- 2 days ago
No Doubt (2019) [Full Movie] [Trending]Full EP - Full
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00:00:28You
00:00:31All right
00:00:32So
00:00:34Mano y Mano
00:00:35How many girls ask you if Picasso is your real name?
00:00:39One I'd like to talk about
00:00:41Especially since a lot of them argue with me when I tell them it is my real name
00:00:44Like how are you going to tell me what my name is?
00:00:46I think I know more about it than you do
00:00:50She's cute
00:00:52Got you 20 bones she has a kid
00:00:54How can you tell that from one inconspicuous photo?
00:00:57Always trust the bubbling stomach
00:00:59Why is your stomach bubbling?
00:01:01Just scroll
00:01:06Ew, Maddie, you're right
00:01:09Of all the photos you're going to post of your kid
00:01:11Why would you post the one directly after you gave birth?
00:01:14She looks hideous
00:01:15I guess she was going for the natural beauty thing
00:01:17Nothing beautiful about that
00:01:19Is that her placenta?
00:01:21Gladly swiping left
00:01:23Wait, wait, wait, wait
00:01:24Okay, which one is she?
00:01:26Every photo is her with the same four girls
00:01:29I'm trying to find this right now
00:01:31And she wants to play Where's Fucking Waldo?
00:01:33I detest that shit
00:01:34You know when girls do that?
00:01:35It's usually because they're the ugliest one out of their group of friends
00:01:38Then it must be this one
00:01:41Duff, you have been spotted
00:01:43Ooh, she looks like fucking Beetlejuice
00:01:47She does
00:01:47To the left
00:01:50To the left
00:01:51Oh yeah, you're 25
00:01:5325 times 2
00:01:57Oh, here we go
00:01:58Officially head over heels
00:02:00Check it out
00:02:00Close up of her eye
00:02:02And
00:02:02Yep, that's her only photo
00:02:04Who wouldn't want to swipe right?
00:02:07Beats me
00:02:10Oh, hold on
00:02:10Let me see something
00:02:13You've got quite a few messages
00:02:16Master Picasso
00:02:16A lot more than I thought you'd have
00:02:18Well, if you open up the conversation
00:02:19You'll see that they're mostly just lonely hey's
00:02:21That no one ever responded to
00:02:23You can't just say hey to these girls
00:02:25The second you match with them
00:02:27You gotta do something to show them
00:02:29That you're not just one of the millions of guys
00:02:30That want to make bacon with them
00:02:31But I do want to make bacon with them
00:02:33Well, you're not gonna put anything in the pan
00:02:34With a dry fucking DM like hey
00:02:37Every hot girl's DM
00:02:38Is 50% lewd messages
00:02:4050% haze
00:02:41You gotta find the middle ground
00:02:43You gotta do something unique
00:02:44Well, my haze did work on someone
00:02:47Oh, this girl
00:02:48Sissany
00:02:49Yeah
00:02:50We've been talking for like two weeks
00:02:51And I can actually keep a conversation going with her
00:02:54No lags
00:02:55No
00:02:55Pretending to be interested
00:02:56And it's a good deal
00:02:58And we text like every day
00:03:00You guys met in person yet?
00:03:02No
00:03:03Is a face-to-face meeting in the works?
00:03:06Nope
00:03:14Dude, what are you stop
00:03:15What is that for?
00:03:16That's for preferring to talk to an attractive young woman
00:03:18On your phone
00:03:19Than talking to her pussy lips in real time
00:03:21I've seen catfish
00:03:23And if I've learned anything from Neve and Max
00:03:25Is that anything that seems too good
00:03:26Really is too good
00:03:27Right now this girl's on a pillar, you know
00:03:30She's cool, she's chill
00:03:31And I don't want to ruin what we have by meeting her in person
00:03:34Like what if she's a guy?
00:03:36Or what if she is who she says she is
00:03:38But her real-life personality pales in comparison to her online personality
00:03:42When I'm not looking for girls to fuck
00:03:44I can just sit back, unwind, and shoot the shit with Sissany
00:03:50What the-what-stop!
00:03:51Stop!
00:03:52What the fuck kind of logic is that?
00:03:53This girl responded to your boring-ass hay
00:03:56And has sustained conversation with you for weeks
00:03:58She's pretty
00:03:59She clearly likes the same things as you
00:04:01Look, she's gotten a courage in the cowardly dog shirt for crying out loud
00:04:04This girl will fuck the potatoes out of you
00:04:06Yeah, but what if she's a catfish?
00:04:08What if she's not a catfish?
00:04:09Picasso
00:04:11Listen to me with both ears, alright?
00:04:14If you haven't at least discussed the possibility of meeting this girl in person
00:04:18By the next time I see you
00:04:19I will personally give you a vasectomy with a rusty safety pin
00:04:24Capisce?
00:04:26Her vagina is calling your name, dude
00:04:30Oh, Picasso
00:04:33Oh, Picasso
00:04:34Just give me that salami
00:04:36Just give me that sausage
00:04:38I can take it
00:04:40Come on, shove it in there, big boy
00:04:42Come on, shove it in there, big boy
00:04:43Come on, shove it in there
00:04:44Please, stop it
00:04:45Please, stop it
00:04:45Please, stop it
00:04:46You're a sex body
00:04:46Stop it
00:04:47Oh, my God
00:04:47Oh, my God
00:05:03Look, I graduated
00:05:05Get through anything
00:05:06If magic made it
00:05:07That's magic, ain't it
00:05:09Graduated from public school
00:05:10That's special
00:05:11And
00:05:11That's football teams
00:05:13Since 13
00:05:14They're football dreams
00:05:15Most people waiting
00:05:17On the sideline
00:05:18Waiting for one time
00:05:19In the limelight
00:05:20But tonight
00:05:21I'ma shine in the moonlight
00:05:23Made moves like Michael Jackson
00:05:25So it's time for action
00:05:26I go
00:05:27Graduated to a party bus
00:05:29I'm going to college
00:05:30I had enough
00:05:31Gonna live it up
00:05:32Pour a drink in the red cup
00:05:33Trunk white
00:05:34Gonna throw it up
00:05:34We're gonna celebrate
00:05:36We're gonna celebrate
00:05:40We're gonna celebrate
00:05:44All night
00:05:47All night
00:05:49We're gonna celebrate
00:05:56Oh, so many stairs.
00:05:59Well, technically, I can get shot anywhere.
00:06:01The fact that this is Inglewood should make a difference.
00:06:05It's actually not that sketch.
00:06:07It's pretty nice inside.
00:06:10Asshole.
00:06:12No, but are you sure you know the plan?
00:06:14Because you tend to have selective memory, and I want to make sure my plan is foolproof.
00:06:18Okay, sad face means call me so I can make an exit elegantly, and happy face means I can stay.
00:06:27Okay, thank you very much.
00:06:30Bye, bitch.
00:06:41You'll be fine.
00:06:44You'll be fine.
00:06:48You'll be fine.
00:06:51Yeah.
00:06:53I think you'll be fine.
00:07:09Hi.
00:07:09Hey.
00:07:14You're welcome.
00:07:44This is a fucking maze.
00:07:46Yeah, there's a side entrance that's closer to my apartment, but I thought for the sake of presentation, I might
00:07:51as well meet you in front.
00:07:52Well, you should know that I hate walking.
00:07:55If I could ride around in one of those electric shopping carts for the rest of my life, I would.
00:08:00Well, we don't have any electric shopping carts, but there's a few janky ones lying around that could push you
00:08:04in one.
00:08:04I might just take you up on that.
00:08:06But only if the cart's missing a wheel, and it smells like piss.
00:08:09Well, I'll see if I can muster up.
00:08:14How long have you been walking?
00:08:16Less than a minute.
00:08:18My feet hurt already.
00:08:19You really do hate walking.
00:08:21I did warn you.
00:08:23This hallway is kind of sketch.
00:08:25Yeah.
00:08:25I thought the same thing.
00:08:27Sometimes when I'm by myself, I turn around just to make sure I'm not being followed.
00:08:30Oh my god, imagine if you were.
00:08:32Like, Leatherface was just posted up at the end of the hallway.
00:08:35Like, what's up, bro?
00:08:36Uh, I think I'd turn into Usain Bolt.
00:08:40Not today.
00:08:43See, not me.
00:08:44I am one of those people that would royally piss off the horror movie audience.
00:08:48I just wait to be killed.
00:08:50I mean, what is the point in wasting Leatherface's time giving this illusion that I'm capable of engaging in foot
00:08:56chase?
00:08:57Nope, just cut me open.
00:08:58I can handle it.
00:09:00Sure about that?
00:09:02Nope.
00:09:03This hallway still reminds me of The Shining, though.
00:09:05Yeah, well, if they ever do another remake, they could do it right here.
00:09:09Isn't that infuriating, another remake?
00:09:12The Shining is one of those films that should never be remade.
00:09:15No one will ever come close to what Jack Nicholson was able to achieve.
00:09:20You were supposed to agree with me?
00:09:22I'm not really crazy about The Shining.
00:09:25Well, date's over.
00:09:26Oh, well, I just think it's overrated.
00:09:28And before you draw your sword, I'm not saying it's a bad movie.
00:09:31It definitely had its effective moments.
00:09:33But to say it was the greatest horror movie of all time, it's a trial over genuine horror.
00:09:40Plus, Kubrick put his team through hell.
00:09:43If a director can't destroy the mental health of their cast and crew, they shouldn't call themselves a director.
00:09:49Um, that's a problematic statement.
00:09:53So here's what I think.
00:09:55Remakes give filmmakers this opportunity to resurrect previously awful movies.
00:10:00I mean, I can think of so many shitty horror films that could be remade and enriched.
00:10:05But instead, people choose to remake the classics.
00:10:08The films that should have a do not touch sign on them.
00:10:12You can say that again.
00:10:12Do I have to?
00:10:19Oh, not too shabby.
00:10:21Not too shabby at all.
00:10:22This is the abode.
00:10:23I live in a shoebox compared to this.
00:10:27And you have a staircase.
00:10:28See, staircases and apartments to me are just like a fuck you to the rest of us studio apartment folk.
00:10:35Like, not one, but two of my floors are bigger than your entire living space.
00:10:39Oh, there's just a bedroom up there.
