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Malcolm In The Middle Lifes Still Unfair S01E01 [Full Movie] [High Quality]Full EP - Full
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00:07Previously on Malcolm in the Middle
00:15What are you looking at?
00:18Wee!
00:21I've been stealing money from the church
00:33You're going to put your hands inside of mommy
00:35And take out this baby
00:38And someone actually asked for more of this
00:44Life is unfair
00:51I really appreciate the opportunity
00:53Everyone in my class was after this internship
00:56I fought tooth and nail work
00:57No problem, we are glad to have you
00:59So, what do you guys do?
01:02Well, we install computer systems
01:05In grocery store chains and food manufacturers
01:07To align their inventory software
01:09With food banks and shelters all across the country
01:11So instead of unused food getting dumped
01:14It goes to people who actually need it
01:15Got it, and what is a food bank?
01:20Maybe watch our video a few more times
01:27Yeah, I look different
01:29But hey, everything about me is different
01:32I'm happy
01:33I'm successful
01:34I've learned to work productively with idiots
01:36My life is fantastic now
01:40You want to know how I did it?
01:41All I had to do
01:43Is stay completely away from my family
01:46Here we go
02:00You know, I think you are finally beginning to thin out
02:03These things have lasted for six months
02:05You know, I can call back later
02:07Come on, Dewey
02:07You've seen this like a thousand times
02:09It's just a normal human body
02:11Doing normal human behavior
02:13Undergrowth
02:16How's the concert tour?
02:18It's fine
02:19But I'm really sorry
02:20I'm not going to make your anniversary party
02:22I'm sad too
02:23But you cannot turn down a chance to play for royalty
02:25I mean, what if Carl Gustav
02:27Wants to give you a knighthood or a sword or something?
02:29Is Jamie going to make it?
02:30I think so
02:31He put in for a leave
02:31Towel! Towel! Towel!
02:35Trauma averted
02:36Thank you
02:39Hey, Dewey
02:40Hi, Kelly
02:40How's school?
02:41Beneath me
02:42How's Sonia?
02:43Oh, um
02:44It's not Sonia anymore
02:45It's Lisbon
02:45No!
02:46Annette!
02:47Anyway
02:47She's good
02:48We're really connecting
02:49But we're going to go shopping later
02:51Do them want to come?
02:54Him can't come with we?
02:56Us has homework
02:57Hey, he's trying
02:58Don't mock him for it
02:59I'm not afraid of you
03:00That's not
03:01I get good grades
03:02I help around the house
03:03I'm your only kid without a file at the police station
03:06I'm untouchable
03:07Yeah, well
03:08It wouldn't kill you to tell your father you loved him every once in a while
03:12I love you
03:13Oh, that just sounds sarcastic
03:15I love you
03:17Nice and annoyed
03:18I kind of do
03:19It's your timbre
03:21I love you
03:21I love you
03:22I love you
03:23The middle one was nice
03:25Thank you
03:28So back in college
03:30I completely turned my life around
03:31Because I realized
03:33The less contact I have with my family
03:35The less I act like a sociopath
03:37I've become more patient
03:39Less angry
03:40Way more mature
03:42Anytime I am around them
03:44It takes me like two seconds to revert
03:46For crying out loud
03:47I speak fluent Spanish
03:48I know how to say quesadilla
03:50I don't know
03:50It sounded like you said
03:51Quesadilla
03:52Oh, no
03:52You're like
03:53Quesadilla
03:55Siempre hacen esto
03:56Intentan colegir a las personas por algo de lo que no sabes nada
03:59Say exactamente como van a enseñar quesadilla
04:02Quesadilla
04:03That's it
04:04That already said
04:05That already said
04:05Quesadilla
04:12Grandma's television was plasma
04:13I had to watch two episodes of frickin' Dexter with her
04:16And it was obvious from the rich deep black
04:18You're insane
04:19She bought that TV in 2015
04:20All right
04:21They already had full array LEDs
04:22With the same picture quality for a quarter of the price
04:26It's not showing off
04:27It's a completely sensible
