- 2 days ago
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00:07Why are we having a barbecue it's freezing because four days ago is really hot
00:14Let's play a drinking game. Okay, I'll stop never have I ever
00:19Kissed two boys on the same night
00:22guilty
00:22See me next never have I ever accidentally booked a neo-nazi to headline a music festival
00:33Go you said you wouldn't be
00:41Being friends with Jeffrey Epstein
00:51Is that Melania Trump I said never have I ever been friends with billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein
01:01What are you doing in a garden in Croydon? I am here to stop you nasty people spreading rumors about
01:08me
01:09We weren't doing that we weren't even talking about you
01:14Oh
01:16Are you okay? Of course not now
01:24Okay, truth or dare
01:27My go how dare you accuse me of female friendship with short-haired sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell
01:36Why do you keep bringing up all the Epstein stuff?
01:39Yeah, like your husband literally started a war to distract us from it
01:42It was kind of working to be fair to the lad
01:44Yeah
01:44New game
01:46Shrattes
01:47I'll go first
01:49Is it the Epstein funnels?
01:50Yes
01:50Yes
01:53And oh look I am not in them
01:58God this area has changed so much since they opened that gales
02:05Look it was really nice meeting you but we're gonna go back inside
02:09Good idea
02:10Let's go inside
02:11Not you you're making it weird
02:16I beg for one last chance
02:19I have no friends since they all randomly died in a maximum security prison
02:28Fine but this is legit your last chance diva
02:30Okay, okay final game
02:32Two truths and lie
02:34I love my new friends
02:36Aww
02:37I like poor people
02:40Wink wink
02:41Yeah
02:42And
02:43Live from London it's Canada
02:53It's Saturday Night Live
02:58With
03:03Hamid Annemichael
03:08Aya Waday Barfoye
03:15Farid D
03:23Celeste Briggs
03:29George Borlaken
03:35Anya Magliano
03:41Annabelle Marlowe
03:45Al Nash
03:51Jutcher
03:57Emma Sladey
04:04Maddie Young
04:11Musical guest Georgia Smith
04:18And your host Jack Whitehall
04:30Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Whitehall!
04:36Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Whitehall!
04:49Hello! Good evening! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm Jack Whitehall and I'm so excited to be your host
04:55tonight. And can I start by saying, what an amazing series it has already been. SNL UK crushing it!
05:02With some amazing hosts as well. Week one, they had SNL royalty. Week two, they had an international sex symbol.
05:11Week three, an Academy Award winner. And this week, you guys get the star of Clifford the Big Red Dog.
05:20Oh yeah. The stuff of dreams. SNL UK. I love that. Do you know what else I love? I love
05:26that finally, we've taken one of their shows. Right?
05:31Yeah, America's had enough of ours. Yeah, they had the office, the bake-off. They had that one, the reality
05:38show my fiance loves. The one where they follow the dating lives of people with learning difficulties. Love Island. Love
05:45Island. That's the one.
05:48You weren't sure about that one. It's fine. You can edit it out. No. I...
05:54This is a big deal. This is a big deal hosting this. But do you know what? It's not even
05:57the biggest thing that's going on in my life right now. Because next week, I am genuinely getting married.
06:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
06:03Thank you. Yeah, I really shouldn't be here. I am the groom though. That's very much a ceremonial role. I
06:11just am there to nod everything through. It has been noted. The other day, my fiance turned to me, she
06:15went,
06:15Jack, in one of those meetings with the wedding planners, when they were talking to you, it was literally like
06:20they were talking to a wall.
06:21I was thinking, yeah, a wall with a cash machine in it.
06:26LAUGHTER
06:26It is honestly out of control. The flowers, the canapes, the band.
06:31We only went and booked bloody Scott Mills as the wedding DJ.
06:36LAUGHTER
06:36Not seeing that deposit again.
06:38LAUGHTER
06:40Everything has to be bespoke as well. Bespoke.
06:42That is a word right now that makes my sphincter clench.
06:46LAUGHTER
06:46She insisted on having bespoke invitations, right, these ridiculous things.
06:51It was like on a fold-out booklet, handwritten in quill by a blind Franciscan monk.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:58It's a parchment paper that had been ripped out the back of the Magna Carta,
07:01sealed with a gold ribbon and delivered to all of our guests via Peacock.
07:06LAUGHTER
07:06They asked me all I wanted for invitations. I said, what is wrong with a WhatsApp group?
07:10LAUGHTER
07:11Simple, efficient, easy to kick anyone off if they asked to bring a child.
07:16Nope. Had to fork out for a calligrapher instead.
07:19A calligrapher. How is that still even a thing?
07:23Every day I read about how AI is coming for our jobs.
07:27How has it not come for the calligraphers already?
07:30LAUGHTER
07:30How is a calligrapher affording his mortgage in 2026?
07:34LAUGHTER
07:34Oh, I'll tell you how. This schmuck here...
07:38LAUGHTER
07:38Really gone for the calligraphy community tonight.
07:41You can already see it. I'm going to get a load of angry letters in beautiful handwriting.
07:46LAUGHTER
07:48We over-invited as well.
07:50The other day, my missus, she turned to me and she said,
07:53Oh, Jack, you know, sometimes I wish that it could just be me and you.