00:10:41It's not that great.
00:10:42But here's the test.
00:10:44How many bathrooms do you have?
00:10:46Two.
00:10:47Ugh, that is exceptional.
00:10:49So no one can blow up your bathroom because you have one down here for all your visiting bowel unloads,
00:10:54huh?
00:10:55You don't even use the bathroom down here, do you?
00:10:57Not really.
00:10:59You young guy have got it made.
00:11:02This apartment's not that great.
00:11:03I get that you're trying to be unpresuming, but this is a pretty sick pad.
00:11:10I do not see one blemish.
00:11:12Hmm, well then you haven't looked hard enough.
00:11:15Bring your eyes this away.
00:11:17Oh, hiya, destruction.
00:11:18What happened here?
00:11:20Bronx.
00:11:22Bronx as in the borough of New York City?
00:11:25No, Bronx as in my friend's dog Bronx.
00:11:28Oh, goddamn Gertrude.
00:11:29My friend Hutt got himself a husky, a very unwise decision.
00:11:33And why is that?
00:11:35Huskies are cuteness overload.
00:11:37Like, I need to stop whatever I'm doing and hug your face.
00:11:40No, the cuteness of a husky hampers people's ability to make sound decisions.
00:11:45My friend Hutt got himself a husky purely on the basis that it was his little wolfie pie, his words,
00:11:51not mine.
00:11:52Hutt got this dog and didn't read up on it.
00:11:55Huskies are balls of energy.
00:11:57They get bored easily, and when they're not stimulated, it's chewing time.
00:12:02But huskies are little wolfie pies.
00:12:04Oh, I'd love to have a husky.
00:12:06They're always so happy, and their fur is like, they're like little hairy marshmallows.
00:12:12Well, Bronx, the hairy little marshmallow, he'd be left alone in Hutt's apartment, and in no time he was tearing
00:12:18the place apart.
00:12:19And Hutt didn't want to get mad at the dog because it was his little pup pup.
00:12:23Hutt had to get a new couch, new curtains, new shoes, all thanks to Bronx.
00:12:29You get off Bronx's back, all right?
00:12:32Also, if you knew what he was capable of, why did you let him stay at your apartment?
00:12:37Especially since you don't seem like a dog person.
00:12:40I'm not a dog person, but I was doing a friend a favor.
00:12:43Hutt had to go on a business trip.
00:12:45Plus, Hutt had told me that Bronx was taking puppy training classes, so I thought I didn't have anything to
00:12:52worry about.
00:12:53I left Bronx downstairs while I went upstairs to bed, and the next morning, I saw that the little wolfie
00:12:58pie had snapped on my apartment.
00:13:01And the shedding?
00:13:02These guys shed like nobody's business, just white hair clumps everywhere.
00:13:07Turned my living room into an Alaskan winter.
00:13:10So, are you going to fix the wreckage?
00:13:13I got a guy coming next week, and Hutt gave me money to pay for the damages, but this looks
00:13:19terrible, doesn't it?
00:13:21Yeah, but it doesn't take away from how bitchin' this pad is.
00:13:25I'd still take your place over mine any day of the week.
00:13:29For a second, though, I thought those scratches were the result of a victim trying to escape.
00:13:35Mm-mm.
00:13:36Mm-mm-mm-mm.
00:13:37You're welcome.
00:13:39I tried to go along with the last girl who made that joke, but apparently I was too convincing because
00:13:44her whole demeanor changed, and she called the Uber with the quickness.
00:13:49Well, this is kind of American cycle-y.
00:13:53You know, a young guy living in a nice place by himself, nonetheless, right?
00:13:57Yeah.
00:13:58You could so be a serial killer.
00:14:01The same could be said about you.
00:14:03People always think it's the guy who invites the girl over to kill her, but what about the girl that
00:14:07comes over the guy's house to kill him?
00:14:10You're right.
00:14:11Femme Patels, they are out there.
00:14:13Online dating requires so much trust.
00:14:16My biggest fear is that I'm going to meet Justine, only to find out that she's really Justin.
00:14:23But the fact that I could be meeting someone that could possibly end my life or cause me great harm,
00:14:30something I don't think about as much as I should.
00:14:33Well, that's a reality I've experienced set on.
00:14:37Seriously?
00:14:37Seriously?
00:14:39Yeah.
00:14:42It was a little over three years ago.
00:14:44I met this guy on this app.
00:14:47It was on a different one I used to use.
00:14:49I don't use it anymore.
00:14:53But we'd been talking for a couple months, and I thought he was...
00:15:02I was trying to think of another word for Mr. Perfect, but whatever.
00:15:06He was Mr. Perfect.
00:15:07I should have known that Mr. Perfect is never Mr. Perfect.
00:15:13He was Mr. Perfect at pretending to be Mr. Perfect.
00:15:17But anyway, we decided to meet up, and I had the bright idea of inviting him over to my place.
00:15:25As soon as he got there, I knew that he didn't actually want to spend time with me.
00:15:29He just wanted to do the deed.
00:15:32Everything he said had something to do with sex, and I immediately knew this was going to suck.
00:15:42So, I wanted to watch a movie on my shitty little couch, but he insisted that we watch it on
00:15:47my bed.
00:15:48Another trap I fell into.
00:15:50But I just felt uncomfortable, and I thought, be nice, watch the movie, and maybe he'll go home.
00:16:01And not five minutes into the movie, he's kissing me and just being really rough.
00:16:08And I tried pushing him off, but then he just got stronger, and he made this really awkward eye contact.
00:16:15And he said, you want me to leave, right?
00:16:19Well, I will.
00:16:20Right after this.
00:16:24And here's the kicker.
00:16:28I didn't fight back.
00:16:31I didn't scream.
00:16:32I could have done anything in my power to get him off.
00:16:37I could have done all these things I always told myself I'd do if something like this would ever happen
00:16:42to me.
00:16:44But then I thought I could be the next headline on one of those Facebook articles.
00:16:52Woman raped and murdered by online date.
00:16:57So, I just lied there.
00:17:01And I cried.
00:17:04And I guess that turned him off because he got off of me and left.
00:17:11And then he blocked me, and I never heard from him again.
00:17:19I'm sorry.
00:17:20Things just got really fucking dark.
00:17:22Note to self, don't tell almost getting raped stories.
00:17:26And now I'm trying to make light of it.
00:17:28Oh, my God.
00:17:29There's no coming back from this, is there?
00:17:33Thanks for sharing that with me.
00:17:34And now you're thanking me.
00:17:37I don't even know what to say.
00:17:39Oh, my God.
00:17:40This is like something you share on the 15th date.
00:17:43No, it's...
00:17:45You're right.
00:17:45I don't know what I should be saying, but...
00:17:47That guy's the hideous fucking guy.
00:17:51Yeah, it wasn't a great time for me.
00:17:53I mean, I almost stopped online dating altogether, but it's like...
00:17:57If you get attacked at a grocery store, you're going to stop food shopping?
00:18:00No.
00:18:02No, I'm really not trying to make light of this.
00:18:05I just...
00:18:05No, you're fine.
00:18:09So I thought I'd give it another chance, and...
00:18:12I know most people in my position wouldn't do that, but...
00:18:16You're strong.
00:18:19Yeah, if you say so.
00:18:23Took me a long-ass time to get back here, but...
00:18:27Here I stand, and...
00:18:29Thankfully, since then, all I've had to deal with is harmless losers.
00:18:33I hope.
00:18:34I don't become one of those harmless losers.
00:18:36Oh, only the night will come.
00:18:38Okay, I know it'll get us back on track.
00:18:40You got any outpeak?
00:18:41Yes.
00:18:41What do you want?
00:18:42Bud Light?
00:18:43No.
00:18:45Budweiser?
00:18:46No.
00:18:47Sam Adams?
00:18:49No.
00:18:50Okay, what do you have?
00:18:51I have apple ale.
00:18:53Anything else?
00:18:57No.
00:18:58So, you asked me what I wanted when you already knew you only had one selection of alky.
00:19:03I was hoping you'd ask for apple ale.
00:19:05That's not even a real beer.
00:19:07That's like promising me a ticket to a Destiny's Child reunion concert,
00:19:11only to find out Beyonce won't be there.
00:19:14Michelle and Kelly are talented in their own right.
00:19:17In their own right?
00:19:18That was such a backhanded compliment.
00:19:20That's not what I meant.
00:19:21They are talented.
00:19:22The only thing they did was elevate Beyonce's eminence.
00:19:25They'd sing and dance circles around you.
00:19:27Well, of course they would.
00:19:28I'm not musically or rhythmically inclined.
00:19:30I think Michelle has a great voice.
00:19:33And so does Kelly.
00:19:34You cannot underplay their journey.
00:19:36Their journey on Beyonce's back?
00:19:39Technical foul.
00:19:40Okay, but who's the first person you think of when you hear the words Destiny's Child?
00:19:44Beyonce.
00:19:45No, I actually think of Michelle.
00:19:47Have you ever been thrown out of your own apartment?
00:19:49Picasso, the only reason Destiny's Child exists was to prepare Beyonce for the phenomenal solo career that she was destined
00:19:56for.
00:19:57That's all any boy or girl group is.
00:19:59They're meant to showcase how great the lead singer is so they can go solo and become megastars.
00:20:04Look at NSYNC.
00:20:05Who's the first person you think of?
00:20:06Justin Timberlake.
00:20:07No, JC.
00:20:09I always thought he had a better voice than J. Timms.
00:20:11J. Timms?
00:20:12What is he, your fucking golf buddy?
00:20:15Okay, fine.
00:20:16Forget NSYNC.
00:20:17What about Backstreet Boys?
00:20:18Who do you think of?
00:20:19Bryant.
00:20:20No, actually AJ.
00:20:22Okay, now you're deliberately disagreeing with me.
00:20:24You know I'm right.
00:20:26Okay, here we go.
00:20:28B2K.
00:20:28Who drove that group?
00:20:30Omarion.
00:20:31Yes.
00:20:32IMX?
00:20:33Marcus Houston.
00:20:35H-Town?
00:20:36Dino.
00:20:37Can you imagine what that feels like?
00:20:39To know the group you're in wouldn't be shit without the lead singer?
00:20:42Dino, you're millions of fans of probably just fans of the lead singer.