04:29Mid-price sedan
04:30Why don't you just admit
04:31You're stuck up
04:32And shoving your shiny new car in my face
04:33To make me feel bad
04:34Is this stuck up
04:36Is this showing off
04:39Is this me trying to make you feel bad
04:42It's not them
04:43It's me
04:44Being around them
04:46So I've arranged my life to ensure absolute minimum contact
04:49My house is a true layover flight from anyone
04:52I'm always swamped with work on holidays
04:55But I also create the illusion of closeness
04:57With effusive emails
04:59And phone calls
05:00And birthday cards
05:01Saying how much I miss them
05:02And I can't wait to see them
05:03It's really important to me
05:05Not to hurt their feelings
05:07Because then
05:07They'll make me talk to them about it face to face
05:10Welcome to Huge Mart
05:12Where our deals are
05:13We still need a 200 pack of votive candles
05:14And a thousand feet of ruby tassel garland
05:17Oh, there's gold
05:18No, 40th anniversary's ruby
05:19Not gold
05:20Get in the game, Hal
05:22Hey, lovebirds
05:24I hid your mini disco balls
05:26Thank you, Craig
05:27They're in the clone aisle
05:28Behind my signature scent
05:32Which is
05:33Suave Sauvage
05:34For him
05:35Already got it
05:37So, how do you like the new job?
05:39Well, my heart belongs to Lucky Aid
05:42But after they denied my promotion
05:44And that mysterious, untraceable fire
05:46I'm glad I found a new home
05:47Lois
05:48Come quick
05:49It's that famous celebrity you like
05:56Oh, yeah, yeah
05:58Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
06:03Never had much faith in love for miracles
06:07Miracles
06:09Never wanna put my heart on the line
06:16But swimming in your water
06:18Is something spiritual
06:21Spiritual
06:22Spiritual
06:22Spiritual
06:22I'm born again every time you spend the night
06:27E-I-I-I
06:29Cause the sex takes me to paradise
06:32And it's true
06:36Yeah, yeah, yeah
06:38Cause you make me feel like
06:41I've been locked out of heaven
06:45For too long
06:49Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah,
06:55woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah,
06:55woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah,
06:56woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah,
06:56woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah,
06:57woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah
07:12Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
07:16Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
07:19Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
07:22Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
07:32That's it.
07:33Now it's my meatball.
07:35Okay, let's take it from the sex part.
07:38Guys, you know that was magical.
07:40Let's not go past it.
07:42It was lovely.
07:43Hal, thank you.
07:44Well, it was just a little weird two weeks before the anniversary.
07:47No!
07:48Before or after the party.
07:49We agreed.
07:50You can do anything you want, as often as you want, before or after.
07:54The actual anniversary day is mine.
07:57You promise.
07:57Under duress.
07:58I'll promise anything when you do that thing.
08:02Hal, for 39 years of anniversaries and birthdays and really every celebration,
08:07you do the most wonderful, romantic, amazing grand gestures.
08:11The fireworks display.
08:13Oh, yeah.
08:13Releasing those doves.
08:15That should have been done outside and away from the fam.
08:18And now this once, I want to be the one deciding how we celebrate and not have your plans just
08:24happen to me.
08:27Uh, yeah.
08:28Why don't you play with your friends while I finish up?
08:32She makes it seem like every little romantic gesture I've ever made is crazy.
08:39No.
08:40No.
08:40It won't hurt to let Lois do it exactly the way she wants to for once.
08:44Oh.
08:44So I just sit back, do nothing, like I don't even love her?
08:47No, no, no.
08:47Not on my watch.
08:48Hal, please.
08:49You're the only one of us still married.
08:51Do not break a promise to that woman.
08:53I would never.
08:55Lois gets her day.
