fired that girl, Santa!
00:54:27Go, Santa!
00:54:28Go, Santa!
00:54:29Go, Santa!
00:54:30Go, Santa!
00:54:30Go, Santa!
00:54:30Go, Santa!
00:54:30Go!
00:54:31Go, Santa!
00:54:31Go, Santa!
00:54:31Everybody, sit down!
00:54:33...
00:54:47Hi. Can you tell me if there's an Ali Henderson or an Eddie Taffet checked in here?
00:54:51I'm sorry, Santa. I'm not allowed to give out information on our guests.
00:54:54Listen, ma'am, I have a full plate of activities tonight.
00:54:56Not to mention a pesky Grinch who has kidnapped Mrs. Claus in an attempt to make my life miserable.
00:55:01I'm sorry, Santa, but that's policy.
00:55:04Policy? Policy does not apply to me. I override policy.
00:55:08I want to know where my girlfriend is.
00:55:19I want to know where my girlfriend is.
00:55:56zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
00:56:02Where is he?
00:56:04Jake?
00:56:04What are you doing here?
00:56:07Why are you dressed like Santa Claus?
00:56:09I had to hijack a bus.
00:56:10Eddie and his buddies left me in the desert like this the other night.
00:56:14Desert Santa buzzard tumbleweed.
00:56:16So what gives with you kissing that slimy moron?
00:56:19It's not what you think.
00:56:21Jake, what are you doing here, bud?
00:56:22This love nest is full.
00:56:24Calm down, Jake.
00:56:25Nothing happened.
00:56:26Where's the trust, man?
00:56:28I saw you kissing her on TV, you dirtbag.
00:56:30He got me under the mistletoe for two seconds.
00:56:33Big deal.
00:56:33It was more like five seconds.
00:56:36And they were good.
00:56:40Foul.
00:56:41Fighting foul.
00:56:45How could you let that idiot give you a ride?
00:56:47I thought you left me high and dry.
00:56:49What was I supposed to do?
00:56:50Beam myself home?
00:56:52Allie, I was stuck in the desert.
00:56:53I couldn't get to you.
00:56:54I had no choice.
00:56:59Okay, forgive you.
00:57:08So, you still mad at me?
00:57:10Yo, if anyone should be mad here, it's me.
00:57:12Okay?
00:57:13Because I've had to listen to non-stop Natalie Merchant, Easy Cummings.
00:57:16That's E.E. Cummings.
00:57:18I have been stuck in a Santa suit for two days, biting off buzzards, dentures, and thugs in
00:57:22lederhosen.
00:57:23I'm tired, I'm hungry, I stink, and because of you, I'm not going to be home by six o'clock
00:57:27tonight.
00:57:29Why do you have to be home by six o'clock?
00:57:32What's that?
00:57:34You heard the question, why do you have to be home by six?
00:57:39Because that's when dinner will be ready?
00:57:41Ow!
00:57:42If you have even one decent chromosome in your DNA, you will not lie to me right now, Jake.
00:57:47All right.
00:57:51It's just that, if I get home by then, my dad's going to give me the Porsche.
00:57:58The Porsche.
00:57:59Allie, let me...
00:58:00Wait!
00:58:01So you didn't trade Cabo for me, you traded it for a car.
00:58:04It's not like that!
00:58:05You two deserve each other.
00:58:11Allie, wait.
00:58:13Will you just stop and listen to me?
00:58:15Look, if I had to do it all over again, I probably wouldn't mention the stupid car.
00:58:20What?
00:58:21I was kidding!
00:58:22You don't care about anybody but yourself.
00:58:24You're a manipulator and a liar.
00:58:26I am not a liar.
00:58:27Hey, wait a minute.
00:58:28You're the girl who needs the transplant?
00:58:30Is that what Santa told you?
00:58:33Uh-huh.
00:58:35Right.
00:58:36I'm taking his place on the bus.
00:58:38No, wait.
00:58:38Allie, give me another chance.
00:58:40Why?
00:58:41Because I care about you.
00:58:43You gotta believe me.
00:58:45Santa, if you showed up on my doorstep in a one-horse open sleigh, I wouldn't believe you.
00:58:50Allie, I'm sorry.
00:58:52You know, I can't take fake remorse from a fake Santa making fake apologies.
00:58:56You might be a fake boyfriend, Jake, but I'll tell you one thing.
00:59:00You're a genuine butthole.
00:59:05Bye, Santa.
00:59:26I got a road.
00:59:28The one I love is gone.
00:59:31I got a road.
00:59:34Oh, man, I've seen guys get dumped before, but that was nuclear.
