- 6 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
01:02Oh, wow.
01:05It's an own goal for Alan Carter.
01:08Oh, I knew it was that bloody sausage.
01:11It was so good, though.
01:15Oh, God.
01:17I knew the sausage machine would be my downfall.
01:20Then my eye looked over to Pat Noodle, and then I was just gone.
01:24OK, so that's seven of you on yellow cards.
01:28So, Sam, you don't have a yellow card.
01:29David, you don't have a yellow card.
01:31Unbelievably, Mel, you don't have a yellow card.
01:34Teetering.
01:36OK, I'm going back in.
01:37I'm restarting the game.
01:38OK.
01:39Doors.
01:41I mean, this is a very, very strong team.
01:46So, it's yellow cards for Alan and Romesh, and all it took was a sausage machine firing out raw meat
01:52at a lady called Pat Noodle.
01:53Simple, really.
01:55OK, let's restart the game.
02:01Well done.
02:02Well done, Alan.
02:03OK.
02:04I loved that game, and the shoe business was excellent.
02:08Thank you, thank you.
02:09We've all bitten down on a shoe when trying to curl one out.
02:13Yep.
02:29Anyone care for a freshened-up buffet?
02:31Thanks, this is an amazing spread.
02:33I even have just had a whole one out, a bit more.
02:36What is the calorific intake on this show?
02:38They've not stopped eating.
02:40It must be nice for them.
02:42There are allowed snacks in there, aren't they?
02:45I don't want any, anyway.
02:46I'm glad when you said to me there's no snacks, I said, I don't even want any.
02:49What are your favourite mates, Alan?
02:53Tongue.
02:54Tongue.
02:55Tongue.
02:55Who's tongue?
02:56Anyone's tongue.
02:57Tongue of cow.
02:59Human tongue.
03:00Human tongue.
03:00Is your favourite mate?
03:02You've got temptation in your mouth at all times.
03:05Bob.
03:05Oh, this is...
03:06The human tongue's got them.
03:08And we've got quite a big tongue, if you don't mind me saying.
03:10Yeah, yeah, it's quite girthy.
03:11I've got a long tongue.
03:12I've got a well-hung tongue.
03:14A well-hung tongue.
03:17Who's got the longest tongue here?
03:19Sam's got a long tongue.
03:21Sam, bless you.
03:21Can we see it?
03:26What the hell?
03:28What?
03:28What?
03:29Do that again, Sam.
03:31What just happened?
03:32What was going on there?
03:33Do that again, Sam, please, slower.
03:35Is that actually your tongue?
03:38Why are you cuffing at half the tongue?
03:40Well, I'm worried.
03:41Is it a trick?
03:42It can't be his tongue, though.
03:42It's a magic trick.
03:43That can't be his tongue.
03:44You can't have a tongue.
03:45Who has a spare tongue?
03:48If there's tongue talk, the tongue comes out.
03:53Drinks orders.
03:54Drinks orders.
03:55I'd have a glass of rosé or a...
03:57I'll have a rosé.
03:58Rosé?
03:58Anyone else for rosé?
03:59Yeah, I think I will.
04:01Three rosés.
04:01Rosé team?
04:03Can I get some scallops?
04:07If you're doing scallops, I'll have some of yours.
04:09Two scallops, yeah.
04:11Thanks, Mel.
04:12Rummers, did you want a something or other?
04:13Rummers?
04:14You wanted a glass of rosé?
04:15Yeah, I'll have a glass of rosé.
04:16So we get a bottle of rosé.
04:17I don't know how to do this, but I'll see what I can do.
04:22Mel.
04:23Oh, hello.
04:24I just wondered if we might be able to possibly have a bottle of rosé.
04:28Yeah, no problem at all.
04:30That's really kind, and a few glasses.
04:33She'll be all right.
04:34You're really kind.
04:35Thank you so much.
04:36No, I'm not, but yeah.
04:37Bye.
04:38Bye.
04:40So you can phone out.
04:42You can phone out.
04:44Thank you, and just this.
04:46My angelic page.
04:47Yeah.
04:47I could jump.
04:48Oh.
