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00:00Hello, I'm comedy legend Daryl O'Brien and you're watching a very special edition of
00:05Back From The Dead TV Phenomenon Mock The Week. Our return has been literally all
00:10anyone has been talking about so far in 2026, so sit back and enjoy some of our
00:14finest moments as well as some of his new material, that set up didn't I?
00:32Read about the things that happen throughout the world Don't believe in everything you see out here
00:43Read all about it, read all about it, listen to the world, listen to the world
00:52Read all about it, read all about it, listen to the world
00:59Listen to the world
01:03Hello, I'm comedy legend Daryl O'Brien and you're watching a very special edition of
01:07Back From The Dead TV Phenomenon Mock The Week. Our return has literally been all anyone's been
01:13talking about in 2026, so sit back and enjoy some of our finest moments as well as some
01:17new material and some outtakes. We'll be back with series two in the autumn. See you then.
01:23The people who've just arrived, you are sat next to my mum and dad.
01:28So if you could not openly slag me off during the recording
01:32It really helped me quite a lot. Hi guys!
01:36Were you talking to your mum and dad then?
01:38Yeah!
01:40We start now with a round call, if this is the answer, what is the question?
01:43On the board are six categories. Russell, which category would you like?
01:47Um, world news please Dara.
01:49OK, the topic is world news. The answer is 700 billion. What is the question?
01:54Is it how many careers has Brooklyn Beckham tried?
02:00Is it how much are TLC paying Dara to do this?
02:06It's how much Dara I ask for from TLC for settling on £50 a week and a chance to meet
02:12the cast of Milf Manor.
02:18I just like the way they handle themselves.
02:21Is it how much would you have to pay me to watch my parents make love?
02:26Well there is a number.
02:29So now we can negotiate.
02:32Can I just say, I'm giving the context, I'm so glad our hair didn't do that joke.
02:39Is it what do our ratings have to be before someone at the BBC admits they made a mistake?
02:49Is it how many times have I forgotten to finish the do you have ADHD test?
02:56Is it how many messages have there been in a female comedian's WhatsApp group since the David Walliam stuff came
03:02out?
03:04Is it how far down the channel list is TLC?
03:12We salute you, those of you who set off an hour ago, no, no, no.
03:19Is it the age of consent for a galaxy?
03:24Is it according to HMRC how much money is just too difficult to tact?
03:34No, that wasn't, that wasn't, that was very satirical.
03:39Wow, that's relatable context.
03:43None of those are the correct answer.
03:44Can somebody give me the correct answer?
03:46If this is the first episode of Mock the Week on TLC, what episode is it on Dave?
03:54Does anybody have the correct answer?
03:55Is it how much would Greenland actually cost the USA were they to buy it?
04:00Thank you very much, Hugh.
04:07It's the chair, it's just the chair.
04:09Total force of having Ed there had to say.
04:12Before we go on to this can we just say, look generally, hello, it's lovely to be back.
04:16I hope you're well and it's a delight to be here.
04:19Thank you very much for coming in, joining us here at the end.
04:26Oh, that was it, that was the whole welcome back thing.
04:28Okay, I can do more welcome back if you want.
04:30I just wanted to say I feel a bit bad for the viewers because when they brought back gladiators,
04:33they had fit, young, sexy, new ones.
04:36They didn't bring out the old ones again.
04:43They'd be like, oh, who's on Mock the Week?
04:44I was just saying, oh, guys.
04:48Okay, here we go.
04:49The first subject is unlikely lines from a blockbuster movie.
04:53Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in.
04:57Sundays, 9 o'clock on TLC.
05:03Why must we take it and drop it into the fires of Mount Doom?
05:07Because you took more than two seconds to answer the door and that's our policy here at DPD.
05:16Simba, I have brought you a sandwich.
05:19Tuna, tomato.
05:28I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to notice that my hair is a completely
05:34different f***ing color today.
05:38We're sending you to the Caribbean, Bond.
05:40We need you to befriend and nods.
05:48Finally, we meet, Bond.
05:50I just need to finish my interpretive dance and I'll be done with you.
06:00If you only watch one movie this year, watch F1.
06:03The gripping story of a function key on a computer keyboard.
06:11The next round is called audience question time.
06:15We throw those open to the studio audience and invite them to ask us questions on any topic.
06:19Is there an Ed here?
06:21There's Ed there, absolutely, in that road there.
06:23Do you have a question for us?
06:25No.
06:25Yeah, now.
06:27If you want Ed, I can give you more of a build-up to it.
06:30On the count of three, Ed.
06:32Three, two, one.
06:34Dara, do you think you have any celebrity look-alikes?
06:37Oh, do I?
06:38Or does anyone else?
06:39Do you have any celebrity look-alikes?
06:41Anyone who's 50 and bald, and I'm trying to...
06:43I mean, like the Mitchell brothers.
06:46The one thing I'm not short of is look-alikes.
06:48No-one else trades on look-alikes in the same way that I do.
06:50No, Minions guy.
06:51The Minions guy.
06:54Megabuzz guy.
06:54You have to...
06:56I've got a celebrity look-alike, but, like, obviously, I appreciate that, like, I can say it.
07:01Do you know what I mean?
07:02If you said it, it'd be weird.
07:04But I can say...
07:06Idris Elba.
07:09You're right.
07:10It would be...
07:12I wouldn't like to come across as racist by denying that.
07:17I don't get many celebrity look-alikes, but I did get someone on Twitter once told me I look like
07:20Ron Weasley's mum after a couple of bad divorces.
