- 2 days ago
1997 Plump Fiction FULL HOT MOVIE [Full Movie] [New Drama]Full EP - Full
Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:10In 1994, an irreverent young filmmaker shocked audiences at the Cannes Film Festival
00:00:16with a violent, out-of-sequence new movie that changed the style of motion picture storytelling forever.
00:00:22That film won the coveted Palme d'Or, resurrected the career of a former sweat hog,
00:00:26made its director a star, and a handful of people made a shitload of money.
00:00:31The success of the movie spawned a new wave of bloody cinema that is currently sweeping the globe.
00:00:36We feel this type of filmmaking is barbaric and irresponsible.
00:00:40We fear these films will trigger more violence in an already brutal society.
00:00:44Now is the time for Hollywood to supply mankind with a more wholesome, non-violent...
00:00:50What? Affirming potion mixture.
00:01:05I love cappuccino. I love the taste of it. I love the smell of it.
00:01:09I even love the sound of it. Cappuccino.
00:01:12If someone held a gun to my head and forced me to choose a celebrity,
00:01:15any celebrity whose life I'd have to assume,
00:01:17I'd choose Al Pacino because my name would sound like cappuccino.
00:01:21I would choose Major Nelson for my dream of Jeannie.
00:01:25Having your own girl in a bottle would be fun.
00:01:28Yeah, I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you, Bumpkin?
00:01:30Your own little pin-up girl wearing nothing but hair and pants and a halter top,
00:01:34popping out of a cookie jar every time you snapped your fingers.
00:01:37It wasn't a cookie jar. It was a fancy bottle with a plug.
00:01:41A stripper in a bottle. Can you believe that?
00:01:44A freaking call girl in a bottle.
00:01:45And this was prime time. 7.30, right before laughing.
00:01:50Yes, Master. Right away, Master.
00:01:53If I was Barbara Eden, I would have crossed my arms
00:01:56and blinked Major Nelson right into a leather sling.
00:01:58Then we'd see who would be Master.
00:02:02Fucking waitress.
00:02:04What's a sling?
00:02:06I can't believe how fucking stupid you are.
00:02:09Stupid is a stupid...
00:02:11You say that stupid line one more time,
00:02:14I'm going to execute you and every other pancake eating motherfucker in this place.
00:02:18Do you hear me?
00:02:18I'm not eating pancakes.
00:02:20I said, do you hear me?
00:02:21Yes, okay, I'll hear you.
00:02:24Stupid movie.
00:02:26Life is just like a box of chocolates.
00:02:29Life is just like a box of shit.
00:02:32Ah, but what do I care?
00:02:34I'm just written about...
00:02:35Brilliant, violent script in the history of cinema.
00:02:39And somebody's actually producing it.
00:02:41Look out, Bumpkin, my star is on the rise.
00:02:44If your star is on the rise, how come they banned you from the set?
00:02:48I'll show them.
00:02:49I'm going to get my hands on my first million bucks
00:02:51and I'll make my own movie and screw all of them.
00:02:54Oh, actress.
00:02:56Could you bring me another double cappuccino?
00:03:02I am not an actress.
00:03:04I am an aspiring filmmaker.
00:03:08Filmmaker?
00:03:08Filmmaker, wow.
00:03:11Why don't we do a nice, slow tracking shot
00:03:14of you bringing me another fucking cappuccino?
00:03:23That wasn't very nice.
00:03:26Well, nice doesn't get you anywhere.
00:03:28Just ask Barbara Eden.
00:03:29Ow.
00:03:34Look what I've been sitting on.
00:03:37Give me that.
00:03:46Jesus Christ.
00:03:48What is it?
00:03:53Hello?
00:03:55Do I have a sign on my back
00:03:57that says, blow smoke up my ass?
00:03:59Crispin, sweetheart.
00:04:01Do I have a sign on my back
00:04:03that says, blow smoke up my ass?
00:04:05Did you put another sign on the director's back?
00:04:09No, no, there's none that I'm aware of.
00:04:12No, I do not have such a sign.
00:04:13You know why I have no such sign?
00:04:14Because I don't like having smoke blown up my fucking ass.
00:04:17Now, I got lights, I got cameras, I got actors, I got a crew, I even have a fucking cappuccino
00:04:24machine.
00:04:24But there's only one thing I don't have, Bunny.
00:04:26You know what that is?
00:04:27A script, Bunny.
00:04:28I don't have a fucking script.
00:04:30It's the first day of shooting, I don't have a fucking script.
00:04:33Now listen, unless you want me to make a movie
00:04:35about a couple of grips sitting around jerking off and eating crullers,
00:04:38you can get that script down to your front, though.
00:04:40That's yesterday, you fucking hear me?
00:04:42And don't you blow smoke up my ass anymore.
00:04:44I got enough smoke up my ass to elect a pope in my fucking pants.
00:04:48Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
00:04:50Bumpkin, take this to the warehouse in LaBray and Washington.
00:04:53Okay.
00:04:54And this time, don't screw up.
00:04:56It's my last copy.
00:04:58Treat that script as if your life depended on it.
00:05:01Because, frankly, it does.
00:05:05Oh, okay.
00:05:08Love you, Bumpkin.
00:05:10I love you, too, Bunny Rabbit.
00:05:14That's Roberts.
00:05:16Bunny Roberts.
00:05:18Fucking retard.
00:05:21And you, Marcel, Marcel,
00:05:22I don't need some fucking coffee shop mime
00:05:24throwing attitude at me like it's fucking rice at a wedding.
00:05:27Now, you get me that cappuccino and I,
00:05:28or I'll blow that fucking bonnet-wearing head of yours right off.
00:05:31And that goes for every last motherfucking one of you!
00:05:36And that goes for every last motherfucking one of you!
00:05:59I didn't like this!
00:06:01I didn't like this!
00:06:02I didn't like this!
00:06:02I didn't like this!
00:06:04I didn't like this!
00:06:06I didn't like it!
00:06:20I didn't like it!
00:06:21I didn't like this!
00:06:22I didn't like it!
00:08:24Check this out.
00:08:25You know, in the cartoons and the commercials, she's got those two shells covering her breasts?
00:08:28Right, right.
00:08:30Nothing.
00:08:31Get out of there.
00:08:32These two enormous surf and turf tits just hanging out in the Disney daylight.
00:08:36Damn!
00:08:37Yeah, apparently in Europe, seeing a woman's tits is like an everyday thing.
00:08:41So she's just sitting up there waving at the kids, families huddled around, taking her picture.
00:08:46Hair up in the bun?
00:08:47You better believe it.
00:08:48Hey, this black motherfucking hairy ass nigga got to get his ass down now.
00:08:51I'm telling you that right now.
00:08:57You hit something.
00:09:00Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.
00:09:01Get that fucking bug off the hood of my car.
00:09:17Uh-oh.
00:09:19No page numbers.
00:09:23Oh, fucking bug, huh?
00:09:25We should have a grenade for this type shit.
00:09:28Maybe we could just spray him with your jerry curl.
00:09:31Say, man, this is Rio hair, okay?
00:09:33Helps a nigga's hair relax.
00:09:34You wouldn't know nothing about that shit.
00:09:35Why don't you relax?
00:09:37How many of them up there, man?
00:09:38I don't know.
00:09:39The place is probably crone.
00:09:41And it only sends two of us?
00:09:42Well, you know Montello.
00:09:44Man, we should have a fucking Uzi.
00:09:48Hey, stop that!
00:09:49Is that the revolutionary new pesticide you've been working on?
00:09:52Hey, man, that's gonna get this brother out of this bullshit and ass exterminating suit
00:09:55into an Armani suit.
00:09:56I might even end up with a Porsche, like most fly niggas.
00:10:00Hey, Julius, it's a fucking donut.
00:10:02This is a lethal puff pastry.
00:10:05Within the walls of this flaky golden crust is a Bavarian cream laced with DDT.
00:10:12Enough to exterminate a whole tenement.
00:10:14Lay one of these suckers on your kitchen counter, you wake up the next morning, it's like fucking
00:10:17cockroach Jonestown.
00:10:19Yeah, and kill an entire family.
00:10:21Huh?
00:10:22You can't leave a fucking poisonous donut laying on the counter.
00:10:24Somebody's gonna eat it.
00:10:26And none of you tell them it's poisonous.
00:10:27That fucking donut.
00:10:30We spray once.
00:10:32Aw, man.
00:10:32And that's it.
00:10:33But then they're gonna come right back.
00:10:35Uh-huh, and then we'll come back.
00:10:36That's how we make a living.
00:10:38No, that's how Montello makes a fucking living.
00:10:40I don't get paid enough for this bullshit.
00:10:43Say, you know what they call an eclair in New Zealand?
00:10:47So, what's her name again?
00:10:48Me, me.
00:10:49They say she's plumber.
00:10:50Yeah, used to be an exotic dancer.
00:10:54Montello likes his women party size.
