- 2 days ago
Bait S01E01-2 (2026) [Full Movie] [Full Version]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:42Transcription by CastingWords
01:00You have terrible taste in hostages. Wentworth was the mole. Could have just as easily aimed a few centimeters higher.
01:10Then it wouldn't have mattered to you at all, would it? Just as long as you're pleasing your masters.
01:18Tell me, when it's just you, all alone, how do you live with yourself? Do you even know who you
01:28are?
01:30Yeah.
01:38Line?
01:39Cut!
01:39Sorry.
01:40Sorry.
01:43Sorry, Helen.
01:45It's all good. It's all good. It's just we're on a bit of a schedule.
01:50Yeah, that's why I was thinking. Quick reset back to once. I'll nail it this time.
01:52How are you blowing this audition?
01:54I know the speech. I know it.
01:57Yeah, you fucked it up every time at the exact same moment.
02:02What is this? A prank show? Wearing a hidden camera.
02:05It's funny. No, I just have a very particular process. I've got my head around it now. I'm ready.
02:09Sorry, guys. You just said we had to...
02:10Yeah, well, just a minute. Sorry. How was your weekend?
02:13That's good, thanks. How was yours?
02:13Great.
02:14Yeah, what did you do?
02:15Just... Thanks. Thanks, Jim.
02:17This is my second... Stop it.
02:20Sorry.
02:21You know what? They didn't want to see you. I had to convince them. So this is on me.
02:26I've got a confession to make. I'm lightheaded from fasting. It's the holy muscling month. It's called Ramadan.
02:37This involves no eating and drinking in the day. I'm lightheaded from... If I can have a bit of a
02:41cultural understanding.
02:42Well, I've just seen you drink alcohol juice. Six tigs in a row. I tried.
02:48Just a shame you didn't.
02:52Thanks so much for coming in, Sharon. We'll be in touch.
03:04You want to know what it's like doing the dirty work, fighting everybody and being nobody?
03:13I don't live with myself. I live with whoever you need me to be.
03:18The blood on my hands is mine.
03:20Because I kill a part of myself every day if I don't know who I am.
03:26Because you don't want to.
03:31You knew it.
03:33You knew it!
03:35What's wrong with you?
03:38Do you know who you are?
03:39I'll tell you who you are.
03:41You're a fucking failure.
03:43Who just shat on your last chance of being somebody.
03:47You should be ashamed of yourself.
03:49You are ashamed of yourself.
03:50Because you're ashamed of your family.
03:52You're fucking nobody.
03:53You're nothing.
03:53You're just a fucking...
03:55Dumb fucking...
03:56Pack.
04:06Um...
04:07Come in.
04:11I, uh...
04:12Forgot to grab your mic.
04:16Sure.
04:25Oh, my God.
04:57And just so you know, there's a photographer camped out front, so I'm going to take you
05:01down the side.
05:02Oh, yeah, yeah.
05:03The press gets a pic of anyone who's auditioned, and the whole Bond rumor mill goes crazy.
05:10Sorry, you know what?
05:11I just realized I left my charger in the dressing room.
05:14Oh, I'm happy to come with.
05:14I'll go and grab it.
05:15Another way.
05:16Are you sure?
05:16Thank you, though.
05:16Thanks a lot.
05:17Okay.
05:31You all right?
05:33You all right?
05:50You all right?
06:15Hey, dude, I know you, mate, I'm a huge fan, sis, you're talented, no, no, no, yes,
06:23you are, you're an exceptional actor, I want you to know that, can I get a little video
06:28for my girlfriend, Heather, she's like obsessed with you, dude, yeah, yeah, babe, check it
06:32out, walking down the street, guess who I've been to, Dev fucking Patel, what, Dev Patel,
06:38just walking down the street, say something about Slumdog, she loves Slumdog, it was an
06:47amazing honour to be part of Slumdog Millionaire, it was a great film that people loved, that
06:52I loved, I loved that film, I mean, my family, my community, I mean, internationally, he's
06:56not Dev Patel, what, he's not Dev Patel, look how short he is, Dev is tall, strong, handsome,
07:06our Gujarati hero, hello, Shah Jahan Latif, are you the Shah Jahan place, who's Shah, Shah
07:14Shah Latif, Shah, that's me, can we go please, no problem, it's fine, Assalamualaikum Mr. Latif
07:28Shah, I hope you are enjoying your MOBA experience and that, the temperature is of enjoyment for
07:33you, I asked for a silent ride on the app, so, Sir, just one thing, where are you from,
07:38no, because you are looking like the packy, but you are talking like the honky-tonky,
07:42right, and you look like Jahadi, but he's a sphincter, sphincter, wait, that's a bar,
07:47he likes sphincter, he just came to me like that, sphincter, thanks for picking me up,
07:50bro, come on, appreciate it, watch my posture, please, you're awesome, I'm sure that,
07:54oh, you took in love here, oh, hey, listen, did you bring the watch, yeah, yeah, I couldn't
07:57find it, you couldn't find it, or you didn't look, I didn't look, I'll be busy,
08:00okay, what do you always say, bro, you're a dickhead, what the fuck is this doing here,
08:06I was going to tell you, but basically, I need that for my cars, bro, and there's no
08:10brown dolls for saying like that, it's weird, it's not a doll, bro, it's a limited edition