00:20:46Hmm.
00:20:47Wait, so did you still want that apalaya?
00:20:50I mean, since there's nothing else, fine.
00:21:05Thank you, thank you.
00:21:06Yep, yep.
00:21:10So what's the deal with your name?
00:21:12I gotta get to the bottom of this.
00:21:13What do you mean, what's the deal with it?
00:21:15Is Picasso your real name?
00:21:16I'm sure you've answered that a million times, but you've never answered me.
00:21:19My real name is Picasso.
00:21:21It's spelled like Picasso, but it's pronounced Pic-a-so.
00:21:25And who decided Picasso is the name for you?
00:21:28The legend goes that my mom had a list of names, and she didn't know which one to pick.
00:21:34And my dad was very, very impatient.
00:21:37Annoyingly so.
00:21:39Pick.
00:21:39Pick.
00:21:41Pick a fucking name, you trick-ass bitch.
00:21:44My dad would never talk to my mom about that.
00:21:46I was just taking some creative liberties.
00:21:48Okay, I think I know how this ends.
00:21:49Your dad kept telling your mom to pick.
00:21:52She got fed up and named you Picasso as a former rebellion.
00:21:55No.
00:21:56Picasso was actually one of the names on her list.
00:22:0024 years later, and I still don't know where she got it from.
00:22:03She swears it had nothing to do with Pablo Picasso, and she gets really upset when people say,
00:22:08Well, isn't his name Picasso?
00:22:10She's adamant that I was named Picasso, and I shouldn't let anyone call me Picasso.
00:22:15Well, wouldn't she be proud?
00:22:16I've been calling you Picasso all night, and you haven't corrected me.
00:22:19I won't correct anyone.
00:22:21I wish my name was Picasso.
00:22:22That's why I answered to it.
00:22:23Picasso sounds like the villain in an episode of Courage the Cowardly Dog.
00:22:26I could so see that.
00:22:28For some reason, I'm envisioning a spider-like scarecrow that comes to life and eats your happiness.
00:22:35Oh, I'd watch that episode.
00:22:37Bet your ass you'd watch that episode.
00:22:40So I have something.
00:22:42Why online dating?
00:22:45Because it's there.
00:22:46I feel like that's so generation-wide.
00:22:49We're too school for cool.
00:22:51We refuse to find romance the way our parents did.
00:22:54We have to do it technologically.
00:22:57Isn't that so ironic, though?
00:22:58That we're connecting with someone on a device that isolates us from any and everyone?
00:23:05I was so Jaden Smith just then.
00:23:07Wait.
00:23:07I have a Jaden Smith-ism.
00:23:09I wish I had a giant toilet to flush away the world's problems.
00:23:14Oh.
00:23:16If baby goats are called kids, can kids be called baby goats?
00:23:20Mm-hmm.
00:23:24Haircuts are cranial abortions.
00:23:28Are we reading books?
00:23:30Are books reading us?
00:23:34So what about you?
00:23:36Why was online dating the way to go?
00:23:37Phone's a safety net.
00:23:39Online, you can be anyone.
00:23:41You can say anything.
00:23:42If you get rejected by a girl, you can just block her.
00:23:45But if you get shut down in real life, you've got to wallow in that defeat.
00:23:48You can't just act like nothing happened like you can online.
00:23:52Yeah, but in the same respect, when you meet someone in person, even if they're not interested,
00:23:58they still have to acknowledge you.
00:24:00I mean, at least the manly person will acknowledge you.
00:24:02You're there in the flesh making your interests known, whereas online you get so many messages
00:24:08that people don't respond to.
00:24:10You know, there's nothing that compels people to give you a chance.
00:24:13Yeah, but there's thousands of options online.
00:24:15You'll get it in eventually.
00:24:18I didn't mean that.
00:24:19I was just like...
00:24:20Removes foot for mouth?
00:24:28Hello, nurse.
00:24:32Are you afraid of the dark?
00:24:34The complete series.
00:24:37That sounded unenthusiastic.
00:24:39Are You Afraid of the Dark is such a whatever show.
00:24:42When it comes to children's horror anthology, Goosebumps takes the cake.
00:24:45You think Goosebumps was a better show than Are You Afraid of the Dark?
00:24:48Sisini, I'm worried about you.
00:24:50It was light years better than Are You Afraid of the Dark.
00:24:53Ask anyone.
00:24:54Clearly you need a mental evaluation.
00:24:56If you're going to put Goosebumps over Are You Afraid of the Dark?
00:24:59I mean, on a crappy acting scale, sure.
00:25:02Are You Afraid of the Dark had less crappy performances.
00:25:06But come on.
00:25:07If we're talking about the nostalgia factor, nothing will trump Goosebumps.
00:25:12This is a series that won the kiddies over in television and literature.
00:25:17Mad props to R.L. Stine, all right?
00:25:19Nah.
00:25:20There's just something so accessible about Are You Afraid of the Dark.
00:25:23Here you have a diverse group of kids.
00:25:25Well, as diverse as you can get for a Canadian-based program set in the 90s.
00:25:30But these kids had their own little clique, the Midnight Society.
00:25:34And they sit around and tell campfire tales.
00:25:37What kid can't relate to telling ghost stories with their friends?
00:25:41The concept alone stole my heart.
00:25:44But Goosebumps was just so goddamn fun.
00:25:47See, there it is.
00:25:48Fun.
00:25:49I will agree that Goosebumps was funner.
00:25:51Or more fun.
00:25:53Why isn't funner a real word?
00:25:55It sounds like a real word.
00:25:57I think it sounds like a real word.
00:25:59Picasso, please focus.
00:26:01Goosebumps was fun.
00:26:02But Are You Afraid of the Dark was scary.
00:26:06That's why it will always fart on Goosebumps.
00:26:09The Goosebumps episodes, for the most part, were watered down.
00:26:13You could tell they were made for kids.
00:26:15But Are You Afraid of the Dark had zero chill.
00:26:19The villains were scary.
00:26:21The storylines were dark.
00:26:23And they had no problem ending a tale on a down note.
00:26:26They went there.
00:26:27I always appreciate kid content that doesn't censor itself.
00:26:32Because kids are basically pint-sized adults, right?
00:26:35We can handle the bleak shit.
00:26:38I'm just saying.
00:26:39If I had the choice to binge watch Goosebumps or Are You Afraid of the Dark?
00:26:44Look, I'm always going to go with Goosebumps.
00:26:47Even if my preference is solely based on the fond memories I have of buying as many Goosebumps stories as
00:26:54I could at the school book fair or watching the show on Saturday mornings,
00:26:58the happiness that Goosebumps brought me ranks it leaps and bounds above Are You Afraid of the Dark?
00:27:09I know what I wanted to ask you.
00:27:11How much is rent here?
00:27:12Uh, like 200-something?
00:27:14Fall off a cliff.
00:27:15You pay 200-something to live here?
00:27:16Uh, well, I own it.
00:27:17That's why.
00:27:18You're a homeowner?
00:27:20Yeah.
00:27:21You own a home.
00:27:23That is what homeowner means.
00:27:25Are you, like, low-key a millionaire or something?
00:27:28No.
00:27:29My grandfather built cars for Ford.
00:27:31He worked there for almost 30 years.
00:27:35He made some very nice money.
00:27:36And when he passed, he left me a little dough.
00:27:39A little dough to buy a fucking condo.
00:27:42How much did this place cost?
00:27:44No, you don't have to answer that.
00:27:46Wait, yes, you do.
00:27:47How much?
00:27:48It was not cheap.
00:27:50That's what I will say.
00:27:52So, what kind of car do you drive, Beamer?
00:27:55No, a Prius.
00:27:56A Prius?
00:27:57What's wrong with Priuses?
00:27:59Do you know how much gas you save with a Prius?
00:28:01Priuses are such anticlimactic cars, you know?
00:28:04They're also fugly and they're in abundance.
00:28:07I see, like, 40 Priuses a day and they always make me upset.
00:28:10Why?
00:28:12Prius drivers are so smug.
00:28:14Like, ooh, look at me.
00:28:15I drive the most fuel-efficient gasoline-powered car in the country.
00:28:18And that's not a good thing?
00:28:20No, it is.
00:28:22Then why so hostile?
00:28:24I don't know.
00:28:25I'll get back to you on that.
00:28:27Also, why are you driving a Toyota car when your grandfather put his blood, sweat, and tears
00:28:33into proudly serving the Ford Motor Company?
00:28:36You can probably get discounts on Ford products.
00:28:39Not at all.
00:28:40Well, you're still lucky.
00:28:42Not that your grandpa died.
00:28:43I'm sorry about that.
00:28:45But leaving you the inheritance?
00:28:47I wish my grandpa would die and leave me some money.
00:28:51Actually, I don't need the money.
00:28:52I just wish my grandpa would die.
00:28:54I don't like my grandpa.
00:28:56He can't say anything without yelling.
00:28:58He always spits when he talks.
00:29:00He can't say thank you.
00:29:02And he always smells like olives when he doesn't even eat olives.
00:29:05Isn't it interesting how in our old age, we revert back to infancy?
00:29:09We shit on ourselves freely.
00:29:11We drool when we're excited.
00:29:13Soft foods are marvelous.
00:29:15And we can say whatever we want without any backlash.
00:29:18I remember I was at the mall with my grandpa, and this really obese lady walked by, and my
00:29:26grandfather said very loudly, she got the nod of neck syndrome.
00:29:33Grandpa, what is nod of neck?
00:29:36And he said, no damn neck.
00:29:41The lady heard him.
00:29:43She turned around, looked at him, and then walked away.
00:29:48Now, if I had said that...
00:29:50She would have beaten the ambition out of him.
00:29:52Exactly.
00:29:53And that wasn't the first or the last time my grandfather said something crazy like that.
00:29:58Now, my mom isn't the best cook, but she tries.
00:30:02Every Sunday, she would make us breakfast.
00:30:05Pancakes, eggs, fruit, you name it.
00:30:08Now, her eggs weren't so bad, but her pancakes were a calamity.
00:30:14Now, my father and I, we never say anything about it.
00:30:18We just eat the pancakes and pretend they were the best flapjacks that we ever had.
00:30:24My grandfather came over one Sunday, and he ate the food, no problem.
