- 7 hours ago
The Young Offenders S05E05 [Full Movie] [Official Release]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:03You hear a lot of mams going on about how being a mom is like a real job.
00:06But how hard is it really?
00:10Okay there's the pregnancy bit.
00:13Tony!
00:14And then there's the birth.
00:15But that's just popping it out.
00:18And I reckon I was actually the one who ended up doing most of the work there.
00:22And after all that you have a baby.
00:24And you get months off work where you get free money for doing absolutely nothing.
00:27Oh Jesus Christ he's eating my nipples red raw.
00:30You could try bottle feeding him?
00:32Oh yeah and have everyone tell me I hate my baby.
00:35No thanks.
00:35The whole thing seems like a bit of a scam really.
00:37Bottle you?
00:39Oh Christ's sake.
00:41Who's taking the pass?
00:43What are we going to do?
00:44There's nothing to be afraid of okay.
00:46I'm just going to tell her to calm down.
00:48No no no no.
00:49You want to be killed.
00:50You can't tell a woman to calm down.
00:52How are you going to auto relax again?
00:54Where is the suit?
00:55It'll be over soon.
00:56Her mam's coming to town and she's just a bit worked up.
00:59It won't last forever.
01:00Mam's mam?
01:01I thought she was dead.
01:02No she's not dead.
01:03She just left Mairead when she was a little girl.
01:06Starts a new family.
01:08Who put water in the pass?
01:11Hey Mairead.
01:12Hey Mairead.
01:13Conrad Jack.
01:14I can tell you're going through a little bit of a tough time here at the moment.
01:18And you're probably mad about that tough time.
01:22Yeah.
01:23But you think it would help a little if you just, if you just calmed the fuck down?
01:34They say getting your driver's license is a rite of passage.
01:38But really it's just 50 quid an hour to get honked at for stalling in front of strangers.
01:42But today's the day I can finally prove that I'm more than just a passenger.
01:45It wouldn't have good driving if it hit you in the face.
01:48I can't.
01:51Why?
01:52They have to fail a certain percentage boy.
01:54Everybody knows that.
01:55It's just like a statistic thing boy.
01:56No it's fine.
01:57No it's fine.
01:58No it's fine.
01:58You know what I just want to go to bed.
01:59I can't.
01:59We don't even need a driver's license to drive.
02:02I know.
02:04But I got it anyway.
02:06Shut up.
02:06I got it.
02:07You're joking me boys boy.
02:09Jesus.
02:10That's like Killian Murphy with your acting boy.
02:12Yeah what's my Oscar like?
02:14When you get a bit shy around you know.
02:15You're like the Taoiseach or something boy.
02:17Michael the Higgins.
02:17Jesus boy.
02:18The King of Ireland.
02:19Boy we can get drive-thrus now.
02:21Drive-thrus.
02:23Drive-thrus.
02:23Drive-thrus.
02:24Holy shit Conboy.
02:25Oh.
02:27You.
02:29You work with the Conor Roads.
02:31You deserve it my kid.
02:34Very classy.
02:35Here get your manky hands off them they're not for ye.
02:37Yes they are.
02:38It's my party.
02:39How is it your party?
02:40It's my party because we passed the driving test.
02:43We.
02:43Both of you did did ya?
02:45Well like I was sitting on the seat with the wheel but he was in my head so it was
02:48like it was a giant effort like.
02:49Exactly yeah.
02:50A rising tide lifts all the boats my head.
02:52What are you on about?
02:53He's talking about tides.
02:54Boats.
02:55When jock rises we all rise.
02:58Yeah.
02:58Alright well look who's this party for so if it's not for your award winning son?
03:02Passing a test designed for teenagers isn't exactly award winning.
03:05It is for you boy.
03:07And besides it's Bridget's birthday.
03:09What Bridget as in?
03:10Bridget.
03:10Bridget as in your mime Bridget.
03:12I thought you hated your mime.
03:14I do she's a self centered witch.
03:16She's a witch?
03:18Every time I look in the mirror I see half of her and I hate her so much I hate
03:21half myself.
03:23But if she wants the best party ever that's what we're gonna throw her.
03:26So you hate this woman so much that you're gonna throw her the best party you've ever thrown in your
03:30entire life?
03:30I am not giving her the satisfaction of having a bad word to say.
03:33We've had parties before like it's not that hard.
03:36Alright I'm off to pick up the witch.
03:38We can witch it.
03:39No you are not.
03:39We will witch it.
03:41We won't let's go get you.
03:41You might get to drive the car if I think about it.
