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00:04:03So you mean this whole time you've been...
00:04:16The point is, Lord Vader, for your crowdsourcing campaign,
00:04:19the upper-level perks we worked so hard on will be useless, sir.
00:04:23Well, Admiral, I do see your point. Terrific.
00:04:27There will be less admin if they do donate.
00:04:30That's true, sir.
00:04:32And you wouldn't have to do the video updates. Most impressive.
00:04:38True, but perhaps maybe I'm just floating an idea here.
00:04:44Maybe you could not tell them that you'll blow up their planet
00:04:48until they donate and then blow the planet up after we've built the new Death Star.
00:04:55Not tell them.
00:04:56Yes.
00:05:00It's not very honest.
00:05:01Well, I didn't think that would be a sticking point for you.
00:05:04Tread lightly, Admiral Nod.
00:05:06The integrity of a Dark Lord of the Sith is unassailable.
00:05:10As it should be, Lord Vader.
00:05:12If I may, your Sithiness, the bigger picture here is getting the bloody money.
00:05:19Obviously, I can't get anyone legitimate to finance another Death Star
00:05:23since the first one was blown up by my own son's one simple torpedo.
00:05:28It's not an easy sell.
00:05:29Well, that's all well and good, sir, but I...
00:05:32It wasn't all that good.
00:05:34He blew the thing up.
00:05:36Well, I'm just trying to avoid any sort of, you know, negative connotation around this latest Death Star while we're
00:05:43trying to raise money.
00:05:44You do understand, Lord Vader.
00:05:46Negative connotation is what we do, Admiral.
00:05:50We are an empire, not an interstellar rotary club.
00:05:54If you want to save some kid with tufts of hair falling out of his head, that's me!
00:05:59Don't let me take this helmet off!
00:06:01We're not building a stupid app.
00:06:03We're building a beautiful Darth Star, for Pete's sake.
00:06:08Excuse me, Lord Vader.
00:06:10You just said Darth Star instead of Death Star.
00:06:15Hardly Freudian at all.
00:06:20You've written Darth Star all through there.
00:06:24Darth Star, Darth Star, Darth Star, Darth Star.
00:06:33Nooooooooooooooooooo!
00:06:48Uh...
00:06:49Lord Vader, I know that we are considerably short of your goal of a hundred and thirty quadrillion credits to
00:06:57build a new character.
00:06:58I understand all too well, Admiral.
00:07:02I understand you're as annoying as that step-and-fetch-it rabbit that nearly destroyed everything during the Clone Wars.
00:07:08Sir, if I may, I think you might be projecting just a bit onto me your frustration.
00:07:13What do you mean?
00:07:15I mean, comparing me to Jar Jar Biggs, that's sort of a low blow.
00:07:19I mean, he's all sort of prat-folly and stupid.
00:07:22Well, I have good diction.
00:07:25I mean, Mr. Horny, Mr. Master, that's not me.
00:07:29I mean, after all, we've been through, sir.
00:07:31Where's that tea you promised a Parsec to go?
00:07:34A Parsec is actually a measure of distance, not time.
00:07:37Hardly important when you don't have tea.
00:07:42Quite right, my lord.
00:07:43Your Buckthornbark tea.
00:07:46For your closed system.
00:07:51Hmm...
00:07:52Oh...
00:07:53Hm-
00:08:17Lord Vader, I-
00:08:19I know you're disappointed by the lack of uptake on the crowdsourcing campaign for the new Death Star.
00:08:24Yes, Admiral. What's the latest report?
00:08:27Well, we are still holding at the six... credits, my lord.
00:08:34And how long have we waged this campaign?
00:08:37Over a month.
00:08:38And maybe the whole ten credits get your planet destroyed may have put a bit of a damper on the
00:08:45contributions and sort of kept us at that sort of six-ish level.
00:08:50Who would do that? Six credits doesn't even give you one of the perks.
00:08:54Well, the donations were from one Boba Fett who wished to remain anonymous.
00:09:00Everyone knows he's Boba Fett. What's the point of a mask when everyone knows it's him? Anonymous bullshit.
00:09:07Yes.
00:09:08What?
00:09:08Nothing. Nothing, my lord.
00:09:12Hmm.
00:09:21Okay, this is probably going to end up looking like one of those paranormal activity videos.
00:09:26But I want to be able to capture the moment without her seeing the cameras.
00:09:30Now, Kim's going to be home any minute now.
00:09:33And I'll set up the Ouija board.
00:09:36I don't believe in those things at all.
00:09:38I just kind of, you know, move it around because it makes her happy.
00:09:42Anyway, I'm going to ask the board an important question about us and then BAM!
00:09:47Oh! Oh! She's here. She's home. She's home from work. She's home from work.
00:09:51I'm going to go out back and then I'm going to come in the front door like I've never been
00:09:53here before.
00:09:53I mean, today.
00:10:01Oh my god. Okay, you were right. Scott's going to propose today. I found the ring this morning and then
00:10:06today he called me at my work and he's got this weird elaborate plan with the Ouija board.
00:10:11I don't know. I guess he's going to use that to propose. And yes, I am well aware that it's
00:10:15Scott pushing it around the Ouija board.
00:10:16But, come on, I actually just play along because it makes him happy.
00:10:22Oh my god. Okay, he's here. Gotta go. Bye, bye, bye.
00:10:26I'm home!
00:10:29Hi, Anna. Hi, honey.
00:10:31Hi.
00:10:32What are you doing?
00:10:33Ah, well, let's get some vino.
00:10:50Cheers.
00:10:50Cheers, my love.
00:10:54Okay.
00:10:55Okay.
00:10:56Is there anyone here?
00:10:59Ooh, responsive.
00:11:01Certainly.
00:11:04Is there anything you want to tell us?
00:11:07Ooh, very responsive.
00:11:09S.
00:11:10Mm-hmm.
00:11:11C.
00:11:12Oh.
00:11:13Well, Scott.
00:11:17W-A-N-T-
00:11:21Wants.
00:11:21Mm-hmm.
00:11:23To.
00:11:25K.
00:11:26I.
00:11:28L.
00:11:30L.
00:11:32U.
00:11:33Scott wants to kill you.
00:11:37You want to kill me?
00:11:39No.
00:11:40You want to kill me?
00:11:43Yes!
00:11:45Why can't you just say it?
00:11:46Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:11:49Wait.
00:11:50You want to kill me?
00:11:52No.
00:11:53No.
00:11:54No!
00:11:55Will you stop messing with this?
00:11:57This is coming from the heart.
00:11:58Okay.
00:11:59Hold on.
00:12:00Let's all just calm down.
00:12:02Okay.
00:12:02Sorry.
00:12:02Now.
00:12:04Oh, mystical creature in the room.
00:12:08Um.
00:12:10Okay.
00:12:10What is it that Scott really wants to say to me right now?
00:12:14Okay.
00:12:15Now, here we go.
00:12:17Oh, here we go.
00:12:19Scott.
00:12:20Scott.
00:12:21I'm going to assume it's Scott because it knows your name already.
00:12:23Okay.
00:12:24It does, Scott.
00:12:26Wants.
00:12:27Wants.
00:12:27Wants.
00:12:29You.
00:12:30To.
00:12:32Be.
00:12:35Headed.
00:12:40That's not even a complete sentence.
00:12:42What?
00:12:43I am not moving this.
00:12:45Baby.
00:12:45What?
00:12:46Is this why you sleep with knives?
00:12:48No.
00:12:51Yes!
00:12:54No!
00:12:55Okay.
00:13:03Are you telling me the truth?
00:13:05Yes.
00:13:08Really?
00:13:09Now you're quiet.
00:13:11You think you're so smart.
00:13:13Okay.
00:13:14Whoa.
00:13:14Why are you talking to me this way?
00:13:15I am only reading the words that you're spelling out.
00:13:18No, no, no.
00:13:18Okay, fine.
00:13:19This is back in the middle.
00:13:20Okay.
00:13:21Kim.
00:13:22Scott.
00:13:24That's something that I want to ask you.
00:13:26You do, Scott?
00:13:27Yeah.
00:13:27What is it?
00:13:30Will.
00:13:32You.
00:13:35M.
00:13:36A.
00:13:37R.
00:13:45Martyr yourself on the cross of Satan.
00:13:47No, I.
00:13:48No, I.
00:13:48That's it.
00:13:49No.
00:13:49That wasn't.
00:13:50I gotta go pee.
00:13:51And I'm taking my candles with me and my.
00:13:55But I don't know how to spell martyr.
00:13:59T.
00:14:02T.
00:14:03He.
00:14:04He.
00:14:05Look, will you stop telling her that I want to ritually kill her?
00:14:08I want to marry her, alright?
00:14:10No.
00:14:11No.
00:14:12Will you stop it?
00:14:13K.
00:14:14K.
00:14:14I.
00:14:15L.
00:14:15Kill.
00:14:17Kill.
00:14:19Kill.
00:14:20Kill.
00:14:20Kill.
00:14:20I'm not faking it.
