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00:14Good evening, happy Easter, out of the strongest possible terms, hello.
00:24Now, I know some of you were disappointed by my speech on Wednesday, while others of you
00:31did not watch it. For those who missed it, here's a summary. You didn't miss much. And
00:40honestly, I'm kicking meself. I let you down. But everyone deserves a second chance. Peter
00:49Mandelson's had four or five, with many more to come. So allow me to try again.
00:59The conflict in the Middle East has entered its second month, but I can assure you we are
01:06working at pace towards a de-escalation. And the pace we are working at is leisurely. I
01:15know that due to this war, Britons are already struggling. Not only in England, but also
01:22in the top bit, and the side bits as well. Life is getting harder. And furthermore, goodbye.
01:40Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. I'm told there's a second page to my speech. Oh, that's right.
01:51The inspiring part. Look. I know I'm not inspiring. When I applied to join the Samaritans, I brought
02:03the vibe down so much that the interviewer called the Samaritans. So I've asked some Britons
02:10that people actually like to help me put a pep in your step. First up, England legend,
02:18Harry Kane.
02:30Yeah, cheers. Nice one, gaffer. Harry, why don't you give the nation one of your rousing
02:36team talks?
02:38Yeah, obviously. The Strait of Hormuz is a really amazing war way. Always said that.
02:50But yeah, you know, at the end of the day, you know, Iran, they're sold in attack. You
02:56know, sold in defence. Yeah, good at set pieces too. So yeah, you just got to take it one war
03:03at a time and, er, yeah. Yeah, it's going to be nice. Thank you, Harry. Next up, a Briton
03:18with a smile that could light up a room, which could be useful when the power runs out. Film
03:32out. Oh, hello. Gosh, this is a bit sexy, isn't it? Blirting with Iran and playing with
03:39oil. Next thing you know, then there's an energy shortage or the power is off and we're
03:44snogging in the dark. Shhh, shhh. Aren't I naughty? Thanks, Olivia. Love the enthusiasm. Our
03:54final speaker combines two of my greatest interests. Outstanding British television and pork.
04:03It's Peppa Pig. Cheer us up, Peppa. Thank you, Daddy-care. Life is hell, but it doesn't last
04:19long and soon the sadness will end. Thanks, Peppa. You're very different from how you seem on
04:27the telly. And you're very similar. Well, there you have it. Big thanks to Britain's
04:35Big Three, Harry Cade, MBE, Olivia Colman, CBE, and Peppa Pig, P-I-G-P. Oh, no. Here
04:46come for power cuts. Fend for yourselves, everyone. Olivia Colman's trying to kiss me. And live
04:52from London, it's Saturday night! It's Saturday Night Live! It's Saturday Night Live! With...
05:23Larry Dean!
05:25Larry Dean!
05:30Celeste Briggs!
05:36George Moreacres!
05:42Andia Magliano!
05:48Annabelle Marleán!
05:53El Nass!
05:59Andie Magliano!
06:00Jack Shnaved!
06:05Andie Magliano!
06:24And your host, Riz Ahmed!
06:39Ladies and gentlemen, Riz Ahmed!
06:55Yes, yes, yes! Thank you, thank you so much!
07:01Wow! Hello, my name is Riz Ahmed, and it is an absolute honour to be hosting SNLUK!
07:14Now, I'm an actor, I'm a writer, I'm a producer, and I'm a rapper.
07:20So, for those of you who don't know who I am, clearly neither do I.
07:26I'm working it out. Mostly, I'm an actor, you know, and contrary to popular belief, I don't just play intense
07:33roles, okay?
07:34I also do some, like, family feel-good stuff.
07:37Like, for example, do you guys, uh, do you guys know The Sound of Music?
07:41Sound of Music! Why do you all know The Sound of Music?
07:43I did a film just like that called Sound of Metal.
07:46It's almost exactly the same.
07:48It's about a musician who's slowly going deaf, and he's a heroin addict who lives in a van.
07:53It's just like Sound of Music, and it's feel-good because you're not him.
07:58But seriously, I've done some comedies as well.
08:00Some of you might have seen a film I did called Four Lions.
08:05Thank you, man.
08:07That's what I'm saying.
08:08It's a feel-good movie about characters you can really root for.
08:14Christmas movie.
08:15But, uh, but I actually have just created and released my own comedy.
08:20Um, it's called Bait.
08:22Woo!
08:22It's just come out.
08:24Thank you, thank you, man.
08:25Um, it's, it's, yeah, it's about an out-of-work actor, um, auditioning to be James Bond.
08:32And, uh, the character is going through an identity crisis.
08:34And if you're wondering why I made a comedy about someone having an identity crisis, look at me, man.
08:40Um, I'm confused.
08:42It's not my fault.
08:43I, you know, I grew up in Wembley, um, but I went to Oxford University, and that's why I sound
08:50like this.