08:13collectible action figure of me, from my film, you've got to ask me before you use my likeness,
08:18you need to chew your tits, first of all, this don't even look like you, and second of all,
08:21you've got a hundred of these many dildos lying around in the garage, it's not a dildo,
08:24look like a dildo to me, and I need them for my fleet anyway, fleet, all right, well,
08:28you and six guys, yeah, it's 26, actually, fuck off, yes, things have been going very
08:33well, but some serious investors interested, hmm, hmm, what, say mashallah, mashallah,
08:40but if you're going to say it properly, mashallah, there you go, right, investors know that nobody
08:44needs a Muslim Uber, bro, Uber in London's already Muslim, right, every next driver's
08:49named Abdi, listen to me, we drive that thing, but we need to own our thing, and I want us
08:54to own this thing, okay, and if you're strapped for personal right now, I'll take you on as
08:58a driver, I don't mind, don't need any money from you, bro, I got, yeah, I got stuff cooking,
09:03where you going cooking, I can't tell you, huh, this top secret, I signed an NDA, you
09:07ain't signed no NDA, I did, non-disclosure agreement, I signed it, I understand what that
09:11means, but you ain't signed, now, you ain't got shit, bro, you missed the turning for
09:13mine, yeah, no, we didn't actually, because we're going to mummy and barbers, what, yes,
09:17no, what do you mean no, what, I mean no, yes, we are, bro, okay, you have not checked in
09:21on your mum in time, she's going to be gassed to see you, bro, I'm not in a mood, yeah,
09:25because you turn it around, well, I don't care if you're in a mood or not, if you're
09:27getting free rides, you're going to make the stops, NDA,
09:48come, yeah, I'll come in a minute, sometimes being here is enough, you know, okay, one minute,
09:55I'm coming,
10:01well, we don't care, why not, I'll give him some reason, okay, now I'm going to get
10:05to someone personal shopper, so, okay, you need me huh, sorry, I need my silver well honest with you,
10:11if everyone is okay, only that,
10:11but may be fine, maybe, that's good, sign up to us,
10:15see how many of you are,
10:18lot,
10:18Look at you, all grown up. Such a strong boy.
10:22MashaAllah.
10:23Bye, Naila.
10:24Bye, auntie.
10:27Look who came here.
10:27Look who came here.
10:28Who knows?
10:29Hey, brother.
10:30Come here.
10:31I don't know.
10:32I'll die.
10:33I'll come to my cover.
10:34It's been two weeks.
10:35Two months, bro.
10:36Yes.
10:37A couple of weeks?
10:38I can't.
10:39I'm dying for this job, like audition thing.
10:41You're dying.
10:42You're not keeping your rose here.
10:43Oh, you're not keeping your rose here.
10:45Oh, you're not keeping your rose here.
10:46You should fast all year.
10:47Hey, man.
10:48You know what's going on here?
10:50Naila, my mind has come here so many days.
10:52He bought a car, bought a car, bought a house.
10:56I bought a botox.
10:58I knew it was Marco Jackson when I came in the house.
11:02No, I'm sorry.
11:04Don't worry about it.
11:05Come on, teacher.
11:07I've seen something in Google Alerts, right?
11:11Yeah, there's stuff going on.
11:12I just don't want to talk about it.
11:15Don't talk about it, okay?
11:16Just tell me.
11:19What?
11:20Well, I'm...
11:23Just a prayer.
11:24Just pray.
11:25A prayer for you, Samir.
11:27A prayer for you all the time.
11:28A prayer for you all the time.
11:29A prayer for you.
11:31Baba, have you seen a brown leather case about this big?
11:33He's got my name written on it in gold.
11:34Where are you from?
11:35I don't know.
11:37I've got some stuff cooking.
11:39It takes time to make a film.
11:40Yeah, but you don't have time.
11:41You don't have time.
11:42You don't have a pop.
11:44There was one scene in one film.
11:46You've been pervert on his newsreader all day.
11:48I don't know.
11:50Baba, why aren't you showing up to these doctor's appointments?
11:53They're expensive.
11:54I booked them for you so we can find out what's wrong.
11:56We're going to take some money.
11:58We're going to take some money.
11:59Hey, cousin.
12:00Oh, shit.
12:01What are you saying?
12:02No, man.
12:03Oh, bless.
12:04What's this?
12:05What's what?
12:05You're beginning to take out your tags.
12:07Oh.
12:07Rah!
12:08Is that you, yeah?
12:10Give me that.
12:10Baba, see how your boy's spending?
12:12Give me that.
12:13Why are you at home?
12:14Quit my job, man.
12:15The manager was a dickhead.
12:16Hey, don't say that Rafiq was a dickhead.
12:19He was a weirdo.
12:20If you need work experience, I could sort you from Felicia, don't you?
12:22No, no, no.
12:23Listen.
12:23If you really want to help me, take me to Taze's show tonight.
12:25Shadjo Kalu.
12:26DJ, is he playing tonight?
12:27Yeah, why?
12:29I told you you can't work for me.
12:30Brother, I already sent you my counter offer.
12:3250% of my business?
12:33Yes, but do you believe in gender equality or nah?
12:36No, not really.
12:39Oh, my God.
12:41Shabai, are you going to be the next James Bond?
12:44What?
12:46Eh?
12:47Wait, wait, wait, wait.
12:48It might be Cap, it might be Cap.