00:10:55Oh, yeah, not me.
00:10:56I don't like fat chicks.
00:10:57Yeah, right.
00:10:58I don't.
00:10:58Yeah, okay.
00:10:59Serious, man.
00:10:59Yeah, whatever.
00:11:00Fat, me, no can do.
00:11:01Uh-huh, yeah, right.
00:11:02I'm telling you.
00:11:03Well, let me tell you something.
00:11:03200 years ago, you would have been singing a whole different tune, my friend.
00:11:06Oh, that's...
00:11:07All right, yes.
00:11:07A man's prowess was measured by the size of his wife.
00:11:10The bigger, the better.
00:11:12Okay?
00:11:12Fat women were revered.
00:11:14200 years ago, that little mermaid at Euro Disney would have looked more like a free willy.
00:11:24I hear this meme is a real handful.
00:11:26Remember that kung fu dude with the black belt and the noon chucks, Tony Krakatoa?
00:11:30Used to call him Polly Want a Cracker?
00:11:31Little guy?
00:11:32Always smelled like cheese?
00:11:34Mm-hmm, nacho.
00:11:35Right.
00:11:36Well, word around the x-ray room is that those same noon chucks he had, he's wearing on the inside.
00:11:40Sets off every metal detector there is over at LAX, just by driving by the place.
00:11:44All on account of a certain plump ex-stripper.
00:11:47She used to strip?
00:11:49Mm-hmm.
00:11:50Well, uh, what'd he do?
00:11:51Make fun of her?
00:11:53Helped her wax her mustache.
00:11:56She has a mustache?
00:11:57Not anymore.
00:11:58Supposedly the bitch wanted to get rid of some unsightly facial hair, convinced Tony Krakatoa to help her out.
00:12:03Now he's wearing two wooden sticks inside his monkey motherfucking hands.
00:12:07Shit in sawdust.
00:12:10What's her name again?
00:12:12Mimi.
00:12:13Why are you so worried about the bitch's name?
00:12:16Montello asked me to show her a good time while he's down in Tijuana.
00:12:19Show her a good time?
00:12:21No, not like that.
00:12:24Oh.
00:12:25Show her a good time.
00:12:26Ah!
00:12:28Not like that either.
00:12:30Just take her out for some coffee, keep her from getting bored.
00:12:32Woo-hoo!
00:12:34Three's my lucky number, baby.
00:12:37Nikki.
00:12:43Sounds like we caught somebody with her pants down.
00:12:45Who is it?
00:12:47Exterminator.
00:12:48Did you come?
00:12:49Come on, you two honeymooners.
00:12:51Open up.
00:12:51You're standing in the path of the working man.
00:12:58Holy shit.
00:12:59Stay cool, Jimmy.
00:13:08We can hear you.
00:13:09No need to be brand like a mule.
00:13:12You just caught me and Nicky here in the middle of some real important business.
00:13:16Ain't that right, baby?
00:13:18That's right, Daisy.
00:13:19Real important business.
00:13:20So I guess you'll just have to come back some other time.
00:13:24All righty, let's go.
00:13:25Wait a second, Kato.
00:13:27So you, uh, you're asking us to reschedule?
00:13:30She ain't asking you nothing, spray boy.
00:13:34I'm telling you.
00:13:39Now pick up your fucking bug cans and get out!
00:13:45Come here.
00:13:47Rob.
00:13:48Mommy.
00:13:49Mommy.
00:14:00Holy shit.
00:14:01Holy shit.
00:14:02No.
00:14:03Holy shit is when some pissed off waitress spills coffee on your lap because you're acting
00:14:06like a son of a bitch, okay?
00:14:07Watching two inbred gun-toting psychos try to fill you with lead because you're trying
00:14:12to rectify an ant problem?
00:14:13That's not holy shit, my friend.
00:14:15That's not even holy fucking shit.
00:14:17You know what that is?
00:14:18That is a miracle.
00:14:21A miracle?
00:14:22That's right.
00:14:23I said a miracle.
00:14:24We could have been killed up there, motherfucker.
00:14:26But you know what, Jimmy?
00:14:31I've had it.
00:14:32That's right.
00:14:32I've had it.
00:14:33No more bug hunting door-to-door candy-gram bullshit for me.
00:14:37And you can tell Montello that shit, too.
00:14:39From now on, he can exterminate his own fucking roaches.
00:14:42Come on, Julius.
00:14:44Exterminating's all you know.
00:14:45What are you going to do?
00:14:45Walk the earth?
00:14:46Hey, man.
00:14:47I said fuck that shit.
00:14:49I'm going to find my own way.
00:14:50Maybe I'll start my own exterminating business or something.
00:14:53And I'm going to exterminate anybody who can get in my fucking way.
00:14:58Your dim-witted ass out the goddamn way.
00:15:17I had that nightmare again, Valerie.
00:15:20Me, too, Nicky.
00:15:22The one where Bonnie Franklin had her own TV show again?
00:15:26Oh, no.
00:15:28The other one.
00:15:29Where we're forced to watch that unwatchable movie about our truly fantastic lives.
00:15:34Natural blonde killers.
00:15:36Damn that Gulliver Stone for making that convoluted film.
00:15:40Do I look like a blonde to you, baby?
00:15:42No, you don't, sweetness.
00:15:43You're just a guy in a bad bald cap, and my hair's a black and stringy white trash mess.
00:15:49We were well on our way to becoming the most infamous homicidical maniacs this country's ever seen.
00:15:55And now look at us wallowing in obscurity as a couple of ridiculous tag team wrestlers.
00:16:00Well, we're going to change all that tonight, sweetness.
00:16:04The Lincoln Valley of Old are about to weave their most intoxicating spell over all of America.
00:16:11Once we double-cross Montello and, um, win this match, we'll have enough, um, money to stage the most violent
00:16:19and memorable comeback in serial-killing history.
00:16:23And then we get Gulliver Stone!
00:16:27Oh, no, you don't.
00:16:30None of that took too much acid.
00:16:32We shot JFK, let's do mushrooms with Jim Morrison, shit with us.
00:16:35Not this time, come on!
00:16:38You want to make a film about us?
00:16:40Then you gotta do like we do.
00:16:43Just point.
00:16:46And shoot.
00:16:48You got that?
00:16:54Well, all right.
00:16:57Oh, I love you, Nicky.
00:17:00I love you, Valerie.
00:17:09Hey, yo!
00:17:10Bring it up, bring it up.
00:17:12Well, well, well.
00:17:14Tweedle-dumb and Tweedle-dumber.
00:17:17You two finish slobbering all over each other?
00:17:19Now listen up.
00:17:21It's showtime.
00:17:23No more funny stuff.
00:17:24You go down inside of ten minutes, or I'll have the two of you roasting over an open fire like
00:17:29two fucking chestnuts faster than you can say Nat King Cole.
00:17:32Da gabish?
00:17:34You asked?
00:17:35You get it?
00:17:37Then say it.
00:17:39Hmm?
00:17:40Huh?
00:17:40Repeat what I just said!
00:17:42Oh.
00:17:43Uh, you gotta stay on Nat King Cole's nuts until we're in the third round.
00:17:48And then...
00:17:48All right, all right, forget it!
00:17:50Just go down in the first ten minutes.
00:17:57That was quite a charm on Montella's bracelet.
00:18:01Are you thinking what I'm thinking, sweetness?
00:18:05How about Pamela Anderson on that surfboard?
00:18:07No, Nicky!
00:18:10I'm thinking that we'd snatch that briefcase on our way out of here, and then we could add a little
00:18:17insult to, um, injury.
00:18:21I love the way you think, baby.
00:18:24Let's do it.
00:18:28Dad, you think I'm sexy?
00:18:31Huh?
00:18:37You had ants, Candy.
00:18:39You had fleas in every fucking room in your house.
00:18:42Remember, you called me up, crying, saying, Montello, please, please take the vermin away.
00:18:48And my boys came, and you couldn't pay your extermination bill.
00:18:53So, I opened up my heart, allowing you to come into this dank and moldy room every night
00:19:00and take off all your clothes in front of drunken, lowlife, pathetic, scumbag strangers,
00:19:06so you could afford to pay me back.
00:19:09But that was four years ago.
00:19:12Montello, I have paid you back for that friggin' extermination.
00:19:16Did the ants ever come back, Candy?
00:19:24No.
00:19:25No, because I did my job, and you don't leave here until you finish yours.
00:19:41Bonjour, Rhonda.
00:19:44Jimmy.
00:19:45They let you back in the country?
00:19:47Good move.
00:19:48Say, Rhonda,
00:19:50you want to hear what they call a bartender in Albania?
00:19:52No.
00:19:53Are you sure?
00:19:54It's kind of wacky.
00:19:55Keep it in your pants, Sundance.
00:20:00So, is the, uh, big guy around?
00:20:02He's over there, talking to one of the strippers.
