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00:14Good evening, happy Easter, out of the strongest possible terms, hello.
00:24Now, I know some of you were disappointed by my speech on Wednesday, while others of you
00:31did not watch it. For those who missed it, here's a summary. You didn't miss much. And
00:40honestly, I'm kicking meself. I let you down. But everyone deserves a second chance. Peter
00:49Mandelson's had four or five, with many more to come. So allow me to try again.
00:59The conflict in the Middle East has entered its second month, but I can assure you we are
01:06working at pace towards a de-escalation. And the pace we are working at is leisurely. I
01:15know that due to this war, Britons are already struggling. Not only in England, but also
01:22in the top bit, and the side bits as well. Life is getting harder. And furthermore, goodbye.
01:40Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. I'm told there's a second page to my speech. Oh, that's right.
01:51The inspiring part. Look. I know I'm not inspiring. When I applied to join the Samaritans, I brought
02:03the vibe down so much that the interviewer called the Samaritans. So I've asked some Britons
02:10that people actually like to help me put a pep in your step. First up, England legend,
02:18Harry Kane.
02:30Yeah, cheers. Nice one, gaffer. Harry, why don't you give the nation one of your rousing
02:36team talks?
02:38Yeah, obviously. The Strait of Hormuz is a really amazing war way. Always said that.
02:50But yeah, you know, at the end of the day, you know, Iran, they're sold in attack. You
02:56know, sold in defence. Yeah, good at set pieces too. So yeah, you just got to take it one war
03:03at a time and, er, yeah. Yeah, it's going to be nice. Thank you, Harry. Next up, a Briton
03:18with a smile that could light up a room, which could be useful when the power runs out. Film
03:32out. Oh, hello. Gosh, this is a bit sexy, isn't it? Blirting with Iran and playing with
03:39oil. Next thing you know, then there's an energy shortage or the power is off and we're
03:44snogging in the dark. Shhh, shhh. Aren't I naughty? Thanks, Olivia. Love the enthusiasm. Our
03:54final speaker combines two of my greatest interests. Outstanding British television and pork.
04:03It's Peppa Pig. Cheer us up, Peppa. Thank you, Daddy-care. Life is hell, but it doesn't last
04:19long and soon the sadness will end. Thanks, Peppa. You're very different from how you seem on
04:27the telly. And you're very similar. Well, there you have it. Big thanks to Britain's
04:35Big Three, Harry Cade, MBE, Olivia Colman, CBE, and Peppa Pig, P-I-G-P. Oh, no. Here
04:46come for power cuts. Fend for yourselves, everyone. Olivia Colman's trying to kiss me. And live
04:52from London, it's Saturday night! It's Saturday Night Live! It's Saturday Night Live! With...
05:23Larry Dean!
05:25Larry Dean!
05:30Celeste Briggs!
05:36George Moreacres!
05:42Andia Magliano!
05:50Annabelle Marlowe!
05:55Anabelle Marlowe!
05:56...
05:59...
06:00...
06:00...
06:00...
06:01...
06:05...
06:06...
06:06And the CD...
06:13Paddy Young!
06:20Musical guest, Kasabian!
06:26And your host, Riz Ahmed!
06:39Ladies and gentlemen, Riz Ahmed!
06:55Yes, yes, yes! Thank you, thank you so much!
07:01Wow! Hello, my name is Riz Ahmed and it is an absolute honour to be hosting SNLUK!
07:14Now, I'm an actor, I'm a writer, I'm a producer and I'm a rapper.
07:20So for those of you who don't know who I am, clearly neither do I.
07:26I'm working it out. Mostly I'm an actor, you know, and contrary to popular belief, I don't just play intense
07:33roles.
07:34Okay, I also do some, like, family feel-good stuff. Like, for example, do you guys know Sound of Music?
07:41Sound of Music? Why do you all know Sound of Music?
07:43I did a film just like that called Sound of Metal.
07:46It's almost exactly the same. It's about a musician who's slowly going deaf and he's a heroin addict who lives
07:52in a van.
07:53Just like Sound of Music and it's feel-good because you're not him.
07:58But seriously, I've done some comedies as well. Some of you might have seen a film I did called Four
08:02Lions.
08:05Thank you, man.
08:07That's what I'm saying. It's a feel-good movie about characters you can really root for.
08:14Christmas movie.
08:15But I actually have just created and released my own comedy. It's called Bait.
08:22It's just come out. Thank you. Thank you, man.
08:27It's about an out-of-work actor auditioning to be James Bond.
