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Transcript
00:08I was saving it for you oh you know we really should have taken a holiday like this a long
00:13time
00:14ago yeah well this is the best you've ever looked I gave you a little BBL I like my mermaids
00:19with
00:19some whale tail what the hell is going on here I said to bag the sand not playing it like
00:25children
00:26these are just the leftovers okay we ran out of sandbags after filling up every single one by
00:31the way which felt like overkill it's not overkill okay there's a biblical storm coming a once in a
00:36lifetime storm supposedly like a great man once said one day a rain may come and wash all the
00:42scum from these streets did you just call Travis Bickle from taxi driver a great man Travis was a
00:46Vietnam veteran and he knew the value of firearms and physical fitness storm's coming get back to
00:55work papadakis I prefer murmadakis I'm not about to call you murm stop looking at me
01:22hey the NATO base in Mons has flooded because of the storm and I told general Martin that she and
01:28her
01:28troops can come here and we will put them up oh your old hottie slumber party oh it's not a
01:34real
01:34slumber party and I don't care if their hotties are busted thank you Conway what's happening the
01:39colonel and I have been doing a generational cultural exchange I taught him busted and he
01:42taught me about something called credence clearwater revival very good Conway yeah the troops are on
01:48their way I want you guys to be aware of the fact you're gonna have to share quarters okay and
01:51sergeant Conway is in charge of the accommodation so she will assign everybody does general Martin have
01:55any special requests uh I think general Martin is all set sorry well I don't know what's going on
02:02here sounds like your Canadian girlfriend's trying to move in with you no yeah that's not what I said
02:07that's how it starts come over I got central AC next thing you know you signed in the name to
02:11the lease
02:12yeah I don't know what you're talking about trust me sooner or later general Martin's gonna be wearing
02:16her night guard to bed and letting her panties dry in the shower it's not okay not gonna be happening
02:22okay I just hope that you're ready to give up your side of the bed my side of the bed
02:26is the whole
02:27bed okay there's no two sides it's my side got it interesting fan interesting I'm your superior
02:34officer you're not allowed to mock me hi hi um you know things have been so busy since yesterday
02:55when we uh kissed kissed yeah that kiss was amazing it was something out of a movie yeah okay
03:02yeah it's the best kiss of my life so but we also thought like maybe you were gonna die yeah
03:07I'd die
03:07but so I guess there's only one way to find out yeah
03:19um that wasn't quite as good yes I remembered it yeah it's me it's me okay you know how like
03:27some
03:27people find sneaking around really like sexy yeah yeah well you know what I found really sexy what
03:30following the rules okay and I think that's what's happening here I understand um yeah but we want to
03:36do this we want to do this okay we got to do this yes just um work our way up
03:41to it work our way up to
03:41it come on in everything is normal in here the door is not closed for any reason at all we
03:48are good
03:48here how are you okay I'm not gonna say it's a good thing that there's a flood because thoughts and
03:59prayers to the tulip farmers obviously but it's not a bad thing that I'm gonna get more face time with
04:04general martin no I hope she's not thinking that this is gonna be some kind of a step for the
04:10relationship you know like step forward because I'm not really I don't want to take a step in any
04:14direction yeah you got to accept that it's a step really yeah because our relationship is like so
04:18sexy and fun those are the two things we're built on and scotch and and innuendo four things those
04:23are like that's our foundation it's just like drinking and messing around you know what I mean like
04:28I don't think even with an act of God that that would change have you ever considered that maybe
04:33God wants to two to be together okay you know I have Catholic stuff that's creepy for you to use
04:40that against me just bring him into my temporary office we made it now get me out of these damp
04:46clothes and pour me a scotch hurry see sexy and fun okay you know sometimes you just forget that
04:55you're my dad who's Catholic now
05:04captain since I'm still aidless I was hoping you could step into the role while I'm on base
05:09yes ma'am man I am not hating this flood
05:12yeah but thoughts and prayers to the tulip farmers I hate tulips captain I just saw a soldier in pajamas
05:19I told them pajama night was kin can can never happen what's next charades and s'mores it's
05:25snack time everyone some welcoming snacks for a lovely guest we got chocolate marshalos and
05:30graham crackers but I wasn't sure do you put ranch dressing on this or not I can never really
05:35get when you guys like ranch dressing on foot and when you don't
05:42so I guess we proved you can put maple syrup on anything pretty much right having a Canadian