07:57You couldn't have mentioned that before?
08:00LAUGHTER
08:00Where was this attitude six months ago?
08:03I don't want to see any of these people!
08:05I've spent the last two months praying for another pandemic!
08:09LAUGHTER
08:10Thankfully, though, I did save a little bit of money on the honeymoon.
08:13Oh, yeah, she wanted to go on a romantic cruise.
08:16I got an unbelievable deal on two weeks narrowboating down the Straits of Hormuz.
08:22LAUGHTER
08:24Bargain and a free fireworks display every night.
08:26LAUGHTER
08:28Honestly, though, it's like planning a royal wedding, literally,
08:32in that the whole thing could be ruined if my uncle turns up.
08:36LAUGHTER
08:40We're doing that as well at the moment, the seating plan.
08:42That's very stressful, right?
08:43I don't want to be too indiscreet, but we've got these two guests coming,
08:47right, and they slept together, like, years ago,
08:50and now they do not talk.
08:52I know, awkward.
08:53I was like, surely we put them at opposite ends of the marquee,
08:56but my fiancée is insisting that my mum and dad sit together.
09:00LAUGHTER
09:04It's so nice to be here.
09:06It's so nice to be here this evening as well,
09:07to have a little bit of a distraction.
09:09Thank you, because...
09:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
09:13I'm going to let you into a little secret.
09:15Tonight is also the night that my fiancée is on her hen-do,
09:18so it's really nice to be here.
09:21Yeah, I'm here with you, cracking gags.
09:23She is currently in Soho, getting dry humped by one of Magic Mike.
09:26LAUGHTER
09:27Which also means that, technically,
09:29this is kind of my second stag.
09:31Oh, yeah!
09:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
09:33We're going to have so much fun this evening, guys.
09:35Stick around for some hilarious sketches and music
09:38from the amazing Georgia Smith!
09:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
09:49Gary is still the highest-scoring striker ever to play for Albion,
09:53and he owes a lot to the first man ever to teach him to kick a ball,
09:57his old-school teacher, Ted Bagley.
10:01He probably won't recognise me, cos he won't believe it's me.
10:05LAUGHTER
10:07Hello, Gary.
10:08Long time no see.
10:11Mr Bagley?
10:13You're alive?
10:15I'm alive, he says.
10:17How are you doing?
10:19Someone said you was dead.
10:21I'm so glad...
10:22how well you've done for yourself.
10:26You're so supportive.
10:27You're kind of, like, having his...
10:28kind of, like, your special guy.
10:31Hello, Gary.
10:33Hello, Gary.
10:34This is Todd.
10:37So, so, how you was dead?
10:38Well, I'm not as sprightly as they used to be,
10:41but still going.
10:42Truth be told,
10:43I was only his substitute French teacher for a couple of weeks
10:46when Monsieur Durand was helping the police with their enquiries.
10:49But we're all so proud of Gary.
10:57Hello.
10:58Gary, son.
11:01Dead?
11:02No, I'm definitely dead.
11:04Not yet, boy.
11:06That's all you learned into the crowd.
11:08No, man, I was never in there.
11:11I left his mother,
11:13and we agreed it were better he thought I was dead.
11:16Oh, no.
11:17I'd only moved two streets over.
11:24Hello, Gary.
11:26My God.
11:28It's the jogger I hit on that misty country lane.
11:33I finished you off with a brick before I fled the scene.
11:36They ended up sticking a metal plate to me bonce.
11:39I can't believe it.
11:42That free kick you scored against Watford.
11:48Oh, run, babe.
11:55Dobby.
11:56Master Gary.
11:57I thought he was both dead as well.
12:03I'm so bad in you, Master Gary.
12:05Tom, all right, lads.
12:23You hear that?
12:2450,000 people counting on us.
12:26Let's get fired up.
12:27Ah, let's go!
12:29Three points, boys. Are we gonna do it?
12:31We got this. Let's score goals and have them score no goals.
12:34Yes! Let's go!
12:35Right. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. I'm just bringing in your mascots for the day.
12:40Now, these are our lucky competition winners.
12:42Say hello to the boys.
12:44Hello.
12:45Yeah.
12:46All right. Now, once you've walked out there and said hello to the big crowd,
12:49I'll take you to Mum and Dad, okay?
12:52Thanks, lads. You doing this, it really makes some of these kids' days.
12:55All right.
12:55Thank you for the badge. All right, lads, let's do this.
12:57Let's go!
12:59Hey, guys. Quick question before we go out.
13:01Yes, Jonesy.
13:02Does anyone want to swap kids?
13:11What do you mean, swap kids?
13:13Well, like, one of you guys walks out with my kid and I walk out with one of your kids.
13:18I don't like my one.
13:22I mean, what's wrong with your one?
13:24Well, look, something's off about it.
13:27They're just kids, man. Let's get out there and play.
13:29Yeah, but that's the thing, though. I feel like if I walk out there with this one, I'm going to
13:34play badly.
13:35That's ridiculous. Who cares what kid you walk out with, man?
13:38Well, if you don't care, why don't we swap?
13:39No one's swapping kids.
13:42That's easy for you to say. You got a good one.
13:44Leave it. This is the derby. No distractions.
