- 18 hours ago
1997 Plump Fiction FULL HOT MOVIE [Full Movie] [Ranked]Full EP - Full
Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:10In 1994, an irreverent young filmmaker shocked audiences at the Cannes Film Festival
00:00:16with a violent, out-of-sequence new movie that changed the style of motion picture storytelling forever.
00:00:22That film won the coveted Palme d'Or, resurrected the career of a former sweat hog,
00:00:26made its director a star, and a handful of people made a shitload of money.
00:00:31The success of the movie spawned a new wave of bloody cinema that is currently sweeping the globe.
00:00:36We feel this type of filmmaking is barbaric and irresponsible.
00:00:40We fear these films will trigger more violence in an already brutal society.
00:00:44Now is the time for Hollywood to supply mankind with a more wholesome, non-violent...
00:00:50What? Affirming potion mixture.
00:01:05I love cappuccino. I love the taste of it. I love the smell of it.
00:01:09I even love the sound of it. Cappuccino.
00:01:12If someone held a gun to my head and forced me to choose a celebrity,
00:01:15any celebrity whose life I'd have to assume,
00:01:17I'd choose Al Pacino because my name would sound like cappuccino.
00:01:21I would choose Major Nelson for my dream of Jeannie.
00:01:25Having your own girl in a bottle would be fun.
00:01:28Yeah, I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you, Bumpkin?
00:01:30Your own little pin-up girl wearing nothing but hair and pants and a halter top,
00:01:34popping out of a cookie jar every time you snapped your fingers.
00:01:37It wasn't a cookie jar. It was a fancy bottle with a plug.
00:01:41A stripper in a bottle. Can you believe that?
00:01:44A freaking call girl in a bottle.
00:01:45And this was prime time. 7.30, right before laughing.
00:01:50Yes, Master. Right away, Master.
00:01:53If I was Barbara Eden, I would have crossed my arms
00:01:56and blinked Major Nelson right into a leather sling.
00:01:58Then we'd see who would be Master.
00:02:02Fucking waitress.
00:02:04What's a sling?
00:02:06I can't believe how fucking stupid you are.
00:02:09Stupid is a stupid...
00:02:11You say that stupid line one more time,
00:02:14I'm going to execute you and every other pancake eating motherfucker in this place.
00:02:18Do you hear me?
00:02:18I'm not eating pancakes.
00:02:20I said, do you hear me?
00:02:21Yes, okay, I'll hear you.
00:02:24Stupid movie.
00:02:26Life is just like a box of chocolates.
00:02:29Life is just like a box of shit.
00:02:32Ah, but what do I care?
00:02:34I'm just written about...
00:02:35Brilliant, violent script in the history of cinema.
00:02:39And somebody's actually producing it.
00:02:41Look out, Bumpkin, my star is on the rise.
00:02:44If your star is on the rise, how come they banned you from the set?
00:02:48I'll show them.
00:02:49I'm going to get my hands on my first million bucks
00:02:51and I'll make my own movie and screw all of them.
00:02:54Oh, actress.
00:02:56Could you bring me another double cappuccino?
00:03:02I am not an actress.
00:03:04I am an aspiring filmmaker.
00:03:08Filmmaker?
00:03:08Filmmaker, wow.
00:03:11Why don't we do a nice, slow tracking shot
00:03:14of you bringing me another fucking cappuccino?
00:03:23That wasn't very nice.
00:03:26Well, nice doesn't get you anywhere.
00:03:28Just ask Barbara Eden.
00:03:29Ow.
00:03:34Look what I've been sitting on.
00:03:37Give me that.
00:03:46Jesus Christ.
00:03:48What is it?
00:03:53Hello?
00:03:55Do I have a sign on my back
00:03:57that says, blow smoke up my ass?
00:03:59Crispin, sweetheart.
00:04:01Do I have a sign on my back
00:04:03that says, blow smoke up my ass?
00:04:05Did you put another sign on the director's back?
00:04:09No, no, there's none that I'm aware of.
00:04:12No, I do not have such a sign.
00:04:13You know why I have no such sign?
00:04:14Because I don't like having smoke blown up my fucking ass.
00:04:17Now, I got lights, I got cameras, I got actors, I got a crew, I even have a fucking cappuccino
00:04:24machine.
00:04:24But there's only one thing I don't have, Bunny.
00:04:26You know what that is?
00:04:27A script, Bunny.
00:04:28I don't have a fucking script.
00:04:30It's the first day of shooting, I don't have a fucking script.
00:04:33Now listen, unless you want me to make a movie
00:04:35about a couple of grips sitting around jerking off and eating crullers,
00:04:38you can get that script down to your front, though.
00:04:40That's yesterday, you fucking hear me?
00:04:42And don't you blow smoke up my ass anymore.
00:04:44I got enough smoke up my ass to elect a pope in my fucking pants.
00:04:48Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
00:04:50Bumpkin, take this to the warehouse in LaBray and Washington.
00:04:53Okay.
00:04:54And this time, don't screw up.
00:04:56It's my last copy.
00:04:58Treat that script as if your life depended on it.
00:05:01Because, frankly, it does.
00:05:05Oh, okay.
00:05:08Love you, Bumpkin.
00:05:10I love you, too, Bunny Rabbit.
00:05:14That's Roberts.
00:05:16Bunny Roberts.
00:05:18Fucking retard.
00:05:21And you, Marcel, Marcel,
00:05:22I don't need some fucking coffee shop mime
00:05:24throwing attitude at me like it's fucking rice at a wedding.
00:05:27Now, you get me that cappuccino and I,
00:05:28or I'll blow that fucking bonnet-wearing head of yours right off.
00:05:31And that goes for every last motherfucking one of you!
00:05:36And that goes for every last motherfucking one of you!
00:05:59I didn't like this!
00:06:01I didn't like this!
00:06:02I didn't like this!
00:06:02I didn't like this!
00:06:04I didn't like this!
00:06:06I didn't like this!
00:07:17The pair of serial killing wrestlers are still on the loose.
00:07:20We're going to be searching for a high of 70.
00:08:04We're going to be searching for a high of 70.
00:08:05You know what they call Goofy?
00:08:07What?
00:08:07Les chien les goofs.
00:08:10You know what they call Mickey?
00:08:11You keep going, Kat.
00:08:12Les Rétons Royales.
00:08:14Les Rétons Royales.
00:08:16That's groovy.
00:08:17Now, what about Dumbo?
00:08:18I don't know.
00:08:19I didn't make it over to Fantasy Mermaid.
00:08:20But I did see the Little Mermaid.
00:08:22La Petite Simone.
00:08:23Had her right out in front.
00:08:24Check this out.
00:08:25You know, in the cartoons and the commercials, she's got those two shells covering her breasts.
00:08:28Right, right.
00:08:30Nothing.
00:08:31Get out of there.
00:08:32These two enormous surf and turf tits just hanging out in Disney's daylight.
00:08:36Damn!
00:08:37Yeah, apparently in Europe, seeing a woman's tits is like an everyday thing.
00:08:41So she's just sitting up there waving at the kids.
00:08:43Families huddled around taking her picture.
00:08:46Hair up in the bun?
00:08:47You better believe it.
00:08:48Hey, this black motherfucking hairy ass nigga got to get his ass down.
00:08:51Now I'm telling you that right now.
00:08:57You hit something.
00:09:00Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.
00:09:01Get that fucking bug off the hood of my car.
00:09:17Uh-oh.
00:09:19No page numbers.
00:09:23Oh, fucking bug, huh?
00:09:25We should have a grenade for this type of shit.
00:09:28Maybe we could just spray him with your jerry curl.
00:09:31Say, man, this is Rio hair, okay?
00:09:33Helps a nigga's hair relax.
00:09:34You wouldn't know nothing about that shit.
00:09:36Why don't you relax?
00:09:37How many of them up there, man?
00:09:38I don't know.
00:09:38The place is probably cron.
00:09:41And it only sends two of us?
00:09:42Well, you know my teller.
00:09:44Man, we should have a fucking Uzi.
00:09:48Hey, stop that!
00:09:49Is that the revolutionary new pesticide you've been working on?
00:09:52Hey, man, that's going to get this brother out of this bullshitting ass exterminating suit into an Armani suit.
00:09:56I might even end up with a Porsche.
00:09:58Like most fly niggas.
00:10:00Hey, Julius.
00:10:00It's a fucking donut.
00:10:02This is a lethal puff pastry.
00:10:05Within the walls of this flaky golden crust is a Bavarian cream laced with DDT.
00:10:12Enough to exterminate a whole tenement.
00:10:14Lay one of these suckers on your kitchen counter.
00:10:15You wake up the next morning, it's like fucking cockroach Jonestown.
00:10:18Yeah, and kill an entire family.
00:10:21Huh?
00:10:21You can't leave a fucking poisonous donut laying on the counter.
00:10:24Somebody's going to eat it.
00:10:26And none of you tell them it's poisonous.
00:10:27I said what you're talking about, you're talking about.
00:10:29Look at that fucking donut.
00:10:30We spray once.
00:10:32Oh, man.
00:10:32And that's it.
00:10:34But then they're going to come right back.
00:10:35Uh-huh, and then we'll come back.
00:10:36That's how we make a living.
00:10:38No, that's how Montello makes a fucking living.
00:10:40I don't get paid enough for this bullshit.