03:44But she's actually a witch.
03:45Of some kind.
03:46I feel it.
03:47Aye.
03:49After all I really love you love you.
03:53Lads.
03:55After all that we've been true.
03:59Ho ho ho.
04:01Daisy goodbye.
04:02Let's go.
04:03Hey.
04:06We've had some crack in this car over the years haven't we?
04:09Do you remember the time that we went and held you with the fridge?
04:13And you thought we murdered a load of dogs with a hammer like.
04:17That was so good.
04:18Just a car joke.
04:19Ah come on though.
04:20It's not though is it?
04:20It's more than that.
04:22It's memories on wheels.
04:23Do you remember the time we went up to Dublin to go to therapy?
04:26And then the therapist told us that you were the one that was fucked up.
04:29Alright like.
04:30Can you believe that?
04:31The look on your face.
04:33You were like.
04:35I paid all this money for some quack to tell me that.
04:38That's a good one.
04:39That was class.
04:42Yeah.
04:44Right I think you're looking a little bit tired.
04:45Tired?
04:46Piss off jock.
04:47Stay to you.
04:48You have a face like the first pancake.
04:50You know the bad one that comes out all munted and shaked so they have to throw it out.
04:54Jeez that's a bit below the belt no?
04:56I just thought that maybe you could just do a little break from driving is all.
05:00Yeah we keep your thoughts to yourself.
05:02I think he's just a bit worried you shouldn't be driving in your condition.
05:05A condition?
05:06What condition is that?
05:07Our soul ladies.
05:08Ha ha.
05:10Sorry man.
05:11In all seriousness.
05:13He's right like.
05:14Yeah.
05:14I don't think you at the moment have the mental capacity to focus on the road.
05:18Yeah.
05:18You know thinking about your mamma no?
05:20That's serious stuff.
05:21Do you know what might be a good?
05:23Thought experiment.
05:24Thought experiment?
05:25Yeah.
05:26Did you learn that from the prison therapist was this?
05:28No mamma alright.
05:29Imagine alright that you've never met your mam and you're just on your way now to just
05:34make a new friend.
05:36So you can leave all the baggage at the door.
05:41Are you serious?
05:43Ma!
05:43Ma!
05:43Ma!
05:44Ma!
05:46What the fuck?
05:48What are you doing?
05:49That's obviously not what we meant like.
05:51I was my mam's baggage when she left me outside the car and she took off with a handbag full
05:54of freedom and selfishness.
05:56So what?
05:57We're just your baggage?
05:58Yes.
05:58You are my baggage.
05:59The type of baggage that has no value and I get stuck in it because nobody else wants
06:03it.
06:04The air is going as useful as a bag full of mickeys.
06:06Soft mickeys at that.
06:07Shush.
06:08No no no.
06:08Don't.
06:09Don't you shush me.
06:10Shush.
06:11We understand.
06:12Shush.
06:12Get in.
06:17Well he should be sleeping.
06:19I know that Mairead but he won't stay down.
06:21Arrows.
06:22No.
06:23Did you ask nicely?
06:25Airbag.
06:26Seriously Mairead?
06:27I have an airbag.
06:28Shush.
06:28I can't help from here.
06:30Animals.
06:30See the cows there?
06:32No.
06:33Healy what was that?
06:35I gotta go.
06:37I know but give me a flu.
06:38It is all around us.
06:41It is all around us.
06:43Come on boy use your brain.
06:44Come on.
06:44There's no more words beginning with A.
06:46I don't know.
06:47You only guessed like six of them.
06:48I can't think under this pressure.
06:50Healy.
06:51Why don't you tell me?
06:52That's what I said.
06:52Tell me.
06:52Why are these?
06:54Air.
06:55Air.
06:57Air.
06:57Tony.
06:57But you can't see air.
06:59Tony.
06:59Of course you can by us.
07:00It's all around us.
07:02I can't see air right now can I?
07:03I can feel the air.
07:04Healy what is going on?
07:05Will you answer me?
07:06You can feel the effects of air but you can't see air.
07:08No no no.
07:09Air is see through.
07:10You see through it.
07:11Okay.
07:12Why don't you call this thing?
07:15Why don't you call that thing?
07:16No no no no.
07:16That's not air.
07:18That's like saying.
07:19I spy with my little I.
07:19W.
07:20I'm picking water of A boy.
07:21How bad work man.
07:23Blames his tools.
07:24I spy with my little I.
07:25Somebody gave an A and an I and fuck.
07:27I am surrounded by adult children.
07:36What a kid.
