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00:00Say, Fred, have you got a joke for us?
00:03Yes, I do. Saul came home one night. He said to his wife,
00:06I must make a confession. I have taken a mistress. I'm having an affair.
00:09She said, oh, you might as well put a dagger in my heart.
00:12And he said, you'll never believe my partner Leonard has also taken a mistress.
00:15He's cheating on his wife. She said, oh, this is terrible. Who are these hussies?
00:19He said, well, they're dancers with the Follies downtown.
00:21She said, do me a favor. I want to go down and see this woman who's breaking up my home.
00:25They go down to the Follies. They sit in the front row. The curtain opens.
00:27She says, which one, which one? He says, the tall, leggy blonde in the center.
00:30She says, which one is Leonard seeing? He says, the redhead on the end.
00:33She says, ours is prettier.
00:38The show is all about jokes.
00:42And here are today's guest joke tellers.
00:45Jesse White.
00:48I'm a track teller.
00:54Jackie Cahay.
00:57And to be sales.
01:00They're all here to have some fun because today, the joke's on us.
01:05And here's the star of our show, Marky Howell.
01:14That's all right, fellas.
01:18Thank you. Thank you for that gracious reception.
01:20I'll see how the ring we kiss it.
01:22I do, and you will.
01:23I didn't know you owned two suits.
01:27Do you remember the other one I wore?
01:28How do you like that?
01:29Wait till you see the next one.
01:30These are four very funny men.
01:31And over here, two guests who are going to play a little game.
01:34And it's called, see if you can find the original punchline to the joke they're going to tell us.
01:37Because each comic will tell us a joke.
01:39And three of them will give different punchlines to that story.
01:42And then you'll play it for some money.
01:43All right, let's find out who these guests are, as a matter of fact.
01:45First one is Vicki Glisserman.
01:47What do you do, dear?
01:47I'm a waitress.
01:48You're a waitress.
01:49We've had a lot of waitresses on this show.
01:51Waitresses on this show.
01:53Listen, I was out last night, and I went in this bar, and this waitress came by the table.
01:57I said, wine for the table.
01:59She went, oh, no!
02:05What do you do?
02:06I'm a computer planner.
02:08A computer planner.
02:10You feed data into machines.
02:12Oh, I actually look at it into a crystal ball, and I look into the future.
02:16That's right.
02:17And that crystal ball has got holes in it, because on Tuesday, you like to go bowling.
02:22No!
02:23Please!
02:24Please don't stop.
02:26I just looked into my crystal ball, and it said that we're going to have some jokes now,
02:29or else there's no show.
02:30Oh, yeah.
02:30We're dying there.
02:31So, we're going to have some jokes, and I'm going to ask Jesse White to come up first of all.
02:34Yes, he wants.
02:34Here you are, Jesse.
02:38Well, Jesse takes a look at that joke.
02:42I'm going to tell Vicky that she will have the first chance to win 25 bucks by guessing
02:46the right punchline.
02:47Go ahead, Jesse.
02:48A little old lady got off the bus one night and started toward her apartment, which was
02:52not much more than a block away.
02:54Heirs?
02:55Yes.
02:57But, before she got to her door, a young street punk stepped out from behind a parked car,
03:02Yeah, yeah.
03:02Stuck a gun in her ribs and said, lady, give me all your money or I'm going to rip your
03:07clothes
03:08off.
03:08Yes.
03:08Yeah.
03:09The old broad looked him right in the eye.
03:12I mean, the old lady looked him right in the eye.
03:16The old lady looked him right in the eye and said...
03:20Promises, promises.
03:26Beautiful.
03:27When the young punk said, I'm going to rip your clothes off, she said, sonny boy, why
03:33don't you show some ambition and go and rob a bank?
03:36Oh, yes.
03:37Well, the old lady would think of that.
03:40When the young punk said, I'm going to rip your clothes off, the old lady said, the old
03:45lady said, just like my husband, all talk and no action.
03:54Well, you've heard three different punchlines, and Vicki, what have you a chance to make 25
04:00bucks?
04:01Which is the original of that joke?
04:03I think I'll go with all talk and no action.
04:06All talk and no action was the one that Super Sales gave us, right?
04:09We'll take a look and see what the old lady said.
04:11And the winner is...
04:12She said, a young fellow should have some ambition.
04:14Go rob a bank.
04:15All right.