00:10:43Say, you know what they call an eclair in New Zealand?
00:10:47So, what's her name again?
00:10:48Mimi.
00:10:49They say she's plumber.
00:10:50Yeah, used to be an exotic dancer.
00:10:54Montello likes his women party size.
00:10:55Oh, yeah, not me.
00:10:56I don't like fat chicks.
00:10:57Yeah, right.
00:10:58I don't.
00:10:58Yeah, okay.
00:10:59Serious, man.
00:10:59Yeah, whatever.
00:11:00Fat, me, no can do.
00:11:01Uh-huh, yeah, right.
00:11:02I'm telling you.
00:11:03Well, let me tell you something.
00:11:03200 years ago, you would have been singing a whole different tune, my friend.
00:11:06Oh, that's right.
00:11:07All right, yes.
00:11:07A man's prowess was measured by the size of his wife.
00:11:10The bigger, the better.
00:11:12Okay, fat women were revered.
00:11:14200 years ago, that little mermaid at Euro Disney would have looked more like a free willy.
00:11:24I hear this Mimi is a real handful.
00:11:26Remember that kung fu dude with the black belt and the noon chucks, Tony Krakatoa?
00:11:30Used to call him Polly Want a Cracker?
00:11:31Little guy?
00:11:32Always smelled like cheese?
00:11:34Mm-hmm, nacho.
00:11:35Right.
00:11:36Well, word around the x-ray room is that those same noon chucks he had, he's wearing on the inside.
00:11:39Sets off every metal detector there is over at LAX, just by driving by the place.
00:11:44All on account of a certain plump ex-stripper.
00:11:47She used to strip?
00:11:49Mm-hmm.
00:11:50Well, uh, what'd he do?
00:11:52Make fun of her?
00:11:53Helped her wax her mustache.
00:11:56She has a mustache?
00:11:57Not anymore.
00:11:58Supposedly, the bitch wanted to get rid of some unsightly facial hair, convinced Tony Krakatoa to help her out.
00:12:03Now he's wearing two wooden sticks inside his monkey motherfucking hands.
00:12:07Shit and sawdust.
00:12:10What's her name again?
00:12:12Mimi.
00:12:13Why are you so worried about the bitch's name?
00:12:16Montello asked me to show her a good time while he's down in Tijuana.
00:12:19Show her a good time?
00:12:21No, not like that.
00:12:24Oh.
00:12:25Show her a good time.
00:12:26Ah!
00:12:28Not like that either.
00:12:30Just take her out for some coffee, keep her from getting bored.
00:12:33Woo-hoo!
00:12:34Three's my lucky number, baby.
00:12:37Nikki.
00:12:43Sounds like we caught somebody with her pants down.
00:12:45Who is it?
00:12:47Exterminator.
00:12:48Did you come?
00:12:49Come on, you two honeymooners, open up.
00:12:51You're standing in the path of the working man.
00:12:57Holy shit.
00:12:59Stay cool, Jimmy.
00:13:08We could hear you.
00:13:09No need to be brand like a mule.
00:13:12You just caught me and Nikki here in the middle of some real important business.
00:13:16Ain't that right, baby?
00:13:18That's right, business.
00:13:19Real important business.
00:13:20So I guess you'll just have to come back some other time.
00:13:24All righty, let's go.
00:13:25Wait a second, Kato.
00:13:27So you, uh, you're asking us to reschedule?
00:13:30She ain't asking you nothing, spray boy.
00:13:34I'm telling you.
00:13:39Now pick up your fucking bug cans and get out!
00:13:45Come here.
00:13:48Mommy.
00:14:00Holy shit.
00:14:01Holy shit.
00:14:02Holy shit is when some pissed off waitress spills coffee on your lap because you're acting like a son of
00:14:06a bitch, okay?
00:14:07Watching two inbred, gun-toting psychos try to fill you with lead because you're trying to rectify an ant problem?
00:14:13That's not holy shit, my friend.
00:14:15That's not even holy fucking shit.
00:14:17You know what that is?
00:14:18That is a miracle.
00:14:21A miracle?
00:14:22That's right, I said a miracle.
00:14:24We could have been killed up there, motherfucker.
00:14:26But you know what, Jimmy?
00:14:31I've had it.
00:14:32That's right, I've had it.
00:14:33No more bug-hunting door-to-door candy-gram bullshit for me.
00:14:37And you can tell Montello that shit, too.
00:14:39From now on, he can exterminate his own fucking roaches.
00:14:42Come on, Julius.
00:14:44Exterminating's all you know.
00:14:45What are you gonna do, walk the earth?
00:14:46Hey, man, I said fuck that shit.
00:14:49I'm going to find my own way.
00:14:50Maybe I'll start my own exterminating business or something.
00:14:53And I'm going to exterminate anybody who can get in my fucking way.
00:14:58Your dim-witted ass out the goddamn way.
00:15:17I had that nightmare again, Valerie.
00:15:20Me too, Nicky.
00:15:22The one where Bonnie Franklin had her own TV show again.
00:15:26Oh, no.
00:15:28The other one.
00:15:29Where we're forced to watch that unwatchable movie about our truly fantastic lives.
00:15:34Natural blonde killers.
00:15:36Damn that Gulliver Stone for making that convoluted film.
00:15:40Do I look like a blonde to you, baby?
00:15:42No, you don't, sweetness.
00:15:43You're just a guy in a bad bald cap and my hair's a black and stringy white trash mess.
00:15:49We were well on our way to becoming the most infamous homicidical maniacs this country's ever seen.
00:15:55And now look at us wallowing in obscurity as a couple of ridiculous tag team wrestlers.
00:16:00Well, we're going to change all that tonight, sweetness.
00:16:04The Michigan Valley of Old are about to weave their most intoxicating spell over all of America.
00:16:11Once we double-cross Montel and, um, win this match, we'll have enough, um, money to stage the most violent
00:16:19and memorable comeback in serial-killing history.
00:16:23And then we get Gulliver Stone.
00:16:28No, you don't.
00:16:30None of that took too much acid.
00:16:32Who shot Jeff?
00:16:32Let's do mushrooms with Jim Morrison shit with us.
00:16:35Not this time.
00:16:37Come on.
00:16:38You want to make a film about us?
00:16:40Then you got to do like we do.
00:16:43Just point and shoot.
00:16:48You got that?
00:16:54Well, all right.
00:16:58Oh, I love you, Nicky.
00:17:01I love you, Valerie.
00:17:09Hey, yo.
00:17:10Break it up.
00:17:11Break it up.
00:17:12Well, well, well.
00:17:15Tweedledum and Tweedledumma.
00:17:17You two finished slobbering all over each other?
00:17:19Now, listen up.
00:17:21It's showtime.
00:17:23No more funny stuff.
00:17:25You go down inside of ten minutes, or I'll have the two of you roasting over an open fire like
00:17:29two fucking chestnuts faster than you can say Nat King Cole.
00:17:32That gabish?
00:17:34You asked?
00:17:35You get it?
00:17:37Then say it.
00:17:39Hmm?
00:17:40Hmm?
00:17:40Repeat what I just said.
00:17:42Oh.
00:17:44You two fucking chestnuts are gonna fucking be roasted.
00:17:48All right, all right.
00:17:49Forget it.
00:17:51Just go down in the first ten minutes.
00:17:58That was quite a charm on Montella's bracelet.
00:18:01Are you thinking what I'm thinking, sweetness?
00:18:05How about Pamela Anderson on that surfboard?
00:18:07No.
00:18:07No, Nicky!
00:18:10I'm thinking that we snatched that briefcase on our way out of here, and then we could add a little
00:18:17insult to, um, injury.
00:18:21I love the way you think, baby.
00:18:24Let's do it.
00:18:28Dad, you think I'm sexy?
00:18:31Huh?
00:18:37You had ants, Candy.
00:18:39You had fleas in every fucking room in your house.
00:18:42Remember, you called me up, crying, saying, Montello, please, please take the vermin away.
00:18:48And my boys came, and you couldn't pay your extermination bill.
00:18:52So, I opened up my heart, allowing you to come into this dank and moldy room every night and take
00:19:01off all your clothes in front of drunken, lowlife, pathetic, scumbag strangers, so you could afford to pay me back.
00:19:10But that was four years ago.
00:19:12Montello, I have paid you back for that friggin' extermination.
00:19:16Did the ants ever come back, Candy?
00:19:24No. No, because I did my job, and you don't leave here until you finish yours.
00:19:41Bonjour, Rhonda.
00:19:43Jimmy!
00:19:45They let you back in the country?
00:19:47Good move.
00:19:48Say, Rhonda, you want to hear what they call a bartender in Albania?
00:19:52No.
00:19:53Are you sure? It's kind of wacky.
00:19:55Keep it in your pants, Sundance.
00:20:00So is the, uh, big guy around?
00:20:02He's over there, talking to one of the strippers.
00:20:06Now, all this money might seem unfair, but if it's any consolation to you, I just took it up the
00:20:12butt myself.
00:20:13A couple of whacked-out wrestlers double-crossed me and made off with a very valuable briefcase.
00:20:18So, we feel good about this.
00:20:23Say it.
00:20:25We feel good about this.
00:20:27Like you mean it.
00:20:30We feel good about this.
00:20:33Good.
00:20:35Now say it like you're underwater.
00:20:38What?
00:20:39Say it.