00:59:37I mean, she wasn't even aiming at me, and I'm gonna be walking funny for like a week.
00:59:41How do girls do that?
00:59:42I don't know.
00:59:43It's like that whole chick verbal skills thing.
00:59:45It's deadly.
00:59:47Oh, man, you know what?
00:59:48I gotta tell you, bro, I would have never thought I'd ever help you out.
00:59:52After that massacre, man, I just wouldn't be human.
00:59:55God, I never thought I'd be driving home with you either.
00:59:57It's pretty wild.
00:59:58Oh, it sure is.
01:00:00All right, now I get home in time to get the Porsche.
01:00:02I'll drive it back to school in January, figure out how to get Allie back.
01:00:05Everything's gonna be great.
01:00:07Thanks, Edman.
01:00:10Sure.
01:00:12Sure.
01:00:13Sure.
01:00:15Sure.
01:00:15Sure.
01:00:16Sure.
01:00:17Get out.
01:00:17What?
01:00:19All that stuff you just said.
01:00:21I'm sorry, man.
01:00:22I just can't do that much good stuff for another person, you know?
01:00:26It'd be way bad for my rep.
01:00:27What are you talking about?
01:00:28I mean, what about that stuff you just said about being human, helping out another guy and
01:00:32me?
01:00:32Dude, I just took you to Wisconsin.
01:00:35Besides, what am I doing helping you out so you can get a Porsche and be cooler than me?
01:00:40Not very smart.
01:00:42Not very, Ed.
01:00:49Uh, you're, uh, gonna have to take that off first.
01:00:51Yeah, I know that.
01:01:05Father Christmas, just tell me what you want from me.
01:01:19Better hurry!
01:01:49It's called carbo loading.
01:01:51Best thing you can do before a race like this.
01:01:55Hi.
01:01:56I'd like a number, please.
01:01:57Okay.
01:01:57That'll be a $10 entrance fee.
01:01:59You know I nailed that in.
01:02:01Oh, okay.
01:02:02So we sent you a receipt.
01:02:04Yes.
01:02:05Yes, you did.
01:02:06But you see, here's the dilly.
01:02:08There was a house fire and everything got torched.
01:02:10You know, personal papers, family photos, that little clay handprint ashtray I made when
01:02:15I was three.
01:02:16Oh, tragic tale.
01:02:18I'll come to the kid.
01:02:20Hey, thanks.
01:02:21Jake Wilkinson.
01:02:22Jeff Wilson.
01:02:24Here's your hat and beard.
01:02:26You gotta have them on when you cross the finish line or you'll be disqualified.
01:02:29Here we go again.
01:02:34Can anyone in this race actually run?
01:02:37Well, Sparky Fanaloni won the state marathon ten years ago.
01:02:40That was before the two-pack-a-day habit and subsequent lung removal.
01:02:45Okay, let's go.
01:02:46Give us a run for our money.
01:02:48Kenyon?
01:02:49Yes.
01:02:51All Santas to the starting line.
01:02:54All Santas to the starting line.
01:02:58See you at the finish line.
01:02:59All right.
01:03:00Go Santas, go!
01:03:02Woo-hoo!
01:03:04Go Santas!
01:03:07Santas!
01:03:08For your mark!
01:03:12On your mark!
01:03:15Get set!
01:03:17Go Santas!
01:03:20Go Santas!
01:03:35Go Santas!
01:03:43Santa's gotta make it down
01:03:47Santa make it open down
01:03:49He can take the free way down
01:03:53Run, run Rudolph
01:03:55Cause I really like a merry-go-round
01:03:59Hey, jingle balls
01:04:00Move your candy canes
01:04:05All I want for Christmas
01:04:07Is a rock and roll electric time
01:04:11Go Santa, go!
01:04:12Run, run Rudolph
01:04:20Santa's gotta make it down
01:04:21Want a cookie?
01:04:24Santa make it open down
01:04:26He can take the free way down
01:04:32Go Santa, go Santa
01:04:44Get up, I couldn't see her
01:04:47Go! Go!
01:04:50Go!
01:04:56Well, that's the end of that
01:05:02Or not
01:05:04Here you go, easy to do
01:05:05Okay?
01:05:06Looks like it's just you and me now
01:05:08Ready to make a run for it?