00:14:21K.
00:14:22Oh, I believe you.
00:14:23K.
00:14:25Look.
00:14:26You are not helping your case.
00:14:29K.
00:14:29K.
00:14:32K.
00:14:33I swear I'm not faking it.
00:14:35K.
00:14:37K.
00:14:39K.
00:14:40K.
00:14:40K.
00:14:40K.
00:14:57K.
00:14:57Hi.
00:14:58This one here.
00:15:00R.
00:15:02What's understatement?
00:15:04Anna.
00:15:05Carol.
00:15:05Is it one, two, and three?
00:15:08Or do you want me to just do one, two, three?
00:15:11I hope you can do that...
00:15:16Here we go.
00:15:18Oh, hi!
00:15:19Hi.
00:15:19Who are you talking to?
00:15:21Quiet in here.
00:15:25Clearly they want privacy.
00:15:28Cause it is dark.
00:15:31Yeah, I just gotta adjust.
00:15:33Is that you?
00:15:35No, that's you.
00:15:37That's you.
00:15:38No, that's you.
00:15:40That's you.
00:15:43So how does this come into play at the party?
00:15:46I don't know how this one comes into play to be honest, but you know what?
00:15:49I do know I fit on it.
00:15:50I know you do, that's what the splinter is.
00:15:54Thanks for sucking those splinters out.
00:15:57You know you get poisoned from splinters.
00:15:58I've heard that.
00:15:59Yeah, from me.
00:16:00You saved my life.
00:16:01Yeah, couple times.
00:16:02Okay.
00:16:03Um, honey.
00:16:06We may have misunderstood the invitation.
00:16:09Why?
00:16:11Uh, do you see that?
00:16:15Do you see that?
00:16:17What?
00:16:18What?
00:16:19What?
00:16:21What?
00:16:21No, don't look.
00:16:22I'm not looking.
00:16:23Don't look.
00:16:23Don't look.
00:16:24What?
00:16:26Oh my fuck.
00:16:28Hi.
00:16:29Don't look.
00:16:31Until now.
00:16:32Whoa.
00:16:33I haven't seen that in person.
00:16:36Isn't that page 48 or something?
00:16:40Um, you know what?
00:16:41What?
00:16:42One thing does bother me here.
00:16:43What?
00:16:44Downstairs.
00:16:44Why did they make me pay and you get in for free?
00:16:47Why is that?
00:16:48I mean, that seems really sexist.
00:16:50I'm sorry, what?
00:16:52Oh!
00:16:52Oh, yeah, of course.
00:16:53Yeah, somebody's in here.
00:16:55Yeah, you can...
00:16:55Here, honey, let me get that for you.
00:16:57Okay, sweet.
00:16:59My, um...
00:17:00Here you go.
00:17:01My...
00:17:01Thanks.
00:17:02My bag?
00:17:02Yeah, go ahead.
00:17:03Oh, sure, sure.
00:17:07Hmm?
00:17:11Um...
00:17:12Okay.
00:17:13Sure.
00:17:14What are you doing?
00:17:16What are you...
00:17:20There you go.
00:17:21Ah, there you go.
00:17:23It's kind of cold in here.
00:17:25I could cut glass with these things.
00:17:28Did you notice that about you before?
00:17:29No?
00:17:33Hmm...
00:17:33Window sill.
00:17:34Ah, yeah.
00:17:35Mm-hmm.
00:17:36I'm liking that.
00:17:38I'm sorry, what?
00:17:39What?
00:17:41Um...
00:17:41I'm not wearing a bra.
00:17:45I'm not...
00:17:46You can...
00:17:46You can tell by the, uh...
00:17:48Kim!
00:17:49What are you...
00:17:50What are you doing?
00:17:51Winning Rome.
00:17:52Oh, it's very Roman in here.
00:17:54Here.
00:17:55I'm, uh...
00:17:56It actually is.
00:17:57Parthenon here.
00:17:59Mm.
00:18:03What?
00:18:04Wow.
00:18:05Um...
00:18:06Oh!
00:18:07Okay, fine.
00:18:07Yeah.
00:18:08I can do that.
00:18:10Yeah.
00:18:10That's fine.
00:18:11That's good.
00:18:15There you go.
00:18:17Ha!
00:18:17Ha!
00:18:19Yeah.
00:18:20Yeah.
00:18:20Yeah.
00:18:23Oh, the...
00:18:24Oh!
00:18:24Oh, yeah, um...
00:18:26I can do that.
00:18:27I got that.
00:18:28Excuse me.
00:18:29What's that?
00:18:30Your tube sucks?
00:18:32Yeah.
00:18:33His tube sucks?
00:18:35Yeah.
00:18:36Can I, uh...
00:18:38Can I just...
00:18:39Can I keep just the one?
00:18:43Um...
00:18:43Okay, well, now you just look ridiculous.
00:18:47Sorry.
00:18:48We're really...
00:18:49Sorry.
00:18:50You can...
00:18:51Sorry.
00:18:52Take that.
00:18:54Where's she going?
00:18:55Aren't we supposed to tip the cookies, girl?
00:18:56Excuse us, our clothes.
00:18:57Where'd she...
00:18:58Uh...
00:18:59We're supposed to tip her, right?
00:19:00Yeah.
00:19:00Actually, I don't know...
00:19:02You don't have any...
00:19:03Yeah.
00:19:03Where to keep a tip.
00:19:05I don't know if you noticed, but all I have left is the tip.
00:19:09Let's just keep walking.
00:19:12I wanted to say this in the elevator earlier, but...
00:19:14You look really good tonight.
00:19:18Oh, I can tell that you think I look really good tonight.
00:19:21In fact, there's a growing number of members here who could probably tell that you think I look really good
00:19:27tonight.
00:19:28Well, yeah.
00:19:29Thank you, by the way.
00:19:31Oh, you're welcome.
00:19:32That's quite a compliment.
00:19:33Yeah, yeah.
00:19:33Hey, do you think they have snacks?
00:19:36Um...
00:19:36Well, those aren't finger foods, but there's definitely some delicious snacking going on over there and over there.
00:19:46Okay.
00:19:47What?
00:19:47Let's just find Reverend Smith who invited us to a swinger's party!
00:19:54Okay, put that away!
00:19:58Later.
00:19:58Later.
00:19:59Okay.
00:19:59Not really?
00:20:00Later?
00:20:01Oh, yeah.
00:20:02No, no, seriously.
00:20:03That's fine.
00:20:03Reverend Smith and just kind of make it graceful like that.
00:20:05Like, give an excuse.
00:20:06Absolutely.
00:20:06Whatever you want to do.
00:20:07Okay.
00:20:08Why would Reverend Smith invite us to a swinger's party?
00:20:11He can't...
00:20:11Sorry.
00:20:11Whoa.
00:20:12Can you see that?
00:20:13And the marshmallow.
00:20:15Oh, squishy.
00:20:16Oh, thank you.
00:20:17Hi, how are you?
00:20:18Great.
00:20:19You're fine.
00:20:19What reason?
00:20:20Why would he invite us?
00:20:21I mean, he's married.
00:20:22He can't be a swinger.
00:20:23Honey, baby.
00:20:24What?
00:20:25That's the purpose of like a swinger's party.
00:20:27It's where like married people come and then they...
00:20:30They come?
00:20:33They probably do.
00:20:34Okay, I can see.
00:20:35Oh, you're right.
00:20:35Gross, don't go.
00:20:37No, hey.
00:20:37Wow, this is like a Gallagher concert.
00:20:40Yeah.
00:20:41No, because you know why they do that.
00:20:42Why do they do this?
00:20:43No, because they show up.
00:20:44Why did he invite us?
00:20:44He's married.
00:20:45Show up.
00:20:46What?
00:20:46And then they swap partners with another couple.
00:20:49Or couples.
00:20:52Wait a minute.
00:20:52Now, if we're going to have sex, I just thought it would be like you and me.
00:20:57What?
00:20:58Baby, that's not called swinging.
00:21:00That's...
00:21:00Aw.
00:21:01That's just called...
00:21:06Wait, whoa.
00:21:07Whoa.
00:21:08Is that...
00:21:09Is that Reverend Smith over there?
00:21:11I've actually never seen him from that angle.
00:21:14Wanna go over there?
00:21:16You know I do.
00:21:18Sure.
00:21:18We can do that.
00:21:20Purely from anthropological standpoints.
00:21:23Yes, of course.
00:21:23Here we go.
00:21:24Come on, come on, let's go.
00:21:25It's like a wild kingdom in here.
00:21:27Hey, sorry.
00:21:27Oh!
00:21:28Whoa.
00:21:29That is our grocer.
00:21:31Right there.
00:21:32He touches our produce.
00:21:35I know.
00:21:35Hi.
00:21:36Hi, Mr. Wang.
00:21:37How are you?
00:21:38Nope.
00:21:38Nope.
00:21:39Won't shake hands.
00:21:39Or that.
00:21:40Neither will Kim.