04:50Er, Mel.
04:52Mel.
04:52Mel.
04:53Mel.
04:54Mel.
04:56Absolutely shabba rank.
04:59Yes.
05:01Oh, what's happened here?
05:05What the hell?
05:08We have had a laugh, and no-one else was involved.
05:12They've done this to themselves.
05:14Doors.
05:15Nothing happened here.
05:17Oh, here we go.
05:17What?
05:19What?
05:19Can't be.
05:21We have had a laugh.
05:23What?
05:24And this was, I mean, you talk about own goals.
05:27This is just someone taking themselves out for no good reason.
05:31Let's have a look.
05:31Doors.
05:37No.
05:38Er, Mel.
05:39Mel.
05:39Mel.
05:41Mel.
05:43Mel.
05:44Mel.
05:44Mel.
05:45Mel.
05:45Mel this closely.
05:46Penel.
05:46What the hell were you thinking?
05:48Mel, Mel, Mel.
05:48Mel, Mel.
05:48You burped yourself out.
05:52The viewers at home will watch that and go,
05:54that audio, they've done something to that audio.
05:56That's genuinely the noise your body made.
05:59I'm really sorry.
06:01It's all the flumps and everything and the crisps.
06:04Don't blame the flumps.
06:06It's a yellow card.
06:07How basic is it to laugh at your own burp?
06:12Rookie error.
06:14Some of you are going to be joining myself and Roisin very, very soon.
06:17I'll restart the game.
06:19So Mel's incredible burp brought her down.
06:21A yellow card for her and a suggestion.
06:24Maybe a bottle of gavis gone.
06:29While you were away, someone came in and opened a bag of popcorn
06:32and then ate someone.
06:33I told them we weren't allowed it, so they've gone now.
06:37You've got to have more control over these people.
06:39We've ate on yellow cards.
06:43Let's restart the game.
06:46Oh, here we go.
06:47Here we go.
06:52One more strike.
06:53One more strike.
06:56Has anyone got a weird crush?
06:58Weird crush?
06:59Gordon Ramsay.
07:01When he starts shouting, I really like it.
07:03Yeah.
07:04I used to fancy the Jack of Clubs.
07:06You know, in the pack of cards.
07:11Good looking.
07:12Mmm, he was good looking.
07:14If we're going there, Mufasa.
07:17Really?
07:18Mufasa is Saxa.
07:20Yeah.
07:21Officer Dibble.
07:22Hello.
07:23Dibble was hot.
07:24Officer Dibble?
07:25Officer Dibble from Topcat.
07:26Oh, man.
07:27How can you fancy the Popo?
07:31I've never heard or thought of Officer Dibble as the Popo.
07:36No, but technically, correct.
07:40It's a crop.
07:42Oh.
07:43Hello.
07:43Something is...
07:44Oh, yes.
07:44Something's going to happen.
07:47Judy Finnegan, guys.
07:48It's Judy Finnegan.
07:49Oh, imagine!
07:50That would be amazing.
07:53Hello, everyone.
07:54Now, David and Sam, you don't have yellow cards,
07:57so you're going to go head-to-head in a special challenge.
08:00I know comedians hate showing off,
08:02so this is going to be really tough for you.
08:04You have to take in turns to say something impressive about yourself,
08:07so this is a chance to boast about your greatest achievements.
08:12Please take your places at the table.
08:14The game starts and ends when the bell rings.
08:17Go, guys.
08:18Go, guys.
08:21OK.
08:23OK.
08:26Put it there.
08:28Say something impressive about me.
08:31I have good tenacity and I think I'm strong-willed.
08:35I have occasional attention to detail.
08:38Well, I have a girlfriend.
08:40I have a wife.
08:43My first kiss was actually on a castle in Guildford.
08:49I look forward to my first kiss.
08:56I have a lot of mates, a lot of great mates.
08:59I was a finalist in the Rotary Club public speaking competition in 1991 or 1992.
09:05I mean, this is at school, but I did very well in the cross-country.
09:09I appreciate cheese and am able to show it.
09:17I am good at swimming and I would actually even drop with a pass lane.
