- 54 minutes ago
Taylor Tomlinson： Prodigal Daughter [Full Movie] [English Subs]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:28You
00:00:32You
00:01:09Thank you for coming to this. You did not have to. AI is getting pretty good.
00:01:14It is. It's getting way too good. I don't trust it. My iPhone started capitalizing the G in God
00:01:19again without asking me. Did that happen to anyone else? Yeah. I don't know which update it was,
00:01:22but all of a sudden my iPhone's like, did you mean King of Kings?
00:01:27The robots are coming and they love the Lord. Are you guys worried about the robots?
00:01:33You concerned? Yeah. Have you looked at the people in your life, your friends, your family, and then
00:01:38back at yourself and gone, uh-oh. I'm gonna be the one who falls in love with a robot.
00:01:48Have you been honest with you? It's okay. It's gonna be me. That's why I don't use chat GPT. I'm
00:01:55holding strong now, but in a few years when robot partners are available at like Best Buy,
00:02:00yeah, it's gonna be me drunk at the dinner party, defending my robot husband to all my friends. Like,
00:02:07oh, I'm sorry. What if it is a soul, you guys? Can you define it? That's what I thought. Also,
00:02:13I've met your lame-ass husband, Chelsea. Don't try to tell me you don't plug his ass in at night.
00:02:18Okay.
00:02:18Oh, it's a CPAP machine. He'll die. Whatever. His stories are long. Okay. Now show some respect. He's not
00:02:26an air fryer. He's the love of my life. Look him in the eyes when you talk to him. His
00:02:31pronouns are not
00:02:32it that. Yours are bitch, bitch. They are different. One is all caps. I like the idea of a robot
00:02:42partner
00:02:43because I think I'm less likely to fuck that up. I said less. No, you're right. I'll still find ways
00:02:49to be shitty and jealous of a robot partner. I'm like, why are you always by the dishwasher?
00:02:56Is her rack bigger than mine? Does she get wetter than me? Is it because she makes bubbles? Like,
00:03:04I can make bubbles. I'll get an infection. But if you need bubbles, like... I used to be a really
00:03:10toxic
00:03:10girlfriend. I've worked on it a lot in therapy over the years. I was a nightmare in my twenties. I
00:03:15was
00:03:15dating a guy once in my twenties and we were laying on the couch one night and we weren't fighting
00:03:19and
00:03:19I thought that was weird. So I turned to him and I said, Hey babe, if you found out that
00:03:26we were cousins,
00:03:30would you break up with me? And he goes, yes. And I was like, whoa, fast. No follow-up questions.
00:03:41You're just out like that. He goes, it's illegal, Taylor. I'm like, so are mushrooms and we did those.
00:03:49Now you're this law-abiding citizen just because we're cousins. He goes, you're so wrong about this.
00:03:55Ask anyone we know. So I texted the three happiest couples in my phone and I said, Hey, if you
00:04:00two
00:04:01found out Eric Cousins, you didn't know when you met, you haven't known this whole time you've been
00:04:04together, you have the same relationship you've always had, but whoops, your cousins, would you break up?
00:04:08And they all wrote back, do we have to tell anybody?
00:04:16And I showed him my phone and I said, that's what love looks like.
00:04:26Quick poll, if you found out your partner was your cousin, clap if you would break up
00:04:33with them. Okay. That's a lot of people. No, don't discuss. Fight in the car. Fight in the
00:04:39car. Okay. Now, if you found out your partner was a robot, clap if you would break up with them.
00:04:49Oh, interesting. Bit of a drop off over here. Some of us clap for cousin and not for robot. Okay.
00:04:59So we're going to abandon our family. Well, we'll keep fucking the toaster. Okay.
00:05:08Oh, that makes sense. I really was triggered by the capital G God in my phone because I have
00:05:14religious trauma. Anybody else have religious trauma? Thought you might. If you don't know
00:05:21what religious trauma means, it just means you grew up in church. You're not religious
00:05:24anymore. But now, anytime you feel good, you feel kind of bad about it. Like, have you ever
00:05:30had a dip in the middle of an orgasm? Like, that dip is Jesus spraying you in the face with
00:05:41a water bottle. That's why I don't say, oh God, during sex. He's like, Beetlejuice. He'll show up.
00:05:49And to be clear, I'm not an atheist. I just don't know what happens. Neither do you. Spoiler
00:05:53alert. Nobody knows. I've never related to the certainty so many Christians feel where they're
00:05:59like, I just know. You're like, but how do you know there's a God? I just know. The only time
00:06:03I've
00:06:03ever just known something, it was that I had diarrhea. That's the only time, the only time I've
00:06:09ever been like, oh, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And I did start praying. But I resent both sides equally. I
00:06:21hate it
00:06:21when people are like, there's no God, it's just darkness, fuck you. And I hate it when people are
00:06:25like, there is a God and here's his address and he loves me best. I just hate confidence. That's
00:06:29really what it is. I cannot stand it when people are too confident. I have one very confident
00:06:34friend. That's it. That's all I can handle in my life. One friend so confident. You know
00:06:39that hot girl in eighth grade who always came into class late with a Frappuccino and you're
00:06:44like, we get it. Your mom had you on purpose. She's like that. So I can only see her every
00:06:51like six to eight months. We got lunch a couple months ago. Our food comes to the table. She
00:06:58immediately sends her food back to the kitchen. Did you know you could do that outside of
00:07:02a film? She did that shit in real life. I go, oh my God, what was wrong with it? She
00:07:06goes, ugh, there was a hair in it. One hair. There would have to be a toupee on my lasagna.
00:07:17And even then I'd be like, I'm so sorry. I should have asked for this without toupee. I, no,
00:07:23I understand it's a garnish. It's just sort of triggering in this political climate. But
00:07:29but I understand it looks very natural. Thank you, chef. I'll pick around it. Pick around
00:07:34it. I don't think I'm smarter than religious people. I hate it when atheists talk down to
00:07:40anyone who believes in God. I've believed a lot of stupid shit in my life. God's not
00:07:43even top three. Okay. I've believed tall guys. He plays guitar. He must be nice. I'm dumb. All right.
00:07:54When my religious family members talk about God, like God got me through the hardest years
00:07:58of my life. I'm like, shit, that's how I talk about Gilmore girls. Like I'm
00:08:04an idiot. And I capitalize those G's. I make sure every time. That's right. But I have a lot of
00:08:12Christians in my life. A lot of people praying for me, which I try not to take personally.
00:08:17You ever have someone say they're praying for you and you don't know what they're referring to?
00:08:22They're like, hey, I just want to let you know I'm praying for you. What?
00:08:25What? I'm not sick. Oh yeah? Well, I'm praying for you. What do you think about that, Bev?
00:08:34Heard you need it, bitch. She's like, no, God's just been putting you on my heart lately. Well,
00:08:40tell God to scrape me off your heart because I'm doing awesome. Okay. I don't know what you heard
00:08:44in the church parking lot, but that was a family matter, Bev. I'm going to tint the van windows.
00:08:52I have a lot of cool Christians in my life. Cool Christians love to let you know they're cool.
00:08:57They do. They love to like swear in front of you. They're like, look, I understand why you have
00:09:04doubts. I get it. I watch the news. Shit is fucked up. Then they look at you like they did
00:09:17a trick
00:09:17on a skateboard. I have an uncle who's a pastor and he's a really cool guy. He's very humble
00:09:27down to earth. He's not like one of these mega church douchebags who wears expensive sneakers
00:09:30and like writes a book with his face on it. Every time I see a pastor on a book tour,
00:09:35I'm
00:09:35like, Hey man, weren't you already promoting a book? How many bestsellers do you need, Joel?
00:09:53My uncle's really cool. He's the only person in my life who understands what I do for work. He
00:09:56and I have very similar jobs. We're both out here on the weekends changing lives.
00:10:01No, he hates it when I say that. He hates it so much. I'm always trying to talk shop with
00:10:05him.
00:10:05I'm like, Hey Jim, how was your early show? He's like, you know, it's first service, Taylor.
00:10:12I'm like, well, I just noticed he had a heckler on the late one. He goes, that person was yelling
00:10:15amen and hallelujah to agree. I'm like, that's the worst kind of heckler, Jim, because they're
00:10:20being supportive, but they're still disrupting your flow, right? I go, you know, I donate 10%
00:10:26of what I make too. He's like, to who? I'm like, my agent, but it's still a tithe.
00:10:34I'm like, I'm kidding, Jim. I know we don't do the same thing, but think about this. I make
00:10:39them feel guilty Saturday night. You save their ass Sunday morning. I set them up. You spiked
00:10:44the ball. You're welcome. I helped. But my uncle Jim's like a great pastor. He's like very
00:10:57progressive. He gives really interesting sermons. We didn't have a cool pastor like my uncle Jim
00:11:01growing up. We had a basic ass pastor who stuck to three topics. He had three messages. You are
00:11:06forgiven. Marriage is hard. Merry Christmas. Like those were the three. I do feel for pastors
00:11:15on Christmas and Easter because those are big weeks at church, right? Those are recruitment
00:11:20weeks. That's when everybody comes out of the woodwork. That's when the decaf Christians
00:11:25swing by. You only see those motherfuckers twice a year and you got to blow their minds so hard
00:11:31with the extras that they upgrade their subscription to weekly. That's a lot of pressure.
00:11:36Easter. And as the pastor on Christmas and Easter, you can't get creative. You can't
00:11:40get weird with it. You can't do an acoustic set. You got to play the hits. You got to tell
00:11:46the stories, right? Easter's a better story than Christmas, in my opinion. If you don't
00:11:51know, Easter is the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ. It's where all of our merch is
00:11:56from. You've seen it. You've seen it. Dead guy up there. But tasteful, somehow very tasteful.