08:52Like a mix between Stormzy and Rishi Sunak.
08:57We've actually all got a track together on my next album.
08:59It's, uh, it's called Oi Roo Boy, Shut Up, This Is The Quiet Carriage.
09:04It's a bang.
09:05Um, but, you know, I actually feel that even, even this show is having an identity crisis, in a way.
09:11Um, you know, we're three episodes in, and your hosts have been American, Irish, and me.
09:17Don't worry, next week, you know, we're going to have, uh, one of the nation's most prominent Asian comedians, Jack
09:23Whitehall.
09:24You know what I mean?
09:25You've seen how much he goes on holiday with his parents, man.
09:28That's so Asian.
09:30That's so Asian.
09:32Don't worry, Jack, your secret is safe with me.
09:34Asalaamu Alaikum, brother.
09:36But, uh, sometimes I feel like the whole nation's having this identity crisis, and that's why we're so divided, right?
09:41Uh, we're divided over politics, over the climate, over the Beckhams.
09:46But, I think that I know how to solve it.
09:49I think I can solve Britain's identity crisis, because I think there's one thing that unites us all.
09:54In essence, what makes us British is, we like it when things are a little bit crap.
10:03Not totally crap, but just a little bit crap, you know?
10:08We like that, we like it.
10:09Um, we like giving, thank you, yes.
10:11We, we like giving crap compliments, you know?
10:16Someone says, he's a bit of a character.
10:18That means you're a knob, you know?
10:20And we like sports that are a bit crap.
10:24Cricket can go on for five days and still be a draw.
10:28And we like giving gifts that are a bit crap.
10:31You know, like original sauce, mint, and tea tree shower gel.
10:35My balls feel like they're in Siberia.
10:39Thank you for that, auntie, by the way.
10:41We celebrate when things are a bit crap.
10:45We literally cheer when someone drops their pint glass in the pub.
10:50That's the best of Britain.
10:52We like it when things are a little bit crap.
10:58That's right.
10:59So we've got a great show for you today.
11:06Really great show.
11:07Actually, no, we genuinely have a fantastic show.
11:10It's very un-British of us.
11:11We've got Kasabian here.
11:13It's going to be a banger.
11:15Stick around and watch this.
11:37A lot of people in TV and movies always have their phones on loud.
11:42I've never met a Gen Z girl who has her phone on loud.
11:47People's long-tick in every situation.
11:50And no one ever has their own vibration.
11:53A lot of people in TV and movies always have their phones on loud.
11:57He's a school-faced, he's a phone-free place.
12:00Sharing a clip of a girl on her face.
12:02Beat, beat, beat, she's looking around for flex.
12:05How come she's the only one who didn't get the test?
12:07A man walks into a corporate space after committing a hated sex crime.
12:13He's clearly done.
12:14Very bad thing.
12:15He's Gail and Campbell and the phones go dang.
12:20While when all the texts come at once, all the phones are going off at once.
12:25Calling him a slut and he's a dirty dog.
12:28Every single phone's going crazy for all.
12:30A lot of people in TV and movies always have their phones on loud.
12:35On loud.
12:35I still understand the scene without the very loud text and sound.
12:40Every text is expositional.
12:43Hey dad, can you pick me up?
12:45Now that mom's dead?
12:48Automatic, autositional.
12:49Let me just search that up on the Glinkl app.
12:59Why does FaceTime never look right?
13:01What is your house now, studio lights?
13:04And how the hell is that the first text message that you've ever sent to your wife?
13:11Well, while we're here...
13:13A lot of cops dating TV and movies only have co-workers at their personal events.
13:18It's your 58th birthday, you're telling me none of your family went.
13:23There's only other cops at your house.
13:26Clearly no one wants to come to your house.
13:28It's just colleagues on your wedding day.
13:30And you've also got a colleague for a spouse.
13:33One, two, yee-haw!
13:34Why is everything in TV and movies?
13:36Not how it is in real life!
13:38iPhone's been waterproof since 2016.
13:41Why'd you put it in rice?
13:42And people answer the phone while they're having sex.
13:45The phone, the car, Bluetooth always connects.
13:47CEOs with email notifications.
13:49And the phone contacts include relations.
13:51The calls are always so fast-paced.
13:53iPhones have an Android in your face.
13:55Yet you'll be never seen you all before.
13:57Make a confidential call at the Apple store.
13:59But mostly it's the way TV and films all sound.
14:06With all the phones all along.
14:09All the phones all along.
14:12So sort it out!
14:16Wait, Mom, slow down.
14:17Jason, my brother, your son, has been arrested?
14:20Okay, don't panic.
14:23I'll order a goober there.
14:50In today's challenge, our contestants added a whopping £4,250 to the prize fund.
14:59But now it's time for the faithfuls to return to the round table.
15:03Can they uncover who amongst them is a great big crab man?