12:49Can I have a look at that?
12:50Oh, shit.
12:51No, no, no, no.
12:51It's legit, it's legit.
12:52What the fuck?
12:53Oh, my God.
12:53Oh, my God.
12:54This is crazy.
12:55This is crazy, Ruth.
12:56Wait, wait, wait, wait.
12:57Chill, man.
12:58Check the website.
12:59It's BBC we contracted.
13:00Greg Daniel, who died?
13:01Bro, why didn't you tell me?
13:03It's just an audition.
13:05It's just an audition.
13:05It's an audition.
13:08This photo from today's audition.
13:09That's what it used to.
13:11No, but it's some amazing.
13:12James Bond is white.
13:13Why are you text?
13:13Trump's the haram, I'm literal.
13:16Do you know how much James Bond has sex?
13:20Why are you sex things?
13:22What did you tell me about?
13:23Man, take me Santo.
13:23Are you acting?
13:24No, you don't need space.
13:26Listen, Baba, it's okay to be a little bit excited, you know, it's nice even just to have the opportunity,
13:31it's a big deal, you know, brown jeans, brown jeans, I should be proud, you know.
13:35This guy's face is going to be fucking lost everywhere, imagine it, imagine it, hey, you're not being here.
13:41My Shahjoo will get 21, it's just calm down, it's just an audition, yeah?
13:45Call me if you need a body double for sex scenes.
13:47What's wrong? What's wrong?
13:49Can you tell her to call me soon as she comes back in?
13:52Yes, she's going to call me soon as she comes back in.
13:54What's wrong with her?
13:54What's wrong with her?
13:55I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, I've just got to sort this out
13:58and work it out.
14:00Carson, yo, look at me, I'm proud of you.
14:04Yeah?
14:06Fucking James Bond, my guy, come on.
14:08Let's see what happens.
14:08Of course, inshallah, but do they know about the height?
14:11What do you mean?
14:13They're going to give you special shoes, like James Bond's a big, isn't it?
14:19I'm just saying it for you.
14:21For you.
14:25Hey, Felicia, can you call me back, please?
14:27I'm just wondering if the, you know, audition news league thing has helped me or, you know,
14:31fucked me.
14:32I'm just saying it for you.
14:42Hey.
14:46Hey, let me go.
14:54Hey.
14:56Hey.
14:59Hey.
15:01Hey.
15:01Hey.
15:04Yeah, yeah, yeah, where have you been?
15:07Painting my nails on a fucking sunbed, what the fuck you think?
15:10Listen, did you call the pap?
15:12I'm not that clever.
15:14What are they saying? Are they pissed?
15:16Well, they are very surprised.
15:19Fuck.
15:19About how much you're trending.
15:21And because of the reaction, they might give you a second chance to audition.
15:25Fuck! Yes!
15:27Oh!
15:28You plus a female director is doing very well for their 18 to 34s,
15:31and you know that demographic gets them all wet.
15:33Oh, my God.
15:34So, listen. Sit tight and let this play out.
15:37Oh, my God.
15:39Thank you. That is amazing. That's really, really cool.
15:42God bless the internet, eh?
15:44Yeah. So, just one thing.
15:47We can't just see how this plays out.
15:48We've got to do everything we can to get me back in there.
15:51Sha, I just told you it's good you're trending.
15:54Look, and I'm just thinking,
15:56unless you delete all that old music,
15:58just the really political bits, what do you think?
16:00As your agent,
16:02let me deal with that stuff.
16:04You just need to act.
16:05Listen, there's videos of me online
16:07fucking pissing on a British flag.
16:09It's already out there.
16:11All you can do is own it.
16:12That makes you the edgy POC candidate.
16:14Yes, fresh blood.
16:15So, new fans for the great old institution.
16:17Listen, don't find a thing that got you here, you know.
16:19Huh.
16:20Okay, okay.
16:20So, what are you saying?
16:21Maybe I should lean into it?
16:24Or...
16:24Because Taze and them lot are doing a show tonight.
16:27I could maybe do a little thing there.
16:29There's nothing to lean into.
16:30You just are.
16:31Listen, just don't do anything and stay home.
16:34Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:35Done.
16:35Oh, my God.
17:13Oh shit.
17:15Hey.
17:16What are you doing, Hank?
17:18Me?
17:19What are you doing here?
17:20We're all everywhere today.
17:24Pretty cool, isn't it?
17:41What's up, bro?
17:42What's good?
17:43Look who's back on the street.
17:44That's not tasty.
17:45Br-br-br-br-brickshaw.
17:47What's up, bro?
17:48This shit blew up, huh?
17:49Yeah, it's working.
17:50Look at this.
17:50You're coming again, bro.
17:51You killed it, man.
17:52What are you saying?
17:52Ami?
17:53Yes.
17:53What are you doing here, bro?
17:54Are you meant to be protecting Gotham City right now?
17:56What?
17:57No, it's not Gotham.
17:58Bro, don't you know?
17:59Totally new Batman.
18:00It's not bad, man.
18:01It's James Bond.
18:03Hey, bro.
18:03Easy with the Hollywood big man shit.
18:05This is just an audition.
18:06Let's see.
18:06You know what?
18:07We need to take a picture.
18:07Hold on, girl.
18:10Safe, man.
18:11All right.
18:11It's good to see you.
18:12I'm just thinking.