00:20:43We feel good about this.
00:20:46Hey, Jimmy.
00:20:47I hear you're taking Mimi out to break some bread.
00:20:51Yeah, well, uh, Montella wants me to spend the afternoon with her.
00:20:54Whatever you do, don't let her eat Mexican.
00:20:58Mexican?
00:20:58Yeah, you know, tacos, frajitas, anchiladas.
00:21:02Why not?
00:21:04Because that's when all the trouble starts.
00:21:06Trouble?
00:21:07Yeah.
00:21:08You didn't hear about Tony Quackatone?
00:21:10Well, I heard some things.
00:21:12All I know is Mimi sends Tony out for some chimichangas, right?
00:21:16The next thing you know, he's packed tighter than a Japanese subway at rush hour.
00:21:22Hey, Jimmy.
00:21:24You want to know what they call a burrito over at Montella's house?
00:21:29What?
00:21:30Hey, don't, stupid.
00:21:31Haven't you been listening?
00:21:33No.
00:21:34Mexican.
00:21:36Putz.
00:21:39You strippers will do anything for a buck.
00:21:42Come on, now get out of here before I wet my pants.
00:21:45Come on, squeeze in, yeah.
00:21:48Nice, Tim.
00:21:49Hey, hey, there he is.
00:21:51Jimmy Nova.
00:21:52Mr. Eurotrash himself.
00:21:54Hey, you kill any bugs for me this morning?
00:21:58Back on the job.
00:21:59Attaboy.
00:22:00I can see traveling around the world, you haven't lost your touch.
00:22:03Want to hear what they call a cockroach in Botswana?
00:22:07Now, why the fuck would anybody want to know that?
00:22:10Now, look, this afternoon, I'm sending you out on your most important job yet.
00:22:14Now, you know my Mimi means the world to me.
00:22:17And if anything should happen to my sweet, plump, adorable little Mimi, I couldn't be held accountable for my actions.
00:22:25I hear you.
00:22:27Good.
00:22:28So, we feel good about this.
00:22:33Say it.
00:22:35We feel good about this.
00:22:38Good.
00:22:39Now, say it like there was a hot poker up your ass.
00:22:54Jimmy.
00:22:56I'm slipping into something more comfortable.
00:23:00The door's unlocked.
00:23:01Come on in and make yourself your home.
00:23:05Mimi.
00:23:07Mimi.
00:23:07Mimi.
00:23:08Mimi.
00:23:10Mimi.
00:23:11Mimi.
00:23:24Mimi.
00:23:26Mimi.
00:23:28Mimi.
00:23:29Mimi.
00:23:30Mimi.
00:23:30Mimi.
00:23:32Mimi.
00:23:35Mimi.
00:23:41Mimi.
00:23:42Mimi.
00:23:42Mimi.
00:23:58Hey, turn it down, will ya?
00:24:03There.
00:24:04Is that better, cowboy?
00:24:06Yeah, it's much better.
00:24:08Hey, where the hell are ya?
00:24:09I'm gonna be another minute putting on my face.
00:24:11Why don't you take off your jacket and stay a while, Tex?
00:24:15Alright.
00:24:17Say, uh, are you using a little cowpokes room?
00:24:21What?
00:24:23I need to lead my horse to water.
00:24:26What are you talking about?
00:24:28I gotta take a leak, alright?
00:24:30Oh, knock yourself out.
00:24:33Just remember, all employees must wash their hands before returning to work.
00:24:38That means you, partner.
00:24:41Which way?
00:24:43Right behind you.
00:24:45First door, you're right.
00:24:47Hurry back so we can mambo.
00:24:52Andra, muro boy, ah!
00:25:20Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:25:38Now, what did daddy's little hitman bring Mimi for being so good?
00:25:48Bingo!
00:25:51Oh, my God!
00:25:53Mimi!
00:25:54Oh, my God!
00:25:54Oh, my God!
00:25:55Oh, my God!
00:25:56Ah!
00:25:57Bring it up!
00:25:59Come on!
00:26:00Come on!
00:26:00Come on!
00:26:02Oh!
00:26:03Oh!
00:26:03God!
00:26:04Buy me a drink first.
00:26:06You just swallowed that Holy Claire.
00:26:08Relax.
00:26:08I'll buy you another.
00:26:10You understand.
00:26:12It's...
00:26:12Stale?
00:26:13I know.
00:26:14But I had to have something.
00:26:15I have this little blood sugar problem.
00:26:19Didn't Montello tell you?
00:26:24So, how do I look?
00:26:28Uh, nice.
00:26:33Really nice.
00:26:38To keep our little date from becoming a complete snore, we have to make a little pit stop first.
00:26:43I hope you brought some protection.
00:26:45Protection?
00:26:45I have to pick something up in Van Nuys.
00:26:47How do you expect to protect me if you didn't bring a little beach, Starsky?
00:26:53Let's go!
00:26:54Let's go!
00:26:55Let's go!
00:26:55Let's go!
00:26:55Let's go!
00:26:55Let's drive us!
00:26:56This has been the worst montage of!
00:26:58It changed many things I can't define.
00:27:02Old cages first, fighting's worth of your mind.
00:27:05In the sense of compliments, the color of wine.
00:27:09Who cares what game we choose?
00:27:12Little to win, but nothing to lose.
00:27:23Honey?
00:27:24Coming, Pookie!
00:27:25Look, who just dropped by for a quick pick-me-up!
00:27:28Mimi, you minx!
00:27:30Where the dickens have you been?
00:27:32Mimi, your new hairdo is just so much fun.
00:27:34Show it to Les.
00:27:35Les, honey, isn't Mimi's hair just F-U-M?
00:27:37W-O-W-O-W-O!
00:27:40Thank you!
00:27:42Who's your friend?
00:27:44Oh, this is Jimmy.
00:27:45Hey, Nova.
00:27:45He's my escort for the afternoon.
00:27:48He works for Montello.
00:27:50Ooh!
00:27:51Bang, bang!
00:27:52Huh, Jimmy?
00:27:53Wild!
00:27:53Your money or your wife, huh?
00:27:55It's not what you think.
00:27:56I'm just an exterminator.
00:27:57I bet you're just murder with that magnum weapon of yours, aren't you?
00:28:01Scam!
00:28:02Ooh!
00:28:04Bang, bang!
00:28:05Oh, right through the heart.
00:28:07Ah!
00:28:08Ah!
00:28:10Well, you two didn't just come all the way over here just to stand by a lava lamp.
00:28:15Mimi!
00:28:15Wait till you see the shipment that Les just got in.
00:28:18It's some incredible stuff.
00:28:21Show me!
00:28:21This way to the bean bag.
00:28:30You are gonna love this stuff.
00:28:35Jesus, Mimi!
00:28:37This is Topolo from Columbia.
00:28:39Very rich.
00:28:41This is Choco.
00:28:43Bitter, but equally as good.
00:28:46And this...
00:28:49Is Bosco.
00:28:52From the Black Forest of Germany.
00:28:57Now, these two are the same.
00:29:0045 an ounce.
00:29:02These are friend prices.
00:29:05This one...
00:29:07This one's 75.
00:29:0975 dollars?
00:29:11Is it worth it?
00:29:12Mimi, this Bosco is wild.
00:29:14It's crazy with a K.
00:29:17Okay.
00:29:18I'll take 500 dollars worth.
00:29:22Hold on a second there, Mimi.
00:29:24Look, what you do on your own time, that's your business.
00:29:26But today you're with me and I'm not driving around with a shitload of hashish.
00:29:30Are you insane, Columbo?
00:29:32It's not hashish.
00:29:33It's chocolate.
00:29:35It's black market fudge, Jimmy.
00:29:37Did he say hash?
00:29:39Jimmy, this is the valley.
00:29:42Mind if I spark some up right here?
00:29:46Please do.
00:29:47Our casa is your casa.
00:29:50Um...
00:29:50I can't get it open.
00:29:52Oh, they double see them like that for customs.
00:29:54Here, help me out with this, Samson.
00:29:57I'll get an A.
00:29:58I can't get it.
00:29:59Do you have any cookies?
00:30:01Oh, Slippers, give it to me.
00:30:02I...
00:30:02I need some sugar.
00:30:04Please, I'm feeling a little...
00:30:07God, Mimi!
00:30:08Oh, my God, I've killed her!
00:30:10She ate my eclair!
00:30:12Believe me, it would take a lot more than a donut to kill Mimi.
00:30:14It's her blood sugar.
00:30:15She's in shock.
00:30:16Oh, you're right.
00:30:17She told us this was gonna happen.
00:30:18Les, honey, grab some orange juice from the fridge.
00:30:20Jimmy, check her bag for some dextrose.
00:30:22We're gonna have to give her a shot.
00:30:23Is this it?
00:30:24Yes.
00:30:24Now just roll her over while I figure out how to read this.
00:30:27Oh, my God, my donut's gonna kill me.
00:30:29We're all gonna concentrate.
00:30:31I'm gonna have to make some fresh.
00:30:32Honey, please.
00:30:33Blanch up, just get her something sweet.
00:30:34Anything with cubes.
00:30:35Just hang in there, Mimi.
00:30:36Jimmy's not gonna let you die.
00:30:37What do I do?
00:30:38Uh, locate and expose the upper forward quadrant of either gluteus maximus.