00:30:29But after breakfast, my mom asked him how he liked the pancakes.
00:30:33And he said he would like them better if they didn't taste like hot shit.
00:30:38God damn, Gertrude.
00:30:40My mom didn't even get offended.
00:30:42She just looked at him, laughed, and walked away.
00:30:46I look forward to that.
00:30:48Just being an old dude who doesn't know how to censor himself.
00:30:50You and me both.
00:30:52I'm going to mow kids down in my electric shopping cart.
00:30:58I thought of our generation being grandparents, though, is a little scary.
00:31:02We don't have the same sensibilities our grandparents had.
00:31:05Sock hops, having to wait a whole week just to see a new episode of a TV show.
00:31:11Using landlines.
00:31:13Respecting our elders.
00:31:14Actually working to get what you want.
00:31:16Actually having talent to find success in the film and music industry.
00:31:20Having to meet your boyfriend or girlfriend's parents before you can actually call yourselves a couple.
00:31:25I think our biggest downfall are the pop culture figures.
00:31:29Our parents and grandparents grew up with legit legends.
00:31:33Who are we supposed to brag about to our kids or grandkids?
00:31:36Fetty Wap?
00:31:37Lil Yachty?
00:31:38Bieber the Boy Wonder?
00:31:39We have J. Cole, Bryson Tiller, and your girl Beyonce.
00:31:44We've got a few icons among us, but you're right.
00:31:47It's nowhere near as special as it used to be.
00:31:50This is making me sad now.
00:31:52Wait.
00:31:53Random realization.
00:31:55You grilled me about my name, but I've never met anybody named Sisany.
00:32:00Your name's pretty out there, too.
00:32:02Well, it's a pretty uninspired story.
00:32:05I was conceived in Sisany.
00:32:07That's pretty much it.
00:32:08Where's Sisany?
00:32:09It's in Greece.
00:32:10My parents were vacationing there.
00:32:13Things got a little frisky, and then nine months later, I was plunged into consciousness.
00:32:18The only difference is my name is spelled with an E at the end.
00:32:21Isn't that unpleasant that your name brings to mind your parents having sex?
00:32:24No.
00:32:25If my parents named me after the place where they got it on,
00:32:28I could never hear my name without thinking of my parents doing unspeakable things.
00:32:33You may have some things you need to work out, then.
00:32:39You are such a guy.
00:32:42I feel like I should be offended by that.
00:32:44No, that's not a bad thing.
00:32:45It's just your apartment is a guy's apartment.
00:32:48Minimal furniture, TV larger than necessary,
00:32:51and I'm getting a vision that in one of your cabinets,
00:32:54you have a family-sized bag of chips in it.
00:32:57Sour cream and onion?
00:32:59How do you do it?
00:33:01As good.
00:33:03So, what do you do for fun around here?
00:33:15Kobe.
00:33:16You lucky little shit.
00:33:17Is it luck to win seven times in a row?
00:33:19This is skill, Chica.
00:33:21No, reset that shit.
00:33:22Why are you doing this to yourself?
00:33:25Hmm?
00:33:31Three, two, one.
00:33:34Ray Allen with the shot.
00:33:36Booyah!
00:33:38Where's the sportsmanship?
00:33:39It is up my ass and down the street.
00:33:43You don't have to do that.
00:33:44I'll pick it up.
00:33:45Can you get me another ale, though?
00:33:47You sure can.
00:33:48Loser.
00:33:51Oh, goodness.
00:33:52Everywhere.
00:34:10Look what I found.
00:34:12This is actually impressive.
00:34:14You could easily get your rocks off of the internet,
00:34:17but you are taking it back to the old school with the hard copy porn.
00:34:21That deserves a slow clap.
00:34:25I actually forgot I had that.
00:34:27So, you're taking ownership, Ben.
00:34:29No cockamamie excuses?
00:34:31What could I say?
00:34:32Your friend hot left it?
00:34:34Nope.
00:34:35Tell me.
00:34:37You've had a lot of these?
00:34:38Not a lot, but there are others.
00:34:41More honesty.
00:34:42Good for you.
00:34:43One thing I will say is I don't always look through that for gratification.
00:34:48I also do it because I find something feministic about porn stars.
00:34:52You're doing so well.
00:34:53Now you're flinging shit in my face.
00:34:55I mean, doing porn isn't a glamorous line of work,
00:34:59despite the way it's advertised,
00:35:00but I still find something feministic about women in the porn industry.
00:35:05Yeah.
00:35:06Come in my face, Mr. Postman.
00:35:08What freedom fighters they are.
00:35:10Well, on a cursory level, it seems very demeaning,
00:35:15but these women are loaded.
00:35:17Loaded with semen?
00:35:19No.
00:35:20Well, yeah, but they're also loaded with cash.
00:35:23They get paid to screw.
00:35:26So, if you had a daughter and she ended up being a porn star,
00:35:29you'd support her?
00:35:31I wouldn't want that,
00:35:33but if she's of age, she can make a living however she'd like,
00:35:36as long as it's legal.
00:35:37You don't mean that.
00:35:38Look, women are sexualized every day against their will.
00:35:42Porn stars are totally and completely in control
00:35:45of what goes in or out of their bodies.
00:35:47They're not doing anything that they don't want to do.
00:35:50Yeah, but what about those videos where the dudes take it too far?
00:35:54They go way past their co-star's comfort level
00:35:56without an ounce of compassion.
00:35:57Those guys are dick shits.
00:35:59But for the most part,
00:36:00the porn industry has stipulations that are respected.
00:36:03I'm not saying that women should set their sights on doing porn.
00:36:06Of course not.
00:36:07I am saying those women that,
00:36:09for whatever reason,
00:36:10find themselves in that world,
00:36:12the ones with tough skin,
00:36:13the ones who know that they're more than just
00:36:15fat-tittied bimbo number two,
00:36:17they deserve recognition for paying the bills
00:36:19with the assets that they've been blessed with.
00:36:21The assets they were blessed with.
00:36:24Um, like, 90% of porn stars have
00:36:27fake asses, fake boobs, fake hair, fake lips, fake eyes.
00:36:32Well, they were blessed with the money to adorn themselves.
00:36:34Yeah, but why are they doing that?
00:36:36They're doing that to follow some beauty chart
00:36:39that was created by some fucking vermin
00:36:41who thinks he has the authority to decide
00:36:43what makes a woman attractive.
00:36:44Yeah, but they're doing what they have to do
00:36:46to stay in the game.
00:36:47Yeah, but in the end,
00:36:48it's the men who call the shots.
00:36:50Hardly feministic.
00:36:52But the face of porn,
00:36:54the ones that are keeping this industry
00:36:56as popular as it is,
00:36:57are the women.
00:36:58Yeah, but look at the side effects.
00:37:00You got those guys out there
00:37:01that only know how to relate to women
00:37:03by what they see on their computer screens.
00:37:06Did you forget what happened to me?
00:37:07You're totally right.
00:37:09I'm just saying that porn stars
00:37:10are just doing their jobs.
00:37:11You can't blame them for the dummies out there
00:37:13that don't know the difference
00:37:14between reality and fantasy.
00:37:16That's like watching Man of Steel
00:37:19and saying,
00:37:20oh, Superman can fly.
00:37:22So can I.
00:37:23You both tried.
00:37:24And they're dummies, like I said.
00:37:26But porn can be a means to better oneself.
00:37:29Like, look at that girl
00:37:29who did porn to pay her tuition.
00:37:31She used what she had
00:37:32to get what she needed.
00:37:34And that's awesome.
00:37:35I know a guy that has sex with grannies
00:37:37to keep himself financially satiated,
00:37:39and he's hailed for it.
00:37:41Female porn stars deserve praise, too.
00:37:43You have a friend that has sex
00:37:46with old ladies for money.
00:37:48That is revolting.
00:37:50Gotta eat.
00:37:51No pun intended.
00:37:52That pun was so intended.
00:37:54How old is this guy?
00:37:5624.
00:37:57Of course he is.
00:37:59Yet another generation-wide distinction.
00:38:02Only a 90s baby would mitigate his probity
00:38:05by investing in his dick.
00:38:06You act like prostitution
00:38:08and being a sugar baby
00:38:10are new professions.
00:38:11They've been around for centuries.
00:38:13I know that,
00:38:14but back then,
00:38:15people had to sell their bodies
00:38:17because they had no other way
00:38:18to provide for themselves.
00:38:19They also weren't proud
00:38:21of what they were doing.
00:38:22Does this guy enjoy
00:38:23having sex with grannies?
00:38:25Oh, yeah.
00:38:26Ew.
00:38:27Sex is for pleasure,
00:38:29not profit.
00:38:29I've always thought that
00:38:30any work that was legal
00:38:32was good work.
00:38:33And porn is legal.
00:38:35Prostitution isn't legal.
00:38:36It is in Nevada.
00:38:37Being a sugar baby
00:38:38isn't legal either.
00:38:39It actually is.
00:38:41The guy I told you about,
00:38:42he actually explained how it works.
00:38:43He hangs out with the grannies,
00:38:45but there's never an explicit deal
00:38:47to exchange money for sex.
00:38:48This guy,
00:38:49he's...
00:38:50he's pretty vulgar.
00:38:52He talks about sex a lot,
00:38:54but it's more than that.
00:38:55His sugar mamas take care of him
00:38:57and he provides them
00:38:58with companionship.
00:38:59Sex is just a bonus.
00:39:01Doesn't matter
00:39:02which way you frame it.
00:39:03Prostitution,
00:39:04sugar babying,
00:39:05porn,
00:39:06none of that's reputable.
00:39:08What is reputable?
00:39:10A job that requires you
00:39:11to keep your clothes on.
00:39:13You're in finance, right?
00:39:14Yeah.
00:39:16That's a real job.
00:39:17But it's not a job
00:39:18that I enjoy.
00:39:19Then why do you do it?
00:39:21Because it pays well.
00:39:23Look,
00:39:23a person like my grandpa,
00:39:25he worked to take care
00:39:26of his family.
00:39:27I don't even know
00:39:27if he liked working for Ford,
00:39:29but he did it.
00:39:30That's the old school mentality.
00:39:31Work to provide,
00:39:32not work to enjoy.
00:39:34That's something
00:39:35our generation
00:39:35does get right, though.
