- 6 hours ago
I’ll Be Home for Christmas (1988) [Full Movie] [Recommended]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:07From Coney Island to the Sunset Strip, somebody's gonna make a happy trip tonight, while the
00:00:16moon is bright.
00:00:20He's gonna have a bag of crazy toys, to give the goniest of the girls and boys so did.
00:00:28Santa comes on big.
00:00:32He'll come a-callin' when the snow's the most, when all you cats are sleepin' warm as toast.
00:00:38Dad, you're gonna flip when old Santa Nick plays a lick on a peppermint stick.
00:00:45He'll come a-flyin' from a higher place, and fill the stockings by the fireplace.
00:00:50So you'll have your lips cool.
00:01:05Dad, I'm ugly.
00:01:06God, I'm ugly.
00:01:07I'm ugly.
00:01:21It's funny because I'm ugly.
00:01:23So let's get started.
00:01:25Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
00:01:54He's gonna have a bag of crazy toys
00:01:57To get the tallest of the moon as a boy
00:02:00And so dig, Santa comes on big
00:02:06He'll come a-callin' when the snow's the most
00:02:09When all the cats are sleepin' warm as toast
00:02:12And you're gonna flip for an old St. Nick
00:02:16Blaze a lick on the bevelman's dick
00:02:19He'll come a-fly it from a high place
00:02:22And fill the stockets by the fireplace
00:02:25So you, have you let's cool
00:02:31Have you let's cool
00:02:41Hey, Dom
00:02:42Hey, Jake
00:02:43Hi
00:02:43Hi, I see you
00:02:4512.32.14
00:02:4712.32.14
00:02:50I don't hike
00:02:51Jake, thank God, let me out
00:02:53Did you get my mail?
00:02:55Math test
00:02:59Hey, minus
00:03:01All right, you made it look just good enough
00:03:03You score me those backstage passes to Dave Matthews at the Coliseum?
00:03:06All right
00:03:07Oh, that's my man
00:03:09All right
00:03:10Uh, 12.32
00:03:12Uh, what was that last number again, Ian?
00:03:15168?
00:03:1514, Jake
00:03:1614
00:03:17All right, all right
00:03:18Calm down, I got you
00:03:22Thanks, Jake
00:03:22You're welcome
00:03:23Now, Ian, what is the deal with you being sardined into your locker again?
00:03:27It was Eddie Taffet and his troglodyte trio
00:03:29They're bugged about the phony IDs we sold them
00:03:32All right, I'll take care of them later
00:03:33Right now, I need you to get on the net
00:03:34Change that ticket my dad got me to New York
00:03:37And the two seats to Cabo San Lucas
00:03:38Okay
00:03:39Will you be taking Allie?
00:03:41Working on that now
00:03:45Morning, ladies
00:03:46Hi, Jake
00:03:48Do those things really work?
00:03:49Yeah, I want to see
00:03:50No, no, no, it's okay
00:03:57Hi
00:04:02Ah, zone defense, huh?
00:04:05Guess I'm not going to be able to get in
00:04:07Unless
00:04:08What's this?
00:04:10Cherry crunch
00:04:11Would I bring you anything else?
00:04:19Sierra
00:04:20I'm sure that tastes good here
00:04:21But I bet it would taste even better someplace else
00:04:24Shoo-shoo
00:04:44Hey
00:04:46Oh, hi
00:05:16What are you doing here?
00:05:17My final is in three hours
00:05:19And you're here just distracting me
00:05:20So would you please get out of here?
00:05:22Okay, okay
00:05:23Suit yourself
00:05:23I just wanted to let you know
00:05:24There's a freak storm outside
00:05:26Looks like it's snowing
00:05:28Snowing?
00:05:29We're in the middle of Southern California
00:05:30It's not snow
00:05:32Oh
00:05:33My God
00:05:36It's snowing
00:05:39Jake, you lunatic
00:05:41Where did you get a snow machine?
00:05:45Oh, hey, Ian
00:05:46Hi, Ollie
00:05:51It's a white Christmas
00:05:52Just like home
00:05:53And here's a little Christmas cheer
00:05:57Eggnog
00:05:57My mother makes this from scratch
00:05:59And one more thing
00:06:02More?
00:06:02Do I detect an overage of niceness going on here?
00:06:05Just read it
00:06:07Two tickets to Cabo San Lucas
00:06:09Christmas on the beach
00:06:12Amazing
00:06:12Well, I knew you'd be
00:06:15Pissed
00:06:17This is the most inconsiderate thing I've ever heard
00:06:20I have plans that are important to me, Jake
00:06:22Allie, it's not like I'm asking you to sleep in a porta potty
00:06:24This is a three-bedroom condo overlooking the ocean
00:06:27Forget it, Jake
00:06:28You know I'm driving home with Sierra to visit my family
00:06:30So tell him what I told my dad last year
00:06:32You're going to be stuck in the gym
00:06:33Eight hours a day for the next two weeks
00:06:34In preparation for your appearance
00:06:36In the Ultimate Fighting Championship
00:06:38That's what you told him?
00:06:39Well, sure
00:06:40And then when he found out I really wanted to stay here and surf
00:06:43He was so relieved he didn't argue
00:06:44But I want to go home
00:06:46I want a traditional Christmas
00:06:47With snow and stockings and eggnog and carolers
00:06:51I just thought we could have some fun this Christmas
00:06:54No, you just thought that you could have some fun
00:06:56But what about everybody else?
00:06:58My mom and dad would be crushed if I didn't come home
00:07:01And what about your dad?
00:07:02And your sister and Carolyn?
00:07:05You know, bringing up my dad's new wife
00:07:06Just drains me of all my Christmas spirit
00:07:09Look, all I'm saying is
00:07:10Don't you think it's about time you went home?
00:07:15Hey there, looking good today
00:07:17Thanks, Eddie
00:07:18You're looking nice today, too
00:07:20I'm not talking to you, Wilkinson
00:07:23Hey, Allie
00:07:23What kind of perfume are you wearing today?
00:07:25Excuse me?
00:07:26I guess I got three words for you
00:07:28New car smell
00:07:30And it would smell so good on you
00:07:31Why don't you come in here and check it out, baby?
00:07:33Eddie
00:07:34I got one word for you
00:07:36Beamer
00:07:39Stand away from the vehicle
00:07:41You've got to be kidding me
00:07:52So it's Disco Inferno night at the Viper Room, right?
00:07:55And it's me and the Murph Man
00:07:57And the Ed Man
00:07:58And the Ken Man, right?
00:07:59And we were waiting in line for like half the night, right?
00:08:02And the bouncer, he finally gives us the nod
00:08:04So we go over there
00:08:05And debut our brand new IDs
00:08:08And the dude goes
00:08:09Buh-bye
00:08:11And no one
00:08:12No one says
00:08:13Buh-bye
00:08:14To the Brant Man
00:08:15Fellas, fellas, fellas
00:08:17What can I say?
00:08:18My subcontractor's been slacking off
00:08:20But I want to make this up to you
00:08:22I have a foolproof method
00:08:24That'll guarantee you
00:08:25Ace your history, finally
00:08:26But if you'd rather see your grades crash and burn
00:08:29It's up to you
00:08:34No cost, right?
00:08:36Of course there's no cost for the answers
00:08:38I couldn't do that to you guys
00:08:39You guys are my buds
00:08:41However, there is a nominal fee for the Viper rental
00:08:51Wilkinson residence
00:08:53Oh, I'm sorry
00:08:54He can't come to the phone right now
00:08:55He's busy accessorizing
00:08:58Oh, okay
00:08:59Jake, it's your dad
00:09:03See ya
00:09:11Dad, hey
00:09:12How are things at the office?
00:09:14Fine
00:09:14We're all off for the holidays
00:09:16I sent everybody home at noon today
00:09:17Great
00:09:18Getting ready for ski season?
00:09:20Yeah, I just got my bindings fixed
00:09:22Look, Jake
00:09:23I'm calling to find out about you
00:09:24Are you, uh, still planning on coming home for Christmas?
00:09:28Gosh, you know, I'd like to
00:09:29But I gotta stick around campus and finish up that extra credit lab work
00:09:33Because I got a call from my travel agent
00:09:35He says that the ticket I sent you was cashed in for two tickets to Cabo San Lucas
00:09:39He says somebody sabotaged his computer file
00:09:43What kind of a world are we living in?