00:30:42What the fuck does that mean?
00:30:43Show us her butt.
00:30:45Thanks, Pookie!
00:30:47She's got a tattoo.
00:30:49Oh, that?
00:30:50It's actually a little map, see?
00:30:52It points away to the nearest burger world.
00:30:55Now what?
00:30:56Indicate intended point of penetration by marking the area with a large X.
00:31:00Mark it with what?
00:31:01What are you doing?
00:31:03Pink on purpose.
00:31:04Here, use this.
00:31:05Here?
00:31:05No, here.
00:31:06I believe they meant here.
00:31:08Oh, silly.
00:31:09The upper quadrant is right here.
00:31:10No, I'm positive.
00:31:11It's here.
00:31:12Get out of the way!
00:31:13Oh, ow!
00:31:25Mimi.
00:31:26Say something.
00:31:30I need a cookie!
00:31:32Now!
00:31:37Gone!
00:31:42The least you could have done
00:31:43was rent a decent car.
00:31:45The least you could do is say thank you.
00:31:47Oh, for what?
00:31:48Slimming a needle halfway up my ass?
00:31:50You hit me in my eye!
00:31:52And you didn't even grab my fucking chocolate!
00:31:55That's it, I'm taking you home.
00:31:56No, this is my afternoon
00:31:57and you have to do what I want.
00:31:59You wouldn't want me to tell Montello
00:32:00that you've deprived me of food
00:32:01and nearly forced me to wipe into a coma,
00:32:03would you?
00:32:05What is this place?
00:32:06It's the Independent Cafe.
00:32:07Isn't it great?
00:32:09All the waiters and waitresses
00:32:10dress like characters
00:32:11from your favorite independent movies.
00:32:12Fantastic.
00:32:13You! You!
00:32:15Can't eat a bucket of fuck!
00:32:18Bitch.
00:32:20Hello.
00:32:21I'm Priscilla,
00:32:23queen of the desserts.
00:32:24Oh!
00:32:25I'll be your waitress this afternoon.
00:32:27Table for two?
00:32:28Well, we'd like a private table
00:32:30so we can tell secrets.
00:32:32I understand.
00:32:33Walk this way.
00:32:35What?
00:32:37Sorry about the mess.
00:32:38We had a little incident this afternoon
00:32:40in the piano section.
00:32:42He had a gun
00:32:43and he had jerry-crow.
00:32:44Come, come, come.
00:32:46Wow!
00:32:46That body looks real!
00:32:49Cool!
00:32:54What's this?
00:32:55Oh, that's movie karaoke.
00:32:57While you wait for your food,
00:32:59you can participate in scenes
00:33:00from your favorite movie.
00:33:01Charlie!
00:33:02They took my fucking job, Charlie!
00:33:06Sound of music.
00:33:07Watch your backs.
00:33:09Back up, cracker.
00:33:10Coffee coming through for the man.
00:33:12Do the right thing, Mookie.
00:33:15Get the fuck out of my way
00:33:17before I take your fucking ears.
00:33:18Boy, I'll tell you,
00:33:19you know,
00:33:20I had this tuna fish salad sandwich
00:33:22up my ass
00:33:23for two years.
00:33:25Enjoy.
00:33:27She's not retarded.
00:33:28She's deaf.
00:33:30Get off this.
00:33:32She's not deaf.
00:33:33She's just refusing to talk.
00:33:34What did the guy look like?
00:33:36Jesus Christ.
00:33:38Careful of the corpse.
00:33:39It's slippery when wet.
00:33:40I asked, I asked,
00:33:42and I had my eyes
00:33:42and he has no head.
00:33:47Oh, look.
00:33:48Mia Farrow and Moe Howard.
00:33:50He was the hottest stooge.
00:33:53So cruel.
00:33:55Today's specials are listed on the back.
00:33:59Oh, what's a crying game appetizer?
00:34:02Well, we tell you
00:34:03it's an absolutely fabulous assortment
00:34:05of raw fish.
00:34:06Then we bring you a hot dog instead.
00:34:08Oh.
00:34:08And the water roll platter?
00:34:10That's just a cheese sandwich,
00:34:12but it costs $270.
00:34:15You go ahead, Jimmy.
00:34:16I just can't decide.
00:34:18All right.
00:34:19I'll just have the Woody Allen
00:34:20with an extra pickle.
00:34:22Sorry, sir.
00:34:23That's our children's menu.
00:34:24You have to be underage
00:34:26to get the Woody.
00:34:27Oh.
00:34:28I'll have the El Mariachi.
00:34:32What's that?
00:34:33That's our cheapest dish.
00:34:34For about $0.99,
00:34:35you get two tacos,
00:34:37a tostada,
00:34:38a fajita,
00:34:38a burrito,
00:34:39an enchilada,
00:34:40chili rileas.
00:34:41No, no, thanks.
00:34:42That's okay.
00:34:43No.
00:34:44We'll just add two hamburgers
00:34:45and some fries
00:34:46and a couple of Cokes.
00:34:47How original.
00:34:48I wanted the El Mariachi.
00:34:49Yeah, and I don't want
00:34:50any more trouble.
00:35:13Don't you hate that?
00:35:15What?
00:35:16Those uncomfortable silences
00:35:17that occur when two
00:35:18alluring strangers
00:35:19are thrown together
00:35:20by fate
00:35:21and their pheromones
00:35:22do all the talking.
00:35:24Pheromones?
00:35:25You know,
00:35:25those imperceptible scents
00:35:27that animals give off
00:35:28to attract a mate.
00:35:34Are you saying I smell?
00:35:37I'm saying that
00:35:38maybe one of us
00:35:39should think of something
00:35:40to talk about
00:35:40before our more
00:35:42natural instincts take up.
00:35:46So,
00:35:48I hear you used to strip.
00:35:51Strip?
00:35:52Who told you that?
00:35:53I was just going around.
00:35:54I heard Montello,
00:35:55I believe, mentioned.
00:35:56My husband used
00:35:57the word strip?
00:35:58Well, not necessarily.
00:35:59I believe what he said
00:36:00was...
00:36:01Because I did not strip,
00:36:02okay?
00:36:02I was an exotic dancer.
00:36:04There is a big difference.
00:36:05Naturally, there is.
00:36:06Maybe you heard of me?
00:36:07Sherry Lee?
00:36:09Sherry Lee?
00:36:10That was my stage name,
00:36:11like the cookies
00:36:12and the cakes.
00:36:14Everybody doesn't
00:36:15like something.
00:36:17But nobody
00:36:18didn't like
00:36:18Sherry Lee.
00:36:20Jellybean.
00:36:25Now,
00:36:26I'm going to go
00:36:26powder my nose.
00:36:27And when I come back,
00:36:29I want you to think
00:36:30of a secret
00:36:31to tell me.
00:36:38Hello.
00:36:39Is this thing on?
00:36:40Hello?
00:36:42I had this monitor
00:36:43up my ass
00:36:43for two years.
00:36:45I had this gun
00:36:46up my ass
00:36:48for two years.
00:36:50And I liked it.
00:36:57We're going to pose
00:36:58as nuns
00:36:59whose station wagon
00:37:00breaks down
00:37:00in front of the club.
00:37:02Montello doesn't leave
00:37:03for the bank
00:37:03until around two.
00:37:04So at 1.30
00:37:05they should give us
00:37:06plenty of time.
00:37:07I'm going to smack
00:37:07them in the head
00:37:08with this.
00:37:09You're going to grab
00:37:10the cash
00:37:10and hide it in this.
00:37:12And we're going to
00:37:13be out of there
00:37:13for good.
00:37:14No more pasties
00:37:15and no more
00:37:16freaking Montello.
00:37:17No names,
00:37:18no worries.
00:37:19If you have to talk,
00:37:20you call me
00:37:21Sister Mary.
00:37:22Sister Sister,
00:37:24Sister Sledge,
00:37:26Sister Ruth,
00:37:27and Sister Betrill.
00:37:31Why do I have
00:37:32to be Sister Betrill?
00:37:33Because I'm the one
00:37:34handing out the names.
00:37:36Sister Betrill
00:37:36was played by
00:37:37Sally Fields.
00:37:38I don't like
00:37:38Sally Fields.
00:37:39I liked her
00:37:39in Smokey and the Bandit.
00:37:40Yeah, well,
00:37:41she was very good
00:37:41in Places in the Heart.
00:37:42Yep, she won
00:37:43a freaking Oscar.
00:37:44She made a great
00:37:44psycho in Sybil.
00:37:45My mother,
00:37:45my daughter,
00:37:46my mother,
00:37:46my daughter.
00:37:46She was way
00:37:47over the top
00:37:47in Soapditch.
00:37:48Wait, now,
00:37:48wasn't she a nun
00:37:49in Gidget?
00:37:49No, she was
00:37:50identical cousins
00:37:51in Gidget.
00:37:51No, that was
00:37:52Patty Hearst.
00:37:53No, it was
00:37:53Patty Duke.
00:37:54God, I was quiet.
00:37:56I don't want
00:37:57to be Sister Betrill.
00:38:00I'll be Betrill,
00:38:01great.
00:38:02No!
00:38:03There's no
00:38:03switching names.
00:38:04You're Sister Betrill
00:38:06or you're out of here!
00:38:07Well, that makes me
00:38:08the freaking fucking
00:38:08flying nun.