07:26It has been said that I look like a cross between Gerard Depardieu and Orinoco the Womble.
07:34What about the time you were mistaken for Al Murray?
07:37Oh!
07:37That's the best!
07:38A man...
07:39A man walked in genuinely, cos Al Murray lives not far from me, and I was walking on the street
07:42and a man walked in and said,
07:43Hello, Al Murray.
07:45And I said, I'm not Al Murray.
07:47And he went,
07:48Oh, sorry.
07:49Hello, Poblando.
07:55The next round is called Between the Lines.
07:58It features Hugh and Reece.
07:59Would you make your way to the press pit, please?
08:01Reece will deliver a speech in the guise of a leading figure in the world stage, while Hugh will translate
08:05what it really means.
08:06This week, Reece is Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.
08:12Are you f***ing kidding me?
08:14You told me I was going to be Cristiano Ronaldo.
08:19Hello, it's me, Mr. Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.
08:29What happened?
08:33I am currently facing some personal challenges.
08:36And that is putting it f***ing mildly.
08:40Things are starting to get serious for me.
08:43I've suddenly realised I do sweat.
08:47I realise now, I should have kept better company.
08:50Marrying Fergie was a terrible idea.
08:54I'm getting a lot of criticism.
08:56But remember all the good things I've done.
09:09When I was a royal, I used to work like a dog.
09:12I spent my time on all fours panting a lot.
09:17It's been incredibly exhausting moving house.
09:20You would not believe how hard it is to bubble wrap a horse.
09:31If you accuse me, I will defend myself robustly.
09:34I will give you £12 million to shut the f*** up.
09:39These claims about me and Epstein are ancient history.
09:42Some of them are over 17 years old.
09:45LAUGHTER
09:5417 years old.
09:57LAUGHTER
09:58Thank you very much, Rhys and you!
10:03It's Operation Epic Fury.
10:06Yeah, Epic Fury, isn't it?
10:07So American, isn't it?
10:08Might as well call it Operation Kaboom!
10:11What they should be calling it is Operation Distract Everyone
10:14from the Epstein files for a bit.
10:16That's...
10:17Oh!
10:17Oh, shit, I've started a rally.
10:20You think it was good calling it Operation Epic Fury
10:22when Operation Muller Cornered was right there?
10:26LAUGHTER
10:30It's not the most fee-for-peace prize thing he's done.
10:33LAUGHTER
10:35I will say that while that's maybe not the most important thing
10:38in some ways, it is quite the most striking thing that he's
10:41the first person to ever host a World Cup
10:43and bomb one of the participants in the building.
10:46LAUGHTER
10:47There are a lot of clever people out there.
10:49I mean, you remember Saddam Hussein?
10:50He had a degree in chemistry and combined in humanities.
10:54LAUGHTER
10:57Where is the...
10:58This is the...
11:00I just...
11:01I love that you just move on.
11:04LAUGHTER
11:05You never dignify Milton with response.
11:07You just turn away.
11:09LAUGHTER
11:09I think the timing of it is, it gives it its time
11:12and then we move on.
11:13Yeah.
11:14That's absolutely what we should do.
11:15This is the Situation Room from which this was launched.
11:18Where is this top-secret, secure room?
11:21Is it at a wedding venue?
11:22It looks like they've just torn it off a bit of a wedding venue.
11:24It is very much at a wedding venue.
11:26It's got all the security of a mum holding a towel
11:28in front of you at the beach.
11:29LAUGHTER
11:30LAUGHTER
11:32What's happening? Are they saying,
11:33please stop talking about the war?
11:35Yeah, sort of.
11:37Can I remind you that you asked us?
11:39Yeah.
11:40Moving on.
11:41What have shoplifters in the UK been targeting?
11:43Chocolate bars.
11:44Yes, chocolate bars.
11:45Apparently there was one man was found with a coat full,
11:50stuffed full with Cadbury's cream eggs.
11:52And, Reader, I married him.
11:56Yeah, but chocolate bars have become the thing to steal now.
11:58There are lots of high-value chocolates out there.
12:00Freddo's a 45p now.
12:03Fuck off!
12:03Yeah, that's the real chocolate crime.
12:0645p for Freddo.
12:07I can't believe people are stealing chocolate.
12:10Maybe they should put a bounty on their head.
12:12Hey!
12:18I can't believe you...
12:20You can edit that out of your mind.
12:22I can't believe you didn't believe in that,
12:24which is clearly the best joke of the entire show ever.
12:27I did read the story about the guy who was caught with a coat full
12:31of cream eggs and all I could think is, obviously I don't condone
12:34violence, but imagine if they'd shot him.
12:40Oh!
12:41Oh!
12:41Oh!
12:42Oh!
12:42It's white!
12:42It's white and yellow!
12:43White and yellow!
12:44Oh!
12:45This guy...
12:46This guy appears to have come everywhere.
12:49LAUGHTER
12:52Like in a movie going...
12:53You made me cum my own cum!
12:56LAUGHTER
12:58I'm washing my hands and I'm washing my hands, but the fondant won't
13:02come off.
13:03LAUGHTER
13:05Is that better?
13:06Is that more than one?
13:07LAUGHTER
13:09We can go back to a bit.
13:10What are the choices?
13:11Insensitivity with the wall or cum jokes about cream eggs?
13:14LAUGHTER
13:15We only have two tones here.
13:19Supermarkets are too accusatory anyway, man.
13:21Whenever you're at the self-checkout, it says,
13:22have you swiped your nectar card?
13:24It's like, no, I signed up for it fair and square.