00:39:37We don't do shit
00:39:37unless it makes us happy.
00:39:40I missed the memo, apparently.
00:39:42So,
00:39:43how did you get into finance
00:39:44if you don't like it?
00:39:48You're probably gonna think
00:39:49I'm flinging more shit
00:39:49in your face,
00:39:50but
00:39:51seeing a year of high school,
00:39:52I saw everyone around me
00:39:54latch onto a field of study.
00:39:56I saw everyone
00:39:58find something
00:39:59that they really
00:39:59connected with.
00:40:01I didn't know
00:40:02what I wanted to do,
00:40:03and
00:40:04I didn't want anyone
00:40:04to know that I didn't know
00:40:05what I wanted to do,
00:40:06so
00:40:07literally,
00:40:08I looked up
00:40:09the top ten
00:40:10most popular professions,
00:40:11I wrote them all down
00:40:13on separate pieces of paper,
00:40:15I put them in a hat,
00:40:17and I picked one,
00:40:18and
00:40:20started counting.
00:40:21So,
00:40:22you spent
00:40:23four years
00:40:24studying something
00:40:25you have no interest in?
00:40:26Yeah.
00:40:27I thought
00:40:28by the time I turned 18
00:40:29I should have found my calling,
00:40:30and when I hadn't,
00:40:31I was worried.
00:40:32Even now,
00:40:33I don't really know
00:40:34where I'd be
00:40:34if I hadn't done
00:40:35that college major raffle.
00:40:38I live my days
00:40:39as a chameleon.
00:40:40I go to work
00:40:42because
00:40:42that's what people
00:40:43my age do.
00:40:44I drink coffee
00:40:46because
00:40:46that's what people
00:40:47my age do.
00:40:49The only time
00:40:50I don't feel
00:40:50out of places
00:40:51when I'm sitting
00:40:51on my futon
00:40:52watching TV.
00:40:55That's why
00:40:55I salute
00:40:56porn stars
00:40:56and the people
00:40:57that you may call
00:40:58degenerates
00:40:58because
00:40:58at least
00:40:59they're doing
00:41:00what they enjoy.
00:41:02And
00:41:03speaking of
00:41:04doing things
00:41:04you enjoy,
00:41:05you're a dramaturg.
00:41:06I've never even
00:41:07heard of that
00:41:08before you,
00:41:09but
00:41:09it's something
00:41:10that you're keen on.
00:41:11You contextualize
00:41:13the world of a play.
00:41:14You're the bridge
00:41:15that connects
00:41:16the text,
00:41:17the actors,
00:41:18and the audience.
00:41:20Do you know
00:41:21what any of that
00:41:22means?
00:41:22Are you just
00:41:22snowballing the shit
00:41:23I told you before?
00:41:25A little bit of both,
00:41:27but I'm mostly snowballing.
00:41:29We're theatrical gurus,
00:41:31basically.
00:41:33We're critical thinkers
00:41:34to the highest degree.
00:41:36We take literary info,
00:41:38cultural info,
00:41:39artistic info,
00:41:40and
00:41:41symbolic info,
00:41:42though that's
00:41:43pretty much in line
00:41:44with artistic info.
00:41:45and we provide
00:41:46all of that
00:41:47to our team
00:41:48before and
00:41:49during the show
00:41:49and then
00:41:50sometimes after
00:41:51depending on
00:41:52how much of a
00:41:52mindfuck the play was.
00:41:54And you're working
00:41:55on an ecological piece
00:41:56now, right?
00:41:56The Shakespeare one?
00:41:57Yeah,
00:41:58we're doing an
00:41:58interactive adaptation
00:41:59of A Midsummer Night's Dream.
00:42:01There's no actual set.
00:42:03It takes place
00:42:03all outside.
00:42:04We're really
00:42:05playing with
00:42:06nature's role
00:42:07in this world
00:42:08that Shakespeare created.
00:42:09Whether he knew it
00:42:10or not,
00:42:11he really gave
00:42:12a voice to nature
00:42:13in the form of fairies.
00:42:14The forest is their home.
00:42:16The forest is what they know.
00:42:18The fairies,
00:42:19creatures that embody nature,
00:42:20they're the strongest
00:42:22characters in the entire play.
00:42:23And the fact that
00:42:24they're proficient
00:42:25in enchantment
00:42:27conveys just how
00:42:28dominant nature is.
00:42:30So we're really
00:42:31trying to bring
00:42:32all that out.
00:42:33I'd really like to see that.
00:42:34I can get you a ticket.
00:42:37But here's my thing
00:42:38about ecological theater.
00:42:40I saw this play once.
00:42:41I don't know
00:42:42what it was called,
00:42:43but it was about
00:42:43these two polar bears
00:42:44that were struggling
00:42:45to survive
00:42:46in a changing climate.
00:42:47One thing I could not
00:42:48get over was
00:42:49why these polar bears
00:42:51spoke like people.
00:42:52And not just any people.
00:42:53They spoke like
00:42:53characters in a mammoth play.
00:42:55Like F words and all.
00:42:57I think I know
00:42:58what play you're talking about.
00:42:59Ben and Bart.
00:43:00Sure,
00:43:01but if you really
00:43:02want to create
00:43:02an ecological theater piece,
00:43:04wouldn't it be best
00:43:05to show animals
00:43:06and nature
00:43:06as they really are?
00:43:08I mean,
00:43:08I understand
00:43:09what you and your team
00:43:10are doing,
00:43:10but that's different
00:43:11because you're working
00:43:12with material
00:43:13that already exists.
00:43:14But this Ben and Bart stuff,
00:43:17polar bears don't talk.
00:43:18This little buddy comedy approach,
00:43:21it diminished
00:43:22how serious climate change is
00:43:23and it humanized
00:43:25a very non-human narrative.
00:43:27It would have been
00:43:28much more compelling
00:43:29to let actors
00:43:30that actually look like bears
00:43:32move around the space
00:43:33and react to what's going on
00:43:35without talking.
00:43:35I'd be all for that,
00:43:37but most audiences
00:43:38won't pay to see
00:43:39something like that.
00:43:40That's why you see
00:43:41talking trees
00:43:42or talking polar bears.
00:43:43We try to wrap
00:43:45an ecological message
00:43:46into the play
00:43:47without the audience knowing.
00:43:48Then don't advertise
00:43:50them as ecological plays.
00:43:51Just call them plays.
00:43:53You got any food?
00:43:56I think some chips
00:43:57would make you happy.
00:43:58I think you're right.
00:44:00Okay, here's one.
00:44:02Kill, fuck, marry.
00:44:04Ooh.
00:44:05Meg,
00:44:06Princess Jasmine,
00:44:07and Princess Tiana.
00:44:09That is quite the roster.
00:44:10Okay.
00:44:11I would...
00:44:14It's not giving it to her, right?
00:44:16I would marry Princess Tiana
00:44:18because I really think
00:44:19she'd make me feel invincible.
00:44:21Sorry, Meg.
00:44:22Of course you'd kill
00:44:23the most underrated
00:44:24Disney princess
00:44:25in the world.
00:44:26What other princess
00:44:27gives you cynicism,
00:44:29beauty,
00:44:29and background?
00:44:30Still got to kill her.
00:44:31You're such an ass dragon.
00:44:33Okay.
00:44:34I was getting serious.
00:44:35Hmm.
00:44:36Prince Charming,
00:44:37Li Shang,
00:44:39and the beast
00:44:40in human form.
00:44:41Um, jeez.
00:44:43Okay.
00:44:43Kill Prince Charming.
00:44:44He's too much
00:44:45of a square for me.
00:44:46Marry Li Shang
00:44:47because I think
00:44:48he'd make a man
00:44:49out of me.
00:44:49And fuck the beast
00:44:51because he's a beast.
00:44:53Ah, that's a noble selection.
00:44:55Oh, yes.
00:44:57Ursula,
00:44:58Cruella de Vil,
00:44:59and Lady Tremaine.
00:45:01Ooh.
00:45:01I'd kill Cruella immediately.
00:45:02She's too skinny for me.
00:45:04I would marry Lady Tremaine
00:45:06and I would fuck Ursula.
00:45:08I'm swimming all up
00:45:09in that octopussy.
00:45:10Oh my God,
00:45:11you really just said that.
00:45:13Ugh.
00:45:14Okay, I get very involved
00:45:16in my play-discans, okay?
00:45:17All right.
00:45:18Jafar,
00:45:19Hades,
00:45:21and Gaston.
00:45:23Now,
00:45:23you'd think I'd fuck
00:45:24the muscle-bound Gaston,
00:45:26right?
00:45:26Hell no.
00:45:27He'd rather fuck himself,
00:45:29so I'm gonna kill him.
00:45:30Marry Hades
00:45:31because he's the ruler
00:45:33of the underworld.
00:45:34Can someone say
00:45:35sovereignty?
00:45:36And fuck Jafar
00:45:37because underneath
00:45:38that rough exterior,
00:45:40I think he'd be
00:45:40a generous lover.
00:45:41Now that deserves
00:45:42a slow clap.
00:45:44Wait,
00:45:44I have to do it with you.
00:45:46Okay.
00:45:47Okay.
00:45:48Okay.
00:45:49Okay.
00:45:49Okay.
00:45:55You sure you want
00:45:55to do this?
00:45:56Did you not hear me
00:45:57when I said
00:45:57I'm the Riddler?
00:45:58Okay,
00:45:59last chance to tap out.
00:46:00I don't need to tap out.
00:46:01I'm the Riddler.
00:46:02Are you really?
00:46:03Yes.
00:46:04As an only child,
00:46:05you have a lot of downtime.
00:46:07I read riddle books
00:46:08all day.
00:46:09That's not something
00:46:10I'd brag about.
00:46:11Whatever.
00:46:12I'm ready
00:46:12like SpongeBob,
00:46:14all right?
00:46:14Okay,
00:46:15you know what happens
00:46:15if you get one wrong.
00:46:16I do know,
00:46:17but that's not something
00:46:18that I need to worry about
00:46:19because I'm gonna
00:46:20ace this shit.
00:46:22Okay,
00:46:22coming at you.
00:46:24Five of the hardest riddles.
00:46:26Five of the easiest riddles.
00:46:28Number one,
00:46:29it's more powerful than God.