00:38:09Deal with it.
00:38:11What's with the nuns?
00:38:13Some sort of
00:38:14religious jamboree.
00:38:16Perhaps they're
00:38:17rethinking
00:38:18that ninja motif.
00:38:20Hey, Liz Taylor.
00:38:23You mind?
00:38:24This is a private meeting.
00:38:26Oh.
00:38:26Sorry, sisters.
00:38:29Fucking penguins.
00:38:32And a Wilson twin!
00:38:38Hey, are you okay?
00:38:40Much better, thank you.
00:38:42I don't know what's
00:38:43taking our food so long.
00:38:44It should have been here.
00:38:45Here, have a breadstick.
00:38:46Would you relax?
00:38:47I'm fine.
00:38:49Well, ten minutes ago
00:38:50you were threatening
00:38:50to lapse into a coma.
00:38:51Well, that was ten minutes ago.
00:38:53Now I want to do
00:38:54something fun.
00:38:56Fun?
00:38:56Yeah.
00:38:57I want to dance.
00:39:01Hey, I think
00:39:02that's a good idea.
00:39:03I believe, Montello,
00:39:05my husband, your boss
00:39:06told you to let me
00:39:06do whatever I want.
00:39:07Well, now I want to dance.
00:39:09Well, I don't really
00:39:09think this is the time.
00:39:10Or shall we tell
00:39:11my husband that you
00:39:12had me go into
00:39:13insulin shock
00:39:14so you could throw
00:39:15my dress over my head
00:39:16and play tic-tac-toe
00:39:17on my ass?
00:39:18Huh?
00:39:21Maybe in a minute
00:39:23then...
00:39:25He's got a union card
00:39:27and he's practicing hard
00:39:28to play the guitar.
00:39:29Gonna be a big star.
00:39:31Yeah, he's gonna go far.
00:39:32And Carrie Moondee
00:39:33is homin' a job.
00:39:35He ordered chips,
00:39:36guitar corps,
00:39:37C-O-D,
00:39:38makes A and E
00:39:39and he's working on
00:39:40being D, C and W and R
00:39:42and B and me
00:39:43and a chimpanzee
00:39:44agree that one day
00:39:46soon he'll be
00:39:47a celebrity.
00:39:48Get it, get it,
00:39:49get it, get it!
00:39:50Out!
00:39:51Guitar's hand!
00:39:52He's a guitar man!
00:39:55He's all you can stand.
00:39:56Give him a hand,
00:39:58guitar's hand!
00:40:03Hold me down!
00:40:04Hold me down!
00:40:05Look at him.
00:40:06That's so funny!
00:40:08It's too funny!
00:40:13I can't believe
00:40:14they asked us to leave.
00:40:15I hope you didn't tip.
00:40:17People were complaining.
00:40:19Must have been
00:40:19the stupid nuns.
00:40:21Look, uh,
00:40:22maybe we should just
00:40:23call it a day.
00:40:24Well, we haven't even
00:40:25had lunch yet.
00:40:26Oh, look, look,
00:40:27you just passed
00:40:27Burrito Barn.
00:40:29Oh.
00:40:29Look, look, God,
00:40:30don't you have any food
00:40:31over at your place?
00:40:32Oh, and look,
00:40:32there's Taco Hut.
00:40:33They have these chimichangas.
00:40:35They're these little
00:40:35peanut-shaped pastries.
00:40:37Oh, God,
00:40:38just thinking about them
00:40:38gets me down.
00:40:40Maybe we could
00:40:41zip on over to your house
00:40:41like if we can
00:40:42tuna sandwich.
00:40:44I want some gum.
00:40:45Huh?
00:40:45I said pull over
00:40:46so I can buy some gum!
00:40:48You're beautiful!
00:40:56What are you fucking nuts?
00:40:57Now, you ain't here
00:40:58and I'll be out
00:40:59in two shakes
00:40:59of a lamb's tail.
00:41:01And they shake
00:41:01their tails real fast.
00:41:03No!
00:41:06Toodles.
00:41:07Two minutes!
00:41:08Two minutes
00:41:09and I'm going!
00:41:12Turn-offs include
00:41:14cruelty to animal
00:41:14and vain people.
00:41:16That makeup she's wearing
00:41:17I'm sure is tested
00:41:18on lab rats.
00:41:19That shaved muff
00:41:20is the ultimate form
00:41:21of vanity.
00:41:22Hey, clerks!
00:41:33Bigger budget.
00:41:47Oh, my God!
00:41:51It's Taco Tuesday!
00:41:57Jamie!
00:42:01No!
00:42:10Hola, Jimmy!
00:42:14Mimi, your hair,
00:42:16you look...
00:42:17Oh, Lord.
00:42:18Mimi tiene hombre
00:42:20para hombre.
00:42:32Mimi!
00:42:34No más!
00:42:40No!
00:42:42No!
00:42:47No!
00:42:48No!
00:42:48No!
00:43:01Jesus Christ, Mimi! What the hell did you do that for?
00:43:05I hate that song.
00:43:09And I hate a bloody Quakey Mart.
00:43:12Look at this place.
00:43:13You know how much bleach I'm going to have to use to clean up this mess, you stupid American pig?
00:43:20I'll drop the gun, Mr. Buffalo Bill.
00:43:23Before I blast you and Calamity Jane here so far into next week, you'll have to time travel just to
00:43:28take a dump.
00:43:36Coming into my store and waving your big gun around like you were walking past the White House.
00:43:45Nobody shoots nobody in this Quakey Mart except for Jean-Claude Ennumie.
00:43:50You try to steal something, I shoot you.
00:43:54You read my magazines, I shoot you.
00:43:56You make a mess at the Lotto station using all my phone, breaking all my pens, I shit you.
00:44:06But that is me. Jean-Claude Ennumie. I do the shooting.
00:44:11And now...
00:44:15I'm gonna shoot you.
00:44:19Unless...
00:44:20You wanted to buy something first.
00:44:24Oh, merde!
00:44:25I forgot to flip the sign!
00:44:28Me to go!
00:44:28Who?
00:44:31This killing will have to wait.
00:44:39What?
00:44:40You think I am some stupid American pig?
00:44:43Who's gonna leave you here all by yourselves so you could wiggle your way free and drink on my Yahoo?
00:44:56I'm going to get the gimp.
00:45:01Who?
00:45:02Who?
00:45:03Who are you?
00:45:03Who are you?
00:45:04Let go!
00:45:18Who is this?
00:45:19You're an American girl!
00:45:21Kill! Kill!
00:45:24Kill! Kill!
00:45:26Kill! Kill! Kill!
00:45:27Sit! Sit!
00:45:29Run over!
00:45:31Run over!
00:45:33Good girl!
00:45:39Stay!
00:45:42Stay!
00:45:43This is terrifying!
00:45:46But the fleas, oh la la!
00:45:49And I tried everything.
00:45:50The deep, the spray, the color.
00:45:52But still, she scratches.
00:45:53Hey! Who do you have to fuck around here to get a slushie?
00:45:57I'd be right there!
00:46:00Customers.
00:46:02Jesus.
00:46:04Okay, Gimp.
00:46:05Time to wash the prisoners while Jean-Claude
00:46:08overcharges some American pig for a soda.
00:46:16You now need pee, chicka-pay.
00:46:25Now, what?
00:46:27When I ain't got an
00:46:29let now free
00:46:31that day in a wind.
00:46:34Day in a wind.
00:46:36Day in a wind.
00:46:38Day in a wind.
00:46:38That's right. Blah, blah, blah.
00:46:40Now, you keep talking like that
00:46:42until you make the freakin' earth bleed.
00:46:46And if that doesn't kill you,
00:46:48I'll be back to do the job myself.
00:46:50Hello?
00:46:51All right, all right, I'm coming!
00:46:59Now, God, Dale, God ain't.
00:47:05Day in a wind.
00:47:10Day in a wind.
00:47:13Day in a wind.
00:47:15Day in a wind.
00:47:16Day in a wind.
00:47:16Day in a wind.
00:47:16Me make sure little chicka-pay free ta-ta in a wind.
00:47:20Oh!
00:47:22Ba-la, don't like now.
00:47:26Ba-la, don't like now.
00:47:28How ba-la, don't like now.
00:47:32Me ma-la, outcow, how from the south.
00:47:34Me o-one in my fam, to turn up.
00:47:37Now.
00:47:38Me freer, don't tell, now.
00:47:43Then untie me and my freer hand,
00:47:46And B-L-E can help now.
00:47:50B-L-E show now, picture Lee Sneeze Winky.
00:47:57Lee Sneeze Winky.
00:47:58Tata Big.
00:48:00Tata Big.
00:48:03Okay.
00:48:08Have a nice day now!
00:48:10You stupid American pig!
00:48:12Hey!
00:48:14Papi Le Pew!
00:48:15How about a little Coco Band?
00:48:20That's just great!
00:48:22Hey!
00:48:23What the hell is that?
00:48:24You must have set the alarm off.
00:48:25Help me!
00:48:27Let's get out of here!
00:48:29Let's go out the back!
00:48:29Yeah, what about the gimp?
00:48:33Tata Nguyen, little chickpea!
00:48:35Tata Nguyen!
00:48:37What a moron.
00:48:42Watch out!
00:48:42Holy shit!
00:48:44That's a fucking car!
00:48:45Alright, out!