00:20:06Now, all this money might seem unfair,
00:20:09but if it's any consolation to you,
00:20:11I just took it up the butt myself.
00:20:13A couple of whacked-out wrestlers double-crossed me
00:20:16and made off with a very valuable briefcase.
00:20:19So, we feel good about this?
00:20:24Say it.
00:20:24We feel good about this.
00:20:27Like you mean it.
00:20:29We feel good about this.
00:20:33Good.
00:20:35Now, say it like you're underwater.
00:20:38What?
00:20:39Say it.
00:20:42We feel good about this.
00:20:46Hey, Jimmy.
00:20:48I hear you're taking Mimi out to break some bread.
00:20:51Yeah, well, uh,
00:20:52Montella wants me to spend the afternoon with her.
00:20:54Whatever you do,
00:20:55don't let her eat Mexican.
00:20:58Mexican?
00:20:59Yeah, you know, tacos,
00:21:00frajitas, anchiladas.
00:21:02Why not?
00:21:04Because that's when all the trouble starts.
00:21:06Trouble?
00:21:07Yeah.
00:21:08You didn't hear about Tony Quacatone?
00:21:11Well, I heard some things.
00:21:12All I know is Mimi sends Tony out for some chimichangas, right?
00:21:16The next thing you know,
00:21:18he's packed tighter than a Japanese subway at rush hour.
00:21:22Hey, Jimmy.
00:21:24You want to know what they call a burrito over at Montello's house?
00:21:29What?
00:21:30Hey, don't, stupid.
00:21:31Haven't you been listening?
00:21:33No.
00:21:34Mexican.
00:21:36Putz.
00:21:39You strippers will do anything for a buck.
00:21:42Come on, now, get out of here before I wet my pants.
00:21:45Come on, squeeze in, yeah.
00:21:48Nice, Timson.
00:21:49Hey, hey, there he is, Jimmy Nova.
00:21:52Mr. Euro trash himself.
00:21:54Hey, you kill any bugs for me this morning?
00:21:58I'm back on the job.
00:21:59Atta boy.
00:22:00I can see traveling around the world,
00:22:02you haven't lost your touch.
00:22:03Want to hear what they call a cockroach in Botswana?
00:22:07Now, why the fuck would anybody want to know that?
00:22:10Now, look, this afternoon,
00:22:12I'm sending you out on your most important job yet.
00:22:14Now, you know my Mimi means the world to me.
00:22:17And if anything should happen to my sweet, plump, adorable little Mimi,
00:22:22I couldn't be held accountable for my actions.
00:22:25I hear you.
00:22:27Good.
00:22:28So,
00:22:29we feel good about this?
00:22:33Say it.
00:22:35We feel good about this.
00:22:37Good.
00:22:40Now, say it like there was a hot poker up your ass.
00:22:42Oh,
00:22:47I don't know how you know her.
00:22:53But think I love her.
00:22:56I'm slipping into something more comfortable.
00:23:00The door's unlocked.
00:23:01Come on in and make yourself your home.
00:23:05Mimi.
00:23:11I'll put it in and make myself your home.
00:23:28I'll put it in and make myself your home.
00:23:58Hey, turn it down, will ya?
00:24:02There. Is that better, cowboy?
00:24:06Yeah, it's much better. Hey, where the hell are ya?
00:24:09I'm gonna be another minute putting on my face. Why don't you take off your jacket and stay a while,
00:24:15Tex?
00:24:15Alright. Say, uh, are you using a little cowpokes room?
00:24:22What?
00:24:23I need to lead my horse to water.
00:24:26What are you talking about?
00:24:28I gotta take a leak, alright?
00:24:30Oh, knock yourself out. Just remember,
00:24:33all employees must wash their hands before returning to work.
00:24:38That means you, partner.
00:24:41Which way?
00:24:42Right behind you. First door on your right. Hurry back so we can mambo.
00:24:50Oh, no.
00:24:52Oh, no.
00:25:02It's like we get past, buddy.
00:25:05That's what you are getting?
00:25:07It's like a girl.
00:25:08Yeah, let's do it.
00:25:11Ah, what the hell have you gotten?
00:25:14Oh, no.
00:25:14It's like that.
00:25:18Y tĆŗ lo made the world.
00:25:20Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:25:23A big
00:25:38Now, what did Daddy's Little Hitman bring Mimi for being so good?
00:25:47Bingo!
00:25:51Oh, my God!
00:25:53Mimi!
00:25:54No!
00:25:56Ah!
00:25:57Bring it up.
00:25:59Come on.
00:26:00Come on.
00:26:00Come on.
00:26:03God, buy me a drink first.
00:26:06You just swallowed that Holy Claire.
00:26:08Relax.
00:26:09I'll buy you another.
00:26:10No, you understand.
00:26:12It's...
00:26:12Stale?
00:26:13I know.
00:26:14But I had to have something.
00:26:15I have this little blood sugar problem.
00:26:19Didn't Montello tell you?
00:26:20So.
00:26:24How do I look?
00:26:28Uh, nice.
00:26:33Really nice.
00:26:38To keep our little date from becoming a complete snore, we have to make a little pit stop
00:26:42first.
00:26:43I hope you brought some protection.
00:26:45Protection?
00:26:46I have to pick something up in Van Nuys.
00:26:47How do you expect to protect me if you didn't bring a little beach starski?
00:26:52Don't leave me a little boat.
00:26:54Don't leave me a little boat.
00:26:54Don't leave me a little boat.
00:26:55I'm a little boat.
00:26:55Why don't you drive us?
00:26:56This has been the worst montage of.
00:26:58There's a change to many things I can't define.
00:27:01Oh, take your first writing close to your mind.
00:27:05In the sense of compliments the color of time.
00:27:08Who cares what games we choose?
00:27:12Little to win, but nothing to lose.
00:27:23Honey?
00:27:24Coming, Pookie.
00:27:25Look, who just dropped by for a quick pick-me-up.
00:27:28Mimi, you minx, where the dickens of you have been?
00:27:32Mimi, your new hairdo is just so much fun.
00:27:34Show it to Les.
00:27:35Les, honey, isn't Mimi's hair just F-U-M?
00:27:37W-O-W-O.
00:27:42Who's your friend?
00:27:44Oh, this is Jimmy Nova.
00:27:46He's my escort for the afternoon.
00:27:48He works for Montello.
00:27:51Bang, bang, huh, Jimmy?
00:27:53Wild.
00:27:53Your money or your wife, huh?
00:27:55Not what you think.
00:27:56I'm just an exterminator.
00:27:57I bet you're just murder with that magnum weapon of yours, aren't you?
00:28:01Scam.
00:28:04Bang, bang.
00:28:05Oh, right through the heart.
00:28:07Ah!
00:28:10Well, you two didn't just come all the way over here just to stand by a lava lamp.
00:28:15Mimi, wait till you see the shipment that Les just got in.
00:28:18It's some incredible stuff.
00:28:21Show me.
00:28:22This way to the beanbag.
00:28:30You are going to love this stuff.
00:28:35Jesus, Mimi.
00:28:37This is Topolo from Columbia.
00:28:39Very rich.
00:28:41This is Choco.
00:28:43Bitter, but equally as good.
00:28:45And this is Bosco from the Black Forest of Germany.
00:28:57Now, these two are the same, 45 an ounce.
00:29:02These are friend prices.
00:29:05This one, this one's 75.
00:29:09$75?
00:29:11Is it worth it?
00:29:12Mimi, this Bosco is wild.
00:29:14It's crazy with a K.
00:29:17Okay.
00:29:18I'll take $500 worth.
00:29:21Hold on a second there, Mimi.
00:29:23Look, what you do on your own time, that's your business.
00:29:26But today you're with me and I'm not driving around with a shitload of hashish.
00:29:30Are you insane, Columbo?
00:29:32It's not hashish.
00:29:33It's chocolate.
00:29:35It's black market fudge, Jimmy.
00:29:37Did he say hash?
00:29:39Jimmy, this is the valley.
00:29:42Mind if I spark some up right here?
00:29:46Please do.
00:29:47Our casa is your casa.
00:29:50Um, I can't get it open.
00:29:52Oh, they double-seam like that for customs.
00:29:54Here, help me out with this, Samson.
00:29:57I'll get an A.
00:29:58I can't get it.
00:29:59Do you have any cookies?
00:30:01Oh, Slippers, give it for me.
00:30:02Okay, I need some sugar.
00:30:04Please, I'm feeling a little...
00:30:07God, Mimi.
00:30:08Oh, my God, I've killed her.
00:30:10She ate my eclair.
00:30:12Believe me, it would take a lot more than a donut to kill Mimi.
00:30:14It's her blood sugar.
00:30:15She's in shock.
00:30:16Oh, you're right.
00:30:17She told us this was going to happen.
00:30:18Les, honey, grab some orange juice from the fridge.
00:30:20Jimmy, check her bag for some dextrose.
00:30:22We're going to have to give her a shot.