04:21Personally, I like Promises, Promises.
04:24I saw that show three times.
04:26Promises, Promises?
04:27Right.
04:28Good show.
04:28Go rob a bank.
04:29Go rob a bank is a good show.
04:31Fred, will let you come up here and try your hand.
04:34This time, Harry, you'll have a chance to do some interesting about punchlines.
04:39I'm going to have to hold this with one hand.
04:41I'm a little, you know, I do sign language for deaf mutes.
04:45And last night, a couple of my clients got into a shouting match and I sprained my thumb
04:48and forth from the door.
04:51Well, the real thing, this story, and I've never heard this, and it looks great.
04:54There was this stockbroker who was so wrapped up in his work that he completely neglected
04:58his young wife.
04:59All he ever had on his mind was stocks and bonds, which made life very difficult for her,
05:04as you can understand.
05:04Well, yes.
05:05One day, the stockbroker arrives home unexpectedly to find his wife in bed with a broker from
05:12another firm.
05:13Uh-oh.
05:14What is going on here?
05:15Which tops all the dumb questions I've ever heard.
05:17What is going on here?
05:19And her husband screamed, and his young wife replied,
05:24This is nothing you should see us when we're over the counter.
05:27All right.
05:29Over the counter, I did it.
05:31Oh.
05:32Over the counter.
05:34When her husband screamed, what is going on here?
05:38His young wife replied, now I know why they say, thank you, Payne Webber.
05:42Oh.
05:45We can do a commercial there.
05:47Here's a kiss.
05:48This old broad.
05:51When her husband screamed, what's going on here?
05:53The young wife said to her partner, I told you he was stupid.
05:57No.
05:57I'm not saying he told you.
05:59Said, I forgot to tell you, John, I've gone public.
06:02Oh.
06:16I forgot to tell you, John, I've gone public.
06:32All right.
06:33Oh, my God.
06:36All right.
06:37Thank you, Fred.
06:38Okay.
06:40No, I'm very.
06:41Sign language.
06:42Okay.
06:43We'll come back with more jokes for these zanies in just a few moments,
06:45right after these messages.
06:46All right.
07:02Award-winning dishes, the Toronto Hilton Harbor Castle.
07:05Back to you, Monty.
07:14Jackie DeHane, come on up here and show the next joke.
07:16All right.
07:16Here I go.
07:17Here is the next joke for Jackie to tell.
07:19Thank you very much.
07:20Before I read this joke, I have a story for you, okay?
07:24It has nothing to do with the joke.
07:24It has nothing to do with these jokes.
07:25It's a freebie.
07:26Freebie.
07:27Freebie.
07:27Perfect.
07:28A lot of floods in the Midwest, and this fellow, his house is now only flooded.
07:34He's standing on top of the roof.
07:36The water is licking his feet, and a motorboat comes by, and the guy in the motorboat says,
07:41Hop in, and I'll save your life.
07:43And the guy says, No, you keep going.
07:44God will save my life.
07:46Well, about a half hour later, the water's now up to his knees, and a helicopter comes
07:51by, and got a ladder down.
07:53The pilot says, Grab on the ladder.
07:55I will raise you up to save your life.
07:57He says, No, you keep going.
07:59God will save my life.
08:01Well, about a half hour later, he drowns.
08:04Now he's up in front of God, and he says to God, God, I go to church every Sunday.
08:09I'm a clean living man.
08:10I give to charity.
08:12Why did you let me drown?
08:14God said, Let you drown.
08:16I sent a motorboat for you.
08:21All right.
08:24All right.
08:29Not only funny, but a very good moral there, too.
08:31Yes, indeed.
08:32Now, read the joke in English.
08:33Remember the moral.
08:34It wasn't the apple on the tree that caused all the misery in the world.
08:37It was the tear on the ground.
08:38That's right.
08:40All right.
08:41Hallelujah.
08:42Yes.
08:43Read the joke.
08:44Can we get to a joke, please?
08:46I was wondering.
08:47I'd like to give $12 anonymous money.
08:52All right.
08:52Let me get to this before the party is over.
08:54It was one of the wildest Christmas parties you've ever seen.
08:58They were drinking, dancing on the desk, and having one great time.
09:02Meanwhile, over in a dark corner, an attractive secretary was making the most of the opportunity with one of the
09:09senior executives.
09:10Oh, Mr. Johnson, she moaned, you've never kissed me like this before.