18:13What?
18:14Forget it.
18:14Forget it.
18:15It's cool, man.
18:15No, I'm just...
18:17Go on.
18:18I just had a mad thought.
18:19Wouldn't it be sick if I warmed up for you tonight?
18:24Because I think the crowd would love it.
18:25It'd be like a reunion.
18:26It'd be like old times, bro.
18:27How dare you, bro?
18:29Nothing.
18:30You just come back.
18:31You act like you fucking own this place.
18:33What do you mean?
18:33Walking through here.
18:34All like, look at me.
18:35Look at me.
18:36Brother, I didn't mean it like that.
18:38I didn't mean it like that.
18:44I can't knock the hustle, man.
18:46Yo, maybe, uh, yeah.
18:48I was thinking maybe I could come through the crowd, like, um, you know, like the old days.
18:51Paul, I'll meet you on stage with a mic.
18:52Shout out, man.
18:53Uh, there's like a lot of hate coming at you on the internet right now.
18:57Just don't pay attention to it, all right?
18:58It's all bullshit.
19:02London, are you ready for a tape?
19:03Yeah!
19:05Yeah!
19:05Yeah!
19:05Yeah!
19:06Yeah!
19:07Yeah!
19:17Yeah!
19:19It's all good.
19:20It's all good.
19:34Yes, yes, yes, no, no.
19:36We're still getting MC in the buildings.
19:38MC.
19:39Right shot.
20:06مسیقی
20:07ایم نشانی دی میرے مولا کیا ہوں
20:09صحیح راستے پر جا سکیے ہم بھٹک گئے
20:13ہم سب کو معاف فرما 마�boldا
20:19ہم یہ مسید دور فرما
20:20اللہ حلا، اینا rumahulous
20:22No!
20:45Arse...
20:46...Sanami...
20:48Fuck.
20:49Fuck.
20:49Yeah.
20:51007.
20:53007.
21:06Shah Latif!
21:07Welcome to Sir Chattrick Stewart's.
21:10With me, Sir Patrick Stewart's.
21:12It's an honor to be here.
21:13The honor is all mine.
21:15I've hosted many fine actors on my little podcast,
21:18but few who have had such an eventful 24 hours.
21:22It's been a wild ride already, that's for sure.
21:24Now, I know a Bond or two.
21:27Daniel Craig's a dear friend.
21:28Big shoes to fill.
21:30Do you think you're up to the job?
21:33Yes.
21:35Yes, I do.
21:37Now, more than ever, I'm ready to show the world
21:40that I've got what it takes.
21:42Nigel Murray, how are you?
21:43Thank God.
21:44Good.
21:44Good.
21:45At least she tells me you do security for all the top wankers.
21:48Yeah, that's right, yeah.
21:50I'm always happy to take on a few up-and-coming wankers as well.
21:53Yeah.
21:54Do you do personal?
21:55Because I might have an event tonight.
21:57Yeah, no, we do the full service.
21:58Even got a food chaser if you need one.
22:00Right.
22:00Tell you what, let's have a look in the house and we can talk about that afterwards.
22:03So, the house is two points of entry.
22:05Hostile object into the front bay window.
22:08Those and the doors may need reinforcing.
22:09And I was thinking maybe some visual deterrence along the perimeter if you have the bodies.
22:13Sixty friendlies expected tomorrow.
22:15Wow.
22:16You really know your stuff?
22:17Well, I played the translator in Homeland Season 7.
22:20Yes.
22:21Yes, yes, you did.
22:22They got a lot of shit wrong on that show.
22:24Come on.
22:24Okay.
22:25All right.
22:26So, your guests are for Idel Fettir, I presume?
22:28Yeah?
22:29Yeah.
22:29Okay.
22:29Yeah.
22:30Yeah, just wanna make sure everyone feels safe.
22:32Yeah, come on.
22:32Sure.
22:34It might make more sense for you to start off upstairs.
22:37I know it's harder to defend a position at a higher altitude, isn't it?
22:39Yeah.
22:40Okay.
22:40Well, I'll take my shoes off and go upstairs.
22:42Yeah.
22:42Do you agree?
22:43You can't really act this role.
22:45Part of you has to be it.
22:47Absolutely.
22:49Absolutely.
22:50Yeah.
22:51Yeah.
22:52Luckily, I'm already very experienced at navigating attacks of various kinds.
22:56Whether in the public eye or on the home front, as it were.
23:01Yep.
23:01You just got here.
23:02Oh, Mandarin Oriental.
23:03Sorted.
23:03Thank you for stopping out, Felicia.
23:04I'll speak to you later about the collar.
23:06All right?
23:06Bye.
23:07What are you showing me right now?
23:08It's a hotel.
23:08Okay?
23:09They do free stays for celebs.
23:10Like Michelle Yeoh, Diggity, fucking Northwest Nanny.
23:14And?
23:15Bro, your followers are blowing up, okay?
23:16It's a five-star safe house.
23:18All of us, one week, is free.
23:20Obviously, minus my costs, but...
23:21Yeah?
23:23Look, we're not going to a hotel.
23:24I'm dealing with it.
23:25I'm not going to get anything happen to you.
23:27You don't need to be afraid.
23:28I'm not afraid.
23:29Talking about, man.
23:40What the fuck's all this?
23:41What does it look like?
23:42Security, cuz...