00:30:23Is this it?
00:30:24Yes.
00:30:24Now, just roll her over while I figure out how to read this.
00:30:27Oh, my God.
00:30:28My dough's going to kill me.
00:30:29We're all going to concentrate.
00:30:30I'm going to have to make some French.
00:30:32Honey, please, lamb chop.
00:30:33Just get her something sweet.
00:30:34Anything with cubes.
00:30:35Just hang in there, Mimi.
00:30:36Jimmy's not going to let you die.
00:30:37What do I do?
00:30:38Uh, locate and expose the upper forward quadrant of either gluteus maximus.
00:30:42What the fuck does that mean?
00:30:43Show us her butt.
00:30:45Thanks, Pookie.
00:30:47She's got a tattoo.
00:30:49Oh, that?
00:30:50It's actually a little map, see?
00:30:52It points away to the nearest burger world.
00:30:55Now what?
00:30:56Indicate intended point of penetration by marking the area with a large X.
00:31:00Mark it with what?
00:31:01What are you doing?
00:31:03Pink on purpose.
00:31:04Here, use this.
00:31:05Here?
00:31:05No, here.
00:31:06I believe they meant here.
00:31:08Oh, silly.
00:31:09The upper quadrant is right here.
00:31:10No, I'm positive.
00:31:11It's here.
00:31:12Get out of the way.
00:31:13Oh, ow.
00:31:24Mimi, say something.
00:31:29I need a cookie.
00:31:31Now!
00:31:36God!
00:31:42The least you could have done was rent a decent car.
00:31:45The least you could do is say thank you.
00:31:47Oh, for what?
00:31:48Slamming a needle halfway up my ass?
00:31:50You hit me in my eye!
00:31:52And you didn't even grab my fucking chocolate!
00:31:55That's it.
00:31:55I'm taking you home.
00:31:56No, this is my afternoon and you have to do what I want.
00:31:59You wouldn't want me to tell Montello that you've deprived me of food and nearly forces me to wipe into
00:32:03a coma, would you?
00:32:05What is this place?
00:32:06It's the Independent Cafe.
00:32:07Isn't it great?
00:32:09All the waiters and waitresses dress like characters from your favorite independent movies.
00:32:12Fantastic.
00:32:13You!
00:32:14You!
00:32:15Can't eat a bucket of fuck!
00:32:18Bitch.
00:32:20Hello.
00:32:21I'm Priscilla, Queen of the Desserts.
00:32:23Oh!
00:32:25I'll be your waitress this afternoon.
00:32:27Tables at two?
00:32:28Well, we'd like a private table so we can tell secrets.
00:32:31I understand.
00:32:32Walk this way.
00:32:35What the fuck you got here?
00:32:37Sorry about the mess.
00:32:38We had a little incident this afternoon in the piano section.
00:32:42He had a gun and he had jerry-curved.
00:32:44Come, come, come.
00:32:46Wow, that body looks real.
00:32:49Cool.
00:32:54What's this?
00:32:55Oh, that's movie karaoke.
00:32:57While you wait for your food, you can participate in scenes from your favorite movie.
00:33:01Charlie!
00:33:02They took my fucking cup, Charlie.
00:33:06Sound of music.
00:33:07Watch your backs.
00:33:09Back up, cracker.
00:33:10Coffee coming through for the man.
00:33:12Do the right thing, Mookie.
00:33:15Get the fuck out of my way before I take your fucking ears.
00:33:18Boy, I'll tell you, you know, I had this tuna fish salad sandwich up my ass for two years.
00:33:25Enjoy.
00:33:27She's not retarded.
00:33:28She's deaf.
00:33:32She's just refusing to talk.
00:33:34What did the guy look like?
00:33:35Jesus Christ.
00:33:37Be careful of the corpse.
00:33:39It's slippery when wet.
00:33:40I asked, I asked, I asked, and I had a fight against no head.
00:33:48Mia Farrow and Moe Howard.
00:33:50He was the hottest stooge.
00:33:53So cruel.
00:33:55Today's specials are listed on the back.
00:33:59Oh, what's a crying game appetizer?
00:34:02Well, we tell you it's an absolutely fabulous assortment of raw fish.
00:34:06Then we bring you a hot dog instead.
00:34:08Oh.
00:34:08And the water roll platter?
00:34:10That's just a cheese sandwich, but it costs $270.
00:34:15You go ahead, Jimmy.
00:34:16I just can't decide.
00:34:18All right.
00:34:19I'll just have the Woody Allen with an extra pickle.
00:34:22Sorry, sir.
00:34:23That's our children's menu.
00:34:24You have to be underage to get the Woody.
00:34:27Oh.
00:34:28I'll have the El Mariachi.
00:34:32What's that?
00:34:33That's our cheapest dish.
00:34:34For about $0.99, you get two tacos, a tostada, a fajita, a burrito, an enchilada, chili ralegos.
00:34:41No, no, thanks.
00:34:42That's okay.
00:34:43No.
00:34:44We'll just have two hamburgers and some fries and a couple of Cokes.
00:34:47How original.
00:34:48I wanted the El Mariachi.
00:34:49Yeah, and I don't want any more trouble.
00:34:53No, sir.
00:34:54No, sir.
00:35:13Don't you hate that?
00:35:15What?
00:35:16Those uncomfortable silences that occur when two alluring strangers are thrown together by fate
00:35:21and their pheromones do all the talking.
00:35:24Pheromones?
00:35:25You know, those imperceptible scents that animals give off to attract a mate.
00:35:34Are you saying I smell?
00:35:37I'm saying that maybe one of us should think of something to talk about before our more
00:35:42natural instincts take up.
00:35:47So, I hear you used a strip.
00:35:51Strip?
00:35:52Who told you that?
00:35:53I was just going around.
00:35:54I heard Montello, I believe, mentioned.
00:35:56My husband used the word strip?
00:35:58Well, not necessarily.
00:35:59I believe what he said was...
00:36:01Because I did not strip, okay?
00:36:02I was an exotic dancer.
00:36:04There is a big difference.
00:36:05Naturally, there is.
00:36:06Maybe you heard of me?
00:36:07Sherry Lee?
00:36:09Sherry Lee?
00:36:10That was my stage name.
00:36:11Like the cookies and the cakes.
00:36:14Everybody doesn't like something.
00:36:17But nobody didn't like Sherry Lee.
00:36:20Jellybean.
00:36:25Now, I'm going to go powder my nose.
00:36:28And when I come back, I want you to think of a secret to tell me.
00:36:38Hello.
00:36:39Is this thing on?
00:36:40Hello?
00:36:42I had this monitor up my ass for two years.
00:36:45I had this gun up my ass for two years.
00:36:50And I liked it.
00:36:57We're going to pose as nuns whose station wagon breaks down in front of the club.
00:37:02Montello doesn't leave for the bank until around two.
00:37:04So at 1.30, they should give us plenty of time.
00:37:07I'm going to smack them in the head with this.
00:37:09You're going to grab the cash and hide it in this.
00:37:11And we're going to be out of there for good.
00:37:14No more pasties and no more freaking Montello.
00:37:17No names, no worries.
00:37:19If you have to talk, you call me Sister Mary.
00:37:22Sister Sister.
00:37:24Sister Sledge.
00:37:26Sister Ruth.
00:37:27And Sister Betrill.
00:37:31Why do I have to be Sister Betrill?
00:37:33Because I'm the one handing out the names.
00:37:36Sister Betrill was played by Sally Fields.
00:37:38I don't like Sally Fields.
00:37:39I liked her in Smokey and the Bandit.
00:37:40Yeah, well, she was very good in Places in the Heart.
00:37:42Yep, she won a freaking Oscar.
00:37:44She made a great psycho in Sybil.
00:37:45My mother, my daughter, my mother, my daughter.
00:37:46She was way over the top in Soapditch.
00:37:48Wait, now, wasn't she a nun in Gidget?
00:37:49No, she was identical cousins in Gidget.
00:37:51No, that was Patty Hearst.
00:37:53No, it was Patty Duke.
00:37:54God, I was quiet.
00:37:56I don't want to be Sister Betrill.
00:38:00I'll be Betrill, great.
00:38:02No, there's no switching names.
00:38:04Your Sister Betrill, or you're out of here.
00:38:07Well, that makes me the freaking fucking flying nun.
00:38:10Deal with it.
00:38:11What's with the nuns?
00:38:13Some sort of religious jamboree.
00:38:17Perhaps they're rethinking that ninja motif.
00:38:20Hey, Liz Taylor.
00:38:23You mind?
00:38:24This is a private meeting.
00:38:26Oh.
00:38:27Sorry, Sister.
00:38:30Fucking penguins.
00:38:33And a Wilson twin.
00:38:38Hey, are you okay?
00:38:40Much better, thank you.
00:38:42I don't know what's taking our food so long.
00:38:44It should have been here.
00:38:45Here, have a breadstick.