00:48:47Maybe.
00:48:47Drive!
00:48:49Alright, let's go!
00:48:50Out of the car, Julie Andrews!
00:48:52Watch it, I'm a fucking nun!
00:48:56Holy fuck, you're Montel's wife!
00:48:58Fight me, Ann-Margaret!
00:49:04Wait!
00:49:05William, this is my boyfriend's car!
00:49:07Oh, yeah?
00:49:08Well, I got a message for your fucking boyfriend!
00:49:14What the fuck are you doing?!
00:49:16Just drive!
00:49:17Hey!
00:49:18What about us?
00:49:23Oh, sweet Jesus!
00:49:25Hang on!
00:49:29I don't believe it!
00:49:31You just shot a nun!
00:49:32She wasn't a nun, she said she had a boyfriend!
00:49:34Yeah?
00:49:35Well, maybe she meant God was her boyfriend, ever think of that?
00:49:38What?
00:49:39Did you ever hear her being married to the church?
00:49:41Oh, and they were just going steady?
00:49:43Please!
00:49:44What's the difference between purgatory and limbo, huh?
00:49:47Huh?
00:49:50What are you doing?
00:49:52See?
00:49:52They don't know.
00:49:53They're not nuns.
00:49:54Yeah, what is the difference between purgatory and limbo?
00:49:57Well, purgatory is like mini-hell, and limbo is like...
00:50:02Christ!
00:50:03Well, if I was a fucking nun, I'd know!
00:50:06Right, sisters?
00:50:07Oh!
00:50:13Oh!
00:50:15Oh!
00:50:15Oh!
00:50:16Oh!
00:50:16Oh!
00:50:17Oh!
00:50:20Did you kill any of them?
00:50:22No.
00:50:23But I got their penguin.
00:50:24I know!
00:50:25The beak is sticking me in the neck!
00:50:27Do I have anything on me?
00:50:33No!
00:50:33You look great!
00:50:38That's it!
00:50:38You're cool!
00:50:39You're gonna be just fine!
00:50:41Stupid cow just shut me in the stomach!
00:50:43I am not cool!
00:50:44I'm gonna fucking die!
00:50:45You're not gonna die!
00:50:46Shit!
00:50:47It just slipped on my own intestine!
00:50:48You better get me twice!
00:50:50Oh!
00:50:50I'm taking you to the rendezvous point!
00:50:52No!
00:50:52Yes!
00:50:53That's the plan!
00:50:54I'm losing life!
00:50:56I'm gonna die!
00:50:56I'm gonna fucking die!
00:50:58Ah!
00:51:01And now I just lost a lens!
00:51:02Great!
00:51:03If bleeding to death wasn't enough, now I lose a fucking contact lens!
00:51:06I'm not gonna see the light!
00:51:08The tunnel of the lighthouse!
00:51:09I'm gonna go right past the light!
00:51:10And go straight to hell!
00:51:12Enough!
00:51:13You're not gonna die, okay?
00:51:14You're bleeding now!
00:51:15But everything is gonna be fine!
00:51:17Now come on!
00:51:18Ow!
00:51:19Great!
00:51:20You just broke a nail!
00:51:21Oh!
00:51:22Oh!
00:51:34You, it's acoustic!
00:51:44I During Come on!
00:51:45Yeah!
00:51:46You I doppeliche!
00:51:47Ah this is gonna be nice!
00:51:48I'm pure!
00:51:48be compliments.
00:51:50The Drug Age of Pl above!
00:51:51Everyone we meet
00:51:54Hey, hey, we're the monkeys
00:51:55And people say we monkey around
00:51:59But we're too busy singing
00:52:01To put anybody down
00:52:06Who's the best?
00:52:07You're the toughest, yeah?
00:52:09You're the toughest.
00:52:12Don't turn your fucking going, you stupid prick.
00:52:16Sorry, sisters.
00:52:20I'm tired.
00:52:21I believe I will stop running.
00:52:30Everything's gonna be fine.
00:52:32Great!
00:52:32Now the fucking cops are after us!
00:52:35What do you mean?
00:52:35What happened?
00:52:37That fat chick with the magnum and the Cleopatra hairdo
00:52:40Started taking punch on them!
00:52:41What?
00:52:42Holy shit!
00:52:43I threw that fucking penguin right out of my hands!
00:52:45I think she got a piece of my ear.
00:52:47What happened to the car?
00:52:48Fuck the car!
00:52:49What about these outfits, huh?
00:52:51I got powder burns on my windfall
00:52:53And you both got blood all over yours!
00:52:55Relax!
00:52:56I swept these fucking habits
00:52:57From the dressing room at my kid's school
00:52:59They're doing a fucking benefit tonight, I think
00:53:01And you can't do a production of the sound of music
00:53:04Without fucking habits!
00:53:06Where's Frankie's car?
00:53:07Fuck Frankie!
00:53:08Fuck this whole fucking stupid plan!
00:53:11Shit!
00:53:12Fuck!
00:53:12Somebody ratted us out.
00:53:14Did you see who that was?
00:53:14That fat chick with the gun?
00:53:16Yeah.
00:53:17Yeah!
00:53:18That was Montello's wife!
00:53:20Montello's fucking gun-toting, nun-shooting wife!
00:53:22You said you had this covered
00:53:24How'd you find out about this, huh?
00:53:25I don't know!
00:53:26I don't know!
00:53:27One of us is not a stripper
00:53:31One of us is a lying bitch
00:53:34Who's fucking Montello
00:53:35And now she's fucking all of us
00:53:37Who are you calling a bitch, you fucking who?
00:53:39You couldn't table dance your way out of a paper bag!
00:53:43Fucking mother fucker!
00:53:45Hey!
00:53:45Sister Betrayal, relax!
00:53:47She said I...
00:53:47I know what she said!
00:53:49And I said relax, put the gun away
00:53:51I said put the gun away!
00:53:56I could win a fucking noble prize for table dancing
00:54:01Everybody's got to keep their head
00:54:02Now what happened to Sister Sister and Sister Sledge?
00:54:05I don't know!
00:54:06I didn't stick around to find out!
00:54:09Fucking bullshit!
00:54:11We didn't even get the fucking money!
00:54:12We'll get the fucking money!
00:54:14Oh, Candy
00:54:14I feel dizzy
00:54:16You told her your name?
00:54:19I can't believe you told her your fucking name
00:54:21She's bleeding to death
00:54:22What the fuck was I supposed to do?
00:54:24What happened to the plan, huh?
00:54:27No names, no worries!
00:54:29I had to improvise, okay?
00:54:31Yeah, well, your plan sucks!
00:54:34This whole nothing was fucked to begin with!
00:54:38I don't want to be Sister Betrayal
00:54:40I'll be Betrayal
00:54:41Great
00:54:41No!
00:54:42There's no switching names
00:54:44Your Sister Betrayal?
00:54:45Or you're out of here!
00:54:47Hey, Liz Taylor!
00:54:50You mind?
00:54:51This is a private meeting
00:54:52Oh, sorry, sisters
00:54:55Fucking penguins
00:54:56Maybe she knew all along
00:54:58Somebody had to tip her off
00:54:59I think it was Sister Sledge
00:55:03Speak of the devil!
00:55:05Who called the cops?
00:55:06We don't know!
00:55:07We think somebody's trying to fuck us up
00:55:09Yeah, well, they're doing a good job
00:55:11Sorry!
00:55:12I think I smell a rat
00:55:14Sure you don't mean a bat?
00:55:16Sister Bat-trill
00:55:17Why don't you close those scrawny little legs
00:55:19Give us all a break
00:55:20You're the one that tipped off Montel
00:55:22You fucking bitch!
00:55:24I got a tip for you
00:55:25You scrawny piece of trash
00:55:27You best back off Ice Mocha
00:55:28Before she tears you a whole new hole
00:55:30To shake at your customers
00:55:31Oh, yeah!
00:55:32You bitch!
00:55:33Oh, yeah!
00:55:33Fuck you!
00:55:34And you should say your name, you asshole!
00:55:36You fucked up!
00:55:37I got another!
00:55:39Sister Sledge is cool
00:55:40I picked her myself
00:55:42She hates Montello more than any of us
00:55:44How do we know it's not you, Bat-trill?
00:55:48You're the one who's running around
00:55:49Pointing all the fingers
00:55:50What the fuck you talking about?
00:55:53I supplied the fucking costumes
00:55:55Oh, yeah?
00:55:57Well, I've never seen you strip
00:55:58I ain't even seen a pasty
00:56:00Yeah
00:56:01And them mosquito bites of yours
00:56:03Certainly ain't the tits of an exotic dancer
00:56:05Show us your tits!
00:56:07Yeah, bitch!
00:56:07Yeah!
00:56:08Where'd you get this one, Sister Mary?
00:56:10I didn't
00:56:11She came to me
00:56:15Don't you fucking fuck with me!
00:56:18It's been you who's been fucking with us all this time
00:56:21Drop the gun, Bat-trill
00:56:23Make her drop it first
00:56:25Latch, this ain't the way
00:56:28Back off, Candy
00:56:28Don't pull that mother superior crap with me
00:56:31Put it down, Sledge!
00:56:33It's for Tri...
00:56:33I know it
00:56:34You sit the fuck out of this, Sister Ruth
00:56:39Go ahead, you bloody bitch
00:56:41Let me finish ya
00:57:00Would you shut up?