00:21:42Yeah.
00:21:42No, we're fine.
00:21:43We're good.
00:21:43Nice to see you.
00:21:44How are the kids?
00:21:45Good?
00:21:45Yeah, they're doing well in school, are they?
00:21:47The rash is clearing up.
00:21:49That's good to know.
00:21:50I think you want her to touch my produce.
00:21:52I think so, too.
00:21:54Go!
00:21:55Mm-hmm.
00:21:56Domesticated print.
00:21:57Me.
00:21:57Oh, my god, yeah.
00:21:58Look at this.
00:21:59You feel that?
00:22:00Mm-hmm.
00:22:01I'm like a swing club star, right?
00:22:04We are.
00:22:05I like that about you.
00:22:12Where did the third girl go?
00:22:17Mm-hmm.
00:22:19Apparently, she goes right there.
00:22:22There.
00:22:25And there.
00:22:26Oh, hi.
00:22:27Oh, yeah.
00:22:28I'm sorry.
00:22:29Sure.
00:22:30Do I want a single-used lube?
00:22:34What the?
00:22:35Who used it?
00:22:36Why?
00:22:37Why?
00:22:38Oh, I'm sorry.
00:22:40Oh, a single-used?
00:22:42Of course.
00:22:43Lube.
00:22:44Woo!
00:22:45It scared me out.
00:22:46You could use it on there.
00:22:47Yeah.
00:22:47Vanilla?
00:22:48How about vanilla?
00:22:49No.
00:22:49Oh, okay.
00:22:50How about strawberry?
00:22:51No, I'm not a big fan of strawberry.
00:22:53I like mango.
00:22:54But we did mango the other night, so...
00:22:56How about almond butter?
00:22:59No, because almond's gritty.
00:23:00Oh, it is gritty.
00:23:01Yeah.
00:23:02Bacon?
00:23:04Um...
00:23:04It's good for pork-in.
00:23:06Bacon?
00:23:08Bacon's for breakfast!
00:23:10So are you.
00:23:11That was a joke.
00:23:12Yeah, not funny.
00:23:13We're going to do it before breakfast.
00:23:15Um...
00:23:16Lingenberry.
00:23:20Lingenberry!
00:23:20We've been talking about Lingenberry because I was thinking...
00:23:23That's fine.
00:23:23You know what?
00:23:24Yeah, thank you.
00:23:24Thanks.
00:23:25Okay, bye-bye.
00:23:26You have to pay for...
00:23:27Wait.
00:23:28Where'd she go?
00:23:28Where'd she go?
00:23:29I don't know.
00:23:30Oh!
00:23:32It's behind the door.
00:23:34Gee, shut that door fast.
00:23:37Okay, here's what I want to know.
00:23:39What?
00:23:39What?
00:23:40How come all of these people get to wear masks?
00:23:43Because I want a mask.
00:23:44Okay, whatever you want, I get.
00:23:47And Lingenberry.
00:23:48I want a mask.
00:23:49You know, to get the mask, you have to be on one of these prostitats.
00:23:53Looks like a fur face shield thing.
00:23:55Yeah.
00:23:55Okay.
00:23:56Well, that man's face is busy.
00:23:58You go grab those.
00:24:03Don't lose them!
00:24:04I didn't know.
00:24:05No, you're going to have to wash your hands before you touch me.
00:24:07That's true.
00:24:10However...
00:24:11I so wanted to...
00:24:12Get the masks!
00:24:12Yeah.
00:24:15I got you a big one.
00:24:17I've heard that about you.
00:24:19Yeah.
00:24:20Now, why did we pay for this?
00:24:22I mean, we can do this in our bedroom.
00:24:25Yeah.
00:24:27We did pay, come on.
00:24:28Yeah, let's do it.
00:24:53What do you want for dinner?
00:24:55Hmm.
00:24:56I was thinking about that.
00:24:57Yeah?
00:24:57Yep.
00:24:58But I have decided that today is all about you, Scott.
00:25:02It's your day.
00:25:03Oh, you're cool.
00:25:04Anywhere you want to go.
00:25:05Whatever's fine with me.
00:25:06Okay.
00:25:08How about Casa de Fruta?
00:25:10Oh, God.
00:25:11No.
00:25:11Anywhere but there.
00:25:12Seriously.
00:25:12I hate that place.
00:25:13Uh, Kim, you just said anywhere's fine.
00:25:17Well, yeah.
00:25:17Whatever's fine.
00:25:18But not that place, obviously.
00:25:21Duh.
00:25:22Jeez.
00:25:23How old do we even know each other?
00:25:25Look.
00:25:26We went there together.
00:25:28I know about it because of you.
00:25:30I know.
00:25:31I know.
00:25:31And I didn't want to tell you verbally, but I really hated the place.
00:25:34But I figured that you would know by how quiet I got.
00:25:37You said you had a headache.
00:25:39Yeah.
00:25:40From that place.
00:25:43I just like Casa de Fruta.
00:25:45And you said whatever's fine.
00:25:48Oh, my God.
00:25:49You are breaking my heart.
00:25:51This is killing me.
00:25:51I don't even want to play.
00:25:54What?
00:25:55What?
00:25:56Just tell me what you're in the mood for.
00:25:57I'll pick a place.
00:25:59Sushi.
00:26:00Sushi.
00:26:00Yes.
00:26:01After you read me the Google articles on high radiation and mercury poisoning and my allergy.
00:26:08So, uh, are you trying to kill me?
00:26:10No, baby.
00:26:11I'm not trying to kill you.
00:26:13Who would pay for dinner?
00:26:15Okay.
00:26:16Leaving sushi aside.
00:26:18Oh!
00:26:19Monterey May Seafood House.
00:26:20Please, please, please.
00:26:20I love that place, please.
00:26:22Yes.
00:26:22Okay, again with the seafood, okay?
00:26:26My throat, it seems to be closing up and all of a sudden result in death and tracheotomy on my
00:26:35day.
00:26:35Yes.
00:26:37We can't have you having a tracheotomy on your day.
00:26:41No.
00:26:41So we'll just wrap it up.
00:26:43You know what I want?
00:26:43And you, what?
00:26:44I want something juicy.
00:26:46Oh, I've heard that about you.
00:26:49Yeah.
00:26:49You know what?
00:26:50What?
00:26:50Steak.
00:26:51Chuck and Esters.
00:26:52Oh, Chuck and Esters.
00:26:55Oh.
00:26:56Greet your meat.
00:26:58You did that to me earlier.
00:26:59Do you want to do it again?
00:27:04Oh my god, I just got that.
00:27:06So you want to?
00:27:07No, stupid.
00:27:07The documentary.
00:27:08Oh, the documentary.
00:27:09The documentary.
00:27:10You cried like a girl.
00:27:11Because I thought we'd never have a steak together again.
00:27:14Look, I thought enough time went by that our social indignation is over.
00:27:18Okay?
00:27:18No.
00:27:19Yeah.
00:27:19It's not over.
00:27:20It's never going to be over.
00:27:21Never, ever, ever, ever.
00:27:22Wait, maybe they're talking about other meats?
00:27:23Please.
00:27:23Cambodia meats?
00:27:25Tibetan Lama?
00:27:26Come on, a steak.
00:27:28Come on, a steak at Chuck and Esters is so juicy.
00:27:32No.
00:27:33No.
00:27:33It's not.
00:27:34It never will be.
00:27:35Choose food.
00:27:37I want to eat.
00:27:38I'm hungry.
00:27:38I'm getting grumpy.
00:27:39Okay.
00:27:39Indian food.
00:27:40No.
00:27:41Burgers.
00:27:42Foreign.
00:27:43Mexican.
00:27:44Yeah.
00:27:44Because I think they're Mexican.
00:27:46What?
00:27:48Oh, okay.
00:27:50El Burrito.
00:27:52Remember?
00:27:53El Burrito.
00:27:54The wait there is 40 minutes.
00:27:56I refuse.
00:27:58Seriously?
00:27:59Just pick food.
00:27:59Please.
00:28:00Pick food.
00:28:00Okay, that I know that you like.
00:28:02Yes, whatever.
00:28:03Okay, that isn't chicken.
00:28:03Whatever.
00:28:04Not meat.
00:28:04Not turkey.
00:28:05Not seafood.
00:28:06Not Indian.
00:28:07Not Mexican.
00:28:08Not Italian.
00:28:09Not Viking food.
00:28:11Not fondue.
00:28:12Not cheeses.
00:28:13Not various dairy.
00:28:15Not grains.
00:28:15Not beans.
00:28:16Nothing from any of the food groups.
00:28:18Let me think.
00:28:19Let me think.
00:28:21Let me think.
00:28:22Let me think.
00:29:02It's day 763. We're still here.
00:29:06No, I'm so glad you guys are here for MTV's Behind Bars. Finally! Finally!
00:29:10My lawyer told me I would only be here like a month, probably.
00:29:16It's been a lot longer than that.
00:29:18700 days later.