00:38:46Would you relax?
00:38:47I'm fine.
00:38:49Well, ten minutes ago, you were threatening to lapse into a coma.
00:38:51Well, that was ten minutes ago.
00:38:53Now I want to do something fun.
00:38:56Fun?
00:38:56Yeah.
00:38:57I want to dance.
00:39:01Hey, I think that's a good idea.
00:39:03I believe, Montello, my husband, your boss, told you to let me do whatever I want.
00:39:07Well, now I want to dance.
00:39:09Well, I don't really think this is the time.
00:39:11Or shall we tell my husband that you had me go into insulin shock so you could throw my dress
00:39:15over my head and play tic-tac-toe on my ass?
00:39:18Huh?
00:39:21Maybe in a minute, then he's got a union card and he's practicing hard to play the guitar.
00:39:29Gonna be a big star.
00:39:31Yeah, he's gonna go far.
00:39:32And Carrie Moondee's home in a jar.
00:39:35He ordered Chet's guitar core.
00:39:37C-O-D makes A and E and he's working on B and D.
00:39:41C and W and R and B and me and a chimpanzee agree that one day soon he'll be a
00:39:47celebrity.
00:39:48Get it, get it, get it, get it out!
00:39:50Guitar zan!
00:39:52He's a guitar man!
00:39:55He's all you can stand!
00:39:56Give him a hand!
00:39:58Guitar zan!
00:40:03Help me down!
00:40:04Help me down!
00:40:12I can't believe they asked us to leave.
00:40:15I hope you didn't tip.
00:40:17People were complaining.
00:40:19Must have been the stupid nuns.
00:40:21Look, uh, maybe we should just call it a day.
00:40:24Well, we haven't even had lunch yet.
00:40:26Oh, look, look, you just passed Burrito Barn.
00:40:29Oh.
00:40:29Look, look, God, don't you have any food over at your place?
00:40:31Oh, and look, there's Taco Hut.
00:40:33They have these chimichangas.
00:40:35They're these little peanut-shaped pastries.
00:40:37Oh, God, just thinking about them gets me down.
00:40:40Maybe we can zip on over to your house and I can make a tuna sandwich.
00:40:44I want some gum.
00:40:45Huh?
00:40:45I said pull over so I can buy some gum!
00:40:48You're beautiful!
00:40:56What are you fucking nuts?
00:40:57Now, you wait here and I'll be out in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
00:41:01And they shake their tails real fast.
00:41:03No!
00:41:06Toodle.
00:41:07Two minutes!
00:41:08Two minutes and I'm going!
00:41:13Turn-offs include cruelty to animal and vain people.
00:41:16That makeup she's wearing, I'm sure, is tested on lab rats.
00:41:19That shaved muff, it's the ultimate form of vanity.
00:41:22Hey, clerks!
00:41:33Bigger budget.
00:41:45Bigger budget.
00:41:49Oh, my God!
00:41:51It's Taco Tuesday!
00:41:56Baby!
00:42:01No!
00:42:10Hola, Jimmy.
00:42:14Baby, your hair, you look...
00:42:17Oh, Lord.
00:42:18Mimi tiene hambre para hambre.
00:42:30Mimi!
00:42:34No mƔs!
00:42:40No!
00:42:41No!
00:42:44No!
00:42:47No!
00:43:01Jesus Christ, Mimi! What the hell'd you do that for?
00:43:05I hate that song.
00:43:09And I hate a bloody Quakey Mart.
00:43:12Look at this place.
00:43:13You know how much bleach I'm gonna have to use to clean up this mess, you stupid American pig!
00:43:20I'll drop the gun, Mr. Bouffalewbill.
00:43:23Before I blast you and Calamity Jane here so far into next week, you'll have to time travel just to
00:43:28take a dump.
00:43:36Coming into my store and waving your big gun around like you were walking past the White House.
00:43:45Nobody shoots nobody in this Quakey Mart except for Jean-Claude Ennumi.
00:43:50You try to steal something, I shoot you.
00:43:54You read my magazines, I shoot you.
00:43:56You make a mess at the Lotto station using all my phone, breaking all my pens, I shit you!
00:44:05But that is me. Jean-Claude Ennumi. I do all the shooting.
00:44:11And now...
00:44:15I'mma shoot you.
00:44:19Unless...
00:44:20Hmm?
00:44:20You wanted to buy something first.
00:44:22I got it.
00:44:22I want to.
00:44:24Oh, merde!
00:44:25I forgot to flip the sign!
00:44:28Mr. Gork, can we go?
00:44:29What?
00:44:31Miss Killing will have to wait.
00:44:39What?
00:44:40You think I am some stupid American pig?
00:44:43Who's gonna leave you here all by yourselves so you could wiggle your way free and drink on my Yahoo?
00:44:56I'm going to get the gimp.
00:45:00Gimp!
00:45:02Bop on the website!
00:45:05Whoseardi is that?
00:45:06Gimp!
00:45:06Ghie these guys!
00:45:18Gimp!
00:45:19How many Americans are in the country!?
00:45:23Gimp!
00:45:25Who's gonna let be!
00:45:26Thick!
00:45:26Thick!
00:45:27Thick!
00:45:28Thick!
00:45:30Thick!
00:45:30Thick!
00:45:32Thick!
00:45:33Good girl!
00:45:40Stay!
00:45:41Stay!
00:45:43Isn't she terrific?
00:45:46Boats of fleas, oh la la!
00:45:49I tried everything.
00:45:50The deep, the spray, the color.
00:45:52Boats still, she scratches.
00:45:53Hey! Who do you have to fuck around here to get a slushie?
00:45:57I'd be right there!
00:46:00Customers.
00:46:02Jesus.
00:46:04Okay, Gimp.
00:46:05Time to wash the prisoners while Jean-Claude overcharges some American pig for a soda.
00:46:16Now need pig to go pay.
00:46:22What?
00:46:25What?
00:46:26Now what?
00:46:27Prina and Garain let now free that day in a wind.
00:46:34Day in a wind.
00:46:36Day in a wind.
00:46:38Day in a wind.
00:46:38Day in a wind.
00:46:38Day in a wind.
00:46:38That's right.
00:46:39Blah, blah, blah.
00:46:40Now you keep talking like that until you make the freaking earth bleed.
00:46:46And if that doesn't kill you, I'll be back to do the job myself.
00:46:50Hello?
00:46:52All right, all right, I'm coming.
00:47:04Day in a wind.
00:47:10Day in a wind.
00:47:13Day in a wind.
00:47:15Day in a wind.
00:47:15Day in a wind.
00:47:16Day in a wind.
00:47:16Me make sure little chick pay free ta-ta in a wind.
00:47:20Oh!
00:47:23Bala, don't like nail.
00:47:26Bala, don't hand.
00:47:28Help, Bala, don't like nail.
00:47:32Me mawa, I'll call her from the south.
00:47:34Me own one and my fam to turn her.
00:47:37Nail, me friend don't hand nail.
00:47:42Then untie me and my friend's hand, and B-Lay can't help now.
00:47:47I don't have nail, I don't have nail.
00:47:54B-Lay show now, picture Lee Sneeze wiki.
00:47:57Lee Sneeze wiki.
00:47:59Ta-ta big.
00:48:00Ta-ta big.
00:48:03Okay.
00:48:05Okay.
00:48:08Have a nice day now, you stupid American pig.
00:48:12Hey, Papi Le Pew, how about a little Coco Band?
00:48:17Hmm.
00:48:19Oh, that's just great.
00:48:22Hey, the hell is that?
00:48:24You must have set the alarm off.
00:48:25Help me.
00:48:27I don't need to be.
00:48:28Let's get out of here.
00:48:28Yeah, let's go out the back.
00:48:29Yeah, what about the gimp?
00:48:32Ta-ta new ween, little chickpea, ta-ta new ween.
00:48:37What a moron.
00:48:42Watch out!
00:48:42Holy shit!
00:48:44That's a fucking car!
00:48:46All right, out!
00:48:47Maybe.
00:48:47Drive.
00:48:49All right, let's go.
00:48:50Out of the car, Julie Andrews.
00:48:52Watch it, I'm a fucking nun!
00:48:56Holy fuck, you're Montel's wife!
00:48:58Fight me, Ann-Margaret!
00:49:04What is it, William?
00:49:05This is my boyfriend's car!
00:49:07Oh, yeah?
00:49:08Well, I got a message for your fucking boyfriend.
00:49:14What the fuck are you doing?!
00:49:16Just drive!
00:49:17Hey, what about us?
00:49:23Oh, sweet Jesus!
00:49:25Hang on!
00:49:29I don't believe it!
00:49:31You just shot a nun!
00:49:32She wasn't a nun, she said she had a boyfriend.
00:49:35Yeah.
00:49:35Well, maybe she meant God was her boyfriend, ever think of that?
00:49:38What?
00:49:39Did you ever hear her being married to the church?