00:12:03Makes you think about your own death. Like, ooh, hope I die in a way that looks good on
00:12:07jewelry, right? Think about it. When grandma died, were you like, ooh, slap her on an
00:12:12anklet? No, he's really doing it up there. I'll stop doing it. I'll stop doing it. We're
00:12:18all familiar.
00:12:21But Easter's a great story. There's a lot of action, right? It's the crucifixion, the
00:12:25resurrection. It's Jesus in his prime, early 30s, ripped. We betrayed him. We killed him.
00:12:34He's back. It's basically Twilight. It's a sexy, sexy story. I'm kidding. Twilight belongs
00:12:40to the Mormons. Don't take that from them, okay? They can't have caffeine. They need something
00:12:44to wake him up. Christmas is not as good a story. It's just not. The birth of Jesus,
00:12:49it starts off strong, right? An angel comes down from heaven, tells Mary, I know you're
00:12:53a virgin, but you're pregnant with the Son of God. Oh, shit. And then the angel has to
00:12:58go tell her boyfriend, Joseph, because believe women wasn't really a thing back then. So the
00:13:04angel's like, it's God in there, I promise. And then what? Then the angel leaves. Then it's
00:13:09just a long walk to a barn. That's most of Christmas. It's just this right here. Jesus
00:13:14is barely in it. He comes in right at the end. He does zero magic. It sucks. Jesus is basically
00:13:22the post-credits scene in a Marvel movie. It's trash. Sucks.
00:13:36I remember one year our pastor tried to spice up the Christmas story. He came out and he
00:13:40goes, thought he found a new angle, right? He comes out, he goes, you know, we always kind
00:13:44of rush through the Christmas story, don't we? Since we all know it so well. But if you
00:13:49ever really stop to think about what this must have been like for Mary, and all the women
00:13:57were like, oh, and all the men were like, no. Which one's Mary again? Oh, are you talking
00:14:06about the vessel? You talking about the hole we put the Lord in? You talking about the Jesus
00:14:11jar? You talking about the Christ cubby? You talking about the Savior sack? You talking
00:14:20about the prophet pocket? We could keep going, but we have to move on. But that's a fun game
00:14:26to play to come down from the cousin fight, if you want. That Mary POV sermon went over
00:14:33so well for him that he came out the next year all excited. Like, last year we talked about
00:14:37what it must have been like for Mary to find out she was pregnant with Jesus. But have you
00:14:41ever stopped to think about what this must have been like for Joseph? And all the men were
00:14:47like, finally! Representation! I also think whores are lying to me!
00:14:56Joseph was Mary's betrothed at the time. Again, I don't assume everybody knows all the Bible
00:15:00stories. You grew up in church, you're like, everybody's learning these. Nope, some kids were
00:15:04having childhoods on their bikes. Is there anyone in here who never went to church, has never
00:15:11believed in God, never been religious at all? Wow, all in the back. That checks out. That
00:15:16checks out. Well, you sound very at peace. You sound so relaxed, but how do you know right
00:15:23from wrong? How do you not kill people? How do you? Some Christians talk like that. My
00:15:27dad growing up was like, you know, if I weren't a Christian, I'd be in jail. And I'm like, whoa,
00:15:32I'm six. Let's do a good night moon tomorrow instead of dad's dark thoughts. That was, some
00:15:40Christians walk around like, yeah, if Sky Dad didn't have me on house arrest, there'd be
00:15:44some mud on my boots. And you're like, cool, let's only hang out in groups. But if you didn't
00:15:51grow up in church, you might not know a lot of Bible stories, might not know any Bible
00:15:54stories. I won't put you on the spot, don't worry. I used to, learned my lesson. One time
00:15:57I asked someone and they panicked and went, veggie tales. Which, hey, close enough, but
00:16:06it did make me laugh real hard. Just, who betrayed Jesus? Bob the tomato. I remember he bounced
00:16:13in like, you're going to die, Jesus. I'm kidding. They didn't do it. No, they didn't do, they
00:16:21didn't do the crucifixion on veggie tales. They wouldn't do that. That's, that's crazy. That's
00:16:26way too dark. Also, no arms. So who's going to, you know, who's going to do the finale?
00:16:34What are they going to do, put baby carrots on Larry? That's insane. We can't do that.
00:16:41I assume, even if you didn't grow up religious, you know, like Noah's Ark. Most people know
00:16:45that one. That's our big one. It's on the cover of all of our coloring books. Yeah. It
00:16:50really is a testament, huh, to how fucked up the Bible is. That we read Noah's Ark and
00:16:57we're like, that's the kid's story. That story is dark as hell. It's about God drowning all
00:17:04his kids because they were being annoying. And we're like, yeah, that should be the mural in
00:17:09the nursery. Come here, little buddy. These are the animals he didn't drown. Oh, what a
00:17:18lucky horsey that got to go on the boat with one friend. It's the rainbow. I think they think
00:17:29the rainbow saves it. God sent Noah, who probably had some trust issues at that point. The rainbow
00:17:35as a promise to never flood the earth again, which I think is the darkest part of the story.
00:17:40Rainbow after a destructive flood. I mean, that's like buying someone a ring after you push them
00:17:44down the stairs. That's crazy. Every time I see a rainbow, I don't think of gay rights. I don't
00:17:49even think of rain. I just think of God going, I mean, I didn't kill everybody.
00:18:07Some people don't even realize Noah's Ark's from the Bible. I've asked people, oh, do you
00:18:11know any Bible stories? They go, not one. I go, what about Noah? They're like, well, I know that
00:18:14one. Like that's how much Bible stories have like infiltrated pop culture. I have a friend who said
00:18:21they knew prodigal son and I go, oh, you know the story? And they're like, oh no, I just think
00:18:25there
00:18:25was like a show or something. I've heard the term, right? If you don't know the story of the prodigal
00:18:30son, it's a story that Jesus teaches. It tells in the Bible to teach a lesson, right? So in the
00:18:36story, there's a rich dad and he's got two sons and the older son does everything right because
00:18:40he's the oldest. And the younger son is like, I want my money now. And the dad's like, okay,
00:18:46that's not how inheritance works. I'm fully alive, but here you go. So he gives the younger son his
00:18:51money. Then this piece of shit bucks right off. Did I mention I'm the oldest of four? This piece of
00:18:56shit. Bucks right off. And how do they put it? Squanders his wealth on wild living, which
00:19:02is Bible for blows it all on Bitcoin and lap dances. He then has the audacity to come back
00:19:10years later, like, sorry, dad. I lost all your money. I suck. Can I come back? And the older
00:19:17son was probably like, yeah, finally finish him. And the dad goes, my baby's home. Oh my
00:19:26God. Let's throw him a big party. I know all the oldest kids in here. We all have diarrhea
00:19:31right now. I know every oldest kid in here. Your asshole went all the way inside your body.
00:19:36You're so upset. Just remember, these are people from the Bible. They can't hurt you. They've
00:19:39been dead a long time. Okay. We're almost done. So the older son is obviously pissed. He's
00:19:45like, dad, I've done everything right my whole life. And you've never even thrown me a small
00:19:49party. Look it up. He says that. And the dad is like, yeah, you're great. Love you. But
00:19:59your brother, he was lost and now he's found. So we celebrate. And if you ask a pastor what
00:20:07that story is about, they will tell you that it's about how you can go off and live in sin
00:20:10and lose your way spiritually, but you can always return to the Lord and he'll forgive you.
00:20:14And if you ask me what that story is about, I will tell you that it is about how Jesus
00:20:20was an
00:20:21only child. But because I grew up in church, I see Bible stories everywhere, right? Like
00:20:37here's some fun ones. What about the 200 foreskin story? Do you know that one? Yeah. That's a deep
00:20:42cut. So in the Bible, David wanted to marry Saul's daughter. And Saul's like, you can marry my
00:20:49daughter if you bring me back the foreskins of a hundred of my enemies, which like, whoa,
00:20:53Scorpio, am I right? Who has a hundred enemies and is thinking about their foreskins? Like
00:20:59someone was born in deep November. So Saul's like, get me a hundred foreskins and we'll talk.
00:21:04So David goes out, comes back with 204 skins. And that's where the phrase, if he wanted to,
00:21:12he would ladies comes from. That's not from TikTok. That's from the Bible.
00:21:20What about, uh, what about Job? Have we heard of Job? Job, got some Job heads in the house.
00:21:26Job was this guy in the Bible. He loved God so much. One day God and Satan are talking. Uh,
00:21:32but you know, sometimes you call your ex and everyone's like, what are you doing? Right?
00:21:36So God and Satan are kicking it for some reason. And Satan goes, Hey God, I noticed that Job loves
00:21:42you a lot. And God's like, yeah. And Satan's like, well, I bet he wouldn't love you as much
00:21:48if I fucked with him enough. And God's like, okay, I'm bored. Let's see what you got.
00:21:54So Satan goes out and he ruins Job's life. But Job never forsakes God. And that is what,
00:22:02how to lose a guy in 10 days is based off of. Matthew McConaughey is Job. Kate Hudson is Satan.
00:22:18Is there anyone in here who grew up religious, but is not religious anymore?
00:22:25You're at the right show. All right. Of those people who saved people, who spread the good
00:22:30news while they were religious. Ooh, bit of a drop off there. That's tough. A lot of
00:22:35us didn't do the homework. You save people while you're religious, but you're not religious
00:22:40anymore. Okay. Do you ever feel, serious question. Do you ever feel like maybe you should like
00:22:46call those people? Just a courtesy call. Like, Hey, remember what I told you about forever?