01:05:10I was born ready
01:05:17Yeah
01:05:20Santa's gotta make it open up
01:05:24Santa's gotta make it open up
01:05:26Santa's gotta make it open up
01:05:29Santa's gotta make it open up
01:05:30Santa's gotta make it open up
01:05:31Santa's gotta make it open up
01:05:32Santa's gotta make it open up
01:05:32Santa's gotta make it open up
01:05:32Santa's gotta make it open up
01:05:34Santa's gotta make it open up
01:05:37Santa's gotta make it open up
01:05:40Santa Claus is coming to town
01:05:43Santa Claus is coming to town
01:06:11Congratulations
01:06:12Thanks
01:06:15Thank you very much
01:06:16Merry Christmas
01:06:18Merry Christmas
01:06:27Jake Jake thank God
01:06:29Dude they're gonna try to arrest me
01:06:30They're gonna try to arrest me
01:06:31Come down and meet me at the station
01:06:35Taxi
01:06:38Santa says take me to the airport
01:06:48One one hundred two one hundred three one hundred
01:06:56Hey there
01:06:58Hey you're the kid who beat Mayor Wilson in the Santa 5k
01:07:01Yep that's me
01:07:03Wait a minute Mayor Wilson?
01:07:05Oh you didn't know
01:07:06Well he wins every year
01:07:07A lot of us folks wish he'd won this year too
01:07:09Yeah he seemed like a good guy
01:07:11Keeps the potholes filled huh?
01:07:13Yeah he keeps the potholes filled
01:07:14He also donates his entire winnings
01:07:16Every year to buy turkeys for people who can't afford him
01:07:22He had to be the mayor
01:07:28Can you turn around please?
01:07:37I'll be right back
01:07:58I'll be right back
01:08:01Hey
01:08:02Hey
01:08:04When did Santa start using the mailbox?
01:08:06Oh didn't you hear about the new work exchange program?
01:08:10Postmates should be coming down your chimney a little later
01:08:13You got some place to go?
01:08:15Yeah it's Christmas Eve who doesn't?
01:08:20Set a place for you
01:08:22No thanks I'll be fine
01:08:26Jake
01:08:28Merry Christmas
01:08:30You too
01:08:51Yes operator it's collect from Jake
01:08:55Tracy accept the- thank you
01:08:58My my dear brother
01:08:59You are sounding slightly stressed
01:09:00Is it the bumblebees again?
01:09:02Look Tracy I'm not going to make it home
01:09:04And I want you to tell dad okay?
01:09:06What do you mean you're not going to make it home?
01:09:08Is this about Carolyn?
01:09:10No
01:09:10It's about being stuck out here in the middle of nowhere with absolutely no money
01:09:14The rate I'm going I'll show up sometime in January
01:09:17So Merry Christmas Happy New Year and I'll see you around
01:09:19Wait what about the Porsche?
01:09:22What about it?
01:09:24Wow you really must be in trouble
01:09:27Would you fly home right now if you could?
01:09:30Uh like yeah
01:09:31I've got at least four years of birthday money stashed upstairs in my ballerina bag
01:09:35If I went to a ticket agent right now and bought you a plane ticket home
01:09:39You'd make it in time for Christmas right?
01:09:41You'd do that for me?
01:09:43No I'd do it for dad
01:09:46Plus think of the incredible pleasure I'll have holding this over your head
01:09:49For the rest of our lives
01:09:51Okay fine whatever you want I'm near Madison Wisconsin
01:09:53I'll hitch a ride to the airport I'll see you soon
01:09:56Wait I don't have any idea how am I going to pick up the ticket?
01:10:00I know I'll make up a secret password to go with your reservation that only you would know
01:10:05Great what's it going to be?
01:10:06I am a smelly and revolting jerk who doesn't deserve to live and my sister is a mad cool goddess
01:10:12Bingo Wilkinson comma Jake
01:10:14It's an unusual password
01:10:16Unusual everything
01:10:17So what time's the flight leave?
01:10:19In 20 minutes I'll need to see a picture ID
01:10:21Well I just gave you my password
01:10:23That's right sir but I can't let you on the plane without proper identification
01:10:27Then what was the point of my password?
01:10:28I don't make the rules sir it's just
01:10:30Policy
01:10:31I know
01:10:32Thank you
01:10:33My passion...
01:10:35Next
01:10:35There's
01:10:39All right
01:10:42I know
01:10:47We Dad
01:11:00You're not allowed to see
01:11:03Good Ringo. Merry Christmas to you too, Ringo.
01:11:07Good Ringo.
01:11:10Bad Ringo! Bad Ringo!
01:11:21Hey! Hey, Billy! Get him!
01:11:24Get him!
01:11:25Come here!
01:11:26Get him away!
01:11:33Oh, my God!
01:11:49Excuse me.
01:11:51Excuse me.
01:12:01Merry Christmas, Santa.
01:12:03Got a ticket?