07:39What a kid.
07:40She is like fine wine.
07:42What a kid.
07:42That's a bit of me though.
07:43She's right up your street man.
07:45She's stunning.
07:45Is she hot man?
07:46Stop hitting on your granny.
07:48Granny?
07:49Who's granny?
07:49Right up your street.
07:50No no no no.
07:51No no no no.
07:52No no no no.
07:52No no no no.
07:53That's not.
07:53That was granny.
07:54She's not hot at all but she might be.
07:57Bridget.
07:58Call me mom.
08:00That's the witch.
08:04Look at those muscles.
08:06You go to the gym or what?
08:08No boy.
08:10My mam said I was actually born with a six pack.
08:12Yeah all the doctors took photos of it in the hospital and all.
08:14Looks like a washboard to me.
08:16Yeah well he's full of shit alright.
08:17I swear to god.
08:18I was almost in the paper but I got bumped because they found a missing guard.
08:21Alright Jack.
08:22As if Jack.
08:23Be nice.
08:24Handsome lad like him he's gonna make a lot of money.
08:26Doing what?
08:27Being an escort.
08:28Conor.
08:29That is disgusting.
08:31Horse spit.
08:32It's just science.
08:33Good looking lads make more money.
08:35You wasn't even taught by best looking people in our school.
08:37Jailess fight.
08:39Relax.
08:39It's okay.
08:41Brides only hang out with brides.
08:45It reflects well on you too.
08:48Who says that?
08:49Everybody.
08:51Isn't that right Meraid?
08:53That's why she had such difficulty at school making friends.
08:57Weren't enough other middling children.
09:00Are you only middling Meraid?
09:01Woo.
09:02We are done here.
09:03Jack is too young for you.
09:04It's disgusting.
09:04He's basically like your grandson.
09:06No not by blood.
09:08Ah she got a point there.
09:09I mean it wouldn't be illegal now would it?
09:11No but that doesn't make it right.
09:12Yeah.
09:13It's still messed up all rightly.
09:14Spiritually.
09:15Yeah.
09:16Spiritually.
09:17So why don't you just stop trying to score with him and be normal for once.
09:23Over this way my lady.
09:25She didn't say down on yourself.
09:27Enough.
09:27That is a gorgeous Jackie.
09:31I'm gonna be your granddad boy.
09:32I'm not gonna be my granddad.
09:33For the days.
09:34I'm not calling you granddad.
09:35I'm gonna be your granddad.
09:37I'm your granddad boy.
09:38I'm your granddad boy.
09:39I'm respect me I'm your granddad.
09:44No no.
09:45What are you doing?
09:47Oh god.
09:50Oh god.
09:58So, how have you been anyway?
10:02Fine.
10:02No thanks to you.
10:05It's a fine day for a drive isn't it?
10:08Yeah.
10:08Yeah beautiful blue skies isn't it?
10:11Brilliant.
10:11God he's the dead spit of your father.
10:15You barely knew, Dad. You couldn't pick him out of a line-up.
10:17I stayed around long enough to have you, didn't I? What more do you want?
10:21Oh, no, no. That's plenty. Thank you very much. Thank you so much for having me and then abandoning me.
10:27Boy, I think we should block our heroes or something. This feels sort of private, no?
10:31I didn't abandon you, for heaven's sakes. I had to leave.
10:35You seem to do fine with that other family.
10:37Where are they now, anyway? Why aren't you bothering them for your birthday?
10:40I wanted to meet Neil.
10:42His name's Noel.
10:43Oh. Noel, Neil, whatever. He's still my grandson.
10:49Also, I don't speak to the others. We fell out.
10:53What?
10:54I stayed around for a bit, but then the Boomtown Rats went on tour.
11:00Well, you toured with them?
11:02I followed them around, yeah.
11:05He's very sick.
11:07Anyway, I wasn't meant to be a mother.
11:11Honestly, it's a shit job.
11:13No, that's what I say, too.
11:15I always say, be a dad.
11:17Much easier, more fun.
11:19Well said.
11:23What now?
11:23He took a shit in the bath.
11:25And?
11:25I didn't even know that was a thing.
11:28Oh, he's pissing on me now already. He's pissing on me.
11:31Grow up and deal with it, all right? He's your kid, too.
11:37Is she always this moody?
11:39I'll answer this one.
11:42Yes.
11:43I even got my driver's license and she won't let me behind the wheel. Can you believe that?
11:46Yeah.
11:46Even despite our condition.
11:48I don't have a condition.
11:50Are so light.