13:26What are you talking about?
13:27LAUGHTER
13:27They said that they're being stolen to order, right?
13:30And I just think, well, surely everything's stolen
13:33because someone wants it.
13:35Who's going, that looks shit, I'll have it.
13:38LAUGHTER
13:38It's closing enough.
13:40LAUGHTER
13:46Join us after the break for more Mock The Week.
13:56Now we play a round called You Think That's Bad.
13:59In a world where everything seems to be going wrong,
14:01this is a chance for our performers to compete,
14:03to outdo each other with tales of woe from their lives
14:05and I decide whose is the worst.
14:07Anyone care to start us off?
14:08A few months ago, me and my wife found
14:11what is clearly a lady's watch in our house
14:14and neither of us has any idea who owns it
14:18and we have phoned people, we've asked everybody,
14:22the babysitter, the babysitter's daughter,
14:24we cannot figure out who owns this watch.
14:27and my wife is not even vaguely suspicious.
14:32LAUGHTER
14:38I love the idea that she could find some, like, ladies' underwear
14:41and her first thought would be,
14:42have you started wearing ladies' underwear?
14:45LAUGHTER
14:45LAUGHTER
14:45Oh, no, the ghost is back that keeps shedding stuff.
14:49The Victorian lady ghost who keeps leaving underwear
14:52and used condoms for our house.
14:55LAUGHTER
14:56Oh, we have to get a priest in to bless that.
14:59You're the weird lady ghost.
15:01You think that's bad?
15:02I just bought an island for what I thought was an absolutely
15:05bargain price until I found out I used to own it.
15:07LAUGHTER
15:09If you think that's bad, I once got cast to play a sex worker
15:12in a movie and I got paid less than an actual sex worker.
15:16LAUGHTER
15:17I did it.
15:18If you think that's bad, I grew up in the north-east of England
15:20and I once heard someone call into a talk radio show
15:23and start their comment with,
15:25I am racist, but...
15:27LAUGHTER
15:29If you think that's bad, I had a C-section at a teaching hospital
15:33and if you don't know, when you have a C-section you're awake,
15:35so I heard everything and at one point I heard the senior doctor
15:38say to the junior doctor,
15:40hmm, now what I would have done differently there.
15:43LAUGHTER
15:44You think that's bad?
15:46When I had my baby afterwards, I heard the doctor say,
15:48where does that bit go?
15:51LAUGHTER
15:54Just, they're just fucking with you!
15:57Actually, and when I had another baby,
15:59I heard them say, I had a cesarean afterwards,
16:01they were sewing me up and they went,
16:02time to clean the gutters now.
16:05LAUGHTER
16:06Look at the gutters!
16:08At least they're clean, I guess, huh?
16:11I think that's bad.
16:14Um...
16:17Tell us, guys!
16:19Tell us!
16:20It's like, raise the bar for that!
16:22LAUGHTER
16:23Now, um, we've actually got a French exchange student
16:26in our house at the moment, and I've not met him.
16:29Because I, uh, I never got round to getting a criminal background check,
16:33right?
16:34Which is fine, except that my wife said to me,
16:37in front of a neighbour, without context,
16:40don't forget the French exchange student's arriving tomorrow,
16:42you're not allowed to be alone with them.
16:45LAUGHTER
16:50Sorry.
16:50So your wife doesn't suspect you're having an affair with an adult woman?
16:54No, no, no.
16:55She is worried about a French teenager.
16:58LAUGHTER
16:59Our next round is the Quick Quiz.
17:00I'll ask the panellists a series of quickfire questions
17:02about someone or something from the news.
17:04This week, to commemorate Prime Minister Keir Starmer's
17:07historic visit to the country,
17:08let's see how much you all know about China.
17:10Mm.
17:11OK?
17:11Our first question is,
17:13China owns all the what in the world?
17:16Is it Covid?
17:18LAUGHTER
17:20Is it phone charges that catch fire while you sleep?
17:23LAUGHTER
17:24It is not that, no.
17:25It's a genuine thing.
17:27Is it like the royal family owning swans?
17:30Like, they own all the pandas?
17:31They own all the pandas.
17:32You're absolutely right.
17:33Yeah, yeah, yeah.
17:33It's all there in black and white.
17:35LAUGHTER
17:36Oh, that's lovely.
17:39As a vegan, I don't think you can actually own animals,
17:42and I will not pander to them!
17:45LAUGHTER
17:49How did Wenzu in China attempt to boost visitor numbers?
17:52Oh, teaching the pandas to give handjobs?
17:54No.
17:58Letting the punters give handjobs to the pandas?
18:00Nothing involving...
18:01Tell me it involved pandas and handjobs.
18:03Not panda wrestling, no.
18:04It did involve panjobs.
18:06LAUGHTER
18:07As for those of us who were too busy to put us all
18:10to say all the words in the sentence.
18:11Er...
18:12No Cage Fridays?
18:15LAUGHTER
18:15You know what?
18:17The...
18:17Instead, they dyed dogs, black and white,
18:21to look like pandas.
18:22LAUGHTER
18:25My thing is, who would be fooled by that?
18:27Which parents would take their children and go,
18:29no, they're pandas?
18:30That's clearly not pandas.
18:31Surely it's game over when they start barking.
18:33LAUGHTER
18:35We shouldn't slag this off.
18:36At London Zoo, our meerkats are just rats in trench coats.
18:40LAUGHTER
18:42Did you know that all the meerkats in the world are actually
18:44owned by an insurance company?
18:47OK, what holds parts of the Great Wall of China together?