00:29:20I'm just grateful for my friend here. We're friends. We're besties. We're friends of Opportunity, really.
00:29:28Or FOP. FOP.
00:29:31What was last night?
00:29:33We don't talk about last night.
00:29:36I'm talking about last night right now. Did the kiss mean nothing to you?
00:29:42I'm innocent. They got me in on trumped up tax evasion charges.
00:29:46That's only because they couldn't find the body, but I'm innocent.
00:29:50Not really sure what else you guys want to know about...
00:29:54How long have we actually been here? It wasn't a month.
00:29:57Over 700 days, as I've said before. It's been a long time.
00:30:01I even had a spoon and tried to Andy Dufresne my way out, but they found it.
00:30:06Yeah, but she didn't. She had the wrong poster, so it wasn't really the same.
00:30:08It was Superman. It was a bad choice. I don't know why.
00:30:12Yeah, why Superman?
00:30:12It was the old Superman, too. It was Christopher Reeves. It wasn't even recent.
00:30:16Why would you...
00:30:18Okay, first of all, Christopher Reeves is a better Superman than the...
00:30:21Anyway, it was just not... It didn't have the same Andy Dufresne kind of feel to it.
00:30:27Well, I just thought if I pretended like I was in a movie, then they would finally get it and
00:30:31let us out of here.
00:30:32Because obviously, as my lawyer said, I shouldn't still be in here because I didn't do anything.
00:30:38I mean, there was a black person in here.
00:30:40There was a black person.
00:30:41There was. They threw them out after like a year, right?
00:30:44Why are we still here?
00:30:47Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is prisoner number 13159, Craig Sugarman Lewis.
00:30:54What else you need?
00:30:56Oh, yeah. Prison changes a man. Changes you.
00:31:01I used to be a leggy blonde stewardess for Air France.
00:31:06Yeah, yeah. This feels a little bit too comfortable.
00:31:10I'm thinking of doing a mod, what the kids call it, for this new pong game.
00:31:15Where you make the balls a different color.
00:31:19Not unlike here in prison.
00:31:22Why are you here?
00:31:24I don't know. I killed a guy, but it was self-defense.
00:31:28So, I mean, George Zimmerman did it.
00:31:31I stole limes from the Mexican cartel.
00:31:36What?
00:31:36I was a dare. I made a hundred bucks.
00:31:41That's like killing a baby.
00:31:43What?
00:31:44That's how bad that is.
00:31:46I...
00:31:46You actually...
00:31:47I did kill somebody.
00:31:49Yeah, but...
00:31:51That was self-defense.
00:31:52And you're disgusting because you stole limes.
00:31:57I'm disgusting because I stole limes.
00:31:59I don't even want to be next to you anymore.
00:32:02No, I don't want to be next to you.
00:32:03We're way too close as it is.
00:32:04Can we...
00:32:05Can I...
00:32:06Can I get a new cellmate?
00:32:08No.
00:32:09No.
00:32:10No, she can't.
00:32:11I mean, we've got...
00:32:12We've got a cafeteria where it's all you can eat.
00:32:15I mean, they give you a certain amount and that's all you can eat.
00:32:20Look at her face.
00:32:20We had you guys going.
00:32:21Look at her face.
00:32:22Look at her face.
00:32:23Look at her face.
00:32:24Look at her face.
00:32:25Can you look at her face?
00:32:30Can you look at her face?
00:32:41What a lot of people don't know is we here have some significant nuisances in the prison system.
00:32:46One of which a lot of the games that they give us ain't updated.
00:32:49Right now, we're playing sorry.
00:32:51And I don't like sorry.
00:32:53I never liked it because I feel it is disingenuous when you're going to knock somebody's piece off the board
00:32:59and then say sorry.
00:33:00And obviously, you don't mean sorry.
00:33:02And there have been many, many instances of this.
00:33:05The bloodshed over the game.
00:33:06And I've told the warden.
00:33:07I said, we had 37 people die over this game.
00:33:10And he going to tell me how you know it has nothing to do with sorry.
00:33:12I said, there's a piece embedded in the man's skull.
00:33:14How do you not know that that has to do to sorry?
00:33:17I said, but yet we still have sorry.
00:33:21Wait, this is what I look like?
00:33:25We don't have mirrors in here.
00:33:28Oh, shit.
00:33:33What's my name?
00:33:34Tommy Dinklage, a.k.a. Tommy Tenfingers.
00:33:38I grew up near Three Mile Island.
00:33:40I was the only kid in my neighborhood that was born with a full set of hands.
00:33:43I mean, really what it's all about is just a bunch of the guys roughhousing, you know?
00:33:48How bad can that be?
00:33:50Peanut butter. Yeah, peanut butter.
00:33:52I mean, who doesn't like peanut butter?
00:33:55I made this from the guy in the cell next to me.
00:34:01Ask me how.
00:34:02You know, they still didn't find the gun I brought in with me.
00:34:14So, I've tried tunneling my way out of here, but they only give me plastic spoons now.
00:34:19It takes forever.
00:34:22This is how far I've gotten.
00:34:25Is it because I said your dog's ugly?
00:34:28It's because you pooed in your sleep a lot.
00:34:30And yesterday was Taco Tuesday.
00:34:33Really?
00:34:38Imagine being in a locked cell with that.
00:35:16It's neither.
00:35:17It's neither.
00:35:18It's sugar man.
00:35:18Sugar man.
00:35:19Okay.
00:35:19Sugar man.
00:35:20They called me sugar man when I was little, because I like to put sugar on my pancake.
00:35:24And it's something about the sugar that works against the starch of the pancake.
00:35:29And it's sort of an explosion of flavors in your mouth.
00:35:32And I would suggest that you use the sugar on your pancakes.
00:35:36Now, in here, they call me sugar man for some other reason, because sugar can mean kiss.
00:35:40And so, I've maintained that sugar man nickname.
00:35:44Well, an idea that I have here in prison that I would like to institute is etiquette.
00:35:52Right now, prison etiquette is not in good shape with communication and how we deal with each other.
00:36:00I am from Connecticut.
00:36:03Smith, educated.
00:36:05No, man, I'm sorry.
00:36:07I didn't mean, I honestly didn't mean.
00:36:08You know, it's just, it's been a while when you hear that you, you know, you just see people, you
00:36:13don't see nobody with lips like yours.
00:36:15You have their supple, supple lips.
00:36:17And those are sort of the things that we value here.
00:36:19And I apologize for trying to kiss you.
00:36:21I do.
00:36:22But it was actually both our faults for you getting so close to the, to the, to the cage beast,
00:36:26if you know what I mean.
00:36:27The cage beast, you get coaching cage beast, cage beast gonna kiss you.
00:36:30That's that, that's the rule of life.
00:36:31That's the rule of the jungle.
00:36:32Cage beast, you get coaching, cage beast kiss you and you got nice lips.
00:36:36But I want, I do want to apologize for trying to kiss you and you might want to get yourself
00:36:40tested.
00:36:42I was raised with Emily Post, understanding etiquette.
00:36:46Connecticut is where I'm from.
00:36:47Etiquette, Connecticut.
00:36:49And I would like to institute a kind of new etiquette into the prison system.
00:36:55Right now we communicate with fits and starts.
00:37:01It's very much, hi, how are you?
00:37:03Good morning.
00:37:04That's how I like to start my morning.
00:37:06And often times I hear a response,
00:37:09Shut the fuck up, bitch.
00:37:10Or I'll hear, I'll say,
00:37:12Good morning, how are you?
00:37:13How was your sleep?
00:37:14And they'll say,
00:37:15I sleep when I'm dead, motherfucker.
00:37:17And I'm like,
00:37:19Wonderful.
00:37:20Nice, nice to see you, Charisse.
00:37:23Or,
00:37:24Nice to see you, Latoya.
00:37:26Or maybe.
00:37:28So,
00:37:29I would like to introduce something like,
00:37:31When I hear,
00:37:33I'll fucking cut you, bitch.
00:37:35I say,
00:37:36Wonderful initiative.
00:37:38Let's have lunch together.
00:37:40When I was in high school,
00:37:41I was sort of wild.
00:37:42I was an athlete.
00:37:44And they brought us in mass to a scared straight program.
00:37:49And,
00:37:50It was very effective.
00:37:52I,
00:37:53Woke up,
00:37:54Every morning,
00:37:54Thinking,
00:37:55Don't go,
00:37:56To jail.
00:37:57And at lunch,
00:37:58I think,
00:37:58Don't go to jail.
00:37:59At night time,
00:38:00I think,
00:38:00Don't go to jail.
00:38:01Every day after day,
00:38:02I think,
00:38:02Don't go to jail.
00:38:06I might have manifested this.
00:38:09You don't think Pluto is a planet?
00:38:11Just tell me Pluto is not a planet.
00:38:13I'll kill you.
00:38:15And I don't,
00:38:15I,
00:38:15I love people.
00:38:17I love people.
00:38:18People are science.
00:38:19People are walking molecules
00:38:20That get together
00:38:21And decide to be a person for a while.