08:57But until then, every moment of every day, I will show her so much love, she will run screaming at
09:03the sight of me.
09:17Nice, right?
09:18And this isn't even the best thing.
09:20The best thing.
09:21The best thing in the whole world is who is inside it.
09:24My daughter Leah.
09:26It's just kind of a trophy I won in college for attending my first kegger.
09:29She hates that joke.
09:33her mother dreamer yes her name is dreamer ran off three days after giving birth so
09:39single father but i'm good at it i just imagine what my parents would do
09:43and do the exact opposite it's not that hard
09:50i won't make it worse i won't make it worse
09:56just so you know i don't cry like this all the time i also do depressed apathy paralyzed
10:03embarrassment and impotent fury it's a rich inner life
10:10sweetie what's wrong allison gib got invited me to her birthday party
10:15why is that sad you want the list allison and her friends did this as a joke
10:20they know i know they don't want me to go if i do go they'll freeze me out until i
10:24burst into tears
10:25and daddy comes to get me which is what they really want i'm completely isolated at school
10:30i've never had any friends and my personality by which i mean your personality makes it impossible
10:36for me to ever have any okay well do you want my list you're intelligent you're beautiful and hard
10:44working and incredibly perceptive and yeah thanks for that too that's how i notice every smirk
10:49and slight and microscopic eye roll aimed at me since first grade
10:53why'd you have to be so gentle with me growing up i have no armor
10:56leah look i am so sorry you're going through this but i promise it'll get better
11:02it got so much better for me once i went off to college so that's less than a
11:07a decade
11:10it's actually worse when he tries hard
11:15why'd that make you nervous
11:17what your phone
11:18why did that call make you nervous
11:19i'm not nervous
11:21it was just work and we're talking
11:24maybe my concern for how upset you are is coming across as nervous
11:27and why do you keep it so hot in here
11:29i want to be alone now anyway
11:31okay
11:33i'm not going to smother you
11:34but i'm here for you
11:36like always
11:37i love you
11:39really love you
11:43love you so much
11:49malcolm i need you to call me back today about our anniversary
11:52we have to know when you're coming
11:53and we know you're coming
11:54because you would never be that monstrously inconsiderate
11:57love you
11:59i didn't answer dad's voicemail yesterday so i knew it would escalate to mom
12:03i wrote the email
12:04sorry i was in emergency meetings till late and i just heard your voicemail
12:07i scheduled that to send at 2 16 a.m
12:10that way i look considerate for emailing instead of calling her back
12:13trust me she'll check the time stamp
12:16i have to set up six more food banks this month
12:18but barring a crisis i'll be there
12:20that's what's great about running a charity
12:23anything i say is a crisis
12:24is a crisis
12:26for charity
12:29i scored the cut dry fitted twice
12:31so now i glue it down
12:33perfect
12:33this is so easy i had no idea
12:35i can't wait to start the gazebo next week
12:37you know reese
12:38doing
12:40these projects together every weekend
12:42i love it more than anything
12:44me too
12:45i have to confess though that this floor was fine you don't actually have to rotate floor tiles every six
12:55months
12:55i know you do
12:58but almost every job we've done the car the backyard irrigation the washing machine they didn't need to be done
13:04either it's my favorite thing to do anyway i'm spending a lot of money fixing things that don't need fixing
13:12and since this is really just about us
13:15maybe we can do jigsaw puzzles
13:18no i know how to do puzzles you steal one piece so you're the only one that can finish it