23:43I told you that I had security sorted, so...
23:45Chill your pum pum out.
23:46Learn from that, man.
23:47It's not a fucking movie, yeah?
23:48Oh, is it?
23:49What are you going to ask?
23:49Where you got this from?
23:50All this?
23:52Allah provides, bro.
23:54Does he?
23:54Yes.
23:55Does he provide discount rate mujahideen as well?
23:57I know these guys, bro.
23:57They're too thick to make it into ISIS.
23:59Which ISIS?
24:00ISIS-K, ISIS-L, OG ISIS.
24:02They've got different standards.
24:04I've heard.
24:08They don't need PhDs, do they?
24:10Their heart is fucking committed.
24:11Takbir.
24:12I'm not trying to start.
24:13I'm a dresser, yeah?
24:14I'm just trying to bring in some real, actual protection.
24:16If you could just listen to me for once.
24:18If I want your fucking protection, I'll ask for your extra small condoms.
24:22You like that one, don't you?
24:23Tiny Lully, yeah?
24:24Stop pressing me, cuz.
24:25I'm going to chat to Abba.
24:26We have to discuss this.
24:27Doing my butt day and everything.
24:30Baba?
24:32What are you doing?
24:33Any fucking vagabond could just walk in.
24:35That's because you've taken off the back door.
24:37That's why I've hired a professional.
24:38Aye, professional.
24:39I'm not doubting that.
24:40If you let me do it, then it would be better for everyone.
24:43Sean Conry to the rescue, is it?
24:45How do you understand?
24:47Shah.
24:47Shah, brother.
24:48Shah, you better be a janu and help me take this to the car.
24:51I...
24:51Let's go.
24:53Sixty people's a lot for Reed.
24:54Your mommy needs my help.
24:58What are you putting?
25:00What are you doing?
25:02Chill, mommy.
25:03Bastard, you chill.
25:04For twenty fucking years, she's been trying to steal Eid.
25:07Already bringing her country swelling, kebabs.
25:09I like kebabs.
25:10Daira.
25:10What are you doing?
25:12Naila!
25:13Hey!
25:14It's a joint effort.
25:15Eid's a joint effort.
25:16I'm just doing my part.
25:17You've done already so much.
25:19Shahju, take the pots inside.
25:21Why are you giving Naila and Dee more work?
25:22It's nothing, Daira.
25:23I was telling Shahju.
25:25I could be doing so much more.
25:27Last night, sadly, it's no longer safe here.
25:30Why not move into my house?
25:32Who's not safe?
25:34What?
25:34Everybody stop!
25:35Can you stop here, Baba?
25:36Baba, can you just come here, please?
25:37Can you stop the work, everyone?
25:38Right.
25:38Let's have a little chat about Eid and the plan.
25:40It's your plan, yeah?
25:41What?
25:42Outsourcing our protection.
25:43There is Freemason nonce.
25:44I'm not a nonce.
25:45Should've gone to the hotel.
25:46Nigel's here to help secure the house.
25:48Look, Daira.
25:49There's nothing prepared.
25:50House won't be ready.
25:51Food won't be ready.
25:51Naila, Naila, please, Shahju.
25:53Sorry, guys.
25:54The prophet, please be upon him.
25:55Sorry.
25:56Exactly.
25:57Exactly.
25:57He said it best when he said,
25:59trust in Allah, but tie up your camel.
26:04My guy, he knows his stuff.
26:05You gotta hand it to him.
26:06I just want to say that holy days like this are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors,
26:10so perhaps you should think about moving your celebrations to a different location.
26:13Hey, Bencho, stop.
26:14One layover in Dubai thinks he knows our business.
26:16No, I've got tremendous respect for Islamic culture.
26:18Especially after six tours of Afghanistan.
26:23This is a war camera.
26:26The heroes have a lot of pain.
26:28Naila Ji.
26:29We will come with you.
26:30Let's do it.
26:31If something happened, then you're responsible.
26:35Okay, Naila Ji.
26:38Mommy, I didn't...
26:40Mommy!
26:44Lovely to meet the family.
26:45Colorful lot, aren't they?
26:46They really get after it.
26:48And your brother, he seems nice.
26:51He's not my brother.
26:52He's my cousin.
26:53But he was raised with us.
26:54Okay.
26:54It's complicated.
26:55All right.
26:55Well, look.
26:56This is for you, as you quote.
26:59Although, I would be willing to postpone payment, you know, in consideration of the future work.
27:06Because if my internet searches are correct, then you will be needing our services a lot more in the future.
27:10Oh, well, let's see what happens.
27:13It's really reasonable.
27:14Could you just leave it with me?
27:14I'm getting a few different quotes soon.
27:16That's fine.
27:16Okay.
27:17Oh, so did you want me to provide a personal for tonight?
27:20I can send one of my best guys.
27:21What did you do?
27:22You asked me to do security now.
27:23For tonight?
27:24I did.
27:25Him?
27:25Yeah, so I won't be needing it.
27:27Thank you for coming by.
27:28Yeah, no, absolute pleasure.
27:30Yeah.
27:31Well, oh, by the way, those stolen dashcams, the battery life is...
27:34So, bring a charger.
27:36All right.
27:36You can have that for free.
27:38Cheers, Nigel.
27:39Why are you wasting your money on these render fees, bro?
27:42I've had your back since day.