18:50Sticky rice!
18:51No!
18:52Yes!
18:53You both...
18:54No, that was a joke!
18:56What?
18:57No, no, it's true!
18:58It's sticky rice!
18:59Yeah, yeah, it is, yeah.
18:59Shut up!
19:02LAUGHTER
19:02Sticky rice is the nickname of the guy who mends the horse.
19:06LAUGHTER
19:06That was meant...
19:08Oh, I...
19:08No, it's genuinely...
19:09It's genuinely sticky rice.
19:10It was...
19:10Wait, and you two were both guessing?
19:12Yeah!
19:12That's the most racist guess I've ever heard of!
19:14LAUGHTER
19:15It only takes 45 minutes to be sharing the one studio
19:19before women's punchlines start to...
19:21LAUGHTER
19:22LAUGHTER
19:26APPLAUSE
19:27Andrew Merritt-Battle-Windsor has consistently denied
19:30any wrongdoing.
19:32LAUGHTER
19:32Yeah, he would though, wouldn't he?
19:34LAUGHTER
19:36Yes, for possibly revealing details when he was a trade envoy.
19:40A job that I remember I was talking about years ago
19:42in this show in a kind of a...
19:44Oh, is he a trade envoy now, is he?
19:46Whereas now we have to go...
19:47He was a trade envoy.
19:49LAUGHTER
19:51To be fair to him, if you look at this picture,
19:53this was obviously a very stressful day,
19:55and he's not sweating,
19:56so maybe he was telling the truth.
19:58LAUGHTER
19:59Everybody's praising this photographer for getting this nap
20:01that nobody else could get.
20:03The first thing you learn how to do
20:05with editing software is red-eye reduction.
20:08LAUGHTER
20:09I couldn't even manage that.
20:11LAUGHTER
20:11This picture as well,
20:14the guard was actually saying that there was a problem
20:17with the butt and trying to edit them out.
20:18That's why they were stuck there for so long.
20:20And I was thinking, what a lie.
20:21He just sat there going, no, I am pressing it.
20:24LAUGHTER
20:24Did you get the picture here?
20:25No, I'm pressing it.
20:27Oh!
20:28Oh!
20:29Over here.
20:30It's one of these.
20:31Ah!
20:32Oh!
20:34I can't believe you've got real buttons.
20:36I have already.
20:37We just have to mine buttons.
20:39Oh, no, no.
20:39I genuinely can at any time.
20:41I can do it.
20:41I don't have to do it just a bit when you're over there.
20:43I can do it at any time.
20:44Wow!
20:45Ah!
20:46But I choose not to and that's real power.
20:49That's great.
20:50That's...
20:51To be fair with this photo,
20:53there aren't many of us to get to see
20:54what we'd look like in an open casket, do we?
20:56Right.
20:58LAUGHTER
21:01It was early in the morning, wasn't it?
21:03Yeah.
21:03Yeah.
21:03And, like, they're saying that, like,
21:05oh, he could have been in bed
21:06and I can't not imagine him in bed
21:08with the police at the foot of his bed
21:09and him just thinking,
21:11one of these is Michael McIntyre.
21:13LAUGHTER
21:15Yeah, all of it...
21:16All of it's very circumstantial
21:18because they don't actually know.
21:20They say that he could have been in bed,
21:21he could have been having breakfast,
21:23but all of it sounds really creepy.
21:26LAUGHTER
21:26He could have been eating an egg
21:28and I'm like, ugh!
21:29Really?
21:30It is bound to have an impact on these men,
21:33to have mental health, isn't it?
21:34Because, you know,
21:34what they say about the Duke of York,
21:35you know, when he was up, he was up.
21:38LAUGHTER
21:39When he's down.
21:40I mean, what was also notable
21:41about the timing of the arrest?
21:44Oh, on the birthday?
21:44He turned 66 that day.
21:46It was impressive.
21:46Do you reckon when he got arrested
21:47and they said, date of birth,
21:49and he said it, they were like,
21:50that's today!
21:51Happy birthday!
21:52LAUGHTER
21:54Well, what's the main thing
21:55that you want on your birthday,
21:56that the whole day is about you?
21:58LAUGHTER
22:04I think it's quite sweet.
22:05Apparently, when they knocked down the door,
22:06they went,
22:06have you got anything to say?
22:09LAUGHTER
22:11I'm just waiting for this to come out
22:13in 24 hours of police custody.
22:15That's what I'm watching.
22:16LAUGHTER
22:16It's going to be the best episode ever.
22:18It's going to be the greatest episode ever.
22:19Because he will do it,
22:20because he'll think,
22:21oh, a way for me to get my side of the story out!
22:25Oh, we've got to cry for one more.
22:26Where's Emily?
22:27Hey!
22:28Hi.
22:28Hey, how are you, how are you?
22:29I'm all right, how are you?
22:30I'm good, where are you coming from, Emily?
22:31Er, Leeds.
22:32From Leeds, thank you very much.
22:33I was actually meant to be seeing QI tonight,
22:34but my ticket got cancelled, so...
22:36LAUGHTER
22:41Let's give you some boring facts then!
22:45The largest type of whale!
22:49So, you've got this.
22:50Emily, do you have a question?
22:52Yeah, I'm wondering if you've got any travel tips?
22:54Based on what you said about QI,
22:55fuck off back to Leeds.
22:57LAUGHTER
23:01Who has Starmer reportedly been advised to sack?
23:04It is West Street.
23:05It is West Street-ing, yes.
23:06Who I think is doing that sort of tactic of...