13:48Yeah, man. No distractions.
13:49This is so unfair.
13:51Last week when we played Fulham, I got the worst one then, too, but I didn't say anything.
13:55And then I played really badly, so this time I'm speaking up.
13:58Oh, my God's sake.
14:00Oh, my God's sake. Maybe we should just swap out of kids.
14:02Are you serious?
14:04Just do it, Woodsy, so we can get out there.
14:08Fine, but just so you know, this is ridiculous.
14:10Right, OK.
14:12There you go.
14:15There. Happy?
14:17Thank you. I really appreciate it.
14:19OK. Ready, lads?
14:20We're ready! Let's go!
14:21Actually, no.
14:22What?
14:23This one's worse.
14:25Are you serious right now?
14:27Yeah, I'm going to be honest.
14:28Now that I've got this one, I'm getting big adolescence vibes.
14:32I couldn't tell from far away.
14:34All right, well, I'm not swapping back if that's what you're asking.
14:36Yeah, of course you don't want to swap back.
14:38You tricked me into accepting an absolute stinker and got away with it.
14:41Well, that's your problem, isn't it?
14:43Er, hang on, bro.
14:44Did you willingly swap kids knowing your one was worse than Jonesy's?
14:47Er, that's not on!
14:48Yeah, not cool, Woodsy.
14:50All right, so what have I did?
14:51I'm the captain, I stand at the front, I should get one of the best kids.
14:56Guys, guys, this is getting toxic.
14:58We need a random reshuffle of the kids.
15:00And that's big of me to suggest, considering I've probably got the best one I've had all season.
15:04What are you talking about?
15:05You always get the good ones, I always get the bad kids.
15:07That's not true!
15:08That's not true!
15:09Guys, guys, we had a good system when I was at Burnley.
15:12We wrote each kid on a piece of paper and pulled them from a hat.
15:15But, if you got Man of the Match the week before, and you weren't happy with your first kids,
15:19you were allowed for one to redraw.
15:22Yeah, all right.
15:22It sounds all right.
15:23Guys, guys, guys, listen to yourselves.
15:27This might sound crazy, but why don't we ask the kids who they want to go with?
15:30They might have a favourite player, could really make their day.
15:32Shut up!
15:34I vote for the Burnley system.
15:35Right, Burnley system it is.
15:38I'll get a hat.
15:39Start the game without me!
16:16Hello, and welcome to Mastermind with me, Clive Myrie.
16:20I'm so good I can host quiz shows, but Stephen Mulhern could never read the news.
16:26Let's welcome our first contender.
16:36Your name?
16:37Ben Michael.
16:38Your occupation?
16:40Something in IT.
16:42And your specialist subject?
16:45Things my mum has told me about people I've never met and have no connection to.
16:50That's right, your mum Sue is a glorious gossiper who seems to know everything about everyone.
16:56In two minutes, your time starts now.
16:59Who recently had a tyre stolen off their caravan whilst holidaying in Dorset?
17:03Peggy and Len.
17:06Yes.
17:07Why does Linda from Pilates have an extra wheelie bin?
17:09She got a free one by pretending to be a registered childminder.
17:14Yes, whilst travelling by train, who did your second cousin Monica's driving instructor think they saw?
17:19Nick Knowles.
17:22Yes, and for a bonus point, what was he eating?
17:24Chicken from his jacket pocket.
17:27Yes, in 2012, your mum's podiatrist, Helen, caught an eye infection from what white liquid?
17:32Out-of-date sun cream?
17:34No, no, no, no, mayonnaise.
17:38Why didn't Frank come to the pub last Friday?
17:41Uh, because his gout flare-up means he currently can't wear shoes.
17:44Yes, what's this?
17:47Oh, I know this.
17:48What is that?
17:49That is Lynn's post-op scar?
17:51No, Joe from Number 17's...
17:52Joe from Number 17's brand new patio.
17:55Ah, I knew that.
17:56Who died last week?
17:58Gillian of Gary and Gillian, who they met on a cruise 23 years ago.
18:03Yes, and for a bonus point, what from?
18:05Oh, mum did tell me that.
18:06Uh, sorry, past.
18:09What noise has Miriam Martin's air fryer started making?
18:13Um, uh, ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch.
18:17No, it's...
18:23On Tuesday, what piece of information did your mum tell you not to put on the internet?
18:27That Pat has a new gate.
18:28Yes.
18:33Why is Ryul, the tree surgeon, divorcing his wife?
18:35Because she cheated on him.
18:37I need you to be more specific.
18:39With a very tall woman.
18:42I'll accept that.
18:45In what chain restaurant did Fiona's daughter get engaged?
18:49Uh, Las Iguanas?
18:50No, Turtle Bay.
18:52Whose hair transplant hasn't taken?
18:54Uh, Angela from next door's brother-in-law's husband's plumber's sister's friend, Gary Fulcher.
18:59Hey, that's me!
19:03Yes, according to her doctor, I've started so I'll finish, who has a rare glandular condition that makes her sweat
19:10smell exactly like gravy.
19:12Angie from the co-op.
19:15Yes, Ben, at the end of that round, you have ten points and one pass.
19:18The answer was, of course, she was kicked to death by a horse.