08:32And the character is going through an identity crisis.
08:34And if you're wondering why I made a comedy about someone having an identity crisis, look at me, man.
08:40I'm confused.
08:42It's not my fault. I grew up in Wembley.
08:45But I went to Oxford University and that's why I sound like this.
08:52Like a mix between Stormzy and Rishi Sunak.
08:57We've actually all got a track together on my next album.
08:59It's called Oiru Boy Shut Up. This is The Quiet Carriage.
09:04It's a bang.
09:06But, you know, I actually feel that even this show is having an identity crisis in a way.
09:11You know, we're three episodes in and your hosts have been American, Irish and me.
09:17Don't worry. Next week, you know, we're going to have one of the nation's most prominent Asian comedians, Jack Whitehall.
09:24You know what I mean?
09:25You've seen how much he goes on holiday with his parents, man.
09:28That's so Asian. That's so Asian.
09:31Don't worry, Jack. Your secret is safe with me. Asalaamu Alaikum, brother.
09:36Sometimes I feel like the whole nation's having this identity crisis and that's why we're so divided, right?
09:41We're divided over politics, over the climate, over the Beckhams.
09:46But I think that I know how to solve it.
09:49I think I can solve Britain's identity crisis.
09:51I think there's one thing that unites us all.
09:54In essence, what makes us British is, we like it when things are a little bit crap.
10:03Not totally crap.
10:05Just a little bit crap, you know? We like that. We like it.
10:09We like giving, thank you, yes.
10:11We like giving crap compliments, you know?
10:16Someone says, he's a bit of a character. That means you're a knob.
10:19You know? And we like sports that are a bit crap.
10:24Cricket can go on for five days and still be a draw.
10:28And we like giving gifts that are a bit crap.
10:31You know, like original sauce, mint and tea tree shower gel.
10:35My balls feel like they're in Siberia.
10:39Thank you for that, auntie, by the way.
10:42We celebrate when things are a bit crap.
10:45We literally cheer when someone drops their pint glass in the pub.
10:50That's the best of Britain.
10:52We like it when things are a little bit crap.
10:58That's right.
10:59So we've got a great show for you today.
11:06Really great show. Actually, no, we genuinely have a fantastic show.
11:10It's very un-British of us.
11:11We've got Kasabian here.
11:13It's going to be a banger.
11:15Stick around and watch this.
11:37A lot of people in TV and movies always have their phones on loud.
11:42I've never met a Gen Z girl who has her phone on loud.
11:47People's phones big in every situation.
11:50And no one ever has their own vibration.
11:53A lot of people in TV and movies always have their phones on loud.
11:57Eat a school face in a phone-free place.
12:00Sharing a clip of a girl on her face.
12:02Beat Beat Beat, she's looking around for flex.
12:05How come she's the only one who didn't get the test?
12:07A man walks into a corporate space after committing a hated sex crime.
12:12He's clearly done.
12:14Very bad thing.
12:15He's Gail and Campbell and the phones go dang.
12:20Calling all the texts come at once.
12:23All the phones are going off at once.
12:25Calling him a slut and he's a dirty dog.
12:27Every single phone's going crazy for all.
12:30A lot of people in TV and movies always have their phones on loud.
12:35I still understand the scene without the very loud text and sound.
12:40Every text is expositional.
12:43Hey Dad, can you pick me up?
12:45Now that Mom's dead?
12:47I'll be autositional.
12:49Let me just search that up on the Glinkle app.
12:57Ooh.
12:59Why does FaceTime never look right?
13:01Why does your house have studio lights?
13:04And how the hell is that the first text message that you've ever sent to your wife?
13:11Well, while we're here...
13:13A lot of cops dating TV and movies only have co-workers at their personal events.
13:18It's your 58th birthday telling me none of your family went.
13:23There's only other cops at your house.
13:25Clearly no one wants to come to your house.
13:28It's just collies on your wedding day.
13:30And you've also got a collie for a spouse.
13:33One, two, yee-haw!
13:34Why is everything in TV and movies?
13:36Not how it is in real life?
13:38iPhone's been waterproof since 2016.
13:41Why'd you put it in rice?
13:42And people answer the phone while they're having sex.
13:45The phone, the car, Bluetooth always connects.
13:47CEOs live email notifications and the phone contacts include relations.
13:51The calls are always so fast-paced.
13:53iPhones have an Android in your face.
13:55The answer I've never seen you all before.
13:57Make a confidential call at the Apple store.
13:59But mostly it's the way TV and films all sound.