00:57:01We're trying to shoot a fucking movie in here
00:57:03The fucking script would ever get here
00:57:06Enough with that cappuccino
00:57:07Enough with that fucking cappuccino
00:57:23And in the world of federation tag team wrestling
00:57:26A fatal upset last night
00:57:27As Nicky and Valerie Cox
00:57:28Defeated
00:57:29And inadvertently killed the famed tag team wrestling champions
00:57:32The Brothers McMullen
00:57:34The pair escaped
00:57:35And are currently being sought to answer
00:57:37To three separate charges
00:57:38Of criminal manslaughter
00:57:39In other news
00:57:42Woo-hoo!
00:57:43Three's my lucky number, baby
00:57:45Old Montella never knew what hit him
00:57:48Oh
00:57:50Oh, that's it, baby
00:57:52Oh, yeah
00:57:54Bring that booty over here, baby
00:57:58Ow!
00:57:59Ow!
00:58:00You don't fucking help me or nothing
00:58:03So what are you saying?
00:58:04A man can't pull a piece of melted wax off a bitch's face without it meaning something?
00:58:07What I'm saying is Mimi's mustache is between Mimi and Montello
00:58:11Mm-hmm
00:58:12Now let's just suppose you and this Mimi go out to a fancy restaurant
00:58:14All right
00:58:14The bitch orders eggs Florentine
00:58:16Got it
00:58:17She gets a piece of spinach caught on her upper lip
00:58:18You mean to tell me you wouldn't help her?
00:58:21Spinach and pubic hair ain't the same thing
00:58:23Man, what you talking pubic hair, man?
00:58:24This ain't no fucking pubic hair, motherfucker
00:58:26Pulling a piece of wax off a person's face ain't shit
00:58:29I used to shave my mother's back before they sent her off to the asylum
00:58:32Really?
00:58:34Hey, you ever shave a guy's back?
00:58:37Does prison count?
00:58:38Outside of prison
00:58:42Fuck you
00:58:42Huh? Have you?
00:58:44Fuck you
00:58:46Our star is on the rise, Nikki
00:58:48We are surrounded by angels that are converging on this moment in, um, time
00:58:55To help us realize our destiny
00:58:57You're just a tree in motion, baby
00:59:01I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as Nikki
00:59:12Um, baby, um, you know, I can't wait till tomorrow
00:59:17Why don't we just pack our stuff and go look for Gulliver Stone now?
00:59:23Sweet little Nikki
00:59:24You're just a murdering fool, aren't you?
00:59:29Alright
00:59:29Let's do it!
00:59:34It's Montello
00:59:35We're gonna fucking die
00:59:36We're gonna fucking die
00:59:38Would you shut the fuck up?
00:59:40Get off!
00:59:41Who is it?
00:59:43Exterminator
00:59:45Did you call the exterminator?
00:59:47Uh, well, I saw that big spider again, maybe
00:59:49We're on the lam, Nikki
00:59:51We can't have nobody snooping around in here
00:59:53You stupid bitch
00:59:54Well, what are we gonna fucking do?
00:59:55Come on, you two honeymooners
00:59:56Get your gun
00:59:57Let him in out of the hallway
00:59:59Before somebody calls the fucking cops
01:00:18We could hear it
01:00:19No need to be brand like a mule
01:00:21You just caught me and Nikki here in the middle of some real important business
01:00:25Ain't that right, baby?
01:00:27That's right, baby
01:00:27Real important business
01:00:30So I guess you'll have to come back some other time
01:00:34Alrighty, let's go
01:00:35Wait a second, Kato
01:00:38So you're asking us to reschedule?
01:00:40She ain't asking you nothing, spray boy
01:00:44I'm telling you
01:00:47Now pick up your fucking bug cans and get out!
01:00:51Does this seem familiar to anybody?
01:00:54Hmm, deja vu
01:00:55I didn't ask you a goddamn thing!
01:00:59You are standing in the way of the working man
01:01:01So?
01:01:02So, so my ass, Uncle Fester
01:01:05So
01:01:06So a needle and a thread
01:01:08La
01:01:09A note to follow motherfucking so
01:01:12T
01:01:13The letter in the alphabet I use to describe the way I square off in your motherfucking ass
01:01:18Which brings us back to
01:01:21So
01:01:22I thought that was dope
01:01:25So
01:01:26Get you the point, bug man
01:01:28The point is
01:01:29Is that me and my partner here
01:01:31We represent the plight of the righteous working man
01:01:33We are here to do our job
01:01:36And we take orders from one person
01:01:38Our boss
01:01:39Montello
01:01:40Oh shit, baby, that worked for Montello
01:01:42This is so bad
01:01:44Well do something, baby
01:01:45Come on
01:01:46Give me this, you hairy armpit face
01:01:48Shoot them, Vicky, shoot them
01:02:01You're a lousy shot
01:02:03Well, my glasses fogged up, baby
01:02:05Grab everything, we are leaving now
01:02:11Nicky, baby
01:02:13Where's Montello's briefcase?
01:02:16It's there
01:02:18I don't see it
01:02:19No, I put it on the dresser underneath your copy of Extra Chromosome Magazine
01:02:24Well, here's the magazine, but I don't see no briefcase
01:02:28Well, did you look for it?
01:02:29Of course I looked
01:02:30What do you think I'm doing here?
01:02:33Are you sure you brought it?
01:02:35I'm sure
01:02:38You don't sound sure
01:02:41I'm pretty sure
01:02:43Well, either you're sure or you're not
01:02:46So which is it?
01:02:50I'm not sure
01:02:53God damn it, Nicky
01:02:55You are bad, bad, bad, bad, bad
01:02:59Well, if you hadn't have made a stop for pancakes after the match
01:03:03No, no
01:03:04Don't you blame this on me
01:03:06God
01:03:08Wait a minute
01:03:12Pancakes
01:03:15I left it in the booth at the diner
01:03:18Well, get your gun
01:03:19We're going back
01:03:21Well, our story's all over the news now
01:03:26Great
01:03:28Let's go back and write them another chapter
01:03:31And that goes for every last motherfucking one of you
01:03:37And that goes for every last motherfucking one of you
01:03:43Get down already
01:03:43Jesus
01:03:47Yo, bro
01:03:48It's the brown billfold
01:03:49I know which one it is
01:03:51Bro, how'd you know which one it was?
01:03:54Because it's the one that says
01:03:55Cheap motherfucker on it
01:03:56If the shoe fits, bro
01:04:00And don't bother coming back
01:04:02Till you learn how to tip
01:04:04Hello
01:04:05I'm Priscilla
01:04:06Queen of the desserts
01:04:08We know we were here last night
01:04:10Don't you ever go home, Fruit Bowl?
01:04:12I'm working a double
01:04:14Whatever
01:04:16Listen
01:04:19Piehead
01:04:19We left a briefcase
01:04:22Never mind her, Nicky
01:04:26I've already found it
01:04:27Oh, well, looky here, Valerie
01:04:29Some over-caffeinated patron
01:04:31Of this fine dining establishment
01:04:33Has located our briefcase for us
01:04:35Hand over the briefcase, Java girl
01:04:37Before we decide to decaffeinate you
01:04:39You two skinheads take one more stuff
01:04:41And I'll blow your fucking white trash heads off
01:04:44You don't know who we are?
01:04:46No
01:04:48Damn that Gulliver Stone
01:04:49Say your prayers, coffee breath
01:04:52I'm gonna fill you so full of lead
01:04:53You'll look like a number two pencil fucker
01:04:57Oh, damn it, Nicky
01:04:59Oh, shit, baby
01:05:00Look, I fucked up
01:05:01I didn't put the bullets in the gun
01:05:02You stupid bitch
01:05:05Prepare to meet your maker
01:05:07Maybe he'll know who the fuck you are
01:05:17Holy shit, it's that spray boy
01:05:19What the fuck's he doing with your gun, baby?
01:05:22I'm in a transitional period
01:05:23Thanks to both of y'all's lousy-ass aim
01:05:25Now hand over the briefcase
01:05:28Jesus Christ, baby
01:05:29Oh, this is so bad
01:05:30No, no, no, fuck it
01:05:32I'm gonna give it to him
01:05:32Don't give it to him, Nicky
01:05:34The briefcase is ours
01:05:35He's gonna put a bullet in Kojak's fucking ass
01:05:38If he don't hand over the briefcase
01:05:39Let's go
01:05:39Do something, baby
01:05:40Do something
01:05:41Don't you touch him, bug man
01:05:43Or you're gonna fucking die and die and die again
01:05:46Oh, I'm gonna wet myself
01:05:47Tell Yule Brenner to chill
01:05:50Tell him
01:05:51Chill, you, Brenner
01:05:54Tell him to be cool
01:05:55Tell him to be cool
01:05:57Say it
01:05:59Be cool, Nicky
01:06:01I'm going number two
01:06:02That's it, I'm just going
01:06:03That is so gross
01:06:06Yeah, Nicky
01:06:06That's right
01:06:07We're all gonna be like little Vinnie Barbarinos
01:06:09And what was Vinnie Barbarino?