09:23I won't tolerate stale biscuits.
09:29I won't tolerate bigotry.
09:32I will tolerate bigotry in order to influence people.
09:38Oh, I've got a printer.
09:40I've got a laptop that can connect to my wife's printer.
09:46Oh, my wife's printer.
09:47The David Mitchell story.
09:49Ha!
09:51Ha!
09:53I have a very loud voice when I need to.
09:57Do you shout?
09:58I can shout very loudly.
10:01I challenge you to a small mini-challenge within this challenge,
10:03which is a shout.
10:04A shout-off.
10:05You'd like me to shout?
10:06We both get to shout one thing at each other.
10:07OK, right.
10:09The challenge has got a spin-off.
10:12Who can shout for longest?
10:14You start there and we start every step toward each other shouting.
10:17OK, ready?
10:18One, two, three.
10:41Very strong.
10:43What is this house?
10:45Who's Diane Morgan?
10:49It felt like you needed that, David.
10:51I think it helped a bit. Did you feel better?
10:52Although I think my voice may be different forever.
10:58That was one of my favourite parts so far.
11:00Thank you. I enjoyed looking into your screaming face.
11:03I can't believe we didn't get anyone on that.
11:05Yeah, I mean, there's a reason those two don't have yellows.
11:08Lovely work. Great work, guys. Really good.
11:10Very good.
11:10I think the world will be surprised that it was David
11:13who had the louder scream.
11:15You wouldn't have put much money on that.
11:17He's an animal.
11:19We didn't know.
11:24When I went to Mexico, I got Montezuma's Revenge,
11:29so I had... I OD'd on Imodium
11:31and basically had to have a C-section to do a shit.
11:37That's...
11:39That's full on. Yeah. That's bad.
11:42That's really bad. Yeah.
11:43Did you have a book in a diet and stuff? Yeah, yeah.
11:46And a gender reveal.
11:47Let's see. Yeah.
11:55Did they show it to you?
11:57Did you keep it?
12:01Were you proud?
12:04Was it like people say, don't they, about birth?
12:07They say, it's like... It's just emotional for me. Oh, hello.
12:09It's emotional because that's actually my child.
12:12Oh, Alan. Alan.
12:14Alan.
12:15Oh, it's good. It's good.
12:18Just diary.
12:21He's got problems. He's weakening.
12:23No.
12:24No.
12:24It's just emotional for me because that's my child you're talking about.
12:28Yeah.
12:28Your poo child.
12:34You do a fair bit of acting, don't you?
12:37Mm.
12:37You do quite a lot of that.
12:38Mm.
12:40I've got an audition.
12:42Oh, yeah.
12:43Next week.
12:43But I find them really scary.
12:45Do you? Yeah.
12:46Unnerving.
12:47I've got the...
12:48Do you want to run...
12:48Would you run through it with me?
12:50Yeah.
12:50Is that OK?
12:50Absolutely.
12:51A little look.
12:57You're Jack, if that's OK.
12:58Interior, quiet rural cafe.
13:00Jack, a handsome British man in mid-twenties,
13:03is working behind the counter.
13:04Enter Hannah, an American businesswoman in her early thirties.
13:08Hi, what can I get you?
13:09Oh, I'm still deciding.
13:11Hold on a second.
13:12That's really good.
13:13Is that good?
13:14Yeah.
13:14Her phone rings and she takes it out her bag.
13:17She takes a deep breath and answers calmly.
13:19Look, Steve, now ain't a good time.
13:22You know how important this case is to me
13:25and I can't think about us right now.
13:28She pauses to hear Steve's reply.
13:30She nods understandingly.
13:34You might want to work on that nod a bit.
13:36The nod?
13:37Yeah.
13:39She puts her phone away and glances back at Jack,
13:42who has already prepared her coffee.
13:44Got you an Americano?
13:46Because I think I detected an accent.
13:48I don't.
13:48Hannah rolls her eyes and laughs to herself.
13:51LAUGHTER
13:54Not a laugh.
13:55I think that's risky business.
13:58I think you've got it in the bag.
13:59You reckon?