15:16I'd like to start.
15:17This experience has been amazing.
15:20But at the end of the day, we need to find the great big crab man.
15:25But there's someone here I just don't trust.
15:29And that person is...
15:35It's yourself, Imran.
15:39Great, we're doing this again.
15:40I know I was wrong about Kaya, Mechel, and Ife.
15:48But I have a feeling I just can't shake.
15:53But I'm obviously not a great big crab man.
15:57To be fair, that is exactly what a great big crab man would say.
16:04Okay, I'm just going to come out and say, why is nobody looking at Sebastian?
16:13I've only got two 100% not a great big crab man, and it's myself and Sebastian.
16:23Look at him, bro, he's a flipping crab.
16:26See, getting defensive like that, it only makes you look more like a great big crab man.
16:32Okay, okay, what about today's challenge?
16:3530 seconds, you've got this.
16:39Go towards it, what's wrong with you man?
16:41Just go forward!
16:46Imran, he told us his ankles only work sideways.
16:50Everybody knows he's trying to win the money to pay for an ankle doctor.
16:54Okay, fine.
16:56So why was he acting so weird at breakfast?
16:58Because he's tired, he can only sleep in a bucket of fresh water for medical reasons.
17:04Can I just say, I'm actually feeling really uncomfortable by the energy in the room tonight.
17:08To be fair to Imran, to be fair to Imran, all I've seen Sebastian eat is algae, seaweed and invertebrates,
17:14and for me, that's suspicious.
17:17The time for talk is over.
17:20Now, it's time to vote.
17:38Time's up.
17:39Enormous good luck, everyone.
17:43I'm sorry.
17:46It is what it is.
17:50Sorry, girl.
17:52Imran, I'm so sorry.
17:54I'm so sorry.
18:00Love you, man.
18:05Imran, you have received the most votes.
18:08Would you like to join me, please?
18:16Listen, yeah.
18:18I've had an amazing time.
18:19It's been an incredible journey, and I've made friends for life, but...
18:23There's something weighing on my heart, and I've got to come out and say it.
18:28I'm obviously not a Great Big Crab Man, you idiot!
18:33Imran out.
18:37What the hell are you playing at?
18:41You've just voted off another Not A Great Big Crab Man.
18:46And the real Great Big Crab Man is still out there, laughing at you.
18:52Okay.
18:53Okay, I'm just gonna say it.
18:55There's someone who is slipping under the radar, at tomorrow's round table.
19:00The person I'll be looking at...
19:02Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
19:03I'll pack my box.
19:10I'll pack my box.
19:18Okay.
19:19Okay.
19:19Hey.
19:20You're really good.
19:22Operation.
19:23Isn't that a game for, like, six-year-olds?
19:25Okay.
19:26Why don't you give it a go, then?
19:27Okay, I will.
19:29It's simple.
19:31You just...
19:33Oh?
19:35Okay, that was a warm-up.
19:39You can leave it, babe.
19:40No, no, no.
19:41It's fine.
19:42It's easy.
19:46Babe.
19:48Babe.
19:49Come to bed.
19:51Yeah.
19:52Yeah, woman.
19:56Kids, get in the car.
19:57Mummy will be there in a sec.
20:00Are you coming or not?
20:05Wow.
20:15Get back!
20:18Are you coming?
20:19We're cutting the cake.
20:27It's just a game.
20:29It's not just a game!
20:30It literally is.
20:32It says it on the box.
20:33It's six plus.
20:38Stop looking at me!
20:48I can't take it anymore.
20:50We're leaving.
20:55I lifted it clean.
21:09So I'm there, just fully committed, waving at them, grinning like an idiot, and then walked
21:14straight past me.
21:15Oh, no!
21:16It just felt like such a plum.
21:17Oh, I've missed this.
21:20I've missed you.
21:23It's not all fun.
21:25Help!
21:25Help!
21:26Yeah, is there a doctor in the house?
21:27One of our diners is from outside.
21:29Are you serious?
21:29There it is.
21:41Right.
21:44Look at this.
21:45Honey, are you sure about this?
21:49Everybody stand back.
21:57Give me those.
22:00What are you?
22:03Oh, my God!
22:06I'm going to the bread basket.
22:08What the?
22:10God, help me.
22:12What are you doing?
22:12What are you doing?
22:16Let's go!
22:20Where's the horse?
22:21Oh, God!
22:22You have to believe me.
22:23There were supposed to be pieces.
22:24The butterfly and the bread box.
22:26Whatever, sir.
22:26You're coming with me.
22:27Olivia?
22:28Olivia, tell me!
22:30Olivia!
22:49This is OGFM coming at you.
22:52Old classics for old heads.
22:54It's all 90s music all the time.
22:57And we mean all the time.
22:59When we want to talk, we just turn it down very slightly.