13:24we have to be building or fixing things
13:26son whoa what's what's going on
13:31dad have you ever heard of a metaphor
13:37yes reese
13:38we all know my life sucks
13:40i've ruined my job
13:41my marriages
13:43i don't really have any friends
13:46that's not the metaphor yet
13:48ready
13:49things like gluing these tiles
13:50so they fit together perfectly
13:52is a metaphor for me fitting in with people
13:56and these tools
13:57are a metaphor for you
13:59and all the things in life
14:01you're teaching me
14:03dad you're a tool
14:05a tool to help me build my life back
14:09i will always be your tool
14:15you know what's great about going to a fancy private high school
14:20nothing it is the same emotional shithole as every other high school
14:26leah
14:27hi allison did you get my invitation
14:29it's going to be really fun
14:31dad got an aura camera
14:32i did
14:34thanks
14:34great
14:34see you there
14:47leah
14:48oh hey cheyenne
14:49i couldn't finish my math homework
14:51can you show me how to do a slope intercept
14:53of course
14:54i don't mind at all
14:54i'm always happy to help
14:56you know you don't have to panic about it
14:58i wasn't panicking
15:00oh
15:01it's just
15:01i can see where you've been pulling out your hair
15:05i'm not saying you pull out your hair
15:06it's probably just ringworm
15:07and that's easy to fix
15:08eight weeks of fungicide pills
15:11because it's not an actual worm inside your head
15:12it's a fungus
15:16oh god
15:17what do i do
15:18make it seem like i was joking
15:29i'm really sorry about the whole thing
15:30you othered cheyenne in view of the peer group
15:33yeah i knew i was upsetting her and i was trying to fix it but i kept making it worse
15:38because right before other girls hurt my feelings so i i wasn't thinking clearly
15:42i'm not blaming them
15:44they can't help it
15:45robert sapolsky has pretty compelling research that endorphin levels actually spike when members of an in-group exclude or attack
15:50members of an out-group
15:52at least with chimpanzees
15:57he's on youtube
16:08once a week he'll stand in the front yard shirtless and flex
16:17get ready
16:18you're gonna see something shocking
16:22hey
16:22i'm proud of us
16:23we actually got all the way to the bed before we went at it
16:29tristan
16:29my girlfriend
16:31i mean it is
16:32so much more than that
16:33she loves me
16:35i know it sounds like a lot of me too
16:41how was your day
16:42it was good
16:43we won the grosvenor innovation grant
16:45i beat an ai
16:47dude
16:47you don't have to keep proving how smart you are
16:49i really don't care
16:51oh except for my taxes
16:53that was awesome
16:54so what do you care about
16:56i care that you always listen to me
16:58and that you're supportive
17:00and that you keep your promises
17:03and
17:04mostly i care that you understand
17:06in a deep
17:08and complete way
17:09who i am
17:11inside
17:13then you love me anyway
17:15and i am so grateful for that
17:18jesus i thought we were just doing banter
17:23i gotta get one
17:27she's gonna like me
17:29right
17:29you're kidding
17:30lee's gonna love you
17:31you're as worried as i am
17:33what makes you say that
17:33because you know
17:34that if she doesn't like me
17:35we can't
17:37move forward
17:38i mean eventually
17:39we'd have to break up
17:40but i have so many plans
17:41to prevent that
17:43mutual interest outings
17:44weekly kindness days
17:45shared journaling
17:46there's one
17:46where you hold on to the end of a yarn ball
17:48and you pass it back and forth to each other
17:50and you keep saying nice things
17:52and you keep throwing it
17:53until you guys are both
17:54tied up really tight together
17:55in the yarn
17:58i'm betting on us
18:00look
18:00you can make friends with anyone
18:02i've seen it
18:02and it's obvious how much we love each other
18:04lee is gonna see that
18:05and she's gonna want to be a part of it