23:08You do that thing where you behave like
23:11you've already got the job that you want
23:12and hope people don't notice.
23:14But, at the end of that round,
23:15the points go to Sarah, Reece and Amanda.
23:18LAUGHTER
23:19People started clapping, that's how good you were!
23:22LAUGHTER
23:22I love you!
23:23Then press the buzzer, I dare you!
23:24LAUGHTER
23:29Oh, hello!
23:30I feel like I've just touched a US police officer's gun.
23:35LAUGHTER
23:36Our next round is called...
23:38Oh, sorry, shit, it was points, wasn't it?
23:40Fuck...
23:40Fucked it, didn't I?
23:41Fucked it!
23:42Fucked it!
23:42Fucked it, you can have the job.
23:44LAUGHTER
23:46Join us after the break for more Mock The Week.
23:50APPLAUSE
23:55Our next round is connections.
23:58I show the panel pictures of two well-known figures
24:01and ask them to tell me how they might be connected.
24:03So, what connects me...
24:05..to international spy James Bond?
24:08LAUGHTER
24:08Is it that your full name is Dara Double O'Brien?
24:13LAUGHTER
24:14It's a tragedy, really, cos 007 is your sperm count, isn't it?
24:20LAUGHTER
24:21Is that going to be fine now?
24:23It's his fault, thank you very much.
24:24LAUGHTER
24:25Is it that everyone thought in the reboot
24:27they'd both be played by a woman?
24:31LAUGHTER
24:32I love my cold, dead hands.
24:35LAUGHTER
24:36Is it sex addiction?
24:39LAUGHTER
24:46Kill him.
24:48LAUGHTER
24:48He's got Bond girls.
24:50Have you got O'Brien girls?
24:52O'Brien girls doesn't sound as glamorous, I've got to say.
24:55The O'Brien girls just sounds like, you know, sort of, your sisters.
24:59Oh, the O'Brien girls have been off to trouble,
25:01they've been tipping the cows again out there.
25:03LAUGHTER
25:03O'Brien girls, it sounds like some girls who went missing,
25:06sort of, 40 years ago.
25:07Oh, no!
25:08No-one heard from the O'Brien girls again.
25:11The town is still haunted by the memory of the O'Brien girls.
25:14LAUGHTER
25:14Is it that you've both got the licence to kill the vibe?
25:18LAUGHTER
25:20Is it that you've both got the licence to kill my career?
25:23LAUGHTER
25:23Is it that you've both had characters based on you
25:26in the Austin Powers films?
25:29LAUGHTER
25:34Is it...
25:35Don't even finish that, don't even extend that.
25:37Sean, I've enjoyed your last ever appearance on...
25:39LAUGHTER
25:40I mean, you've got the licence to kill Sean's career.
25:43LAUGHTER
25:44I've been doing the same job for decades, don't look any older.
25:48You're welcome.
25:49That's the nicest of all of them.
25:51Eh...
25:52Both are just really attractive, charismatic people
25:54I have a lot of respect for.
25:56LAUGHTER
25:58Both of you think you're the main guy,
26:00but it's all the teams around you that make it good?
26:03LAUGHTER
26:04Is it both of them, despite what people may think,
26:07have actually been played by Irish people?
26:10Ooh.
26:10It's...
26:10OK, well, I'm played by...
26:13LAUGHTER
26:14This is not a...
26:15It's not a persona I have that I've got.
26:17He's really Irish!
26:18Yeah, I'm like, after the show goes,
26:20oh...
26:20The thing that Dara...
26:21Dara's been good to me, I suppose.
26:23Eh...
26:24Is it that you're wearing the same outfit in these pictures?
26:26Eh...
26:26I am, although I feel I'm not wearing it as accurately as he is.
26:29LAUGHTER
26:30I've worn tuxedos a lot over the course of my life.
26:32Did you have to pick one in which I'm like...
26:34LAUGHTER
26:37It's...
26:37For some reason I'm giving...
26:38I try to give a smouldering look,
26:39and yet my attire's going...
26:41LAUGHTER
26:42His picture, obviously, is James Bond,
26:44and yours would have been hosting, like,
26:45mortgage provider at the beginning.
26:48LAUGHTER
26:48That would be...
26:50No, it's not that.
26:51It's due to space.
26:52You both won't shut up about it.
26:55LAUGHTER
26:55I don't even have an exciting fact.
26:58Have you both got, like, a moon named after you?
27:00It's not...
27:01It's very close.
27:02It's not a moon, no.
27:03Constellation.
27:04Constellation would be amazing if a constellation...
27:07Bye, then, a fucking alien!
27:08LAUGHTER
27:10Eh...
27:11We both have an asteroid named after us.
27:13Aw.
27:14So we could all get flattened by the Dara O'Brien.
27:16Oh, yeah, no, if it gets bumped out of its path,
27:18it will destroy all life on Earth.
27:20And for about...
27:20You're not proud of that, are you?
27:21For about six weeks, I'll get a lot of coverage.
27:23LAUGHTER
27:24So why do you have this?
27:26Yeah.
27:26How do you get this?
27:26Why did they name after you?
27:27Are you a similar size?
27:29No!
27:31Fast boys aren't all that big.
27:32They're bigger than me.
27:34LAUGHTER
27:36Tonight on Mock the Week,
27:37our two teams will be fighting over the news,
27:39like seagulls over chips.
27:40Join us as we tear into the news.
27:42That's news twice, it's like...
27:44Or you could do an impression of a seagull, don't you?
27:46Yeah.
27:48I've got...