23:04On the deck, we've got MC Twister, DJ Solera and me, Lady Magnum, Pink Lemonade.
23:09And yes, all our names are types of ice cream.
23:14Coincidence!
23:17If you remember these tunes from back in the day, then you are old.
23:21Shout out to my middle-aged brothers and sisters.
23:24Nostalgia coming at you.
23:28All right, all right.
23:29So tonight we've got some real talk for all you over 50s.
23:33Prostate cancer.
23:34Real serious, but people don't talk about it because it's a but one.
23:39You should have a platform for good.
23:41All right, we've got a mad guest in the studio here to educate us.
23:45It's Dr. Rishi.
23:46Come on, big ups, Dr. Rishi, looking sharp.
23:49I appreciate that.
23:52So, yeah, I mean, thanks, thanks for having me.
23:56All right, Doc, doctor, knowledge on us.
23:58Yeah, sorry.
24:00So, yeah, well, prostate cancer is a condition that actually affects one in eight men.
24:04Shout out to Michelle in SW5.
24:07Going hard on the weekend.
24:13What are you saying, Dr. Rishi?
24:14Right, yeah, yeah, so the prostate, it's a small gland that sits just behind the...
24:20Shout out to Jane, the divorce is final.
24:24She's back on the pill.
24:25P-p-p-p-p-p-pill.
24:28Hey, get away, Doc.
24:29Hey, get away.
24:30Okay, yeah, okay, suppose, um, well, you know, diet is very important.
24:34Hey, yo, don't forget, Monday's a bank holiday.
24:36Four-day week, four-day week, what?
24:38You've got no...
24:40Diet is something...
24:41Tony and Streatham just put his dog down, pray us up for the poodle.
24:47Diet is something...
24:48He's done south and west.
24:51Statistically around 55,000 new cases of...
24:55I know.
24:56Okay, I was just trying to say, just before, just there with the...
24:59Diet is a good way to minimise your risk, reducing red meat is sensible.
25:02You should think about swapping it out with an oily fish, perhaps a salmon or a mackerel.
25:06Hey, yo, pick up the North Sea.
25:07Come on.
25:09I'm sorry, can we just stop?
25:12Please, I'm sorry, can we just stop?
25:13What's up, big man?
25:15Is there any way you could just stop the music just for, like, a minute?
25:18Because this is...
25:19Sorry, Doc, this is OGFM, all 90s music all the time.
25:22Literally, all the time.
25:23Yes, my sister.
25:24If you've got something important to say, you've got to ride the beat.
25:27What do you mean, ride the beat?
25:30Medical freestyle, off the dome.
25:34Seriously?
25:35Yeah, I spent some wisdom, Dr. Rishi.
25:36Yeah, tell the people what they've got to know.
25:38Hippocratic Oath.
25:43Okay, okay, fine, fine.
25:44Yeah, okay, um, prostate, prostate, check it before it's too late.
25:53Early detection is vital for your survival.
25:57All right, turn my headphones up.
26:05Up a bit more.
26:06Yeah.
26:07Don't hide away, get your PSA.
26:09The blood test is best, so don't delay.
26:10No joking, stop smoking.
26:12I'm thinking, less drinking.
26:14Check your BMI.
26:15If the number's high, then we'll make a plan.
26:17Get your number right.
26:18If you're older, 50, got a family history and the flow is weak.
26:20Then see your GP or my G's in the back.
26:22Who are black?
26:23Your risk is higher, that's a fact.
26:25Don't be brave, don't act like a trooper.
26:27If you've got P's, I'll wait for the future.
26:29Just call Uber.
26:30Open Uber.
26:30Richard IT, happy birthday to you.
26:33And if this lad in your P, call 111.
26:36Dr. Rishi, Dr. Rishi, Dr. Rishi, Dr. Rishi, Dr. Rishi.
26:53The gun.
27:07Ladies and gents, it's Kasabian.
27:26It's me as she goes, it's me again alone.
27:32I can't stop her voice.
27:37Now it's you and me, and I am lost for what I just keep on falling.
27:47Watch me go, I'm the gray, yeah, you're tender.
27:56Oh, baby, blow, now it's time for me.
28:04So when you're on, you can dance again, dance again.
28:13You can dance again, dance again.
28:19I'm so good, baby.
28:23Watch me as I go.
28:26I live and make believe.
28:29Hang on, here's your call.
28:34Where do you hide if you don't know who you are, but you love it, and you're not the same.
28:41So don't fear it now.
28:44Watch me go.
28:47I'm the gray, yeah, you're tender.
28:55I'm the gray I'm the gray, but you're tender.
29:02Indeed, each is not the same.
29:04I'm the gray, yeah, you're tender.
29:10I can't see the answer I can't see.
29:16And I may be зрator.
29:19Look what I'm interested in.
29:19Look what I'm interested in.