00:38:23So it's cool.
00:38:25Just,
00:38:26Educate yourself.
00:38:28Or I'll kill you.
00:38:32What do I miss?
00:38:34I,
00:38:34I don't miss the colors gray and orange.
00:38:37I have an issue,
00:38:38Uh,
00:38:38As a mid-level Power Ranger,
00:38:40Uh, with my, uh,
00:38:41Sailmate.
00:38:43Uh,
00:38:43Is,
00:38:44Is Rufus Tintin.
00:38:46And,
00:38:46And he gonna tell me something about toilet paper.
00:38:48And I said,
00:38:48I said,
00:38:48Here's another nuisance for me.
00:38:50Toilet paper,
00:38:51Uh,
00:38:51Is an issue here.
00:38:52We don't have much of it.
00:38:53But I like to be clean.
00:38:55And,
00:38:55And I,
00:38:56And I use many,
00:38:57Many,
00:38:57Many rolls.
00:38:58And if I need to,
00:38:59I might use two ply.
00:39:00I might use one ply.
00:39:01And he gonna tell me,
00:39:02He asked me,
00:39:02Hey,
00:39:03What's wrong with you?
00:39:04And I said,
00:39:04What do you mean what's wrong with me?
00:39:05And he said,
00:39:06Well, I thought he meant because my wife done died.
00:39:08And,
00:39:09And I had a kill.
00:39:09But he said,
00:39:10Uh,
00:39:10He said,
00:39:11What's wrong with you?
00:39:12You've been using a lot of toilet paper.
00:39:13You use 47 sheets of toilet paper.
00:39:15And I said,
00:39:16I,
00:39:16I,
00:39:16I,
00:39:16First of all,
00:39:17What's wrong with you?
00:39:17How are you gonna count a man's toilet paper sheets?
00:39:19How are you gonna count a man's toilet paper sheets?
00:39:20There's nothing wrong with you.
00:39:21I like to be clean.
00:39:23Okay?
00:39:23Now,
00:39:23Now we don't,
00:39:24Are you paying for the toilet paper, Greg Greg?
00:39:25Ten ten?
00:39:26Are you paying for it?
00:39:27Are you paying for the toilet paper?
00:39:28Cause I don't see me paying for the toilet paper.
00:39:29I use as much toilet paper as I want to use toilet paper.
00:39:32You know,
00:39:33They told you not to come in front of that line.
00:39:34But it's alright.
00:39:35You know,
00:39:35I feel like we could get to know each other better.
00:39:38Come on.
00:39:39It's uh,
00:39:41Just so I can touch you.
00:39:43Please?
00:39:45I,
00:39:45I promise.
00:39:45I won't grab your face again like last time.
00:39:47You know,
00:39:48I,
00:39:48I still,
00:39:48I don't know why I'm in here.
00:39:50Uh,
00:39:50You know,
00:39:50I committed,
00:39:51A lot of prisoners will say,
00:39:52They,
00:39:52They,
00:39:53They,
00:39:54Didn't commit the crime.
00:39:54I admit I committed it.
00:39:55It was a white collar crime.
00:39:57Uh,
00:39:57Yet I'm,
00:39:58I'm locked up in maximum security prison.
00:40:00Now,
00:40:01Now white collar crime can mean many different things.
00:40:03At least I was trying to get that point across to my lawyer.
00:40:06In my instance,
00:40:07A white collar crime is,
00:40:08I saw a white man,
00:40:09And I tagged on his collar a little bit too much.
00:40:11And then he died.
00:40:15We were welcome.
00:40:34Still nothing.
00:40:36Did we wait?
00:40:38Something ain't right,
00:40:40Probably the heat.
00:40:42We should cut bait.
00:40:45I got that feeling.
00:40:47This is a lot of money, Larson.
00:40:49Hell, we could retire.
00:40:51Hell, we could go to Mexico, go north.
00:40:54We can wait two minutes.
00:40:58It's never late.
00:41:02Yeah, sometimes I get to wondering if there ain't other ways you could see what's coming.
00:41:08You know, if I could, like, put my ear on the track of my life and find out what's in
00:41:12store.
00:41:13They say you never hear the one that gets you.
00:41:15Yeah.
00:41:17Well, I wonder.
00:41:21Check one more time.
00:41:26Nothing.
00:41:30Yeah.
00:41:32You know, my mama used to get so mad at me playing on them train tracks,
00:41:35say I'm gonna get myself killed.
00:41:38Well, here I am.
00:41:41All human things are subject to decay.
00:41:44When fate summons, monarchs must obey.
00:41:49Is that the Bible?
00:41:51No.
00:41:53You think we'll have to pay for our crimes, Larson?
00:41:55I mean, you know, like in the afterlife?
00:41:58I think we're gonna have to pay for them right here.
00:42:01That's two minutes.
00:42:03Check one more time.
00:42:11Good.
00:42:13I hate to break a winning streak.
00:42:18That's funny.
00:42:19I don't feel anything.
00:42:21It don't make no sense.
00:42:23We don't have time for this, Joey Bell.
00:42:25I ain't joshing.
00:42:29Come feel for yourself, dammit.
00:42:30Good God.
00:42:56Good God.
00:42:56See you then.
00:42:57God bless you.
00:42:58Go.
00:43:00God bless you.
00:43:01Here it is.
00:44:15I think that we're going to be getting PK and electrothermic readings off the scale.
00:44:20This entire area, this whole area right here.
00:44:23This area, interestingly enough, used to be an ancient Chumash Indian burial ground.
00:44:28Burial ground, sure.
00:44:30Are you getting any readings?
00:44:31Not at the moment.
00:44:33Proximity thing? Maybe we need to find the right spot?
00:44:36No.
00:44:37No. I'm just not getting anything at all, actually.
00:44:40Is the power on?
00:44:41I guess so.
00:44:46Did you put fresh batteries in it?
00:44:48Batteries?
00:44:48Yes. Portable electronic devices tend to run on some sort of battery.
00:44:53Actually, I thought you were supposed to put batteries in there.
00:44:56Why? It's your invention.
00:44:57Yeah, but I remember that... Remember in the car? I said, do you have batteries?
00:45:01And I said no.
00:45:03You did. You did.
00:45:06So?
00:45:07So we should be getting all kinds of thermographic readings, all off the scale, a lot of it we
00:45:12have to analyze.
00:45:13Hang on there. What exactly is that device supposed to be doing?
00:45:18This here?
00:45:19Yes.
00:45:19That's an interesting question.
00:45:21Thank you. Do you have an interesting answer for me?
00:45:23This is, at its base, a meat thermometer.
00:45:32A meat thermometer.
00:45:34A meat thermometer that's been heavily modified to detect psychokinetic energy.
00:45:40How is that possible?
00:45:41Well, because psychokinetic energy is a broad spectrum.
00:45:45And you're able to...
00:45:45No! How?
00:45:47Oh, well, I put on this really cool antenna. See? Right there.
00:45:51And, uh, uh, you also knew that there were no batteries in it.
00:45:55Well, actually, it doesn't, uh, it doesn't need batteries.
00:45:58It doesn't?
00:45:59No. It's a meat thermometer.
00:46:03It's solar powered.
00:46:05Then why are we using it at night?
00:46:13We always do stuff at night.
00:46:16SHUT UP!
00:46:17SHUT UP!
00:46:17SHUT UP!
00:46:18And that is for your solar powered meat thermometer!
00:46:26Ahhhhh!
00:46:30Ahhhh!
00:46:44There has been all sorts of documented, remarkable phenomenon that's occurred in this very building.
00:46:51Reports of all kinds of visible, and I mean visible to the naked eye, apparitions, objects flying through the room,
00:46:58and frankly, demons.
00:47:02Let's go in.
00:47:22I think it's locked.
00:47:24You do?
00:47:25You did call the manager, didn't you?
00:47:27I thought you were going to call the manager.
00:47:28Did you see me call the manager?
00:47:30Well, it wasn't observable phenomenon, no.
00:47:33That's because I didn't call the manager.
00:47:36Well, why not?
00:47:39Because you were supposed to call the manager.
00:47:41No, I wasn't.
00:47:42He's your brother-in-law.
00:47:45Obviously, you were supposed to call the manager because you wouldn't even give me the number.
00:47:49Because you keep hitting on my sister.
00:47:51That's not relevant right now because we are standing here one room away from...
00:47:57Two rooms.
00:47:57Two rooms away from recording, with highly sensitive instruments and HD video, some of the most dramatic...
00:48:06What's the word?
00:48:07Evidence.
00:48:08Evidence!
00:48:08Evidence of ghost activity inside this very building.
00:48:13This building.
00:48:15Two rooms away.
00:48:16Two rooms away.
00:48:21Why are you pointing at the door?
00:48:23It would be right in there.
00:48:27I think we established that, actually.
00:48:39Second episode.
00:48:41Fuck.
00:48:45Hey!
00:48:45What the hell are you guys doing over there?
00:48:47Wow!
00:48:48Did you hear that?