00:22:52Oh, I don't know. What if those people get up to heaven and they're like, look, your sponsor's not
00:22:57in there. So we didn't know you were coming. I don't know. Are you sure? Maybe they Holy ghosted
00:23:03you. We're sorry. For real though. You got to go to hell. We're sorry about that. I never saved
00:23:09anybody at all. I was talking to someone who grew up Mormon. I was like, well, you guys were really
00:23:14saving people. And he was like, Oh yeah. Baptism for the dead. You guys know what that is? I didn't
00:23:18know.
00:23:18Apparently in Mormonism, sometimes they will save people after they've died, which really takes
00:23:25the pressure off of saving live people. Doesn't it? When you can just go, Hey, do you believe
00:23:29in God? And they're like, no. And you're like, that's okay. We'll wait. And then as soon as
00:23:37they're dead, you're like, Bippity Boppity Mormon. This is how you get a soul to heaven, right?
00:23:48Like you're trying to get poop smell out of your hinge dates bathroom. If you're not laughing,
00:23:53you're married and fuck you. This joke's not for you. Enjoy shitting with the door open.
00:23:58Some of us have to carry matches everywhere. My biggest issue with church wasn't that they
00:24:05wanted us to save people. It's that they wouldn't let you make a good point, right? Anytime you
00:24:11were growing up in church, you were like, we have to admit it was pretty messed up when God
00:24:14did this in the Bible. They'd be like, well, that was the old Testament. You know, that was before
00:24:18God stopped drinking. Like that was a different guy. Yeah. He's kind of a fuck boy back there.
00:24:23And then he had a kid and he's like, I'm different now. You know, he's like, he's like, I was
00:24:27in a
00:24:27fraternity. Of course I was drowning people. Like it's people change. Anytime you had an unanswerable
00:24:34question at church, they always said the same thing. They'd go, that's a great question.
00:24:39And we can ask God that when we get to heaven, which like, if you were God, how pissed would
00:24:48you be that they were sending people up to heaven like that with a bunch of questions
00:24:52for you? You're God. You made everything and everyone. You probably just want to do the
00:24:56ta-da heaven part. And now every time someone dies, you have to do a press conference.
00:25:03Every time someone dies, you're like, Hey, welcome to heaven. They're like, okay, but first God,
00:25:07when a kid dies, right? And they didn't say the prayer and they didn't get saved. That's an
00:25:10automatic heaven. Right. God, you wouldn't send a kid to hell. Right. God. Right. God. Right. God.
00:25:13Right. God. And God's like, fuck. Seriously, dude, you're in heaven, bitch. Do you go to
00:25:26Disneyland? Like hope all the workers get benefits? Like shut up. You are a killjoy.
00:25:35Yes. The kids are in heaven. We muted the kids so we could all enjoy heaven, but yes.
00:25:45That's a dark one. I know. That's a dark one. I have a dark sense of humor, partially because I
00:25:49grew up in church. Church is a dark place. Every Sunday you go to a big room where the underlying
00:25:54message is, won't it be great when we all get to be dead with daddy? That's church.
00:25:59Can't wait to be dead with dada. That's church. But I can't blame church entirely. I also, I had
00:26:06a parent die really young. So my siblings and I all have really dark senses of humor, right? Like I
00:26:11was
00:26:11talking to my younger sibling Bryn recently, because you know how you and your siblings all remember
00:26:14different parts of your childhood. So sometimes you get together and you're like, all right, here's
00:26:19what I remember. What have you got? Okay. Let's put this all out on the table and figure out
00:26:24what the fuck happened to us back there. So we were having a puzzle day at home.
00:26:30And I said, do you remember that hospice grief support group we got sent to for kids whose
00:26:36parents had died of cancer? And Bryn goes, oh yeah. Do you remember how not everybody's
00:26:40parents were dead yet? Yes. Some of them still had active, I'm just saying, feels like they
00:26:47could have put us in different rooms, right? Maybe do a shirts and skins situation. But
00:26:54no, they were like Christmas present, Christmas future, discuss. Something's coming around the
00:27:01mountain. You know what it is. That's not what I remembered about the group. What I remembered
00:27:09about the group is there was one kid in there whose parent hadn't died. His uncle had died. And look,
00:27:19I don't want to be a bitch. But like our mom was dead. And it just kind of feels like
00:27:34paper covers uncle. You know what I mean? Like, I'm just saying, like this kid had parents. He
00:27:39wasn't Spider-Man. Like some losses affect who you are for the rest of your life. And some
00:27:44are your uncle. Like what are we? I do think when you have a parent die young, you tend to
00:27:50think
00:27:50about death a lot more than other people. I certainly do. I tend to jump to the worst possible
00:27:55scenario. I catastrophize constantly, much to the detriment of many of my relationships.
00:28:01I was dating a guy once and I said, hey babe, when you don't hear back from me for a
00:28:05few hours,
00:28:06do you ever get scared that something bad might have happened to me? And he goes, no.
00:28:12I get scared you're mad at me.
00:28:17Men would rather you be dead than mad at them. Men would rather be in mourning than in trouble.
00:28:24That's the truth. If a guy misses five calls from his wife, he's like, oh, I hope this
00:28:29is the paramedic who found her.
00:28:36I also wish that joke didn't work.
00:28:40You know what's so funny to me about men who kill their wives?
00:28:44What? Well, just wait. What's so funny to me about men who kill their wives is like,
00:28:49they think they're going to get away with it. And it's like, dude, you've never planned
00:28:54a goddamn thing in your whole life. You've never made a dinner reservation and now you're
00:29:06going to hide a body? This is quite the maiden voyage for event planning, dude.
00:29:13Maybe start with a potluck.
00:29:18I do think I've spent a lot of my life being really scared of death.
00:29:22You know, anytime I wasn't actively yearning for it, of course.
00:29:25Oh, good. Some depression in the room. Thank God.
00:29:28I did that joke in Sweden. They just stared at me.
00:29:30They were like, huh? Sad for no reason.
00:29:33But how? They didn't get it.
00:29:36A lot of this hour, Europe didn't get.
00:29:38They were like, God, we have health care.
00:29:40They give you God instead of health care?
00:29:44That doesn't seem like the same thing.
00:29:47If you have depression, you have a pretty complicated relationship with death.
00:29:51You sort of look at death like it's the phantom of the opera.
00:29:54Most of the time, you're like, oh, that's scary.
00:29:57But then sometimes you're like, I mean, that side of his face is kind of hot.
00:30:03Hear me out. I could live underground. I don't know.
00:30:07This section is sad.
00:30:11I've been trying to face my fear of death head on this past year.
00:30:15I wrote a will because a lot of my friends were getting married.
00:30:17And I was like, I want to sign a scary document.
00:30:21I learned so much.
00:30:22If you don't have a will, you got to write one with a professional.
00:30:25That panicked note you write on your phone during turbulence,
00:30:27that will not hold up in court.
00:30:29They taught me that.
00:30:30I thought for sure that was fine.
00:30:31Nope.
00:30:32Here's what I learned.
00:30:33I did not know this.
00:30:34If you die unexpectedly, your closest living relatives are your parents,
00:30:39not your siblings, which is what I thought because I'm dumb.
00:30:41So if you die unexpectedly, your parents will inherit everything you own
00:30:45unless you disinherit them in writing like the petty bitch you are, right?
00:30:51And I know some of you are sitting there right now going, well, whatever.
00:30:54I don't have a good relationship with my parents, Taylor,
00:30:56but I don't really have anything for them to inherit.
00:30:59Do you have a TV?
00:31:03Do you think your shitty dad deserves an extra TV?
00:31:11You think your death should feel like winning the price is right for him?
00:31:14Fuck that.
00:31:15Call a lawyer.
00:31:27But I had to make a lot of decisions when I wrote my will.
00:31:30I had to choose who was going to pull the plug if I'm in a coma,
00:31:33so I picked my sibling Bryn,
00:31:35because they are going to inherit my money if I die,
00:31:36and I was like, earn it, dude, right?
00:31:39I go, you decide when that money drops.
00:31:43And they were like, okay, well, if you're in a coma,
00:31:45not responding to anything, what do you want me to do?
00:31:47How long do you want me to wait?
00:31:48And I was like, here's what I want you to do.
00:31:50I want you to start Parks and Rec from the beginning.
00:31:54And I want you to keep it playing all day, all night in my hospital room.
00:31:58If we get to the end of that show,
00:32:01and I have not woken up yet,
00:32:04start the office.
00:32:07And then when Steve Carell leaves,
00:32:10just kill me.
00:32:10Okay, don't.
00:32:12Do not make me watch Andy be manager.
00:32:14Don't do that to me again.
00:32:18Don't do that.
00:32:24I had to decide what I want to happen to my remains when I'm gone.
00:32:27Have you guys decided what you want to happen to your bodies when you're gone?
00:32:30Yeah?
00:32:31Well, what are we going to do?
00:32:32A tree pod.
00:32:33Well, a tree pod?
00:32:35Yeah, that's nice.
00:32:36I like that you say tree pod,
00:32:37because every once in a while you get a girl who's like,
00:32:38I'm going to be a tree!
00:32:39And you have to explain to her, like,
00:32:41oh, sweetie, you don't get to be the tree.
00:32:44You're tree food.
00:32:45You're helping the tree.
00:32:45You're sort of like a pageant mom to the tree.
00:32:48Like, go, baby, go.
00:32:50Be what I cannot, right?
00:32:53Tree pod's great.
00:32:54What else we got?
00:32:54Donating to science.
00:32:56Someone said, what?
00:32:57Donating to science.
00:32:58Donating to science.
00:32:59What part of science?