18:06i don't know
18:07when i was her age
18:08i hated myself
18:09and everything in my field of vision
18:11so shall i grow it
18:12can we wait for that
18:14no
18:14no
18:15it is past time we did this
18:18we're doing it
18:18okay
18:20you're also
18:22honest
18:23and sincere
18:24and sensitive
18:25not to mention
18:26in bed
18:27the way you combine
18:29enthusiasm
18:31and startling
18:32physical strength
18:33with a clear understanding
18:35of nuance
18:36yeah
18:39Tristan likes green
18:39so maybe wear your chinos
18:40she went to private school too
18:42so you can talk about that
18:43and politics just makes her upset
18:47movies
18:47she can talk about them all day
18:49but she loves rom-com
18:50so don't you say anything snotty
18:52you can write this down if you want
18:53I would
18:54but my pen is busy doing actual homework
18:56sweetie
18:57so when do I yell
18:58I want my real mommy
18:59and run out in tears
19:01I'll surprise you
19:02please
19:02this is important to me
19:04dad
19:04I get it
19:05it's your only chance for love
19:06and I have complete control
19:08over your future happiness
19:11every parenting book
19:12says I shouldn't let you believe that
19:19Kelly where are you
19:20what can I do
19:20are you okay
19:21what's the matter
19:22that I have to make up a lie
19:23to get my own brother
19:24to answer the phone
19:24you have to promise me
19:26you'll come to mom and dad's anniversary
19:27Kelly
19:28I'm trying
19:29hey
19:29listen to me
19:30all they talk about
19:31is whether or not you'll be there
19:32they're old
19:33Malcolm
19:33they could die any second
19:35decapitated in a car wreck
19:37slowly choking to death
19:38on a respirator
19:39from some lingering illness
19:40stabbed over and over
19:42by some drifter they took in
19:43clock is ticking busy boy
19:45you can do this for them
19:46I am doing everything I can
19:48to be there
19:48but my charity just has me
19:49so busy all the time
19:50so you can figure out
19:51all this advanced infrastructure
19:52for hundreds of charities
19:53and corporations
19:54but even after six months notice
19:56you can't plan half a day off
19:58wow
19:59that's almost mom level
20:01okay
20:01at their age
20:02they're a little self-righteous
20:03simultaneously overconfident
20:05and insecure
20:07validate their intentions
20:08and blow some smoke
20:09look
20:09I am glad that you see
20:10how important this is
20:11for mom and dad
20:12they are lucky to have you
20:13looking out for them
20:13other kids your age
20:15aren't half as perceptive
20:17what
20:17I'm
20:18I'm on the phone
20:19okay
20:20look
20:21I am so sorry
20:22but I do have to get back to work
20:23but don't worry
20:24I'm sure I can be there
20:25love you
20:26hey Linda
20:26can you print me that report
20:29with that one
20:29you gotta get in and out
20:31before they can think too much
20:32how do you not allow glitter
20:34you're a party venue
20:35I just want a couple of handfuls
20:37for people to toss
20:38during our spotlight dance
20:40okay
20:41so no
20:42glitter
20:43did our monogrammed cocktail stirs
20:45with little hearts
20:46did they come in
20:47no
20:48no
20:48they come with
20:49the radiant elegance package
20:52the radiant mystique
20:54elegance package
20:55how much does that cost
21:00okay
21:00just
21:01do it
21:02such nonsense
21:03I'm sorry to be taking
21:05all the attention away
21:06from your 40th birthday
21:07mom
21:08I'm a 39
21:09I was born on your
21:10first anniversary
21:11not your wedding day
21:1439
21:16of course you are
21:18hey
21:18how are you guys
21:19enjoying the new guest suite
21:20the garage
21:21yeah
21:22once we unpacked the bag
21:23stomped a few spiders
21:24got the plastic tarp
21:25off the bed
21:26it was real homey
21:27me and dad did all the renovations
21:28your brother's become
21:29quite the handyman
21:30well it is great
21:32a heads up the toilet