14:06With all the phones all alone.
14:09All the phones all alone.
14:11So sort it out.
14:16Wait, Mom, slow down.
14:18Jason, my brother, your son, has been arrested?
14:21Okay, don't panic.
14:23I'll order a goober there.
14:52That's insane.
14:54a whopping £4,250 to the prize fund. But now it's time for the faithfuls to return
15:02to the round table. Can they uncover who amongst them is a great big crab man?
15:16I'd like to start. This experience has been amazing. But at the end of the day, we need
15:22to find the great big crab man. But there's someone here I just don't trust. And that person
15:31is. It's yourself, Imran. Great, we're doing this again. I know I was wrong about Kaya,
15:42Mechel and Effie. But I have a feeling I just can't shake. But I'm obviously not a great
15:55big crab man. To be fair, that is exactly what a great big crab man would say. Okay, I'm
16:05just going to come out and say, why is nobody looking at Sebastian?
16:12Whoa, whoa, whoa. I've only got two 100% not a great big crab man's. And it's myself and
16:20Sebastian. Look at him, bro. He's a flipping crab. See, getting defensive like that, it only
16:28makes you look more like a great big crab man. Okay, okay. What about today's challenge?
16:3530 seconds. You've got this. Go towards it. What's wrong with you, man? Just go forwards.
16:46Imran, he told us his ankles only work sideways. Everybody knows he's trying to win the money
16:52to pay for an ankle, doctor. Okay, fine. So why was he acting so weird at breakfast?
16:58Because he's tired. He can only sleep in a bucket of fresh water for medical reasons.
17:04Can I just say, I'm actually feeling really uncomfortable by the energy in the room tonight.
17:08To be fair to Imran, to be fair to Imran, all I've seen Sebastian eat is algae, seaweed and
17:14invertebrates. And for me, that's suspicious. The time for talk is over. Now, it's time to vote.
17:38Time's up. Enormous good luck, everyone. I'm sorry. It is what it is. Sorry, girl.
17:52Imran. Imran, I'm so sorry. Love you, man. Imran, you have received the most votes. Would
18:08you like to join me, please?
18:16Listen, yeah. I've had an amazing time. It's been an incredible journey and I've made
18:21friends for life, but there's something there in my heart and I've got to come out and say
18:26it. I'm obviously not a great big crab man, you idiot. Imran out.
18:37What the hell are you playing at? You've just voted off another not a great big crab man. And
18:47the real great big crab man is still out there laughing at you. Okay. Okay, I'm just gonna
18:54see it. There's someone who is slipping under the radar. At tomorrow's round table, the person
19:01I'll be looking at. Hey, hey, hey, hey. I'll pack my box.
19:18Okay. Hey. You're really good. Operation. Isn't that a game for like six-year-olds? Okay. Why
19:34cool? Okay, that was a warm-up. You can leave it, babe. No, no, no. It's fine. It's easy. Babe.
19:49Come to bed. Yeah. Yeah. One minute. Kids, get in the car. Mummy will be there in a sec. Are
20:01you coming or not? Are you coming? We're cutting the cake. It's just a game. It's not just a
20:30game. It literally is. It says it on the box. It's six plus. Stop looking at me.
20:47I can't take it anymore. We're leaving. Hey. I lifted it clean.
21:02I'm coming. So I'm there, just fully committed, waving at them, grinning like an idiot and
21:13walked straight past me. Oh, no. I just felt like such a plum. Oh, I've missed this. I've
21:20I've missed you.
21:23It's not all fun.
21:25Help! Help!
21:26Is there a doctor in the house?
21:27One of our diners has come outside.
21:29Are you serious?
21:42I'm right.
21:44Look at this.
21:45Honey, are you sure about this?
21:49Everybody stand back.
21:57Give me those.
22:00What are you?
22:05I'm going to the bread basket.
22:08What the?
22:10God help me!
22:12God help me!
22:14God help me!
22:16Let's go!
22:18God help me!
22:21God help me!
22:47I'm going to the bread and bread.
22:49I'm going to the bread and bread.
22:49This is OG FM coming at you.
22:52Old classics for old heads.
22:54It's all 90s music all the time.
22:57And we mean all the time.
22:59When we want to talk,
23:00we just turn it up, turn it down very slightly.