00:09:46Is the convenience of technology worth the loss of our privacy?
00:09:49Who would do such a thing?
00:09:50Where will it end, Dad?
00:09:51Look, I agreed to let you go off to school in California
00:09:54But you haven't been home for the holidays since Mom died
00:09:58I think it's time that we become a family again
00:10:02Dad, Dad, Dad
00:10:03If you were 18 years old, where would you rather be for Christmas?
00:10:06At home with your family or in Cabo on the beach with a beautiful girl?
00:10:10Well, Allie's parents say she's coming home just like always
00:10:15I just really want you home, son
00:10:18Ask this Carolyn
00:10:21And Tracy, we all want you home
00:10:24Well, I just don't think I can get there
00:10:28Not even if I, uh, give you the Porsche
00:10:34Excuse me?
00:10:36The Porsche?
00:10:38The 1957 Porsche?
00:10:40The same 1957 Porsche that we rebuilt by hand together
00:10:43With the Kid Glove interiors and the original paint?
00:10:45The 1957 Porsche?
00:10:48I'll tell you what
00:10:48If you're home by the time we sit down to dinner
00:10:51Six o'clock, Christmas Eve
00:10:53The car's yours
00:10:54Six o'clock, not one minute past, you understand?
00:10:57Yes, sir
00:10:58We'll see you then
00:10:59Great, bye
00:11:03You are mine
00:11:06All mine
00:11:09Okay, uh, he cashes in the tickets and you offer him a bribe
00:11:14Do you see anything wrong with this picture?
00:11:17Yeah, yeah, I do, but
00:11:19But what?
00:11:21Jake's coming home for Christmas
00:11:29Okay, I gotta go back, you guys
00:11:30I'll see you in an hour
00:11:37Nice try, but no chance
00:11:38Hmm, must be defective
00:11:41You know, I estimated it'd be another five hours
00:11:44Till you tried to make up
00:11:45Huh, that's funny
00:11:46Because I estimate that it takes five hours
00:11:49To fly to Larchmont, New York
00:11:51I thought you cashed your ticket in for Cabo
00:11:53I cashed it back in for two tickets to New York
00:11:56Will you please accept my apology
00:11:58And come home with me for Christmas?
00:12:04You're unbelievable
00:12:05Tell me about it
00:12:06Ripley's doing a special on me
00:12:08So, why the sudden change of heart?
00:12:11Well, I guess you kind of got to me
00:12:12With all that sentimental family stuff
00:12:14Oh, well, I'm glad to see you're coming around
00:12:16Hey, if you don't have family
00:12:18What do you have, right?
00:12:20So, you want to come over
00:12:21And help me pack?
00:12:25No, I can't
00:12:26I gotta go tutor some jocks
00:12:28Oh, you're such a compassionate man
00:12:30I am a giver
00:12:32Pick you up tomorrow morning, 8 o'clock
00:12:34Okay
00:12:41This better work
00:12:47Run
00:12:56Look out, look out
00:12:57Hey
00:13:04What's taking him so long?
00:13:11Sorry, Ms. Peterson
00:13:12Coach likes to stay in touch
00:13:15Shh
00:13:16Shh
00:13:16Shh
00:13:17Shh
00:14:01and when you're driving a Porsche it's like you have a relationship with it like it knows you
00:14:05and it's listening and just responding that is so true and downshifting you don't know what
00:14:10downshifting can do to downshift it in a Porsche you are a lucky man Wilkinson that is so true
00:14:18so uh jake are you feeling lucky immensely well i think that's all about to change
00:14:27something wrong fellas you think you're some kind of wise guy right
00:14:30think it's real funny to make us look like morons right what are you talking about
00:14:34the beepers dipstick Ian where's Ian 12 32 14 oh man
00:14:45look i'm sure there's some explanation for this let me make a couple phone calls
00:14:48i think we're done explaining boys
00:14:53come on guys fellas fellas
00:15:01all right
00:15:03all right
00:15:08all right jake where are you
00:15:13all right
00:15:26Smells, with every Christmas part I cry.
00:15:35May those days, may your days, may your days be merry and bright.
00:15:44Oh, God, I wish I were dead.
00:15:50I said I wished I were dead.
00:16:00What the...?
00:16:05Let's see you sweet-talk your way out of this one.
00:16:07Eddie and the boys.
00:16:09It's the last time I do business with those guys.
00:16:13Go on, get out of here.
00:16:18Ow!
00:16:20You glued it on, didn't you, you jerks?
00:16:25That, too?
00:16:27This is not acceptable!
00:16:41Sit.
00:16:43Roll over.
00:16:44Die.
00:16:53Hey, it's Jake. You found me.
00:16:56Idiot!
00:16:57Who's an idiot?
00:16:59I am.
00:17:00Jake Flaked, huh?
00:17:02What a surprise.
00:17:04Well, lucky for you, the end man's here to the rescue.
00:17:06So, what do you say we blow this popsicle stand?
00:17:09Because I got butt warmers in the seats.
00:17:11You're loving this, aren't you?
00:17:14Pretty much, yeah.
00:17:17Okay, let's go.
00:17:18All right!
00:17:19Oh, no, no, no, no, allow me.
00:17:21I got it, I got it.
00:17:23The ultimate in irony.
00:17:25Seventeen academy kids are driving back east this winter and I get a ride with you.
00:17:30Just the two of us, riding the crest of destiny's rainbow.
00:17:34Sharing, caring, pair for the ages.
00:17:39Okay, hold on.
00:17:40First, the ground rules.
00:17:42If you say too many stupid things like that, I'll have to slug you.
00:17:45If you say anything nasty about Jake, I'll have to slug you.
00:17:48If you try to feel me up, I'll have to slug you.
00:17:51If you make me listen to any sexist, racist, or homophobic jokes, I'm gonna have to slug you.
00:17:58And finally, I might just have to slug you from time to time simply because I find the prospect of
00:18:02driving across the country with you incredibly stressful!
00:18:06All right, sounds like a party to me.
00:18:11So, uh, what should we listen to, Jewel, Sarah, Fiona?
00:18:15I'm in a sensitive mood, aren't you?
00:18:17Cut the crap, Eddie, I'm already in the car.
00:18:19All right, let's burn this baby!
00:18:21New York, go!
00:18:31They'll be singing, gonna be singing,
00:18:36Christmas carols
00:18:39By the old perell
00:18:43Celebrating
00:18:44Hungry-cating
00:18:46And exchanging greetings
00:18:49By the old perell
00:18:52There'll be lots of little children
00:18:56And how thick their eyes will be
00:18:58So they see what Santa left around the tree
00:19:04They'll be merry
00:19:06They'll be merry
00:19:07Singing those merry
00:19:10Christmas carols
00:19:11By the old perell
00:19:16Hey, it's Allie, you got the machine, you know the...
00:19:18Allie, it's me. Listen, I am so sorry...
00:19:28Hey, it's Allie!
00:19:30Desert Santa buzzer tumbleweed!
00:19:33This totally sucks!
00:19:37You got a mean disposition for a Santa
00:19:39I need to make another phone call
00:19:42Long distance?
00:19:44What from here is not long distance?
00:19:59Hello?
00:19:59Tracy, it's Jake
00:20:00Oh, hi. Where are you?
00:20:03I'm in the middle of nowhere, dressed like Santa Claus
00:20:06Being attacked by a killer tumbleweed
00:20:07Cool!
00:20:08Get me, Dad
00:20:09When did I become your slave?
00:20:11The day you were born
00:20:14Oh, right
00:20:16Oh, Dad
00:20:18It's the prodigal son
00:20:21Hello?
00:20:23Hello, Father
00:20:23Dad
00:20:25Jake, you sound funny
00:20:26Are you at the airport?
00:20:28Well, I've had some setbacks
00:20:30But if you wire me some money, I'll make it home for Christmas
00:20:33Just what kind of a bind are you in, Jake?
00:20:36He's in the middle of nowhere, dressed as Santa Claus
00:20:38Being attacked by a killer bumblebee
00:20:40That's tumbleweed
00:20:41Otherwise, it's just like she said
00:20:43That is the worst alibi in a long line of bad alibis, Jake
00:20:47But it's all true
00:20:48That's what you always say
00:20:50I know, but I really need your help if I'm gonna make it home on time
00:20:53Now, look, we had a deal
00:20:55It is up to you to get yourself home on Christmas Eve
00:20:58Or you can forget about the Porsche
00:21:00Dad?