00:49:41Oh, and they were just going steady?
00:49:42Please.
00:49:44What's the difference between purgatory and limbo, huh?
00:49:47Huh?
00:49:50What are you doing?
00:49:52See?
00:49:52They don't know.
00:49:53They're not nuns.
00:49:54Yeah, what is the difference between purgatory and limbo?
00:49:57Well, purgatory is like mini-hell, and limbo is like...
00:50:02Christ!
00:50:04Well, if I was a fucking nun, I'd know!
00:50:06Right, sisters?
00:50:08Oh!
00:50:13Oh!
00:50:14Oh!
00:50:15Oh!
00:50:16Oh!
00:50:16Oh my ear!
00:50:20Did you kill any of them?
00:50:22No, but I got their penguin!
00:50:25I know, the beak is sticking me in the neck.
00:50:27Do I have anything on me?
00:50:33no you look great
00:50:38that's it you're cool you're gonna be just fine stupid cow just shut me in the stomach
00:50:42i am not cool i'm gonna fucking die you're not gonna die
00:50:46shit it just slipped on my own intestine you want to get me to us
00:50:50i'm taking you to the rendezvous point no yes that's the plan i'm losing life i'm gonna die
00:50:56i'm gonna fucking die and now i just lost a lens great as if bleeding to death wasn't enough now
00:51:04i lose a fucking contact lens i'm not gonna see the light the tunnel the light i'm gonna go right
00:51:09past the light and go straight to hell enough you're not gonna die okay you're bleeding now
00:51:15but everything is gonna be fine now come on oh great you just broke a nail
00:51:42here we come
00:51:45walking down the street we get the funniest looks from everyone we meet
00:51:53hey hey we're the monkeys and people say we monkey around
00:51:59we're too busy singing to put anybody down
00:52:06who's the best you're the toughest yeah you're the toughest
00:52:10you're the toughest
00:52:12don't turn your fucking going you stupid prick
00:52:16sorry sisters
00:52:20i'm tired i believe i will stop running
00:52:30everything's gonna be fine
00:52:31great now the fucking cops are after us
00:52:34what do you mean what happened what happened that fat chick with the with the magnum and the cleopatra hairdo
00:52:40started taking punch on them up
00:52:41what holy shit threw that fucking penguin right out of my hands i think she got a piece of my
00:52:46ear
00:52:47what happened to the car
00:52:48fuck the car
00:52:49what about these outfits huh
00:52:50i got powder burns on my wimpo and you both got blood all over yours
00:52:54relax i swept these fucking habits from the dressing room at my kids school
00:52:59they're doing a fucking benefit tonight at eight and you can't do a production of the sound of music without
00:53:04fucking habits
00:53:05where's frankie's car fuck frankie fuck this whole fucking stupid plan shit fuck
00:53:12somebody ratted us out
00:53:13did you see who that was that fat chick with the gun
00:53:16yeah
00:53:17yeah that was montello's wife
00:53:20montello's fucking gun toting nun shooting wife
00:53:22you said you had this covered how did you find out about this huh
00:53:25i don't know i don't know
00:53:27one of us is not a stripper
00:53:31one of us is a lying bitch
00:53:34who's fucking montello and now she's fucking all of us
00:53:37who you calling a bitch you fucking who are you
00:53:39you couldn't table dance your way out of a paper bag
00:53:43fucking mother fucker
00:53:45hey scissor betrayal relax
00:53:46she said i can't take
00:53:47i know what she said
00:53:48and i said relax put the gun away
00:53:51i said put the gun away
00:53:56i could win a fucking noble prize for table dancing
00:54:01everybody's gotta keep their head
00:54:02now what happened to sister sister and sister sledge
00:54:05i don't know
00:54:06i didn't stick around to find out
00:54:09fucking bullshit
00:54:10we didn't get the fucking money
00:54:12we'll get the fucking money
00:54:14candy
00:54:14i feel dizzy
00:54:16you told her your name
00:54:19i can't believe you told her your fucking name
00:54:21she's bleeding to death what the fuck was i supposed to do
00:54:23what happened to the plan huh
00:54:26no names no worries
00:54:28i had to improvise okay
00:54:30yeah well your plan sucks
00:54:33this whole none thing was fucked to begin with
00:54:37i don't wanna be sister betrille
00:54:40i'll be betrille
00:54:41great
00:54:41no
00:54:42there's no switching names
00:54:44you're sister betrille
00:54:45or you're out of here
00:54:47hey
00:54:48liz taylor
00:54:50you mind
00:54:50this is a private meeting
00:54:52oh
00:54:52sorry sisters
00:54:55fucking penguins
00:54:56maybe she knew all along
00:54:58somebody had to tip her off
00:54:59i think it was sister sledge
00:55:03speak of the devil
00:55:04who called the cops
00:55:06we don't know
00:55:07we think somebody's trying to fuck us up
00:55:09yeah well they're doing a good job
00:55:10sorry
00:55:11sorry
00:55:12i think i smell a rat
00:55:14sure you don't mean a bat
00:55:16sister betrille
00:55:17why don't you close those scrawny little legs
00:55:19give us all a break
00:55:20you're the one that tipped off montel
00:55:22you fucking bitch
00:55:24i got a tip for you
00:55:25you scrawny piece of trash
00:55:27you best back off ice mocha
00:55:28before she tears you a whole new hole to shake at your customers
00:55:31oh yeah
00:55:32oh yeah
00:55:33and you should say your name you asshole
00:55:36you're fucked up
00:55:37you're fucked up
00:55:37i've got another
00:55:39sister sledge is cool
00:55:40i picked her myself
00:55:42she hates montello more than any of us
00:55:44how do we know it's not you betrille
00:55:48you're the one who's running around pointing all the fingers
00:55:50what the fuck you talking about
00:55:53i supplied the fucking costumes
00:55:55oh yeah
00:55:56well i've never seen you strip
00:55:58i ain't even seen a pasty
00:56:00yeah
00:56:01and them mosquito bites of yours certainly ain't the tits of an exotic dancer
00:56:05show us your tits
00:56:06yeah bitch
00:56:07yeah
00:56:08where'd you get this one sister mary
00:56:10i didn't
00:56:11she came to me
00:56:15don't you fucking fuck with me
00:56:18it's been you who's been fucking with us all this time
00:56:21drop the gun patrol
00:56:23make her drop it first
00:56:25sledge
00:56:26this ain't the way
00:56:27back off candy
00:56:28don't pull that mother superior crap with me
00:56:31put it down sledge
00:56:32it's patrick
00:56:33i know it
00:56:36you said the fuck out of this sister rude
00:56:39go ahead you bloody bitch let me finish ya
00:56:48carry on
00:56:54COMING
00:56:55you
00:57:00would you shut up
00:57:01we're trying to shoot the fucking movie in here
00:57:03the fucking script would ever get here
00:57:07enough of the fucking cappuccinos
00:57:23And in the world of Federation Tag Team Wrestling, a fatal upset last night as Nicky and Valerie
00:57:28Cox defeated and inadvertently killed the famed Tag Team Wrestling champions, the Brothers
00:57:33McMullen.
00:57:34The pair escaped and are currently being sought to answer the three separate charges of criminal
00:57:39manslaughter.
00:57:40In other news, woo-hoo, three's my lucky number, baby.
00:57:45Oh, Montella never knew what hit him.
00:57:49Oh, that's it, baby.
00:57:53Oh, yeah.
00:57:55Bring that booty over here, baby.
00:57:58Ow!
00:57:59You don't fucking help me or nothing.
00:58:02Nothing.
00:58:03So what are you saying?
00:58:04A man can't pull a piece of melted wax off a bitch's face without it meaning something?
00:58:07What I'm saying is Mimi's mustache is between Mimi and Montello.
00:58:11Mm-hmm.
00:58:12Now let's just suppose you and this Mimi go out to a fancy restaurant.
00:58:14All right.
00:58:15The bitch orders eggs Florentine.
00:58:16Got it.
00:58:17She gets a piece of spinach caught on her upper lip.
00:58:18You mean to tell me you wouldn't help her?
00:58:21Spinach and pubic hair ain't the same thing.
00:58:22Man, what you talking pubic hair, man?
00:58:24This ain't no fucking pubic hair, motherfucker.
00:58:27Pulling a piece of wax off a person's face ain't shit.
00:58:29I used to shave my mother's back before they sent her off to the asylum.
00:58:32Really?
00:58:34Hey, you ever shave a guy's back?
00:58:36Does prison count?
00:58:38Outside of prison.
00:58:42Fuck you.
00:58:43Huh?
00:58:44Have ya?
00:58:44Fuck you.
00:58:45Our star is on the rise, Nikki.
00:58:49We are surrounded by angels that are converging on this moment in time to help us realize
00:58:56our destiny.
00:58:58You're just a tree in motion, baby.
00:59:01I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as Nikki.
00:59:12Um, baby, um, you know, I can't wait till tomorrow.