29:19I feel a little blade like this because it's fresh, but it's too high.
30:21Ania Magliano and Paddy Young.
30:31Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update.
30:35I'm Paddy Young.
30:36And I'm Ania Magliano.
30:41The war between Iran and the U.S. has entered its second month.
30:45Second month?
30:46Ooh, it's starting to get serious!
30:50This week, a U.S. airstrike destroyed Iran's largest bridge.
30:55Responding to criticism for targeting civilian infrastructure, a senior U.S. military official said,
31:01Oh, my God, we're so sorry.
31:03We thought it was a school.
31:10President Trump has criticised the U.K.'s Navy for being, quote, too old.
31:15Too old for Donald Trump?
31:17What is it?
31:1818.
31:21Responding to Trump's claims that our Navy was old and outdated, one admiral said,
31:26I'm going to go there and give him a piece of my mind, just as soon as the wind picks
31:29up.
31:32It's true.
31:33The U.K. only has one submarine and half the crew are dead.
31:39Now, new data published by the NHS shows that in the last five years,
31:45referrals for body dysmorphia treatment have quadrupled.
31:49Well, they think they've quadrupled.
31:50They actually look fine.
31:57It's been revealed that meta-billionaire Mark Zuckerberg is building a bunker under his compound in California.
32:03And I hope he uses that bunker in exactly the same way Hitler did.
32:15In big media news, DJ Scott Mills was fired from his job at the BBC.
32:20This after police searched the Radio 2 presenter's hard drive and found over 100 terabytes of decent music.
32:28In the last two weeks, online phenomenon Fruit Love Island
32:32has taken the internet by storm.
32:35It's just like normal Love Island, but the twist?
32:37The contestants are AI-generated fruit.
32:40Yes, this is genuinely a real thing
32:43that millions of people are tuning into every day.
32:46Here to comment on this viral sensation
32:48is random, former, real Love Island contestant
32:51Chloe Bibby-Wrinkle.
32:53Oh, no!
32:54No!
32:55Oh, it's so muggy.
32:58AI has nicked my job.
33:01It's taken me, a human, professional lady,
33:04years to perfect the art of shaking a cock under a bed sheet.
33:08Now, now people want to see a raspberry do it instead.
33:13Sorry, what is that you're doing with your hands?
33:16Oh, so I'm using the base of my thumbs to quell the flow of my tears.
33:20It's giving Kleenex.
33:23Which series were you in?
33:25Oh, yeah, I was in series 12 and three quarters,
33:28the villa in Djibouti.
33:31And what's it actually like to be on the show?
33:34Oh, my God, it's amazing.
33:35So, OK, imagine being trafficked, but in a nice way.
33:40Then imagine there's a pole, but none of us like to swim.
33:43Then imagine the memory of UK Garage.
33:46Then imagine getting a text.
33:47It was like that.
33:50And did you find love in the villa?
33:52Oh, yeah, I caught feels for Zebby Dee.
33:54But get this, week after we left,
33:56I found out he was, in fact, a mirage due to my heat stroke.
34:02Sorry, but why do so much grafting when you're a mirage?
34:07I'm torn off mirages now.
34:09Big dicks, though.
34:12Maybe it's for the best that you've been replaced with AI fruit.
34:15Like, with love and light, you don't seem well.
34:17Yeah, I'm moving spooky.
34:19I'm moving spooky.
34:21I was like, Anya, of course I would love to be a cherry with a fanny.
34:27Of course I would.
34:29But I have to accept that I'm a human woman with a brain.
34:33Like it or lump it.
34:34If the British public wants to see a peach cracking onto a tomato, then so be it.
34:39A tomato isn't a fruit, by the way.
34:41It is a fruit.
34:42I'm not worth it.
34:45It's not worth it.
34:46Love the island condition.
34:52It's Easter.
34:55It's Easter!
34:58That's right, the time of year where we celebrate the only murdered Palestinian we're allowed to talk about.
35:12And over Easter, the NHS crisis continues.
35:20Keir Starmer, seen here describing his favourite shape of box,
35:26has been unable to convince doctors to call off their upcoming six-day strike.
35:31So, a gentle reminder that with no doctors on call,
35:35what goes up your butt will stay up your butt for the best part of a week.
35:39It will be the best part.
35:43According to a police report, at the scene of his car crash in Florida last week,
35:47Tiger Woods had two opioid pills in his pocket.
35:50Woods claimed he was only keeping them in his pocket because he'd run out of room in his bloodstream.
35:56The Artemis 2 mission has seen four NASA astronauts set off for the far side of the moon.
36:02And if you're wondering why they're so obsessed with the back of the moon,
36:05that's where the bum is.
36:09Inspired by the success of Artemis 2,
36:12Britain's space agency is planning to launch its own rocket to the moon.
36:15And it will, just as soon as the wind picks up.
