01:00What do you guys do?
01:02Well, we install computer systems in grocery store chains and food manufacturers
01:07to align their inventory software with food banks and shelters all across the country.
01:11So instead of unused food getting dumped, it goes to people who actually need it.
01:16Got it. And what is a food bank?
01:20Maybe watch our video a few more times.
01:27Yeah, I look different.
01:29But hey, everything about me is different.
01:32I'm happy. I'm successful.
01:34I've learned to work productively with idiots.
01:37My life is fantastic now.
01:40You want to know how I did it?
01:42All I had to do is stay completely away from my family.
01:46Here we go!
02:00You know, I think you are finally beginning to thin out.
02:04These things have lasted for six months.
02:05You know, I can call back later.
02:07Come on, Dewey. You've seen this like a thousand times.
02:09It's just a normal human body doing normal human behavior.
02:13Undergrowth.
02:16How's the concert tour?
02:18It's fine.
02:19But I'm really sorry I'm not going to make your anniversary party.
02:22I'm sad too, but you cannot turn down a chance to play for royalty.
02:26I mean, what if Carl Gustav wants to give you a knighthood or a sword or something?
02:29Is Jamie going to make it?
02:30I think so. He put in for a leave.
02:31Towel! Towel! Towel!
02:35Trauma averted. Thank you.
02:39Hey, Dewey.
02:40Hi, Kelly. How's school?
02:41Beneath me. How's Sonia?
02:43Oh, um, it's not Sonia anymore. It's Lisbon.
02:46No! Annette! Anyway, she's good. We're really connecting.
02:49We're going to go shopping later. Do them want to come?
02:54Him can't come with we? Us has homework.
02:57Hey, he's trying. Don't mock him for it.
02:59I'm not afraid of you.
03:01That's not...
03:01I get good grades. I help around the house. I'm your only kid without a file at the police station.
03:06I'm untouchable.
03:07Yeah, well, it wouldn't kill you to tell your father you loved him every once in a while.
03:12I love you.
03:13Oh, that just sounds sarcastic.
03:15I love you.
03:17Nice and annoyed.
03:18Kind of do. It's your timbre.
03:21I love you. I love you. I love you.
03:23The middle one was nice. Thank you.
03:28So back in college, I completely turned my life around.
03:32Because I realized the less contact I have with my family, the less I act like a sociopath.
03:37I've become more patient, less angry, way more mature.
03:42Anytime I am around them, it takes me like two seconds to revert.
03:46For crying out loud, I speak fluent Spanish. I know how to say quesadilla.
03:50No, it sounded like you said cusadilla.
03:52Oh, no.
03:53You're like, quesadilla.
03:55Siempre hacen esto.
03:56Intentan con le guía a las personas por algo de lo que no sabes nada.
04:00Say exactamente cómo van a enseñar quesadilla.
04:02Quesadilla.
04:03That's it.
04:04That already said quesadilla.
04:12Grandma's television was plasma.
04:13I had to watch two episodes of frickin' Dexter with her, and it was obvious from the rich D. Black.
04:18You're insane.
04:19She bought that TV in 2015, right?
04:21There he has full array LEDs with the same picture quality for a quarter of the price.
04:26It's not showing off.
04:27It's a completely sensible, mid-price sedan.
04:30Why don't you just admit you're stuck up and shoving your shiny new car in my face to make me
04:34feel bad?
04:34Is this stuck up?
04:36Is this showing off?
04:39Is this me trying to make you feel bad?
04:42It's not them.
04:44It's me.
04:45Being around them.
04:46So I've arranged my life to ensure absolute minimum contact.
04:50My house is a two-layover flight for many one.
04:52I'm always swamped with work on holidays.
04:55But I also create the illusion of closeness with effusive e-mails and phone calls and birthday cards,
05:01saying how much I miss them and I can't wait to see them.
05:03It's really important to me not to hurt their feelings.
05:07Because then they'll make me talk to them about it face to face.
05:10Welcome to Huge Mart, where our deals are.
05:13We still need a 200 pack of votive candles and a thousand feet of ruby tassel garland.
05:17Oh, there's gold.
05:18No, 40th anniversary's ruby, not gold.
05:20Get in the game, Hal.
05:22Hey, lovebirds.
05:24I hid your mini disco balls.
05:26Thank you, Craig.
05:27They're in the clone aisle behind my signature scent.
05:32Which is Suave Sauvage, for him.
05:35Already got it.
05:37So, how do you like the new job?
05:39Well, my heart belongs to Lucky Aid,
05:42but after they denied my promotion in that mysterious, untraceable fire,
05:46I'm glad I found a new home.
05:48Lois, come quick.
05:49It's that famous celebrity you like.
05:56Oh, yeah, yeah.
05:59Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:03Never had much faith in love for miracles.
06:08Miracles.
06:10Never want to put my heart on the line.
06:16But swimming in your water is something spiritual.