23:04On the decks you've got MC Twister, DJ Tolera and me, Lady Magnum, Pink Lemonade
23:09And yes, all our names are types of ice cream
23:14Coincidence
23:17If you remember these tunes from back in the day, then you are old
23:21Shout out to my middle-aged brothers and sisters
23:24Nostalgia, coming at ya
23:28Alright, alright, so tonight we've got some real talk for all you over 50s
23:33Prostate cancer
23:34Real serious, but people don't talk about it because it's the butt one
23:39You should have a platform for good
23:41Alright, we've got a mad guest in the studio here to educate us
23:44It's Dr. Rishi
23:46Come on, big ups Dr. Rishi, looking sharp
23:49I appreciate that
23:52So, yeah, I mean, thanks for having me
23:56Alright, Doc, doctor, knowledge on us
23:58Yeah, sorry
23:59Sorry, yeah, well, prostate cancer is a condition that actually affects one in eight men
24:04Shout out to Michelle in SW5
24:07Going hard on the weekend
24:13What are you saying, Dr. Rishi?
24:14Right, yeah, um, yeah, so the prostate
24:16It's small gland that sits just behind the
24:20Shout out to Jane, the divorce is final
24:23She's back on the pill
24:25P-p-p-p-p-p-p-pill
24:28Hey, get away, Doc
24:29Hey, get away
24:30Okay, yeah, okay, suppose
24:32Well, you know, diet is very important
24:34Hey, yo, don't forget, Monday's a bank holiday
24:36Four-day week, four-day week
24:38What?
24:38You don't know
24:40Diet is something
24:41Tony Estrettum just put his dog down
24:43Prayers up for the poodle
24:46Diet is something
24:48He's done south and west
24:51Statistically around 55,000 new cases
24:54Okay, I was just trying to say
24:57Just before, just there with
24:59Diet is a good way to minimise your risk
25:01Reducing red meat is sensible
25:02You should think about swapping it out with an oily fish
25:05Perhaps a salmon or mackerel
25:06Hey, yo, pick up the North Sea
25:07Come on
25:10Can we stop?
25:12Please, I'm sorry, can we just stop?
25:13What's up, big man?
25:15Is there any way you could just stop the music
25:17Just for like a minute
25:18Because this is really sick
25:19Sorry, Doc, this is OGFM
25:20All 90s music all the time
25:22Literally, all the time
25:23Yes, my sister
25:24If you've got something important to say
25:25You've got to ride the beat
25:27What do you mean, ride the beat?
25:30Medical freestyle
25:30Off the dome
25:34Seriously?
25:35Yeah, I spent some wisdom, Dr. Rishi
25:36Yeah, tell the people what they've got to know
25:38Hippocratic oath
25:42Okay, okay, fine
25:44Fine, yeah, okay
25:44Um, prostate
25:47Prostate
25:49Check it
25:50Before it's too late
25:52Early detection is vital
25:54For your survival
25:57All right
25:57Turn my headphones up
26:04Up a bit more
26:06Yeah
26:06Don't hide away
26:08Get your PSA
26:09The blood test is best
26:09So don't delay
26:10No joking
26:11Stop smoking
26:12I'm thinking
26:13Less drinking
26:14Check your BMI
26:15If the number's high
26:16Then we'll make a plan
26:17Get your number right
26:17If you're older 50
26:18Got a family history
26:19And the flow is weak
26:20Then see your GP
26:21All my G's in the back
26:22Who are black
26:23Your risk is higher
26:24That's a fact
26:25Don't be brave
26:26Don't act like a trooper
26:27If you've got P's
26:28Don't wait for the future
26:28Just call Poofer
26:29Open a Uber
26:30Richie, happy birthday to ya
26:32And if this man in your P
26:34Call 111
26:35Dr. Rishi
26:36Dr. Rishi
26:45Yes
26:46Yes
26:47Yes
26:47Save it alive
26:48For the advice
26:49Dr. Rishi
26:50In the hole
26:51Yes
26:52Come on
27:07Ladies and gents
27:09It's Kasabian
27:26It's me as she goes
27:29It's me again alone
27:31I can't stop her voice
27:37Now it's you and me
27:40And I am lost for work
27:43I just keep on falling
27:47Watch me go
27:49I'm the gray
27:53Pretender
27:57Oh, baby
27:59Blow
28:01Now it's time for me
28:04You surrender
28:07You can dance again
28:09Dance again
28:11You can dance again
28:15Dance again
28:19I'm so good, baby
28:23Watch me as I go
28:26I live and make believe
28:28Hang on, here's me a call
28:34Where do you hide
28:35If you don't know
28:36Who you are
28:37But you love it
28:39And you're not the same
28:41So don't fear it now
28:44Watch me go
28:47I'm the gray
28:51Pretender
28:54Yeah, yeah
28:55Baby
28:56Baby
28:58Now it's time for me
29:01So when you go
29:04You can dance again
29:06Dance again
29:11Dance again
29:16Dance again
29:17Dance again
29:19Dance again
29:19I'm so good, baby
29:21I'm so good, baby
29:21Every day
29:22through you
29:22I'm Wilson
29:24And I'm so bad
29:28I'm justカンタ
29:30I'm so good
29:31Well, you gotta be
29:32portraying my
30:31Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Paddy Young.