00:48:51Oh, host!
00:48:54Oh!
00:48:56Oh!
00:48:57Oh!
00:49:00Oh!
00:49:00Oh!
00:49:01Oh!
00:49:01Oh!
00:49:01Oh!
00:49:01Oh!
00:49:03Oh!
00:49:03Oh!
00:49:09Oh!
00:49:09You shag Me.
00:49:10Oh!
00:49:10Crazy!
00:49:11Welcome to Ghost QuestX!
00:49:14A retrospective!
00:49:17I'm hunter number one!
00:49:18And I'm hunter number two.
00:49:20And on today's show we take a look back at...
00:49:23You know what, we should be sure we should probably not do that.
00:49:25They always say we will take a look back at something.
00:49:28We will show you, and then they show you.
00:49:30In keeping with our theme of, the unknown shall be found.
00:49:34I think we should boldly go...
00:49:39Somewhere else, as it were.
00:49:41We should actually tell them something about what they're about to see.
00:49:45Remember what happened when we didn't prepare anyone for the Pacoima Zombie of Terror.
00:49:49Oh yeah, good point.
00:49:50We got flamed in the emails and comments on that one.
00:49:53Thanks.
00:49:54Oh, and of course there was that thing with the cat.
00:49:56Yes, tragic.
00:49:57Yeah, the Barrowman electrolyzer should not cause swelling of the cerebellum.
00:50:01Not to that extent.
00:50:02Poor, poor Mrs. Schrodinger.
00:50:07It's only fair that we should tell them something about what they're about to see,
00:50:12as it will chill them to the bone with blood-curdling terror.
00:50:16Oh, that's right.
00:50:17Here's an ad from one of our sponsors.
00:50:19That's not what I was talking about, but okay.
00:50:23It's on sale.
00:50:24All of it's sale.
00:50:26I cut off perfectly good leg and put on peg leg.
00:50:29Why?
00:50:29Because I'm crazy.
00:50:31Yeah.
00:50:31Hi-fi stereo, $49.95 today and yesterday only.
00:50:38Why is $49.95 flashing on screen?
00:50:41Because I pack off leg?
00:50:43No!
00:50:44Because I'm crazy.
00:50:46Are you kidding me?
00:50:48Look at this leg.
00:50:49By two hi-fi stereo systems, I throw in two severed heads.
00:50:54Don't be afraid.
00:50:56I'm crazy Ahab.
00:50:58I cut off leg every day to make good price.
00:51:01Have I got the peg leg for you.
00:51:04Cutting everything, including prices, today.
00:51:07Why?
00:51:08Why?
00:51:09Are you kidding me?
00:51:10Because I'm crazy.
00:51:12$19.99 now $8.99.
00:51:14$1.99 gone.
00:51:17$18.95 temporarily $22.95 slashed $22.46.
00:51:23Why?
00:51:24Don't you do it.
00:51:25This leg is mine.
00:51:27Hi-fi!
00:51:28Walkman!
00:51:29BCR!
00:51:30Beeper!
00:51:30Gone!
00:51:32And more legs soon!
00:51:34Why?
00:51:34You know why?
00:51:35You know why?
00:51:36Because I'm crazy!
00:51:38AHHHHH!
00:51:39Gee, I hope he doesn't cut off any more of his legs.
00:51:43Ghost Quest!
00:51:46Is our ongoing foray into the world of the paranormal, the supernatural, the unexplained.
00:51:53We've been offered many tensilizing glimpses into the world beyond, but few as potentially
00:51:59terrifying is this episode from Season 1.4, The Swing of Doom.
00:52:06So, here it is.
00:52:08The Baldwin Park Swing of Doom.
00:52:12Three hours into our investigation and still no movement from the swing, I fear that this
00:52:16might prove to be a textbook example of the Heisenberg Principle.
00:52:21Historically, the uncertainty principle has been confused with a somewhat similar phenomenon
00:52:25in physics known as the Observer Effect, which states that measurements of certain systems
00:52:30cannot be made without affecting those systems.
00:52:33Heisenberg noted this effect at the quantum level.
00:52:36Except that in this particular instance, nothing is happening.
00:52:40Perhaps as we observe this aluminum alloy rod construct with a magnificent chain-link
00:52:46seat connector built, allegedly, on yet another Chumash Indian burial ground, our mere skepticism
00:52:53has suppressed the very phenomenon we've come to observe.
00:52:56Now, if there were some observable phenomenon, it would look something like this.
00:53:29Without a doubt, one of the most terrifying things we've failed to observe.
00:53:33In this next clip, observe we do.
00:53:36Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
00:53:38Yes!
00:53:39Yes.
00:53:41Yes.
00:53:41We observe the ghost droppings of Reptilio Man.
00:53:45In this episode from Season 1.7, The Terrifying Evil of Reptilio Man.
00:53:52Now, even though we're searching for the ghost of Reptilio Man, we are using equipment that
00:53:58attracts a living being.
00:54:00Isn't that a bit like using a dog whistle to attract a fish?
00:54:04Precisely.
00:54:06So, what have you brought that will actually attract Reptilio Man?
00:54:13Fish-scented popcorn.
00:54:16Fish-scented popcorn.
00:54:17Yes, specifically, trout-fish-scented and crappy fish-scented popcorn.
00:54:22You see, according to eyewitness accounts, Reptilio Man is very dangerous.
00:54:26No one has ever seen him and lived.
00:54:29How does that make any sense?
00:54:31What do you mean?
00:54:32So, did they die eventually, say, 30 years later in their sleep?
00:54:37Or is there some implication that seeing Reptilio Man immediately caused their deaths?
00:54:42Oh, I see your point.
00:54:54What lies beyond the locked door of death?
00:54:58Indeed, the locked door of death.
00:55:00There are many barriers to the unknown, many gateways left untraveled.
00:55:05And often, the unknown lies in wait beyond the locked door.
00:55:11Here, from the final episode of Season 2.8, The Locked...
00:55:16Locked!
00:55:17...Door of Death.
00:55:20Give it me.
00:55:26The Locked.
00:55:27How is it possible for a door to be locked from both sides?
00:55:31You did, however, mention a key.
00:55:33Yes, I did.
00:55:34I mentioned not having a key.
00:55:39Are you sure?
00:55:40Yes!
00:55:41Why would we be standing knee-deep in raw sewage if we had a key?
00:55:46To find the answer?
00:55:48To what?
00:55:49Does standing in raw sewage actually become more unpleasant over time?
00:55:53Now, there's a definite salty tone in your voice I don't much appreciate.
00:55:57Now, I'm not the one who forgot the key!
00:56:00I never had the key!
00:56:02The key never existed!
00:56:03How could you have locked the door without the key?
00:56:06I didn't lock the door!
00:56:08So, you're implying that perhaps some unseen force locked the door?
00:56:18Don't look at me like that, I'm serious.
00:56:20Here's an unseen force for you.
00:56:23Ow!
00:56:31Okay, Thor, our cameraman, requested this one.
00:56:34Our experiences in this investigation had the most far-reaching consequences of any we've
00:56:40encountered thus far.
00:56:41From Season 2.1, The Magnetic Monster of Doom.
00:56:47What?
00:56:48It was, as I've said, something I've been working on for some time now.
00:56:54There's been much talk of these magnets and their magnetic fields down through the ages.
00:56:59Legend has it that Manganese was herding his sheep in an area of northern Greece called Manganesia.
00:57:07Manganesia.
00:57:09About 4,000 years ago.
00:57:11But, alas, he died, still craving the elusive magnet.
00:57:15A magnet that would never be made practical.
00:57:18Until now.
00:57:20You wonder what I do when you drop me off after the show because I lost my license?
00:57:24Well, my friend, it's not sitting in front of the computer doing what you think.
00:57:32No, no, no, no, no, it's mostly creating the first handheld portable magnet.
00:57:39The South Pole was easy.
00:57:40Oh, it was easy.
00:57:41The mechanism for the magnetic field surrounding the South Pole was many, many vigorous strokes
00:57:45of magnetite on my rod away.
00:57:47But the North Pole, the North Pole eluded me.
00:57:52I had one pole of a magnet invented, but it would be years before I would stop going south
00:57:57and instead turn north, creating a balanced rod of not one, but two poles north and south,
00:58:03whose attractive force was measurable and real.
00:58:06Real, Spencer, as real as me telling you this now.
00:58:13That's some wild, unprovable flight of fancy, like those of James Clerk Maxwell.
00:58:20No, this was a magnet.
00:58:23Real, metal and I, I alone created it.
00:58:26It was me, Spencer.
00:58:28It was me all along.
00:58:33But that's not all, no.
00:58:36That's not enough.
00:58:37With truly powerful forces at work in my fevered brain, I created this extraordinarily powerful
00:58:45electromagnet, producing a magnetic field of 10 to the 11th Gauss.
00:58:50Wait, don't you think that's a bad idea?
00:58:52Ha!
00:59:01You guys didn't drop this in a black hole, did you?