00:59:18Why don't we just pack our stuff and go look for Gulliver Stone now?
00:59:23Sweet little Nikki, you're just a murdering fool, aren't you?
00:59:29Alright, let's do it!
00:59:34It's Montello.
00:59:35We're gonna fucking die.
00:59:36We're gonna fucking die!
00:59:38Would you shut the fuck up?
00:59:40Get off!
00:59:41Who is it?
00:59:43Exterminators.
00:59:45Did you call the exterminator?
00:59:47Uh, well, I saw that big spider again lately.
00:59:49We're on a limb, Nikki!
00:59:51We can't have nobody snooping around in here, you stupid bitch!
00:59:54Well, what are we gonna fucking do?
00:59:55Come on, you two honeymooners!
00:59:56Get your gun!
00:59:58Let him in out of the hallway before somebody calls the fucking cops!
01:00:18We can hear you.
01:00:19No need to be braying like a mule.
01:00:22You just caught me and Nikki here in the middle of some real important business.
01:00:25Ain't that right, baby?
01:00:26That's right, baby.
01:00:28Real important business.
01:00:30So I guess you'll have to come back some other time.
01:00:34Alrighty, let's go.
01:00:36Wait a second, Kato.
01:00:38So you're asking us to reschedule?
01:00:40She ain't asking you nothing, spray boy.
01:00:44I'm telling you.
01:00:47Now pick up your fucking bug cans and get out!
01:00:51Does this seem familiar to anybody?
01:00:54Hmm, deja vu?
01:00:55I didn't ask you a goddamn thing!
01:00:59You are standing in the way of the working man.
01:01:02So?
01:01:02So, so my ass, Uncle Fester.
01:01:05So.
01:01:06So a needle and a thread.
01:01:09La.
01:01:09A note to follow motherfucking so.
01:01:12T.
01:01:13The letter in the alphabet I use to describe the way I square off in your motherfucking ass.
01:01:19Which brings us back to...
01:01:21So.
01:01:23I thought that was dope.
01:01:25So?
01:01:26Get you the point, Bugman!
01:01:28The point is, is that me and my partner here, we represent the plight of the righteous working man.
01:01:33We are here to do our job.
01:01:36And we take orders from one person, our boss, Montello.
01:01:40Oh shit, baby, that work for Montello!
01:01:43This is so bad!
01:01:44Well, do something, baby!
01:01:46Come on.
01:01:46Give me this your hairy armpit face.
01:01:49Shoot them, Vicki!
01:01:50Shoot them!
01:01:53Oh!
01:01:55Oh!
01:01:56Oh!
01:01:57Oh!
01:01:57Oh!
01:01:58Oh!
01:02:02You're a lousy shot.
01:02:03Well, my glasses fogged up, baby.
01:02:05Grab everything!
01:02:06We are leaving now!
01:02:08Look out!
01:02:10Nikki!
01:02:12Baby!
01:02:13Where's Montello's briefcase?
01:02:16It's there.
01:02:18I don't see it!
01:02:19No, I put it on the dresser underneath your copy of Extra Chromosome magazine.
01:02:24Well, here's the magazine, but I don't see no briefcase.
01:02:28Well, did you look for it?
01:02:29Of course I looked. What do you think I'm doing here?
01:02:33Are you sure you brought it?
01:02:35I'm sure.
01:02:38You don't sound sure.
01:02:41I'm pretty sure.
01:02:43Well, either you're sure or you're not.
01:02:47So which is it?
01:02:50I'm not sure.
01:02:53God damn it, Nicky!
01:02:55You are bad, bad, bad, bad, bad!
01:03:00Well, if you hadn't have made a stop for pancakes after the match...
01:03:03No! No! Don't you blame this on me!
01:03:06God!
01:03:08Wait a minute.
01:03:12Pancakes.
01:03:14I left it in the booth at the diner.
01:03:18Well, get your gun. We're going back.
01:03:21Well, our story's all over the news now.
01:03:26Frank, let's go back and write them another chapter.
01:03:32And that goes for every last motherfucking one of you!
01:03:37And that goes for every last motherfucking one of you!
01:03:43It's down already!
01:03:44Jesus!
01:03:47Yo, bro, it's the brown billfold!
01:03:49I know which one it is.
01:03:51Bro, how'd you know which one it was?
01:03:54Because it's the one that says, cheap motherfucker on it.
01:03:57If the shoe fits, bro.
01:04:00And don't bother coming back till you learn how to tip!
01:04:04Hello.
01:04:05I'm Priscilla.
01:04:07Queen of the deserts.
01:04:08We know. We were here last night.
01:04:11Don't you ever go home, Fruit Bowl?
01:04:12I'm working a double.
01:04:14Whatever.
01:04:16Listen.
01:04:19Piehead.
01:04:20We left a briefcase.
01:04:22Never mind her, Nikki.
01:04:26I've already found it.
01:04:28Oh, well, looky here, Valerie.
01:04:30Some over-caffeinated patron of this fine dining establishment has located our briefcase for us.
01:04:35Hand over the briefcase, Java girl, before we decide to decaffeinate you.
01:04:39You two skinheads take one more stuff and I'll blow your fucking white trash heads off!
01:04:45You don't know who we are?
01:04:47No.
01:04:48Damn it, Gulliver Stone.
01:04:50Say your prayers, coffee breath.
01:04:52I'm gonna fill you so full of lead you'll look like a number two pencil fucker!
01:04:57Aw, damn it, Nikki.
01:04:59Aw, shit, baby, look. I fucked up. I didn't put the bullets in the gun.
01:05:02You stupid bitch!
01:05:05Prepare to meet your maker.
01:05:07Maybe he'll know who the fuck you are.
01:05:17Holy shit, it's that spray boy.
01:05:19What the fuck's he doing with your gun, baby?
01:05:22I'm in a transitional period, thanks to both of y'all's lousy-ass aim.
01:05:26Now hand over the briefcase.
01:05:28Jesus Christ, baby!
01:05:29Oh, this is so bad!
01:05:31No, no, no, fuck it. I'm gonna give it to him.
01:05:32Don't give it to him, Nikki! The briefcase is ours.
01:05:36He's gonna put a bullet in Kojak's fucking ass if he don't hand over the briefcase. Let's go.
01:05:39Do something, baby! Do something!
01:05:41Don't you touch him, Bugman, or you're gonna fucking die and die and die again!
01:05:46Oh, I'm gonna wet myself.
01:05:47Tell Yul Brynner to chill!
01:05:50Tell him!
01:05:51Chill, Yul Brynner!
01:05:54Tell him to be cool.
01:05:56Tell him to be cool.
01:05:58Say it!
01:05:59Be cool, Nikki!
01:06:01I'm going number two. That's it. I'm just going.
01:06:03That is so gross!
01:06:06Yeah, Nikki. That's right.
01:06:07We're all gonna be like little Vinnie Barbarinos.
01:06:09And what was Vinnie Barbarino?
01:06:11Wise-ass.
01:06:12Well, all of the sweat-hawks were wise-asses,
01:06:14but they all had their own distinct characteristic.
01:06:16Like Horshack, he was a nerd.
01:06:19And Boom Boom Washington, he was very suave.
01:06:21He was also in Cooley High.
01:06:22I ain't seen him in shit since.
01:06:24I know. What happened to him? I loved him.
01:06:26You're so good in that. You know, he did go on to do a television movie.
01:06:29He played Michael Jackson's father. He was very good.
01:06:31He doesn't work enough.
01:06:31Hey! What was Vinnie Barbarino like?
01:06:35Cool? That's right. He was cool.
01:06:37So we all gonna have to just be cool,
01:06:40or Buffy and Jody get a couple of bullets in their motherfucking ass.
01:06:42Now open up the briefcase.
01:06:46We'll open it, but we own what's inside.
01:06:56It's an original.
01:06:57It's classic.
01:07:00Well, what is it?
01:07:02Oh, it's a welcome-back Cotter lunchbox.
01:07:06Very rare.
01:07:07Very hard to find.
01:07:08And little yellow glowy things.
01:07:10But the box is in mint condition,
01:07:12and we know we could get a pretty penny for it.
01:07:15You damn right.
01:07:17There's a lot of money in that box.
01:07:19That's why we're keeping the box.
01:07:21We're keeping the box.
01:07:23Oh, you can have the box.
01:07:24You and Mr. Penishead.
01:07:25I'm just gonna help myself to what's inside of it.
01:07:30Oh.
01:07:31Oh.
01:07:32Oh.
01:07:35Like I said,
01:07:36there's a lot of money in that lunchbox.
01:07:38You can have that shit now.
01:07:40But let me tell you,
01:07:41it ain't worth a damn thing without the thermos.
01:07:44Are you flirting with me?
01:07:46Oh, shit.
01:07:48Oh.
01:07:50Oh.
01:07:52We gotta get out of the way.