06:23I'm born again every time you spend the night.
06:28Cause the sex takes me to paradise and it's your world.
06:36Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:38Cause you make me feel like
06:41I've been locked out of heaven
06:45For too long
06:48For too long
06:50For too long
06:52Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
06:55Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
06:56Yeah, yeah, yeah
06:58Can I just stay here?
07:01Spend the rest of my days here?
07:05Cause your sex takes me to paradise
07:09Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise
07:12Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise
07:15Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise
15:52Au moins, les chimpanzees.
15:57Il est sur YouTube.
16:08Une fois par semaine, il va se passer dans le front de l'hôtel,
16:11shirtless et flex.
16:13Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
16:18Vous allez voir quelque chose de choc.
16:22Hey, I'm proud of us.
16:24We actually got all the way to the bed before you went at it.
16:29Tristan, my girlfriend.
16:31I mean, it is so much more than that.
16:34She loves me.
16:35I know, it sounds like a lie to me, too.
16:41Now, how was your day?
16:42It was good.
16:43We won the Grosvenor Innovation Grant.
16:45I beat an AI.
16:47Dude, you don't have to keep proving how smart you are.
16:49I really don't care.
16:51Oh, except for my taxes.
16:53That was awesome.
16:54So what do you care about?
16:56I care that you always listen to me,
16:58and that you're supportive,
17:00and that you keep your promises.
17:03and mostly I care that you understand in a deep and complete way who I am inside.
17:12And you love me anyway.
17:15And I am so grateful for that.
17:18Jesus, I thought we were just doing banter.
17:23I gotta get one.
17:27She's gonna like me, right?
17:29Are you kidding?
17:30Leah's gonna love you.
17:32You're as worried as I am.
17:33What makes you say that?
17:33Because you know that if she doesn't like me, we can't move forward.
17:38I mean, eventually we'd have to break up.
17:40But I have so many plans to prevent that.
17:42Uh, mutual interest outings, weekly kindness days, shared journaling.
17:46There's one where you hold on to the end of a yarn ball,
17:48and you pass it back and forth to each other,
17:50and you keep saying nice things,
17:52and you keep throwing it
17:53until you guys are both tied up really tight together in the yarn.
17:58I'm betting on us.
18:00Look, you can make friends with anyone.
18:02I've seen it.
18:02And it's obvious how much we love each other.
18:04Leah's gonna see that, and she's gonna want to be a part of it.
18:06I don't know.
18:07When I was her age, I hated myself and everything in my field of vision.
18:11So shall I grow it?
18:12Can we wait for that?
18:14No.
18:14No.
18:16It is past time we did this.
18:17We're doing it.
18:19Okay.
18:20You're also honest and sincere and sensitive,
18:25not to mention in bed
18:27the way you combine enthusiasm
18:29and startling physical strength
18:33with a clear understanding of nuance.
18:36Yeah.
18:38Tristan likes green, so maybe wear your chinos.
18:41She went to private school, too, so you can talk about that.
18:43And politics just makes her upset.
18:47Louise, she can talk about them all day,
18:49but she loves rom-coms, so don't you say anything snotty.
18:52You can write this down if you want.
18:53I would, but my pen is busy doing actual homework.
18:57Sweetie.
18:57So when do I yell,
18:58I want my real mommy, and run out in tears?
19:01I'll surprise you.
19:02Please, this is important to me.
19:04Dad, I get it.
19:05It's your only chance for love,
19:06and I have complete control over your future happiness.
19:12Every parenting book says I shouldn't let you believe that.
19:19Kelly, where are you?
19:20What can I do?
19:21Are you okay?
19:21What's the matter?
19:22That I have to make up a lie
19:23to get my own brother to answer the phone.
19:25You have to promise me
19:26you'll come to mom and dad's anniversary.
19:28Kelly, I'm trying.
19:29Hey, listen to me.
19:30All they talk about is whether or not you'll be there.
19:32They're old, Malcolm.
19:33They could die any second.
19:35Decapitated in a car wreck.
19:37Slowly choking to death on a respirator
19:39from some lingering illness.
19:41Stabbed over and over by some drifter they took in.
19:43Clock is ticking, busy boy.
19:45You can do this for them.
19:46I am doing everything I can to be there,
19:48but my charity just has me so busy all the time.
19:50So you can figure out all this advanced infrastructure
19:52for hundreds of charities and corporations,
19:54but even after six months' notice,
19:56you can't plan half a day off?
19:58Wow, that's almost mom level.
20:01Okay, at their age,
20:02they're a little self-righteous,
20:03simultaneously overconfident and insecure.
20:07Validate their intentions and blow some smoke.
20:09Look, I am glad that you see
20:10how important this is for mom and dad.
20:12They are lucky to have you looking out for them.
20:14Other kids your age aren't half as perceptive.
20:17What? I'm on the phone.
20:19Okay.