27:53I heard you go into this gala tonight.
27:56On your own, or...?
27:59I've got a plus one.
28:02Is it?
28:04I haven't got any shoes on trainers.
28:07Can I arrange it?
28:10Go on, get ready, you fucker.
28:18Give us fucker, give us fucker, give us fucker, give us fucker, give us fucker.
28:26Come on!
28:32Wait, that is a proper go fucker, then.
28:34It's a good joke I came to babysit you.
28:36Aye, bro, you might be taking care of the muscle, but I'm winning over the hearts and minds, yeah?
28:41what when you're in the middle of a culture war that's the real battleground big man how are you
28:44gonna fucking battle them with your horny make-up face what you know the face that you do when
28:48you're on the red carpet it looks like you're trying to shag that camera but you're worried
28:51the camera's gonna shag you no i'm not don't put that in my head right now you're gonna put me
28:54off
28:55okay for confirmation what is that yeah what man i look good there you look like you're making a
29:00pervy version of fucking planet earth all right let me just see something raj taka mother fucker
29:06it's all right all right don't jizz on my level seats you can't afford the cleaning fee okay listen
29:09let's just go there and smash it all right brother we are already fucking smashing it okay we are
29:13arriving in the muba prime experience look at this halal harry bowels custom specifically branded
29:18zamzam water your little mini dildo on the dashboard cuz look at me we are arriving like this is fast
29:23and furious but without the four skins you understand come on let's get it cuz yes yeah you ready yes
29:28okay yeah come on don't do that on the red carpet i can't guarantee there's a lot of excitement but
29:48also some displeasure at the idea of a gujarati playing pond proving those voices wrong has been my
29:55life's mission how so well it's why i want the role it's why i'm here speaking to you is that
30:01why
30:01you wanted to make a speech at the king's museum gala exactly to show people that this is what a
30:08hero
30:08can look like to show them that this too is what british looks like hey yo listen i support the
30:18team i
30:19support the team but when you finish tonight please get home with muba okay that's for you
30:23sir there's nowhere i service in your area i'm turkish your turkish then there's service in your
30:27area thank you excuse me sister no nc rickshaw
30:33Oh, man, can I get a pic?
30:37You want a pic?
30:37I'll kill you next week.
30:38Hey, yo, guys, guys, come and get a picture with your one and only fan.
30:41Come on.
30:42Oi, bro, you're ignoring me.
30:44Bro, we've got to go, man.
30:45Why are you going in there?
30:48Man, so down.
30:49You should be out here with us.
30:51Hey, yo, yo, yo, man, you're wearing a photo with you.
30:53What's the problem?
30:54Bro, if I get a photo to take with them a lot, it's not the right image I'm going for
30:57right now, all right?
30:58The real change happens in there.
30:59We've got to get in there.
31:02Listen, I know you think you're His Majesty's Secret Service or something, eh?
31:05But don't go full coconut pussy all around you tonight.
31:07Oh, yeah?
31:08Then don't go into father fuckboy on me, then.
31:10You want that respect, my guy?
31:11Keep it real, yeah?
31:12Okay, why don't you respect this?
31:14Watch and learn.
31:18You're doing it again?
31:18I'm not doing the face.
31:20You're doing the face again.
31:21All right, let me show you.
31:23Nah, you know what that is?
31:25You look like a paedophile German, bro.
31:27There's cameras.
31:27Why would you say paedophile?
31:28Because they don't have sound.
31:29It's photo.
31:30Hi.
31:31So happy to be here.
31:32Really, I'm so glad to be here.
31:34This is my associate, Magra Machika Learn.
31:36Can I ask who I might speak to about my speech this evening?
31:40Oh, we don't have you down as doing a speech.
31:42Oh, I think it's because I'm a last-minute addition.
31:46Well, live in your new house, I suppose.
31:48Yeah.
31:49She's our new director.
31:49Okay.
31:50Oh, I'm guessing I have a plus-one.
31:53Ah.
31:54Mr. Zulfokar Ali, CEO of Movie Enterprises.
31:57I just think it should be like an official record that I'm here tonight, so thank you.
32:02Because where the fuck have you bought us, man?
32:04This looks like the Jarl's bull sack.
32:07You're from humble beginnings like me.
32:09So, how's your family dealing with all this?
32:12The same way we deal with everything, as a team, together.
32:16I'm proud to say that we've all got each other's backs.
32:20Bro, this is mad.
32:21Yeah, I told you, bro.
32:22I've got stuff cooking.
32:23As-salamu alaykum.
32:24As-salamu alaykum.
32:25Sorry.
32:28All right.
32:30We've got to find this Vivian, yeah?
32:32Yeah.
32:33No point in me being here if I can't get on stage.
32:35There she is.
32:35Museum director, yeah?
32:36My God.
32:38The fuck are you, bro?
32:39Some eagle, bro.
32:40Look at this.
32:41Come on.
32:41All right, listen, now.
32:41I'm going to go work on her.
32:43Hey, yo, yo.
32:43Shall we take team her?
32:44What?
32:45Not like that.
32:46I mean, like, convince her together, like, good packy, bad packy.
32:50What would that be like?
32:52Like, good cop, bad cop.
32:53I've got packies.
32:55I've got this one covered, yeah?
32:57You sure, yeah?
32:57Yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:58In a bit.
32:59I'll be here.