00:46:30It's more evil than the devil.
00:46:32The poor have it.
00:46:33The rich need it.
00:46:34If you eat it,
00:46:34you'll die.
00:46:35What is it?
00:46:35Nothing.
00:46:36I have two arms,
00:46:37but fingers none.
00:46:38I have two feet,
00:46:39but cannot run.
00:46:40I carry well,
00:46:41but I found I carry best
00:46:42with my feet off the ground.
00:46:43What am I?
00:46:44Come on,
00:46:45wheelbarrow.
00:46:46The more you take,
00:46:47the more you leave behind.
00:46:48What am I?
00:46:49Fingerprints.
00:46:49You can't handle me.
00:46:51What disappears
00:46:52as soon as you say its name?
00:46:54Silence.
00:46:55Last one.
00:46:55Come on.
00:46:56What type of dress
00:46:57cannot be worn?
00:46:59That was your last one?
00:47:00Really?
00:47:00You could have done better.
00:47:02Much, much better.
00:47:04An address.
00:47:08Okay,
00:47:09now I have a bonus one for you.
00:47:11That wasn't a part of the deal.
00:47:12I thought you were the riddler.
00:47:14Fine.
00:47:15Riddle my boots.
00:47:17Went to a football game,
00:47:18right?
00:47:18Mm-hmm.
00:47:19The quarterback threw a pass
00:47:20to the wide receiver.
00:47:22The wide receiver caught it
00:47:23in the end zone,
00:47:24but no guys scored a touchdown.
00:47:26How can that be?
00:47:27What?
00:47:28This has to be a trick question.
00:47:29Was there a penalty or something?
00:47:31No,
00:47:32it was a very clean touchdown.
00:47:33They're just wearing
00:47:34any guys on the field.
00:47:35That can't be.
00:47:36You can't score a touchdown
00:47:37without any guys on the field.
00:47:39I'm telling you,
00:47:39no guys were playing.
00:47:41Was it an imaginary game
00:47:43or something?
00:47:43No,
00:47:44it was a very real game.
00:47:46You gotta be pulling my leg.
00:47:49You can't score a touchdown
00:47:50without any guys.
00:47:52What are you talking about?
00:47:53It was an all-girls football game.
00:47:56God damn,
00:47:57Gertrude!
00:47:58Ha ha!
00:48:00Gonna do some relish.
00:48:03Mmm.
00:48:04I think we'll top it off
00:48:06with some chocolate sauce.
00:48:16One disaster on the rocks
00:48:17for the overconfident young bloke.
00:48:20Can I tap out now?
00:48:22I thought you didn't need to tap out.
00:48:23You're the Ritla, remember?
00:48:26Drink up!
00:48:27And if you're gonna bark,
00:48:28do it that way.
00:49:02We won't be doing that anymore,
00:49:04now will we?
00:49:05You fucking dummy.
00:49:33You okay?
00:49:34I am now.
00:49:36Nice barf fest.
00:49:38Oh, yeah.
00:49:39Yeah,
00:49:39I know all about that.
00:49:41At my old apartment,
00:49:42I accidentally ate a roach.
00:49:44How do you accidentally
00:49:45eat a roach?
00:49:46I was making food
00:49:47in my kitchen.
00:49:48I turned my back
00:49:49for like two seconds
00:49:50and the little dirt bag
00:49:52made a break for my sandwich.
00:49:53Of course,
00:49:54I didn't notice,
00:49:54so I put the other piece of bread
00:49:56on top of the roach
00:49:57and didn't realize
00:49:58I was sharing my sandwich
00:49:59until it was too late.
00:50:00I would have needed
00:50:01a tongue transplant
00:50:02after that.
00:50:03Oh, yeah.
00:50:04I was in the bathroom
00:50:04for the rest of the night.
00:50:07Was there at least
00:50:07a small roach?
00:50:08Oh, no.
00:50:09Small roaches
00:50:10were not welcome
00:50:11in my old apartment,
00:50:11only the big ones.
00:50:13These were the kind of roaches
00:50:14that could go to the bank
00:50:15and take out a loan.
00:50:16That's how big they were.
00:50:18As much as I loathe roaches,
00:50:21I'd rather eat one
00:50:22than drink that nasty shit again.
00:50:23I didn't think
00:50:24you were actually
00:50:25going to drink it.
00:50:26I thought you would have been like,
00:50:27I'm not drinking that shit,
00:50:28are you knocking futz?
00:50:29And I would have been like,
00:50:31okay,
00:50:32I wouldn't have drank it either,
00:50:33but you went above and beyond.
00:50:35You could have stopped me.
00:50:37I could have,
00:50:38but there's no
00:50:39entertainment value in that.
00:50:52What's this?
00:50:53It's a poke war.
00:50:54I'm at my wit's end.
00:50:56Make my day,
00:50:57twat scratch.
00:50:59Trench, trench.
00:51:01Yeah, you are.
00:51:02Yeah, you are.
00:51:06Oh, you got one.
00:51:07You got one.
00:51:08Oh, you're a class.
00:51:09I got you.
00:51:21Do you...
00:51:23Do you want some more chips?
00:51:27Yeah, chip me.
00:51:46Now, as much as I'd like
00:51:48to relive my childhood,
00:51:49there are some perks
00:51:50to being an adult,
00:51:51like soiling the things
00:51:53that made being a kid so great.
00:51:54I'm a huge children's show
00:51:56conspiracist.
00:51:57Me too.
00:51:58Let me hear one of your theories.
00:52:00Let me hear one of yours.
00:52:00I asked you first.
00:52:01I asked you second.
00:52:03Okay.
00:52:04I have one for Out of the Box.
00:52:06You remember that show?
00:52:07Of course.
00:52:09Okay, well,
00:52:09get ready to hate me
00:52:10because you're beloved
00:52:11Out of the Box.
00:52:13Glorified pedophilia.
00:52:15What?
00:52:16Look at the premise.
00:52:17A bunch of kids
00:52:18go and play in a box
00:52:19with a grown-ass man
00:52:20and a grown-ass woman.
00:52:22Tony and Vivian were saints.
00:52:24Were they?
00:52:25Did you ever ask yourself,
00:52:26what do they really want?
00:52:28And more importantly,
00:52:29did these kids' parents
00:52:31give Tony and Vivian
00:52:32permission
00:52:33to play with their kids
00:52:34for hours on end
00:52:35in a box?
00:52:37Unsupervised?
00:52:38I think not.
00:52:40I would have never gotten
00:52:41pedophilia from Out of the Box.
00:52:42Of course not.
00:52:44But who were Tony and Vivian?
00:52:46What did they do for a living?
00:52:48And why did they have
00:52:49so much free time
00:52:50to play with these kids
00:52:52alone in a fucking box?
00:52:54The whole
00:52:54come play with us ploy
00:52:56was just a way to
00:52:57lure these innocent children away
00:52:59so Tony and Vivian,
00:53:00these so-called saints,
00:53:02could have their way with them.
00:53:03That sounds like
00:53:04a defamation lawsuit
00:53:05in the works.
00:53:06What?
00:53:06These are just theories.
00:53:08Fictitious notions
00:53:09to help people like me
00:53:10who wish they could
00:53:11live in the 90s forever.
00:53:13Cope with the lost early years.
00:53:15If I ruin the images
00:53:16of my favorite childhood shows,
00:53:18cuts back on the sense of longing.
00:53:20I'm just having a little fun with you.
00:53:22I'm in the same boat.
00:53:23I know.
00:53:24So, tell me one of your theories.
00:53:26I have a Johnny Bravo theory.
00:53:29Let's hear it.
00:53:31Okay.
00:53:34So,
00:53:35I always found myself asking
00:53:37after watching Johnny Bravo
00:53:39why he never gets any girls.
00:53:41Yes, he's an asshole.
00:53:42Yes, he's arrogant.
00:53:44Yes, he lacks subtlety.
00:53:45But in the real world,
00:53:47how many girls go after jerks?
00:53:49A lot.
00:53:50So, every girl that Johnny
00:53:52has any type of interaction with
00:53:54always hates him?
00:53:55I don't buy it.
00:53:57Well, he did live at home
00:53:58with his mom.
00:53:59These girls don't know that.
00:54:01How could they know that?
00:54:03They're just meeting him
00:54:03for the first time.
00:54:04But, that's something else.
00:54:07Here's my theory
00:54:08on why he's so unlucky
00:54:09with the ladies.
00:54:10The Johnny Bravo that we,
00:54:11as audience members see,
00:54:13isn't the real Johnny Bravo.
00:54:15The real Johnny Bravo
00:54:16is short,
00:54:18bald,
00:54:18possibly smelly,
00:54:20rotund.
00:54:21See, in his distorted mind,
00:54:23he created an idealized projection
00:54:25of his inner self,
00:54:26the person he aspired to be.
00:54:28So, on the inside,
00:54:29he's tall,
00:54:30good-looking,
00:54:31strapping,
00:54:32the quintessential manly man.
00:54:35In the Johnny Bravo universe,
00:54:37the women that interact
00:54:38with Johnny Bravo
00:54:39aren't seeing the Johnny Bravo
00:54:40that we see.
00:54:41They're seeing
00:54:43a loser,
00:54:44his true self.
00:54:46I'll never look at Johnny Bravo
00:54:48the same way.
00:54:49That's all I wanted.
00:54:51So, tell me something.
00:54:53Is it true that girls hate it
00:54:55when guys send hey
00:54:56as the first message?
00:54:57I'm indifferent to the whole
00:54:59creative first message thing,
00:55:01but I do have some friends
00:55:02that get pretty flustered.
00:55:04Hmm.
00:55:05Is it also true
00:55:06that girls DMs
00:55:07are 50% graphically perverted
00:55:09and 50% bland as hell?
00:55:11No, it's more like
00:55:1380% graphically perverted
00:55:15and 20% bland as hell.
00:55:18So, what's the weirdest thing
00:55:20a guy said to you?
00:55:21Oh, I have a hall of fame
00:55:22of weird messages.
00:55:24Most of them,
00:55:24I don't like to repeat,
00:55:25but I did have this one guy ask
00:55:27if he could lick the back
00:55:28of my neck.
00:55:30What?
00:55:30Yep.