00:21:05Excuse me
00:21:06I couldn't help overhearing
00:21:08You're trying to get home for Christmas
00:21:10And your father won't help you?
00:21:13Oh, it's not that
00:21:14It's just
00:21:19He's so worried about the operation
00:21:21He's not thinking clearly
00:21:24Operation?
00:21:26Yeah
00:21:27The whole family chipped in and got him a triple bypass for Christmas
00:21:31I sent home every last dollar I earned working as a shopping mall Santa
00:21:37The operation's on Christmas Eve
00:21:39And now I won't be home until after the anesthesia wears off
00:21:44Oh dear
00:21:47You know
00:21:48Me and the girls are driving to Vegas to see Tom Jones
00:21:52We're Tom Tom girls
00:21:54You wanna ride with us?
00:21:57Do you have What's New Pussycat?
00:21:59Do we have What's New Pussycat?
00:22:03What's New Pussycat?
00:22:04Woah
00:22:14Could we crack open a window?
00:22:16Do you think it's funny how easily old people can catch pneumonia?
00:22:20Do you think that's a joke?
00:22:22No, it's just I had a hard night and I'm not feeling so well
00:22:27Hey, get out of there
00:22:31Darlene, Mama's teeth have fallen out of her mouth again.
00:22:35Just wedge them back in, dear.
00:22:38Okay, Santa Claus, make yourself useful.
00:22:41And just put those right back in her mouth.
00:22:44Gertens, anyone?
00:22:47Oh, for Pete's sake.
00:22:50Oh, well, that's lovely.
00:22:52What happened?
00:22:54Santa just yammied in your handbag.
00:22:58There he goes again.
00:22:59Well, stop him!
00:23:01Okay, here, Santa!
00:23:03Santa, get up!
00:23:07Did I hurt you, Santa?
00:23:10Good.
00:23:11All right, Buster, out you get!
00:23:14Out you get out!
00:23:16Get out of here!
00:23:18Get out of here, you!
00:23:20And take your beard with you!
00:23:22Oh, never heard of Santa!
00:23:24Imagine yamme-ing in my sister's handbag!
00:23:36There you go, there's five.
00:23:39Desert Santa Buzzard Tumbleweed.
00:23:42Desert Santa Buzzard Tumbleweed.
00:23:45Oh, I love this game.
00:23:47Pick which word is not like the others.
00:23:48Uh, Santa.
00:23:49No, idiot.
00:23:51It's a message Jake left on my machine.
00:23:54Wow.
00:23:55Bizarre, huh?
00:23:57Yeah.
00:24:01Thanks.
00:24:11Allie?
00:24:14Eddie?
00:24:17Eddie.
00:24:19Eddie?
00:24:21Eddie?
00:24:23Eddie?
00:24:27My God.
00:24:30Ellie!
00:24:31What's wrong with you?
00:24:33Uh, we gotta go.
00:24:34We're just...
00:24:34Way behind schedule.
00:24:36Ellie, wait!
00:24:39Ellie!
00:24:41Stop!
00:24:43Wait!
00:24:53I'll have a blue Christmas without you I'll be so blue just thinking about you
00:25:16decoration a red on a green Christmas tree it won't mean a thing if you're not here
00:25:34this is the worst day of my life and it just got worse
00:25:45that's when those blue memories start calling
00:25:56you'll be doing alright with your Christmas
00:26:03a white but I'll have a blue, blue, blue Christmas
00:26:21but I'll have a blue, blue, blue Christmas
00:26:32oh oh oh dubby secret fat man handshake
00:26:36alright
00:26:38you know confidentially speaking just between us Santas
00:26:41don't you ever get tired of wearing this suit
00:26:44I mean every year it's the same suit red red red red red
00:26:47I mean does any guy really look good in red
00:26:49I don't think so
00:26:53got women the sled for two?
00:26:56thanks
00:26:57I really appreciate it
00:26:58you're a pal
00:27:00there's a safe seat
00:27:01you're a pal
00:27:01you're a pal
00:27:02you're a pal
00:27:02you're a pal
00:27:05you're a pal
00:27:07you're a pal
00:27:13you're a pal
00:27:16you're a pal
00:27:19you're a pal
00:27:33Whoa, you're not so cute in the morning, I'm kind of glad nothing happened.
00:27:37Ow!
00:27:38You just slugged me.
00:27:40As per our agreement.
00:27:47Wake up, Chief.
00:27:48Time to feed the reindeer.
00:27:53Alright, I'm going, I'm going.
00:27:58Oh!
00:28:04Here comes Saddle, here comes Saddle, right down Saddle's land.
00:28:10Take sun and see how late the reindeer's pulling on the rain.
00:28:17Wells are ringing till anything at all is merry and bright.
00:28:23Hang your stock and then say your prayer.
00:28:26Hi there!
00:28:28Yeah, merry Christmas you too.
00:28:31Come Saddle's line, down Saddle's lane.
00:28:34Come Saddle's land, come Saddle's land.
00:28:35He's gonna bang up, and we'll talk for boys and girls again.
00:28:40Come Saddle's land, come Saddle's land.
00:28:41Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle.
00:28:44What a beautiful sound.
00:28:51Bang!
00:28:52Bang!
00:29:24Oh man, I went and killed Santa.
00:29:32Oh no.
00:29:35Santa!
00:29:39Santa!
00:29:40Oh, thank God!
00:29:52Hang on Santa, I'm coming!
00:29:55I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming!
00:29:58Hold on, hold on, hold on!
00:30:01Hey?
00:30:04Am I alive?
00:30:05Sir, I have never been happy to answer that question in my life.
00:30:09Yes, you are alive!
00:30:12You been asked that question before?
00:30:14Oh, maybe 10, 12 times.
00:30:22Don't keep going, Dr. Jones, Dr Jones, Dr Jones, wake up now
00:30:28Ah-ah, now you, can I ask you something?
00:30:37Shoot!
00:30:38Look, I'm a millennial type of guy, you know, I dig world music.
00:30:42I think Freon should be banned, you know, I'm all about yoga and macrobiotic food.
00:30:46I mean, I'm in touch with my inner child, for God's sake.
00:30:49Is the question coming before Ohio?
00:30:51Yeah, well, what I'm getting at is, what does Jake have that I haven't got?
00:30:58It's the stuff he comes up with.
00:31:01Funny things, amazing things, things that just give me the chills.
00:31:06Yeah, give me an example of one of these chills things, huh?
00:31:10Okay.
00:31:12Okay, there was this one time I was feeling really bad.
00:31:15It was just a really down day, and Jake took my hand in his, and being really sweet, he said,
00:31:23Not even the rain has such small hands.
00:31:27Not even the rain has such small hands?
00:31:31What a nerd!
00:31:32It's E.E. Cummings.
00:31:34Huh?
00:31:36Poetry, Eddie?
00:31:38And that gave you chills?
00:31:41You wouldn't understand.
00:31:45Allie?
00:31:46What?
00:31:49Not even the corn had such big ears.
00:31:53Oh, that's beautiful.
00:31:54I'm really moved, Eddie.
00:31:55Oh, look, because if it's poetry you want, I got it, baby.
00:31:58There once was a man from Nantucket.
00:32:01Just drive the car, Eddie.
00:32:08Man, oh man, I was sure you were a goner.
00:32:12Nolan, it's been two hours.
00:32:14I can't have this conversation with you anymore.
00:32:16What conversation?
00:32:18The one where you go, you were sure I was a goner, and I go, yeah, that was really a
00:32:21close one.
00:32:23Oh, okay.
00:32:28Hey, that's a Pathfinder.
00:32:29Catch up with them.
00:32:31Who's them?
00:32:31My girlfriend.
00:32:33No kidding?
00:32:33All the way out here?
00:32:36Wait a minute.
00:32:37Are you saying that's Mrs. Claus in that car?
00:32:40With another guy?
00:32:41Mrs. Claus stepping out on Santa and letting some other guy down the chimney?
00:32:46Why, that two-time and hoe?
00:32:48Uh, Nolan, reality check?
00:32:51You say no more, Santa.
00:32:52I'm after them.
00:33:02Nolan, I said catch them.