14:00Nothing to worry about.
14:01The only thing, I'd say that nod was a bit big.
14:03What would you go for?
14:06Or...
14:06Yeah, that's it.
14:08Your accent's amazing.
14:10Cheers, Di.
14:13These are serious players.
14:15I think we need another joker.
14:18Hello. Here we go.
14:23Hello, last one laughing.
14:24Romesh, could you go and play your joker, please?
14:27Sure thing. Bye-bye.
14:29Has the booze arrived? No.
14:32What?
14:33What did they say?
14:35You can't just keep it to yourself.
14:37This is the most deadpan group of people.
14:39I can't believe they're all still in there.
14:41They're not breaking.
14:42OK, we're going to have to get strict now.
14:47Oh, straight in there.
14:49Okey-dokey.
14:50Hello. Just to start off, I'm going to give you these,
14:53but could you not open them?
14:54Yeah, please.
15:02Let's go, Romesh.
15:05Oh, exciting.
15:06So, please don't look at the envelopes until I say,
15:09a lot of my comedy comes from taking ownership
15:11of some of the hardest things I've had to deal with,
15:14whether it's my bonky eye,
15:16how much I depend on my mum for a career,
15:18or even how long I remained a virgin.
15:23I had to face a lot of criticism that I rely too much on jokes about my eye.
15:28Online, one person actually said,
15:30if he had two straight eyes, he'd be driving a taxi.
15:34But what people don't know is actually that a little part of me dies
15:37every time I mention my weaknesses in a room of people.
15:40It gets laughs, sure, but it still hurts.
15:43So, given you guys can't laugh,
15:45I thought I would detail some of the things that I found the hardest.
15:48Here are some examples of the things I've got called.
15:51Gozy-eyed, crock-eyed,
15:53gammy-eyed,
15:54shitty-eyed,
15:56eyed-eyed,
15:57and this is probably the worst one.
16:02Cookie monster.
16:19Things then quietened down,
16:21and I learned to make those jokes first,
16:23but I wasn't ready for what happened in 2007.
16:26Tony Blair stood down,
16:28and this man became Prime Minister.
16:34Can anybody guess what my nickname was in the late noughties?
16:38Gordon.
16:39It was Gordon Very, Very Brown.
16:49I hope that the status of becoming a teacher would change things.
16:52Some kids called me Mr Rajabaga Bing Bong,
16:56which I thought was racist,
16:58but the head said all the vowels made it sound plausibly Sri Lankan.
17:03Oh, fucking hell.
17:06A career in the public eye came next,
17:08and via the horror of social media,
17:11I found myself in the eye of the storm
17:13as TV appearances held another volley of horrible comments.
17:17Cameraman's nightmare.
17:19He needs his mum there for directions.
17:21His eyes are on more channels than he is.
17:25Not only that,
17:26but people made unflattering racial comparisons to other comedians.
17:30Jack Deepak.
17:33Ricky Gervaisian.
17:35Or the worst,
17:36David Badbadil.
17:40My therapist says,
17:41the final stage of my healing is to allow you to say those things.
17:45So when I point at you,
17:46what I'd like you to do is open your envelope,
17:48take it in,
17:49and then I would like you to say the insult to my face.
17:52Um,
17:54let's start with you, please.
18:03Even he can't see things from his own perspective.
18:16He'd need the Death Star to give him laser eye surgery.
18:30He's got the worst eye since ISIS.
18:43He got jizz in that eye from whoever he had to suck off to get on TV.
19:06His wife's eyes must be more fucked than his.
19:15and finally
19:34his eye looks
19:38his eye looks like a grape in a tumble dryer
19:52thank you so much for taking the time to sort of share that and I certainly found it useful
19:56and I hope you did too thank you very much guys I appreciate it
20:06brave that was brave
20:08I felt bad for Romesh and I've had that myself
20:11you know people have said horrible things about me you know
20:14said my smiles like a bombed out village and stuff like that
20:17and someone said if I grew a moustache you'd look like Stonehenge
20:20had a thatched roof
20:22what was yours again Alan?