09:16And the man said, I've never been this drunk before.
09:22Yes.
09:23All right.
09:24All right.
09:24Okay?
09:25Yeah.
09:26When the secretary moaned, you've never kissed me like that before, the man replied.
09:31That's because I never took my teeth out before.
09:34Yes.
09:35Exactly.
09:36Right.
09:37Bad.
09:38Bad.
09:38Bad.
09:38Very bad.
09:39But the way I heard it, the secretary, when the secretary said, oh, Mr. Johnson, you've never
09:44kissed me like that before, the gentleman said, that's because I'm not Mr. Johnson.
09:48Oh, my God.
09:52You said your job didn't like it.
09:55I'm not going to go.
09:57Becky, I'll give you 50 bucks if you can tell me who said the original punchline.
10:00I think Fred's got it with I'm not Mr. Johnson.
10:03I'm not Mr. Johnson.
10:04Sounds pretty plausible to me.
10:05I kind of like that myself.
10:06And the correct answer is, that's because I'm not Mr. Johnson.
10:10Yeah.
10:11Yeah.
10:12Yeah.
10:13Yeah.
10:15I like it.
10:16I like it.
10:16I like it.
10:1750 bucks, right?
10:18You have a great job, buddy.
10:19This round is $50, and Harry, you'll have a chance at 50 this time, and I'm going to
10:23ask Soupy to come up and give us the next one.
10:25All right.
10:29I don't like this one, Soupy.
10:31I don't like it.
10:33But let's look at it this way.
10:35Yes.
10:35Okay.
10:39We're $12, though.
10:40I'll take it.
10:41I'll take it.
10:47Oh, wait a minute.
10:48Wait a minute.
10:49An executive leaves his house in the morning, and he's walking down the street, and all of
10:55a sudden, he realizes that he has left his briefcase back at the house.
10:59So he goes back to the house, Steve, and he's looking around in the house for the briefcase,
11:05and he walks past the bathroom, and he looks in, and his wife is standing there on the
11:10bathroom scale, naked.
11:13And he reaches over, see, and he pats her on the bottom, and he says, how much today,
11:19dear?
11:19And without even looking up, she turns around and says, the same as always, two quarts of
11:25milk and a pound of butter.
11:30Yes.
11:33That's the way I heard it, no.
11:35When he pats her on the bottom and says, how much today, dear?
11:38She says, shh, be careful.
11:40My husband forgot his damn briefcase again.
12:07Well, you heard some pretty runchy answers to that one, didn't you?
12:11Runchy, runchy, runchy.
12:12Which one do you think is the original?
12:14The same face.
12:15I think it's two quarts of milk and a pound of butter.
12:17I kind of like that myself, and we'll see if you're going to get $50, and you are two
12:21quarts of milk and a pound of butter.
12:23Yay!
12:25There you go.
12:30Oh, no, you can keep it and learn it.
12:31Okay, all right.
12:32We'll be back with our final joke right after these messages.
12:38Now, it's back to the jokes on us, and the star of our show, Murphy Hall.
12:44Thank you so much for the final joke.
12:46This time, both of you have a chance to answer the punchline, and it'll be worth $100 if you
12:51get it right.
12:51So, get those cards ready in your hands, because both of you will play this last game for me.
12:56Now, I will tell the final joke, and I'm going to ask Fred Willard to come over and give
13:00us the punchline when it's all through.
13:02Fred, you wear that sweater.
13:03Don't you care what anybody says.
13:06Can you just have your seat over here, Fred, and I'll be with you in a second.
13:10The whole hockey team goes with that.
13:12Are you ready for the joke?
13:13Here it goes.
13:14When a waiter at a popular restaurant died, his customers decided to hold a seance to
13:19communicate with him.
13:21One night after the restaurant closed, they gathered around the largest table in the
13:24place and called for the spirit of the dead waiter to return.
13:28First, they called softly,
13:29Have you come back to us?
13:33No answer.
13:34A little louder.
13:35Harry, come back to us.
13:37I'm getting scared.
13:38No answer.
13:39Finally, they screamed, Harry, come back to us, and a puff of smoke occurred, and Harry
13:43appeared.
13:44One of the customers said, Harry, why didn't you come when we first called you?
13:48Why didn't you come when you first heard the call?
13:50And Harry answered, don't bother me now.
13:52We're closed.