36:20In lighter news this week, an adorable little door mouse
36:24was found dozing in an old helium balloon caught in a tree in Essex.
36:28Here to tell us about his big adventure is an adorable little door mouse.
36:36Hi guys, I'm adorable to be here.
36:40Oh, you're so cute.
36:42It is so wonderful to have you here, an adorable little door mouse.
36:46Cool.
36:46Look at all these big scary cameras.
36:49Oh, it's okay.
36:49Don't be intimidated.
36:51Okay, camera three, where you at?
36:52Camera three, where you at?
36:54Okay, camera three, you got me, girl?
36:57Hey, Vogue, I'm an adorable little door mouse and this is what's in my bag.
37:04Okay, so up first, you just know it's a little buttercup that I sometimes wear as a hat.
37:11And next up, oh, I don't go anywhere without my Aesop hyaluronic face misdefence barrier.
37:17Shout out to Aesop.
37:20And up next, this one's kind of a little bit crazy and a bit freaky, but it's hot sauce.
37:26Sorry, are you just making content?
37:29I'm an influencer, Anya.
37:30My adorable story is blowing up and it's my time to shine.
37:34I'm only going to live for four years, Anya, and I'll spend three of those years hibernating.
37:38I've got to grab my moment.
37:42And that's why, over the course of this answer, I've already moved on from being an influencer to being a
37:46red carpet reporter.
37:49Anya, Anya, hey girl, we're here with Vershka jeans.
37:51What are you wearing, girl?
37:52Tell me what you're wearing.
37:52Don't tell me it's the boys with character collection from Georgia Asda.
37:56You look amazing, Anya, girl.
37:58You're hungry, girl?
38:00And my subway take, I think that...
38:04I think that raspberries are nice.
38:06Anya, anya, anya, anya, anya, anya, anya, anya, anya.
38:08Oh, wow.
38:10He's so cute.
38:11You really are moving through the life cycle of fame at an unbelievable rate.
38:15Welcome back to Off-Door Mice and Man, where I'm talking with my guest, Anya Magliano, about me being adorable.
38:25Oh, you've got a podcast now.
38:27Being adorable was always my superpower, you know?
38:31And suddenly I realised that people wanted me to be adorable all the time.
38:35And I could never be off.
38:37Sorry.
38:38Sorry.
38:41But now, my listeners can get help to switch off thanks to our sponsor, Dignitas.
38:48Dignitas?
38:48Is that bad?
38:49Sorry.
38:50Please don't cancel me.
38:51Oh!
38:53We could never cancel you, adorable little Dormouse.
38:56Well, wait and see.
38:57I have invested my money in some weird things.
39:00Ah!
39:01Adorable little Dormouse, everybody!
39:11Five Met police officers have been taken off duty after a bag of guns was accidentally left on the street
39:18in London.
39:19I feel sorry for the police.
39:21Sometimes you're so busy killing women that you forget where you left your bloody machine gun.
39:25What am I like?
39:29The government is passing new laws to make it easier to cancel online subscriptions and unwanted auto-renewals.
39:35Good news for me.
39:36Bad news for Dr. Chubb's penis pump emporium, whose platinum club is about to lose a member.
39:45A rainbow boa constrictor has miraculously given birth without fertilisation for the second time.
39:53Does anyone else find it kind of weird that God keeps bonking this steak?
40:01A peacock named Pete, who has recently taken up residence in Surrey, has reportedly learned to knock on doors with
40:07his beak.
40:08Sadly, he's doing so to alert the neighbourhood that he's a registered sex offender.
40:16According to a new report from the Department of Education, children under five should have no more than one hour
40:21of screen time per day
40:22to help improve physical health and family relationships.
40:25To discuss the impact this might have on parenting, here's a father and son who still do skin on skin!
40:48Thank you for having us.
40:51No problem.
40:52Er, now, let's talk about screen time.
40:56Oh, it's a scourge.
40:58It breaks my heart to get up that carvery and see all families glued to their phones.
41:06Nobody looking at the pork.
41:10Why can't everyone just be normal?
41:14Yeah, my boys never looked at a screen.
41:19And look at you.
41:22He's thriving.
41:24Yeah, you guys clearly have a strong bond.
41:27Is that because you're screen free?
41:29Yeah, I don't need an iPad.
41:31I can just pad this chest until the happy hormones start g-g-g-g-gushing.
41:38Why are you still doing this?
41:40Well, the midwife recommended it for as long as you can.
41:45It was great when I were a baby, but it's better now I'm 32.
41:50It's nice to know if things are stressful at work, but I can get home and get right on to
41:54dad.
41:57How does it reduce stress?
41:59Many, many ways.
42:01Regulates the heart rate.
42:03Slows the breathing.
42:05Helps with the breastfeeding.
42:08Breastfeeding?
42:09Men have got the glans as well.
42:11It just takes discipline, Paddy.