00:33:00What area of science are we thinking?
00:33:02Especially medical school.
00:33:03Oh, okay, you have a medical school picked out,
00:33:05but not like a specific area of science,
00:33:07not like keep it all above the net.
00:33:09I'm just saying,
00:33:10do we trust a bunch of college kids
00:33:15with our dead bodies?
00:33:17Do we feel like,
00:33:18here's a dead mess of holes.
00:33:19You decide what science is.
00:33:21I'm not sure about that.
00:33:23I just leave specific instructions.
00:33:25That's my only thing.
00:33:26Is anyone getting cremated?
00:33:28Yeah?
00:33:28Okay.
00:33:29I hope you have a plan
00:33:30for where you want those ashes spread,
00:33:32because sometimes people go,
00:33:33I don't know.
00:33:33And it's like,
00:33:34you are going to end up somewhere weird
00:33:36if you don't,
00:33:37your ashes are going to end up
00:33:38in like the cup holder
00:33:40in your driver's side door.
00:33:42You know that weird one
00:33:43where every six months you're like,
00:33:44was that an oat milk latte once?
00:33:47Like that's,
00:33:47the best answer I got recently,
00:33:49a guy yelled out,
00:33:50Viking funeral.
00:33:53Yeah, some guy in the crowd
00:33:55just yelled out,
00:33:56Viking funeral.
00:33:57And I was like,
00:33:57okay, I mean,
00:33:58that's cool if you want that,
00:33:59but I hope you have a niece or nephew
00:34:01that you're sending to summer camp
00:34:02that can make that shot,
00:34:04because that's a hard shot to make.
00:34:07The boat gets smaller and smaller
00:34:08the further away it gets.
00:34:09And if they miss,
00:34:11that's not a Viking funeral anymore.
00:34:12That's just a dead guy in a boat.
00:34:16And that is not as festive, is it?
00:34:18That's stand by me too.
00:34:23I'd like to be cremated, personally,
00:34:25because I like that you can
00:34:26inconvenience your family
00:34:28after you're gone.
00:34:29That's fun for me.
00:34:30Because who's going to say no
00:34:31to taking your ashes home,
00:34:32first off?
00:34:33Like, oh, I couldn't possibly,
00:34:35there's no room at my house.
00:34:38We're full up on haunted cups.
00:34:40Like, nice try.
00:34:42Take me home.
00:34:42I'm so small, right?
00:34:44And then if you want your family
00:34:46to spread you somewhere,
00:34:47depending on how you feel
00:34:47about your family,
00:34:48that's where you send them, right?
00:34:50So if you love your family,
00:34:51you're like,
00:34:52I'd like you to spread me
00:34:53in Hawaii over seven days of PTO.
00:34:56That's what I'd like.
00:34:58Love you guys.
00:34:58Miss you.
00:34:59And then if you don't like your family,
00:35:00you can be like,
00:35:01have you been to Toledo?
00:35:10In January.
00:35:12Actually, no, no.
00:35:14I want you to do it
00:35:14right between Christmas
00:35:15and New Year's.
00:35:19My mom was cremated,
00:35:21and after my mom died,
00:35:23my dad got remarried,
00:35:24and when my dad got remarried,
00:35:25he gave my mom's ashes
00:35:26to my grandma
00:35:27because return to sender,
00:35:29I guess.
00:35:31You're right.
00:35:32I am so sorry.
00:35:33Return to manufacture.
00:35:34That's what it is.
00:35:36And his reasoning was,
00:35:38he was like,
00:35:38look, I'm getting remarried,
00:35:39and I just,
00:35:39I can't take these
00:35:41into another woman's home.
00:35:42And as his daughter,
00:35:43I was like,
00:35:44yes, you can.
00:35:46But as an adult woman now,
00:35:48I'm like,
00:35:48oh, no, you can't.
00:35:50I've dated straight men.
00:35:52I don't like it
00:35:52when they follow their exes
00:35:53on Instagram.
00:35:54You're telling me
00:35:54if he brought
00:35:55a little baggie
00:35:56of her bones inside
00:35:58and was like,
00:35:59this lives under the TV forever.
00:36:01I'd be like,
00:36:02cool, love that there.
00:36:03No, I'd be passive-aggressive
00:36:04at best.
00:36:05I would probably flush
00:36:06a teaspoon of her
00:36:07every day.
00:36:09Just.
00:36:29Until one day he picked it up
00:36:30and was like,
00:36:31the urn feels lighter.
00:36:32I'm like,
00:36:32maybe she lost weight.
00:36:35Not you body shaming
00:36:36the urn, babe.
00:36:38You know what's funny
00:36:39about that joke?
00:36:40I don't even really
00:36:40feel that way anymore.
00:36:42I think a younger version
00:36:43of me felt that way.
00:36:44When you're single
00:36:44in your 30s,
00:36:45you don't care about so much.
00:36:47You kind of just want someone
00:36:48who's not going to bug you.
00:36:50That's really,
00:36:51in my 20s,
00:36:51I was so insecure,
00:36:52so toxic.
00:36:53I was like,
00:36:53I need to be someone's
00:36:54first and only true love.
00:36:56Their one and only wife.
00:36:57I need to be with someone
00:36:58who does not watch pornography.
00:37:00And now I'm like,
00:37:01you can jerk off
00:37:01to your dead wife if you want.
00:37:02I don't care.
00:37:05You want to put her bones
00:37:06under the TV?
00:37:07Is the TV playing my show?
00:37:09Then that's great.
00:37:11You put as many bitches
00:37:12up there as you want.
00:37:13We'll watch Love is Blind
00:37:14as a family.
00:37:23I told my buddy Dustin that
00:37:24and he goes,
00:37:25what if you married a guy
00:37:26who was still in love
00:37:27with his dead wife?
00:37:29And I was like,
00:37:29she's not coming back.
00:37:31What do I?
00:37:32That's his thing
00:37:33to deal with.
00:37:34You know,
00:37:34lock yourself in the bathroom,
00:37:36smell her shirts,
00:37:36cry it out.
00:37:37But we're going
00:37:38to Chili's at five.
00:37:41And the coupon's for two,
00:37:43not three.
00:37:44So get it all
00:37:46out of your system, babe.
00:37:47Hell,
00:37:47jerk off into the urn
00:37:49if you want.
00:37:50Hey,
00:37:50when life gives you lemons,
00:37:52make cement
00:37:52or whatever.
00:37:55It's romantic.
00:37:57She can swallow
00:37:58one last time.
00:38:08Shame on you
00:38:09for laughing at that.
00:38:15I do think
00:38:16my fear of death
00:38:17has propelled me professionally.
00:38:19It's made me sort of
00:38:20a workaholic, probably.
00:38:22I was doing two full-time jobs
00:38:23for the last couple of years.
00:38:25I was touring,
00:38:25doing stand-up on the weekends
00:38:26and then I was hosting
00:38:27a late-night show
00:38:28called After Midnight
00:38:29during the week.
00:38:30Oh, thank you.
00:38:33That's very nice.
00:38:35Great experience.
00:38:36Learned so much.
00:38:37Worked with great people.
00:38:38I had an assistant on set,
00:38:39which I initially did not want.
00:38:41It is a slippery slope
00:38:42having someone
00:38:43whose whole job
00:38:43is to fetch you snacks.
00:38:45Okay?
00:38:46Because day one,
00:38:46you're like,
00:38:47could I borrow a phone charger?
00:38:48Next thing you know,
00:38:48you're like,
00:38:49could I just grab a LaCroix
00:38:50before you know it?
00:38:50You're like,
00:38:51could you just hold
00:38:51both my hands
00:38:52until I fall asleep?
00:38:55My assistant's name
00:38:56was Molly.
00:38:57Molly was incredible.
00:38:58Molly was so good
00:38:58at her job,
00:38:59I'm definitely
00:39:00gonna die alone now
00:39:01because the standard
00:39:02of care in relationships
00:39:03is now Molly.
00:39:05All right?
00:39:06Here's how good Molly
00:39:07was at her job.
00:39:07My first day
00:39:08on the Paramount lot,
00:39:09I drive under the lot,
00:39:10I park in a reserve
00:39:11parking spot for me
00:39:12and there's a big bush
00:39:13that's sort of growing
00:39:13in to the driver's side door.
00:39:15Right?
00:39:16Nothing crazy,
00:39:16just enough to make it
00:39:17kind of hard to like,
00:39:18oh, shimmy out.
00:39:19Right?
00:39:19There's a few bees
00:39:20buzzing around
00:39:20so I kind of did
00:39:21one of those
00:39:22before I was like,
00:39:23hey, nice to meet you,
00:39:24Molly.
00:39:24That's all that happened.
00:39:25I didn't complain
00:39:27about the bush.
00:39:27I didn't report
00:39:28the bush to anyone.
00:39:29Molly just witnessed
00:39:30the bush touch me
00:39:32a little.
00:39:34I drive under the lot
00:39:35the next day,
00:39:37park in my spot
00:39:38and the bush
00:39:39was gone.
00:39:42And I went,
00:39:43Molly,
00:39:44did you have them
00:39:45cut down
00:39:46this bush?
00:39:47And she goes,
00:39:48yep,
00:39:48and I had them
00:39:49spray for bees.
00:39:55And I went,
00:39:56okay,
00:39:57no one fuck
00:39:58with Molly.
00:40:00She had that bush
00:40:01whacked,
00:40:02literally.
00:40:03I couldn't talk
00:40:04casual shit around her.
00:40:05I didn't know
00:40:06what she would do.