21:33wasn't connected
21:34would have been cool
21:35you know we could afford
21:36a motel
21:37absolutely not
21:38we love having you here
21:39besides you gotta save up
21:40some money until you get
21:41a solid job
21:42mom
21:42I've been there 15 years
21:44I'm senior management
21:45I have 75 people under me
21:47that's 75 people
21:48plotting to replace you
21:50and you need to
21:51retie your boats
21:52they need to be droopy
21:53they droop
21:54they need to droop
21:55languidly
21:56look at your father's
21:58your knots are too crisp
21:59use baby hands
22:01why don't you criticize
22:01his bows
22:02those aren't languid
22:03they're turgid
22:04dad likes me
22:05better than you now
22:06did you ever talk
22:08to Malcolm
22:08no
22:09we keep trading emails
22:10back and forth
22:10I know he's doing
22:11good things
22:12but he is gonna
22:13work himself to death
22:14I just got off
22:14the phone with him
22:17he's not coming
22:23okay
22:23we can do this
22:25it's gonna be great
22:26love you
22:27love you
22:27do you need to pee
22:28no
22:28yes
22:29no
22:29no
22:34Leah we're here
22:37Leah this is Tristan
22:42hey
22:43hi
22:46good
22:51we're
22:51we're
22:52easing in slowly
22:53there's no rush
22:58so
22:59how much
23:00did he prep you
23:06when you were
23:07four you
23:07tried to scare
23:08miss rachel
23:08into cancelling
23:09preschool
23:09by saying
23:09her mold
23:10didn't look
23:10right
23:14you have to
23:15twist your
23:15hamburger bun
23:16exactly three
23:17times so the
23:18condiments smear
23:19evenly
23:21you refuse an
23:22award from the
23:22state young
23:23sciences challenge
23:23because you
23:24thought it would
23:24make you a
23:25famous nerd
23:26you love being
23:27a physical
23:28therapist but
23:28you are gross
23:29out when you
23:30have to touch
23:30old people
23:32you fly into
23:32a spitting
23:33rage if you
23:33do wordle
23:34in three
23:34I do
23:36sometimes when
23:37you stand up
23:38too fast
23:38you fart
23:39and I have
23:39to ignore
23:41I do
23:42you don't
23:44now him
23:44has he ever
23:46told you about
23:47his reluctant
23:48move in
23:49politics
23:49oh my god
23:50so one time
23:51I found a
23:52notepad where
23:52he wrote
23:52assemblyman
23:54congressman
23:54lieutenant
23:55governor
23:57and the thing
23:58the thing with
23:58the actor
23:59shape
24:03why
24:03I don't
24:04know
24:06I've never
24:07been so happy
24:07to be humiliated
24:08in my life
24:10this could be my
24:10family my last
24:12checkbox
24:12this is amazing
24:14Malcolm
24:15we are not
24:16doing this by
24:16email or text
24:18or over the phone
24:18or by zoom
24:19we are gonna
24:20talk about it
24:21no matter what
24:22you have to arrange
24:23you are gonna be
24:24at our anniversary
24:25with the rest
24:25of the family
24:26dad
24:32you have a
24:33daughter
24:34she's alive
24:38what's happening
24:44you made me do
24:45this
24:46Malcolm
24:46this family's
24:47non-stop
24:48anti-social behavior
24:49and mindless
24:50belligerence
24:50and myopic
24:51priorities
24:52are toxic
24:52to me
24:53every single
24:54bad thing
24:55that happened
24:55to my life
24:55is your fault
24:56getting away
24:57from you
24:58is how I
24:58finally stopped
24:59being such
25:00an asshole
25:02so your
25:04biggest problem
25:05is
25:06that we
25:08exist
25:14thank you
25:15who are you
25:17I don't know
25:18how could you
25:20do this
25:20to your
25:21family
25:21no
25:22stop
25:22you
25:23insisted
25:24on barging
25:24in on my
25:25home
25:25okay
25:26without an
25:26invitation
25:27so you
25:27can at least
25:28give me the
25:28courtesy
25:28to explain
25:29myself
25:29please
25:30sit down
25:44oh
25:45oh
25:46oh
25:47oh
25:47oh
25:47oh
25:48oh
25:53Oh, my God.
26:29You're not the boss of me now. You're not the boss of me now. And you're not so big.
26:48Oh, my God.
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