13:56And the waiter said, when one of the customers, no, when one of the customers asked us, why
14:01didn't you come when we first called?
14:04The waiter answered, sorry, it's not my table.
14:08That sounds like my waiter.
14:10That sounds like my waiter.
14:12When one of the customers asked why he didn't come when they first called, the waiter answered,
14:17in heaven, I'm not a waiter.
14:18I'm the major thief.
14:23He made the big time.
14:28All right, now, what we're going to do, while you're selecting the person you think had the
14:32punchline, Fred Willard will tell us which one it was.
14:35Sure.
14:35And did you notice, Vicki, the waitress, during all those answers, was saying, sure, what
14:38do they expect?
14:39We spent 12 hours on our feet.
14:40Sure, she was enjoying all of them.
14:42But now, the winner is, the winner is, with the unforgettable line, sorry, it's not my
14:49table, Soupy Sales.
14:53That's a windy joke.
14:55Now, we're going to find out if I and these two have that right answer.
14:59So, Harry Zimmer, do you have Soupy Sales?
15:01Yes, I have Soupy Sales.
15:05Vicki Gristelman, do you have Soupy Sales?
15:07No.
15:08She chose Jessie White and doesn't get any money.
15:12Harry Zimmer wins with $150.
15:15$150.
15:16Thank you, Harry.
15:17Vicki Gristelman, thank you, McGinnis.
15:19You have a consolation prize of $50, so thanks for McGinnis.
15:24All right, in just a moment, our winner, Harry Zimmer, is going to play the Add a Word game,
15:28where he gets a chance to add $500 to his total by playing that cute little endgame that
15:32we have.
15:33So, stick around and watch it in just a moment.
15:36Yes, that makes sense.
15:38Wow.
15:42Here's more of the jokes on us and Monty Hall.
15:45Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
15:48Dirty picture.
15:53Listen, Soupy was just telling me something very exciting.
15:55He just sold a script or motion picture to the motion pictures, right?
15:59Warner Brothers.
15:59Warner Brothers.
16:00Yeah.
16:01This is the first one I've written, and it's a comedy.
16:03Oh, a comedy.
16:03I'm very glad it's a comedy, because you know what?
16:05I don't like promiscuity in motion pictures.
16:07Yeah.
16:08What do you think about sex in movies?
16:09Well, it's okay if the seats don't fold up.
16:17All right.
16:19How did I get into that?
16:21All right.
16:23How did I get trapped into that?
16:25Hi, how are you?
16:26Hi, Monty.
16:26This is your man, it's Harry Zimmer.
16:27He's going to track the $500 bonus now on the Add a Word game.
16:30Let me explain this game to you, Frank.
16:32You see an incomplete sentence up on that board?
16:34I always forget my...
16:35Each one of these panelists...
16:37That's a sample game.
16:38Each one of the panelists, in turn, will give you a word,
16:40starting with a letter that drops down.
16:42Let me give you an example of the first two words.
16:44I always forget my...
16:46I always forget my breakfast.
16:48You see, say that.
16:48And then the next person has to repeat that line and add one.
16:51Say, I always forget my breakfast and my address.
16:54Okay, and then the third one and the fourth repeating twice through the panel,
16:57eight answers.
16:59Eight answers.
16:59Hold it, guys.
17:00Hold it.
17:00Eight answers.
17:01Let's get it going.
17:02Remember that when they're finished, you must repeat all eight answers.
17:06And we have 60 seconds for all the answers and for you at the same time.
17:10Now, if they're hung up for a word, don't wait.
17:12Give them the answer right away.
17:14But when it's your turn, they cannot help you.
17:16Or they can pantomime, but they can't give you the word.
17:18Okay, Monty.
17:18Are you ready?
17:19I'm ready.
17:19All right, fellas, remember, as fast as you can do it,
17:21as soon as that first letter drops down.
17:23Jesse, never sleep with a...
17:25Here we go.
17:26With an apple knocker.
17:29Never sleep with an apple knocker and a tiger.
17:32I never sleep with an apple knocker, a tiger, and a whale.
17:35Never sleep with an apple knocker, a tiger, a whale, and a moose.
17:39Never sleep with an apple knocker, a tiger, a whale, a moose, or a dandelion.
17:48Never sleep with an apple knocker, a tiger, a whale, a moose, a dandelion, or a lion.