01:12:04No.
01:12:08The station is available.
01:12:10Next stop, New Rochelle, followed by Larchmont. Larchmont.
01:12:23Even a bribe couldn't get him home.
01:12:27He still has 15 minutes.
01:12:34Hey!
01:12:35Hey, hey, hey!
01:12:38Hey, lady!
01:12:39Can you give me a ride? Please?
01:12:44Hey, you gonna stay on a ride?
01:12:46Yeah.
01:12:48Will anybody take me to Larchmont?
01:13:03Hey!
01:13:03Hey!
01:13:03Hey!
01:13:04Hey!
01:13:08Hey!
01:13:10Hey!
01:13:20Hey!
01:13:23Hey, hey!
01:13:30Hey!
01:13:32Hey!
01:13:56Package people, do not unwrap yourselves.
01:14:00I repeat, do not unwrap yourselves.
01:14:03You unwrap yourself, you are out of my parade.
01:14:05Do I make myself clear?
01:14:16Hey! Hey!
01:14:17All right.
01:14:18What do you think you're doing?
01:14:19Hey! Buddy!
01:14:27I could have swore I parked that sleigh right here.
01:14:33All is fine.
01:14:38All is calm.
01:14:42All is bright.
01:14:46Round yon virgin mother and child.
01:14:52What?
01:14:53What?
01:14:55Sorry!
01:15:04Come on, Jake.
01:15:06You can make it.
01:15:12Whoa!
01:15:13Whoa!
01:15:13Whoa!
01:15:14Whoa!
01:15:14Whoa!
01:15:15Whoa!
01:15:15Whoa!
01:15:15Whoa!
01:15:16Whoa!
01:15:17Whoa!
01:15:18Whoa!
01:15:20Whoa!
01:15:20Whoa!
01:15:20Whoa!
01:15:21Whoa!
01:15:26Whoa!
01:15:27Whoa!
01:15:27Whoa!
01:15:27Whoa!
01:15:31Whoa!
01:15:48nice ride thanks just got him back from the shop elves upgraded his shoes to the new firestone
01:15:55radials not bad maybe you should have thought about snow tires you know you said even if
01:16:06santa showed up on your doorstep in a one-horse open sleigh you still wouldn't believe that i
01:16:10cared about you so i don't expect this to work but i gotta give it a shot i mean you
01:16:19know i'm
01:16:19not the real santa and contrary to all appearances this is not a real sleigh
01:16:28but ali for all the times i've been a genuine jerk
01:16:33this is a real apology if you'll accept it
01:16:40i might
01:16:45and this is a real kiss
01:17:09come with me to my house
01:17:11i have to be there in two minutes is this still about the worst just come with me
01:17:14but i don't want you don't trust me
01:17:20shepherds quake
01:17:23okay
01:17:36okay
01:17:38let's eat
01:17:54what time is it
01:17:57it's 5 59 you made it
01:18:01yeah i guess i did
01:18:03tell me when it's after six okay
01:18:06what do you mean aren't you going in
01:18:07no not yet
01:18:10but i thought
01:18:12shh shh shh
01:18:13just watch
01:18:15watch what
01:18:18my family
01:18:42well i guess it's about time i went home for christmas
01:18:44you
01:18:46care to join me
01:18:46you bet
01:18:49all right
01:18:58hey everybody
01:18:59merry christmas
01:19:02you made it
01:19:06hey
01:19:07you made it
01:19:10glad you're here
01:19:11me too
01:19:12did you have a hard time getting here
01:19:14oh piece of cake
01:19:16what's uh
01:19:17what's with this santa suit
01:19:19long story dad
01:19:20hey
01:19:21how are you
01:19:22oh
01:19:23you stick
01:19:25farting dog cargo hold longer story
01:19:28well son
01:19:30she's yours
01:19:32but dad i didn't make it home on time
01:19:34don't be silly you were just a few seconds left here
01:19:36no no deal's a deal
01:19:37besides she isn't ready yet
01:19:40what do you mean
01:19:41well we're not really finished fixing her up yet are we
01:19:44i mean i'm sure it's gonna take us a bunch more christmases together to get all the work done
01:19:49don't you think
01:19:51yeah
01:19:5230 or 40 at least
01:19:5636
01:19:58excuse me
01:19:59my sweater says i'm a 36
01:20:01or a medium
01:20:02either will work
01:20:05what's yours
01:20:07mine
01:20:09yeah you know for uh future information
01:20:14eight
01:20:16eight
01:20:18i'll remember that
01:20:21what the heck is that
01:20:22that would be my parade
01:20:25excuse me
01:20:26excuse me
01:20:36great
01:20:37wait a minute
01:20:38that's our sled
01:20:41that's the guy