33:01Sing, let me tell you about this.
33:03You said to me anymore, mommy, so we're going to think you have a need to talk complex.
33:07He didn't get it.
33:08You didn't get it.
33:08You didn't get it in your income.
33:09I'm sure.
33:11I'm Vivian, Charlotte Eve.
33:13Oh, yes, of course, Mr. Lateef.
33:15I wonder if I could borrow you for a moment.
33:17Oh, absolutely.
33:18Although anything borrowed has to be given back now, apparently.
33:21What can I do for you, Mr. Lateef?
33:22I was actually wondering what I might be able to do for you.
33:25There's nobody like Muslims that can get you to where you need to be on time.
33:28Brother, we are on time for prayers five times a day.
33:30If you call me, brr, brr, Zulfi, can you get me to where I need to go?
33:34I'll get you there.
33:34This museum means a great deal to me, and I saw you had a number of protesters outside.
33:39Yes, and it thrills me to see young people engaging in a conversation about our shared heritage and culture.
33:45In fact, we invite this kind of dialogue.
33:47Is it a dialogue, though, if you don't have an ambassador of sorts to help bridge the divide between those
33:51on the inside and those out there?
33:53Who's your name?
33:54Ali Reza.
33:55Ali Reza.
33:55I'm feeling the Iran.
33:57Yes.
33:57Yeah, a bit of Farsi, my guy, come on.
33:59So we could be in that region.
34:00I, for one, would be honoured to get up there and say a few words about how global Britain truly
34:07is, both in its artefacts and its people.
34:09You know, I'm an ape, then, Dian.
34:10I did not.
34:11Wow.
34:12What about yourself? Where are you from?
34:13London.
34:14You're from London?
34:15You sound...
34:17Originally from London?
34:19But I understand your latest acquisition is from a Muslim country.
34:22Yes, but treasures like the one we're unveiling tonight don't just belong to Islam.
34:25They belong to us all.
34:27So I can go up and say a few words?
34:29I'll be very brief.
34:30No, Miss Latif.
34:32That's simply not how we do things around here.
34:34This isn't a pop-up Banksy exhibit.
34:35Besides, we already have our dear friend Raj Thakar giving a speech.
34:38Enjoy your evening.
34:47And now, to the more uncomfortable part of our chat.
34:51You didn't think this was going to be all softballs, did you?
34:55Raj Thakar, your rival?
34:57I wouldn't call him that.
34:58Come on, come on.
35:00You can be honest.
35:01I can't be in the same room as Ian Magneto McKellen.
35:05Oh, sorry.
35:06Sir, Ian Magneto McKellen.
35:08I just think that there's plenty of room for all of us at the top.
35:12Oh, please.
35:13A day ago, you were the only brown bloke up for the job.
35:16And now, there are two.
35:18And word on the web is he'd make a better bond.
35:21Yeah, well, I don't really pay attention to what people say about me.
35:23It's just not in my nature.
35:25You should, old chap.
35:26He's a bigger name with a bigger fan base.
35:29And I dare say he's thought of as a better actor.
35:32That's subjective.
35:33Cut the camel shit, Latif.
35:36You couldn't even convince that museum director to let you speak.
35:40How do you expect to convince the world that you can be Bond?
35:44You don't stand a chance in a whore's pajamas, do you?
35:48You pussyhole.
35:50He's the god of this, you push-gun!
35:55No use being angry with me.
35:58You only have yourself to blame.
36:00I'm trying.
36:01Try harder.
36:03Do you understand?
36:07Here he is.
36:08Hey.
36:09Hey, sure, Latif.
36:10Man, I haven't seen you in a minute, bro.
36:12How's it going?
36:12Yeah, when was the last time I saw you?
36:15Mango Tree premiere.
36:16Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:17Thank you for coming.
36:18Man, you were so good in that.
36:19Do you guys see that?
36:20Under the mango tree.
36:22So it's about this magical mango tree.
36:24This white woman eats a mango.
36:25She travels back in time to colonial India.
36:27Falls in love with this Indian guy.
36:29And they have this relationship over space and time.
36:31It's about her.
36:32Loves timeless and crosses all sorts of boundaries.
36:36I don't know why I didn't connect more.
36:37Actually, can I?
36:38Where are you from?
36:39Yeah, yeah.
36:40Just for it.
36:40Yeah, thanks a lot.
36:42You look incredible, by the way.
36:43And very, very smart.
36:44Getting photographed in the tugs and holding that drink.
36:46It's just here to support one of our nation's most important cultural institutions.
36:53Just one thing's got people going mental, hasn't it?
36:56Yeah, people are passionate, man.
36:57It's just that the hate, though.
36:59The hate, it's a lot, right?
37:01I know you're probably getting a lot of that, too.
37:04Not really.
37:06Nothing to cry about.
37:08You've just got to stay grateful.
37:09People are busting their asses at dead-end jobs just to put food on the table.
37:13We live in the dream.
37:14Yeah.
37:15Yeah.
37:15We are.
37:15Yeah, hate's a small price to pay.
37:17It is.
37:17It's just some psycho sent a pig's head to my mom's house.
37:22Are you serious?
37:23Yeah.
37:23Fuckin' hell.
37:24That's actually why I'm here.
37:26I want to show them that no amount of hate is going to make me hide.
37:30And actually, if this museum can house treasures from all around the world, then this country
37:34has to take in people from all around the world.