30:36And I'm Anya Magliano.
30:41The war between Iran and the U.S. has entered its second month.
30:45Second month?
30:46Oh, it's starting to get serious.
30:51This week, a U.S. airstrike destroyed Iran's largest bridge.
30:55Responding to criticism for targeting civilian infrastructure, a senior U.S. military official said,
31:01Oh my God, we're so sorry. We thought it was a school.
31:10President Trump has criticised the U.K.'s Navy for being, quote, too old. Too old for Donald Trump? What is
31:17it? 18.
31:21Responding to Trump's claims that our Navy was old and outdated, one admiral said, I'm going to go there and
31:27give him a piece of my mind, just as soon as the wind picks up.
31:32It's true. The U.K. only has one submarine and half the crew are dead.
31:39Now, new data published by the NHS shows that in the last five years, referrals for body dysmorphia treatment have
31:47quadrupled.
31:48While they think they've quadrupled, they actually look fine.
31:57It's been revealed that meta-billionaire Mark Zuckerberg is building a bunker under his compound in California.
32:04And I hope he uses that bunker in exactly the same way Hitler did.
32:15In big media news, DJ Scott Mills was fired from his job at the BBC.
32:20This after police searched the Radio 2 presenter's hard drive and found over 100 terabytes of decent music.
32:28In the last two weeks, online phenomenon, Fruit Love Island, has taken the internet by storm.
32:35It's just like normal Love Island, but the twist?
32:37The contestants are AI-generated fruit.
32:40Yes, this is genuinely a real thing that millions of people are tuning into every day.
32:46Here to comment on this viral sensation is random, former, real Love Island contestant, Chloe Bibirinkle.
32:52Oh, no, no, no, it's so muggy. AI has nicked my job.
33:01It's taken me, a human, professional lady, years to perfect the art of shaking a cock under a bed sheet.
33:08Now, now people want to see a raspberry do it instead.
33:13Sorry, what is that you're doing with your hands?
33:16Oh, so I'm using the base of my thumbs to quell the flow of my tears.
33:20It's giving Kleenex.
33:24Which series were you in?
33:25Oh, yeah, I was in series 12 and three quarters, the villa in Djibouti.
33:31And what's it actually like to be on the show?
33:34Oh, my God, it's amazing.
33:35So, okay, imagine being trafficked, but in a nice way.
33:40Then imagine there's a pole, but none of us like to swim.
33:43Then imagine the memory of UK Garage.
33:46Then imagine getting a text.
33:47It was like that.
33:50And did you find love in the villa?
33:52Oh, yeah, I caught feels for Zebby Dee.
33:54But get this, week after we left, I found out he was in fact a Mirage due to my heat
33:59stroke.
34:01Sorry, but why do so much grafting when you're a Mirage?
34:07I'm sworn off Mirages now.
34:09Big dicks, though.
34:12Maybe it's for the best that you've been replaced with AI fruit.
34:15Like, with love and light, you don't seem well.
34:17Yeah, I'm moving spooky.
34:19I'm moving spooky.
34:21I was like, Anya, of course I would love to be a cherry with a fanny.
34:27Of course I would.
34:29But I have to accept that I'm a human woman with a brain.
34:33Like it or lump it.
34:34If the British public wants to see a peach cracking onto a tomato, then so be it.
34:39A tomato isn't a fruit, by the way.
34:41It is a fruit.
34:42Right, I'm not going in.
34:43I'm not going in.
34:44He's not worth it.
34:46Love Island Contestants.
34:49Peace, everybody.
34:54It's Easter.
34:58That's right, the time of year where we celebrate the only murdered Palestinian we're allowed to talk about.
35:12And over Easter, the NHS crisis continues.
35:20Keir Starmer, seen here describing his favourite shape of box, has been unable to convince doctors to call off their
35:29upcoming six-day strike.
35:31So, a gentle reminder that with no doctors on call, what goes up your butt will stay up your butt
35:37for the best part of a week.