00:59:04I can assure you that that camera has not been dropped into a black hole.
00:59:10No black hole.
00:59:15Or expose it to an extraordinarily powerful electromagnet?
00:59:19Uh, well, what do you mean?
00:59:22Oh, like magnitude, Gauss times 10 to the 10th, 10 to the 12th.
00:59:27Kind of like the surface of a neutron star.
00:59:30I swear that that equipment has not been on the surface of a neutron star.
00:59:36We are not lying.
00:59:38We wouldn't lie to you.
00:59:39Or the manufacturer.
00:59:41Not lying.
00:59:48Wouldn't lie.
00:59:54You gonna want the spoon back?
00:59:56I'm afraid I do.
00:59:58Sure.
01:00:10The Magnetic Monster of Doom.
01:00:13It was me, all along.
01:00:18Regrettably.
01:00:22That's it for Ghost Quest Retrospective Number 1.0.
01:00:26Subscribe to this channel for more episodes.
01:00:28Let us know what you'd like to see George Flatman and Spencer Billingsley investigate next.
01:00:33Follow us on Twitter, at Ghost Quest Show, Facebook, and your nearest Ouija board.
01:00:40Spencer, there's a problem with the Barrowman Electrolyzer.
01:00:43To be continued.
01:01:11This could very well be some of the most terrifying footage we've ever recorded.
01:01:17The readings are off the scale.
01:01:20Put that down. We don't want to screw this up.
01:01:24There it is. There it is. Slender Man.
01:01:27In those trees. Look!
01:01:28It appears to not see us, but there is Slender Man. You're getting this right?
01:01:32Oh, I see it!
01:01:33No! On the camera!
01:01:35It's rolling, and uh...
01:01:37What? What?
01:01:37There are fresh batteries in the camera.
01:01:40This time.
01:01:40Why is the viewfinder black?
01:01:43It's night time.
01:01:44The lens cap is on!
01:01:45Wait, he's moving!
01:01:46Okay, he's moving, he's moving.
01:01:48The lens cap is on! Take it off!
01:01:50But we'll miss him!
01:01:51Do it!
01:01:57Ah, fuck!
01:02:02Slender Man was right over there.
01:02:20So, as we were filming, it occurred to me that Slender Man, you know, much like a vampire, I couldn't
01:02:28see him through the viewfinder. You know, I could see him, you know, directly, obviously, with my own eyes. And,
01:02:35wow!
01:02:37I mean, I wish that you could've, uh, but of course I couldn't see Slender Man through the viewfinder. It's
01:02:47only logical.
01:02:49So, apparently, the trees, the bushes, the buildings, and the street lights are all vampires because they don't register in
01:03:00the viewfinder either. Remarkable.
01:03:03I won't, uh, pull any punches here. Spencer was angry. I think it's called a, a rage spiral.
01:03:11I'm a vampire! I must be a vampire! This is a vampire! See this? This is a vampire! You're a
01:03:20vampire!
01:03:22If you're going to have any kind of real scientific integrity, like we do, you have to open yourself up
01:03:30to criticism, to a kind of studied scrutiny of your methods, uh, and your conclusions.
01:03:36George is an idiot!
01:03:39Shooting this kind of phenomenon is a real crapshoot. Especially when we're involved.
01:03:50You're a vampire! You're a vampire! You're a vampire!
01:03:57Day one of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:04:05As of 1637 hours, we have observed no unusual phenomena.
01:04:17Day four of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:04:24As of 1322 hours, we have observed no unusual phenomena.
01:04:35Day ten of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:04:42As of 1153 hours, we have observed no unusual phenomena.
01:04:54Day three of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:05:02Day three of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:05:19Day 18 of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:05:27As of 1714 hours, we have observed no unusual phenomena.
01:05:57Hello, I'm Spencer Billingsley.
01:05:59And I'm George Flatman.
01:06:01Welcome to Ghost Quest.
01:06:03We're standing outside Our Lady of Perpetual Juxtaposition Cemetery in Rosebead, California,
01:06:09where there have been numerous sightings of a terrifying apparition that local residents
01:06:14have come to refer to as the evil flaming skull of Corey Clemo.
01:06:19Indeed, part of the challenge of this type of investigation is the fact that there is no artificial lighting in
01:06:26the cemetery,
01:06:26and the nearest streetlight is like half a mile away. Visibility to the unaided eye is essentially zero.
01:06:33That's why we've come armed with some formidable technology.
01:06:38These are the latest generation night vision goggles, or NVGs.
01:06:43The imaging circuitry in these glasses is so advanced that placing a single candle on the 50-yard line of
01:06:51an otherwise pitch black football field can render the entire field bright as day.
01:06:56Now, needless to say, it's very important to avoid looking directly into any high-intensity light sources.
01:07:02Well, I didn't want to be cut out of any cutting-edge technology.
01:07:06What do you have here?
01:07:07Well, this is the Hexalume MF9200, and that is a portable, high-intensity LED floodlight.
01:07:16Now, it provides a three-hour burn with a single strontium sulfide rechargeable battery that is no bigger than a
01:07:25bar of soap.
01:07:26That's impressive. What's the output?
01:07:28Well, for this baby, these dual-quad emitters produce light equivalent to a 10,000-watt halogen bulb.
01:07:39Here, take a look.
01:07:40No, don't!
01:07:49Hello, I'm George Flatman of Flatman Laboratories.
01:07:52Today, we're going to take a first look at the model MM5 multi-phasic magnetometer.
01:07:58Now, this baby has been subjected to some of the most rigorous testing, and we are confident that it will
01:08:04hold up under the most demanding field use and provide the highest level of performance on the test bench.
01:08:12Bulletproof is the operational term for the MM5.
01:08:33Hello, I'm George Flatman of Flatman Laboratories, and today, we're going to take a look at the model MM5 Mark
01:08:41II improved multi-phasic magnetometer.
01:08:45Now, this baby has been subjected to all kinds of rigorous tests, including the vibration test and computer modeling, and
01:08:52we are confident that she'll be able to provide some of the finest in field performance and the highest level
01:08:59of performance right here on the test bench.
01:09:02Even more bulletproof is the operational term for the MM5 Mark II.
01:09:29Step 16.
01:09:31Replace the sample receptacle sub-housing and close the casing manifold by pressing it.
01:09:39The three tabs back into the slot while holding away the vent tubing.
01:09:44Okay.
01:09:44Okay.
01:09:45Okay.
01:09:46Okay.
01:09:46Replace the sample receptacle sub-housing.
01:09:50Close the casing manifold.
01:09:53Three tabs are in, holding away the vent tubing.
01:09:58Okay, here.
01:10:00And we've got step 17.
01:10:01Seal the assembly with 15 8mm bolts, moving clockwise, beginning from position 4.
01:10:09Why position 4?
01:10:11It's a procedure.
01:10:12We've done extensive computer modeling at Flatman Laboratories.
01:10:16So now you're calling your mother's basement Flatman Laboratories?
01:10:23My mother has an unquenchable thirst for knowledge.
01:10:30Okay, 15 bolts.
01:10:3415 bolts?
01:10:35That seems a lot.
01:10:36Do you want to do 4?
01:10:37Yeah, 4 seems better.
01:10:40You got it?
01:10:41Okay.
01:10:47There we go.
01:10:49Next step.
01:10:50Next step.
01:10:51Turn on the heating elements and the argon gas and don't open for 42 hours.
01:10:58Okay.
01:11:02Now, place the sample in the open containment receptacle.
01:11:10Excuse me?
01:11:11Yep.
01:11:12Place the sample in the open containment receptacle.
01:11:15That's step one.
01:11:17That's step one?
01:11:19Yeah.
01:11:20How are we going to test it without, you know, placing it in the device?
01:11:24How are we going to place it in the device when we just spent two hours sealing the device?
01:11:29Well, obviously I said, put the sample in the device first.
01:11:34I know I said that.
01:11:36I did say that.
01:11:38I said that.
01:11:39No, you didn't.
01:11:40No, I must have.
01:11:42Probably.
01:11:43No.
01:11:44Probably.
01:11:44You didn't.
01:11:45You were going on about extensive computer modeling at Flatman Laboratories.
01:11:48Yes!
01:11:49Extensive computer modeling at Flatman Laboratories.
01:11:59I have a question for you.
01:12:01Sure.
01:12:03Why does the test procedure begin with step two and end with step one?
01:12:17I don't need to ask my mother.
01:12:23I'm going to hang on to this until…
01:12:25Mom!
01:12:33Yeah, and frankly we're going to get PK readings and electrothermic readings that are just off
01:12:38the scale.
01:12:39This entire area.
01:12:40This area, actually here.
01:12:41This area, interestingly, was once an ancient Chumash Indian burial ground.
01:12:46Burial ground.
01:12:47Sure.
01:12:47So you getting any readings?
01:12:49Not at the moment.
01:12:50It's a proximity thing.
01:12:52Maybe we need to find the right spot?
01:12:55No.
01:12:56No, I'm just not getting any readings at all.