00:40:07I couldn't come in
00:40:09on a Tuesday
00:40:09like Dave's
00:40:10kind of bugging me
00:40:11today because
00:40:11I'd come in Wednesday
00:40:12like, hey,
00:40:14where's Dave?
00:40:16He's with the bees,
00:40:17Taylor.
00:40:28You flinched
00:40:29in his presence
00:40:30so I took care of it.
00:40:33It's my first time
00:40:34I'd ever had
00:40:34a corporate job
00:40:35so I got HR training.
00:40:36I've never had that
00:40:37before.
00:40:37There's no HR
00:40:38in stand-up comedy.
00:40:39It's the opposite,
00:40:40in fact.
00:40:40They're like,
00:40:41are you harassing people?
00:40:42Great job.
00:40:42Start a podcast.
00:40:45It was fun,
00:40:46that HR training.
00:40:47I learned a lot.
00:40:47Did you know
00:40:48we're allowed
00:40:48to fuck people at work?
00:40:50Did you know that?
00:40:51Well, people from work,
00:40:52you gotta take them
00:40:52somewhere else.
00:40:53But I thought
00:40:55everyone at work
00:40:56was off limits
00:40:57romantically.
00:40:57Now, according to
00:40:58Jill from HR,
00:40:59she's like,
00:41:00no, you can date.
00:41:01You just have to tell us
00:41:02if you are.
00:41:02And I go,
00:41:03oh, because then
00:41:03you'll tell our
00:41:03higher-up bosses.
00:41:05And then she goes,
00:41:06no, you just have to tell us.
00:41:07And I was like,
00:41:08who are these
00:41:08sick little freaks
00:41:09in HR?
00:41:11Who are like,
00:41:11no, you can fuck each other.
00:41:13You just have to tell us
00:41:14everything.
00:41:16Was it good?
00:41:17Do you have photos
00:41:17for the PowerPoint?
00:41:19That PowerPoint was fun.
00:41:21The one where they go
00:41:21through all the different
00:41:22scenarios,
00:41:22ask you,
00:41:22is this appropriate
00:41:23or inappropriate?
00:41:24Spoiler alert,
00:41:25they're all inappropriate.
00:41:26I didn't know that.
00:41:27I thought they were
00:41:27supposed to inspire
00:41:29conversation and debate.
00:41:30No, they're all
00:41:30pretty clear thumbs down
00:41:32if you know
00:41:32what you're doing.
00:41:32I had my own
00:41:34private HR training,
00:41:35probably because they knew
00:41:35I was the weakest link
00:41:36on set.
00:41:37So they did it
00:41:38during my hair and makeup.
00:41:39So it was me,
00:41:40Deb and Havana
00:41:40who did my hair and makeup
00:41:41for the show.
00:41:42Jill is going through
00:41:42all the different scenarios,
00:41:43right?
00:41:44She goes,
00:41:44all right,
00:41:44scenario number one,
00:41:46Kyle tells Sharon
00:41:47on her birthday,
00:41:48doesn't matter
00:41:48how old you get,
00:41:49I would still be down.
00:41:51And he wings at her.
00:41:52Is that appropriate?
00:41:54And we were like,
00:41:55do you have
00:41:56a picture of Kyle?
00:42:04Is it the next slide?
00:42:06How tall is Kyle?
00:42:06What's he smell like?
00:42:07What's he working with?
00:42:08How old's Sharon?
00:42:09Is she ovulating?
00:42:10We don't have enough
00:42:10information to answer
00:42:13the prompts, Jill.
00:42:16My favorite thing
00:42:17about being on
00:42:18a network TV show
00:42:19is that they would
00:42:19bleep all the bad words
00:42:20and cut some
00:42:21of the more raunchy stuff,
00:42:22which means that
00:42:24my religious grandparents
00:42:25could watch the show
00:42:25and it wouldn't hurt
00:42:26their ears as much
00:42:27as my stand-up does.
00:42:29Not to say that
00:42:30my grandparents
00:42:30aren't supportive.
00:42:31They really are.
00:42:33I think that
00:42:34they're doing
00:42:35a really good job
00:42:36trying to understand
00:42:37where their liberal,
00:42:38agnostic grandkids
00:42:38are coming from.
00:42:39I can't stand it
00:42:40when people are too hard
00:42:41on their grandparents.
00:42:42If your grandparents
00:42:43are trying to understand you,
00:42:45you gotta give them
00:42:46some grace if they mess up
00:42:47here and there
00:42:48terms-wise.
00:42:48When people are like,
00:42:49oh, well, my grandma
00:42:50cannot remember my pronouns.
00:42:51I'm like,
00:42:52does your grandma
00:42:52remember her address?
00:42:55Grandma's got bigger fish
00:42:56to fry.
00:42:57The light is coming.
00:42:58Also, do you know
00:42:59how old your grandma is?
00:43:00I don't.
00:43:01Mine's been 62
00:43:01for 40 years.
00:43:04Also, you're taking
00:43:05more pictures
00:43:06of your grandparents
00:43:07than you ever have before
00:43:08and they've gotta know why
00:43:09and that can't feel good.
00:43:20My grandparents were the best
00:43:21example I have in my life
00:43:23of Christianity done right.
00:43:24They're very loving,
00:43:26forgiving,
00:43:27non-judgmental people
00:43:28but my siblings and I
00:43:29are all agnostic
00:43:29because we didn't grow up
00:43:30with that type of Christianity.
00:43:31We grew up in our
00:43:32scary Christian house
00:43:33and when you grow up
00:43:34with something that hurts you
00:43:35as a kid,
00:43:35you don't really want it
00:43:36in your Barbie dream house
00:43:38as a grown-up, right?
00:43:39I also don't wear belts
00:43:40or use wooden spoons.
00:43:42That's not a coincidence.
00:43:43Oh, thank God.
00:43:44We were all lightly abused.
00:43:47Again, did that joke
00:43:48in Sweden,
00:43:49thought they were
00:43:49gonna call somebody.
00:43:51It was...
00:43:52There's nothing worse
00:43:54than admitting
00:43:54to a room full of people
00:43:55that you got hit
00:43:56when they got tucked in
00:43:57at night.
00:43:57It is humiliating.
00:44:01No, I don't keep anything
00:44:02in my house
00:44:02that hurt me as a kid.
00:44:03No Bibles, no belts,
00:44:04no bridge to Terabithia.
00:44:14I'm hoping the author
00:44:15sees this
00:44:16and writes me
00:44:16a personalized apology.
00:44:21I do think that
00:44:22when you grow up
00:44:24in a scary religious environment,
00:44:26you spend a lot
00:44:27of your young adulthood
00:44:29untangling who you are
00:44:30from who they wanted you to be.
00:44:32Like, I just came out as queer
00:44:34in the last couple of years.
00:44:35Oh, thank you.
00:44:39That's...
00:44:40That's really nice of you.
00:44:42Because let me tell you,
00:44:43coming out as bisexual
00:44:44at 30 feels like
00:44:45saying to a waiter,
00:44:46by the way,
00:44:46it's my birthday.
00:44:50They're like,
00:44:50cool, sing to yourself.
00:44:51You're a grown woman, so...
00:44:53You're like, excuse me,
00:44:54I was very brave,
00:44:55I just came out.
00:44:56They're like, yeah,
00:44:57but the coast was clear,
00:44:58wasn't it, babe?
00:44:59Like...
00:45:00I would have come out sooner,
00:45:01but I have three younger siblings
00:45:02and they're all queer
00:45:03and they kept coming out.
00:45:04They just kept popping out
00:45:06like little groundhogs
00:45:07and every time
00:45:08another one popped out,
00:45:09I was like,
00:45:09well, that's six more months
00:45:10of heterosexuality for me,
00:45:12I guess.
00:45:14I was also hesitant
00:45:15to come out as bisexual
00:45:16because there's a stigma
00:45:17around it, right?
00:45:18When you say you're bisexual,
00:45:20a lot of people assume
00:45:20that you are good at sex
00:45:23and I'm not, guys,
00:45:24and I refuse to get better.
00:45:26All right?
00:45:27I'm not learning
00:45:28any more tricks, okay?
00:45:30I turned 30,
00:45:30I was like,
00:45:31shut it down.
00:45:32As Jesus said,
00:45:34it is finished.
00:45:36I'm hitting save progress,
00:45:38I'm gonna die on this level.
00:45:41But I didn't want to tarnish
00:45:42the brand of bisexuality.
00:45:44I didn't want to bring down the team.
00:45:46I have so many queer friends
00:45:47who are so open and free
00:45:50with their sexualities.
00:45:51It's like, oh, it's so fun.
00:45:52I have so many, like,
00:45:53Samanthas in my friend group
00:45:55and they're so fun and inspiring.
00:45:57But I also think
00:45:58we need some gay prude representation
00:46:00as well.
00:46:01I think we need more gay prudes
00:46:03to stand up and go,
00:46:04I too am bisexual.
00:46:05I'm attracted to all of you
00:46:07and I trust no one.
00:46:17I would, but I will not.
00:46:20It's also scary to say you're bisexual
00:46:22for the same reason
00:46:22it's scary to say you're suicidal.
00:46:24There's always gonna be people
00:46:25who are like,
00:46:26if you don't go all the way,
00:46:27you just want attention.
00:46:35You know who likes that joke?
00:46:36Queer people.
00:46:37Queer people get that joke?
00:46:38Straight people are like,
00:46:39oh my God,
00:46:40there was so many sad words.
00:46:43Which is fair.
00:46:44You're right.
00:46:46No offense, straight guys.
00:46:47I have to say,
00:46:48I am so glad that straight men
00:46:50are not my only option anymore.
00:46:51That was bleak.
00:46:52That was tough.
00:46:53And it's not because
00:46:54you're bad people.