05:48roommate isn't so bad is it oh sorry I thought we were calling it we can call it okay yeah
05:56let's
05:56call it okay if I don't use this thing I gnaw through my own jaw yeah yeah got it not
06:01a problem
06:02I mean you gotta do what you
06:18it's Saturday what do you want to do today
06:20uh Saturdays I um I have to sharpen my hunting knives and it takes a long time I've got to
06:26be
06:26really super focused so I have to be kind of by myself but what are you gonna do
06:29I was gonna watch some human cockfighting your case you what human cockfighting where
06:40oh wow this is a fun Saturday what do you think we were gonna do together go to Ikea
06:48oh man do we have any like softer one of these weapons I just I was I was led to
06:54believe that
06:55this wouldn't hurt in any way and like I guess we're just missing nap time how did that rather
07:01Zoftig fellow get into the army oh well corporal Papadakis has many extraordinary talents
07:08and hand-on-hand combat is not one of them
07:13but at least he's getting his nap time
07:1750 euro if you don't hit me yeah yeah fine 100 euro
07:21it's so great having real soldiers on the base you know what I mean it's just I haven't seen one
07:25pair of
07:26open-toe shoes but our guys are getting pummeled okay we got ourselves a negotiator fake Louis Vuitton
07:32luggage set oh my god you have interesting friends well they have unconventional skills
07:39yeah what about you are you interesting oh I am uninteresting good yeah because after the debacle
07:47with my last aid smoking something called Afghani trainwreck I need somebody totally by the book
07:52you got it oh wow by the book
07:58oh my real Louis Vuitton luggage set but that's my final offer
08:04so was it good for you listen all joking aside was it true what you said about that private's mom
08:09oh he sure cried like it was true he did
08:13I sure got hit in the head a lot yeah but you always got right back up
08:19I sure got hit in the head a lot
08:23is he going to be okay I don't know
08:26General Martin said we can't go to the medic unless we want to be diagnosed as weak
08:29your dad with General Martin equals disaster
08:33okay look it's only for a few more days so I don't know try to make friends tonight
08:37don't have sex with them or do I don't know I'm not your mom
08:40what
08:42so uh do you guys do that stick fighting thing every day
08:47no Sunday's it's paintball General Martin designed the wrong guns
08:52they are very powerful
08:54looks like it
08:56oh we have got to get our hands on those paintball gloves
08:58I sure got hit in the head
09:01and last
09:02come out
09:03come out
09:04come out
09:04come out
09:05come out
09:31We need to steal those paintball guns before tomorrow.
09:33Because unless General Martin made those paintball guns shoot mimosas,
09:36I am not letting that demon ruin my Sunday, too.
09:38Because General Martin's idea of fun is torture.
09:45Oh, I didn't find guns, but I think I might have found something else.
09:51Great. All I found were these Kennedy jawbreakers.
09:54Papadakis, that's not candy. Those are paintballs.
10:03Hey.
10:04Hey.
10:04What's going on?
10:05Nothing.
10:06I was just watching a YouTube compilation with Martin of old people falling down.
10:10And when they fall in water, we drink.
10:12So, pretty drunk.
10:13I'm going to grab some scotch.
10:15Wait, are the old people hurt?
10:16Not the ones who fall in the water, you know, as long as they can swim, which a lot of
10:20them can't.
10:21Anyways, I realized something.
10:22It's pretty cool, man. I'm liking having her around.
10:25It turns out when you like somebody the way I like her, and you take that little step, it can
10:29be a good thing.
10:30And I came to that conclusion on my own.
10:33I didn't need therapy like that family court judge said I did.
10:36Right?
10:36Yeah, I guess sometimes you've got to take a risk.
10:41Unless you're an old person on an escalator.
10:43Yeah, you just want to take the stairs?
10:45Huh.
10:46Okay.
10:47How are you doing?
10:47Thanks for asking.
10:48Yeah, actually, you know when you have these things swirling?
10:50Yeah, I got them.
10:52She's waiting on me.
10:52Oh, yeah, yeah.
10:53No, no, no.
10:53Yeah, yeah.
10:54You got to get back to watching old people.
10:55All right, pal.
10:55All right.
10:56See ya.
10:56No problem.
10:56Okay.
10:57If you get bored, you can come over and watch.
10:58I'm not going to do that.
11:02The key to disciplining soldiers isn't the yelling.
11:05It's the silence between the yelling.
11:07Huh.
11:07Because I just do the opposite.
11:09I just like, I rant for like, you know, a solid block, like six, seven minutes, and then
11:12I throw something.
11:13Ooh, what's your favorite thing to throw?
11:14Like a chair, you know, like Bobby Knight style, you know?
11:18It really gets their attention.
11:19This is interesting, though.
11:21Comparing notes.
11:21I like this.
11:22It's hard to be mean in a vacuum.
11:24Yeah.
11:26Who the hell is that?
11:28What is it?
11:29What?
11:30Hey.
11:30Who is it?
11:32Um.
11:33It's a personal friend seeking guidance over, I got my girlfriend pregnant, and she's in
11:39love with her best friend, and they're going to raise a kid together.