00:55:31He didn't lead into it,
00:55:33didn't prepare me
00:55:33for his creepazoidery.
00:55:35He just went for it.
00:55:36And usually,
00:55:37I'd block eyes like that
00:55:38immediately,
00:55:39but I was kind of curious.
00:55:41So, I asked,
00:55:42why do you want to lick
00:55:43the back of my neck?
00:55:44And he said
00:55:45he wanted to know
00:55:46what a champion
00:55:47tastes like.
00:55:50I hate people sometimes.
00:55:52Sometimes?
00:55:54Oh, and I can't tell you
00:55:55how many dick pics I get.
00:55:57I get one like
00:55:57every fucking day.
00:55:58I got one this morning.
00:56:00Shit.
00:56:01Have you ever sent
00:56:01a dick pic?
00:56:02Nope.
00:56:03That's not even
00:56:04a consideration.
00:56:05That shit travels online
00:56:07like an oil spill.
00:56:08I'm not going to lose
00:56:09my job because there's
00:56:10pictures of me
00:56:11and Mr. Pink
00:56:12floating around.
00:56:12Why is your penis
00:56:14called Mr. Pink?
00:56:16Because he goes
00:56:17in vaginas
00:56:18and vaginas are pink.
00:56:20Not all of them?
00:56:23Ew.
00:56:24So, what's the weirdest
00:56:26thing a girl's
00:56:26ever said to you?
00:56:27I once had this girl
00:56:29ask me if she could
00:56:30borrow $20,000
00:56:31to bail her dad
00:56:32out of jail.
00:56:33Are you serious?
00:56:34Very.
00:56:35And I told her
00:56:36that I couldn't
00:56:36because I just spent
00:56:38$20,000 bailing
00:56:39my own dad
00:56:40out of jail.
00:56:41Drats.
00:56:42I also had this
00:56:43one girl ask me
00:56:44if I was interested
00:56:45in letting her
00:56:45stick a stalk
00:56:46of celery
00:56:47up my ass.
00:56:48God damn,
00:56:49Gertrude.
00:56:51My messages
00:56:51are split
00:56:52in four categories.
00:56:53The weirdy pants,
00:56:54the tireless
00:56:55spam bots,
00:56:56the racist bozos,
00:56:58and the chill chicas.
00:57:00Am I a chill chica?
00:57:01You are.
00:57:02I fucking better be.
00:57:04I think it's funny
00:57:06how online dating
00:57:07has become
00:57:08a legitimate way
00:57:09to make a connection
00:57:09with someone,
00:57:10but I still won't admit
00:57:11that I use it.
00:57:12You have no idea
00:57:13how true that is.
00:57:14I think like
00:57:15three of my friends
00:57:16know that I use
00:57:17dating apps.
00:57:18Because, I mean,
00:57:19yes, it's commonplace,
00:57:20but you still get judged
00:57:21so hard for it.
00:57:23Like, why are you
00:57:24talking to people online?
00:57:25That's so weird.
00:57:26You can't find
00:57:27a boyfriend online.
00:57:28Like, is it my life
00:57:30or is it yours?
00:57:32Please say that again
00:57:33for our listeners at home.
00:57:36Is it my life
00:57:38or is it yours?
00:57:40Tell it, tell it
00:57:41like a T.I.
00:57:43Give me some.
00:57:46Put your hand down.
00:57:47There you go.
00:57:48There you go.
00:57:49Oh, there you go.
00:57:50Do you like this?
00:57:52No, that's wrong.
00:57:53Yeah.
00:57:59Look at the puppy.
00:58:02My friend just sent me this.
00:58:04Look at his little ears.
00:58:07If you do not think
00:58:07this is cute,
00:58:08you have the devil in you.
00:58:10No, it is.
00:58:11I just don't understand
00:58:12why people go cuckoo
00:58:13for Cocoa Puffs
00:58:14every time they see a puppy
00:58:15or any other
00:58:15furry pint-sized animals.
00:58:17Because they're
00:58:18the cutest things ever.
00:58:19And they represent
00:58:20all that's good
00:58:21in the world.
00:58:22But here's what
00:58:23I'm trying to understand.
00:58:24People die every day.
00:58:27No one seems to care.
00:58:28But let a puppy die
00:58:29or a kitten die
00:58:30and it's mass hysteria.
00:58:32Did you not hear
00:58:33what I just said?
00:58:34Cute animals represent
00:58:36all that's good
00:58:36in the world.
00:58:37Their only responsibility
00:58:38is to be cute
00:58:39and fluffy.
00:58:40And let me hug
00:58:41your little functions.
00:58:43Is the baby voice
00:58:44necessary?
00:58:45Yes.
00:58:47Miss Popular.
00:58:49Okay, you want to see
00:58:50one of the messages
00:58:51guys send me?
00:58:52Here.
00:58:53That violates
00:58:54so many health codes.
00:58:56Welcome to my DMs.
00:58:57Sorry ZanziStan46
00:59:00but your ass
00:59:01is getting blocked.
00:59:02These guys are barbarians.
00:59:04I appreciate
00:59:05how disgusted you are
00:59:06but I'm sure
00:59:06you've sent
00:59:07your titillating messages.
00:59:08Nope.
00:59:09I'm the boring guy
00:59:10really.
00:59:11I usually start off
00:59:12with hey
00:59:13or
00:59:14what's your favorite
00:59:15TV show?
00:59:16I mean look at our
00:59:17combos.
00:59:18I haven't said
00:59:18anything too racy.
00:59:19That's actually true.
00:59:21You have been
00:59:22pretty racy tonight
00:59:22though.
00:59:23Because I'm comfortable.
00:59:25I have that effect
00:59:26on people.
00:59:27Okay, Colonel Comfortable.
00:59:30How many girls
00:59:30have you brought back here?
00:59:31Not including me.
00:59:33Well that certainly
00:59:34escalated.
00:59:35Look, the past
00:59:36is the past.
00:59:37I'm not going to
00:59:37hold anything against you.
00:59:39I'm just curious.
00:59:40I mean
00:59:41in total
00:59:42six girls
00:59:43have been here.
00:59:45One of whom
00:59:45was underage.
00:59:48Um
00:59:49I didn't do
00:59:50anything with her.
00:59:51I thought she was
00:59:5124.
00:59:52The second I realized
00:59:54that she was born
00:59:55post the Amanda show
00:59:56I made her leave.
00:59:58So
00:59:58one of the six girls
01:00:00you didn't do
01:00:00anything with
01:00:01what about the other
01:00:02ones?
01:00:03You're not even
01:00:04trying to approach
01:00:05this with any
01:00:06delicacy.
01:00:08Why not just ask
01:00:09what you really
01:00:09want to ask?
01:00:10How many girls
01:00:11have I slept with?
01:00:12How many?
01:00:13In my whole life?
01:00:15Four.
01:00:16Only four?
01:00:17Only four.
01:00:19You want to get
01:00:19specific?
01:00:21I was a virgin
01:00:22all through high school.
01:00:23I lost my virginity
01:00:24when I was 20
01:00:25and only had
01:00:27one other partner
01:00:28in college.
01:00:29After graduating
01:00:30I started using
01:00:31the dating apps
01:00:32and only managed
01:00:32to hook up
01:00:33with two girls.
01:00:34No game?
01:00:36Actually
01:00:36and I'm not saying
01:00:37this to brag
01:00:38my body count
01:00:39could have been higher.
01:00:40I had opportunities.
01:00:41So
01:00:41why didn't you
01:00:42get it in?
01:00:43I don't know
01:00:43any guys
01:00:44to shy away
01:00:44from sex?
01:00:46Why are you
01:00:47shaking your head?
01:00:48Because I'm going
01:00:49to sound like
01:00:49such a wimp
01:00:49after saying this.
01:00:50Let me decide
01:00:52that alright?
01:00:54I haven't had
01:00:55many partners
01:00:56because
01:00:56I guess
01:00:57I like the idea
01:00:59of being a Mac
01:01:00more than
01:01:01actually being a Mac.
01:01:03Now
01:01:03of course
01:01:04in the presence
01:01:05of my boys
01:01:06I've had women
01:01:06all around town
01:01:07but
01:01:08I want to return
01:01:09the honesty
01:01:10that you shared
01:01:11with me
01:01:11with a little
01:01:12honesty of my own.
01:01:13I say a lot
01:01:14of things
01:01:15but
01:01:16I'm not having
01:01:17sex like that.
01:01:18I mean
01:01:18I can be very
01:01:19sexually explicit
01:01:21with the things
01:01:21that I say
01:01:22but actually
01:01:23going out there
01:01:23and knocking them
01:01:24dead.
01:01:27the only person
01:01:28aside from you
01:01:29that knows this
01:01:29is my friend
01:01:30Hutt
01:01:31and even
01:01:32he gets
01:01:32the edited version.
01:01:34He thinks
01:01:35I've just
01:01:35hit a dry spell.
01:01:37He doesn't know
01:01:38my low number
01:01:39of sexual partners
01:01:40is
01:01:42purposeful.
01:01:45Alright.
01:01:46I give you
01:01:47full permission
01:01:47to rag on me.
01:01:48I just don't want
01:01:49you thinking
01:01:49that I'm just
01:01:50the average
01:01:51fuckboy
01:01:51cause I'm
01:01:52really not
01:01:52so.
01:01:53So does
01:01:54this mean
01:01:55your dick
01:01:56isn't really
01:01:56named Mr. Pink?
01:01:58His real name
01:01:59is Sheldon.
01:02:01But he has
01:02:01been known
01:02:02to answer
01:02:02to Mr. Pink
01:02:03sometimes.
01:02:05I don't know
01:02:06you're telling
01:02:06me the truth.
01:02:07What if this
01:02:08is just a line
01:02:08you feed
01:02:09all the other
01:02:09girls?
01:02:10I would do
01:02:10that.
01:02:12Even if I was
01:02:12trying to run
01:02:13game on you
01:02:14I wouldn't do
01:02:14it by downplaying
01:02:15the number
01:02:16of girls
01:02:16I've slept
01:02:17with.
01:02:17Why not?
01:02:18Sensitive guys
01:02:19are in.
01:02:19Nothing that
01:02:20I'm saying
01:02:20is a line.
01:02:21This is the
01:02:22real Picaso.
01:02:24Isn't there
01:02:25women's intuition?