37:36Am I right?
37:37Yeah, preach.
37:38Yeah.
37:38I just want to make a statement showing that this, this, too, is what British looks like.
37:43I love the passion, man.
37:45I'm so glad you said that because I heard that you're speaking later and I was thinking
37:48maybe we could tag-team it.
37:49Yeah, that's a great idea.
37:51Yeah.
37:52You've got something important to say.
37:53I want to be a part of that.
37:54Yeah.
37:55I'll tell you what, why don't I go up first and then I'll bring you up.
37:57I would love that.
37:58Thank you, my brother.
37:59Yeah, yeah.
37:59I love that, man.
38:00Of course.
38:01I really appreciate it.
38:01There you are.
38:03Hey.
38:03I know you.
38:04Oh, this is my security guy.
38:05The Muba guy.
38:06Yeah, I overheard you chatting about it earlier.
38:08I love the concept.
38:09Thank you, brother.
38:09Yeah, yeah.
38:10Are you Muslim?
38:12Help me all.
38:12A little.
38:14Yeah.
38:15I'll spread the word.
38:16Nice.
38:18Yeah.
38:19Okay.
38:19I'll go, I'll go.
38:20That's my mom.
38:21You brought your mom?
38:21Yeah, yeah, yeah.
38:23I wouldn't be here without her, so I shouldn't be here without her, you know?
38:26It's a little thicker.
38:27That's me.
38:27That's me.
38:28Good to see you, man.
38:29Yeah, you too.
38:33He's either the sweetest twat I've ever met or the thickest twat.
38:37You're a thick twat.
38:39What?
38:39It's a pretty guy.
38:42That's all I'm to.
38:43You literally told me to bring her here as security.
38:45Why are you getting cranky?
38:46Oh, you haven't broken fast, huh?
38:48No, I haven't.
38:49Of course I'm hungry, man.
38:50You don't eat a canapé.
38:50Champagne, gentleman.
38:51Just have a little canapé, bro.
38:54Have a little something to eat.
38:56Nothing here.
38:56It's halal.
38:57None of the little things, the big things.
38:58None of it.
38:58Have some halumi.
38:59Halumi.
39:00Halumi's not as rainy.
39:01That's what they want you to think.
39:02It's an Arabic.
39:03Cheers.
39:04Prove it to me.
39:04Google it.
39:05You know, I don't use Google.
39:10Too kind.
39:13Good evening.
39:14In 2001, we watched in horror as Taliban fanatics laid waste to a once great nation's cultural heritage.
39:25We wept as monuments to peace were turned to rubble.
39:30But tonight, we right this wrong.
39:33After a nine-year, 15 million pound restoration project, it is my honor to present to you tonight
39:40the restored Buddha of Bamiyan.
39:56And now an extra special treat.
39:59It is with great enthusiasm that I invite tonight's guest speaker to the stage.
40:04The most gentleman of Vampire Hunter I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, Raj Dakar.
40:16It's an honor to be here, I mean.
40:19Wow.
40:21This museum is home to artifacts from around the globe.
40:26And so it should follow that England, too, is home to people from those same places.
40:31Now, tonight is a celebration, but I would like to speak with you all about my experiences
40:35as an Englishman and as a person of color.
40:39However, recently, racist hate took the form of a severed pig's head delivered to my family's doorstep.
40:51It was horrific.
40:53There was blood everywhere.
40:54My mother was left traumatized.
40:57Mummy, I'm sorry.
41:00But no amount of hate will make me hide.
41:04Those driven by prejudice, they need to see us in these spaces.
41:12And because this, too, is what British looks like.
41:21Excuse me, Sir Latif.
41:23Do you have a situation?
41:24A man claiming to be your brother has been harassing and racially profiling museum guests.
41:29What?
41:33Oh, and, uh, Sir Latif wanted to say something, too.
41:36I'm about to go on, man.
41:37Sir?
41:39Otherwise, we're going to have to escort him off the premises immediately.
41:42I don't know it.
41:50I don't know it.
42:12Line's out.
42:15Line?
42:16I can do better.
42:17I can.
42:18Can you now?
42:20Let's see.
42:21I also had a pig's head sent to my mom's house.
42:28I, um...
42:29Nice one, dickhead.
42:31You're more frozen than me.
42:33But it's not your acting that's the problem, is it?
42:36It's who you are.
42:39You don't have the balls to be bombed.
42:43Hey, yo, guys.
42:44Mom, I meet you one and only fans.
42:45You turned your back on your own fans.
42:48Man, slow down.
42:49You turned your back on your own family.
42:52I'm going to fuck with you, bro.
42:55Face it.
42:56People like you are never the heroes of the story.
43:00You'll always just be a scared little packy.
43:09Send him back where he came from!
43:16I'm going to fuck with you.
43:18Go!
43:24I'm going to fuck with you.
43:26Oh!
43:29Oh!
43:30Please!
43:32Oh!
43:33Oh!
43:35Oh!
43:39Oh!
43:39Oh!
43:40Oh!
43:41yeah okay yeah you what we're doing oh what are you doing nothing bro it's 2
43:53a.m. we're talking to someone or what oh sorry I was just running lights in a
44:00suit costume in it oh well the moon's been cited so
44:04eat Mubarak yeah the night you widow
44:13eat Mubarak bitch
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