27:51Here's my seagull.
27:52Can I quickly...
27:53It's very, very quick.
27:54So I was in Portugal,
27:55I saw an English couple eating chips,
27:57and this seagull tried to take one of their chips,
28:00and this bloke did the most English thing ever.
28:02He turned to the seagull and went,
28:03Oi!
28:04What have I told you?
28:06And his wife went,
28:07Tony, you moron, he won't understand.
28:08He's Portuguese.
28:10LAUGHTER
28:18Where is Jack?
28:19Where's Jack?
28:20Hey, Jack, how are you?
28:20How's yourself?
28:21Where are you from, Jack?
28:22Kerry, in Ireland.
28:24CHEERING
28:26Thank you for explaining to me where Kerry is.
28:29I know you are.
28:30I know you are.
28:32It's horrifying by the rest of them.
28:33He's explained to everyone else,
28:34but obviously...
28:35Oh, jeez, I haven't forgotten, you know?
28:37The good people in TLC.
28:38Jack getting a sly dig in there.
28:40Kerry, in Ireland.
28:41Do you remember it?
28:42LAUGHTER
28:44Jack, thank you very much.
28:45What's your question, by the way?
28:47I want to know,
28:48what is your best hack for living healthy?
28:50Oh, right.
28:51You coming to me for that?
28:52Yeah, yeah.
28:54Everything Jack says is a veiled attack.
28:57LAUGHTER
28:57Hang on.
28:58Hands so weak,
29:00you struggle to open packets of crisps.
29:03LAUGHTER
29:04Sometimes I'll just be like,
29:05oh, I'll just have some lettuce.
29:08LAUGHTER
29:08I find opening packets harder and harder.
29:11Hmm.
29:12I don't know if I'm getting old
29:13or packets are getting stronger.
29:15LAUGHTER
29:17They run out of the,
29:18oh, the adhesive they used to use,
29:20make it stronger now, make it...
29:21I know, has everybody...
29:22Is it just me?
29:23Does nobody else find themselves
29:24carrying...
29:25What are you doing?
29:25Oh, yes!
29:28It looks like you needed somebody to help you
29:32and you're willing to do anything
29:34to get them to do it.
29:35Please!
29:36Please open these crisps!
29:38LAUGHTER
29:39LAUGHTER
29:39My tongue is strong.
29:43LAUGHTER
29:43Is this what you wanted to drop in here?
29:45LAUGHTER
29:46Oh, please, strong French teenager.
29:50LAUGHTER
29:54I think it's on Sunday when we're going to watch this.
29:56We won't now.
29:59You're really awkward.
30:00Your first time...
30:01Your first time in the room with Jean-Claude.
30:04LAUGHTER
30:04We're going to watch this Jean-Claude.
30:06This is what I do professionally.
30:07Argh!
30:10LAUGHTER
30:12LAUGHTER
30:12OK.
30:12Meanwhile, how do they dual-te...
30:14Teeth.
30:15Fucking Ireland slipping through.
30:18How do they dual-teeth in Turkey?
30:20LAUGHTER
30:22In other news, now...
30:24Big announcement as the Supreme Leader of North Korea.
30:28LAUGHTER
30:28You know about his daughter?
30:30LAUGHTER
30:31I'm being haunted by the Abrean girls.
30:34LAUGHTER
30:35I can just see your faces, you know?
30:38LAUGHTER
30:38I go to sleep, I can just see the faces of the Abrean girls.
30:40They're coming down on me like,
30:41Why'd you do it? Why'd you do it?
30:43Like...
30:43LAUGHTER
30:44I'm available for acting work in the many Sky series
30:46I've based in Ireland.
30:47LAUGHTER
30:48If you think that's bad,
30:49last week my wife and I watched all the episodes of Game of Thrones,
30:54back-to-back.
30:55Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the screen.
30:58LAUGHTER
31:01APPLAUSE
31:02My kids used to go to a school in Portsmouth,
31:06where most of the dads were in the Navy.
31:08And I had this chat once with this guy, just like a parent's evening.
31:12And I said, what do you do?
31:13And he said, er...
31:14I fly helicopters and I drive warships.
31:17And he said, what do you do?
31:19And I literally went...
31:20Doesn't matter.
31:22LAUGHTER
31:24Of course, we should say for the record,
31:25Manson doesn't remember receiving those payments.
31:29Oh, Ben, he doesn't remember receiving...
31:32Yeah, he fucking doesn't, so shut up, mate.
31:33LAUGHTER
31:35He's a good man chased at the end of the air
31:37by an angry and jealous media.
31:40How dare...
31:40Honestly, sometimes, Peter, I think what you give to this country.
31:42What do you think?
31:44LAUGHTER
31:45I found out I was old last year.
31:47That really annoyed me, if you want something that really annoys me.
31:50Yeah, go on.
31:51I was in Amsterdam with my friends from university
31:53and there was a drug dealer ahead of us
31:55and he was going, cocaine, cocaine, cocaine,
31:57and he pointed at me and my friends and went, Viagra.
32:00LAUGHTER
32:02I told my brother about this and he's like, did you take it?
32:04I was like, no, we were on our way to Anne Frank's house.
32:08LAUGHTER
32:10Well, no surprise in the...
32:12Oh, fucking hell.
32:15I've had so many kids since I last saw you, Rhys.
32:18Yeah.
32:18I've been breastfeeding so long, when I clear customs,
32:20I have to declare myself as dairy produce.
32:23LAUGHTER
32:25I've had so many kids.
32:28Can I just...can I just say,
32:30having you say that in my eyes was a lifelong dream.