20:24can't remember now
20:29let's have it again
20:30yeah it was my favourite
20:32once more with feeling
20:35you can really picture the grape
20:37can't you
20:38bubbling around
20:39it makes me feel
20:41no but
20:42no but that will help
20:43that will help
20:44heal from it
20:49his eyes
20:53looks like
21:00that's a laugh
21:01it's a weird noise
21:01but it was a laugh
21:02yep
21:05whoa
21:06what?
21:07uh oh
21:08what?
21:09doors
21:12oh god
21:14I think it might have been me guys
21:16we have had
21:18a laugh
21:22please
21:23his eyes
21:27looks like
21:32oh
21:34oh
21:34Bemi
21:35Bemi
21:38Bemi
21:39you're the first one out
21:39Bemi
21:40no
21:43yeah
21:44yeah you are
21:45Bemi you have to come and watch with me
21:47but
21:47you don't have to go on your own
21:51have a look
21:51we've had another laugh
21:56let's have it again
21:59you can really picture the grape
22:01can't you
22:04oh
22:05we're being incredibly strict now
22:08and you lot
22:09pushed me to do that again
22:10had to happen Alan
22:12okay that's one for you Bemi
22:13one for you Alan
22:14you'll come with me
22:15come on
22:15doors
22:19I didn't get the first red card
22:21it was a joint first red card
22:24and technically Alan Carr
22:26alphabetically
22:27is higher up
22:28so
22:29first
22:30but like second to Alan
22:32Bemi gets the first red card
22:34she's out first
22:35first red to Bemi
22:37oh
22:38and Alan's out as well
22:39but
22:39Bemi first
22:42please come in
22:43take a seat
22:43you are free to laugh
22:45oh
22:46how did you find it in there
22:47I couldn't control my face
22:48there's so many funny people
22:49your facial expressions
22:51it was only a matter of time
22:52you know what my face
22:53I knew
22:54I'd be the first
22:55or second out
22:55or whatever
22:56I thought I'd last longer
22:57I mean I lasted long
22:59actually
23:00it's just everyone else
23:02is so good
23:03right team
23:04things are going to get
23:05really freaking
23:07tense
23:08they haven't restarted have they
23:11yeah get it out
23:17okay should we restart
23:18yes
23:19okay let's go
23:20I thought
23:21I thought
23:21oh jeez
23:22oh this is
23:23this is thick and fast
23:24I'm not ready for this
23:27I might just get on the phone
23:28for some more booze
23:30lager please
23:35have you been to a hem party David
23:37only professionally
23:39obviously professionally
23:40you know
23:40have you
23:41what you've been booked
23:42for a hem party
23:43you've been booked for a hen do
23:44yeah
23:44when I was younger and more
23:47you know
23:48as a stripper
23:48no as a sort of
23:49you know a waiter
23:50just in a thong
23:51no
23:52I can believe
23:53that you would be
23:54a stripper
23:55I can't believe
23:56that you would wait
23:57on someone
23:58it's difficult to take that
23:59as a compliment
24:02so nice to laugh
24:04so nice
24:05okay it's time to bring
24:07a bit of classed proceedings
24:08isn't it
24:08no
24:09all right
24:25oh hello
24:39this should be fun
24:40doors
24:43I see you've all met
24:44my chiropodist
24:46please take a seat up here
24:47we have a singing challenge now
24:49now I would be out
24:51yeah we'd be out now
24:51I don't feel so bad now
24:53okay it's actually fairly easy
24:54all you've got to do
24:55is sing this
25:03you bastard
25:04okay just sing that
25:04when I point to you
25:06Amy
25:19David
25:20I think that's it
25:20I am going to be out
25:22I don't know
25:34I am going to be out
25:36I am going to be out
25:39I am going to be out
25:44now I am going to be out
25:47and I am going to be out
25:50then
25:55Mel's got to go. Surely.
25:58Mel.
26:11Sam.
26:18Bob.
26:19Oh.
26:27Maisie's gone. Come on!
26:30She's crying!
26:31Maisie?
26:43That was very strong.
26:45It's a very moving piece of music.
26:47Roisin, could you hit the red button for me?