35:39It will be the best part.
35:43According to a police report, at the scene of his car crash in Florida last week, Tiger Woods had two
35:48opioid pills in his pocket.
35:50Woods claimed he was only keeping them in his pocket because he'd run out of room in his bloodstream.
35:56The Artemis 2 mission has seen four NASA astronauts set off for the far side of the moon.
36:02And if you're wondering why they're so obsessed with the back of the moon, that's where the bum is.
36:09Inspired by the success of Artemis 2, Britain's space agency is planning to launch its own rocket to the moon.
36:15And it will, just as soon as the wind picks up.
36:20In lighter news this week, an adorable little door mouse was found dozing in an old helium balloon caught in
36:27a tree in Essex.
36:28Here to tell us about his big adventure is an adorable little door mouse.
36:36Hi guys, I'm adorable to be here.
36:40Oh, you're so cute.
36:42It is so wonderful to have you here, an adorable little door mouse.
36:46Cool, look at all these big scary cameras.
36:49Oh, it's okay, don't be intimidated.
36:51Okay, camera three, where you at?
36:52Camera three, where you at?
36:54Okay, camera three, you got me, girl?
36:57Hey, Vogue, I'm an adorable little door mouse and this one's in my bag.
37:04Okay, so up first, you just know it's a little buttercup that I sometimes wear as a hat.
37:11And next up, oh, I don't go anywhere without my Aesop hyaluronic face misdefence barrier.
37:17Shout out to Aesop.
37:20And up next, this one's kind of a little bit crazy and a bit freaky, but it's hot sauce.
37:26Sorry, are you just making content?
37:29I'm an influencer, Anya.
37:30My adorable story is blowing up and it's my time to shine.
37:34I'm only going to live for four years, Anya, and I'll spend three of those years hibernating.
37:38I've got to grab my moment.
37:41And that's why, over the course of this answer, I've already moved on from being an influencer
37:46to being a red carpet reporter.
37:49Anya, Anya, hey girl, we're here with Vershke jeans.
37:51What are you wearing, girl?
37:52Tell me what you're wearing.
37:53Don't tell me it's the Boys with Carrot Collection from Georgia Asda.
37:56You look amazing, Anya, girl.
37:58You hungry, girl?
38:00And my subway take, I think that...
38:03I think that raspberries are nice.
38:06And 100% agree, 100% agree.
38:08Oh, wow.
38:10He's so cute.
38:11You really are moving through the life cycle of fame at an unbelievable rate.
38:15Welcome back to Of Door Mice and Man, where I'm talking with my guest, Anya Magliano, about
38:23me being adorable.
38:25Oh, you've got a podcast now.
38:27Being adorable was always my superpower, you know?
38:31And suddenly I realised that people wanted me to be adorable all the time, and I could
38:36never be off.
38:37Sorry.
38:38Sorry.
38:41But now, my listeners can get help to switch off thanks to our sponsor, Dignitas.
38:48Dignitas?
38:49Is that bad?
38:49Sorry, please don't cancel me.
38:53We could never cancel you, adorable little door mouse.
38:56Well, wait and see.
38:57I have invested my money in some weird things.
39:01Adorable little door mouse, everybody!
39:11Five Met police officers have been taken off duty after a bag of guns was accidentally
39:17left on the street in London.
39:19I feel sorry for the police.
39:21Sometimes you're so busy killing women that you forget where you left your bloody machine
39:25gun.
39:25What am I like?
39:29The government is passing new laws to make it easier to cancel online subscriptions and
39:34unwanted auto-renewals.
39:35Good news for me.
39:36Bad news for Dr. Chubb's penis pump emporium, whose platinum club is about to lose a member.
39:45A rainbow boa constrictor has miraculously given birth without fertilisation for the second
39:52time.
39:53Does anyone else find it kind of weird that God keeps bonking this steak?
40:01A peacock named Pete, who has recently taken up residence in Surrey, has reportedly learned
40:06to knock on doors with his beak.
40:08Sadly, he's doing so to alert the neighbourhood that he's a registered sex offender.
40:16According to a new report from the Department of Education, children under five should have
40:20no more than one hour of screen time per day to help improve physical health and family
40:25relationships.
40:26To discuss the impact this might have on parenting, here's a father and son who still do skin on
40:31skin.
40:48Thank you for having us.
40:51No problem.
40:53Now, let's talk about screen time.
40:56Oh, it's a scourge.
40:58It breaks my heart to get up that carvery and see all families glued to their phones.