11:41I got it, hon.
11:43Listen, I found blueprints of the base in General Martin's office.
11:47I also hate paint.
11:48So, what's the deal?
11:50Maybe she was going to get a frame for me, like as a gift or something.
11:53These are the exact blueprints that Gideon was tricked into stealing.
11:55We never found out who was behind that.
11:57Maybe it was Martin.
11:59There's also plans for a remodel of the base.
12:04Yeah, I think you can.
12:05Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:06So, what do we get?
12:07What are you saying?
12:07It's women tearing down women time, isn't it?
12:10Did you guys learn nothing from that human resources video I had you watch with the animated
12:13bears?
12:14Because it was all about that kind of stuff.
12:15Sir, your girlfriend is not being straight with you.
12:17You're going sex-plied.
12:18She is your girlfriend.
12:19I'm not sex-plied, but no, she is.
12:20You know what?
12:21Look at the bright side.
12:22You know, two moms means less responsibility for you, Papa Douglas.
12:25You know what?
12:26We'll talk about it more tomorrow.
12:27I was making that up.
12:28I was making that up.
12:29You haven't been listening.
12:40Hey.
12:40Hey.
12:44Okay, wait, hey, wait.
12:45We got to talk.
12:45No, no.
12:46We're talking.
12:47No, we're talking.
12:47We're talking talk, okay?
12:51Hey.
12:53What do you think?
12:54Do you think we should remodel with T-FAC?
12:58No, I think it's fine.
13:01Yeah, me too.
13:03I mean, the only way a remodel would make sense is if you were going to double the number
13:06of troops.
13:07Then you'd bash out the back wall, you'd switch out the round tables for bench seating and
13:11expand the kitchen.
13:12But that's just off the top of my head.
13:14Right.
13:16How's the book?
13:18It's good.
13:19Just getting to the section on Pearl Harbor.
13:23Politics aside, you got to respect a surprise attack.
13:28Yeah.
13:29You've got me in my office on a Sunday.
13:32You'd better be World War III.
13:33I think if it was World War III, sir, you'd already be in your bunker.
13:36Is General Martin taking over my base?
13:38What?
13:39No.
13:39No, no, no, no.
13:39The U.S. Army is giving it away.
13:41You're just giving bases away now?
13:43What are you?
13:43That's nuts.
13:44No wonder you've never seen combat.
13:45When the fighting starts, I guess you just, what, surrender?
13:47NATO has made a massive weapons deal with the army.
13:50And General Martin wants a, you know, a training base in the region.
13:54So since Baumholder is a base of value, I convinced our superiors to throw in Strupdorf.
13:59You know, like free perfume with purchase.
14:01You know, your whole obsession with humiliating me is now reaching a really creepy, fetishy area.
14:08I'm not the one who invited your girlfriend to move in.
14:11That you did on your own.
14:14And now she is your boss.
14:19Oh, see, I wanted to capture that exact moment so that it'll pop up on my screensaver from time to
14:23time.
14:24Of course, because you need something to replace the pictures of all the kids you never see anymore.
14:28Oh, well, look who's talking.
14:29You know what, sir, I'm not going to let you get away with this.
14:31Too late.
14:32The wheels are already turning.
14:34Oh, and if you try to block it, you will be crushed.
14:37Oh, see, your eyes were closed.
14:40So let's try this again.
14:41How does it feel to be the only American to lose a battle with Canada?
14:46Oh, see, now that, that's a keeper.
14:49You know what, sir, I should give you a fair warning.
14:51You might want to get that bunker ready.
14:52I'm about to start World War III.
14:56Oh, there it is.
14:58Yeah, that, that's what we were looking for.
15:02Yeah.
15:02And I think I know why we found it.
15:05You do?
15:05Mm-hmm.
15:06Because I took a job with General Martin.
15:11She called me and offered me a position as her permanent aide at NATO, which, you know, comes with a
15:16move, but also comes with a promotion to major.
15:22Which is not in your chain of command, and we can do this.
15:31I didn't, uh, realize that when I, uh, submitted my retirement paperwork last night.
15:38What?
15:39Yeah, I, I mean, sometimes you gotta take a risk, right?
15:43I mean, I mean, this is crazy.
15:46Isn't it funny that we, like, gift of the magi at each other?
15:49That is crazy.
15:51We're so on the same page.
15:56Actually, we're not.
15:57We're not?
15:59Well, no.
16:01Look, I, I accepted a new job, like, 30 minutes away.
16:04Uh-huh.
16:04You quit your job.
16:07You gave up your whole career.
16:0920 years of service for a girl you haven't even been on a date with.
16:12Uh, you're welcome.
16:16Okay.