01:07:54I gotta get out of the way.
01:07:55Now,
01:07:57with the exception of a few silverfish in the men's room,
01:08:01this restaurant is now vermin-free.
01:08:05Here's for the pancakes.
01:08:07If the police stop by,
01:08:09you just tell them that this restaurant
01:08:11has been exterminated.
01:08:16You can turn it up.
01:08:23The schoolgirl date
01:08:28of telling tales
01:08:31and riding
01:08:32is a girl
01:08:35is a girl
01:08:37is a girl
01:08:40is a girl
01:08:49Somebody should have filmed this shit
01:08:51Somebody should have filmed this shit
01:08:52Somebody should have filmed this shit
01:08:53Probably be nominated for an Oscar
01:08:55Unless of course the filmmaker was a black man
01:08:57He was a black man
01:08:57He was a brother
01:08:58Then he won't be nominated for shit
01:08:59They won't even show his tuxedo wearing ass
01:09:02Doing a telecast
01:09:13Come on, come on, come on, Bunny
01:09:15Answer the fucking phone
01:09:30How'd you go on, you fucking dweeb?
01:09:34Houston, we have a problem
01:09:38Will somebody help him with the fucking script?
01:10:08Nail free
01:10:09Nail got job
01:10:10Now we're gonna feed film
01:10:15What'd you say?
01:10:17Nobody knows
01:10:18Nobody cares
01:10:19She works for free
01:10:20Makes a hell of a cappuccino
01:10:21Nice job
01:10:22It's a hell of a cappuccino
01:10:25It's a hell of a cappuccino
01:10:27It's a hell of a cappuccino
01:10:29Chicka Pee
01:10:31Finally the script
01:10:34Wait a minute
01:10:35What the fuck?
01:10:37This script is totally fucked
01:10:39I know, I know
01:10:40I tried to put it all back together
01:10:41But I couldn't
01:10:42It's all messed up
01:10:43It doesn't make any sense
01:10:45I know
01:10:46I love it
01:10:48You do?
01:10:49Who cares what comes when?
01:10:51That's so mainstream
01:10:52As long as it's bloody
01:10:54And violent
01:10:56Maxwell
01:10:56We're gonna shoot this
01:10:58Yeah
01:10:58I have another script
01:11:00I'm planning to drop
01:11:07How do you feel now
01:11:09Gini?
01:11:13Fabulous
01:11:19Let's run for the border
01:11:23I believe in miracles
01:11:27Wave wrong
01:11:28You suck the thing
01:11:30I'm in the mood
01:11:31For some fried chicken
01:11:32Give me the wheel
01:11:33Give me the wheel
01:11:33No, no, no
01:11:35I'm gonna hit the side
01:11:35Right here
01:11:36Damn, don't you stop me
01:11:39Come on, come on
01:11:40I'm so crazy
01:11:43You're so crazy
01:11:44Look, look
01:11:45You're so crazy
01:11:47I don't know
01:11:49A hot dog?
01:11:50Where did you come from, baby?
01:11:54How did you know
01:11:55I needed you
01:11:58How did you know
01:11:59I needed you so badly
01:12:02How did you know
01:12:04I'd give my heart gladly
01:12:06Yesterday
01:12:08I was one of the lower people
01:12:10Now your lying close to me
01:12:13Making up to me
01:12:15Give me your hand
01:12:16No one's gonna die here
01:12:17You give me your hand
01:12:18No one's gonna die
01:12:19Maybe over there
01:12:20Someone's gonna die
01:12:21But no one's gonna die here
01:12:25All right
01:12:25And she gets a piece of spinach
01:12:26Caught on her lip
01:12:27You mean to tell me
01:12:28You ain't gonna help her
01:12:29Spinach and pubic hair
01:12:30Ain't the same thing
01:12:31Man, what the fuck
01:12:32You talking pubic hair?
01:12:33Cut it, cut it, cut it
01:12:34Keep going guys
01:12:37Keep going
01:12:37I'm gonna focus now
01:12:38Bring it back to me
01:12:39Motherfucker, what you talking
01:12:40pubic hair
01:12:40That don't mean shit
01:12:43Oh man
01:12:43I can't even tell you
01:12:44Cut it, back to me
01:12:46Oh fucking
01:12:47So hard
01:12:51Did you know
01:12:52You're everything I prayed for
01:12:54Did you know
01:12:56Every night and day for
01:12:58Every day
01:13:00Needing love and satisfaction
01:13:03Now you're lying next to me
01:13:05Giving up to me
01:13:07I believe in miracles
01:13:11Praise God
01:13:17Here's De Niro and Frankenstein
01:13:19Did you fuck my bride?
01:13:20Did you fuck my bride?
01:13:22I think you did
01:13:23You've been fucking my bride
01:13:25Ah
01:13:26Well you're a lousy shot
01:13:28My glasses fogged up baby
01:13:30I was thinking
01:13:31Go ahead
01:13:32Grab everything
01:13:34We are leaving now
01:13:38Shit, shit, shit
01:13:40Pumpkin
01:13:40Visit Sound of the Warehouse
01:13:42At LaBray in Washington
01:13:43Right away
01:13:43Okay
01:13:44And this time
01:13:50And this time
01:13:51Don't screw it up
01:13:53Smokin'
01:13:54Where you from
01:13:56You sexy thing
01:13:59I've been eating milk
01:14:03Since you came along
01:14:05You sexy thing
01:14:07Touch me
01:14:12Kiss me slowly
01:14:22I'd like to sing
01:14:24I'd like to sing
01:14:25A few songs
01:14:25For you
01:14:26My rendition
01:14:28A Christmas song
01:14:30Brings
01:14:33Memories
01:14:34But our story
01:14:35But our story's all over
01:14:35The news
01:14:37Good
01:14:38Let's go back
01:14:39And ride
01:14:40For me
01:14:48I'm a human being
01:14:52Maltin' animal
01:14:52I'm your good man
01:14:55That's what I am
01:14:57I'm here to do
01:14:59Whatever I can
01:15:01Be at early morning
01:15:03Late afternoon
01:15:05Or at midnight
01:15:07It's not too soon
01:15:09Don't wanna be
01:15:10Don't wanna keep you
01:15:13Don't wanna do it all
01:15:15All for you
01:15:17I wanna be your
01:15:19Be your mother
01:15:21I wanna be the one
01:15:23You know what?
01:15:24You know how they
01:15:24In the cartoons
01:15:25In the commercials
01:15:26They got those little
01:15:27Shells covering their breasts?
01:15:28Right, right
01:15:29They had not
01:15:29Yeah, just those
01:15:31Surf and turf titties
01:15:32Hanging out in the
01:15:33Disney daylight
01:15:34Get out of town, babe
01:15:35You gotta be kidding me
01:15:36You know they do that
01:15:37In Vegas
01:15:38Just nothing up top, man
01:15:39It's heavy
01:15:40I can only see it
01:15:41With one eye, though, babe
01:15:43Slowly
01:15:44I pull a cream puff
01:15:45Out of my cleavage
01:15:47And then I'd eat it
01:15:49Gotta pull out
01:15:50From my UUs
01:15:59Two big runny
01:16:00Handfuls of peach cobbler
01:16:02I wanna take you
01:16:04Don't wanna go to
01:16:06I wanna take my home
01:16:08All to you
01:16:12Cut
01:16:12Clear
01:16:14Keep quiet
01:16:15Enjoy your business
01:16:15Where I am
01:16:18Oh, yeah
01:16:44Hello, I'm Priscilla
01:16:47Queen of the deserts, we know
01:16:49We were here last night
01:16:50We were here last night
01:16:51Don't you ever go home, Fruity?
01:16:52I'm working a double
01:16:53Whatever
01:16:56Listen
01:16:59Pumpkin head
01:17:01Big lips
01:17:02Pie head
01:17:04Fat lips
01:17:05Pie head
01:17:08Juicy
01:17:10We had this briefcase
01:17:11We had this briefcase
01:17:19Stay cool
01:17:20And open up a briefcase
01:17:23We'll open it, but we
01:17:24Cut
01:17:48I don't know
01:17:50What's that?
01:17:52I don't know
01:17:53I can't
01:17:53Know
01:17:54Can't
01:17:55But
01:17:55What's
01:17:55-
01:17:57Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la, I'm Jimin.
01:18:01What? Christmas.
01:18:03This guy sucks.
01:18:04Excuse me. Whoa, where are you going?
01:18:08We're leaving.
01:18:08Excuse me, you don't like my singing?
01:18:10You suck.
01:18:11Fuck you, asshole.
01:18:15Here up in a bun, your titties just hanging out?
01:18:17You better believe it.
01:18:19I love it, babe.
01:18:20Used to do that with Italian chicks in Vegas.
01:18:23Lost my marble over it.
01:18:25I'm your boozey man.
01:18:32I'm your boozey man.
01:18:53This has been one long, mixed up, crazy out of sequence kind of day.
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