00:33:04Try not to kill us.
00:33:05All right, all right.
00:33:08Nolan, there's a cop behind us with his lights on.
00:33:11Slow down.
00:33:12Oh, man.
00:33:13Cops make me nervous.
00:33:15I'm gonna make a run for it.
00:33:16What are you, nuts?
00:33:17Look, my daddy always said,
00:33:19it's better to go out in a blaze of glory
00:33:20than to rot in a state correctional facility.
00:33:25Let me guess, you're about to tell me the stuff in the back's stolen, right?
00:33:30I won't if you don't want me to.
00:33:33Stop the car, Nolan.
00:33:35Stop the?
00:33:36Stop the car.
00:33:41Woo-hoo!
00:33:43All right, come on, Jake.
00:33:44Think, think, think, think, think.
00:33:46I know.
00:33:47Put this on.
00:33:48Act like my elf.
00:33:50All right, all right.
00:33:51How do elves act?
00:33:52I don't know.
00:33:54Happy.
00:33:55Happy.
00:34:07Merry Christmas, officer.
00:34:08Problem?
00:34:10You in a bit of a hurry, aren't you?
00:34:12Well, that's my fault.
00:34:13Busy time of year for me.
00:34:15Ho, ho, ho.
00:34:16I'm an elf.
00:34:18So it seems.
00:34:19Do you realize you were going 79 in a 65-mile-per-hour zone?
00:34:23You should try catching me in my sleigh.
00:34:26Ho, ho, ho.
00:34:26Heh, heh.
00:34:28You see, officer, my elf Snowpuff and I are heading to the children's hospital in the next town.
00:34:33You mean Redcliffe?
00:34:35Yeah, Redcliffe.
00:34:36Exactly.
00:34:36To distribute toys to the youngsters.
00:34:38You know, I'm sorry if in my haste I sped up a bit, but every second counts to a bedridden
00:34:43child.
00:34:46All right.
00:34:47I'll tell you what.
00:34:48No more speeding.
00:34:50Okay, Santa?
00:34:5165, stay alive.
00:34:53Merry Christmas.
00:34:55Thank you, officer.
00:34:57And that is how the big boys do it.
00:35:00You know what?
00:35:02My shift ends in a few minutes.
00:35:04Why don't you follow me?
00:35:05I'll get you there in no time.
00:35:06No.
00:35:09So that's how the big boys do it?
00:35:12Shut up, Nolan.
00:35:22So close, yet so far.
00:35:33Please stay in the car.
00:35:34Please stay in the car.
00:35:35Please stay in the car.
00:35:36Oh, man.
00:35:38I guess he couldn't hear you.
00:35:46Hey, thank you, officer.
00:35:47Say, do you all mind if I go in there with you?
00:35:49I kind of like to see the kids' faces, you know, when you give them their gifts.
00:35:54The more the merrier.
00:35:58And I want a pony and a Barbie dream house and a light bright deluxe fan.
00:36:01That's all great stuff, but Santa's going to give you something even better.
00:36:06A KitchenAid Classic Plus toaster with exclusive AccuToast sensor for consistent toasting time after time.
00:36:13Now, sweetie, this toaster is extra wide so you can get four bagels in there instead of the usual two.
00:36:19Okay, thank you, Santa.
00:36:20You're welcome.
00:36:21But, Santa, this toaster was already promised to a little cowpoke named Nolan.
00:36:29Hand it over to the kids' snowpuff.
00:36:35All right, let's get this line moving.
00:36:37Who's next?
00:36:39All righty.
00:36:40And what do you want for Christmas?
00:36:43And finally.
00:36:45Ho, ho, ho.
00:36:47Merry Christmas.
00:36:48And what's your name, little boy?
00:36:50Esteban.
00:36:51Esteban.
00:36:52All right, let's see what we have here today for Esteban.
00:36:58Look at this.
00:37:00A Eureka Boss Cordless Rechargeable Vacuum Cleaner.
00:37:03No, thank you.
00:37:07Well, uh, I don't know what else I have here for you, buddy.
00:37:11What do you want for Christmas?
00:37:13To go home.
00:37:18I want to be with mi mamá, mi papá, mi hermana Maribel, mi hermano Mario, tío Carlos y mi tío
00:37:27Ramón, tía Cristina, tía María, grandmothers and grandfathers and my dog, Sorrito, and have Christmas tree and lights and angels
00:37:40and Christmas cookies.
00:37:42With little red and green sprinkles on top and plum pudding and Christmas carols and...
00:37:48Oh, sugar doll, I miss you so much.
00:37:51I don't want to offend stolen goods no more.
00:37:53I just want to beg you to come home for Christmas.
00:37:55Please, Marjorie, you know I didn't mean to hurt you.
00:37:58I don't know how I'm going to get through the holidays without you.
00:38:01I just need to talk to my dad or Tracy.
00:38:04Are either of them there?
00:38:06Oh, gee, your dad and Tracy went to the mall.
00:38:09It's just me holding down the fort.
00:38:12Uh-huh.
00:38:13We are all so excited you're coming home.
00:38:16We've got the tree all set up.
00:38:18It looks great.
00:38:19And I've just been shopping and cooking and cooking and shopping.
00:38:23Speaking of which, your sweater size.
00:38:26Are you a...
00:38:27You're a 38, right?
00:38:29Yeah, I guess.
00:38:32Where are you now?
00:38:33Are you on your way home?
00:38:34Yeah, look, I got to run.
00:38:36So, uh, you take care now, okay?
00:38:39Okay.
00:38:40Bye.
00:38:41Bye.
00:38:54I got to tell you, Santa, sir, although I've only been your elf for a very short time,
00:38:59I feel like a new man.
00:39:00Changed.
00:39:02Do I look changed to you?
00:39:06Well, maybe you've changed you on the inside where it counts.
00:39:09Yeah, that's it.
00:39:10I've changed on the inside, and I'm going home for Christmas.
00:39:15Home?
00:39:15I thought you were going east.
00:39:17Nope, back the other way.
00:39:18But, Nolan, I saved your buck back down the road.
00:39:21Don't you think you owe me something?
00:39:23Uh, yes, I do.
00:39:28Didn't mean to leave you hanging, buddy.
00:39:30Whoa.
00:39:32Merry Christmas!
00:39:36What?
00:39:36Can I have a word with you?
00:39:38What is it?
00:39:39Well, it's my wife, Marjorie.
00:39:41She left me last month, and, well, if I could just get her back home for Christmas, I know
00:39:45we could start again.
00:39:47Why are you telling me this?
00:39:48She won't listen to me, but I got a hunch she might listen to Santa.
00:39:52See, if you walked into the restaurant where she works and asked her to forgive me, I know
00:39:56she'd come home.
00:39:57She left you, right?
00:39:58Yeah.
00:39:59So where's your dignity?
00:40:01Don't go crawling back to her.
00:40:02Let her come groveling back to you.
00:40:04Yeah, maybe you're right.
00:40:05Why drive all the way to Nebraska just to get slammed again?
00:40:10Wait, Nebraska?
00:40:11Hasn't he used to hear?
00:40:12It's about a six-hour trip.
00:40:14What's the matter with you, man?
00:40:15You love her enough to marry her, but you won't take a little drive?
00:40:20So, Max, what'd you do that made your wife so mad that you'd take a job 300 miles away?
00:40:25Uh, I stayed out at Smitty's till 3 one morning.
00:40:28Doesn't seem so bad.
00:40:30With an old girlfriend.
00:40:33All right, here's the deal.
00:40:34If I get Marjorie to come home for Christmas, you buy me a bus ticket to New York.
00:40:39If you can get Marjorie to come home for Christmas, I'll buy you a bus ticket to the moon.
00:40:44All right.
00:40:48Hey.
00:40:48Hey.
00:40:49Looking good.
00:40:50Yeah.
00:40:51I got kind of a weird call from Jake while you were out.
00:40:54He didn't say where he was calling from, but I'm pretty sure he's on the road.
00:40:58I hope he's going to make it okay.
00:41:00There is not an obstacle in this world that will keep my son from this car.
00:41:05Oh, my God, there's a scratch! There's a scratch!
00:41:07Where? Where?
00:41:08Get a life, Dad.
00:41:13See ya.
00:41:14See ya.
00:41:21Well, she's ready for you, son.
00:41:25Wherever you are.