11:51Exactly, that's it.
11:53That's what I said you had, ma'am.
11:55Yeah, she is a witch.
11:56You predict this.
12:00You're like a cat that lived a thousand lives.
12:03A thousand rides, more like.
12:04Oh, Van used to say that sort of stuff to me all the time.
12:08Van Morrison.
12:10I used to babysit him.
12:12I've heard of him.
12:12You're not full of shit, you know that. Van Morrison is older than you.
12:14You couldn't babysit him.
12:15Brown-eyed girl, that one's about me.
12:17You have blue eyes.
12:19For a second.
12:20All right, just smoke in here.
12:23No, no, I quit smoking.
12:25Boys.
12:26Oh, yeah.
12:27Go any further and you will be walking home.
12:29That is so unfair.
12:32Now, Marrage, we never told us our man was such a legend.
12:34Yeah, she's like a proper lad.
12:36Like, not a small one, like, a big one, like.
12:38Massive one.
12:39Yeah, well, you didn't grow up her.
12:40Yeah, well, yeah, neither did you.
12:45I'm relaxed, Nick.
12:46I was only making a good pint.
12:48He's hard, too.
12:48Yoo-hoo!
12:50This is Killian.
12:53He's looking for a ride.
12:55And I said we have room.
12:58Absolutely not.
12:59Oh, come on.
13:00Share and share alike.
13:01No offense, Nick, but don't you think he looks a bit like a murderer?
13:05Silly.
13:07Just want to murder us.
13:09Do you, Killian?
13:11Murder.
13:12Mm-hmm.
13:13See?
13:15Wait, was that a yes or a no?
13:17Well, he said it's a yes, but his mouth said no.
13:19Look, there's no room.
13:20Fine.
13:21But if you're not going to let my new friend come,
13:26then you're going to have to let Connor drive.
13:28We all have to make compromises.
13:32Fine, Connor can drive.
13:34Holy shit.
13:35All right, just let me know what I taught you.
13:37What we talked about, right?
13:38You get to give.
13:38Oh, I'll never forget you.
13:43No, no, no, not that way.
13:45No, no, that way.
13:46Ten and two.
13:47Ten and two.
13:51Nice family.
13:52Then there was a time when she came home from school and told me she needed glasses.
13:57All right.
14:22Let the boy just do it his way.
14:25He's my son, okay?
14:25I'll handle it how I like.
14:26I'm just trying to help.
14:28Okay.
14:28Thanks, but don't.
14:29Can you, can you just sit back?
14:31He don't.
14:31Will you just sit back, all right?
14:33Yeah, I've got a baby!
14:39Ah!
14:40Ah!
14:43Thank God he's breathing.
14:45Hey, what we could do, CPR?
14:49Oh, come on!
14:51Oh, Jesus Christ.
14:52You're an animal.
14:53Sorry, like it was the humane thing to do, Con.
14:56Sorry, sorry, boy, sorry.
14:58Somebody put me out of my misery.
14:59We can't just, just leave him here.
15:01We need to give him a proper burial.
15:03Oh, you're so emotional.
15:05You're definitely your mother's child.
15:13Mommy's brain fell out.
15:19So, we're gathered here today to celebrate the life of Rabbit De Niro.
15:24He's gone, but certainly not forgotten.