41:06Nobody looking at the pork.
41:10Why can't everyone just be normal?
41:12Yeah.
41:14Yeah.
41:15My boy's never looked at the screen.
41:19And look at you.
41:22He's thriving.
41:24Yeah, you guys clearly have a strong bond.
41:26Is that because you're screen free?
41:28Yeah, I don't need an iPad.
41:31I can just pad this chest until the happy hormones start g-g-g-g-gushing.
41:39Why are you still doing this?
41:40Well, the midwife recommended it for as long as you can.
41:45It was great when I were a baby, but it's better now I'm 32.
41:49It's nice to know if things are stressful at work, but I can get home and get right on
41:54to dad.
41:57How does it reduce stress?
41:59Many, many ways.
42:01Regulates the heart rate, slows the breathing, helps with the breastfeeding.
42:08Breastfeeding?
42:09Men have got the glans as well.
42:11It just takes discipline, Paddy.
42:14Nobody has discipline these days.
42:19Are you smelling his head?
42:21Yeah.
42:22That's the best bit.
42:24You know that new, new, you know that new-born baby smell?
42:32Well, it's that, but older.
42:37This is unconventional, but I have to say you guys seem really happy.
42:41There's always room for one more, Paddy.
42:44Last Christmas we got two uncles and a cousin on here.
42:48Pop that shirt off, Paddy lad.
42:50Don't be a stranger.
42:52Thank you, father and son, who still do skin on skin.
42:55Let me get in here.
42:58I'm Paddy lad.
42:59I'm Paddy lad.
43:00Good night.
43:01I'm Paddy lad.
43:02Good night.
43:39We are gathered here because the Royal Society of Literature issued a challenge to conceive a work of gothic horror
43:46that taps into mankind's deepest, most universal fears.
43:51Tonight, three authors present their works. Miss Eliza Faust, Mr. Edmund Blackthorne, and Sir Humphrey Cosgrave.
44:07Miss Faust, you have the floor.
44:11Tonight, I present the story of an immortal count who feeds upon the blood of the living. I call it
44:18Nosferatu.
44:23Mr. Blackthorne, in my hands, the tale of a man cursed by the moon with an insatiable bloodlust.
44:34I give you the wolfman.
44:40And finally, Sir Humphrey.
44:43Esteemed colleagues, I present a tale of unspeakable terror.
44:50Mr. Blackthorne, I give you the bastard seagull.
45:02OK. OK, questions?
45:07Um, sorry, I'm confused. Is this like an evil seagull?
45:12It won't bloody leave, you bastard!
45:16OK. Not exactly a universal fear, but a valiant effort.
45:21Perhaps now let's hear a passage from Miss Faust.
45:24Good reading, gentlemen.
45:30It was dawn, that fragile hour, when night still clings to the edges of the world.
45:38The man awoke with a start to find the seagull very close.
45:45But a pubes' length from his face.
45:50He screamed, hee-oh!
45:54But the bastard didn't give one single toss.
46:03OK, let's move on, Mr. Blackthorne.
46:05Sorry, um, why is there a seagull in this man's bedroom?
46:09It keeps coming in the window.
46:12But why doesn't he just shut it?
46:14It's stuck.
46:15It's like one of those old sash windows.
46:19And it's totally jammed.
46:23Sorry, is the whole book about a man who has a seagull in his bedroom?
46:27No, not all of it.
46:28Some of it's about trying to get in touch with your landlord.
46:33Sir Humphrey, may I remind you this is meant to be a work of gothic horror.
46:38This is clearly a household maintenance issue.
46:40Yes, Mr. Blackthorne.
46:43Why can't he just fix the window?
46:45He's tried!
46:46Every time he gets anywhere near it, they all go mental.
46:52Wait, so there's more than one seagull?
46:55Yeah, the bastard brought his bastard friend.
46:59Honestly, it feels more like their place than his at this point.
47:03But, for God's sake, please can we move on to one of the other books?
47:07Yes, you, sir.
47:09Uh, hi.
47:10Has the seagull guy thought about introducing a bird of prey to scare them off?
47:14Yeah, well, he got an owl.
47:17And it's only made it worse.
47:20Because, look, the seagulls didn't leave.
47:23And now the owl thinks he's its baby.
47:26And he keeps vomiting his old field mice down his throat.
47:30Oh, well, yeah, yeah.
47:32And now tell me about it.
47:33Yeah.
47:34And the whole room stinks.
47:37And now there's a badger.
47:39Stop, sir, stop.