42:14Nobody has discipline these days.
42:18Are you smelling his head?
42:21Yeah.
42:23That's the best bit.
42:25You know that new...
42:28You know that newborn baby smell?
42:32Well, it's that, but older.
42:36This is unconventional, but I have to say you guys seem really happy.
42:40There's always room for one more, Paddy.
42:44Last Christmas, we got two uncles and a cousin on here.
42:48Pop that shirt off, Paddy lad.
42:50Don't be a stranger.
42:53Father and son are still doing skin on skin.
42:55Let me get in here.
42:57We can love it.
42:58I'm Paddy Lane.
42:59Thank you, Paddy Lane.
43:00Good night.
43:01No, no, no.
43:40Because the Royal Society of Literature issued a challenge to conceive a work of Gothic horror
43:46that taps into mankind's deepest, most universal fears.
43:51Tonight, three authors present their works.
43:55Miss Eliza Faust, Mr. Edmund Blackthorne, and Sir Humphrey Cosgrave.
44:06Miss Faust, you have the floor.
44:10Tonight, I present the story of an immortal count who feeds upon the blood of the living.
44:16I call it Nosferatu.
44:23Quite horrifying.
44:25Mr. Blackthorne.
44:27In my hands, the tail of a man cursed by the moon with an insatiable bloodlust.
44:34I give you the wolf man.
44:40And finally, Sir Humphrey.
44:43Esteemed colleagues, I present a tale of unspeakable terror.
44:50I give you the bastard seagull.
44:55I give you the seagull.
45:02Okay.
45:04Okay, questions.
45:07Um, sorry, I'm confused.
45:09Is this like an evil seagull?
45:11It won't bloody leave, you bastard!
45:17Okay, not exactly a universal fear, but a valiant effort.
45:21Perhaps now let's hear a passage from Miss Faust.
45:24The reading, gentlemen.
45:30It was dawn, that fragile hour, when night still clings to the edges of the world.
45:38The man awoke with a start to find the seagull very close.
45:46But a pubes' length from his face.
45:50He screamed,
45:54But the bastard didn't give one single toss.
46:03Okay, let's move on, Mr. Blackthorne.
46:05Sorry, um, why is there a seagull in this man's bedroom?
46:09It keeps coming in the window.
46:12But why doesn't he just shut it?
46:14It's stuck!
46:15It's like one of those old sash windows, and it's totally jammed.
46:23Sorry, is the whole book about a man who has a seagull in his bedroom?
46:27Not all of it.
46:28Some of it's about trying to get in touch with your landlord.
46:33Sir Humphrey, may I remind you this is meant to be a work of gothic horror.
46:38This is clearly a household maintenance issue.
46:40Yes, Mr. Blackthorne.
46:43Why can't he just fix the window?
46:45No, he's trying.
46:47Every time he gets anywhere near it, they all go mental.
46:52Wait, so there's more than one seagull?
46:55Yeah, the bastard brought his bastard friend.
46:59Honestly, it feels more like their place than his at this point.
47:03For God's sake, please can we move on to one of the other books?
47:07Yes, you, sir.
47:08Uh, hi.
47:10Has the seagull guy thought about introducing a bird of prey to scare them off?
47:14Yeah, what?
47:15He got an owl!
47:16And it's only made it worse, because the seagulls didn't leave.
47:22And now the owl thinks he's its baby.
47:25And he keeps vomiting his old field mice down his throat.
47:30Oh, well, yeah, yeah.
47:32And now tell me about it.
47:33Yeah.
47:34And the whole room stinks.
47:37And now there's a badger.
47:39Stop, sir, stop.
47:42Stop.
47:43You are asked to capture mankind's deepest fears,
47:47but this, I think, is something that's happened specifically to you,
47:49because you can't close your window.
47:51How dare you, sir?
47:54The bastard seagull is a work of universal terror.
47:59There's nothing scary about a seagull, sir.
48:04I have a state of dogma, a dogma, a bloody dogma for your lickers.
48:11Get out of the lickers.
48:17Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise,
48:20for Casabria!