17:54I never sleep with an apple knocker, a tiger, a lion, and a heifer.
18:04I never sleep with an apple knocker, a tiger, a whale, a moose, a dandelion, or a lion.
18:12Give it to him, give it to him, give it to him.
18:14Who is the age?
18:15The age?
18:15The age, each, each.
18:16Not a cow, not a cowboy.
18:17A horse!
18:17No, not a horse!
18:18A horse, and a giraffe!
18:19No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
18:20Give it to him!
18:21A horse, forget it!
18:22A horse!
18:23A horse!
18:23A dog!
18:25A horse!
18:26A horse!
18:28A horse!
18:30A horse!
18:30A horse!
18:31A horse!
18:32A horse!
18:33That's all!
18:34That's all there is.
18:35There ain't no move.
18:38The word was heifer.
18:40And you know, when you got hung up on heifer, there were still 18 seconds to go, and you
18:44might have done the whole thing.
18:45You didn't even get to repeating any of them.
18:47What can I tell you?
18:48You're broke, is what I said.
18:51You're broke, is what I said.
18:53Heifer knock!
18:54Heifer knock!
18:55Heifer knock!
18:55Heifer knock!
18:55Heifer knock!
18:56Heifer knock!
18:57Thanks, John.
18:57You beat him up!
18:58Heifer knock!
18:59Heifer knock!
19:00That's what I said.
19:01I didn't get these words!
19:02That was the easiest one of the whole group!
19:04He remembered apple knock!
19:05He remembered apple knock!
19:06He didn't remember heifer!
19:07That's what it was.
19:08I can see sleeping with an apple knock and not with a whale!
19:11Let's not get into a fight about it!
19:13Oh!
19:13For goodness sake!
19:14I don't know what that guy sleeps with!
19:18You got an apple knock, don't you?
19:19Yeah, there, there.
19:19Do you ever have your apples now?
19:21Boy, yeah!
19:23That'll touch it, please!
19:24Jesse, Jesse, can you rescue me from this with a nice story of some kind?
19:29In a little town outside of Ireland, Clancy.
19:31Outside of Ireland?
19:33Outside of Ireland, a little city.
19:34Oh, yeah.
19:35In Ireland.
19:36Outside of Belfast.
19:37Love it!
19:37Poor Clancy fell in a beer vat and drowned.
19:40Oh!
19:40Oh!
19:41And they called the priest and they said, we better go tell Mrs. Clancy.
19:45He said, no, you've got to be diplomatic.
19:47She could have a heart attack, too.
19:49I'll show you how we do tax and diplomacy.
19:52Right.
19:53Follow me.
19:54They go up, knock on the door, and the woman comes to the door.
19:56Is this the residence of the widow Clancy?
20:02I'm Mrs. Clancy, but I'm no widow.
20:04He said, to hell, you ain't.
20:06He promised you.
20:08He says, oh, poor Clancy drowned in a beer vat.
20:10Oh, heavens to Betsy, did he go quickly?
20:14And the priest said, no.
20:15As a matter of fact, he climbed out twice to go to the bathroom.
20:18Oh, my God.
20:20I hear sad stories.
20:22I hear sad stories.
20:24I hear sad stories.
20:24A fast story and a fast one.
20:26Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
20:29No long stories, a fast one.
20:31The beggar comes to a woman's house.
20:33He says, madam, I'm hungry.
20:35She says, well, you mind eating something yesterday, Sue?
20:37He says, not at all.
20:38She said, you come back tomorrow.
20:41Fascination.
20:44You know what I liked about that one about Clancy?
20:46The way I heard it, it was a gambler went to her house and said,
20:49is this the widow Clancy?
20:50She says, no, I'm not.
20:51He says, I'll give you six to five.
20:52You are.
20:54That's the Protestant version.
20:57Well, now you've heard all the versions of this story.
21:00I want to thank our four comics here today, our four joke tellers,
21:03and come back with us next time when they're all here again
21:05to play the jokes on us.
21:07Enjoy it.
21:08Come back.
21:09Come back.
21:09Come back.
21:10Come back.
21:11Come back.
21:13Come back.
21:15Come back.
21:16Come back.
21:21Well, when you're 30 and you're 30, I guess, thank you.
21:23I'll be the first thing I've ever done.
21:25Yeah.
21:30Oh, yeah.
21:31I know you are 30, you are 30, I guess.
21:39Looking back.
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