01:02:27You have a knack
01:02:28for sensing
01:02:28the shit
01:02:30of the bull.
01:02:31Is there
01:02:32anything telling
01:02:32you that I'm
01:02:33being dishonest?
01:02:36I'm all
01:02:37talk.
01:02:39Truthfully
01:02:39the idea
01:02:41of hooking
01:02:41up with
01:02:41hundreds of
01:02:42girls
01:02:43kind of
01:02:44gives me
01:02:45anxiety
01:02:45but
01:02:46I wear
01:02:47the pimp
01:02:47hat because
01:02:48you're a
01:02:49chameleon.
01:02:52I've only
01:02:53been with
01:02:53five guys
01:02:54for the
01:02:54record.
01:02:55I haven't
01:02:56had sex
01:02:57in over
01:02:57three years.
01:02:58Been on
01:02:59some dates
01:02:59but nothing
01:03:00got physical
01:03:01not since
01:03:02Mr.
01:03:03Not So
01:03:03Perfect.
01:03:05Do you
01:03:05go to
01:03:05these guys
01:03:06houses?
01:03:07At first
01:03:07I vowed
01:03:08to keep
01:03:09meetings in
01:03:09public
01:03:09areas
01:03:10just in
01:03:11case I
01:03:11had to
01:03:11deal with
01:03:12another
01:03:12psycho
01:03:13but
01:03:14then I
01:03:15realized
01:03:16a lot
01:03:16of guys
01:03:17wear
01:03:17their
01:03:17Mr.
01:03:18Perfect
01:03:18masks.
01:03:19They say
01:03:20what they
01:03:20think they
01:03:21need to
01:03:21say
01:03:21to get
01:03:22the second
01:03:22date
01:03:23anything
01:03:24to get
01:03:24the final
01:03:25prize
01:03:25which is
01:03:26boom boom
01:03:26boom.
01:03:28When I
01:03:28finally got
01:03:29my zing
01:03:29back and
01:03:30stopped
01:03:30thinking
01:03:31every guy
01:03:32was a
01:03:32predator
01:03:32I
01:03:33started
01:03:34accepting
01:03:34invitations
01:03:35to houses
01:03:36which I
01:03:37know is a
01:03:37very unsafe
01:03:38thing to
01:03:38do but
01:03:39I think
01:03:40the best
01:03:41way to
01:03:42observe
01:03:42someone is
01:03:43in their
01:03:43natural
01:03:44habitat
01:03:44their
01:03:45home
01:03:46I'm not
01:03:47a complete
01:03:47lame brain
01:03:48I do have
01:03:48mace and
01:03:49other defensive
01:03:50materials on
01:03:51deck
01:03:51no I'm the
01:03:52scared one
01:03:53just what I
01:03:54wanted
01:03:56okay I
01:03:57want to see
01:03:57something I
01:03:58want to see
01:03:59your best
01:04:00fuck boy
01:04:00what
01:04:01act like
01:04:02I'm not
01:04:03me you're
01:04:04not you
01:04:05we're
01:04:05strangers in
01:04:06the night
01:04:07how would
01:04:07you approach
01:04:08me if
01:04:08you're
01:04:09actually
01:04:09the
01:04:09player
01:04:10you
01:04:10pretend
01:04:10to
01:04:10be
01:04:11isn't
01:04:12it
01:04:12too
01:04:12early
01:04:12for
01:04:12role
01:04:13playing
01:04:13shut
01:04:13up
01:04:14come
01:04:14on
01:04:14this
01:04:15is
01:04:15your
01:04:15chance
01:04:15to
01:04:15authenticate
01:04:16your
01:04:16smoothness
01:04:17I want
01:04:18to see
01:04:18you pick
01:04:18me up
01:04:19but I
01:04:20already
01:04:20got you
01:04:20to my
01:04:20apartment
01:04:21we're
01:04:21not in
01:04:22your
01:04:22apartment
01:04:23pretend
01:04:24we're
01:04:25in a
01:04:25cafe
01:04:26I'm
01:04:27already
01:04:27here
01:04:27drinking
01:04:28my
01:04:28raspberry
01:04:29ice
01:04:29latte
01:04:30you
01:04:30come
01:04:31in
01:04:31for
01:04:31your
01:04:31usual
01:04:32double
01:04:33espresso
01:04:33crumb
01:04:34cake
01:04:34you see
01:04:35me
01:04:35over
01:04:35yonder
01:04:36attached
01:04:36to my
01:04:37phone
01:04:37whatever
01:04:38does
01:04:38a
01:04:38big
01:04:39player
01:04:39player
01:04:39do
01:04:41you
01:04:41really
01:04:42want
01:04:42to
01:04:42do
01:04:42this
01:04:42I
01:04:43wasn't
01:04:43oddly
01:04:44specific
01:04:44for
01:04:45nothing
01:04:46okay
01:04:57okay
01:04:58cut
01:04:58can you
01:04:59not walk
01:05:00like you're
01:05:00about to
01:05:00backhand me
01:05:01I was just
01:05:01feeling out
01:05:02the character
01:05:03alright
01:05:03do it
01:05:04again
01:05:24hi
01:05:25hello
01:05:26what's that
01:05:28raspberry
01:05:29latte
01:05:29yes it
01:05:31is
01:05:32sweet
01:05:33drink
01:05:33for a
01:05:33sweet
01:05:34lady
01:05:35okay
01:05:35you're
01:05:36not
01:05:36good
01:05:36at
01:05:36this
01:05:37no
01:05:37no
01:05:37no
01:05:37no
01:05:37no
01:05:37let me
01:05:38do it
01:05:38again
01:05:38sweet
01:05:39drink
01:05:39for a
01:05:40sweet
01:05:40lady
01:05:41that works
01:05:41on some
01:05:41girls
01:05:42doesn't work
01:05:42on this
01:05:43girl
01:05:44start over
01:05:45start over
01:05:46but you're
01:05:46really not
01:05:47doing well
01:05:47oh
01:05:48everybody's a
01:05:49critic
01:06:08hey
01:06:09hey
01:06:09hi
01:06:12see you're
01:06:13enjoying your
01:06:13drink and i
01:06:14don't want to
01:06:14take up too
01:06:15much of your
01:06:15time but
01:06:16But I knew I'd kick myself later if I didn't come over and say something, even if nothing comes of
01:06:21it.
01:06:22I'm Daryl.
01:06:24You don't have to tell me your name.
01:06:25I'll just call you beautiful.
01:06:30I've seen you in here every day this week, coming in, drinking your latte, and I've always wanted to talk
01:06:36to you.
01:06:37But I'm sure you've got guys kicking down your door all the time.
01:06:40So the original plan was just to let you have this time to yourself.
01:06:44But seven times?
01:06:49I've seen you here seven times.
01:06:52Usually I don't believe in signs, but this can't be ignored.
01:06:56I had to come talk to you.
01:07:00Now, I'm not asking for your number, and I'm not asking you on a date.
01:07:05I just wanted to introduce myself.
01:07:08So I'm going to go over there and grab my double espresso and crumb cake.
01:07:13Then go sit over there, and if you wanted to join me, I would not mind that.
01:07:24Nice to meet you.
01:07:27Beautiful.
01:07:50Not too shabby, Daryl.
01:07:51Not too shabby at all.
01:07:52I'm not a wizard, but I got the magic.
01:07:57Saying shit like that is going to annul everything you just did, so no more of that, okay?
01:08:02Do I get your stamp of approval, though?
01:08:04I suppose.
01:08:06Then where's my reward?
01:08:07What do you want?
01:08:09Some heroin would be nice.
01:08:11Sure, let me just grab some from my purse.
01:08:14No, but there is something that I do want.
01:08:17And what would that be?
01:08:28Oh my God.
01:08:38You're terrible at being yourself, you know that?
01:08:42You know I wanted to kiss you?
01:08:44Duh.
01:08:44We've been leaning up to it for a while now.
01:08:46You should have kissed me when we were by the stairs.
01:08:48I know.
01:08:48I wanted to.
01:08:50That would have been a moment.
01:08:52I just...
01:08:53I usually like to ask girls before I kiss them.
01:08:55Why?
01:08:57I don't want to throw myself on someone.
01:08:59That's weird.
01:09:00You wouldn't have been throwing yourself on me.
01:09:03I wanted it, too.
01:09:04What if you didn't?
01:09:06That's what the mace is for.
01:09:09After you shave, do you slap on the aftershave, or do you dab it on gently?
01:09:13Dab it on gently?
01:09:15Of course you do.
01:09:17Sometimes you gotta throw caution to the wind.
01:09:19You talked about women's intuition, right?
01:09:21Guys have it, too.
01:09:23You knew I wanted to kiss you.
01:09:25You felt exactly what I felt.
01:09:27You should have just went for it.
01:09:38Much better.
01:09:39But next time, do it without us having to talk about it.
01:09:43Next time?
01:09:45Next time.
01:09:49Weren't we supposed to watch a movie tonight?
01:09:52I think we were.
01:09:53We still can.
01:09:55Young is the night.
01:09:56You want to pick?
01:09:57I shall pick the genre.
01:09:59Comedy all the way.
01:10:01Which comedy you want, it's comedy you'll get.
01:10:04I know exactly what to choose.
01:10:32This new edition of Big Bang creation up.
01:10:34I'm more this place than the headphones to turn on and start them.
01:10:37Flip my keyboard and say, beg your pardon.
01:10:40As I pursue to join the squadron.
01:10:42Astronaut is starting and starving.
01:10:43No comedy like Stevie and Harvey.
01:10:45Cause they did not regard me.
01:10:47Propulsion is a gold.
01:10:48Control is gold.
01:10:49Space is powered by produce.
01:10:51This fast food grab produce and go from low.
01:10:54Hopefully how we can go.
01:10:56And the people of Earth are so low.
01:10:59And I'm just an alien awaiting them.
01:11:01In a starship.
01:11:03From the motherland.
01:11:04In another land.
01:11:05Just another man.
01:11:06The beat funky make a rock safe brother man.
01:11:09Like 70s sold by your future man.
01:11:11Where we go, where we go, where we go, where we go, where we go, up, we go, up, we
01:11:24go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up, we go, up, and where we
01:11:30go, up, we go, up.
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