16:18Okay.
16:19Look, I've failed at every relationship that I've ever been in, right?
16:25Uh-huh.
16:25And you, well, you literally just got a divorce.
16:30We probably should have talked about this first.
16:32Yeah, we probably should have, but, I mean, I've been thinking about it, and I've been thinking about us a
16:36lot.
16:37Mom, I actually see a future for us, okay?
16:39I see, like, the house, the family wireless plan.
16:42Kids.
16:42Kids?
16:43Yeah.
16:43Would we talk about that?
16:44Or would you surprise me with some?
16:46I'm not gonna surprise you with kids.
16:47That's not how that works, okay?
16:48I have to go.
16:49I do.
16:50I, um, I'm helping General Martin prep her schedule, okay, as soon as I find my bra.
16:54Okay, dude, you don't need to do this, okay?
16:55You don't need to run away.
16:56Don't be like the colonel, okay?
16:57You don't need to avoid emotional conversations.
16:59We can talk through this.
17:00I am nothing like my dad.
17:04Don't do this.
17:04Don't just walk away.
17:05Let's talk about it.
17:06What do you want to talk about, huh?
17:07How to fit my Christmas tree up the chimney?
17:09Huh?
17:10I'm sorry you found out this way.
17:11I wasn't supposed to say anything until it was official.
17:13Oh, really?
17:13I've told you plenty of official secrets, okay?
17:15Like the fact that we have a sound cannon that makes people projectile vomit.
17:18And that was one of the most romantic dates of my whole life.
17:21Look, you have worked so hard making this base a success.
17:23Enjoy the spoils.
17:24NATO taking over can just allow you to transfer to a better base.
17:28You're right.
17:29Oh, my God, I didn't even think of it that way.
17:30You're doing me a favor.
17:31I should be thanking you.
17:32I'm going to send you some thank you flowers.
17:34Where should I have Sha send them?
17:35Oh, yeah, right here.
17:36Because you live here now.
17:37It's not personal, Patrick.
17:38Oh, it's very personal, okay?
17:39You Trojan horse me with two of my favorite things.
17:42Sex and human cockfighting.
17:43If you wanted to move in, you should have just asked.
17:46I'm not your enemy.
17:47God, I could be.
17:48God, you are already my enemy.
17:50My God.
17:51You know what?
17:52I'm just going to give you a heads up.
17:53I planted an alarm in here.
17:54It's going to go off very soon, loud enough to drive you crazy, but faint enough that
17:59when you look for it, that you won't be able to locate where it actually is.
18:05Oh, yeah, that's going to drive me nuts.
18:07Merry Christmas, Grinch.
18:10Really, this is all you got is the rosΓ©?
18:12I mean, rosΓ© is more about, like, quantity.
18:14That's why it comes in a box.
18:17I can't believe Martin thought she was doing me a favor.
18:20I can't believe Shaw thought he was doing me a favor.
18:22Crazy.
18:23It is insane.
18:24Does it sacrifice everything for our future?
18:27Like they're our saviors or something.
18:29It's insane.
18:29It's crazy behavior.
18:33You don't think there's a chance that we are self-sabotaging, Quinn style, so that we don't
18:39get hurt?
18:41No.
18:42No.
18:42Yeah.
18:43It's not us, honey.
18:43It's always them.
18:44It's them.
18:44It's them.
18:45That's the way they want us to think.
18:46I'm obviously not going to take the job with General Martin after everything that's...
18:50Have you learned nothing from working with me?
18:53Maybe.
18:53Career goes before family every time.
18:56So you are taking that job.
18:57Okay.
18:57Number one, you earned it.
18:58Number two, you deserve it.
19:00Thanks, Dad.
19:01Plus, it can't hurt to have a Quinn on the inside, find out what her next moves are going
19:04to be, and then, you know, frame her for selling military secrets.
19:08Wait, what?
19:09You know, see how you feel.
19:15Company!
19:16Octane!
19:17Hut!
19:18Our training exercise is on hold.
19:20The paintball gear has been stolen.
19:23Don't worry.
19:24I've been eating the evidence.
19:25Why don't you just steal a little paper?
19:27The guns were in my office, and only Stroopstorff's soldiers had access.
19:31Maybe it's a cat burglar situation.
19:32Mm, interesting theory.
19:33So what I'm going to do is keep my eyes peeled for someone very sexy wearing spandex.
19:37Well, don't look at me.
19:39The only thing I'm guilty of stealing is hearts.
19:41I am in charge of this base now, and I order everyone to be normal!
19:45Yes, ma'am!
19:47We will be normal!
19:49Normal.
19:49We will be normal!
19:50Wow!
19:51We will be normal!
19:53We will be normal!
19:53We will be normal!
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