19:22Yeah, sorry, I was scrolling when she told me I should have paid attention.
19:26That's why you must always listen to mummy.
19:32Our next contender, please.
19:42Your name?
19:43Polly Houlton.
19:44Your occupation?
19:45Uh, something else in IT.
19:47And your specialist subject?
19:49Life-changing texts my dad has replied to with the thumbs-up emoji.
20:01Dad, I'm going to art school.
20:04What's that got to do with World War II?
20:07Struggling to connect with your dad?
20:09You're not alone.
20:10Dads are scientifically proven to be amongst the hardest parents to connect with.
20:15They're the trained Wi-Fi of people.
20:18But have you ever wondered if, maybe, you've just got the wrong one?
20:23Introducing, Dad Swap.
20:25Dad Swap.
20:26Using an advanced algorithm, that's what takes your hobbies and passions and matches you
20:32with a brand-new dad.
20:35Bonjour!
20:36New son!
20:40While rehoming your dad with someone more his speed.
20:45My dad didn't know how to raise a girl.
20:47But Steve does.
20:48Don't you, Steve?
20:50I'm a girl dad now.
20:53I'm a punk rocker, but all my boring old dad wanted to talk about was bossa nova.
20:57Thanks to Dad Swap, I found the punk daddy just for me.
21:05My dad always struggled to accept my sexuality.
21:08But now, thanks to Dad Swap, I have a gay dad who has all the same hobbies as me.
21:17One thing we didn't think about was how easy it would be to develop romantic feelings for your new dad.
21:24We both love to paint.
21:26We've got so much to talk about.
21:28And now, we're engaged.
21:33I mean, they're both adults.
21:35They're not related, so technically it is allowed.
21:39It's not just gay dads.
21:41I'm also dating my new dad.
21:44It's not illegal.
21:46I know.
21:46I said it's technically allowed.
21:49But I'm saying I do not endorse this use of the app.
21:55I do understand how this has happened, obviously.
21:59A man has just moved into your house.
22:01You're both emotionally vulnerable.
22:03He's got all the same hobbies as you.
22:04He's just left his wife.
22:06You're spending more and more time together.
22:10I've invested so much money in this app.
22:14I've absolutely f***ed it.
22:17I downloaded DadSwap and traded my dad for a guy my own age.
22:22That's not a dad.
22:23That's a boyfriend.
22:25There's other apps for doing that.
22:26This one is for swapping dads.
22:30DadSwap.
22:31If it happens, it happens.
22:33It's not illegal.
22:34I know.
22:38DadSwap.
22:47Here we are on the 18th hole.
22:50You could cut the tension with a knife.
22:52We're not whispering.
22:53This is just as loud as our voices can go.
22:56If you're joining us at the Masters,
22:58we're at the end of a marathon playoff
23:00between Ian Connor and Sven Nielsen.
23:03And Ian Connor is just one putt away
23:05from his first Masters title.
23:07Here goes.
23:14And he's finally done it.
23:16Look how much it means to him.
23:18Amazing.
23:20And here comes his wife.
23:22Oh, look at the emotion.
23:25Oh, and a lovely little kiss there.
23:28Beautiful scenes.
23:29Here comes his trusty caddy, Bruce Atkins.
23:32They've been together for years.
23:34It's lovely.
23:35And, oh.
23:36Looks like they're sharing a little kiss as well.
23:39Fantastic scenes.
23:41Oh, and here's Sven Nielsen, his opponent.
23:42He fought so valiantly today a true competitor.
23:45Big handshake there.
23:46What a gentleman.
23:46Oh, yeah.
23:47A consolatory kiss for him too.
23:49What sportsmanship.
23:50Amazing scenes.
23:51And here comes Sven's wife.
23:53Oh, yeah.
23:54It looks like she's sharing a little kiss with Ian too.
23:56And now Ian's wife is stepping back onto the green.
24:00And she's...
24:01Yeah, she's sharing a little kiss with her husband's opponent.
24:04But will the wives go in for a kiss too?
24:06Yeah.
24:06Oh, oh.
24:08They will.
24:09Yes.
24:09And now they're...
24:10Oh, yeah.
24:10They're all sharing little kisses with each other.
24:12This is what golf is all about.
24:15This scene atmosphere here is electric.
24:18Oh.
24:19What's happening now is that...
24:20Yeah.
24:21It looks like they're all swapping keys.
24:24That's a big step for any polycule.
24:26Some might say they're moving too fast, but the crowd are loving it.
24:29Incredible scenes here on the 18th green.
24:32Mm.
24:32And...
24:33Oh.
24:33Yeah.
24:33It looks like they're taking part in a commitment ceremony.
24:36Promising to treat each other with respect and always maintain open communication.
24:41What a weekend of golf this is turning out to be.
24:44Yeah.
24:44I've said it better myself.
24:46Oh, and what's happening now?
24:49I think that...
24:50Yeah, they have.
24:51They've ordered a super king-sized mattress that they can all sleep on together.
24:55That's the biggest mattress size you can get.
24:57Amazing scenes.
24:58Yeah.
24:59And you have to assume they're going to go for the classic arrangement.
25:01Boy-girl, boy-girl.
25:02Absolutely.