00:41:35There she is, right there.
00:41:38Isn't she the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?
00:41:41Yeah, no doubt.
00:41:41So what do you want me to tell her?
00:41:43That if she doesn't come home, I'll die.
00:41:48Good.
00:41:48Die.
00:41:49Now, don't you think you're being a little bit harsh now, Marjorie?
00:41:52Harsh?
00:41:53After he kissed that tramp in front of everybody at Smitty's?
00:41:57Well, you know, I'm sure it was a friendly kiss, right?
00:41:59Like brother, sister.
00:42:00There was tongue.
00:42:02There was not!
00:42:04There was too, you big pig!
00:42:06Everybody saw it!
00:42:07Marjorie, it wasn't me kissing her.
00:42:10It was the eggermeister!
00:42:12We made a commitment, Max, to honor and obey for better or for worse.
00:42:17Okay, this is worse.
00:42:19Ugh!
00:42:19He really burns my biscuits.
00:42:21Let me handle this one, okay, Max?
00:42:25Don't you think you should give Max another chance?
00:42:27I mean, maybe this is all just a misunderstanding.
00:42:30He kissed her!
00:42:30How do you misunderstand that?
00:42:32Well, I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you.
00:42:35You know, it's just like this other couple I know.
00:42:37We're all upset about a misunderstanding.
00:42:39Oh, yeah?
00:42:39What's wrong with them?
00:42:40Well, they had a trip planned to go back east, and he canceled last minute because he wanted
00:42:44to take her to Cabo San Lucas for Christmas instead.
00:42:46But she thought he was being selfish, which was a misunderstanding.
00:42:50No, it wasn't.
00:42:50He sounds like a jerk.
00:42:51No, he's not.
00:42:52I mean, if she had understood, she would have realized that the guy's got a stepmother
00:42:56that he doesn't like very much.
00:42:57Well, what's wrong with the stepmother?
00:42:59Well, the dad married her only ten months after his wife died.
00:43:02She must be a babe.
00:43:04Why is this guy mad at the stepmother?
00:43:06It's not her fault.
00:43:07Don't you think ten months is a little soon?
00:43:09No, she's a babe.
00:43:12Look, what does any of this have to do with me and Max?
00:43:16Misunderstandings can be overcome if both people just try.
00:43:20Look, right now Max is sitting out there with a broken heart, and all he's asking for
00:43:25is a second chance.
00:43:26Just give him another shot.
00:43:30Hey, Marge.
00:43:32Sounds about a topper on this coffee.
00:43:35You know what?
00:43:36I've got a job to do.
00:43:44How'd it go?
00:43:45Well, you know what a swirly is?
00:43:47You mean when somebody jams your head in a toilet bowl and flushes it?
00:43:50Yeah, it was pretty much like that.
00:43:51Oh, man.
00:43:53Now get in there.
00:43:53Say something romantic.
00:43:55Huh?
00:43:56Something apologetic?
00:43:59Um...
00:43:59Something in English!
00:44:02There's us!
00:44:03All right already!
00:44:04Come on.
00:44:16I got an idea.
00:44:28Oh, Marjorie, oh, Marjorie, I need to have you home.
00:44:40Oh, Marjorie, oh, Marjorie, I need to have you home.
00:44:53I'm sorry I was such an insensitive jerk that night.
00:45:00I hope that singing this song will make everything all right.
00:45:09You're not the only one.
00:45:11Oh, Marjorie, oh, Marjorie, oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby.
00:45:23I'll make it up to you on the velvet skirt of the Christmas tree.
00:45:35See you're my wife, I'd give my life if you just come home.
00:45:57Now on your knees
00:45:59Now on your knees
00:46:01No, we don't sing it
00:46:08Marjorie, I'm so sorry, baby
00:46:11Won't you please
00:46:29Here's your ticket
00:46:30Your bus will be here in ten minutes
00:46:33Thanks, thank you
00:46:40Well, see ya
00:46:43Hey, Santa
00:46:43Yeah
00:46:44I, uh, I hope that other couple, you know, works through their misunderstandings
00:46:51Me too
00:46:55Well, they're a couple
00:46:57No, it doesn't matter
00:46:59It's just you and me, baby
00:47:08You know what I've always wondered?
00:47:11What?
00:47:12Out of all the planets in the universe
00:47:14How is it that this is the only one that spawned intelligent life?
00:47:20Yeah
00:47:22You know what I always wonder about?
00:47:24What's that?
00:47:25How come more breakfast joints don't serve your food right in the skillet?
00:47:29Like Denny's
00:47:29I mean, think about it
00:47:30They give you your meat, your eggs, your spuds right in the pan
00:47:33Man, that rocks
00:47:34Or like when a homeless guy, he comes up to you and he says he's the messiah
00:47:37And then he asks you for money and you're just like
00:47:39You know, you just want to walk away
00:47:40But then you think to yourself
00:47:41What happens if he is the messiah
00:47:43And I'm just blowing the dude off
00:47:47Think about it
00:47:49I take back what I said about intelligent life on earth
00:47:56Hey, look at that
00:47:59Oh, Velveeta, come on now
00:48:02That's why we have to stay there
00:48:04Come on, where would you rather go?
00:48:06Another dumpy motel or a fake Bavarian village in the middle of nowhere
00:48:11I don't think it's very Eddie
00:48:13Well, I think it's totally Eddie
00:48:15It's completely cheesy and trying to be cool
00:48:19When are you going to stop being mean to the Ed man, huh?
00:48:22When do you stop referring to yourself in the third person?
00:48:39Maybe I should just go with it
00:48:50Hey
00:48:51Hey
00:48:53Check this out
00:48:54Tell me what's better
00:48:56Ho, ho, ho
00:48:57Merry Christmas
00:48:59Ho, ho, ho
00:49:00Merry Christmas
00:49:02Ho, ho, ho
00:49:03Merry Christmas
00:49:06Well, the first one's good for really little kids
00:49:09Like my sister
00:49:10Who's three
00:49:11And the second one's good for big kids
00:49:14Like my friends and me
00:49:15And the third one's good if you want to scare people
00:49:18And watch them run away screaming
00:49:22Okay, cool, thanks
00:49:23Whatever
00:49:24Whatever
00:49:53Well, look at that.
00:49:55Look, the clock man is sexually harassing the clock lady.
00:49:58How typical.
00:50:00Uh, don't witness it.
00:50:01You might have to testify.
00:50:04Wow, Eddie, that was actually clever.
00:50:07Hey, I'm a witty guy.
00:50:08I mean, you think this astonishing physique is all the Ed-Man has to offer, huh?
00:50:13Well, take this, Ed-Man.
00:50:17Oh, my God.
00:50:17You're dead.
00:50:18You're so dead.
00:50:19I'm gonna get it so bad.
00:50:20Oh, my God.
00:50:25This is Wendy Richards reporting live from Adelbrook, Iowa, site of the Strudelstrasen
00:50:29and world-famous human clock.
00:50:31Now, the temperature outside stands at 31 degrees, but of course, the temperature is always a
00:50:36little bit warmer underneath the mistletoe arch, and, uh, here's a couple now.
00:50:40I hope you kids know where you're standing.
00:50:48I'll kill him.
00:50:49Your attention, please.
00:50:50Bus 33 to New York is now boarding.
00:50:53All passengers with tickets, please proceed to Kerr.
00:51:00I think you just stopped being mean to me.
00:51:17Excuse me.
00:51:18Conway?
00:51:19Get behind the yellow line.
00:51:19Hey, just a second.
00:51:20I need to ask you a favor.
00:51:21Just get behind the yellow line.
00:51:23I realize you're on a schedule, but it being the holidays and all.
00:51:26I wonder if you wouldn't mind taking a small detour to Adelbrook.
00:51:28I think everyone would really enjoy it.
00:51:30But I wouldn't.
00:51:32What if we...
00:51:33No.
00:51:33How about we...
00:51:34No.
00:51:34But...
00:51:35No.
00:51:36Got it.
00:51:41That is very good.
00:51:43Look at that.
00:51:45Here, why don't you try using the yellow line?
00:52:02Sorry we only had one room left tonight.
00:52:04It'd been Christmas and all.
00:52:06But, uh...
00:52:06You'll find it's very special.
00:52:10Well...
00:52:11Welcome to your honeymoon suite.