01:20:43come on
01:20:48hey buddy
01:20:49you stole our sleigh
01:20:52you're just so lucky you're wearing that suit
01:20:56you know a few days ago i might not have agreed with you
01:20:59nice wings
01:21:01thanks
01:21:02took a sewing class
01:21:04it shows
01:21:06peace
01:21:06come on santa give me a ride home
01:21:10let's all go for a ride come on
01:21:13oh i love it i've never been in a sleigh before
01:21:15you better be careful
01:21:16there's no rental
01:21:17woo
01:21:18woo
01:21:21let this buggy rip bro
01:21:23yeah
01:21:23yeah
01:21:24yeah
01:21:24yeah
01:21:24yeah
01:21:26yeah
01:21:27yeah
01:21:27yeah
01:21:27yeah
01:21:37yeah
01:21:37yeah
01:21:38yeah
01:21:38yeah
01:21:38yeah
01:21:40yeah
01:21:47oh
01:21:48merry christmas
01:21:49happy
01:21:51holiday
01:21:52merry christmas
01:21:54yeah
01:21:54yeah
01:21:55yeah
01:21:55oh
01:21:55merry christmas
01:21:59happy
01:22:00holiday
01:22:04Oh yeah
01:22:06We've been waiting all here for this ride
01:22:12When the snow is glistening on the trees outside
01:22:16And all the stockings hung by the fireside
01:22:22Waiting for Santa to arrive
01:22:26And all the love will show
01:22:28As everybody knows
01:22:31It's Christmas time and all the kids will see
01:22:35The gifts under the tree
01:22:37It's the best time of year for the family
01:22:42It's a wonderful feeling
01:22:44When the love and the moon will fall to the ceiling
01:22:47It's that time of year
01:22:50Christmas time is here
01:22:52And with the blessings from above
01:22:55God sent you his love
01:22:57And everything's okay
01:22:59Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays
01:23:02Merry Christmas
01:23:05Merry Christmas
01:23:07Happy Holidays
01:23:13Oh, bells are ringing
01:23:16It's time to scream and shout
01:23:19And everybody's playing
01:23:23Cause schools are celebrating
01:23:25Special times we share
01:23:30Happiness
01:23:31Cause love is in the air
01:23:35And all the love will show
01:23:37Cause everybody knows
01:23:39It's Christmas time and
01:23:42All the kids will see
01:23:44The gifts under the tree
01:23:46It's the best time of year for the family
01:23:50It's a wonderful feeling
01:23:53It's a wonderful feeling
01:23:53With the love and the moon will fall to the ceiling
01:23:56It's that time of year
01:23:59Christmas time is here
01:24:01And with the blessings from above
01:24:03God sent you his love
01:24:06And everything's okay
01:24:07Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays
01:24:12Merry Christmas
01:24:13Merry Christmas
01:24:16And Happy Holidays
01:24:19Merry Christmas
01:24:23Oh yeah
01:24:24Merry Christmas
01:24:25And Happy Holidays
01:24:28No matter what's your holiday
01:24:31It's a time to celebrate
01:24:36Put your worries aside
01:24:38And open up your mind
01:24:41You'll see the world might find
01:24:43Your time is Christmas time
01:24:48Merry Christmas
01:24:50Oh yeah
01:24:50Merry Christmas
01:24:51Merry Christmas
01:24:52Merry Christmas
01:24:53Happy Holidays
01:24:55Merry Christmas
01:24:57Come on up
01:24:58Merry Christmas
01:24:59Let me hear you
01:25:00Merry Christmas
01:25:02And Happy Holidays
01:25:04It's a wonderful feeling
01:25:06Feel the love in the room
01:25:08From the floor to the ceiling
01:25:09It's that time of year
01:25:11It's that time of year
01:25:12Christmas time is here
01:25:14And the blessings from above
01:25:16God sent you his love
01:25:19Oh yeah
01:25:19And everything's okay
01:25:20Merry Christmas
01:25:22Happy Holidays
01:25:24Come on up
01:25:25Merry Christmas
01:25:26Let me hear you
01:25:27Merry Christmas
01:25:29And Happy Holidays
01:25:32Merry Christmas
01:25:35Merry Christmas
01:25:36Oh yeah
01:25:36Merry Christmas
01:25:38Yeah
01:25:38And Happy Holidays
01:25:41Merry Christmas
01:25:43Merry Christmas
01:25:45Come on up
01:25:46Merry Christmas
01:25:47Happy Holidays
01:26:04You
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