32:33LAUGHTER
32:35It's completely what? It's completely...
32:39Oh, okay, a legend. Okay, fine.
32:41Obviously, everything we're saying are mere allegations.
32:44LAUGHTER
32:50Obviously, what we're saying are...it's all alleged.
32:53LAUGHTER
32:54Maybe none of this happened.
32:57LAUGHTER
32:59Is he on Chat Beat G...
33:01Oh, I can't speak.
33:03See, see, this is what our generation are.
33:05Yeah, yeah.
33:06We call it Chat Beat GB.
33:09It's called GB, isn't it? Because it's Great Britain.
33:11Yes, yes.
33:12Chat Beat, yeah.
33:12At GB, GMTV.
33:14Oh, GBTV.
33:16If you think that's bad,
33:17I once went to the shop to buy a cauliflower,
33:21but I accidentally bought a cabbage,
33:23and I peeled the whole cabbage looking for a cauliflower.
33:28LAUGHTER
33:33When the whole thing was gone, I still didn't get it.
33:36LAUGHTER
33:36Oh, no, I'll give it one more layer.
33:39I'll give it one more layer.
33:40It might be in here.
33:42And I really wish I was a good enough comedian to have made that up.
33:45LAUGHTER
33:46LAUGHTER
33:47The next topic is...
33:49Unlikely road signs.
33:51Very embarrassing.
33:51Fully going to piss myself if I don't go to the loo right now.
33:53Then run to the loo right now, if you really...
33:55LAUGHTER
33:57You've made it vivid.
33:58I'll say it last, actually.
33:59APPLAUSE
34:01Do you know what?
34:02I'm going to...
34:03I'm going to watch him.
34:05LAUGHTER
34:06Anyone want to ask a question?
34:08Oh, there's somebody down there.
34:09Very, very good. Hi.
34:10What's your name?
34:11My name's Charlie.
34:12Charlie.
34:12I'm going to do it again with the microphone there.
34:13Apologies, Charlie.
34:14What's your name?
34:15My name's Charlie.
34:16How are you, Charlie?
34:17Oh, sorry.
34:18The camera's not on you yet.
34:19So, for the third time, Charlie, I'm going to ask you again in a second.
34:22I apologise for that.
34:22OK, great.
34:23Sorry, who are you?
34:24Charlie.
34:25My name's Charlie.
34:29APPLAUSE
34:31Done.
34:31We're just going to hear you one more time.
34:33Oh, hi, how are you?
34:33What's your name?
34:34My name's Charlie.
34:35Sorry, Charlie, we're at a time.
34:37LAUGHTER
34:42I'm going to say the word allegedly and then they can edit it in.
34:45LAUGHTER
34:45OK, that's correct.
34:48LAUGHTER
34:48Are you starting with it, Andrew?
34:50Allegedly.
34:55Allegedly.
34:58Allegedly.
34:59LAUGHTER
34:59Allegedly.
35:02ALLEGEDLY!
35:04That is...
35:05That's how I say it.
35:06That's what Andrew would have wanted.
35:08LAUGHTER
35:10OK.
35:10Now we've got time for one more.
35:12Let's throw it open.
35:13Has anyone else got a question?
35:14Oh, there.
35:15OK, Grant.
35:15Thank you very much.
35:16What's your name?
35:16My name's Charlie.
35:18Charlie, you're really fucked with the show here.
35:21LAUGHTER
35:22It was all going really well and then Charlie came in like a fucking agent of chaos.
35:27LAUGHTER
35:30Sarah, will you marry fleet services?
35:37LAUGHTER
35:37That one wasn't me.
35:40LAUGHTER
35:41Why Sarah?
35:43Of all names.
35:45You said you wanted a boyfriend.
35:47LAUGHTER
35:48Not you.
35:50LAUGHTER
35:52Sorry to interrupt.
35:54LAUGHTER
36:02OK.
36:03Guess what we have to do again?
36:06LAUGHTER
36:08I'll put it this way.
36:09Guess who's fucked it up for the fourth time?
36:15OK.
36:16Now we've got time for one more.
36:17Let's throw it open.
36:18Has anyone else got a question?
36:19Not you, Charlie.
36:21Sorry.
36:22I'm sorry.
36:23I couldn't even lift it.
36:27Frog's Crossing.
36:28Or as some people call it, the Channel Tunnel.
36:31LAUGHTER
36:34Do you think that's bad?
36:35I've been married so long that I actually booked myself a prostate exam for Valentine's Day just to feel something.
36:43LAUGHTER
36:46Like this?
36:48Did it become this?
36:50Like this?
36:50LAUGHTER
36:51It's a gentle observation about life.
36:53Like this.
36:54I was a cry for help.
36:56Doctors?
36:57Do you think that's bad?
36:58I did my first shift as a prostate doctor this way.
37:02LAUGHTER
37:03Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.
37:13Now we come to scenes we'd like to see.
37:16Don't know if we can make the way over to the performance area.
37:19I'll read out this week's topic and then we'll see what our panels can come up with.
37:22OK, here we go. The first subject is...
37:30Glasgow! Fucking hello!
37:33LAUGHTER
37:36Swindon, city of culture. Unfortunately, it's mostly thrush.
37:44Clacton, don't worry, he's almost never here.
37:50Welcome to London and enjoy that phone while it lasts.
37:56Bristol, you don't have to live on a barge to look like you do.
38:01LAUGHTER
38:03Welcome to Luton, or as EasyJet calls it, London.