00:52:35Is this yours?
00:52:37Hm?
00:52:38No.
00:52:39Not yours either.
00:52:41Whose is it?
00:52:45Human liver?
00:52:47Organ donation?
00:52:48Oh, my God!
00:52:49We've got a live liver here!
00:52:51It says, deliver to Ali Henderson in Adelbrook, ASAP.
00:52:54Think it's real?
00:52:55Let's take a look.
00:52:57Oh, we move!
00:52:58We need to get to Adelbrook!
00:53:01Okay, everybody sit down!
00:53:04What the hell is wrong with you, man?
00:53:06You get behind the yellow line!
00:53:07Don't give me your lip!
00:53:08I don't believe you, man!
00:53:10There's a little girl in Adelbrook that needs a liver transplant.
00:53:14We've got a schedule to keep!
00:53:15Schedule, shmedule!
00:53:16Shame on you!
00:53:17This isn't about schedules, man!
00:53:19It's the gift of life!
00:53:21The greatest Christmas gift ever!
00:53:23And we've even got Santa to bring it to her!
00:53:25This is a non-stop bus to New York!
00:53:27This is happening for a reason!
00:53:29We were put on this bus to take this organ to Adelbrook!
00:53:33Adelbrook!
00:53:34Adelbrook!
00:53:35Adelbrook!
00:53:36Adelbrook!
00:53:36Hey, okay!
00:53:37Okay!
00:53:38You think I don't care about that little girl?
00:53:41Well, you're wrong!
00:53:42We're going to Adelbrook, all right, but because I say we are!
00:53:46Hey, hey!
00:53:47Now, everybody behind the yellow line and sit down!
00:53:51Ow!
00:53:57It's funny, Adi.
00:53:58I never thought I'd end up sleeping in the same bed with you,
00:54:01and yet, somehow, with you here, I feel safe.
00:54:05You want me to put on any more clothes?
00:54:08Nah, that should be fine.
00:54:10Good night, Adi.
00:54:11Good night.
00:54:14Adi.
00:54:23I'm giving you ten minutes!
00:54:25You fired that girl, Santa!
00:54:27Go, Santa!
00:54:28Go, Santa!
00:54:29Go, Santa!
00:54:30Go, Santa!
00:54:30Go, Santa!
00:54:31Everybody, shut up!
00:54:46Hi.
00:54:47Can you tell me if there's an Ali Henderson or an Eddie Taffet checked in here?
00:54:50I'm sorry, Santa.
00:54:52I'm not allowed to give out information on our guests.
00:54:54Listen, ma'am, I have a full plate of activities tonight,
00:54:57not to mention a pesky Grinch who has kidnapped Mrs. Claus
00:54:59in an attempt to make my life miserable.
00:55:01I'm sorry, Santa, but that's policy.
00:55:04Policy?
00:55:05Policy does not apply to me!
00:55:06I override policy!
00:55:08I want to know where my girlfriend is!
00:55:09I refuse to bail my kids!
00:55:11No!
00:55:19I refuse to be like a voice.
00:55:25No!
00:55:25No!
00:55:26No!
00:55:27No!
00:55:29No!
00:55:30No!
00:55:31No!
00:55:31No!
00:55:32No!
00:55:35Yes!
00:55:37No!
00:55:38No!
00:55:57Maintenance.
00:56:02Where is he?
00:56:03Jake?
00:56:04What are you doing here?
00:56:07Why are you dressed like Santa Claus?
00:56:08I had to hijack a bus. Eddie and his buddies left me in the desert like this the other night.
00:56:14Desert Santa buzzard tumbleweed.
00:56:16So what gives with you kissing that slimy moron?
00:56:19It's not what you think.
00:56:21Jake, what are you doing here, bud? This love nest is full.
00:56:24Calm down, Jake. Nothing happened.
00:56:26Where's the trust, man?
00:56:28I saw you kissing her on TV, you dirtbag.
00:56:30He got me under the mistletoe for two seconds. Big deal.
00:56:33It was more like five seconds.
00:56:36And they were good.
00:56:40Fal. Fighting Fal.
00:56:45How could you let that idiot give you a ride?
00:56:47I thought you left me high and dry. What was I supposed to do? Beam myself home?
00:56:51Allie, I was stuck in the desert. I couldn't get to you.
00:56:54I had no choice.
00:56:58Okay, forgive you.
00:57:08So, you still mad at me?
00:57:10Yo, if anyone should be mad here, it's me.
00:57:12Okay, because I've had to listen to non-stop Natalie Merchant, E.Z. Cummings.
00:57:16It's E.E. Cummings.
00:57:17I have been stuck in a Santa suit for two days, fighting off buzzards, dentures, and thugs in lederhosen.
00:57:23I'm tired, I'm hungry, I stink, and because of you, I'm not going to be home by six o'clock
00:57:27tonight.
00:57:29Why do you have to be home by six o'clock?
00:57:32What's that?
00:57:34You heard the question, why do you have to be home by six?
00:57:39Because that's when dinner will be ready?
00:57:41Ow!
00:57:42If you have even one decent chromosome in your DNA, you will not lie to me right now, Jake.
00:57:48All right.
00:57:51It's just that, if I get home by then, my dad's going to give me the Porsche.
00:57:58The Porsche.
00:57:59Allie, let me...
00:58:00Wait!
00:58:01So you didn't trade Cabo for me, you traded it for a car.
00:58:04It's not like that!
00:58:05You two deserve each other.
00:58:11Allie, wait.
00:58:13Will you just stop and listen to me?
00:58:15Look, if I had to do it all over again, I probably wouldn't mention the stupid car.
00:58:20What?
00:58:21I was kidding!
00:58:22You don't care about anybody but yourself.
00:58:24You're a manipulator and a liar.
00:58:26I am not a liar.
00:58:27Hey, wait a minute.
00:58:28You're the girl who needs the transplant?
00:58:30Is that what Santa told you?
00:58:33Uh-huh.
00:58:35Right.
00:58:36I'm taking his place on the bus.
00:58:38No, wait.
00:58:38Allie, give me another chance.
00:58:40Why?
00:58:41Because I care about you.
00:58:43You gotta believe me.
00:58:45Santa, if you showed up on my doorstep in a one-horse open sleigh, I wouldn't believe you.
00:58:50Allie, I'm sorry.
00:58:52You know, I can't take fake remorse from a fake Santa making fake apologies.
00:58:56You might be a fake boyfriend, Jake, but I'll tell you one thing.
00:59:00You're a genuine butthole.
00:59:05Bye, Santa.
00:59:26I got a road.
00:59:28The one I love is gone.
00:59:31I got a road.
00:59:34Oh, man.
00:59:35I've seen guys get dumped before, but that was nuclear.
00:59:37I mean, she wasn't even aiming at me, and I'm gonna be walking funny for like a week.
00:59:41How do girls do that?
00:59:42I don't know.
00:59:43It's like that whole chick verbal skills thing.
00:59:45It's deadly.
00:59:47Oh, man, you know what?
00:59:48I gotta tell you, bro, I would have never thought I'd ever help you out.
00:59:52After that massacre, man, I just wouldn't be human.
00:59:55God, I never thought I'd be driving home with you either.
00:59:57It's pretty wild.
00:59:58Oh, it sure is.
01:00:00All right, now I get home in time to get the Porsche.
01:00:02I'll drive it back to school in January, figure out how to get Allie back.
01:00:05Everything's gonna be great.
01:00:07Thanks, Edman.
01:00:10Sure.
01:00:12Sure.
01:00:13Sure.
01:00:15Sure.
01:00:15Sure.
01:00:16Sure.
01:00:17Get out.
01:00:17What?
01:00:19All that stuff you just said.
01:00:21I'm sorry, man.
01:00:22I just can't do that much good stuff for another person, you know?
01:00:26It'd be way bad for my rep.
01:00:27What are you talking about?
01:00:28I mean, what about that stuff you just said about being human, helping out another guy and me?
01:00:32Dude, I just took you to Wisconsin.
01:00:35Besides, what am I doing helping you out so you can get a Porsche and be cooler than me?
01:00:40Not very smart.
01:00:42Not very Eddie.
01:00:49Uh, you're, uh, gonna have to take that off first.
01:00:51Yeah, I know that.
01:01:05Father Christmas, just tell me what you want from me.
01:01:19Better hurry!