00:46:55You're just so hard
00:46:56to communicate with.
00:46:57I mean, and I tried.
00:46:59I've been to couples therapy
00:47:00with a lot of dudes.
00:47:01Never been married.
00:47:02That's embarrassing.
00:47:04You know how embarrassing it is
00:47:06to break up with someone
00:47:06you've been to couples therapy with?
00:47:08You just have to live
00:47:09the rest of your life
00:47:10with all this useless information
00:47:11about some dude's childhood.
00:47:13You're like, cool,
00:47:14guess I'll just go
00:47:15the rest of my days
00:47:16knowing what triggers Michael.
00:47:18That sucks.
00:47:21I also couldn't get
00:47:22on the same page
00:47:23with a lot of my boyfriends
00:47:24about our future.
00:47:26Like, I used to only want to adopt
00:47:28if I was going to have kids.
00:47:29And every straight guy
00:47:30I ever dated was like,
00:47:31no, it's going to look like me
00:47:32or I'll eat it.
00:47:33Every guy.
00:47:35Which, hey,
00:47:35I've never been a father.
00:47:36Maybe that's true.
00:47:37Right?
00:47:38I had one boyfriend
00:47:39who said he would use a surrogate.
00:47:41He was open to that idea.
00:47:42Which I do love
00:47:43the idea of a surrogate.
00:47:44What a power move
00:47:45to be like,
00:47:45can you just hold this
00:47:46for nine months?
00:47:47I'm so busy.
00:47:49I'm getting a call.
00:47:49Don't eat fish.
00:47:51You breeze back in
00:47:53nine months later.
00:47:54Their guts are everywhere.
00:47:55You have a blowout.
00:47:56You're like,
00:47:56thank you so much.
00:47:59Hey, hey,
00:48:00you're glowing,
00:48:01you're brave.
00:48:01Money's on the night.
00:48:02Stand five stars.
00:48:03Bye.
00:48:12You're like,
00:48:12that was a lot.
00:48:13I'm going to do
00:48:14no contact delivery
00:48:15next time.
00:48:17Yeah, no,
00:48:17you're at the right place.
00:48:18Just leave it on the porch,
00:48:19take a picture,
00:48:19I'll come get it
00:48:20when you're gone.
00:48:22No, you're at the right house.
00:48:23I just,
00:48:23look, if I was an extrovert,
00:48:24I would have had it myself.
00:48:26So.
00:48:28I'm not sure
00:48:28if I want kids now.
00:48:30I go back and forth
00:48:31on whether or not
00:48:32I want kids so often
00:48:33that sometimes
00:48:34I just want to get
00:48:34my tubes tied
00:48:35because that feels
00:48:36like the reproductive
00:48:37equivalent of
00:48:38pouring water
00:48:39on brownies
00:48:39in the trash.
00:48:41Okay.
00:48:48You know,
00:48:49and you're like,
00:48:49I'm going to want
00:48:50these later.
00:48:53But I'm thinking
00:48:54straight now.
00:48:57So I'm going to
00:48:57remove the option.
00:48:59If you're not laughing,
00:49:00congrats on having
00:49:01a healthy relationship
00:49:02with food your whole life.
00:49:06Do we have any moms
00:49:07in here
00:49:08that wouldn't mind?
00:49:09Oh, good.
00:49:09You're like,
00:49:10yes, I am.
00:49:11I love that.
00:49:11That wouldn't mind
00:49:12me asking them
00:49:12personal questions
00:49:13about childbirth.
00:49:14Love it.
00:49:14Your hand's still up.
00:49:15Love that.
00:49:16Moms are so cool.
00:49:17They're always like,
00:49:18yeah, sure.
00:49:18I'm an open book.
00:49:19Literally.
00:49:20They cracked my spine
00:49:20on the way out.
00:49:21So I would love to share.
00:49:24Okay.
00:49:25How many kids do you have?
00:49:26Two.
00:49:27Nice.
00:49:27How old are they?
00:49:2916 and 18.
00:49:30Oh, thank God.
00:49:30They're like full people.
00:49:31When people have babies,
00:49:33I just, I freeze up.
00:49:34I'm like,
00:49:34oh, is it water?
00:49:38Has it opened its eyes?
00:49:40Or has it dried out?
00:49:42They come out pretty slick,
00:49:43right?
00:49:43Yeah.
00:49:44Got a grip on it.
00:49:46Okay.
00:49:46Okay.
00:49:47You got teenagers.
00:49:48Did you have your kids
00:49:49out the main terminal?
00:49:51Yeah.
00:49:52I thought that was
00:49:52a classy way of putting it.
00:49:54Okay.
00:49:54So I've talked to a lot
00:49:56of women on this tour
00:49:57who have told me
00:49:58because I'm very scared
00:49:59of childbirth,
00:49:59which makes sense.
00:50:00I grew up in church
00:50:01where not even abstinence
00:50:04could protect you fully,
00:50:05right?
00:50:08They told you
00:50:08the story of Mary.
00:50:09They're like,
00:50:10yeah, no,
00:50:10keep your knees closed.
00:50:11Hope God doesn't pick you.
00:50:13Like it's,
00:50:16it adds a whole other layer
00:50:18of fear to childbirth.
00:50:19Childbirth is already terrifying.
00:50:21What if it's breach?
00:50:22What if it's sick?
00:50:23What if it's God?
00:50:26So I'm very scared
00:50:27of childbirth
00:50:28and I've talked to a lot
00:50:29of moms on this tour
00:50:29who have told me
00:50:30that when you're pushing,
00:50:32a lot of times
00:50:33your body's like,
00:50:34we know what you're looking for.
00:50:37Coming right up.
00:50:38Ding, ding, ding.
00:50:39And at some point
00:50:41during the process,
00:50:42in addition to a baby,
00:50:43you may also push out.
00:50:44Did you, did you poop?
00:50:45Yeah.
00:50:46Thank you for being honest.
00:50:47Thank you so much.
00:50:48Here's what I've learned
00:50:49asking that question
00:50:50for the last couple years.
00:50:51There's only two correct answers
00:50:52to did you poop
00:50:53during childbirth.
00:50:54Yes, I did.
00:50:55And I do not recall.
00:50:59Yes, I did.
00:51:00Or none of my business.
00:51:02Because some moms
00:51:03talk about childbirth
00:51:03like it's a music festival
00:51:05they went to once.
00:51:06They're like,
00:51:06uh, I was on a lot of drugs.
00:51:09I think your dad was there.
00:51:11I don't know.
00:51:12All I remember is
00:51:12I kept yelling,
00:51:13play my song, bitch.
00:51:16And they made me leave
00:51:17before I was ready.
00:51:22The first time
00:51:23I ever asked someone,
00:51:24I was at a comedy club
00:51:25in Dallas, Texas.
00:51:26There was a woman
00:51:26in the front row.
00:51:27She goes,
00:51:27three kids never pooped.
00:51:29And there was a table
00:51:30of nurses nearby
00:51:31who were wasted, you guys.
00:51:34Who started scream laughing at her.
00:51:38Everybody poops.
00:51:39Every single person.
00:51:41And if you think you didn't,
00:51:43then we fucking lied to you.
00:51:52And I had to watch
00:51:53this whole woman's world
00:51:55change.
00:51:56It was like the Truman Show.
00:51:58I felt so bad.
00:51:59I was trying to save
00:51:59the vibe in there.
00:52:00I was like, hey, babe,
00:52:01don't feel bad.
00:52:01Even if I, you know,
00:52:03airlift mine out,
00:52:04I'm going to poop on that table
00:52:05just to show them
00:52:05who's boss.
00:52:06Right?
00:52:12To be clear,
00:52:13when I say that I came out
00:52:14in the last couple of years,
00:52:15I just mean publicly.
00:52:16Right?
00:52:17Like, I came out to friends
00:52:18earlier than that,
00:52:19but I don't think
00:52:19I did it right.
00:52:20I think I was too casual
00:52:21about it.
00:52:22I think I was supposed
00:52:22to do like an episode
00:52:23of Glee.
00:52:25And I just sort of
00:52:26mentioned it like,
00:52:27oh, by the way,
00:52:28I think I'm going to date
00:52:28women now too.
00:52:29And they were like,
00:52:31okay.
00:52:31Like I said,
00:52:31I was vegan or something.
00:52:33Like, okay,
00:52:34we'll see how long
00:52:34that lasts.
00:52:35You need iron, bitch.
00:52:36Like they were not,
00:52:38they really accepted it
00:52:39once I had my first girlfriend.
00:52:41I started dating this girl
00:52:42who was so hot.
00:52:43I was like,
00:52:44oh my God,
00:52:45am I Pete Davidson?
00:52:54How tall am I?
00:52:55And when I started dating women,
00:52:57it was the closest I'd come
00:52:58to feeling religious
00:52:59in a long time
00:53:00because my friends
00:53:01would complain
00:53:01about their boyfriends
00:53:02and husbands.
00:53:03And I was like,
00:53:04have you heard
00:53:05the good news?
00:53:08You don't have
00:53:09to live like this.
00:53:11There's a better way.
00:53:15Then once I had
00:53:16a girlfriend,
00:53:17then my friends
00:53:17started coming to me
00:53:18with a lot of their questions.
00:53:19They started coming to me
00:53:20with their millennial regrets.
00:53:22Do we have any Gen Z
00:53:23in here tonight?
00:53:24Oh my God.
00:53:26Shut up.
00:53:26Really?
00:53:27Okay.
00:53:27Everyone be cool
00:53:28in front of my new friends.
00:53:28All right.