48:31We arrived at the same place
48:38Kitten tied by the lights upon your face
48:46Body's moving, the floor's safe
48:53Eyes wide open, now we can both escape
49:02Now we're finally here together
49:05Seeing you release the pressure
49:08Even through the slimy weather
49:12Release the pressure
49:15Release the pressure
49:17Release the pressure
49:19Release the pressure
49:23Release the pressure
49:24Release the pressure
49:43We arrived at the same place
49:51Can't excise by the lights
49:54To look on your face
49:58We were so far from home
50:01Lives down a rabbit hole
50:02No one to save our soul
50:04About to lose control
50:06We were so far from home
50:08Lives down a rabbit hole
50:10No one to save our soul
50:11About to lose control
50:17Get your hands to the air
50:19On your three-piece
50:21Sweep
50:28Now we're finally here together
50:32Seeing you release the pressure
50:36Breathe in through the style of your love
50:41Release the pressure
50:43Release the pressure
50:44Release the pressure
50:46Get out
50:48Release the pressure
50:50Release the pressure
50:52Release the pressure
50:54I wanna save my soul
51:09I'm coming in, I'm coming in
51:12Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo
51:13Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo,
51:15yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo,
51:18yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo,
51:18yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo,
51:21yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo,
51:26yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo
51:49I
51:49Basically, I keep having nightmares. I'm gonna leave my baby on the bus which is weird because I never take
51:54the boss
51:56Sasha darling you could leave your baby anywhere
52:01Hi, I'm sorry. We're late. Sorry. Hi. You must be Nick welcome. Oh, thank you
52:06Look before you meet my partner. I just wanted to give you a heads up big weekend coming up a
52:12lot of big feelings
52:23No one look at me I'm a house. Oh
52:27My god, that's the Easter bunny. Oh, we'll do pickies later Nick. Give me a hand
52:31Okay, yeah, just give me a hand. Maybe just trust me. Don't drop me. Don't drop me. Just trust me.
52:34Give me a hand. Okay. Okay, okay
52:41Pascal, can I just say it's so nice to see another gay couple here. Yeah, seriously so nice
52:46We meet a couple like you and it's like yeah, they are the exact same thing as us
52:52I
52:53Don't know that exact same thing so Nick and Pascal how are you feeling? Oh gosh
52:59I mean all the normal stuff. I think right nervous excited. Yeah. Yeah, really stressed about pushing all
53:0682 million of them out. Oh
53:12But hey, what are people supposed to do not have Easter eggs?
53:18You give birth to Easter eggs
53:20No, he does
53:25I assumed
53:27Gosh, sorry, suddenly feel a bit sick. I assumed Easter eggs were all made in factories
53:32Then I suggest you educate yourself on queer history my love
53:38Somehow I don't think it's a queer thing
53:40Well, what is it then?
53:42I don't know anything about gay culture, so this is a real education for me
53:47No, please don't learn anything from this
53:50Well, I think it's a very generous thing you're doing carrying all those eggs and giving them away to people
53:56Oh, thanks doll. I mean my body shot, but my nipples are so long you could braid them
54:02Oh, that's a good idea for Bella's wedding, you know, braid my nipples
54:05You must be so proud watching the whole nation eat them. What?
54:13He thinks people raise the eggs as their children. Can we please not pull the curtain back on this? Thank
54:18you
54:19My ears are famously huge, Nick. You're not even covering up the holes
54:24Babe, babe, babe, babe, don't freak out. No, no, no, no. Is it true what he said the foreign one?
54:31I'm Scottish
54:33Babe, the eggs
54:35They're chocolate
54:37Nick
54:39You're scaring me
54:42Chocolate is food, Pascal. I can't shield you from this anymore
54:46They eat the eggs because chocolate is food
54:49But hey, hey, those eggs make a lot of people very happy
54:55They do?
54:57Yes
54:58Yes, children
54:59And adults who are too close to their parents
55:03And people who win crap raffles in May
55:06Give so many people so much joy
55:09I love you so much
55:11I'm so proud of you and I'm proud of us
55:13And I'm proud of you
55:15I'm proud of us
55:17Is it rude to ask like where the eggs come out of?
55:20How
55:23Dare you
55:26This rabbit has been giving birth every year since 1873
55:33Crack house pit bulls lead better lives
55:36You know what? You know what? I am wrung out like a flannel
55:39And you've done nothing but belittle me, him and our community since we've arrived
55:45Boys, as an ally, I am mortified
55:49Do you know what? Just save your apologies
55:50He's due any minute and the birthing process is literally one of the scariest things you can possibly imagine
55:56So we're leaving
55:57Help me up, Nick
55:57Help me up
55:58Get me away, baby
55:58Don't chop me
55:59Don't chop me
55:59Surrender to me
56:00Okay, okay
56:01Get the bags
56:01Get the bags
56:02Get the car ready
56:04It's outrageous
56:05I don't know why we even bother
56:11And they come out the back
56:26Wow
56:27Make some noise
56:31My biggest thanks to Kasabian
56:33And a huge thank you to the cast
56:35The writers
56:36Everyone working on tonight's show
56:38For making this such an unforgettable week
56:40Thank you so much for tuning in, for turning up
56:43And good night
56:50Thank you so much for tuning in, for allowing me to be a child
56:51Can I help you with my child?
56:55Yay!
57:02candid and a great song
57:03Thank you so much for coming in
57:03Thank you so much for tuning in, for coming in
57:03Thank you so much for coming in
57:03Thank you so much for tuning in
57:03Thank you so much for tuning in
57:04And you are ladies and gentlemen
57:06Thank you so much for jean
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