15:27uh would anyone like to say a few words listen when i go keep these two boys away from me
15:36with
15:37their tears dancing and drinking that's the way you're supposed to send someone off
15:42i'll be in the car having a fag or doing anything other than this
15:53i didn't know you too well rabbit de niro i know you like carrots
16:00hopping around and shagging rabbits love shagging once saw a rabbit looking out a fox
16:11i'm sorry for what i did to you
16:15gone but not forgotten
16:20oh danny boy
16:24the pipes the pipes are calling
16:29from glen to glen
16:33and down the mountainside
16:37the summer's gone
16:41and all the roads
17:01cheer up boys you're bringing my mood down
17:05even be with you he'll get over it in his own time
17:07that's the problem with your generation you're too soft on your kids they don't grow up
17:13that what you were doing with me is this forcing me to grow up i think i was a bit
17:18young for that don't you i'm getting a bit
17:20sick of your poor me stuff you had more than i ever have you don't see me complaining
17:25all you do is complain you complain about
17:28you have been a mother no i don't want to talk about it anymore
17:30yeah but i do okay you at least told me that i gave you life
17:35i was sick every day for nine months cooking you inside me what more do you want
17:42a mother
17:42oh don't be so dramatic
17:46dramatic
17:48you abandoned me you took the easy way out
17:51you took the easy way out
17:52i didn't want a kid
17:53yeah but i didn't bail on him did i
17:56well somehow it's always about you
17:59and it's my birthday
18:01it is never about me it's literally never about me i wish for just once it was about me
18:06your yelling is exhausting me i'm going to have a nap
18:11have your nap i hope you don't wake up
18:18i am i might try for a nap too
18:28no please come on
18:29i'm trying to do it here all right
18:46give me a chance all right
18:48i'm trying to do it here all right
18:49drink your drinks and eat your beans it's part of the time
19:03hello are we glad to see you how was it fine she's still asleep in the car probably a drunken
19:08coma
19:12how is she i'm just the idiot who ruined everybody's life so how would i know
19:29great
19:30bridget sleep your head
19:33wakey wakey rise and shine
19:36uh bridges
19:41oh
19:42bridget i'm tony oh jesus uh uh okay okay don't panic don't panic uh pulse
19:48oh okay no pulse
19:50marie
19:50marie
19:52marie
19:53come quick
19:54she's done this on purpose
19:56we shouldn't be doing this we should be informing the guards
19:59you are the guards consider yourself informed
20:01we'll keep our legs up will you
20:02god she's heavy
20:04she's heavy
20:05oh i know what's heavy
20:06oh god
20:11do you think i should give her a hug
20:14i hope it's not gonna bring her back to life but is it
20:17no chuck not her
20:20the other one
20:24the funeral home said they can't come and pick her up until tomorrow
20:29what so like she's just staying tonight here
20:31yeah
20:33why do you think we'll get to eat the dinner
20:35we have some respect but your mom's mom is dead
20:38i'm starving i'll be the one dead if we won't eat soon
20:40you know i can hear you two idiots
20:43our hands are all
20:44yeah
20:47we should eat we promised her we'd throw her the best party we could so that's what we're gonna do
20:52love i think you might still be in shock
20:53she's not gonna ruin the party we're throwing for her by deciding to die
20:57one question
20:58does she still have a soul
21:00yeah
21:02or is that daddy's way
21:07did you buy this is good stuff
21:08oh so bad you know
21:10yeah
21:11except for the prick garden stuff
21:12yeah
21:13yeah
21:13yeah
21:14hey for that
21:17this isn't right
21:18it's too much salt
21:20no
21:22she's over there on her own like this is supposed to be her party
21:29why did i have to be the one sat next to her
21:34i'm not doing that that's creepy but
21:43i'm not doing that
21:44a toast
21:45to the old witch
21:46to the old witch
21:49yours
21:53Hey, do you want to tell me?
21:54I'm going to wait, Bob.
21:57I'm not nice.
21:59See you.
22:33It would definitely be illegal now.
22:51Happy birthday, ma'am.
22:54I threw this party for you.
22:55I hope you liked it.
22:59I don't know why I did.
23:00You wouldn't have done it for me.
23:03You never did anything for me.
23:07Connor, I was all alone.
23:08And you weren't there for me.
23:12All I needed was someone to talk to
23:14and tell me everything was going to be all right.
23:20It's all I needed and you weren't there for me.
23:25And I miss my ma'am.
23:26And I love my ma'am.
23:30Can I just wish you loved me back?
23:39I'm so sorry I was a shit, ma'am.
23:41Oh, no, don't say that.
23:44I was scared and I was young.
23:47I love you so much.
23:48I'd never have it any other way.
23:50You know that.
23:53You did your best, ma'am.
23:55You always did your best.
23:59And you know what?
24:00In some way, I'd say she did too.
24:08I was, but I hadn't heard that, wasn't I?
24:10Oh, yeah, we're better.
24:14To Bridget.
24:15I hear.
24:16To Bridget.
24:19And to Marie.
24:21Yeah.
24:21Right?
24:22To Marie.
24:23Yeah.
24:25Oh.
24:35You're off his nose and about to sparkle.
24:39I know.
24:40Wait, wait, wait.
24:41Let Healy get it.
24:45Even a bomb going off wouldn't make that man.
24:48One thing about being a man is that once you are one, it never ends.
24:52And a job that never ends.
24:54That's got to be the toughest job in the world.
24:57Right.
24:58See you, Granny.
24:59So just maybe we should give all mothers a break.
25:03Because even the ones that do jump ship, they've already done more work than any man.
25:07They deserve a rest.
25:09Rest in peace, Granny Bridget.
25:11See you, Granny.
25:11See you, Granny.
25:11See you, Granny.
25:11See you, Granny.
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