47:42Stop.
47:43You are asked to capture mankind's deepest fears.
47:47But this, I think, is something that's happened specifically to you
47:49because you can't close your window.
47:51How dare you, sir?
47:54The bastard seagull is a work of universal terror.
47:59There is nothing scary about a seagull, sir.
48:18Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Casamia!
48:31We arrived at the same place
48:38Kipping tied by the lights upon your face
48:46Bodies move on the floor, say
48:53Eyes wide open, now we can both escape
49:02Now we're finally here together
49:05Seeing you release the pressure
49:08Keepin' through the stormy weather
49:13Release the pressure
49:15Release the pressure
49:17Release the pressure
49:19Release the pressure
49:23Release the pressure
49:25Release the pressure
49:43We arrived at the same place
49:51Keep excited by the lights upon your face
49:58We were so far from home, last time a rabbit hole
50:02No one to save our soul, about to lose control
50:06We were so far from home, last time a rabbit hole
50:10No one to save our soul, about to lose control
50:17Get your hands to the air, on your three-piece
50:21Sweet
50:28Now we're finally here together
50:32Seeing you release the pressure
50:36Breathe into the style of your world
50:40Release the pressure, release the pressure
50:44Release the pressure
50:48Release the pressure, release the pressure
50:52Release the pressure
50:55I wanna save our soul
51:00That's what I want, now I want to save our soul
51:09I'm pulling it, I'm pulling it
51:12Yo yo yo yo yo yo
51:13Bombe, bombe, bombe, bombe.
51:49basically I keep having nightmares I'm gonna leave my baby on the bus which is
51:53weird because I never take the bus fashion darling you could leave your
51:58baby anywhere hi hi sorry we're late sorry hi you must be Nick welcome oh
52:06thank you look um before you meet my partner I just wanted to give you a
52:09heads-up big weekend coming up a lot of big feelings
52:23no one look at me I'm a house oh my god that's the Easter Bunny oh we'll do
52:39oh Pascal can I just say it's so nice to see another gay couple here yeah
52:45seriously so nice we meet a couple like you and it's like yeah they are the
52:49exact same thing as us I don't know that exact same thing so Nick and Pascal how
52:57are you feeling oh gosh I mean all the normal stuff I think right nervous
53:02excited yeah yeah really stressed about pushing all 82 million of them out oh
53:11but hey what are people supposed to do not have Easter eggs you give birth to Easter eggs
53:20no he does I assume gosh sorry suddenly feel a bit sick I assume Easter eggs were all made in
53:32factories then I suggest you educate yourself on queer history my love
53:37somehow I don't think it's a queer thing well what is it in I don't know anything about gay culture
53:44so this is a real education for me
53:47no please don't learn anything from this well I think it's a very generous thing
53:52you're doing carrying all those eggs and giving them away to people oh thanks doll
53:57I mean my body shot but my nipples are so long you could break them
54:05you must be so proud watching the whole nation eat them what he thinks people
54:14raise the eggs as their children can we please not pull the curtain back on this
54:18thank you my ears are famously huge Nick you're not even covering up the holes
54:24babe babe babe don't freak out no no no no is it true what he said the foreign one
54:31I'm Scottish
54:33babe the eggs
54:35they're chocolate Nick you're scaring me
54:42chocolate is food Pascal I can't shield you from this anymore
54:46they eat the eggs because chocolate is food but but hey hey those eggs make a lot of people very
54:53happy
54:55they they do yes yes children and adults who are too close to their parents and people who win crap
55:04raffles in May
55:06there's so many people so much joy I love you so I'm so proud of you and I'm proud of
55:13us and I'm proud of you
55:14I'm proud of us is it rude to ask like where the eggs come out of how dare you
55:26this rabbit has been giving birth every year since 1873 crack house pitbulls lead
55:35better lives you know what you know what I am wrung out like a flannel and you've done
55:40nothing but belittle me him and our community since we've arrived boys as an ally I am mortified
55:49do you know what just save your apologies he's due any minute in the birthing process is literally
55:52one of the scariest things you can possibly imagine so we're leaving help me up Nick help me
55:58away baby surrender to me surrender to me okay okay get the bags get the bags get the car ready
56:03it's outrageous I don't know why we even bother
56:10and they come out the back
56:26wow
56:28make some noise
56:31my biggest thanks to Kasabian and a huge thank you to the cast the writers everyone working on
56:37tonight's show for making this such an unforgettable week thank you so much for tuning in for turning
56:42up a good night
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