26:49Oh, my God, Maisie!
26:56Yeah, who was it?
26:58Who was it?
27:01I think you know who it was.
27:03OK, let's have a look at the replay.
27:04Bob?
27:07Who was it?
27:13Maisie?
27:17Oh, my God!
27:19Oh, Maysie!
27:20Oh, Maysie!
27:33We've also had a smile
27:38Take a look
27:49We are being strict at this stage of the game, so I've got to give you a red card. Okay
27:56Well, it's a smile or a laugh. That's the game. Yeah, I mean
28:00I came across such a narc then
28:03Mel sometimes it's nice to hold a glass rather than suck it to your face. I sucked it so hard
28:08I couldn't actually get it off then
28:12She sucked it so hard she couldn't get it off
28:20And that is how you get a head in show business
28:23I was annoyed with myself for letting that slip I thought I'd got away with it then just when you
28:29think you're safe
28:31The spectre of Jimmy Carr returns
28:33And it's all over
28:36So that's red cards for Amy and Maisie four down six to go who will be the next to crack?
28:43Here we are look at it. That was a tough one. I went so red. I thought it was I
28:47thought I was gonna pass out
28:49You're not meant to repress it. No
28:50It's unnatural. I knew I was out when I started to see stars
28:53All right, let's restart the game
28:55Yeah
28:55Hey
28:56What happens?
29:04Can you give me three favourite things and I'll judge them?
29:07Three favourite what?
29:08Do you like cheese?
29:10Well, here's the thing. I don't really eat cheese, but I can do it off memory if you like
29:14There was a time when you adore cheeses. Yeah
29:17Yeah
29:17Your third cheese
29:18Erm
29:21Smoked cheddar
29:25Sorry
29:26At number two
29:28Wensleydale
29:33Sorry, Ron. And at number one for you
29:36Danish blue
29:41You love that one?
29:43Yeah
29:44What a great cheese
29:45It is a great cheese
29:49Sorry to interrupt chaps
29:50Something from the buffet
29:52Sorry to interrupt with a slightly loud voice
29:54I'll not take anything, thank you
29:56Something from the buffet
29:57I'd love something
29:57Cracker and a guack
29:59Crackamole as we're calling it
30:00Yeah, that'd be great
30:00Combo of the two
30:01Or a nice little tomato
30:02I'm fine, thank you
30:03With a mozzarella looking underneath
30:05Do you like your mozzarella, Bob?
30:09Or a cucumber, Bob?
30:11No, I'm going to see if there's a drink
30:12Just dipping into the guacamole
30:14Dippy dippy dips in the guackas
30:17Look, Bob's so close
30:20A lot of people didn't look to be on the offensive
30:23Mel, for example
30:24As soon as she saw somebody had a problem she was in
30:27Because she could smell a weakness
30:30I miss the guys
30:31I love those gals
30:33And Al
30:34Everyone I really liked in this has now gone out
30:43Hello, last one laughing
30:44Oh, hi, Romesh
30:45Could you get Bob to go and prepare his joker?
30:47No problem
30:48Thank you
30:50Bob, could you prepare your joker, please?
30:52Yep
30:52Oh, hello, sailor
30:54Right, now
30:55It's belt and braces time, I fear
30:57Thank you
30:58This could be a problem for people
30:59Yeah
31:00Oh, Christ
31:01This could be the end for some of us
31:03Let's clench up
31:04Because this is going to be a very, very rough and difficult ride
31:08Oh, my God
31:10Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on stage
31:15Shit
31:19We are intimacy coordinators, yeah
31:22You're a stout lad
31:25You're about to see a show
31:27Hairier?
31:29Oh, wow, the stakes are high
31:31A little bit sexy
31:33A little bit sexier
31:33A little bit futuristic
31:34Is the card red or yellow?
31:36Oh, my God
31:37This is so tense
31:41Nice and simple
31:42Would you consider yourself a pervert?
31:54Let's go
31:55Let's go
32:00Let's go
32:01Let's go
32:02Let's go
32:11Let's go
32:12Let's go
32:27Let's go
32:38Let's go
Comments