00:53:30Now Gen Z,
00:53:31you won't really get this
00:53:32because you guys
00:53:32are very good
00:53:33at exploring
00:53:33your identities
00:53:34and sexualities.
00:53:35You want to know
00:53:35who you are
00:53:36and what you're capable of.
00:53:37And what you have to understand
00:53:38about us millennials
00:53:38is we wake up every day
00:53:40and look in the mirror
00:53:41like,
00:53:42shh.
00:53:46Don't feel joy outside.
00:53:49You'll upset my mom,
00:53:51papa.
00:53:53Just wait.
00:53:54Be free in death.
00:53:56Wait.
00:53:56Those are our mourning affirmations.
00:53:59So we're dealing with a lot.
00:54:01We're repressing a lot.
00:54:02So I had a lot of female friends
00:54:03in their 30s and 40s
00:54:04who were like,
00:54:06I wish I had dated women,
00:54:07but they ended up with a man
00:54:08and they were happy,
00:54:09but they were like,
00:54:09I wish I had done that.
00:54:10And so they were asking me
00:54:11a lot of personal questions
00:54:13like,
00:54:13is it better having sex with women?
00:54:15And I was like,
00:54:16do you really want me to tell you?
00:54:17Because you said
00:54:17you were pretty locked in
00:54:18with that guy.
00:54:21And they were like,
00:54:22no,
00:54:22is it really different?
00:54:24And I was like,
00:54:25yeah.
00:54:26And they were like,
00:54:27well,
00:54:27how?
00:54:30So here's what I said.
00:54:32I think the biggest difference
00:54:34between having sex
00:54:35with men and women
00:54:37is when you're having sex
00:54:38with a woman,
00:54:40you're there the whole time.
00:54:45You know?
00:54:48Because you know how
00:54:49with a man,
00:54:49you can kind of just like,
00:54:55not in a traumatic way,
00:54:57just in like a,
00:54:58oh,
00:54:58I'm in the back seat
00:54:59on a road trip,
00:55:00forgot my headphones,
00:55:00let's look at clouds.
00:55:12Huh?
00:55:13I did.
00:55:13I did.
00:55:14Yeah,
00:55:14absolutely.
00:55:16Yes.
00:55:17Oh my God.
00:55:17Yes.
00:55:18A big one.
00:55:19A huge,
00:55:19big,
00:55:20quiet,
00:55:21but big.
00:55:22It's just,
00:55:23silent,
00:55:23but deadly.
00:55:24I love those.
00:55:25Thank you so much.
00:55:28I've never faked an orgasm
00:55:29because I think
00:55:30our generation
00:55:30got enough participation trophies,
00:55:32but I don't judge you
00:55:34if you have to.
00:55:35We've all been there,
00:55:36right?
00:55:36When it's going too long.
00:55:37If you want to fake an orgasm,
00:55:39here's a little tip
00:55:40for me to you.
00:55:41Just hold your breath
00:55:44for as long as you can.
00:55:47Because then,
00:55:48when you're like,
00:55:49ah,
00:55:50ah,
00:55:51ah,
00:55:52ah,
00:55:53ah.
00:55:57Okay.
00:56:01It'll seem like you came
00:56:03when really you just came
00:56:05up for air.
00:56:07That's how you get rid of hiccups
00:56:09and Jeremy.
00:56:14I do like having sex
00:56:15with men sometimes.
00:56:16I will say,
00:56:17does anyone like sucking dick
00:56:18for real?
00:56:20Does anyone really?
00:56:20Yeah,
00:56:21oh wow,
00:56:21good for you.
00:56:22Just a quiet hand raise.
00:56:24That's beautiful.
00:56:29So nice.
00:56:30Wow,
00:56:30heroes among us.
00:56:31Good for you.
00:56:33I like sucking dick
00:56:34the way I like going for a run.
00:56:36I'm proud of myself
00:56:37after.
00:56:42But during,
00:56:42I'm always like,
00:56:43why'd I do this?
00:56:44I didn't have to do this.
00:56:46There's other ways
00:56:47to get where I'm going.
00:56:50But then afterwards,
00:56:51I'm always like,
00:56:51wow,
00:56:52the power of the human spirit.
00:56:55Really is all mind
00:56:57over matter out there.
00:56:58But then during,
00:56:59I'm like,
00:57:00people should be throwing
00:57:00little cups of water on me
00:57:01for being so brave.
00:57:03But then afterwards,
00:57:04I'm like,
00:57:05nice,
00:57:05got my time down.
00:57:14We're trying to get faster,
00:57:16not better.
00:57:19I remember I was so scared
00:57:20to start going down on women.
00:57:22And then I went down on a girl
00:57:23for the first time
00:57:24and I was like,
00:57:24oh my God,
00:57:25that was so much better.
00:57:27I was so mad
00:57:28at my whole life.
00:57:30I was like,
00:57:30you're telling me
00:57:31this whole time
00:57:32I could have been
00:57:32licking ice creams
00:57:34and instead I've been
00:57:37swallowing swords?
00:57:41Could have been living
00:57:42like a child
00:57:43on the boardwalk
00:57:44instead of been living
00:57:44like a carny
00:57:45with something to prove.
00:57:49not that I'm like,
00:57:50killing it at queer dating.
00:57:51I am not.
00:57:52I'm running into obstacles
00:57:53I never thought I'd face.
00:57:54I got dumped
00:57:55by a polyamorous person.
00:57:56You ever been dumped
00:57:57by a polyamorous person?
00:57:58It sucks.
00:57:59It's like getting fired
00:58:00from a part-time job.
00:58:03They're like,
00:58:04you can't even work here
00:58:05Mondays and Tuesdays.
00:58:06Holy shit.
00:58:07I didn't think
00:58:08I was going to like
00:58:08dating somebody poly.
00:58:10She was poly.
00:58:11I was busy.
00:58:11But it actually ended up
00:58:14being the most honest,
00:58:15transparent,
00:58:15communicative relationship
00:58:16I'd ever been in
00:58:17and I was totally
00:58:18in love with her
00:58:18and she dumped me
00:58:19because I work too much
00:58:20and let me tell you
00:58:21something, Grand Rapids.
00:58:22When I started dating
00:58:23a polyamorous person,
00:58:24I did not think
00:58:25it was going to end
00:58:26because my lifestyle
00:58:28didn't work for them.
00:58:32I know some of you
00:58:33don't believe me.
00:58:34You're like,
00:58:34there's no way
00:58:34you liked being poly, Taylor.
00:58:36You are not cool.
00:58:37You reek of monogamy.
00:58:38I bet you masturbate
00:58:39to Bridgerton
00:58:39and you know what?
00:58:40I don't.
00:58:41I have,
00:58:42but I don't.
00:58:48That joke's not going
00:58:49in the special.
00:58:50There's no way.
00:58:51No, no, no.
00:58:52That's way too vulnerable
00:58:53to put on Netflix.
00:58:55We'll not be doing that.
00:58:56Unless it helps the algorithm.
00:58:58We'll have to talk about it.
00:59:00If Netflix was like,
00:59:01if you liked Bridgerton,
00:59:06I would have to do that.
00:59:14I really appreciate you guys
00:59:15coming to this new
00:59:16hour of material
00:59:17because I know
00:59:17it's a lot of God stuff
00:59:18and a lot of gay stuff
00:59:19and my agents are nervous.
00:59:23I think my whole team
00:59:24was a little nervous
00:59:25when I said I was going to do
00:59:26a tour called Save Me
00:59:27and talk about religion.
00:59:28I got a call
00:59:28from my publicist one day
00:59:30like, hey,
00:59:30I heard you're going to
00:59:31call the special
00:59:32prodigal daughter
00:59:33and you want to call
00:59:33the tour Save Me?
00:59:34I think that's great.
00:59:35Just making sure
00:59:35you're not taking
00:59:36any promo photos
00:59:37like hanging upside down
00:59:38from a cross, right?
00:59:42Anyway,
00:59:43so we got rid
00:59:43of those photos.
00:59:44But no,
00:59:46I did not do that.
00:59:47I did not do that.
00:59:48That was never the intention.
00:59:49I understand
00:59:50why they thought
00:59:51it was going to be
00:59:52an hour just bashing
00:59:54Christianity
00:59:54because if you watch
00:59:55all of my other specials,
00:59:56I usually take a few minutes
00:59:57to take a few shots
00:59:59at Christianity
01:00:00and that's because
01:00:01I was working through
01:00:02a lot of stuff
01:00:02from my childhood
01:00:03and also,
01:00:05I was really jealous
01:00:05that Christianity
01:00:07had worked for other people
01:00:08and not me.
01:00:09As a mentally ill person,
01:00:11it is devastating
01:00:12when someone just goes,
01:00:13yeah, I used to be sad too
01:00:14and then I accepted Jesus
01:00:16into my heart
01:00:16and now I'm all better
01:00:17and you're like,
01:00:19oh, is that all you did?
01:00:21That's all you did?
01:00:24Just said a little poem
01:00:25in the dark
01:00:25and now you're worthy of love?
01:00:27That's great.
01:00:27I love that for you.
01:00:40It's like when someone goes,
01:00:41yeah, I just stopped drinking soda,
01:00:43lost 20 pounds,
01:00:43all my acne went away
01:00:44and you're like,
01:00:45oh my God, that's so cool.
01:00:46I hope your plane
01:00:46falls out of the sky.
01:00:52The problem that I have
01:00:54with religion
01:00:55is it can be interpreted
01:00:58so many different ways, right?
01:00:59Like you can say
01:01:00to a room full of people,
01:01:01Jesus loves you
01:01:02no matter what.
01:01:03And a lot of those people
01:01:04will hear,
01:01:05Jesus loves me.