38:07LAUGHTER
38:10Why are we called Cockermouth? Oh, you'll find out.
38:15LAUGHTER
38:17Canvey Island, in the world's best island rankings, we're still behind Epstein's one.
38:23LAUGHTER
38:25Blackpool, because your nan had to be a slag somewhere.
38:29LAUGHTER
38:32Ever wonder what Cambridge would be like if it didn't have a university?
38:35Discover Peterborough.
38:37LAUGHTER
38:40Want to leave London but not give up your drug habits?
38:43Come to Margate.
38:45LAUGHTER
38:47Come to Yorkshire, where we've got the word the down to a T.
38:56Bath.
38:57Jane Austen once lived here and we won't let you fucking forget it.
39:01LAUGHTER
39:04Southampton, the people who left on the Titanic still feel like they made the right choice.
39:08LAUGHTER
39:14Visit Portsmouth?
39:15No?
39:17Fair enough.
39:19LAUGHTER
39:22Hereford.
39:23Also for Himmerford.
39:26LAUGHTER
39:32And my barrel's great!
39:37Welcome to Eton, Britain's cunt factory.
39:44Wet Wang, we're a real place.
39:47Genuinely, that's our name, Wet Wang.
39:49The whole reason we called it that is so people would come here and no-one's coming here.
39:51Wet...
39:52What do we need to do?
39:53Wet Wang!
39:57Muff, we're a real place.
39:58Like, what do we have to do?
39:59We're actually called Muff.
40:02Fingering home!
40:03Fingering home!
40:04We're in Essex, we're on the front of bosses.
40:07Come on, guys!
40:09What's wrong with you?
40:15Shitstorm!
40:16It's not a place.
40:19LAUGHTER
40:22Welcome to Kent.
40:23Oh, thanks!
40:24Not you.
40:26LAUGHTER
40:31OK, the next topic is...
40:33Chat of lines that won't work.
40:36Having sex with me is like having a Happy Meal.
40:38I come with a little toy.
40:41LAUGHTER
40:45Can you iron?
40:47LAUGHTER
40:53Sorry, I'm a bit of an anxious nail-biter. I didn't hurt your toes, did I?
40:58LAUGHTER
41:00If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U next to I, and then a T in the middle, because
41:08I've got cystitis.
41:10LAUGHTER
41:12The room just lit up when you walked in.
41:16I think they have motion-sensitive switches.
41:19LAUGHTER
41:25Girl, are you a watermelon?
41:27Because I want to take you back to my place and then feel too overwhelmed to do anything with you.
41:33LAUGHTER
41:38My ex-girlfriend used to call me the horse on account of my massive ketamine problem.
41:45LAUGHTER
41:46I would take the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes.
41:50That noise, that's Dara Breen crying because the stars are in the wrong place.
41:55LAUGHTER
42:00Wow.
42:01God must have taken the day off after making you, because you seem like a lot of work.
42:06LAUGHTER
42:08LAUGHTER
42:12Hey, girl, are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see.
42:16No? Well, then, are you from Pennsylvania? Because you've made my Pennsylvania.
42:21LAUGHTER
42:22LAUGHTER
42:28Forgive me, forgive me.
42:29Risa has actually tried that one on me.
42:32LAUGHTER
42:33Yeah, I am a high-flying PR executive. I'm launching a new client's fragrance.
42:38What do you think of just Andrew?
42:40LAUGHTER
42:43Look, I don't care that you have a son. I... Yeah, I know Rhys.
42:49LAUGHTER
42:55I would ask you back to my place, but it seems a bit soon.
42:58I only escaped this morning.
43:00LAUGHTER
43:03Did you fall from heaven and it wasn't your fault?
43:06You might be eligible for compensation.
43:09LAUGHTER
43:11I'm not wearing any deodorant.
43:15LAUGHTER
43:17Hey, girl, is that a Snapchat filter, or are you an actual dog?
43:22LAUGHTER
43:24Hey, are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see.
43:27No? Well, then, are you from Virginia?
43:30Because you should have this Virginia.
43:32LAUGHTER
43:37Come on, don't be silly.
43:39You pay.
43:41LAUGHTER
43:42If I could rearrange the alphabet.
43:45Chee-li-wa-du-wa-li-la-wa.
43:48LAUGHTER
43:53Sorry, I know this is so cheesy, but I haven't showered in a while.
43:57LAUGHTER
44:00All your underwear must be lucky underwear, cos it gets to touch your...
44:04Ah, she's gone. She's gone.
44:05LAUGHTER
44:08You know, they call me the stallion.
44:10At weekends, I get whipped by small men while Claire Balding commentates.
44:17How many comedians can you squeeze into nine seconds?
44:20Glenn Moore, Rhys James, Zoe Lyons, Ed Byrne, Sarah Pascoe, Emmanuel Sanubi,
44:23and me, Dara Breen. Easy, done.
44:25Mock the Week, Sunday at 9 on TLC.
44:27Uh.
44:33APPLAUSE
44:38I know I'd watch it.
44:42LAUGHTER
44:45I don't think that's what they were doing.
44:48You've been craning osteopathy.
44:50Don't do that by...
44:51You've fuzzed it all up now.
44:54LAUGHTER
44:55The news keeps happening, so we keep mocking it.
44:57Because pretending it isn't there hasn't worked.
45:00Don't miss Mock the Week with me, Dara Breen.
45:04And we can all just go fuck ourselves.
45:06LAUGHTER
45:07LAUGHTER
45:07LAUGHTER
45:08C ×”× a big deal...
45:09Thank you Zhang.
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