20:20Look, I am so sorry,
20:22but I do have to get back to work.
20:23But don't worry.
20:25I'm sure I can be there.
20:26Love you.
20:26Hey, Linda, can you print me that report?
20:29With that one,
20:30you got to get in and out
20:31before they can think too much.
20:32How do you not allow glitter?
20:34You're a party venue.
20:36I just want a couple of handfuls
20:37for people to toss during our spotlight dance.
20:41Okay, so no glitter.
20:43Did our monogrammed cocktail stirrers
20:45with the little hearts,
20:46did they come in?
20:47No, no,
20:48they come with
20:49the Radiant Elegance Package.
20:53The Radiant Mystique Elegance Package?
20:55How much does that cost?
21:00Okay, let's do it.
21:02Such nonsense.
21:04I'm sorry to be taking all the attention
21:06away from your 40th birthday.
21:08Mom, I'm 39.
21:09I was born on your first anniversary,
21:11not your wedding day.
21:1439?
21:17Of course you are.
21:18Hey, how are you guys enjoying
21:19the new guest suite?
21:20The garage?
21:21Yeah, once we unpacked the bag,
21:23stomped a few spiders,
21:25got the plastic tarp off the bed,
21:26it was real homey.
21:27Me and Dad did all the renovations.
21:29Your brother's become
21:29quite the handyman.
21:30Well, it is great.
21:32A heads up,
21:33the toilet wasn't connected.
21:34Would have been cool.
21:35You know,
21:36we could afford a motel.
21:37Absolutely not.
21:38We love having you here.
21:39Besides,
21:40you've got to save up some money
21:41until you get a solid job.
21:42Mom,
21:43I've been there 15 years.
21:44I'm senior management.
21:45I have 75 people under me.
21:47That's 75 people
21:48plotting to replace you.
21:50And you need to retie your bows.
21:52They need to be droopy.
21:53They droop?
21:54They need to droop languidly.
21:57Look at your father's.
21:58Your knots are too crisp.
22:00Use baby hands.
22:01Why don't you criticize his bows?
22:02Those aren't languid,
22:03they're turgid.
22:04Dad likes me better than you now.
22:07Did you ever talk to Malcolm?
22:08No,
22:09we keep trading emails
22:10back and forth.
22:11I know he's doing good things,
22:12but he is going to
22:13work himself to death.
22:14I just got off the phone with him.
22:17he's not coming.
22:23Okay.
22:24We can do this.
22:25It's going to be great.
22:26Love you.
22:27Love you.
22:27Do you need to pee?
22:28No.
22:28Yes.
22:29No.
22:30You got the link.
22:31No, it's not.
22:34Leah, we're here.
22:38Leah, this is Tristan.
22:42Hey.
22:44Hi, Leah.
22:51Good, we're, we're easing in slowly.
22:53There's no rush.
22:58So, how much did he prep you?
23:06When you were four, you tried to scare Ms. Rachel into canceling preschool by saying her mold
23:10didn't look right.
23:14You have to twist your hamburger bun exactly three times so the condiments smear evenly.
23:21You refused an award from the state Young Sciences Challenge because you thought it would make you a famous nerd.
23:26You love being a physical therapist, but you are grossed out when you have to touch old people.
23:32You fly into a spitting rage if you do Wordle in three.
23:36Sometimes when you stand up too fast, you fart, and I have to ignore.
23:41I do, you don't.
23:43Now him.
23:45Has he ever told you about his reluctant move into politics?
23:50Oh, my God.
23:51So, one time I found a notepad where he wrote, assemblyman, congressman, lieutenant governor.
23:57And the thing, the thing with the actor shape.
24:06I've never been so happy to be humiliated in my life.
24:09It always does.
24:10This could be my family, my last checkbox.
24:13This is amazing.
24:14Malcolm, we are not doing this by email or text or over the phone or by Zoom.
24:19We are going to talk about it.
24:21No matter what you have to arrange, you are going to be at our anniversary with the rest of the
24:25family.
24:26Dad?
24:27Dad?
24:32You have a daughter?
24:34She's alive?
24:38What's happening?
24:44You made me do this!
24:46Malcolm, this family's non-stop anti-social behavior and mindless belligerence and myopic priorities are toxic to me!
24:53Every single bad thing that happened to my life is your fault!
24:56Getting away from you is how I finally stopped being such an asshole!
25:02Wait, so your biggest problem is that we exist?
25:15Thank you.
25:16Who are you?
25:17I don't know.
25:19How could you do this to your family?
25:21No, stop!
25:23You insisted on barging in on my home, okay?
25:26Without an invitation.
25:27So you can at least give me the courtesy to explain myself.
25:30Please, sit down.
25:34Woo-hoo!
25:37I don't want to win!
25:45No!
25:48OK
25:48I don't want to win!
25:51OK
25:54C'est parti.
26:25C'est parti.
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