01:01:07But some of those people
01:01:08will hear,
01:01:10no matter what.
01:01:13And that's the problem, right?
01:01:14Religion can be used
01:01:16as either a weapon
01:01:17or a tool.
01:01:18And to be clear,
01:01:18if you are using religion
01:01:20as a weapon
01:01:21to control,
01:01:22manipulate,
01:01:23scare people,
01:01:24to make yourself feel superior
01:01:25to everyone else,
01:01:27fuck you.
01:01:27That's not what it's for.
01:01:33You are not
01:01:35using that correctly.
01:01:38You're using a vibrator
01:01:40as a back massager
01:01:41and we're all
01:01:41fucking laughing at you.
01:01:45Because if God does exist,
01:01:46he does not exist
01:01:47to make you feel
01:01:48better than other people.
01:01:50He exists to make you
01:01:51better for other people.
01:01:59And life is so fucking hard.
01:02:02Whatever makes you
01:02:02a better person
01:02:03for other people,
01:02:04that's what you should be doing.
01:02:06We do this weird thing
01:02:07where we, like,
01:02:07forget that everybody's struggling.
01:02:10Everybody's just trying
01:02:10to get through it.
01:02:11And we judge each other's
01:02:12coping mechanisms.
01:02:13Like, oh, you're a quitter
01:02:14if you get on antidepressants.
01:02:15You're stupid
01:02:16if you believe in God.
01:02:17Bitch, I'm on mood stabilizers.
01:02:19You're on Jesus.
01:02:20We're all trying to get
01:02:21to dead with daddy.
01:02:23We're all trying to get there.
01:02:27It's fine.
01:02:31And there are a lot of people
01:02:33who are using religion correctly.
01:02:35People like my aunt and uncle,
01:02:36my grandparents,
01:02:37the people at this church.
01:02:38There are a lot of people
01:02:39who are using religion
01:02:40as a tool for community
01:02:42and connection
01:02:43and compassion
01:02:44and comfort.
01:02:46And when I was writing
01:02:47this hour,
01:02:48I was thinking about
01:02:48those people.
01:02:50And I was thinking
01:02:51about my family
01:02:51and I was trying
01:02:52to think of positive things
01:02:53that came out of me
01:02:54growing up in church.
01:02:56And the most positive thing
01:02:57I can't believe
01:02:58I didn't think of sooner.
01:02:59I started doing stand-up
01:03:00in churches.
01:03:01That's how I started doing this.
01:03:02They called it testimony,
01:03:03but I was getting laughs.
01:03:04And, no.
01:03:08No, I really did.
01:03:09I started doing stand-up
01:03:10when I was 16 years old.
01:03:11And for the first, like,
01:03:12I don't know,
01:03:12like four or five years
01:03:13of my career,
01:03:14I was performing
01:03:15in a lot of churches.
01:03:16If you don't know,
01:03:17in America,
01:03:18you can make a living
01:03:18as a church comedian.
01:03:19You can tour churches
01:03:21even bigger than this,
01:03:22four or five thousand seats,
01:03:24and make a great living that way.
01:03:26And when I was, like, 21,
01:03:27I had to decide,
01:03:28am I going to go
01:03:29the church comedian route
01:03:30or am I going to go
01:03:31the secular comedian route?
01:03:33And I think you know
01:03:34what I picked.
01:03:36But I am so grateful
01:03:37to have that as my foundation
01:03:40for my stand-up career.
01:03:41I mean, I got so much
01:03:42professional stage time
01:03:44in front of thousands of people.
01:03:45I got paid.
01:03:46I learned how to work clean
01:03:47and perform in any room.
01:03:50And I think about that a lot.
01:03:52I'm so grateful for it.
01:03:53And I know a lot of you
01:03:53are probably sitting there
01:03:54right now going,
01:03:55well, that's nice.
01:03:58It's cute that you're grateful,
01:04:00Taylor.
01:04:00And we, you know,
01:04:01we get what you're doing
01:04:02with the church and everything.
01:04:04But, um,
01:04:05we've seen your stuff now.
01:04:08And there's no way
01:04:10you could perform
01:04:11in churches now.
01:04:13And here's the thing.
01:04:14I don't want to.
01:04:16And I probably won't.
01:04:18But I fucking could, though.
01:04:21Okay?
01:04:21Oh, if I get canceled
01:04:24or some shit,
01:04:25I'm a fucking professional
01:04:26and I will be returning
01:04:28to churches, okay?
01:04:29I will turn this ship around
01:04:31so goddamn gosh darn fast.
01:04:34In a fetus's heartbeat,
01:04:36I'll go back to churches.
01:04:37I will rebrand
01:04:38like you've never seen.
01:04:39I'll get real big hair,
01:04:40marry a man,
01:04:41let him lead.
01:04:43Write a book
01:04:44called Submissive Wife,
01:04:45Submissive Life.
01:04:47Adopt a Southern accent
01:04:49out of nowhere.
01:04:51And yeah,
01:04:51I'm going on tour.
01:04:52I have the beginning
01:04:53of the show
01:04:53all planned out in my head.
01:04:54It's gonna start off
01:04:55pitch black auditorium,
01:04:57then on the big screen,
01:04:58I'm only doing megachurches,
01:04:59that's where the money is.
01:05:00On the big screen,
01:05:02a black and white montage,
01:05:03probably starting
01:05:04with the Netflix
01:05:05ba-da noise.
01:05:06They own my ass
01:05:07for like eight more years.
01:05:09A black and white montage
01:05:10of all my raunchiest jokes
01:05:12from my 20s.
01:05:13And that's why getting
01:05:13a guy to wear a condom
01:05:15is like fade out
01:05:17to demon noises.
01:05:18Freeze frame
01:05:19on my young face.
01:05:20Lights slowly come up
01:05:22as I walk out
01:05:23wearing all...
01:05:24You know what?
01:05:26I'm just gonna show you.
01:05:27I'm just gonna show you.
01:05:38This is how you get pussy!
01:05:40I came so hard.
01:05:41I'll have you know in bed,
01:05:42I'm a wild animal, okay?
01:05:45And that's when I stopped
01:05:46believing in God.
01:05:47Go home and Google
01:05:48porn for women, okay?
01:05:50I lost my virginity late.
01:05:51I lost it when I was
01:05:52financially independent.
01:05:54You guys, I'm literally
01:05:55fucking the patriarchy.
01:05:56Wet, let me feel.
01:05:57Yeah, I grew up with God.
01:05:58He's a douchebag.
01:06:00That joke makes it sound
01:06:01like I resent my
01:06:01religious upbringing.
01:06:03And I do,
01:06:04so I nailed it.
01:06:04Fucking hell!
01:06:05No Christian parents
01:06:06want to watch their daughter
01:06:07talk about depression
01:06:07and dick for an hour.
01:06:09Take that, Jesus!
01:06:10I don't know if any of you
01:06:11have tried to get
01:06:11a 20-something dude
01:06:13from a dating app
01:06:14to wear a condom lately,
01:06:15but it's sort of like
01:06:16trying to convince
01:06:17a five-year-old
01:06:18to put a jacket on
01:06:20over his Halloween costume.
01:06:23That's what I'm feeling.
01:06:24And you guys,
01:06:25you got like
01:06:25a striver bastard.
01:06:27Yeah, I ain't even
01:06:27fucking hell.
01:06:28What do you think
01:06:29about sex?
01:06:29Jesus!
01:07:01Anybody recognize her?
01:07:04That was me
01:07:06back when Satan
01:07:07had me in his clutches.
01:07:10And I can see
01:07:11some of you
01:07:11feeling like
01:07:12Joseph on Christmas
01:07:13right now.
01:07:14Like,
01:07:15hmm,
01:07:15is this whore
01:07:16lying to me?
01:07:19But everybody
01:07:20loves the comeback,
01:07:21don't they?
01:07:21It ain't a rebrand,
01:07:22it's a rebirth, folks.
01:07:24Welcome to
01:07:24the Prodigal Daughter Tour!
01:07:46All right,
01:07:47here's some great
01:07:48Queer Awakenings
01:07:49people sent in.
01:07:50We always get,
01:07:51we always get
01:07:52the cast of
01:07:53Pirates of the Caribbean,
01:07:54we always get
01:07:54Shego from
01:07:55Kim Possible,
01:07:56we always get
01:07:57Robin Hood the Fox
01:07:59version.
01:08:01Yeah, you know.
01:08:03And then people
01:08:04always ask what
01:08:04my Queer Awakening
01:08:05was, and my
01:08:07Queer Awakening
01:08:08I figured out
01:08:08because I was
01:08:09watching home movies
01:08:10of me as a little kid,
01:08:11and I found this
01:08:11video of me
01:08:12talking to my mom
01:08:13when I was like
01:08:13three or four.
01:08:14And do you guys
01:08:15remember the girl
01:08:16deer from Bambi,
01:08:17Folleen?
01:08:18Okay, so apparently
01:08:20Folleen was my
01:08:21Queer Awakening,
01:08:21and we do have
01:08:23the footage.
01:08:24Where's the best?
01:08:26Because he
01:08:27is just the best.
01:08:30What about Folleen?
01:08:31Isn't she the best too?
01:08:32Yeah, she's very pretty.
01:08:34She looks
01:08:35like a hot dog
01:08:36in a pan.
01:08:38She looks like a hot dog
01:08:39in a pan?
01:08:41My goodness,
01:08:42what does that mean?
01:08:43I don't know.
01:08:47Thank you so much,
01:08:48Grand Rapids.
01:08:49I cannot thank you
01:08:50enough.
01:08:50One more time
01:08:51for Sophie Buddle,
01:08:52everybody.
Comments