01:01:49It's called carbo loading.
01:01:51Best thing you can do before a race like this.
01:01:55Hi.
01:01:56I'd like a number, please.
01:01:57Okay, that'll be a $10 entrance fee.
01:01:59You know I nailed that in.
01:02:01Oh, okay.
01:02:02So we sent you a receipt.
01:02:04Yes, yes, you did.
01:02:06But, you see, here's the dilly.
01:02:08There was a house fire and everything got torched.
01:02:10You know, personal papers, family photos, that little clay handprint ashtray I made when I was three.
01:02:16Oh, tragic tale.
01:02:18I'll come to the kid.
01:02:20Hey, thanks.
01:02:21Jake Wilkinson.
01:02:22Jeff Wilson.
01:02:24Here's your hat and beard.
01:02:26You gotta have them on when you cross the finish line or you'll be disqualified.
01:02:29Here we go again.
01:02:34Can anyone in this race actually run?
01:02:37Well, Sparky Fanaloni won the state marathon ten years ago.
01:02:40That was before the two-pack-a-day habit and subsequent lung removal.
01:02:45Okay, let's go.
01:02:46Give us a run for our money.
01:02:48Kenyon?
01:02:49Yes.
01:02:51All Santas to the starting line.
01:02:54All Santas to the starting line.
01:02:58See you at the finish line.
01:02:59All right.
01:03:00Go Santas, go!
01:03:02Woo-hoo!
01:03:04Go Santas!
01:03:07Santas!
01:03:08For your mark!
01:03:12On your mark!
01:03:15Get set!
01:03:17Go Santas!
01:03:28All about the reindeer, you know you're the mastermind
01:03:34Run run, rudolph, run nothing too far behind
01:03:40Run run, rudolph, Santa's gotta make it down
01:03:58Hey jingle balls move your candy canes
01:04:18come on
01:04:19come on
01:04:20come on
01:04:21come on
01:04:22want a cookie?
01:04:24that's it
01:04:25come on
01:04:30oh
01:04:31oh
01:04:32oh
01:04:33oh
01:04:34oh
01:04:37oh
01:04:38oh
01:04:38oh
01:04:38oh
01:04:38oh
01:04:39oh
01:04:39oh
01:04:56well that's the end of that
01:05:02or not
01:05:04here you go easy
01:05:06looks like it's just you and me now
01:05:08ready to make a run for it
01:05:09i was born ready
01:05:17oh
01:05:19oh
01:05:19oh
01:05:19oh
01:05:19oh
01:05:19oh
01:05:19oh
01:05:27oh
01:05:30oh
01:05:31oh
01:05:32oh
01:05:32oh
01:05:32oh
01:05:32oh
01:05:38oh
01:05:42oh
01:05:43oh
01:05:43oh
01:05:43oh
01:05:43oh
01:05:48oh
01:05:49oh
01:05:49oh
01:05:49oh
01:05:49oh
01:05:50oh
01:05:50oh
01:05:50oh
01:05:50oh
01:05:50oh
01:05:50oh
01:05:50oh
01:05:50oh
01:05:50oh
01:06:07oh
01:06:07oh
01:06:08oh
01:06:09oh
01:06:09oh
01:06:09oh
01:06:10oh
01:06:11oh
01:06:11oh
01:06:12Thanks.
01:06:15Thank you very much. Merry Christmas.
01:06:18Merry Christmas.
01:06:27Jake, Jake, thank God. Dude, they're gonna try to arrest me.
01:06:30They're gonna try to arrest me. Come down and meet me at the station, please, man.
01:06:35Taxi!
01:06:38Santa says take me to the airport.
01:06:48One-one-hundred, two-one-hundred, three-one-hundred.
01:06:56Hey there, all right.
01:06:58Hey, you're the kid who beat Mayor Wilson in the Santa 5K.
01:07:01Yep, that's me.
01:07:03Wait a minute, Mayor Wilson?
01:07:05Oh, you didn't know? Well, he wins every year.
01:07:07A lot of us folks wish he'd won this year, too.
01:07:09Yeah, he seemed like a good guy. Keeps the potholes filled, huh?
01:07:13Yeah, he keeps the potholes filled.
01:07:14He also donates his entire winnings every year to buy turkeys for people who can't afford them.
01:07:22He had to be the mayor.
01:07:28Can you turn around, please?
01:07:38I'll be right back.
01:08:01Hey.
01:08:04When did Santa start using the mailbox?
01:08:06Oh, didn't you hear about the new work exchange program?
01:08:10Postman should be coming down your chimney a little later.
01:08:13You got some place to go?
01:08:15Yeah, it's Christmas Eve. Who doesn't?
01:08:20I could set a place for you.
01:08:23No, thanks. I'll be fine.
01:08:27Jake.
01:08:29Merry Christmas.
01:08:31You too.
01:08:51Yes, operator, it's collect from Jake.
01:08:55Tracy, accept the...
01:08:58My, my, dear brother.
01:08:59You are sounding slightly stressed.
01:09:01Is it the bumblebees again?
01:09:02Look, Tracy, I'm not gonna make it home and I want you to tell Dad, okay?
01:09:06What do you mean you're not gonna make it home?
01:09:08Is this about Carolyn?
01:09:10No.
01:09:11It's about being stuck out here in the middle of nowhere with absolutely no money.
01:09:14The rate I'm going, I'll show up sometime in January, so Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and I'll see you
01:09:19around.
01:09:20Wait, what about the Porsche?
01:09:22What about it?
01:09:24Wow, you really must be in trouble.
01:09:27Would you fly home right now if you could?
01:09:30Uh, like, yeah.
01:09:31I've got at least four years of birthday money stashed upstairs in my ballerina bag.
01:09:35If I went to a ticket agent right now and bought you a plane ticket home, you'd make it in
01:09:39time for Christmas, right?
01:09:41You'd do that for me?
01:09:43No.
01:09:44I'd do it for Dad.
01:09:46Plus, think of the incredible pleasure I'll have holding this over your head for the rest of our lives.
01:09:51Okay, fine. Whatever you want.
01:09:52I'm near Madison, Wisconsin. I'll hitch a ride to the airport. I'll see you soon.
01:09:56Wait, uh, I don't have any ID. How am I gonna pick up the ticket?
01:10:00I know. I'll make up a secret password to go with your reservation that only you would know.
01:10:05Great. What's it gonna be?
01:10:06I am a smelly and revolting jerk who doesn't deserve to live and my sister is a mad cool goddess.
01:10:11Bingo. Wilkinson comma Jake.
01:10:14It's an unusual password.
01:10:16Unusual everything.
01:10:17So, what time's the flight leave?
01:10:18In 20 minutes. I'll need to see a picture ID.
01:10:21Well, I just gave you my password.
01:10:23That's right, sir, but I can't let you on the plane without proper identification.
01:10:26Then what was the point of my password?
01:10:28I don't make the rules, sir. It's just...
01:10:30Policy. I know. Thank you.
01:10:34Next.
01:10:37Oh, shit.
01:10:42Hi.
01:11:03Good Ringo.
01:11:05Merry Christmas to you too, Ringo. Good Ringo.
01:11:11Pater-a-ing-go.
01:11:12Pater-a-ing-go!
01:11:13Oh, shit!
01:11:21Oh, shit!
01:11:22Oh, shit!
01:11:22Hey! Hey, Billy! Get him!
01:11:24Get him!
01:11:24Hurry!
01:11:25Hurry!
01:11:26Holy! Come here!
01:11:27Get him away!
01:11:28Come here!
01:11:31Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
01:11:34Oh, my...
01:11:49Excuse me, come over here, please.
01:11:52Excuse me.
01:12:01Merry Christmas, Santa.
01:12:03Got a ticket?
01:12:03No.
01:12:08The station is parallel.
01:12:10Next stop, New Rochelle followed by Larchmont.
01:12:12Larchmont.
01:12:23Even a bribe couldn't get him home.
01:12:27He still has 15 minutes.
01:12:34Hey!
01:12:35Hey, hey, hey!
01:12:38Hey, lady, give me a ride, please?
01:12:44Hey, give Santa a ride?
01:12:47Hey, will anybody take me to Larchmont?
01:13:02Hey!
01:13:03Hey!
01:13:03Hey!
01:13:04Hey!
01:13:08Hey!
01:13:09Hey!