25:03They're watching Masters at work.
25:05Then they're signing for the package.
25:08Oh.
25:08Yeah.
25:08Now he's going to move me down with a kiss.
25:11Oh, here come the wives.
25:13They're sharing a little kiss with the delivery driver too.
25:17Ah.
25:17But whoa.
25:18It looks like there's no little kiss for Ian.
25:22Unprecedented scenes.
25:23And...
25:24Oh.
25:24It looks like now the other three members are explaining to Ian that he's being replaced
25:28in the polycule by the delivery guy.
25:33Golf can be such a cruel sport.
25:37It truly can.
25:39It truly, truly can.
25:41And...
25:42Oh.
25:42What's this?
25:43It looks like Ian's taking his phone out.
25:45I think he's...
25:46Yep.
25:46He's getting back on the apps.
25:48Yeah.
25:49He's looking for some rebound sex.
25:51And can you blame him after the day he's had?
25:53First he bogeyed the fifth hole.
25:55Then he opened up his marriage and ruined his life.
25:58And...
25:59Oh.
25:59What's this?
26:00Looks like he's found a match.
26:01You're right.
26:02Is that...
26:02It is.
26:03It's Bruce Atkins.
26:04His old chaddy.
26:06Oh.
26:06Amazing.
26:07Those two have so much respect to get there.
26:09But if finally they can consummate their unspoken love.
26:14What a day.
26:18What a day of golf we have witnessed.
26:21It just goes to show sometimes the love of your life can be right underneath your nose.
26:27Maybe it's someone you've been working with for years and years.
26:29But you can't bring yourself to say anything for fear of rejection.
26:33Well, I've seen enough golf to know that sometimes those feelings are reciprocated.
26:36And the other person is just waiting for the first person to make a move.
26:52Well, that's it for the golf today.
26:54Join us next week for the LIV tournament in Saudi Arabia where we won't be invited.
26:58Good night.
27:11Ladies and gentlemen, Georgia Smith.
27:29I didn't hope that you'll be here tonight.
28:35If you don't want to play these games, just tell me what you need and we can go there.
28:41Only for the weekend.
28:43I just set up with my friends.
28:45Don't tell me that you're leaving.
28:48Think I came at the right time.
28:50Do you know what's on my mind?
28:52Can you stay for the evening?
28:55Don't tell me what's on my mind.
28:59Don't tell me what's on my mind.
29:02Don't tell me what's on my mind.
29:15Don't tell me what's on my mind.
29:17I'm not going to go to the right time.
29:29No one can go to the right time.
29:31Don't tell me what's on my mind.
29:38It's a little day to get me high and keep me going
29:41Just a little bit of you and now nobody knows it
29:45Just a little day for you and I
29:48Just a little bit of you and now nobody knows it
29:52What time is it when the party starts?
30:26What time is it when the party starts?
30:44What time is it when the party starts?
31:07It's Weekend Update with Anya Magliano and Paddy Young
31:20Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Paddy Young
31:25And I'm Anya Magliano
31:29Prime Minister Keir Starmer finally arrived in the Gulf region this week
31:34Just in time for the evening do of the Iran War
31:37Starmer, seen here describing his favourite shape of tube
31:42Was accompanied on the trip by a team of reporters
31:45And after spending three days with Keir Starmer
31:47They might be the first journalists in Saudi Arabia to kill themselves
31:55Due to security constraints, Starmer was only able to travel with a small number of journalists
32:01Or what the Saudi Crown Prince would call a suitcase full
32:06In the UAE after 70 Brits have been jailed after filming missile strikes
32:12Which is a useful reminder to put your phone away and just enjoy missile strikes in the moment
32:20Disgraced former minister and friend of Geoffrey Epstein Peter Mandelson
32:23Seen here connecting his cock to Bluetooth
32:27Is being fined £300 for urinating in public
32:31I feel sorry for Mandelson
32:33We've all been there
32:34Not there, Jesus
32:36I'm there needing a wee
32:39This morning, the Artemis 2 mission returned to Earth
32:42Mission commander Reid Wiseman said there were
32:45Quote, no adjectives to describe what they observed on the moon
32:49May I suggest, Mooney
32:54President Donald Trump managed to speak to the crew on the phone this week
33:02While they were on the other side of the moon
33:04So remember, girls, if he wanted to, he would
33:09Artemis 2 splashed down successfully in the Pacific Ocean
33:12It was called a monumental achievement by the scientific community
33:15And the darkest day in our history by the pod of dolphins it smashed into
33:23Rishi Sunak has posted a photo of himself on crutches
33:26After, quote, showing off to his daughters on an Easter skiing trip
33:30Well, I don't know who this Rishi Sunak fellow is, but get well soon
33:36The Grand National took place today, and in a weekend update exclusive
33:40We have the winner of the race with us in the studio
33:43It's Paul Townend
33:48Hello everyone, good evening
33:51Paul, firstly, congratulations on the win
33:53What was it like out there?
33:55Well, to be fair, tough race for me
33:57First couple of fences I found tricky
33:59But after a few furlongs I pushed through and took the trophy
34:09Oh, sorry, did I interrupt?
34:12Hi, can we help you?