01:12:58Is the power on?
01:13:00I guess so.
01:13:03Did you put fresh batteries in it?
01:13:05Batteries?
01:13:06Yes.
01:13:07Portable electronic devices tend to run on some sort of battery.
01:13:10Yeah.
01:13:12Actually, I thought you put the batteries in it.
01:13:13Why?
01:13:14It's your invention.
01:13:15Yeah, but I remember in the car, I said to you, do you have any batteries?
01:13:18And I said no.
01:13:21You did.
01:13:22You did.
01:13:23That's so.
01:13:24So, the kind of thermographic readings this thing, we're going to have off scale.
01:13:28There's going to be so much data that we have to digest and analyze.
01:13:31It's frankly going to take months just to get this out.
01:13:34Hang on there.
01:13:35Hold on.
01:13:37What exactly is that device supposed to be doing?
01:13:40This?
01:13:41This here?
01:13:42Yes.
01:13:43That's an interesting question.
01:13:45Do you have an interesting answer for me?
01:13:47This is, at its base, a meat thermometer.
01:13:56A meat thermometer.
01:13:58A meat thermometer that's been highly modified to detect psychokinetic energy.
01:14:03How is that possible?
01:14:08Well, psychokinetic energy is really a broad spectrum.
01:14:11No.
01:14:12How?
01:14:15Well, I put this really cool antenna on it.
01:14:17I don't know if you can see that, but that's...
01:14:20And, uh, you also knew that there were no batteries in it.
01:14:24Actually, it doesn't need batteries.
01:14:25It doesn't?
01:14:26No.
01:14:27It's a meat thermometer.
01:14:30It's solar powered.
01:14:35Then why are we using it at night?
01:14:45We always do stuff at night.
01:14:49And that is for your solar powered meat thermometer!
01:15:12And now, here is the weather as it has been foretold.
01:15:18Well, it looks like another rough week in the Holy Land.
01:15:22Let's take a look at the scrolls.
01:15:25It shall be fire and brimstone in Hebron, with scattered thunderbolts down there in Tarsus.
01:15:32A plague of locusts shall be coming in from the southeast.
01:15:36They should be in Sodom by about noon tomorrow, so be sure to wear a hat.
01:15:42The four-day prophecy, the four-day forecast for Gomorrah, is two days.
01:15:49Now, let us divine the temperatures.
01:15:52In Jerusalem it shall be hot.
01:15:56In the Bethlehem areas it shall be very hot.
01:16:02And in the valley of Megiddo ye shall seek the cover of a large rock, as a pillar of fire
01:16:08is touched down near a mini market.
01:16:10A pillar of salt likely upon direct viewing.
01:16:12The love of many shall wax cold.
01:16:16In the south of Egypt a nasty spell going on there of 19 days.
01:16:21Of frogs followed by lice, flies, locusts on Thursday, more locusts.
01:16:28And a small river of blood flood warning in the Nile areas.
01:16:33Coming from the south-southeast, leprosy.
01:16:37Coming from the north-northwest, leprosy.
01:16:41Looking to the coastal areas now, a thick darkness shall lay upon the face of the land on Friday.
01:16:47With a 99% chance of the death of all firstborn.
01:16:51Egypt, not a good vacation choice this long weekend.
01:16:57In the Mediterranean now, a low pressure front brought in by almighty winds.
01:17:02We shall see 40 days and 40 nights of rain.
01:17:06Followed by widespread flooding.
01:17:08As we see the continued effect of El Nino.
01:17:12And speaking of El Nino, birthday wishes.
01:17:15For today a child is born.
01:17:17Today a child is given.
01:17:19For today Joseph begat Jesus.
01:17:22So be sure to set your calendars back to zero.
01:17:26That is the weather, as it has been prophesized.
01:17:30Is this divine retribution?
01:17:34Right, you brought that on yourself.
01:17:38There's always one, isn't there?
01:17:40There's always what you saw in.
01:17:42Right.
01:17:43Now, sports!
01:18:12It's not cold.
01:18:18That is.
01:18:21It's time to say to two.
01:18:27There's always one day.
01:18:27I'm gonna go to Japan.
01:18:31There's a lot of people out.
01:18:32But I just sort of say to two.
01:18:36I'm gonna go to Japan.
01:18:36I don't know.
01:18:36That's probably true.
01:18:36Maybe there's a little bit of another.
01:18:36I don't know.
01:18:36I'm gonna have a کیcola.
01:18:36That's a good time.
01:18:37I don't know.
01:18:39I'm gonna have the stage in a couple of years.
01:18:40I'm gonna have a neat way.
01:18:40I'm gonna leave you for a long time.
01:18:43So, I'm gonna do a new.
01:18:44Now, if you were on a boat,
01:18:56If this sentence were in Chinese, I would be saying something else.
01:19:02I speak of the Chinese language merely because of my brief and tempestuous marriage to a woman from the Manchu
01:19:10province of China.
01:19:12It's very lonely down in the mines, so I signed up for the LonelyPillockDatingService.com via the Internet.
01:19:22In case you haven't heard of it, the Internet is a complex global web of interconnections that allows me to
01:19:29receive my junk mail instantly.
01:19:32Through the LonelyPillockDatingService.com, I clicked on a button marked Women, and to my surprise, for only six months' pay,
01:19:42plus postage and handling, I immediately found my soulmate, who was, as I feared, in China.
01:19:51They say a picture's worth a thousand words, so I sent her a picture of Pierce Brosnan.
01:19:57It was the longest letter I ever wrote.
01:20:02For her, it was love at first sight.
01:20:05Unfortunately, she saw me again a few times after that.
01:20:10You see, she arrived via what's now called snail mail.
01:20:15Snail mail, I am happy to report, is not mail delivered by garden-dwelling mollusks.
01:20:22This I learnt the hard way, after many hours sitting in my garden, waiting.
01:20:42You see, she arrived via postman, my snail mail, all the bride did.
01:20:46He was about six foot tall, looked to be seven when I first saw him, with dark, wavy hair, and
01:20:54he smiled a lot.
01:21:04She was about five foot tall, and she smiled a lot too, at first.
01:21:30After a few months, I noted with interest that neither of us understood what the other one was saying.
01:21:37Why don't you wash your face?
01:21:39I have encouraged you to learn English.
01:21:43Why don't you wash your face?
01:21:45Sorry, I didn't catch a word out there.
01:21:48Dirty man! Why don't you wash your face?
01:21:51Again, not getting it.
01:21:54Too nice!
01:21:56I know you're fine.
01:21:57Oh, bad husband!
01:21:59What you getting?
01:22:01A little more clarity, I'm not going to be wicked on that.
01:22:14Sorry, I'm not catching a word out there.
01:22:17I was dismayed.
01:22:19So I rang them up, I said...
01:22:22Hello, what's wrong with her?
01:22:27I'm sorry, I thought you were going to say something.
01:22:59I am dismayed.
01:23:00All these years, because I'm a minor.
01:23:03You see, I learnt from my incomprehensible pride that language is a tricky thing.
01:23:08Some say, the language barrier cannot be broken.
01:23:11The language barrier cannot be broken, they would say to me, and then walk away before I can say anything.
01:23:18It happens every day.
01:23:19But that's what they said about sound too, wasn't it?
01:23:22They said, the sound barrier cannot be broken.
01:23:25Yet, thanks to the efforts of American test pilot Chuck Yeager, you are hearing me now!
01:23:34Of course, breaking the language barrier can be a dangerous thing.
01:23:37Like the Spanish language, in all its subversive phrases, like,
01:23:42Buenos tardes.
01:23:43Buenos tardes, you hear them say.
01:23:45Which means, of course, it's good to be tardy.
01:23:47Go down the mine, go in late, you say, Buenos tardes to them.
01:23:52You say, you're tardy, that's not buenos, get out.
01:23:56Yes, the Spanish language could render sunder the very fabric of society,
01:24:01send the earth hurling off into the oceans.
01:24:04And I'm not giving to exaggeration, no.
01:24:07I think exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
01:24:11You see, in the spring, the postman movingly told me
01:24:15that my snail mail order bride had come of age.
01:24:19Unfortunately, it was the Bronze Age.
01:24:21All I had was an iron.
01:24:23And that she had to go back with him now.
01:24:26I knew he had to be right.
01:24:27I knew he spoke her language.
01:24:29Because I could hear them giggling away the hours in my bedroom.
01:24:32Every day, around 11am, when he came by to deliver his package.
01:24:40You see, I wish I was the Chuck Yeager of languages.
01:24:43Breaking the language barrier so everyone could understand everyone else instantly.
01:24:48I think the world would be a much nicer place if we did.
01:24:55Well, that's the last statement I shall make on breaking the sound barrier.
01:25:05In fact, that's the last statement I shall make.
01:25:10No, I was wrong.
01:25:18Didn't catch your game.
01:25:24Harry, did you find any coal?
01:25:30It's still not coal.
01:25:36Ow.
01:25:39I hope this.
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