01:13:10Hey!
01:13:10Hey!
01:13:13Hey!
01:13:20Hey!
01:13:21Hey.
01:13:21Hey, hey, well, he's coming in here.
01:13:27Hey, hey!
01:13:28Hey, hey.
01:13:31Hey!
01:13:32Hey!
01:13:35Hey!
01:13:40Hey!
01:13:41Hey!
01:13:43Hey!
01:13:56package people do not unwrap yourselves i repeat do not unwrap yourselves you unwrap
01:14:04yourself you are out of my parade do i make myself clear
01:14:16hey hey all right what do you think you're doing hey buddy
01:14:26i could have swore i parked that sleigh right here
01:14:43all is right round yon virgin mother and child
01:14:55sorry
01:15:04come on jake you can make it
01:15:07come on
01:15:12whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa
01:15:15whoa
01:15:15Oh, my God.
01:15:48Nice ride.
01:15:50Thanks. Just got him back from the shop.
01:15:53Elves upgraded his shoes to the new Firestone radials.
01:15:58Not bad.
01:15:59Maybe you should have thought about snow tires.
01:16:04You know, you said even if Santa showed up on your doorstep in a one-horse open sleigh,
01:16:09you still wouldn't believe that I cared about you.
01:16:13So I don't expect this to work.
01:16:16But I gotta give it a shot.
01:16:18I mean, you know, I'm not the real Santa, and contrary to all appearances, this is not a real sleigh.
01:16:28But, Allie, for all the times I've been a genuine jerk,
01:16:33this is a real apology.
01:16:36If you'll accept it.
01:16:39I might.
01:16:45And this...
01:16:48is a real kiss.
01:17:10Come with me to my house.
01:17:11I have to be there in two minutes.
01:17:12Is this still about the worst?
01:17:13Just come with me.
01:17:14But I don't want...
01:17:15Don't trust me.
01:17:21Shepherds quake...
01:17:22I'm gonna go!
01:17:37Okay.
01:17:39Let's eat.
01:17:53What time is it?
01:17:56It's 5.59.
01:17:58You made it.
01:18:00Yeah, I guess I did.
01:18:03Tell me when it's after 6, okay?
01:18:06What do you mean?
01:18:07Aren't you going in?
01:18:08No.
01:18:09Not yet.
01:18:11But I thought...
01:18:12Shh, shh, shh.
01:18:13Just watch.
01:18:15Watch what?
01:18:18My family.
01:18:42Well, I guess it's about time I went home for Christmas.
01:18:46Care to join me?
01:18:47You bet.
01:18:58Hey, everybody.
01:18:59Merry Christmas.
01:19:02You made it.
01:19:07Hey!
01:19:08You made it!
01:19:10Glad you're here.
01:19:11Me too.
01:19:13Did you have a hard time getting here?
01:19:14Piece of cake.
01:19:17What's with this Santa suit?
01:19:19Long story, Dad.
01:19:21Hey.
01:19:21How are you?
01:19:22All right.
01:19:22Oh, you stick!
01:19:25Farting dog cargo hold longer story.
01:19:28Elsa.
01:19:30She's yours.
01:19:32But, Dad, I didn't make it home on time.
01:19:34Don't be silly.
01:19:34You were just a few seconds left.
01:19:36Here.
01:19:36No, no.
01:19:36Deal's a deal.
01:19:38Besides, she isn't ready yet.
01:19:40What do you mean?
01:19:41Well, we're not really finished fixing her up yet, are we?
01:19:44I mean, I'm sure it's going to take us a bunch more Christmases together to get all the work done.
01:19:49Don't you think?
01:19:51Yeah.
01:19:5230 or 40 at least.
01:19:5636.
01:19:58Excuse me?
01:19:59My sweater says I'm a 36 or a medium.
01:20:02Either will work.
01:20:04What's yours?
01:20:07Mine?
01:20:08Yeah, you know, for future information.
01:20:13Eight.
01:20:16Eight.
01:20:18I'll remember that.
01:20:21What the heck is that?
01:20:23That would be my parade.
01:20:25Ow.
01:20:25Excuse me?
01:20:26Excuse me?
01:20:36Wait!
01:20:37Wait a minute!
01:20:39That's our sled!
01:20:41That's the guy!
01:20:43Come on!
01:20:49Hey, buddy.
01:20:50You stole our sleigh.
01:20:52You're just so lucky you're wearing that suit.
01:20:56You know, a few days ago, I might not have agreed with you.
01:20:59Nice wings.
01:21:01Thanks.
01:21:02Took a sewing class.
01:21:04It shows.
01:21:06Peace.
01:21:07Okay.
01:21:09Come on, Santa.
01:21:10Give me a ride home.
01:21:10Let's all go for a ride.
01:21:11Come on!
01:21:13Oh, I love it.
01:21:14I've never been in a sleigh before.
01:21:15Well, you better be careful.
01:21:16It's a rental.
01:21:17Woo!
01:21:21Let this buggy rip, bro.
01:21:26Let it rip!
01:21:47Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays
01:21:57Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays
01:22:05We've been waiting all here for this night
01:22:11When the snow is glistening on the trees outside
01:22:16And all the stockings hung by the fireside
01:22:21Waiting for Santa to arrive
01:22:26And all the love will show
01:22:28Cause everybody knows
01:22:31It's Christmas time and
01:22:33All the kids will see
01:22:35The gifts under the tree
01:22:37It's the best time of year for the family
01:22:41It's a wonderful feeling
01:22:44And all the love in the room
01:22:46Don't look forward to the ceiling
01:22:47It's that time of year
01:22:50Christmas time is here
01:22:52And with the blessings from above
01:22:55God sent you His love
01:22:57And everything's okay
01:22:59Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays
01:23:02Oh yeah
01:23:03Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
01:23:07Happy Holidays
01:23:10Oh yeah
01:23:13The bells are ringing
01:23:16It's time to scream and shout
01:23:21And everybody's playing
01:23:23Cause schools are celebrating
01:23:25The special times we share
01:23:30Happiness cause love is in the air
01:23:35And all the love will show
01:23:37Cause everybody knows
01:23:39Cause everybody knows
01:23:40It's Christmas time and
01:23:42All the kids will see
01:23:44The gifts under the tree
01:23:46It's the best time of year for the family
01:23:50It's a wonderful feeling
01:23:53With the love in the room
01:23:54From the floor to the ceiling
01:23:56It's that time of year
01:23:58That time of year
01:23:59Christmas time is here
01:24:01And with the blessings from above
01:24:03God sent you His love
01:24:06And everything's okay
01:24:07Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays
01:24:12Merry Christmas
01:24:13Merry Christmas
01:24:15Merry Christmas
01:24:16And Happy Holidays
01:24:28No matter what's your holiday
01:24:31It's a time to celebrate
01:24:35Put your worries aside
01:24:38And open up your mind
01:24:41Cause you know I might find
01:24:43Your time is Christmas time
01:24:47Merry Christmas
01:24:49Merry Christmas
01:24:50Oh yeah
01:24:50Merry Christmas
01:24:51Merry Christmas
01:24:53Merry Christmas
01:24:54Happy Holidays
01:24:54Sing it everybody
01:24:55Merry Christmas
01:24:57Come on up
01:24:58Merry Christmas
01:24:59Let me hear you
01:25:00Merry Christmas
01:25:01And Happy Holidays
01:25:04It's a wonderful feeling
01:25:06With the love in the room
01:25:08From the floor to the ceiling
01:25:09It's that time of year
01:25:11That time of year
01:25:12Christmas time is here
01:25:14And the blessings from above
01:25:16God sent you His love
01:25:18Oh yeah
01:25:19And everything's okay
01:25:20Yeah, yeah, yeah
01:25:22Happy Holidays
01:25:24Come on up
01:25:25Merry Christmas
01:25:26Let me hear you
01:25:27Merry Christmas
01:25:29And Happy Holidays
01:25:32Merry Christmas
01:25:33Merry Christmas
01:25:35Merry Christmas
01:25:36Oh yeah
01:25:36Merry Christmas
01:25:38Yeah
01:25:38And Happy Holidays
01:25:41Merry Christmas
01:25:43Merry Christmas
01:25:45Merry Christmas
01:25:48Happy Holidays
01:25:50Happy Holidays
01:25:50Happy Holidays
01:26:06You
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