34:14No, it's weird, I just thought this was an interview with the winner of the Grand National
34:18And then I turn up, and you're chatting to this free-riding prick
34:22Sorry, who are you?
34:24My name's I am Maximus, right?
34:26The horse that actually won the Grand National
34:28No, you're the horse I rode to win the Grand National
34:31The absolute cheek of this guy
34:33What exactly did you contribute?
34:35I'm 6% body fat, I can run at 35 miles an hour
34:38I got a dick like a Pringles tube, by the way
34:41So, what was your skill set again?
34:42Oh yes, being 4 foot 9
34:43How dare you?
34:45How dare you?
34:46Guys, guys, guys, guys
34:48Let's not ruin the good name of horses being forced to run for our pleasure
34:53Well, I worked hard too, it's grueling
34:55I sprained my elbow
34:59Oh yeah, you sprained your elbow and what happened?
35:01They'd come you up in a white tent and shoot you?
35:03Yeah, I thought not
35:05That's standard practice
35:07You don't get it, do you, you little gerbil?
35:10You don't know what it's like out there, man
35:13Brutal heat, scary jumps
35:14Not to mention, you're with me
35:16Nay, I told you, I wasn't into that
35:18I made my boundaries very clear
35:21Nay means nay
35:26Oh, Maximus, I'm sorry
35:29I didn't know you felt that way
35:31Is there anything I can do?
35:34Let me ride you
35:37What?
35:38Let me ride you
35:43Here, live on Sky TV
35:46And stream the next day on Peacock
35:49Yeah
35:49Let me know the thrill of commanding another
35:53Okay, just this once
35:54Get on
35:59How's it feel?
36:01Good, yeah
36:03Is that a Pringles tube in your pocket?
36:05We ride!
36:06See?
36:07The National winners, everyone!
36:15Ringo Starr has claimed that broccoli is what helps him tour at the age of 85
36:20That and having been in a band called The Beatles
36:25New research from Oxford University
36:28Has found that artificial intelligence can be used to detect fat
36:31That is otherwise invisible to the human eye
36:34Who do you think you are?
36:36My mum
36:39Controversial US surveillance firm Palantir
36:42Has been given access to details of one and a half million NHS employees
36:46It's insane
36:48Giving the keys to our health system
36:50To Palantir
36:51A sinister military contractor
36:53With links to the CIA
36:54Which makes billions
36:56Profiting from targeting systems
36:58For drone strikes
37:00Is such a great idea
37:03I love Palantir
37:05I love Palantir
37:06Palantir
37:06Driving productivity across the UK
37:08Through AI-powered software
37:11Steve
37:18Steve Wainwright, a retired engineer and DIY enthusiast from Peterborough
37:23Has become obsessed with making oversized models of everyday objects
37:28Well done, Steve
37:29Here's your medication
37:33What time is it?
37:34It's prison time
37:38That's right
37:39X-Factors Chico has been sentenced for drink driving
37:43After giving an emotional speech to court
37:45He's got the jury's vote
37:47But will he impress the judges?
37:51In a new effort to protect hedgehogs
37:54Officials in Germany are planning to ban
37:57The night-time use of automatic lawnmowers
37:59Or as German hedgehogs call them
38:01Nachtkunst
38:04The Welsh town of Ebu Vale
38:06Has been named Britain's fattest town
38:09Much to the annoyance of its mayor
38:11These labels don't help us
38:13They're outdated and quite frankly offensive
38:15He said fatly
38:18Italian researchers have conducted tests on the shroud of Turin
38:22The linen cloth in which Jesus is believed to have been buried
38:25Their findings reveal traces of DNA
38:27Including those of cats and carrots
38:31Feline companions and root vegetables
38:33So Jesus was living as a bisexual woman
38:38A ferry service in Southampton has gone into liquidation
38:42Well, yeah
38:43That's how boats work
38:47Oxfordshire police are hunting a shopper
38:49Who defecated on a shop shelf in Banbury
38:52The suspect is described as really needing a shit in Banbury
38:58Unfortunately for a nearby John Lewis
39:00They had to match it
39:05On Thursday, K-pop band BTS
39:07Kicked off their $1 billion world tour
39:10On the back of their hit single, Swim
39:12But my question is
39:31Don't ask me
39:32I'm not really into K-pop
39:42A report has found almost two-thirds of Gen Z
39:45Say they go out less than before
39:47Here to tell us what's really going on
39:49Is our Gen Z correspondents
39:51Annabelle, Marlowe and Jackson
39:56Hi, Paddy
39:57Hi
39:58What the hell is going on with Gen Z?
40:00It's simple
40:01Every Friday night
40:03Gen Z like to
40:04Huff a little glue
40:06And show a little nip
40:10And that's Gen Z
40:12Let's break it down for him
40:14On Friday
40:15We
40:16Go to high parking leads
40:17Split the G
40:18And practice our bird noises
40:20Shung girl
40:21Ow!
40:22Ow!
40:24Ow!
40:24Ow!
40:24Gen Z love making sound effects
40:27Jack can do a gunshot from really far away
40:30Shung girl
40:41And Annabelle does a really good impression of saying thanks to a waiter when you're mid-convert
40:53Why do Gen Z like sound effects?