01:06:11Wise ass
01:06:13Well, all of the sweaters were wise asses
01:06:14But they all had their own distinct characteristic
01:06:16Like Horshack
01:06:17He was a nerd
01:06:18And Boom Boom Washington
01:06:20He was very suave
01:06:21He was also in Cooley High
01:06:22I ain't seen him in shit since
01:06:24I know
01:06:24What happened to him?
01:06:26I loved him
01:06:26You're so good in that
01:06:27You know, he did go on to do a television movie
01:06:29He played Michael Jackson's father
01:06:30He was very good
01:06:31He doesn't work enough
01:06:31Hey, what was Vinnie Barbarino like?
01:06:35Cool?
01:06:36That's right
01:06:36He was cool
01:06:37So we all gonna have to just be cool
01:06:40Or Buffy and Jody get a couple of bullets in their motherfucking ass
01:06:42Now open up the briefcase
01:06:46We'll open it
01:06:47But we own what's inside
01:06:56It's an original
01:06:57It's classic
01:07:00Well, what is it?
01:07:02Oh, it's a Welcome Back Cotter lunchbox
01:07:06Very rare
01:07:07Very hard to find
01:07:08And little yellow glowy things
01:07:10But the box is in mid-condition
01:07:12And we know we can get a pretty penny for it
01:07:15You damn right
01:07:16There's a lot of money in that box
01:07:19That's why we're keeping the box
01:07:21We're keeping the box
01:07:23Oh, you can have the box
01:07:24You and Mr. Penishead
01:07:25I'm just gonna help myself
01:07:26To what's inside of it
01:07:35Like I said
01:07:36There's a lot of money in that lunchbox
01:07:38You can have that shit now
01:07:40But let me tell you
01:07:41It ain't worth a damn thing without the thermos
01:07:44Are you flirting with me?
01:07:46Oh, shit!
01:07:55Now
01:07:57With the exception of a few silverfish in the men's room
01:08:00This restaurant is now vermin-free
01:08:05Here's for the pancakes
01:08:07If the police stop by
01:08:09You just tell them that this restaurant
01:08:11Has been exterminated
01:08:15You can turn it up
01:08:17You can turn it up
01:08:51You can turn it up
01:09:13Come on, come on
01:09:14Come on, Bunny
01:09:15Answer the fucking phone
01:09:30How'd you go on, you fucking dweeb?
01:09:34Houston, we have a problem
01:09:38Will somebody help him with the fucking script?
01:10:08Mail-free, mail-got-jawed
01:10:11Now we're gonna feed you
01:10:11Film
01:10:15What'd you say?
01:10:17Nobody knows
01:10:18Nobody cares
01:10:19She works for free
01:10:20Makes a hell of a cappuccino
01:10:21Nice job
01:10:22It's gonna be a hell of a cappuccino
01:10:24I don't know
01:10:27It's gonna be a good job
01:10:37It's gonna be a good job
01:10:51that's so mainstream as long as it's bloody and violent
01:10:56Maxwell we're gonna shoot this
01:10:58I have another script I'm planning to drop
01:11:08how do you feel now
01:11:13fabuloso
01:11:20let's run for the border
01:11:30I'm in the mood for some fried chicken
01:11:32give me the wheel
01:11:33give me the wheel
01:11:36damn don't you stop me
01:11:39come on
01:11:49where did you come from baby
01:11:54how did you know I needed you
01:11:58how did you know I needed you so badly
01:12:02how did you know I'd give my heart gladly
01:12:15give me your hand
01:12:16no one's gonna die here
01:12:17you give me your hand
01:12:18no one's gonna die
01:12:19maybe over there someone's gonna die
01:12:21but no one's gonna die here
01:12:25alright and she gets a piece of spinach caught on her lip
01:12:27you mean to tell me you ain't gonna help her
01:12:29spinach and pubic hair ain't the same thing
01:12:31man what the fuck you talking pubic hair
01:12:33cut it cut it cut it
01:12:36keep going guys keep going
01:12:37I'm gonna focus now
01:12:38bring it back
01:12:39motherfucker what do you stop
01:12:40if you don't care
01:12:40that don't mean shit
01:12:42come on
01:12:43I can't even tell you something
01:12:45cut it back to life
01:12:46come on
01:12:47fucking
01:12:51did you know
01:12:52you're everything I prayed for
01:12:55did you know
01:12:56every night and day for
01:12:58every day
01:13:00needing love and satisfaction
01:13:02now you're lying next to me
01:13:05giving it to me
01:13:07giving it to me
01:13:08I believe in miracles
01:13:11praise God
01:13:12you sex a flame
01:13:15sex a flame
01:13:17here's De Niro and Frankenstein
01:13:19did you fuck my bride
01:13:20did you fuck my bride
01:13:22I think you did
01:13:23you've been fucking my bride
01:13:25huh
01:13:26well you're a lousy shot
01:13:28my glasses fogged up baby
01:13:30I was thinking
01:13:31go ahead
01:13:32me
01:13:32grab everything we are leaving now
01:13:38shit shit shit
01:13:39pumpkin
01:13:40visit Sound of the Warehouse
01:13:42at La Bray in Washington
01:13:43right away
01:13:43okay
01:13:44and this time
01:13:50and this time
01:13:51don't screw it up
01:13:53smoking
01:14:20I'd like to sing
01:14:24a few songs
01:14:25for you
01:14:26my rendition
01:14:29a Christmas song
01:14:30brings
01:14:33memories
01:14:34but our story's all over
01:14:35in the news
01:14:37good
01:14:38let's go back
01:14:39and write them
01:14:48I'm a human being
01:14:50I'm a human being
01:14:51I'm a human being
01:14:53I'm your good man
01:14:55that's what I am
01:14:57I'm here to do
01:14:59whatever I can
01:15:01be it early morning
01:15:03late after night
01:15:05or at midnight
01:15:07it's like you said
01:15:09you wanna be
01:15:10I wanna keep you
01:15:13I wanna do it all
01:15:15all for you
01:15:17I wanna be your
01:15:19be your rubber ball
01:15:21I wanna be the one
01:15:23you know what
01:15:24you know how they
01:15:24in the cartoons
01:15:25and the commercials
01:15:26they got those little
01:15:27shells covering their breasts
01:15:28right
01:15:28they had nothing
01:15:30yeah just those
01:15:31surf and turf titties
01:15:32hanging out
01:15:32in the Disney daylight
01:15:33get out of town babe
01:15:35you gotta be kidding me
01:15:36you know they do that
01:15:37in Vegas
01:15:38just nothing up top man
01:15:39it's heavy
01:15:40I can only see it
01:15:41with one eye though babe
01:15:43slowly
01:15:44I'd pull a cream puff
01:15:45out of my cleavage
01:15:47and then I'd eat it
01:15:50gotta pull out
01:15:50from my UUs
01:15:59two big runny handfuls
01:16:01of peach cobbler
01:16:02I wanna take you
01:16:04don't want to go to
01:16:06I wanna take my home
01:16:08all to you
01:16:12cut
01:16:12clear
01:16:14keep quiet
01:16:15enjoy
01:16:15nothing
01:16:15I'm a man
01:16:16here
01:16:16where I am
01:16:18oh yeah
01:16:22I'm a boogie man
01:16:24I'm a boogie man
01:16:25turn me off
01:16:27I'm a boogie man
01:16:28I'm a boogie man
01:16:29I took a lot of war
01:16:31I'm a boogie man
01:16:32I'm a boogie man
01:16:33turn me off
01:16:35I'm a boogie man
01:16:36I'm a boogie man
01:16:37I'll do what you want
01:16:39I'm your boogie man
01:16:40that's what I am
01:16:42I'm bitter to
01:16:44hello
01:16:45I'm Priscilla
01:16:47queen of the deserts
01:16:48we know
01:16:49we were here last night
01:16:50don't you ever go home
01:16:52fruity
01:16:52I'm working a double
01:16:54whatever
01:16:56listen
01:16:59pumpkin head
01:17:01big lips
01:17:02pie head
01:17:04fat lips
01:17:05pie head
01:17:08juicy
01:17:10we had this briefcase
01:17:19stay cool
01:17:20and open up a briefcase
01:17:23we'll open it
01:17:24but we
01:17:24cut
01:17:25all right
01:17:44I love you
01:17:50That's what I am
01:17:52I can't do
01:17:55Whatever I can
01:17:56Be in the world
01:17:57Fa-la-la-la-la
01:17:59La-la-la-la
01:17:59I'm Jimin
01:18:01What?
01:18:02Christmas
01:18:02This guy sucks
01:18:04Excuse me
01:18:05Whoa
01:18:06Where are you going?
01:18:08We're leaving
01:18:08Yeah, we're coming
01:18:09Excuse me
01:18:09You don't like my singing?
01:18:10You suck
01:18:11Fuck you, asshole
01:18:15Hair up in a bun
01:18:16Your titties just hanging out
01:18:17You better believe
01:18:18I love it, babe
01:18:19Used to do that
01:18:20With Italian chicks in Vegas
01:18:22Lost my marble over it
01:18:24I'm your booze man
01:18:28I'm your booze man
01:18:33I'm your booze man
01:18:36I'm your booze man
01:18:38I'm your booze man
01:18:41I'm your booze man
01:18:44Woo!
01:18:53This has been one long, mixed up, crazy out of sequence kind of day
01:19:01I'm your booze man
01:19:01I'm your booze man
01:19:01I'm your booze man
01:19:02I'm your booze man
01:19:02I'm your booze man
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