40:55Because we're expressing our gender of course
40:57Gen Z loves gender
40:59I express my gender by looking like Claire Balding if she were a Vampire Weekend fan
41:05And I express my gender by being a girl at the pub
41:09Sorry
41:09So sorry
41:10Instead of clubbing Gen Z are doing what exactly?
41:14Well
41:14They're going to the black and white pictures
41:17Roll out the cup and have a little cigarette
41:22And then we post a link to an infographic about gay rights
41:26And wrongs
41:27I'll tell you what's gay wrong
41:29These titties
41:31This sounds like maybe it's just you two
41:33No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
41:36I really don't know how much more obvious we can make this
41:39Gen Z love to
41:40Huff a little glue
41:42Show a little nip
41:43And call in a bomb threat
41:48I still don't get what Gen Z like
41:50I'll tell you what we like you rude old bitch
41:54We love the music of Steely Dan, Catcher in the Rye, and the work of character actor Bob Hoskins, oh,
42:01the Long Good Friday, now that was a key, eh, eh, eh, we love doing that noise too, keep it
42:07up, guys, I think I get it now, Gen Z like to, half-glue, show-nip, bomb threat, Jack Sheppard,
42:14Anna Bob Marlow, everyone,
42:23Oh, Weekend Monday, I'm funny, oh, and I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
42:26Good night!
43:01Darling, that was the most perfect evening.
43:04And now the kids are asleep, it's about to get even better.
43:07Ooh.
43:08Happy Anniversary, Wendy.
43:09Happy Anniversary, my love.
43:12Well, well, well.
43:15If Wendy Darling hasn't found herself another lost boy.
43:20Oh my God, Peter, is that you?
43:22Surprise!
43:24Did you miss me?
43:25Clearly not, because he's never bloody called.
43:29Who's this pirate?
43:32Captain Can't Grow a Beard.
43:34He's not a pirate, Peter. He's my husband.
43:37Oh, wow.
43:38What does husband do?
43:40Professional loser?
43:43I'm a neurosurgeon.
43:45Great. Neurosurgeon.
43:47Tell me this, mate.
43:48Can you fly?
43:50Hmm, no. Didn't think so.
43:52Hold my beer.
43:55To the skies!
44:01That's a stupid place to have put that.
44:04Eddie, who is this?
44:06I might be dressed like homeless Robin Hood.
44:08Hey, relax, Chief.
44:10I'm just an old flame.
44:12Wendy and I used to go all the way to moaning back in the day,
44:16if you know what I mean.
44:18Sex.
44:19Yes, we got that.
44:20What are you doing here, Peter?
44:22Well, I just popped by, didn't I?
44:24To let you know.
44:25That I am crushing it.
44:27Yeah, and what exactly are you crushing?
44:29Shut your mouth, you piece of virgin.
44:33Listen, Wendy.
44:34Why don't you sack off this absolute mood hoover
44:37and come with me.
44:39Let us fly!
44:40Oh, no.
44:43Oh, no.
44:44Oh, God.
44:45Okay.
44:46Don't worry, I'll pay for that.
44:49Peter, you've really got to go.
44:51It's been 40 years.
44:51I'm married.
44:52I've got children.
44:53Yeah, I know.
44:54That's great.
44:55Because I've got a girlfriend, too, so...
44:58Do you?
44:58No.
45:03Oh, God.
45:04You're really not doing well.
45:06No, I'm not.
45:08Neverland sucks now.
45:10The lost boys got found.
45:13Smee got long COVID.
45:17Tinkerbell's on OnlyFans.
45:19Oh, Peter.
45:22Oh, my God.
45:24What are you doing?
45:24Sorry, my bad.
45:26That one's on me.
45:26I misjudged that.
45:27You need to leave now.
45:28Okay, fine.
45:29Yes, I'm leaving.
45:30I've got things to do anyway.
45:32Because, as I said, crushing it.
45:35Sure you don't want to come with me?
45:37Nope, that's fine.
45:38Didn't want you anyway.
45:39Airborne!
45:40Oh, jeez.
45:41Oh, jeez.
45:42Oh, jeez.
45:43Oh, jeez.
45:43Oh, jeez.
45:45Oh, jeez.
45:45Oh, jeez.
45:46Oh, jeez.
45:48Oh, jeez.
45:52Oh, jeez.
45:55Love you.
45:58Oh, God.
45:59I'm so sorry about him.
46:01Listen, those days are in the past.
46:03There's no one I'd rather be with than you.
46:05Don't worry about it.
46:06We've all got weird exes.
46:08Happy anniversary, Wendy.
46:10Happy anniversary, love.
46:11Now, that hasn't spoiled the mood, has it?
46:14Of course not.
46:16Now, where were we?
46:18Where were we?
46:20Just checking.
46:22Room for a little one?
46:24Oh, go on.
46:26Let's fly!
46:28Woo!
46:33Welcome back to Cheering Down the Hill with Helen Birch.
46:37I'm Helen Birch.
46:43Well, we can hardly avoid the topic, so I'd like to state for the record that I am by no
46:49means a fan of the renaming of this program.
46:52It's true that I have occasionally fallen down some hills, but it's my view the program
46:58needn't have been retitled to reflect that fact.
47:01So I hope you'll forgive me if I occasionally refer to the program by its original title for
47:06the first 14 series.
47:08That's Helen Birch's Birch's Birch's of St. Helens.
47:12Now, on with the program.
47:22We're here, as ever, just on the outskirts of St. Helens, very nearly into Haddock Village
47:28proper, which is just beyond the brow of this hill.
47:31And here's a lovely Birch I found.
47:34Oh, no.
47:34Wait.
47:35Wait.
47:36Wait.
47:36No!
47:37No!
47:39No!
47:39No!
47:39No!
47:40No!
47:42No!
47:43No!
47:45No!
47:46No!
47:49No!
47:50No!
48:00Once again, Georgia Smith.
48:17I'm not afraid to die today
48:20I could have chose somebody else to love
48:28Give me the gun, I'll take the blame
48:32And cover up your dark shade of blood
48:40I'll feel the rain and turn the pain into gold
48:49And that's just the price of it all
49:02That's just the price of it all
49:15If it's an only walk through the rise and fall
49:21I know I can pretend that this won't ever end
49:27If in the name we die, then our hearts won't pass us the price of it all
49:40It's safe to say that I'll ignore the warnings
49:47Your treacherous, impetuous, your cultures
49:52I'll take your hand and close my eyes
49:56A parody of paradise in love
50:03I'll take your hand and turn the pain into gold
50:12And that's just the price of it all
50:26That's just the price of it all
50:30That's just the price of it all
50:33Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
50:39It's burning to the ground
50:42I'm losing what I've found
50:45There's heaven in my heart
50:48There's heaven in my heart
50:50There's damage in my hand
50:56That's just the price of it all
51:08That's just the price of it all
51:20That's just the price of it all
51:36Oh, darling
51:37How I wish we didn't live in the 1930s
51:40So that I could be lesbian and you could be a gay
51:44Thank goodness we married one another
51:46This way we're able to live our sordid homosexual lives
51:50In secret while still falling in with polite society
51:53I'm frightfully nervous to meet your mother
51:56Perhaps she might suspect us
51:58No, you mustn't fret, Judith
52:00She'll be none the wiser
52:01Providing we remain subtle and discreet
52:04Well soil my knickers
52:07What happens?
52:09Henry
52:10Oh, oh, Robert, you big Nancy
52:13Excuse my appearance, I slept in a graveyard
52:18Mind if I sit, my shoes are filled with blood
52:23Robert, who might this curious character be?
52:26Oh, Judith, this is Henry, my cousin
52:31Cousin?
52:31Do that with your cousin, do you?
52:361930s cocaine, 1930s cocaine
52:41Robert and I met last year at the glass slipper
52:43One minute we're doing the quick step
52:45Next thing you know we're stepping quickly
52:47Into each other's holes
52:50Hey, please, I told you about my wife, Judith
52:54Oh, please, I can spot a lesbo from a mile away
52:58Love the dress, pal
53:01Anyway, I'm off to powder my schnoz
53:04By which, of course, I do mean do 1930s cocaine
53:11Robert, he's going to give us away
53:13Your mother will have you arrested
53:15He seems excitable at first, but he will calm down
53:18Oh, cake!
53:20Oh, for...
53:20Oh, fine, I won't have a thing for dinner, though
53:24I pray he doesn't make a scene
53:28Henry, please
53:29Henry
53:30If you put the cake down, they'll cut you a slide
53:32Oh, oh, oh, oh, he's not even slipping on anything
53:39Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
53:42Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
53:43Ew!
53:44I'll just eat this cake behind this door
53:46Ooh
53:47Robert
53:49Well, look lively
53:51Aren't you going to greet your poor mother?
53:53Oh, mother
53:54Oh, yes, sorry
53:55This is Judith, my wife
53:56Who my intercourse
53:59Ah, yes
54:01The mysterious Judith
54:03Rather a plain thing, isn't she?
54:06Eyes so far apart
54:07you'd think she was prey but still good solid hips oh thank you mrs fenwick i suppose i could
54:17approve oh mother really that's simply you won't see the thing with the cake
54:25robert do you know this man mother i have never met this bombastic pervert in all my life
54:30just ignore him mrs fenwick young lady when i desire your opinion i'll be sure to give your
54:35head a good firm slap until one comes tumbling out your ears okay i'm laughing i don't do jokes well
54:41darling it seems your son does hey now i like you we're bonding we're hugely bonding henry please
54:48i'm trying to introduce my homely wife to my difficult mother and it was all going rather
54:52well until you minced in here so would you please kindly piss off robert this colorful freak is the
55:00most interesting person i've ever met you do well to find yourself a girl like him
55:06but what about my tiny wife yes what about judith
55:13how's tricks doll
55:18um ethel is my cousin do that with your cousin do you
55:27give me a call when you lose the fruit
55:29he is he is a fruit listen have you gals ever tried 1930s
55:36well that went better than expected
55:55yes
55:57my biggest thanks ladies and gentlemen to georgia smith and a huge thank you to this incredible cast all the
56:05amazing writers and everyone that is working on this incredible show
56:09thank you so much thank you so much it's been such a treat to host it this week
56:13tune in for the next episode of snl uk on the 25th of april thank you very much
56:18goodnight
56:47goodnight
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